Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2001

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's third year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also our new "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a lukewarm attempt at an e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2001:

Some wonder, why does Mr. K(laus)?

ride 'round in such a sporty sleigh?

Long past mid-life crisis

the elves it entices

and he often scores a young lay.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2001:

It seems there was some confusion over yesterday's rambling on celebrityhood.

First and foremost, as to my claim that, were I able to bang anybody I wanted, I would choose a non-celebrity, I didn't mean to lead-on that I COULD get laid in 10 minutes. Only that I could find somebody I'd really, really want to "do" in downtown Chicago, even more than any celebrity, nutrod women I'd want to "do," within 10 minutes.

Without a magic spell or something, an attempt to get laid would probably take, on average, a period of time that might best be counted in months. And that's with multiple attempts, with multiple women.

I'm not silly enough to think that I could just pick a woman and bed her down in 10 minutes. At least outside of a limericists convention.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2001:

There once was a fellow from Kent

whose cock was most certainly bent.

His lady, Bess Horner

would squat 'round the corner

ol' Kent Boy then came as she went.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2001:

I'd like to preface my ramblings for the day by stating that I do NOT support everything President Bush is doing, in the war on terrorism or, especially, in other matters of importance. I consider myself a radical moderate and I just thought I'd make this point because, due to my wholehearted support of the war effort, some might be led to believe that I'm a "conservative."

I consider myself more of a liberal than a conservative, if I really, really had to pick one, but I enjoy ripping on liberals who are so dogmatic that... Well, they have a lot in common with extreme conservatives they love to bash.

But I was reading about this panel at the Chicago Humanities Festival and... By the way, has anybody out there attended a "Humanities Festival"? Do you need to wear tweed to get into them?

But, they were, of course, ripping on everything Bush-related, as bashing the GOP is, I think, written into the mission statement on your handy-dandy "All Purpose Humanities Mission Statement" forms, available on college campuses nationwide. And, from reading about this event, it seemed that they touched on a bunch of good points. Questioning military tribunals. Questioning tax cuts for Big Business, so that they can, I guess, stimulate the economy by having their CEO's shopping more at Bloomingdale's and such since, really, a benefit for Big Business is really only going to affect the average worker in some opium-induced, Utopian dream-land hallucination.

But anyway, I digress. A bunch of Canadians and other foreigners were ripping into "U.S. Foreign Policy," which, if you've been following near-communist dissenters recently, is responsible for everything from the downturn in "reality TV" viewing to the starvation in Iraq (a power-mad dictator in a palace who doesn't mind his people dining on sand would have nothing to do with it, I guess).

One of these knuckleheads said, and another seconded, and a crowd of bonged-up, neo-hippies agreed, and I paraphrase, "U.S. policy is too focused on U.S. interests" and the war on terrorism is "really targeting U.S. enemies." This was intended as bitter criticism.

If I go out and buy a car, will somebody rip on me for focusing on my own interests? If a thief grabs my wallet and I chase after him, am I a bad person for going after "my enemy"?

Never underestimate the richness of Life's Grand Festival o' Morons.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/2/2001:

>You laid out your cards on the table -- said you could poker in 10 minutes,

>but then you couldn't keep a straight face, and flushed it all away!

>Somebody should deck you. And I had always thought you were a cut above the

>rest...

I admire your honesty. You call a spade "a spade."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2001:

A horny ol' lady named Mabel

had quite a fetish for Clark Gable.

Turned on AMC

and fingered freely

thanking God for two kinds of cable.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2001:

A while back, S&Y took a pot shot, of sorts, at the world of sports. We made fun of "fandome" saying, in a nutshell, that there was nothing wrong with being a "fair weather fan" arguing that sports, like any other product that sells merchandise and/or advertising revenue, should be expected to live up to certain standards as a product. Meaning that if a team is doing well, you should pay attention to them and if they suck--in the same manner as if the sandwiches at your corner diner start to suck--you should not give them your time and/or business.

This became the most heated topic of debate in S&Y history. Really. And for those of you who begged to differ on the topic, I'll reiterate that perhaps I don't "get" sports--but I'd also like to add that I'm now paying some attention to the Chicago Bears, which I haven't done in years, because they've finally got a "new and improved" product.

And I've recently expanded my theory. Granted, I do not fully "get" sports. Nonetheless, many of my friends are sports fan (some are close to obsessed) and I do respect the whole "everyman" quality of sports fandom, but I've come up with a rule to determine if you're just TOO into sports:

If you follow college sports.

Let's face it, college sports were ESPN2 long before the original ESPN was on the air. If you're not going to college, you shouldn't be watching second-rate athletics. If all the professional sports out there aren't enough to keep you busy in your free time, you just have too much free time and ought to get a hobby.

That's my new rule. We'll see how much more important this little topic is than all those silly wars and stuff.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/3/2001:

(The following letter includes some of my comments from yesterday's S&Y):

>>But I was reading about this panel at the Chicago Humanities Festival

>> >and... By the way, has anybody out there attended a ≥Humanities

>> >Festival≤? Do you need to wear tweed to get into them?

>

>Yeah, but that's a dishonest way of getting in. Con's way: Tweedy.

>

>>Never underestimate the richness of Lifeπs Grand Festival oπ Morons.

>

>Dude, how'd you get tickets? They've been sold out for months!

I guess I got tickets for being born.

And if you think that was a dishonest way of getting in, you'll believe anything. You're highly Mickey Gilley-ble.

:p

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2001:

A rough little girlie called "Red"

appeared as if already dead.

'Though she looked like hell

the guys found her swell

for she gave some top-notch grade head.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2001:

The Palestinians don't deserve a country.

There I said it.

Of course, I could go on and on with disclaimers. Explain how I mean "at this point in time" and also how it's not the fault of every individual Palestinian. But I think you know what I mean.

Obviously, I'm not the only one thinking it, or else they WOULD have a state right now.

Of course, the Israelis haven't been perfect regarding the whole situation. But rarely is there a situation like this where things fit perfectly into categories, where one side does everything just right and the other just does everything wrong. Doesn't happen.

And in some ways, it doesn't seem fair. Israel shoots some Palestinians (although it can quite persuasively be argued that these were "revenge killings" and I don't believe they assassinated and Ghandi impersonators, if you know what I mean), so Palestinians kill some Israelis (revenge killings for revenge killings, and on and on) and the Palestinians are punished. Of course, it's a little more complicated than that, but I'm giving the Palestinians a little more leeway than some in this paragraph.

But life isn't fair and, if nothing else, I can certainly label the violent Palestinians in this case as idiots, if nothing else. Israel HAS a state. It doesn't have to behave. Yes, that may not seem fair. And while I do believe that Israel has usually been provoked in one way or another into these killings, the situation remains: THEY have a state and YOU don't. Common sense would at least dictate that you knock off the suicide bombers and stuff, RIGHT NOW, considering that the U.S. has actually mentioned the idea of creating a Palestine for the first time recently--and then, for those Palestinians who appear to be addicted to blood, you can get on with your killing AFTER you have the state.

It's similar to the Taliban and extremist knuckleheads everywhere. They're really into killing people who don't see life like they do. These people don't want the U.S. out of the Mid-East--well, they do, but even if we did pull out, they'd continue committing acts of terror. Hell, even if the Taliban somehow managed to rule the world, the Taliban would then split into two factions, divided over the tilt of their turbans or something, who would kill each other ruthlessly.

Do something to seriously root these suicidal retards out of your ranks or screw you. No Palestine.

And with all the whiny boo-hoo crap about us "favoring Israel," well--you're damn right. They have basically a democratic, free society (imperfect, but mostly). What have you Palestinians planned?

Uh-huh. Thought so.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2001:

A fellow drank too much egg nog

and soon found his brain in a fog.

Then he started hittin'

on each nearby kitten

to tend to his honkin' egg log.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2001:

Some interesting facts I read the other day.

The typical conviction for general weapons charges lands one in jail for 48 months. The typical charge of international terrorism (outside military tribunals, of course) gets 10 months.

I didn't read the stats for child molestation but am certain that charge is closer to the international terrorism stat.

The typical drug charge gets you 45 months.

So, if you must commit a crime, have it be international terrorism or child molestation. Almost misdemeanors.

Snort some lines with friends peacefully, though, and we'll get tough on your ass.

Glad to see our priorities are straight.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2001:

A man with some fresh mistletoe

stuck it on his belt, down below.

A girl, without blunder

knew she should kiss under

and gave him one hell of a blow.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2001:

So I'm sure you've seen, read or heard about the American (more specifically, Californian) who got all into Islam, moved off to Pakistan and eventually ended up fighting for the Taliban.

His parents, of course, maintain that he's really a "good guy." He was "brainwashed." Have you ever heard the phrase, "Other than the fact that he's a Nazi..." or "Other than his position as Grand Wizard of the KKK... he's a good guy."

Uh-uh. Sorry. I'm generally very forgiving of people's foibles but, sorry, there's a limit.

Exactly how did they brainwash him into leaving America, crossing the border into a land run by a government that, quite frankly, is less advanced than some ape colonies, blowin' up buddhist statues and cracking down on dancing (did the Taliban see "Footloose," by any chance and just hopelessly root against Kevin Bacon?), and eventually joining the Taliban army (or whatever you call their band of non-merry missing links)? If he were kidnapped and dragged over there, that would make sense as a defense, but if you volunteer for the "brainwashing," I kinda think you should shoulder some of the blame, although I'm sure many lawyers would work up a drool arguing the opposite.

Brainwashing from a distance. A concept that's probably coming to a courtroom near you!...

...Jerry Bruckheimer announced (and I don't know if he called a press conference to do this or what) that the events of Sept. 11 create a "new demand" for his film, "Pearl Harbor," which is about to be released (or has already been released) on DVD.

Have to admit that he's right with that one. The events of Sept. 11 have apparently created for all sorts of stuff, from celebrity PR fests to commemorative junk coins to SUVs that increase our dependence on fascist regimes that feed the fires of terrorism, so I guess a horrible, movie-executive-created, shameless exploitation of an American tragedy has a new market as well.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/6/2001:

>Jeez, what's a matza with Jew tonight?

None of your bris-ness!

>What the hell are you doing up at this hour?  I thought I was the only idiot!

Oh no. In fact, if you've been following Slappin' & Yappin' at all, you should well know that you're FAR from being the only idiot.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2001:

A fellow with real hungry balls

met many fine chicks in the malls.

He'd bang 'em up quick--

a hump and a lick--

(could say he was dickin' the halls).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2001:

As today is Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, let me share my dream. A wish, from all of me, to all of you:

May Jerry Bruckheimer's name forever be dis-associated with this important day in American history.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2001:

There once was a fellow named Bryce

who thanked Santa--once, twice and thrice!

After Santa's rounds

that lucky Bryce found

his list of girls naughty and nice!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2001:

I don't mean to be Scrooge-like or Grinch-like (especially not Jim Caray Grinch-like; if I must, I'd pick the cartoon which left no reason to be messed with). But I don't understand these horse-drawn carriages on downtown Chicago streets.

(If you'll recall, when we last left our hero, he was driving his wife to and from work on a daily basis because he's collecting unemployment. And much of the reason our hero lives in the city is because he likes being able to read the paper while traveling instead of flushing time down the toilet, and taking an extra helping of stress, by driving around.)

Rush-hour traffic is too simple, I suppose. Let's toss the vehicle of choice from two centuries ago out on the road.

I'm all for romance and stuff. At least if it leads to sex. But what about the damn bike paths in the park for the carriages.

Let's just throw up a few pedestrian lanes for downtown! How romantic!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2001:

Go out to the country and play

take a Christmas ride in a sleigh.

It may sound pedantic

but since it's romantic

you might find it scores you a lay.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2001:

Now is the time to admit, fully and wholeheartedly, that I have become a News Nerd.

It started when, well, to be proper, I must go a long ways back. To high school and the Johnsburg Weekly News, for which I wrote a silly column and served as features editor.

In 1996, thanks to Ms. Karen Springen, my copy editing teacher and promoter of Current Events Quizzes, I began perusing the newspaper daily and have done it since (okay, I missed a day or two here and there, but probably less than a dozen days).

For a long time, however, I've prided myself on not being SUCH a News Nerd as many of my former classmates or colleagues. I've had a Society of Professional Journalist shirt that says, well, I can't seem to find it now, but something like "Top Ten Ways to Tell if You're A Journalist" or "You Know You're a Journalist When..." and it has stuff like, "You take your AP Style Book to church instead of a Bible, because you feel it's more accurate" and "All Drinking is Work Related."

Well, I'm starting to conform more and more to the shirt, after making fun of the stereotypes it embodies for so long. And it's because of the damn terrorist attacks and the war and such. I've had CNN or MSNBC or sometimes, for extra shits and giggles, even Fox News Channel on half the day lately.

But I've officially become a News Nerd. Just thought I'd let you know that.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2001:

If in your stocking you find coal

you might get to tour the North Pole.

If naughty, not nice

well, Santa likes spice

(he might ask to see your South Hole).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2001:

Steven Soderbergh, the guy responsible for the annoyance of "Ocean's Eleven" crap popping up everywhere but the kitchen sink (and perhaps they've thought of that in key locations as well), decided to change the name of one of his projects from "How to Survive a Hotel Room Fire" to "Full Frontal"... because of the events of Sept. 11.

Huh? What? Where?

When in doubt in Hollywood, dumb down.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2001:

Dear Santa, if I haven't blew it

this year I'd like Jenny Love Hewitt.

With little career

her job would be clear:

a mission of helpin' me spew it.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2001:

I'd like to talk/write to you today about a new marketing technique called "phenomenizing."

I read about the tactic concerning the old movie... Er, lazily remade movie, "Oceans Eleven." You've probably noticed some sort of ad for it somewhere and, if you're like me, if you swallow poison the billboards would now come in handy because they'll make you throw up on the spot.

This huge ad blitz, which includes 20 hours of advertising... Er, "coverage" on the Crap!, er E! Network (coincidentally mostly by Jules Asner, the girlfriend or is it wife of the film's director, Steven Soderberg), is "phenominizing"--that is, making something into a phenomenon rather than actually making a decent product that may be destined to become a phenomenon. (To add more icing to the Cake of Disturbing Trends, they're "phenomenizing" a re-make rather than anything actually new and original.)

Either way, this is an important test regarding my personal understanding of the world. The movie doesn't do so well, and I gain new hope for the human race and extra reason to believe in a God above. The movie does become a "phenomenon" and, well, there's more fuel to my partially-held belief that people are more-or-less sheep who walk on two legs.

My personal philosophy is inherently contradictory, as you can see.

******

ATTENTION: IMPORTANT SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' NEWS BELOW! (Read the last six short paragraphs at least, for the dirty bastards thinking of skipping today's installment!)

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2001:

For Christmas there'll be many toys

contributing to Yuletide joys.

But those in gay bars

thank their lucky stars

for gifts from the Lil' Hummer Boy.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2001:

One of the eternal, burning questions of civilized mankind has always been: Why do magazines come out so early?

I think the original reasoning behind it was to allow readers a chance to utilize the magazine for the month ahead. To read of the latest swimsuit fashions BEFORE June officially started, for instance, so that one could run out and get a hot, new bikini ahead of time. To read of turkey recipes and plan your dinner well before Thanksgiving. To read the holiday jokes so you'll be "in the spirit" ahead of the game, or so you can perhaps use the jokes at your holiday parties.

However, it has gotten rather silly. For instance, I received my January MAD Magazine well BEFORE even Christmas. So I get to read my favorite publication, which is good, but it's a tiny bit of a let-down because there is no holiday stuff and now we're in the holiday season--I'm, in a way, becoming psychologically "over" the holidays while I'm in the prime holiday period. (I don't mean to single MAD out on this matter--it's my only monthly subscription and thus the only example I can easily use. I understand that fashion magazines are even further ahead of the date to allow shoppers extra time to break their bank accounts for the latest cloths.)

You can also make a good argument for falsity in newspaper dating. When I pick up the December 12 Chicago Sun-Times, for instance, I'll really be reading about December 11 (with the possible exception of events in the very early hours on the 12th).

Which is all to say that the whole idea of "dating" publications is inherently subjective. Of course, you can always wait until after the New Year to read your January MAD. Likewise, you can wait until Christmas Eve to read the December MAD. And, although I have labeled the current situation "silly," it is certainly better to get the magazines early than to be stuck with your Holiday MAD when you're amid the post-Christmas let-down.

But alas, unlike many a Slappin' & Yappin', I am going somewhere with this. There are big plans for the New Year for Daily Limerick and all its spawn. We are now talking with another e-newsletter proprietor about "merging," so to speak. RELAX, it's not some giant corporation taking over, and you will still continue to receive this e-publication for free. The limericks, the S&Y and Letters to the Idiot will continue--there will just be MORE. Probably just another column, possibly more poetry and possibly even a section of puns. It will still be fairly short and to the point (usually) and the overall spirit will remain the same.

BUT, as part of this new arrangement, I'm probably going to change something that has remained the same throughout DL history (I'm not sure about REAL early on, though): You guessed it, the DATING procedure.

I've been thinking for some time about the fact that you receive, for instance, the December 12th edition on Dec. 11. For those on the West Coast, you sometimes receive this puppy REAL early. Not that you generally check in with the Daily Limerick as your first news source or anything but... Well, let me wallow in the silly self-importance! I've been a bit bothered by the whole idea for some time.

I've also come to be fond about the mostly defunct idea of the afternoon/evening newspaper. A lot of people are too rushed to read the paper over morning coffee, they mostly read it at lunch or after work. So I'll soon be at the point where you'll receive the Dec. 12 Daily Limerick SOMETIME on Dec. 12 (at least for the majority North American readership.)

In other words, the Daily Limerick is nearing a growth spurt and at some time in the near future, I'll probably just skip a day to "catch up" to the new "dating" system.

If you're looking for water cooler conversation, there ya' go.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2001:

Ol' Santa was hot for young Shelly

her rack made him yell out, "Whoa, Nelly!"

To check if they're real

told jokes, so she'd squeal

(they shook like a bowl full of jelly).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2001:

For most of my life, I've believed that, while evil will have its days in the spotlight, good will generally always triumph overall. And recently, I've settled back into that attitude.

Yup. The Sept. 11 stuff threw a monkey wrench in the old philosophy--but now it's back. And it's not some silly optimism I force myself to have, either. It's based on logic.

Our enemies are generally idiots.

Think about it. KKK members and such are generally drooling imbeciles. And some of the greatest domestic enemies of free speech (etc.) are so religiously fanatical that they are voluntarily ignorant. It's the nature of religious fundamentalists--religion has a natural hostility toward knowledge and the people whose lives are ruled by it are generally stupid people seeking simple answers. In other words, they don't read much other than their religious texts and that's all right by them, as they'd probably have trouble contemplating works like "Huck Finn" if they tried.

This theory has been confirmed for me at many points. As but one example, terrorists fucked up the 1993 WTC bombing because they were too stupid to properly handle explosives in the underground parking area.

After Sept. 11, with the--and I hate to call it this--seemingly ingenious flying of planes with extra fuel into the Twin Towers, my faith in the stupidity of the enemy took a hit. And, well, the leaders of these armies of morons ARE generally pretty intelligent. But still, it's taken me a bit, but now I realize that even THIS enemy is, well, overwhelmingly caveman-like in the ol' cranium.

According the infamous "tape," in which dim Laden laughs about the WTC attacks, he didn't know the buildings would collapse. Does his brand of Idiot Islam forbid checking scientific data, formulas, etc.? He also laughs that many of the hijackers didn't know they were dying--basically admitting that his terrorist networks thrives on the grunt work of idiots.

And all of these terrorists planning crap in the U.S.? Specifically asking for flight lessons where there's "no need to learn how to land or take off."

Yes, the world is a scarier place. And I'm sure that more horror awaits.

But I stand firm in my belief that good will overcome. Thanks in large part to the stupidity of our enemies.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2001:

On Christmas, a lonely young slacker

took home a whore, for to fudge-pack her.

He forgot the lube

so she gave the rube

a performance of her nut-cracker.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2001:

I just read that England's Royal Family recently made it "allowable" for royals to have jobs.

This would seem to be a good thing, I suppose. It'd be nice to see these boneheads actually DOING something for money, although they already have the money and the jobs just give them extra.

I have a hard time believing that, in the year 2001, we celebrate monarchies--and give the knuckleheads money, to boot, making the Royal Family England's biggest welfare recipients. It's basically a long-standing tribute to the ultimate in nepotism.

Also disturbing is the fact that, for centuries, the royals simply weren't ALLOWED to actually do something worthwhile. I'm not sure how this works, as Sarah Ferguson is shilling for Weight Watchers or whatever, but I'm unclear of exactly how she's a royal (birth or marriage) and... Well, I just care too little to even investigate.

But, at the same time I read of the new "allowability" of jobs for royals, I read that Prince Edward, and his similarly inbred wife Sophie, tried the new "job thing" out and decided to knock it off--too busy posing for tabloids and playing Nintendo, evidently.

If the U.K. went ahead and ceased the official royal worship, how long do you think it'd take before they were all employed in fast food?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2001:

Alone, Santa scanned his bookshelf

cried out for Ms. Claus, or an elf.

Quite bored and alone

he let out a groan

passed time by playing with himself.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2001:

One would think that the recently released bin Laden tapes would shut everybody up who was nutty enough to claim that he wasn't responsible.

Nope. Not some of the Prime Muslim Knuckleheads.

I could understand some of these walking pieces of filth saying, "Hold on! We'd like to put our own translator on the tape and not make any judgments until then." But these shitheads are actually saying the tape was "falsified," or some such crap.

This is religion. This is one's brain on too much religion. Any questions?

It's not the fact that they're Muslim--these morons ironically share a lot with fundamentalist Christians, Jews, Hare Krishnas--what have you. They blindly follow books and stuff, ages old and ridiculously irrelevant, curiously written in HUMAN languages with no real record of where they came from, somehow never having learned the credo "don't believe everything you read/hear," all the while representing the exact opposite of human progress and the gradual forming of a better world.

You can't prove that the sky is blue to these Human Rectums. Logic means nothing.

So we shouldn't worry about the opinions of idiots. And we should take stock in the fact that, and I know I've recently just written about this, our enemies are at a disadvantage simply because they're so butt stupid.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/15/2001:

Nutley here was kind enough to include my comment from yesterday's edition before his own:

>>If the U.K. went ahead and ceased the official royal worship, how long >do

>>you think it'd take before they were all employed in fast food?

>It would surely give new meaning to the phrase "Burger King"!

And "Dairy Queen."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2001:

Santa, o'er his three-season pause

was seen wearing bandage and gauze.

All because his poor back

suffered kinky attack

from the hands bearing Ms. Santa's Claws.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2001:

Yahoos from the right and the left are blathering on about how drugs fund terrorists and thus we need to step up the oh-so-successful Drug War.

Hmm. Let's think. We made alcohol illegal and we then made it legal again because its illegal status helped raise funds for organized crime and our streets were besieged with an increase in violence.

We've made non-alcoholic drugs illegal, it's funding organized crime (and terrorists) and our streets are besieged by an increase in violence.

So, what is the logical thing to do?

Apparently, continue with the oh-so-successful Drug War.

That oughta solve everything, right?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/16/2001:

I'm including the text that today's Featured Letter to the Idiot Writer did in his reply, for clarity purpose (and a teary eyed, nostalgic effect for the good old days of yesterday, literally):

>>>If the U.K. went ahead and ceased the official royal worship, how

>>>long do you think it'd take before they were all employed in fast

>>>food?

>>>

>>>It would surely give new meaning to the phrase "Burger King"!

>>

>>And "Dairy Queen."

>

>Let's be happy that the U.S. wasn't founded by fast food people. Then it

>would be Wendy's Pluribus Unum.

That last pun was frighteningly, horribly bad. I know that most of our puns are bad but I must give you credit because that one... I don't know. It may be Undead or something, it's so horribly bad that it is taking on God-like qualities (kinda like a Sauron or something).

Or perhaps this pun will just flounder away, like a Whaler on the beach.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2001:

On Christmas Eve, while I was sleepin'

my Twelve Days of Christmas was cheapened.

Seems the Ladies Dancing

caused massive de-pantsing

among the horned-up Lords a' Leapin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2001:

Today, we feature another edition of...

GOOD NEWS! (Or whatever I once called this, as my attempt at a beloved, long-standing, semi-regular feature--which, consequently, nobody paid attention to.)

It seems that several of the companies who helped establish the oh-so-beautifying trend of naming historic stadiums after cheezy companies is in trouble. Including Enron.

Also, in addition to the previous reported refusal of the Denver Post refusing to call Mile High Stadium by the name, "Invesco Field," some naming evil-doers have decided to stop sponsoring such names even though they haven't gone bankrupt. One example concerns the "3Com Stadium," or whatever it's called, which led fans to continue calling in "The Stick."

Hurrah.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2001:

A fellow known as the Town Crier

would gossip of secrets most dire.

At a Christmas party

someone yelled, "Hey, Smartie!"

and roast his chestnuts on the fire.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2001:

Got a few things to touch on today, considering there's an upswing in the world's stupidity as of late and I don't want to let some of these things lose their timeliness:

A recent study found that certain drugs prescribed to aid "recovering" alcoholics actually have no effect of merit. Using a drug to stop using a drug? Wonder why that didn't work out so well...

Congress passed yet another complicated education bill, complete with all sorts of red tape and confusion. This is part of the job for politicians: Looking like you're doing something. Until the tax base for schools is changed to be state-wide (as opposed to local, so that poor communities dole-out crappy education and things never change for the status quo), look forward to more posturing and complicated education overhauls on an annual basis...

Notice all the Palestinian suicide bombers who blow themselves up but don't manage to kill anybody else? A brief reminder of my optimistic theory that good will always triumph, as evil is so damn fucking stupid...

Some GOOD NEWS: St. Louis ABC affiliate KDNL-TV has stopped producing a local newscast--and let's hope it's a trend. We have cable news now and, as always, considering we still have newspapers, local TV news is really only for people who want to garner the ILLUSION that they're informed. Unless, of course, they're shooting to be well-informed on consumer report scare tactics, celebrity drivel and high-profile, Ramsey-esque murder cases...

The newly appointed interim Afghan leader, Hamid Karzai, is telling the U.S. to "butt out" and let them deal with the new government. Considering the situation you guys got yourselves into, that's a little like letting children put together the school lunch menu (not to mention you wouldn't HAVE a new government if it weren't for us)...

I've read a few political analysts who are afraid of getting rid of Yassir Arafat, claiming there is no moderate Palestinian leader to replace him. That seems to be THEIR problem. No acceptable leader, no land...

That's all folks, for today.

******

ATTENTION: This edition reflects the new "dating" method of Daily Limerick. For the 99.9 percent of you who haven't been following Slappin' and Yappin', this edition is NOT late--I announced a while back that at some point I'd skip a day so you could get the Dec. 19, 2001 Daily Limerick on Dec. 19, 2001 (instead of on Dec. 18, as was the previous schedule). ENJOY.

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2001:

An elf planned sleigh riding and singing

with nympho elf girls he was bringing.

But soon afterward

his loud groans were heard

as his sleigh balls continued ringing.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2001:

Here's more SNIPPETS I'M FIRING OFF WHILE THEY'RE STILL TIMELY:

Concerning all the ego-masturbatory, self-celebratory Hollywood awards shows, why is "Sex in the City" always classified as a comedy? If that's comedy, then I guess "Scrubs" is a Western...

I'm not doing this ellipses thing, by the way, as some sort of Larry King Tribute, although there are a pathetic number of journalists STILL doing Larry King parodies...

Will all the idiot talk about how drugs are financing terrorists (when it's actually the WAR ON DRUGS that's financing them), why aren't more people mentioning our SUV addiction as fueling the terrorists? If the cost of gas had risen over the years as much as something unimportant like, say, a college education, there would be riots in the streets...

I saw an announcement on Cartoon Network (I think?) for the "Tom and Jerry Kids Show," meaning kinder, gentler Tom & Jerry. Keep those mergers comin'!...

The Chicago Sun-Times has been doing a continuing series on elder abuse and it kicked off with something that happened to former Chicago mayor Eugene Sawyer. Problem is, it's hard to tell whether Sawyer was targeted because he's elderly, or because of his noted stupidity long before he became a senior...

Concerning the scandal involving that O'Leary character falsifying his resume to coach at Notre Dame, I've seen some commentators worrying about whether this will tarnish college football's image. Oh, sure, NOW is a great time to start worrying about that...

The networks are suing certain new technological companies, like whoever makes TiVo, because they're endangering their advertising revenue. Their arguments, on track toward re-naming our first 10 Amendments as "The Corporate Bill of Rights," are amusing, despite their utterly horrifying nature...

And I'll end with an installment of GOOD NEWS. Enron and many other companies have went bankrupt. Now, that's a bad thing when you think about all the workers and stuff involved, but a very good thing when its considered that MANY OF THESE COMPANIES ATTACHED THEIR CHEEZY NAMES TO SPORTS STADIUMS! Corporations are re-thinking this cultural rape, it seems, especially after publications like the Denver Post refused to use the new corporate name and fans, like those in San Francisco, insist on continuing to use the old name.

There's nothing like Hope for the Holidays!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2001:

A lass peered inside of her stocking

and started complaining and mocking.

Her man threw her down

and canceled her frown

by giving the gift of a cocking.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2001:

Further evidence that the world (and especially the U.S.) is in the process of Pussification:

The recent prevalence of spas advertising the "Sports Pedicure."

This is, well, a girlie pedicure for men. And although I heard the term a long time ago (and though, "This'll never fly," its proliferation in ads indicates that men are indeed getting them.

Once again: I cannot make the rules for all men. If you're gay, I have no say in what you can and can't do. If you happened to land a job as a male foot model, or your feet are so bad that you can hardly walk, I can let you slide on this one, otherwise...

NO MAN SHOULD BE GETTING A "PEDICURE." I don't care if it's a "Sports" pedicure, or if you call it a "Warrior Pedicure," or whatever the hell. Let's be men here, men.

And what's the deal with the term "sports" being used to make things cool. We also have the "Sports Utility Vehicle." Sorry, most of the people who drive these things would get winded at bowling. Not to mention the fact I've never actually seen one of the things used to "Cart a lot of kids and a dog around." It's always some single, trendy, bad-driving asswipe driving them. "Sports," I guess, makes the idiot consumer feel "active." Yeah, right. Drive, sit at a desk, drive home, change channels. Real sporty.

Don't get me started on SUVs.

Oh, man! I've not only used "what's the deal with..." but also "don't get me started." This rant is degenerating into a bad comic's spiel.

So I guess that means I'm done for today. Where did I go wrong...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/20/2001:

>If by Tom and Jerry's Kids Show, you mean Tom and Jerry Kids, that show was

>on the air a few years ago (Fox, I think). It wasn't any worse than the last

>few years of the original Tom and Jerry, where Tom goes "mrow, mrow, ftt,

>ftt" at the beginning of every goddamn episode, but it was still pretty

>atrocious. (and this comes from someone who likes A Pup Named Scooby-Doo

>more than the original version these days)

>Me

Oh, I realize that this stuff goes on. I should just get over it. Thought I'd bring you a little Holiday Disgruntlement to help you all along. But thanks for writing, Me... Me?... Wait a minute. I don't remember writing this. Too much egg nog...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2001:

The strippers give those who are needing

a stimulus for their self-beatings.

As Christmas is near

wish them some good cheer

for they provide good Sleazin's Greetings.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2001:

Here is my best literary translation of a "Spoken Headline" for a feature on MSNBC:

"America at War with Lester Holt."

I think they meant, "America at War-with Lester Holt." Or something.

But nonetheless, if we're at war with Lester Holt, I fully support that effort. The terrorist, broadcasting bastard.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2001:

While your Christmas gifts you are guessing

they say that you should count your blessings.

And many a dude

is sure to include

the past year's tally of undressings.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2001:

Here's another S&Y RUSH TO KEEP TIMELY ON WORLDLY STUPIDITY:

VH-1 actually made a full movie of, "The MC Hammer Story." They ought to change the name of the station to, "16th Minute"...

Something I actually heard being used as a selling point for a cellular phone package: "Now, the office goes wherever YOU go." Stop and consider that for a second. That's precisely WHY I've resisted getting a cellular phone for all this time. But if that's a selling point to you, perhaps stress counseling is in order...

John Walker, the... Er, well, frightening individual you probably know much about, is going to be charged with "providing material support to a terrorist organization." The maximum penalty is 10 years in prison. In other words, according to our criminal justice system, aiding terrorists is far less serious than listening to tunes and blowing a fat bag of hooch...

I recently read an accounting of the World Trade Center collapses--you know, a minute by minute thing, with a diagram of who was on what floor and who survived where. In general, most everybody survived on the floors UNDER where the planes hit. This was especially true in the second tower to be hit, because, of course, they had more time. But in this accounting, there was the story of one guy in the second tower on the fifty-somethingth floor (well under where the plane hit) who, after the first tower was hit, CONTINUED TO WORK and, well, died. I suppose he was certainly the type to see a positive in the cell phone commercial mentioned above...

I don't follow sports all that closely, but I do like hockey quite a bit and saw a photo in the paper the other day of the GOALIES (respectively of the Ottawa Senators and the L.A. Kings) fighting. You don't see that a lot, even in hockey. But I found it delightful and thought I'd pass it along.

Happy Christmas Eve Eve Eve!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2001:

A hot girlie named Annie Pringle

sat upon the lap of Kris Kringle.

She gave him a wink

and ground on his dink

and from his lap came quite a tingle.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2001:

There is a young girlie named Ginny

who this year committed much sin-ny.

When Santa comes 'round

the two will be found

with him going into her chimney.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2001:

It's Christmas, so open so gifts

(don't give Peace on Earth the short shift).

But give life your most

and bang someone close

again and again--why, in shifts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23-25/2001:

First of all...

MERRY CHRISTMAS! (Or whatever you may celebrate.)

But, of course, stupidity does not take a holiday, so...

Just so some sort of E! Celebrity Ass Kissing show on Alyssa Milano. It appears that, after stills from a movie in which she did a nude scene appeared on the Internet, she founded an organization, with her mother, to help celebrities in protecting their identities. Now, some celebrities take on causes like starving children, freedom for Tibet or the banning of land mines, so it's good to see somebody helping those who REALLY need it: Filthy rich celebrities who took off their clothes for money and are now whining about it. (P.S., Ms. Milano: If it weren't for those nude pictures, your 15 minutes would already be up)...

Getting back to Christmas Cheer, the American Dietetic Association is recommending NOT to serve Santa cookies and milk. Well, milk's okay, but make it skim--and give him crackers and veggies. Sounds like a great excuse for coal in the old stocking.

Again, try to ignore knuckleheads like those at the ADA and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2001:

A mariachi named Horatio

had a large mustache-to-head ratio.

His band thought him fickle--

but since it did tickle--

they kept him around for felatio.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2001:

Now this installment is downright silly. I'm admitting it ahead of time.

First off, there's been a lot of discussion lately about drugs financing terrorists. Which, of course, is the fault of the War on Drugs and... Oops! No need to go there right now. But, granted, many people believe that the drug trade is funding terrorism.

With this in mind, realize that the sole person currently facing criminal charges bears the last named, "Moussaui" (sic?).

So, perhaps somebody right now is lighting up some primo "Moussaui Wowie."

He hee.

Dumb, but it amused me.

What else did you expect for the first edition after Christmas?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2001:

A girlie was so freakin' stacked

gave a killer hard on to Jack.

It took so much blood

he fell with a thud

could say he had a Hard Attack.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2001:

I just read today about a Ramones tribute album in the works, featuring all sorts of performers, including Pearl Jam (or at least Eddie Vedder).

I found it interesting that Green Day and Offspring will be featured on this project.

Let's see: The Ramones are known as seminal artists in the punk rock movement--you know, anti-establishment, a focus on energy and message over image, etc. So they haul in Green Day and Offspring, I guess, to celebrate how punk's grown over the years into a commercialized, "alternative"-because-its-marketed-as-such, MTV-stroke-off genre.

Makes perfect sense.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/27/2001:

>Better than lighting up some Crappy Slappy, I suppose. Or reading it. :)

>Just kidding, John. Your column hasn't gone to pot.

That was a good, clean pun. Nice and spliffy.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2001:

I once knew a dame named McGuddy

who was quite a lame fuddy-duddy.

But I had big plans

for her lovely cans

(us three soon became bosom buddies).

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2001:

There once was a fellow named Hoover

who told his date, glutt'ny'd behoove her.

She started to choke

but bein' a rude bloke

he gave her the Hymen Maneuver.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2001:

A perky young girl had much beer

and took home a guy named Amir.

He was a valet

so during the lay

she said, "Please park it in the rear."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2001:

A man from an island Aleutian

found a fresh New Year's Eve solution.

He resolved to cum

more next year--plus some!

(Could say 'twas New Year's Jizz-olution.)

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed, twice! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

If you want to be on John Biederman's, or Theater of the Droll's, e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles or elsewhere), let me know!

***

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