Daily Limerick Archives: March 2000
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
Here's a scratch and sniff sample of the DAILY LIMERICK free e-mail service! If you'd like to receive one fresh, soft, thirsty limerick delivered to your e-mail box EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE YEAR, just reply to this e-mail and tell me so! If limericks do not fit within your definition of the pursuit of happiness, fear not. Simply do nothing! That's right-if you don't reply, you won't receive more limericks. NOTE: Occasionally, I send a sample to the same e-mail address more than once. That's only because it's hard to keep track sometimes but, rest assured, you're not on the DAILY LIMERICK subscriber list unless you ask to be put on it!
The DAILY LIMERICK. Marvelling at 7 months of setting poetry's reputation back years! Drop the Chalupa-and pick up the DAILY LIMERICK!
A man who with women was good
convinced this girl, Holly, she should.
He gave her his vine
by the Hollywood sign
into "Holly" this man put the "Wood."
A convict they called Johnny Chung
had a Willie so big that it swung
right down to his toes.
When he hit the gallows
was set free-'twas already hung!
There once was a stripper named Helen
whose breasts were each big as a melon
from stage she bent over
her breast killed poor Grover
and now each of her breast's a felon.
There was a big trucker named Jerry
who was bright blond and quite hairy.
He flashed old Georgette
who gave it a pet
because she thought it a canary.
A policeman whose hormones ran free
had no one to service his wee.
He pretended his beef
was a young urban thief
and his right hand the LAPD.
There once was a girl from Peru
whose coochie secreted a glue.
When her twot got itchie
she boffed Lionel Richie
and that's when he wrote, "Stuck on You."
A fellow named Martin J. Spivy
was jilted by Lady Godivey.
So the next time that beauty
rode 'round showin' her booty
he lined her path with fresh poison ivy.
A lonely old hippie tree hugger
had sex mostly as a self-tugger.
Once during a choke
found a hole in an oak
and proceeded to be a tree buggerer.
Thank Heavens for Jennifer Beals!
And all of her dances in heels!
Pre-teen renting Flash Dance
I reached down in my pants
and took joy in quite numerous feels.
A cannibal named Hungry Jake
went to L.A. for a man bake.
His first bite and lick
of some roasted chick
had him cry out, "this stuff tastes fake!"
A crazed hairy old rough bandito
craved public hair shaped like Dorito.
In fact, when old Paco
spied vertical taco
he'd fill it up with his burrito.
A virgin named Tiffany Howard
carried Kielbasa while she showered.
Said her doctor Quinn
'tis good for the skin
but she fell down and was deflowered.
A serial killer named Suds
made candies out of former buds.
He'd candy the hearts
and coat private parts
in chocolate and call them Milk Puds.
A dame from the hills of Canoga
was hit on whilst she did some yoga.
Revving like an Edsel
he bonked that sweet pretzel
this fellow from old Saratoga.
A fellow quite timid and calm
whacked off a lot-Willie de Balm
He bred his own tree
It was a new species of Palm.
There was a young lady named Babs
a nudist who often took cabs.
Ride shared with a slut dip
fresh off a fishing trip
and it seems both of them did catch crabs.
It's St. Pat's Day-ladies will preen
and all think that corned beef is keen.
You should go all out
but leave room for doubt
if even your fluids turn green.
A chef amid making cous-cous
saw a chick with a nice caboose.
She walked really close
he wanted a dose
so reached out and gave a goose-goose.
A homo named Quentin McGrath
tried living a celebate path.
He fought of temptation
with gay masturbation
'til he visited a Turkish bath.
A man with a twirly moustache
one day threw a girls-only bash.
Tickled their insides
with free moustache rides
but the next day his lips grew a rash.
Now most people thought Josie bats
because when she gave her cooch pats
she said it would chatter
so we dubbed the matter
"Josie and her Pussy Chats."
A horny old lawyer named Larry
hired himself a hot secretary.
He hired her to type
and help him lay pipe
and help him forget he did marry.
I guy they called Hair Trigger Louie
with lust easily went Kablooie.
One night, gave looksey
to Spanish TV
and suddenly his pants were gooey.
A man from a faraway land
found Internet sex really grand.
The world's best secretary
a quick typist-well very-
though he only could type with one hand.
A schoolboy whom many found girly
was dragged to the john for a swirly
jocks asked, "no more fag-
surely it's a drag"
he said yes but don't you call me Shirley.
There once was a gay man named Zeke
who'd have sex until he was weak.
Libido'd be fired
and yet he'd feel tired
so he'd just turn the other cheek.
A man who craved a chiseled shape
had the self-control of an ape
at a sculpture show
his Willie did grow
he committed statue-try rape.
A girl from the island of Crete
found giving a blow job a treat
she'd eat lots of snake
and never eat steak
'cause she munched on far too much meat.
A girl learned folks look like their pets
before goin' to see the Rockettes.
With autograph fever
asked 'bout one's pet beaver
whose panties she often forgets.
A girl with a helluvan ass
gave male teachers pure slutty sass.
How far she did go
(with lick and a blow)!
She went to the head of the class!
Now we know most guys don't like dancing
and when they engage in such prancing-
it isn't for fun
their goal Number One:
its trying to do some de-pantsing.
March-into the lion and out of the lamb! Er, in LIKE a lion and out LIKE a lamb, right? Beat yourself to a... er, TREAT yourself to a DAILY LIMERICK to combat those late winter doldrums and kick back to a refreshing limerick to greet spring later in the month. Remember, spring is the time that a young man's fancy turns to LIMERICKS! Share word of DAILY LIMERICK to show your sincerity with that special person you're trying to woo!
In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I'm committed to at least a year of the limericks-perhaps for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!
By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks-one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.
If you want to be on John Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!
(c)1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.
P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!
(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.