Daily Limerick Archives: September 2000
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail service! (Now in it’s second year of “service”!) You’ll find a sample limerick below!
So you’ve spotted that guy or gal that’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly sooth the soul and part the thighs.
Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!
Should you not desire a succulent limerick delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply as for it, you won’t receive more limericks! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)
Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!
The DAILY LIMERICK is now in its second year of existence—and many think it’s starting to show in the quality! Or is the drop in quality due to the fact that it’s Home Office has been in Hollywood for a while now? (Well, if it’s any consolation, we won’t be here for too much longer, so the limericks should be... slightly less lousy in the future.)
Anyway, I’m just supposed to be setting up a catch phrase here, and possibly to get you to read the text below the limerick (which DOES change every month), so: DAILY LIMERICK—You Deserve a Groan Today!
Daily Limerick 9/1/2000:
An avid oudoorsman named Larket
was told by his broker to “park it”
amid a date hike
when she said she’d like
to try her hand with the Cock Market.
Daily Limerick 9/2/2000:
A man, in three weeks fired twice
sought a cute job agent’s advice
he was asked by her
what jobs he’d prefer
he said, “blow or hand would be nice.”
Daily Limerick 9/3/2000:
There once was a man from Berlin
who’s fetish, well, never could win—
it ’twas coprophilia
which’d ruin the appeal-a
of his trademark “shit eatin’ grin.”
Daily Limerick 9/4/2000:
There once was a pervert named Sherm
who commenced into burpin’ the worm
at this babe’s Good Will station
she asked “What’s your donation?”
and he said he was donating sperm.
Daily Limerick 9/5/2000:
A porn actress out of Van Nuys
got dildos when she found great buys—
were write-offs, she found
when tax time came ’round
for they were her office (orifice?) supplies.
Daily Limerick 9/6/2000:
One day that most dames do remember
even after many a September
is that day, so grand
when held in their hand
for the first time a pulsating member.
Daily Limerick 9/7/2000:
There once was a milit’ry man
released from the force—how he ran!
To his girl—fast asleep—
she awoke, for to peep
him there with a discharge in hand.
Daily Limerick 9/8/2000:
A Cajun explorer named Spader
stumbled ’cross a reptile and stayr
a humpin’ a log
way out in a bog
and he dubbed him the Master Gator.
Daily Limerick 9/9/2000:
There once was a horny young Cajun
upon whom the Nielsons were gaugin’—
watched pay-per-view porn
all night and all morn
and Spice Channel’s ratings were ragin’.
Daily Limerick 9/10/2000:
There was a young lady named Tucker
for gators her lips’d always pucker
her face would turn reddish
when asked ’bout her fetish
while some simply called her Croc Sucker.
Daily Limerick 9/11/2000:
There once was a man named LeClaire
who liked his chicks smooth way down there.
He’d give his girl candies
the finest silk panties
of which the fronts were soaked in Nair.
Daily Limerick 9/12/2000:
There once was a pervert and bookie
who’d have sex in bathtubs of cookie.
And every loose dame
who played his sick game
remembered the choc’late chip nookie.
Daily Limerick 9/13/2000:
There once was a fellow named Noah
who needed no more than “Aloha”
to bed down hot chicks—
he needed no tricks—
word was he was hung like a boa.
Daily Limerick 9/14/2000:
There once was a fellow named Trent
who thought he’d quit titties for Lent
but at Mardi Gras
when off came a bra
right off of that planning he went.
Daily Limerick 9/15/2000:
There once was a girlie named Pam
who had such a fine set o’ gams
that when she’d walk by
every watching guy
would run away to slam the ham.
Daily Limerick 9/16/2000:
There once was a fellow named Thax
whose penis and tongue got the ax.
So the only way
for some kind of lay
was to enter chicks via fax.
Daily Limerick 9/17/2000:
Do you all recall Jeff Gilooly?
Whose legend lives on (the damn foolie)?
His legend was born
through crowbars and porn
forever known for use of toolies.
Daily Limerick 9/18/2000:
There once was a horny old goon
got laid once within a blue moon.
Scored on one lewd tactic
and so used a water balloon.
Daily Limerick 9/19/2000:
A man boffed a slut—did offend her
while amid a crass, raucous bender.
Woke in a strange place
with cum on his face
with a note say’n “Return to Sender.”
Daily Limerick 9/20/2000:
There once was a fellow quite grungy
craved an “X athlete” girl name of Spongey
By a bridge in town
lay nude on the ground
slid in on the end of her bungee.
Daily Limerick 9/21/2000:
A man used to play’n second fiddle
one day had to take a mad piddle—
to the “Girl’s Room” he ran
and caught lesbos, red hand!
And for once liked bein’ caught in the middle.
Daily Limerick 9/22/2000:
It’s time, once again, for Olympics
with ads each 5 minutes the clock ticks
and jocks built like droids
so pumped on steroids
you know damn well they’re sportin’ limp dicks.
Daily Limerick 9/23/2000:
A fat nymph who goes by Avalyn
Down Under, this moment is travelin’
with hard-nippled teats
for male athletes
in hopes one will throw her his javelin.
Daily Limerick 9/24/2000:
There once was a guy named D’Amato
doused his girl with juice of Tom-ah-to
then licked off the batch
when tasting her snatch
replied, “Well, this tastes like Clamato.”
Daily Limerick 9/25/2000:
There once was a girl from Oswego
in a love triangle tight as some Lego
for an Italian man
—they would fight o’er his hand—
screaming back and forth, “Lego my Dago!”
Daily Limerick 9/26/2000:
A fellow who was into jiving
was glad of Olympics arriving.
His friends asked this gent
“What is your event?”
and he’d reply, “’lympic muff divin’.”
Daily Limerick 9/27/2000:
There once was a fellow named Fiscuss
who hid in a field of hibiscus.
Watched track and field chicks
doin’ their jock tricks
and practiced his tossing of discus.
Daily Limerick 9/28/2000:
A game crazy Aussie named Supter
dreamed of a tall track chick (he’d thump her).
During her event
on the field, he went
stalked up to her and he high-jumped her.
Daily Limerick 9/29/2000:
A master player of ping pong
had dreams of the Olympic song.
Playing friends, one June
someone cued the tune
he played with one hand on his dong.
Daily Limerick 9/30/2000:
A perfect doll, pretty and marvy
had a drunken tryst with one Harvey
who’s short, ’twas a fact—
friends walked in on the act
and said, “look, a shrimp on the Barbie!”
Welcome to September, when college students return to school and hit the bongs... er, books. You’ll soon be reading the first DAILY LIMERICKS from a married Head Limericist (yeah, that’s the job title there). That’s right, on Aug. 26, our Head Limericist (damn, I love that term) got married! But, of course, this sets our ramshackle operation behind a little, with the honeymoon and all, and so you get a bunch of limericks ahead of time so... You won’t actually see the first “Married Limerick” until... well, let’s see, they’re written ahead of time and... well, sometime in early September! Maybe you can figure it out! Win a prize! Aw, whom I kidding. You aren’t even reading this.
In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks—a milestone I’ve already past! At this point, I’m not entirely sure why I’m continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop—so perhaps I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!
By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.
If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!
©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.
P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!
(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.