Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2001

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE—THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You’ll find a sample limerick below as well as “Slappin’ and Yappin’,” our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There’s also our new “Letters to the Idiot” section! That’s right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a lukewarm attempt at an e-newsletter!

So you’ve spotted that guy or gal who’s causing a dance in your pants—but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? “You’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken” is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don’t know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn’t work, some quotes from “Slappin’ and Yappin’” will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and “Slappin’ and Yappin’”—every day! No, you haven’t died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven’t died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin’ and Yappin’ delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that’s not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That’s right—unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won’t receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

***

Daily Limerick 9/1/2001:

A hockey ref out of Belize

had a rather hot lookin’ niece.

But the bush of this fox

was a penalty box

if the ref caught you inside her crease.

***

Daily Limerick 9/2/2001:

Jack Horner’s first date was with Mary

(the one who was known as contrary).

He stuck in his thumb

to pull out a plumb

but actu’lly, popped out a cherry.

***

Daily Limerick 9/3/2001:

Celeb PR creates illusion

but sometimes, the battle they’re losin’.

For instance, the phrase

for scopin’ out gays

could easily be, “Goin’ Tom Cruisin’.”

***

Daily Limerick 9/4/2001:

An oral slut from Terra Haute

called work playin’ sick as a goat.

Her technique was eccentric--

to make it sound authentic,

she called in with a log in her throat.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/4/2001:

Blah.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/4/2001:

Blah.

******

Daily Limerick 9/5/2001:

A lucky young fellow named Blair

played three girls in a Truth or Dare.

He followed each rule

and kept up his cool

and tip-toed through much pubic hair.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/5/2001:

Once again, it has been announced, the Movie Industry had a “record year.”

Curious, isn’t it? How that happenes pretty much every year?

You see, a “record year” is calculated in dollars. Movie prices sure as hell ain’t goin’ down. Oh, and while this might surprise you, the population isn’t going down either.

This is especially pathetic when you consider that last year, the movie industry didn’t have a record year. Perhaps, though, it’s not so pathetic. Perhaps people are getting smarter, which would be a reversal of the overall trend.

Using misleading statistics to put a rosy glow on things. Hollywood, Communist China. Potato, potahto.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/5/2001:

Our Staff Letter Writer checks in with:

>Hey, John. Have a great vacation. It was hard to control myself getting so

>many limericks at once. Bye.

Thanks and all but, is taking advantage of a 3-day weekend really a “vacation”? All I know is that, according to my friend’s junior high misunderstanding of the lyrics of the Go-Gos, “Vacation only fries pancakes...”

By the way, this letter reminds me: Think when you read (limericks). Or maybe “Limerick Responsibly” is catchier. Or “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Limericked.”

Or something.

******

Daily Limerick 9/6/2001:

As middle-aged crisis appalls

the U.S. is Viagra Falls.

And lottery games

have spread here like flames

(seems we’re obsessed with Power Balls).

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/6/2001:

Tommorow is Roger Waters’ birthday.

Hoo boy.

Roger Waters, for those who don’t know, is basically the mind behind Pink Floyd.            Oh, some will argue that David Gilmore was an integral part of the sound (and he was), or even the other two (Mason and Wright) but... Pink Floyd since... Oh, can it really be since the early ’90s at this point... Well, they haven’t really been Pink Floyd. A bit like the Beatles without John Lennon.

Anyhow, it’s his birthday tomorrow and while I see the guy as a raving genius, he’s also partly responsible for me nearly spending my life locked in a room. And not just from all the damn drugs I did for a while there. (Yes, that’s right! Nancy Reagan had a profound effect on me!)

Anyway, I don’t recall what my point was here, other than the fact that it’s Roger Waters’ birthday, but I think I’m going to go off and have a flashback or something.

And Pink Floyd was actually a little before my time. I was a second-hand Pink Floyd head, of sorts.

But I’ll leave it at that. Time for the dayglo flying hedgehogs.

******

Daily Limerick 9/7/2001:

There was an old chef, name of Pickens

who’d cook all horned up as the Dickens

which added some passion

to all of his rations

(but I would avoid his “jerk” chicken).

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/7/2001:

Did you hear about this guy who created a whole hostage stand-off situation in Indiana?

He eventually turned himself in for...

Two Big Macs and a pack of Marlboros.

You go through all that trouble and THAT’S all you ask for? Not even a CARTON of Marlboros. At least get some damn fries with that. Why not a lobster dinner and a fine cigar?

Of course, I wouldn’t doubt that McDonald’s paid the guy, as part of some promotional stunt.

The adult Happy Meal could come with a pack of smokes.

******

Daily Limerick 9/8/2001:

There once was a fellow from Turkey

whose English skills were rather murkey.

Played charades, by chance--

he pulled down his pants

and tossed off to play out “Beef Jerky.”

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/8/2001:

So it’s come to this:

The U.S. Marines has now allowed women to wear lipstick with their camoflauge.

Evidently, this was a real hot-button issue among women in the military.

Does anybody else remember reading in school about how women’s movements once concentrated on silly little issues like equal pay, being treated seriously in careers, stuff like that?

You’ve come a long way backward, baby.

Oh, but wearing big ol boots, having a butch haircut and in baggy camoflauge... All you really need to be lookin’ good is some lipstick.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/8/2001:

My blathering on about Pink Floyd has brought some response:

>    Another FloydHead?  That's my passionate secret in  life, the one thing people would never guess looking at me, that I am a Floyd  fanatic.  Ever since my ex made me listen reallllllll closely to that alarm  clock thing on DSM, I've been hooked.  I even liked The Final Cut and  Division Bell.  And for my son's recent high school graduation, two of the  things I got him (he asked for) were Dark Side of the Moon and  The Wall.   I've  been to about a zillion concerts in my life, starting with Led Zeppelin at the  Indiana Fairgrounds Cow Barn in 1969, but my one regret in life is that I've  never seen Pink Floyd in person.   Raving  genius is a good term for Roger Waters.  I'm always amazed at the literary  aspects of some of their songs.     Did  you know...that one of the backup singers on The Wall is Toni Tenille, of the  Captain and Tenille? (I'm assuming you're old enough to know whay that  is...   Actually, Pink Floys was almost ahead of MY time.   I remember (barely) being a freshman in college at Larry Bird's Alma Mater in  Terre Haute, and seeing a PF album, Umma Gooma, in a record store.  "Who  are these weirdos" was my thought at the time.  But that was before that  Led Zeppelin concert.  And while they still had Sid "the Zombie"  Barret.

I would like to analyze the above, but then I’d be “Pink Freud.” I saw Pink Floyd on the “Momentary Lapse” tour. I felt a little traitorous, as I’m still not resolved to the idea of them playing without Waters, but I do still like much of the non-Waters stuff and the concert was one of the most intense experiences of my life.

And then, more Pink Floyd stuff comes in! This may be the most popular “Letters to the Idiot” in Daily Limerick history!

>Ha ha, you corrected me on Rob Halford's name (did I get it wrong again?),

>now I get to correct you on the proper spelling of Gilmour. I'm sailing into

>dangerous Waters now, but I'll grin and Barrett.

******

Daily Limerick 9/9/2001:

Three rather wild lesbos smoked pot

and found that the hooch got ’em hot--

they jumped in a pile

in true Penthouse style

and thus had a menage a twot.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/9/2001:

Occasionally I write-up an incident or phenomenon here that paints Chicago in a favorable light compared to other cities. You may call it shamelessly trumpeting my home city, but I don’t think it can possibly overcome the bashing that Hollywood gives Chicago, the Midwest and pretty much anywhere that isn’t L.A. or New York.

But here’s some more news on that level:

Here in Chicago, the Total Request Live concert (featuring everybody the music industry wants us to love) was nearly empty.

That can only reflect positively on a city.

******

Daily Limerick 9/10/2001:

At one time, a rock n roll hellion

might be a mav’rick or a felon.

Then came MTV’s

planned controversies

and its corp’rate-sponsored rebellion.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/10/2001:

Michael Bay (sic?), the genius behind “Pearl Harbor,” is all excited about its release on DVD. He’s quoted as saying, “This is where movies will maintain most of their life.”

I think he’s forgetting the part CONTENT plays in the equation. After all, just because you put “Short Ciruit 2” on DVD...

But, I guess, an extra two months of life is an extra two months of life.

******

Daily Limerick 9/11/2001:

A man whom most women found icky

would constantly play with his dickie.

Now this fella, Skeeter

was a Wal-Mart greeter

(and customers found their hands sticky).

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/11/2001:

There a price for equality.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I haven’t any problem with equality. Just mentioning that equality has its own foibles.

Just look at all the Spanish-language stations these days. I used to feel sorry because it seemed Spanish-speaking people only seemed to have, well, perhaps two stations to choose from.

Now they have a bunch. Which is a good thing, but now these listeners have to deal with whiny do-gooders trying to censor radio they find “shocking” (despite the fact that, last I checked, every radio had a KNOB).

Welcome to Mainstream American Society!

******

Daily Limerick 9/12/2001:

A man at a barbecue boasted

of his cock--with which he then toasted

to his girlfriend, Jill

but stepped near the grill

and soon found his nuts were dry roasted.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/12/2001:

Holy shit.

For a change, I’m not rounding up obscure news today. I don’t think I need to fill you in on the top story.

And, as part of The Media, however a small part Daily Limerick might be, I feel it necessary to comment upon this. While I realize that few people watched the tragedy unfold and thought, “I can’t wait to hear what Daily Limerick has to say about this,” well, it has to say something, and if that something does anything for you, well, feel free to send this message to anybody and everybody who might feel the same.

Nothing like this has happened to my generation, or it’s before and after generations. Some people my age tried to make the space shuttle crash into our generation’s Kennedy assassination but... Not to lessen that tragedy, but going into space brings the implication that anything can happen and it didn’t entirely shock me at the time, despite the fact that I was rather young. Ironically, I think many of us now realize that the strange jealousy over NOT having a crucial event such as the Kennedy assassination as a bonding point was ridiculous. Only in hindsight can we all see that, well, it’s better to NOT experience such things.

Nothing, in fact, like this has happened to ANY generation. Pearl Harbor, at least, was a military--and not a civilian--location. Even the Oklahoma City bombing was... Well, not to rank tragedies by the number of people involved, but the twin towers of the World Trade Center--the World Trade Center, for God’s sake--are gone. Not damaged. They are no longer there. The Pentagon was hit, and largely gutted, by a plane. The Pentagon. Not a regional federal building, not a run-of-the-mill military complex. The Pentagon.

This is supposed to be the stuff of thriller fiction. And if it is true that something good comes out of everything bad... Perhaps we will wake up.

We’re not living in some insulated, peaceful bubble of paradise. Just because the Berlin Wall came down, just because our air strength made the Persian Gulf War make us look like the Harlem Globetrotters of battle--none of this means that we’re somehow immune to the scourges that effect much of the rest of the world.

All of a sudden, I feel ties to Americans that I never before noticed. I felt like saying “hi” to people on the street this afternoon. I felt like uttering more than the typical grunt to the neighbors. It’s a shame that it took something like this to shake me out of the raised-on-TV-so-why-bother-interacting-when-you-have-a-picture-box-to-help-you-pass-the-time attitude of modern times. Perhaps it will remind us that we’re not on some Paradise Asteroid, and we’re part of a wider world that most of use routinely ignore.

Funny how some of the things that divide us--and often divide us on very bitter terms--suddenly seem rather whiny. Liberals and conservatives. Vegans and hog farmers. Pornographers and religious censors. Cell phone addicts and cell phone haters. Hollywood royalty and indie film activists. Lawyers and fast food workers. Communists and Libertarians. Frat boys and gang members. Flaming homosexuals and fire-and-brimstone preachers. Politicians and anarchists. Anti-gun activists in northern cities and rifle hoarding hunter types in the rural south. Britney and Cristina.

Now and then, we should realize that we’re all really part of something, together. We’re at each other’s throats, amid our--let’s admit it, when we look at the world at large--lives of excess over things that most of the world can’t afford a passing thought to. New democracies see voter turnouts of more than 90 percent while we’re lucky, in the closest of national elections, to approach 50 percent.

Then again, I consider myself a patriot simply BECAUSE I complain and protest about everything for, without us squeaky wheels, nothing would ever progress. Slaves wouldn’t be freed, child labor would continue unregulated, women would be property... I need not continue.

Although tomorrow I’ll certainly return to complaining about something or other in my relatively posh life--again, BECAUSE I am a patriot--I’m currently taking a lengthy, jaw-dropping break from it, realizing how inconsequential some of my most strident pursuits are.

We need to keep this in mind every now and then. Before we return to bitching.

And let’s hope Slappin’ and Yappin’ doesn’t get serious like this again.

******

Daily Limerick 9/13/2001:

The world’s most reviled terrorist

of course tops the most wanted list.

But shithead bin Laden

does rape the downtrodden

and I hear his ass loves a fist.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/13/2001:

Behold the Power of Limerick.

Or something.

I’ve started to make a point with today’s limerick, so I suppose it’s time I move this little rant further toward the actual “point” part of things.

Humor makes a fabulous weapon.

That’s right. We shouldn’t be fearing folks like Osama bin Laden, lending them some sort of credibility or power or something. We should laugh a them. If we capture the rat bastard, we should surround him with some of our cruelest humorists--the likes of Dennis Miller and (unwittingly) Jesse Helms--and tell him stuff like, oh, how he curiously looks like Mr. Hankey (Mr. Hankey, for those who aren’t in the know, is a character on “South Park” who is... Well, a talking and singing piece of excrement). Stuff like that. Surround him with witty barbs and insults. Hell, call Don Rickles in.

As I don’t believe in the death penalty (but I do believe in the justified, occasional death by military attack), I think this would be much more cruel. We can take our most despicable criminals and verbally rip ’em a new **hole a couple times a week.

You can see how this works in your own life through a simple exercise. Next time you’re in an argument with your significant other, friend, mistress, masseuse, bookie, insignificant other, etc.: laugh. Don’t get angry and yell back. Laugh. At them. At yourself. At the ceiling fan. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Ho ho ho ha!

That pissed people off more than anything. They’re mad, you’re not. They’re getting more and more pissed by the second and, although that tends to happen in fights, it’s considerably multiplied thanks to the fact that YOU’RE not getting mad. Part of the appeal of starting a fight is to make the other person upset for a while. If you don’t let that happen--if you in fact let the OPPOSITE happen--well, you’re winning the fight.

Think of it. Rather than fearing and demonizing (or bleeding-heart-liberalizing) about these school shooting monsters, we make merry at their expense. “Hey, so you shot up the school because nobody likes you and you couldn’t get laid? Well, smooth move Ex-lax! Whaddaya do when you’re hungry? Go on a hunger strike? Oh, people REALLY love you now, there, shit-fer-brains! Oh, and you think you’re gonna bed down women NOW? I’d get a little Novacaine for that rectum there, pal, or there’s gonna be a whole lotta pain for you!”

Ha! Take that!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/13/2001:

The following came in before, well, the events of Sept. 11. I wasn’t in the mood to attempt a witty answer yesterday:

>Radios aren't the only things with knobs, y'know! In fact, yesterday I

>discovered -- quite by accident -- that doors also have knobs. If you don't

>like the room your in, you turn the "knob" and suddenly, you find yourself

>outside. Then you have to call the police to let you back in, because your

>keys are on the table. Then they find all these pills in the dresser, and uh

>..... well, when I was being arrested for possession of controlled

>substances, and was put in the cruiser, I noticed the police radio also had

>a knob. All the stuff coming over the air was so offensive to me! Robberies

>and assaults and speeding! They wouldn't turn it off, though.

>

>Okay, so I made that story up. I admit, I just wanted to hob-knob with your

>superior readership! Okay, now you can arrest me. I'll go quietly into the

>dying of the light.

I think you ARE a knob. (Evidentally, I’m not quite in the mood for witty responses even yet. Or ever, for that matter.)

And here’s a reply to yesterday’s thoughts on the Sept. 11 events:

>Right on.

>-K

K? That message was actually from Jesus!

Actually, the e-mail address is spelled much like Jesus, although I think it’s French.

But anyway, I haven’t heard “right on” in some time. But, in my reply to your reply, I must say:

Heavy. Cosmic. Perhaps even--and I don’t want to throw this term around lightly--dare I say... Tubular!

******

Daily Limerick 9/14/2001:

A lovely young lady from Europe

climbed into her male gynie’s stirrups

but she got suspicious

when he yelled, “Delicious!”

and whipped out some fresh maple syrup.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/14/2001:

A couple predictions about Americans’ reactions to the terrorist events earlier this week:

1.) Lawyers will be suing the owners of the airlines and the owners of the World Trade Center, etc. (in essence, as usual, making a buck off tragedy at the expense of those who are only tangentially to blame) and are in fact laughing maniacal laughs and rubbing their hands in anticipation; and

2.) Cell phone companies will use the positive role cell phones played in the tragedy toward their twisted plan to put a cell phone in the hands of every man, woman and child at all times (even during operation of vehicles, heavy machinery, or surgery tools).

Okay, I’ll admit that cell phones did, for the only time I’ve ever witnessed, play a positive role in things (sorry, I know NOBODY who’s used one to save a life but far too many who have to let the world know they’re gossip while going through crosswalks without a glance to either side). But this is what they’re SUPPOSED to be used for.

Anyway, I think it’s also time to admit that much of the fault for the boming is our own.

And, yes, that’s a little like saying, “She asked for the assault--walking through one of the worst neighborhoods in the city at 2 a.m. in a mini-skirt and heels, drunk off her ass and all alone.” Of course, nobody DESERVES violence and I’d hope no court in the land would ever use that argument to declare anyone not guilty.

But, let’s admit it. We asked for it.

We’re going to blame the government and the airlines for not protecting us. But this is a democracy. WE’RE the government. Fifty percent of us, at the very most in presidential elections, even bother to vote.

A government body where we’re lucky if even 50 percent of us show up for session, and we wonder why it’s inefficient.

Call in the League of Geniuses to figure that out, if you must.

Why are our airports insecure? Because those of us who elect our representatives don’t care. The only hubbub about airlines we ever causes is over the airlines costing too much (which is why they pay near-minumum wage to security workers) and not being on time.

Terrorist activity is nothing new. The fact that certain groups of people hate America--and feel they can reach heaven by giving their life to kill Americans--is not a new discovery. Journalists have successfully carried exact replicas of guns onto planes for investigative reports.

But what do we bitch and moan about to politicians? The price of gas. Gary Condit’s sex life. Violence in the fictional, la-la world of Hollywood movies. Joe Camel.

I’m not saying I’m better than the next American. I wasn’t exactly an advocate for airport security or anything.

But in assigning blame, we all need to look in the mirror, too.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/14/2001:

>Hi, John. I just wanted to thank you for such a great column today, with

>much-needed perspective. Maybe events like this will finally wake us up to

>the fact that we need to pay attention of the whole world, not just what's

>happening down the street. <sigh> I still can't believe it ... the Twin

>Towers .... gone.

>

>My heart, love and prayers go out to all those involved. I just hope that we

>don't knee-jerk this into WWIII. We need to stop and listen to what's going

>on, not just bomb away. Nothing is going to bring those people back ...

>adding to the death pile isn't going to help.

>

>What a time for George W. to be the friggin' president, huh?

>

>Mike

I have my own opinions about how we should pursue, er... a way to rectify the situation that cause the tragedies but... I don’t want this to turn into some public access, dirty version of a public access CNN-style discussion panel...

I believe in retribution with military, but only if it’s done intelligently. Bombing Sadaam Hussein whenever a president needs some approval ratings isn’t my idea of “intelligently,” though.

But I do think, although one can easily argue that the administration is not competent in many, many ways, that we’re not so bad off, as far as military matters are concerned. And the president is really mostly a figurehead when you think about it.

But, again, this column is not meant for matters that are too serious.

Bin laden molests children and sucks elephant cock!

(Now THAT’S the maturity level we’re going for.)

******

Daily Limerick 9/15/2001:

There once was a girlie quite pallid

who was seduced by one man’s ballad.

She soon turned quite rosy

from head down to toesy

when he flipped her and tossed her salad.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/15/2001:

Just after the September 11 tragedy, most cable channels shut down and went with news from their parent company (I think there are three of those now).

Hmm. Why didn’t MTV go with their highly journalistic “MTV News” team? It blows my mind.

Oh, and the only channels that kept running programming were... Well, I’ve already forgot one, but one was Lifetime.

I guess some people were watching “Della Reese: Intimate Profile” while the largest slaughter on American soil since the civil war unfolded.

Why do so many folks around the world hate Americans again?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/15/2001:

In response to my efforts to once again become immature through making fun of a the world’s most notorious terrorist:

>Ooo! I wanna try!

>

>Elephant Bin molests laden sucks cock children!

>

>Damn ... it's hard getting a hang of immaturity.... phbbbbt!

Some things make fun of themselves.

Oh, and the same guy also checks in with:

>As for the limerick itself: truly a Knott's landing!

Now, why do you have to bring poor, innocent Don Knotts into this?

******

Daily Limerick 9/16/2001:

A young Vegan bimbo, quite rude

was scolding the meat eaters’ food

at a picnic. Rita

blabbed on about PETA

and soon found her tits barbecued.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/16/2001:

You know what I’m sick of? I’ve heard these discussions on the radio and such about “who’s patriotic.” Heard these commentators saying that people who are criticizing America and stuff about America are somehow not patriotic.

As far as I’m concered, although I’d volunteer my journalistic skills in a second to go cover the battles that are bound to occur soon, I’m going to continue you the skills that have proved to be my strong points as my effort at keeping America going and exercising the rights we hold so dear. Yes, I’ll probably pull punches on some issues but, if somebody, including the president, does something I see as outrageously stupid, well, I’ll still sound off (although I doubt that’s going to happen).

But, although this whole experience has mellowed me as well as most others, I’m looking forward to bashing such American institutions as Hollywood and corporate culture as soon as possible.

If you think, that’s not patriotic, well, go live under the Taliban. They believe in making sure people don’t criticize their country, too. You’ll fit in well there.

******

Daily Limerick 9/17/2001:

It’s true that when you’re hot you’re hot

and, too, when you’re not, well, you’re not.

When life’s daily plot

has you on the pot

then you give it all that you’ve got.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/17/2001:

Today’s limerick was brought to you by...

Well, it’s a version of a twisted little song that was popular on the playground of my youth.

Now, if THAT isn’t corny. “The playground of my youth.”

By the way, does Burger King now own “The Partridge Family” and anything associated with it?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/17/2001:

>The funny thing about the Taliban is they tally up what to ban! Okay, that

>wasn't so much funny as eye-crippingly stupid. Is crippingly a word?

I think you need to take a good crappingly.

******

Daily Limerick 9/18/2001:

A smug fast food worker named Ross

one day got pissed off at his boss.

Boss ordered some nuggets

Ross dropped trou to tug it

and served them with his special sauce.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/18/2001:

I just have to take this opportunity to lay into the peaceniks.

(I know I said I’d try to steer clear of the tragedy stuff going on but... Well, I didn’t say I could be perfect with it.)

Now don’t get me wrong... Peace is the ideal option. I’m against the idea of bombing innocent people, with no real solution to a real problem, for popularity points. And I know many folks, friends and acquaintances, who are peaceniks regarding the current situation. I know it sounds bad to say, “Some of my best friends are...” but in some cases, like this one, it’s true. I hang out with a lot of poets and crap, for Destiny’s Child’s sake! But we can disagree, can’t we?

But there’s gotta be some heavy military action here.

Bein’ peaceful is all fine and good, but there’s a time and place for it. This is not Vietnam--interfering in another nation’s war that has no direct on us, picking one evil government over another because the other happens to have a communist flavor to it. This is not about attacking a government with highly ridiculous levels of oppression because it’s invading a government with moderately ridiculous levels of oppression that happens to be freer with its oil supplies.

This is about groups of people who, if we continue to sit around pretending that the greatest problem facing our world is the outcome of the next lame-ass orchestrated-reality “Survivor,” will next be dropping bombs to cause anthrax in a three-state radius.

Ah, but some will sit around, especially a lot of college students who’ve just read their first newspaper story not in the features section, pickin’ flowers, blowin’ hooch, singin’ songs, pondering love and acceptance over a package of Corn Nuts--and, of course, engaging in the proverbial shootin’ of the heroin into their genitals--sayin’ we should just sit here, “Violence begets more violence, dude! Other people deserve their culture, dude. Yow! I just accidentally pricked my sack good with that syringe!”

Sure, other folks deserve their culture but... Does our P.C. committment to diversity really include people stoning women who appear outside showing too much ankle? Is “culture” really deciding that independent thought is evil? Is “culture” really destroying ancient Buddhist statues? I guess mold is a form of culture, too.

I’m all for minimizing casualties among the innocent but... Let’s get real. Innocent people died at our hands in World War II, but I think it’s a much better option than sitting here with the needle in the nuts while saluting Hitler’s son.

Destroy the Taliban. Destroy Saddam Hussein’s regime and all these other dangerous ones. Sure, other evil governments will arise, but we’ll just have to keep on destroyin’. Eventually, knuckleheads will equate backing a nutball regime with being bombed to shit. Even a dog eventually learns, after being smacked in the nose by a newspaper a few times, to stop jumping on the dinner table. Show us at least a semi-decent government and, yes, we should give you some sort of aid.

And you know what? To those who say, “Who’s to say our culture is superior?” Well, I have problems with American culture, and I think other cultures have a lot of things on us but, hey, I’m not afraid to say that I AM better than some rockhead who things free speech is an evil thing. Screw all your touchy-feely sayings, judging is okay in these clear-cut circumstances. While I believe strongly in being kind to my fellow human, the Golden Rule and all that jazz... In fact, I believe in God, just don’t see what the hell that has to do with organized religion.

In a way, I’m glad for the peaceniks because it contributes to an overall balance.

But I’ll cheer the Taliban being blown to smitereens while you’re rubbin’ flowers on your nipples. No need to thank the likes of me when your grandchildren aren’t blasted with a leprosy bomb or something someday.

******

Daily Limerick 9/19/2001:

A hot manicurist, Jane Phipps

was not in the mood to use lips.

Lusting for a waiter

to him she did cater

by giving him five oiled French tips.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/19/2001:

I’m sorry, but I forgot to acknowledge an important date on the calendar recently.

I’m not talking about Rosh Hashana, although that’s a fine holiday and all.

September 18 is the anniversary of Orville Redenbocker’s death in 1995.

Popcorn lovers the world over were thrown into a funk of depression with the news. I recall that he was in a hot-tub, although I don’t recall hot chicks being involved. Perhaps they were, and I imagine he, in such a case, would’ve been all hot and buttered.

I wonder if he had groupies. Popcorn groupies. A rather obscure life endeavor, to be sure, but we’re talking the Price of Pop. The Colonel of Kernel. The Sultan of Salt.

So take time out of your busy day to remember the man. It’s too bad we don’t know more about him. Perhaps one of these damn sensational biography shows will start a new series, “Behind the Snacks.”

Actually, after watching any amount of E!, I wouldn’t doubt there’s a producer somewhere pitching it right now.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/19/2001:

>Careful, John! You're falling into a Mike's Mind trap! First, you're

>earnestly expressing your views, peppered with humor. Next, you're

>increasing the length of the column by leaps and bounds! Finally, you're

>talking politics!

>Good luck with all that. :) Well, maybe your readers actually have that

>survival impulse known as "humor." Godspeed, good sir.

Oh, I’m still fighting the urge to get all political at a time like this but...

Again, working on restoring the Daily Limerick’s immaturity level.

But thanks for the advice! Actually, I’d kill for more mail--negative or positive!

******

Daily Limerick 9/20/2001:

There once was a fellow named Chung

with an uncontrolable tongue.

One day, giving oral

to a hot slut, Laurel

he got the thing stuck in her bung.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/20/2001:

Now I’m not normally the kind of guy to get all nit-picky about words, politically correct and all that—which the 2.25 of you who actually read the Slappin’ and Yappin’ section should well know.

But I got a problem with the term “fundamentalist.” At least as it’s applied to pieces of feces with legs like Osama bin Laden.

Being a fundamentalist, it would seem, would entail sticking to the FUNDAMENTALS of religion. Like, in a Christian sense, believing in a literal interpretation of hell, with fire and brimstone and gnashing of teeth and all that feel-good stuff. Many Christians have interpreted a different form of religion as mankind has lived and learned, but the FUNDAMENTALIST goes right to the source, quite literally. Correct?

Now, I’m not exactly an Islamic scholar, but I do know a little more about the Koran than you might expect. And although, like followers of any religion, people slip on things occasionally, but I don’t think that killing thousands of innocent civilians for any cause qualifies as a good deed under scripture.

I was reading about the techniques used to identify the hijackers and such. First, I read of how they took DNA from the CIGARETTE BUTTS of these most holy of practicing Muslims. Thinking that a bit odd, I then read of the reports of their words before the attacks while they were DRINKING IN TAVERNS. Then, I’ve heard about the reports of them, from the women they received LAP DANCES from...

If you set the killing aside, I’d kinda like to join this twisted form of these cats’ personal religion. I think I could be a fuckin’ saint!

Why aren’t we enacting some sort of public service campaign for these brainwashed folks sittin’ around enjoying a morsel of tasty, moldy flatbread with their family over the course of two weeks as they worship a multimillionaire spending all that fuckin’ money for terrorist frat boys re-enacting some evil version of “Animal House”?

Fundamentals my ass.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/20/2001:

>That was the corniest Slapping and Yapping I've ever read!

Aw, shut up or I’ll pop you one.

******

Daily Limerick 9/21/2001:

A nymph on a cruise, name of Cusick

opened her ass for all the crew’s dicks.

Flatulence was let loose--

she drank pineapple juice

for she sure loved that Hawaiian music.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/21/2001:

Here’s Daily Limerick’s way of saying, “Peace and love to all!”:

I saw a photo in the newspaper recently with an extended photo caption. The picture was of some people waiting in line, at a bank in Shanghai, as the first mutual funds were going up for sale. There was a cop making sure the crowd was under control and...

Here’s the little bit of evidence that helps proved that people, no matter the differences in culture, are fundamentally the same:

The policeman was holding what appeared to be a donut.

Reach out and touch, somebody’s hand...

******

Daily Limerick 9/22/2001:

Our slutty friend worked at the circus

did long hours, and tried not to shirk us.

Some evenings went went

behind the big tent

and in her clown nose, she would jerk us.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/22/2001:

Okay, here’s my beef:

Across the country, or at least within the handful of places in the country where entertainment is controlled, we’re altering all types of arts to be more “sensitive” to the recent tragedy.

Video games, movies--anything remotely depicting anything about terrorism, etc. I thought maybe SOME people would like to escape, see the good guys trounce terrorists.

So, while we can flip channels at any time we choose to see footage of a real tragedy and its aftermath unfolding, but we’re taking special care to see that it’s avoided in the fantasy world. In other words, we’re attacked by folks who can’t stand the idea of allowing free thought, and we counteract that by voluntarily stiffling some of our own free thought.

Radio station moguls have sent out a list of songs that should be avoided. But, the networks are doing their big telethon tonight and... Sorry. I wouldn’t mind if we never heard from Mariah Carey again. Unless she’s appearing nude.

At the same time, radio stations are warned against playing “Imagine.”

The networks ARE to be commended for doing this telethon. And the performers. But, sorry, I don’t want to see Jim Carey and the Dixie Chicks and all that jazz. I’d rather celebrate some true, ingenius American artists.

For me, right now’s a good time to “imagine there’s no countries.”

******

Daily Limerick 9/23/2001:

There once was a man named Picard

who had a real huge St. Bernard.

Dames screamed when old Rover

did tend to roll over

(espec’lly when that boy was hard!).

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/23/2001:

I as watching a little MTV News recently.

I know, shame on me.

And they’re doing some coverage of current events. Which, don’t get me wrong, I commend (look forward to a lot of disclaimers in the near future before I proceed to rip something).

This must be difficult. First, they had to define “Current events” to all their “journalists...”

Oh, and by the way, I simply DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM CARSON DALY ON ANYTHING OF ANY SIGNIFICANCE IN THE WORLD. PERIOD.

Anyhow, I’ve noticed that MTV News should really be titled, “News for Dummies.”

Which is pretty sad, considering most newspapers and newscasts shoot for a sixth-grade reading level to begin with.

Okay, correction. MTV News should be called “News for complete and utter morons.”

******

Daily Limerick 9/24/2001:

A rather gay fellow named Stanwick

had a strong craving for a sandwich.

He met two young truckers,

both healthy man-fuckers

and made his own form of a manwich.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/24/2001:

I saw Lenny Kravitz on MTV2.

Speaking out against us staging some sort of attack to destroy terrorist networks.

He said something on the order of, “We have to learn to solve our problems through ways other than violence.”

Okay, I know there are an awful lot of musicians (and Gen-Xers, and Gen-Yers or whatever the hell) somewhat welcoming something like the events of Sept. 11. Thinking “here’s our Vietnam.”

Check your history books, folks. The only thing really in common between these two events is that both “Vietnam” and “Taliban” have three syllables.

And another thing: You’re not the fuckin’ Beatles, okay?

Most of these knucklehead musicians speaking out are really only a step up from commercial jingle writers.

Make some intelligent music that actually says something and unifies a generation and then we’ll consider what you’re saying about politics. Here’s a hint: There’s more to song lyrics than love and sex.

And, in the end, you’re just entertainers anyway. I don’t want to hear what ANY of you have to say about the situation, thank you very much. I mean, even John and Yoko were shacked up in five-star hotels for their “love-in,” making it a little hard to take them seriously when their “charity” was of such a nature.

Here’s an idea: Let’s take Lenny Kravitz and all these other knucklehead musicians and drop them off with the Taliban. They can negotiate, if that’s all it’s going to take.

Maybe they can (he he) stop the terrorism. And if not, well... There’s no shortage of brain-dead musicians to take their places.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/24/2001:

Checking in about the Entertainment Industry Telethon:

>The good thing about last night's telethon is Neil Young sang "Imagine."

>Take that, radio. (there was one more radio-banned song that was played, too

>-- can't remember what it was)

Okay, I’ll admit that’s a good thing. But it was counteracted by Limp Bizkit singing “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd.

Words can’t describe how much I’m shuddering to think of that one.

******

Daily Limerick 9/25/2001:

The nation’s united in grief,

we’ve turned over quite a new leaf.

But while we’ve all bonded

that cat, Gary Condit

has sure breathed a sign of relief.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/25/2001:

There’s been a lot of talk about those businesses who seemingly took advantage of the WTC terrorism acts. The “charity” scams on the Internet and such. Businesses charging twice the price for U.S. flags. Gas stations jacking up prices.

These establishments have been scolded and ripped--and rightfully so. But we’ve been suspiciously quiet about some of our politicians taking advantage in a worse way.

Members of the Chicago City Council have come out--again, taking advantage of a horrible tragedy--and called for prayer in public schools, at a time when the public is vulnerable, emotional and not quite at its best.

Yeah. A kind and merciful God punished us because we weren’t praying in school. Talk about mixing apples an oranges--no, mixing apples and leprous wombats.

These councilmen should be off buggering Jerry Falwell. If they aren’t already.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/25/2001:

In reply to my comments about Limp Bizkit destroying Pink Floyd to gain publicity in the wake of tragedy:

>Sorry, I missed that one. The second I saw Durst, I swallowed 23 aspirin.

You had a headache, too? I thought Durst could’ve used an Anvil on his head. Er, I mean, an Advil for his head.

******

Daily Limerick 9/26/2001:

There once was a fellow named Rawls

who’d fondle himself in the malls

he’d wait for a reason

(the short-skirted season)

and inwardly cry, “Let’s play balls!”

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/26/2001:

Today it’s again time for Slappin’ and Yappin’s... GOOD NEWS!

(I know, that’s a terrible name for this recurring feature, so e-mail me with any ideas for a good one.)

In this unnamed... Er, lame-named feature, I take time out of my usual format of bitchin’ and moanin’ to say something good about something or other (even if that comes with a hint of disgruntlement).

One--More sitcoms are now in production that LACK LAUGHTRACKS! This was my novel concept, which I’ve held for years, thinking that maybe instead of piping in phony laughter to help people laugh, that the overpaid knuckleheads in network think-tanks might actually try something truly revolutionary--writing something that’s actually funny!

Two--A suit brought in the State of Illinois under an obscure, outdated law seeking to “censure” the TV show “The Sopranos” for somehow managing to reach out and slander all Italian-Americans through make-believe characters and story lines WAS THROWN OUT OF COURT! Here’s a hint, oh chowderpumps with a little too much free time on their hands: If you want to better the world, do something which helps REAL PEOPLE instead of theatrical ones. (Although it is commendable that you are championing the rights of such a downtrodden minority in America, what with Italian-Americans begging on every corner, wasting away in crack houses and what have you.)

******

Daily Limerick 9/27/2001:

A girl from when she was a tyke

found lesbian thoughts in her psych

so she started a show

where her feelings could grow

that she called her “Downtown Open Dyke.”

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/27/2001:

I’m thinking of instituting a new DL/S&Y semi-regular service, translating the REAL meaning of song lyrics.

Let’s start with Kenny Rogers’ “Lady”: (I don’t know why I picked this one.)

“Lady

I’m your knight in shining armor

wanna rip off the armor and bang the hell out of you...”

Er, perhaps this will be a one-time service.

******

Daily Limerick 9/28/2001:

A girlish cheese farmer, Eugene

had farm decor that was quite keen.

’Twas many a yarn

’bout men in his barn

so they dubbed him “The Dairy Queen.”

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/28/2001:

Tomorrow is Jeanine Garofalo’s birthday. I don’t know if I spelled it right. And I don’t care.

I bring this up because I wanna bang her. And I don’t understand why.

By the way, for our lady subscribers, I hope you’re not offended. I know many women don’t like the term, “I’d bang her,” when said by guys, but, hey, I don’t like bees a whole lot but they’re a fact of life and we have to deal with them.

At the same time, as a married man, I WOULDN’T bang Jeanine Garofalo. The expression means, basically, that “If I met BLANK, and BLANK took a shine to me, and me and BLANK were at a point in our life that we were seeking somebody to bang, without creating an infidelity, I would most certainly bang BLANK.”

It’s not that Jeanine’s not pretty or anything. But she’s not like J-Lo or Carmen Electra or anything, where you can safely assume that pretty much any heterosexual man would like to bang her.

She’s a member of an elite crew of women I’d like to bang. And bang well. Bang quite nutty, in fact. All of whom I don’t understand why.

Tanya Harding is in this club. As is Sandra Bernhart. Laura Bush and Hillary Clinton as well.

I think the situation would make a great theme for an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries.”

I even have a poem about one of them (written quite some time ago):

Tanya Harding turns me on.

Not sure I can tell you why.

I could be her long red nails

or the beckon in her eye.

Pure white cane sugar trash.

I’ll bet that she’s a monster in the rack

while Kerrigan has hang-ups left and right--

she’s got a deal with Disney, you know.

Spare me women weaned on Disney

who as children sex was ruined

and give me a female temptress

weaned on classic Loony Tunes.

I want her now.

Nails and all.

Aggression unrivaled.

Tanya Harding turns me on

not sure I can tell you why.

******

Daily Limerick 9/29/2001:

Wondr’in’ why the ol’ Taliban

oppresses the dames all they can?

Have you seen their faces?

Keep girls in their places

to get more than their Tali-hand.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/29/2001:

I saw some utterly horrifying photos in the newspaper today of starving children in Afghanistan and I think I have a solution:

STOP HAVING SO MANY FUCKING KIDS! Wouldn’t it maybe be better, considering food is as rare as originality in sitcoms over there, to maybe try to have fewer kids? I know that education is lacking there but it’s quite simple. IF INDIVIDUALS ARE HAVING TROUBLE EATING, HOW THE HELL CAN A FAMILY OF EIGHT FARE ANY BETTER!

Oh, I know this is insensitive and all, but I have your attention now. And I still mean it, but I must elaborate.

Why don’t we bomb the general populace with CONDOMS and BIRTH CONTROL PILLS for God’s sake? Oh I know their religion forbids that and everything, but we’ve learned the way to rectify the ridiculous in religions: Let’s bomb them with some goddamned books in their language! Okay, so the literacy rate is low, LET’S BOMB THEM WITH AUDIO TAPES AND TAPE RECORDERS! Until people learn enough to relegate the whacked-out, ultra religious assholes to crappy, money-grubbing TV shows and incest-laden, racist-ass families with their head up their asses, NO AMOUNT OF GODDAMNED FOOD IS GOING TO CHANGE A FUCKING THING IN PLACES LIKE THAT!

Sorry, this isn’t funny, I suppose. But neither was the recent Onion.

Well, it WAS funny, but funny tinged with serious.

Is that angle working?

Or do I have to say something like OSAMA BIN LADEN HAS A HEDGEHOG IN HIS RECTUM FOR KICKS, SHITS AND GIGGLES!

You made me do it.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/29/2001:

It seems my comments about wanting to... er, make sweet love to certain individuals without knowing why has struck a chord with some readers. Here’s our Staff Letter Writer checking in:

>I quite understand that thing known as "being male." Hell, sometimes when

>I'm listening to a Garbage record, it's like I'm having sex with Shirley

>Manson. I should make a pun here, to diffuse the honesty of that statement.

>Shit, what a time to come up empty.

Hmm. As long as you’re not fantasizing about CHARLES Manson. That would be too much. Or at least that would be something you should most certainly keep to yourself.

Oh, and here’s another reader checking in on the subject, too:

>I think it's a "thighs" thing with several of those selections you

>mentioned, which, btw, most strike the same chord with me (except Sandra

>Bernhardt and Laura Bush, altho I'd pop the one who plays her on "That's My

>Bush!"...).  If you've seen Tanya's video, you'd have to say that enthusiasm

>and those thighs must be her best features.  Maybe Jeanine G's is her

>attitude and sense of humor.  Or her thighs, I dunno.  Imagine (as I'm sure

>you have) all of them together for one orgiastic extravaganza!

>No charge for this pocket pseudopsychoanalysis.

>Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think of it

>again. -Goethe

See? Even Goethe thinks this way!

Anyway, the Thigh Theory, by Mr. Pink Freud here, is strange. I’m generally not a big-thigh guy. At all. But maybe I’m a big thigh guy trapped in a leg man’s body and perhaps I need a support group for that. But I’d have to move back to California to find one.

Now, you’ve done two things that are dangerous to my mental health. You’ve suggested ALL these women together AND you’ve rekindled my memories of watching the Tanya Harding wedding-night extravaganza.

I may have to shower six times a day for a while.

******

Daily Limerick 9/30/2001:

It’s time to make Saddam Hussein

into one gigantic blood stain.

His big hairy ass

undoubtedly has

a higher IQ than his brain.

***

SLAPPIN’ AND YAPPIN’ 9/30/2001:

One of my neighbors is not doing her civic duty.

No, I’m not talking about the fact that she’s not flying the U.S. flag, although she’s not.

She’s not appearing nude in her window.

Yep. I think she should. When I’m out at night, smoking my cigar, I see her up there. And I’m not entirely sure she’s good looking. But still, she should do her part for guys like me and appear nude in front of the window now and then.

Now, I’m a married man. I don’t want to DO anything with her. Even if, when I see her close up, she’s fabulously gorgeous, I don’t want to do that. In fact, I don’t particularly care if she ever says a word to me.

But she needs to start pulling her weight in unifying the country. Making others feel a little better. It’s the golden rule. Or something.

Do your civic duty, ladies! Occasionally appear nude in the window!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/30/2001:

I forgot to include this letter earlier. It’s some nut referring to my try out of a new service of translating song lyrics into what the writer REALLY meant:

>You call that service?

Yes. And I consider myself a member of the service industry, too. But even telemarketers are now calling their disturbances “services” these days so, take it with a pound of salt.

By the way, last chance for a year to wake up singing “September Morn” and still be accurate. Take advantage of it (but not too loudly if you live anywhere near me).

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I’d be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I’d send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks—a milestone I’ve already past! At this point, I’m not entirely sure why I’m continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop—so perhaps I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks—one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles or elsewhere), let me know!

***

©1999-2001 John “Sloop” Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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