Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2000

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail service! (Now in it’s second year of “service”!) You’ll find a sample limerick below!

So you’ve spotted that guy or gal that’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!

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***

Hey guys and gals, cats and kittens! The Daily Limerick is back in Chicago! And we’ve merged with Exxon! Just kidding (about the Exxon thing).

We’re announcing a new feature to celebrate our uncelebrated return: Slappin’ and Yappin’. Yep, that’s the best title our “focus group” (me rushing to come up with a catchy name in the shower one morning) could come up with. Instead of one monthly “extra message” before the limerick that you never read, there will now be a daily installment of Slappin’ and Yappin’—that is, fresh new comments from the Head Idiot at the Daily Limerick on a DAILY BASIS for you to completely ignore! Of course, not guaranteed on a daily basis for cross-country travel, nuclear emergency, poor time management and other “acts of God” or “acts of the Ghost of Vic Tayback.”

Is the world ready for Slappin’ and Yappin’? Who cares! It’s here anyway!

***

Daily Limerick 11/1/2000:

A chickie who frequented keggers

and gave in to drunk, horned up beggars

one day settled down,

after one such clown

pulled out late and got the dame preggers.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2000:

Did you give out good candy last night? Or are you scraping eggs off your window this morning? Did you get laid at a party because a mask hid your ugly face! Details, details! Please tell!

Actually, I really don't want to know. But there is something I DO want to know: Have you, or anybody else you know, ever experienced or known somebody who experienced the finding of a razor blade in Halloween candy? I mean, we take so much care to make sure they're not in the candy, but did that ever happen at some point or something?

And why would anybody go through all that trouble? Me, I get the little bastards by... Ahem. Of course, that's a joke.

******

Daily Limerick 11/2/2000:

There once was a fella named Buster

who coated his member in mustard.

A Wisconsin girl

tongued it with a twirl

and found his fat brat filled with custard.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2000:

Did you hear about these women who were protesting logging in... I think it was Washington. Maybe Oregon. I read about it in the paper but am too lazy to go look it up.

Anyway, their protests weren't working too well, so they figured they'd use extreme measures. They showed up at the logging site and went TOPLESS.

Brilliant scheme. Now, if I'm cutting down trees and one day, I show up to work and there are bare breasts, here's my thought process. "Cut down trees, see bare breasts. Hmmm. I'm cutting down extra trees! Maybe tomorrow I'll see...."

You get the picture (and this is a family-oriented service-if you happen to be a Jerry Springer type of family, anyway). What were these women thinking-weren't they trying to STOP logging?

Or was the idea that, as long as trees were going down, they were going to do their part and create some logs. Or did they assume that men who enjoy hanging out in the woods with a bunch of other men wouldn't like breasts?

Oh well. I'm gonna go chop down some trees and hope for the best...

******

Daily Limerick 11/3/2000:

A fellow whom some called “The Gipper”

coached football—and wins made him chipper

for his buxon dame

blew him each won game

his catch phrase: “Win one for the zipper!”

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2000:

We all need to count our blessings.

Here I am, unemployed, and I don't have an abundance of leads just yet. Not to mention that my last job falsely led me to believe I would move upward before instituting a hiring freeze. Oh, and my wife was laid off, too, and is currently still unemployed...

But like I said, we should count our blessings-and chief among them is the fact that THE ECONOMY'S BOOMING! Thank God for that!

I am, I think, perhaps spiritually better off than I was 8 years ago, though...

******

Daily Limerick 11/4/2000:

A man heavily into meds

had trouble with women and beds.

His Halloween pumpkin’s

carved like a blonde dumplin’—

his “Jag-O-Lantern” sure turned heads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2000:

Shappin'and Yappin' is earnin' no clappin' for today it's flappin', I'm tired-no crappin'.

******

Daily Limerick 11/5/2000:

Young Jasper was simply elated

with the buxom vampire he dated.

Of fangs, wasn’t thinking—

let her suck his dinkling—

and now, well, let’s just say he’s jaded.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2000:

Well, you've probably gotten my last group e-mail, informing you of a change of e-address. Well, I'm not yet fully converted over but, still, DO NOT reply to this message or send any more to the address I'm now sending from! Send only to my new address: sloop49@earthlink.net.

I'll now return you to your regularly scheduled whatever the hell.

******

Daily Limerick 11/6/2000:

A young man, hairy as a wookie

met a slut—worth quite a long looky—

soon as he was in “it”

he came in a minute

a virgin, was a nookie rookie.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2000:

I did it! I got the new account going! Now I'm going to bed!

(Scintillating conversation comes with this new "Slappin' and Yappin'" feature, no?

******

Daily Limerick 11/7/2000:

There once was a fellow named Potter

whose ex was a farmer’s hot daughter

who liked it on top.

They made up and “pop!”—

ol’ Potts called it “Welcome Back Squatter.”

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2000:

By the time you receive the next limerick, we may already know who our next President of the United States is going to be. And the Daily Limerick has its own prediction! Yes, it's a close race, but after polling friends, acquaintances and other frightening and mentally adled individuals, we have a prediction.

(Remember: You heard it here first!)

I won't name names, but the next President of the United States of America will be...

An idiot. Somebody who has no real opinion on the issues and relies on focus groups to determine what he's going to say next. Someone who'll spend four years bettering life for the corporations who donated money to his campaign. Somebody who talks far too much about religion for somebody running for public office. Somebody who has amazingly not taken a stand over this long, boring campaign trail on anything of much interest to any of us or on anything that will better the political process or our nation's future in the long-run (other than hot-button, divide-and-conquer issues like abortion).

And here's the amazing part: Somebody with FOUR LETTERS IN THEIR LAST NAME!

You just wait and see.

******

Daily Limerick 11/8/2000:

Polls went back and forth with their tumults

but then half our registered adults

made a choice for this nation:

Just which big corporations

would gain the best erection results?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2000:

Blah

******

Daily Limerick 11/9/2000:

A man who was frightened quite chronic

found odd joy in his high colonic

far more than he’d think—

went in with a drink,

which after was a jizz and tonic.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2002:

For today's installment of SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' (by the way, as you read that, hear those words with an echo in your head-it's okay to go back and re-read), we're going to try... Punchlines that don't need jokes! MAD Magazine, a while back, ran a feature of "Jokes That Don't Need Punchlines," but this is different! It's even more stupid!

Feel free to send me your jokes for the punchlines! That way, this will become interactive! Yep, that crazy Daily Limerick is getting so out there, it's almost performance art! Maybe I'll even make love to a ribeye steak as I type the next limerick to make it moreso! Do you want more exclamation points?!!! I'm addicted to them!!!!!!

And now, a couple ground-breaking (breaking ground, perhaps, for their own premature burial-but ground-breaking nonetheless) PUNCHLINES THAT DON'T NEED JOKES! (Or are perhaps sorely in need of jokes:)

1) Darth Nader

2) Pink Freud

3) Daily Limerick flavored Jello

******

Daily Limerick 11/10/2000:

A horny old woman named Potts

would touch herself strongly and lots.

She opened a store

for sex toys hardcore

and named the business “Toys for Twots.”

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2000:

An update on an old song:

"I left my heart... In San Francisco...

and when I returned they'd opened a Gap and a Starbucks inside..."

Feel free to sing it to all your loved ones, compliments of... DAILY LIMERICK!

******

Daily Limerick 11/11/2000:

A man competing in the luge

eyed his partner’s bulge, which was huge.

He started to stare

turned gay, then and there

and soon competed in “The Spooj.”

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2000:

I knew a woman once who was afraid of 1111. That is, the time 11:11 or the day 11/11 or... Any other conceivable arrangement putting eleven next to eleven. She believed that I was Satan and, when I found this out, it made my day.

I don't know why she wasn't afraid of 9:09 and 9/9, or 10:10 and 10:10-perhaps because eleven-eleven made for four of the same digit in a row. It also says something about her that she was AFRAID of 11-11. She saw some weird significance in 11-11 and yet, rather than finding it lucky, or mysterious, she found it scary. She was always afraid when she noticed the time was 11:11, a.m. or p.m. (I suggested to her that she convert to military time, and then she'd only have one 11:11 per day but...)

So, how did I know this woman? Well, I don't want to accidentally identify her. Let's just say we were friends years ago. She indicated she was attracted to me. I indicated that I didn't see her in that way. She pressed the issue, I stood firm. Until I did the obvious, practical thing.

And slept with her.

It's not something I'm proud of. I just figured, well, times were tough, and maybe, if she liked me so damn much, maybe I could learn to like her. So we dated for about 2 weeks and then I told her, "this isn't working-I told you I didn't want this and you asked me to try anyway and, well, here we are."

We remained friends. We were actually part of a large group of friends, which had nothing in common with the "Friends" you know from TV other than the fact that we all happened to each have two ears (eery coincidence, I know). If we would've had more in common with "Friends," I wouldn't have hesitated to sleep with her.

Anyhow, the whole group of friends got weird, collectively. One guy I'm still friends with. Another was first the friend with the "eleven" girl, so the two of them, to my knowledge, remain friends. Another married the eleven-eleven girl. Another, well, she was friends with the friend of the eleven-eleven girl.

Well, I could understand that things got weird after the whole sleeping together thing no working out. But it wasn't as if I used her. I didn't tell her I loved her and her eyes were like the stars and then dump her-quite the opposite. I at first said I didn't want to sleep with her. So it was odd to me that the whole group of friends fell apart, slowly.

A year or two later, I was going through a bad break-up and I called old friends-you know, a way of reconnecting with your old self and all. I left a message or two for eleven girl and she never called back. Then I talked to Eleven's friend and... Face it. "Eleven's friend" or some such moniker is getting unwieldy, so let's call her... Saphire. Although she wasn't a stripper, and you wouldn't want to see her strip...

Well, me and Saphire caught up on old times, I told her about Eleven's not returning my calls, I mentioned how strange it seemed to me, the way the group of us fell apart.

"You know... I shouldn't tell you that," said Saphire.

"What?" said I, knowing full well that this was something I'd really want to hear.

She then made me promise I wouldn't tell anybody and, considering Eleven wouldn't even call me back and I didn't have the other guy's number, the whole point was moot.

"Well, you know how Eleven's whole family is... Catholic in a supersitious way?"

"Uh... No. I did know she's Catholic."

"Well, they believe in the Devil. And they think the Devil walks the Earth."

"All righty..."

"Well, when you broke up with Eleven, she was really broken up over it."

"What!" I said. "We dated two weeks!"

"Well, not exactly that way... I mean, she'd sneeze and she'd say, 'That's John working his evil ways.' Stuff like that. I was starting to get afraid of her."

"So what does...?"

"She thought you were somehow CAUSING her to be sick. CAUSING her minor misfortunes, like sleeping through the alarm clock, whatever..."

"So... A -ha!" It hit me! And suddenly, I was over my own break-up (which, by the way, was from a relationship that lasted a year, not two weeks. I was ecstatic. "So, does she think I'm just a devil's helper... Or the DEVIL HIMSELF?"

"I... I don't know. I think you're more than a helper-I mean, I think she thinks you're more than a helper."

So, that's the story. Now, I'd be upset if she thought I were... Some evil nut. Or even an evil person like... Oh, Gary Coleman. But The Devil is a pretty important guy. Kinda flattering.

Enjoy 11/11!

******

Daily Limerick 11/12/2000:

There once was a fellow named Sloop

turned cartoon and did Betty Boop!

So excited was he

that he slipped and, oh gee!

He went into the hole where she’d poop!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2000:

I'd love to slap and yap, but I'm actually sending this edition early as I'll be even further out in the boonies tonight. I am becoming a technological whiz-I can CHECK my e-mail away from home-but I don't feel like writing down each and every e-mail address on this list to carry with me.

So, now that you have your limerick early, you can get up earlier tomorrow to face the day. As they say: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man get an Egg McMuffin before they stop service breakfast-instead of only having the option of a burger and fries! (Okay, so the meter's off a bit.)

******

Daily Limerick 11/13/2000:

A gay actor whose life fell apart

tried to sell his sperm at the sperm mart.

But his cock wouldn’t rise

so he caused much surprise

when he produced some sperm with a fart.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2000:

NOW, not only do we have to listen to posturing and bullshitting from politicians for an entire year leading up to election day, but we've stumbled upon THE ELECTION THAT WOULD NOT GO AWAY.

It gives me faith in the democratic process-faith in the fact that all parties will perhaps think better about presenting a complete bozo to be President of the United States. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want either of those clown running the McDonald's nearby, muchless the actual country.

But, ah, four years of blah and they'll forget to ask if we want fries with it. I guess that's not too bad.

******

Daily Limerick 11/14/2000:

A fellow whom they nicknamed “Bogey”

called a woman’s privates “pierogi.”

This eccentric dude

named bod parts for food

(don’t dare tell him you crave a hoagie).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2000:

Just a thought:

I was reading somewhere recently about fear of flying. I've never had anything approaching such a thing because, well, my father was an airline pilot and I tend to think in "logical," as opposed to "emotional" or "spiritual" methods (ask my wife about it-she'll go on and on and on...)

Anyhoo, it seems that these brilliant scientists somehow blew millions of dollars to tell us that many who fear flying fear the "lack of control." Ask anybody who fears flying, and they'll tell you the same thing but, hey, it don't mean nothing until an expert says it's so.

Let's analyze this. These people aren't afraid of driving, even though their chances are 50 times greater of dying through that mode of transportation. And any idiot can get a driver's license-or almost any idiot (just take a drive and try to tell me differently)...

Here's what I have to say to any of these guys fearing "lack of control": When YOU have control, you're yappin' on a cell phone while driving 2 inches from my rear bumper; when you lack control, the control is exercised by a pilot, most likely trained in a ruthless military manner and ruthlessly tested regularly by their airline and the FAA....

I think most of us fear you HAVING CONTROL and take comfort in your LACK OF CONTROL, pal.

******

Daily Limerick 11/15/2000:

A witch of a sexual coven

nude, lured a man into an oven

say’n, “come in—I’ll blow ya’”

it just goes to show ya’

men will go half-baked for sweet lovin’.

***

SLAPPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2000

I saw an "E! True Hollywood Story" on the woman who is the supporting actress for "King of Queens."

Ahem. Now, VH-1 is to blame for this phenomenon. At least it began with such shows profiling legends like Led Zeppelen, and for E!, those like Alfred Hitchcock.

Nothing against ol' what's her name on "King of Queens" (she can be quite titilating, if nothing else), but... VH-1 doing Britney Spears? What was her big dark point, considering she too young to become bitter, addicted or a religious lunatic? Her horrible battle for captain of the junior high gym class wiffle ball team?

Look for "Behind the Checkout." 'Cause they're gonna have to start profiling the cashier at your local Targer at this rate... sometime next year.

******

Daily Limerick 11/16/2000:

Floridians casting their ballots

confusion hit their heads like mallets.

It seems that en masse

stuck heads up their ass

and from there did toss their own salads.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2000:

So, William Baldwin feels it fit to announce that George Bush is a "White Knuckling Drunk," because he's not in some sort of alcohol program, like he "needs to be."

Ah. Not drinking is not enough to make you a non-alcoholic. And I suppose being thin doesn't necessarily mean you're not obese. And the sky being blue doesn't mean it's blue.

Before I go further, I'll remind you that I think both Bush and Gore are idiots.

Anyway, I guess we're supposed to value the opinion of a guy who plays pretend for a living. Somewhere along the line, he entered the medical/psychological profession, too.

Okay, I'll run with his reasoning. So, being Willie's been an actor for many years, I guess he's just a "White Knuckling Amateur," because he's not in some sort of acting class, like he needs to be.

Well, either way, the election promises something dismal but, remember, if Bush is elected, Alec Baldwin said he'd move to Canada.

Almost makes you want to turn Republican, don't it?

******

Daily Limerick 11/17/2000:

There once was a fellow named Rocker

whose fetish was quite a big shocker.

He got his first steiner

o’er pie in a diner

and now the lad stalks Betty Crocker.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2000:

And the undisputed King of Vampires is...

Can't say. We need a re-Count.

: P

******

Daily Limerick 11/18/2000:

A girl thought she was in “the know”

bet on triv’a—a lick for a blow.

It turns out she was wrong

and the guy bared his schlong

and this lady, she ate more than crow.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2000:

Do all Web sites based in Cuba and China end in a ".communist"?

Why don't porn sites end with ".cum"?

Is an Internet savvy woman with children a ".mom"?

I horrible Web-casted comedy a ".bomb"?

Is Internet punctuation ".commas"?

Isn't this ".dumb"?

******

Daily Limerick 11/19/2000:

A boss got a tingly dink

o'er his secretary in pink.

Though it wasn’t too wise

he still parted her thighs—

dipped his pen in the company ink.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2000:

No slappin' and yappin' today. Here's an early one as I'll be... Well, even more out in the boonies than I currently am.

******

Daily Limerick 11/20/2000:

A girl with a large set of mamms

was quite often op’ning her gams.

Her best-known affair

arose from a dare

when she did the St. Louis Rams.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN" 11/20/2000:

Isn't it funny how "legitimate" news sources are now using the same moniker as Comedy Central for the "election": Indecision 2000?

When you step back and think about it, it makes perfect sense.

When Elvis entered his fat, later days, he became a parody of himself. Well, the United States has entered its fat days as well and...

Isn't often hard to make jokes because... Things are making fun of themselves just fine.

******

Daily Limerick 11/21/2000:

A bimbo with brain in a fog

found a time machine out in a bog.

Now this super hot babe

went to see Honest Abe

and she made the world’s first Lincoln Log.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2000:

I was just reading the other day how the NFL has "fashion police"-they make sure to cover up any labels of companies who don't pay for sponsorship (so their names aren't shown on TV) and I guess they even make sure players have their socks pulled up, shirts tucked in, etc.

Now, I've been questioning all along why sports are considered such a "manly" thing. Watching grown men in shorts and/or tight pants, sweating and getting physical with one another. Tight ends and the possibility of a "Rams Packers" game. (Think about that for a bit.)

But... I thought, if you cared so much about your socks and stuff being just right you... Well... Let's just say you engaged in extra-curricular activities other than football. Choir, perhaps. Not that everybody in choir is... And not that there's anything wrong with, well...

Ahem. Just an observation.

******

Daily Limerick 11/22/2000:

A medieval princess so svelte

was seduced by Sir Titus the Celt.

When he went for coitus

the poor cock of young Titus

was bruised on her chastity belt.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2000:

Have you noticed that the Post Office has a tie-in sponsorship deal with "The Grinch"? So, the Hollywoodization of Government, and the Governmentization of Hollywood, is about to reach full circle.

We can think of a few more sponsorhip tie-ins for government agencies that would be appropriate.

For instance, why didn't the Dept. of Housing and Urban Development, the brainchild behind the public housing system, hook up with "Battlefield Earth"?

Where was the IRS for "Godzilla 2000"?

Social Security teamed-up with "Gone in 60 Seconds"?

******

Daily Limerick 11/23/2000:

There once was a pervert, quite perky

for whom Thanksgiving was quite murky.

Was never invited—

by friends and kin, slighted—

since he was caught humping the turkey.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2000:

Ahhh. Thanksgiving. The traditional time to give thanks, gorge yourself, and then turn around and kill a bunch of Native Americans.

Better to keep our traditions to the first two, okay?

******

Daily Limerick 11/24/2000:

A red-headed girl, Billy Joe

had many and many a beau.

She wasn’t real sexy

but men were perplexy:

Does she have the fire down below?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2000:

Now I realize it's not a new commercial (I don't see a lot of TV and, when I do, I tend to pay little attention to ads), but today I took note of one for an SUV that uses the music of Jimi Hendrix.

Not that I think there's much chance of this happening, but I'd like to say, for the record, that if any of my quotes, or limericks, or my likeness (in some annoying Lipton "It's Brisk Baby" type thing) are used to shill products, please, don't buy the product in question. And write the company to tell them you're offended (hey, us non-religious, thinking types should be able to get in on this "offended" game, right?).

******

Daily Limerick 11/25/2000:

So badly lusted young Joe Bauer

for this girl he sought to deflower,

promised “anything”

but regret she’d bring

when “anything” was golden shower.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2000:

And now, here's our new "Letters to the Editor" feature:

Yup. Scintilating stuff, no?

We don't get a lot of feedback here. Perhaps that's a good thing. And so, naturally, I haven't received any feedback, good or bad, on Slappin' and Yappin'.

Newer subscribers may not know that, at one point, I offered a FREE limerick (tailored as you saw fit) to everybody who referred a new subscriber to the Daily Limerick.

Somebody tried. To no avail.

And nobody else tried.

Which, again, is perhaps for the best, as I don't necessarily have time for every Tom, Dick and Harry from Nantucket who wants a damn limerick.

Anybody ever been to Limerick? Ireland? Pennsylvania? Wherever the hell else a Limerick exists?

Just makin' small type.

******

Daily Limerick 11/26/2000:

A boy band just learned how to drink

and downed so much, could barely blink.

On these legal meds

just where were their heads?

Well later on, they were “In Sink.”

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2000:

Britney Spears came from the Mickey Mouse Club. So did Christina Aguilara. And the third-rate imitators, Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson, ditto.

I was also informed today that one of the members of N'Sync (or is it the Backstreet Boys) came from Disney as well.

Exactly what does this say about the "hipsters" of today? Should we really have a generation with weened on music by Disney? Is that really an improvement over a generation into heavy smoking, drug addicted, socially maladjusted musicians?

The strangest part is Disney, in all it's alleged "yeah for kids" attitude, has much of older male America suddenly salivating over a teenager baring a flat belly, shaking a nubile set of buttocks and sportin' mammaries to fuel rumors of implantation.

But don't go growin' a moustache while you're in Disney's employ! And don't light up a smoke in the open-aired Disneyland! Let's promote wholesome activities, like jigglin' teenaged ass!

******

Daily Limerick 11/27/2000:

A bra-less young girl with big breasts

caused accidents—those tits were pests!

So both of her melons

became famous felons

and were placed under blouse arrest.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2000:

Okay, get this: The movie "Charlie's Angels" hired SEVENTEEN WRITERS to put together the script.

Now, I haven't seen the movie, but I'll bet you a good amount that the average viewer isn't gonna say, "Man! What a plot! What dialogue! They must've used at least 17 writers to pull that off!"

Oddly enough, however, there are still more reasons to see the movie than there are writers.

There were 17 writers and there are 18 reasons to see the movie. ONLY 18 reasons, mind you, and not one more but...

Count with me. You have Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore. That's 3 actresses. They each have 2 buttocks, 2 legs and 2 hooters. Three times six equals eighteen.

Only 18 reasons to see that flick.

******

Daily Limerick 11/28/2000:

There once was a spinster named Mabel

whose sex life was rather unstable

Met a cable guy

but she wouldn’t buy

’though he did install her some cable.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2000:

Does anybody remember when the term "Palm Pilot" would get your ass kicked on the playground?

Just don't tell me about what you call your "little airplane," pal. And no talk about "winging it."

Or jumbo jets. Or crash landings.

This is just plain silly. Enough.

******

Daily Limerick 11/29/2000:

There once was a well-hung young stoner

whose bulge made any girl a moaner.

He got a lap dance

which injured, by chance

the dancer thrown far by his boner.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2000:

What if a "funny thing" actually DOES happen to you on the way to work? Will you have the nerve to bring it up?

What if you take up sewing and find, to much chagrin, that a stich in time only saves eight? Who's gonna believe you?

What if your wife really is SO FAT that, in order to have sex, you actually DO have to slap her ass and ride the wave in? Can you run THAT by your marriage counselor?

If you're amid a Chinese Fire Drill and it seems confusing, what kind of metaphor can you use to express your puzzlement?

What does a chicken with its head cut off run around like?

Can a dentist look a gift horse in the... Well, you know.

******

Daily Limerick 11/30/2000:

A man working out in the garden

glimpsed his mistress buck nude and said “Pardon!”

she was pissed for a while

but a large, flattered smile

crossed her lips when she saw he did harden.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2000:

Today I answered the phone. It was a telemarketer. He said, "This is a CONVENIENCE call."

You know, this...

I've gotta say that...

Well... Um... Don't you think...

Isn't this absurd enough? Do I need to comment on this? A TELEMARKETER, which should be as an example in the dictionary next to the word INCONVENIENCE, calling what he's doing a CONVENIENCE call.

This is just....

You know, this kind of thing is...

So maybe we should all...

I'll leave it at that, I suppose.

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks—a milestone I’ve already past! At this point, I’m not entirely sure why I’m continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop—so perhaps I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!

***

©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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