Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2000

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Daily Limerick screwed up. Yup. We missed a couple days. It’s all because, well, although we write limericks a week ahead of time, a packing error during the move put the modem somewhere inconveniently separated from the other computer components. But you’re still getting the same amount of limericks you’ve paid for. Oh, that’s right. You aren’t paying a damn thing for these. But... well, you know what I mean. I think. Let me know what I mean if you figure it out, because I don’t know what I mean myself.

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Also, a special “treat” for Daily Limerick freeloaders! Or perhaps it’s more of a “trick,” but, either way, it’s kinda connected to some kinda theme, and that’s saying something, right? Yes, you’ll be able to re-live Daily Limerick’s trip across country to Chicago via limerick through Oct. 30. Because, as I write limericks a week ahead of time in case of emergency (which did a lot of good for the last emergency), the original themed limericks were NOT written as I was travelling across country but instead while I was still in Los Angeles! Oh, the scandal! So you’ll get to read limericks ACTUALLY WRITTEN IN DESTINATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY! Oh, the journalistic integrity of it all!

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Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail service! (Now in it’s second year of “service”!) You’ll find a sample limerick below!

So you’ve spotted that guy or gal that’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly sooth the soul and part the thighs.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply as for it, you won’t receive more limericks! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

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It’s October and you know what that means, right? Politicians telling more lies than usual and endlessly babbling about every issue except the really important ones. We at the Daily Limerick are endorsing fictional characters this election—there’s nobody worthy of leading our country in the running, so don’t waste your vote by voting for a real person! Alfred E. Neuman, Homer Simpson, Ms. Cartman—the fictional character in question is your call, but vote for him or her with pride!

Also, this special October, the one before the first October of the new millennium (yes, review your old math class notes if that confuses you) also marks... the move of the Daily Limerick office back to Chicago! More details at 11! Okay, not at 11! I don’t even know if I’ll give you more details!

And as the leaves let the trees fall, honor autumn by letting your pants fall—relax, crack open a beverage, scratch yourself and enjoy the Daily Limerick!

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Daily Limerick 10/1/2000:

A downtrodden vagrant and dreamer

found board with a Christian redeemer

snuck in a young cutie

but soon got the boot—he

didn’t expect she’d be a screamer.

Daily Limerick 10/2/2000:

Now here’s the scoop on Jack and Jill

and why Jack tumbled down the hill—

they’d just met in town

and she pushed him down

’cause he whipped out his honkin’ dill.

Daily Limerick 10/3/2000:

A man slingin’ dogs topped with chili

one day served a hot little philly

free food, which he sneaked

until this girl shrieked

when she found the dog was his Willie.

Daily Limerick 10/4/2000:

A girl who held oral sex dear

during it would tug her man’s ears.

Got so much of that

even without hat

her main squeeze looked like Mouseketeer.

Daily Limerick 10/5/2000:

There once was a girlie named Anna

on a diet of just fruit (some bran-a)

she chowed down at a diner

(left her glasses behin’ ’er)

’til the waiter said, “That’s no banana!”

Daily Limerick 10/6/2000:

A man scammin’ chicks at a dance

went home with one who had implants.

They stripped down for trouncin’

but those boobs weren’t bouncin’

so he put his cock back in his pants.

Daily Limerick 10/7/2000:

A fellow named Melvin T. Shryva

met a modern lady Godiva

but this one was better

for she let him pet her

and coated his rod with saliva.

Daily Limerick 10/8/2000:

A man at the strip bar Pink Collars

was nicknamed “The Mad Anal Mauler”

an unwise Muff Vance

gave him a lap dance—

received a fisting full of dollars.

Daily Limerick 10/9/2000:

A stewardess named Courtney Pryor

would spank passengers who’d defy her.

Though many a knave

would still misbehave

she gained many a frequent flier.

Daily Limerick 10/10/2000:

A cruel man and big masturbator

was sick of his job as a waiter.

Became an assassin

and colleagues’ harrassin’

dubbed the poor guy “The Sperminator.”

Daily Limerick 10/11/2000:

A man who found ass-licking nice

met an ass-hungry Cajun girl, Bryce.

Spanked her up to hear squeals

and off her he’d eat meals

and his fav’rite was red buns and rice..

Daily Limerick 10/12/2000:

A fellow named Norton J. Block

for his girls’ birthday, threw on Bach.

To her chin, gave a lift

and presented her gift

which, of course, was his big honkin’... clock.

Daily Limerick 10/13/2000:

If you’ve been let in on some caper,

a gossipy tid-bit—a gaper—

and you want to keep it

in L.A., this secret,

just publish it in the newspaper.

Daily Limerick 10/14/2000:

Some sailors a cravin’ some beaves

met hot blondes with brains much like sieves.

Wine coolers, they bought ’em—

on that fine, cool autumn

the pants started falling like leaves.

Daily Limerick 10/15/2000:

A hot gourmet groupie named Zucker

bangs five star chefs—quite a good fucker!

One chef did defy her

a master stir fryer

so she knelt and became a wok sucker.

Daily Limerick 10/16/2000:

There once was a dim-wit named Bart

whose brain grew along with his heart.

Then a chick came along

and he’d think all day long—

guess you could say that he was whipped smart.

Daily Limerick 10/17/2000:

After a year-long dali-ance

I’m leaving L.A.—makes me dance!

One answer I seek:

Are those mountain peaks

real or geologic implants?

Daily Limerick 10/18/2000:

A south desert vixen named Stanyon

who took many a male companion

proved that guys and gals

are formed by locales—

(between her legs was a Grand Canyon).

Daily Limerick 10/19/2000:

A young Coloradan was cocky

and would often wear a skimpy frocky.

She was queen of two timers

among the mountain climbers

for she had her own fine set of Rockies.

Daily Limerick 10/20/2000:

There once was a girl from Nebrasker

a real sexual multi-tasker

no act was too spicy

no fetish too dicey

to give it a go, you’d just ask her.

Daily Limerick 10/21/2000:

There once was a girl from Wyoming

whose looks often set guys’ mouths foaming.

She’d get nude for some rubes

who’d be scared by her pubes

which were so long that they needed combing.

Daily Limerick 10/22/2000:

A loose, nubile girlie and lush-whore

would prey on tourists by Mount Rushmore

With bush, mouth or bum

she’d make the guys cum

and each one she’d try to make gush more.

Daily Limerick 10/23/2000

Ther once was a “girl” from St. Paul

who, truthfully, sported two-ball.

But many a male fool

was “her” John—all seemed cool

(his Adam’s-apolis was small).

Daily Limerick 10/24/2000:

There once was a cat named Ed Drudge

on whose nickname, friends wouldn’t budge.

For many a year

’twas was “The Chocolatier”

thanks to his love of packing fudge.

Daily Limerick 10/25/2000:

A sick necrophiliac named Nash

was not asked to many a bash.

But one had a fire

and the fun’ral pyre

found Nash seeking a piece of ash.

Daily Limerick 10/26/2000:

There once was a showgirl from Vegas

again and again she would beg us

to leave her alone

not think with our bone

for she had a fine set of leg-as.

Daily Limerick 10/27/2000:

There once was a girl from Salt Lake

who was partly burnt at the stake

for non-Mormon rantings

right up to her panties

a most painful type of clam bake.

Daily Limerick 10/28/2000:

There is a loose girl in Cheyenne

gets anal whenever she can

from guys at the bar—

keeps her regu-lar

(she claims it works better than bran).

Daily Limerick 10/29/2000:

A girlie moved to Rapid City

to sell her new commercial ditty

which made her some dough

she needed more, though,

but she made much more with her tittie.

Daily Limerick 10/30/2000:

A blind man from South Minnesota

for beauty, cared not one iota.

He’d always have first picks

of all ugly fat chicks

and set himself a “Bowser Quota.”

Daily Limerick 10/31/2000:

If you’re looking to take a whirl

a fling that’ll make your toes curl

switch identity—

it’s Halloween—wee!—

and cheat on your girl with your girl!

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks—a milestone I’ve already past! At this point, I’m not entirely sure why I’m continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop—so perhaps I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.

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If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!

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©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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