Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2001

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's third year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE-THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also our new "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a lukewarm attempt at an e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants-but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right-unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

***

Daily Limerick 11/1/2001:

There once was a man, quite a brute

who'd take home the girls he thought cute,

do them doggy style

and "slip" with a smile

and soon be inside their poop shoots.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2001:

McDonald's, and its marketing crew, has decided that it's time to give Ronald McDonald more "face time" in its commercials, promotions, etc.

Are these people off in a cave with bin Laden or something? (By the way, I recently read that he prefers his name, in English letters, to be spelled "Usama." All the more reason to continue with "Osama," as far as I'm concerned.)

Yo, McDonald's:

1.) Kids don't even like clowns. I never did as a child and, to be honest, I question the idea that children have EVER liked clowns. Get somebody to dress up like a Nickelodeon character and you may please the little tikes, but a clown ain't gonna cut it. They cry and run and fear at the sight of clowns. Which shows they are smarter than we often give them credit for because...

2.) Clowns are truly, honest-to-goodness scary. There are too many child molesters in their ranks. John Wayne Gacy was a clown. I could go on and on...

And besides. Clown antics haven't been funny since sometime in the 19th Century.

Although folks like bin Laden and the Taliban, in their caves with loin cloths and their chimpanzee-level understanding of civilization, might perhaps find clowns amusing.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/1/2001

>Yeah, you have to be careful when dressing like a volcano. It could be Mount

>St. Hell-en-Earth.

There are many reasons to be careful. Mr. Spock could eat you, mistaking you for Vulcan-o's.

******

Daily Limerick 11/2/2001:

A man made his home on a barge

and picked up some chicks, livin' large.

One had just enlisted

but now had resisted

so he gave her a naval discharge.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2001:

Today, I got laid. Off.

Laid off, that is. (Sorry. Couldn't resist the cheap joke.)

This just in... (Okay, RELATIVELY just in, as we're talking daily e-newsletters.)

The "Real" World, Chicago, may be ending wrapping up Monday, three weeks earlier than was originally planned.

Ahhh. Once again, I'm reminded why I've moved away and come back to Chicago.

Why isn't stuff like this worked into Chicago tourism PR? Instead, we trumpet claptrap like Navy Pier and all the museums and crap. If I lived in another city, I'd be drawn in with campaigns like:

"Chicago. The Windy City--in fact, we blew the 'Real' World cast out of town! Can you say that about YOUR city (didn't think so, 'cause NO OTHER CITY HAS!)"

"Chicago--with a general population smart enough to have said 'no' to, and bankrupted, DisneyQwest!"

"Chicago--where only about a dozen people showed up for the 'Total Request Live' concert!"

If that doesn't get you on a plane into O'Hare airport... Well, we'd rather you leave your trigger-happy camera fingers and loud clothing at home.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/2/2001

>Vulcan-o's? Ugh, that was so bad, I think I'm gonna lava the puns alone.

Ugh. That was so bad, I think I now have an erupt-ured spleen.

******

Daily Limerick 11/3/2001:

There once was a guy named Kinicki

who'd walk around with a hard dickie.

Sometimes, in a hall

bumped into a wall

and spoojed up his pants rather sticky.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2001:

What the hell is with this craze of "Anthrax Hoaxing"?

Now, I'm all for practical jokes. And, as you may have judged from my daily attempts, I'm in fact quite a fan of the humorous, the light-hearted, of not taking things too seriously.

But what's with pushing the envelope of the humorously challenged with this one?

Moving somebody's car and telling them it's stolen is funny. Or at least it's a traditional, practical joke. Why? Because, although the idea of having your car stolen is disconcerting, it's not all that horrific. Taking a baby doll, covering it with ketchup and telling somebody you found their infant murdered is NOT funny.

Anthrax fits in the latter category, knuckleheads.

I can sorta, somewhat understand folks like, say, the immigrant American who made a slashing motion with a plastic knife on an airplane. Stupid, unfunny, true, but at least he has the excuse of being from another land, still trying to "get" American humor.

In Chicago, not only was there some yuppie frat boy type busted for anthrax hoaxing, but somebody working as a COOK COUNTY PROSECUTOR. Some moron who's actually working with the office that PROSECUTES these "not-quite-getting-it" hoaxers.

I think we may need to mandate some sort of humor/comedy classes in these cases. Or can this epidemic of people utterly missing the boat on what humor entails be the fault of "Suddenly Susan" being in reruns now?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/3/2001

>Heh heh. That was funny. Geological puns rock.

What are you? Stoned?

******

Daily Limerick 11/4/2001:

There once was a guy from Batavia

who met a bold chick named Octavia.

She said, hands on hips,

"Kiss me on the lips"

so he went straight down to her labia.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2001:

The Direct Marketing Association is lobbying for a government bailout of the Postal Service.

Direct marketing, by the way, is the procedure which kills massive amounts of trees, needlessly, by depositing piles of crap into your mail every day which, if you have an IQ of "moron" or above, you placed directly into your garbage can.

Yes, these are the people who, like the telemarketers, fuel pessimism toward the future of the human race. Common sense says, if you want to buy something, you go out and buy it. You seek out the companies. Also, you get yourself an answering machine (or waste your money on Caller ID, if you like) and NEVER even talk to a telemarketer.

Ah, but there are people who actually fall for this crap.

But anyway, who in the world is taking the direct marketers seriously? Impeach any congressman who is immediately.

Or, at least, let's indulge similar organizations across the board. Let's pay damages to the KKK because their ability to hold rallies has been hampered since the security increases brought on by Sept. 11. How about a bailout for 900 psychic lines feeling the pinch of the economy? Or, geez, all those serial killers on death row deserve SOMETHING, as we've turned our morbid attentions away from them and toward terrorists (that's really their primary reason for hanging on, the attention).

Oh boy. Perhaps I just need another cup of coffee.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/4/2001

More pun and games:

>>>Heh heh. That was funny. Geological puns rock.

>>What are you? Stoned?

>Mica likes it.

You're using this section to your own advantage. Taking it for granite.

******

Daily Limerick 11/5/2001:

The terrorist war does unfold

extreme Muslims tighten their hold.

Many a P.C. vulture

cries, "What 'bout their culture?"--

if that's culture, well, so is mold.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2001:

Just where in the hell is this market for Viagra (and simliar drugs) coming from? Really, who in the hell remotely has a need for this?

Oh, I don't mean to disparage older guys. And I don't mean to be trumpeting my virility or anything. But are there that many 70-year-old men dating 20-year-olds?

I haven't been married very long. But I already know that a drop in my sex life would actually probably improve marital relations. Not to mention the decrease in spending on pay-per-view.

Being I know that the vast majority of single guys don't get laid a hell of a lot--and when they do, there's generally little problem gettin' "in the mood"--I'm guessing this is an older, married guy kinda craze.

So, what? You're getting all horned up, the wife has a headache or another of a plethora of stock excuses, and then what? The entire demographic has red corvettes and extra-marital affairs? Are you boffing the dog? The toaster oven? The neighbors' dog? The neighbors' toaster oven? Wearing out the skin on your palm?

Where the investigative reporters when you truly need them? I demand to know what the hell is going on! What fabled, alternate reality are these people dwelling in--and how can I get there?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/5/2001

Continuing our latest pun topic:

>Volcano I'm not! (that was earth-shatteringly awful)

I don't even think I get that one. And it hurts my head (and loins) to think about it too much.

But I'll try to keep this one going! Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes... Oh, wait. The bird is shedding feathers. The phoenix is molten!

:P

******

Daily Limerick 11/6/2001:

There was a whore from the Black Hills

whose service was truly no frills.

She'd do a line dance

then rip off your pants

and whack you off, to pay the bills.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2001:

You may have noticed that you're often receiving this e-newsletter sooner than normal.

This is because I was recently laid. Off.

Laid off.

He he. (Sorry, that always cracks me up.)

I blew about half my day at the unemployment office today. Ironically, many people find the unemployment office to be their EMPLOYMENT office, as they work there. I discovered today that speaking broken English in a thick, hard-to-decipher accent is a pre-requisite for working there.

Rather than simply start sending you the wimpy check, they employ far too many people who, ironically, eat up (through wages) some money that the unemployed could really, really use.

The workers demonstrate how to use the Internet and offer other "services." These services, of course, are utterly useless. Either a) you don't need their "instruction," as you already know what they're teaching you or b) you're utterly hopeless because you don't know these most basic of functions--and they shouldn't bother wasting time and money on your sorry ass.

Lovely place, that unemployment office.

Oh, I just heard something interesting on CNN Headline News. Pertaining to the Emmies, it was reported that Ellen DeGeneres stated that "terrorists will not take our creativity away."

No, certainly not. That's Hollywood's job.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/6/2001

>Geological puns rock! Bird puns flock! Fuck, I need sleep. End recording.

And limericks cock!

Damn. Just when you thought it couldn't get any uglier.

******

Daily Limerick 11/7/2001:

A filmmaker, Malcolm, since little

with excrement, did like to fiddle.

So as he got older

his films they got bolder

'til he shot "Malcolm in the Piddle."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2001:

The USO (not exactly sure what it stands for) is the organization that brings entertainment, especially for the holiday season, to the armed services on the front lines. In the past, it has brought troops the greats of their time, like Bob Hope and stuff.

Today, it's spiraled downward to an utterly harrowing level. Currently slated performer include Jessica Simpson (the poor teen's Britney Spears), Shaggy and Bo Derek. There was a questionable comic involved, too, but I forget who. This is the kind of thing Bob Hope puts together NOW. I'm waiting for Ann Gillian (or is it Jillian?) to crawl out of the curtains.

Most "A-List" stars today, however, can't be bothered with such stuff. In fact, they don't leave Los Angeles County for fear of the terrorists targeting THEM. It only requires arm-chair psychology to figure that out.

I'd want a reunited Pink Floyd, Kiss and David Cross. Oh, and Destiny's Child. But they wouldn't sing. If you catch my drift.

By the way, Destiny's Child hasn't cashed in on my offer to cook them dinner. So, if you see 'em, give 'em a wink and a nudge for me.

******

Daily Limerick 11/8/2001:

A slut saw a man of the cloth

confessed, causing his mouth to froth.

And her tales got so steamy

he spaced out, got quite dreamy

and found his pants stained with a strange broth.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2001:

First off the bat, I'll admit that I unwittingly "stole" a joke from Ellen DeGeneres recently. I admit with great pride that I didn't watch the Emmys, but I saw a brief excerpt on CNN Headline News in which Ellen said something on the order of, "the Taliban can't take away our creativity."

Thinking I was clever, I added to that: "That's Hollywood's job!"

Then I read in the newspaper that Ellen in fact followed that excerpt with, and I paraphrase, "That's the job of Network Executives."

So, okay. It was a REAL easy joke but, just so you know, I didn't steal it. In fact, I think a joke that obvious is actually somehow in the public domain or something.

Moving along, I'm going to hit you guys with a couple S&Y topics today. You see, I keep a notebook with these crackpot ideas and occasionally I completely waste one because, by the time I get to it, it's dated. So here's a few timely ones I don't want to waste (which I will instead convert into waste):

The Bush-Gore-chads-butterfly ballot-whiny ass-recount a million times situation of the 2000 election is hot and hip now. First, it was invoked in the Democratic primary for New York mayoral candidate and now it's finding it's way into elections that virtually lack any degree of importance. The Actors Guild president loser (I forget their names and don't particularly care) was threatening "recount" recently.

Heard "Break on Through (To the Other Side)" in a commercial for "Monsters, Inc." This means that music of The Doors is being used to plug Disney movies. This may also mean that the Apocalypse is close at hand--and the Four Horseman actually have a few good points, in the event that the idea is taken up by a court of law.

After witnessing the frightening prospect of "Super Sized FRIENDS" recently, I read today of a new trend by network pinheads of adding 8 minutes or so to TV shows in an effort to keep people tuned passed the hour/half-hour mark. I admit that this is a creative marketing idea but wonder why they didn't try ACTUALLY HIRING WRITERS WHO HAVE SOME SORT OF TALENT as a marketing technique first.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/8/2001

>I gave Destiny's Child that nudge you wanted. Now I'm up for molestation

>charges. Thanks a lot.

Hey! Leave the "nudging" up to me, pal! So I guess, since you're up on charges, you may be sent to prison.

Please. I beg of you. Get a good lawyer. I can't handle more of the prison puns.

******

Daily Limerick 11/9/2001:

There once was a serial mugger

so active, some called him a plugger.

But many do posit

he's just in the closet

in need of a really good bugger.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2001:

Once again, S&Y touches on a few topics in its pathetic efforts to stay timely.

First off, we have some good news. I think this was a recurring header at some point but I forgot what it was and it went over with a fizzle with you schmucks anyway.

Anyhow, reportedly, they couldn't find enough people to fill sits at certain points during the Emmys because even the people there were watching the World Series. Keep it up America--once all the Hollywood awards shows go bankrupt, we'll celebrate.

Hey, have you noticed that California's state past-time is catching on across the country? On CNN lately, I've seen slow-speed highway chases in Florida and Georgia. It isn't as if they have a successful example of a highway chaser who got away to look up to. Is there some sort of instinct that kicks in, ala "Well, they're gonna send me up the river anyway, so I might as well get a 15 minutes of fame in before I'm locked up..."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/9/2001

>Don't worry, I'm just gonna lay law for awhile. No worries for prison puns.

Good. For prison puns, there are no pro's. Only con's.

******

Daily Limerick 11/10/2001:

There once was a fellow named Lutz

who had some colossal-sized nuts.

Each chick that he'd screw

would turn black and blue

around their poor taints and their butts.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2001:

I just read that magician David Blain (sic?) is now dating Naomi Campbell.

This sets the reputation of beautiful women back another decade or so.

You see, although not too many people weep for them, occasionally you read an interview with some model or something whining that they're "not taken seriously because of being beautiful."

I know, I understand that you'll pause in reading this to grab some tissues.

To cite but a few instance, first you may recall that Christie Brinkley married, out of all the musicians in the world, Billy Joel.

Then, there's the trend of hot women--Cher, Pam Anderson, I know I'm forgetting a host of others--dating washed up '80s metal stars. Not even during their prime. Years upon years later, when they were barely worthy of playing a Wal-Mart opening. Not to mention that these musicians were talent-challenged (excuse the sudden urge to be politically correct) to begin with.

And MAGICIANS? There's been David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer and... Again, I now there are many other examples, and now we have Naomi and David...

I don't understand why there's a market for magicians today. One more time people...

Decades ago, it was amazing to see some entertainer "slice a woman in half" or what have you. But today, we have SPECIAL EFFECTS. We can watch the White House get blown up in a movie, we can watch warriors slug it out in alternate dimensions, we can see Elvis dancing with James Brown...

Why does anybody give the time of day to some knucklehead who makes the Empire State Building disappear, or whatever these knuckleheads are doing. I can partially (partially, mind you, as there are a lot of stupid people in the world) understand seeing these stunts live but... WATCHING ON TELEVISION? Once again, SPECIAL EFFECTS have been invented, folks.

And giving up some grade-A booty for one of these freelance special effects meister wannabes?

I may have to extend my dinner offer to Naomi--and any other supermodels about to be scammed into the world of a "magician." Really. I know a few card tricks.

Oh, and here's a funny tid-bit: When I spelled checked this Slappin' & Yappin' (yes, there's hope for professionalism at DL), the replacement word suggested for "Schiffer," as in Claudia, was "stiffer."

He hee.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/10/2001

>All right, let the puns end. E cuff is enough.

You wouldn't be so bold face-to-face, in prison. (Er, that's supposed to be a pun on "person" but, well, I don't it comes across right here. But I don't care.)

******

Daily Limerick 11/11/2001:

There is a young girlie named Lola

whose boobs do perk up and say, "Hola!"

in rooms with a chill-

there's always a thrill

when cold perks up her areola.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2001:

Happy 11/11! I have a story about the significance of the date personally, but I won't rehash it every single year, of course.

We'll start with an installment of SIGNS OF HOPE:

The Olympic committee is barely breaking even. Perhaps there is signs of seeing an entity so crassly commercialized that it suffers Death by Marketing.

Also, I'm a little bothered by the fact that Bush is declaring the week of Nov. 11 through 17 "National Employer Support Week." Firstly, it's thanking businesses for letting workers leave with the National Guard, which, I thought, was their duty anyway. When's "National People Who Don't Stab Their Neighbors Support Week"? I deserve some recognition for that, if this is the trend.

Also, aren't laws in general stacked overall in the employers' favor to begin with? Is this to help counteract that pesky "Labor Day"? Are "National Millionaire's Appreciation Day" and "White History Month" far behind?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/11/2001

>Billy Joel? Don't you mean Billy Joel (R)? It's always crap that becomes a

>registered trademark. See you at McDonald's!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2001:

A McDonald's worker, who dug it,

would bring beer to work, then he'd chug it.

He'd ogle a dame

and play his own game

that he called "The Chicken McTug-it."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2001:

A book of poems has been published by the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

Continuing on the brave new milliennium's trend of taking the arts out of the hands of artists and putting it into the hands of already established celebrities.

And now for something completely different...

A question on the finer of political correctness:  A woman gets breast implants. Breast implants are politically incorrect, capitalizing on a woman's physical beauty and blah blah blah, but once a woman gets them... It isn't fair to declare HER politically incorrect, of course. So, what if a guy who's against breast implants decides not to date her because he's against breast implants. Also suppose the guy is at least partially against breast implants because they're unhealthy and also because he's sees the idea of getting them as superficial.

Now, deciding that beauty enhancements are superficial is politically correct, but being a man is, by its nature, politically incorrect--as is placing "demands" on a mate, at least on the part of a man. And if breast implants are politically incorrect, but judging a woman based on them is as well...

Where does this leave us? Does anybody care, out there?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/12/2001

>Gee, I'm searching for something to say.

>

>Anyway, below you can (probably) see how this looks when I receive it. How

>does my text look? Oooh, ooh, let me include some apostrophes: won't

>don't can't cun't. Oh wait, "cun't" doesn't have a "'", does it?

>I have no idea what the =B3 and '=B2' are before and after "Hola!".

>

>Answer soon now, 'ya hear?

Now, is this Letters TO the Idiot, or Letters FROM the Idiot?

Those strange B CODES appear to be quotation marks.

As always, any technical assistance we can provide at DL and S&Y is available at your service. Or something.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2001:

A Mexican man, named Guerrero

siesta'd a-playin' "Bolero."

And thanks to his ploy

he woke up to joy--

a moustache ride 'neath his sombrero.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2001:

There's actually a magazine out now called "Bride Again." It's for second-, third- (etc.) time brides.

As is usual in these cases, not only is it frightening that some hee-haw gave this a whirl, but even more frightening that, so far, readers and advertisers are buying into it.

So divorce happens and all, and people will re-marry and many (perhaps most) of these people are generally decent. They just made some mistakes. But still, I'm not exactly happy with the continuance of this trend of celebrating fuck-ups.

One could argue that the trend began with 12-step groups. Again, addiction happens to a lot of fine people and recovery is commendable and all but DON'T WEAR IT LIKE A FUCKING BADGE!

What's next, "Ex Con" magazine? "Former Wife Beater"?

Bleech.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/13/2001

>B Codes or not B Codes. That is the quotation. :p

Leave me B.

And here's another:

>P.S. Your slappin' and yappin' was so incoherent that ... oh wait, that's

>politically incorrect. You, uh, you rock, and your ideas are wonderful,

>wonderful things. :)

>Signed,

>Look Who's Talkin'

Actually, I think it is perhaps politcally correct to say bad things about Slappin' & Yappin'. Or, at least, I'm HOPING this monster I've created is NOT politically correct. Then I've at least accomplished SOMETHING.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2001:

The young boys' plight destiny maps

we're born curious 'bout our laps

first innocently

then comes puberty

and we play with it 'til it chaps.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2001:

In Chicago, people have been tuned-in to one of those tragedy stories (which I usually never follow very much) about a couple who beat their kids silly. At least one of them died.

What caught my eye, in briefly glancing over a piece on the story in the newspaper to see whether there were any "extenuating circumstances" worthy of my attention, was the fact that the parents, after the fact, claimed that they were giving a "Biblical beating" to the child(ren). Some hoo-ha about "forty lashes plus one" or some such outdated, primitive drivel.

Speaking of outdated, primitive drivel, the twin World Trade Center towers are now gone thanks to religion. Kids are being beaten thanks to religion. And I don't think I need to recount all the things over time that have happened thanks to that good ol' fashioned religion.

Were into our Third Millennium. Let's hope by the fourth we'll have given up the oh-so-helpful concept of religion.

But I'm not holding my breath.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/14/2001

>God, these people at my job are fucking idiots. One of them saying's

>something about not wanting to read Harry Potter because it will "ruin the

>movie" for him. He's also saying they should do a Twin Towers sitcom called

>"Silver Lining." SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVID KRONKE!

>

>Oh, wait, I'm supposed to say something regarding your slappin' and yappin'.

>Uh ... brought to you by Trojan, Nair and Phil Collins: The Divorcee

>Lifestyle. Oh, right, and Prozac.

>

>-me

I went to the LETTERS TO THE IDIOT section today and a chatroom broke out.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2001:

A Japanese girlie named Lucy

bought tight, leather thongs made by Gucci.

Her boyfriend soon found

that when he went down

her taste was a much stronger sushi.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2001:

We added a handful of new "subscribers" for this edition. Occasionally, something is in the air (probably methane gas) when I read some of my filthy poetry somewhere and a handful of folks sign up.

Which reminds me of the story of the guy who ditched Daily Limerick.

Don't get me wrong. He wasn't the only one. A woman once simply asked to be off the list after subscribing for about a year. I combed through recent editions after that occured but was at a loss for what may have set her off. Other than the poor quality, of course.

But, anyway, a guy ditched DL once, too. Ditched it. It was especially nutty as it's not like there are any fees to ditch. I don't have a gang of toughs just awaiting me to give them the word to beat up on Daily Limerick refugees or anything.

So this joker e-mails me, saying he's going away on a two-week honeymoon and, therefore, stop delivery of the Daily Limerick and he'll reorder upon return. "Ah," I thought. "The ol' 'Goin' Away on a Honeymoon and I'll reorder Upon Return' trick."

And I was right.

And, well, I haven't heard of an e-mail box that explodes if it holds e-mail that isn't immediately read. As many DL readers can attest, you can simply delete these mo-foes (note the Dan Quayle-esque spelling) without reading them.

Odd. Utterly curious, I might add.

Oh, and I've added a new and (questionably) improved feature this time: Text only Daily Limerick, for the wahoos out there getting all these strange characters.

Piece. Sweat Love. And... Something Else I can't think of right now.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/15/2001

In response to yesterday's installment of my continuing rant against organized religion:

>Religion will go. Have faith.

I don't specifically have a problem with "faith," as long as it's not used as a last-ditch argument by a backed-in-the-corner idiot against scientific and/or logical reasoning. Nor do I have a problem with Faith Hill.

Actually, I do have a problem with her and the whole crew responsible for the MTV-zation of country music. But PHYSICALLY, I don't.

Which reminds me of the one time my wife told me, "I'd like to get my hair done kinda like how Faith Hill's was at the Grammies."

First of all, although they were on in the background as I did other stuff, I don't actually WATCH the Grammy's. Secondly, her hairstyle drew a complete blank.

Now, if she'd have said, "I'd like to get a push-up bra to have my jugs look like Faith Hill's did at the Grammies," then I may well understand what she's alluding to.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2001:

A girl on a fast city bus

gave head to a fellow named Russ.

The bus hit a bump

he finished his hump

which gave her hairdo quite a muss.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2001:

I suppose most everybody saw the photo I saw this morning when I picked up my daily newspaper. Or a similar one.

It was of the knuckleheads in that Texas religious group whose members were rescued in Afghanistan. Did you notice the brain-dead, glassy, blissful look in their eyes.

I think these people should reimburse the military for any expenses incurred rescuing their moronic asses.

I'll admit, I was no expert on Afghanistan before September 11 (and I am still not). But I knew about the Taliban and their religious stylings that went out of fashion, oh, maybe 1,000 years ago. And I would think, if I were going to some country half way across the world, I would read up on it.

Even if you are nutty enough to proselytize Christianity, I don't think you could have picked a more stupid place to attempt it.

Maybe we need a statute. This quite possibly qualifies as felony idiocy.

(By the way: The spellchecker's suggestion for "Taliban" is "tailbone.")

He hee.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2001:

A waitress and marvelous cutie

had a top-notch, earth-moving bootie.

One day every loser

did happen to goose her

and she filled her pants up with doody.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2001:

I recently read news of a new women's pro volleyball league set to possibly debut soon.

Another inept CEO somewhere is looking at millions in severance packages when the venture fails--already.

Hello, "WNBA," anyone.

The WNBA is going to fail. It's doing lousy, it's never done well and it never will.

Perhaps these women's sports organizations should go for really small stadiums or something. Serve the small market the DO have. Instead of lining things up with all these fat cats at arenas where the "stars" play and milk stupid fans out of billions to pay for top-notch catering and crap for said "stars" to brag about on MTV (while curiously avoiding the topic of, oh, say, the art of music--but perhaps I'm being old-fashioned).

But anyway, I digress a bit.

Allow me to be the bearer of obvious but bad news: pro women's sports will never come close to being as profitable as men's.

Don't blame me. I don't even pay much attention to men's sports even. It's the way men and women are. The way nature made things. Most people don't give a shit. It was that way in the early 1900s, it's that way now, it will be that way in 2100.

Again, it can be done if owners and such realize that they're not going to join the billion-dollar, you-fist-me-I'll-fist-you multi-media-merger club and, like small book store owners, simply realize that there is SOME profit involved and to focus on that.

If the world only listened to Slappin' and Yappin' more often, it'd be a much nicer place.

Oh, and an update on my previous ranting about those stuck-in-the-year-1100, backward-thinking, religion-twisting nuts... The Taliban! Er, I mean, those Christianity Proselytizing nuts from Texas, German and wherever who were arrested by the Taliban and recently freed:

Some quotes after their rescue from the Barons of Boneheadism:

On their being saved by the Northern Alliance and U.S. Military: "It was like a miracle."

Er, know it wasn't. It was the technology of weapons and helicopters and such, pal, which cost us citizens probably an extra million bucks or so. Shithead.

And:

"We'd also like to thank our nation, who prayed for us..." er, more importantly, we rescued her stupid asses... "...our Lord Jesus..." Sorry, but didn't see Jesus around. Saw U.S. FORCES who, quite frankly, have more important things to do than rescue a bunch of pea-brained Jesus Freaks.

Somebody, mandate some "Reality Management" courses for these idiots. And never let them leave the country again until they've completed them.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2001:

There once was a lady from Cheddar

who wore a full-body, tight sweater.

It pushed up her cleavage

and showed off her beavage

(all men she'd meet did try to bed her).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2001:

I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that Congress has federalized airport security screeners. A part of me thinks it's a good idea but...

I urge you, however, when you think of "federal employees," to call to mind of vision of your last trip to the post office.

Surly attitudes. Eating sandwiches and doing crossword puzzles.

I may in fact now be more frightened.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2001:

Some parents are brainwashed that Disney

is a fam'ly friendly ol' Bizney.

No Hollywood slouches

their plush casting couches

are soaked with their fair share of Jizz-ney.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2001:

More evidence bolstering my call for the institution and prosecutuion of a new crime, Felony Idiocy:

You've undoubtedly heard about the chowderhead who ran through airport security and shut down the whole airport (Atlanta, I believe?) while authorities sought him out. It appears now that he was a "big football fan" who was in a hurry to catch a plane.

First off, you didn't exactly board your plane on time thanks to your ingenius little stunt, did you? Secondly...

HAVE YOU HEARD A TV OR RADIO REPORT, PICKED UP A NEWSPAPER OR MAGAZINE--OR JUST PLAIN TALKED TO ANOTHER FUCKING HUMAN BEING IN TWO MONTHS?

Draw up the bill for how much this security cost and give it to him. Then lock him up in the new Felony Idiocy wing of the local penitentiary.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/19/2001

>When it comes to issues of religious, you seem very cross.

I'm actually a nice guy, though--behind the mosque.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2001:

A slutty young girl named Yi-Soon

had a really popular poon'.

While cooking, a botch

splashed oil in her crotch

which cooked up some Crablice Rangoon.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2001:

We have a full news day here at the Daily Limerick (Slappin' & Yappin' Division), or, in other words, no shortage of stupidity in the news as I write this, so here goes:

Whoopi Goldberg is getting the Mark Twain award.

Okay, dogmatic liberals. Let loose all you will about me bashing a selection who's both African-American and female.

But I guess I missed the point of the Mark Twain award. It's honoring... Comedy-related folks who are taking the art backwards, de-evolving closer to the days of Mark Twain.

Whoopi Goldberg is an actress. No more, no less. She doesn't WRITE THE MATERIAL she spouts at awards shows, folks. That's pre-Lenny Bruce crap. Oh, and anybody on any version of "Hollywood Squares" really shouldn't be honored for anything.

I read word of diet Slurpees on the cooker. Once again: If you're some healthy nut, DON'T be buying anything but the salads at 7-Eleven. Don't be seen in McDonald's either. Munch a lettuce head quietly, alone and leave the rest of us alone with your fear pollution.

Danny Glover rambled on at some anti-death penalty speech at Princeton about how we shouldn't kill bin Laden and terrorists, blaming the U.S. for the terrorist attacks, as is the hip Hollywood thing to do. Yo, Glover: You play pretend for a living. We don't care about your opinion on the Coke/Pepsi question, much less anything related to politics. He rambled on and on about slavery and all this stuff, mixing apples, oranges and, in fact, cement mixers. Well, move. We won't miss you, there, fancy pants drama boy! (But I will give him credit for not mounting another annoying celebrity fundraiser.)

Oh, and Nicole Kidman is pushing to get some sort of brief, walk-on role in the next Harry Potter movie because her kids are big Potter fans. Great lesson to show the kids there, fancy-pants pretend girl--you CAN always get what you want (which will cause all sorts of problems when those kids are on drugs and wallowing in their inability to live up to their mother's success).

Again, I must report that stupidity in America is alive and well.

Courage.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/20/2001

>When you get down to it, aren't all crimes idiotic? And stop lording over

>your puns!

Good to see you're vigilant about this pun topic. At least you're not idol.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2001:

A Taliban fighter in Kabul

looked 'round at the city in rubble.

Ran to Uncle Sam

and unzipped Sam's ham

and 'tween Sam's legs started to bob-ble.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2001:

Again, a bunch of stupidity in the world:

I was reading about a preponderance of symposiums that focus on various religions. These are meant to increase understanding among people of different religions and, I guess, prevent violent crimes between folks of different religions.

One problem: I don't think the types of people who commit these crimes attend such symposiums. Try again, folks.

DEA folks are concerned that Ritalin is now also being used as a recreational drug, for the high of it. This completely screws up the Drug War, black-and-white version of reality, in which drugs are either Good and Approved or Bad and Banned. You know, kinda like how alcohol and Valium have never caused any problems? This comes as a serious blow to Drug War Soldiers, having recently learned that the sky is blue.

And speaking of government organizations that should be shut down immediately, the FCC is looking into the idea of the recent Victoria's Secret fashion show being "indecent." Yo, boneheads: the FCC is there to monitor whether or not different TV and radio stations are stealing others' frequencies. And, again, televisions have knobs (or remotes, more likely these days). Oh, and to the whining parents: The TV doesn't always have to be on, and your kid should not have one in his/her room. There are ancient devices known as "games" and "discussions" that may prove helpful.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/21/2001

>I can talk about puns night or deity.

I relish your puns. In fact, I savior every line.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2001:

Today is a day to give thanks

for what change remains in our banks.

E'en if unemployed

we can stay overjoyed

'cause it's still free to trade a few spanks.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2001:

A stereo salesman named Lee

has a sexless marriage, you see.

But he made it work

with many a perk

thanks to high in-fidelity.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22-11/23/2001:

Happy Thanksgiving! And this provides the perfect opportunity for me to expound upon my "Turkey Conspiracy" theory.

I don't like turkey. It's a dry bird and it's ridiculously over-rated. And I've noticed turkey overtaking every holiday.

It's okay for Thanksgiving--that's one day I can put up with the dry-ass bird. (No matter who cooks it--the juiciest turkey is too dry for me.) But the Easter hams, the Christmas goose--all gone. Thanks to "oh, there's too much FAT" fear-pollution.

Take a moment to cry for the loss of culinary options.

Damn turkey.

Oh, and I don't like cranberries or stuffing either.

Not my favorite holiday.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/22-11/23/2001

>I'm thinking of getting you a Palm pontius Pilate for christmas!

Well, times are tough, so you won't be getting much. But nobody ever said life was a bed of Moses.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2001:

A boy dreamed of one day bein' Pope

but all of the ladies said "nope"!

They'd caution 'gainst haste

and think, "What a waste"

(this boy had one hell of a rope).

***

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2001:

There once was a man from El Paso

whom many guys labeled as assho'.

Not one to play games

on fickle young dames

he'd use his flesh rope as a lasso.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2001:

There once was a bitchy young diva

a spoiled brat and over achieva'.

There're legends about

how she mellowed out

(her first real good plug in the beava').

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24-26/2001:

So William Daley, brother of Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, has been, or will be, appointed CEO of SBC/Ameritech (the local Taliban of phone companies here in the Chicago area). How odd that this comes at a point when SBC is trying to get approval for some draconian measures in government, lifting their restrictions on ruling the world.

Anybody here in the area: Now we have a choice. Dump SBC/Ameritech. Before the specter of an actual free market threatened their evil rule, they gave me a new phone number before I moved into a new apartment--a convenience, I thought, and so I made up business cards and everything.

The new phone number didn't happen. They then gave me a different one.

I withheld the cost of the business cards from my next bill.

They wouldn't give.

Why bother with customer service when you're the Darth Vader of local utilities?

Now, they keep calling and mailing me crap, "We value your patronage--come back to Ameritech."

Fuck you...

The Chicago Public Schools, famous for graduating illiterate students, has spent a lot of time, effort and money to produce a brand new report card. That oughta fix everything...

A man on a personal watercraft was killed by a flying duck. Don't know what to add to that. It's darkly humorous on its own...

Oh, there's a lot more stupidity in the news. And, as you know, I could go on and on and on... But, well, I have company already for the holiday season and I'd better get going.

As if you're reading this, anyway.

Just call me the "Journalistic Walter Mitty."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/24-26/2001:

>I think we should end this pun topic. Y'know, go out with a bang, or at

>least a "That Saul, folks!"

When does the mail come? Is it 1 p.m. mail? Or three-Ish-ma-il?

Ugh.

>P.S. Have a happy dry-ass bird day tomorrow. :)

I'll still probably eat a lot and have to wattle over to watch the football games.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2001:

A girlie quite perky and spry

had sex with a man rather sly.

Flipped her doggie style

said, "Ooops!" and, with wile,

slipped it in her winkin' brown eye.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2001:

Mullah Muhammed Omar, Hollywood executive... er, Taliban leader, decided a couple days ago to issue an edict for all under his "power" to make sure and wear their turbans straight atop their heads.

Kinda like dusting when your house is burning down, isn't it?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2001:

A girl found pagers over-rated

but soon, ev'ry guy that she dated

was told just to beep her

ev'n if he's a keeper

(she learned that the pagers vibrated).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2001:

Dayna Curry, one of the knuckleheads who were off preaching Jesus stuff under Taliban rule, subtly slights her own set of "infidels":

"I'll never be able to thank America and the different Christians aroudn the world who prayed for us."

In other words, if you're not Christian, she didn't see much worth in your prayers.

It's too bad things got so ugly for the missionary knuckleheads over there. If they would've sat down and had a few late-night discussions, they'd have found that they have a lot in common.

Also, keep an eye on the similar knuckleheads who've been preaching Christianity over in the Phillipines to that Polynesian, special breed of Muslim extremists.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/28/2001:

>With the postal service, God only knows.

That was a bad pun. And I was just starting to think that there was a Methodist to your madness.

>Ameritech should die, or better, be eaten by Microsoft.

Ameritech and Microsoft on the same team? What, to make the Taliban look good?

Refering to the Taliban's "Supreme" Leader:

>If he happened to be a Hollywood executive AND a Taliban leader concerned

>about turbans, he could say "That's a wrap!"

At least the Taliban is using their head.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2001:

Breast implants could not be much clear-er

even to the common chick leer-er.

Some boobs on some dames

just don't match their frames--

like they're caught in a fun house mirror.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2001:

I'm a Christmas kind of guy. I realize that may be annoying to some of you, but I am. I have loads of Christmas CDs and I throw a bunch in the CD player, on shuffle, and play them. Over and over.

We normally decorate the joint the day after Thanksgiving. But, being that we had company on that day this year, we actually decorated on the day BEFORE Thanksgiving this year. (However, I DO take down the decorations on January 2nd and, this year's exception aside, refuse to get into the Christmas spirit, decorate and/or play the holiday tunes until AFTER Thanksgiving. So give me credit for that.)

Lately, I've found myself engaging in an exercise of ambiguity. There's a terrible, horrific "Lite" music station, but they're now playing Christmas tunes non-stop. But I only listen to it in the car. And, since being unemployed, it has become my duty to drive my wife to work in the mornings and pick her up in the afternoon.

Driving, especially in downtown Chicago, is not conducive to "Good Will Toward Men."

So, were you able to mike-up my car in the morning and during evening rush hour, you might hear:

"Just hear those sleigh bells ringing and ding-ding-dinging... Hey, you fuckin' asshole!... Er, lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with... Hey, just how far IS your head up your ass!... Out side the snow is falling and... Oh, GREAT! Yeah, your cell phone conversation is more important than guiding your multi-ton block of steel, which can kill us all, fucknut--and thanks for choosing an SUV to keep us dependent on the Saudis and crap--it's partially your fucking fault that terrorists are attacking us...

"Er... Jingle bells, jingle bells..."

It's not a pretty sight.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2001:

Mariah's big project, ol' glitter

left critics laughing in a titter.

But still, that hot muffin

would get a good stuffin'

from me in her hot love hair fritter.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2001:

What's with real, A-list celebrities appearing in GAP commercials? Is this a sign of the coming Apocalypse?

Okay, perhaps they're A-minus-list celebrities. Or B-plus-list, perhaps. But still, I'm utterly frightened by the trend. I guess I'm downgrading the rating of these celebrities because, while I recognize them and their names (a billboard nearby for The Gap actually labels the woman in the photo as Jennifer Jason Leigh, kinda admitting that her celebrityhood is, well, semi-lacking) I'm not real familiar with them. Then again, I strike a delicate balance between ignoring the morons and keeping up on the crap enough to make fun of it in my various endeavors.

Speaking of celebrityhood, I relative-in-law of mine was in town recently from Los Angeles and he was defending celebrities. Specifically, he was talking about Carson Daly and how people make fun of him, making a good point: he's just doing his job. Well, despite that being a good point, there are a couple rules concerning celebrityhood, thanks to the First Amendment: You get the spotlight, you bang chicks left and right, but we have the right to rip you a new asshole in exchange. If you can't take it, whimper off to another line of work (Carson, you're going to have to after another 5 minutes of fame, anyway) and there are thousands of good-looking, marginally talented wannabes who will take your place.

And, actually, Jennifer Jason Leigh really didn't look so hot in the Gap ad. Which bring me to another point: Celebrities aren't better looking than the rest of us.

Oh, it's always a question people put to you: If you could bang anybody in the world, who would it be? Some couple even make rules, ala: If for some reason I ever get a chance to do Jennifer Lopez, that's allowed in this relationship (and then the woman gets to pick somebody, too). And I, too, will engage in this version of horned-up celebrity worship, but that's only because celebrities are our National Water Cooler. You can't say, "Man, I'd love to bang Janet in accounting!" to anybody else but those you work with, so you have to substitute an Angelina Jolie or Lil' Kim so you can bond with people.

In all seriousness, if I had a choice of, say, Jennifer Aniston or anybody else, assuming my wife and some magic djinni agreed to let me bang ANYBODY of my own choosing, I'd take a walk downtown and round up a candidate ripe for the mountin' within 10 minutes. And she'd be AT LEAST as hot as any of the "Friends" ladies.

Which is why, if there were some sort of "Truth in Publishing Laws" for magazines that really cut to the bone, People's "50 Sexiest People" issue wouldn't include anybody most of us have heard of.

So do your duty as an American and rip into a celebrity or two on a daily basis.

***

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***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already past! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks-one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

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***

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