Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2000

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here’s a test drive of the DAILY LIMERICK free e-mail service—so start your meddling at the peddle and prepare to do cookies in some prude’s yard! If you like the way this baby handles, send an e-mail reply back to your sleazy limerick dealer (that is, this address), indicate your desire and we’ll throw you on the list—which means you’ll get a daily e-oil change via a limerick! Oh, this metaphor has gone really sour! But if you don’t want to drive away every day with a fresh limerick in your head, worry not because you need DO NOTHING! That’s right, unless you reply with the proper e-paperwork, you won’t receive more limericks. PLEASE NOTE—due to the high pressure tactics of sleazy limerick sales (although no money is made, which is curious...) you may receive this sample e-mail more than once, as our open-shirted, waxed-moustached sales staff doesn’t keep the greatest of records. Nonetheless... Oh, just re-read this if you haven’t figure it out yet! (NOTE: If you’d rather have this fascinating e-feature sent to another e-mail address, let me know, too.)

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Don’t be a dork! Well, okay then, be a dork and convince people to subscribe to the DAILY LIMERICK! Tell them how happy they’ll be to join the millions of people who’re just ecstatic that they’re DAILY LIMERICK subscribers! Or come on out of my dream and join the dozens who’re on the list anyway but aren’t really sure why! The DAILY LIMERICK—celebrating 10 months of... 10 months of... Okay, take two: The DAILY LIMERICK—celebrating 10 months!

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5/1/2000

A man who hailed from Bora Bora

enjoyed his love through the back door-a.

’Round chicks looking fine

his fave pick-up line

was “let’s play Sodom and Gomorah!”

5/2/2000

A man who made statues of clay

went out to the taverns one day

but each pick-up line

fell flat, didn’t shine

so he went for a cold, earthy lay.

5/3/2000

There once was a man, name of Chung,

who was known for being well hung

But U.S. girls would hex

his skill at oral sex

’cause he didn’t quite know the right tongue.

5/4/2000

Now Clyde enjoyed dominant fems

and candies, snacks and donut gems.

He’d enjoy good beatings

with snackings and treatings--

he called it: S & M & Ms.

5/5/2000

A man played with some K-Y jelly

in a storeroom, when in walked young Kelly.

She slipped in his lap

while he was mid-slap—

he splattered all over her belly.

5/6/2000

There once was a lady named Candy

(whose hooters would come in quite handy).

She was quite a prude—

real tough to get nude—

unless you’ve a potion called “Brandy.”

5/7/2000

A fellow they called hungry Jack

liked whores and cocaine for a snack—

he’d have one with the other

yes our vice-lovin’ brother

preferred to have two kinds of crack.

5/8/2000

A man who they called dark meat Sparky

preferred, as he called it, “a darky.”

And he met one named Rollo

and she always did swallow

so each night he fed her his “malarky.”

5/9/2000

Legend has it that ol’ Captain Stubing

carried ointment around for the lubing.

Lonely women who’d gloat

on his honkin’ Love Boat

would be cheered up with fun inner tubing.

5/10/2000

A young babe and rookie at art

asked a male friend just how she could start.

He said art she’d produce

if he fucked her caboose

but her “masterpiece” was just a fart.

5/11/2000

A nude dairy farm in ol’ Sutter

lured a young girl who longed to make butter.

She was taught to milk cow

by a man who yelled “Wow—

lady, I think you’ve milked the wrong udder!”

5/12/2000

A porn company called Porn King

sold so much that the owners did sing.

Their success was a lock

so they called their sold stock

an “Initial Pubic Offering.”

5/13/2000

A sentient diamond named Duff

was stashed by a girl in the buff.

When his friends asked where

she hid him with care

claimed he was a jewel in the muff.

5/14/2000

A man who played electric bass

for women had uncommon taste.

He was so scared of fat

he preferred his chicks flat

saying, “More than a mouthful’s a waste.”

5/15/2000

A fellow named Jonas Johahnson

watched too much porno and Charles Bronson.

A man with masked face

broke into his place

and he shot the guy—with his Johnson!

5/16/2000

A girl who was raised in the sticks

scored an evening of fun with two dicks.

Luckily, was Chinese—

so when she hit her knees

handled both of them just like chopsticks.

5/17/2000

Now women, to Walter J. Phipps

were much like good potato chips.

Eat one, you want more—

his favorite to score?

The brand he prefers is called “Lay’s.”

5/18/2000

A judge by the name of Ed Reese

often scored himself newlywed crease.

After each ceremony

he would quench his baloney

they dubbed him the “justice of the PIECE.”

5/19/2000

A girl who craved only large cock

met many a man who stuffed sock

but lately, was fooled

but a fellow, small-tooled

who invented the new Wonder Jock.

5/20/2000

There once was a lady named Kate

who tried making points with a date.

At a dinner, with Willie

ate a pound of his chili

and farted for seven months straight.

5/21/2000

A man found it tough keeping tabs

on his cheatin’ nympho wife named Babs.

One night asked, “What’s for dinner?”

of his marital sinner

she replied, “If you’re up for it, crabs.”

5/22/2000

There once was a fellow named Leon—

ate a chick out after breathing freon.

’Twas a move rather bold

but her cooch got so cold

that our poor Leon’s face she did pee on.

5/23/2000

A gymnast named Gertie Lipshitz

would leave folks in awe with her splits.

’Cept one time—she got cocky

after much saganaki—

and amid her fine splits got the shits.

5/24/2000

A fellow who looked rather goofy

lusted for a girl who’s hair was poofy.

Showed her his Pez collection

and then probed her dark section

for he filled his dispensers with roofie.

5/25/2000

A large penised man put a smile on

the face of each creature in nylon

very few knew his name

so his true claim to fame

was the reason he’s dubbed “Ernie Pylon.”

5/26/2000

A disgruntled vet’ran of Kinko’s

fell in with some rad commie pinkos.

This band of young punks

soon turned into drunks

and opened a booze store named Stinko’s.

5/27/2000

There once was a fellow named Bingles

for whom taters gave his cock tingles.

One day, found this man

stuck inside a can

done in by his fever for Pringles.

5/28/2000

There once was a girlie named Glen

who told jokes of Marx and Lenin

her philosophy

was Marxist, you see

they called her a commie-dienne.

5/29/2000

There once was a lady named Mona

who one night drank too much Corona

was so out of touch

she didn’t eat much

except for a ball team’s balogna.

5/30/2000

A man made of pasta named Sweeney

had a penis twisted like Rotini

when ready for action—

but during retraction

it looked more like well-cooked linguini.

5/31/2000

There once was a fellow from Tustin

as they say, got hard with the wind’s gustin’

caught in a hurricane

one day riding the train

this poor man almost died of nut bustin’.

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Ah May! The month of... Spring and all that crap, I suppose, but the month I’ll always remember for the first issue of Playboy I ever looked at! Why do I remember that? Hey—I’m wasting my time sending out a free limerick every single day, for Elvis’ sake, I have some issues, pal! And besides... You really don’t want to know that much about the gears in the Daily Limerick’s mind, do you? I didn’t think so.

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I’m committed to at least a year of the limericks—perhaps for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.

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If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!

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©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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