Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2002

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2002:

Two men had a contest in sins

(the best sexual conquest wins)--

one nailed a lithe gymnast

but lost, for the litmus

was the other's bangin' hot twins!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2002:

I read an Associated Press story today which described how, in Israel, a bomb "ripped through a cafeteria."

So there are bombs with legs now?...

"Light" beer is a ridiculous thing.

Most people don't realize that, from a German beer connoisseur point of view, you're better off adding ice cubes to a regular beer than drinking a light beer, taste wise.

Let's examine what the hell light beer is. It's not really comparable to light cigarettes--light smokes have lowered tar and nicotine but light beer has the same amount of alcohol. And although light beer has fewer calories than regular beer, it's also not exactly comparable to "diet" soft drinks.

Until fairly recently, diet drinks could fairly be called "chick" drinks--most every woman, thick or thin, drank them. And, well, exceptionally fat guys drank diet beverages, too. More and more men are drinking diet these days, but there's an overall Pussification of America going on anyway, so that's not so odd.

Light beer, however, seems to have always been the choice of younger folks overall. Or folks who like to think they're young. Or women. Or really fat people.

Should they perhaps call it "cool" beer, instead of light?

And the "light" variety seems to have stuck with us. Other types, like "dry" beer, have faded away. Stuff like "Genuine Draft" still exists, but isn't nearly as big as it once was.

I'm not sure I have a point here. Just don't understand light beer.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/1/2002:

Concerning my comments on Martin Lawrence and his seemingly unthinkable Pot Frenzy:

> [A]fter you smoke enough of it, it completely FUCKS your brain chemistry. Trust

> me, I know. The average user of alcohol responds differently than the alcoholic, the

> average user of pot responds differently than the addict.

Good point. But Dr. Drew's column is in USA Weekly, not Daily Limerick.

 

> Also- Sosa is partly right regarding the day games affecting the Cubs. It does take more

>  out a person to play under the hot sun than it does to play in the evening, and if the Cubs

> are forced to do this more often than anyone else, it puts them at a disadvantage. Just

> because their CURRENT opponant is also playing during the day doesn't take into

> account

> the accumulative effect. THAT team will leave town, and another team, will come into

> town. The negative effects of playing under the hot sun has nothing to do w/ being

> Norsemen or Dominican or even Alien. It's harder to play under the hot sun than it is to

> play at night (or in an air controlled dome). Therefore, by the end of the season, the Cubs

>  will be more "tired" than another team who doesn't play almost ALL day games at

> home.... But, even if the Cubs played underground in a cooler, they'd still never win it

> all.

Well, that certainly is a point that I didn't consider. And, at first thought, there appears to be no logical reason the Cubs organization wouldn't even out the day/night ratio, despite the storied appeal of afternoons at Wrigley.

Until, of course, you consider this: Burning those lights costs money. And we are talking about the Tribune company, after all.

And, going back yet another day, in response to my belief that a an "All My Children" credit more befits a performance artists than the comedian it plugged:

>:) I thought performance art and poetry WERE comedy.

>

>Repetition Man

Only in the way that "Reality TV" is reality. Well, actually, in the OPPOSITE way that "Reality TV" is like actual reality.

Put THAT in your bong and smoke it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2002:

A strange chick was turned-on by cheese fries--

they cause her to drop to her knees, my!

At her hot dog stand

any knowing man

could have a fine order of sleaze fries.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2002:

If a famous rapper did putz

around with a knife--and make cuts

in places quite tender

with no hope of mend-er

he'd be "Eminem--without nuts."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2-8/3/2002:

I'm about to relate to you a story that contradicts a theory of mine.

The theory: God is a man.

Oh, I know it's all hip to think of God as a woman. I can't count the comics I've heard who've set up a joke about meeting God and then casually thrown in something in the ensuing follow-up jocularity on the order of, "so, I said to HER" to much laughter, no matter how often that comedic device has been used.

Even my wife shares my theory--the whole menstruation and childbirth thing does it for her. That is--God must be a guy if he gave chicks all these burdens. At the same time, if I were God, I might be nice to the chicks and give the guys the bad stuff. I don't know: Bangin' mortals vs. The Guy Code? Then again, bein' God would pretty much ensure that I'd get laid regularly, so, who knows? So that leaves another option: That God is a gay man, which has credence, too.

Central to my theory is a common situation wherein a woman says, "My, what a good-looking man!" only to find out, in short order, that he's gay. It's such a delight to watch the Pride Parade with my wife and hear her utter, "All the really good-looking men are gay!"

And I praise the Lord. And I don't praise the Lord all that often.

On the other end of the coin, most lesbians are... I shouldn't be stereotyping. It's not exactly that they're bad-looking or anything. Perhaps it's more that they don't dolly themselves up in a way that guys like, as a general rule. But, you can't argue with the fact that, while gay men often have women wishing these men weren't gay, most of the women who are lesbians... Well, we don't want them anyhow.

Now and then, something contradicts the other evidence behind my theory, however.

I think I've mentioned in this space before that, since moving into this apartment building with a very "Rear Window"-esque viewing situation, I've only seen a naked MAN, which didn't do it for me.

My wife, however, saw a topless woman. And she was kind enough to announce it to me, but I didn't make it in time.

Some evidence that God may in fact be a woman. Not a lot of evidence. But some.

More evidence came in the other day when I saw the woman she was referring to. Only she wasn't topless.

And she was HOT. Now I really, really want to see her topless. And bottomless, of course. But I'll settle for topless. Hell, I'll settle for a nightie!

Should I go buzz her? Tell her, "Hey, my wife saw you nude already, I'm just askin' for a little flash. Nothing more. Don't have a Web cam or anything." I could argue that she owes me--I'm tippin' you off to watch your state of dress in the window, so you don't end up on somebody's Web site, and you, in return, show me your rack.

Something tells me that would be trouble, though.

So I'll keep watching. And waiting.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/2-8/3/2002:

In response to my confusion over the existence of "light" beer:

>Light beer? Sheesh, why not just cross over to O'Douls and get it over with?

>Give me Guiness Stout or give me death!

Tastes great! Less (ful)filling!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2002:

Those "it" girls on "Sex and the City"

use digital help to be pretty.

Tech wonders do tinker

to iron out their wrinklers:

a she version of Walter Mitty?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2002:

I am not sure if the above reference to Walter Mitty makes sense in its context. Do you get what I'm drivin' at, here? Or what the guys on SATC are drivin' in, anyway...

I'd like to start a fun little driving game for all S&Y readers: Spot the vanity license plate that somehow cancels itself out.

For instance, somebody out there undoubtedly has a license plate that reads "TH BEST." No type there, by the way.

Think on such a license plate for a second.

I know there must be a license plate like this because I saw one that read "TH BEST 2."

A riddle, wrapped in a conundrum, doused with gas and sent into flames.

That's what it is.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/4/2002:

>If God is either a man OR a woman, we're doomed. :)

>

>And beer puns now, huh? Guess I should hops to it!

That one made me laugh, a little bit. Just barley.

And perhaps you're right, about God's sex (or lack of it).

But are you proposing that David Bowie could be God?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2002:

A porn man's influence was glacial

(won AVN titles for facials)

when protests said he,

"lacked diversity"

he shot a gang bang interracial.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2002:

With her recent popularity, stemming from her previous "fame," which came from doing, as far as I can tell, pretty much nothing, I have to go on the record here:

I would have to be paid to do up Anna Nicole Smith.

Really. I don't see the attraction one bit. Not a bad score for a 90-year-old, I suppose, but I don't even consider her very pretty, much less bearing a sexy body.

Once again: If gigantic breasts are all it takes to do it for you, turn down the lights, have a few drinks, and grab a couple of nerf balls. I envy the easy life you can look forward to...

Here's a telling mis-reading I had of a front-page, sports section headline: "[Such and such] Indicted into the Hall of Fame"...

Overheard from the TV in the other room recently: "And, we'll talk to Gwyneth Paltrow and see how SHE feels about Ben Affleck dating J-Lo!"

Life before and after Sept. 11 is pretty much the same, despite all the hubbub right after the attacks...

And I'll leave you with a question here: What's with the aliens and anal probes?

I understand that this is a staple of alien abduction stories. I don't pay much attention to these mostly rural, Southern, Jack Daniels-swillin' folks, but I don't remember hearing much about blood tests or vivisection or anything.

Somehow, it seems, members of the Great Race from Beyond seem to be ass crazy.

Squeal like a pig.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/5/2002:

I wrote, in reply to a suggestion that God is sexless:

>>But are you proposing that David Bowie could be God?

And the reply came in:

>Damn, I hope so. :)

Which might explain a lot of things.

My comment cracked me up originally because it reminds me of this old MAD Magazine readers' survey. (Of course, only now would such a thing actually exist, with MAD ultimately owned by AOL-Time-Warner, so it was, of course, a joke at the time.)

The survey asked for one's sex, with the choices as male, female or David Bowie.

Still cracks me up. I don't care if it cracks you up or not.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2002:

A girl grinded off with a fritter

then picked up a guy, who turned bitter.

His muff munching bout

popped fritter back out

(was turned off by her kitty's litter).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2002:

We're being deluged by "Reality TV" these days. In case you haven't noticed.

I, for one--and it seems more and more like I'm the ONLY one--find this a horrifying trend.

Oh, sure. It was an okay idea for stuff like "Survivor." An enhanced, game show feel, putting people in "danger." (There are quotes around "danger" for a reason.) But it's grown very, very old.

The general argument is that things on "Reality" TV are... well, "real." People need to be reminded that, once a camera is present and people know it, things are no longer "reality." These people who flock to shows like "Big Brother" and "The Bachelor" are far from average Joes, so this argument doesn't even hold up.

Other types of reality TV--like "The Osbournes"--are funny, but funny for a comedic sketch-length structure, really. There's one or two jokes and then it's over, unless you enjoy reliving the same jokes over and over again (and the success of "Austin Powers," I guess, seems to show that many people do like joke repetition).

Coming from a writing background, the first lesson one should learn is that reality is NOT, by its nature, dramatic. All of life's events don't necessarily contribute to an overall Life Plot. Oh, it may be, if edited--even the most "real" of biographies only focus on certain events. Reading every single thing that happened to somebody, no matter how exciting or famous they are, would prove to be rather boring. Even the "Reality" TV producers realize this--they edit this "Reality," knocking the "real" nature down yet another notch.

But the operative question should be: How did this happen (so we can put a stop to it sooner and prevent it from happening in the future)?

Some say it stems from old shows like "Candid Camera." Others attribute newer shows, like "The Real World." And, of course, the Hollywood System overall can be blamed because, after almost a century of Tinseltown Hacks making the rest of us writers slightly ashamed of our professions, I can't blame people for wanting something different than the typical sitcoms and dramas.

But I think we also have to blame improv for this.

Yup. People who want their comedy "in the moment." Unscripted. Sick of people who try to make them laugh in a cold and calculating manner.

But improv is only about as "in the moment" as "Reality" TV is "real," if you've ever seen an improv troupe perform a couple times, or if you know anything about improv rehearsal (yes, they rehearse) and training.

Improv paved the road for the television getting crappier (an occurrence that was unimaginable but a few years ago).

Oh, I don't know what my point is here. But improv is evil.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2002:

A girlie did feel so complete.

Her strict diet made her look sweet.

Most foods were forbidden

but still she was smitten

with the other OTHER white meat.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2002:

Now I'm not the kind of guy who's always looking for "proof" of Murphy's Law. Despite much of my blathering in S&Y, I consider myself an optimist. I guess I enjoy complaining because I expect so much more of people.

But I can't deny that certain things happen--on a common basis--that do confirm Murphy's Law.

For instance, now that I'm a married man, I can tell when a woman likes me and/or is hitting on me. And, for the record, this lady I ran into today was... Hubbala, bubbala boomski!

For the entirety of my single life, I had no clue. I was the guy who'd be talking with a friend after a party who'd say something like, "So, what happened with you and Sheila?" To which I'd reply, "Huh? Me and Sheila? Nothing. Why?" To which he'd reply, "Nothing? Man, Sheila is so hot for you, blah blah blah."

I, of course, would have noticed absolutely nothing to indicate that "Sheila" liked me. And if I pursued her the next time I saw her, she would no longer be interested, perhaps perceiving me as a shmuck thanks to my party time actions, or perhaps I'd just do all the wrong things.

One time, me and an ex girlfriend rented this movie called "Damage." In it, the Prime Minister of England--a married man, of course--has an affair with a woman. When he first meets this woman, she stares at him.

At that point in the movie, I remember thinking, "What kinda look is she giving him? Is she creeped out by that guy or what?" My girlfriend then said, "Oh--they're gonna do it."

Huh?

Which causes me to wonder how many times I've received "creeped-out" looks from strange women, not knowing that they wanted to be done-up then and there.

A friend of mine's girlfriend once described an encounter she had with some guy. She met him somewhere or other and they allegedly just both looked at one another, knowing they were going to have sex. And they promptly did.

Most disturbing is that she described this encounter as "one of those we ALL have a few times."

Uh-uh. I missed the boat on a lot of crap, somehow.

Now that I have a clue, I have a suspicion that a lot of male infidelity happens NOT because the guy is a horned-up, woman-conquerin' pig, and NOT because his wife "doesn't understand him," and NOT because of a mid-life crisis but, well, just because the guy thinks, "So NOW I have a clue about women and I can't do anything about it?"

Of course, to the would-be marital infidel, know that, as soon as you decide that, "I'm takin' advantage of this new perception," you will revert to the over-thinking, hint-missing nerd that you were before you were hooked-up.

You only have The Force when you don't plan on using it.

Curse you, ol' Murphy! Whoever the hell you are!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2002:

Some think that a chick dubbed a "diva"'s

a goddess, and no guy could leave her.

But given my choice

who cares 'bout her voice?

It's what she can do with her beava'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2002:

So it seems some guy tried, in a very half-assed way, to set Chicago's Dirksen Federal Building afire.

Ah, a terrorist attack from some Middle-Eastern fundamentalist?

No. An American.

Another American Taliban?

No. Actually, it was an American Liberal.

Luke A. Jemmot described himself as being on a mission to "reveal who George Bush is." Later, he said that, "Bush is the beast."

Now, I know there are Leftist terrorist groups, but this is different. There's a big difference between Leftist and American Liberal.

I guess terrorism is an equal opportunity field.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2002:

A high school horn-dogger named Stan

would pick up his dates in his van.

But why would he bother?

Most every girl's father

saw the van and altered the plan.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2002:

A couple was horned-up and free-a.

Once Freddy bent over young Mia

on the kitchen table--

banged hard as was able--

now they're not welcome in IKEA.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9-8/10/2002:

The Gores, that is, Al and Tipper (a pair who would make the current celebrity "reality" families look exciting), requested free tickets to see Bruce Springsteen.

Springsteen and/or his people said no.

So the Gore's ain't going.

Anybody out there still bunched up in their underwear about the last presidential election who still want to argue that Al's more of a "regular guy" than oil-rich Dubya?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2002:

To shine a belly button ring

(recipe for "Buffalo Fling"):

Throw meat in her oven

for 350 lovin'

pull out to spurt a dash of zing.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2002:

There's a lot of back and forth about whether or not we should attack Iraq right now.

I have a reason WHY we should attack ol' Saddam. And I haven't heard it thrown around a lot.

So that presidents don't have Saddam to bomb whenever the economy takes a dive or an intern scandal erupts.

Ahh.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2002:

A super large woman named Clayvin

has all the chubby chasers ravin'.

To mount her large mass

you must slap her ass

and ride the ensuing flesh wave in.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2002:

I witnessed some interesting local news banter the other day.

The local Fox affiliate led off talking about the West Nile Virus and how an Illinois resident had died from encephalitus, a result of the virus. Then, "Good evening. I'm [whoever the hell]," "And I'm [whoever the hell]."

And then, the real kicker:

"Encephalitus can be deadly."

Speaks for itself...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/12/2002:

>    That's  the best - nay, the only  - reason I've heard so far that makes any  sense.  And

>I'll bet at this point, GW2 is hoping that we DON'T find Osama  Bin Butthead right away

>(assuming he's not already dust in the wind, which is my  feeling), because...it's too

>long 'til the election!    

>

>Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to  think of it again. -Goethe

Perhaps the seriousness of attacking Iraq and finally getting rid of Saddam is because OBL will be a suitable replacement for the "Bomb in Case of Scandal" safety valve for U.S. presidents. He has certain advantages over Hussein, too--he's a moving target. So there's more variety. Bomb Afghanistan--we think we saw him there! Oh, time to bomb Iran--we hear OBL is in Tehran! Etc., Etc.

P.S. For extra chuckles in today's edition: The spell checker suggests, as a replacement for "Hussein": "Hussies."

I think he gets enough of them already, though.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2002:

A sleazy she-pirate named Rose

was of skull-and-crossbones' rare hoes.

From crows' nest, all seaman

would wait for the screamin'

that said she was near: Thar she blows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2002:

I suppose that you've heard about the "Mob Justice" or "Vigilante Beating" case (as dubbed by sensationalistic local news stations) in Chicago.

Well, the Rev. Bamani Obadele, next in line as CEAC (Chief Executive Ambulance Chaser) for Jesse Jackson's Operation PUSH, has blamed it on "lack of jobs" and "pop culture."

It couldn't possibly be that some people are just hopeless, trashy losers. Oh no. There's no money in it for the lawyers, in such a case.

"Lack of jobs." Come to think of it, being unemployed for so long, I often have to fight off the urge to rip some idiot driver from his/her car and beat the life out of them. It's only a natural reaction.

And Obadele also said we should go after the entertainment industry just as we have the tobacco industry.

This can't really surprise anyone. Especially since they're trying to go after fast food because, of course, you can't blame a will-power-lacking slob for his own behavior. How can you hold and individual accountable for his/her own behavior? That's SOOO America pre-1990!

Thanks again, lawyers.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2002:

A husband snuck off to see strippers

of lap dances, played double-dipper.

His lie his wife guessed

for when he undressed

his cock was still stuck to his zipper.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2002:

Quorn, a meat substitute (used in those Godawful veggie "burgers"), has been found to cause sickness.

This reminds me of a question I've always had: Why even BOTHER with a burger, or hot dog, for that matter, without meat?

In any event, you gotta love it when health food becomes unhealthy...

I read a newspaper story yesterday, from some wire service, talking about the next Academy Awards High-Schoolish Popularity Contest, and how it would be held in L.A. after all. There were plans, at one point, to have them in New York, as (from the story) "A tribute to Sept. 11."

Maybe they can start a new awards ceremony as a "tribute" to the bombing of Pearl Harbor, while they're at it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2002:

There once was a man with a mission

at first, it entailed only fishin'.

He met a dominatrix

who also did like to fish

and he took on another, sub-mission.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2002:

First off, I realize that "-trix" and "fish" makes for a very forced rhyme.

Consider it a lesson in how NOT to write a limerick, from the Professor...

Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York struggling hard to make a name for himself coming off the late-in-the-game-thanks-to-terrorism popularity of Giulliani, spoke out recently about smoking.

Now, I don't know all the details. Haven't seen it in a newspaper--just heard about it on the radio.

But my understanding is that he wants to (or has) banned smoking in New York bars (its already banned in NY restaurants without alcohol).

Once again, as the good people of California have discovered, people go to bars for their health. Alcoholism and sexually transmitted disease are one thing--second-hand smoke is too much.

Let's see. The economy's in the crapper everywhere. There's a threat of terrorism still looming in the air. The terrorists were offended by, among other things, our freedoms.

So, the intelligent thing to do is to further stigmatize a "bashing acceptable" minority and crack down on some of those freedoms.

Sorry. But, even with all that's happened, I don't particularly [heart] New York...

I just read the other day that Tom Clancy, and other high-profile writers, employ ghostwriters.

Hmm. Getting millions of dollars for doing what countless people would give a left nut to do for a living and you want to pay other people to do it.

The world has officially gone mad...

I just read that the new Star Wars (Episode II) DVD adds SIX HOURS of extra coverage.

Couldn't they have just made the next damn movie already? What the hell is on this? Yoda and Pamela Anderson?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2002:

If due to economy's loss

fast food is a way to cut costs

and you, off the clock

choose Jack in the Box

stay 'way from that mystery "Jack Sauce."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2002:

Yesterday, I went to a building in downtown Chicago that happens to have a manual elevator. That is, there's actually some elevator guy who runs it.

This has to stop. This is stupid. No, not just stupid. Butt Stupid.

Oh, some will argue that it's romantic. Nostalgic. And there are points to make to support that argument.

But, of course, they probably have to pay the elevator guy. Which would explain why, out of four elevators, ONLY ONE WAS FUCKING WORKING!

The automatic elevator has been invented, folks. Maybe manual elevators still have a place, but in some bed and breakfast kinda Vermont town, not in DOWNTOWN FUCKING CHICAGO!

File this under my "Fuck Nostalgia" file, along with carriage drawn horses.

It's not worth screwing up the rest of us, who happen to live in the year 2002, for a taste of the "Good ol' days," which isn't much of a taste when you consider the rest of your surroundings, anyway.

You're not churning your own butter, are you?

Well, then. There ya' go.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2002:

A man with a kink couldn't mask it

and worked up the nerve, for to ask it.

Then him and his girl

broke bones in a whirl

of passion in a Taiwan basket.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2002:

The Chicago Sun-Times "Weekend Plus" section, printed on Fridays, always asks a few Chicago-centric questions of a celebrity currently in town for a play or concert or whatever.

This week, they spotlighted Toby Keith. (A "new" country star.)

Toby spewed praise for Chicago. (Of course, it'd be unlikely to see one bash Chicago, even if he/she hated it, because, well, they're trying to bring more fans out to their shows.) Some of his comments indicated a displeasure for L.A. life.

Herein is the problem, with a lot of things these days: What the hell is a country star doing in Los Angeles? What happened to Nashville?

Still wondering why country music has gone "all MTV" on us?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2002:

There once was a fellow named Rex

who'd hit the bars cruising for sex.

Seemed a soulless game

'til he met the dame

who one day would become his ex.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2002:

It's my wife's birthday. So I'm supposed to be relaxing and spending time with her, etc., which is my excuse for a lame S&Y today (no excuse, yet, for the other 364 S&Ys of the year).

While I don't have the stereotypical male gene of not remembering important dates, so much, anyway, I do like to employ little tricks, just in case.

And when me and my wife lived in California, our area code was 818.

And, of course, I can't forget what wedding anniversary we're on because we were married in 2000.

This year's will be our 2nd.

See how that works?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2002:

There once was a fellow named Milt

who liked his chicks super tall built.

He went home with gidget

a drunken slut midget

and banged her while she wore some stilts.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2002:

Vince Neil, former lead singer of Motley Crue (excuse me for not adding the umlauts) stormed off stage recently.

It seems that he'd instructed the crowd to sing along with one of the songs on his solo album(s) and they didn't sing along because, well, they probably didn't know the words.

This guy should consider himself lucky that ANYBODY would show up to see the singer from a horrible '80s band SOLO--and without the rest of the nostalgia machine.

And he should wake up every day and thank Tommy Lee. If Tommy wouldn't have banged Pam Anderson, Motley Crue would already be a dead reference.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2002:

There was a young genius and loner

who made himself a perfect clone-r.

But, at 12-years-old

(as the story's told)

the clone bears perpetual boner.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2002:

Jill Arrington, a broadcast sports reporter, has posed for FHM, the magazine for guys who don't realize that magazines with fully naked women exist.

This turn of events kicked-up an argument (in fact, I think it's a law now that this argument has to kick-in whenever a famous woman poses nude or scantily clad): Is it degrading to women?

First of all, if we're going to time-warp to the early '80s when even most feminists starting giving up the pathetic theory, realize that even if this can be seen as degrading, it would be degrading to WOMAN, singular--Jill Arrington.

How come we never accuse spelling bees of being "degrading" to anybody? After all, they concentrate on just one aspect of a person's overall makeup? How come more guys aren't arguing that, when Donald Trump beds a supermodel, the whole thing is degrading to men--putting us in danger of being seen as mere "success objects." (Frighteningly, I have seen the term "success object" used.)

And if it's "degrading," it somehow implies the Jill didn't have a hand in it. FHM beat her senseless, threw her in a bathing suit (or whatever) and now she cries and cries...

Shut up. Just shut up.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/20/2002:

>The pairing of midgets on stilts and Motley Crue ... hmm, I'm wondering the

>connection. If they're like any other '80s hair band, there's gotta be one.

>:)

>

>Pondering

First of all, I don't usually match the limerick to the Slappin' and Yappin'.

But, this sounds like a great joke. Well, it sounds like a cocktail party kinda joke, anyway. "What do Motley Crue and a midget on stilts have in common?"

Anybody got a punchline to that?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2002:

Looking back, as old shows we study

now grown-ups, our kid view seems muddy.

We never thought twice-y

but now find it dicey

when the Skipper says, "Little Buddy."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2002:

I read somewhere recently about some Islamic converts who'd made a documentary on Mohammed and Allah. One problem they had was that Muslims consider it blasphemous to portray Allah (or is it Mohammed--or both--my note-taking skills were off that day).

This got me to thinking: Why isn't anybody portraying Allah in cartoons or stand-up or something, just to piss the fundamentalists off?

Highly politically incorrect, you're thinking? Well, people have done it with our Christian figures for a very long time.

But you must realize that there's an ambivalent attitude toward these things. It's just not right to make fun of people's religions. Unless, of course, they're Christian.

I don't consider myself a Christian, although I was baptized Catholic. I believe in God but I don't see what the hell that has to do with religion.

But I think that it should be open season on everybody's religions. Bludgeoning sacred cows, as far as I'm concerned, is the National Pastime.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2002:

The third violinist was quite

ogling her, Jaco turned to brute--

he played second fiddle--

while tune he did diddle

eyeing her, upon his skin flute.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2002:

Sign of the coming Apocalypse?

Chicago-area resident Lisabeth Rohlck gave birth to a baby boy in a Starbucks.

What a way to start a life. Now the boy just needs a kiddie cell phone and an SUV Big Wheel to run all the other kids off the road with.

By the way, why was a pregnant woman in a coffeehouse? Can't drink caffeine, but couldn't give up the "lifestyle"?

I know that Communist China is evil and all, but there may be something to be said for controlling just who is reproducing...

Last night, I overhead a promo for a morning "news" show: Eminem's new video--has he gone too far this time?

It's not exactly an original term, "gone too far."

Gone too far, my ass. If he does anything that causes him to sell FEWER CDs, then perhaps he's gone too far.

Otherwise, there's a thing called the First Amendment. If child pornography is in the video, perhaps THEN he's "gone too far."

Otherwise, media "professionals," please retire the term...

More news from the people who study things: Teens report that it's easier to buy pot than it is cigarettes or alcohol.

Duh! When I was in high school, pot dealers never carded me.

No need to re-evaluate the War on Drugs, though...

And while we're talking about the people who study things, another study found that approximately half of American citizens don't like their jobs.

Not only could I have told them that, but, if they were to regularly read Slappin' and Yappin', they'd already know part of the reason their sample gave for this attitude: It now seems there is never a real break from work, with cell phones and all.

So here's my proposal: To save money on these studies, just send me $100,000 and, for one year, I'll send your studying institution Daily Limerick (and Slappin' and Yappin'), so you can arrive at some of the same conclusions for less...

Have you noticed that many in the media refer to Saddam Hussein as simply "Saddam." (By the way, sounds like a good sitcom: "Simply Saddam.") I'm not only talking about columnists and such--I see it in actual news stories.

You've gotta be evil for this treatment. They do it with "Osama," too. But you won't hear Tony Blair referred to as "Tony," or Cheney as "Dick."

Ah, the perks of the Sinister Lifestyle.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/22/2002:

In reply to yesterday's assertion in S&Y that bludgeoning sacred cows should be the national pastime:

>So that's where baseball came from!

>

>Squirrely D

I don't exactly follow you. But bludgeoning a cow for the seventh inning stretch might make the game a bit more exciting than "Big Brother."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2002:

A girl thought she'd fall from boys' graces

when she had to go and get braces.

Got quickly to work

with boys, stud to jerk,

putting pubes in hard to reach places.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2002:

Does anybody know anything about Chisenbop? (Possibly SIC?)

When I was a shaver, there used to be a regular, news-break kinda thing that would air for kids during Saturday morning cartoons called "In the News." It would present little doses of news for children.

Anyway, one of these segments looked at a math system called Chisenbop. The system entailed tapping your fingers on a table or whatever in different orders to accomplish different functions. And, if I recall correctly, sometimes one or more fingers were raised, and out of the tapping flow of the other fingers, and somehow the whole, mysterious Chisenbop thing worked like a calculator. The "In the News" segment heralded Chisenbop as something that would revolutionize math in schools.

It's funny how I don't remember any other specific "In the News" segments, but every once in a great while I'll remember Chisenbop. But I don't remember hearing anything more about it since.

Perhaps the folks behind the system finally discovered the calculator.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/23/2002:

>Funny stuff. The "Saddam" thing is pretty stupid, but the news media folks

>keep doing it so no one gets confused with King Hussein, the head of Jordan.

>Like that guy has been in the news in the last 10 years, anyway.

>  -former media "professional"

I see. But it would seem to me that they could identify him as "Saddam Hussein" at the beginning of the story and then, in referring to him as "Hussein," there would be no confusion. But that entails using your head, I suppose, and perhaps I'm just old-fashioned.

- unemployed media "professional"

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2002:

A virgin found a man who licked her

just perfectly, before he dicked her.

Her screams shook the town

so much, up and down,

it registered on the scale Richter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2002:

I read a telling news story yesterday about Chicago public high school students.

It seems that most, when asked, indicated that they hadn't taken any college prep courses.

According to the school district, however, they ALL take college prep courses as a standard procedure.

It's hard to put too much hope in a system that somehow leaves its students unaware of exactly what they're studying.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2002:

There once was a fellow named Irving

for whom eating muff seemed unnerving.

When he finally ate it

she reciprocated

and he went for a second serving.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2002:

So the FCC, an organization founded to keep radio stations' wavelengths from being stolen, is now mandating the television-making industry to have "Digital TV" capacity built into televisions (and consequently, raising the price of a regular TV by about $250).

And we're somehow in shock that our government hasn't done so much about Enronitis.

The free market in action.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2002:

A girlie who lived like a saint

met a man whose charm made her faint

but he was quite green--

when they got obscene

he poked 'round and bruised up her taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2002:

There's this legal case in Chicago that goes back to the '70s. A cat named Gary Dotson went to prison for allegedly raping this woman named Catherine Crowell Webb.

Then, after he was in prison for about 11 years, Ms. Webb came forward and said that Dotson never did rape her--she had sex with her boyfriend and, I forget if she got pregnant or what, but for whatever reason, the sex thing was found out and she made up a story that Dotson raped her so she wouldn't appear sexually active.

I'd forgotten all about this. I don't recall the whole timeline, but I believe Ms. Webb came out with the truth in the late '80s.

And now, in 2002, I pick up my Sunday paper yesterday to read that Dotson is seeking a pardon from the governor.

Huh? What? He was never pardoned?

Guess the state was too busy with more important criminal matters. Like arresting folks who are getting intoxicated and not hurting anybody else.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2002:

There is a hot babe named Bettina

whose calves befit a ballerina.

They'd work well, I'd bet

on a pirouette--

and even better on a wiena'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2002:

The Los Angeles school district is going to ban the sales of soft drinks in schools as its way of combating our Childhood Obesity Epidemic.

Hours in front of the TV, video games... None of these are the culprit. It's Big Soda!

Weren't we combating "Media Images" because they push us toward attaining an unhealthy level of skinniness?

In any event, this all fits in with the New Grand Liberal Plan of having government protect us from ourselves--and it prepares children for a real world where they will be told what they can and cannot do, for their own good.

First drugs. Then cigarettes. Now soft drinks. Soon, "second-hand cholesterol" caused by school lunches.

Don't laugh. A few years ago, lawyers suing Big Fast Food for obesity was just a joke...

The only Chicago team that has had much of a chance at the championships over the last few years is our soccer team, the Fire. But, of course, whining over the lack of winning teams does not lead one to actually become a soccer fan. (Although, they've been telling us since the '70s--and probably earlier, that's just what I remember--that soccer is the next big thing.)

I thought I'd glance at the TV/radio coverage section of the sports pages the other day. And I found out that the Fire is only broadcast on the Spanish and Polish stations.

Still awaiting the Spanish and Polish language classes becoming the hip new thing.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2002:

There is a young fellow named Bierce

who seeks a chick with a tongue pierce

to try out the texture

of her oral sexer

in hopes that the climax is fierce.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2002:

Steven Seagal reportedly really, really wants to play Jimi Hendrix in a movie about Hendrix's life.

What is wrong with this picture? Let me count the ways...

Wilmington, Delaware has put together a database of 200 "Possible Future Criminals."

Remember folks: No matter how whacked out or frightening, everything our science fiction writers of the past have dreamed up will become an actual project for a politician, scientist or lawyer.

Maybe we need to teach more reading comprehension classes. Although, students may not know they're taking reading comprehension...

I don't know if this is an Illinois thing or just a cigar thing or what. But now, whenever I go and buy cigars, the clerk asks me for my date of birth.

I suppose this is part of some program to study something or other and basically accomplish nothing other than giving some undeserving clods a cut of the money won by the "nothing I do is my own fault" lawsuits against the tobacco industry--other than, of course, those the money was supposed to go to in the first place.

Or are they thinking this question will trip up the underaged? Considering the math skills of today's teenagers, perhaps figuring out which year of birth would make one 18 or older WOULD trip up kids today.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2002:

A man snuck his girlfriend's vibrator

to learn more, as a masturbator.

The electric touch

he just liked too much

now he feels he don't need to date her.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2002:

Has anybody else noticed that life seems to be getting more boring with time?

I'm not talking on a personal level--being in my thirties and married, of course, leaves much room for argument that my life isn't as exciting as it once was (although I believe that theory is over-rated). No, I'm talking about life overall--and I think that this is a brand, spankin' new development.

Thanks mostly to science, human life, in general, has historically grown more exciting. The wheel and fire opened up whole new vistas for the cavemen. Exploring the Earth brought previously unknown cultures and products to the forefront and led to America. The industrial revolution left everybody with more free time, the computer eventually brought the world to our fingertips, blah blah blah.

But now, it seems that life is going in the opposite direction--getting more and more lame all the time. Newsrooms aren't filled with hard-drinking, smoking characters anymore--they're now like any other corporation. In fact, people are becoming less interesting all the time, too--now it's like an equation, with a list of things we "should do" and "shouldn't do" that we're all coming closer and closer to conforming to (things that are healthy or whatever).

Like old science fiction stories about "advanced" aliens who march around like an ant colony...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2002:

The methods of one Doctor Hoff

caused many a cohort to scoff.

His young boy appointments

always entailed ointments--

for hours and hours, he'd make 'em cough.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2002:

From an ad I saw yesterday for some sort of "new classical" concert series:

"If Bach were making music today, would he be more like Moby or Dave Matthews?"

Er... Are those my only choices?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/30/2002:

>      -"But now, it seems that life is going in the  opposite direction--getting more and >more lame all the time. Newsrooms aren't  filled with hard-drinking, smoking characters >anymore--they're now like any  other corporation."

>It's  true.  It's the blanding-down of America, where eventually we will all have  enough >shared mundane experience to qualify for membership on the Jerry  Springer Show.  In >my opinion, it's partly because of generic network  television ("We look more like the >other guy...than the other guy!"), partly  because of formula movie-making ("let's see, >this unique and twisting plot  should feature Julia Roberts and Wesley Snipes, should last >two hours with an  obligatory nude scene at the 30-minute mark, ands should feature a >soundtrack by  Brittany Spears and In!Sync..."), partly because of Wal-Martization of >every  small town in the USA TODAY, and partly because of chain restaurants, chain  >hardware stores, chain clothing stores, and chain drugstores,  which  combine to make >up those ubiquitous strip malls which are easily accessible, of  course, because an >interstate is usually located somewhere nearby.      It  used to be that all most of us had >in common was public school and hot air from  Washington.  Now we entertain >ourselves in a similar manner (TV), we shop  at the same places, we drive the same roads >to the same malls, and we eat the  same foods.  While that may help shape a national >identity - perhaps  explaining why we're so danged concerned about the problem of >"Furriners"  infiltrating our society lately - that identity seems to be one of a  beer-swilling >couch potato who only gets up long enough to get batteries for the  remote, and who >bitches about illegal immigration during the McDonald's  commercials on the NASCAR >station.  His/her television, of course, while  being made by slave labor in China, was >purchased at Sam's Club, where he/she  also picked up a 36-pack of Eskimo Pies and >two half gallons of Jack Daniels for  the weekend.   Now, there's the subject of  >SUVs.....

>

>Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to  think of it again. -Goethe

Hmmm. There was obviously a lot more territory to be covered in yesterday's rant, and I'm glad that somebody continued it. So it's NOT just me.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2002:

A pimp tried a game show for fun

and "Let's Make a Trick!" took its run

and each man took a chance

when he did drop his pants

on what was inside Whore Number One!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2002:

So I hear (I didn't witness it, thankfully) that Michael Jackson thought he'd accepted an "Artist of the Millennium" award at the MTV awards the other night, but it was actually just a birthday gift from MTV, presented by that media-coverage-challenged Britney Spears, who called Jackson the above designation.

Embarrassing.

And another of those little signs that lead one toward a belief in God.

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

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***

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