Daily Limerick Archives: August 2000
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail service! (You’ll find a sample limerick below.)
So you’ve spotted that guy or gal that’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly sooth the soul and part the thighs.
Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!
Should you not desire a succulent limerick delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply as for it, you won’t receive more limericks! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)
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The DAILY LIMERICK. Celebrating a year of bad taste and questionable rhyme! Plus, it tastes like chicken... and biscuits! Coming soon... the Web site...
Daily Limerick 8/1/2000:
A fellow named Alphonse Modesti
made a gift for this stripper named Chesty
For his own little Venus
made a live, walking penis
who was nice, although just a bit teste.
Daily Limerick 8/2/2000:
A farmer with a fertile plot
grew the world’s largest apricot
which earned him a groupie
and as she was loopy
soon that fruit was stuck in her twot.
Daily Limerick 8/3/2000:
A persistent man with much hope
met a virgin named Annie P. Soap
wore her down with charm power
with time, they hit the shower
and he soon got some soap on da’ rope.
Daily Limerick 8/4/2000:
A geeky young fellow named Coddle
got rich and soon did bang a model
He was near a virgin
so his lust was surgin’
the next day, poor girl’d barely waddle.
Daily Limerick 8/5/2000:
There was a gay man who loved sports
and he’d watch them with all his co-horts
when his play-by-play friend
would speak of a tight end
this gay man would oft times cream his shorts.
Daily Limerick 8/6/2000:
A porn fan whom friends called “The Chipster”
became quite an Internet hipster
caused a trading fever
for all picks of beaver
and Chip called his trading place Nipster.
Daily Limerick 8/7/2000:
A Doors tribute singer named Clyde
craved anal sex—and how he tried!—
with no luck—’til Pippy
a drugged out old hippie
let him through to her other side.
Daily Limerick 8/8/2000:
A bionic man and a satyr
grew tired of bein’ a masturbator
Soon the chicks found him keen
since he was half-machine
in his top lip installed a vibrator.
Daily Limerick 8/9/2000:
A cheese connoisseur named Gilardi
dated a chick who was rather farty
At a tasting with blind fold
she let loose a biff quite bold
he replied, “By the smell, that’s Havarti.”
Daily Limerick 8/10/2000:
A gay man who was in a rut
offered his anus to a nut.
Now this bleedin’ wacko
filled it with tobacco
so he had a cigarette butt
Daily Limerick 8/11/2000:
A man into fetish-like tricks
craved feet on his bod for a fix.
But he was shy, and so
took a class, Tae Kwon do
as a sneaky way to get his kicks.
Daily Limerick 8/12/2000:
A horny young fellow named Ned
took a psycho killer to bed.
Awoke with a start
to a fresh body part
she replied, “I thought you’d like some head.”
Daily Limerick 8/13/2000:
A boy overcame money woes
but dating, for cash, old widows
He invested his money
on grain flakes brushed with honey
and he named his breakfast “Giggle-o’s.”
Daily Limerick 8/14/2000:
There once was a man from the ghetto
a modern day type of Gepetto
with dark motivation
his puppet creation
wore fishnets, a thong and stilleto.
Daily Limerick 8/15/2000:
There once was a scummy young swinger
who went to a lovin’ humdinger
but poor, lonely Georgie
could not join the orgy
for the doorman said ’twas a bringer.
Daily Limerick 8/16/2000:
A man who’d smoked many a bowl
nailed a fat broad with many a roll.
But before he could plow her
had to roll her in flour
so the wet spot could find him her hole.
Daily Limerick 8/17/2000:
A woman who’s job was strip dance
decided to get breast implants.
which brought her more hollers
and more g-string dollars
which caused more frequent dumps of pants.
Daily Limerick 8/18/2000:
A man who loved big hair named Mel
dated girls who went nuts with Prell.
When they napped, masturbation
proved quite a sensation
when he humped their do’s full o’ gel.
Daily Limerick 8/19/2000:
There once was a man named Luigi
who banged a hot slut girl from Fiji
Foreplay lasted an hour
so he came with such power
that for clean-up they needed a squeegee.
Daily Limerick 8/20/2000:
A man known for cov’ring his butt
made love to a vampire and slut.
Was careful as heck
and covered his neck
but found bite marks on his left nut.
Daily Limerick 8/21/2000
A man who was blessed from above
with five penises for sweet love
often would just blubber
’til he found a rubber
with five prongs that fit like a glove.
Daily Limerick 8/22/2000:
A skin flick collecting old slob
tried putting cassettes on his knob.
He screwed a fave movie
which turned-out ungroovy
in ER with Porn on the Cob.
Daily Limerick 8/23/2000:
At each political convention
one boon to each town’s scarcely mentioned.
The business that booms
in most hotel rooms
is that which relieves sex’ul tension.
Daily Limerick 8/24/2000:
Now one Yankee Doodle rode pony
to town thinking of his bologna.
But instead of his cap
stuck it in where she’d crap
told her that it was mere macaroni.
Daily Limerick 8/25/2000:
A girlie who likes her love rough
(wearin’ just high heels and hand cuffs)
started a lover’s spattin’
mid hotel sex on satin
and the bellboy helped himself to muff.
Daily Limerick 8/26/2000:
A crazy old pervert named Max
helped build the porn star House of Wax
dolls weren’t perfect anatomic
but with much gin and tonic
Max decided to fill in the cracks.
Daily Limerick 8/27/2000:
A fellow engaged in some slackin’
was hit so hard, his skull was crackin’—
He forgot his name
but one horny dame
informed him it was “Phil McCracken.”
Daily Limerick 8/28/2000:
There once was a lady named Mabel
who tried so hard, but was not able
to work her gift wish—
a satellite dish—
but her gard’ner installed some “cable.”
Daily Limerick 8/29/2000:
Dame Liberty says “Send your masses”
(and most are from the lower classes).
What she doesn’t say
is expect low pay
and Uncle Sam mounting your asses.
Daily Limerick 8/30/2000:
A fellow who got little action
caught glimpse of a nude girl in traction
while at the hospital
so he touched his fiddle
could call it a wee-jerk reaction.
Daily Limerick 8/31/2000:
A shy guy who was quite a sap
saw his first strip show at a tap.
One sat on his knee
which made him queasy
though he kept a stiff upper lap.
So, it’s August. Time to sweat your nuts off and pretend you love summer! But, hey, more skin is being shown so maybe that makes it all worth while. August is also National Slam Poetry time, and I’ll take a walk down memory lane and remind you that I became National Limerick Slam Champion on Aug. 12, 1999! Due to artistically-induced poverty, I won’t be able to show up in Providence and defend my crown but... hey, let somebody else share the “glamorous” spotlight for a year!
In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I’m committed to at least a year of the limericks—perhaps for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!
By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.
If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!
©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.
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(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.