Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2003

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a lukewarm attempt at a blog and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

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***

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2003:

Now, Cali pow'r players will try

to sway Ah-nold, seeking to buy

him with gifts of Season

but it stands to reason

that he's a "grab bag" kind of guy.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2003:

The Pentagon is now seeking to get the U.S. out of Afghanistan, with NATO taking over transitional duties, so that we can focus most of our efforts on Iraq.

So let's get this straight. America was attacked on Sept. 11 2001 by an organization harbored by Afghanistan. Iraq, well... Iraq doesn't seem to have had anything whatsoever to do with Sept. 11 or any other attack on American interests, so we're... Why do I bother?

Analyzing government with logic is kinda like comparing apples to time-space theory...

USA Weekend yesterday offered some tips for putting together those ubiquitous (and growing more ubiquitous by the year) holiday newsletters.

If that isn't aiding and abetting terrorism, I don't know what is...

I'm making an effort to stop using the term "Politically Correct" and all its derivatives, including "Politically Incorrect."

We are still under attack by, for lack of a better term (obviously) Political Correctness, but the term itself has been neutered.

For one, the term has taken on such a negative tone that, like "yuppie," virtually nobody uses it in a "good" way. It's been at least ten years since I've heard something like, "Don't say that--it's not 'politically correct'" in a non-joking manner.

Republicans and Democrats throw the term about accusingly. Even our High Priests of Political Correctism throw the phrase around disparagingly, kinda like the SUV driving, multiple-credit-cards-maxed-out-to-keep-up-with-the-Joneses, homeless-insulting guy who, blissfully unaware (or perhaps in denial), calls another a "yuppie."

And the term is actually becoming a mere slur, like "asshole," that doesn't need to fit a definition other than describing someone or something one doesn't like.

I read a letter to the editor in the Nov. 28 Chicago Reader by a writer complaining about a movie review of "Mystic River." According to this armchair pundit, good things were written about the movie solely because liking the movie is "politically correct."

I combed over "Mystic River" reviews to find evidence of P.C. stuff in the film, as the letter writer didn't bolster his point (stats and facts are sooo last century, it seems more and more). But other than the fact that one character was sexually abused as a child, I'm at a loss.

Bemoaning the new uselessness of yet another once-fine term, I tried to find solace by seeking marital relations with my wife. Which didn't work out so well.

I guess my advances were politically incorrect somehow...

A new disorder has been identified:

Hurried Woman Syndrome.

Hey guys. She's not ripping into you viciously because she's a bitch. She has a disease, and you're the asshole for not seeing that...

I also read today about Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.

This "syndrome" is a fine impetus for jokery of all kinds, of course. But it is a serious thing--one woman described having something on the order of 800 orgasms in a day.

But there is a cure: Marriage...

I've been thinking: You know how we live in a "Representative Democracy"? That is, things are too complicated for every person to vote on every little matter so we hire representatives to work full-time (ha) researching and voting on every little matter of importance (or, often times, non-importance in importance's clothing)?

Well I think we've evolved beyond that. The point of the "Representative Democracy" was that we were always entitled to "check-up" on the jobs our reps were doing.

In case you haven't noticed, there's not a lot of supervision going on. In fact, the asses of the majority are often saved by the vigilant few activists, pundits, what-have-you. That is, representatives to care what the hell's happening to our lives and liberties.

We now live in a "Representative Give-A-Shit" society...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

TV carpenter Andre Dan-Jumbo.

The proof is in the pudding.

And the pudding is in his pants, of course.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/1/2003:

> John:

>

> Not be be ungrateful, but if you would take me off your list, I would have

> one fewer e-mail to delete every day. Thanks.

>

> Neil Steinberg

Well, at least this is from a columnist at the Chicago Sun-Times.

The critics have spoken!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2003:

In gay households, Christmas ain't sleeping.

In many, tradition they're keeping

with hearty gay touch--

the "Twelve Days" as such

include the "Seven Lords a'Steeping."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2003:

Some new study finds that dieting makes you dumb.

Well, perhaps not dumb. But not on-the-ball, at least. It found that dieters have less ability to concentrate on things, largely because they're focused on their diet (or perhaps fantasizing about Ding Dongs and stuff).

America is now amid a health-conscious fad (allegedly). That means that a rather high percentage of us are "dieting" (although I'm not sure how that term was defined by these studiers of things). And I know simply by living life and meeting people that approximately 99 percent of women are perpetually dieting, which accounts for about half of the population alone.

So this explains both "reality" TV and the popularity of Dave Matthews...

"The Tracy Morgan" show debuts tonight. And it should be good, what with 19 producers and all.

Yup. Nineteen fuckin' producers.

As you know, dieting is especially big in Hollywood...

Javier Jimenez wants to go fight in Iraq, as he did in the first Gulf War.

But he might not be able to. You see, he never bothered to officially become a citizen.

Meanwhile, natural born citizens of prime military age can't be bothered with fighting for their country, what with all the new video games and preparations for future Keeping Up With the Joneses. Given, the attack on Iraq had little to do with American security (unless your motto is, "Give me oil or give me death!"), but take-it-all-for-granted slackerism was well-documented when it was time to fight the Taliban who, in fact, DID support an attack on the U.S.

Nobody becomes a new U.S. citizen without passing a test on our constitution and governmental system. Studies also show that recent immigrants have a much greater likelihood of voting than do natural citizens.

Perhaps we should just kick everybody out and start all over again...

Confirming (sort of) the alleged fears of far-right morons, a polygamist in Utah is claiming that the Supreme Court's striking down of anti-sodomy laws also means "Government out of the Bedroom" when it concerns multiple wives.

As far as I'm concerned, if a man wants multiple wives, and the individual women are of the age-of-consent and willing to share the ol' marital bed with other dames, who the fuck cares?

And I'll set aside the nightmarish notion of being nagged by MORE THAN ONE wife for a moment here.

Right-wing wackos claim that polygamy is another thing that would "cheapen" marriage, but you gotta figure that increasing your wife inventory helps ensure that ONE of the marriages might not see divorce...

Belgian athlete Kim Cjijsters is not going to the Olympics this time around.

It seems that Cjijsters has a contract with clothing maker Fila, while the Belgian team's official sponsor is Adidas.

This is the 21st Century. And we're getting our priorities straight, once and for all.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2003:

One Yule Time, when the Christmas sled

by young famous Rudolph was led

Met groupie reindeer

with motives quite clear--

more than Rudolph's nose lit up red.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2003:

Some company has announced a new product known as "All Holiday Lights." This means that consumers can choose the colors (red and green for Christmas, pink and red for St. Valentine's, etc.) and just leave the lights up year-round.

If you've witnessed the recent rise of Halloween and St. Valentine's Day and Fourth of July and St. Patrick's Day and other lights... Well, I'm sure you have an opinion on this.

I have an opinion on this.

Oh, do I have an opinion on this.

I suppose it's time to lube up and bend over for the marketing profession while making out my Flag Day wish list...

Another new product in the news today is the GloFish--the first genetically altered creature to view available to the general consumership.

The fish, well, glows. Or perhaps it just "glos."

Aw, lighten up, critics. It's not like we've already fucked our environment all to hell or anything; why not introduce shit like glowing fish to our ever-responsible 8-year-olds...

Hooray!

The U.S. is going to pay to full travel homecoming expenses now for military personnel active in Iraq and Afghanistan! Just for those active in those two countries and just for now!

So... The U.S. hasn't paid full homecoming expenses for service folk all this time?

I guess that just wouldn't be fair. I mean, paying full expenses could cost an arm and a leg whereas in return soldiers merely sacrifice... Er... Well...

The new demographic coveted by those seeking the 2004 U.S. Presidency is:

NASCAR dads.

That oughta put to rest all those Soccer Mom jokes...

In the December issue of MAD, Luke Clover writes in about a previous issue being confiscated by authorities at his grade school because it included "partial nudity, bad language and a couple having sex."

Why don't we just call this coming year "1904 Part II" and go back to the 2000s when we're all good and ready...

I had a magical "psychic" moment today.

At work, we have a clipboard that serves as our "Message Board." (Nonprofits can't afford voicemail.) When I come in, I'm usually one of the first in the office, so I take a fresh piece of scratch paper, clip it onto the MB and write the day of week and date at the top.

Today, I briefly wondered if Rush Limbaugh had spilled some of his Magic Beans into my coffee when someone pointed out that I'd written "Wednesday, Nov. 3, 2004" on the top.

I didn't' just foul up the month. I fouled up the year, too. But I did get the day-of-week right.

Curious, I looked up the accidentally written date in a desk calendar.

Yup. Nov. 3, 2004 will be a Wednesday.

So, does anybody out there have the e-mailing list of John Edward?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2003:

At a bach'lor party for Joe

the liquor and hookers did flow.

Keeping with Joe's dream

had a Christmas theme--

you should've seen the "Mistle-'ho'."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2003:

Okay, class. Let's discuss the literature in question.

I think the word should be spelled "'ho'" because an "'" connotes a letter or letters dropped and appears in the direction of said letters. That is, "'cause" for "BEcause" and "dis'" for disRESPECT" and, in this case, letters are dropped from both sides of the word.

Let the fierce and exciting debate ensue!...

Speaking of exciting... Well, this is more UNexciting. The reasons behind the fact that this edition is filed quite late, that is.

(What, am I infected with the ghost of Winston Churchill partially today?)

But I have a lot of delightful stuff cookin' in my Notebook Which is Prone to Being Lost. (Or, NWIPTOBEL, to the hip. Or markedly unhip. It's a matter of taste, really.)

So I figure, as long as I'm beefin' up for Sundays--actually, perhaps "fluffin'" is more accurate--and cheezin' down for Saturday, I might as well slack a wee bit on Thursdays (although today is not a textbook example of a slackin' a "wee bit") and, on Friday--which WILL start tomorrow--have an Extra-Special, Pull-Out Weekend Entertainment Section!

Except you won't exactly be able to pull it out. Unless you print it and cut it up... In which case you are a psycho and should turn yourself in to authorities and explain that it is a preemptive strike against the dangerous pervert within.

Ahem.

Oh, and this Extra-Special, Pull-Out Weekend Entertainment Section... Well, it won't really even be a section unto itself, actually. Unless you print it out and arrange it and... Hmmm.

Ahem.

Well, it won't even be entertainment-related. Necessarily, anyway. Perhaps accidentally. Occasionally.

So it won't be much of an Extra-Special, Pull-Out Weekend Section.

But when I start seriously workin' on the Wednesday Kick-Ass Food Section...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2003:

The party scene just grows less hearty;

work fests banning booze--e'en Bacardi!

By adding two letters

can make things much better

with Christmastime oRIffice parties!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2003:

Oh my. Did this day get screwed-up. Electricity out on one entire wall and... Well, suffice it to say that the Extra-Special, Pull-Out Weekend Entertainment Section is even lousier than expected.

But a Happy Martin van Buren's birthday to all of you!...

We had a party in our apartment during my first pathetic attempt at college back in the '80s. We found out that the day we planned the party happened to be MVB's birthday and thus made a theme of it. Martin van Buren "fortune cookies" (tollhouse cookies sloppily wrapped around nuggets of MVB info)... Oh, the festivities. There was a hamster high-diving act, too. Or was that another party?

Anyway, the funniest thing I remember is from the flyers. I drew a picture of Martin van Buren and on his head drew a tattoo of "VB" in the style Van Halen did their little "VH"--with the a couple horizontal lines shooting off of the "H" (or in our case, off of the "B").

Well, let's just say we're starting Cheezy Saturday a bit early.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/5/2003:

> A Wednesday food section? You're being haunted by Natalie Haughton.

Natalie Haughton, for readers less hip... Er, for readers more fortunate, was (and possibly still is) the food editor of the Los Angeles Daily News.

Never heard of it? As I said, "more fortunate."

But anyway... Natalie Haughton, Winston Churchill; potato, bananas foster...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2003:

A toymaking elf chick felt blue;

toy table footsie got her through.

Male elves don't aim low

oft causing Big O--

(that's why they wear long, pointy shoes).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2003:

The Chicago Tribune's "RedEye"--the tabloid trying to capture that 18-35-year-old hipness in something like 300 words or less over 20 pages or so--came out with the breaking news this week that... Ahem.

Sit down. Prepare yourself for the Shock and Awe:

Not everybody like Britney Spears.

There is a backlash.

Now, I know what you're saying.

(Oh, and, yes, it was from this week. No, it was most certainly 2004... RedEye wasn't even around five years ago and... Let me proceed.)

They have proof. Web sites and stuff.

So, are you feeling more "shock" or more "awe"?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2003:

His Christmas Spirit needed kickin'

so to give his Scrooge Side a lickin'

a whore helped ol' Harold--

his young Christmas Carol

got one hell of a Christmas Dicken(s).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2003:

The Great Reconstruction of the Daily Limerick Web Site for the Big Fifth Anniversary is officially underway.

Really. I mean it. A find-able Web domain name is part of the plan.

I've decided to go partial geek with the thing. That is, I'm not going to hire somebody to do the site--even though I know that it's not so tough to find some college whiz kid in bad need of something to show for a portfolio for cheap--but I'm not going to learn the HTML and such to do it, as I did for the ridiculously impressive current Web home.

As on the current site I've labeled this "a blog since before the term blog" (and I paraphrase, which is a frightening thing to do with one's own work), I finally got around to looking into the world of blogs. I had been operating under the assumption that, since blogs were being trumpeted as hip, I should latch onto that, but it wasn't until this week that I looked into them.

Have you looked at/read some of these? For your own mental health, I hope not too much.

Suffice it to say, I won't be trying to latch onto the blog angle anymore. In fact, I may have to distance myself from it...

Every Christmas season, I marvel at the timeless quality of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." And every year, I realize some new facet of the tale or of its influence on our culture.

This year I've noted a less-than-savory  effect of the work on our culture--although that's not ol' Charlie's fault. "A Christmas Carol" paved the way for countless bad, holiday-themed sitcom parodies...

And to round-out this Special, er, Pull-Out Christmas Section, a word about gifts:

Gift Certificates: When it's the thought that counts, but you don't want to put much thought into it...

Chicago Alderman are all pro-active now about the fact that a new study or survey or whatever concludes that Chicago Public School children have an even higher rate of obesity than the rest of our fat-ass pool of kids.

This, of course, demands their immediate attention. It's not some icing-on-the-cake concern like, for instance, literacy...

One bright idea coming out of the City Council is requiring schools to serve students breakfast.

The worry, you see, is no longer Big Brother. He has a permanent seat at the societal table.

But make way for Big Mother...

This week Illinois saw its first successful prosecution under a semi-new law allowing the state, in cases of drug overdose, to so those who sold and/or provided the drugs involved to the overdosee.

As the armies in the War on Personal Responsibility continue to amass along our borders...

Still happy with the war on smoking? Still thinking it's not going to go beyond attacking this most politically incorrect of behaviors?

Do to resounding success on that from, the anti-drinking forces are amassing now, too.

After a crack-down on college student intoxication in Virginia, here's what a Fairfax County police spokesman had to say: "You can't be drunk in a bar."

Thanks again, Do-Gooder Busybodies Overly Concerned with What the Rest of Us are Doing to Our Bodies...

Now that we've reach a point of complete "low fat" and "low cal" reference saturation, we can throw the term "low carb" into the mix.

My, our generation is exciting! Moderate drinking, no smoking allowed, tasteless (but healthy) snacks--oh, the parties are swinging!

Shouldn't we more properly be dubbed "Generation Z"?...

McDonald's has announced that its chicken nuggets will now be All White Meat.

Ah. So that's why I used to like their nuggets more than the other guy's.

Dark Meat Lovers: The next minority open to abuse. Just as soon as the smokers are completely beat to a pulp and we need another one...

Casual Male Big & Tall makes clothes for the larger man.

Its CEO, David Levin, recently said: "...with the obesity of America, there's so many more men coming in..." Hmmm.

This is the third time I've noticed the trend, so its official: The public is so apathetic that the pretension of good intentions is no longer necessary...

I must mention, however, that I have lately noticed the appearance of ads trumpeting establishments as having "Smoking Permitted" policies.

Who could have predicted that meddling with other people through good intentions would backfire in a "Forbidden Fruit" kinda way? I mean, we only have like 5,000+ years of ignorance-fueled, constantly repeating history to go by!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Christian Feverstein.

Perfect poster child for one wing of the American Taliban...

And:

Jim Nutt.

Unlike many, he's at his best when a'salted.

And:

Eddie Corkery.

At any moment, he's gonna pop.

And:

Brigette Bouquet.

She's just a shell of a life since being deflowered.

And:

Patricia House.

Her warming party was a gang bang.

And:

Cindy Trim.

Not cool. Not hip. And certainly not phat.

And:

Patricia Leeper.

She was a looker first.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/7/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: THC

colorways of parchment;

a vale of eyes, her sight

is one of fire, of smoke

and pleasing aftereffects

which will not be reminded

of their duty to derelict

the night. not this night --

no, this night these eyes

are telling flames to flinch,

mouths to embody rich new dreams.

through the smoke, she does not

expect you to understand. or to

take her hand. or to ever land.

colorways of parchment;

a vale of eyes. writing lashes

and testing ashes. flinch.

that is what she knows.

i regret the smoke is thinner

here and thicker still.

the

heat

cools;

there she

goes.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2003:

Poor Bubbles the elf girl did seem

to have lost sight of all her dreams.

A new age crock therapist

thought he'd take care of it

by building her elf-esteem.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2003:

My Christmas Season musing of the day:

Why are others' religions so offensive?

There is nothing more offensive, it seems, than the display of somebody else's religion.

I know that we have a separation of church and state and all that and that the holidays, er, I mean, Christmas (they're getting to me) brings a bunch of thorny issues to the table. But... Well, this may shock you, but our society tends to go overboard on things.

Throw a Godawful sculpture on city property? No biggie. Have a wing of the U.S. Government (the USPS) work in-league with the necrophiliac rape of Dr. Seuss' corpse (the new "Cat in the Hat" movie)? (Yawn.) Evidence that other people don't follow the same religion as us--tear it down! Freakin' tear it down! We're having a hard enough time with OUR organized religion skirting around the science that shows it to be bullshit without being reminded that it's even more complicated, that (gasp) OTHER PEOPLE DON'T THINK EXACTLY LIKE US!...

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, in a Rolling Stone interview, ripped into Bush's Iraq doings.

Conveniently for the Bush Team, Kerry used a naughty word.

So, of course, rather than debating the sum of Kerry's words, the Bush team can simply bitch and moan ONE WORD of it...

White House spinmeister Andy Card on Iraq: "Things are going better than they could have been expected to go at this point."

As we all know, the majority of Americans supported Bush when he told us that Saddam doesn't have Weapons of Mass Destruction and that our troops are going to be slaughtered.

We didn't expect that it'd go this well...

New York Burgermeister Bloomberg has now went after 200 businesses in his War on Smoking.

There was not necessarily any smoking going on in these businesses. But they had ASHTRAYS. And ashtrays encourage people to smoke.

Despite how this may appear upon initial consideration, it's time for another reminder: This war on smoking is about PUBLIC HEALTH. It is not about a bunch of whack-job health-fascists who can't stand the fact that some people don't make the same health and vice decisions as they do...

Three burglars in the Illinois suburb of Aurora managed to shoot one another during a weekend crime foray.

Dig up Moe, Larry and Curly. Just to make sure they're still in their graves...

I mentioned more than once in this space my belief that anybody with an IQ slightly higher than a baboon can pen a typical advice column, so here's a chance for readers to try it at home.

Here's a letter to an advice columnist from today's edition of my local newspaper. Actually, you only need the first line to craft an answer:

"I met this guy online..."...

Why, when I use my ATM credit/debit card in those ATM credit/debit card machines, does it ask if I "want to use my PIN" for a "credit" purchase?

I don't HAVE to use my pin. Do some people get thrills out of using their PIN?

Whoever designed these machines was a real PINhead...

Lately, the City of Chicago, like most cities and states across our fair nation, is in the financial crapper. As is it's transportation authority (the CTA).

So, as there has lately been an increase in bus drivers slamming the door on me before I can enter a bus and/or slamming the door and hitting the gas without noticing me at the end of the boarding line, I have just assumed that the reason has been budget cuts putting CTA employees on a "rush rush" schedule.

But today, after having to pound on the bus door to prevent the lunatic driver from barreling off without me, I stumbled upon another reason:

The bus driver was piddling around with his cell phone and all its gadgetry.

Which brings me to some Godawful punnery I've been dying to use: There's a reason they call them terrorist CELLS...

My sister has an acquaintance who is big on the "punish your child humanely" school. Because, of course, in a world full of road-raging, I-must-be-entertained-every-waking-second adults, what the world needs is even wimpier discipline for children destined to take over as the Moron Majority of the future.

This chick thinks even "time outs" are too harsh. One day, her obnoxious asshole to-be wanted daddy to stay home from work--and so daddy had to stay home from work.

In fifteen years or so, when you're run down by a hummer for taking too long to cross the street, you may wanna look this chick up...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Steven Gutterman.

You don't want him on your bowling team.

And:

Irene Flood.

Don't let her hem your pant legs.

And:

Peggy Pitts.

She just lets life's little setbacks roll(on) over her.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2003:

One Christmas time, Frosty just lost it

a chick passed him, and was accosted

the case hit the jury;

found "guilt" in a hurry

for the dame's pubic hair was frosted.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2003:

News of a new Paris Hilton video showing sexual antics in which Paris has a ball--make that FOUR balls, as there are two men--with male Abercrombie & Firtch models begs the obvious question:

How did she find, not one, but TWO straight, male models?...

Judging from recent news stories, the "Atkins 'Diet'" is one of the hottest, hippest things going!

So despite its questionable effect on health, people are jumping all over it for their own short-term satisfaction.

Kinda like smoking.

Which is not the hottest, hippest thing going right now.

To each his own. Unless most of us don't like YOUR own...

I was almost floored when, in checking a software Web site recently, I spied a still-loading ad with the words: "Lacie Hot Sellers!"

I though, "Could it be that the adverb connotes a seller as 'hot' as the Lacie PETERSON story? You know, the story that, judging from the amount of coverage it receives, is one of the most important, far-reaching stories in the news today?"

If so, I admired the guts of the advertiser.

Then it fully loaded and read "LaCie," which must be some computer-related brand.

So, I guess "LaCie" will avoid public hubbub and get off SCOTT-free...

Lacie Hot Sellers

It just hit me: At an alleged "Housewarming" party thrown be me and The Wife last Friday--well, thrown mostly by The Wife-- we received no housewarming gifts.

Hmm.

Well, considering the average temperature of the condo (we don't control the heat), I guess a house-cooling party wasn't so bad.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2003:

An immigrant kid--Christmas rookie

misheard advice for milk and cookies.

Santa left Samir

the most gifts that year

thanks to Sam's sis's milk and nookie.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2003:

The value of the U.S. dollar has hit an 11-year low.

Just keeping you up-to-date on the latest news surrounding our jobless (and now dollar-worth-less) recovery...

Although Congress obviously hasn't a clue how to add jobs (and other things) to this stellar economic recovery, they have saw fit to pass a "Do Not Spam" law, which, apparently, will do a fine job of wasting millions and causing spam artists to circumvent the system while placing much of the responsibility for reporting the spam to us...

Wen Jiaboa, the Chinese Head Cheese, met with Bush yesterday.

China is concerned about Taiwan, which was long ago a part of China and, according to China, still part of the country. Taiwan, however, is a budding democracy that wants no part of China and is about to pass a largely toothless resolution on the matter that will nonetheless piss China off and likely hasten China's inevitable attack on the renegade island.

Bush took this opportunity to advise Taiwan to "keep the status quo" and not cause trouble right now.

Did I mention that China is a communist country with a hideous human rights record? And, like North Korea and Cuba, the nation is subject to embargoes and sanctions and, well, Most Favored Nation trading status and... Hmmm.

Well, China has a LOT of people and is a source of a LOT of money for U.S. businesses, which in turn have a LOT of money for Dubya's re-election campaign.

Sorry about the explanation, but we had to get to the bottom of exactly what "status quo" we're talking of upholding here...

Wen also accused Taiwan's Big Cheese, Chen Chui-bian, of using democracy as "an excuse to pursue independence."

We Jiabao, Chen Chui-bian, democracy as an "excuse to pursue independence."

Freedom would seem to be a decent reason for pursuing independence. However, it's a lousy "excuse" for not upholding the status quo...

More evidence that, as scary as they are, our enemies are bound to fail because they're high on that Old Time Religion and, well, stupid:

Two female suicide bombers in Russia blew themselves up far across the street from their intended target, the Kremlin.

They were reportedly wandering around, lost, repeatedly asking for directions to the Kremlin.

I guess that maps are a no-no. Something like that can give folks a sense of individuality. And that's not Allah'd... er, allowed...

More evidence of an era first identified by S&Y, the Age of Such Cynicism That Bad Intentions Need No More Hiding (or, The Age That's Name Keeps Changing in S&Y):

From a Verizon Wireless brochure:

"Discover the world of Blah."

It's going to get harder and harder to insult stuff, now that things that were formerly slurs are turning brag-worthy...

Speaking of the cultural terrorism known as advertising, I overheard an infomercial last night asking viewers if they "Don't have the time to eat right?"

The TIME to eat right?

Raw broccoli. Pick from bag; rinse; eat.

Bring on the next concern of our rapidly plumping population, please...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Oolong Smith.

The name fits her to a tea.

And:

Former ATF director Bradley A. Buckles.

A government agency felt he was the best man to handle duties that are often quite stressful. Nothing like Buckles under pressure.

And

Jack Spicer.

Makes a mean chili.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2003:

An elf's face did meet Santa's fist

because the elf stole Santa's List

and, reading who was naughty

alone in the potty

was caught exercising his wrist.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2003:

The NFL's upcoming "Lingerie Bowl," featuring supermodels in, er, "lingerie" of sorts, will debut during the coming Super Bowl.

This, of course, has been a hubbub magnet, with most of the hubbub coming from folks who won't even be watching.

So Dodge, the "Lingerie Bowl" sponsor, has made some changes to allegedly "satisfy" those who won't satisfied until fun has been completely outlawed.

The models, or players, or model players, or whatever, will be wearing shorts and sports bras.

And here's a prediction for anybody who will be watching the Bowl among a group: Prepare to become nauseous over all the "tight end" jokes...

Do you recall that 170-pound, 12-year-old boy who killed a six-year-old girl by "playing" wrestling with her--and ended up with life in prison?

In general, I think murderers should never be released from prison--unless there are extenuating circumstances, of which being 12-years-of-age, and/or possibly not intending murder, may very well qualify. (Although if the kid really thought such "wrestling" moves were harmless... Well, perhaps we've reached the point of needing Felony Stupidity laws.)

Well, now an appeals court in Florida--and you knew it had to be Florida or Texas puttin' a 12-year-old away for life--has voided the earlier ruling.

The young moron's lawyer is happy about this, of course. He said, "I feel like somebody lifted a 200-pound weight off my head."

It's too bad somebody wasn't there to lift a 170-pound weight off the 6-year-old's head...

Although it's currently only pertinent to things meant for school children--which brings up other frightening situations, to be sure--I read today about a general ban on ads for "fatty" foods.

Obviously glad to say "I told you so," I've said it before and will say it many, many times again:

We all thought it was a good thing when they did this sort of thing with tobacco, but nobody listened to those like me...

I also read today that, at least in the Chicago Public Schools, there is no recess.

At the same time, city council members are brainstorming for all sorts of meddling proposals to curb the childhood obesity epidemic...

A little-seen cable channel called Trio is soon to air an extensive expose on the Golden Globes.

Turns out, these awards are mainly given out for ass-kissing, gift-giving and the like.

I'd never heard about Trio before this, but now I'm excited over the possibilities.

I just hope they're not gonna reveal that those "X-Ray Goggles" are a scam. I almost have enough saved up...

Musician Ryan Adams is known to be especially touchy about those who joke and "mistakenly" treat him like BRYAN Adams.

Today, I saw an ad for Ryan's new album. (And why do we stil call them "albums"?) On the cover, Ryan is dressed in jeans and a jean jacket, holding a guitar, much like... Bryan Adams.

Well, if nothing else, he missed his chance to (allegedly) bang Princess Di...

Headline from an Chicago Tribune e-newsletter:

"Crash Injures Woman Discussing Michael Jackson on Radio Talk-Show via Cell Phone While Driving SUV."

Put that one in a time capsule...

Readers of the only remotely worthy advice column in major circulation, "Savage Love," are probably aware of Dan Savage's campaign to immortalize gay-bashing senator Rick Santorum by dubbing the anal sex residue mix of poop and lube, "Santorum."

So I wanna do the same thing with NY Smoking Nazi Michael Bloomberg.

Just not sure what I want to name after him. So send in your ideas.

(That's a laugh in itself.)

Otherwise, I'm on the lookout for some other flaming moron to give a "Bloomberg Award" to.

In the meantime, I'm referring to him as "Bloombergermeister"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

(And I didn't make this one up.)

Kittyporn Arunrat.

He's Thai. Some of his recipes are Michael Jackson's favorite take-outs.

And:

Helen Shivers.

A calming presence. Really helps you chill out.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/11/2003:

Blah

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2003:

Marketers won't quit 'til we're copping

Christmas-buying mood that's non-stopping--

year-round's what they seek.

We still have two weeks

but they call it "last-minute" shopping!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2003:

Jon Johanson is stuck at the South Pole; his airplane is out of gas.

He's no scientist or government worker. He's a member of this annoying club of older, well-to-do, white men who go adventuring as a way to keep busy and hopefully ensure that "adventure scholars" of tomorrow will keep their names alive forever.

New Zealand, Australia and the U.S. are refusing to sell the guy any fuel. It seems these governments have a policy, exclusive to the South Pole, not to help out these adventurers, due to the constraints it places on resources, workers, etc.

I can barely stop applauding this policy. Now if we can only apply it to knucklehead missionaries getting in trouble in dangerous nations...

An ad for Zanies comedy club of Chicago, pumping up performer John Pinette, in part reads:

"The carjack victim from the last episode of 'Seinfeld.'"

I know, I know. People want to see somebody who's been on TV or in movies; material, intelligence, ability to write material--none of these things are important anymore.

This is not intended as a slur against Pinette. I'm sure his three seconds of on-camera mugging was unforgettable during that "Seinfeld"...

Speaking of shameless celebrity worship, did you realize that "People" is a "lifestyle" magazine?

Along with "Stalking Times"...

Thank heavens for the "Blue Man Group"!

I've long noted that they form a convenient, no-thought-required  way for suburbanites to cruise into the city and suddenly become "cultured."

Now, I'm realizing another important function of BMG:

Providing mainstream daily newspapers with SOMETHING to put under "performance art" in their Weekend Pull-Out Sections...

(Does that last nugget qualify THIS as the long-anticipated, Extra-Special, Pull-Out Weekend Entertainment Section?)...

Came across this phrase today, describing a theater show:

"Elegantly mounted."

Somehow, I think this one can be worked into a pick-up line...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Barbara Yells.

Never stood a chance for that library job.

And:

Australian Foreign Minister Alexander Downer.

A real pill.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2003:

A nymph on a Christmas Eve dare

met Santa in lingerie fare.

His glorious cocking

left her fishnet stockings

hung by the chimney with no care.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2003:

Readers with a sharp eye--and a desperate need to get a life--may note that I have used the phrase, "glorious cocking" in past Daily Limericks and, I believe, it was for a Christmas-themed one (even I'm not pathetic enough to go searching for the details).

I'm especially proud of having coined this phrase.

So, for today's Extra Cheezy Saturday Edition, I encourage you to take a moment to reflect upon the phrase.

"Glorious Cocking."

Ahh. The magic of language!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2003:

Now Mrs. Claus sure isn't selfish;

if Jewish, she'd share her gefeltefish

but she turned mean creature

when young junior's features

matured to be quite a bit elvish.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2003:

With special, er, "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE!!!...

How the hell do you spell "gefeltefish," by the way?

Oh, and consider this question my P.C. nod to diversity, making this a "holiday-themed" section rather than a "Christmas-themed" one.

Okay. Reveled in the inclusiveness of it all?

Then we're back to "Christmas-themed"...

Just caught a glimpse of one of those rare makeover shows and they were advising a chick against wearing platform shoes EVER AGAIN.

Further proof that there's a segment of the gay population--a teeny minority, I believe (and hope)--that has declared War on the straight guy's happiness...

Oh, and consider that last nugget part of my Radical Heterosexual Agenda.

Why not? Some claim there's a Radical Homosexual Agenda, despite the fact that they can't name anything on that alleged agenda other than, well, desiring not to be discriminated against...

I've recently noticed that the most common side effects, out of the thousands given for TV-advertised drugs, are... the envelope please... drum roll:

Headaches, diarrhea and nausea.

Which are also the same symptoms for following the presidential election too closely and too early...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

(I immaturely enjoy the way my juvenile word-play is further enhanced with the new qualifier, by the way)...

More fuel on the fire of my anti-endorsement of the "metrosexual" Howard Dean:

Al Gore endorsed him this week.

Al has been known to induce headaches, diarrhea and nausea himself...

Although he hasn't had a prayer because the media has decided he doesn't, and voters apparently find the media's opinion to be sacrosanct at the same time they bitch about it, here's another anti-endorsement:

Dennis Kucinich.

Why? He's a Vegan.

That's ALL we need. Now that REEFER MADNESS II: TOBACCO and the budding do-gooder campaigns against drinking and fatty foods are going so successfully, we can't afford to even ALLOW a pansy-assed Vegan anywhere NEAR the White House...

By the way, there's a damn good chance that, well before the election even happens, I will have anti-endorsed everybody involved. (And, if you haven't been paying close attention, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, Bush has already been ruled out as well.)

But I still am definitely endorsing you going out and voting. Crack-pot third party candidates, Alfred E. Neuman (who still gets thousands of votes each election, by the way), whoever.

There's no such thing as a "wasted vote," either. If every one of us who thought all the candidates were clowns got out and voted for Alfred or whoever, we'd send a very strong message.

Otherwise, we just send a different strong message: We're the apathetic public all ready for the special interests, with our pants down to our knees and our anuses pre-lubed!...

By the way, a sort-of correction on a previous SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE section:

I previously predicted that Bush would win it all for picking up the AARP endorsement--you know, the only demographic that really votes in any appreciable numbers?

Well, since the endorsement, the AARP has lost 10,000 members. So my new prediction is that this is going to be a very close election.

And we're probably going to have another vote counting (and recounting, and recounting...) fiasco to further convince the rest of the world that we've completely, utterly lost it here in the States...

I will send a shot of thanks out to the AARP's leader, William Novelli for addressing this hubbub and stating that the Democrats have just been taking advantage of the old folks' lesser-of-two-evils endorsement and that the group should avoid close ties with EITHER party.

And it's great to see this ultra-powerful organization ready to fight for sanity: fly like a butterfly ballot, sting like a bee...

(Did I just use a form of the phrase "sending a shot out"? I guess that's another nod to diversity--or at least the diversity of 10 years ago)...

By the way, politicians and activists can start courting me at any time for those crucial, Slappin' and Yappin' endorsements...

An AP story this week, about the whole Halliburton Iraq contract hubbub, cites critics of the policy as believing that execs from companies landing Iraq work: "gave generous Bush."

Well, in that case, who can blame 'em?...

The Sunday Chicago Sun-Times always carries a section called "Remember When," recounted old Chicago Daily News headlines from that date in history.

Today's prints this, from 75 years ago:

"Coroner Herman N. Bundeson came out in favor of a strict driver's examination and licensing law as a way to reduce the high automobile death rate."

So... What the hell happened to that movement?...

Sunday Story Time: Winter Barbecue.

Last night, I noted that a local grocer had lobster tails on sale and thus convinced the wife that we should dine on Surf and Turf.

So we bought steaks and, wanting them to be at their most delicious, I fired up the barbecue grill and cooked 'em outside.

I highly recommend a winter barbecue--especially one during the Christmas season.

Snow coming down. Christmas music wafting from upstairs. Tasty steak/ charcoal/ mesquite chip aromas bringing memories of summer fun and chicks without much clothing on (whoops--there goes the Radical Heterosexual Agenda again!)--all forming a strange mix of pleasant memories and sensations, Christmas entwined with summer... Ahem.

Well. I just recommend it. And it DOES qualify as a "story." Send your own Sunday Story if you don't like it!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/14/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Swimming down

into the spume,

the spray,

the water-frost.

foaming, slippery

lace of light

turned and tossed.

mountains stab

brown blunted blades

into the sun.

down the distance,

spreading, speeding

reflection.

words i've swallowed

in the wake

of churning throe.

one lone gentle,

spinning sky.

pinned in snow.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2003:

Angels go nuts for Christmas thing

one year, even caused one a Schwing!

The reactive cry's

been muddied by time

'twas: "Hark!--that Harold angel's ding!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2003:

Today's major story is, of course, the capture of Saddam Hussein.

In news-byte-savvy quotes and on signs both hand-made and letter-changeable (or whatever you call those fast-food-restaurant-style jobbies with interchangeable letters), the catch phrase is: We Got Him!

"Him"?

There is, however, more than one "him" out there. (In fact, more than TWO, if you count that wacky, eye-patch wearin' Taliban guy still out there, the renegade Afghan warlord and the rest of the Iraq "Most-Wanted" deck.)

We only got the one who DIDN'T attack the United States and, for that matter, the one who, according to the latest evidence anyway, DIDN'T have weapons of mass destruction or show any real signs of a planning a direct assault on the U.S.

So, as far as I'm concerned... Sorry, but we still haven't got "him"...

Headline in the sports section of today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Tejanda Gets 6 Years, $72M From Orioles."

Now headline writers, despite the fact that this one conveniently fit the available headline space, this might not be the best tactic.

The "6 years" refers to a six-year contract to play for the orioles and the "$72M" a $72 million salary.

The job of the headline writer is to briefly sum up the story below it through verbiage that allows no confusion as to what the story is about.

But when you see "6 years" and then a sum of money in the sports section today, the first thought is a six-year prison sentence and a $72 million fine.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2003:

A mad exhibitionist, Dan

each Christmas, according to plan

gave himself a gift:

walked flashin' in shifts

'long with his winter wonder-hand.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2003:

The Supreme Court has ruled it okay for police to arrest every occupant of an automobile when they find drugs and nobody in the car owns up to them.

Well, there's still hope for a working bill of rights in new democracies, like Iraq's...

Commenting on the above-mentioned news nugget, Michael Rushford of the Criminal Justice Legal Foundation lauds the decision, saying (and I paraphrase), "If cops found uzis in a car but nobody owned up to them, they wouldn't let all the occupants free."

Because, of course, it's a well-known fact that most drug users buy up tons of their favorite intoxicants and fire them unsolicited into others which, of course, is why drug use is not a victimless crime...

California Rep. Doug Ose, in league with the Parents Television Council (because, of course, you can't expect the modern parent to actually, like, WATCH their kids or something), is trying to pass legislation cracking down on dirty words.

This comes on the heels of a recent FCC decision not to go after the producers of... one of the zillions of awards shows each featuring the same "winners," I forget which... Well, it was one during which Bono said "fuck" but used it in a general way, that is, not pertaining to sex of any kind. And the FCC decided that, since it wasn't used in a sexual manner, there was no reason to bother with it.

So in come Ose and his fellow wannabe-do-gooders-lacking-a-decent-cause seeking to reassert, in 2003, than certain words are just labeled "bad" willy-nilly and we need to kowtow to this willy-nillyism.

I'm a bit frustrated that I can't come up with a good capper to this nugget. But I am especially proud of coining the term "willy-nillyism" and plan to get much mileage out of it now...

Just read a letter to the editor in the Chicago Reader, sent in by a resident of Las Vegas, in which the letter-writer writes, "...even in conservative Vegas..." Whooah!

CONSERVATIVE Vegas?

Sin city? CONSERVATIVE?

So is partying now conservative? Does this have something to do with the trendy freak-out over "carbs"?

Why do I still bother with this? I'm thisclose to getting into book burning. Or at least dictionary burning...

The New Orleans Saints' Joe Horn's embarked on a unique end-zone celebration after a touchdown.

He whipped out a cell phone and called home.

You know, I had just about adjusted to the fact that Cell Phone Mania had a sorta good side--that it couldn't possibly get any worse...

There's been a big hissy fit thrown in Chicago over a prominent music venue's booking a bill of bands including Death in June.

Death in June refers to something from Hitler's history--an obscure reference. I think it's a metaphor or something as I read a column today in which the writer combed over lyrics of the bands involved and found no anti-semitism, white supremacy, pro-ax-wieldingism, blah blah blah.

Multiple groups nonetheless protested the show. The show was canceled.

This is the new protest movement. Don't waste time on research or anything. Just do it.

And I think it's "conservative" now.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2003:

A store Santa got so much beave

from MILFs with much stress to relieve

that pre-Christmas day

as Santa parlays

is called Christmas (Adam &) Eve.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2003:

Somebody is working on mounting a "Lord of the Rings" musical.

I love the "Lord of the Rings" books.

And this is exactly why I was leery of seeing the film; I didn't want to encourage them...

Last night, en route to a holiday-themed spoken-word, open-mic, etc. etc. etc. extravaganza, I heard somebody breaking up with somebody else via cell phone.

Oh, and it gets worse. (More proof that evil truly knows no bounds.) He did it on a bus.

And it gets even worse still. This was not a mostly empty bus; it was chock full o' people.

And, yes, it gets even worse. He wasn't even alone in his seat. There was somebody sitting right next to him.

Have we established beyond a doubt that this will keep getting worse and worse? Okay then.

He launched into a whole "I need space/it's nothing wrong with you, it's me/blah blah blah" tangent, appearing never to notice that he was surrounded by other human beings who could hear him clearly at LEAST halfway across the bus. He almost missed his stop and alighted (I love those old words) where I did, walking off without once even pausing his break-up spiel.

Necessity may still be the mother of invention. Now, it appears she's had a hysterectomy...

And now it's time for: Laughing at Made Up Names For Even MORE Questionable Reasons:

Anna Mossity.

I made this one up.

He hee.

Well, I can't be utterly sure there is no real Anna Mossity out there. Or that I didn't date her once.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2003:

In New York, when Santa hits town

his "Bus'ness" will--Bam!--be shut down.

As Bloombergermeister

sends cops to the site where

his "secondhand" pipe smoke's around.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2003:

Have you seen the commercials fusing 1.) Master Card and 2.) a promo for the "Cat in the Hat" movie?

Throw something else in and we have the Capitalist Axis of Evil...

The Chicago Sun-Times on its front page publishes a "weather word"--a word or, sometimes, a phrase describing, often whimsically, the day's weather.

Today's was "downer."

Now, in general, sports is the only newspaper section allowed to be non-objective. But I've recently noticed that weather reportage doesn't have to be, either.

Cold with flurries a week before Christmas is a "downer"?

Perhaps we've found the third position in the Capitalist Axis of Evil...

The Chinese are sending the organizers of a gigantic Chinese chicks-Japanese businessmen orgy to prison for life.

Saudi Arabia is cracking down on dolls and other toys.

One man's Axis of Evil is another man's Presidential Pals...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Newt Cox.

Well, I suppose they're no fun clothed.

And:

Cockeysville, Maryland.

If you go, ignore the locals. They're a bit teste.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2003:

A rather strange guy is Kris Kringle--

when'er his sex drive starts to tingle

his candy-cane prick

turns red, white and thick

and his tinny balls start to jingle.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2003:

Tim and Sue Henn, of Suburban Chicagoland, decided to make a luge run completely out of snow and ice a few years back--in their backyard.

They extended a mostly-open invite to all the neighbors and the run enjoyed great popularity.

Then comes neighbor Ellen Hall, who slipped, fell and hurt herself because--oh the shock!--ice can be, now brace yourself for this revelation, SLIPPERY!

So Hall sues the Henn's, because who in their right mind could conclude you might fall down on a luge run made ENTIRELY OUT OF FUCKING ICE?

The Henns' defense in the case was to invoke an Illinois law exempting property owners from liability to the public for accidents occurring on their property. However, this law was intended for property considered open to the public and the question was whether or not inviting the general neighborhood constituted "The Public."

The local court ruled in the Henns' favor. Then a Circuit Court and, later, the Supreme Court of the United States, ruled against the Henns. Why?

In the words of Circuit Court Judge Bob Thomas, accepting the Henns' argument would "largely eliminate" liability for landowners in Illinois.

The obvious question remaining, however, is: "So?"

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2003:

The secular trappings, some say

of Christmas, have led us astray,

cry'n we should be leaning

toward religious meaning--

ruining a damn fine holiday.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2003:

Saw a sign on a restaurant, while doing Christmasy errands yesterday, announcing its special:

Canadian Back Ribs!

Now, I know that we're patriotically obligated to be pissed off at our Neighbors to the North and all but... Isn't this a little much?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2003:

A dildo store owner named Gabe

gave homeless whores somewhere to stay(b)

as a Christmas gesture--

and did no molest-ure--

he just filled his toyland with babes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2003:

WITH SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE--ONLY ON SUNDAYS...

Daily subscribers know that Saturdays are known as "Cheezy Saturdays"--in matching our "Extra Special," beefed-up Sunday edition, the Saturday installment is extra short and kinda lame--copying the Big Boys (daily newspapers)!

Well, this is just a disclaimer that, having entered the heart of the holiday season, things will be darn cheezy pretty much until 2004.

From all of us, to all of you: Paint your heart with some of that cheeze and have a very merry, Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Christmas and New Year!...

Huh?...

And, by the way, that is one of the cheeziest limericks I've ever penned.

And daily readers especially should know: That's REALLY saying something...

You know those little "gel pops" that are all the candy rage these days? Little Spongebobs or whatever for your sucking pleasure?

Well, why don't they have 'em of, say, Britney Spears or Beyonce?

Hmm. I think I've happened upon a concession idea for my upcoming mega-production of "Porn on Ice"...

I FINALLY have definitive proof of a "USA Weekend"/terror connection:

In this week's not-worthy-of-toilet-paper edition, Casey Shaw's little "Merry Christmas" cartoon shows Santa's reindeer riding SEGWAYS.

Coupled with the Master Card/"Cat in the Hat"-movie tie-in ad on its page three, this is more than enough justification to ATTACK THEIR OFFICES--NOW!...

So, New York City was attacked in 2001 (I don't know if you've heard), destroying the World Trade Center Towers.

NYC was attacked by terrorists supported by Afghanistan's former ruling Taliban, which took it upon itself to impose its version of morality upon its people, including a crackdown on basic civil liberties, such as playing music and dancing, without a shred of any scientific evidence behind the banning of such activity and solely out of a life philosophy that the ruling folk deemed "best for everyone."

Shortly afterward, NYC elected Michael Bloombergermeister-Meisterbloomberger mayor, who took it upon himself to impose his version of morality upon thje people, including a crackdown on basic civil liberties, such as smoking in FREAKIN' BARS, without a shred of any scientific evidence behind the banning of such activity and solely out of a life philosophy that the he deemed "best for everyone."

And now they're rebuilding the WTC area with a recently announced "Freedom Tower."

Freedom's just another word for... Well, to each his own definition, I guess...

Meanwhile, on the other fruitcake coast:

California, in case you haven't heard, decided that, after tying the legislators' arms with zillions of draconian ballot bills disallowing the raising of taxes but demanding zillions of social services paid for by... little gnomes, I suppose... they would recall the governor they recently elected and replace him with a Hollywood action hero who, for the record, is not even a very talented actor.

Faced with the biggest state deficit in the state, what did Ah-nold do right off the bat?

He lowered an unpopular car tax.

Yup. LOWERED. His first move was to decrease revenue coming in, as a way of fixing a crippling deficit.

This current retro fad toward "trickle-down economics" will pay off, of course. Some day. Some day, of course, after all those responsible for testing it out don't have to worry about re-election and such...

Update on our Stellar "Jobless" Economic Recovery:

The government has announced that he latest jobless figures are the lowest since... November 1!

That's November 1, 2003.

You can't be too tough on details when trumpeting a "jobless" recovery, you know...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Hilary's gonna run.

Yup. Just a prediction. And just like Nostradamus, the vast majority of my predictions probably don't come true. But, unlike Nostradamus, I'm not hailed as some sort of prophet over it.

The democrats are looking like a bunch of bozos. Bush is looking like an easier target to beat than many of the 2008 GOP possibilities--rumors  of Colin Powell, etc.

So that's my prediction. Do with it what you will.

And just a reminder: I'd do Hilary. At least, unless it takes a village. I don't want to share her. Unless, of course, that village is otherwise all-female. But I'd do her up anyway.

But I don't know why...

And another reminder for those still thinking Republican/Democrat, Liberal/Conservative, Potato/Potahto still mean anything:

The GOP is chock full o' special interests, true. But don't forget the Dems:

Lawyers.

Yup. Every Dem ass is pre-lubed for the lawyers.

Remember, now they're suing fast food in the latest in the War on Personal Responsibility.

So every election revolves around the central question: Which is the lesser of two (or more) paths to certain doom?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/21/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Ice blue

Does death need a mirror

when she looks in the lake?

Can moments seem absurd

to snowy, hunching stone?

Was the sky once a stab

and every cloud a blade?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2003:

To pick up chicks, here's what you say:

"My right thigh is Christmas, ba-bay;

the left is New Year's--

come over, my dear

and eat between the holidays!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2003:

A headline in today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Majority Praise Bush's Handling of Economy."

Reading the story, I discovered that this "majority"--55 percent--is composed of three groups. About half of them "strongly approve" of Bush's handling of the economy. The other half of this majority is composed of those who "somewhat" approve and also those who have mixed feelings but "lean toward approval."

Considering that only 10 percent of us directly benefited from the Bush tax cuts, you can see why I've dubbed a demographic, "The Moron Majority."

Considering that "somewhat approving" or "leaning toward approval" fall a shy bit short of "praise," I can only assume the story doesn't mention a question about falling to one's knees at a Halliburton statue...

On the talk show circuit:

"Toy Expert" Shannon Eis.

Aha! Jobs ARE coming to our "jobless economy"! So whip out that degree in Potato Head studies from Hasbro U and get what's yours!

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Matt Blessing.

He'll be counting his relatives this Christmas.

And:

Dennis Lick.

Has an oral fixation.

And:

Lamont Lemon.

When young, he ran away from home to join the citrus.

And:

Donald Lucki.

Has some big-ass feet--he needs to wear horse-shoes.

And:

Jeremy Fears.

Won't give in without a fright.

And:

Joe Trippi.

Even his tux is tie-dye.

And:

Joe Power.

In his carpool, he's always the one steering...

Yeccch.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2003:

If you attend Christmas Day mass

to marvel at all the stained glass

say "hi" to the priest--

but take care, at least

and cover your little boy's ass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2003:

On the cover of my daily newspaper today comes word that retailers are reporting Christmas sales this year to be... Well, crappy.

But don't despair. It's just a jobless AND consumerless recovery!...

So now there is talk of an al-Qaida/Saddam Hussein link revealed in documents uncovered after we liberated Iraq.

Conservative morons are applauding and saying this means "Bush was right."

So, if I go out and murder someone, and it later turns out that he was a serial killer, unbeknownst to me... Will I be lauded by Bill O'Reilly as well?...

Egyptian government official Ahmed Maher was attacked at an Israeli holy site by an angry mob who hit him with shoes and all sorts of things.

The angry mob, however, was Muslim just like Maher. Palestinians.

They were upset that he was negotiating with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. You know--the shocking "crime" of trying to bring peace and an official Palestine?

Well, most of us want peace on earth this holiday season, anyway.

Ooops! My apologies. As a member of the media--on the fringes, to be sure, but a participant nonetheless--I think the bias is even getting to me.

That horrible bias against the bloodthirsty.

Oh, sorry again! I mean bias against the "Plasma Shedding Oriented"...

Speaking of organized religion still existing now, in 2003 (almost 2004), after reading about Mormonism, my question is: Can we at least discriminate against NEWER religions? Say, those less than 300 years old? I know it gets hairy with all these fantasy world-views that have existed for thousands of years, but can we at least exclude the Mormons, Scientologists, etc. from respect?...

Just got around to reading through my Chicago Reader 2003 Comics Year in Review. Which is a typical example of the types of "edgy," "hip," "dope," "throw-in-your-latest-favorite-fashizzleist-adjective-here" comics that run in "alternative" big-city newspapers nationwide.

Quick disclaimer: I had a comic rejected for the section myself. Perhaps not the funniest thing I'd ever done, I suppose, but, all modesty aside, good enough for at least a half-chuckle.

Reading over the section, I didn't laugh.

Once.

Not even a half a laugh.

Now, I know, humor isn't hip anymore. Especially in comics.

Thought deep thoughts twice. Well, semi-deep thoughts. That I've thunk before.

Is the world too funny on its own now? Do we turn to traditional methods of escapism to completely avoid humor?...

Anyway, it's Christmas Eve Eve. So time for some happy stuff!

Be extra nice so that you can receive many gifts.

Hmmm. Not so "happy."

Or perhaps it's better to be extra naughty.

There we go.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2003:

He only goes out once a year

so Christmas Eve, Mrs. Claus fears--

when Santa comes home

from his world-wide roam

there's sometimes strange pubes in his beard.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2003:

Merry Christmas, to all of you, from, er, all of us at Daily Limerick!...

In opening a Christmasy DVD yesterday--biting, scratching, doing whatever it takes to remove the countless, leech-like stickers and all--I wondered:

Is the packaging an anti-piracy measure? I sure found myself considering going back to VHS-only...

This might make you feel a little better, with a raised Terror Alert and all for the Holidays:

Remember how I told you that our enemies are fated to lose, of for no other reason than the fact that they view knowledge as evil and are thus a Community of Morons?

One of the possible U.S. targets, according to "Terrorist Chatter"? Alaskan oil.

Uh-huh. They want us out of the Mid East and so... They wish to attack a homeland source of oil which might, well... There you have it...

Speaking of terrorist threats, I am raising the Lawyer Alert Level to orange.

From today's Chicago Sun-Times, in a food section focusing on the culinary stylings of Illinois' first lady, the woman is quoted as cooking nutritionally for her family as a way of "keeping them off fast food."

Note the wording.

Sound familiar?

"Keeping kids OFF drugs. Off hooch, grass, nose candy, goofballs."

Seizing evidence before trial. Filling prisons with non-violent offenders. A campaign of "noble lies." Movements to protect us from ourselves.

And these terrorist cells are allowed, and even encouraged, to operate in every one of our neighborhoods.

They're members are even listed in the phone book.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2003:

Happy Christmas--DL, to you

and before the fine day is through

be sure to make merry

or, if she's contrary,

perhaps Merry's sister will do!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2003:

God bless us, every one!

Well, maybe not Mike Myers, after that eldritch-ly Godawful "Cat in the Hat" movie.

Oh, and not Osama bin Laden or any of those nuts.

And I don't know about George Bush.

And certainly not Michael Bloombergermeister Meisterbloomberger...

But, in any event, Merry Christmas, to all of you, from, er, all of us at Daily Limerick!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2003:

From bad "justice," Lenny Bruce ran

but New York NOW pardons the man.

One more sign that shows

our governments grow

each day more like the Vatican!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2003:

So just like that; one day it's Christmas-themed limericks and, the next, back to "normal," as if Christmas Time never happened.

(Sigh.)

It's kinda like the local radio stations who instituted "Christmas Music Only" policies for the season. Kinda odd how, as you're driving home late from family festivities on Christmas Day, as soon as midnight hits and it's the 26th--BAM--they go back to playing their typical fare. Of course, the unfortunate fact remains that stations playing Christmas-only stuff are generally spinning holiday releases from the preternaturally awful new agey snore-inducers they normally play but... Well.

(Sigh.) Nonetheless.

So I'll let you phase back into Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' "reality" gently.

Lubed, you might say.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2003:

Decades after Lenny Bruce croaked

New York fin'lly pardoned the bloke

so perhaps some day

as Bloomberg decays

they'll pardon the poor folks who smoke.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2003:

Today's Extra Cheezy Saturday Edition:

Havarti.

Yup. That's it...

Just kidding, but it might as well be...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Bill Sick.

A little belated, but he wishes for Peace on Earth, Good Ill Toward Man...

(I actually think that Havarti was more entertaining on its own, come to think of it.)

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2003:

As Pop Culture grows ever dumber

cool phrases are lost--it's a bummer.

Though status now grows

through hogging our roads

I'd still much prefer an OLD "hummer."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2003:

MTV has plans to come out with a new cable channel, "Outlet," which will somehow or other focus on all-gay programming.

Let's hope this does for gays what the original MTV has done for our youth.

Perhaps not.

But expect the IQ of the average gay man to drop a few points.

And I imagine that whack-job conservatives will celebrate as the "Gay Agenda" is enveloped in a cloud of apathy...

Ah, journalism!

Don't you just love when the big guys interview people like the parents of Laci Peterson and spend an hour asking questions like, "What would Laci think of how the case is proceeding today?" and "How does all this make you FEEL?"

With all the media outlets predicting what will be "in" and "out" for 2004, I think this may just be the year when news relevance goes the way of the do-do...

Read a newspaper story this week about an Indiana city seeking an Indian tribe to manage a planned casino. Seems the original arrangements fell through and now they're seeking a "new" Native American tribe.

Everybody: Let me know if you want to join my brand, spanking new Native American tribe. I'm the Chief, but other positions are still open...

I've noted before that the sudden "hipness" of police/FBI/CIA etc. shows have presented law enforcement as a bunch of extra-competent heroes, when post-911 investigations seem to show that not exactly the whole story. Now I'm also noting that viewers are predisposed to give credit when... Well, last night my wife was watching some forensic-science themed shows and I paid more attention than usual in between my readings.

One tale was about a man who repeatedly married "mail order brides." He was on his third of fourth, who was also the third or forth to suddenly go "missing" and turn up dead, when the marvels of forensic science brought his evil activities to light.

My first impression was that which the programmers were undoubtedly shooting for: Wow! You go, forensic science! That guy can't hide from you!

And then I thought: This is the THIRD (or whatever) time he's done this. Couldn't you also say that law enforcement looks a little pathetic since he got away with this TWICE before the "magic" began?

Just one example of many. Most segments on the show revealed a similar ambiguity about law enforcement cred.

And I'm just happy I found another opportunity to use "you go!" in any form, considering it's almost 2004...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE:

Uh, er, I don't have much today.

Although I did read a story about how "experts" are predicting that there will be even MORE job opportunities for lawyers in the coming years.

So let's take stock of our economic recovery:

Retail-less.

The national and state budgets are still screwed in many Tantric positions.

Largely jobless--EXCEPT for a booming lawyer job market.

Now THIS is why I consider myself, although I admit it's clichéd, "on the outside looking in."

So I have doom with a view...

Sunday Story Time: "Don't 'but' me!"

When I was a child, like most children, I would often cry out, in a whiny voice, phrases or sentences beginning with: "But MOM!" Ala, "But, MOM! Jimmy's mom is paying $200 for him to join the hockey league!"; "But MOM! I haven't gotten a new toy in months!"; "But MOM! I cut the point off of the arrow before I shot her"; etc.; etc.

And me and my friend Jimmy soon noticed that a common mom phrase/sentence opener was, "Don't 'but' me..." Meaning, more or less, "don't argue with me."

It wasn't until me and my friend Jimmy were a little older, a little wiser and a lot hornier that we thought more upon the mom phrase/sentence opener. And we thought about an alternate meaning for the phrase, which would be spelled a bit differently, ala, "Don't butt me!"

Which would be sick, considering she's, well, your MOM.

Utilizing a comeback playing off of this alternate meaning, however, is something I do not recommend to any child out there. Not that they should be reading this. And if you are... Stop it! Yes, stop it now and... Don't you 'but' me!

Huh?

Very funny, you little ragamuffin...

Huh?...

On a questionably amusing side note, today's Sunday Story Time put into my head a strange version of a horrible song, I believe it to be 15 or more years old, sung by (and I'm ashamed to know this) Taylor Dane (SIC?) called "Don't' Rush Me." Except it goes... Well, you know.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/28/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Once, the Christmas tree was trampled

Did I ever tell you about the time

that midgets trampled my Christmas tree?

I was sitting up late, watching the lights

blink blue then green. They traveled

in tandem, those two colors.

Reflecting against the frosty windows.

The stereo was on, and playing

sweet, tinkling music as only

the holidays can provide. One thing

to know about me -- holiday music

sends me to a place of solace

and celebration. There is no

emptiness brimming with

detail as that emptiness

which marks the first storm

burying the road.

You see, though I live

in California, my birthplace

is New Hampshire. I went

to a school made of brick,

and no amount of idle,

peaceful palms

planted near the coastline

will erase the sudden chill

of winter. Fenceposts grimed

and glinted with ice.

The curious way

mailboxes look

growing canted

through a drift.

I was visiting home.

The first time in two years.

There is no issue with my family.

No sudden silence, no

winter grudges. Rather,

I have been busy indulging

my senses and my mind

with Lori. That name, too,

rings with winter connotation.

The laurel leaf dusted with snow

and Calgarian frost. The muted

scent, and long-waited realization

of victory.

But until the wheels of the plane

touch down on YYC's tarmac

one final time -- I submit

that victory is still

a few months' distant.

With the suddenness

that the season brings,

the wind began howling.

The snow fell thick as paper,

and the entire house

went dead.

The tree stood there,

quiet and spare,

its lights off,

its blown-glass decorations,

ornaments spent

of their glow.

I noticed in the silence,

as only silence can sound

when music has been interrupted,

the queer, minute jingle

of bells small enough

to clasp in silver lobes

at a young girl's throat.

The hanging drop-locket sound

of motion, the shuff of clothing.

My eyesight is bad. A sweet,

cruel laugh here. The poet with

diminished sight. Perhaps that's why

my images glow with such fierce

reality, even in unreality. Ah,

I see I have lost you, friend,

but bear with me here.

I mention my eyes

so you can, if need persists,

file this away under

unresolved shadows.

For at that moment,

a line of little men and women,

their hair tucked under their hats,

their mouths small, curt things,

their hands tiny enough to hold

one hanging light fully in grip --

fingers curled tightly to the glass,

dissolving all color and reflection --

trampled the tree.

It was not an easy thing for them to do.

But they went about it with purpose.

They hoisted each other into higher branches.

Tinsel floated silver hair around the tree.

Floating down, that silver; little bells at their feet,

jingling; miniature hands pushing off decorations,

kicking off ornaments. One man, dressed

head to foot in cherry-red, wound up and kicked

a fragile, ancient piece that held the shape

of an exploding glass flower

into the onwaiting gifts below.

It shattered with a tinkling crush.

It sounded delicious.

The tree began rocking. More ornaments shed

and rolled, and broke. This sport completed,

the men and women began a new task,

sliding down the trunk to the foot of the tree,

among the shining, shattered detritus.

They tore at the wrapping of gifts assembled.

And before long, all the paper was curled

in streaming ribboned strips, a brightly colored mess.

Into this closely packed color, the little men and women

began bedding down, curling into curling paper.

Wrapping crinkling, little bells jingling, and open-mouthed,

tiny yawns. A melancholy in their yawning.

I wish I could describe it. Some hidden

disappointment, commingled with satisfaction,

and, yes, sleepiness.

I sat there in the dark, watching them sleeping.

The snow was so thick that it rattled the windows,

muffled their breathing and chilled the room.

I decided to ascend the stairs to my bed.

Once in my room, I looked out the window

where, in boyhood, I would peer up the wooded hill

to the Shaws' supermarket at the top.

Its green and orange sign would seem to

signifying something. Something large.

Something I could just barely grip

in soft, flesh-pink fingers.

I could not now see a hint of the sign

in the blurry, bleary world

that the blizzard provided.

So, rocking with the wind-heaved snow,

the ticking clock marking time

and mingling with the subtle ticks

of framing wood settling against the storm,

I fell asleep.

FOR MATT

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2003:

I'd like to do up Betsy Hart

(the right-wingish columnist tart)

for what she most needs

is a guy like me

to probe more than one hole apart.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2003:

I'm serious about today's limerick.

I really, truly, quite vigorously would like to do up Betsy Hart.

If given the opportunity, I'd get extra, extra kinky. I'd even... Ahem.

Let's just say that it was a rough day and, although it's out of the ordinary for me, I'm not going to go into it.

But there will be an Extra Special and Even Delightful, fully packed, non-cheezy version tomorrow.

Or my name isn't... Betsy Hart.

And it isn't.

But it will be special.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2003:

This summer, a ball play'r took heat

for giving a "sausage" a beat.

Just saw a pick of her

lacking costumed cover--

and now dream she "is what she eats"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2003:

Today's limerick refers to then Pittsburgh Pirate Randall Simon's smacking of a costumed Italian sausage during the last baseball season.

She's reportedly forgiven Simon and wasn't really hurt at all. But I just saw a picture of her and... Well, see the limerick...

A hot babe in a sausage outfit getting smacked by a baseball bat... Hmmm. Don't you think that, somewhere out there, a young boy's budding sexuality is growing with one hell of a crazy fetish...

By the way, while this edition looks like a "long one," it's mostly "Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason" (below), and it's the biggest ever (I think). "Special Pull-Out"-worthy, even...

Just a terrifying thought to accompany your evening repast:

(Repast?)

Did anybody else out there wonder, however briefly, if the Dept. of Homeland Security made up the whole Air France/terror connection to make it look like they were DOING SOMETHING about... you know, things?

I mean, we already know that Congress enjoyed its absolute highest approval rating right after 9/11 and... Well, I'll leave the conspiracy theory--make that a "conspiracy hunch," as it doesn't have enough to back it up for a "theory"--at that, but must remind you that politicians would gladly even eat your children alive if it would keep them in office...

Mr. Bean, or at least the actor behind him, is reportedly suffering depression because his movies aren't going over well in America.

He thinks that U.S. audiences don't appreciate his style.

I'd advise him to actually STICK to his style. I mean, other than 14-year-olds, U.S. audiences aren't real appreciative of Hollywood-cookie-cutter crap, either...

Julio DeJesus shot Jesus Perez after Perez asked DeJesus to put out a cigarette in his basement because "children were in the house" (albeit upstairs) and DeJesus refused.

At long last! A documented death from "secondhand smoke"...

By the way, there's a whole lot o' "Jesus" goin' on in that there story...

And how come, with all the Puritan Reefer Madness II, which is growing like a cancer to include drinking alcohol and fun altogether, nobody mentions the "Hit by a Bus Factor."

What if I quit smoking cigars, quit...other vices, and am hit by a bus tomorrow? My sprit will be pissed off!...

The Chicago Sun-Times this week sported a cover teaser, replete with a photo of a famous "reality" TV "couple," saying "2003 Faces to Remember."

I'd like to think this was a typo. I'm sure they meant "2003 Faces to FORGET"...

Speaking of 2003 events, I noticed yesterday that MAD Magazine carried the only media mention I've seen wondering if Jayson' Blair's fantasy-journalism game at the New York Times resulted, at least in part, because of too-vigorous affirmative action.

When MAD Magazine has become a pinnacle of journalistic ethics, well...

Speaking of The Media dropping the ball, how come nobody interviewed the people who DID go to see "Gigli"? I mean, some undoubtedly did only for the kitsch factor but... Well, we need people to fill our juries, I suppose...

I went to a comedy showcase last night, and performed, too, and it struck me:

There must be some sort of rule in the "Stand-Up Comic Bible" about referring to one's state's automobile licensing, etc. organization as the "DMV."

They call it that in California. And I believe in New York.

But they don't in Illinois.

Last night's show was in Illinois.

And it wasn't the first time I heard the reference. In Illinois.

Fair warning: Future Godawful sitcom writers are training, as we speak...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Thomas P. Looney.

Send that man a Segway!

And:

Kristen Doll.

Hope she hasn't lost her nipples, too.

And:

Child molester Kevin Kinder.

He he.

And:

Pearl Trawinski Hickingbottom.

Now, this is the type of name Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason was created for! No comment necessary, just snicker away!

And:

Rita Sweetman.

Many would like to borrow a cup of HER sugar.

And:

Paul Dispensa.

I can only hope that friends call him "Pez."

And:

Jeremy Kitchen.

I told you today's installment was cookin'.

And:

U.K. Transportation Secretary Alistair Darling.

What would Zsa-Zsa call HIM?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2003:

As we greet another New Year

folks make their resolutions clear.

But I never make 'em

'cause I just forsake 'em--

so resolve to have one more beer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2003:

I think we need a new philosophy for making New Year's resolutions.

Generally, the point is to make yourself a "better" person. But who's to say what "better" means? Quit smoking, drink less, go to church, etc.--fitting in well with our societal attitudes, resolutions are quasi-religious. Much like the way that even the non-religious feel guilt over stuff like pornography or intoxicants because of our societal saturation by Puritan ideals, we get all "holy," or at least "secularly holy," about these New Year's resolutions.

Oh, sure, some are intended to lengthen one's life but, as I pointed out yesterday, what if you're killed early by a bus?

Here's some examples of the types of resolutions I'm envisioning:

Drink cheap beer after the "first few," as taste only matters early-on, anyway. This will save money--but not for your child's education or a home or anything "responsible" like that; but for video games or something.

Put a new screen in your pot pipe for the New Year.

Resolve to lose weight--but not for health or to impress anybody else, but to bang a higher quality of partner.

Fight your wife or significant other on that "no smoking in the house" rule. Reefer Madness II can only last so long, and people are already beginning to point out, more and more, the lack of evidence behinds "secondhand smoke"--and the Supreme Court is gonna rule the "no smoking in bars" laws unconstitutional eventually, anyway.

That's enough of the examples. Have at it and have a TRULY Happy New Year!

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

We'll probably keep on mutating from here!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's, e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2003 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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