Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2000

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Put down that Viagra—if you need something to put a prance in your pants, look no farther than the DAILY LIMERICK free e-mail service. Here’s a free sample! For a one-limerick-a-day prescription, just reply to this e-mail, say “sign me up!” (or something to that effect) and your pharmacist of questionable verse will send you 365 a year! If you’d rather do it the Bob Dole way, well, then keep mumbling about the Brooklyn Dodgers and DO NOTHING! That’s right! If you don’t want the DAILY LIMERICK, we won’t send it—again, we only send it if you ask for it! Make sense? Have I repeated myself enough? If not, go to the top of this message and re-apply, lather, rinse and repeat!

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On the 12th Day of July, the Daily Limerick celebrates ONE YEAR OF DISSERVICE to the poetry and intellectual communities of the world! Therefore, our foreskinfather... er, forefather declares July 12th NATIONAL LIMERICK DAY! If somebody’s already declared such a day (and, less face it, in this world that’s altogether possible), well, we’ll call it NATIONAL DAILY LIMERICK DAY! Convert a friend to the Cult of Daily Limerick! That’s one year of blatant overuse of exclamation points! Have at it! Knock yourself out! Spam, Spam, Spam! (NOTE: If you’d rather have this fascinating e-feature sent to another e-mail address, let me know, too!) !!! Take that!!!!!!!! And that!!!!!!!!!!!

The DAILY LIMERICK. Celebrating a year of whatever! Coming soon... the Web site...

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Daily Limerick 7/1/2000:

There once was a fellow named Nolan

who went out for tacos and bowlin’.

Ate such a large share

that bad gas, ’mid spare

left him with a mere semi-colon.

Daily Limerick 7/2/2000:

A drunk tried composing a sonnet

to finger a girl in a bonnet.

When a friend did then query

why he pined for fat Mary

said, “Can’t put my finger upon it.”

Daily Limerick 7/3/2000:

A boy on the honor roll list

enjoyed giving buddies the fist.

On the day of careers

he thought of their rears

and profiled a proctologist.

Daily Limerick 7/4/2000:

Most men don’t like kids—please don’t fear—

but especially after much beer—

as the marketers flex

her appeal based on sex—

many guys would throw Britney a Spear.

Daily Limerick 7/5/2000:

The state of free speech is a mess

threatened by the fears of Congress.

Be en guard, I warn

stand up for your porn—

and your pursuit of happiness!

Daily Limerick 7/6/2000:

A high-octaved diva who lacked

good tongue action when she was sacked

found a man who licked trimmin’s

with a tongue like Gene Simmons

and she screamed so high his glasses cracked.

Daily Limerick 7/7/2000:

A homeless babe asked for a Triscuit;

a fellow offered her a brisket.

She dined in his tower

then he made her shower

and he tasted her whisker biscuit.

Daily Limerick 7/8/2000:

A rich man founded his own nation

an isle full of chicks—what elation!

Men he WOULD invite

had to enter right

through his port called “Ejacu Station.”

Daily Limerick 7/9/2000:

A coffeehouse dweller named Guffin

got hungry o’er coffee and puffin’.

Surveyed the girl there

and the bean sprout fare

and settled on a hairy muffin.

Daily Limerick 7/10/2000:

A 12-year-old boy, a mere pup

met a lass with a 38 cup.

Was so horny, ’twas silly

and he showed her his Willie

when the buxom chick asked him, “What’s up?”

Daily Limerick 7/11/2000:

A hot girl and full-blood Apache

had lust that was real hard to match-y.

Came the year, when this dame

was to choose her own name

and so she dubbed herself “Hungry Snatchy.”

Daily Limerick 7/12/2000:

Today marks a year of DL

(this e-plane of poetic hell)

“subscribers” increase

and limericks don’t cease

(though quality’s certainly fell).

Daily Limerick 7/13/2000:

A fit, acrobatic young floozy

had wild sex within a jacuzzi

which filled her with bubbles

causing lots of troubles

releasing them made her crotch bruisy

Daily Limerick 7/14/2000:

A yuppie named Kimberly Chung

was a kiss ass on the highest rung

of the brown nosing ladder.

Kissing butt was not matter

but ’twas strange that she even used tongue.

Daily Limerick 7/15/2000:

A woman who worked on the docks

stowed away nude in a crate of lox.

Mailed herself to her fella,

when he removed his Stella

he was glad for the rack in the box.

Daily Limerick 7/16/2000:

A dork and master of claymation

made a hot chick for a creation.

She looked fine, it was true

but made for one strange screw—

though nice to view during claybation.

Daily Limerick 7/17/2000:

A buxom and sexy young singer

dated a fellow named Tom Klinger.

For gifts, her great passion

was items of fashion:

For Christmas, gave her Tom’s Hill-finger.

Daily Limerick 7/18/2000:

A 30-year virgin named Durfin

went out with some pals one day surfin’.

But out in the surf

was a female Smurf

so Durfin instead did go smurfin’.

Daily Limerick 7/19/2000:

A girl wearing just go-go boots

took a jungle walk one day for hoots—

made the day rather fair

for a man lying there—

and exclaimed, “Oh my—this bamboo shoots!”

Daily Limerick 7/20/2000:

A dyke with a bad Gay-Dar sensor

dated rarely and just got tenser.

Went to a game one day—

WNBA—

found the stadium a Lez Dispenser.

Daily Limerick 7/21/2000:

A man who made crafts in the malls

spilled glitter down his overalls.

And midgets galore

would fall to the floor

and dance ’neath his new disco balls.

Daily Limerick 7/22/2000:

A man with a marionette

met a lass with a puppet nymphette

These ventriloquists dated

and soon his lust was sated

while his dummy, too, wet his dickette.

Daily Limerick 7/23/2000:

A Beverly Hills tub o’ fat

saw the doc to get her stomach flat.

So he gave her a look

naked, at every crook

and he asked, “Would you like thighs with that?”

Daily Limerick 7/24/2000

There once was a man named Barone

who spent most of his time alone.

Tried playing guitar

but didn’t go far

but man could that cat play his bone!

Daily Limerick 7/25/2000:

There once was a fellow named Grover

who did find a 13-leaved clover.

This innocent man

was framed and jailed and

in prison they named him Ben Dover.

Daily Limerick 7/26/2000:

A daring Italian named Paul

ate red pepper ’til he climbed a wall.

Got his wife to smoke pole

lick his balls, swallow whole—

she replied, “That’s a spicey meatball!”

Daily Limerick 7/27/2000:

There once was a fella’ named Fred

whose dame’s dad shot him in the head.

He was a magician

in his hat he went fishin’—

and the rabbit he pulled out was dead.

Daily Limerick 7/28/2000:

A fellow from Ticonderoga

did lust for a teacher of yoga.

He dressed up like Zeus

and pinched her caboose

which caused uprising in his toga.

Daily Limerick 7/29/2000:

A band of young nymphs straight from Greece

got jobs as cops to pay their lease.

But most of the time

they’d hump, not fight crime.

They dubbed them the Mounted Police.

Daily Limerick 7/30/2000:

A man who had trouble with sleep

took a tip from a friend and snoozed deep.

The friend saw him one night

humping under moonlight

and yelled “no, you sick jerk, you COUNT sheep!”

Daily Limerick 7/31/2000:

There once was a fellow named Fagin

who one day converted to Pagan

he played new age games

to nail many dames

but still ended up mostly beggin’.

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Ah July! The month of sweaty heat and obnoxious tourists in every major city! The month of independence! As our forefathers probably dreamed about when creating America, today you can get one thirsty limerick to your electronic mailbox each and every day. What a country!

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I’m committed to at least a year of the limericks—perhaps for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.

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If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!

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©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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