Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2002

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also our new "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a lukewarm attempt at an e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

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***

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2002:

It's time that I started to write

just G-rated lim'ricks--Lim Light.

No more should I rhyme in

cocks, titties and hymen

(hey, look at today's date--yeah, right).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2002:

A miracle is not always a good thing. Not many people know this.

You see, there are good miracles and there are evil miracles.

"Baby Bob" is still on the air.

If you don't know what type of miracle that qualifies for, you just may be financing the cultural terrorists.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/1/2002:

>Sloop have you gone mad.

>

>Don't you spell it T-W-A-T?

Actually, I spell it R-E-L-I-E-F.

Believe it or not, DL actually received a SECOND letter today. This is a record-tying edition!

>A newspaper rip-off story:

>

>One time, a comic called Fred Basset was in the paper. Then it suddenly

>wasn't. Hundreds of angry seniors called and clogged the office phone lines

>for weeks. Only a brave few survived.

I myself was one of these brave souls who survived the ordeal at the Daily News of Los Angeles. And now the flashbacks are returning...

"I had no part in the decision... I love Fred myself I... I... And I'm sorry the 'One Big Happy' was offensive... Again, I had nothing to do with it..."

Whew! It was all just a flashback!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2002:

A college boy, Darcy MacGregor

attended a wild, honkin' kegger.

Some cheerleader girl

who ignored his world

got shit-faced and he got to peg her.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2002:

Question: Does anybody really like "Ziggy"?

I'm just asking because it floats around in the Chicago Sun-Times classified section and I'm sure it's also in other newspapers. I'm sure newspapers pay for the privilege of running Ziggy, you see, but I'm sure they'd get a much better rate to run something like, say, a limerick or brief Slappin' and Yappin' in its place. (Feel free to write your local newspaper and ask them to carry DL or S&Y.)

I wonder because Ziggy is undeniably the lamest newspaper comic around. There's "Love is..." but at least you can clip one of those out and increase your chances of getting laid. And there's "Rose is Rose," which has content on a lameness level as Ziggy but at least contains good art work.

Some comic strips try to be funny and often fail. Some try to be cutesy and often fail. But Ziggy... What the hell is the purpose of Ziggy? I'm serious here--does anybody have any insights into WHY the hell Ziggy even exists?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2002:

Annoying it was to date Summer

(so P.C., the talk was a bummer)

but this air-head Vegan

for dates had guys beggin'

(rumor says she gave a great hummer).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2002:

I recently moved and have a whole shitload of stuff to put away (perhaps even two shitloads--at least a shitload and a half) so, in case you haven't noticed, I've been keeping S&Y kinda short and (bitter)sweet lately. But I've come to a point where I've jotted down notes on stuff to sound off about and many of them are timely and, well, I have a handful of things to touch on today...

A recent study found that violence among youth increases with an corresponding increase in TV viewing. Of course, idiot politicians who are too stupid to solve any real problems will use this study to harp about the violent content on TV. But could it be that the more TV you watch, the worse an overall citizen you become? Why don't they also study the effects of TV watching on education, job success, non-violent crime...

I have once again seen a newspaper headline (these come around once or twice a year) declaring that "Full Figured Women are Back." (As opposed to, "Full Figured Women GOT Back.") I think this is written into the Guidebook for all Mass Media, under "Politically Correct Obligation." Now and then, a medium declares that larger women are "in," and, sure enough, that never really happens.

Now, I don't have a problem with fat women, or fat people in general. But, and I hate to break it to you, the majority of people are attracted to thin folks. Of course, there's someone for everyone. And I think the real problem is inside people's heads--thinking that attractiveness is everything. Some people are smart, some people are dumb. Some people are handy, some can't fix anything. Some have great senses of humor, some are duds.

It's called life. And not everybody can be considered attractive, so get used to it. Plus, considering the raging obesity problem we have in this sit-on-the-couch nation, is it really so bad that "thin is in"? Do we really want to encourage more people NOT to worry about diet and exercise?

This particular article also mentioned that, recently, a handful of magazines for the full-figured woman, such as BBW, Mode and Radiance, all went out of print or experienced significant financial difficulties. There's a reason: "Full Figured" women are NOT in. Sorry to break it to you. But if you are "full figured," realize that you probably have a better personality, sense of humor and level of intelligence than most of the women in the pages of Vogue.

Oh, and to all of you blaming the "media" for "image problems" among women: It ain't the media. Time has proven that, if you take a "full figured" woman and put her on a magazine's cover, it doesn't change the world's perception of the "full figured." It sends the magazine's sales down the crapper. The media puts thin women on magazine covers because--prepare to be shocked--WE FIND THEM ATTRACTIVE!...

There's a book out now called, "The Boyfriend Training Kit." It includes a point system and stick-on stars to reward good behavior. Have we learned nothing from the fact that one of "The Rules" authors, who subsequently wrote a book about "The Rules" applied to married life, is getting divorced?

Guys: If you find your chick with the book--unless she's a book reviewer or can make a good argument for possessing it with fun-making intent--dump her NOW...

"Rudy Park," one of the better current comic strips, has made recent jokes at the expense of the term "Whassup." (There's a recurring character who thinks he's hip but is remarkably behind the times in his "hip" dialogue.)

Now, comic strips are... Shall we see, on the opposite of the "cutting edge" these days (unfortunately). Well, this "Rudy Park" incident at least proves that comic strips, as out-of-it as they are, are more "with it" than Hollywood. Witness the commercials for "Death to Smoochie" that have Robin Williams yelling "Whassup!"

First of all, it was from a FUCKING COMMERCIAL. Secondly... How long ago did those commercials stop airing?...

Cartoon Network has put an embargo on showing cartoons featuring "Speedy Gonzalez" because, well, I guess any Mexican cartoon is somehow now politically incorrect. There's actually a Latino Web site protesting this decision as Speedy, after all, is one of the smart characters--ala Bugs Bunny and Road Runner, he manages to thwart the inept "villain" characters all the time. According to the Network Idiots... Er, Executives, many of Speedy's friends do bad things, like smoke and drink. (Excuse me, but when did they pass a law mandating that all entertainment should double as a dose of "After School Special" style preachery?) These execs also claim that some of the characters, like "Slowpoke Rodriguez," perpetuate negative stereotypes.

So, whenever a minority character appears now, he or she can't exhibit any negative tendencies whatsoever--even if they're minor characters? Is it politically incorrect to portray minorities as HUMAN? And, considering that most "mainstream" Americans today are too stressed out, suffering heart attacks and strokes at earlier and earlier ages, is a character who's slow or lazy really a bad influence?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/3/2002:

>I defer to the Simpsons:

>

>   Homer:    All right, all right.  Who took the funny pages?

>   Smithers: [reading to Burns]  So Ziggy goes to the repair shop,

>             there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'.

>   Burns:    Heh heh.  Ah, Ziggy.  Will you ever win?

>

>So, in that respect, no, there IS no use for Ziggy!

Or, if my may quote the always erudite Spice Girls with their (almost) Ziggy reference:

"I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want...

Yeah tell me what you want, what you really really want

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

What I really really really want's a zigga zig ah!"

Those lyrics, in their own way, testify to the importance of Ziggy. Somehow.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2002:

An ol' backwoods hermit named Rex

had went so damn long without sex

he went online meekly

to big city weeklies

had an escort Fed-Ex-X-X'd.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2002:

Oprah Winfrey has declined an invitation by President Bush to visit the Afghanistan schools. It seems Ms. Winfrey doesn't believe there's a solid "guarantee for her safety."

Once again, celebs: The terrorists are NOT after you. Although they're supremely brainwashed, whacked-out-of-their-skulls and living with showerless and with their only romantic liaisons generally coming from goats, even THEY are smart enough to know that YOU DON'T REALLY MATTER. Take an hour or two out of your days to distance yourselves from the hordes of yes-men you surround yourselves with.

I don't see bin Laden in a cave reasoning: "Hmm. Oprah is coming! She's the leader of all those pathetic housewives with little better to do all day than heed her every beck and call! Now THERE'S a true source of American power!"

In fact, the safest place to be during elevated terror alerts is probably Hollywood. (Although Oprah's in Chicago, she's arguably a part of Hollywood.) New York and Washington were attacked for a reason. Plus, Hollywood execs share some common tactics regarding free speech with the Taliban, it seems. (And they probably want the U.S.' lowest common denominator continually lowered--it only weakens us.)

Of course, it would be hard to hide Oprah. (Talk about easy targets--of which I myself just indulged in!)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2002:

The best thing about April showers

is not the May blooms they empower

but promise of skin

when spring time kicks in

prompting wonderful May de-flowers.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2002:

The Chicago Cubs have their home opener today.

Once again: They are NOT going to be champions this year. Or next year. Or ever. Ever.

Of course, if there's peace in the Mid East by late summer, the Cubs may, of course, win. (May being the operative term ,because I'm not sure which event is less likely.) But when they do, don't look forward to any celebration or discussion of the event. Don't look forward to any extended pull-out sections in Chicago newspapers. Because the entire universe will end at that very second.

Of course, the Chicago Tribune company has big tarps or blinders or whatever the hell up so that rooftop spectators can't see the action so well. Why? They say security purposes (studies show, evidently, that terrorists have an intense fear of tarp, I think) but, well, it's mainly because they're the Tribune Company.

Wrigley Field will be packed for every game. Therefore, the cheap bastards at the Tribune company have no reason to put together a championship team.

That's exactly how they want it.

The Cubs will never, ever, ever in the history of mankind be a championship team. Period.

But they'll be a cash cow until the end of time.

And, if you truly, really want the Cubs to become a championship team, here's what you should do: STOP GOING TO WRIGLEY. The only language the Tribune Company understands is money. And as long as you're going out to Addison and Sheffield.

The Cubs will never win. Never. Ever.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/5/2002:

Referring to my disjointed, endless babblings of yesterday:

I look how you came full circle with that one. Paint a few more circles, and

>you've got yourselves a bull's eye!

Hmm. You've sent in enough of these inane letters that you've already painted yourself as a bull's winkin' brown eye!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2002:

The Peace Process is a big fleece

they're hunting each other like geese.

Get used to the war

but perhaps a whore

would give you a nice Mid East piece.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2002:

Why do great radio personalities have such Godawful taste in stuff?

I could cite some Chicago personalities as examples, but for the benefit of all readers, I'll use Howard Stern as an example. (You may not agree that he's a "great" radio personality but check out your local examples.)

Maybe it's necessary, to some extent, that these personalities don't seem to like very much because one of the prime aspects of appeal for Howard is that he rips on everybody in Hollywood, pretty much. (Unless they're a hot chick that comes into his studio.) But after hearing him blab on and on over the last few months, saying he likes movies like "She's All That" and stuff, hearing him hanging out with the host of "Fear Factor" and stuff...

Soon after Charles M. Schulz died, he went on and on about how Peanuts were stupid. And now I recently heard him saying "The Simpsons," probably the best-written show on all of television, was dumb.

Surprisingly, I found his show "Son of the Beach" to be pretty funny when I happened to see it. But...

"She's All That," thumb up; "The Simpsons," thumb down?

As I said, I could go on and on with examples. Just wondered if anybody knew how poor taste because a pre-requisite for radio personalities.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/6/2002:

Concerning yesterday's anti-Cubs rant, seemingly becoming a seasonal thing:

>Aw, c'mon! There's always, uh .... The White Sox...

Well, the Sox aren't much better. But they don't have the Tribune Company as a strike against them and...

I'm not even a baseball fan. Not even much of a sports fan. But Cubs Fever just... Amazes me.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2002:

A man-hating chickie from Norridge

enslaved her sperm donor in storage

so when the time came

for kids, this ol' dame

could whack of her slave for his porridge.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2002:

I read earlier today about some anti-Israel protesters in downtown Chicago the other day (or at least anti-recent-Israeli action protesters). I guess that some burnt Nazi flags.

Hmm. Is burning the Nazi flag offensive to Jews somehow? Did they also burn an effigy of Yasser Arafat--and I only didn't read about it?

Or is it offensive that they simply had Nazi flags? Did their Nazi flags touch the ground or become worn, and thus they were being offensive to Israel by taking proper care of such a flag by burning it?

Or does anything go in protests today?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2002:

A slut who looked like Betty Rubble

chewed gum in wads larger than double.

She'd chew up some Bazooka

and suck you like a hooka

(afterwards, she'd blow a jizz-filled bubble).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2002:

I thought of a GREAT line to use, should I ever start fooling around on my wife.

(A DISCLAIMER: I don't intend to fool around on my wife, so feel free to use the line.)

Here's the line, used after some woman expresses hesitation with dealing with a married man: "Oh, HER? (Gesturing to my wife, or a picture of my wife, or whatever:) She's just my wife. There's nothing going on between us!"

Given the nature of marriage, it's actually a mostly true line as well...

Hey: Didn't the RIGHT used to be the ones protesting our cozy relationship with Israel? Just checking...

I'm going to start a new traveling show utilizing nubile late-teens: Up with Peepholes!...

Went to my new "local" post office today. It's conveniently located in the area of my zip code where most of the people DON'T live.

And this government organization was of no help with a) tax forms and b) registering to vote. Also, the recorded message (no need to actually answer the phones there and take precious time away from sandwich eating and crossword puzzles) said there WERE tax forms at the branch.

There's some telling details here for those wondering how we can trim government waste.

The days of the pony express are over. Nepotism and incompetence do not necessitate a government organization.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2002:

There once was a fellow named Dieter

with chicks was a real bottom feeder.

But he found a scam

to tickle his ham:

He became a Psychic Breast Reader.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2002:

I was reading this morning about Warner Brothers sniffing around this one high school reunion in the Chicago area as they are planning a reality show based around this reunion. Then I read about a guy who was "auditioning" for the part but was averse to Warner Brothers "conditions."

There you have it. Anybody with the capacity for basic thought has a lesser chance of appearing in a reality show. That goes a way toward explaining a lot.

And what's with the concept of "auditioning" for a "reality" show.

I wish I could do auditions for MY reality. There'd be a lot of people and corporations who just wouldn't make the cut...

I almost got excited today when I picked up my Sun-Times and read that Blackhawks had almost secured a playoff berth.

Then I remembered that half the teams in the NHL make the "prestigious" playoffs.

Sports fans, I know we've had some animosity. (The biggest influx of negative letters to DL came when I ripped the idea of "fair weather fans" by alleging that it's one's right and duty to ignore a shitty team, just like you'd fire a shitty plumber.) But, attempt doing this, at the very least: Ignore the regular season of any sport that has approximately half the league's teams make the "playoffs." Or at least take the "joke season" less seriously. It's a cold, calculated ploy to profit more off never-ending playoffs and render the regular season, in essence, meaningless.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/9/2002:

>Aw, c'mon. You'll be glad of the post office someday when you're mailed the

>divorce settlement! Oops... :)

So, are you saying I'll be glad because said settlement will be lost in the mail? Or is this an attempt to tie together yesterday's S&Y topics in a "Pulp Fiction-esque" kinda way? (I, by the way, prefer my fiction with no pulp--so nothing gets caught between my teeth.)

Still, the Post Office doesn't get my stamp of approval. But I'll keep you postal.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2002:

There once was a horny old swinger

who'd call every party a bringer.

So, "bring your own booze"?

Why no--put please choose

to bring your best beaver or dinger.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2002:

I actually missed public transportation.

Actually, I never completely stopped taking public transportation. But Chicago is sorta like a "New York Light"--it's not completely possible to get absolutely anywhere on public trans and it's not nearly impossible to get around with a car and parking rates and all. But, considering the sketchiness of the neighborhood my sketch group rehearses in, before I made my last move (within the city) I'd drive or my wife would drive me to the rehearsal space. Plus, we had parking and it was easy. Around evening, going to a neighborhood outside the business district didn't necessitate dealing with a lot of traffic and...

In reality, though, sketchy neighborhood aside ("sketch" having no relation to "sketch" comedy--it's not as if people are walking the streets in drag and doing zany things), I walk generally just as far in the neighborhood from where I'd park as from where I get off the bus. So, since I live in an area with lousy parking now--where you keep your car if you have a good spot and don't have to move it for street cleaning on Thursday or whatever--I've taken the elevated subway and the bus to my destination for rehearsals and I've discovered that I missed taking public transportation everywhere.

That's hard for some people to understand. And I'm not just talking about people who grew up in areas without much public trans, or areas where public trans is perceived as "lower class" (like Los Angeles). I know people who've grown up in and around Chicago but STILL take their car almost everywhere and avoid public trans at all costs. Personally, I grew up in the country, the middle of nowhere, where even calling a taxi was difficult and somehow I ended up loving the idea of public transportation.

I take a little more time getting places, or at least some places like my rehearsal spot--but I don't consider that time "wasted." I do consider time in a car wasted--I can't read or do anything while driving other than curse at the other bad motorists.

And it's more than that. As somewhat of an introvert, public transportation gets me around people. I see what people are reading, overhear their conversations.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/10/2002:

Replying to S&Y two days ago, in which I stated that, in light of all the Israel bashing recently from the Left, "Hey: Didn't the RIGHT used to be the ones protesting our cozy relationship with Israel? Just checking":

>The government of Israel is right-wing (possibly extreme) enough for 

>conservatives in this country feel cozy with them.

That's true, although one can easily argue that Israel is certainly more "left" than any other country in the region. But that's not the point, here.

The point is that, a few years back, bashing our cozy relationship with Israel was an activity common among the Right, and not the Left.

Could it be that the reason is... Bill Clinton was the main one dealing with the Isrealis? So our two major political "philosophies" aren't as much about issues as who's in the White House?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2002:

A housewife whose sex life was draggin'

went cruisin' in her station wagon

picked up a hitchhiker

who appeared to like her

gave that lucky dude a tea baggin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2002:

Concerning today's limerick: Does everybody know what a "tea bag" is? (Free invisible Daily Limerick T-shirt for the first to offer the correct definition!)...

People in Chicago are celebrating today because the Blackhawks officially made the playoffs.

Considering that only means they've secured a spot in approximately the top half of teams, isn't this like throwing a party for your son because he pulled off that tough D in English?...

A New York attorney has been indicted for helping to get out the messages of imprisoned terrorist Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman. Rahman heads up a terrorist group. The name will strike fear into your hearts: Islamic Group.

Hmmm. What, did somebody else use "Terrorists, Inc."? What kinda generic-ass terrorist group name is that?...

In this week's issue of The Onion, I was leafing through and noticed that they're still running ads for the Miami Ad School. Once again, folks: Quit making advertising look cool! It's absolutely un-cool! A necessary evil, yes, but you go into advertising FOR THE MONEY, not the "cool" factor! Next, they'll be running ads for telemarketing colleges, boldly proclaiming: "Be one of America's best-loved professionals!"

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/11/2002:

>Regarding public transportation: You're so traf-fickle! (ugh)

Oh yeah? Well you hide in that big car of yours and van-ish!

>And regarding this space becoming a forum of intelligent public debate: I

>believe that Slappin' and Yappin' should be CNN and not heard!

>

>Doing his best to lower the standards,

>

>Mike

Your wish is my command! I don't think anybody has yet HEARD a Slappin' and Yappin'! But enough of this CNN speculation. Just the Fox, sir.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2002:

An altar boy sought not to bother

his boss-priest--a man of the cloth-er.

So when the priest spanked him

he obliged, and yanked him

and soon priesty screamed "WHO'S your father!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2002:

There are two celebrities birthdays today and their personal contributions to my life constitute a palindrome (or something like that).

First, we have David Letterman, who has elicited many a "ha ha!" from me.

Then, we have Shannon Doherty, who has elicited many an "ah ah!" from me.

Ah, life's little coincidences.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/12/2002:

>Hmm, tea-bagging ...

>

>Doesn't that involve dipping your testicles into someone's open mouth?

>

>To hell with one invisible t-shirt! I'm gonna invade the factory and take

>them all! Ah ha ha ha ha ........ oh.

We have a winner! Er, well, we have a CONTEST winner, anyway, folks! So go out and get yourself a teabag tonight!

(The actual process is also called "steeping." So be careful at your video store--be absolutely SURE the flick you want to rent is titled, "While You Were Steeping.")

And, although I'll beef up security at the plant after your threats, I'll think you'll have a hard time finding it in the industrial district of south... Er, somewhere nestled among the trees and rolling hills of rustic Vermont.

>dear Dr. Sloop

>I'm a transvestite lesbian who was kicked out of the house by my mate when

>she found out I had ding-a-ling. She never new because I told her I was

>abstaining until I found the right person (I'm also really good at tucking

>away that pecker of mine. God I hate that thing!).I know I decieved her but

>I figured love would prevail.

>I'm so lost what should do.

>

>LOST

>

>PS Do you have a couch I can sleep on? possibly next to a TV with cable.

I suggest that you just chop off the old pecker. If you find out that you do, indeed, miss it, you can always get an adda-dick-to-me.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2002:

The Mid-East peace process lacks heart

it's constantly falling apart.

One side brings a zinger

each time--pull his finger

and promises are Arafarts.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2002:

Second City is putting on a 24-hour improv event to raise money for... I forget what. Something worthy.

So, I'll preface this by saying that I commend them for bringing money to a worthy cause.

But a bunch of people jumping around, all wacky, asking for suggestions, firing off stuff that gets laughs only because the audience knows it's "off the top of their heads," that is, due to a lowered threshold of laughter, kinda like when your second grader does stand-up at a school talent show?

Twenty-four hours of it!

Follow me around the house for 24 hours. You'll laugh just as much. I'm not saying I'm especially funny around the house. Just saying... Well, what I was saying. And I won't charge a cover.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2002:

There once was a fellow named Reggie

a big nerd who tried to be edgy

whenever at school

he did something cool

it was countered by the next wedgie.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2002:

The little change-ups in life can really throw you for a loop.

I was going over the job ads, an annoying, extra-time-consuming task I have to consume my weekends with now because looking for a job is much more tedious than actually having a job, and I was scanning along the titles. You know, "accountant"... "administrative"...

Then I went from "Executive Secretary" to "Fence Installer." And my mind suffered the mental equivalent of a flat tire.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2002:

Condolences for the Queen Mum

(though the Royal Family is dumb).

I'm sad that she's dead

but much more instead

'cause it was years since she got some.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2002:

Have you ever wondered what the literary equivalent of cheap applause would be like?

Well, it's here: Some character has conquered the bestseller lists with "Stupid White Men."

Hey guy: Could you have picked a safer topic? Did you put together your own focus group to come up with the topic? Applying for grants at some point? Trying to get The Guinness Book to add records in political correctness?

Something tells me that, he, himself, is white. And victim of the rampant epidemic of Guilty White Liberalism.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/15/2002:

Referring to yesterday's S&Y mentioning my "mental flat tire" at reading through the Help Wanted ads and going from "Executive Secretary" to "Fence Installer":

>Then you should have gone down a little farther: right after "Fence

>Installer" is "Flat Tire Repair."

Now, this may shock you, but I didn't see a listing for "Flat Tire Repair" in the classifieds. That's because--and this may shock you--the classifieds are not the same in every newspaper!

I would hope somebody with a flat tire would take a quicker route to fixing it than placing a newspaper ad, but perhaps I'm just being old fashioned.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2002:

That fishy ol' scent is quite smelly

from the Catholic church underbelly.

The whole thing's not right

but as a plus, might

provide a new job for R. Kelly.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2002:

Read a quote in the newspaper yesterday from some cat named "Max Bonecutter."

Now that name may cause dating trouble, given our extra-paranoid modern population (although violent crime has generally been going down while sensational coverage of violent crime skyrockets).

Poor guy probably has a hell of a time getting his first dates to the forest preserves for a nice, er, "jog."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/16/2002:

Putting in his two cents (of which the exchange rate, in this clod's case, is in line with the currency of Afghanistan right now) on the book "Stupid White Men":

>You damn right about about the "Stupid White Male" book. Hopefully there was

>sarcasm to that title, but probably not. Though I am a minority and

>politically leaning towards the left, I'm sick of this PC crap. I grew up in

>a conservative suburb and find liberals as narrow-minded as the ass-holes I

>grew up around.

I think both liberals and conservatives (two groups that have significantly twisted dictionary definitions) are all idiots. It's a sign of brains if you identify with neither.

But I don't think being a "Slappin' and Yappin'" reader qualifies you as a minority.

In reply to an e-conversation that began a couple S&Ys ago (if you aren't following, you don't need to be recapped--and congrats for having better things to keep on your mind):

>Oooooooh ... so THAT'S why my van's still on (mental) blocks.

>

>Wha'?

>

>Mr. Sleep-Deprived

I echo your sentiments: Wha'?

Why don't you break out your spare tire(d)?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2002:

Though Mid-Eastern blood falls like rain--ya'

have gotta look twice at Queen Rainia

the top babe of Jordan

(o'er protests, she's lordin')--

if it'd help things, Queenie, I'd bang ya'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2002:

I often watch the O'Reilly Factor. There's a lot I don't agree with him on but... That can be said of any commentator show. I do like when I happen to agree and he yells at some knucklehead over it.

He did a thing on this new Botox stuff--it's injected into the face and it conquers wrinkles. It was just approved by the FDA.

He asked this woman, who was on with a doctor from, surprise surprise, Beverly Hills (I think she was an actress or something but I didn't know who she was), to frown.

She could not frown. You can not make all human facial expressions after Botox.

In a few decades, with all this plastic surgery and stuff going on now, we're going to have some freaky, freaky people, mutated and sub-human, walking (or crawling, or perhaps oozing) down our streets thanks to plastic surgery today. Of course, they'll sue the companies because it's politically incorrect to think for one's self and a lot of people think the FDA is somehow a shining example of wisdom...

So the Supreme Court has ruled that virtual child pornography cannot be made illegal (more or less, though the legal issue is a bit more complicated).

I say, "Yay!"

Now, before anybody gets nutty... I certainly don't plan to take advantage of this. I think convicted child molesters should be locked away for their entire lives since I know of no sure-fire way to "cure" such a predisposition.

And, by the way, I support the illegality of "regular" child pornography because, well, a child is molested in the process. That's a crime. Not a free speech issue.

Should it be illegal for a filmmaker to depict a "virtual" murder? Of course not. If he kills somebody, films it and cries First Amendment, that's different--again, it's not a Free Speech issue. The amendment states "Congress shall make NO law" and it's pretty simple. Now let's get rid of the Puritan-ass "obscenity" laws.

Oh, idiots are already jumping and screaming that virtual child porn could "cause" actual molestation. But, once again, PORNOGRAPHY DOES NOT CAUSE PEOPLE TO ACT OUT (if it "does," well, that's the work of some sort of slimy defense attorney or something). Pornography is a substitute--I've went through some long dry spells and, during them, utilized pornography heavily. Did pornography increase my desire to get laid? Did it send me out a-rapin'? Hell no! It didn't even send me out to nail someone of questionable attractiveness and disease-free nature. It got me through the hard times.

In fact, I think some of these priests and other molesters, in between their sessions of experimental (and so far barely productive) treatment, should be given some virtual child porn. Same for people who may know they've got a "kiddie jones" but want to fight it.

Or would you rather have them shut up, bottle it all inside and just wait and see what happens?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/17/2002:

>My spare tire(d) isn't in my van. It's in my truck bed. zzz

If you're unfortunate enough to have been following this, you may have noted that this pun topic has went really sour, really quickly. It's revol-vo-lting.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2002:

That hot has-been Tawny Kitain's

inflictin' her hubby with pain.

Some mull her indicting--

she still looks inviting

and threatens to leave me a stain.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2002:

VH-1, desperately trying to find something, anything that might be as popular as "Behind the Music" was until they started focusing on folks with a history less exciting than that of the common mushroom, has been producing movies on musical subjects. It's currently advertising one about the record labeling controversy of the '90s, launched by a bunch of politicians' wives with pathetic Bill of Rights comprehension skills (an event which sealed my future vote--against Al Gore in any capacity whatsoever).

Mariel Hemingway was Tipper Gore.

Huh? Oh, sure, they look alike--in the elbows, I guess. Where was Sally Struthers?...

During the White Sox game the other day, the folks in charge of game music played a Whitesnake song. Which wouldn't be much of a big deal to anybody, except for the fact that the Sox were playing the Cleveland Indians. And Chuck Finley is an Indians player who happens to be married to Tawny Kitaen who was once married to the lead singer of Whitesnake (and made appearances in his videos) and, well, re-read the limerick for today if you don't know. (Damn--if I made my living off physical prowess, I'd have taken away her credit cards or done SOMETHING to ensure that word of this would never be made public.)

The Sox have fired somebody responsible. As we come nearer and nearer to the day when fun will become outlawed altogether. If we can't intimidate the competition in sports--well, we might as well all get neutered before puberty.

I would've given the guy a promotion. Especially in a sport like baseball, which is about as exciting as the Home and Garden Network.

By the way, concerning the saga of Finley and Kitaen, can you guess what happened next? C'mon. I'm sure you can.

I was thinking I'd give the answer tomorrow, but it's not exactly top secret information. She pleaded addiction (in this case, to pain killers). Thereby raising the shield of Political Correctness to deflect some of the well-deserved ridicule.

Nonetheless, as Homer Simpson might say, "Tawny Kitaen. On pills. Hmm..."

I see the media is making a big deal about The Rock becoming an actor.

And "pro" wrestling is... What, exactly?...

Whoo hoo! At long last, the National Hockey League is starting its season! A little odd, I know, to kick in a winter sport for spring time, I know. And really odd because they have a ridiculously long exhibitions season. Plus, not only do they fuse the regular season with the playoffs, but they actually eliminate a few teams in the pre-season.

I'm trying to remember why I was once a serious hockey fan and I now virtually ignore the game...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2002:

Many men, while they're masturbating

view something to spur the false mating.

Legs, ass, feet or rugs

but some pick up "Jugs"

which plenty find most tit-ilating.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2002:

Russell Crowe has announced that he wants to donate his brain to Australian scientists.

This one's just too easy. Feel free to make your own joke about it, readers.

I am assuming that he meant he'd donate his brain after his death. If he's proposing to do it earlier, well, I'm all for it...

Here's the text of an ad that appeared in today's edition of the Chicago Reader: "Seeking people to join protest of cat and dog torture in Korea. I have protest materials [e-mail address]."

Unless there's something I'm unaware of, eating cats and dogs does not necessarily mean that torture is involved. But what I'm more concerned with is this: What the hell are "protest materials"? Does he have some picket signs? Tickets to Korea? A big ol' bong and plenty of Birkenstocks?...

The Kevin Matthews radio show here in Chicago has a babe involved who goes out "in the field" for wacky stunts and promotions. Kevin was trying to "set her up" today and asked what she looked for in a guy.

One thing she cited was that she likes funny guys. But no comedians.

Hey, thanks Entertainment Industry for taking the average person's definition of "funny" out of comedy clubs...

Anne Robinson, the allegedly "tough" host of the "Weakest Link" is working on a movie based on her life. (Now, who in the hell asked for that?) And she wants Renee Zellweger to play her.

Perhaps she was prompted by Mariel Hemingway's VH-1 portrayal of Tipper Gore...

McDonald's is planning to open some "retro" style "restaurants."

Here's my problem with "retro style" anything: They're only retro in a politically correct way. For instance, I'm sure none of these new restaurants will allow smoking. And everybody knows that smoking was out-of-fashion in the '50s.

I'm torn, of course. On one hand, the whole Disney-esque re-writing of history for political correctness disturbs me deeply. On the other hand, well, in order to be TRULY retro, they would have to do things like, oh, refuse to serve African-Americans, or at least give them their own, shittier portion of the "restaurant" to sit in.

I kinda doubt that the McD's marketing folks are discussing that option.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/19/2002:

>A True Story:

>

>Back in high school, one of the metalheads had, of all things, a Whitesnake

>tape. It was so used-up that the white ink listing the songs was pretty much

>disintegrated. I recall snatching the tape from his hand, placing it on the

>dirty linoleum of the waiting area outside the lunchroom, and proclaiming to

>the post-lunch crowd : "WHITESNAKE SUCKS!"

>

>With that, I slammed my foot hard on the tape, which was standing up. A

>horrid glass-like tinkle came from under my sneaker. Everyone in the room --

>about 100 students -- fell silent. One of the tape reels spooled out halfway

>down the hall, leaving a line of tape from under my sneaker to the corner

>you take to get to gym. I was quickly written up, but suffered no other

>punishment.

>

>The End.

Interesting story. But, although I know this is a living, breathing cliché, I actually did kinda like Whitesnake--BEFORE they went MTV and songs like "In the Still of the Night," which is about as close as a band can get to covering a Led Zeppelin song without it actually being a Led Zeppelin song, exactly. I guess that's more appropriately called ripping off another band's very style--at least a cover song is honest in its intentions of making money off of somebody else's creativity.

There is something I must admit here: I myself was a "metal head," of sorts. But I was a little more picky than the average metal head, which actually made me a bit more pathetic than the average metal head as well.

For instance, I wasn't too much into the rough, devil stuff like Slayer. I wasn't even super keen on stuff like Metal Church and the other really distorted stuff (although I like an occasional song here and there). On the other end of thing, I completely despised the MTV hair band metal--to me, Bon Jovi and Poison were to metal what J-Lo and Cristina Aguilera are to Salsa. That is, "metal" for marketing purposes only.

So, in a nutshell, I basically liked Ozzy and Iron Maiden and Metallica. That's a pretty pathetic, narrow musical repertoire. Oh, I liked--and still like--a lot of "hard rock" from earlier days. In this manner, I share some things with Homer Simpson. Although it makes me feel guilty, I do enjoy a Bad Company tune here and there.

Once I got to college--or, my first miserable, failed attempt at college when I was 18--I got into other music of the time. Well, music from the '60s and such, considering it was the '80s and the '80s were a miserable time musically and the '60s were all "retro cool" at the time. Doors, Hendrix, Beatles. Got heavily into Pink Floyd, too. And I've blossomed since. I might say I blossomed like a flower.

So, I was a Teenage Metal Head. I probably would not have destroyed the Whitesnake tape. But I would not have protested, either.

And this marks perhaps the longest reply to a Letter to the Idiot in Daily Limerick history...

Today is the 227th Anniversary of the start of the Revolutionary War! Go out and celebrate! Kill a Brit!

Just kidding, of course. About the Brit thing.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2002:

A bad flick with Tia Leoni

had me yawning, stuck in a zone-y.

But as it kicked in

Tia showed some skin

and then I was sportin' a boney.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2002:

A headline in today's Chicago Sun-Times: "Not just Catholics--other faiths say they've seen abuse, too"

I read over the story and--surprise, surprise--all the faiths mentioned were Christian.

Hmm. Puritanical, sex-fearing society? Riddled with sexual abuse? I wonder why...

All this recent focus on Robert Blake reminds me of a childhood story.

No, it's not about the murder of a childhood sweetheart or anything. Not today, anyway.

There was a kid named Blake in our grade school. I didn't really know him. One day, I was hanging out with my friend and Blake walked by. My fried yelled, "Hey Blake the Fake Cake--what flavor are you?" (It has always amazed me how ANY name can prompt fun-making. To this day, I've never heard anybody called a "fake cake.")

Blake was one of those typical bully-lookin' guys. Reddish hair, freckles. He came over and pounded my friend into the pavement.

I just stood and watched. Didn't make the slightest move to help my friend. And it wasn't because I was particularly guilty about the "fake cake" slur.

In the years after that, we'd laugh about how I didn't do a damn thing to help my friend. And we'd laugh about how stupid it was for a pip-squeak to yell a slur--even a slur as lame as calling someone a "fake cake"--at a passing bully.

If you can find a moral or point to this tale, let me know, because I'd like to tell it more often.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2002:

A masochist fellow was oozing

with cravings for something amusing.

He got in his car

prepared to drive far

as he went cruising for a bruising.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2002:

Every week, I get this cheezy-ass "TV Preview" for the week in my Sunday Chicago Sun-Times. I don't even know why we keep it around. The listings are more up-to-date on a daily basis in the paper and you get a preview channel with cable anyway.

They get on these kicks where they promote certain shows. Not that Hollywood types would throw extra money around for extra coverage, or offer free coke or recommend a "blow-job-happy" intern for such purposes. Oh, of course not. But somehow, the crummiest shows get all this extra coverage.

"Life According to Jim," that comedic train wreck starring Jim Belushi, is getting plugged more often than Asia Carrera lately in TV Preview. (What? Who's Asia Carrera? Somebody told me that she's a porn star.) The Godawful show had a cover a month or two ago and I saw it plugged TWICE--on facing pages, no less, in this week's edition of the bird cage liner.

Again, it never occurs to Hollywood types to actually put together a funny show in order to get viewers. Nope, it's money or... Well, see above...

Hey! What the hell happened to Arbor Day?

I saw a reference to it in the "Blondie" comic strip but, otherwise, it's not on my calendar (although Earth Day is listed as being tomorrow and that would explain the Blondie reference).

By the way, I pleasured myself to the album cover of "Parallel Lines" by an altogether different Blondie once. (I hadda throw that out because I told that to my girlfriend--now my wife--and she felt the tale threatened to ruin the "innocence" of her childhood love for the band.)

Anyway, "Earth Day" reminds me of the smelly assed neo-hippies from my college days and I prefer "Arbor Day." Not to mention that Earth Day Nazis have sprung into being (although I won a tree through a poetry contest for Earth Day in 6th Grade). And there is a lesser-known Peanuts special about Arbor Day.

Does anybody know what happened to fuckin' Arbor Day?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2002:

Bin Laden, in his way of fun

has made for us another one

of his videos

this time, well, who knows

it could be with Pam Anderson!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2002:

The spring sun came out in Chicago for about a week or so (and then promptly went back to a winter-tinged thing) and with it came the reminder of why summer is bearable to me. You see, comfort-wise, ideally the temperature would never top 75 degrees--there are two types of people, and I'm a cold weather guy. I figure that, if it's too cold, you can always throw on a bigger jacket or another blanket. If it's too hot, and you're down to your birthday suit, you're pretty much screwed.

But summer does bring the showing of flesh, which I enjoy.

And when our brief warm weather spell hit, I saw the first Big Fat Ass sunning herself in public view.

I know that's not a nice thing to say. But I went into this not too long ago in a rant about "Plus Sized" models. Beautiful yet stupid people should not be reading poetry in public; wonderful but attractively-challenged individuals, if they must sun themselves, should do it somewhere the general public cannot view.

If you follow my rule, there's a plus side--you'll be at a lower risk for sun cancer. Also, although this might not be the nicest thing to say, I'll say it in the interest of honesty: If you're looking to improve your physical appearance, I think there are higher priorities involved than getting that golden hue, lady...

It's also time for my Annual Spring Advisory: Please, do not wear sandals if you have ugly feet. You know who you are. Especially you asswipes with the missing toenails and the cakes of dead skin hanging off and...

Eeew. Enough. You get the idea.

Also, if you're a man, please consider throwing those sandals away unless you're: a) From a, or traveling in, a desert country; b) flaming gay; or c) a professional gladiator. Thank you...

And while I'm on this kick, let me voice my opposition to a disturbing trend: Sandals and unpolished toes on women. I've seen it in ad inserts and such and therefore know it will be occurring on the streets. This ties into an overall warning about the world of fashion:

Do you really want a handful of gay guys in Italy dictating what makes women (who, of course, they don't really like anyway) attractive?

No? Okay. Then just listen to me and your problems are solved.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/22/2002:

Referring to my story about the Blondie "Parallel Lines" album cover and... Oh, just re-read yesterday's S&Y if you don't follow:

>That's the first time I've ever heard Debbie Harry and childhood innocence

>in the same sentence... Or was your wife blissfully unaware of the meaning

>behind One Way or Another? (lord knows i was)

Now you have me wondering if I STILL miss the meaning of "One Way or Another"? It's basically about stalking, right? Sort of?

But that "childhood innocence" stuff leads to all sorts of interesting naiveté. I still remember how shocked I was when my mom's friend told me that the Village People were gay. ("But they have a song called 'The Women' in which they talk kinda dirty about women!")

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2002:

The invention of the Web cam

would lift up spot news--Pow! Shazzam!--

or so many thought

instead, what its brought

is new twist on slammin' the ham.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2002:

I see this type of thing all the time: In my Chicago Sun-Times today, there's a story on a Telemundo knock-off of the "Real World." The report chosen to cover this was Lucio Gurrero.

Now, if I were at the Sun-Times and some big Free Speech court case comes up, I would expect them not to assign me to it--as an outspoken First Amendment purist, they'd figure my objectivity would be questioned. And that would be the right thing to do. If another employee brandished a "pro life" bumper sticker and was engaged in advocacy in that direction, they probably wouldn't be assigned to sensitive stories on the abortion topic.

But whenever a Latino-themed, African-American-themed, etc. story arises--send the Mexican (black, etc.) guy to cover it! I'm not saying that minority reporters can't be every bit as objective as any other reporters. But, consciously or sub-consciously, I don't imagine a whole lot of black reporters would like being known as the one who "brought down Al Sharpton," for instance. Racism from within minority communities can often outdo the racism from the outside in cases like these.

Not that there's much controversial in this instance. I mean, it wasn't a review of the show. But it kinda makes you wonder why Jesse Jackson got away with the ol' mistress for so long?...

I was reading today about these automated emergency systems in place in many large cities, whereby a system automatically calls individuals and businesses should an emergency situation arise.

Problem is, thanks to the telemarketers, I hang up within seconds of anything that sounds automated. Words like "important" don't really mean anything anymore.

This scares me a bit, but not enough to allow an automated caller to ramble for more than a few nanoseconds. And we can blame the stupid people for this.

Yup. If everybody had a minimal level of common sense, telemarketing wouldn't exist--because there would be no money in it.

Stupidity is extremely dangerous. And especially rampant.

Thanks, knuckleheads...

Fox is planning a new show called "Girls Club." Cutting-edge as it may sound, it's going to focus on--get this--a bunch of young, attractive lawyers.

This project has "disturbing" written all over it. But most frightening is the fact that here's another show glorifying lawyers.

Remember the likes of Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton? When entertainment championed the blue-collar kinda guy?

Could it be that more and more Hollywood folks have become the elitist louts that they once bashed, back when they were unknown and hungry and they just relate better to lawyers these days? Or is it the laziness alone--one lawyer show works and thus a zillion more follow? Is John Grisham innocent in all of this?...

I'm gonna come on out and admit that the audio component of certain commercial turns me on.

It's for Carson Pirie Scott (I think now known as simply "Carson's). I don't know if it's nationwide, but it's kinda like a Macy's, for those of you on the Coasts.

Anyway, in the commercial, usually right at the end, this woman sings "It's all inside" on the latest ad campaign. Even though the commercials change, the woman still sings at the end, in this girlie voice, "It's all inside," and it turns me on.

I'm sure many of you find this fascinating. But, the point is, there was a time, not too long ago, when I'd constantly relate these little things that turn me on to my (now ex-) girlfriend. She'd usually laugh but claim that it was annoying. The truth was probably somewhere in between.

So, for a very long time, I've lacked an outlet for relating my ridiculous little turn-ons. And now, I've discovered, I can do it in S&Y!

Aren't you just tickled purple?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2002:

Over the past decade we've faced

a breast implant surge--just a taste

of future to come

but these babes are dumb

for more than a mouthful's a waste.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2002:

It seems some knuckleheads in the Catholic Church--and that may be redundant, considering this is a religion that's about five centuries behind the rest of us, having just pardoned Galileo in the '80s--are decrying the "climate" of homosexuality among priests.

Hey, I know you backward-assed folks still don't get the fact that homosexuality is not a choice--perhaps you'll figure that out sometime in the year 3000--but, even given that fact, you've got a bigger problem here, folks. Child molestation is NOT the same as homosexuality. And there are plenty of heterosexual, and even (for lack of a better term) bisexual child molesters. You guys seem to have a preponderance of the gay type but, then again, you've created perhaps the world's largest boys' club, so what did you expect?

Ninety-nine percent of gay men are turned on by Tom Cruise; not Haley Joel Osmond (or whatever his name is). I know that logical thought, science and statistics are problem areas for your cats, but there it is...

That curly-haired girlie man from N'Sync (or is it the Backstreet Boys?) is now reportedly hob-nobbing with Beyonce from Destiny's Child.

This is high time for DC to take me up on my dinner offer.

I've heard from many women on the boy band thing, and it appears that Curly-Cue is by far the most attractive singin'/dancin' girlie man among the boy bands.

This only further confuses my attempts to figure out just what the hell women find attractive. To me, he looks like he just walked off the set of "Eight is Enough."

I know that I'm sure as hell not gonna be doin' Beyonce on a regular basis. But I like to think she's in good hands. Why not... Oh, I don't know. A writer for the Simpsons. Or Howard Stern.  Thom Yorke from Radiohead.

This is a tragedy. A complete and utter tragedy.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/24/2002:

>Don't say tickled purple! It turns me on. (and I think out here, "It's all

>inside" is used for J.C. Penney, which confuses me, because I thought they

>had gone bankrupt...)

You know, I think I screwed up. I think it is J.C. Penny and not Carson's.

There's also a Carson's Ribs. Mmm. Ribs...

Anyway, if "tickled purple" turns you on, how about... "Tickled black." Now, if that turns you on, well, you may want to go to the authorities.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2002:

If Sir Elton found himself on

a bender, with all money gone--

was left turning tricks

for sad, horny dicks

you could call each one "Elton's John."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2002:

There's a new social trend out there now. "Laughter Clubs."

People get together and laugh.

They don't bring in a comic (that might interfere with the festivities). They don't pop in funny movies. They don't tell jokes.

Somebody starts laughing and then everybody laughs.

Hmm.

Well, it has to work better than "Baby Bob." Although, if I ever start a "Blank Stare Frightened into Shock for the Future of Humanity" club, you can bet that I'll be poppin' in a few "Baby Bob" videos.

It's still on.

Be afraid. Be very, very, ridiculously afraid.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2002:

Ol' Ashcroft is looking to pass

another Amendment--how crass!

We simply must balk

at such shit-brained talk--

John sure needs a helping of ass.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2002:

Breaking News...

Despite the fact that the commercial spawning the catch phrase has now gotta be at least 15 years old, "Where's the Beef?" is still a favorite among lazy, hacky newspaper headline writers...

Reason for Cheer: AOL reports losses of $54 billion.

Realize that I have not met ONE person with service through AOL who does not complain about getting kicked off-line, not being able to connect, etc. But, as its constant media barrage reminds us, it is STILL, despite this fact, the most popular Internet provider. I hope this helps those of you looking to lose even more hope for the human race...

"ER" the other night displayed a new twist on the common sitcom Coastal Worshipping technique. One of the characters (I wasn't paying close attention) had to run off to, not South Dakota, not Atlanta, not Boston, but, surprise fucking surprise, New York, during the episode.

If you're not there or in L.A., remember, you don't really exist. Except in the same old, tired jokes bashing every other part of the country.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2002:

My question about Donald Trump

concerns the size of his crotch lump--

it seems his life's capers

include tall skyscrapers

so I think he sports a mere stump.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2002:

I read a story yesterday about Attention Deficit Disorder being used as a defense for...

Not getting poor grades in class. Not even smacking somebody in a classroom.

In fact, it had little to do with "attention" altogether.

Some lawyer is throwing it out as a defense for drunk driving.

Hmm.

So, can Robert Blake claim he suffered from Tourette's [SIC?--anyone?] and get off?

Thanks to the lawyers TV is all into celebrating, pretty soon, absolutely nothing will be your fault.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/27/2002:

Blah>I hate when writers forget about the states between the coasts. It makes me

>illannoy-ed!

I guess it bothers me because they forget all my friends: Andy, Anna... and I, oh, ah... it just leaves me in missoury.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2002:

A New York girl was so suspicious

it sabotaged all her sex wishes.

Instead of love making

she'd spend her time baking

gigantic penis-shaped knishes.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2002:

As I'm writing this, I realize I am going to be late, under the Central Standard Time commitment I have given myself for this endeavor. I also realize that none of you really care.

But, it is this commitment to Breaking News that sometimes causes a tardiness in the e-publication. A modern day version of "Stop the Presses!"

Well, at least it's Breaking Ramblings, if not exactly news...

Went to my parents over the weekend as my wife was out of town on business and, as Destiny's Child still hasn't taken me up on the dinner offer, it was the best thing I had goin'.

My dad recently bought a DVD player and he threw in a Benny Hill DVD for me.

I came to a couple realizations:

1.) Despite recent conversations with a friend/cohort in which we'd decided that Benny Hill basically works on two or three jokes repeated in different formats, I discovered anew that I still believe the man to be a comedic genius. I guess it's like the three-chord band that still rocks. I laughed my ass off.

2.) "Hill's Angels," Benny's dancing babes, and the babes on his show in general, well... turned me on like a goddamned neon light! I struggled and struggled to explain this in my sick little head.

It could be partly because they're very trashy. The Tanya Harding factor--only in this case is more Euro-Trash than American-bred White Trash.

And also... Well, they're so imperfect. There's a bevy of body forms. Ridiculously pretty too... Well, '70s porn star semi-pretty.

I'm seeing altogether too much Barbie-doll-esque perfection out of TV and movies today.

And, perhaps most of all, they have a VARIETY OF BREASTS! A Benny Hill-esque comedian in Hollywood would have "Hill's Angels" all bearing essentially the same breasts. (And, may I add, non-bouncing and supernatural looking ones, at that.) But these babies ran the gamut! Nearly flat to super-size. Nipply to not so nipply. Slightly saggy to ferociously firm.

Gimme "Hill's Angels" over "Baywatch" any day.

And curse you all, Beverly Hills plastic surgeons!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/28/2002:

>I'da ho what you're talking about!

Have you seen Anna Kournikova? I'd love to go there--MountAnna!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2002:

When famous folks go walking by

they never, but never, say "hi."

They hold high their heads

but then, when they're dead

we're somehow expected to cry.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2002:

I'll admit it: Today's limerick is an "elaboration" on a song. I don't know the name of the band. In fact, I think it's a rather small band--I used to hear the tune occasionally on a local radio station. But I did take some liberties.

But the overall topic came about because Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez (of TLC) had died and MTV/VH-1 are all acting as if John Lennon or Mozart or somebody has died. I think you all know my position on celebrities (bash 'em all you can--there's a million in line behind them if they can't take it) but I suppose the actual death of one calls for some leeway. So, Lopez has been dead for... I think two days now? At least one. And tragedy plus time equals humor, or at least bashing, so here goes:

I didn't know this until she died, but she got the name "Left Eye" because she used to wear a condom over her left eye as some sort of pro-safe sex gesture. So, especially considering her overall so we know that she had a social conscience.

I did a little reading between the lines. And I'll admit: Perhaps I'm wrong here. But why let that stop me:

I heard that Lopez had died in a car crash--in Honduras. So, I wondered, what was she DOING in Honduras? Then I read a newspaper story about it all and found out that she was down there working on a clothing line.

Can you say, "Sweatshop"?

You wouldn't want your social conscience to be TOO big...

I'm engaging in a personal boycott of Vivid Video. For those not in the know, that's an "adult" video company. Again, I'm not positive of all the facts here but, well, here this one goes (it kinda relates into the "Left-Eye" topic, as you'll soon see):

I heard a porn star on Howard Stern today. Now, I listened closely, and every other indication today seemed to be that this was a live show today, but the porn star in question was named Savannah. (I think she also had a last name, but I know that a porn star named Savannah killed herself a few years ago, so I wondered if this was a "current" show.)

Anyway, this starlet related that Vivid Video has (had?) a policy of condom use in ALL sex scenes (which, pretty much, means in ALL scenes, altogether).

Now, I certainly think safe sex is a great movement and all. But this is FUCKING PORN! It's a zillion-dollar industry, and I sure as hell don't want the real-life pains-in-the-asses we're experiencing to go ruining our fantasy worlds.

You people went into PORN! You're kinda like stunt people! If you don't wanna take the risk, somebody else will take it in each and every orifice for the zillions! And Vivid executives...

Admirable motives behind this, but... Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. And if this is true and current, I'm looking for the Vivid name when I rent, buy or pay-per-view.

And avoiding it.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/29/2002:

>I need to get a Jewish friend a book on how to cook and eat Matza. You know

>-- one of those Matza chew sets. (ugh)

(Ugh) is an understatement. I've heard that song before--and I still hate Da-coda.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2002:

A boy said, "Let my finger linger

in your navel," listening to Winger.

But soon, girl did cut in,

"'S'not my belly button!"

He said, "Oh well--that's not my finger!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2002:

Now, I've said it before, but I just have to assert it again: Cell phones are often catalysts of girlie man behavior.

(And, I'll say THIS again, too: A gay man engaging in behavior that would otherwise be declared "girlie man" is not in fact being a girlie man. As a straight man, I only feel comfortable questioning the manliness of other straight men.)

For instance, if a guy's walking down the street yapping away, and it's not a business call, he's bein' a big ol' girlie man. Men need a reason to call somebody else--making plans for that night/weekend, just ran into somebody they both know and something interesting happened, have a wife/girlfriend, etc. Women call for no other reason than "to talk." Nothing wrong with either attitude, just a difference. So I question all these guys getting off the train, two blocks from home, who just can't wait to get home and dial-up that baby immediately so we can all hear his petty conversation.

Now, I saw a guy talking on a cell phone WHILE EATING IN A HOT DOG JOINT. Not while awaiting his food, but WHILE eating.

How convenient. Having to take a call while chowing down; talking in between fries. I'm sure glad that, just as the commercials tell us, the quality of life is so much better now that anybody can ask us anything at any fuckin' time.

I wonder if the guy picks up during sex?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/30/2002:

>What? You want to come with us on the trip? Ah'll-ask-a if you can go.

I love Alaska. I saw a color ad--Oh, was it magnificent!

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed, twice! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

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If you want to be on John Biederman's, or Theater of the Droll's, e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles or elsewhere), let me know!

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(c)1999-2002 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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