Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2003

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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***

DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2003:

I hope Cali voters are learning

they should be a touch more discerning.

Bad actor, they chose

to fix the state's woes--

and already, half the state's burning.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2003:

Well, well, well. Another cruise ship beset with virus?

When are they going to name one of 'em, "The Microsoft Windows"?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2003:

"Experts" this week said latest signs

prove economy's doin' fine.

This good news should place

a smile on the face

of all in unemployment lines.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2003:

Today's special, full-on, honkin' Super Sunday Daily Limerick edition brings you the first election, er, "endorsements" ever carried by DL!

Naturally, our idea of "endorsements" is a bit different from other publications but, well, I suppose you can read on and figure that out if, lacking the proper amount of coffee for the time of day you're reading this or whatever, you couldn't have guessed that...

Democratic candidate Howard Dean has dubbed himself a "metrosexual."

Therefore, I am endorsing not voting for him.

Even setting aside the fact that metrosexual translates as "girly man" (and that we live in "tough" times) and, hell, setting aside any of his positions on anything of importance, he's chosen to fall for a major marketing scam.

(For those not familiar with S&Y's standard disclosures, including Sunday-only readers, realize that I would have no problem with Dean coming out of the closet as gay but... Well, I won't get into it here.)

("Metrosexual," for those unknowing, is the latest attempt by marketers to nudge heterosexual men into buying clothes and such--stuff that, throughout the history of humanity, straight men have never been interested in and which, until the end of the history of humanity, will still be the case--by employing a shameless bandwagon technique--"All the straight guys are into shoes!"--which, returning to The Point, Mr. Dean has evidently bought right into, unless there's even more unsavory motives involved, such as campaign contributions from the Gap or whatever but, in any case, this is deeply disturbing, so what's next?, candidates running on mottoes like "I'm Lovin' it"?, and enough of this parenthetical already!)

So expect DL's "endorsements" to be a series of anti-endorsements.

If you pay even a modicum of attention to politics, you know that we're basically voting for the lesser of two or three or however many evils, anyway. So eliminating the morons one by one, endorsement-wise, makes perfect sense...

By the way, I proudly, unabashedly admit to being Metrophobic...

But in all seriousness, or in at least as much seriousness as can be expected in S&Y, I am hoping a Democrat wins the next presidential election.

I was fine with having a Republican president after 8 years of a Dem. Some might argue that the GOP should have just as much time as the Dems did to screw things up in their own signature way, but Dubya's been especially efficient with his time.

You see, as far as I'm concerned, each party is screwed-up in its own unique way. We wouldn't want either party to rule long enough to see their uniquely misguided Master Plans through so, strangely enough, things balance out okay the way things are. Or at least acceptably enough. A more intelligent third party, or third and forth and so on parties, would be ideal but, well, baby steps, my friends.

I'm not going to get into the boring particulars of this. But, as a more whimsical example here's one reason I was ready for a switch to the GOP in 2000:

Whenever there's a Democratic president, underground phenomena become mainstream. Under Clinton's reign, the once "underground" phenomenon of the coffee house--a smoke-filled hang-out for poor artists nursing bottomless cups, getting by financially thanks to the occasional sandwich or dessert over--became a hip movement. We now have squeaky clean Starbuckses replacing real coffee houses, filled with pretty much everybody BUT artists.

There's also the example of "alternative" music, but I assume you get the idea.

Dubya, therefore, has energized the underground. But it's time to make the current underground pathetically vanilla. And in a few more years we'll undoubtedly go back to the GOP, never capable of figuring out that the partisan set-up basically dives us and screws us all equally, benefiting only those in power, and such is the way of culture's evolution...

By the way, considering that knuckleheads are already clamoring for a change to allow foreign-born citizens to run for office, how long do you think it'll be before corporate logos are allowed to run, ala Mickey Mouse? It's not as if this country is run by an individual anyway, so it might be the next, logical step after the focus-group president...

Oh, the shock! I heard, coming from the TV last night, that Hollywood people are--get this--nutty for Las Vegas!

I think this hard-hitting investigative conclusion came from "Extra!"...

Or was it "Access Hollywood"? To me, and this isn't perhaps politically correct, all ass-kissers look alike...

And when are we going to get intelligent folks sounding off about what "offends" us, to counter the fringe-dwelling nutrods always up-in-arms?

Because, to be honest, I am deeply offended by "Extra"...

And "Access Hollywood," for that matter...

It's Sunday and, unfortunately, the marathons of home decorating shows are running at full-bore (some might argue "home destruction shows" is a more appropriate moniker).

For those who have witnessed the snore-inducer known as "While You Were Out," I'm wondering if, concerning the show's tactic of following the spouse (usually husband) while he's out of town under false pretense for the "decorating" to occur--well, if they've ever encountered the out-of-towner sleeping around.

How would they handle that?

They probably would kill the episode because, God knows, the last thing they want is excitement on the program...

I've said it before and will, unfortunately, probably say it again, but... Stop using the term "outrageous" to describe entertainment industry offerings!

Has ANY movie prompted "outrage" beyond a group of vocal minorities in, oh, twenty years or so?

Well, I've been outraged by the growth of stupidity in the industry but, again, I'm not some raving lunatic with delusions of 15th Century religion dancing in my head, so what do I matter?...

Sunday Story Time: Miss Flowers.

Miss Flowers was one of the teachers in our grade school "pod."

They called it a "pod" because there were four corner classrooms surrounding a large, open room used for various activities, including fat Mr. Byers singing stuff like "kumbaya" with his acoustic guitar.

One of the teachers was Miss Flowers, whom most of us boys regarded as foxy (it WAS the '70s, you know.)

One day, I sent Miss Flowers a letter, telling here that she was pretty.

This freaked out my little world for a while. "Should I have given her that letter?" "Will I get in trouble? Will everybody find out?" The anticipation was nerve-wrackikng.

Everybody did somehow find out. My parents were somehow notified. But I didn't really get in trouble. Miss Flowers in fact thanked me for the letter, and I did make her blush.

I don't know what kinda lesson or moral can be learned from this story.

But suffice it to say that, although it was viewed as "cute" by the adults involved, I really wanted to hump Miss Flowers.

Well, I didn't know what "humping proper" was, exactly. But, like a small, horny dog, I knew that she got my wienie going if I thought about her long enough, I may have just humped her leg, had she told me to "help myself."

Us males get sick and twisted rather early, you know.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/2/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Buried in the result

Frozen fire glints lakeside,

underhanging,

upside down and motionless.

Tear,

slipdrop melt,

its only perceptible movement.

Attenuating,

sun smoothing, lengthening

a softened blade.

Which suddenly breaks,

stabbing the drift.

A piece of the flame.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He will bite.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2003:

It's Kerry and Edwards and Dean

all over the media scene.

But what's more annoying

the ads they're employing

or Christmas ones, 'fore Halloween?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2003:

The Iraqi lawyer who made the Pentagon's near-Broadway-level production of "The Rescue of Jessica Lynch" possible was recently in the United States.

Jessica Lynch, having her priorities in order, was unable to meet with him due to the demands of her book/movie-of-the-week/possible-future-governor-of-California plans.

Now, I have made no secret of the fact that I'd love to do up Ms. Lynch. At the same time, I've related my feelings of guilt over this desire, and the latter has, of course, stoked the former even more.

But this guilt is vanishing with every nugget I read about Ms. Lynch. It started with the news that this rescue was... Shall we say, "real" in a way sharing much in common with the new, TV definition of "reality"?

Now, of course, the fantasy is not quite as "hot" because... Well, it's more socially acceptable to film "mental porn" over a media-feeding opportunist than it is a sweet little rescued princess.

At the same time, though, the real facts in the case portray it as slightly more likely that I could, in fact, do up Ms. Lynch.

If her Iraqi savior were in town and she needed 15 minutes of scheduling to avoid him, for instance.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2003:

A man dropped his cell in the toilet

reached down, unphased that he did soil it

and stuck his arm in--

thought gives me a grin

and I think a punchline would spoil it.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2003:

A survey was done, querying citizens of the European Union member states for their opinion on which nations represented the greatest threat to world peace.

The winner?

Iran? North Korean?

Nope. Israel.

Strange. Especially considering all the pro-Israel "media bias"...

Another study in the news finds that 25 percent of Web logs are not updated past the first entry.

Approximately a third fall off after a month.

How rare a little gem this DL thing is, huh?...

I was thinking about the numbskull who dropped his cell phone in the train toilet, got his arm caught trying to fish it out and threw a monkey wrench into public transportation for the Great New York area in the process.

A scene from "Trainspotting" came to mind, wherein a heroin addict went into a toilet to retrieve... I think it was drugs, or paraphernalia, as the scene was bolstering the film's contention that, well, heroin addiction is ugly.

And then I thought: Does this constitute evidence of a societal cell phone "problem"? Might we see a "War on Cell Phones"?

Oh, of course not, but the all-too-brief fantasy was nice.

Then I started thinking: If some careless e-pundit like myself labels cell phone use as an "addiction," however whimsically meant, could that spur some lawyers somewhere to, er--forget about this whole train of thought...

P.S. Forgot to mention this for the Halloween season, but here goes:

Thanks, lawyers, for completely ruining the idea of a spook house...

The Chicago Sun-Times, and perhaps some coalition of advertisers, is sponsoring a "People's Choice" awards for advertisements, in which we're all invited to vote.

My vote is for the latest Marlboro TV ad.

What? Yes, I know they aren't allowed to do TV ads and, thus, the ad never existed.

That's why it's my favorite...

So, following this line of logic, when are the People's Choice Spam and Telemarketing awards?...

I keep reading about how Americans have gravitated into "healthy trends" in food, etc.

This happens every five years or so.

We've been growing fatter and fatter for the last 50 years or so.

Trends may come and go but ugly stands the test of time...

(Sorry, I couldn't come up with a better, more clever capper to that one)...

And now for a (possible) new feature: Straight Eye for the Moron.

Saw a woman today wearing cow print sweatpants.

And she was... Large, we'll say.

Evidently, she's completely given up on the healthy trends...

How come there are no "X" or "XX" movies?...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Entities) for No Real Good Reason:

H.E. Butt Grocery Company.

The owner is a bum.

And:

John and Lucia Mudd.

Their name is... dirt.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2003:

Politicians, all "tough on crime"

'bout sex offenders, like to whine.

Online registries?

Why'd they let 'em free?

'Cause jails are for nonviolent crime.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2003:

If we had some sort of DL/S&Y awards, one would be going out to Ringling Bros.

Okay, maybe not. I hesitate to commend any entity that has friendly dealings with clowns.

But, rather than hem and haw and sheepishly defend themselves, these circus folk have taken on PETA by issuing their press releases FIRST (as opposed to just answering the nutrods' press when it hits), accusing the fruitcakes of using "emotional rhetoric" and "telling people what they should eat, do and wear."

Which is unlike even our presidential candidates, who feel they have to defend themselves against clueless "Rock the Vote" attendees who question stuff like hunting excursions.

Perhaps we need a clown in the White House!

I know, I know. I mean a LITERAL clown...

So, Kobe Bryant is now getting boos in just about every basketball court in the nation.

Except in Southern California.

Which would seem normal, with SoCal housing his team and all, except, considering recent events, reading about the phenomenon has me wondering when they'll elect Kobe to some office. Arnold was elected, and the allegations against him include grabbin' tittie like a kid grabs candy under a broken piñata, so the logical next step would be...

I'm occasionally monitoring the programming on Spike TV, because Spike TV has declared itself the "men's network" and, well, I'm a man.

Noted that tonight, they're showing "Cheers."

Well, I guess Sam is a man's man. But... Well, they're also showing "Blind Date."

Men... Date, I suppose. And... I don't get it.

But at least we have a new network showing reruns of network shows and "reality" fare. Lord know, in this climate of Ultimate Media Diversity, we need channels filling this sorely wanting niche...

At my part-time grant writing job today, the City of Chicago's Web site instructed me to make sure and check the "grammer" on our submission...

I read today about an experimental method of injecting "good" cholesterol into people to counteract the bad cholesterol.

And it got me to wondering: If we ever cure cholesterol, or cirrhosis of the liver, or lung cancer, or what have you, will the do-gooders dedicating so much time and effort to how other people live their lives be able to stop? Or will they start inventing things to reintroduce cholesterol, cirrhosis of the liver, lung cancer, or what have you?...

I saw an opinion piece in the newspaper today by a woman furious that reality TV promotes the "premise" that women will backstab and get all catty when competing for something.

I'm no "reality" fan, as you may have noted. And, given, it's tough to judge "regular" folks based on the pathetic sacks of shit with legs who go on "reality" shows, but there are enough of them at this point that you can make broad generalizations (nice accidental pun, huh?). And I've seen enough bits and pieces, from both sides--men competing for a chick, chicks competing for a man--to say, well, TV producers didn't just invent this "premise"...

I was fantasizing about a woman I came across in my daily travels today. I don't normally notice hair, but she had big hair, a little frizzy with a few braids in it.

I briefly imagined, in my sick little make-believe world, asking if I could just mount her hair, if nothing else--she could just go about what she's doing; hardly notice that I'm there.

And the question struck me: Did the '80s foster any big hair fetishists?...

(I know, a quick Internet check could easily answer that question, but this was an isolated incident; I'm not into hair)...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Companies) for No Real Good Reason:

Siemens cell phones.

I won't try punning on this, as I've already said an earful.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2003:

We've problems using outrage properly.

Got all up in arms o'er "Ghettopoly"

but real FCC

bores society--

we're qui't on the real-life monopolies.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2003:

Howard Dean has apologized!

Unfortunately, he only did so for his remarks about courting "confederate flag bearing" voters in the South, and not for giving a big blow job (and swallow!) to the national marketing community by declaring himself "metrosexual" so, of course, my endorsement against voting for him still stands...

Now, that nutty Royal Family butler's shenanigans has led to the revelation that Diana had a brief affair with Bryan Adams.

She easily could have rode the ol' love horse of most any musician in the world--hell, most any man in the world, with me being one exception (I'm not into the inbred look).

More evidence that, not only do they need to cut-off Britain's biggest welfare recipient, but they really, really need to expand that gene pool the Royals are swimmin' in...

A bunch of women's groups are throwin' hissy fits because Wal-Mart sold "Mail Order Bride" costumes for Halloween.

(They protest Wal-Mart, and not any other stores because... I don't know. There's some busybody, do-gooder bible somewhere that says they have to, I guess. Or perhaps they think "Why bother with companies that are too far gone, with policies that don't bust unions and such?")

(Huh?)

Sense of humor is SOOO last century...

Nestle has a new candy bar called "Drifter."

More proof that marketing is a crucial American industry.

Perhaps they'll sell these right by the "Blind Date in a Forest Preserve Fruit Chews"...

Modern Hollywood is making such great strides toward efficiency.

In decades past, TV producers stocked sitcoms and other comedies with joke after joke. How wasteful.

Now, as witness by shows like "Average Joe," it's acceptable to take something that might be a five-minute "Candid Camera" segment and extend it over weeks!...

 

You know how we live in a "representative," that is, not 100 percent, democracy, under a system of "predominant," but not full, capitalism? You see, we have anti-trust laws, socialist-derived programs, etc., etc. We discovered long ago that pure forms of these philosophies don't work so well. Except, of course, where certain special interests are concerned, and it's always a constant battle and... Ahem.

Well, I've reached a conclusion: Justice does not work under a capitalist system.

O.J. Simpson. The "New Reefer Madness." The idea of personal responsibility dead. I could go on, and on, and on, filling a few Stephen King series-sized editions.

Think on that for a while, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Mary Sass.

She's rather... Mary-y.

Huh?

And:

Heather Hug.

I'd like to give her a big...

And:

Susan Bee.

An artist. And she's generating a lot of buzz.

And:

Ursula Damm.

Who? Careful--we're in mixed company! Ursula DARN.

And:

Erin McClam.

At last! A woman who won't assault me with chatter after a long, hard day!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2003:

In some ways, the old folks we coddle

as the public ages full-throttle

but our girlie hungers

just grow ever younger--

they've signed a 14-year-old model!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2003:

I read some advance reviews and it looks like both movies-of-the-week-torn-from-the-headlines features airing this weekend are pretty lousy. They both avoid any controversial aspects of their respective stories.

Lynch. Smart. You knew they were comin'.

But since they're one shot deals, and aren't relying on quality (or whatever it is that network shows have that keep them on the air), why does a movie-of-the-week-torn-from-the-headlines even have to be good?

Exactly.

Although I lose more hope on a daily basis, things also make more sense on a daily basis, which kinda, sorta makes up for the former...

I also read today that Congress had its highest public approval rating--more than 80 percent--just after 9/11.

So, you could say it's in government's best interest to let the terror attacks fly.

Congress is investigating 9/11, you may recall.

On a daily basis, my friends...

Robert Kjellander is a big-time businessman who, through a complicated money trail, has given boku dollars to President Bush.

And also to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Who, by the way, is a Democrat.

"Divide and Conquer" is an ancient maxim still used by government to bugger the public unlubricated.

This is your brain. This is your brain on conservatism/ liberalism/ Democratism/ Republicanism./ Potatoism/ Potahtoism...

I also read today that U.S. corporate executives have been taking out full-page, "stay the course in Iraq" ads in publications like the New York Times.

For those who are still a bit confused as to who really runs the U.S...

What the hell is with those take-out pepper packets?

The salt packets are more than adequate. But are there people out there with a taste for pepper on their meal--but no more than three or four flakes?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

(Or, perhaps today's should be "Cringing in Fear at Strangers for No Real Good Reason.")

Cheryl Rampage.

She's been known to get a little snipey.

No, I didn't mean "snippy."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2003:

A flick's sold by some guy quite whore-y

of Paris Hilton, in full glory!

Buck nude--doin' the nasty!

Fin'ly, at long last-y:

a don't-miss "True Hollywood Story."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2003:

Denver's Simone Holcomb is amid a strange custody battle involving seven kids, some of them steps, and... Well, the details don't matter so much.

Problem is, Holcomb is also a member of the U.S. armed services and her scheduled return to Iraq presents problems, chief among them the fact that she'll likely lose a few of the individual custody skirmishes when she goes back to duty.

So she's going AWOL. And the media and all these women's groups are presenting her as a hero.

Heroic AWOL, of course, is a fine thing to be trumpeting in modern America.

Plus, I mean, c'mon! Who'd ever think that, in joining the armed services, one would actually end up in a war!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2003:

A gay rising actor named Buddy

'round the lead, would just turn to putty.

So this hot young plugger

was quite often buggered--

there's truth in the term "UNDERstudy."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2003:

First, there was word that the Pentagon wasn't exactly straightforward about events surrounding the Jessica Lynch rescue.

Then word came out that medical "experts" believed Lynch had been sexually assaulted.

Now, other medical experts who treated Lynch claim there is no evidence of said sexual assault(s).

So, perhaps her book and movie should have been of the "choose your own adventure" variety...

A New Hampshire court, tackling an ugly divorce proceeding, has decided that lesbian sex isn't adultery.

I need more information to figure out whether or not I agree.

For instance: Was the husband invited into the fray--or at least invited to watch?...

Kudos to Chicago's mayor Richard M. Daley's for upping the city vehicle sticker tax to $90--for SUVs only. And don't complain, SUV drivers--it's still less than what you'd rightfully pay if calculated by the number of parking spaces you take up with those consumer tanks.

Keep your SUVs in the suburbs. It's closer to Chili's, anyway.

As long as we're all getting nailed extra for "vices," it's time that an SUV was treated as one.

Okay, one in a thousand SUV owners actually use the attributes that come only with an SUV.

Overall, though, this is a great trend. I'm just hoping that bin Laden starts sending new SUV owners thank-you cards for funding terrorism far beyond any drug purchase possibly could...

Poland Spring has been busted for selling bottled water that wasn't exactly from the springs it said it used.

Of course, if it wasn't for the fact that the bottled-water craze, perhaps the greatest marketing scam in history, akin to selling sand in a desert, is only scamming morons, I might care. Then again, it's odd that this hasn't been pursued, as we're mostly interested in protecting morons with most government investigations.

But, as far as I'm concerned, let the knuckleheads buy their secluded "spring" water from some guy in Jersey's tap. Moronity is a cornerstone of our economy...

The recording industry is going down the tubes fast.

They'll tell you it's because of downloading, but it's really because the industry is too corporate to produce anything decent.

So in order to "rectify" things, Sony and Bertelsmann have merged their music operations, meaning two companies own more than 50 percent of assets in a $31 billion industry.

So, let's review: The music industry is swirling down the toilet because two few companies produce the same, bland kind of crap over and over again under various, meaningless genre labels.

So, to rectify this, they consolidate the industry even more, ensuring that things just keep getting blander.

It's this kind of thinking that's allegedly "pulling us out" of the economic downturn...

It's that time of the year again! Time to repeat my Thanksgiving Maxim, which also goes for any sort of dinner party:

Do not, I repeat, do not cater to vegetarians!

Some will argue that it's mainstream enough now to deserve accommodation. But we have to draw the line somewhere. I had a nutrod veggie girlfriend once and my grandma freaked trying to figure out what to feed her.

Granny's reaction is normal, well-adjusted, and the same reaction we all should be giving these kooks.

Show up for Thanksgiving and tell me you only eat broasted, rare Wildebeest from a certain plain in Africa, you're out of luck. By the same token, show up and say you don't eat meat and... Well, there are cranberries and mashed potatoes. Knock yourself out, fruitcake...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Murder suspect Reginald Riddle.

I'd ask him to comment on this story, but he's busy, being all wrapped up in an enigma and such.

Sunday Story Time: Pink Floyd v. Dave Matthews.

I know, the title connotes a battle on the level of Mike Tyson v. Alan Greenspan, but that's the gist of the tale.

College students, and college-age non-students, need an appropriate stoner band to provide the musical backdrop for their finding themselves and losing braincells.

For me, and the mini-generations before and after, that band was Pink Floyd. And Pink Floyd will serve that function for many generations to come, but it's also helpful to have a current stoner band of their own.

I found out that slightly later mini-generations, including my wife's (she's only five years younger than me), looked to the Dave Matthews band to fill this role.

And it's no fluke. I assumed that my wife and her friends must had somehow entered some bizarre, parallel music world briefly and ended up cursed (or something), but others have confirmed: Many looked to Dave Matthews to fill the stoner band void.

Now, Dave Matthews is okay. Talented. Has some good music.

But being placed in the same category as Pink Floyd?

I suppose that, if you look at the larger picture, before Pink Floyd, hipsters tilted the bong to the Grateful Dead who, I believe, never properly learned to tune their instruments and seemed vastly over-rated as a stoner band anyway... So maybe Pink Floyd was the fluke. Maybe I, and those my age, were just lucky.

I pity these slightly younger folks.

But it'll be easier for them to make the transition from idealistic hippie to flaming, shameless yuppies.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/9/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Simply accidental

I taste cigarettes,

the weight of one now,

though I haven't smoked

in a month and a half.

My eyes brim with images,

smoke trails of you.

I haven't been reminded

for three years or more.

If you brushed against me

in an aisle of the train,

I'd be unable to place

the action to you.

I wouldn't turn to see

who'd touched me in passing --

long forgotten your grip --

simply accidental.

And if you spoke up,

the train would tear down

the mistake of your careful,

mischosen words.

Riding out time,

station to station,

floating across

a mute cityscape.

Then under the shadow

of a brick building

outlaying the outskirts,

you would recede.

Escaping the city,

I'm watching you leave.

I look for a smoke

though my pockets are empty.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2003:

Our efforts on Iraqi soil

sure bury our Afghan turmoil!

We'd wrap up the drama

and catch damn Osama

if the Taliban had some oil!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2003:

It seems that various states across our fine country are deciding that, since their budgets are screwed, they'll drop their presidential primaries.

Call me old-fashioned, but I was under the impression that, oh, things like running elections were primary duties of government.

Evidently, they're not so important--in fact, one of the first things to go during budget troubles.

Not as important as, say, horribly failing, multi-million-dollar programs to prosecute victimless crimes and help protect people from themselves...

Some Hungarian activist, instrumental in bring down the Communist state there, was in town. I'd print his name but I forgot to jot it down, and you'd probably only skip over the unwieldy, vowel-deficient name in your reading, anyway.

But this guy credited American rock music, primarily "classic rock," as a major influence on the movement.

Call me a cynic, but I can't imagine, 15 years down the line, an activist who helped bring freedom to, say, Saudi Arabia crediting such hard-hitting, politically insightful American music as Britney Spears and Good Charlotte...

Porsche actually has a car called the "Porshe 911."

Does anybody out there, other than people in the strange parallel universe known as "marketing," upon hearing "911" think of the emergency phone number anymore?...

I noticed in my Yellow Pages, or Yellow Book, or whatever the hell it is now, that it contains a listing section titled "Chicken Dinners." Underneath, it tells the reader to "See RESTAURANTS."

There is no heading for "chicken." And I didn't find listings for, oh, "Pork Dinners" or "Beef Dinners" or any other sort of dinners, although I naturally didn't scour every category.

Evidently, though, a lot of people pick up the phone book and assume there will be a category for "Chicken Dinners"

Who the hell would... Ah! Porsche marketing folks?...

Also figured out this weekend that Carmex (brand lip balm, or whatever they call it) tastes like Play-Dough...

Having neighbors, I've recently learned that some people actually LISTEN to club music.

Do they dance to books on tape?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Jerry Kill.

People are dyin' to meet him.

(Sorry for taking you back to your pull-your-finger uncle's bad holiday jokes.)

And:

Carl Kock.

He's got balls.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/10/2003:

> Dave Matthews over Pink Floyd?!?!?!

>

> Set the controls for the heart of the dumb.

Shh! You might be screwing up some future unsuccessful democracy activist's bong experience!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2003:

Of Jess Simpson, Hollywood's fond.

Execs want to take her beyond--

to network, from MTV

finding, what, a scarcity

of humorously dumb hot blondes?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2003:

I was wrong, with all my fun-making at the expense of the Chicago "Humanities" Festival.

I now know what a crucial role humanities play in a free society.

I happened to read of one CHF event titled, "The Disappearing Marshes of Iraq."

Okay, everybody! Stop the war stuff. Halt the suicide bombings. Forget about your starvation, unemployment, lack of basic services, yadda yadda yadda... WE'VE GOT FREAKIN' MARSHES TO SAVE!...

NBC toadball... Er, exec Jeff Gaspin, on the fact that their crappy movie-of-the-week-torn-from-the-headlines, on Jessica Lynch, was beaten in the ratings game by the OTHER crappy movie-of-the-week-torn-from-the-headlines, although NBC did win in the 18-49 year-old market: "We won the 18-49 market, which is all we care about."

Do you recall a recent story about Chicago's recently re-done Soldier Field, where a PR schmo trumpeted the scary movies shown there for Halloween as a way for those who can't afford to see football games to enjoy the stadium? How I heralded that as the birth of an Age of Utter Cynicism in which those in power who previously hid their bad intentions, however feebly, now just cop to it as the public is too jaded to even fuckin' care anymore?

Well, ain't I the little Nostradamus...

(Meaning I'm some guy for whom one out of 25 of his predictions come true, landing a post-life reputation as some sort of mystic)...

Speaking of the Nielsen (SIC) ratings--you know, the system used to rate the viewing habits of 260 million people through 100 boxes placed in random homes, all of which are well aware of the box's presence--uh, why?

Well, I'm sure those 100 boxes are in the homes of 18-49 year-olds...

I found myself sort of, or at least making my best effort, to hum the new McDonald's, er, "jingle," or whatever it is, which I have bashed recently as horribly un-catchy.

And I discovered: Anything is catchy if you can afford to play it for the masses EVERY FREAKIN' FIFTEEN MINUTES!...

The scene: A bathroom. A man is sitting on the toilet, grunting and making all sorts of obscene ass noises.

A woman enters. "Whew! Christ, honey!" she says. "What the hell did YOU eat for lunch?"

The man just makes more obscene noises.

Woman exits. Man makes more noise, more grunts. Woman returns quickly, holding small package, clothespin clamped on her nose. "What you need," she says. "Is this."

The man glances at package. "BRAND G?"

"Yes," she answers. "BRAND G. Now hurry up and take some. I need to get into this bathroom at SOME point tonight."

Ahem.

Well, as long as it's acceptable to air commercials for diarrhea medicine, I thought somebody may as well write a realistic one...

A realistic diarrhea commercial

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Rose Schlocker.

Not sure what she does for a living, but guessing it has to do with "reality" TV and/or Hollywood sequel writing.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2003:

Three words tell a guy a flick's cheesy:

"Starring Hugh Grant"--see, it's quite easy.

Unless you've a copy

of Hugh getting' a sloppy

knob wash from that 'ho good 'n' sleazy.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2003:

The news is out that Iran has been lying about its nuclear ambitions for at least 18 years.

Which also means that, of our appointed "Axis of Evil," we've only attacked the one Evil Nation that DOESN'T have weapons of mass destruction...

I was reading a story about the Chicago Fire today--no, not the one allegedly started by Mrs. O'Leary's cow; the soccer team with, like, four fans--and how the team is likely to win another championship soon and is beyond a doubt Chicago's greatest sports franchise today.

And I pondered the bore-inducing nature of soccer while simultaneously pondering the strange U.S./Europe difference in attitudes toward the game.

And then it struck me:

Europeans are bored by soccer, too. They just don't like to admit it.

If they really enjoyed soccer, they wouldn't take such drastic boredom-reduction measures as rioting.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2003:

Whe'er pure truth, or gov'ment contrived it

the ordeal, young Jess Lynch survived it.

Now, nude pics have surfaced

but Hustler's too nervous

so we won't see the private's privates.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2003:

Maybe Larry Flynt should send those pics over to that Iraqi. You know, the one passed on word of her whereabouts to U.S. troups? YOU know--the one who she's oh-so-thankful for, but not thankful enough to interrupt her money-making book tour to meet with when he visited the U.S. recently?...

By the way, aren't there ALWAYS nude pictures? Is there some law I'm not aware of that states any woman with a hair's chance of attaining fame has to pose for some pictures or videotape sex, so that the items fall into the hands of Guccioni (SIC?), Flynt, Hefner or some "adult" video character?...

U.S. rep (Neb.) and former college football coach is one of the morons pushing to ban beer commercials from college football games.

Because, of course, college kids won't know about beer if there aren't any commercials, silly. They did the same thing with hard liquor and college kids don't know about that anymore!

Without beer commercials, will money exist to keep college football televised anyway?...

Richard Gephardt, Grand Pooba of Moronity and "metrosexual" Howard Dean and Dennis Kucinich are three prominent Democrats now on board the movement to add an anti-flag burning amendment to the Constitution.

My, my, my! I just found more fuel yesterday for my theory of The Age of Such Cynicism That Those in Power Don't Even Bother Faking Good Intentions anymore, and now the politicians are bolstering my theory.

(By the way, I need a catchier name for this theory, I realize.)

It's not even worth it to pretend the Democrats and Republicans are much different anymore!...

I read today about the new phenomenon of "bluejacking."

Computers, cell phones and the like utilize "blue tooth" technology to communicate wirelessly.

Now, and it's mostly with cell phones, people are throwing out messages to all blue tooth activated devices within range. Right now, it appears to be mostly silly, prankish stuff.

But this world is full of marketing folks, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

And it's only a matter of time.

Spam? Telemarketing? You ain't seen nothing yet.

This time, it's comin' for those who yap incessantly on their cell phones.

Long-time readers know that I've been going back and forth with the "God Exists/God is Dead" idea...

Speaking of good news, I witnessed a United Church of Christ ad in my local weekly, "alternative" paper. It was all "hip" and "cutting edge" in the way they tied modern events into the 10 Commandments and took a few pot shots at those in power.

And yet, well, this IS organized religion we're talking about. They blathered on about "false idols" and "the Sabbath day" and "coveting" this and that, too--issues of prime importance, of course, in a modern world chock full of terrorism, nuclear bombs and race-threatening diseases.

So, they need to ADVERTISE now? Are we, in fact, moving into a new century? The 17th Century, when organized religion should have bit the dust?

Or, well, maybe this isn't under the "good news" heading. Because maybe a merger of religions, spam and telemarketing is just around the corner.

I, personally, recommend that they start bluejacking...

Headline writers worldwide, take note:

For stories that have anything to do with poetry, the terms "Poetry in motion" and, while we're at it, "For Better or Verse," are now off limits. Well, they were off limits about 20 years ago, but I have no time machine. (And if I did... Well, shudder on that a bit.)

Please, please, PLEASE...

Picked up a "Family Size" frozen pizza at the store today because the brand's large leaves me a teeny bit hungry afterward.

"Family Size," my ass.

Unless it's a family of hamsters...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Delhi politician Sheila Dikshit.

Like any good politician, into sodomizing the electorate, I'm sure.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2003:

Seeking pics of the Olson Twins

("legit" ones--so wipe off those grins)

found all you can get

on the Internet

are nudes with the Twins pasted in!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2003:

There's truth in today's limerick.

I did, indeed, go online seeking Olson Twins pics.

But it was for this one-shot comic I'm working on for a freelance thing. Although I was tempted at the Google-given links trumpeted their "topless" appearances--at least until I remembered that it would probably be some third-rate phony job looking much like a first draft of an old Spy magazine cover.

So what's everybody's opinion: Does limerick imitate reality, or does reality imitate limerick?...

In reading about the MLB steroid crackdown today, I learned that ballplayers will be sent to treatment for a first offense.

Now, treatment makes sense for the use of mind-altering drugs. Actually, treatment doesn't even make sense then, but that's a topic reserved for a cover story of mine that may or may not be published soon.

Then again, I don't know that much about steroids. Maybe a buzz comes with every millimeter of testicle shrinkage...

Word of advice to Warner Bros. Execs:

Keep the "stars" away from Looney Tunes characters.

Actually, given the current form of Warner Bros., just retire the Looney Tunes characters, for the love of Friz Freeling...

Read today in my "alternative-y" arts weekly about a media called "time arts."

Improv time travel? Painting clocks? Wasting audience members' time?

First mention I've seen. And, drat it all, they missed the humanities festival...

I learned today that public radio is now running shows examining religion.

You know, as a young pup, I gravitated once to a "liberal" label for many reasons, one biggie being the one-time aversion of liberalism to organized religion in opposition to conservatism's embracing of organized religion.

Gather round, kiddies, and grandpa will tell you a tale of a time when "liberal" and "conservative" were more than meaningless political marketing terms...

Do advice columnists get payoffs from some sort of secret Association of Support Groups money laundering conspiracy? Christ, you fart and an advice columnist recommends that you seek out a support group...

For whatever reason, there's a whole lot of JFK nostalgia going on lately.

Kinda makes you wonder if we're even capable anymore of producing a president that would actually cause a nation to grieve upon his assassination.

No, I take that back. I don't wonder. I know we wouldn't give a shit. Of course, the loss of a president wouldn't mean so much anyway, as the rest of his focus groups would be intact, and we live in a Focusgroupocracy, really.

But you have to realize that JFK is so revered for the same reason Lenny Bruce or Kurt Cobain is subject to reverence:

He died young. Didn't get a chance to really screw things up or get old and cheezy.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2003:

A man staged a horny attack

and ripped the shirt off a chick's back

just craving a look

and when he was booked

claimed he got the shirt "off the rack."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2003:

The Brookfield Zoo is the largest zoo in the Greater Chicago area.

The other day, a woman at the zoo jumped into a cage with a wolf; I believe to retrieve something.

The wolf bit the woman.

It was the typical butt-stupid woman jumps in with wolf, wolf bites butt-stupid woman story.

So officials are freaking out. I guess nobody has been bitten by an animal at Brookfield Zoo in some time.

So they shot the wolf.

Must've been a bad apple. I mean, what kind of carnivore bites a woman who invades its natural environment when its probably on a rather boring, predictable diet?

I don't think a shooting was necessary. But if, for whatever reason, the bureaucracy of Brookfield Zoo deemed a shooting necessary, I think they should have shot the woman. 

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2003:

Lawmakers are unduly doting

on drug prices, now so foreboding.

But why the strange focus

on non-hocus-pocus?

Seniors are the only ones voting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2003:

So the U.N. comes out with a report on Iran saying that, although the country hasn't been without nuclear mischief, they aren't boasting an actual nuclear weapons program and probably won't be anytime soon.

The U.S., however, is not taking the U.N. report seriously, still believing that Iran does in fact have a program going or in the works.

Considering recent events, you'd think that the rest of the world would finally admit that, when it comes to knowing which countries do and don't have weapons of mass destruction, nobody beats the U.S....

There's interesting new news on the Paris Hilton sex tape "news" story.

The Hilton family is suing, claiming that the guy (who's name I refuse to mention because he's simply the husband, or is it ex-husband, of a B-class actress--who, by the way, I'd love to do up--but is also an alleged "celebrity" only due to "reality" TV involvement) did the whole thing without Paris' consent.

The guy is offering his counterargument, including the fact that Paris allegedly preened and posed for the camera and that she answered her cell phone during the taping and... Hey!

The guy's admitting that, in the middle of filming a sex tape with a chick, she was decidedly un-turned-on enough to stop and ANSWER HER FUCKING CELL PHONE???

Case dismissed. If I'm throwin' out false evidence, I ain't pointing out that the chick took time to ANSWER HER FUCKING CELL PHONE while I'm bangin' her. Hell, I'd be explaining things in another way, "Well, her mother was practically on her death bed, but we were awaiting word forever, so we got drunk and made a sex tape to take our mind off our troubles, and I practically had to pry her off my Johnson to make her answer the phone..." Or something.

Nonetheless, I'm still dying to see this tape. To review it for you loyal Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, of course...

An affluent Chicago suburb is considering banning the use of cellular phones in parks.

Now if you're even occasionally read this crap I call an e-newsletter, you'd know that I'm not the biggest fan of rampant cell phone use. But, nonetheless, I don't think this is the type of thing our government should be dealing with.

Let's see... We've still got a shitty economy, despite the burgeoning "jobless recovery." About 99.9 percent of the rest of the world hates us and many of them are plotting to destroy us. Oh, and that AIDS thing isn't just magically going away.

Meanwhile, the strongest movement on American soil seeks to ensure that those middle-classed and higher are not even slightly annoyed in any way, shape or fashion on grounds public, private or secluded...

As not another lovely childhood memory is sodomized unlubricated before my eyes with a "Cat in the Hat" movie, I cannot help but be deeply offended that the United States Post Office shares in the marketing evil--so, in effect, the emotional anal rape is brought to me by the U.S. Government.

So, I'm offended. I'm reasonably educated and informed, I vote and I'm not frothing at the mouth, so who the hell cares if I'm offended?...

Is Alec Baldwin a professional "Saturday Night Live" host, or am I forgetting something he's done?

Oh, he's a former professional Kim Bassinger banger, I suppose.

But wasn't he supposed to have moved to Canada?...

There's always a new exercise or diet fad, but I am the only one who realizes that we've had foolproof methods of losing weight since the Middle Ages and before?...

Sunday Story Time: Dirty Filler

I've worked for quite a few newspapers in my time. And I'm the type of guy who's partial to dirty filler.

For instance, I was on a contract gig this week for a couple of days and I was involved in typing in and formatting some classified and informational sections. Following a common format for these listings, the first three or so words of the ads or nuggets I typed in were in bold type. There were also various heading for various , all in various point sizes and text formats and, like many, I find it easier to set up the formatting and then just type in ads.

So I set up a few phony ads to get the formatting correct, and they generally read something like, "JANE JOHNSON HAS A HOT ASS and I'd like a crack at it..." Dirty filler. (Names and exact wording has been changed to protect the unfortunately innocent, as well as the guilty, namely myself.)

I always scare myself by thinking, "What if I forget to kill one of these out, and nobody catches it?" But I continue working with dirty filler anyway.

There was a time at my college newspaper when, in throwing in phony headlines to get the point size right, one of these dirty fillers went to press: "Spank Me Like a Bad Puppy."

Perhaps the most pathetic part of the story is the fact that I was only subject to ridicule by the journalism department.

The students of the general "readership" (for lack of a much more accurate term) didn't appear to notice.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/16/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Form a figure

When I bump the door

the whole wall glances off me,

the windows made of cardboard holes.

When I shake a hand,

consummating business,

I watch him start to sweat his cue.

I come home to mail,

piled, color-coded scripts

that form a figure in the trash.

Someday I'll let go.

The steering wheel can drive itself

as I lay across the backseat

stock film playing fragile light

cars turning in black and white

upon the rear window.

Noticed that I'm stopped,

the projection will blink off.

Actors tapping at the door.

(the director bellows "Cut!"

A beat. He adds discerningly

"More, more, more, more, more!")

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/16/2003:

> Pretty good one. Is this limerick based on an actual news item?

I think this reader is referring to yesterday's limerick (out of luck--again--Sunday-only readers), but perhaps he means the Slappin' and Yappin' (in which case, again, Sunday-only readers... See the last parenthetical).

Slappin' and Yappin', of course, is a news source never to be doubted.

This particular limerick is not really based on news--with all the news-related ones lately, I can understand the confusion--and yet, I'm sure, if you went combing police files coast to coast... Well, haven't we ALL felt the urge?

A fine pair is a terrible thing to waste.

Tucked away so I can't see 'em, that is.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2003:

If Prince Charles is straight and vanilla

would he really have banged Camilla?

Most straights wouldn't fritter

their pick of the litter

away on that inbred gorilla.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2003:

I have a love-hate relationship with the French.

I don't think I need to fill you in on the "hate" side of the equation. You know the spiel (although it has nothing to do with "freedom fries" and that whole idiot fest).

But here's an example of why the "hate" side exists:

French wineries have launched a campaign urging winery tourists to go ahead and drink (as long as they don't get drunk).

It seems that the French government has enacted a major crackdown on drunken driving. People have reacted to the extent that wineries feel the pinch, as some forego even having the one or two glasses that would leave them still under the legal limit.

This campaign makes perfect sense. After all, the "war" is against drunken driving, not having a drink or two and then driving.

I would say that this is constitutes a good lesson for the balance-averse U.S., but I've given up on societal common sense on this side of the ocean...

I don't think we'll ever stop celebrating the life of Ann Landers--especially in Chicago.

But before revisionist history takes its ugly toll, let's review her real legacy: Providing answers that even a Segway buyer could provide to the questions of morons evidently lacking any friends, family or common sense...

Has anybody else noted that, when the former Palestine was under the control of Jordan, Egypt, etc., there was no fanatical movement to "bring back Palestine"?

Perhaps Jordanians and Egyptians just aren't as fun to kill as Jews are...

And has anybody else noted that religion has somehow become the only politically acceptable form of discrimination?

The basic premise of organized religion is, of course, we're right, everybody else is wrong...

By the way, I keep hearing over and over again that purchasing a home is an "investment." And, of course, it goes up in value, blah blah blah, as any investment does so, on that level, I suppose it's true.

But has anybody ever cashed in this "investment" and went homeless to pay for their kid's education?...

On the hells of learning of "sound art" recently, I read today about a genre known as "noise music."

Cool. So, when me and those three other guys were plodding away with our instruments in my folks' basement, hopelessly out of synch and out of key, we were actually legitimate artists!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Elizabeth Beer.

I think I've worn her patented goggles before.

And:

Gerald Zero.

I'd like to pun on this one but... I got zip. Nada. Zilch. A big goose egg.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2003:

They call it Viagra divorce--

it starts with the drug's horny force.

Wild sex is disparaged--

has no place in marriage

so fidelity veers off course.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2003:

A quote from Hillary Clinton on her Not Running For President Tour when it hit Chicago yesterday:

"This is the first time our leadership will leave our country worse off."

Perhaps she fudged the teleprompter readout, meaning to say her (non)presidency would be the FIRST leadership to leave us better off.

Governmental leadership has been leaving us worse off since, oh, 5000 B.C. or so...

Mickey Mouse turned 75 today!

The celebrations began much earlier, starting with the anal rape of copyright law, extending it just for Disney's benefit and to pretty much everybody else's detriment...

John Hinkley thinks he should be allowed to leave his state of constant medical supervision to do things unescorted.

Nutty, insane, afflicted with mental illness--however you want to put it, he still tried killing somebody.

We don't ask much from citizens to allow them freedom. Just, oh, not to kill, harm, rape or rob others.

He couldn't handle that.

So let him out of the hospital. If he'd prefer to live the rest of his life in prison...

In case you didn't catch this year's Simpsons Halloween special, there is a joke in which Homer, having killed the Grim Reaper, expresses that his biggest worry about a world lacking death is that they'll never be able to kill Jim Belushi's TV show, "Life According to Jim."

The Belushi show is still on.

You gotta figure that, even if you discard the critics, or the legions of intelligent TV viewers, when one of the funniest shows in TV history rips you, you'd consider throwing in the towel.

But there is no underestimating the stamina of Godawful TV...

I KNEW I had good reason to fear Bennigan's/Chili's/Etc.

Heard about the great Chi-Chi's-induced food poisoning?

My intuition is more useful that you'd initially think, no?...

I was thinking last night that maybe we should move the U.S. capitol to Las Vegas.

Then I remembered Bill Clinton...

Why do people say, although not so much anymore, "Delighted, I'm sure."

Is this a pleasant way of saying, "Good to meet you. I think. Unless you turn about to be just another moron, which this world seems to have too many."

If so, maybe it's high time to bring this back into circulation.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2003:

Though it gave his PR folks frowns

Mike Jackson wanted a new sound.

New single he's selling

was penned by R. Kelly

while the two were "kidding" around.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2003:

Steve Martin has been chosen to portray Inspector Clouseau in the upcoming "new" Pink Panther movies.

As long as we're stuck with primitive "obscenity" laws, I have some additions to suggest...

Some minorities are beginning to question the lack of minorities on the zillion shows like "The Bachelor"--and also the fact that, even when minorities are cast, they lose out in early rounds.

It's the newest civil rights trend, you know. Earning the right to make just as much of an ass of yourself as Whitey can...

A Gallup poll finds that 41 percent of adults identify themselves as "conservative," 39 percent as "moderate" and 19 percent as "liberal."

Since "moderate" implies avoiding any of the more "controversial" extremes of conservatism or liberalism--which are often the more intelligent philosophies--it's comforting to know that I'm officially still ANTI-partisan, which is a good deal different from NON-partisan.

Or does this make me an "extremist"? Not an extreme leftist or an extreme rightist--but "extreme moderate" doesn't make sense. So I guess I'm just "extreme"--and ready to be marketed to the coveted 18-35 demographic!...

Read today about a "drug diversion" program.

Is this another term for "drug treatment," or is this what I did in college to divert myself from studying?...

After reading yet another blathering about how the "sex professions" are "degrading" (although this argument was shot to hell back in the early '80s), here's my question:

Is it all that much worse to be physically degraded that it is to experience the emotional and intellectual rape of the office cubicle?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Karate instructor Jacinda Bullie.

I hear her rates are reasonable--the cost of a school lunch.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2003:

Folks bringing their children to Neverland

(to which good parents would say, "Never, man")

should lose their damn kids

for being stu-pid.

Mike Jackson and kids? Ain't too clever, man.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2003:

Legally, Michael Jackson is looking at 3-8 years for each count of child molestation.

Only 3-8 years?

Let that be a lesson to you whippersnappers out there:

Looking for some "forbidden fruit" kicks? Stay away from drugs if to avoid being put away for a long time. Instead, go molest a kid...

Speaking of molesting kids, I've been a fan of "News of the Weird" for some time. (Hold on a bit; the "speaking of" will be relevant, trust me.) ("News of the Weird," for those unknowing, is a weekly syndicated feature that runs in an "alternative" weekly publication in most cities I've visited.)

But I've noticed that my fandom has decreased over time. I still read it regularly, but I'm just not as excited about it as I used to be.

Part of the reason is that the regular news gets weirder and weirder all the time, I suppose. And, perhaps as testament to the popularity of NOTW, the regular news seems to be publishing more NOTW-esque nuggets these days. But after this week's installment, I'm wondering if Chuck Shepherd, the author of NOTW, is losing it.

This week brought us a nugget about a clown and Sunday-school teacher nabbed for child porn.

A more appropriate "News of the Weird" nugget would be about a clown who lived a long life, died and then had every aspect of his life inspected and analyzed by a team of detectives... Who then learned that, despite being a clown, they guy'd NEVER MOLESTED A CHILD...

When I sit down to pen S&Y, I open my notebook o' ideas and type in little for-my-own-use-only subheads, setting up all the topics so I can set aside the notebook and just write it all in one sitting.

The subhead typed in for the previous nugget was "clown porn."

Which frightened me.

I suppose there are two possible interpretations of the term. One could be porn FOR clowns, which loosely translates as "kiddie porn."

The other option is, well, too frightening to dwell on any longer...

I don't know about your state, but the Illinois commercials warning about Big Mother laws requiring seatbelts are suddenly "scary." They have a tone similar to those warning about drugs or drunken driving.

The War to Protect People From Themselves is kicking it up a notch...

Has anybody else noticed that commercials for films are utterly useless for the purpose of helping you decide whether or not the film in question is worth seeing? Unless, of course, you're one of those ridiculously common knuckleheads who likes pretty much anything that follows the Hollywood formula and features your favorite "star(s)," which of course, is the susceptible-to-persuasion idiot market they're shooting for...

Rick Garcia, a prominent gay rights activist in Chicago, frustrated at the Democrats in control of the state house who promised an anti-gay discrimination bill they are curiously avoiding, has announced that Democrats are perhaps worse than Republicans--because  at least the GOP is honest about the fact that they want no part of a gay rights bill.

Yay.

See, it's only through the public's realization of this--that the Democrats are just riding the "lesser of two evils" vote and are, in fact, getting more sinister by the day that we can expect to ever truly have more than one "party" to choose from.

So it's just baby steps, at this point, but I applaud it.

It starts with baby steps. Then there are more baby steps. Then there's an inevitable giant leap backwards but, hey, I'm trying to be semi-optimistic, anyway.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2003:

Sales of "Family Guy" DVDs

went so well, it's back on TV.

Once found it enlightening

but now it's just frightening--

those "Pow'r to the People" decrees.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2003:

Michael Jackson might finally go to jail for molesting one of the hundreds of kids he's undoubtedly molested over the years.

Rush Limbaugh could very well be doing some time for money laundering associated with his illegal drug use--as he's recommended for drug offenders all along.

As I've pointed out before, I go back and forth on the God question as news rolls in. But it's lookin' good, right now.

If only O.J. finds that "real murderer"...

As even more good news: The kid who came forth with the accusations against Wacko Jacko was subject to relentless teasing by fellow students on the playground over his visits to Neverland.

So when Michael's old and (temporarily?) out of prison, we may just see a generation of parents who'll stop sending kids to the Molesto-ranch!...

My Lord! The good news is plentiful today!

Remember when the "Joe Millionaire" promos were long and elaborate?

Now they're just briefly tacked on to other promos!

Ratings are awful.

Could it be that there's hope for us yet?

Well, glance at today's limerick.

Naw.

But there's a smidgeon less doom in the world.

Perhaps just a half-smidgeon...

Speaking of "reality" TV, now the TV listings refer to the "winner" chick of "The Bachelor" as the moron's "love interest."

Hmm. Wonder why they stopped calling the bimbos "fiancés"...

Well, you knew the good news had to stop, at some point.

McDonald's execs had the nerve to complain about the Oxford English Dictionary's inclusion of the term "McJob" as a legitimate word.

And now, the Moron Majority is sounding off.

There was a letter to the editor this week from a man whose son works at McDonald's for his first job.

He said words like "McJob" hurt his self-esteem and pride.

Soon, the First Amendment will be updated with the phrase, "as long as it doesn't upset anybody and make them go 'boo-hoo'"...

Speaking of McJobs, this isn't the newest story, but I was recently wondering:

Wal-Mart has been busted for employing scores of mistreated, illegal immigrant workers.

Considering that Wal-Mart's non-mistreated, officially American workers have non-union, minimum wage-or-close-to-it jobs... What the hell are they paying the illegals? And I shudder to think of how THEY are treated...

Star Jones has a whole line of shoes for Pay Less.

Pardon me while I go retch.

But I guess if you're just slightly overweight or smaller, those puppies are gonna hold up even if you tend to carry pianos around.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2003:

With jail time so close, we can taste it

Jacko's fam'ly calls it all racist!

For perverts, it's hard

and play'n the Race Card

is much easier than to face it.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2003:

We are about to see the "honeymoon pill" on the market.

It runs on a concept that has been around for decades. When a woman wants to forego her monthly visit, shall we say, for reasons which include the titular honeymoon (titular--he he), her doctor would have her take extra birth control pills. Now, all they're doing is streamlining an old process.

The situation, however, could easily ruin a honeymoon.

Have any of you dated/married/etc. a woman on birth control pills? Experienced the signature moods of the experience?

Suffice it to say that blocking egg cells is not the only reason The Pill works.

Tears, fights and sheer terror do not generally put one in the mood.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2003:

It's high time that Show Biz did stoop

to make live porn shows, ala Sloop's

grand plan, "Porn on Ice"

or, equally nice

an off-off Broadway "Spoo Man Group."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2003:

As the holidays are almost upon us (or well upon us and thrusting away, according to the damn marketing folks), I have a little advice for Slapper Grasshoppers before the Daily Limerick turns to all or mostly Christmas-themed limericks:

To best enjoy the season, make sure you keep any events out of your own home...

(Me and The Wife, or should I say The Wife with myself occasionally dragged in, are preparing for a Thanksgiving event in our home. Suffice it to say, no Christmas carol was written under these circumstances)...

And Sunday-only readers should note, I'm referring to this as the CHRISTMAS season. NOT the "holiday" season. If you're offended, well, fuck you I suppose...

I was reading yesterday about how Jennifer Aniston settled a lawsuit out of court involving a photographer who took and later published shots of her sunbathing topless and... Hold on!

There are photos out there of Jennifer Aniston topless?

Anybody out there have 'em? I'd like to see her "Friends"...

By the way, that also goes for the tape of Paris Hilton. No, that goes double for the tape of Paris Hilton...

(I know I could find all these things with effort and/or money but, hell, you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should be good for SOMETHING)...

ERECTION 2004 COVERAGE!!!...

(It's actually ELECTION 2004 coverage, but this fits into the general theme of things much more nicely, so that's what I'll be calling it)...

Unless something changes, Bush is set to win a second term.

That's not what I'm hoping for (unless, perhaps, he ends up against First Amendment-ignorant Joe Lieberman), I really think four more years of the monkey face is a horrible prospect, so don't harass the messenger but... Well, depending on who you are and what the nature of the harassment is, that's not necessarily an absolute... but anyway here's why:

Gore lost the last election because he's a dangerous idiot.

No, the election wasn't stolen, as convenient as that looks on picket signs and such. First of all, the election was as close as if two cars raced from New York to L.A. and the winner won by a three-mile or less margin--so if we recounted everywhere, the results could have went in any direction. Secondly, newspapers and other political organizations have done their own fantasy Florida recounts, taking into account many different variable including chads and dimples and such (and why doesn't the new Microsoft Word recognize "chads" at this point?) and results have went in both directions. Thirdly, I believe that the Supreme Court stopped the recount because the last election made us the laughing stock of the world and we could have went on counting and re-counting forever and NOT because it's partisan--if it's so Goddamned partisan, why has it issued rulings like the one against making sodomy illegal, for instance?

Gore distanced himself from Bill Clinton, THE MOST POPULAR U.S. PRESIDENT IN RECENT MEMORY, at the same time alienating much of the liberal base of his party by flirting with censorship-bordering remarks on Hollywood (to name one of a zillion issues), not to mention that the whole record-labeling thing by him and fat ol' Tipper years earlier--and shut up about Nader, while we're at it. If Gore and Company hadn't helped bring the Democratic party closer to the GOP than it has ever been in history, Bad-Suit Ralph wouldn't have been an issue. And other thing--it's ridiculous to say that Bush "bought" the election because, although in a way he did THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS WORKED. Gore was also born with a silver spoon in his mouth or, judging from his 2000 performance, a silver spoon in his ass.

Oh, how I've digressed. So here's why, unless major changes occur, the Dems are gonna fuck this one up, too:

At a panel of Democratic candidates on the new Medicare/Medicaid laws, hosted by the AARP, more than one Dem ripped into the AARP.

The American Association of Retired Persons, my friend. There is no demographic that bothers to take the time to vote more consistently.

There's a lot of unrest over the Iraq mess, the economy, alienating us on the world stage--in short, this is a golden opportunity for the Dems to get back in office.

But if political parties are baseball teams, the Democrats have become the Cubs...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Richard Speaker.

If he's married, I bet he's not Speaker of the House.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/23/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Young sweet trash

Your seas bind me to the floor,

licking salt into fresh wounds.

Breaking up on sharding stones,

pushing right through unscarred skin.

My heart is open, seeping out.

Beats against the warming blade.

Your tongue unwraps its tiny sounds,

chills me deeper to your shade.

Mauled by your finesse untouched,

crumbled, formless, wracked to heaps.

I'm weakened strangled young sweet trash.

Swallowed, stirred, and starved too lean.

What years will hold you in this tremble?

What hours cracked the broken beds?

I followed trails of your crumbed honey.

Trapped and oozing. Buzzing wings.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2003:

Under free speech, anything goes!

Pol bashing! Dissent! Lack of clothes!

This power we choose

to put to good use:

a zillion home dec'rating shows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2003:

Hilary Duff, as a spokeschick, of sorts, for the John Lennon Songwriting Contest, blathers in USA Weekend that we need more songwriters with a social conscience, ala Bob Dylan and Janis Joplin.

Next up: The producers of "Fear Factor" announce that there needs to be more creativity and intelligence on TV today...

By the way... John Lennon Songwriting Contest? Oh, yeah. Lennon would most certainly approve of using his name for an "American Idol"-esque treatment of songwriting as some sort of sporting event...

Speaking of our wonderfully socially conscious music industry, I actually heard "punk" music wafting out of the speakers at Home Despot this weekend. Followed by Celine Dion.

Kinda speaks for itself. But I'll continue the wave of sarcasm: Sid Vicious would undoubtedly approve of "punk" music wafting out along with the muzak in a creepy superstore...

Teaser headline from today's Chicago Sun-Times "Food" section:

"Eat Like Oprah."

Odd. But strangely refreshing, with all the hype about "fat free," "low carb" and, generally, "start-a-hopeless-trendy-diet-for-a-while-before-just-getting-freaking-fatter-there-America"...

American Express is running ads playing off the "fact" that use of its cards can be an anti-stress action.

After all, what brings more relaxation into one's life than a maxed out credit card or two...

There's a new book called, "Vegetarian Walt Disney World and Greater Orlando."

So, there IS in fact a hell--and it's right here on earth...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Hubert Barbee.

Has no balls. Or nipples, for that matter.

And:

Carolina Posse.

Look out, Tennessee!

And:

Edward Goings.

If he'd only go into porn, we might see a, "Cummings and Goings" DVD package.

And:

Florine Funke.

Bass just follows her around.

And:

Mary T. Bayer.

She's aspirin' to greatness.

And:

Peter Lippi.

Perhaps related to Mick Jagger...

A CORRECTION:

(And perhaps this undoubtedly sporadically continuing section needs a catchier name.)

I wrote a while back, when the Cubs botched the playoffs, which I perhaps Freudianly just misspelled as "playoofs," I wrote about how the Chicago Fire was winning the MLS championship at the same time and nobody was paying attention.

Well, the Fire just lost the MLS championship the other day.

So it was some other world soccer event that some go ga-ga over. But the general point I was trying to make stays the same.

(Leave it to DL to bring you a "corrections" section that avoids researching the particulars.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2003:

An old poultry fucker named Ben

banged a chicken, filmed it and then

served it up flambéed

for dinner suare

and dubbed it "flambéed pornish hen."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2003:

How do you spell "suare"? You know, pronounced "Swa-ray"? A party-type deal? Word is of no help. Which should go without saying...

Anyway, I don't have much to say today. That is, I have some things I am saving, for various reasons.

But here's a poem to feed your S&Y appetite. Think of it as an S&Y that rhymes:

"Reality" TV Eureka

I fin-ally

have fi-gured out

what re-ali-ty TV's about!

There's always the

anticipation

of a hot-sex-filled situation

which we don't see.

We just see "plot"

or what would be one, but is not.

And Godawful acting

and acting it is

despite assertions from show biz.

These folks have lived

such fake-ass lives

they MUST act-their "true selves" are jive.

They find it hard

to self-portray-

it comes off like some third grade play.

And though its popularity still has me quite perplexed

I have figured out just what it is: It's porn without the sex.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2003:

The U.S. Iraq occupation

seized TV channel in the nation.

Bush feels their Free Press

should start with no less

than an Iraq-style Fox News station.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2003:

A hubbub has emerged at the University of Chicago as some student groups are claiming that separate-sex washrooms are, er, sexist or offensive to some or something.

You know... Hmm.

If you think about it... Ahem.

Now I wonder if... Well, add this one to the list of things too ridiculous to lampoon...

A prediction: After seeing a newspaper story today about many Chicago restaurants going non-smoking as of late, you can see the next newsworthy event coming.

The Chicago City Council will go ahead and ban smoking in the remaining few restaurants to look like they had something to do with the healthy trend.

Taking credit for shit they had nothing to do with is what politicians do best. Hell, Bill Clinton's approval rating was dependent upon the technological renaissance that neither he, nor anybody else in government, had anything whatsoever to do with...

It's amusing, with the Secondhand Reefer Madness going on, to watch suburbs one-upping each other, as every day I read of how some Chicago 'burb is considering "The Toughest Smoking-Ban in the State."

And how else would a suburb one-up the other suburbs? Completely remodeling their Chili's?...

Speaking of the American Taliban movement, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg recently made a joke (or his best, focus-group attempt at one) about the New York Giants' cheerleaders.

The New York Giants don't have cheerleaders.

It's always nice when a politician can relate to the averages Joes...

I see that a late-night talk show listing for tonight promotes the appearance of "AUTHOR Madonna."

See today's first entry...

Saudi Prince Alwaweed bin Talal is reportedly financing Michael Jackson's legal battle. I guess they originally became an "item," of sorts, when they once planned to open some California theme parks.

Saudi money goes toward so many nice things...

"Plains, Trains and Automobiles" is playing on cable tonight.

It being Thanksgiving Eve, this seemingly makes sense.

But it's on the Family Channel.

Is this the first time a good movie's been on the Family Channel?...

Speaking of "Plains, Trains..." I once read a review that dubbed a scene, "homophobic."

The scene in question arises when the Steve Martin and John Candy characters are in bed together. Actually just sleeping together as the only available hotel room has but one bed.

Martin asks Candy where his "other hand" is. Candy replies, "Between two pillows." Martin they says, "Those aren't pillow!" and wacky antics of disgust ensue, including "manly talk," ala "How 'bout those Bears?"

I've said it before and I'll unfortunately say it many, many times again:

Humor is sooo last century...

More signs of doom:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, formerly a "Survivor" contestant, has landed a more-or-less legitimate entertainment job on "The View."

Hollywood doesn't just destroy culture. It makes sure to sow the seeds of continually crappier culture for generations to come...

Valentina Serati is a Chilean artist whose latest "exhibit" consists or her photographing museum visitors while she wears a bikini and high heels. It's some sort of "statement" about sexism and blah blah blah.

But I applaud it, nonetheless. Anything that gets women to wear bikinis and high heels in public can't be all bad...

A KKK member in Tennessee was injured when accidentally hit by a bullet fired into the air to scare a blindfolded, new initiate.

For those still believing that God doesn't have a sense of humor...

In Texas, a man was arrested smuggling boloney over the border. A huge mass of baloney--so big that it was hidden under a cloth to resemble the car's backseat.

No word on whether the contraband was bopped or un-bopped...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Mike Tardi.

Must be related to my wife's family, somehow.

And:

Caren Ex.

Take her, please.

And:

Robert L. Bowling.

Prefers the aisle seat.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/26/2003:

In answer to my question, how to properly spell "suare" <swa-ray>:

> Soiree.

>

> Gesundheit.

My, what a resource you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have become.

Ask you guys for something and you step right up to the base. One out of 50 times.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2003:

Holidays are here--and I'm glad.

(They start some months after the ads.)

One type to employ

for maximum joy:

Keep the damn fests out of YOUR pad.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2003:

Happy Thanksgiving!...

And Spanksgiving, if you're so inclined...

In reading the real story of the First Thanksgiving recently, I found out that historians are at odds about the actual meal.

But it was either pork, goose, venison and/or turkey.

I say we start serving all four, just in case. If nothing else, to REALLY piss PETA off...

I also read recently that 1 in 3 Americans order Thanksgiving dinner out.

Stop it, NOW! The move against wholesome tradition is alarming enough, but if word of this gets out, U.S. employers will start wondering if we really need that vacation day...

What DL/S&Y is thankful for:

Porn.

Chicago-style hot dogs.

Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Clams, oysters and mussels. Okay, scallops, too.

The fact that Paris Hilton is in a consumer-available porn, although I haven't seen it yet.

South Park.

Rush Limbaugh's possible arrest--in a state where they even arrested a presidential niece (it looks good for the old blowhard possibly having to... well, blow hard).

Oral sex.

Michael Jackson's arrest.

The fact that Jennifer Aniston's rack is out there somewhere, for public viewing, in tabloid pictures although, again, I haven't seen it yet. (Hint, again.)

Sprinkles.

And there's more. Much more. But this is a holiday and I'm not going to spend too much time with this list.

But... Did I mention porn?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2003:

Seen a children's Christmas recital?

Cheeziness and boredom unbridled?

'Magine you're not close

with a kid engrossed--

that's "Christmas, American Idol."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2003:

Once again, it's the kick-off of the Christmas Season--or what SHOULD be the kick-off, slimeball advertisers aside--as it's the day after Thanksgiving! Which means Christmas-themed limericks from here until Christmas Day! I think I screwed up once, but I've been putting off even commentary about Christmas-related doings until NOW...

You know, I'm sick of the every-year rantings and bullshit about how this is the "Season of Stress."

Don't like it? Tell everybody you won't be receiving gifts and vacation in some country that doesn't celebrate Christmas...

Speaking of the allegedly "stressful" times we're living in, imagine centuries past:

If you had trouble at your job (that is, working the farm), there was no unemployment or social services or statutory limits on when a landlord or bank could throw you out.

If work went bad, there was no food on the table for you and yours simply starved to death.

Nothing like the stress of today, I know, but...

And, by the way, although I've been known to get a little hard-line on folks Goin' Christmas before Thanksgiving (in some cases WAY before Thanksgiving), I've been noticing an alarming trend in the OTHER direction:

The Christmas Nazi.

It started a few years back when I was walking with a friend of mine and noted cynic, in early to mid December, when he remarked, "Damn. Christmas decorations already?"

Hmmm.

This week brought a column by the Chicago Sun-Times' Richard Roeper on the topic of early Christmasing wherein he actually sets a date--I believe he decreed Dec. 10.

Hey, I'm all for lashing out at those who start pre-Thanksgiving--and those who start pre-Halloween should simply be shot. But as a cynic myself, I'm deeply disturbed by the Christmas Nazi movement...

"American Idol Christmas." Tori Spelling as Scrooge. "John Tesh Christmas in Poisitan."

Who says Halloween is the scary holiday.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/28/2003:

> That list of what you're thankful for really warmed the cockles of my colon.

>

> Mike (off to Calgary!)

I'm learning, more and more, that warmed cockles in one's colon can really prepare you for just about anything.

But isn't it exciting that Mike, here--and, yes, it's THAT Mike, the Accursed Verse, er, CEO or something.

Somebody from Daily Limerick, charging into battle on horseback, his courage emboldened by the day's Slappin' and Yappin... Oh, that's CAVALRY.

In heading to CALGARY, I suppose it's good to have the cockles warmed. To have SOMETHING warmed, anyway.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2003:

To this day, they sing of Noel--

the masses--and angels, as well.

She made some impression

so here's what I'm guessin':

That dame worked a pole really well!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2003:

Set your VCRs!

"Secrets of Hollywood's Hottest Hunks" airs TONIGHT! On, why, of course, the Family Channel.

Huh? Shouldn't this be on "E!"?

I haven't seen the latest census, but perhaps a growing demographic includes families consisting of two gay dads and a tween girl or two.

In any event, good child-rearing includes instilling a sense of unthinking celebrity worship early.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2003:

Some argue whe'er Cold or Heat Miser

is better, more hip, more neat, wiser.

But some--those like me--

with porn 'neath the tree

have met their dark brother, Beat Miser.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2003:

ATTENTION SUNDAY-ONLY READERS:

DL/S&Y/LTTI and perhaps N.I.B. are all in Christmas mode! It begins the day after Thanksgiving and runs through Christmas--all Christmas-themed limericks!...

(And, again, if you're offended... Well, it ain't my problem. I'm offended that you're offended)...

By the way, considering we're in our fifth year of "service," approaching that five-year anniversary in July... I'm still looking for "Daily Limerick Memories" form all you slackin' losers... Er, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

With the holidays kicking into gear, and a party planned (by The Wife) for my pad on Friday, I got to thinking: I haven't TRULY enjoyed a party since college.

I don't know if that's the nature of the beast, the fact that I've had a lot of parties in my home (mostly booked by The Wife and, well, less than blissful with pre- and post-cleaning and crap) or the general nature of our rapidly Disneyfying society, what with a general smoking ban and more and more office parties going alcohol-free and such--or perhaps it's just a function of my point in life.

I suppose some of the allure of parties is lost simply because I'm married--that is, perhaps I never liked parties all THAT much but, well, the optimistic hope of getting' action put a shine on them. And perhaps it's because it truly was more fun to just hang around a bunch of recreating (mostly) strangers without discussions of jobs and avoiding all the "Keepin' Up With the Jonses" conversations but... Well, in any event, continuing my metamorphisis into the Complete Curmudgeon, I must make the broad, sweeping (and mopping!) statement that parties in general are, well, lame...

Another key factor, I suppose, is the fact that it's much easier to enjoy any situation or any company after a six-pack beer bong. I suppose people CAN approach an "adult" party as if it's a college party but, after a while, I imagine you'd feel a little dopey, chasin' a time that's come and gone.

But this does bring me to another theory: Most people really don't like other people; they need to alter their better judgment to enjoy themselves.

If it weren't for alcohol, few would chat it up at parties. They'd all be like me--I don't drink anymore because of past excessive dalliances--and they'd constantly monitor their watches, tough it out with lame small talk and constantly ask the question, "I wonder if it'd be rude to take off just yet?"

Nothing fosters love for one's neighbor like intoxication. Try it: Quit drinking and attempt to enjoy those conversations with Ed in Accounts Payable.

You'll remember me when Ed drives you halfway through the vodka bottle and into a bare-assed state on the copier...

Oh boy, is the Anti-Semitism Research Institute of Berlin in trouble!

The EU commissioned them to do a study on the rise of attacks against Jewish folks and interests in Europe. Their findings: Young Muslims are often responsible.

The study appears to be sound. There was no fuzzying of stats. No evidence of some anti-Islam agenda beforehand.

But the EU didn't want to present facts that weren't... Sensitive.

The Truth may set you free. But when it runs up against Political Correctism, it's gets you in a whole bunch of trouble...

"There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There's nothing good in war except its ending."

Anti-war groups are using this quote from Abraham Lincoln to bolster their cause.

Only problem is that Lincoln never said it.

An actor on "Star Trek" playing Lincoln DID say it, however, and, these days, I guess that's good enough...

Ex-Calif. Governor Gray Davis, of the "liberal" Democratic party--you know, all compassionate and such--pretty much didn't pardon anybody during his cut-off term in office.

Current "governor" Ah-nold, of the GOP--you know, the tough-on-crime party?--has already pardoned two murderers.

Republican, Democrat. Potato, potahto...

Jamie Masada, of L.A.'s world-famous "Laugh Factory" and key player responsible for the state of modern stand-up (that is, "Auditionland for Lame Sitcoms Wacky Neighborhs"), hosts an annual Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless and generally engages in a number of humanitarian efforts.

But he also referred Michael Jackson to the ill child now suing Michael Jackson for sexual molestation. Kinda like cheering up a sick hen by introducing her to the alligator cage at the zoo.

Just you wait. We'll connect the modern stand-up scene players to terrorism eventually...

Performance poetry is still referred to in media references as "performance poetry," by the way.

Just an observation...

A new video game called "Karaoke Revolution" helps turn your party into an "American Idol"-style karaoke contest.

So I guess my attitude toward parties isn't going to improve with time...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Anna Motel.

Sometimes, she wears her vacancy like a big ol' sign.

And:

Tamala Jones.

An actress I'm not familiar with. But as she's an actress, she is probably a hot Tamala.

And:

Bingol, Turkey.

Don't mention it around old folks. The prospect of having to win that extra letter could put church basements into a state of chaos.

And:

Kim Stroka.

Acceptable on her own in a pinch, but simple superb when combined with her friend Kim Sucka.

And:

Timex Xayaseang.

He takes a licking and... Well, he's really drunk right now. Normally it don't take so long...

Sunday Story Time: Marsha Brady's Swollen Nose

The Brady Bunch reference is common among those of my generation.

For instance, recently I witnessed a conversation in which one party was seeking a way out of an appointment and the other was offering suggestions. Whimsically, the counseling party said, "Tell 'em 'Something suddenly came up.'" Which provoked laughter as that's a line from a Brady Bunch episode in which Marsha has a big date with some football schmo but is nailed in the face with a brother-thrown football and the ensuing nose-swelling causes her to back-out of the date out of embarrassment. Her only excuse for blowing him off is, of course, "Something suddenly came up."

My mind was working on this one recently. As it so often does, without my full cooperation.

I used to want to do Marsha Brady SOOO bad as a whippersnapper. Well, I didn't exactly know what "do-ing" entailed for much of the crush, but I knew she had an effect on my Willie and I'm sure I would've figured something out. Something she may not have enjoyed. I imagine myself in such situation much like a small, horny god. And I wouldn't gladly took on her shin.

But I got to thinkin': I would've done her even WITH the swollen nose. I mean, what kinda guy makes a judgment on future possibly steady tail based on a temporary physical ugliness like a swollen nose?

Of course, the Brady Bunch writers weren't known for their insights into the human condition. And, well, they didn't like to present young boys as rarin' to do young girls, either.

But I would've done her, nose and all. Hell, I'd even have done her with a couple o' goiters or something!

The moral of the story, you might say, is immoral.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/30/2003:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Bitter almonds, bitter almonds

Bitter almonds, bitter almonds

sipped from cup. The world

breaks open. Its light clarifies

the ancient history of texture,

renouncement.

Who is this walking up the stairs

with a bundle of flowers

in her arms? Who is that

stepping along the curb,

spacing the balance,

enticing the road?

Bitter almonds, sipped.

They form a seal around the lips.

Long will not break till final breath.

The bubble goes, the scent

remains.

I read of crystals on the heart.

Purple as blood, fragile as insight.

I vase them around the apartment.

Little flowers poking heads

into the light

that breaks

with each sip.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

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In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

We'll probably keep on mutating from here!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

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If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's, e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2003 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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