Daily Limerick
Archives: January 2003

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!


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Your head hurts--but don't be a whiner.

Of a New Year's tone, play designer.

So find someone--quick!

And throw in your dick

while you still sport the morning steiner.



Happy New Year!...

I know that I shouldn't be "working" on a day like today, but I thought I'd hit you with a strange, post-holiday, year-ending/year-beginning oddity that will certainly help sober you up, if you're still working on that (or if you will be working on that soon--unless you'll just hold off on that one for a 2004 New Year's resolution):

Sales of the George W. Bush calendar topped sales of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar.

I think that this will somehow translate into greater Viagra sales for 2003.



At Polish parties--quite a hoot

Kim drinks and acts like a galoot.

Just don't let her cross a

path with the kielbasa

'Cause she'll do something that's not cute.



Here's wishing you a Happy Waltz Day!

1/2/03... 1/2/03... Get it?...

For the New Year, some chowderhead woman--would that be a "chowderheadess?"--is predicting that, with the new millennium underway and blah blah blah, women will be asking men out as a trend this year. (She's an author of some lame book, but I'm not going to identify her or her book because that's what she hopes to gain from playing retarded Nostradamus.)

Guys, don't get too excited.

Ever since the '80s--and probably long before, that's just when I noticed it--folks were predicting that "women will be asking men out" as part of the "new feminism" or whatever.

Hasn't happened. Won't happen.

But guys, this is actually as it should be.

Sure, you're the one who has to make the first move but... Think about it this way: As with women, most of the advances you'd receive would be unwelcome.

And we're not used to dealing with that...

An Arabian woman in Israel has made what's being dubbed "The First Arab Porn."

In keeping with the Muslim theme of it all, she's getting death threats. Oh, that was insensitive, so I'll go diverse in my ethnic slurring: She only got about $100 for it, proving she didn't hire a Jew as her manager.


Enough of this before I get death threats, but I must say that Arab porn sounds like progress to me...

An Federal judge in Oakland threw out a case of a sick smoker suing a cigarette company.

Huh? Perhaps common sense is "in" with 2003...

Be prepared--and while you're at it, afraid: Mega Media Monster Warner Brothers is making new Looney Tunes movies.

Why can't the let us at least have the MEMORIES of great cartoons?

I couldn't bear reading about it much, but I saw some mention of Jenna Elfman and other stars.

I take that back about common sense being "in"...

And I guess I'll take it back "double," if that's possible:

There is going to be a  "Friends" movie...

The Salvation Army in Florida is refusing to take a $100,000 donation because it originally came from a Lotto ticket.

So, helping people isn't really the Number One priority with them, now, is it?...

A new "survey" indicates that the majority of people are "satisfied" with the current state of radio.

It just so happens that this "survey" was conducted by the National Association of Broadcasters.

I'm guessing they only asked broadcasters...

Health Nazis are now pushing for extra-booze taxes as a way to curb "binge drinking."

The Health Conscious Tax Monster is well out of the bag, folks. It will eventually conquer everything that brings even the most minimal amounts of enjoyment...

Diana Ross joins the proud list of celebrities who've racked up DUIs.

Have you noticed that, whenever the news reports on celebrity DUI, they give the blood alcohol content from test results and then state, "more than [twice/three times, etc.] the legal limit in [whatever state]"?

Has the Dumbing Down been that successful, or is it just optimism?...

The FTC made one giant leap lately in its quest to protect boneheads by cracking down on Vital Dynamics, a company which made pills and creams which claimed to "increase breast size"...

Scott Stapp--who I just learned is the lead singer of Creed--was reported by many fans at a recent Chicago concert as appearing to be "on something."

Somehow, that makes me smile.

And I know I'm not the only one.

But I'm one of the few who doesn't feel guilty about it.



To fish all the time is Matt's goal--

it's one thing that makes him feel "whole."

But don't be confused

it's all just a ruse

to go out and play with his pole!



This is your brain on the record industry:

A quote by Geoff Mayfield, trying to explain a down year in 2002 for said industry and explaining "competing media" as a factor, "You can't listen to a record and play a video game at the same time."

I'm assuming he's refering to the folks who bought Justin Timberlake's album...

Did you ever notice that everything from schooling to job advice columns steers folks toward the "hot jobs"?

Wouldn't want to consider anything as silly as, oh, say, what you want to do with your life in that equation...

I've figured it out:

After reading about Oscar hopefuls now kowtowing around Hollywood, making sure to show up at all the "right" places and be "seen" by all the "right" people... I've decided that the Academy Awards are really all about picking the World's Biggest Prom Court.



Whenever Viviana's prayed

that down by the docks, she'll get laid

she just changes clothes--

sailor interest grows

when she dresses like a mermaid!



I read a story the other guy about these nerds on trial for a money-making hacking scam.

Perhaps setting the progress of nerds back a good decade, one of those implicated reports that he didn't do it for money, but to benefit the "Hacking Community."

Is this a new group we have to go out of our way not to offend?...

I also read about a Las Vegas priest who was busted for, what else, molesting young boys.

I suppose it makes sense, but I was taken aback at the idea that the Catholic church even bothers with Las Vegas.



Concerning my Oscar comments yesterday, famed comic (sort of) Andy Lurie checks in with:

>Check out.... ><http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/1321105.stm>http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talkin>g_point/1321105.stm


>I'm international! (and, it covers the same concept. I agree with you completely.)

I guess I'm posting this to bring across the moral of DL's overall story: DL readers are going places.

And he checks in again, regarding my ramblings about women asking men out, with:

> Happens to me all the time. Hell... the other night (New Years Eve), I had TWO women 'ask me out'. At the same time.


> Hooray for porno quality three-ways.


> Women WILL ask out guys, the guys just have to be open to it.

Although I am assigning this story the same credibility as the Clonaid claims, I'm including it to show, again, that DL readers are going places.

I make no guarantees as to the nature of these "places."



His barbecues cannot be beat

they're always a feast that's a treat

'cause Arnold's a man

who's loves any plan

that gets him to play with his meat!



A reminder to Sunday-only "Subscribers":

For the asking, via a simple e-mail to this address, you can get the daily version of the Daily Limerick FREE for the asking!

And for that price, you get every penny's worth!...

I saw a take-out \ bag in a garbage can the other day.

Talk about misguided...

Celene Dion's lyricist died recently.

I shouldn't be bashing anybody who's managed to make a living as some sort of poet, but the question foremost on my mind was: Celene Dion needed to hire somebody to write THOSE lyrics?...

I gave a local "alternative" station a listen to the other day and quickly noticed that they had only about ten or 12 songs on their playlist. And they repeated them over, and over, and over, and over (...) again.

I began to think that "alternative" is really the same thing as Top 40 but... Well, it's the "alternative" to Top 40. The record companies tell us so!...

Have you seen VH-1's "I Love the '80s"?

Now, I may be biased, because I hated the '80s and wish they wouldn't go bringing them back. I chose to listen to mostly '60s music, as that was retro at the time.

But, even if you like this trip down floor-starin', non-date-gettin', nerd memory lane... Why do they have to intersperse it with half celebrities saying "funny" things and mugging shamelessly for the camera?...

A saw an extremely frightened media analogy the other day.

It was a story about a subdivision. It said that the land was about 2 million square feet, of "the equivalent of 10 Wal-Mart stores."


I read the other day that the Catholic church has a tradition of anointing "consecrated virgins."

These are women who, although they are not even nuns, decide to be virgins "for god" while they go about secular lives.

Thanks, Catholics. As if guys need THAT on top of the regular woman difficulties...

Much has been made about Snoop Dogg's "example setting" behavior in doing pot.

But Snoop is one of those folks I'd rather not have had as a "pot diplomat" to begin with.

Snoop Dogg traveled around in a cloud of pot smoke. Now he gave up pot and the media's making it seem like he's some typical pot smoker.

Do you think John Ashcroft had a hand in the Snoop Dogg saga?






TODAY'S POEM: Waking one morning to the rain

Many ghosts pressed their hands

against the pane last night.

Their prints faintly color grey

the rainglass of the walk.

From thin branches, slivers fan

and twist on dripping stems.

In this wet sullen weather,

the ghosts move leaves with breath.

Lightning scrims across the sky.

Sun is loomed through by slow clouds.

The thunder is a voice on high

spreading low and far.

And the ghosts upon the pane

cover views, tapping on windows.

Leaving fog and blankened static,

voicing grey beats to wet stone.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He will bite.]



A frenzied love-maker named Hetzel--

leg man, all revved up like an Edsel--

flipped her through positions

with frequent transitions

and twisted legs up like a pretzel.



A survey has concluded that 46 percent of Republicans like putting their two cents in (or 1 cent, or perhaps sometimes 3) for online surveys and polls. Only 28 percent of Democrats do the same.

I almost dislike Democrats and Republicans equally at this point, but this is just another nugget to show you that the people who respond to polls and surveys cannot be counted on to represent "normal" American...

I saw a media reference saying so much today, but I must ask: How's Avril what's-her-name a "punk princess"? I've heard some of her music, but I didn't even know she was punk until I read that she was "punk."

And, in the real world far away from record company execs, can there even BE such a thing as a punk "princess"?...

As part of DL/S&Y's commitment to try warning readers of idiocy that's just around the corner:

Some therapist or similar type of schmo has identified a new type of human:

The HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)...

I was reading about the Las Vegas electronic show and wondering, "Why are we even producing a portable, driver's-side TV?" I guess people need something else to do while engaging in boring cell phone conversations...

And I'll leave you with a shot of good news:

Hollywood TV shows are losing ground overseas.

The reasons cited are a) The cost of the shows; and b) new aversion to U.S. "culture."

I'm gonna give those durn furiners the benefit of the doubt and assume that, by "culture" they mean, well, the fact that Hollywood's idea of artistry is the cultural equivalent of a big ol' crap taken on a paper plate (that's right--not even a crap taken on fine China).

In which case (a) and (b) are intimately related because the high cost of "stars" is one of the reasons Hollywood, through such sinister plots as "reality" TV, is seeking to do away with writers altogether (they've already driven out most decent writers).

I predicted this but... I won't go into it because the prediction never occurred in DL (as far as I know). I think it was in one of my college newspaper columns, though.

So PPPPP to you, too.



When Meg broke her shoe she felt dread

but don't think that we were misled.

Party shoes she wore

that eve'ning were more

for wearing up over her head!



Frederick's of Hollywood is trying to change it's sleazy image and produce lingerie that's more, er, "respectable" or "elegant" (or some adjective more worthy of describing their quest).

I say that, without the sleaze, lingerie is just underwear.

Ooh. That's a lousy catchphrase. Don't get me wrong, I think underwear is generally delightful... But I think you get my point.

In other words, if a Frederick's of Hollywood--old school FoH, that is--fashion show were on against a Victoria's Secret one, I'd tune in to Frederick's.

A word of advice for all those lingerie-clad women who aren't stopping by the Daily Limerick offices regularly...

Indiana, defending itself in a lawsuit by a gay couple rightfully calling their prohibition on same-sex marriages "discrimination," claims that the law is necessary because the state has a "compelling interest to promote marriage and procreation."

There's sure a compelling interest in promoting procreation! Look around you! Humans are endangered!...

Woody Burton, a state legislator from--again--Indiana (that progressive state!), prompted by the fact that a porn was shot in an Indiana university dorm which took WAY too much ink away from real news, has introduced a bill to expel state college students who participate in pornographic fare in the future.

We're not even talking about students who take state funds or receive government and/or taxpayer help in any way, here.

Are you wonderin' how often Woody gets attention for Little Woody, too?

Forget the economy! It's the lack of Victorian values, stupid!...

NOTE: The following nugget contains the occasionally running "Piggish Comment of the Day" segment:

Three Romanian gymnasts got in all sorts of trouble for posing nude in videos and other media. I believe the gymnastics association, whatever it's called, reprimanded them somehow, but am too lazy to look that up.

However, in proving that it is not the entire world going backward into repression--something that started happening in the '80s--Bucharest Mayor Traian Basecu has extended these ladies the key to the city.

I haven't seen these photos yet. But I'm sure that, when I do, I'll be extending a key of my own...

Now I'm not one to praise job advice columns. In fact, I think that advice columns, in general, are among the Useless Wonders of the World.

But I had to peek at one recently because it gave advice on avoiding "sexual harassment" (if you have to read it, ironically, you're probably a big moron whose gonna commit sexual harassment anyway, you lug of beef!).

One of the tips was to NOT hold doors open "excessively" for members of the opposite sex.

"Opposite sex," of course, reflecting P.C. paranoia because, well, I can vouch that there's no danger of women holding doors open for men too often. Even if the man is juggling groceries!

Political Correctness, before it was even labeled as such, hammered a nail into the coffin of chivalry.

As I think I've related here before, holding a door open for a woman once earned me a feminist lecture/rant.

It was then I decided that, since we're giving women equal rights lately, we should knock off the chivalry, as it was only a guilty ruse to try and make up for "keepin' the woman down."

Ah, well. I don't know what I'm saying here. But why let that stop me?

We need more wishy-washiness. Part of our problem as a society is that everybody sees things black and white. For or against! Pick a side!

On one hand, I see nothing wrong with holding a door open for a woman. And I must admit that I still do it occasionally (although I'll also sheepishly admit that it's only for elderly women or hot little numbers--with hot little numbers).

But other forms of chivalry, like the paying for the dates, piss me off in our modern age.

And I'm gonna shut up about this now.



No hobby to Ed could be greater

than fishing--in boats or in waders.

With practice, you know

he's almost a pro--

could say he's a real master-baiter!



Today is a very special holiday, and before I get to a holiday-themed S&Y, I have a timely topic to touch upon.

Today, the Chicago City Council heard from the "other" side in its debate on banning smoking in at least restaurants and, some prominent Health Nazis hope, possibly bars (those havens of health), as well.

Unlike the debate in other cities, however, restaurant and bar owners showed up en masse at the Chicago City Council. There were reportedly waves of cheers, jeers and all sorts of rowdiness--with the majority of demonstration against Big Government telling business owners and customers what to do "for their own good."

In the long run, however, prohibitions and borderline prohibitions never work--we saw it with alcohol and just won't admit it with non-giant-corporation-supported drugs.

In the long run, it doesn't matter what they decide. For you heard it hear first: New York and Boston, both struggling with fucked-in-the-ass-without-lubricant economies, will be spiraling even further downward thanks to their anti-smoking, prohibition-courting do-goodisms...

Oh, and speaking of your right to fuck up your own health for enjoyment, today's major holiday may largely eclipse another important day in history we should nonetheless note. Today marks the one-year anniversary of the death of a culinary icon, Dave Thomas...

Of course, today's major holiday is Elvis' Birthday. I'm even off work today! (Although that's my scheduling choice, working part-time in-office hours, and I usually take Wednesday off lately, anyway.)

These leads me to a personal opinion of the Elvis legacy. I think I've related it before, but, hey, I've been doing this for almost four years now, so shit happens. And what's wrong with continually jamming my crackpot ideas down readers' throats? What's wrong with wanting to convert you all into non-thinking, de-individualized robots spouting Slappin' and Yappin' dogma! If Oprah can do it, why can't I aspire to it?

I happen to prefer the overweight, comically drug-addled Elvis to the young, handsome, buff Elvis.

I think the rise of the pathetic Elvis marked a great milestone in American popular culture--we started to see that celebrities were just as screwed up as the rest of us, and usually far more screwed up than the rest of us.

Fat Elvis was more fun. He was loads of laughs. He was the first painstakingly public, widely-acknowledged VH-1 "Behind the Music" story. Plus, the annoying, long-cigarette-ash-bearing, beehive hairdo-sportin', "Elvis is God" folks NEVER prefer Fat Elvis.

And I, for one, applaud the celebrity who doesn't "quit while he/she is ahead" and barrels instead head on into a parody of themselves. Look how ridiculously cheesy Elvis became--and did it overshadow his prime-time glory? Well, in some cases, perhaps... But, if it weren't for Fat Elvis, cynics like me might have never even given the in-his-prime Elvis a chance.

Long live the descents into pathetic parodies of one's celebrity self!

And if, against all laws of logic, you ARE still alive, perhaps pumping gas somewhere in Mississippi: Happy Birthday, Elvis!



>I hold doors open for women all the time. Of course, being 6' 10'' and

>somewhat imposing looking has probably saved me from any feminist rants

>(except those from my girlfriend).


>Excessive Door Opener

Perhaps the height thing has gotten you off the hook. Perhaps I'm just one lucky guy.

Nonetheless, I'd be cautious in your chivalry. At your size, you could end up with rants in the pants.

Which might not be ALL bad, depending...



In big buildings, it's no good sneaking

around with no clothes--it's too freaky.

You can't be too sly--

it's those who act shy

who're often the first ones a'peeking!



At first I thought: Perhaps proving that we are indeed living in a "Bizarro World," and the real, normal world is actually the parallel universe. Why? MTV has announced that it is cracking down on product placement in videos.

Huh? What? The entity responsible for more commercialization and superficiality in music than any other single movement in the history of the arts? Cracking down on a commercial angle?

Then it occurred to me: MTV probably doesn't get a cut from these product placements.


And then another thought: Does MTV play videos very much anymore?


But I guess MTV includes MTV2, which shows a lot of videos. (Or, as some might like to call it, Hip Hop Video Bling Bling Special.) And, who am I kidding, they're part of a huge conglomerate.

So I don't think we're in the Bizarro World after all...

 "Celebrity Mole" is a new example. There was, earlier, "Celebrity Boxing." There are others. I forget the names.

And they bolster my call, which I am again sounding, for some sort of review panel or something to license people as "celebrities."

The definition is stretching like a gymnast in a porno...

Think about the whole premise behind "Joe Millionaire." False hopes, right? The guy's really a poor schlub.

Then think about the TV appearances and God knows what else he's about to land.

Oh, since he's part of a "reality" show, he'll probably never become a full-fledged celebrity. But, if he's even partially wise, or if he hires a financial guy or two, he will be pretty well off in the near future.

Hope I didn't dent your faith in the ethics and integrity of reality TV...

Andrew Luster, Max Factor heir, has been mentioned here before because he's accused of raping women.

And his name's Luster.

"Luster" raping women. He he.

Not the raping of women, of course, but... Oh, come off it! Being far removed from the whole deal, it's funny. The name and... Oh, come off it.

Anyway, I heard on the news that Luster drugged these women and then had sex with them. Which isn't a surprise, considering he is charged with rape and all, but... It made me realize something:

This guy is rich beyond his wildest dreams and he has to drug women to get laid? And I thought I was a nerd!

Unless, of course, he's got some Bizarro World fetish. (Notice how I circled around back to the theme from the first nugget? That's literary mastery for you. Or at least literary masturbationary.)

The whole cosmetics industry is suddenly losing its Luster.



A horny ol' husband named Larry

thought good lap dances ran contrary

to his marriage vows--

but they made him "Wow!"

so he just dubbed them, "Frictionary."



I just read about a chemical called hydroxyl. It's quite prevalent in the Earth's overall environment.

Before you run out and protest this situation, realize that hydroxyl is a naturally occurring chemical that cleans the atmosphere.

I wonder what the radical environmental activists would do if hydroxyl cleaned up all our pollution. Would they turn dogmatic, denying it? Would they just move on? Would they be unable to change and just continuing protesting pollution?

For those who haven't paid attention to me in the past: I'm not some fundamentalist conservative here trying to make a point about how environmentalists should just shut up, ala, "Let us pollute--nature is taking care of it!"

But I find the whole debate about greenhouse gases interesting.

On one hand, there are business interests and such all-too-willing to take as Gospel any book, crackpot or study that contradicts the existence of global warming or other forms of pollution.

On the other hand, we have equally dogmatic folks who are all too willing to discount any evidence that global warming or other forms of pollution don't exist or aren't as bad as once thought.

Again, folks, it's okay to take the middle ground. No need to pick sides--that's how government manages to universally screw us over (only in different, partisan ways, as part of its commitment to diversity).

When in doubt, stay in doubt. Doubt both sides...

And now for an edition of Laughing at Others for No Good Reason:

I've recently happened upon the following funny names for real people. The Atlanta Braves have a player named Jung Bong. The Houston Astros have a player named Brandon Puffer. (Not sure if these two are friends, or if they attend Phish concerts together.) And some non-celebrity is named Robert E. Midgett.

I hope he's really short or really, really tall. So, of course, that if I meet him, it will amuse me all the more...

Here's an update on the Health Nazis quest to ban smoking in restaurants and/or bars in Chicago:

Mayor Richard M. Daley has reportedly changed his mind about backing the idea of a ban in restaurants only after a massive turnout by restaurant/bar owners and employees at City Hall this week.

Although the gist of the measure is to "protect" said workers, most of those workers don't want the "protection."

Of course, protecting us from ourselves, whether we want it or not, is a hip, new and unfortunate new chapter in the How to Be a Liberal book...

Interesting, but L.A. didn't make Conde Nast's American cities Travel Top 10 list.

Chicago did.

Just found it interesting.

Say, maybe they need more TV shows set in Los Angeles to change that, huh?



>Remember Janet at the Daily News, John? She's actually an heir of Max

>Factor. That rapist is her nephew! (how bizarro is THAT?)

I don't know if this was intended for DL consumption but, generally, if you reply directly to the DL, it happens.

I happen to be an heir of Max Power, myself.

And the relationship Mr. Letter Writer spotlights with him and, thus, me, proves that I'm probably somehow connected to Kevin Bacon, too.

Mmm. Bacon.

>Hey Pal,


>I've been gettin' you lines of wit for six months or more. G@@d stuff, but

>I'd like to be removed from your mailing list.


>I do think you rock...I just gotta take a break, OK?


>Sincere wishes for a great new year,

Perhaps it's possible to simply "rock" too much.



Whenever Ric does get the chance

his golf game he seeks to enhance.

Once home, his main goal

is the "Nineteenth Hole"--

pulls "Number One Wood" from his pants!



I've recently learned that there's a new type of condom. One prominent brand is "Performax" and they contain a chemical to dull the sensation in the Willie to prolong intercourse.

Now, there should be no debate over the fact that condoms dull the sensation to begin with.

Be very careful around people buying Performax condoms in your local drug store. They could bump into you on accident and... well... you know... It  could be a sticky situation...

The U.S. government (well, the Post Office, which is a part of the US government, although that doesn't sound as... majestic, or whatever) is being sued over its handling of anthrax. It's charged that employees were needlessly endangered.

Yes, they were just blaring that heavy metal and... No, actually it's concerning the disease spores of anthrax. Not the band. (Anybody remember that there was a band named Anthrax?)

Anyway, I just found it weird that we haven't found the nut or nuts who were attacking the U.S. government with anthrax--but the government, the intended victim, is being sued over it.

Just found it a strange turn of events.



>Frankly, anyone who spells good "G@@D" is no great loss in readership.

What's get me is that, when people bale from Daily Limerick, they feel obligated to give praise and offer excuses.

Do I scare people or something?

Hmm. I smell a new marketing campaign: Daily Limerick--dangerously stupid.



It's easy to tell from a glance

Kate Winslet's computer enhanced.

On that GQ cover--

though she's no "thin lover"--

but still, I'd leap into her pants!



CALLING ALL DL READERS: Since, believe it or not, I'm reworking the Web site and preparing to make it an actual "blog"--as it has been a blog, really, since before there was the word "blog"--I was wondering if people prefer receiving it as e-mail or if they would read it daily on the Web. I could always just do both, but just wondering...

And, again, Special Sunday Readers, just e-mail me and ask to receive the daily version--it will greatly improve your life! (P.S. What's "GHQ"? That's what my spell checker suggests for "GQ"...

The limerick for today is an example of what you can expect with my News Limericks in the Chicago Tribune's RedEye pub--but, as a DL reader, you get a dirtier, uncensored version!

Speaking of that, see my e-mail rallying cry below, which I'm going to send in every edition, and fire one off, praising News Limericks, to keep the dream alive! (Keep the dream alive? Sheesh...)

An ad appearing in the Jan. 10 Chicago Reader: "Christian inmate needs housing with responsible adult for release in May."

Oh, so the guy has the right to be picky, demanding a "responsible" adult, huh? Would a responsible adult take in a former inmate?

Well, he's not just a run-of-the-mill inmate. He's a CHRISTIAN inmate...

And speaking of strange ads, regular readers will know that I often peruse the "adult" and "massage" ads. Even when I was single, I could never work up the sleaziness to really explore such things, but it titillates me to think about them.

Here's one: "Girl included with each session--this year only!"

So, usually, you get a massage without a girl? What, a robot? A guy? A chimpanzee?...

If I were an attorney, I would do a lot of "Pro Boner" work. (I suppose I could work that into a full-fledged joke--and feel free, grasshoppers, to do just that!--but I just found the punchline-lacking punnery amusing and, as we all know, DL is all about my own amusement.)...

WARNING: The final nugget today is tasteless:

There's a passed-out girl gang-rape investigation going on in an affluent Chicago suburb.

Most disturbing about this is the name of one suspect: Christopher Robbins.

Drop the "s" and you have the kid who owned Winnie the Pooh.

Christopher Robbins.

If it's the same guy, Winnie's not the only one known to be stealing the honey.






TODAY'S POEM: Mirrorshape

She is a window and a mirror,

a reflection shaped

and caught.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He will bite.]



NOTE: Sunday only subscribers may not follow this section but... All the more reason to sign-up for the daily version! (Oh, okay, somebody decided to "unsubscribe" and e-mailed DL, offering praise, saying "I rock," etc.--but that he had to "take a break" from receiving it, which caused me to wonder if I was scaring people, which, well, here we go with a response to my response to his unsubscribing:)

>Perhaps your tag should be "Daily Limerick: I know I'M terrified!"

So, is this assuming I, Daily Limerick, am terrified? I'm not sure I follow.

Or are you saying I SHOULD be terrified of my readership?

Hmm. Perhaps you have a point.

Maybe, "Daily Limerick: We're all terrified, so let's be terrified together!"



In genealogical charts

is where you'll find Uncle Jim's heart.

In books or on 'Net--

where it's a safe bet

he takes time to check out nude tarts!



I just gotta say, I love the phrase, "nude tarts." Gotta figure out a way to drop it into casual conversation more often...

I'm in a bit of a funk today--though I don't thinks it has improved my dancing--and also a bit rushed, but I'll leave you with this:

Look at a photo of Judge Judy.

Then, look at a photo of Donald Rumsfield.

Ever seen them both in the same place at the same time?



We all knew a fellow named Chuck

who often tried his gambling luck

but everyone knew

his fave thing to do

was, well... let's say it rhymes with "Chuck."



Congressman Charles Rangel of New York is trying to re-introduce The Draft.

His reasoning: Minorities and blah blah blah are unfairly over-represented as our soldiers and, in re-instituting The Draft, more rich folks will have to send their kids off to battle which, in turn, will make government a little more cautious in considering war.

Right. Oh, and rich people were never able to dodge The Draft. Nope. No prominent politicians, nobody rich at'all.

Sorry, I don't fall for this boo-hooing over people who've joined the military and now have to go to war. Oh, so they didn't expect it, huh?

Well, what the hell did they think the military was FOR?...

I'm sick of this "No blood for oil!" nonsense.

But don't get me wrong here, either. The whole Iraq thing is one of those areas I'm proud to be wishy-washy on. I've learned, through life experience, that wishy-washiness is a sign of wisdom, as most issues aren't black and white. Those with firm stances on many issues are the dangerous ones. Take a look at politics, if you don't believe me. (I understand that this would make Charlie Brown a genius but... Well, what's wrong with that?)

On one hand, it's obvious that Bush is pushing this war largely because a) it's a diversionary tactic, taking focus from our toilet-swimming economy; b) he wants revenge for Daddy and has been planning this since 9/11 or before; and c) yes, the oil.

On the other hand, I'm not gonna cry if Saddam is taken out. While there are many world leaders who "deserve" to be taken out, he's especially sinister. Also, I don't totally discount the "we live in a new world" argument--if he could, Saddam wouldn't hesitate to launch biological and/or chemical and/or nuclear weapons against the U.S., Europe or, most certainly, Israel. And he's probably planning on finding a way to do just that.

But here's a reminder for those who'd decry the "oil" reason: Oil is money. And how do you think people get food and shelter and stuff? Magic spells? Money is life, as sorry a fact as it may be. Nonprofit corporations helping the homeless or whatever employ people for the sole purpose of asking foundations for money.

Oil becomes money, which in turn makes Saddam more dangerous than some despot in a rock-eating African nation, although the latter tyrant might be even more evil, because money can also bring weapons.

I'll also admit that, on the other side, most of this money made form Saddam's oil will not go toward the homeless or the otherwise in dire need. More wishin' and washin' and my part.

But I do wish that Bush would admit that oil has something to do with this, and explain it as I just did. Then we would be in a better position to monitor any of this extra oil money when... or, I mean if... Saddam is taken out.

But common sense has no place in politics or world diplomacy.

And it's too bad wishy-washyism doesn't as well...

A bunch of fundamentalist idiots... Well, the two terms go together like raw oysters and hot sauce, but this bunch happens to be Iranian Muslims... Anyway, they are protesting a cartoon that recently appeared in a local publication.

It's a 1937 editorial cartoon featuring the U.S. smashing a Supreme Court justice with its thumb.


Seems the justice in question looks like the Ayatollah Khomeni.

Who died in, what, the '80s?

Did I mention that the cartoon was from nineteen-thirty-fucking-seven?


Keep your chin up--just more evidence that those who would destroy us are pathetically stupid...

Lisa Dergan is a former Playboy playmate. Now she is posing for Stuff.

For the jizzillionth time, I don't get these new, Maxim-esque "men's" magazines.

But go on, rush right out and grab a copy--so you can see a woman you can otherwise see naked IN A BIKINI!

Where, oh where, did we go so, so wrong...

For non-frequent readers, or those who just don't pay attention, let me briefly remind you of my stance on pro-Hockey:

Although it was once my favorite sport, once even the only sport I followed religiously, I completely ignore hockey now.

Why? Number one: The Blackhawks (my home team) do not broadcast games locally. Their theory is that, if they don't broadcast the game, more fans will pay to see it live.

Not working with me, asswipes.

Number two: Only about FOUR GODDAMNED TEAMS don't make the playoffs. It's one giant exhibition season. Now, absent one of these concerns, I might re-think, but considering both, no way.

Well, I might not be the only one. Two NHL teams--the Buffalo Sabres and the Ottawa Senators--have declared bankruptcy.

I'd be interested in knowing, from non-Illinois readers, what the home game broadcast policies are for their teams. (Right, like you guys will answer anything I ask--but call me the eternal optimist.) I can't imagine that in Ottawa they don't broadcast the games--those Canucks would be rioting without their hockey!

Anyway, this is just another example of how business could benefit from a little Slappin' & Yappin'.

And another example of another way they won't. Not in a million fuckin' years, pal.



Soldiers in many a platoon

will not forget Nurse Jane real soon.

In serving her nation

built a reputation--

which wasn't from healing of wounds!



An interesting concept for a cookie brand came to me the other day accidentally (or seemingly accidentally--the Freudians might argue otherwise): Famous Anus.

I'm resisting the urge to pun mercilessly on this one, but it is a true story...

Arizona has not just charged Diana Ross with a DUI. Since it was three times the legal limit, they're charging her with "Extreme DUI."

An interesting concept. In fact, if you throw "Extreme DUI" in the next "X Games," I might just tune in...

The National Football League is refusing to accept a Super Bowl advertisement by the Las Vegas tourists bureau (or whatever).

Although the ad doesn't plug gambling at all, it is supposedly not within NFL standards, which include the encouragement of wagering nation-wide, woman-beating, rampant substance abuse...

And in order to wrap things up on a circular them:

Today, while preparing some materials to apply for a grant at my part-time, freelance-supplementing job, I glanced at the words "Annual Report" and read it, to myself, as "Anal Report."

What's worse, when it was necessary to utter the phrase aloud to my boss, I stopped myself, in the nick of time, from referring to it as an Anal Report.

You know... Nope, still resisting the urge to pun mercilessly.



>I'm glad you were able to channel your off-mood from yesterday into humor,

>anger and wishy-washiness. :)


>And let's call the war: Operation North Korea Ain't Got No Oil

"Humor, anger and wishy-washiness," by the way, is my new country CD.

And North Korean may not have oil, but do they have vinegar?



A man made a conscious decision--

see his neighbor nude was his mission.

He watch her windows

in hopes she'd lack clothes.

The best that he got? Bellyvision.



In reading a story this morning about new Miller Lite commercials that are once again "offending" a vocal minority we pay far too much attention to, I read a quote from Laura Ries.

Who's Laura Ries, you ask? Why, she an "image guru."

See if your local college is offering a program for future "image gurus"...

I've said many times before in this space that the Supreme Court is, by far, the most intelligent wing of our government. And I still believe that.

But we're losin' 'em.

They just okayed a congressional extension of copyright law protection. Which was enacted to prevent a dire situation from occurring: Disney losing money. Because, of course, they were in danger of losing protection for the mouse (who they curiously don't make much use of) and other junk.

Oh, it wasn't only Disney. There were other huge entertainment conglomerates at risk.

Can't have that happening in a society that prides itself on a free and open exchange of information and ideas...

The California Supreme Court has okayed laws which state that a situation can change from consensual sex to rape DURING sex. In one case, meaning a woman can utter "I should be going home" three minutes before the guy finishes.

Refresh my memory again. Is it the radical conservatives or the radical liberals who have the huge hang-ups about sex?...

And now another addition of Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Here's a girl with a funny and yet unfortunate name (picked from a photo caption in the Chicago Sun-Times). If the laugh isn't guilty enough for ya', realize that she's also a little girl!

Her name: T'Yanna Nicole Smith.

And I bet a reality show about her would be more interesting than her near-namesake's...

"Without a net." Stop using the phrase. Everyone...

Who likes blue pens? Why do they make blue pens? Who doesn't prefer black ink? Have you ever filled out an official form instructing that its completion should be in BLUE ink?

I've found a new cause.



A clumsy old guy named McGee

took class in intensive Tai-Chi.

Fell into a tangle

at quite an odd angle

and got off on some lady's knee.



Warner Brothers Records is forcing Madonna to go back into the studio and re-record songs for an upcoming album, because they are allegedly too "avante garde" and not commercially viable.

Yes, I did mean to type "Madonna"--I didn't mean Jessica Simpson or some boybander dreaming of a solo career, despite the fact that his fan base is reaching puberty.

Arguably, as a pop star, Madonna is not in her prime. But I'm a little floored that the recording industry can even push HER around.

But, of course, the industry had a down year all because of downloading. Right...

And now for another installment of Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

I read of somebody named "Lovie Boggus" in the newspaper.

That name is, like, totally Boggus, dudes.



>Which group has more hang-ups about sex, liberal or conservative? Both. This

>country was founded on the principles of Puritanism, and that reflects in

>the nature of our advertising. Sex is so "risque" rather than just a natural

>part of life in this culture because we think everything is so goddamn

>taboo, feeding that Puritan part of the brain -- which in conservatives

>leads to repression and in liberals, overextension. I'm sure the Puritan

>part of the brain is right next to the reptilian part.


>Calling a Fuck a Fuck

I don't know. Reptiles can be downright spicy! Just ask Britney Spears.



A surfer dude--big fan of Krokus--

tried some pick-up line hocus pocus.

The chick called him "putz,"

kicked him in the nuts

and he found this "scrotally bogus."



Having mused earlier in the week on the Supreme Court's decision to virtually add, "Congress shall make many laws... promoting Disney's right to profit" (despite my assertion that, in most cases, the Supreme Court is the only wing of government with a modicum of common sense), perhaps my brain was subconsciously combing its oddly "organized" array of files pertaining to past Supreme Court decisions with frightening consequences.

But, for whatever reason, I saw an ad or news story or whatever pertaining to a company that drug tests because they have a "drug free work place."

Let's examine this phrase, shall we? We can say that most of us have a "nudity free workplace"--and if you don't, get in touch with me about "Take Your Favorite Limericist to Work Day"--that doesn't mean the company tests for engagement in nudity outside the workplace.

Or, for that matter, that doesn't mean the company can seize your bed or--if you're especially spicy--kitchen table because it related to an alleged incident of nudity, regardless of whether its proven or not.

Oh, I'm just being nutty now, aren't I?

And I don't even want to touch on the whole idea that I'm sure these workplaces aren't free of drugs like Viagra and Vioxx and whatever the hell else is sweepin' the nation legally and profitably for large, commercial-happy drug makers.

Well, Daily Limerick is drug-free these days. Unless you count the coffee.



The commies across the Left Pond

are pissed off now at our James Bond.

But in North Korea

they seem to agree-a

that there's nothing wrong with Jane Blonde.



Concerning today's limerick: For those not in the know, "Jane Blonde" is, er... Well, it's the title of a pornographic feature.

But I haven't seen it.

I mean it. Haven't seen that one.

In any event, it doesn't really matter. I'm playing off the stereotype of, well, a bunch of guys usually surrounded by women with one hair color going gaga for something new.

Hey, I live in a society where we seem to engage in Blonde Worship and I think that's played a part in the fact that I've only dated brunettes until eventually marrying one. And if I lived in a land with, say, no redheads, I might go a little gaga for them.

And from the tales I've heard of Kim Jong Il, well... Let's just say that the next Jane Blonde installment might be part North Korea documentary, if you cast a ridiculously short Korean guy in there somewhere...

Remember, Sunday Only Subscribers: Just e-mail me and, for the asking, you can get the daily version delivered to your e-doorstep!...

Here's a sign of home: One of those ridiculously common Entertainment Industry Masturbation Fests, the American Music Awards, scored its lowest ratings yet this week...

And, in keeping with the rule that every silver lining follows a dark cloud: One of the shows that beat the AMA show was "Joe Millionaire"...

Britney Spears is now guest starring on, not Saturday Night Live, not "Friends," but "It's All That!" For all our readers over the age of 12... Er, for ALL our readers, that's a kids sketch comedy show on Nickelodeon.

As the clock of fame surpasses the 16th Minute for Britney...

What's with all the wannabe macho guys bashing cats?

For the record, I'm a cat AND dog person--if I didn't live in a city apartment, with no yard, I'd probably have a dog, too, but I have two cats.

And I notice that a certain breed of guy always has a comment about this. Usually, something on the order of, "I hate cats" or "dogs are so much better" but sometimes even intimating that I may in fact be homosexual solely because of my choice in pets.

Don't you just have to wonder about a guy who must direct antipathy toward a furry animal that averages about 10 pounds in weight--simply because it's not the most "macho" of animals, by some definitions of "macho," anyway?

Do these guys go out and kill butterflies, too, over uncomfortable feelings in watching Enrique Iglesias videos?...

Today's edition of Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

I saw an obituary for a guy named Dick One.

(Does the fact that its an obituary make the laughs at his expense even more guilty?)

Too bad. He's got the name, anyway, for the starring role in the next Jane Blonde installment.








Early morning sickness:


With your dark skin,

steamy vision.


made creamy clean.

Warm surging.


Connect thoughts

never met; heart races,


Some stains,


Surely some stains.

But I feel so clean

that I don't notice.

I refuse to notice.

With a taste of you,

the sight of you



turning -- turning

to find all the details

rich and deep,

like liquid dreams.

Oh, my love.

My cup of coffee.

We must never part.

You are always.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He will bite.]



Now Jack lent a Hustler to Fred

to ensure Fred's lust was well-read.

When Fred gave it back

'twas torn up and hacked

because it got stuck to Fred's bed.



There are all sorts of stupid and frightening developments going on today, as usual, but I feel I have to take time out and rant about one of the most moronic developments known to modern man: The Segway.

Words cannot describe the moron level of this development. This has gotta be in the Moron Hall of Fame--and that's saying a whole bunch, if you've kept up on S&Y over the years. Maybe "Segway" should just be a synonym for "moron," ala, "Look at that Segway, trying to fit his SUV in a compact car parking spot!" or, "The damn Segway stuck his hand in a blender and lost three fingers." I don't think there actually is a Moron Hall of Fame, but we should open one--by seizing all the assets of this shit-for-brains company and using it to open the Segway Moron Hall of Fame.

Do you recall how, when the Moron behind this thing was preparing to unveil it, he flooded the media with all sorts of press releases on how something that would "change mankind" was about to be unveiled? And the media bought it? And it boiled down to the moment of truth and a glorified, motorized pogo-stick-lookin' thing that people are supposed to stand on and drive around, appropriately looking like a flaming moron as it reaches speeds of about 12 miles an hour and provides much-needed further clogging and heightened danger on urban streets? Has the guy ever heard of a bicycle? Does he feel we need even LESS exercise?

Well, there IS some good news concerning this worthless hunk-of-feces invention: San Francisco has banned them from its streets. I also read that no major cities have actually approved the device for use.

Of course, for the good of the human race, I'm hoping these particulars aren't necessary. People who spend the ridiculous price for one of these should have their assets frozen and given to charity. They should also have the word "moron" tattooed on their heads.

And as for the marblehead inventor of the Segway, he should be banned from inventing anything else. This is a crime against intelligence, folks. I'm generally violently opposed to anything bordering on "thought police," but I have to make an exception with this jelly brain. He shouldn't be allowed to THINK about inventing anything. Hell, he shouldn't even be ALLOWED to think. We need a court-appointed guardian to follow him around and beat him dizzy with a summer sausage whenever he so much as wrinkles a brow in thought.

I feel like a chowederhead for devoting the 15 minutes or so to rant about this steamin' hunk of shit called a Segway. I wanna sue the bastard for the valuable minutes I've spent reading about the whole damn thing.

And now, I must confess, I don't know how to throw a cute little, convenient ending on this rant.

So I'll just end it.

A day that will live... in Moronity.

(An attempt, anyway.)



"Awards Show Land" I haven't probed.

Perhaps if contestants disrobed

I'd brave the sensation's

ego masturbation

if we'd see some REAL "Golden Globes."



New York Fuhrer Michael Bloomberg who, as you know, has decided to drive New York's economy completely underground by banning smoking in most indoor areas, including bars, upon hearing that the Rolling Stones were smoking on stage, SENT THE COPS AFTER THEM.

Congrats, Bloomberg! You've brought the rest of the nation's "Fruits and Nuts" complaint over to the Other Coast.

And, again, plenty of time has passed: We can safely hate New York again...

And speaking of the Fruits and Nuts on the West Coast, West Hollywood is either considering or has passed a law banning the de-clawing of cats.

When I lived in California, me and the wife were barred from adopting a cat at one agency because we mentioned that our other cat was declawed.

There is a strong movement toward Cat Nazism today. Apparently, these people feel it's better for a cat to live in a cage all his/her life than to go with somebody who would actually declaw them.

I've seen many declawed cats. And I guess they just put on their best airs. Only when I turn my back, do they hobble around and howl ceaselessly with this lifelong pain from declawing, I suppose.

But one argument by these flaming nutrods is that, should a cat escape, it won't be able to defend itself. As if a life-long domestic cat has much of a chance should it get out for long, anyway.

I'm not saying that perhaps there aren't ways to conduct the operation in a better manner. but another argument is that declawing is just a cruel fate to inflict upon an animal.

And chopping off one's genitals isn't? I wonder what a cat would have to say about this. "Hey--take the tips of my fingers before you go touching that, pal"...

Are you frightened yet? Well, if not, I'll fill you in on a letter to the editor I read the other day which was pushing for adding stalls to all boys' restrooms because, otherwise, it "teaches kids that it's right to urinate in front of stranger."

Perhaps we just don't have enough serious problems in the U.S...

Still not quaking in your boots (or whatever footwear you're wearing)?

Well, if you've ever flipped around with the remote, like me, watching stuff you have little interest in but trying to keep fully abreast of pop culture for fun-making purposes, you may have noticed that on children's channels like Nickelodeon, they sell albums under the "Kids' Bop" label.

These are otherwise "normal" songs that it appears the record industry forces artists to give up right to. A group of kids sings these songs. "Alternative-y" songs are not shielded from the horror--it isn't just for Britney Spears-y stuff anymore...

And if you're still not quivering on the floor, I just read about some extensive survey on abortion attitudes which reports, among other things, that 76 percent of Americans support abortion in cases of rape and incest.

Think about the other 24 percent.

Then think about the fact that 1 in 4 Americans don't think abortion is justified in cases of rape and abortion.

Read the rest of S&Y after you compose yourself...

Today's edition of Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason brings us to a real girl in the news named Tequilla Tripplett.

I won't tell you how she was in the news as the story is not worthy of fun-making.

But the name is!

And I name like that cries out for a cheap "shot"...



Referring to yesterday's rant about the Master Moron Invention, the Segway:

>That's a good segue into the uselessness of motorized scooters.

I wouldn't say that ALL motorized scooters are useless--for instance, if they go FASTER THAN 12 MILES AN HOUR and are meant for use over fairly long distances, like CROSSING COLLEGE CAMPUSES instead of NAVIGATING STREETS IN MAJOR CITIES!

Aaaah! Aaaaaa! (Stop me before the ghost of Sam Kinison overtakes me, here.)



Those bored by the dumb "Bachelorette"

should know that there's hope for it yet!

Just follow her quest

as she does her best

to get all the cock she can get!



Caution: Today's S&Y is a tad sappy, I think. But I at least work in some piggishness at the end...

You'll notice that today's limerick is of the "newsy" variety. (And I'll also admit it made me blush a feel a tad ashamed.)

As a rule, lately, I've used these situations as a way of reminding you readers of just how lucky you are--receiving a "raw and uncensored" version of the News Limericks that the Chicago Tribune's RedEye publication is paying me to write Monday through Friday. And receiving it without even having to walk to a newspaper box!

But now I figured it's time to fill you in on something: My freelance contract with RedEye was canceled. Monetary concerns, layout concerns... I'll leave it at that, as I'm grateful for the opportunity and may still do other freelance work for the pub.

So this means I am no longer one of the few, the proud, the poets actually making appreciable income off poetry.

On the plus side, you are still lucky, readers, because you're now the ONLY people reading any form of News Limerick!

Don't get too cocky about it, though. And remember that not everybody is so, er, lucky...

I'm afraid that I must admit I've become a Christmas Nazi.

Before you go thinking that I'm pathetically late for a topic like this (or even more pathetically early), I'll explain myself:

I enjoy Christmas at a heightened level of ridiculosity. And as the old, horn-laden song says, "What goes up, must come down," I always experience a post-Christmas comedown.

I've had a strange way of dealing with this. I don't kick-off my personal holiday season early and I don't extend it. In fact, I do just the opposite: I have strict rules about not playing a Christmas CD, and cursing the holiday-themed commercials, until after Thanksgiving. And it all stops New Year's Day. It gets crazier than this, but that's all you need to know for right now.

Part of the reason for this is that I perhaps fear I'll have the lights up in February. Complimenting this is the fear of becoming one of those people who do just. And also the pure and utter hatred for companies cheapening the holiday by exploiting it in commercials right around Halloween.

Also, though, it's doing my part to keep the season special. I hold it dear because it's only around for a limited time. As a hideously imperfect analogy, it's like drinking: A lot of fun, when kept to weekends and/or evenings--at special times. But once you're poundin' shots every morning, it's not so special anymore. It's normal... And there are more problems, with the constant drinking and the metaphor.

Of course, be married and not having final say on these things, my attempts at keepin' Christmas "real" (ugh) are often thwarted. I'm embarrassed to say how long the tree was up this year (I will say it is most certainly gone now) but, if it were up to me, it'd be down January 1.

There's a lot of digressing going on here, I know. But, having explained that, here's why I'm becoming a Christmas Nazi: I notice the Christmasification everywhere. I see a stray Santa magnet still on my mom's fridge and think, "Take it down!" The lights that are still out on trees stick out like a buck naked Jennifer Love Hewitt to me (only in a much different way). I have an urge to expunge everything Christmas, to tailor the world to my silly particulars, moooohahaha!

Perhaps it's better to say I have a Christmas PROBLEM.

And then I feel, "If you really wanna handle the Christmas Thing right, you should not be bothered by the Santa magnet."

Ugh. It's ridiculous.

And I saw a girl walking with a Santa hat on yesterday.

Can't explain it.

And I didn't bother her, though, so maybe my problem and/or Nazism is becoming more manageable.

I just let her walk by. And checked out her ass as she passed.



A man ate a bucket of beans

and went out, to check out the scene.

He held back the gas

which built up a blast

that blew out the back of his jeans.



I read today that Bela Lugosi, Jr. is an "entertainment" lawyer. Actually, the kind who defends Big Entertainment against its "talent." (Right now, he's fighting James Brown.)

Continuing the Lugosi tradition of being remembered primarily as vampires...

Hundreds of sailors were recently busted for underage drinking.

It's an old argument, I know, but isn't anybody else appalled that these men, who are ripe to be sent off to Iraq and this point and possibly killed fighting for our country (regardless of your opinion on the Iraq standoff), cannot have a good, stiff drink?

I'm sure that statistics show that a drinking age of 21, as opposed to 18, saves lives. And, of course, society is viewing life more as a "numbers game" all the time, instead of the inexplicable, non-quantifiable mesh of experiences it truly is.

In Singapore, you can be jailed for simply chewing gum. And statistics show that Singapore has one of the lowest rates of crime around...

Time for a Daily Fright:

The professor accused of lying about missing "Plague" bacteria is out on bond.

Obviously, not a very dangerous type...

And another fright:

Fox-TV in Chicago is actually assembling "Kiddie Idol" modeled after, well, you know.

Because, of course, children aren't sexualized enough in our culture...

Speaking of Fox News Chicago, it's come to light today that the network affiliate has an "agreement" with R. Kelly--first digs on the scoops for namby-pamby treatment.

Ironic, when you think about these last two items together.

This is one instance of media-on-celebrity ass kissing that just happened to get out. It's not even necessary to bother with all the craps on paper like People, Us, Entertainment Weekly...

But I will leave you with some good news, in case you haven't already heard it:

The lawsuit against McDonald's for, you know, launching burgers down people's throats and making them fat, has been thrown out.

Could it be that... Personal responsibility could once again legally be in vogue?




The once "It" show, "Sex and the City"

has one season left--what a pity.

'Though its chicks annoy

it's still a rare ploy

to watch with your girl--AND see tittie!



I don't think that I mentioned this the other day, but... In addition to being lucky simply for being a DL reader because you now get the ONLY source of my (not really) patented News Limericks, you're even luckier because you get an uncensored, unfit for publication in a family newspaper version!

You lucky dog, you!...

"Free Willy" is out on DVD!

That's "Free Willy," the original. Not "Free Willy 2" or "Free Willy 3" or... (not sure if they made any more of them). I can't explain why it took so long.

Ah, the memories! I realize it's no longer timely humor, but "Free Willy" was once a staple of my humor. Something funny about it. Perhaps the subconscious tie-in to Clinton during his presidency, coupled with the fact that "Willy" is also a nickname for the ol' penis, did it. I don't know.

Once, when I was just dating my wife, she met my grandma and Granny raved, "I saw that 'Free Willy 2' and it was a really cute movie." (Grandmas, by the way, like to throw "thats" about willy-nilly. Or should I say they like to throw them about "Free Willy-Nilly.")

Oh, how I miss the pop culture relevance of "Free Willy"...

Why is there no regard for etiquette whatsoever in some public places?

I'm not talking about sporting events or rowdy bars or even strip clubs. I'm talkin' about grocery stores.

People park their carts wherever the hell they want, sideways if possible, taking up as much space as they can. And they don't take a hint, no matter how many cans of creamed corn you drop on their heads. Plus, if you say, "Excuse me" (translated here as "move your goddamned cart you moron!") they look at YOU as if you're rude!

And even on sidewalks, people stick to one side when walking toward you, following a common rule of courtesy.

In the grocery store, its cutthroat! There is no such efforts of "courtesy."

What is it that inspires such savage, selfish behavior in grocery stores? Does thumpin' the melons incite rage?...

("Thumpin' the melons." He hee.)...

Two illegal immigrants were recently arrested in Chicago for hauling 220 pounds of marijuana.

This was all over the news.

A couple days later, it was announced that they didn't have marijuana. It was hay.

The authorities had to perform two tests to find out it wasn't marijuana.

Something tells me that the police involved here will not be up for MacArthur Genius grants anytime soon.

The War on Drugs just looks more intelligent all the time, huh?...

And here is yet ANOTHER thing that you saw predicted here first:

There is a huge backlog of McDonald's new "flatbread" sandwiches because they ARE NOT SELLING ANYMORE.

We look to an establishment like McDonald's for GREASY, UNHEALTHY FOOD like BURGERS. Not some hippie-ass, goofy-named sandwich.

Work on your SERVICE, not your menu. Maybe sales are down, but SALES ARE DOWN FOR ALMOST EVERYTHING and TRENDS HAPPEN.

You will survive. And it's those greasy patties that will do it for you.

If some company were to hire me on as a consultant--and I'll take a quarter of what you pay the typical nimrod--you'll see results.

"Results" sounds mysterious, I admit. But some "results" will be good ones.



With TV guys up in her noggin'

much Internet time Amy's loggin'.

She types in a flurry

but she's in no hurry

just using one hand for her bloggin'!



Illinois state rep. Sarah Feigenholtz is introducing a bill to limit the weight of schoolkids' textbooks.

This is because "experts" say kids are carrying around too much weight. While, of course, other "experts" are pointing out that kids aren't getting enough exercise.

Feigenholtz' quest is part of a larger trend. Other legislatures are introducing bills to limit the amount of homework kids get. While, of course, "experts" point out that are kids are lagging way, way behind other countries in basic academic skills.

To twistedly paraphrase the late Dr. Timothy Leery:

Give in. Turn out. Dumb down.



Since the debut of the "Real World"

reality show boys and girls

have hammed up the screen

pursuing a dream

but has "stardom" ever unfurled?



Oh no! Zach Galligan was busted for theft!

I don't have a lot of commentary on this, but it is just funny.

Who, you are probably asking, is Zach Galligan? Well, he's an actor who was in "Gremlins," "Gremlins 2" and... Perhaps something else.

He was busted for stealing a CD from a Tower Records. (Something tells me that "Gremlins 4" isn't on the burner.)

As if this wasn't funny enough, get a load of the CD he stole: Deep Purple.

Not sure which Deep Purple album it was.

More proof that God must have a sense of humor, the way a perfect joke just up and happens like this from time to time...

John Cleese is suing the British publication, Evening Standard, for "humiliation." (Those Brits are still having trouble with the whole idea of Free Speech, evidently, considering that there is some legal basis for this.) It seems that the Standard claimed that Cleese, well, basically has sucked since moving to Hollywood and doing his entertaining there.

From "Monty Python's Flying Circus" to the remake of "The Out of Towners"--a step down?


Since I've done a whole lot of bashing of "reality" TV in this space, I thought I'd clarify something.

I keep reading all these rants against the phenom. But most of them are upset with the whole thing because society is taking so much joy in the humiliation of others, and also because all of the "Bachelor-esque" shows appear to be trivializing the very idea of love and marriage.

I have no problem with laughter at the humiliation of others, or even at the expense of myself. And I think we were doing a fine job of trivializing love and marriage long before the "reality" craze came along.

I'm appalled at the whole "reality" thing for two reasons: 1.) It's part of the Entertainment Industry's sinister plot to do away with writers altogether and 2.) more importantly, "reality" shows simply suck. Other than a scantily dressed girl here and there--for which there are no shortages of outlets for anyway--I see absolutely no redeeming and/or entertaining quality about them.

So I'm not getting all "holier than thou." Just more "with better taste than thou"...

Anybody else get the feeling that stuff like Botox, Vioxx, Viagra, Prozac, etc., is "Today's Tobacco"?

For instance, in days gone by, people smoked like fiends while pretending, although cavemen figured out that inhaling smoke was bad for you, that there was nothing dangerous about it. And as soon as possible health effects were made "official," and the Evil Science of lawyering advanced significantly, people sued over the obvious and, remarkably, society allowed this.

Injecting crap that inhibits your ability to make facial expressions? Poppin' pills for every ill knowing that, while the FDA may say they're "okay," you know there's a lot of money involved for the companies that make 'em and, thus, objectivity is most certainly compromised?

Just remember to tell you kids and grandkids that you read about it first in Slappin' and Yappin'...

Why are there still horoscopes by Sydney Omarr running?

Don't tell me that astrologers do these things ahead of time? Aren't some flecks of dust on their telescopes or whatever changing day by day? Isn't this a complicated, ever changing art? How can this be?

Can it be that astrologers--with all their care in, oh, say, not changing our signs around, considering that I would've actually been born under Taurus when the ancient Greeks blew pot and made this stuff up but that, since, the Earth has shifted around and if they want even a crap nugget of credibility they should AT LEAST re-configure to reflect this?--anyway, that was a long aside, but... Can it really be that this serious, careful "scientists" can do silly, inexplicable thing from time to time?

The shock!






TODAY'S POEM: A Cool Drink of Words

She wants a cool drink of words

to wet with its refreshment,

uncomplicated by


To let its meanings slide,

sentences and spaces.

She wants a simple sense of


She doesn't like routes

that go back on themselves --

the wet rings from a lifted glass


She would rather be content

with the basic sounds of speech.

She does not want a thought

to be annoyed.

She wants a cool drink of words.

One imbued with darkness --

but only just a scent of it,

in haste.

She's banging on the table.

She has finished this new poem.

She requests a drink

to kill its taste.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He will bite.]



The flick, "About Schmidt" turns quite crude

and shows Kathy Bates in the nude.

Now, Free Speech be blessed

when hot chicks undress

but this is just obscene and lewd!



What in the hell is a "consultant"--and what does one do?

Am I the only one puzzled when I ask what somebody "does" and am told they are a "consultant"? Or when I ask just what the hell a business is in the business of doing and am told they're "consultants"?

How do you get a job "consulting"? Do you need any qualifications? Are there different types of consulting?

I've been following the story of a Dracula them park that's been planned for Transylvania. Today, I read that the folks behind this venture hired Price-WaterhouseCoopers for "consulting."

And they're consulting the project away from Transylvania and closer to Bucharest because, well, according to PWC, it will attract more people.

Personally, I would be more likely to go to Dracula Land in Transylvania--how many excuses does one get to visit Transylvania?--than in Bucharest, but I'm not an overpaid, questionably occupied consultant.

Does anybody know just how I'd break into consulting?



Once we played dumb, as if tobacco

could not have a health punch to pack-o.

Botoxes and Prozacs

prove lawyers will ne'er lack

blame suits, despite red flags cry'n "wacko."



I hate flyers and hand-outs. The ones that are given to you by people on city streets and other busy areas.

It should go without saying that I, like most people, hate the business flyers, although I've occasionally used a hand-out like a sub sandwich coupon and even once got cheap dental services because I happened to be planning to visit a dentist soon and didn't have a regular one at the time.

There are also the "protest" flyers and such.

I hate flyers because, when I'm caught off guard and don't ignore the flyer-passer, I have to find a garbage can. And I'm usually reading the newspaper, sort of, as I walk to public transportation and such, with a notebook under my arm and all, and the flyer just throws a monkey wrench in the whole, semi-juggling process.

And it gets me wondering whether these flyers do anything at all.

I know there have been court cases about this stuff. Somebody wants to crack down on folks giving out flyers, either due to the bother or due to the ensuing pollution via discarded flyers, and then it's challenged in court and asserted as a First Amendment right.

But I guess that, overall, I wonder if these exercisings of First Amendment rights really do anything.

It's not just flyers, I suppose. Protests don't seem to pack much of a punch today. Yesterday, a bunch of people in Chicago were protesting the Iraq war, which Bush has been planning since at least Sept. 11, 2001, and a bunch were even hauled off to jail.

Nobody seems to care. Nobody says, "Man, those people went to JAIL for that cause? I'm gonna re-think my support for Bush's Iraq policy!" For that matter, nobody ever seems to say, "Hmm, this flyer that has disturbed my morning commute says 'Meat is Murder'... You know, I've eaten my last burger after seeing this!"

We're used to these things. Perhaps in the '60s and '70s, when protesting really evolved, it turned enough heads and stretched enough minds to have an effect. But maybe I'm being silly thinking that, too.

At the same time, I know there is a certain, tiny class of people who just may be influenced by such things. For instance, if I'd have been crossing a campus in my late teens or early twenties and hadn't thought much about the earlier Gulf War, a flyer may have nudged me in a certain direction.

So, the operative question is: Just what the hell is my point here?

Well, our right to assemble and pass out flyers has been solidly upheld by courts for so long that it's a given. But do we need to figure something else out? Are we too comfortable and dumbed-down for any protest to have any effect?

For the record, I'm wishy-washy on the Iraq thing and I don't have a problem with meat.

But there are other things that truly piss me off that I'd like to protest. Other things that I feel are even more dangerous to our way of life.

But I don't think a flyer or a pow-wow with a bunch of greasy folks in socks and Birkenstocks is going to change things, so I'll just keep piddling away at an e-newsletter and hope that magically riles some folks up or something...

I overheard a Public Service Annoyance recently stating that "one in three reckless drivers test positive for marijuana."

I remember when I was in high school, the line was that pot caused birth defects. I wondered where all the two-headed children were from the baby boomers and their summers of love and such. I guess there was no real evidence behind it, because that line has pretty much vanished from the propaganda.

There was another recent PSA showing a pot smoker blowing away his pot smoker friend. For, as anybody who's ever smoked--and not necessarily inhaled, of course--in their younger days knows, pot makes you crazily violent. That's why there are all these pot murders and pot beatings and fights and such like there are with alcohol.

I question this new statistic but, even if it's solid, there's a few things to keep in mind.

One: I'm guessing that most convictions for reckless driving involve youthful males. And I'm also guessing that, since the vast majority of Americans aged 40 and younger (who ironically tend not to vote as much) view pot with a much different attitude than the majority of those in power or voicing their political opinions (I think), it's probably pretty safe to say that AT LEAST one in three guys in their late teens/early twenties smoke pot on occasion.

There's also the matter of pot staying in one's system for a long time, meaning a positive test result doesn't necessarily mean the "reckless driving" occurred under the influence. Then again, why am I debunking PSAs, which everybody knows as paranoiac and wild-eyed to begin with.

We've already decided, years ago, that the best way to deal with children is to lie to them, as long as it's for a good cause.

I need to make up some flyers...

The Chicago City Council has decided to put off its vote on a "Zig Heil!" smoking ban until after February elections.

How do we let government get away with putting off votes until after elections? These people are representing us but the only reason for such behavior is to ensure that their voting decisions won't influence our voting decisions.

In other words, they do this hoping we'll forget (and, unfortunately, we usually do). Our representatives do this so that the opinions of the people they're representing won't interfere with their careers as representatives of us.




We'd embrace the moronic-ass "Segway"

if daily, we each drank a keg-way.

Cities don't find enticin'

its lame quest to be licensed

to go slow, most will choose the free "legs-way."



I didn't watch the State of the Union Address.

This isn't the first time I skipped it. Of course, family and friends are appalled when I mention this habit of mine. "But you're a JOURNALIST!"

First of all, until somebody gives me a TV show right after a State of the Union Address or something, I have no reason to see it immediately. It's generally in the next day's newspaper. Not to mention that, usually, nothing is said during the address that you don't already know if you pay attention anyway. The whole address was more important, oh, around the time that the telegraph was the foremost technology.

I'll remind people, too, that Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address. That doesn't happen today. Focus groups write presidential speeches. The system works much the same way a Hollywood sitcom is written.

But, of course, with different goals. Sort of, anyway...

A number of newspaper, including the Minneapolis Star Tribune and the Lincoln (Nebraska) Journal Star, are dropping the "Fighting" from University of Illinois teams' "Fighting Illini."

This is because of increased sensitivity to Native Americans, spearheaded largely by guilty, nothing-better-to-do, white people.

Now, I'd understand if they'd just refuse to use Native American names as mascot names, referring perhaps instead to the "University of Illinois football team."

But they're dropping the "fighting" because it makes the Illini Indians out to be violent. Which I think was the point, considering that their most prominent team is the football team.

So, not only is it insidious, but Political Correctness has apparently lost its way...

I heard the word "forsaken" today.

No, I wasn't at one of those medieval fairs. And somebody needs to put out a dictionary purely for "Medieval/Nu-Metal English"...

Speaking of medieval terms, can we please, please retire the idea of referring to anything "with attitude"...

If you, like me, are still confused about what to think of Eminem--he's a pompous blowhard, yet he's kinda clever, he picks easy targets, but its still enjoyable when somebody makes fun of Moby, he's a hateful bastard, yet he has many lyrical characters and who knows what he's saying--here's a new thing about the guy to consider:

Eminem is refusing to go to Hollywood and campaign for an "8 Mile" Oscar.

What? There's something other than QUALITY considered in Oscar voting?...

Here's a update to my rant about flyers yesterday:

Actually, it's not an update--it was my original point but I flew off on a rant.

The flyer I received yesterday was from a politician running for alderman.

I know why they hand out these flyers. But do you know what its affect on me was? I'm leaning toward not voting for the guy just because of the damn flyer.

Although, of course, there are many other particulars to consider.

But I don't think that was the intent.



Now, four hundred fests have been cram-mied

into each year--some say the Grammies

were early awardin's

for Industry whorin'

and stars slammin' each others hammies.



It was a morning that began with proof that there is, indeed, a God.

In a window across from my deck, there's an apartment with two attractive young women who often prance by the window. I first noticed this blessing when I saw one in sweats and a belly shirt.

Now, I'm no true voyeur. I don't sit and wait for window views and I don't go out of my way to check out the possibilities. But this is right in my prime point of view, from one end of the apartment, anyway, and I didn't go looking for this, just happened to catch the belly-shirted beauty one day and, well, I've been prayin' ever since.

This morning, first view I got when pouring a cup of coffee: One in sweats and a frilly bra, the other just wrapped in a towel.

And some say that prayer is a waste of time...

And speaking of good news: Ben Affleck's a wuss.


You see, as a guy, I secretly hope than there's something "wrong" with any guy that chicks find attractive. Usually, the hope is that they're gay. (Perhaps "wrong" was the, er, wrong word because, of course, there's nothing wrong with that... But let's not go there, either.)

I still maintain Affleck is, in fact, gay. But now I now that he is at least a big weather wuss.

He's in Chicago filming some undoubtedly lame film with J. Lo--and, can it really possibly be a good flick--anybody ever hear of John and Yoko?--I guess they're moving the whole flick back to L.A., planning to recreate the sets they were using here, because Benny is, boo hoo, sniff sniff, cold. Oh so cold. His poor widdle fingers and toesies are chilly.

He's a wuss, plain and simple. No ifs, and... Yet considering his main squeeze, plenty of butt!...

I actually read today about some researches who are making an argument that fast food is addictive.

Not "addictive" in the colloquial sense but in the "get lawyers drooling" kinda way.

And it got me to wondering: We hear all about what's bad for us and just how bad it is, but should some of these researchers take into account the fact that life is more than a race to see who goes the longest but, well, it's supposed to be fun?

Oh, almost forgot. I pointed out here many months ago that, although they're not calling it by the name yet, the War on Fun was declared some time ago.



Pete Townsend and other big names

with child porn, are goin' down in flames!

I long for sex scandal

that my brain can handle--

ala Marv Alpert and Rick James!



Although it's been said, many times many ways... Why do we care what actors and actresses have to say about anything political?

Lately, of course, the biggest thing is Iraq, but it doesn't take much to set these inflated-headed thespians off. Alec Baldwin and some others were supposed to have moved to Canada when Bush became president, for instance. Barbra Streisand hasn't stopped throwing her two cents around for years--or perhaps I should say she hasn't stopped throwing around her half-peso.

I don't think many of us do care what they say, although we often curiously tend to care more when we agree. I guess we can largely blame The Media, as we tend to blame them for most anything that pisses us off these days, anyway. And it's true that the media always tends to cover a celebrity's crackpot political tangent--but it is also true that we tend to read those stories in the newspapers and tend not to change channels when That Damn Media is broadcasting them.

Getting back to actors and actresses, though, I focus mostly on them because they basically read other people's stuff for a living. Some of them might be great artists but, to be honest, most are just good-looking, hard-working and willing to blow a producer here and there.

So I single out actors and actresses because we may care what a, say, writer would have to say. Or even an intelligent musician--somebody who uses their head for a living.

But football players and the president of the local plumber's union rarely call press conferences to bitch about politics. And if they did, we probably wouldn't care.

The next time an international crisis arises in which method acting is a key issue involved, however, I'll be eagerly anticipating Susan Sarandon's opinion on the matter...

When I wait for the subway on weekdays, there's an "entertainer" of sorts always at one of the spots I have to stand and wait. He plays music on a stereo of some sort and dances around in a strange costume with his face painted silver.

I guess the theory behind this is that I am supposed to be cheerful over being entertained on my route and I'm supposed to be so overjoyed and taken aback at his talent that I give him money.

Instead, his questionable taste in music disturbs my newspaper reading and, well, that ain't the half of it.

He really just frightens the hell out of me.

Which would be okay, I guess, if that's what the intended effect was.

But there's not a lot of purposeful street horror performers, these days.


Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49


In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (Oh, and what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough subscribers!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since... Well, almost since birth, I had award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things--so "Slappin' and Yappin'" was born, somehow. Via highly non-immaculate conception. Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

We'll probably keep on mutating from here!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.


If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's, e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!


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