Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2001

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here’s a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it’s second year of “service”!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE—THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You’ll find a sample limerick below as well as “Slappin’ and Yappin’,” our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There’s also our new “Letters to the Idiot” section! That’s right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a lukewarm attempt at an e-newsletter!

So you’ve spotted that guy or gal who’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn’t work, some quotes from “Slappin’ and Yappin’” will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and “Slappin’ and Yappin’”—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin’ and Yappin’ delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won’t receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

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Daily Limerick 5/1/2001:

A butt-naive virgin named Dotty

fell for an Italian-born hottie.

He got her to taste

the meat ’neath his waist

by telling her it was biscotti.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/1/2001

Just an update on our ongoing investigation into the evil that is “Love Is...”:

“Love is...” recently advocated keeping in touch with your lover via cell phone when you’re apart.

To recap, “Love is...” has also recently advocated such horrifying activity as karaoke singing and roller-blading.

This is all since the hippie woman who created the cartoon died and her evil, ax-wielding son took the reins.

It must be stopped.

******

Daily Limerick 5/2/2001:

A strange little fellow from Guam

found women’s bowel movements The Bomb

he’d hide in their toilet

(they’re knowing would spoil it)

guess you’d call him a Pooping Tom.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/2/2001

I read in the newspaper today that McDonald’s is opening its first “McDonald’s Cafe” in downtown Chicago, and they’re expected to crop up across the country (and the world... and soon after, the moon...) if all goes well. It’s scheduled to serve snooty coffees and lattes and all that.

I’m a little pessimistic toward their endeavor. And also, a little surprised that this made the news.

I thought there already was a McDonald’s version of the coffee house? It’s called Starbucks.

******

Daily Limerick 5/3/2001:

A fellow named Vito Marconi

made sweet love to a warm Zambonie.

Not unpleasant but

it blew out his nut

though nicely shined up his balonie.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/3/2001

Continuing with our massive investigation into the abomination known as “Love is...”:

Today’s cartoon advocates “Love is . . . On the Web.”

I really mean it now. This must be stopped.

******

Daily Limerick 5/4/2001:

A pharoah did level a writ

for young girls whose breasts wouldn’t fit

within ones hands’ palms

to offer him “alms”:

Was known through the land as King Tit.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/4/2001

I heard on some sort of VH-1 (or MTV, potato, potahto) show recently that “Political Correctness is over.” It was some sort of hype, obviously, to make today’s music seem much more exciting than it is. But I briefly thought, “Hmm. Maybe I’ll pay closer attention and give them the benefit of the doubt.”

Then I read about protesters at Chicago’s Leo Burnett ad agency protesting the Marlboro Man because he “markets to children.”

Okay, the cartoony Joe Camel did but...

Are all the homeless saved at this point? No more poverty in the world that people can take a day off work (oops--that’s right, they’re probably unemployed), spend valuable, currently lacking protest hours on THIS?

Marlboro Man? Marketing to children? So what exactly DOESN’T market to children then? How about if the Marlboro Man would be eating broccoli in all the ads? Would that do it?

******

Daily Limerick 5/5/2001:

A downtrodden, poor old albino

became an adventurous wino.

Went on a safari

wearing but a sari

and, bingeing, was boffed by a rhino.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/5/2001

So Hollywood is freaking out because the writers are about to go on strike.

What’s the big deal? Considering that most of the shows and movies are either imported—Millionaire, Survivor, Weakest Link, “The Visitors”—or remakes— “Planet of the Apes, etc.”—or require the writing talents of the common onion—Crocodile Dundee, “Yes Dear”—I don’t think we need to worry until the European writers, dead writers, and everything as intelligent as an onion goes on strike.

******

Daily Limerick 5/6/2001:

An absent-minded lucky chap

had a hot dame jump in his lap.

A tear hit his eye

(left open his fly)

he winced through the penis fly trap.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/6/2001

Isn’t it funny how we have all these “Shock” comedians and “Shock” “Artists” at a point in time where society has basically become unshockable?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/6/2001

In response to the 5/4 tangent about the Marlbo Man now being “marketing to children,” and political correctness in particular (and considering VH-1, or is it MTV, now says “political correctness is dead,” in an effort to make their industry seem more controversial):

>What is this? One of those unsubtle, hypocritical truth.com spots? They

>market to children, too! And cartoons! They're marketed to adults! And

>children! And anyone who owns a TV! And anyone who passes by a TV when it's

>turned on! Political correctness is over? Then why is poseur-supreme Eminem

>pressing every hot button *except* that of race in his lyrics -- sure, he

>can talk about raping his mom, but he can't say "nigger," because he'd lose

>loads of cash and incur REAL wrath (it's more social acceptable to be

>homophobic). It's all so calculated bullshit. Signed, The Bitter Pill

I must say, off the bat, that I am not necessarily a fan of big tobacco. And although I quit smoking cigarettes some years ago, I still do smoke cigars, so perhaps I’m a little more pissed off about these things than the average person. But don’t the Budweiser frogs kinda “market to children,” too? It’s just that the alcohol lobby is much more powerful, and alcohol has more proponents than tobacco today, because if you add up car accidents and suicides, alcohol is a killer quite on par with tobacco.

So all the lawsuits drive up the prices for the “victims” and who benefits. Lawyers. Friends of politicians who make the stupid PSA’s and crap, which are all serving to increase youth smoking rates because smoking is now TWICE as rebellious.

It’s just frightening because the war on ILLEGAL drugs is such a colossal failure and now we’re starting these wars on legal drugs.

I don’t drink anymore, but I get pissed off when somebody gets all rowdy at a baseball game and they talk of banning liquor sales, or curtailing them, when 99% of the people drinking beer at the game didn’t start a fight with on-field players.

Then there’s the tendency now of society (led by lawyers) to blame everybody but the individual for everybody’s problems. When the first caveman brought the campfire into a cave, mankind knew that smoke inhalation was bad for them. And people have died of liquor poisoning since the beginning of time... Hmm. I wonder why there aren’t more prosecutions of alcohol companies for deaths? I mean, who would ever think a beverage that makes it difficult for you to walk could cause car accidents! It’s not their fault! They were manipulated by all those funny “Tastes Great, Less Filling” commercials!... Hmm, can you say BIG TIME CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS?

******

Daily Limerick 5/7/2001:

A man with a talented Wookie

taught it to do tricks for a cookie.

Most tricks caused no harm

but some caused alarm:

those done during his owner’s nookie.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/7/2001

You know how on public transportation there are certain seats reserved for the elderly and/or handicapped? That is, people are supposed to (but rarely do) give up their seats for such people.

Well, that’s all fine and good, but I think a third category should follow those two: People doing something, like reading the paper. (I think people using cell phones should just automatically have to stand, even if the bus is empty.)

You see, I get on the train in the morning and I’m trying to read the newspaper, but sometimes it’s crowded and I almost lose my balance. And then I look at some idiot just sitting there, staring off into space.

That idiot should be forced to stand up so I can sit. After all, it’s folks like me who pay attention to the world and actually vote and stuff. If it weren’t for folks like me, he’d be living under a fascist government or something now, thanks to his type.

Oh, I suppose I’m over-generalizing. Perhaps that schlub goes home and reads all the news via the Internet and then fires off letters each day to all his constituents.

But he’s certainly not doing any of us any good sitting there staring into space.

So, get up out of your bus or train seat for somebody who wants to enrich their minds. Okay, it’s optional if you catch them reading the newspaper’s celebrity gossip columnist.

******

Daily Limerick 5/8/2001:

Porn made one man’s toes always curled

and his sleazy vision unfurled

of X-rated palace

and magical phallus

he opened the Walt Jizzney World.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/8/2001

A lesson in why we must end “Celebrity as We Know it”:

I saw “Meet the Parents” this weekend, and it was educational. I’m talking of the newer version.

I saw the original years ago at a fine little Chicago theater known as the Music Box. It was one of the funniest movies I ever saw. As I recall, only one character was really developed, and even he (the guy meeting the parents) wasn’t especially fleshed out, because it wasn’t necessary. The story made the movie. We can all understand the nervous feeling that surrounds meeting a boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever’s parents. There’s no need to do much beyond that.

Now, the new version... Well,  it wasn’t bad. It was even kinda funny. But there were about a quarter of the original jokes. Why? Well, in order to get a Robert DeNiro (who, as far as I’m concerned, added nothing) they had to flesh the hell out of the dad character. Likewise, with the girlfriend character (whoever she was--I think she’s celebrity material). And Hollywood has to waste 20-30 minutes on setting up the premise, although it worked fine in the original movie with 5 minutes of words in the car about the going to see the parents (as I said, we can all conjure the setting up quite easily).

So, as we near the summer movie season, keep this in mind. Avoid the big celebrities. They’re not gonna starve anyway. See the smallest movies you can. Hell, maybe even take in a play.

******

Daily Limerick 5/9/2001:

A porn maker named Billy Bittle

was perverted more than a little.

His first porn occurin’

was “The Shroud of Urine”

the second, “Malcom in the Piddle.”

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/9/2001

I read today about how the Cartoon Network (an arm of the Mighty AOL Time-Warner) has decided to omit 6 (or is it 12?) Bugs Bunny cartoons from it’s upcoming marathon running of all episodes.

Why? Need you ask? They’re “inappropriate” (that is, not politically correct—oh, I forgot! VH-1 and MTV declared political correctness “history”).

Some of the episodes would come across as a little brash today. There’s one with Hitler involved (although I’ve seen it and the Loony Tunes folks slap Adolph around a bit). Another “negatively” portraying an Aborigine, another negatively portraying the Japanese around World War II time...

You know, why even comment? The situation comments upon itself.

Funny how when, for example, the Chicago Bears play the Green Bay Packers and words like “cheesehead” are bandied about, and that’s okay. But when our team is our Army and the enemy is bent on killing us all, making fun is suddenly wrong. Even when the stuff is, what, 50 years old?

Sure. I’m going to watch such a cartoon and, before you know it, I’ll be out shooting Japanese babies and women. But I’m sure a bunch of KKK members will turn in their hoods after not seeing those cartoons.

Thanks, AOL Time-Warner.

******

Daily Limerick 5/10/2001:

A female cross-dresser in Dallas

tried raping girls, chock full of malice.

They all did escape

and none could charge rape:

They couldn’t prove Actual Phallus.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/10/2001

Saw some student protestors today. In one way, it’s good, because you don’t see that a lot anymore. In another way...

Well, they were morons. Or perhaps worse. You know, according to the dictionary (at least mine), a moron is smarter than an imbecile. An idiot is the most stupid of all.

Perhaps they were lower than morons.

Anyway, they were liberal protesters, or at least that’s what they’re going for. (There’s some law that student protesters have to be liberal, I think.) But, as further proof that “liberal” and “conservative” don’t mean a hell of a lot anymore, here’s what one of their signs said:

“Sorry we elected Bush, China.”

Ah. So it’s liberal to defend a country now with one of the worst human rights issues around, one that routinely tramples free speech, one that forces abortions.

Yo, liberal student protestors! I said ABORTIONS! No, no no: It’s not “abortion=good.” I don’t mean they simply allow abortions, I mean they force them on women. Kinda how you’re supposed to complain about freedom over your reproductive system, only in the opposite way of how it goes in the U.S.?

Oh, and by the way, chowderheads. Do you know who originally decided to cozy up to China. Richard Nixon! Who, you ask? Oh, some flaming liberal, leftist, near-Marxist....

I guess because Bill Clinton also cozied up to Red China (for the same reasons Nixon did: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$), that makes it liberal.

I’m starting to think that campaigns like MTV’s “Rock the Vote” aren’t such a good idea. If somebody’s not motivated enough to go and do it, if somebody isn’t paying attention after their installment of “Survivor” to the real world (no pun intended, although that show has one of the most misleading names in history), we’re better off that they don’t vote.

I’m starting my own campaign: If you’re a moron, stay home on Election Day!

Liberal, conservative, potato, potahto...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/10/2001

Blah

******

Daily Limerick 5/11/2001:

A witch group that worshiped sweet lovin’

for years let no men in the coven.

But for one suare

they went beyond gay

and found many buns in their oven.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/11/2001

Okay, first I’ll update you all on the previous reports concerning this modern-day atrocity:

“Love is...” was created as a rather sappy, yet harmless, hippy-esque cartoon sometime during that whole hippy thing. Over the past few years, the woman who created the strip died and the duties were taken over by her son.

The strip has since metamorphed into a propaganda machine so hideous it threatens all that is good and decent in the world; challenging the very essence of America, apple pie and porn! With nary a comment from the Mainstream Media. But DAILY LIMERICK was never afraid; DAILY LIMERICK did not back down. DAILY LIMERICK brings you THE TRUTH about “LOVE IS...”

First there was the strip celebrating “Roller Blading.” Hmm, thought our investigative team. Scary, but everybody has a bad day. THEN came it’s blatant support for KARAOKE SINGING! A collective raised eyebrow hit the newsroom. Then, as a sure sign “Love is...” currently readies for some apex of evil to inflict upon the world, within about a month... BAM! It advocates “Love is... The Web,” showing one of the lovers at a computer. Again, we were suspicious but... Could possibly let it slide. Then BAM! Love is advocates KEEPING IN TOUCH VIA CELL PHONES! Yellow alert! And just today BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! Blatantly stating its sinister purpose, spelling out what was feared in the recent Web-related strip... “Love is... CYBER DATING!”

RED ALERT, RED ALERT! Why won’t the President answer when DAILY LIMERICK calls?!

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

In fact, be more than afraid. Roll up in an embryonic ball and whimper and sweat in sheer, unadulterated TERROR.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/11/2001

>Heck, I'm ready to massacre whole armies of people simply because they WON'T

>show the cartoons. And how scary is it that this assumes that cartoons are

>much more important to our society than good parenting? Oh no! Bugs Bunny

>says "Nips"? Hide the children!

Nips? Bugs Bunny did PORN? Oh, “Nips,” I see...

(The Following is a reply from a new DAILY LIMERICK SUBSCRIBER—by the way, recruit some today!—who replied once before I warned her that any reply directly to this e-newsletter can be the property of LETTERS TO THE IDIOT:)

>Oh good so I can put my two cents in and comment?  Cool!

Yes. Put in two cents. Unlike the squirrely boy above, who, at most, throws in a hay penny.

***

******

Daily Limerick 5/12/2001:

Rich man got this bimbo a visa

took his trophy places like Pisa.

He made his big move

right there in the Louvre

created his own “Moanin’ Lisa.”

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/12/2001

A little Found Humor:

A Loan company in Chicago is running a service offering free tickets to Pantera to new customers.

Just what market are they going for?

Oh, and also... Aww, I won’t go into the content of “Love is...” today, but it seems the cartoonist is after me. He’s pushing his evil agenda the more I complain. Another computer related...

Okay, I won’t go there again. But is he somebody... ON THIS SUBSCRIPTION LIST! Come forth, ye scoundrel! Stop conspiring to drive me mad!

******

Daily Limerick 5/13/2001:

A randy young boy with no need

took some of that Horny Goat Weed.

Went crazed for sweet lovin’

boffed the toaster over

and burnt his sack spilling his seed.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/13/2001

Here’s a little tid-bit to help in your celebration of Mother’s Day:

An upper-crust Manhattan private school decided this year to stop officially celebrating Mother’s Day in any classwork or anyhow throughout the school because it might be offensive to children of same-sex parents who don’t have mothers.

I, for one, am now offended.

******

Daily Limerick 5/14/2001:

There was a weird cat from Wisconsin

who did a risque act in Bronson.

He’d swallow a bullet

drop his pants, and pull it

and shoot targets with his big Johnson.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/14/2001

A now it’s time for a “God Bless America” moment that hit me like... Well, like a hare-brained observation while I was reading the newspaper recently:

At least when we Americans get nuts and kill a bunch of people, it’s usually a good reason: To get back at school bullies, shoot up an evil, corporate back-stabbing office, or something like that.

Europeans do it over soccer.

******

Daily Limerick 5/15/2001:

A moronic, folk singin’ fella

ate out this young hooker named Stella.

But, ooh, Mama Mia!

She had gonnorhea

and now he just sings a clap-ella.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/15/2001

Now get this:

An Africa-American student at... Is it Southern Illinois University? Well, one of those downstate Illinois universities... This cat files charges against certain nightclubs that don’t allow people in who are wearing those big ol’ baggie pants, claiming that the policy is racist--that is, targeting minorities.

The nightclub owners claim the policy exists because people sneak in their own alcohol, etc., in those kind of pants, and also sneak out club property. (Ashtrays? Whatever...)

The policy is targeting minorities? Last I checked, that policy would be targeting buck-white suburbanites from highly affluent areas. Last time I hit a suburban Wal-Mart, I saw more baggy pants and cocked baseball caps, and heard more “street” lingo than you’d ever experience in Chicago’s Far West Side.

Far West Si-EEEi-De.

Ahem.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/15/2001

>This has absolutely nothing to do with yr lim'rick or Slappin' and Yappin'.

>I just wanted to say how cool it was to open the latest issue of Mad and see

>your Cable Betting Odds idea finally being used! So cool. It's almost as if

>you weren't in Chicago, but still in the swampy, smoggy, corrupt and

>beautiful mess where I still reside. :)

>

>(Top) hats off to ya!

>

>Mike

Obviously, that letter was not intended for the entire Daily Limerick audience, but I “printed” it for 3 reasons: 1) It reminds you all that if you reply directly to the DL, you send a Letter to the Idiot; 2) It reminds you all that you CAN send letters; and 3) I tells you all to pick up the newest edition of MAD to read my piece!

******

Daily Limerick 5/16/2001:

A fine stripper from New Orleans

was known as “The Gloria Jean’s.”

For each paying chap

she’d sit in his lap

and quite freshly grind up his beans.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/16/2001

Did you ever get the impression that science is close to the end of its rope?

I think it’s near. How near, I can’t tell you. But it’s obviously coming because now, as opposed to a long tradition of science making our lives easier, science is now, in some ways, decreasing our quality of life and, in most cases, bringing us things that are basically useless.

As far as harmful science is concerned, take the cellular phone. People will prattle on about how it could save a life or help out if your car breaks down but do you know anybody who’s found an occasion for such a use for their cell phone? No, I mostly know people who can now be bothered by their boss or whoever at any time of the day, no matter where they are.

What about those coffee makers with built in alarms? You still have to put in the grounds and the water, but it saves you the grueling task of pushing a button in the morning. And those push button car keys: Thank God we don’t have to wield those oh-so-heavy keys anymore! (Some will say they make it much easier, especially with kids, to lock all doors at once but... Have you looked around at people lately? Do we really need to eliminate routine types of exercise in our collective physical shape?)

The other day I had a can of Chunky Soup. New and improved because it now has a pull-top can. Well, the pull tab broke off, so I was foced to attempt to tap the lid with the end of a brush. Which, consequently, splattered me with split pea soup.

I was perfectly okay with the can-opener-requiring can.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/16/2001

Blah

******

Daily Limerick 5/17/2001:

Fam’ly flicks of Kitty Karbunkle

(their soundtrack: Simon & Garfunkel)

offer much instruction

in fam’ly dysfunction

she’s titled them, “Touched by an Uncle.”

***

Daily Limerick 5/18/2001:

A mad food geneticist, Enus

made a pepper of a strange genus.

Had sex in his lab

which turned out quite drab

for his son with the jalopenis.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/17/2001 and 5/18/2001

You’re gettin’ two for the price of one today. I have to head to some... Oh, it’s not too exciting, but from there I’m in this “Postmodern Vaudeville” show and...

I’ve been trying to decipher what the difference between Vaudeville and Burlesque is.

But that’s beside the point. It’ll be a rough schedule tomorrow so I’m sending two limericks at once.

Anyway, though, the other day an odd grocery store event occured. You now those “Good Shopper” cards, or whatever they call them, where you run them through and they give you extra savings and they capture your spending habits and spit out relevant coupons for your next visit?

I bought a rotisserie chicken and a couple of frozen pizzas.

Survey says...

A coupon for Monistat was spit out.

Make your own joke with that.

***

Daily Limerick 5/19/2001:

There once was a fellow named Franky

at a young age found hanky-panky.

He married a waitress

and pro dominatrix

and now he prefers hanky-spanky.

***

Daily Limerick 5/20/2001:

A young boy saw his first girl’s chest

and wanted someone to attest.

He took what he had

and showed it to dad

for we all know, father knows breast.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/19 and 5/20/2001

I’m sending two limericks today because tomorrow’s my birthday and I’m not doing limerick work tomorrow. It’s not that I don’t like limericizing but it seems I should do something different for my birthday, even though I’m not a big “Birthday, whoo-hoo!” kinda guy.

By the way, I’ll be 134, but I don’t feel a day older than 12.

And “limericizing” sounds like an interesting concept. Perhaps I can get some workout tapes going, a whole Suzanne Sommers-esque scam...

Oh, did you know that Britney Spears is either writing a novel or co-writing a novel (I forget which). Yes, once you become a celebrity, no matter how little thought or talent your celebrityhood entails (in this case, it’s a dancer and glorified karaoke singer), you have the right to be a celebrity in any other discipline of your choosing.

Well, here’s an excerpt from her novel.

“It was, like, the best of times. Totally. And it was like, ohmigod! Sooo the worst of times, too.”

That’s all I have for now. Sounds great!

******

Daily Limerick 5/21/2001:

A hot Roman peasant named Alice

on weekends, snuck into the Palace—

for a girl so pretty

an ancient Sin City

(she’d play the sluts at Caesar’s Phallus).

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/21/2001

It’s commonly pointed out that warlords are often men insecure about their phalluses (take Napoleon, for instance, who was rather short and... Well, if he’d a large phallus, he’d have went into some earlier precursor to the Porn Industry or something). They also say men buying large objects are also compensating for the groin goods--with sportscars and big, long yachts and stuff.

Although it probably means something different in their native langauge, isn’t it interesting that the nuclear missiles of the North Koreans are called “NoDong.”

Not kidding.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/21/2001

Responding to the gratuitous “It’s my birthday!” message in the 5/19&5/20/2001 Slappin’ and Yappin:

>In all honesty, I will say, have a happy birthday, ya son of a bitch.

>

>Drunk Guy Passing Out

Well, at least you were honest.

******

Daily Limerick 5/22/2001:

That old lady from Pasadena

was mostly religious and clean-a.

But weekends, her hood

was West Hollywood

(she’d deck out in leather as Zena).

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/22/2001

Ah, so this movie-making mega-conglomerate which is putting out “Pearl Harbor” is altering the trailers for the movie’s run in Japan. Now what kind of Mickey Mouse company is that...

Oh. It’s Disney. I guess they’re allowed to be all Mickey Mouse. Ahem...

(A DISCLAIMER: The events the movie is sort of dwelling around all occured 60 years ago and thus, most everybody involved is dead right now, so any blamin’ fingers are irrelevant at this point in time.)

I guess we wouldn’t want anybody to get the crazy idea that the country known as Japan actually bombed Pearl Harbor, or allied with the Nazis or anything like that back in the 1940s. Let’s not be sending crazy messages out in those Disney movies...

Orwell was an optimist.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/22/2001

Ol’ smarty boy checks in correcting yesterday’s Limerick:

>"one weekends"?

That was supposed to be “ON weekends.”

>John-

>Could you take me off your limerick list for a few weeks? I'll be on my honeynmoon out west...

>I'll contact you when I'm back for more daily um, nuggets.

Well, okay but... What kinda honeymoon can one have without limerick?

******

Daily Limerick 5/23/2001:

A hooker as old as Kurt Louder (sic?)

was boffed while off taking a powder

left that man that day

the Goop of the Day

(too bad ’twas Clamydia Chowder).

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/23/2001

The director of some sort of City of Chicago anti-drug program was recently arrested for growing a while mess of pot in his house.

The first tip-off came when the neighbors began complaining about a “pungent odor” coming from the house. Our farmin’ friend reportedly claimed--and here’s the kicker, folks--the the smell came from the HEDGEHOGS he was raising.

Now I’ve heard of some ridiculous excuses for all sorts of behavior. But blaming a pungent odor from the house on HEDGEHOGS?

Next up, PETA is going to burn the guy’s house down...

Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Dawn, the sister of the Head Limericist here. Remember: You’re not getting older, you’re just pooping yourself more often!

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Daily Limerick 5/24/2001:

A south Asian trave’ler named Tasket

found brothels and near blew a gasket

rememb’ring sex tricks

on all his picnics

still packs a Taiwan picnic basket.

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SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/24/2001

Considering an auxiliary goal of the show “Will & Grace” was to help make homosexuals more acceptable and human to the public...

Why did they make Will a LAWYER?

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LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/24/2001

Blah

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Daily Limerick 5/25/2001:

A man quite in need of a gig

took a new one driving a rig

out of gas, in the South

shot off his purty mouth

and soon learned he could squeal like a pig.

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Daily Limerick 5/26/2001:

A half-Asian slut named Mai Beckers

was Chinatown’s queen of home wreckers.

At parties her thighs

would part for all guys

and she’d play a game: Chinese Peckers.

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Daily Limerick 5/27/2001:

A character actor named Casey

played private eye roles (often racy).

Once, feeling forlorn

took a role in porn

and soon was the lead in “Dick Stacey.”

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Daily Limerick 5/28/2001:

For those who claim, “Back in the day...”

that smut never saw light of day:

“The butcher, the baker,

the candlestick maker”?

alone in a tub—that’s quite gay!

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Daily Limerick 5/29/2001:

There once was a fellow named Larkett

got no sex and tried hard to spark it.

The size of his crotch

he’d kick up a notch

by playing the well-placed Sock Market.

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SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/25-5/29/2001

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m sending a few days of limericks to tide you over through the holiday, as I’m going out of town for it.

Do you ever get the feeling that, at some point in the not-too-distant future, we will completely lose the ability to decipher what is funny without the aid of a laugh track?

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Daily Limerick 5/30/2001:

Now if legendary Bob Dylan

were gay, and at a party chillin’.

If you’re a gay man

how to understand

his words if he’d say he were willin’?

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SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/30/2001

I completely forgot about something in the last Daily Limerick. May 29 is the anniversary of the first time I got laid. Which, oddly enough, falls on the birthday of Bob Hope and also of Benny Goodman. She was HOPEin for a GOODMAN, and I was BOBBIN’ for a BENNY. Or was I BENding for a BOBin’?

Doesn’t makes sense, but sure sounds racy!

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LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/30/2001

In response to my comment about the human race losing the ability to discern what’s funny without a laugh track to point it out:

>-HAHAHAHAHAH! This message has been taped in front of a live studio

>audience.

>

>Signed, Thinks He's Funny Squirrel

Hmmm. Well, we’re getting letters. We’ll work on quality at some other time.

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Daily Limerick 5/31/2001:

A pervert, outdoorsman white guy

taught survival ’neath the Big Sky.

He’d rip out his dick

for one “how-to” trick

called “getting white meat from a fly.”

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SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 5/31/2001

More evidence that we’re quickly becoming “The Pussified States of America”:

Although some Italian-Americans have decided to protest the idea of “The Sopranos” showing Italian-Americans in mobster roles--for we all know that, not only is there no such thing as an Italian mobster (just wait for the Disney version of “The Godfather”), and the Italian-Americans are oh so oppressed in general throughout society...

“The Sopranos” has proved highly popular and completely non-controversial since it started showing in Italy.

Wanted by a big, fuckin’ wuss? Just add “-American” to your name!

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks—a milestone I’ve already past! At this point, I’m not entirely sure why I’m continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop—so perhaps I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

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If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles or elsewhere), let me know!

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©1999-2001 John “Sloop” Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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