Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's sixth year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a half-blown attempt at a "respectable" Web site and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event, you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire this service--DO NOTHING! (Damn, I sound like an informercial.) But, I'm serious--should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, too, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have (The) DAILY LIMERICK!

***

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2004:

In my Sunday paper I'm missin'

the USA Weekend edition.

No star worship letters--

cluelessness unfettered--

with dating status of stars dishin'?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Lacking non-SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE nuggets today, I'll leave you with another silly name I use to degrade people (mostly inside my head):

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Earlier in the week, I limerically commented on Howard Dean's speech at the Democratic National Commercial.

Dean started naming places in that Dean-esque way, ala "We're gonna go to New York. We're gonna go to New Mexico..." and I was all psyched, thinking he was gonna re-do that famous bellow.

My advice to Dean, if he's going to pursue higher office in the future, is to re-introduce that scream. After all, he was kinda gypped because, really, was it all that bad? I mean, when I heard that Dean was considered dead meat over the speech, I assumed he'd lost his cool, shouted profanities or...something. Turns out, he just let loose a sound-byte-unfriendly yodel.

So, Howie: The blacks took back "nigger"; the gays took back "queer"--you've gotta reclaim that amusing, Flintstonian howl...

And while I'm on the topic of the Big Commercial earlier this week, after hearing all the hip and once-hip and "hip" and once-"hip" tunes appropriated for the video op, I'm gaining a lot more respect for neutral, easy-to-ignore muzak...

The best things to come out of the Commercial, in my opinion? Teresa Heinz-Kerry made a comment about "drinking away" the stress that the commercial brought her and Barack Obama made a similar comment involving Valium.

Is this a step back for the Pussification of America?... Hmm, in any event, Teresa and Barack, you may want to remember a guy name Willie Nelson, just in case the public glossing-over of these revelations emboldens you to take it a bit further...

Is anybody else out there alarmed that Democratic National Commercial coverage knocked real news off the newspapers' front pages? You know, "real" news? Not planned-out? Unrehearsed? Things that happen for reasons other than "this will make a REAL GOOD soundbyte"?

You know, the type of news that we usually see, er...the type of news that we often see, um...the type of news that we still occasionally see and... Ahem.

Gather 'round, grandkids. I've locked you in--don't bother tryin' to escape--so that I can tell you about some things; should only take a month or so, if we don't sleep more than four hours a night...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Ice Cream Man

At one point in my life, I was dubbed "The Ice Cream Man."

Now, Van Halen remake of the time aside, this name was not given me to indicate an uncanny ability for assuaging the "double overheating" of ladies in summertime.

No, it was because I wore white pants and an off-white shirt one day to school.

I don't quite understand myself, even now.

Although I was assured at the time that it "wasn't a bad thing," to this day, I feel self-conscious when wearing an outfit in all-off-white-ish hues (whites, light greys, what-have-you).

As I did one day this week.

Didn't "cool down" any ladies, however.

Nonetheless, it IS summer, and ladies are dressin'... Well, "Pop goes the weasel," as the song goes.

Poor freakin' weasel.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/1/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Necromancer

What magic have you for me,

Necromancer?

What memories follow black ink

Across curling pages

Of your many books?

I've been watching you closely,

And quietly,

Lest you find me peculiar;

Lest you find me at all.

I do not need your attentions,

My prostrations,

Not even our spells.

What words could you offer,

What draught from a stoppered bottle

Could keep the past free of tears --

Those fleet crystals of pain,

Hanging icicles,

Faces?

I ask but one gift from you.

But that answer

You do not have.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2004:

PETA folk are mostly obtuse

(but ranks include some fine caboose!)

yet their new news breakin'

deserves points for makin'

a sound byte of "chicken abuse."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I hope you're enjoying the second day of National Catfish Month.

I went out and bought some as soon as I heard.

But I'm interested in finding out about this newfangled stuff called... Let me explain: I also read that it's "National Romance Awareness Month."

Oh. Excuse me a second.

["Honey? Yeah, the garbage bags are under the sink--you took the full bag out, right?... Huh? Go to a movie? Babe, I TOLD you--we have SPIKE TV on our cable provider, why pay a buttload of money to... Huh? Dinner? As long as you can cook, why should we fall for that whole 'restaurant' scam? Oh, and, PLEASE, can we participate in those 'marital relations' I've heard so much talk about? After you do the dishes, pop in the 'Girls Gone Wild,' spread yourself on the bed--you know the spiel. Just don't fall asleep THIS time, for once, okay?"]

Ahem.

Anyway, while I think most of the free world knows of catfish, we really need to get the word out about this mysterious "romance" crap...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/2/2004:

> Slightly Belated Congratulations on FIVE YEARS of Limericks! You go, Dude!

>

> The former Goethe

>

> "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the

> morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

> -Robert Frost

I said before that the congratulations would come rolling in around mid-July.

Evidently, they'll be rolling in until the Big Ten Year.

And while I'll agree with Mr. Frost that the brain is, indeed, wonderful, it's not the only organ that... Oh, forgot to read the last part before I started blathering.

The one I was referring to keeps working at the office, as well.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2004:

Local GOP's on its knees

cause Obama's now the bee's knees

and sleaze job by Ryan--

but they're still a'tryin'

so now comes, perhaps... Alan Keyes?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Today's limerick is true: Alan Keyes allegedly "may" take the Illinois GOP nomination.

Now, this would seem to be an obvious fit for Sunday's SUPER "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE, but, well, I'm not sure Keyes can remain newsworthy that long...

In a recent newspaper: Iraq headline, real big; Iran headline, real small.

Those little things can tell a lot. Especially about our overall level of doom.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2004:

What should today's "news limerick" say?

I've got it! (Though said yesterday.)

The GOP, geez

trots out... Alan Keyes?

(He just cracks me up in some way.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

SPECIAL DL/S&YTYS Report:

(For the un-acronym-hip, DL/S&YTYS stands for "Daily Limerick/ Slappin' and Yappin' Told You So.)

Plans are underway, and hotly contested, for a cell phone users "Yellow Pages" type book.

Oh, you'll get yours, eventually...

For those who live outside Chicago... Why, you can just go to the Tribune and/or Sun-Times Web site(s) and see what a radical effect global warming has had on us this summer, I tell ya'...

A&E Special:

"Marijuana and Murder."

Simply HAS to be over Combos...

A guy who plays Tigger at Disney World (or is it Disney Land?) is on trial for fondling a 13-year-old girl while she got her picture with the lovable ol' tiger.

Do I really need to add anything to get a chuckle out of ya' on this one?...

Laughing at Strange Places for No Real Good Reason:

La Banh-Mi Hung Phat.

No, MI hung phat--you just hung ugly.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2004:

Results cause the U.S. to gloat:

Nine in Ten Afghans signed up to vote!

Good start, I agree

(but) true Democracy

comes when most prefer the remote!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Happy National Mustard Day!...

Seriously. It's National Mustard Day. So don't you dare go puttin' any of that blasphemous ketchup on one, even if it is your habit, out of respect for the condiment to end all condiments!...

So now it seems that Mary Kay Letourneau, the 40-something teacher who slept with a boy and caused a whole bunch o' hubbub, including launching a Lifetime movie, is out of prison.

The boy who's life she "ruined"?

He's trying to remove the restraining order that exists keeping her from him.

Now, we're all "gender neutral" and crap as a society, or much closer than we've been throughout history, but I've just gotta say, if you reverse the sexes in this scenario... What a freakin' shame. What a sicko.

However, in this case, I envy the lil' bastard. Who might not be so lil' anymore.

And, why, OF COURSE, he's goin' back for more...

Jen Schefft... Ugh. New low. "Publishing" the name of a "reality" TV person in S&Y.

And one from "The Bachelor," at that.

See, she's one who... Well, "won," at one point, but didn't get married. To the shock of... Well, two or three teens in Des Moines whacked out on goofballs while viewing the final episode.

Anyway, they're, er, "rewarding" her with a starring role on "The Bachelerotte."

This... Er, I... IeeeiiiiIII... Well.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you about a little thing we used to play with called "hope"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2004:

Boy Toy of Mary Kay Letourneau

apparently's now wanting more--ho!

Some for "poor kid" cry

but not chick, he's guy--

the luck dog's young life was a porno!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

U.S. "Drug Czar" John Walters just visited Columbia (and, by the way, that title should never be printed without quotes).

He announced that our War on Drugs efforts there weren't working so well.

Right before he announced that, nonetheless, he sees no reason to stop those efforts.

Accidentally, perhaps, summing up the entire War on Drugs...

Come November, by the way, you might actually see, you know, CONTENT in S&Y.

Although I am placing a "higher 'ERECTION-related'" bar on possible SUNDAY SPECIAL SECTION entries.

But although it's a higher bar, it's still a bar. And it has a way of interfering with good judgment.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2004:

Though Enlightened Age through we're cruising

I hold doors for chicks--that's my choosing.

Rare few are turned off

but lately, dyke scoffed!

That lez things makes it more confusing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

A common slur thrown out by eaters is that a type of fish tastes "fishy."

So... Is it supposed to taste..."beefy"? "Chickeny"?

I'd worry if my ICE CREAM tasted "fishy," but I like my fish fishy.

Unlike my women.

Although... Ahem.

Love Live Cheezy Saturdays!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2004:

Toward U.S., there is much hate-y;

we're "self-centered," "uncaring," "shady."

And yet, I agree

when I hear AC

when the day's damn high don't reach eighty!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Dr. Phil is being sued for discrimination.

It seems that he pre-screens studio audience members and forbids those with a history of mental illness from attending.

Of course, the major hubbub is over a "therapist" not only violating the disability act but, well, doing it as a guy who's supposed to be in the business of helping the mentally ill, or at least the screwed-up.

I have my own hubbub about this, however. I'm wondering how the hell he stocks the audience now...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

As a sign that Afghanistan's democracy is really catching hold, optimists point to the fact that 9 out of 10--that's right, 9 out of 10!--eligible Afghanis have registered to vote in the upcoming elections.

I'm leaning toward siding with the optimists here. They're well on their way to handling a full-fledged, modern democracy. At this rate, they'll be down to the American 4 out of 5 in a mere few years...

For those of you who were thinking those Amazing Technicolor Terror Threat Level Warnings--a lavish musical, perhaps, coming to a theater near you!--were too vague, Tom Ridge has now gotten more specific.

The latest warning is "orange"--just for financial institutions. The rest of us are still at "yellow."

Er, Tom. When folks complained about the lack of specifics they meant, er, well, oh forget it; we're so doomed...

It was revealed this week that 500 port inspector jobs are sitting unfilled. Port inspectors would seem to me to be vital to the War on Terror, but I'm just waxing old school, I suppose.

Now, I knew that government agencies were having difficulties communicating, but I would've figured Homeland Security would have heard that, despite the "booming" economy, it is still a "jobless" booming economy.

Now, if somebody will just declare this job vacancy situation "orange," we might see results.

Well, okay, we'd see endless discussion, anyway...

A new study finds there to be a "disconnect between issues YOUNG WOMEN care about and what candidates discuss." (Emphasis added.)

(Wow! That's the first time I was professional enough to ad an "emphasis added"!)

Ahem.

So, assuming this study focuses on the peculiarities of young women, which I think is a pretty safe assumption, just HOW (emphasis added; whoops--no "emphasis added" necessary here!) does that differentiate young women from any other voters?...

Two headlines, same day (Monday, Aug. 2):

"'01 Recession Might Have Been Figment of Imagination"

So I left a halfway decent job over an IMAGINERY layoff back in late 2001?

Ahem. And the other:

"Downstate Paper Says Moore Used Fake Front Page in '9-11'"

Despite being one of the most divided electorates in U.S. history, the partisanship finds equal ground in disregarding that pesky "truth" crap...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Sunday Story Time is vacationing in Sunny Saskatchewan. And the bastard didn't invite the rest of DL.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/8/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Mike's Accursed Verse is on assignment.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2004:

For the one or two viewers left

the next "Bachelorette" is Jen Schefft.

At finding "Prince Charming"

her skill is alarming

(but at LANDING him, ain't so deft).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I've remarked here before how just about every summer, there is a "pork chop murder" here in Chicago.

That is, a murder OVER a pork chop. Not murder BY pork chop.

Of course, something like that is not funny.

Oh, who'm I kiddin'? It's DAMN funny. As long as you don't know anybody involved, see the murder yourself, etc.

I have yet to hear of a pork chop murder as of yet in Chicago this summer, but I read today that the gruesome sestet of murders down in Florida were over an X-Box.

He had game. He lost game. He murdered and got game once again.

Now, he's got a new game comin' his way, wherein he's gonna end up the bearer of the "x-box" of a whole different sort.

Try as I may, this situation, however, is not remotely funny. Even if the guy had non-gruesomely murdered (or had murdered) just one person over the X-Box.

"Pork chop" trumps "X-Box," any day.

I'll explain it more as soon as the cable-news hounds bring me into the discussion.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2004:

"Mr. Wonderful" blurts a phrase

when squeezed, like "Let's talk feelings, babe."

He isn't the only

12-inch doll for lonely

girls that runs on two double-A's!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Does everybody remember a game called "Bloody Murder"?

It was a kids' game, whereby one guy was the Murderer, and the other players had to run around and do something or other without getting caught by the Murderer. The game entailed a "base," or whatever it was called, which was a safe haven for players because the Murderer was not allowed to go there. I think you were supposed to yell "bloody murder!" at some point, perhaps when you were "caught."

Anyway, with Iraqi insurgents designating certain areas "holy" and off-limits to U.S. forces, we could use a few formerly stellar Bloody Murder players in our forces.

And let that be a lesson to you all--when the exposition for a "joke" is about twice as long as the joke itself, well, it kinda sucks, don't it?...

Phevos and Athena are the two mascots for the Athens Olympics.

They appear to be virtually sexless and free of any ethnic traits. Or human traits. Or even traits of the animal freakin' kingdom.

Which, given the growing corporatization of the Olympics, kinda makes sense. Then again, that means they should rightfully be stark-raving white and middle-aged with greyish hair and glasses (round up any "handshake" photo accompanying a merger story and you'll get the idea)...

The American Bar Association has begun an initiative to implement ways of getting more people to jury duty.

So if you're gonna dump coffee on your lap or something for your "Highway to Success," better get on it.

Then again, we are talking about lawyers here. They have to first form panels and discussion groups and... Oh, go ahead and plot that searing splash to the genitals all you want...

I used to think that horrific taste was largely attributable to being behind the times.

I've recently discovered that terminal tastelessness evolves in it's own way. In noting all those new tennis-style jelly shoes, I realized today that some are wearing them WITH SOCKS. And the girls I saw so bedecked didn't fit the "professor on vacation" profile...

Another cool minor league team name I've uncovered recently is the Clinton Lumberkings.

They're no Kansas City T-Bones, but, hey, I like the president they're setting...

Oh, and that wasn't a typo. It was lame, but it wasn't a typo...

Today, a guy approached me, asked if I was the one who wrote such-and-such article (I was), asked a few more questions and left it at that.

He was somebody personally involved in the story's subject, but left no indication whether or not he was "pro" or "con" on my treatment.

I was prepared, however, for the possibility of an "O'Reilly Factor" breaking out...

Take a moment to mourn the loss of own of DL's own.

Mr. O'Lucky is no more.

He was a giant fiberglass leprechaun in Vegas.

I've gotta take "professional bonds" where I can find 'em...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Ducan Fanfan.

Real windbag.

And:

Rozanski Hip National Park, Croatia.

I think the replacements used to hang out there, but now I'm showing my old school nature.

Huh?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2004:

I grieve comrade Mr. O'Lucky

spent leprechaun's life simply stucky-y

as Vegas mascot--

here's hoping he got

at some point, some nice sucky-sucky.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I was reading today about GOP efforts to round up some Bush-friendly celebrities for their upcoming Republican National Commercial.

Only a name or two on the list of possibles surprised me. But none more than Britney Spears.

This nugget, of course, seems to fit Sunday's SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE to a T, at first glance. Except I have a hunch that many of the possibles, including Ms. Spears, will not be discussed in this manner by then.

So I'll clear this up, once and for all: No, Britney! It's B-U-S-H; not B-U-S-C-H...

Printed on the side of my package of BBQ charcoal:

"CALIFORNIA PROPOSITION 65 WARNING. Combustion (burning) of this product, like other cooking methods, produces carbon monoxide and other substances known by the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects or reproductive harm."

Perhaps amusing now, but when Bloomberg takes action against second-hand ribs...

Titular.

He he.

Love the word.

I KNOW it doesn't refer to anything scandalous.

Unless we're talking about the main character in "The Chesty Lareau Story"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Susan Mart.

I think I'll have the "Dey," as I can't think of any hotter, more current ones right now; all out?--well, then, in honor of Bob Hope, I'll take an Anton, I suppose...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/11/2004:

Quoting yesterday's edition:

> "Rozanski Hip National Park, Croatia.

>

> I think the replacements used to hang out there, but now I'm showing my old

> school nature."

>

> Hey, that's deep.

>

> The former Goethe

>

> (p.s.  Can you imagine Lou Costello saying Muqtada El-Sadr's name to Bud

> Abbott with his unique little accent?)

>

> "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the

> moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until

> you get into the office."

> -Robert Frost

Personally, I think "Muqtada El-Sadr" goes well to the tune of "Hakuna Matada." Arabic names and phrases in general seem to favor the tuneage.

Oh, and I'm gonna stop printing that quote you tack on to the end of your missives. And who the hell is that Jack Freeze joker anyway? Er, Jack Front. That is, Robert Frost.

Oh. Robert Frost.

But... Abbott and Costello? Muqtada El-Sadr? You should be in casting. Or something.

Yes, you should definitely be sealed away somewhere in something.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2004:

The mascots Phevos and Athena--

heard of 'em?--they're on 'Lympic scene-a.

From Bible of P.C.

catching on ain't easy

dull, race-less and anti-obscene'a.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Cracker Barrel is in the news. Seems they're being sued for quite a few things, including racial harassment.

Then again, they ARE conforming to the Truth in Advertising ideal, at least on a titular level...

He hee. Titular...

McDonald's is taking the opposite tact toward Political Correctism.

When I first saw the "See Inside" headline, "McDonald's Fight Back Against Critics," I almost cheered.

Then I read just HOW they're "fighting back."

They're trumpeting their healthy fare.

Somebody oughta let me into the office of Micky D's PR folks. They should've sent out a press release like this:

"It's fucking McDonald's, for Elvis' sake! And we have yet to engage in forcing burgers down the throats of the unwitting public, like other companies, such as, say, Disney"...

The Danish have went ahead and banned a noxious substance, dangerous to all sorts of people, most importantly the damn CHILDREN.

Ephedra? Herbal ecstasy?

No. Er... Kellogg's breakfast cereals.

When was the last time I thanked the Health Nazis for all the fine things they're doing for the world?...

For the benefit of chickie readers, I'll repeat this again:

It is generally rare for a man to go number two in a public toilet. Meaning, the urinal sees much traffic but the actual stall is usually open.

Okay, now I've mentioned that August is "National Catfish Month" and "Romance Awareness Month." But I hadn't realized until today that it was also NATIONAL TAKE A SHIT IN THE OFFICE MEN'S ROOM WHEN SLOOP IS DESPERATELY WAITING TO ENGAGE IN THE ONCE-OR-TWICE-A-YEAR ACTIVITY HIMSELF--TWO OF YOU BASTARD IN A ROW, ON TOP OF IT--MONTH.

Rolls off the tongue nicely, no?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/12/2004:

This is a reply from yesterday's letter writer, to whom I replied, in part:

> "Yes, you should definitely be sealed away somewhere in something."

Well, anyway, it's SOME of the writer's reply, as the missive dwarfed Slappin' and Yappin' in length, hence the disclaimer:

[Letter has been edited to take much of the writer's comments out of context and make him look like a buffoon.]

>

> I'm thinking a gigantic pyramid in the desert somewhere - or in Vegas - with

> all my slaves and concubines sealed in with me.

>

> Come to think of it, that IS Vegas, isn't it.

>

> Ex-Goethe

> Ironic we should be discussing (for lack of a better word) Las Vegas, which

> has been in the Terrorist Times (a special supplement to your Sunday paper)

> lately.  In seven years of cubicle living, I've had three different

> locations to call my own (my own padded cell, perhaps)... First I was...the 

> beacon  on the Playboy tower ... Next, I was ... the envy of my peers... Martha

> Stewart! And thanks to a terrorist... I have the look and feel of... a... pack

> of  matches from the Golden Nugget... Oh, yeah.  Seal me in a pyramid in Vegas.

> I'll be happy.  Be sure to include my fake tree.

As soon as we remove those semi-sharp fake needles, you can have your tree. But we are taking away your Daily Limerick privileges.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2004:

Upcoming GOP Convention

seeks some celebs for the news mentions.

Name float: Britney Spears?

Though they've gotta fear

by two weeks, might lose her attention.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I don't know why this just hit me, but if you've ever perused the open mike listings in your local papers, you know that places like Borders and Barnes & Noble are likely to include a disclaimer about "keeping in mind that families with children will be present."

Meaning that bookstores are the most likely censors where open mikes are concerned.

Which is, of course, the time-honored role of the bookstore. In places like Stalinist Russia, anyway...

Last night I hosted a live music, etc. extravaganza for a Cable Access show, "The Flabby Hoffman Show" (I'll let you know when it airs). At one point, an unruly poet (or is that redundant?) who had missed her time slot basically "took over." Against the wishes of the producer, Mr. Flabby Hoffman himself, she took the stage.

It was perhaps the world's first "poetry coup."

And a helluva lot uglier than Pakistan's signature "bloodless coups," I might add...

Has anybody ever seen a live band and been able to discern the lyrics whatsoever?

Just asking.

More fuel for my eventual metamorphosis into a complete and utter curmudgeon: CDs and MP3s have been invented. No need for live music anymore.

Although, er, that would put me out of hosting gigs.

I'll be a curmudgeon, I guess. The rest of you just smile. Ya' bonelaps.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2004:

Now, my upstairs neighbor, I'd do--

and when I've grilled, her interest's grew.

So while I'm thinkin' sex

with daydreams triple X

it seems hers are likely "triple Q."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Kelly King Dibble.

Get out of his/her path, lest you be a Dibblecrosser.

Pppppp.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2004:

Post Nine-One One recommendations--

from Committee, formed by our Nation--

numbered forty-one;

ignore 'em, THAT's done--

back to same political stations!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

So, the U.S. Team was subject to a few boos and such during the big Olympic opening ceremony.

You know... Ahem. It would seem that... Hmmm.

It's getting more and more difficult to justify S&Y nuggets falling outside of the SPECIAL "PULL OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE all the time...

However the Olympics pan out for the U.S., we can take stock in the fact that an American will apparently be breaking a Guinness world record today.

For the number of hours spent watching TV in one sitting.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

I think...

A "see inside" headline regarding the marriage of Fred Savage is on the cover of today's Chicago Sun-Times.

Slow news day? Or has "reality" TV bumped a whole lot of folks up the celebrity ladder?...

There is a magazine called Suburban Woman.

Hmm.

I know people take pride in being either urban or rural, but I didn't think a person existed who actually LIKED the suburbs. Don't you move there when you have kids and realize that, unless you have the cash to put them in an upscale private school, they won't learn the alphabet 'til sophomore year (if lucky) in city public schools?

Anyway, I wonder about the content of these magazines. Actually, I wonder about the type of human being who reads such a magazine, but that's not as amusing a line of pondering, for S&Y purposes.

Perhaps... "12 Ways To Spice Up Your Next Visit to Chili's"?...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

John Kerry, responding to a question asked en absentia by President Bush, said that, turning the clock back a bit, he would still proceed with the Iraq War "knowing what we know now."

In the, er, sorta good ol' days, voters were faced with the simple task of voting for the lesser of two evils. Those days are long gone.

Now we're faced with voting for either the guy who lied for sinister purposes or the guy who's lying in order to present himself as being just as sinister...

Every election period, it seems, activists start harping about how what's REALLY crucial is the appointment of Supreme Court justices. This was especially so for the 2000 election because a few justices were floating around retirement age.

They still are.

So, I'll cry wolf, myself, on this election, but note that the currently nearly-evenly-divided Supreme Court Bunch is planning to hear cases that could lead to rulings on the constitutionality of mandatory sentencing.

Mandatory sentencing--you know, the laws that put good-lawyer-less po' folk away 20 years for blowing a doob? And put child molesters away for... Five years.

Then again, I don't know whether Bush or Kerry would be better in this arena. They have gay marriage and abortion to keep us divided over; support for the Prison Industry is just another example of bipartisanship in action...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Pigball/Half a Frozen Pizza?

A comic strip is currently running a "plotline," of sorts, in which fast food employees are playing a game called "Foodball."

Which reminded me of a sport I made up once called "pigball."

See, there was a kid in my classes throughout grade school named... Well, he had a pig nose, which was a constant source of imagination and amusement for us. He was the type of guy who... Well, once we gave him a grundy pull--wedgie, whatever you call it--and yanked the band of his underwear clear up over his head.

Anyhow, I made up a far-off solar system whereby he and his kind lived on a piggie planet, of sorts. And on this planet, they played pigball. I didn't invent too much of the details (whadday you take me for, a Klingon speaker or something?), but the field was full of mud and the "ball" was a ham sandwich. Oh, and there was a penalty for eating the ham sandwich, which was a not uncommon occurrence in pigball. I think I made up a few teams, too.

Today, the game actually sounds kinda fun to me. Aside from the blasphemy of voluntarily placing a ham sandwich in mud's way.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/15/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Breaking the fast

Stop asking me the ordinary.

Surprise me with words --

Write a little poem to the air.

Let conversation be a bond,

Not blunt stabs

And self-interested bleating.

Give me something inspiring:

Delineate a haunting dream,

A tunnel of echoes.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2004:

Chick volleyball watching has meant

I watch playing my own event.

While at it I'm leering

go orienteering

or, well, at least pitching a tent.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

If you beyond sorta keep up on the news, you know that a Muslim militia in Sudan has been engaging in genocide, or at least near-genocide, against the black population there. The U.N. and Arab League have both taken an interest and it appears that the government either supports the killings outright or at least seems to be looking the other way.

The U.N. recently gave the Sudanese government 30 days to put a stop to this.

Now, I'm on the side of the smelly bonged-up protestors on this one: We should be readying to do SOMETHING about these atrocities. Not of course that we personally, meaning the U.S., can do much of anything because all of our military resources are off in Iraq because... Well, pay attention to the presidential campaign if you want to know "because"--and let ME know if you figure out why.

But 30 days? To "stop" a situation with complex, historical roots? Seems to make for quite a daunting task. Perhaps they mean that if Sudan doesn't enact some sort of plan within 30 days, the U.N. will, well, the U.N. will... Hmm.

Vote on another official condemnation, I suppose...

Next time you see a newspaper story about a kid caught up in a school's bureaucracy and/or political correctness, charged with a silly crime or something of that nature, look for the "Mad Mom" in the background (behind the kid).

Yup. She'll be standing there, arms crossed across her chest, making a face like the bass player in a metal band leaning against a brick wall.

The "Mad Mom" has joined the clichéd photo club, along with the "Grin and Grab" (showing an award-winner being given his/her award amid a handshake) and a bunch of others I've forgotten about since my college journalism classes.

So, well into the foreseeable future, we're gonna have to get used to the "Mad Mom" shots, just like the file photos of African refugees accompanying the Sudan genocide stories...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Harold H. Tittmann III.

I guess grandpa knows breast.

And:

Indian Home Minister Rockybul Hussain.

Something tells me he's still stuck on the Communist thing...

Ugh.

But at least today I have the excuse of feeling like complete and utter crap. Now, to only come up with 364 more...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2004:

A dame was so fine, name of Megan,

turned men to dogs--droolin' and beggin'.

The bod on that girl

is out of this world--

and I'd like to play some "Carl Sagan."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I fully realize that today is not a Cheezy Saturday, what with the "traditional limerick" (pleasing the professorial, patches-on-elbows literary crowd)--but you could say I was inspired.

Yes. Hollywood may not celebrate the lives of limericists, but we, too, work with the fickle force of inspiration. And that's not always a visit to Nantucket, either...

Speaking of inspiration, I lost my Idea Notebook AGAIN last night.

But when I returned from the office today, I found a message from somebody who found it and now I have it back.

I'd say it renews my faith in the human race, but if the gentleman had actually LOOKED at the content and STILL returned it to the rightful owner, well, perhaps this anecdote does just the opposite...

Okay, I KNOW that the Greek Olympians who were in an "accident" and all that crap are certainly pushing the limits of boneheadism.

But is anybody else worried that the War on Drug Users has just stepped beyond its regular "guilty 'til proven innocent" and proceeded to "guilty for just MISSING a drug test."

I'm trying to look at the "bright side" here. I guess there are numerous Amendments in the Bill of Rights for a reason, and most of them are still relevant...

A woman gave birth to two sets of twins the other day.

Some "experts" quoted in a story about it that I read claim the odds of such a thing are "1 in a million."

But I get the feeling nobody's factored in the effect of rampant fertility drugs.

But, hey, at least some efforts being made to assuage the world underpopulation problem...

The governor of New Mexico wants to reopen an investigation into, ahem, aliens in Roswell.

This is all part of the new logic. And, you never know, perhaps THEY have Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction...

Read today about genocide in Burundi.

With the genocide goin' down in the Sudan, one more and reporters can call it a "trend" or "invasion."

Don't expect any military doings to help rectify the G Word, though. A plan for correcting it has barely begun and, so far, there's no questionable evidence of WMDs tossed about carelessly...

Costco is selling caskets.

This would be a good time for tasteless Sudan/Burundi jokes so, as long as I've wallowed into this tasteless area, just consider the jokes made...

Stop the Broadway-tization of classic movies and musicians. Just fuckin' stop it, I tell you!...

A "Help Wanted" ad in my newspaper today starts with: "Lumpers Needed."

There's a joke here. Now if only the Slappin' and Yappin' part of my brain could benefit from that limerick inspiration...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/17/2004:

> Feelin' a little sick?

Now, I'm not sure if this is a reference to yesterday's limerick, on the topic of women's volleyball, or if it's legitimate concern over the fact that I didn't feel so well yesterday.

Hmm. When I think of the Daily Limerick readership, I think... Okay.

Hey--if I'm the only one titillated by women's volleyball, why are all the TV stations completely obsessed with it?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2004:

Frightening--but it's on the pub scene:

Suburban Woman magazine!

Content? (Ooh, the Willies.)

What--rate the best Chili's

and sections like, "Black Folk We've Seen"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Headline in today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Cops Won't Block Risque 'Puppetry.'"

The story refers to the "performance piece," "Puppetry of the Penis."

Now, at first glance, this headline would seem to be on the order of, "Mayor Refuses to Lynch all Chicago Blacks After Letter from White Supremacist." There was a guy named Lenny Bruce in the '50s and... Retro. Very retro.

Even more alarming, however, was a fact I picked up in reading the story: Boston has banned the "piece."

So, Boston has banned a "play," banned public smoking because of "secondhand smoke" and is probably looking into outlawing the very real danger of "cooties" as I type this, all of which led the Democrats to find it the perfect place for their big National Commercials before the election that less than 40 percent of registered voters will participate in because... Sigh.

And we're trying to install democracies WHERE, exactly?...

Speaking of the human race being doomed, a Segway store is opening up in Chicago, right on Michigan Avenue...

Something else from today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Correction: Wheaton College is located in Wheaton, IL. A story in Tuesday's Sun-Times misidentified its location."

By the way, have they ever figured out just who the hell is in Grant's tomb?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2004:

New York's off'rin' protesters perks.

How the hell can "new protest" work?

Their mainstreaming quest

for Civil Unrest

has me long for when we were "jerks."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Now, here's the story today's limerick refers to:

New York City and its tourism bureau are offering special room rates and other perks to Republican National Commercial protesters.

I would call this a "dis" to American Protest overall, but in actuality, it's actually helping to REMOVE a "dis"--namely, the one in "Civil Disobedience."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2004:

The prime terror facing our nation

is that of cultural persuasion--

they're turning, those pricks,

best books, tunes and flicks--

to bombs through a Broadway-tization.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

So, now Joe Piscopo is poised to run for governor of New Jersey.

Let's see... Ahnold... Before that, Jesse Ventura... Something with the muscle obsession?

What bothers me most about this, however, is that, if we're not going to escape the growing celebrity-zation of politics, can we at least have our rulers be actors, instead of, well, "actors"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2004:

Ideally, I'd want in our Prez

use of technique everyone says

through a hip new term--

leaders should stand firm

and promote the Dirty Sanchez!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Hey, hadda throw "Dirty Sanchez" into one of these babies, considering it's become all the rage.

And if you don't know what the ol' DS is, well, you lucky bastard...

I think I've already mused in S&Y, perhaps for Sunday Story Time--I really need to double check these things, cruisin' toward a "professional" Web site and all--about the time I shaved my facial hair to match a picture I had of Edgar Allan Poe. Then, I road the bus to the grocery store and back, enjoying some rather interesting looks from others. I got home, looked in the mirror and found I looked like Hitler. I didn't sport that particular look for long.

Well, so now you've read the story twice, even if one was a crappy version of it, but here's my tip for today's Cheezy Saturday Edition:

When you're shaving, give yourself a Hitler. Just briefly, you know. Shave that little mustache off as the last part of your growing expedition.

There you have it. Enjoy!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2004:

The most fright'ning p'litical fad

is, 'tween the kickings in the nad

they apologize

for ads from their side:

They don't e'en control their own ads?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Tucked "into the back" of news coverage lately is a little story about all sorts of missing documents at a New Mexico nuclear facility.

In short, we're talking NUCLEAR facility. We're talking FISHING DOINGS. We're talking... Slow news day fare.

Perhaps counseling is what's needed to sort out our irrational relationship with WMDs...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I started becoming alarmed when I learned that John McCain had urged Dubya to denounce a political commercial questioning Kerry's military service. Because, of course, they were BUSH'S ads to begin with and... Ahem.

This week, McCain called on Kerry to denounce another ad questioning President Bush's, er, "military service." And, of course, the ads were KERRY'S to begin with and... Ahem.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you of an age where the Figurehead President and his Figurehead Presidential Challenger actually had some clue, and even a say--no, I kid you not, I was THERE--in the political platforms put together by their respective Presidential Focus Groups...

Congrats to everybody involved in this election, by the way, for managing to bring the Great American Divide to a group that has historically been strongly united, our veterans...

You may recall, during the 2000 election hubbub, that alleged actor Alec Baldwin claimed he'd move to Canada if Bush won.

You may also know that some sort of passport snafu is at work, as Mr. Baldwin is still in the U.S.

I read today that Mr. Activist Patriot did his best to avoid the call of jury duty.

"Freedom of Hypocrisy," although not specifically spelled-out in the Constitution, is but one of the many rights we have as Americans--and perhaps the most popular...

A scenario in Illinois mirrors one that is now playing in state election courts across the country:

Democrats and "progressives" are challenging the petitions of Ralph Nader to be on the state ballot, in effect arguing for the "keep third parties off so that we Republicrats can have all the power and perks to ourselves" regulations that are in place. While Republicans--you know, the "evil fascists"--are arguing that third parties deserve an equally advantageous place in our Democracy.

Hmmm.

Strange bedfellows?

Understatement. Unless you're talking Jack Ryan's bed...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Half a Frozen Pizza?

Years back, I was at a bonfire at a friends. You see, where I grew up, a rural-esque region barely considered (at the time) part of the Greater Chicagoland Area, having somebody torch up some wood and crap in his or her backyard and invite people over to drink and crap was a popular social outlet. You could say it was our version of a cocktail party--although nobody really said that, as it's a lousy analogy, other than the drinks and people gathered.

Well one day, when I was amid that awkward just-partied-too-much-at-college-and-had-the-parental-funds-yanked-so-was-stuck-as-an-adult-living-with-the-Ps-again  phase of life, I was heading to a friend's bonfire and my mom gave me a half frozen pizza to take with me and heat up for dinner.

When I arrived at the soiree, my friend's brother was in shock. "A HALF frozen pizza? Who the hell eats less than a whole frozen pizza?"

He had a damn, damn good point. And I've never eaten less than a whole frozen pizza since. Except for a few, rare instances I've been stuck in such a situation, where I somehow had only a half frozen pizza and had to eat something in addition to that in order to fill up. A part of me fears some madman is, at this very second, in a frozen food lab somewhere on the outskirts of Fargo designing a gigantic frozen pizza, which I will feel obligated to eat in one sitting and which will bring my death in a John Henry-esque, folk-tale kinda process.

But that's only a very small part of me that fears that. A very small part.

But, other than the rare exceptions mentioned above, I've never eaten less than a full frozen pizza again.

And I've never washed my left buttock again. But that's a whole 'nother story.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/22/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Music meant more

Their coupling was fierce

And stretched the hours out, torn,

Swirling uselessly around them.

Much could be said of the event,

Its mapping out of human need;

The hunger implicit in action

To live, to live! Breathed the

Obstinate walls, but though they fucked,

The ceiling did not slip back,

Nor did the stars spark bright chips,

Nor did the sky itself tumble down

And meet them there in kicked-off sheets.

Some part of romance died,

But another was revived, and it

Grew. The boy and girl

Breathed, and killed breath chilled

By twilight, they decided

Perhaps another night like this,

Another night in the distance,

Smoking, talking quietly if at all,

Until music meant more than they knew.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2004:

Bushites'd ban that Michael Moore pest

as with "prog" label, Kerry's blessed

but John'd ban those books

giv'n him a crit look--

both need a Constitution test.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Today's limerick perhaps needs a little background:

Some book questioning John Kerry's service in Vietnam, a conservative answer to the fact-challenged partisan genre that has been beating up on Dubya, has appeared, and John Kerry says it should be pulled from bookstore shelves.

Ah, America! Come November, we, The People, get to vote and decide just how we want our entire futures to be screwed into the ground, and by which dangerous idiot!...

My newspaper today refers to Ashlee Simpson as "The Punkier Simpson."

The PUNKIER Simpson? Is that kinda like most hard-hitting "Access Hollywood" "reporter"?...

Now, Modern Science brings us:

Talking Caller ID!

Sound suspiciously like the 25-year-old invention known as the answering machine. But it must be "better," somehow, if only because it requires regular fees to your phone company...

I ordered blue cheese dressing on a salad this weekend, and the waitress asked me whether I wanted it "creamed AND crumpled"?

Which got me thinkin' dirty.

Cream and crumple me, baby!

I think...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Michaeline Lunk.

What Bush Cabinet position is she filling, exactly?

And:

Michael J. Sniffen.

Him, a hound dog and a Tupelo porch, my friends.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2004:

You'd think that bookstores and the likes

toward Free Speech would be quite psyched.

But why's goddamned Borders

instill fascist Order

by censoring their open mikes?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Was there a law past that I'm unaware of mandating that 90 percent of all "indy" films must now be documentaries?...

Yo, journalists, pundits, etc.:

Can we only write about somebody who FITS a stereotype from now on? At the rate they're apparently broken, why, I'm looking for proof that some actually still exist at this point...

And while I'm on the topic of clichés, stop referring to any small group as the "Fab [number]." The Beatles were "Fab," before the homosexuals stole the word, which actually makes it okay for the "Fab Five" of the "Queer Eye" gang--and by the way, what happened to them, or should I shut up and be glad they're gone?--and, well, give this sentence to a schoolkid to diagram and give it back to me, 'cause I don't even remember what the hell my point was, here...

I've finally found another facet of life subject to the same "recovery" rules as addicts!

You see, as a former raging alkie myself, I consider the point of "recovery" to eventually recover, and I consider myself recovered. I don't go to lame meetings to continually dwell in a problem that goes back almost a decade, in the same way I don't commiserate with fellow hernia patients because I had said operation when I was like seven.

Of course, the zillion-dollar treatment industry doesn't consider me recovered. Unlike any other phenomenon that can happen to a human being, addiction somehow is impossible to recover from, according to the industry that curiously makes a whole lot of money telling us all that.

So, what else is continually "in recovery" with no possibility of ever reaching the goal of becoming "recovered"?

City public school systems! Only their "recovery" is much more celebrated...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Ralph Spyer.

Robert Novak ain't the only one printin' names.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2004:

Three cheers for the Red, White and Blue!

Republicrats have managed to

bring us such divide

e'en groups unified

like vet'rans are now fighting, too.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Now it turns out that there may be some truth to a recent Chicago-area rumor, which has probably went nationwide at this point.

A while back, some folks were floating along the Chicago River and a bunch of, well, human waste came cascading down on them.

There was a tour bus above and it was believed that the excrement came from it. The tour bus happened to contain Dave Matthews and crew.

The city is now legally going after Mr. "Somehow I'm carrying the Pink Floyd torch for the pathetically culturally challenged youngsters of today."

So, let's take inventory here: Some folks are sailing along the Chicago River, basically looking for some form of entertainment. Matthews cruises above them and dumps a bunch of piss and poop on their heads.

Now, DL/S&Y has clued you knuckleheads in on a bunch of frightening modern trends over the years. There's the War on Fun. There's the "Age of Such Cynicism that PR Types and the Like Don't Even Bother Hiding Bad Intentions Anymore" (aka "The Movement in Need of a Much, Much Better Name). There's the Coming Cultural Apocalypse and... Well, so much more.

The point is, this little story shows that I may be about to identify another strange modern trend:

The Age of the Metaphors Coming to Life...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Wayne Shorter.

He's hoping to hell they somehow come up with a "Lord of the Rings IV."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2004:

Since Bush rules by "No guts, no glory"

Big Business wants in on his story

so that gov perks flow

and that's why Costco

now has caskets in inventory.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Chicago has a program called, "One Book, One Chicago," whereby the city occasionally (annually?) names a book and everybody in the city is supposed to read it. Because, of course, what we really need now is more conformity.

Anyhow, in reading about the latest selection of the program today, I realized that we have a national model in place, too.

Although the national program's unofficial, it did make me realize that Chicago's is pretty good by comparison. At least on the variety angle.

The national one is usually something by that Goddamned Grisham...

I have mentioned this point before, but never in it's own nugget. So I apologize to the Originality Police out there ahead of time.

Has anybody else noticed that cell phone voicemail helps ensure you WON'T get a message to somebody?

When you have, say, an answering machine, you come home, see the blinking light and thus CHECK your fucking messages. I've stopped counting the times I've have a message NOT get through in our Connected Age because somebody maintains their world connection chiefly through cell phone and doesn't bother to check voicemail.

Just another way that cell phones are actually making our lives LESS convenient (in addition to facts like, oh, you can never fully leave the office with one).

Why, with this friend in question, I would've had to keep calling back until I physically "catch him."

Which is something I haven't had to do since the '80s.

The more things change, the more the stay the same. And grow more annoying.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2004:

George and John turn to John McCain

when ethics points they need to gain.

McCain, though's, a gent

won't win President

as he often uses his brain.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Coming this Sunday... A GRUESOME Sunday Story Time!

Yup.

GRUESOME.

And this isn't some humorous ploy. It's truly the ugliest Sunday Story Time ever...

Slappin' and Yappin', you should know, is a pioneer.

This is possibly the world's first "coming soon" plug placed without any content for it to supplement!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2004:

A poor, hard-up foot-fetished chump

lost his job at a shoe store dump.

First day, in came Gina

a long-leg Latina

and sex-starved, he spoojed up her pumps.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Coming Sunday: The most gruesome Sunday Story Time ever!...

Am I the only one who thinks that, instead of Anderson herself, Pam should've had her boobs write that "novel"?

Might give it more bounce on the NY Times charts.

Ahem.

Now, that's enough of that. We'll nip that punnery in the bud, yes sir... Ahem.

Okay. That's enough of that.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2004:

New Celebritization gist:

Gain fame--bam!--you're a novelist!

I'd only take a look

at "Baywatch Pam's" book

if wrote by her boobs for a twist!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

A Bomb is dropped today--in Sunday Story Time (only in DAILY LIMERICK!)...

(Great. Somehow, "Bomb is dropped today" has translated into the tune to that ol' hippie song, "Time Has Come Today." Enjoy)...

I was reading the other day about some wanted criminal named Jose Ortiz, who apparently still has all sorts of dealings with people and is, in other words, rather gregarious for one "on the lam."

I wondered about the particulars of leading such a life. Always hoping others didn't follow the news TOO closely; picking and choosing just whom from your "former life" you could still associate with, and how, meaning deciding what truths to tell them, which subjects to avoid, where to throw in white lies, where to... And then it hit me:

His name is Jose Ortiz. He's kinda got a built-in nomenclatural camouflage...

There's a man in the Chicago-local news named Steven M. Aubrey. He killed his wife, led police on a chase, yadda yadda yadda, and was shot dead.

What gets me most about this story is his descriptions: "a trucker and part-time stripper living in Aurora."

Now, the Aurora angle only adds to the fun, being the home of "Wayne's World" and all. But even without that, well... I only wish I had such an icebreaker for those cocktail parties when you're asked, "so what do YOU do?"...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

A reminder:

I am still running for President.

You're not gonna find me on your ballot, unless there's a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper out there who's actually ambitious, but you can write me in.

I'm hiring the interns already.

Hell, even if I don't win (and wouldn't that be a shock?), I'm hiring interns...

First, New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey came out of the closet. Or, rather, was yanked out of the closet by a guy who boffed him but now claims to be hetero and... Well, the whole story is more appropriate for "E!" The Hollywood angle is obviously unnecessary at this point.

Anyway, then the guy who plays the organ--and I'm not referring to McGreevey or his "out-er"--and/or spins records and serves as announcer for minor league baseball's Atlantic City Surf was fired for playing "YMCA" and dedicating it to McGreevey.

Now, the cat has his job backs, thanks to the intervention of McGreevey.

You see, only after you're out of the political running do you gain the privilege of being able to publicly use tools like those voter-shunning, politically lethal things called "common sense" and "a sense of humor"...

And, by the way, that's why we're doomed...

So, so doomed...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The D Bomb

It's a semi-known fact that, originally, many fairy tales were... Well, less than "Disney-esque," we'll say. In fact, the original tales behind most popular fairy tales were rather grim (pun not intended but almost unavoidable). You could say these stories fit the Disney corporate model, but not its "official line."

So today, I bring you a grim tale. Perhaps someday it'll be "made happy," animated with ridiculously-buxom-yet-somehow-kid-friendly heroines and an Elton John-laden soundtrack and such.

Now, I don't wallow in my personal life too much here in DL, except where it proves a point and wastes space. Over the years, however, readers have probably figured out a thing or two about the Chief Limericist himself, and one of those things is the fact that I am married.

And so, in the interest of full disclosure and in further proving to you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers that I have nothing to hide, or at least nothing to hide from non-"authorities," I will now reveal that I am maritally separated. Not LEGALLY separated, for whatever that designation entails, but, well... Ahem.

This has been the case for almost three months now. At first, you go into a form of denial over the fact that it's happening. Then you wallow in it a bit, don't feel like talking about it. Then, you adjust a bit, but still avoid actually telling people in your life about it and then... Well, THIS. You start actually telling people who maybe should know (I just told my parents last weekend.)

And I fully realize that, aside from a few new-agey stories of a "break" bringing relationship redemption, separation is really code for Riding the Divorce Train at a Leisurely Pace; a last-minute exercise in denial to "just be sure" and to handle a significant life change with a bit more cushion--"It's not REALLY over; it's just a SEPARATION."

Unless it somehow becomes relevant to the knuckleheadism practiced regularly here in DL/S&Y, don't plan on hearing too many more details. (Although, I'll admit, it might be entertaining on your end when and if I start dating again.) Let's just say that things are civil, we don't have children or much in the way of assets that we can fight over and The Wife's moving out as of September, probably Labor Day weekend. From there, the plan is to wait and see if a couple months' time works some sort of magic before making the Final Decision.

Now, as the old saying goes, there are two sides to every story, but I'm largely excusing myself of fault in this case. I almost WISH I could point to something that I could change--a drug addiction, runnin' around with other women, etc. THEN I could at least make an effort and ensure that the situation wouldn't vex my relationships again. But the core of the problem is the fact that, and Wifey has admitted it, she just "doesn't want to be married." Perhaps "doesn't want to be married TO ME," but, in any event, doesn't want to be married with all it entails which, at my age and all, includes a family in the near future.

This week was our Fourth Anniversary. Took her that long to figure out she didn't want to be married. I'm a little old fashioned and, what the hell, perhaps a bit anal, as I kinda assume it's best to figure out if you want to be married, well, BEFORE you get married.

So there you have it.

Does anybody think this'll somehow make it easier to get Destiny's Child over here for dinner?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/29/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: View in a wire screen

The view is caught in a wire screen,

Imposing structure on the backyard.

We want dimensions to line up

Along the brown-gray grids we hang up.

We fashion their roles -- suspended in sills,

Thin, square faces

Fastened near doors.

They keep the flies out,

Without judgment.

All our thresholds fastened over

Leaves light strained

Like whey through cloth --

Mottling the sun's syntax,

Dissecting clouds by erecting fences.

Space is crowded out.

Distance is destroyed.

Perspective disproportionate.

A stand-in for our silhouettes;

Whose shadow envy chills the room.

Whose lost dimensions call to us,

Which we ignore, sitting by windows,

Reading thick books

In straining light.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2004:

While most are protesting Iraq

for convention, I'm giving flak

o'er use of famed tunes--

those cheezifyin' goons

make me long to hear some Muzak!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Just so you know: That leprechaun-lookin' Irish guy who tackled the Brazilian runner?

DL had nothing to do with that, contrary to public apathy...

NASA and Boeing are currently hard at work developing a flying car.

Hmmm.

Their best estimates place this Jetsons-like development as many decades away. So somebody really, really needs to get to work de-inventing the cell phone in time...

RU-21 is a new drug that reportedly lessens the intoxicating effects of alcohol. Which in turn is causing alcohol awareness advocates (and I'm not talking about the Miller marketing team) to get a little agitated.

For one, they warn about this development possibly causing folks to view alcohol with less seriousness, which makes sense. But... Well, prepare yourself.

Medical (and other) science is reaching a point now where we'll be counteracting some of the negatives associated with history-encompassing vices. It's only a matter of time before do-gooders with nothing better to do begin advocating to keep those vices dangerous...

An actual letter from Sunday's edition of USA Weekend:

"Why don't older stars whiten their teeth? I can't help but notice their teeth are unattractively dark (e.g., Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton in "Something's Gotta Give"). In an industry obsessed with appearances, what gives?" Patti Hart, Bremerton, Wash.

Perhaps I should crank up a DL/S&Y "Idiot of the Month" award.

Not just yet, though. I'm still lit up over this evidence that our letters aren't the most pathetic ones out there...

Speaking of the publication unworthy of cleaning out a peep-show booth with, I was perusing it this weekend and noted a feature on ways of dealing with softball-related emergencies.

(Now's the time for my occasional reminder to readers of my newspaper reading habits: I thumb through EVERYTHING, from ad inserts to "Home" sections to even the damn "Fashion" page--and read only the things that pique my interest--as a means of keeping up on culture at large for alleged "humor" fuel.)

This seemed like information that would be good to know. So I was about to actually read the piece when I realized:

Sure, it might save a life. But could someone really carry on knowing they owed their very existence to USA Weekend?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Heart transplant recipient Lisa Kick.

Evidently.

And:

Harley Shaiker.

Since modern day "Hell's Angels" are mostly upper-middle-class, mid-life-crisis-wracked white guys now, I guess it's not so dangerous.

And:

Harry Laster.

We can all use one of him every now and then, God willing.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/30/2004:

> Man, I'm sorry to hear this news, John. There's no silver lining I can offer

> -- just know that I'm here to waste your time with poems and puns.

>

> Mike

I appreciate your concern after reading Sunday's Slappin' and Yappin', for me and for the world, but it's really true.

Still running for president. Life goes on.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2004:

Many love flicks dubbed as bein' "indy"

which bring rare originality.

When was the law signed

'quiring their design

to mostly be documentaries?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

Thus, a "real" Web site is coming, with a Fall Launch Party, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

As my life heads in unplanned-for, yet challenging, directions, I find myself learning about topics I never thought I would know too much about.

For instance, here's a little something I just learned:

Renting "Sex in the City" DVDs is one female answer to the red sports car...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Candice Trees.

Now I can't confirm this first-hand, but I've heard she's a real bough-wow.

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things post-graduation--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John "Sloop" Biederman) landed a gig writing "News Limericks" for the Chicago Tribune's new, "hip," youth-demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL--as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year--but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list "cock" and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for honey jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003--which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think?--well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that "The Great Colon Cockling of 2003" rolls off the tongue nicely?

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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