Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2000

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail service! (Now in it’s second year of “service”!) You’ll find a sample limerick below!

So you’ve spotted that guy or gal that’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly sooth the soul and part the thighs.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply as for it, you won’t receive more limericks! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

***

The DAILY LIMERICK is now in its second year of existence­—and many think it’s starting to show in the quality! Or is the drop in quality due to the fact that it’s Home Office has been in Hollywood for a while now? (Well, if it’s any consolation, we won’t be here for too much longer, so the limericks should be... slightly less lousy in the future.)

Anyway, I’m just supposed to be setting up a catch phrase here, and possibly to get you to read the text below the limerick (which DOES change every month), so: DAILY LIMERICK—You Deserve a Groan Today!

***

Daily Limerick 9/1/2000:

An avid oudoorsman named Larket

was told by his broker to “park it”

amid a date hike

when she said she’d like

to try her hand with the Cock Market.

Daily Limerick 9/2/2000:

A man, in three weeks fired twice

sought a cute job agent’s advice

he was asked by her

what jobs he’d prefer

he said, “blow or hand would be nice.”

Daily Limerick 9/3/2000:

There once was a man from Berlin

who’s fetish, well, never could win—

it ’twas coprophilia

which’d ruin the appeal-a

of his trademark “shit eatin’ grin.”

Daily Limerick 9/4/2000:

There once was a pervert named Sherm

who commenced into burpin’ the worm

at this babe’s Good Will station

she asked “What’s your donation?”

and he said he was donating sperm.

Daily Limerick 9/5/2000:

A porn actress out of Van Nuys

got dildos when she found great buys—

were write-offs, she found

when tax time came ’round

for they were her office (orifice?) supplies.

Daily Limerick 9/6/2000:

One day that most dames do remember

even after many a September

is that day, so grand

when held in their hand

for the first time a pulsating member.

Daily Limerick 9/7/2000:

There once was a milit’ry man

released from the force—how he ran!

To his girl—fast asleep—

she awoke, for to peep

him there with a discharge in hand.

Daily Limerick 9/8/2000:

A Cajun explorer named Spader

stumbled ’cross a reptile and stayr

a humpin’ a log

way out in a bog

and he dubbed him the Master Gator.

Daily Limerick 9/9/2000:

There once was a horny young Cajun

upon whom the Nielsons were gaugin’—

watched pay-per-view porn

all night and all morn

and Spice Channel’s ratings were ragin’.

Daily Limerick 9/10/2000:

There was a young lady named Tucker

for gators her lips’d always pucker

her face would turn reddish

when asked ’bout her fetish

while some simply called her Croc Sucker.

Daily Limerick 9/11/2000:

There once was a man named LeClaire

who liked his chicks smooth way down there.

He’d give his girl candies

the finest silk panties

of which the fronts were soaked in Nair.

Daily Limerick 9/12/2000:

There once was a pervert and bookie

who’d have sex in bathtubs of cookie.

And every loose dame

who played his sick game

remembered the choc’late chip nookie.

Daily Limerick 9/13/2000:

There once was a fellow named Noah

who needed no more than “Aloha”

to bed down hot chicks—

he needed no tricks—

word was he was hung like a boa.

Daily Limerick 9/14/2000:

There once was a fellow named Trent

who thought he’d quit titties for Lent

but at Mardi Gras

when off came a bra

right off of that planning he went.

Daily Limerick 9/15/2000:

There once was a girlie named Pam

who had such a fine set o’ gams

that when she’d walk by

every watching guy

would run away to slam the ham.

Daily Limerick 9/16/2000:

There once was a fellow named Thax

whose penis and tongue got the ax.

So the only way

for some kind of lay

was to enter chicks via fax.

Daily Limerick 9/17/2000:

Do you all recall Jeff Gilooly?

Whose legend lives on (the damn foolie)?

His legend was born

through crowbars and porn

forever known for use of toolies.

Daily Limerick 9/18/2000:

There once was a horny old goon

got laid once within a blue moon.

Scored on one lewd tactic

lacking prophylactic

and so used a water balloon.

Daily Limerick 9/19/2000:

A man boffed a slut—did offend her

while amid a crass, raucous bender.

Woke in a strange place

with cum on his face

with a note say’n “Return to Sender.”

Daily Limerick 9/20/2000:

There once was a fellow quite grungy

craved an “X athlete” girl name of Spongey

By a bridge in town

lay nude on the ground

slid in on the end of her bungee.

Daily Limerick 9/21/2000:

A man used to play’n second fiddle

one day had to take a mad piddle—

to the “Girl’s Room” he ran

and caught lesbos, red hand!

And for once liked bein’ caught in the middle.

Daily Limerick 9/22/2000:

It’s time, once again, for Olympics

with ads each 5 minutes the clock ticks

and jocks built like droids

so pumped on steroids

you know damn well they’re sportin’ limp dicks.

Daily Limerick 9/23/2000:

A fat nymph who goes by Avalyn

Down Under, this moment is travelin’

with hard-nippled teats

for male athletes

in hopes one will throw her his javelin.

Daily Limerick 9/24/2000:

There once was a guy named D’Amato

doused his girl with juice of Tom-ah-to

then licked off the batch

when tasting her snatch

replied, “Well, this tastes like Clamato.”

Daily Limerick 9/25/2000:

There once was a girl from Oswego

in a love triangle tight as some Lego

for an Italian man

—they would fight o’er his hand—

screaming back and forth, “Lego my Dago!”

Daily Limerick 9/26/2000:

A fellow who was into jiving

was glad of Olympics arriving.

His friends asked this gent

“What is your event?”

and he’d reply, “’lympic muff divin’.”

Daily Limerick 9/27/2000:

There once was a fellow named Fiscuss

who hid in a field of hibiscus.

Watched track and field chicks

doin’ their jock tricks

and practiced his tossing of discus.

Daily Limerick 9/28/2000:

A game crazy Aussie named Supter

dreamed of a tall track chick (he’d thump her).

During her event

on the field, he went

stalked up to her and he high-jumped her.

Daily Limerick 9/29/2000:

A master player of ping pong

had dreams of the Olympic song.

Playing friends, one June

someone cued the tune

he played with one hand on his dong.

Daily Limerick 9/30/2000:

A perfect doll, pretty and marvy

had a drunken tryst with one Harvey

who’s short, ’twas a fact—

friends walked in on the act

and said, “look, a shrimp on the Barbie!”

***

Welcome to September, when college students return to school and hit the bongs... er, books. You’ll soon be reading the first DAILY LIMERICKS from a married Head Limericist (yeah, that’s the job title there). That’s right, on Aug. 26, our Head Limericist (damn, I love that term) got married! But, of course, this sets our ramshackle operation behind a little, with the honeymoon and all, and so you get a bunch of limericks ahead of time so... You won’t actually see the first “Married Limerick” until... well, let’s see, they’re written ahead of time and... well, sometime in early September! Maybe you can figure it out! Win a prize! Aw, whom I kidding. You aren’t even reading this.

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks—a milestone I’ve already past! At this point, I’m not entirely sure why I’m continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop—so perhaps I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY limericks.

***

If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!

***

©1999, 2000 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.