Daily Limerick Archives: October 2000
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
Daily Limerick screwed up. Yup. We missed a couple days. It’s all because, well, although we write limericks a week ahead of time, a packing error during the move put the modem somewhere inconveniently separated from the other computer components. But you’re still getting the same amount of limericks you’ve paid for. Oh, that’s right. You aren’t paying a damn thing for these. But... well, you know what I mean. I think. Let me know what I mean if you figure it out, because I don’t know what I mean myself.
Also, a special “treat” for Daily Limerick freeloaders! Or perhaps it’s more of a “trick,” but, either way, it’s kinda connected to some kinda theme, and that’s saying something, right? Yes, you’ll be able to re-live Daily Limerick’s trip across country to Chicago via limerick through Oct. 30. Because, as I write limericks a week ahead of time in case of emergency (which did a lot of good for the last emergency), the original themed limericks were NOT written as I was travelling across country but instead while I was still in Los Angeles! Oh, the scandal! So you’ll get to read limericks ACTUALLY WRITTEN IN DESTINATIONS ACROSS THE COUNTRY! Oh, the journalistic integrity of it all!
Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail service! (Now in it’s second year of “service”!) You’ll find a sample limerick below!
So you’ve spotted that guy or gal that’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly sooth the soul and part the thighs.
Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!
Should you not desire a succulent limerick delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply as for it, you won’t receive more limericks! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)
Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!
It’s October and you know what that means, right? Politicians telling more lies than usual and endlessly babbling about every issue except the really important ones. We at the Daily Limerick are endorsing fictional characters this election—there’s nobody worthy of leading our country in the running, so don’t waste your vote by voting for a real person! Alfred E. Neuman, Homer Simpson, Ms. Cartman—the fictional character in question is your call, but vote for him or her with pride!
Also, this special October, the one before the first October of the new millennium (yes, review your old math class notes if that confuses you) also marks... the move of the Daily Limerick office back to Chicago! More details at 11! Okay, not at 11! I don’t even know if I’ll give you more details!
And as the leaves let the trees fall, honor autumn by letting your pants fall—relax, crack open a beverage, scratch yourself and enjoy the Daily Limerick!
Daily Limerick 10/1/2000:
A downtrodden vagrant and dreamer
found board with a Christian redeemer
snuck in a young cutie
but soon got the boot—he
didn’t expect she’d be a screamer.
Daily Limerick 10/2/2000:
Now here’s the scoop on Jack and Jill
and why Jack tumbled down the hill—
they’d just met in town
and she pushed him down
’cause he whipped out his honkin’ dill.
Daily Limerick 10/3/2000:
A man slingin’ dogs topped with chili
one day served a hot little philly
free food, which he sneaked
until this girl shrieked
when she found the dog was his Willie.
Daily Limerick 10/4/2000:
A girl who held oral sex dear
during it would tug her man’s ears.
Got so much of that
even without hat
her main squeeze looked like Mouseketeer.
Daily Limerick 10/5/2000:
There once was a girlie named Anna
on a diet of just fruit (some bran-a)
she chowed down at a diner
(left her glasses behin’ ’er)
’til the waiter said, “That’s no banana!”
Daily Limerick 10/6/2000:
A man scammin’ chicks at a dance
went home with one who had implants.
They stripped down for trouncin’
but those boobs weren’t bouncin’
so he put his cock back in his pants.
Daily Limerick 10/7/2000:
A fellow named Melvin T. Shryva
met a modern lady Godiva
but this one was better
for she let him pet her
and coated his rod with saliva.
Daily Limerick 10/8/2000:
A man at the strip bar Pink Collars
was nicknamed “The Mad Anal Mauler”
an unwise Muff Vance
gave him a lap dance—
received a fisting full of dollars.
Daily Limerick 10/9/2000:
A stewardess named Courtney Pryor
would spank passengers who’d defy her.
Though many a knave
would still misbehave
she gained many a frequent flier.
Daily Limerick 10/10/2000:
A cruel man and big masturbator
was sick of his job as a waiter.
Became an assassin
and colleagues’ harrassin’
dubbed the poor guy “The Sperminator.”
Daily Limerick 10/11/2000:
A man who found ass-licking nice
met an ass-hungry Cajun girl, Bryce.
Spanked her up to hear squeals
and off her he’d eat meals
and his fav’rite was red buns and rice..
Daily Limerick 10/12/2000:
A fellow named Norton J. Block
for his girls’ birthday, threw on Bach.
To her chin, gave a lift
and presented her gift
which, of course, was his big honkin’... clock.
Daily Limerick 10/13/2000:
If you’ve been let in on some caper,
a gossipy tid-bit—a gaper—
and you want to keep it
in L.A., this secret,
just publish it in the newspaper.
Daily Limerick 10/14/2000:
Some sailors a cravin’ some beaves
met hot blondes with brains much like sieves.
Wine coolers, they bought ’em—
on that fine, cool autumn
the pants started falling like leaves.
Daily Limerick 10/15/2000:
A hot gourmet groupie named Zucker
bangs five star chefs—quite a good fucker!
One chef did defy her
a master stir fryer
so she knelt and became a wok sucker.
Daily Limerick 10/16/2000:
There once was a dim-wit named Bart
whose brain grew along with his heart.
Then a chick came along
and he’d think all day long—
guess you could say that he was whipped smart.
Daily Limerick 10/17/2000:
After a year-long dali-ance
I’m leaving L.A.—makes me dance!
One answer I seek:
Are those mountain peaks
real or geologic implants?
Daily Limerick 10/18/2000:
A south desert vixen named Stanyon
who took many a male companion
proved that guys and gals
are formed by locales—
(between her legs was a Grand Canyon).
Daily Limerick 10/19/2000:
A young Coloradan was cocky
and would often wear a skimpy frocky.
She was queen of two timers
among the mountain climbers
for she had her own fine set of Rockies.
Daily Limerick 10/20/2000:
There once was a girl from Nebrasker
a real sexual multi-tasker
no act was too spicy
no fetish too dicey
to give it a go, you’d just ask her.
Daily Limerick 10/21/2000:
There once was a girl from Wyoming
whose looks often set guys’ mouths foaming.
She’d get nude for some rubes
who’d be scared by her pubes
which were so long that they needed combing.
Daily Limerick 10/22/2000:
A loose, nubile girlie and lush-whore
would prey on tourists by Mount Rushmore
With bush, mouth or bum
she’d make the guys cum
and each one she’d try to make gush more.
Daily Limerick 10/23/2000
Ther once was a “girl” from St. Paul
who, truthfully, sported two-ball.
But many a male fool
was “her” John—all seemed cool
(his Adam’s-apolis was small).
Daily Limerick 10/24/2000:
There once was a cat named Ed Drudge
on whose nickname, friends wouldn’t budge.
For many a year
’twas was “The Chocolatier”
thanks to his love of packing fudge.
Daily Limerick 10/25/2000:
A sick necrophiliac named Nash
was not asked to many a bash.
But one had a fire
and the fun’ral pyre
found Nash seeking a piece of ash.
Daily Limerick 10/26/2000:
There once was a showgirl from Vegas
again and again she would beg us
to leave her alone
not think with our bone
for she had a fine set of leg-as.
Daily Limerick 10/27/2000:
There once was a girl from Salt Lake
who was partly burnt at the stake
for non-Mormon rantings
right up to her panties
a most painful type of clam bake.
Daily Limerick 10/28/2000:
There is a loose girl in Cheyenne
gets anal whenever she can
from guys at the bar—
keeps her regu-lar
(she claims it works better than bran).
Daily Limerick 10/29/2000:
A girlie moved to Rapid City
to sell her new commercial ditty
which made her some dough
she needed more, though,
but she made much more with her tittie.
Daily Limerick 10/30/2000:
A blind man from South Minnesota
for beauty, cared not one iota.
He’d always have first picks
of all ugly fat chicks
and set himself a “Bowser Quota.”
Daily Limerick 10/31/2000:
If you’re looking to take a whirl
a fling that’ll make your toes curl
and cheat on your girl with your girl!
In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks—a milestone I’ve already past! At this point, I’m not entirely sure why I’m continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop—so perhaps I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!
By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.
If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!
©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.
P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!
(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.