Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2002

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's fourth year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also our new "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a lukewarm attempt at an e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it, mainly people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have the DAILY LIMERICK!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2002:

In a car's back seat, a young rube

tried mounted his chick's ample boobs

but on the first try

it seemed a bit dry

so he drove to the Jiffy Lube.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2002:

I have decidedly mixed feelings about the court ruling today, throwing out some cat's claim that Motorola's cell phones gave him cancer.

Of course, to be fair, I hate this type of lawsuit because it reminds me, in many ways, of people suing cigarette companies because--duh!--who would've thought inhaling smoke could be dangerous! This is a little different, sure, but we are talking about new technology and, to some extent, nobody knows exactly what new technology will bring.

On the other hand, a part of me secretly hoped that cell phones DID cause cancer, because I hate the damn things so much and dread the day--when I have kids or whatever--that I may be pulled into the Cell Phone Society against my will, for "safety" reasons or whatever, or maybe even because a job requires it. I'd like to see all these morons who annoy me on the train with their insipid little conversations be slapped with ridiculous taxes and public scorn.

I have to say that I must allow the rational part of me to win on this one, though--not that I don't have rational reasons for hating cell phones. Like the new fast food lawsuits, the big win here entails some lawyers retreating with their heads hung low.

But I'm still a wee bit mixed...

Speaking of cell phones, a Methodist church in suburban Chicago has agreed to put a cell phone antennae in its big ol' cross.

Ironically, if there is a Satan, he's undoubtedly played a part in this work of public relations genius...

And I'll end today's missive with a questions: Why the hell is VH-1 showing "The Godfather" movies? They must be following MTV's lead in having less and less to do with music/videos as time goes on, but what the hell's the tie-in here?

Ahh, I see. The Godfather operates similar to the major record labels!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/1/2002:

>Um.... hi..... I'm, um, afraid of ideas and humor -- they scare me unless

>they're fed to me via a laughtrack --- so could you, um, take me off the

>list, then put me on again?

>

>Thanks a million! How are things, not that I care ... but I need to be

>polite, or you might make me funny!!!

>

>Someone Or Other

I don't think I can make you funny. As you may or may not have noticed, I'm having trouble making myself funny.

Then again, that depends on your definition of the word. I think you're already a little "funny."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2002:

A man went insane playing Twister

reaching for "Green Dot" near his sister.

A witness reported

they were so contorted

his left hand reached up and did fist her.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2002:

"Dateline" aired a report last night by the journalistically inept Maria Shriver (wonder how she got that job?) on a girl who was killed at a Los Angeles area teen party.

The murder was mostly an excuse to run a report on teens and their parties.

Some shocking revelations surfaced: Teens go to parties, regardless of whether their parents approve or not. There is alcohol and sometimes even DRUGS at these parties. There is often no adult supervision. And, despite the fact that, on a fluke, the teens interviewed happened to witness a murder, they're STILL planning on attending parties.

I'm too shocked to comment any more on this...

There's a big scandal now in the Chicago Public Schools. It seems that multiple teachers have been cheating FOR their students--in effect helping them attain higher grades. Or "marks," as your grandparents probably called 'em.

Fairly recently, CPS instituted a policy of holding principals accountable for their schools--in effect, making their jobs dependent on their students getting decent grades.

Hmm. A real mystery, no?...

My spell-checker always wants to replace "hmm" with "HMO."

There's gotta be a joke in there somewhere.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/2/2002:

>An antenna in a cross?

>Now God won't have to call collect?

>

>Paging Dr. Fine,

>Dr. Howard,

>Dr. Fine...

I intended a free-wheeling, intellectual discussion on the matter. Not this poetical correctness.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2002:

A farmer craved someone to whack it

and outside, he heard quite a racket--

it was a mad duck

so to it, he snuck

attempting to get a down jack-it.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2002:

I read about the upcoming Liza Minnelli "reality" show in a gossip column yesterday. It seems that she and her hubby are planning this to be "better" and "different" from other reality shows.

They're so excited about it, in fact, that, and I quote from the column, which came from a statement, "Liza has been rehearsing constantly."

Rehearsing. Reality.

Another dictionary definition, long tottering on the brink, finally bites the dust...

Long-time readers know that I usually don't follow natural disaster stories very closely. Not because I'm unconcerned, but because, well, shit happens, and I figure these are the sorts of things that we can't really change, so why ponder on them too long.

But I read that Hurricane Lili was on a path to possible hit the--GASP!--Tabasco sauce plants!

I'm concerned...

Another sign that Hollywood is in no way subject to "Truth in Advertising" laws:

There was an ad on TV yesterday for "The new comedy, 'A Family Affair.'"

Don't they mean the "recycled" comedy?...

I read a touching tale yesterday of two broadcast journalists, Michele Fiore and Casey Klaus, who met during a Laura Bush visit and were just married. They said, of the fated day, that the event "[proved] something good did come out of the Bush presidency."

Wouldn't want to make any attempt at that pesky "journalistic objectivity" thing, would we?...

And why is there "Fantasy Football" commentary in the "real" sports pages? For that matter, why does the Sun-Times have a "pro" wrestling column? Most newspaper guidelines delineate that they don't accept fiction submissions.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2002:

It seems that "Martha Stewart Living"

in light of her corporate misgivings

could land her in jail--

screw quaint wreaths and kale

the new mag: "Martha Stewart Shivving."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2002:

It seems that Hurricane Lili actually slowed down around the Louisiana coast, and meteorologists are a little baffled as to why.

Recall that I reported Lili was en route to hitting the Tabasco sauce plants.

So, where's the mystery? Even a hurricane couldn't be so cruel. What would I put on my bone-full, skin-laden chicken?...

I saw a drug commercial yesterday. It featured a woman merrily running in a field, etc., etc. All the commercial said was, "Ask your doctor about Vioxx."

Don't matter if you have an ailment or not, I guess. Just get on Vioxx!

Just say no to drugs--drugs that corporate America doesn't have an interest in hooking you on, that is...

Britney Spears has a new guy. This time from the Backstreet Boys.

Don't anybody recall how I predicted her to be the (eventual) New Pam Anderson? Only instead of inexplicably being attracted to washed-up metal heads, we can look forward in five years to Britney, washed-up but somehow getting occasional media attention, dating one of the guys formerly in "O-Town," after her break-up with the guy formerly of "98 Degrees"...

There was a big hubbub over Snoop Dogg being slated to appear with the Muppets in a special. They canceled the planned appearance.

Now, even the most half-assed of readers should know that I usually bitch and moan about folks catering to the demands of pissed-off vocal minorities.

But I'm gonna have to go in a different direction here.

Who the fuck thought Snoop Dogg would be a good match for the Muppets?

Now I wouldn't bitch about Snoop Dogg doing a Pepsi commercial (well, I'd make fun of Snoop Dogg for it). But... "Daddy? What's a blunt? What are ho's?"

Is "Bob the Builder's Girls Gone Wild" far behind?...

And how about some good news: The American Film Institute canceled its awards show after just one year.

Guess the ratings weren't so hot.

So, we only have 364 Hollywood Awards shows next time around...

I have a theory that life is circular: We start out helpless, crapping in our pants, and we eventually end up old, helpless, and crapping our pants.

I pondered and found more fuel for this argument the other day:

When we're pre-adolescent, we build treehouses and stuff with signs proclaiming, "No girls allowed." When we near middle age, we invite the guys over to watch sports, with "No girls allowed"...

Now, it seems, United Airlines and U.S. Airways are forming a partnership to sell tickets on each other's Web sites. That's only a near merger but... It also comes after the recent pairing of AOL-Time-Warner (D.C. Comics, et. al.) and CNN (ABC-Disney, et. al.). Didn't I tell you to prepare for the One Big Company we'll all be working for?

Yup.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2002:

That "champ" from "American Idol"

is out tryin' to translate her title

to somethin' less lame

than 15 o' Fame

(she sounds like she's needin' a Midol).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2002:

I like T-shirts. They don't win points with the wife--and they've never been a favorite of women, in general, with the "clothes making the man" idea running rampant and all--but I enjoy their comfort and ease of wear. And, although I don't expect to them to cause an eater of bland foods into, say, an avid Tabasco sauce fan (I have some cool Tabasco T-shirts and, no, they're not paying me anything), I also enjoy making a "statement" (that word's in quotes for a reason).

I also have a code of T-shirt ethics--for instance, while I rarely wear concert shirts anymore, I'll never wear one from a show I didn't attend, for instance. But I'm getting off track here.

T-shirts sometimes get wrinkly. I try to fold them properly and make little efforts to smooth out especially bad wrinkles, but that's just the nature of the game.

One time I was at a comedy open mike, wearing a T-shirt. The host was doing his spiel and he singled me out for fun-making. "Hey, guy--ever hear of an iron?"

The crowd laughed.

I just wrote this off as a fun little zinger. I mean, who the hell would actually iron a T-shirt? It goes against the whole purpose of wearing a T-shirt.

A few months later, I was on the street--I forget why. Perhaps getting the daily paper. Maybe I was waiting for a bus. Wearing a T-shirt. A complete stranger walked by me and said, "Ever hear of an iron?"

I'm sure these weren't the only times in my life that I was wearing a T-shirt that had wrinkles. But these were the only two times in my life I'd heard mention of the very idea of ironing a T-shirt.

There's only one other factor that these two incidents share: I was in Los Angeles at the time.

I guess that, when you live in a land where, rather than make a crowd actually laugh, they manufacture a laugh track, the plastic philosophy permeates everything.

Iron a T-shirt, my ass.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2002:

They oughta box up all Iraq

paint it red, with glass and shellac.

Up goes public danders?

It tells Chief Commanders:

"In case of bad pub, just attack."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2002:

There's this new program out called "Movie Mask." It works with DVD versions of movies. You run it with your DVD and it bleeps out "offensive" stuff.

(From a review of the program I read, it's actually much better at censoring sexual stuff than it is violence. But people interested in such things are far more concerned about sex, as a rule, anyway.)

The company that makes Movie Mask is based in--surprise surprise--Utah.

Are there that many people out there who think something like, oh, say, "Monster's Ball," is going to make a fine family movie minus a few jugs, racial slurs and rape scenes?

For that matter, are there that many people out there who'd still like to see, oh, say, "The Secretary" minus the sex scenes?...

A thought occurred to me this morning. Should the Sunday edition of Daily Limerick have accouterments befitting the typical Sunday paper? You know, some ad booklets and flyers, expanded entertainment and, well, since the whole things is allegedly "funny," a section of dead serious "comics"?

Hell no. Especially at this price.

But the thought did occur to me. And we all can dream.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2002:

A man who found running his calling

went out for a job while free-balling.

But, hung like a horse

the ball-swingin' force

gave his poor cleft chin a good maulin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2002:

I read this Sunday that the hole in the ozone layer over the South Pole is closing up, thanks to our attention to eliminating pollutants dangerous to the atmosphere.

Now, I was a little confused by the story. It seems that (I think) there is more than one hole and this is just one? I'm not sure.

But the thought occurred to me: What the hell are the crazed Ozone Hole Hippies going to do with all there time if this is actually being fixed?...

Thought I'd send you a blast of good news today: The new edition of "Survivor" did not make the "Top Ten" list of viewership.

Together, we can kill "reality" TV...

I read a Public Service Announcement in my newspaper today and, as usual, it is misleading.

This one is part of the arsenal on our War on Drug Users (although we in turn call them "diseased"), claiming that "more teens enter drug treatment for marijuana than for all other drugs combined."

The statistic is undoubtedly true. But, without even getting into the whole fuzzy issue of "treatment" for addictions, here's the problem with that stat: Many people are sent into treatment not necessarily because they've "lost control," but because they were caught. In other words, a kid blows a doob for the second time in his life and he's sent to "treatment"--bolstering a statistic and thus being converted into a "problem" smoker.

If you're caught drinking--or using a variety of "approved" drugs that big pharmaceutical companies profit from--there is at least a debate as to whether or not your drug usage is "social" or "problematic."

If you're caught with pot, you're immediately labeled "in need of treatment."

But, of course, millions of kids who are smoking pot will stumble across these PSAs and immediately quit--justifying the billions of dollars spent on our "War."

Me and my pals took the "Say No to Drugs" commercials very seriously back in high school and college. Sometimes, the PSAs would cause us to pause between bongs!...

Interesting note: My spell-checker suggest the replacement "passe" for "PSA."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/7/2002:

>Well John, how about this for the Sunday edition? I'll supply you a poem for

>inclusion in each Sunday's issue (whether a new or old coupling of words).

>As if the relative intelligence quotient after reading each day's newsletter

>isn't low enough...

>

>That, or I'll write for "Cathy."

>

>Squirrel Nuttly

I think I mentioned this way, way back--I was thinking of "merging," sort of, with a friend who had a poetry e-newsletter. I haven't meant to avoid him, but I never got around to figuring something out so...

Well, this cat's weekly poem will appear in the Sunday edition, starting on Oct. 13. We'll see how things go and let me know what you think.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2002:

Jill had a strange "something" outrageous

trying to name it'd simply cage us.

Her special charisma

was a fun enigma

(but I think the "something's" contagious).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2002:

On the heels of S&Y reporting on the lack of an Illinois Poet Laureate (and a subsequent lack of anybody picking up the S&Y story and raising holy hell), New Jersey's Poet Laureate, Amiri Bakara, has been given the boot. (Seems he's been publishing some anti-Semitic work.)

What kind of world do we live in when even the poets are having a hard time keeping employed? What's that you say?... Poets already have a hard time keeping employed?

Oh.

Well, just what will we do if a crew of al-Qaida Special Villanelle operatives invade our shores and we have two states lacking poets laureate?

I shudder to think.

Mostly, I shudder to think what an al-Qaida Special Villanelle operative would write!

But, I'm shuddering as well over our unprotected Halls of Verse.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2002:

It seems Jesse Jackson won't stop

attacking the film, "Barbershop"--

its makers won't spike

scenes Jesse dislikes

but Jess made sure the flick won't flop!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2002:

There a big controversy brewin' in the pop... er, country music world.

Tim McGraw came out with a song that contains a prominent mention of abortion.

It's not even a political statement. It's a story song, and a man and a woman, unmarried, who form an unwanted pregnancy, the fetus is aborted and they break up.

It's made out to be a sad story but, well, I guess you can argue that, given the fact that the couple broke up in the end anyway, it's "pro choice." Well, I haven't heard the song, so I guess that maybe it paints the two as having broken up BECAUSE they didn't have a child, or.... well, damnit, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that some "country" stations are refusing to play the song.

We've reached such a point now that it's considered odd to make any sort of statement through music.

Gather round, children, and let me tell you about how I used to walk five miles to school every day, barefoot in the snow, while enjoying a little thing called the First Amendment...

Found out today that, when you're "awarded" a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame (which I've walked down and... well, not known who the hell half these "famous" people were), you have to agree to pay for its upkeep.

So, you've gotta shell out to be on the Walk of Fame.

You know... Hell, I'll just let that one speak for itself...

Spurred on by recent studies indicating that Americans are getting fatter and fatter all the time, "health advocates" are now pushing for extra taxes on non-diet soft drinks.

I'd like to take this time to apologize for some wild-eyed, reactionary statements I've made in the past. For instance, ever since the anti-smoking zealots have declared open season on tobacco, I've been predicting that, in time, the Health Nazis are gonna try to make life hell for every one of us--or, at least every one of us who doesn't get 8 hours sleep a night, exercise twice a day and consume only wheat grass juice and bean sprouts.

Sorry. What was I thinking?...

And I'll wrap up this little fajita of frivolity by leaving you with a Funny Real Name:

Eastern Illinois University has a football coach named Bob Spoo.

That's his REAL name? Cum on!...

P.S. For "fajita," my spell-checker suggests, "faggot." Well, at least it's not politically correct.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2002:

"American Idol's" real aim

is not to find pop's next big name

but to make a killin'

off ads--from rubes willin'

to chase Fifteen Minutes of Fame.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2002:

Natura Naughton, kicked out of the girl band 3LW, is now suing over discrimination, saying she was fired for not fitting the "project girl" image.

When this shit starts happening, we must be making some progress...

The State Dept.'s annual International Religious Freedom report rips Israel but praises Palestinians as being "generally respect[ing] religious freedom in practice."

Guess wanting to kill off an entire religion is a sign of respect...

Ponder this:

(Or don't ponder it--I just feel more intelligent using phrases like "ponder this.")

The idea behind celebrity product endorsements is to get people who like the celebrity in question to think, consciously or subconsciously, "If Mr. Celebrity uses it, it must be cool!"

But--and I must be an exception or something because otherwise, this technique wouldn't be used--I end up questioning whether I really like that celebrity anymore...

Do you know that we have readers who are afraid to write DL letters?

Really. I kinda make fun of letter writers but hasn't anybody ever read the letters in MAD Magazine? It should be an honor to be made fun of in "Letters to the Idiot"! A minor honor. A really, really minor honor.

So don't be afraid. Don't be very afraid. I make fun of you because you send letters--not because I've singled you out as an idiot!

Well, sometimes, perhaps a little of both.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2002:

This year's N.Y. Mets weren't so hot

they failed to land a playoff spot.

Rumor says the reason

they blew this last season

was 'cause players blew lots of pot.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2002:

Those herpes medication commercials claim that "one in five" Americans have herpes.

Are they just trying to make herpes sufferers feel that they're not such an oddity after all? Or can one in five Americans REALLY have herpes?

One in five? Really?...

I haven't mentioned this a lot, because nothing is final, but I am currently in negotiations with a reputable periodical publisher about possibly writing "news rhymes" (examples of which you sometimes read here in DL) for weekly publication, as a column, and for actual money.

So, the poet laureate route isn't the only way to make halfway decent money from poetry.

Should this happen, my next goal will be to become the World's First Investigative Poet.

Now that's a concept that tickles my fancy. Among other things...

Long John Silver's is delightful.

Just thought I'd fill you in.

I can regale you for hours with tales of my high school (and early college) years spent working at JLS (as us insiders call it). I also happen to love deep-fried, greasy, battered seafood. And hushpuppies. And those lovely crunchies.

But the Long John Silver's I used to work at closed a few years ago. And I rarely see the place anymore, but they still run commercials and I occasionally see LJS coupons.

Feel free to swap LJS tales with DL. And LJS news--does anybody live near a Long John Silver's?

They used to give employees rankings at LJS. When I started, my badge said, "Seaman Apprentice." Which was like painting a big target on my chest, as far as my non-LJS friends were concerned. As if the whole uniform, with the blue visor, wasn't target enough.

But send your tales in a bottle, mateys!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/11/2002:

>Me send letter. Validate life now! Make me laugh, funnyman. A h ha......zzz

>

>(don't friggin' ask)

On second thought, maybe the rarity of letters to DL is okay.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2002:

It seems that there's just no abortin'

the Hoop Dreams of old Michael Jordan.

His will might not bed

'til he's in Depends

(which he won't have problems affordin').

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2002:

I hear all this talk about attack on Iraq possibly "de-stabilizing" the Mid East.

After all, it's such a text book example of "stability" to begin with...

While the fact that society, overall, has embraced the term deserves some sort of PR award, I have to take issue with the term "homophobia."

Now for the standard disclaimer: Whenever the term is bandied about, 99 percent of the time I'm on the side that is alleging it of the opposing side.

But think about it. Racists aren't termed "Semite-ophobic" or "Afro-phobic." Sexists aren't "male-" or "female-" phobes. And while I think the term has some basis in truth--there are clods who happen to think that homosexuality is somehow "contagious," people who, quite frankly, perhaps ought to rent a few gladiator movies if they feel they're "teetering on the brink"... I don't think the term is entirely applicable.

It's fostered guilt in the rest of us to such a level that I continually read in "alternative" newspapers about things like a play that relates a "heterosexual" love story. Better to err on the side of ridiculosity than to appear "phobic" of gays in any way.

Perhaps my anti-P.C. ways are just manifesting themselves too strongly here. I mean, I'm just a guy focusing on two-armed, non-Genital-Herpes-bearing, un-Peruvian humor.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2002:

Anna Nicole's E! TV show's

ratings are on a downward flow.

Advertised as groovy

it's still a home movie--

exciting as watching grass grow.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2002:

Today marks the debut of a new Sunday feature, arising partly out of months of chatter between me and a poet friend of mine--who also has a e-publication, of sorts--about "merging" and sharing e-lists, and partly out of my desire to add extras to the Sunday edition of Daily Limerick--just like the "legit" daily publications.

Mike Chmielecki's "Mike's Accursed Verse" thus makes its debut below.

Because of this, on Sundays I'm going to be exposing myself to a new audience, and exposing yourself to someone new is always an awkward situation. My gut reaction was to say "screw it" and just pump out a limerick and "Slappin' and Yappin'" as I always do--but then I remembered that, on weekends, I'm often a little shorter in the S&Y section.

So, in reality, that's all that's different about this edition--I've made sure to touch on a bunch of topics in S&Y. The limerick just so happens to be "not so dirty" but that was just a random occurrence. Long-time readers know that I go back and forth between a) traditional, filthy limericks and b) limericks commenting on current events.

But, trust me, they are often so filthy that I blush and wonder about exactly who I've become.

Anyway, to all the new readers, enjoy. Or at least don't wince too badly. And let me know if you want to jump on the Daily Limerick e-bandwagon (I trust that Mike will give you my e-mail address--just e-mail me and ask to be mounted onto the list)...

Washed-up metal rocker Tommy Lee, now famous exclusively for banging Pamela Anderson (prominent washed-up metal rocker fetishist) on video, is undergoing sentencing for domestic violence and has suggested that he do a little "community service" to lighten his punishment.

His idea of community service? Playing with his band for our military troops.

Number one: Isn't this stretching the definition of "community service"? And, number two, don't the troops have something to say about this?...

There's a whole controversy bubbling over now about the current Miss America (can anybody name her off hand?--didn't think so) being told by pageant officials to avoid preaching abstinence for teens in a public forum. One one hand, she's an individual; on the other, she's representing the Miss America machine and abstinence in a liberal no-no... And I, of course, need to interject my unswerving support of premarital sex, since we test drive our goddamned cars before we buy them and I pity the poor guy who doesn't find out until after the "'til death do us part" that he's only gonna have sex four times a year, not that you can completely predict these things but... Anyway, the main point is:

We're talking about Miss America. This is ten notches below the Royal Family on the Importance-O-Meter! Who the hell cares?...

Due to the crazed sniper loose in the D.C. area, authorities have issued a statement providing the public with advice to help keep them safe.

One of the tips: Walk down the street in a zig-zag fashion.

Classic Monty Python sketch, meet reality. Reality, meet classic Monty Python sketch...

An Iranian cleric is now putting a death sentence on the head of Jerry Falwell.

Somehow, I'm not as outraged over this as I was for Salman Rushdie...

S&Y has long held those worthless "job advice" columns accountable for their stupidity. Not that the job columns, or anybody else, has taken notice, but, as a guy who's getting by on freelance and part-time work, lacking a full-time job for almost a year now since being laid-off, I must take issue with this syndicated crap column by James E. Challenger.

It's recent advice? "Don't take jobs that don't fit in with career goals."

And can we write you, Mr. Challenger, for grocery and rent money?...

What would happen if I left the house without pants?

Just asking, because it's a major fear of mine. Okay, it's just a plain old, run-of-the-mill minor fear of mine--I occasionally wonder about it--but I do often walk around the house in my boxers--and even out onto my deck.

So it's conceivable that, on a warm day, I could head off to work without pants.

Once, in grade school, I went to school in my pajamas, so you could say that I'm at high-risk for such behavior.

I have nothing more to add to the topic. Just wondering...

P.S. The spell-checker has no suggestions for "Chmielecki."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/13/2002:

No letters today. But I'm keeping the section in to let new readers know that we DO get letters. (In fact, Mr. Chmielecki could arguably be titled a "staff letter writer."

And I reply by making fun of them.

***

"MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE" 10/13/2002:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

(HELPING TO PROMULGATE THE ILLUSION OF DAILY LIMERICK BEING A "LEGIT" PUBLICATION):

-A wish-

say it like a drop of water,

close and soft as breathing felt.

A quiet thing, an edge of tear,

the husky center of a sigh.

A drop of snow on blackened fabric.

Kiss it to your mouth, but once.

Let it weigh like powder, pocket

even though it's naught but sand.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2002:

Nabbed Nine-One-One villain Moussaoui

acts as his own lawyer, and now he

he trying to jerk us

on a three-ring circus

as much as the courts will allow-y.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2002:

Happy Holiday that nobody but school kids and government workers take off for!...

I read that the Spice Girls are considering a reunion tour.

Now, most people will groan about this, but I'm excited.

I'll groan along with you about the possibility of hearing their music anew on the radio. But I happen to find the Spice Girls titillating.

Now, I don't find any particular Spice Girl, by herself, all that appealing. I'll remind readers of my theory--which needs a good name. For now, I'll call it the "Chick Quantity Theory." (I need to start naming these, if they ever have a chance of being bandied about as cocktail conversation in another ten years.)

The Spice Girls illustrate the "Chick Quantity Theory" perfectly. The theory: While x, y and z chick may not be especially titillating,  x chick + y chick + z chick = a sum titillation factor much greater than the sum of their individual titillation factors.

In other words, watching any one of the Spice Girls sing and dance may only warrant a slight excitement. But throw 'em all together and I'm quite hot and bothered.

Quite intellectual, this S&Y stuff, no?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2002:

A man's prostate check with Doc Mabel

led him to the cold exam table

which he lay upon--

she grabbed a strap on

(he "passed," but, for days, walked unstable).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2002:

Press releases, or whatever you'd call them, are now surfacing, allegedly signed by "Osama bin Laden," praising the perpetrators of the recent overseas terrorist attacks (in Bali, Kuwait, etc.). The ol' goat lover reportedly states that these attacks were meant to coincide with the anniversary of our bombin' the Taliban.

Here's more fuel to my theory that, although al-Qaida and its ilk are frightening, they can never really "win"--no book burning, free-thought discouraging group can because they have a built in Stupidity Security.

The actual anniversary was over a week ago.

Perhaps they burn calendars, too...

I noticed this relatively recent trend in television "comedies" around the time that "Married... With Children" was new. And it has been snowballing ever since.

Characters on TV began to shamelessly "celebrate" (for lack of a better word) TV. Usually, but not always, it's male characters, and usually it's the father figure or main character.

You know the drill. Nothing can pry them from the TV. They choose TV over sex. The cable goes out and everybody freaks, causing "hilarity" to ensue, blah blah blah.

Oh, it's not like TV shows avoided mention of TV in the past--Lucy and Ricky had many mentions of TV. But it was a "commentary free" topic, largely. (Which only makes sense--I have a sketch comedy group and we don't go out of our way to mention sketch comedy too much in the actual sketches. Actually, I don't think we ever have, though not consciously.) I even recall some story lines in lame '80s shows that carried a "don't watch too much TV" message.

Sure, you can argue that most of America is TV crazy--most people do get rather pissed if their cable goes off. But I can't help but see a conflict of interest here--there's a secret Sitcom Writers' Bible, and one of its commandments is "Thou shalt always feature characters who near-religiously love their TVs."

Keep an eye out for it. You can't miss it.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/15/2002:

>I found today's slappin' and yappin' both scary and spicy, he said gingerly.

So, on one hand you're being a Baby about this, and on the other, a good Sporty. Make up your mind!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2002:

A snobbish rich slut, name of Harriet

stuck her nose up at proletariat.

But if upper class

she'd offer her ass

and let you ride it like a chariot.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2002:

In honor of the Iraqi election (and you heard it here first--S&Y is predicting a landslide victory for Saddam Hussain), Daily Limerick is conducting it's own "election."

Who should be idiot in chief of Daily Limerick:

A.) Me

or

B.) Not Me*

*"B" answers punishable by death.

Rock the vote!...

Ongoing developments in the Pussification of America:

Ron Magers, a reporter for Chicago's NBC affiliate, reportedly almost "blacked-out" while covering a gubernatorial debate yesterday, causing him to hit the floor.

Was it whiskey--or harder drugs?

Nope. He attributed it to quickly downing cream-filled pastries and chocolate milk on an empty stomach.

Gather around, grandkids, and I'll tell you of an age when the journalist's life was prime fuel for exciting novels and movies...

And, although the two are closely related, I'd like to clarify my theory on the Pussification of America by adding to it the subsequent Bore-ification of America theory.

I've read reports of football crack-downs on end-zone antics to celebrate touchdowns. Recently, San Francisco's Terrell Owens got in trouble for autographing the touchdown ball and giving it to a fan in the stands.

Even I'll admit that this is borderline behavior.

But beware of the Bore-ification of America now, too, in any event.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2002:

A teen couple lay on the beach.

The boy yawned and gave the ol' Reach--

sought hand to her shoulder

she stood, it turned bolder

when he touched the hair on her peach.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2002:

I noticed something about television the other day.

In an advertisement for diapers, a baby's butt crack is shown.

I have yet to see a hot woman's butt crack in a commercial.

So, it's a-ok to provide a cheap thrill for a pedophile, but you know damn well everybody would be up in arms if, say, those annoying cell phone commercials showed us a little Catherine Zeta-Jones crack.

I'm just askin' for a little extra titillation to make my life easier. And I'm certainly entitled, if you're giving it to child molesters.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2002:

Two fellows, horned-up and both gay

sixty-nined a tea bag one day

and steeped with such vigor

when they shot their jigger

they both swear 'twas freakin' Earl Grey!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2002:

Noelle Bush, daughter of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (who, for those of you who haven't turned off MTV in a couple of years, is the brother of President Bush--who, for those of you who... aw, if you're that stupid, forget it), was sentenced to 10 days in prison for having crack cocaine in a drug rehab facility to mark her second legal fuck-up in the matter.

She could have been slapped with a felony. If it were you or I, we'd probably be bunkin' with a large, bulky man (or woman) who'd refer to us as "sweetie" for an extended time. Wonder why Noelle didn't get that punishment... Hmm.

Love that War on Drugs!...

I saw a radio listing yesterday for an interview with an expert in "underground astronomy."

Huh? Do proponents sit around and bash the likes of Stephen Hawking for selling out? do they spend most of their time focused on out of the way planets and systems overlooked by the mainstream, corporate Astronomy Industry?

I repeat: Huh?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/18/2002:

>What are you, on crack?

I'm not on anybody's crack now. But perhaps later--it is me and my wife's anniversary of meeting.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2002:

So now former Prez Jimmy Carter

won a Nobel Prize--a late starter

for when our fine nation

saw Tow'ring Inflation

it seems that he could have tried harder!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2002:

Now I'm not big priest fan. (Actually, at one time, I was a fairly big "Priest" fan--as in "Judas Priest"--but that's from an uglier period in my life that I don't like to talk about too much.) And I usually don't read the stories about the Catholic priest scandal too closely because... Well, duh! Priests molest kids, Rosie O'Donnell is gay, many CEOs are corrupt--real shockers.

But I looked through a piece today about how the Vatican is opposed to some measures the U.S. priests have suggested for dealing with molestation in the future. Of course, we're to be naturally pre-disposed against anything the Vatican says--its part of the Liberal Bible--but I must say I'm with the Vatican on some level here.

Again, I'm not big fan of religion. And I'm not priest fan--although, back in my youth I... Ahem. Anyhoo, it seems that victims' rights groups, and the U.S. Diocese, want a priest defrocked merely for "allegations" of sexual misconduct.

Although the Vatican is not bound by U.S. law, we are talking about the U.S. Diocese here, and I just have to ask:

Does anybody read that pesky Constitution anymore?...

Grant E. Storms is a crazy preacher in New Orleans who's bitchin' and moanin' about "Southern Decadence," a no-holds-barred, N'awleans style festival predominantly involving gays and lesbians. (And, by the way, Storms is a wonderful name for a crazy preacher!)

Anyway, Storms is worked-up about public displays of affection at the festival. He claims he has nothing against gays.

But then why isn't he complaining about Mardi Gras?...

Who the hell reads those "society" columns?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/19/2002:

>Have a slappin', yappin' anniversary!

>

>Someone from the wedding party

NOTE: This instance of well-wishing came in yesterday, so it was, indeed, on the actual anniversary. Not that you really care, of course.

But... I'm not sure what a "slappin', yappin'" anniversary would be.

But, considering I'm not shuddering at the very memory of yesterday, I guess it didn't qualify.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2002:

Though fat, many fantasies play

a Monica Lewinsky lay

perhaps 'cause she's slutty

but even more nutty:

Some cum shots involve that beret!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2002:

Now, today's limerick ought to even things out, after last Sunday's "mild" entry...

The other day, I phoned in a prescription for my wife, to one of those automated services, and heard a recorded message disclaimer that I've never experienced.

After entering you prescription number, you are asked to press the pound sign. The message helpfully pointed out, "The Pound Sign is located underneath the number '9' on your phone's dialing pad."

I'm guessing that, when you're pumped up on Valium, you could use a little help operating the automated system.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/20/2002:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

Kissing my

Goodbye

Her breasts were granite stones.

Her mouth was suffocating beauty.

Her touch took bloody root --

red flowers bloomed from her imprint.

Her eyes beheld the pines.

Needles piercing through the sun.

Kissing my Goodbye.

Letting go my sweetest one.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2002:

A horny ol' pilot named Chip

take a stew'rdess for skinny dip.

His foreplay was crappy

but she was quite happy

with his work on her landing strip.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2002:

I was looking through my Chicago Reader--my local version of "alternative" weekly that exists in most big cities--and I paused to wonder why I even bother reading most of the comics.

Most are... Well, they just aren't funny. They're "edgy" and "out there" and all that, but unfunny. And the same can be said for the publication overall. Of course, it does a bang-job on arts coverage and the "other side" of big news stories, but that's not what I'm concerned with today.

Now, I'm well aware of the idea of comics (or "alternative" weeklies, for that matter) as an art form--there's no reason that they HAVE to be humorous. But even the ones that are "supposed" to be funny generally miss the mark.

Then, it struck me--and it has before, so I hope long-time readers excuse my re-visiting a pet topic: Liberalism is losing its sense of humor.

Now, here's the same damn disclaimer I seem to throw out all the time: I consider myself a Radical Moderate and, if I had to choose between our Acceptable Cookie Cutter Political Philosophies, I'd certainly call myself a Liberal and not a Conservative (although, since Gore-Lieberman's decision to attack Hollywood Free Speech--if only in words--I'm especially leery of the "L" word). End disclaimer.

I first noticed the consertivization of liberalism during the Clinton years. A long-time friend of mine, with whom I've always shared a very similar political philosophy, admitted to occasionally listening to Rush Limbaugh. I quote (but not exactly): "Maybe it's because the Democrats are in power. You know--the conservatives are ripping the status quo while the liberals are defending it... I don't know but, in a lot of ways, conservatives are having more fun now."

But do you know what? Even now that a Republican is back in the White House, the conservatives seem to be having more fun. Oh, there are exceptions--John Ashcroft is a perfect, humorless target, for instance. But... Maybe it's because liberal ideas overall have integrated so much into the status quo? I don't know--but I do know that Political Correctness plays a HUGE part.

You see, I grew up in the '80s, so my liberal philosophy started with that of the '60s--because, of course, the '60s were retro in the '80s and the '80s were pretty much devoid of activism or new ideas among young people. And the '60s political scene, for me, seemed to revolve around stodgy Nixon/Archie Bunker types defending traditional values with dogma while hippies and such flouted convention, getting naked and intoxicated and creating wild art/music/literature/etc. that shocked the hell out of conservatives.

Today... Well, have you ever seen Fox News' "Hannity and Colmes"? I forget who's who off hand, but the conservative guy always has the smug look on his face and he's the more likely one to fire off a good one-liner. The liberal guy comes across as weasely--he's the straight guy in their Vaudevillian political show.

And that's only one example. Bill O'Reilly is out-of-his-mind on a lot of topics, but next to Phil Donohue, who's the tight ass? (I know Phil's old school, of course, but still.) And religious dogma has been replaced by Politically Correct Dogma, which have a lot in common--two of the only states to ban indoor smoking--despite the fact that consumers have plenty of smoke-free establishments to choose from--for instance, are Utah and California.

Instead of bashing organized religion as a rule, we've divided religion into two camps: Christianity, in all its forms--bashable--and "every other religion--that carries the plus of being predominantly practiced by minorities--absolutely non-bashable. And I know that things most certainly have to change in the age of AIDS, abstinence education has now been embraced by some liberal groups, too, and...

I could go on and on and on. (Too late--I already have!) But I think you get my point.

Laugh, liberals, LAUGH!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/21/2002:

>I get confused trying to figure out which one is the pound key, until I

>realize it doesn't look like a star.

>

>I would like to get a hold of some valium. It will go great with the six

>pack (at least) I drink at night.

If this were some typical advice column, I would have all sorts of tips to offer for "getting your life together."

But, considering that I'm not...

Keep drinking all that beer and see your doctor about valium. Whatever keeps you reading this crap.

******

*DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2002:

"Reality" TV has solved

network short-term goals to "evolve."

Yet it can't quite be

pure "reality"

when a TV camera's involved.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2002:

Take a look at Janet Reno. Then, take a look at Garrison Keillor.

I ask you: Have you ever seen them both in the same place at the same time?

Hmm...

R. Kelly's new single is called "ignition." The poetic, melodic lyrics speak to a woman of "puttin' my keys in your transmission."

I haven't heard the song, so I don't know if there's any mention of this car being a Festiva. (Think hard on that one for a bit.)

Now this guy's known for "spiritual," "inspirational" songs and now, at this time, he releases "Ignition."

Perhaps, with the legal woes and all, he's had to let his PR consultant go.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/22/2002:

>Oh, valium? I thought you said vellum ... Hmm, no wonder the museum is angry

>at me. Sheesh, it was only a medieval bible!

>

>Um.......... Valium, you say?

>

>#

Yes, do valium! Just do it! Valium is Valient!

If I can succeed in my sinister plot to get the entire world on valium, there will be more DL subscribers!

I think!

Do Valium!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2002:

Excited, a crazed slut named Jill

relieved at now taking The Pill.

Told a band a sailors

to freely impale her

and for each cried out, "Fire at will!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2002:

It's election season across the country. Well, I'm assuming it is. First Tuesday after the first Monday in November just around the corner and all. There probably aren't big elections everywhere, but here in Illinois we have some big ones going on, including for governor, attorney general, etc.

Of course, there are political commercials and political debates and both are subject to the same rules. There are only three reasons to pay attention to them: 1) You're a journalist; 2) For entertainment purposes; or 3) You're an idiot.

It's that simple. If you pay even remedial attention to the news, you know who you'd prefer in office long before any commercials or debates kick in. If you don't, my advice is to NOT "Rock the Vote." Better to not vote at all than to cast an idiot vote. (And a vote based on political commercials and/or modern political debates can be nothing other than an idiot vote.) If you've paid even remedial attention to life itself, you'll know that we have far too many idiot votes already...

I had the displeasure of catching the "Wayne Brady Show" today. Perhaps because he attained fame through, "Whose Line is it Anyway?" I thought the variety show would include sketch comedy or something and figured I'd check it out before assuming it was lame.

No sketch comedy. Celebrity guests, lots of singing, undoubtedly rehearsed "ad libs," etc.

Thank heavens! There's such a shortage of talk shows!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2002:

A couples date led to jacuzzi

and feet rubbed groins as they got boozy.

But one chick's smooth tootsie

played high-powered footsie

with the wrong guy--who wasn't choosy.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2002:

A Russian woman, understandably freaking out over being caught up in the Chechen hostage drama, was especially upset over the types of hostages inside the theater, describing many of them as "women, children and foreigners."

You know, of course, that whenever there's a disaster and it's time to start saving people, it's "women, children and foreigners first"...

Some of you may recall that S&Y cautioned you about "federalizing" airport security. (Again--we didn't weigh in against it, but just cautioned.) I implored readers, whenever they considered something so important that a government agency should oversee it, to think about one particular government agency and its overall efficiency: The post office.

The investigation into a recent incident at Chicago's O'Hare Airport, in which some guy ran in through the exit and successfully bypassed security (he still hasn't been identified), uncovered that the two federal screeners manning the post were "chatting."

If this is what we're getting from them, at least they can sell us stamps.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2002:

Baseball Hall of Fame's Kirby Puckett's

slapped with a sex suit, tries to duck it.

No fan of the game

but, man, what a name!

He could be the Sports World's Nantucket!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2002:

I hope I'm not breaking the news to you: It looks like they've caught the "Beltway Sniper." If I did break the news to you, well, I appreciate your looking to Daily Limerick as your primary news source, but... I can't go into it now. Suffice it to say that you need guidance.

But this nutrod, John Allen Muhammad, doesn't quite fit the profile: He's black.

Whenever this type of thing happens, you hear the typical spiel from reporters, pundits, and water cooler loitering pundits. "The typical profile for this type of villain is a white male, blah blah blah..."

It's not like this Muhammad cat is a first or anything. But the vast majority of modern sicko serial killers have been white. Then again, if you consider that African Americans make up about 12 percent of the U.S. population, we're not too far off.

Another sign that Affirmative Action is working?

Actually, this IS a sign that we're reaching a more inclusive society. You take the good, you take the bad and then you not only have "The Facts of Life" (which was a little heavier on "bad") but you have signs of improvement. This, overall, is good, but we'd be lying to pretend that there's not a little bad thrown in for good measure.

For instance, as blacks and women have moved into better jobs and more white collar positions, we've seen an increase and black and woman nerds. There are black yuppies. More women cheating on their husbands, more women using men for simply sex.

So, of course, we're going to see a whole rainbow of diversity in our dangerous whack-jobs in the near future.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2002:

A writer wallowed in the blues

in a slump, he turned to his muse.

One change--turned prolific--

his muse looked terrific

in short skirts and six-inch-heeled shoes.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2002:

Courtney Love is grieving the loss of her dog. Now, her dog is not a band member, but let's place it in the same category for our purposes here.

The dog wasn't put to sleep or hit by a car.

Courtney had some breast implants removed and she brought them back home from the doctor's for... I can't begin to speculate exactly why, although it sounds like a popular E-bay item.

The dog ate one of them.

The dog then died.

Reality, meet "This is Spinal Tap." "This is Spinal Tap," meet reality.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/26/2002:

>I just KNEW Kirby was the sniper!

I think maybe you misunderstood something I wrote. But, well, roll with it anyway.

I'm just hoping Kirby moves to Nantucket.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2002:

A guy took a porn acting class

(at first, he just hoped he could pass)--

but when 'twas discovered

could spooj like a mother

he shot to the head of the ass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2002:

I read that the Beltway Sniper's weapon of choice was the Bushmaster rifle.

This is simply a cheap tie-in to ease my transition into the telling of a story from childhood.

Me and a friend once wrote a computer program called "Bush Master." The user would input any sexual activity he enjoyed, gaining points with each one, earning titles along the way until one day, it was hoped, rising to Bush Master.

Yes, it was an ugly little exercise. But pubescent boys will be pubescent boys.

The program was modeled on Dungeons & Dragons. In D&D, as you gain treasures, slay monsters, etc., you gain experience points and, with enough experience points, you gain "levels." You go from a level one wizard to a level two wizard, etc. Each level usually has a title, too. You obviously have to rise to something like "wizard" or "sorcerer" from being a lowly prestidigitator, or something.

I forget all the titles along the way in our little program. But I remember that stuff like kissing, grabbing a breast (which we lovingly called a "gazooba grab"), having sex in various positions, etc., were all worth a certain amount of points.

Needless to say, while we actually used the program, neither of us even gained level two.

So, as we all are in danger of suffering from Sniper Trivia Overload, I thought I'd give you another view on the Bushmaster...

I saw a help wanted ad for a "driver" yesterday. Not just a driver--a "Wild and Untamed" driver.

I know this is probably a horrendous job and they're using the "Wild and Untamed" description to lure in unsuspecting job seekers. In Chicago, anyway, there is always an ad for "general employment" people with "Rock and Roll attitude!" I once called one of these, years upon years ago, and found out that it was some Godawful telemarketing job.

Nonetheless, who the hell would want to hire a driver looking for a "Wild and Untamed" work environment? Ahh! Domino's!...

The other day, me and the wife visited a couple friend of ours and, in surveying the husband's CD collection, found that he had one composed of Abba cover songs.

Now, I know that Abba has recently become hip among non-gay guys, too. But cover songs? And it gets gayer--the songs were performed by Erasure.

It's hard to get gayer than this--outside of Capri pants and a mouthful of teabaggin' fare.

I don't accuse the guy of being gay, mind you--especially since he happens to be from another country, and foreigners (especially Europeans) are "gayer" than their American counterparts, naturally.

My wife defended the guy, citing it as a "good thing" that more and more men are "embracing their feminine side" or, as I like to put it, "gayin' it up."

But I'm a very vocal critic of this sort of behavior.

And I happen to know that a lot of gay guys share my view, although they'd state it in a more politically correct fashion. Many gays are turned-off by breeders co-opting their culture. And here's a disclaimer I always give when touching on this topic: There's absolutely nothing wrong with acting gay--if you're gay! And you can still be manly (excuse my use of the term) while being a biggest flaming queen around! But until you're out of the closet, I reserve the right to call you a girly man or Nancy boy if you don't conform to my superficial standards of manliness!

I think that, at some point, men needed to become a little less manly. My father's generation, for instance, found most dads having trouble saying "I love you" to their kids. And, as someone who's not a big sports fan, I like the idea that many other guys share my view--and only the most manly of guys question whether I'm "light in the loafers" because of my lack of sports knowledge.

But we're now too touchy-feely. We've now raised a generation of young men who, in contrast to the generations of the Great Wars, overwhelmingly have a problem with enlisting to defend our country even after attackers flew fuckin' planes into the World Trade Center!

Our society does not value balance. Generations of men, for instance, "Kept the woman down," and now, as a way of getting back (somehow) at folks who are long dead, it's completely acceptable to write off a man's needs (as sleazy as they are) in relationships, for instance--and we're to be considered equal partners while, of course, the man should still shell out for those first dates.

And so, we have the Pussification of America going on.

Men: Out of the spas. No "sports pedicures"! And you're completely rational in questioning whether you should tap your toes to Abba when out on the town!

Slappin' and Yappin'--Your Personal Guide to Superficial Standards! 

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/27/2002:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

Rainsong X

She blessed me with color and fragrance;

she left me with a headache.

In the rain she walked home.

She didn't need a light.

I listen to her footsteps grow fainter,

part of the falling sky.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2002:

To young to fuck, too old to toddle

a twelve-year-old boy finds a model

in some sort of pic

and whips out his prick

and proceeds to give it a throttle.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2002:

As has been a tradition for the last few years, me and the wife are renting "scary" movies this Halloween season.

One of this year's picks was, "The Mothman Prophecies."

The lead character, played by Richard Gere, just so happens to be a newspaper reporter.

Which got me thinking: Foreigners (and aliens to whom TV transmissions are accidentally beamed to) must think that three out of four American citizens are journalists.

And if they've witnessed Hollywood's "commitment" to accuracy, they undoubtedly think, from shows like "Mind of the Married Man," that we, as a group, make a whole lot of money--and movies like "Never Been Kissed" have led them to believe that even lowly copy editors have offices and personal assistants.

Hey--we're blacking out on cream-filled pastries these days. Time to give up on journalists, Hollywood.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2002:

A "go-go" costumed girl in Tucson

got down with a "ghost" on a futon.

As they did undress

he had one request:

For her to please, PLEASE leave the boots on!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2002:

I recently penned a big manifesto in this space about how I've appointed myself the Manliness Moderator of a rapidly pussifying world. To recap, until you come out of the closet, I can rip you for gayin' it up (although "gayin' it up" is perfectly acceptable if you're, well, gay).

Here's an example of how this works:

Justin Timberlake is a girly man.

Oh, you've suspected it all along. Despite him bein' with Britney for a while (although reports indicate he didn't manage to fully farm her goods, so to speak), he's immediately suspect for having a) well-cared-for curly hair; and b) singin' and dancin' with a bunch of other guys, which out the Acceptability Exception of writing decent music.

But Mr. (or is it "Ms."?) Timberlake told some celebrity kiss-ass pathetic excuse for a publication that his obsession with buying watches and SHOES--yes, the operative girly man term here being shows--"has gotten really sick."

Now it's official! He's a girly man!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2002:

A whore's Halloween masquerade

ball brought much biz as a French maid.

Her johns--what a mess!--

were season'bly dressed--

it's been a real bitch gettin' paid!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2002:

I overhear quite a bit of buzz about "The Bachelor," which only fuels my pessimism about the future of the human race.

I generally just shake my head and quietly lose hope by the second, but when I did confront somebody about the show, they told me the show is "so stupid, it's fun to make fun of."

Uh-uh.

We've reached an all new level now. There's long been a Positive Stupidity phenomenon whereby something can, in fact, become so stupid that it actually becomes entertaining. Sometimes, creators of movies, shows, etc., actually shoot for this level of stupidity, ala "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

But "The Bachelor" is but one case study in a whole new phenomenon. Works so stupid they descend into Positive Stupidity--but keep on going into a realm of such moronity that, beyond even having "no redeeming qualities," they radiate waves that actually create "anti-redeeming qualities." As soon as a study is done, I'm sure we'll find that shows like "The Bachelor" kill brain cells to the same extent as hard drugs.

Taking it to another level: Hollywood, U.S.A.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2002:

A man who, of women, was chicken

craved giving some hot babe a dickin'--

the first trick of treata'

gave him an idea--

so he bought the treat of a trickin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2002:

The National Association of Cosmetologists has filed suit against the Rev. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton over their "defaming" the profession through protesting the movie "Barbershop."

This marks the first time I'm actually happy about a frivolous lawsuit...

Michael Ovitz, a former Disney CEO, has been charged with sicking (SIC?) his dogs on a Beverly Hills woman out walking her own dogs.

Sounds like it's likely a case of somebody seeking an "angle" to sue somebody with a whole lot of money. But, then again, it doesn't seem so outrageous when one considers the Disney corporation overall...

Starving Zambians a reportedly refusing to eat genetically altered corn.

Choosing to die for their principles?

Is anybody still doubting whether Political Correctness has become a form of religion?

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

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If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's, or Theater of the Droll's, e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

©1999-2002 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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