Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2000

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail service! (You’ll find a sample limerick below.)

So you’ve spotted that guy or gal that’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly sooth the soul and part the thighs.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply as for it, you won’t receive more limericks! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

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The DAILY LIMERICK. Celebrating a year of bad taste and questionable rhyme! Plus, it tastes like chicken... and biscuits! Coming soon... the Web site...

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Daily Limerick 8/1/2000:

A fellow named Alphonse Modesti

made a gift for this stripper named Chesty

For his own little Venus

made a live, walking penis

who was nice, although just a bit teste.

Daily Limerick 8/2/2000:

A farmer with a fertile plot

grew the world’s largest apricot

which earned him a groupie

and as she was loopy

soon that fruit was stuck in her twot.

Daily Limerick 8/3/2000:

A persistent man with much hope

met a virgin named Annie P. Soap

wore her down with charm power

with time, they hit the shower

and he soon got some soap on da’ rope.

Daily Limerick 8/4/2000:

A geeky young fellow named Coddle

got rich and soon did bang a model

He was near a virgin

so his lust was surgin’

the next day, poor girl’d barely waddle.

Daily Limerick 8/5/2000:

There was a gay man who loved sports

and he’d watch them with all his co-horts

when his play-by-play friend

would speak of a tight end

this gay man would oft times cream his shorts.

Daily Limerick 8/6/2000:

A porn fan whom friends called “The Chipster”

became quite an Internet hipster

caused a trading fever

for all picks of beaver

and Chip called his trading place Nipster.

Daily Limerick 8/7/2000:

A Doors tribute singer named Clyde

craved anal sex—and how he tried!—

with no luck—’til Pippy

a drugged out old hippie

let him through to her other side.

Daily Limerick 8/8/2000:

A bionic man and a satyr

grew tired of bein’ a masturbator

Soon the chicks found him keen

since he was half-machine

in his top lip installed a vibrator.

Daily Limerick 8/9/2000:

A cheese connoisseur named Gilardi

dated a chick who was rather farty

At a tasting with blind fold

she let loose a biff quite bold

he replied, “By the smell, that’s Havarti.”

Daily Limerick 8/10/2000:

A gay man who was in a rut

offered his anus to a nut.

Now this bleedin’ wacko

filled it with tobacco

so he had a cigarette butt

Daily Limerick 8/11/2000:

A man into fetish-like tricks

craved feet on his bod for a fix.

But he was shy, and so

took a class, Tae Kwon do

as a sneaky way to get his kicks.

Daily Limerick 8/12/2000:

A horny young fellow named Ned

took a psycho killer to bed.

Awoke with a start

to a fresh body part

she replied, “I thought you’d like some head.”

Daily Limerick 8/13/2000:

A boy overcame money woes

but dating, for cash, old widows

He invested his money

on grain flakes brushed with honey

and he named his breakfast “Giggle-o’s.”

Daily Limerick 8/14/2000:

There once was a man from the ghetto

a modern day type of Gepetto

with dark motivation

his puppet creation

wore fishnets, a thong and stilleto.

Daily Limerick 8/15/2000:

There once was a scummy young swinger

who went to a lovin’ humdinger

but poor, lonely Georgie

could not join the orgy

for the doorman said ’twas a bringer.

Daily Limerick 8/16/2000:

A man who’d smoked many a bowl

nailed a fat broad with many a roll.

But before he could plow her

had to roll her in flour

so the wet spot could find him her hole.

Daily Limerick 8/17/2000:

A woman who’s job was strip dance

decided to get breast implants.

which brought her more hollers

and more g-string dollars

which caused more frequent dumps of pants.

Daily Limerick 8/18/2000:

A man who loved big hair named Mel

dated girls who went nuts with Prell.

When they napped, masturbation

proved quite a sensation

when he humped their do’s full o’ gel.

Daily Limerick 8/19/2000:

There once was a man named Luigi

who banged a hot slut girl from Fiji

Foreplay lasted an hour

so he came with such power

that for clean-up they needed a squeegee.

Daily Limerick 8/20/2000:

A man known for cov’ring his butt

made love to a vampire and slut.

Was careful as heck

and covered his neck

but found bite marks on his left nut.

Daily Limerick 8/21/2000

A man who was blessed from above

with five penises for sweet love

often would just blubber

’til he found a rubber

with five prongs that fit like a glove.

Daily Limerick 8/22/2000:

A skin flick collecting old slob

tried putting cassettes on his knob.

He screwed a fave movie

which turned-out ungroovy

in ER with Porn on the Cob.

Daily Limerick 8/23/2000:

At each political convention

one boon to each town’s scarcely mentioned.

The business that booms

in most hotel rooms

is that which relieves sex’ul tension.

Daily Limerick 8/24/2000:

Now one Yankee Doodle rode pony

to town thinking of his bologna.

But instead of his cap

stuck it in where she’d crap

told her that it was mere macaroni.

Daily Limerick 8/25/2000:

A girlie who likes her love rough

(wearin’ just high heels and hand cuffs)

started a lover’s spattin’

mid hotel sex on satin

and the bellboy helped himself to muff.

Daily Limerick 8/26/2000:

A crazy old pervert named Max

helped build the porn star House of Wax

dolls weren’t perfect anatomic

but with much gin and tonic

Max decided to fill in the cracks.

Daily Limerick 8/27/2000:

A fellow engaged in some slackin’

was hit so hard, his skull was crackin’—

He forgot his name

but one horny dame

informed him it was “Phil McCracken.”

Daily Limerick 8/28/2000:

There once was a lady named Mabel

who tried so hard, but was not able

to work her gift wish—

a satellite dish—

but her gard’ner installed some “cable.”

Daily Limerick 8/29/2000:

Dame Liberty says “Send your masses”

(and most are from the lower classes).

What she doesn’t say

is expect low pay

and Uncle Sam mounting your asses.

Daily Limerick 8/30/2000:

A fellow who got little action

caught glimpse of a nude girl in traction

while at the hospital

so he touched his fiddle

could call it a wee-jerk reaction.

Daily Limerick 8/31/2000:

A shy guy who was quite a sap

saw his first strip show at a tap.

One sat on his knee

which made him queasy

though he kept a stiff upper lap.

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So, it’s August. Time to sweat your nuts off and pretend you love summer! But, hey, more skin is being shown so maybe that makes it all worth while. August is also National Slam Poetry time, and I’ll take a walk down memory lane and remind you that I became National Limerick Slam Champion on Aug. 12, 1999! Due to artistically-induced poverty, I won’t be able to show up in Providence and defend my crown but... hey, let somebody else share the “glamorous” spotlight for a year!

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I’m committed to at least a year of the limericks—perhaps for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.

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If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!

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©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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