Daily Limerick Archives: January 2000
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
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The DAILY LIMERICK. Now celebrating 6 months of knuckleheadism! Got Limerick?
It seems that 2000 is here
when your head clears from Champagne and beer
find a near doomsday prophet
(by now forced to come off it)
proudly dub him a moron of fear!
A cold band of young urban toughs
found office girls breaking for puffs.
Made each mount a shoulder
before it got colder
and called them their living ear muffs.
Young Freddy, who lacked good direction
wound up in a rough prison section.
When Louie the Lyncher
gave Fred his 12-incher
Fred died of a lethal erection.
There is a young lady from France
a genius of erotic dance
one twist of her hips
and purse of her lips
and you’ve got a mess in your pants.
Those who make films just for adults
have fan groups as gung-ho as cults.
For these films’ awards
eager male hordes
await the erection results.
A fellow named Buford F. Bunk
got more dames than one might have thunk.
It wasn’t his looks
nor fattened bank books
but between his legs was a trunk.
A boy studied long for a test
with his girl, who wore quite a tight vest
and he tried to ignore
that dad peeked more and more
because after all, father knows breast.
A cruel old zookeeper named Dina
was sick of the songs from the Minah.
One dark day she did freak
and sewed up the bird’s beak
but it then hummed tunes with its vagina.
A bored old gay nudist named James
sat by himself playing butt games.
Hot peppers inserted
was how he self-flirted
until he spewed forth rectal flames.
There once was a fellow from Crete
who had chocolate flavored man meat
he’d never beg long
for lips on his schlong
most girls deemed his blow jobs a treat.
A man who loved prowling to flash
dropped styling mousse on his pube cache.
Next victim did gloat
’pon parting trench coat
“an interesting place for moustache.”
1/12/2000—6 Mo. Anniversary!
A lonely she-camel named bumps
longed to go from one to two humps.
She asked a wise whore
how to gain one more
she said: a short skirt and some pumps.
A fellow named Billy Bob Baines
and a fetish for panty hose—Jane’s
in his mind were the greatest
and though she was a sadist
his new motto was “no pain no Hanes.”
There was a young fellow named Zach
who put shiny springs on his sack.
In a hundred-yard race
he kept up a good pace
’til he jismed all over the track.
A young lady who was named Mary
was followed by a sheep named Gary.
Sometimes he would bleat
and show her his meat
which made Mary’s nursery rhymes scary!
There once was a horny young bride
for whom bondage was source of pride.
For registry hopes
tried on cuffs and ropes—
might say she was fit to be tied.
There once was a lad from Wisconsin
who had the most hungry young Johnson
he’d play with it lots
and fire off more shots
than a movie starring Charles Bronson.
There once was a singer named Sloopy
who ran into an anxious groupie.
She did acts quite lewd
before they got nude
and Sloopy’s pants got rather soupy.
There once was a lady named Cookie
who hadn’t experienced nookie.
She went into porn
and soon felt reborn
when she won “Most Valuable Rookie.”
A young fast food worker named Hoss
would jag ’hind the back of his boss.
He’d fry some good chicken
and then stick his dick in
to craft his own special jerk sauce.
Of men this young lady did sicken
so tired of the balls and the dickin’.
She let grow her leg hair
had a lesbo affair
and reports that it tastes just like chicken.
The students of teacher Anne Cox
wore nothing beneath their art frocks
they skipped finger paint
for something more quaint
and opted to paint with buttocks.
There was a young lady named Joanie
who had an addiction to boney
when lacking a man
she called her friend Stan
and watch him bopping his boloney.
A man with a dick made of feather
made love to a lady named Heather.
He put on quite a show
but it tickled her so
she could only lie flat with a tether.
A young man with tongue made of grass
gave cunnilingus to a lass.
When her boyfriend learned this
he beat grass tongue to piss
for he found green stains around her ass.
An old alley-dweller named Max
one day used too much moustache wax.
When his homeless young bride
went for a moustache ride
she flew off of his face to the trash.
A woman born in Terre Haute
has bosoms so big they could vote.
Caught on a sinking barge
why her boobs were so large
that she didn’t drown ’cause she could float.
There was a young fella named Kent
who’s penis was horribly bent.
When he mounted a dame
it was just such a game
that the girl wouldn’t come ’til he went.
There once was a girl named Louise
was known as a tad of a sleaze.
As a waitress, her beat
brought time on her feet
but she did her best work on her knees.
There once was a lady named Sonia
if you’d buy her a gem, she would bone ya’.
But her slutty friend, Clem
banged for a cheap gem
so they called her the Pubic Zirconia.
That crime dog whom they call McGruff
on criminals was rather tough.
He spent so much time
fighting against crime
because he would rarely taste muff.
If you’re reading this, the Y2K conspiracy theorists were wrong! The Internet is still working! Celebrate by converting a new Daily Limerick subscriber! Do your part to make this world a better place! Or at least a place with more limericks!
In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting and I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I’m committed to at least a year of the limericks—perhaps for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!
By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.
If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!
©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.
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(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.