Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's fifth year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a half-blown attempt at a blog and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event, you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, too, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have (The) DAILY LIMERICK!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2004:

Seems alleged "liberals" forget

ol' Muslim Law's sexist-ass plot.

Who cares 'bout the burqas--

U.S. went to work a'

destroyin' the "culture" they got!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 11 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

A bill in the Illinois House to allow illegal immigrants driver's licenses failed today.

I'm not going to register an opinion on it.

I will, however, point out a dose of moronity involved--as is always involved when you get a group of politicians together.

Those pushing for the bill were touting the "safety" aspects of the bill.

Uh-huh. I said, "safety?" myself. Then I read further.

It seems that, considering that many illegal immigrants are driving around the state anyway, prompting them to come in for driver's tests is believed by the bill-pushing crew of partisan morons to provide a measure of safety.

I trust that most readers have taken a written driving exam to obtain a driver's license before. With questions like, "When a child runs into the street in front of your car, do you a) speed up and run him/her over, b) steer off the road while slamming on your brakes and screaming, c) reduce speed and proceed with caution or d) turn on the windshield wipers."

Kinda makes you wonder, if fear of flying is so common, how does anybody manage to hit the road without cringing into a quaking, embryonic ball?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2004:

My read of my paper's "World" section

was long brief--'twas old predilection.

One day in September

(you just may remember)

changed that--now it gets close inspection.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 10 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Sloop Biederman is taking the day off...

(I always wanted to do that. So rack up another "Just Like the Big Boys" point for Daily Limerick!)...

Okay, I'll give you a little more for your "money" today, while still keeping this as one of the cheeziest S&Y's in S&Y history:

Saw an ad for "Cannabis Incense."

For those who wanna risk the bust without that pesky buzz.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2004:

A car maker has a new deal--

a free Dell to up its appeal!

But Dells aren't too steep

in fact, they're so cheap

think they now come in Happy Meals.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 9 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

I received a menu in the mail, through one of those "value pack" local coupon/menu mailings, for a Vietnamese restaurant called "Vien Dong."

He hee.

(Actually, there are funny marks around some of those letters but, due to some readers' problems with e-mail formats, I send these "text only," so you're gonna miss out on those funny marks. Ha ha.)

And I plan to order from the restaurant simply because it has the word "Dong" in their name. Well, I also happen to love Vietnamese food, but I also gotta respect any establishment that has "Dong" in its title.

It's a bit like the restaurant I chose to eat in when in New York's Chinatown, "The Big Wong."

He hee.

I think I've blathered about that experience in this space before. But it is a special story because, years later, I met a guy in Chicago whose work often took him to New York and he said he ate at The Big Wong, too--and partly because of the name!

Hey. Ya' gotta have principles.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2004:

After acting bug soothes the Rock

to politics, some say he'll flock.

And muscle-bound bad actors

(more properly, "hack-tors")

are bound to succeed, if a cock.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 8 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Muslim clerics in Fallujah, Iraq are condemning this week's mutilation of the bodies of four U.S. civilians. But they have not registered an opinion on the killings themselves.

Mutilation, of course, is just plain wrong. But, c'mon, killing is just clean, old-fashioned, family, religious fun...

The Ohio sniper has apparently been identified and I think the Press is being easy on the guy.

I'm not saying reporters should be going out of their way to drive home the "innocent until proven guilty" philosophy. I think they should be playing up the fact that he's a Supreme Loser.

Now, of course, anybody who decides that killing people is his best option for making a name for himself is a Loser. But this cat's a Supreme Loser because he's not even good at it!

That's right. He's only killed ONE person out of, what? A dozen attempts or so? This on top of the fact that he couldn't even come up with an original serial killin' angle. "Duh... Those Beltway Snipers seemed to make a name for themselves. I'll do that, too."

Oh, I'm sure there are fuddy-duddies out there who'll say that laughing at the guy would be taking the murder and attempted murders too lightly. But I think that the long-range goal of media coverage of folks like him should take into account the effect it has on future would-be serial killers. And if those nutloafs take into account the fact that, if they don't do a good job in their evil they'll be referred to as "bumbling serial killers" in headlines and such, maybe some of these folks will pick slightly less sinister means of making a name as a loser--like going on "American Idol" or something.

And, to paraphrase some parable or proverb or whatever-you-call-it, it doesn't matter if you're a king or a carpenter or even a serial killer. Just be the best damn king or carpenter or serial killer you can be...

A Chicago-area principal has been arrested for the possession of child pornography. Unfortunately, this is not a rare type of news story.

But what gets me is the local Spoken News Artists (TV TelePrompTer news readers) stressing the fact that the guy had "MORE THAN ONE HUNDRED IMAGES!!!"

Now, I'll go out on a limb, shock you all, and admit to possessing pornography myself. And, although I have some examples of porn catered to "specific tastes" myself, none of that is of the "kiddie porn" stripe. (And for the record, Mr. Ashcroft, none of it is illegal. For now, anyway, ya bastard.)

But "more than 100 images" is certainly not a shocking aspect of this case. You're only gonna find a guy with a dozen or so images of any kind of porn if he's just gotten a new computer or just discovered the Internet or something...

Seems there's a Royal Hubbub over the fact that England's Prince William is being photographed by the limey paparazzi.

Although my first instinct is to ignore the story, as the Royals have about as much legitimate newsworthiness as the average "reality" TV contestant, at the same time... Well:

Queenie, shut up you old bag! The public has a right to know and see your country's biggest welfare recipients!...

I am annoyed by The Rock. More so, even, than I am annoyed by the average, run-of-the-mill celebrity.

It starts with the fact that he's a pro "wrestler"--I think the job requirements for one are to be a) buff and b) annoying as all hell. It kicks up a notch with the fact that he goes by one name--and an especially stupid name, at that.

Then, every time he's on TV, whether in a movie trailer or on a talk show... Somehow, that "rockin'"--and I do mean "rockin'," as opposed to rockin'--music kicks in and... What's most disturbing is this:

I was also annoyed by another musclehead-turned-"actor" and he became, well... We're all doomed, really, let's leave it at that...

The Sun-Times publishes an advertising supplement disguised as a "special section" called "City Living."

On the cover of the latest installment is an "empty nest" couple who moved into a downtown condo after their kids left the home. This cover, of course, is used for the latest in-house ads featuring "City Living."

In yesterday's Sun-Times, the "empty nest" cover/ad was placed on a page in the sports section right next to the "massage" ads.

A form of "synergy," I guess...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

In my continuing commitment to render readers deathly afraid of voting for ANYBODY this coming November, we'll start by looking at the Democratic political shade of moronity today.

Illinois state representative Karen Yarbrough has sponsored a bill, which has passed in the state house, forcing retailers to hide cigarettes behind the counter or wherever so that minors don't see them and, despite the fact that minors can't buy them, and despite the fact that PSAs constantly run constituting a form of effective "forbidden fruit" advertising for the tobacco industry, this will somehow ensure that kids just won't know about cigarettes and will thus not smoke.

So, if the future ever brings us an age where everybody agrees on what's "indecent" and smoking ceases to exist, both political parties are gonna have a helluva time finding something to divert them from tackling issues of importance...

On a side note, during that particular Battle of the Morons in Illinois, an idiot of the OTHER partisan stripe called the whole thing hypocritical, citing the fact that many legislators light up in bathrooms and/or stairwells that are technically, under the law, "non-smoking" areas.

It IS a stressful duty, though, protecting other people from themselves...

Speaking of politicians demanding standards from the public that they themselves can't live up to, the Bush Administration wants to pump money into programs designed to promote marriage. Among heterosexuals, of course. And even homosexuals, provided they marry somebody of a sex they're not attracted to.

Politicians? The guys who... Well, you know.

Then again, there's precedent for this type of thing in society. For instance, who better to give anti-drug speeches to schools than somebody who ruined their lives using drugs...

Then there's the Republican/conservative philosophy of increasingly de-regulating the Media, which brings us Conglomerates like Comcast, which recently considered the idea of cutting off its Internet access subscribers who use their "unlimited" Internet access "too much," thus violating its "acceptable use" clause by apparently going beyond "unlimited access."

But, hey, the free market will reign in these abuses. Public outcry and government-hands-off competition will bring the lowest prices and most consumer-friendly corporate policies! Trust 'em!

And why should Comcast have to define "acceptable use" anyway? As the GOP'd-up FCC knows well, those pesky definitions just get in the way of the proper arbitrary enforcement of rules anyway...

Oh, and did you happen to notice that Zaqari, or Zawari, or whoever that "Iraq-based link to al-Qaida" is just so happened to briefly emerge as the "chief suspect organizer" of the Madrid bombings? For a day or two? And then you didn't hear about it anymore?

Somebody at the Bush Admin's PR Machine's way of regularly reminding us that, hey, there was at least a HINT of evidence that we actually had REASON to invade Iraq a year ago. Not that reason is necessary in things political...

And just to show you that DL/S&Y is not THE most meaningless source of election coverage, this was overheard on E!... Or was it VH-1? Does it even matter:

"If Jenna and Barbara were in charge, the White House would have a non-stop party."

Nobody, thus far, is demanding proof from this most respected of news sources, however, despite its startling assertion that, were two twenty-something girls in charge rather than a fifty-something (or is it sixty-something?) couple, things would be different...

Laughing at Strangers For No Real Good Reason:

"American Idol" contestant William Hung.

If I were hung with a capital "H," I don't think I'd feel the need to become an American Future Trivia Question Answer in order to prove myself...

Sunday Story Time: Little Women

Mattel is coming out with a "Daphne Barbie." That is, a Barbie doll modeled after the Scooby Doo character.

Since this is happening at a time for the new release to benefit from the Scooby-related publicity of the Godawful movies, you could say there's a Barbie sort of modeled after Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Hmm. Sarah Michelle Gellar... Ahem.

Well, at the very least, you can say that this Barbie exudes secondhand Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Which, I decided, is possibly as close as I can expect to get to having my own Sarah Michelle Gellar. In the palm of my hand. Moo-ha-ha-ha!

Ahem.

(By the way, an S&Y nugget using more than one "ahem" is... Quite an S&Y. Leave it at that.)

All of this reminded me of a nutty fantasy I had as a child, and I don't know why I'm airing this publicly (if you can call you screwtoads a form of "public"), in which I was somehow able to shrink people down to a, say... Well, a Barbie size. I would do this only with the girls I found attractive, however.

Now, don't go misinterpretin'. I haven't ended up with some weird Barbie fetish or anything. I think it was a matter of power. As a young nerd, with the girls I found attractive (but didn't want to admit to, as you weren't supposed to like girls then), my affection was always returned via scorn and ridicule.

There was nothing "sexual," at least not on a physical level (although I'm sure psychiatrists would have a sexual explanation). Shrinking a babe down to Barbie size wouldn't make for good, er, lovin' exactly. But, honestly, I didn't know exactly what it was I wanted to do to girls/women at that point in life. I knew damn well I wanted to do SOMETHING to them--and I wanted to do that something BAD--but I didn't quite understand what.

So shrinking them down was a fantasy.

Not my only fantasy. Not one that took precedence over the others. Just... I'm sure you all have some questionable fantasies yourselves, so leave me alone!

Take that, Louisa May Alcott!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/4/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Into the White

Me.

You won't see.

Trailing a name.

Lower and down.

The tethers sleep.

The wires fray.

Sliding off.

The path breaks line.

I kick down waves.

The waves kick back.

Sea-salt salve.

My body heaves.

I float the rain.

I hit the hail.

Skin rock-cut.

Sky-frail veil.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/4/2004:

Concerning comments from Friday's edition:

> Actually, Cannabis incense, when burned, saps the air of the smell of pot.

> Don't ask me how I know this.

Ahh. So that makes sense.

But being it's currently marketed toward the modern public... Making practical sense somehow just doesn't make sense.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2004:

Disney owns the Muppets--it shows.

They're shilling crap--anything goes!

They cry "Family Friendly"

and yet, in the end-ly

if allowed, they'd shill Marlboros.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 7 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

"Offshoring" has become the new "downsizing."

That is, the new buzzword for a form of Corporate Evil that has come to represent Corporate Evil overall. And, as is the usual case with these buzzwords, politicians are busy looking busy with all sorts of near-meaningless "remedies" while they await the next errant nipple-esque event to distract the public from the important issue.

"Offshoring" is the new term for companies' replacing American workers with workers overseas; often times, it includes actually moving factories or even whole companies overseas. Usually, it is done to save money; usually, again, because foreign workers can often be paid lower wages, for a variety of reasons.

Now, there are some things that politicians CAN do about offshoring. NAFTA, GATT and all the "Global Market" laws could use some tinkering. Giving companies tax breaks for moving overseas doesn't help, either. And, of course, government placing more importance on individuals than corporations could work wonders, but, of course, considering that corporations are capable of giving more money to political campaigns than individuals, I'll admit that's a bit pie-in-the-sky and... That's my point here. There's not much that politicians can do about this.

Actually, there is a LOT politicians could do about, but politicians aren't interested in long-term or complicated fixes. I guess what I mean is that there is no piece of sound-byte-friendly legislation that can be crafted during an election year that will make much difference.

To be objective about this, some of what the Bush Administration says is true, although we're not a society known for embracing unpleasant truths. The world is becoming more and more global with or without the NAFTAs and, if somebody's willing to do something cheaper, chances are they are going to win out.

But I was reading today about the fact that offshoring is starting to embrace jobs beyond factory work and general labor; jobs requiring computer skills and a certain level of education are going overseas now. And it seems that at least part of the reason is the fact that, by-and-large, many nations (namely, Japan and India) do a much better job of teaching their children math and science.

So, it appears, one thing that would need to be done to nip offshoring in the bud is fix the education system. Which is a complicated procedure in itself requiring... No. Not gonna do it. Not gonna waste more space explaining another political concept here.

There are millions of other reasons to fix our educational system, of course. Including the fact that, were a gallon of milk to reflect the inflation level that a college education has grown by, we'd be paying over $5 for one.

But, again, who really cares when the price of gas is over $2 a gallon?...

A Gravitron at a Miami festival's carnival went horribly awry.

A Gravitron is one of those rides that spins you around so quickly that you "stick" to the wall before it drops the floor on you.

Three were thrown out of the device. A total of seven people were injured. One, critically.

I'm only mentioning this incident because I keep a file folder with the label, "Carnivals Gone Wrong." People "tsk" and roll eyes at me when I refuse to board carnival rides.

I guess I keep the folder because it somehow doesn't convince people when I point out the average carnival worker profile: missing digits, lookin' inbred, blarin' Guns 'N' Roses (which has displaced Credence Clearwater Revival in recent years as the official carni soundtrack).

I know, I know.  They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

But what about when the cover is half moth-eaten and falling off?...

A Woodland, Maryland high school class was treated to a full-blown performance. Which sounds possibly delightful until you learn that it was an "Anger Management" performance.

Folks on stage acted out "alternative" ways to deal with disagreements, for instance. The type of event that can only be entertaining accidentally--as fodder for fun-making by the student population.

In the audience was both a girl who fell victim to some form of harassment by a group of girls, the group of alleged harassers and the girl's mother. (It is unclear whether the girl's plight prompted this wonderful exercise in shameless opportunists engaging in meaningless "fixes" of social problems because entities like this school will toss money at them to look like they're "doing something" about a problem that is too complex for their time.)

It all started when the victim's mother started an altercation of some sort with the group of harassers. A riot erupted, complete with violence and at least one arrest.

So "Anger Management" is not only completely ineffective--but is now actually CAUSING VIOLENCE?

You may never see me write something like what I am about to write ever again:

Sick 'em, lawyers!...

There is a new device out called a "Germ Scanner." I think it has medical uses, but it is also being marketed as a way for parents to prove or disprove youngsters' allegations of hand-washing.

Of course, this has beneficial, practical use. It can undoubtedly help prevent illnesses. But it also makes me feel bad for a future generation that might not experience the cat-and-mouse game that is young boys' hygiene.

So, here's another thing you're gonna witness me writing that you may never see me write again:

What about THE CHILDREN?...

"The Gay Undead."

He hee.

Just found it a funny concept that, to my knowledge, is as-of-yet unexplored.

And, by the way, this is NOT something that can be worked into "Porn on Ice." Not on my watch, anyway. Do what you will with your own knock-off of the groundbreaking idea...

And for those who may want an update on my possible TV appearance yesterday... It wasn't on. Well, the show was on, but a segment featuring the show I performed in did not air.

Allegedly, that means it will be on next week. Assuming they run the show as regularly schedule on Easter Sunday.

(Sigh.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2004:

Reading about sports, stomach churls

as the baseball season unfurls.

Cubs viewed as contenders

by folks NOT on benders--

something's just not right in the world.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 6 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

A groundbreaking study at the University of Illinois-Chicago has that:

Big Red chewing gum kills bad breath.

In an age of tight budgets, that oughta make folks think twice about cutting science funding...

Today I engaged in graffiti for the second time in my life.

And, like my first foray... Well, let's just say that no Latin Kings are standing around, scratching their heads and wondering whom the "new gang in town" is.

My target? A big ol' sign rallying folks to vote for the current "American Idol" contestant from Chicago. So I plastered, across the sign, "Karaoke Sucks!"

Yup. The exclamation point really, and I mean REALLY, drives it home.

Truth be told, I used a pen instead of an airbrush. And, okay, it wasn't so much a "sign" as a flyer. And, you got me, I didn't go out of my way to commit the act. Actually, I saw the flyer next to me on the bus. It was either left there or it fell from where it was posted.

So I guess I'm kinda stretching the definition of "graffiti." But I gotta make up for my lack of drive-bys and 'ho's somehow...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Larry Suffedrin.

He may cause erectile dysfunction and kidney problems.

And:

Rosalie Bango.

No! I only have four in a row. I was trying to get Rosalie's attention!

And:

Ignatius A. Chap.

It's still a bit cold out and that can dry your skin. So speak softly and carry his big stick around.

(Huh?)

And:

Audree Manners.

She has couthies.

And:

Sierbern VanderWagen, Jr.

I hear he's on a roll.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/6/2004:

> Excellent! Hopefully when your clip comes on, it will be you saying "The Gay

> Undead." During Easter! Ha!

>

> Wow, I've been dropped on my head again.

Interesting point.

You could say that Jesus did in fact become undead.

Not sayin' the J-Man was gay, mind you. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And, especially in light of public reaction to "The Passion of the Christ," a lot of his followers now emulate him as a form of walking dead. Or walking brain-dead, at least.

Oh... And, by the way, that must've hurt. Being dropped on your head and all.

Thank God, or Jesus if you will, there's nothing fragile inside.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2004:

One "Scooby Doo" tie-in with flair's

the "Daphne" Barbie, with red hair.

Since that's S.M. Gellar

shrink me for her feller

(just make sure we're NOT smooth "down there").

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 5 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

A company or companies are now marketing an at-home kit that can help parents-to-be choose the sex of their upcoming baby.

Ah! The benefits of a world that is rapidly civilizing itself!

In ancient China, they had to resort to only safe-chaining boys to river rafts.

But this is a kinder, gentler sexism...

A new study says that men who have more sex have a lower risk of prostate cancer.

(Actually, don't tell any women this--and, women readers, skip past this parenthetical and resume reading--the study says that men who have more ORGASMS have a lower risk, which obviously could include masturbation and not actual sex. But let's downplay that.)

Meanwhile, there's more and more evidence accumulating pointing to the fact that married people tend to live longer than single folks.

Now, we're all used to copious amounts of "back and forth" concerning what is and isn't good for us, but... Make up your minds, scientists! Should we have lots of sex? Or should we instead be married?...

Here's a quote from some science cat concerning the above story, as he mentions that more research is needed to confirm the findings:

"It's too early to suggest men have more sex."

Now, I know you're probably all Ivy League and such, Doctor, but it's NEVER too early to suggest men have more sex...

A full-page ad for one of Chicago's rock stations trumpets the fact that you can hear the station through its Web site ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!

I guess there's comfort in knowing that, despite a rapidly globalizing world, you can still get your city's local flavor of modern radio wherever you may be. And, after hearing another damn Jay-Z tune in alien surroundings, who wouldn't crave the hometown sounds of... Er, well, Jay-Z--and local commercials, anyway...

I just read today--and this is not a new development--that both Sweden and Canada eventually lowered their previously perpetually growing tobacco taxes because said taxes were causing black markets, increasing use of police resources and all sorts of negative things that the likes of idiot e-pundits have warned about for many years to no avail.

Funny but, although the "liberal" side of the Partisan Moron Fest has been treating Canadian and European policies as practically passed directly down from the New Politically Correct God, this one somehow missed the headlines...

I've been advised at my place of part-time work that, in order to better utilize the nonprofit's limited man hours toward the purpose of publicity (which I am unofficially in charge of there), I am to look into finding myself some interns.

If this were remotely newsworthy, I'm imagining a feeding frenzy among editorial cartoonists, often involving a wolf and a henhouse...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Yazoo City, Miss.

I'm wondering... Did a certain gigantic Web company make 'em change a letter in what was originally to honor a local politician?

And:

Bradley Spinsby.

Politics is his name... And I don't know his game.

And:

Publisher Jefferson Hack.

His work's undoubtedly all over the best-seller lists.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2004:

When'r hot young Cindy got loaded

for butt sex, some luck-dog was goaded.

Young "Pinto," they called her

for all who butt-balled her

knew, when rear-ended, she exploded.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 4 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Today's Limerick is a traditional one.

A friend/reader and I were waxing nostalgic for the days when all Daily Limericks were traditional. Before this new-fangled, news limerick stuff.

So make up a batch of hot cocoa, gather the kiddies around the fire and read some traditional poetry aloud...

Yesterday was the 155th Birthday of the Hamburger. According to my records.

Now, my records have been known to have occasional errors. But this is confirmed. Although it might be disputed, as some foods, like the Rueben, have many cities vying for the title of "inventor" and many dates, hotels, chefs, etc. at issue as well.

Anyway... I feel like the only man on earth celebrating the birthday.

A sad, sad day for such a seminal figure in the world of tastiness.

I ordered a burger for dinner yesterday, as I do every April 7, and there was no "Happy Hamburger's Birthday!" from the cook or cashier. I've spied no Birthday Special signs on the windows of burger joints.

I'm trying to be briefer these days, so I won't have a cow. I just did--and you should, too, next April 7!...

Costs of music downloading are going up! In some cases, they are surpassing those of just buying the damn CD to begin with.

The Recording Industry SAID they'd "catch up with the times" to fix their self-induced, downward financial spiral, and they meant it!...

The British now have an "Award Awards" show.

Uh-huh. And it's exactly what it sounds like.

Does anybody remember how many Horsemen of the Cultural Apocalypse arrivals we'd counted up to yet...

The people who brought us, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"--and keep bringing it, over and over and more and more and STOP IT!!!--are going to produce a spin-off called, "Queer Eye for the Straight Girl."

And gay GUYS will be hosting this one, as well.

There's something very politically incorrect that could be pointed out here by many activist-type groups.

And I'm gonna file an amicus curae brief, of sorts, in the case, as I may have actually watched 10 minutes of "Lesbian Eye for the Straight Girl"...

Chicago White Sox coach Ozzie Guillen is under fire for telling his players, half-kiddingly, to, after the game, go off and "get drunk" or something.

Shh! Do you want Congress to start up a panel or something?...

A continuing series in the Chicago Sun-Times, my usual local daily of choice, is examining, and lamenting, the "state of The Blues."

My idea? Just let it go.

Like classical, or even jazz, it will always be there. But, while there will still be new experimentalists, and brilliant new artists, it's over. Move on.

I SAID while there will still be experimentalists, and brilliant artists, it's over. Move on...

There's an annoying commercial out--if that ain't redundant, I'm a monkey's carbuncle--that calls the movie it shills, "a comedy for a new generation."

Funny, but it looks a lot like a comedy from "my generation." Which some young hipsters would actually call "old."

And comedies from my generation looked a lot like comedies from an even earlier generation--"Animal House" and such.

Generational Corporate Synergey--hip rebellion without that pesky innovation!...

I've read a lot recently about the fact that women go to the doctor more readily than men and this is one of the reasons that male life spans are shorter on average.

And I'm gonna tell you why.

First, some general ground rules. And, if you don't like stereotyping, skip to the next nugget. 'Cause in order to illustrate my point, the stereotyping is just... er, beginnin'-ta-ripen:

Men are out for a good time. Beer. Smokes. Dancin' 'round with a lampshade on one's head.

Women are out to prevent men from havin' a good time.

And, in the majority of cases, men end up spending all, or most, or a good deal of their lives with women. And a battle ensues. Which, don't get me wrong, works out pretty good for both sides, generally. The man doesn't die before age 35. The woman loosens up and enjoys herself more often.

Of course, there are some men who aren't drawn to women but... I'll stereotype them some other time.

Point being, men see doctors as being on the "other" side.

Yup. "Knock off the red meat!" "Quit smoking!" "It is unsafe to dance with a lampshade obstructing your field of vision!"

Now, men also generally pride themselves on following logic. Sometimes, they take this to a tedious level, and women have a point that not everything that looks good on paper... Anyway, to keep the digressin' outta this lesson--what's with the rhymin', anyway, am I the wannabe white Fat Albert?--men would respect the word of ol' Doc if they felt he was completely logical because of their predisposition and yet... Doctors lie.

Yup.

They push the Noble Lies--for instance, secondhand smoke "research." Recent surveys have shown that most will lie, when asked to, in individual cases, like of terminal illness. Hell, a doctor lied to my "Uncle" Willie (actually, the husband of my grandma's sister) because, when they told his family that his liver was "100 percent," they said, "You can't tell him that--he drinks too much!"

Guys would be more likely to hit the doctor's office, even if still begrudgingly so, if they could count on them being... Well, scientists. Which you think they would be...

By the way, an update on my alleged, possible TV appearance:

The segment in question will air the Sunday AFTER Easter. I'll keep you posted. And pasted...

Huh?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Susan Pinto.

Subject of today's limerick, actually.

And:

Gordon Boos.

A late Hollywood director. Really. 'Nuff said.

And:

L.D. Chukman.

Up with him!

And Birdie Rest.

Talon-ted.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2004:

The Moron Majority dips

having ne'er seen fine browned nip

wants Congress involved!

But, dip shits, it's solved--

eight years back--recall the "V-Chip"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 3 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

A Glassport, Penn. youth ministry put on an Easter play for the young'uns.

Well, a rather secular play. With the Easter Bunny, painted eggs--the whole candy-laden schpiel.

Or rather, it WAS secular. Until the actors informed the children that "There is no Easter Bunny" and began to whip and crucify the Easter Bunny.

This, as you can imagine, has caused real hubbub in Glassport, Penn.

It's good to see that, in an age of fundamentalist religion causing so much bloodshed, America stands tall, proud and... returns to its own brand of violent, fundamentalist religion...

Oh, and, by the way, thanks, Mel. How can we ever thank you enough, ya' whacked-out, stark-raving nutjob?...

A "massage" ad in the newspaper today proudly trumpeted its "Hot, Wacky Girls!"

So, what? Your "happy ending" involves a rubber chicken or something?...

I think it's grown beyond Chicago, at this point, but I'm not sure how far.

In any event, Empire Carpet deserves credit for bringing us one of the most memorable phone-number jingles of all time.

"Five eight-eight, two-three hun-dred... Em-PIRE!"

If you're not familiar with it... I don't know what to tell you.

I hear lots of attempts at memorable phone-number jingles. And it appears to be quite a rare talent.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Hasn't stopped the Recording Industry from its own attempt at music-by-numbers, though. And in case you haven't heard, record sales are down again--now, for four years straight...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Jim Stalker.

Not the kinda guy you bring home to mother. But, then again, if you happen to visit mother, he might just show up, anyway.

And:

Debra Hatchett and Eileen Hamer. Both real estate agents for artists. And possibly involved in that youth ministry production.

And:

Patty Bickerton. Youth minister of the above referenced youth ministry.

Really. That completes this edition with a "Literary Circle," of sorts.

Although it's still not funny.

But don't get snippy with Patty, just to be safe.

Huh?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/9/2004:

> Talon-ted? Talon-ted?! Heh heh. Ugh.

Yes. I was quite proud of that one myself.

If "proud" is the right word.

It's not the right word.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2004:

That copy cat Ohio sniper

had many wearing Depends diapers.

But his "killer" run

did only kill one--

he's not even GOOD, the ass wiper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 2 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

I was reading today about the sects of Political Correctism battling pro and college sports teams to change their names from Native American-related ones.

I know there are pros and cons and blah blah blah. I won't get into it. But perhaps somebody can clarify this for me:

How can the name "Braves" be offensive?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2004:

It's Easter--the holiday begs

for chocolates and hard boiled eggs!

Catch your Easter Bunny

and shoot her some honey

in that basket 'tween hot oiled legs.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 1 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Happy Fuckin' Easter and all, for those who celebrate it! Just keep your Goddamned "Passion" to yourselves, okay?...

Oh, and I was in the mood again for a Traditional Limerick today, so that the whole family can enjoy it as you embark on the Easter Egg Hunt...

Jeffrey Skilling, the former Enron CEO or whatever, was either arrested by police for "exhibiting erratic behavior" or was assaulted by strangers and subsequently arrested for mere alleged "erratic behavior." Depending on which side's explanation you believe.

In any event, he ended up with numerous "abrasions" and his in-on-the-whole-scam-the-whole-time wife ended up with a concussion.

And that's what really important here-as the source of a (semi-) guilty smile while reading the newspaper this morning...

I know it's been awhile, but it's once again time for a--

Slappin' & Yappin' Sign of Hope:

The TV Grid in my newspaper today lists "See Jane Date" as airing tonight.

On the surface, it appears to be just another in a sea of Godawful made-for-TV movies that still manages to find its way to programming occasionally.

But due to the fact that my brain can't filter out "spam memories," I remember this movie's initial appearance in 2003. Part of the "attraction" then was that it starred that "Joe Millionaire" knucklehead.

TV Grid movie listings usually name a couple of the movie's stars, as well. And you can bet that, in 2003, "See Jane Date's" listing mentioned the "Joe Millionaire" near-human.

This time, it only reads "Charisma Carpenter."

Not much of a victory in the War on Cultural Terror, I know. But like the original War on Terror, it's a long, complicated affair and, for the foreseeable future, anyway, we can only celebrate the little victories...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

As the FCC Wing of the American Taliban ponders how to re-animate Lenny Bruce so that they can prosecute him all over again, something to ponder between mutterings of "Damn GOP!":

Does anybody else recall that part of the Gore-Lieberman campaign ticket in 2000 included "holding Hollywood accountable for cultural decay"?

Sorry. What was I thinking? I know all too well that facts can be inconvenient...

Now Dubya, you've heard the old saying about comparing apples to oranges? And you agree that it makes sense, right?

Okay, now, could you please, PLEASE stop referring to your little Iraq mess as part of the "War on Terror"?...

There's this guy, I think his name's John Stossel or something, who's a regular cable news guest. And he's managed to get me all confused about my overall political philosophy.

See, What's-His-Name is a staunch Libertarian type, believing that government should stay out of virtually everything but law enforcement, printing money and keeping up a military for defense purposes.

Many moons ago, during one stage of my constantly evolving political philosophy, I was actually a member of the Libertarian Party. And I still subscribe to the theory of maintaining the smallest government possible, but I found myself objecting to much of the Libertarian platform over time, these objections only grew and I eventually just washed my hands of the party.

But on some cable news show recently, during a discussion, er, shouting match about FCC media conglomeration rules, ol' What's-His-Name had a good point. He said that, going WAY back, if government hadn't initially tinkered with the whole thing through tax breaks and what-have-you, there never would've been a perceived need to regulate media ownership to begin with, nor a subsequent push to de-regulate, nor a hubbub over whether or not to further de-regulate and or start re-regulating or... Well, I think you get the idea.

So, although What's-His-Name managed to boggle my philosophy a bit, and I have to agree that he has a point, actually a very good point... I've decided that we have to be practical. Government has gotten its feces-covered hands into so much it should never have at this point that, even it we did manage to enact this platform and cancel ALL unneeded regulation, said regulation runs so deep that temporary  mini-regulations would be needed to ensure that things re-de-regulate sufficiently and... Yeesh.

So, as soon as people prove themselves to be more wise and logical, as a new millennium seems to promise, I'll go back to the no regulation philosophy.

Aw, who'm I kiddin'? We're stuck with figuring how to get by with the least amount of regulation possible forever...

Sunday Story Time: The Real "Hamburger"

Earlier this week, I expressed my outrage, or at least kinder, gentler outrage, at the lack of celebration surrounding April 7.

The birthday of the hamburger, ya' lumpstumpers! And you Sunday-only readers missed out and that's too bad, ya'... lumpstumpers times two.

Anyway, the special day somehow reminded me of "Hamburger." A girl I once dated.

I called her Hamburger because her features curiously resembled those of Mayor McCheese, the McDonaldland characer. She had a hamburger-shaped head. Her mouth, especially, resembled McCheese.

I didn't call her "Hamburger" to her face, of course. And I'm sure you're wondering either a) why in the hell I dated a girl who reminded me a McDonaldland character, as that's generally not regarded as an attractive trait and/or b) whether I have some bizarre anthropomorphic food fetish.

The answer to (b), by the way, is no. So here's (a).

Hamburger's dad was involved in some weird government program where he received a sealed can of clean, primo marijuana on a regular basis. And hamburger somehow regularly got her hands on some.

It was high school.

I even kissed her once. Then I started to feel like a pot whore.

I kissed her twice.

And that was enough!

Although mustard does go pretty well with lovin'.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/11/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Breathing in the night

The moon is jumping at us

through the wires.

And though some poems lay

discarded,

love,

we find completion

in a kiss

across the walk,

breathing in the night

and its embers of

light.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2004:

Now Bush's big Pro Marriage Plan

targets each po' woman and man.

It picks politicians

for "teach marriage" mission--

the least capable in the land!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

And now for another installment of Daily Limerick Told You So:

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is having a difficult time, due to pesky constitutional regulations and all, using money from his x5 hike of the DUI penalty to plug holes in the Deficit That Ate Illinois.

I think this makes the ol' "charge outrageous fees and taxes to discourage certain behaviors and then turn around and use that money to balance government budgets trick" a downright precedent! So citizens now not only can thank smokers for keeping government programs running--but drunk drivers as well!

Wasn't there a few nutball voices in the wilderness claiming this would happen when they used tobacco settlement money for all sorts of legislative cash burning? Don't you at least kinda remember that, or were you ignoring the un-P.C. voices, too?...

A USA Weekend poll of teens and newspaper use finds that 30 percent of youngsters think newspapers need more entertainment and celebrity news.

I mean, ALL WE LEARNED about Ben and J-Lo's toilet seat was that it was jewel encrusted! And, c'mon, what about all the other Toilets of the Stars!

Some "Fourth Estate" we're sportin'...

You know what I'd like to see in an upcoming "reality" show?

"Queer Eye for the KKK Member."

Imagine the possibilities...

Oh, and although I shouldn't feel obligated to say this, again, I'm not talking about gays in general, just "reality" TV gays. Actually, "reality" TV ANYBODY...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Sarah Harmer.

If people's names had to conform to Truth in Advertising laws, that might've been an ex-girlfriend of mine.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2004:

In politics, one's rep starts soaring

when he says he'll stop the offshoring.

But nothing will stop it--

those corps line their pockets--

pols' words mere election time whoring.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 29 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

You know what really makes me feel wrong with the world?

I'm hearing all these liberal partisans blaming 9-11 on Bush.

Yes, Bush is to blame. As is Clinton. As is the airline industry. As is the very freakin' system of government, with winning elections given priority over serving the people.

And, let's face it. If they WOULD have beefed up air security as recommended by various studies, public outcry would have been nuts. The rules would probably be rescinded when customers and, following them, airline money registered strong complaints. And imagine the reaction would we have attacked the Taliban, which most of us didn't even know of then? And, even if we were somehow cool with that, weren't the 9-11 hijackers pretty much in place here?

A more appropriate question, really, is who ISN'T to blame for 9-11...

But here's something that makes me feel RIGHT with the world: The Cubs are in last place.

I'm not saying that's GOOD or anything. It just feels right...

Read today that NY Mayor Bloombergermeister-Meisterbloomberger has enacted fines for bars that have dancing without a "cabaret license."

Hmm.

The mayor of the city that was attacked by al-Qaida, an entity opposed to the freedoms represented by the city, an entity that punishes, according to a warped definition of vice, the mere act of dancing!... Er, an entity that punishes with even MORE THAN FINES, according to a warped definition of vice, the mere act of dancing!...

Read this weekend about how the world's supply of oil is nearing the point where demand outpaces supply. Saudi Arabia, it is believed, has only about 50 years of petro left.

That'll be REAL interesting when their ONLY FUCKING INDUSTRY goes kaput.

Some experts peg this crucial "supply outpaces demand" point as early as 2005; the latest estimate I read of was 2030 or so. (And there is a much catchier name for the "supply outpaces demand" point, by the way.)

Actually, a lot of things are on a collision course with the definition of "interesting"...

Read a story today about the controversy surrounding the Shroud of Turin.

The Shroud of Turin.

Hey! Let's debate at length and expense the Mountain of Green Cheese on the Moon, while we're at it...

Headline:

"Heroin killed 'Murphy Brown' Actor."

Wow. I didn't even know heroin had developed the ability to WALK, much less up and use a tool to kill somebody...

Phil Mickelson's cool.

I just gotta say. I'm no big golf fan, and I'll most certainly continue making fun of it, but I do just gotta say.

Some guy everybody had written off. Just chasin' a dream.

It's just cool, and that kinda thing is not overly common...

And now for another installment of... Take the First Sentence or Two of a Letter to an Advice Columnist and Even a Segway Rider Can Answer It:

"Is it a good idea to go to seniors' Internet sites to find a companion?"

No. It's not.

Except under special circumstances. For instance, if you're in the market for assisted suicide, but can't afford Kevorkian, if he's still around, or one of his posse o' followers, and are especially intrigued by the idea of a free semi-burial in a forest preserve...

It is said that the human bodies "pairs" aren't quite exact twins.

One hand is bigger than the other. Likewise, one foot, one of each of the fingers, each of the toes. One breast is larger.

I'll allow you to adjust after the Boggle of that fact.

I've discovered that one armpit smells worse than the other.

And I've also discovered that I need to get out more...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Stefan Blessin.

He counts his relatives each night to fall asleep.

And:

Geoff Bent.

Lookin' for a straight man.

And:

Joan Hasselman.

'Nother ex, under Truth in Relationship Advertising Law.

And:

Stephan Ham.

I'm sure I've seen that guy at an open mike...

(By the way, when typing "mike," my integrated Microsoft Office-y crap "pops up" the option of hitting return for "Mike Chmielecki." Not many can say that)...

(Chmielecki, I mean. Not many people can properly pronounce "Chielecki")...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2004:

World oil's running out--quite a bummer

as Public grows dumber and dumber

and car and oil money

keep politics running--

shut up 'bout it, go buy a Hummer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 28 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Among the many revelations in these ridiculously partisan, and mostly useless, 9-11 hearings is that Attorney General John Ashcroft considered the War on (Non-Corporate Approved) Drug (Users) to be far more important than the (as of then un-declared) War on Terror. Thus, you could also say that the War on Drugs actually takes money away from the War on Terror.

So, you could also say there's actually less evidence that drug use indirectly supports terror than there is that the War on Drugs does.

But don't hold your breath for the PSAs...

The Prince of Spain, or one of 'em, who the hell knows, who the hell cares, is all pissed off that he was heavily screened at Chicago's O'Hare airports as if he was just some human being from another country!

Apologies are flying, mostly from O'Hare and U.S. officials and directed to Spain's government because, evidently, it's important not to piss off those worshipping a particularly foul form of government that led us to start a whole freakin' war and begin this democracy. Well, this Democratic-esque Corporatocracy.

I just find it amusing, that's all. Having trouble with a witty capper to this one.

Hmm.

No word on how his poor wife is doing. I hear she's been royally screwed.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/14/2004:

> Oh yeah. I'm a very open Mike. (bleh)

You are, huh? So you're constantly hounded by chowderheads with "something they just wrote on a napkin on the way there"? Nobody listens to you? Drunks constantly heckle you?

That must kinda suck.

Start calling  yourself "Showcase Mike." Especially being based in L.A., that fools people into thinking you talent to feature and you don't have to do anything differently than your "Open Mike" days!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2004:

Taliban finds dance too enticin';

attacked New York 'cause of such vices

where Mullah Bloomberg

fights that blaspheme urg(e)

by requiring cabaret license.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 27 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

CIA Director George Tenet--testifying before the commission designed to accommodate partisan, election-year blaming for the 9-11 attacks...er, that is, the commission designed to objectively investigate the 9-11 attacks, what went wrong and what can be done to prevent future attacks--stated that it will be "five years" before we have a fully functioning counter-terrorism system in place.

Hmmm.

Tenet is currently employed by the Bush Administration.

Thus, in five years (when, Tenet implies, we can start throwing blame at administrations for terror attacks because the "system" should be in place), George Bush will be... Done running for office.

My new most frequently used word: "Hmm"...

A federal task force has concluded that our current policy of banning the importation of cheaper, foreign prescription drugs will be unable to stop the flow of said drugs.

So, a government organization publicly releases an intelligent assessment of a U.S. drug policy? Not only that, but an assessment that runs counter to the established policy?

Hold on while I make sure that gravity is still working...

Let's not get too excited about this apparent change of governmental reasoning, however.

An anus-brained Pentecostal preacher in Jonesville, Va. died after being bitten by a rattlesnake in some hare-brained ritual.

There will be no charges filed, however, because the hare-brained ritual is recognized under the law as a legitimate religious function. Unlike the ancient Navajo tradition of using peyote for religious ritual, which was outlawed in a ruling eventually upheld by the Supreme Court.

Both can be deadly, of course. But there is no danger of having a kick-ass time on rattlesnake venom...

South Korean politician Chung Dong-Young, facing an election, caused quite a hubbub by telling all seniors not to vote and to "stay home" as they'll be "dead anyway" when most of the legislation he's representing them on goes into effect.

Now, it's certainly in the interests of politicians to have low voter turnouts (and public apathy in general) but, Mr. Chung... Seniors? You still need SOMEBODY voting in order to win...

The Chicago Transit Authority, the bungling government agency responsible for the trains and buses that provide most of my transportation needs, is exploring an idea from some other bungling transit agency of installing screens and showing commercials on buses and trains.

The CTA budget is in sad shape, you see. Largely because ridership is down. But, in the eyes of the bungling agency, not down quite enough, evidently...

Maxim--you know, one of those new men's magazines especially for guys who haven't figured out that other magazines show women COMPLETELY naked--has begun doing ad parodies.

There's a lot of scrambling going on at other men's magazines to try and match the success of pubs like Maxim, which are dubbed all "cutting edge" and "the new face of publishing."

But for those trying to emulate the mag's success, I have a secret:

You'll find those cutting-edge ideas in more... In MAD Magazines from the 1950s!...

I'm just gonna present you with the notes I wrote while viewing South Park last night. More precisely, while viewing the commercials for South Park last night, especially those for Enzyte, a "male enhancement" product featuring some ugly annoying guy named "Bob"...

 "I want to avoid being ANYTHING like 'Enzyte Bob'"...

"And, even if I was in need of the product and stupid enough to think it would actually WORK, I couldn't buy anything from a company that makes commercials THAT annoying for fear of encouraging more of them"...

"Another Enzyte commercial? Do they OWN Comedy Central?"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Jeanette Dinger.

Can you call a woman a "dick"?

And:

Loretta Lichterman.

Lucky guy.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2004:

You get a chick out of her garb

but she won't swallow from your barb.

Perhaps she will try it--

say, "it fits your diet--

in fact, it is rather low-carb!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 26 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

What a historic day!

In 1985, I was hired by Long John Silver's.

It was my first job. At least, my first job as the proud owner of a driver's license.

I have regaled you in the past with ho-hum tales of teenaged glories at Long John Silver's, or LJS, as the, er, "cool" among us what call it. Booze. Drugs. Babes. Mostly booze. More drugs than babes. Won't bother you with stories now. But, historic. DEFINITELY with a lowercase "h," I'll admit.

Today is also the anniversary of LSD's invention.

Think about it: LSD. LJS. Coincidence--or not?...

They have TWO letters in common, for "Passion" (by Mel Gibson)'s sake!...

Illinois has a Sexually Dangerous Persons Act.

And it's a damn good thing I read about it. Because, in my pre-reading-about-the-Sexually Dangerous Persons Act-days, I might've, shall we say, "looked the other way" if the buzz on the streets were, "There's Daily Limerick! Ooh. He's SEXUALLY DANGEROUS."

Huh?

Anyway, under this act, one can be imprisoned if he/she--although, realistically, 90 percent of the Sexually Dangerous (in a bad way) are "he's"--er, um... Smooth readin', ain't it?

Under this act one can be imprisoned if he's charged with a crime and deemed, well, "dangerous."

Charged. Not convicted. Not even indicted.

"Deemed."

I'm as anti-child molestation as the next guy, but I'm suspicious of any government system that bends the rules because something is "extra terrible." And, again, child molestation is "extra terrible," of course, but... Well.

Getting creative with the Bill of Rights?... Well, whenever presented with the tactic, we must ask ourselves, of the behavior it's meant to curtail:

Is it REALLY as dangerous to society overall as... drug possession?...

By the way, why does legalese always refer to "persons" instead of "people"?

You don't hear "persons" bantered about a whole lot in everyday life.

"He's good persons."

Hmm. Don't work for me. It's just as well.

"Hereto" and "forthwith"--now THOSE are a dime a dozen. Veritable water cooler confetti. But not "persons"...

I have made yet another small discovery in the field of Lowest Common Denominator-ology.

It occurred while pondering the commercials during late-night TV programming.

Entertainment caters to the Lowest Common Denominator because... The Lowest Common Denominator of society and its money are soon parted, much more quickly than with the hipster boheminan underground...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Kathryn Medlin.

'Nother damn ex. And a popular pet name of villains for that Scooby Doo gang.

And.

Lynn Marie Wail.

'Nother ex. Great and White, too.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2004:

When on Condi, cam'ra does zoom in

been close--but long sought one more clue, man

as to who she looks like

came light-bulbing last night:

the black, female Alfred E. Neuman!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 25 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Read in a "Food" section yesterday that tortellini was originally created to resemble Venus/Aphrodite's naval.

Realize, 1) in Italy, most of the "important" cooking is done by men; 2) even "way back then" (which I'm assuming is "when" tortellini was invented), men were interested in avoiding pregnancy in the women they banged; and 3) means of birth control were limited "way back when."

And that explains Alfredo.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2004:

Ashcroft's War on Drugs PSA's

claimed pot equaled terrorist pay.

But such hopeless courses

took up our resources

and War on Drugs helped terror play.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 24 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

I wasn't quite sure whether to put this nugget in the special "pull-out" section or not. But after much deliberation, research and focus grouping, I noticed that there was nothing yet preceding the special "pull-out" section and that clinched it.

Ahem.

Chicago Cardinal Francis George has been dabbling in the idea of not providing communion to politicians who are pro-choice.

So far, this hasn't proceeded to the level of investigating congregants' marital fidelities or checking for meat breath during Lent.

The overall idea, I'm guessing, is a return to the glory days of yore when religion played a stronger hand in government.

Which isn't so out-of-whack, in the modern, overall scheme of things.

You see, we're trying to get the Mid East on the same page as the rest of us. And they're not too eager over in the Mid East to play along.

So if we change the page WE'RE on to be more like the one THEY'RE on...

What do you know? Stumbled across another non-special "pull-out" section nugget in looking over a train schedule this morning. I glanced at the "rules of conduct" to find this:

"Obscene language, or that which is disturbing to other passengers, is prohibited."

Hmm. "Disturbing" language is prohibited?

So I don't have to put up with the overheard conversations about reality shows? Or the blathering about low-carb diets? Or heated intellectual discussions on whether or not Kate Winslett has "chunky thighs"? Or tales of how many times lil' junior took a poop the other day?

Actually, in considering the Moron Majority, this kinda means that I'm entitled to utter silence on my ride home, I believe...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Just when I'm ready to write off the 9-11 Commission as yet another example of government using a whole lot of pomp and resources to accomplish nothing other than establishing another partisan forum for election year shit slinging, the Commission begins to reveal important information.

For example, the fact that our government knew al-Qaida was planning attacks upon airlines and had even considered crashing them into landmarks, like the Eiffel Tower.

Although, I must admit, that Daily Limerick filled you in on that fact about two years ago. But I won't reveal my top-secret, info-gathering forces.

Okay, I will. I read about it in daily, general interest newspapers.

But, since Bush has admitted--actually bragged--that he doesn't read the newspaper, you could say that the 9-11 Commission is revealing information that EVEN THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T KNOW...

Speaking of shocking--go ahead, pick your jaw up off the floor after that last one--Bob Woodward's new book asserts that a Cheney wing of the Bush Administration was jonesin' to nail Iraq right of the bat and, after 9-11, began pushing to do anything possible to tie the attacks to ol' Saddam.

I filled you in on that even earlier. But I won't reveal my top-secret... Oh, okay. For that one, it was NOT HAVING MY HEAD COMPLETELY UP MY ASS.

But I don't have all those impressive facts and interviews and crap, so nobody "Oooh'd" and "Ahhh'd" me...

Pundits agree that John Kerry, keeping up a general trend concerning non-incumbent major party presidential candidates, has moved farther to the rights since winning the Dem ticket.

Which is really odd. You'd assume they'd move LEFT, since the biggest danger to his candidacy is so obviously Nader...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Thomas Lumpp.

He's REALLY into coffee.

Sunday Story Time:

In the beginning, God created man and woman.

This was alright for man until woman learned that man wanted woman much more than woman wanted man. And thus God, quite accidentally, created Trouble.

And on the Eighth Day, God created porn. And he saw that it was good.

Not as good as woman, mind you. But good enough in a pinch.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/18/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: King Bone

Scattered in the mirror,

King Bone is

on the wall again.

He's itching on my palms at night

and laying eggs in sheets again.

King Bone is queen -- don't tell her that.

She's liable to poison you.

King Bone, pierce the window sun

and silhouette my fear to try.

King Bone's family, they too creep

along the floor, unknown by dogs.

King Bone stitches moths as lanterns

without light (and without pause).

King Bone never speaks his mind.

He dangles and she dreams of housing.

King Bone sometimes makes a call

and plants fair warnings on the ceiling.

King Bone wandered in the stall

while I washed and brushed this morning.

He will slip too near the drain.

That should cease King Bone's carousing.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2004:

We vowed right after 9-1-1

a new way of bizness begun!

But our Big Commission's

just partisan pissin'--

U.S., zero; terrorists, one!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 23 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Brooklawn, NJ's Alice Costello School has resorted to using corporate sponsorship to pay its bills.

A local sponsor has named its gymnasium, for instance.

The school, however, needs state approval to actually sell naming rights to the school itself.

The school superintendent was quoted as saying, "What we're doing here is going to be the norm in 10 years."

Well, the government and the teachers' unions haven't been able to fix our joke of an educational system. Might as well call in that shining example of efficiency, Corporate America...

The Pope, taking a good hard look at the world around us, but not too hard at things like, oh, overpopulation statistics, decided to proclaim that one of the things we need now is more procreation among the Italians.

And everybody, really, but especially the Italians.

I think that, despite his reputation, this is a rather self-interested proclamation.

More starvation = more work for Catholic missionaries...

 

Example of government efficiency:

The City of Chicago and its mayor, Richard Daley, have been under fire lately for alleged corruption in its "Hired Trucks" program, whereby the city certifies certain contractors to perform city functions.

Now, Daley is very much a "teflon politician." That is, no matter what surfaces on the guy, he appears secure in office for as long as he wants to remain there. But pundits are calling this scandal special in that he's shaking a bit in his Monarchy-esque boots.

So, how what type of measures does he jump into in order to salvage his reputation?

The signs marking "Hired Truck" vehicles have just been changed from this big, honkin' thinga-ma-jigs to itty bitty window stickers.

As I suspected, the problem isn't really ethical violations; it's the fact that it's too damn easy to get caught during necessary ethical violations...

There's a hubbub in many states over medical costs.

Okay, there's a hubbub heard 'round the world about this one, but lately the specific focus in many states is on rates of malpractice insurance.

Some doctors blame lawyers. Some lawyers blame the insurance companies. The insurance companies in turn give more money to politicians. And they're all undoubtedly to blame at some level, in reality.

I have one idea that may help a bit:

Ban any and all lawsuits over plastic surgery.

Used to be you'd only curtail your kicking and screaming a wee bit to be brought under the knife if something darn serious was ailing you. Now, knuckleheads are doing it for text-book-dictionary-definition "superficial" reasons and they, with help of their lawyers, turn around in a few years and let loose lawsuits crying, "Now, who'd have thunk that sucking all the fat out of one's lazy ass with a vacuum could ever be remotely harmful, long-term?"

As long as unneeded Constitutional amendments are all the rage, somebody needs to start coming up with some that are at least semi-useful...

One of the subheads in a job advice column today specifically geared toward developing writing skills:

"Do Word Puzzles."

So many times during a job interview, I'm asked for a eight-letter word with an "x" as the third letter and "s" as the second-to-last...

I've run a semi-regular feature with a completely unwieldy name that allows readers the opportunity to answer a particularly easy question posed to an advice columnist.

Well, this nugget is kinda the opposite. And it probably won't even attain semi-regular status.

The advice columnist's worst nightmare:

"I need advice with relationships. People in today's world don't like carnival workers or ex-cons."

Gotta give her credit for even attempting that one...

My parents have "Gone Cosby."

I'm just throwing this one out to see if anybody else has had this experience.

My parents are in their early-to-mid sixties at this point. So the inter-generational fashion clash is to be expected. But, suddenly, they're wearing brightly pattered jackets and shirts, with patterns o' plenty. Out of nowhere.

You could say I went home for the weekend and "The Cosby Show" broke out.

Without the laugh track. Or too many jokes. Or, well, a lot of things besides the wardrobe...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Caroline Lucille Boness.

Barbecue with a lisp.

And:

Professor James Marchese Forkins.

Put a James Marchese in 'em; it's done!

And:

Lodgepole, California.

Not sure in whom the pole is lodged. San Fran area or no?

Ugh.

Double ugh.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2004:

As Kerry moves more to the "Middle"

Nader's somehow Devil to lib'rals.

But ain't the foe Bush?

When shove comes to push

real issues play mere second fiddle.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 22 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Bob Woodward's new book claims that Dubya has a special deal goin' with the Saudis whereby the Terror Kings agree to lower gas prices in time to benefit Georgie come election time.

Now, I knew Dubya was cozier with the Saudis than was reasonable. But this went beyond my most vivid paranoia-laden daydreams.

It just goes to show you: Especially when it concerns government, conspiracy theorists are really mere optimists...

There's a hubbub in Illinois because evidence now exists that the state lottery has purposefully marketed to blacks and Latinos.

The lottery, as a form of gambling, is just one more way the government balances its budgets with a heapin' helpin' of citizens' vices, while pretending otherwise to be "against" such vices.

It is also well known that, for a host of reasons, the lower social classes tend to spend the most money on vices. And that minorities form an inordinate percentage of the lower classes' makeup.

There's a racial angle here that's just beginning to explode.

Of course, the same things could be said about cigarette taxes. But when two fronts of Political Correctism collide, they evidently cancel each other out...

Kevin Spacey has been involved in a bizarre turn of events recently.

First, he went to police, a bit bruised up, claiming that he was assaulted and his cell phone was stolen.

Things looked fishy to the British cops and Spacey now says he made it up. Although his phone WAS stolen, he fell down in chasing the perpetrator and THAT'S how he got all banged up.

Now, there are rumors about Spacey.

And even he admits that the perpetrator was male.

I'm thinkin' there's still a missing piece of this puzzle. And it involves somebody gettin' all banged up in a different manner...

Speaking of gaiety, there's a special on the Hitler Channel... Er, History Channel, looking into the increasingly validated idea that ol' Adolph was gay.

Gay Hitler? There's gotta be a million jokes about this one.

More importantly, coupled with my recent "Gay Undead" idea, I may have the framework for the follow-up to my "Porn on Ice" spectacular...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Secret Service spokesman Charles Bopp.

A Bopp should indeed be kept a secret service. But I'm not happy about this one throwing Goddamned Hanson into my head.

And:

William A. Prize.

I think his wife would beg to differ.

And:

Penny Curry.

There's yellow, green, red... And this one's probably brown.

And:

Ruby Cartledge.

A bit nosey, I hear.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/20/2004:

> Can you give us the lowdown on your t.v. appearance?

Well, I WAS indeed on TV, visually. (There was a voiceover drowning out my Stand-Up Poetry.) And I was correct: 20 seconds on the show itself. I was bellying up to the bar in one shot and to the mike in another.

So I guess I still have 14 minutes and 58 seconds of fame left, according to Andy Warhol's calculations.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2004:

Your wife won't go down on you knob.

Just why? Couldn't be you're a slob!

If you think some pills

will cure your sex ills

you're dumb as ads with "Enzyte Bob."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 21 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Draconian Vice Taxes are only enacted for the public's health, right? Not to balance ridiculous, special-interest-blowin' budgets, right?

Has anybody else noticed how tobacco taxes are causing a full-fledged resurgence in the number of folks rolling their own smokes?...

Speaking of government meddling leading to costly, colossal failure, just read today about a federal lawsuit challenging the government's procedure of withholding federal transportation funds for any agency that dares accept advertising questioning the War on Drug Users. (A specific example included was ads placed by seniors' groups urging folks to support legislation making marijuana legal for glaucoma patients.)

Haven't heard of this? Either had I. I guess if a newspaper were to report a story like this with the beefy coverage it demands, that might prompt some pundit in its offices to comment upon it and...

...and the Feds might shut it down, keeping the people from readings hard-hitting investigative reports, like one from today headlined:

"War Affects Most Afghans Psychologically"...

Which, really, is exemplary of a wide-spread Moronity in Media trend, which is odd in itself, considering that media consolidation--and its inevitable spurring of layoffs leading to inadequately staffed newsrooms--can only benefit our free, well-informed society.

Which, in turn, kinda makes you wonder why, all of a sudden, there's an epidemic of journalists completely fabricating news stories. Which, in turn of the in turn, would seem to be something the Federal COMMUNICATIONS Commission might be interested in preventing, at least if more important things didn't warrant its attention, like guys broadcasting fart noises on the radio...

Speaking of incompetent screwtoads overly concerned with media they aren't forced to experience to begin with, the Parents Television Council, in criticizing the networks for shying away from broadcast rights to Mel Gibson's "Passion," claims this situation to be an example of the "rampant hypocrisy in Hollywood."

So, the Parents Television Council spends most of its time fighting violence on TV, yet is currently exerting time and effort to get the ridiculously violent Gibson mess on the air--which even they admit is, well, ridiculously violent.

But Hollywood is the REAL hypocrite here?

I'd write something about something-or-other calling the kettle black, but in naming that something or other, I might lose my federal funding...

Speaking of "pro-family" entities with confusing motives, has anybody else noticed that the Family Channel runs a movie with homosexual themes approximately every other night?

I mean, I'm all for teaching tolerance to children early. But I'm wondering if, well... The "Metrosexual" marketing scam seems to has fizzled on the other fronts...

And, by the way, we don't need to continue making all of society "child proof." We need to engineer adult-proof children...

It's not only the NHL which masquerades its pre-season as a "regular season."

Three NBA teams made the playoffs with losing records.

But the NBA shows no signs of financial struggle.

Somebody asked me the other day, "If you could invite any three people from history to dinner, who would they be?"

I was unable to answer. And, knowing my lucky, I'll probably run into a djinni posing just that question on the bus next week.

But this little nugget helped me decide on at least one of my historic dinner guests:

P.T. Barnum. I'd ask him, "You really think ONLY ONE is born every minute?"...

Funny, but as I typed that last line, a commercial came on the radio for the Illinois Lottery...

I have an idea for a TV show:

NYPD Blues Clues.

Hey! NYPD may have shown butts before--but that's nothing like that horrific destroyer of youth everywhere... A NIPPLE!...

(Even a finely browned one!)...

Time for another edition of Daily Limerick Told You So:

Today, I read about a bunch of "Hollywood Insiders" who, using resources only available to insiders, have come up with a theory on Kevin Spacey's recent London park bruising troubles:

He's rumored to be gay... And the park in question is a known site for gay cruising!

Wow! DL could land a gig hosting "ET"!...

And ANOTHER DLTYS:

I recently accused Maxim of acting all cutting edge by doing ad parodies, ala MAD Magazine, which started doing them in the 1950s.

Well, I didn't mention that, in the news story I read, one such parody was shown from the latest Maxim, for "iPeed." (Playing off "iPod," of course.)

Due to circumstances I won't go into here, I am WAY behind on my MAD Magazine reading and, yesterday, I was catching up on the March issue (which comes out in mid-to-late February).

It contained a themed series of ad parodies for "iPoop," "iPop" and "iPot"...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Place) for No Real Good Reason:

Spray, Oregon.

Travelers: It's a mist.

And:

Rick Wagoner, CEO of General Motors.

Whatever you do, DON'T ask to see his "little red Wagoner"...

And, while we're at it, how 'bout an installment of--

Laughing at Strangers So Familiar That You Forget Their Names are Funny:

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay.

Perhaps the tortoise beat the hare. But Congress is even more far-out than a fairy tale.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2004:

Maxim rides a mystery fad--

merely near-nude babes for the lads.

New "cutting-edge" spree?

Print ad parodies

(stolen, and then dumbed-down, from MAD).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 20 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

I've been thinking lately about my semi-journalistic method of writing S&Y.

By "semi-," I refer to the fact that, oh, sometimes I don't go out of my way to check names and facts because I initially feel they're not necessary for the point I'm making. I don't write my nuggets in the "inverted pyramid" style--with the major facts at the top of a story, so that readers can decide how much detail they want to glean from the piece. Etc., etc.

But then I thought, "You know, the first step to take, if you want to see me be all professional, is to start treating me like a professional."

So there.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/22/2004:

Blah

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2004:

The Bush oil-war mongers do claim

our Iraq cov'rage must be tame.

Corpses can't be shown

so it stays unknown

that this time's no video game.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 19 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Note: The "History of the Daily Limerick" section (below) has been updated! And that REAL Web site for the 5th Anniversary festivities? Well underway at this point...

Concerning today's limerick:

The Bush Administration claims that, ahem (gotta give 'em credit for keeping a straight face with this stuff), the reason they don't allow journalists to take photos of the mess o' American corpses in Iraq is out of courtesy to the grieving families.

Hmmm.

I suppose there's a chance that the family of a soldier killed in Iraq could flip on CNN otherwise, catch a glimpse of Dead Junior and freak out.

Of course, it'd be an even greater "courtesy" to the family if Junior didn't become Dead Junior to begin with, but now I'm just getting silly...

Two rods of nuclear material are missing from power plant in Vermont known as Vermont Yankee.

Spokesman Neil Sheehan had this to say: "We do not think that there is a threat to the public at this time. The great probability is this material is still somewhere in the pool."

In the POOL?

Just what the hell goes on over there at Vermont, Yankee?...

There's a growing trend in many states of enacting programs to improve the image of lawyers. Some of them allege that they're really trying to improve the ethics and such of lawyers (which might indirectly improve image as well).

There are committees, extra law school classes, pledges--many different measures proposed to address the problem.

I would personally recommend something like, oh, say, tort reform. But, again, I'm in a silly, silly mood today.

The cesspool of lawyers is where our future politicians are groomed. I mean, the courts are where our future leaders learn how to appear dedicated to solving problems without doing anything nutty, like solving them...

Sixty-four percent of Britons surveyed believe media legislation is needed to ensure the privacy of celebrities. Forty-eight percent actually believe such legislation is necessary to protect politicians.

Despite all that's happened, and all they may say, the Brits still have their knickers in a bunch over this democracy business, evidently...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Marie Skummer.

If nothing else, you can probably pick her up.

And:

The Cleveland Indians' Coco Crisp.

The team's milking of him is in bad taste. But the results are good taste.

And:

First Amendment activist Russ Kick.

He's off on the right foot. Or perhaps the left, depending on which one's doin' the bootin'.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2004:

I've been thinkin' 'bout Kirsten Dunst

though I've seen her work, maybe oncest.

But still, for some reason,

Dunst lust asks appeasin'--

I've many fine plans for that cunst!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 18 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Concerning today's limerick... I know I used THE WORD YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY, although bad-and-lazy-rhyme-fulfilling version of it but... What am I explaining this for? They're LIMERICKS, for Jennifer Love Hewitt's sake!...

Nonetheless, could this be a new trend? Not only CHEEZY, but CHEEZY, UGLY SATURDAYS?...

Actually, I think that's enough for today. I've fulfilled the time-honored, Saturday commitment to "quality" and quantity!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2004:

For new, improved federal screeners

on post-9-1-1 airport scene-er.

The results are in--

Brace yourself and kin:

cost way more, but still the same wieners.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 17 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

ATTENTION SUNDAY-ONLY READERS: The "History of the Daily Limerick" standing section (which appears at the end of each edition for your easy ignoring) was updated this week to include more recent "historic" events!...

I find it rather, er, "interesting" (in a Chinese proverb kinda way) that VH-1 has a "Save the Music Foundation."

Meaning that Viacomm (through MTV) has worked hard and profited much from destroying modern music and then turns around and scores PR points for attempts to "save" it...

Do you think anybody's ever referred to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' John Mobley as "that Mobley Dick"?

It'd be especially interesting, for S&Y purposes at least, if somebody just couldn't rest until he eliminated him...

By the way, although it's widely accepted, when you think about it, the idea of seeing a movie as a social function is kinda... Butt stupid.

You can't really talk or interact without getting a glare. Although I guess you can talk afterward, if it was a thought-provoking movie, but... Well, in the U.S., we're pretty much talking Hollywood, so thought-provoking is out.

Or perhaps people just really don't want to talk so much. Our parents didn't encourage us. But perhaps that's not so much their fault. It must be difficult raising children properly with those big antennae on their big, boxey heads...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

The following display of Moronity doesn't directly concern U.S. politics but does spotlight one of the currently hip trends in screwing everything up common to most nations these days. And, for what it's worth, it's stronger among the "liberal" side of the stupidity contests although by no means non-existent among the other group of partisan morons.

This almost qualifies as a "Daily Limerick Told You So" nugget.

S&Y has long followed the time-honored--well, usually time-ignored--credo, "Those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes." In this case, I don't know if politicians are necessarily "ignorant of history" or simply engaged in politics, the art of actively messing up everything.

S&Y has also long warned readers of current trends, namely the War on Fun and Big Mother, and their dangerously approaching a colossal mess-up that occurred about a century ago known as Prohibition.

Here's a partial quote from a news story about a conglomerate selling off a European tobacco company: The sale is expected to go through and all "if tobacco remains legal in the Netherlands, Germany and Belgium."

The credo named earlier in this nugget needs to be revised: "Those who are ignorant of history are simply doomed"...

And that's us! God help us, every one!...

I guess this little nugget also spotlights our governmental system itself, rather than any particular "side" in upcoming elections:

The Transportation Security Administration this week announced the results of the latest airport security tests!

The results: Pre gazillion dollar agency screeners and today's new and improved federal screeners scored... "equally poorly."

Well, that's an improvement over government business as usual.

To use another government agency as an example, when compared to private entities like UPS and FedEx, the U.S. Postal Service has a long way to go as it proceeds "more poorly"...

Here's a tip to help figure out the lesser of two evils in your voting choices:

Now, there are rare--I mean, really rare--exceptions to this, but if it concerns an issue that important, well, you'll know, but, otherwise, any politician proposing a "Constitutional Amendment"?

"Lesser" is in his/her blood...

Let's look at the most recent in an unfortunately steady stream of pandering, Moronic-on-the-level-of-a-Segway-purchase,  proposed amendments:

Some sack of shit with legs and something remotely resembling a brain and masquerading as a human being politician is proposing one for "victims rights."

Now, there are some issues that could use addressing, for instance those concerning notifying victims and their families of the trial doings and whereabouts of offenders (who shouldn't be let out if they're dangerous but, again, our prisons are for the TRUE destroyers of society, those snorting lines and jamming tunes in their mothers' basements).

But let's take stock of the overall situation:

States across the country are hard at work pretending to address the problem of wrongful convictions, which in many cases even lead to the death penalty. On one side of the courtrooms, you've got the billionaire states and their top-of-the-line prosecutors. On the other side, you've got mostly poor defendants and their public defenders, who continually hitting new heights of legal incompetence.

So the natural politicians' conclusion: We need more VICTIM's rights!

Don't worry. You'll catch on to political thinking eventually. But only if you continue to read Slappin' and Yappin'!...

Sunday Story Time: Hee Haw

As a child, I loved watching "Hee Haw." You know, the down-home, Southern, Country & Western showcase/variety show packed with humorous sketches?

I honestly don't remember how funny it is, much less how that humor would hold up now, as an adult. And, although he had some handy-dandy "how to play guitar" books that helped me prepare for my Godawful, high school band, I've never particularly been a fan of Roy Clark.

But there was a LOT of cleavage going on in "Hee Haw." A lot of Southern girls in sketches, sittin' around, chewin' the fat, fanning themselves from the heat, open blouses and ample bosom... Hmmm. Ample bosom... Ahem.

For network TV, despite the lack of constant bathing suits, I think "Hee Haw" even beat out "Baywatch" for blatant titillation.

"Tit"-illation. He he.

So, I guess since he was a main force behind "Hee Haw," Roy Clark was my bosom buddy after all.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/25/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Back to VNC

dries slow. leaves light.

imprints. hands. a love

of speech. tracks facing

the windows. mountains

facing sea. great

smoky rocks,

the forest seems of rain.

early sunday headphones.

ticket stowed in pocket.

immensity of motion.

travel's sensuality.

red-haired girl at rest.

crossword done in pen.

thorn tattoo. hair in face.

clinging scent of cigarettes.

crinkle of chip bag.

power stations pass.

warehouse backs, their junk

displayed.

music grows and fades.

somewhere there to here,

she walks off stops before.

the rest is wasted notebook pages

living out fast scenery.

lurch. to bus. and on. to lot.

imprints. words. a dream.

at home, a bed. a lone,

long book. each clock

is every evening.

we dry slow.

we leave light.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2004:

The monster cig taxes we're dealt

are 'llegedly done "for our health"

but a new trend's grown--

folks rollin' their own

and mostly those with the least wealth.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 16 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

I have a dream.

Well, I HAD one, anyway. Yesterday. More of a daydream.

Overheard some "special" about "reality" TV stars.

The tone of the show was past tense. I don't mean just grammar--I mean as in, "Here's what happened long ago... Here's how people reacted..." This tone was altogether brief, however, and perhaps accidental.

But for a brief moment, I thought we were finally looking at "reality" TV as we (hopefully) will (God, how I hope!): As some bizarre phenomena from another age that we now have a hard time understanding, kinda like the Holocaust...

Also overheard a plug for the "Laci Peterson True Hollywood Story."

(Sigh.)

I guess it's time to stop harping on these questionable "Hollywood" E! stories. Proceed to viewing the "Hollywood" as mere filler. Although she did live a lot closer to Hollywood than did, say, Bill Clinton...

It's time to admit what has been obvious for SOO long but which I've resisted admitting for some time:

We're never, ever, ever going to have a president I like. Ever again.

Oh, I'll like some candidates more than other. Feel some momentary half-joy, perhaps, when the lesser of two evils wins.

Society has reached such high levels of Moronity than one simply cannot win an election without becoming (at least outwardly) a flaming moron...

And if THAT's not enough of a pick-me-up for ya', here's another revelation that hit me yesterday.

Oh, it's hit me before. And I think I've mentioned it here. But it's time to mention it again, as it hit me particularly strongly yesterday--

We're lame.

Hopelessly, terminally lame.

I guess it started seeing a picture of Hitchcock on the set of "The Birds" smoking a big stogie. Then overhearing something on the Hitler... Er, History Channel, about some general's noted overindulgence in alcohol.

Look at our leaders today. Our entertainment "heroes." Our whole freakin' Big Mother, "everybody has the right to live annoyance free," every-freakin'-square-inch-of-the-world-must-be-kid-friendly society.

And to think that kids of my generation snoozed through history class...

Lookin' for a new slur?

Call that asshole who cuts you off in traffic a "jagitudinal liploaf."

And tell 'em Daily Limerick told you to do it!

Er, actually, don't tell 'em that. Please don't tell 'em that. But DO call 'em a "jagitudinal liploaf."

Rolls off your tongue like... Vomiting tacks, doesn't it?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2004:

Now Swiss Anna's backpack is giant.

Its contents are quite mystifyin'.

In case Mr. Right

asks her, "Spend the night?"

she's all packed and can be compliant.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 15 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

Today's traditional style limerick (or, Classic Limerick, to the marketing folks) resulted from a real event. (And briefly pacifies those rabid Traditionalists out there in their tweed suits.)

Although the story behind it is not as exciting as the limerick makes it appear.

Sunday at the Green Mill Uptown Poetry Slam (the original Slam), host Marc Smith, as he often does, made fun of a foreigner who made her foreignness known, in this case focusing on the overstuffed, unwieldy backpack she carried.

He called upon attendees to compose impromptu poems about Anna and her bag, offering a whopping $6 prize for the best one.

I penned the above limerick.

Smith forgot about the contest. But we'll always have the limerick.

Some are accused of using 50-cent words. Hmmph. I toss $6 limericks about...

Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani now heads a Mega Drug Company and is now thus part of the campaign to convince the public that buying cheaper drugs overseas is a bad thing.

Wow. That stint as "hero" didn't last long...

Broadway is the new literature.

To understand this assertion, consider the state of literature: At one time, penning a novel was a task worthy of praise.

Look at your bookstore shelves. Not just the children's section, either.

Now, as long as you qualify as some sort of celebrity (and many, these days, fit into the "some sort of" celebrity subgenre), you are entitled to write a novel--or any other form of literature you'd like.

Today brings news that Puff Daddy and Phylicia Rashad are now both appearing in big Broadway productions.

Something tells me we should've just left Broadway to the drama class nerd queens...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Dirk Beveridge.

I'm having one of him right now. With a bit of sugar. Although it needs to hit the microwave, come to think of it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2004:

The "Save the Music Foundation"

scores PR points for VH-1.

But it's Viacomm's

damn MTV Bomb

from which music needs real salvation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 14 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

From a news story on plastic surgery:

"...breasts are a powerful source of sexual attraction..."

Okay. So I know that mainstream journalism tries to keep itself to a "sixth grade" reading level, so that older children--and adults taught in city schools--all the way up to the most educated and intelligent can all easily comprehend and digest a run-down of current events. (Except for, of course, hold-outs like George Will, whose word choices occasionally stump dictionaries.)

But do they really need to keep the exposition side of things to a level that outer space aliens with little understanding of humanity can follow?...

"Mohair" shampoo seems to be all the rage.

Don't get this one at'all.

When given a choice, I'd think most chicks would pick "Larryhair." Personally, I've went with Curly. And that might even be more attractive that mohair on a chick...

Snobbery is one of those things that most people rightly dub subjective.

But, in perusing a "Food" section today (no word yet on when one will debut for S&Y), I stumbled upon an objective sign of snobbery:

Wine.

Yup. Those who are "into" wine, wine tastings, blah blah blah.

Some may claim that I "just don't understand." And, true, I am a former drinker turned non-drinker, but I drank long enough to sample quite a few varieties of wine. And beer. And brandy. There's very few genres of liquid hooch I haven't partaken of.

The same can be said, I suppose, for those who go out of their way for the latest microbrews and such crafted with cranberries and nutmeg and God knows what.

It's liquor. You drink it to get drunk. Oh, sure, you want it to taste okay, and some wines or beers taste much better than others... But only to a certain extent.

As a cigar smoker, those "into" stogies (although they probably don't call them "stogies") are in the same group. White Owls and Tiparillos, for instance, are some of the cheapest cigars and they taste like Star Jones' ass. Not that I'd no... Ewww.

Ahem.

Continuing... But buy a higher end, over-the-counter cigar, and it definitely tastes a bit better than the Phillies I usually puff. Buy a cigar-store stogie and, depending on brands, etc., it usually tastes a bit better still. But buy a $15 cigar instead of a $4 one and, well, you might as well shove that extra $11 up Star Jones'... Ewww. (But, you gotta admit, ain't nobody gonna retrieve THAT $11.) (And, by the way, I'm going by Illinois cigar prices here. In California, taxes might have pushed a Goddamned White Owl up to $15 by now.)

Cubans? Only regarded as the best because they're banned in the U.S.

I don't think there are any wine-tasting types on this list, but if you ever find yourself in such a situation, sneak a cup of Mogen David on the table and see what happens.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/28/2004:

> PLEASE take me off your list. thank you.

I'll have you know, this joker happens to be a pretty big player on the Chicago media scene.

Actually, even on the national scene--you'd know the name--but... We have ethics here at Daily Limerick.

I think.

I'll testify before the 9-11 commission, if asked, anyway.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2004:

Since no candidates bring contentment

we vote "Lesser of Evils" sent'ment.

Here's help in your choices:

Vote against those voices

blath'rin for cons'tution'l amendments.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 13 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

It was reported earlier this week that North Korea would not accept South Korea's offer to send doctors for use in cleaning up the aftermath of the recent train crash that claimed hundreds of lives and generally wreaked all sorts of destruction.

North Korean did accept charitable gifts of money and sundries.

And now comes word that they'll be accepting South Korea's latest offer of 50 color TVs.

Hmm. TV... More important than health?

So there IS still hope for them to become a full-fledged, modern capitalist Democracy...

During some good old fashioned questioning of an umpire's judgment at a Cubs game yesterday, some curse words went flyin', as is often the case in these good old fashioned situations.

Fans seated close to home plate included a family or families replete with kid and/or kids.

So a complaint was been lodged by the family or families about the naughty words. And MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has scrambled to pacify the complainants, tossing around suspensions and all.

I've been remarking a lot lately how current trends, led by the FCC, are returning America to the 1950s.

Now I realize I was being hopelessly optimistic with that assessment.

For at least in the 1950s, we were allowed a few manly safe havens that didn't have to be 100 percent kid-friendly...

Here's more hopeful fuel, however, bolstering my contention that the strongest enemies of Western Civilization are primarily knuckleheads blinded by religious mumbo-jumbo:

When the Islamic fundamentalists bombed that building in Syria earlier this week, it caused death and injury, of course.

But it was targeted because it was a former United Nations building.

A FORMER United Nations building. As in NOT a United Nations building NOW.

Then again, this isn't completely happy-go-lucky. You could say it's a wee bit happy-go-unlucky. For they're showing signs of living not in the 15th Century but in the world of a few years ago, anyway...

David Bowie has a stalker.

No interesting news there.

But he's described the stalker to authorities now, having seen him or her a few times, er... dressed as a pink bunny.

I have a bit of advice for any law enforcement folks involved:

Bowie, like many musicians, especially those who came into fame in the '70s, has had his share of trials and tribulations with drugs and alcohol, so you might wanna keep that in mind before calling in the sketch artist...

Since it alters one's perception, isn't the time-honored child's tradition of spinning one's self around to get dizzy in effect a "gateway drug"?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Alisa Tang.

Don't know too much about her. But I'm guessing her taste is out of this world.

And:

Ruby Veal.

Again, don't know much about her. But I'm guessing she has fine calves.

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LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/29/2004:

> Amazing. Did you come up with "jagitudinal liploaf" while, um, researching

> the current Daily Limerick?

>

> (if so, cut me in)

Interesting theory but... By "rolling their own," I actually meant folks rolling their own tobacco.

Really. Not just sayin' that because of Ashcroft and all. You see it more and more every day.

And I don't know when exactly I came up with the term. Years ago, but it's stayed inside my head until yesterday.

But I'm glad that you've recognized the painstaking amounts of, um, well, er, "research" that goes into the limericks. One could sprain a wrist or something, even.

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2004:

A family caught a Cubs game

complained they heard pla'rs wax profane.

If we'll re-live the Fifties

give us back one old gifty:

places men can be men for a change.

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 12 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; start up a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Convince Michelle Kwan that her "career" has hit the point where she might as well start rehearsing for my upcoming spectacular, "Porn on Ice"(with me, of course)! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

And while the FCC continues its walk down 1950s Memory Lane, consider taking in the Howard Stern Show, even if it's not your fave (as it isn't mine, for reasons I'm not going into here and which have nothing in common with those the FCC is dwelling in), as a show of support. That goes for shows, etc. of all "FCC controversial" artists...

What's with all this recent referencing of basketball players as "ballers"?

I mean, when I think of balling I... Let's just say I think of balling altogether too much.

Hmm.

Come to think of it, the name is accidentally appropriate, at least in the NBA. And in college. And, hell, thinking back to high school...

It's a three-day weekend because S&Y says so!

(Which, in S&Y-speak, basically means that I'm unloading, not one, not seven hundred and thirty two, but TWO Extra Cheezy (Friday and) Saturday editions!

Go out ballin'! Or stay in ballin'! But keep your balls in. Unless you're ballin'.

Well, what I mean to say is...

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Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

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On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John "Sloop" Biederman), landed a gig writing "News Limericks" for the Chicago Tribune's new, hip, youth-demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL-as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year-but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list "cock" and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003-which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think-well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that "The Great Colon Cockling of 2003" rolls off the tongue nicely?

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

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If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

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(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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