Daily Limerick
Archives: January 2000

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here’s a taste of the Daily Limerick free e-mail service! (Ritz cracker not included.) The Daily Limerick, should you subscribe (again, it’s free), places one freshly baked limerick in your e-mail EVERY SINGLE DAY! If you do not want a piping-hot limerick in your e-mail daily, then DO NOTHING (and if bawdy limericks are not your cup of tea, likewise, simply ignore the rest of this e-mail)! You must REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON THE LIST. Otherwise, you won’t be bothered again. (Okay, you may end up with a sample again at some point because I can’t keep track of every sample I send, but you won’t be put on the Daily Limerick mailing list if you don’t specifically ask to be.)

What kind of person reads the Daily Limerick? Don’t ask! I don’t want to insult my subscribers!

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The DAILY LIMERICK. Now celebrating 6 months of knuckleheadism! Got Limerick?

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1/1/2000

It seems that 2000 is here

when your head clears from Champagne and beer

find a near doomsday prophet

(by now forced to come off it)

proudly dub him a moron of fear!

1/2/2000

A cold band of young urban toughs

found office girls breaking for puffs.

Made each mount a shoulder

before it got colder

and called them their living ear muffs.

1/3/2000

Young Freddy, who lacked good direction

wound up in a rough prison section.

When Louie the Lyncher

gave Fred his 12-incher

Fred died of a lethal erection.

1/4/2000

There is a young lady from France

a genius of erotic dance

one twist of her hips

and purse of her lips

and you’ve got a mess in your pants.

1/5/2000

Those who make films just for adults

have fan groups as gung-ho as cults.

For these films’ awards

eager male hordes

await the erection results.

1/6/2000

A fellow named Buford F. Bunk

got more dames than one might have thunk.

It wasn’t his looks

nor fattened bank books

but between his legs was a trunk.

1/7/2000

A boy studied long for a test

with his girl, who wore quite a tight vest

and he tried to ignore

that dad peeked more and more

because after all, father knows breast.

1/8/2000

A cruel old zookeeper named Dina

was sick of the songs from the Minah.

One dark day she did freak

and sewed up the bird’s beak

but it then hummed tunes with its vagina.

1/9/2000

A bored old gay nudist named James

sat by himself playing butt games.

Hot peppers inserted

was how he self-flirted

until he spewed forth rectal flames.

1/10/2000

There once was a fellow from Crete

who had chocolate flavored man meat

he’d never beg long

for lips on his schlong

most girls deemed his blow jobs a treat.

1/11/2000

A man who loved prowling to flash

dropped styling mousse on his pube cache.

Next victim did gloat

’pon parting trench coat

“an interesting place for moustache.”

1/12/2000—6 Mo. Anniversary!

A lonely she-camel named bumps

longed to go from one to two humps.

She asked a wise whore

how to gain one more

she said: a short skirt and some pumps.

1/13/2000

A fellow named Billy Bob Baines

and a fetish for panty hose—Jane’s

in his mind were the greatest

and though she was a sadist

his new motto was “no pain no Hanes.”

1/14/2000

There was a young fellow named Zach

who put shiny springs on his sack.

In a hundred-yard race

he kept up a good pace

’til he jismed all over the track.

1/15/2000

A young lady who was named Mary

was followed by a sheep named Gary.

Sometimes he would bleat

and show her his meat

which made Mary’s nursery rhymes scary!

1/16/2000

There once was a horny young bride

for whom bondage was source of pride.

For registry hopes

tried on cuffs and ropes—

might say she was fit to be tied.

1/17/2000

There once was a lad from Wisconsin

who had the most hungry young Johnson

he’d play with it lots

and fire off more shots

than a movie starring Charles Bronson.

1/18/2000

There once was a singer named Sloopy

who ran into an anxious groupie.

She did acts quite lewd

before they got nude

and Sloopy’s pants got rather soupy.

1/19/2000

There once was a lady named Cookie

who hadn’t experienced nookie.

She went into porn

and soon felt reborn

when she won “Most Valuable Rookie.”

1/20/2000

A young fast food worker named Hoss

would jag ’hind the back of his boss.

He’d fry some good chicken

and then stick his dick in

to craft his own special jerk sauce.

1/21/2000

Of men this young lady did sicken

so tired of the balls and the dickin’.

She let grow her leg hair

had a lesbo affair

and reports that it tastes just like chicken.

1/22/2000

The students of teacher Anne Cox

wore nothing beneath their art frocks

they skipped finger paint

for something more quaint

and opted to paint with buttocks.

1/23/2000

There was a young lady named Joanie

who had an addiction to boney

when lacking a man

she called her friend Stan

and watch him bopping his boloney.

1/24/2000

A man with a dick made of feather

made love to a lady named Heather.

He put on quite a show

but it tickled her so

she could only lie flat with a tether.

1/25/2000

A young man with tongue made of grass

gave cunnilingus to a lass.

When her boyfriend learned this

he beat grass tongue to piss

for he found green stains around her ass.

1/26/2000

An old alley-dweller named Max

one day used too much moustache wax.

When his homeless young bride

went for a moustache ride

she flew off of his face to the trash.

1/27/2000

A woman born in Terre Haute

has bosoms so big they could vote.

Caught on a sinking barge

why her boobs were so large

that she didn’t drown ’cause she could float.

1/28/2000

There was a young fella named Kent

who’s penis was horribly bent.

When he mounted a dame

it was just such a game

that the girl wouldn’t come ’til he went.

1/29/2000

There once was a girl named Louise

was known as a tad of a sleaze.

As a waitress, her beat

brought time on her feet

but she did her best work on her knees.

1/30/2000

There once was a lady named Sonia

if you’d buy her a gem, she would bone ya’.

But her slutty friend, Clem

banged for a cheap gem

so they called her the Pubic Zirconia.

1/31/2000

That crime dog whom they call McGruff

on criminals was rather tough.

He spent so much time

fighting against crime

because he would rarely taste muff.

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If you’re reading this, the Y2K conspiracy theorists were wrong! The Internet is still working! Celebrate by converting a new Daily Limerick subscriber! Do your part to make this world a better place! Or at least a place with more limericks!

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting and I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I’m committed to at least a year of the limericks—perhaps for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.

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