Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

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***

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2004:

The age-old wisdom about diets:

They don't work, so wise folks don't try it.

Exercise, nutrition

Works--but our schools' mission

shows bureaucrats still tend to buy it.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2004:

A note on today's Daily Limerick:

The schools have largely cut P.E.--and yet they're cracking down on specific foods?

Get it?

A limerick, like many forms of literature, works best when you don't have to explain it, but, well, there ya' go...

HAPPY SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!...

And, frankly, I don't give a shit who wins this year.

That's right. There's a game, in addition to the much-anticipated commercials...

Now, I meant to mention this in S&Y when I first heard of it, but growing forgetfulness caused me to screw that up, although there's a chance I did already mention it and I'm forgetting, which only serves to bolster the "growing forgetfulness" theory anyway.

So without further ado, and apparently after much ado, here it is:

This Super Bowl will feature a side contest among "male enhancement" companies, fought through commercials.

I'm just boggled over the popularity of these enhancers. Or, more appropriately, over the rampant need for them.

The Manly Event of the Year is thus being used to fix an epidemic of unmanly situations.

I'm having a hard time coming up with a witty closer for this one.

I keep hoping for something to come to me as I type out this nugget, knock on wood. To no avail. 

But I'll try to keep a stiff, er, upper lip...

I just discovered this week that, due to an error in the way I cut and paste and set up DL editions for the typing, "Mike's Accursed Verse" had been labeled with "2003" in the date for all of January. The rest of the Sunday editions were labeled correctly.

So I guess you could say that Mike's Accursed Verse has been oh-so-slightly "old school" lately...

Vincent D'Onofrio is suing Madonna and Guy Ritchie for stealing the idea to remake "Swept Away" from him.

I have a hunch that he's interested in more than just splitting the $3.50 the film made.

He wants some of the, er, "fame."

Now, until recently, it wouldn't make a lot of sense for somebody to go out of his way to gain, well, the type of fame that a movie like Ritchie's "Swept Away" brings.

But D'Onofrio's quest is a much more respectable way of pursuing the ol' Fifteen Minutes than is going on a "reality" show...

McDonald's is actually pursing the idea of "adult happy meals."

You may recall that S&Y suggested such a thing last year. Only, according to my idea, the prize was of an "adult," as opposed to adult, nature. And I'm kinda doubting that McD's will do such a thing.

For a prize, they will instead probably include... Gee, I don't know.

But tickets to "Porn on Ice" would be a fine idea...

From a late-night commercial on an Unidentified Cable Channel (UCC):

"Lost your phone due to unpaid bills?"

However, it wasn't followed up with: "...But you're obviously still paying your oh-so-crucial CABLE TV BILL, ya' freakin' loser"...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Here's yet another de-endorsement of Howard Dean:

After losing the Iowa caucuses, the Man o' the Flintstonian Yell, perceiving that a new strategy might be in order, decided to hire some different blood for his campaign.

Including a top dog from Gore's 2000 campaign.

That's right. Now that it's boiling down to a contest of "Who's most likely to beat Bush," why not hire a guy from a team that advised Gore to DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM THE MOST POPULAR PRESIDENT IN RECENT MEMORY...

Study: Young People turned off by elections.

My, my my. So under-35 voting rates might be, what, 1.5 percent as opposed to 2 percent this year?...

I Hate to Say I Told Ya' So But Will Anyway:

Overheard Bill O'Reilly this week chastising the Democrats for not rallying behind HIS favorite Dem candidate: Joseph Lieberman.

I've noted other signs since pointing to conservative respect for the ol' guy from Connecticut who spent much of the So Amazingly Inept it was Actually Impressive 2000 Election Failure rallying against Hollywood.

Then again, conservatives were all smiles for the last election, considering it was between an Elephant and an Elephant in Donkey's Clothing...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) For No Real Good Reason:

Chef Mark Stanky.

Actually a fine chef, although some undoubtedly urged him to go into aromatherapy.

And:

Mounds View (a Minneapolis area neighborhood).

Sounds like they have a public swimming pool there.

Sunday Story Time: "Es" and the "F+"

In my grade school, the grading scale utilized an "E" instead of an "F."

That's about the story. Sorry about that.

Oh, but I do remember much laughter over a kid who, responding to teasing, countered, in all seriousness, "But it was an F PLUS, not just an F!"

Occasionally, you're treated to a Sunday Story Time that's humor best falls under the "you had to be there" technique.

Well, more like the "you had to be there and in an eight-year-old frame of mind" technique.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/1/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Keys to the kingdom

I hold the keys to the kingdom,

but all the windows are shuttered.

And none of the keys, thickly looped,

are marked.

Useless, sculpted-tooth metal.

Light plays off their obstructions,

duplicating rainbows in the swamp

of leaking garbage by the curb

of every street.

I let them fall.

They pirouette blithely on the surface,

settling against their metal ring --

then sinking below, burying entry

to those who would search through this clutter.

It occurs to me, walking away,

sun scooping golden along the roofs,

the morning air a particular chill,

that for all the effort in acquiring these

I should have asked for a map.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2004:

Today is the Groundhog's big day;

his view will bring "aww" or "hey hey!"

Seems unscientific

but the method fits in with

those of Tom Ridge and the CIA.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2004:

Happy Groundhog Day!

Now, does anybody know, concerning those "all holiday" lights for which you can change the color for each holiday, what today's color would be?

Brown for the Groundhog? Black for his shadow?...

Headline in my newspaper today:

"Stampede During Muslim Hajj Ritual Kills 244 Faithful."

The year 2004. And religious ritual is still considered unquestionably beneficial to society at large...

Saudi Hajj Minister Iyad Madani says that, although all possible precautions were taken, "this is God's will."

So, other governments DO have more foolproof stock excuses at the ready...

Whaddaya know?

Bush approves of an investigation into U.S. intelligence that led us to the Iraq war--but he wants it to include all sorts of other intelligence missions, including a look at our North Korea files.

Conveniently, this makes for a long process that will curiously take until well after November for the results.

So this investigation will get help from something on the order of "Levitra" or "Viagra" or take-your-pick, helping to cure Bush of electile dysfuction...

As a member of the Authors Guild, I receive its quarterly journal, which also includes a message from the president, currently Nick Taylor.

Taylor's missive for the Winter issue is a "year-end gratitude and resolutions for the book world" type essay as, although it makes it through the mail closer to February, is the most appropriate issue for such musings.

One of the "bad" things Taylor names is the continuing onslaught of political correctness. (He evidently missed the VH-1 show a couple years ago that officially declared political correctness dead.)

But later, in touching on the "good things," he mentions the increase in the diversity of literature, including works by "African-American, Asian, Latino and Latina" writers.

He included both "Latino" and "Latina" because, evidently, although they'd both be covered under the "Latino" rubrick, that wouldn't be politically correct...

Just goes to show you that, like disease, no matter how you fight it, political correctness can still work its way into your life and work, as it evolves and metamorphs to work its sinister purposes...

One of the subheads in a "Ask Heloise"-type homemaker column of tips I read in Minneapolis:

"Keep alcohol handy."

That's sound great--but are you sure the house will get cleaned that way?...

I try to be up-to-date on all sleazy matters, but a "massage" ad is perplexing me lately.

It brags that their establishment serves many things, including "DUMB/FETISH."

Is "DUMB" an acronym? Is there enough of a turn-on over stupid women to call it a fetish?

As I said, I try to keep up on these things, but I'm currently feeling blind, deaf and stupid...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Lucas Blood.

He's so vein.

And:

Soccer's Shannon Boxx.

I try to view her as more than a sex object. I really do.

And:

The NHL Thrashers' Chris Tamer.

It's no use throwing him to the lions.

And:

Camille Gusty.

Fractured a bone and broke wind.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2004:

Though Justin's play'n "Just-lost-my-cool" twit

in baring Jan's inducing-drool tit

it does make me wonder:

If that were a blunder

why did she take time to bejewel it?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2004:

My newspaper today carries news of local, second-rate groundhog Stormy seeing his shadow--but where's all the coverage of Punxsutawney Phil I so looked forward to?

Damn primaries...

By the way, let me know if YOU know. Like you were SUPPOSED to do about the "DUMB/FETISH" thing but, well, call me a perpetual pessimist on all fours...

The Democrats are ripping into George Bush for pulling the old "The Budget will be balanced years after I leave office" trick.

You may recall that, four to eight years ago, the GOP was ripping into Clinton for the same thing. But the Dems weren't. And the GOP isn't ripping Bush now, curiously, either.

Budgets exist in the eye of the non-office holders...

Now that we've all found out that the Catholic Church is kinda like a reverently sanctioned Neverland Molesto-Park, the Church here in Chicago is cryin' poor and asking Catholics to tithe 10 percent of their income.

You could say the Church is taking off the kid gloves. In addition to other things those kids are wearing...

An "inside plug" headline from my Chicago Sun-Times today:

"Evanston Expert Says Survival isn't Like 'Survivor.'"

Damn! And I thought it was all downhill from here, having developed the iron stomach to eat bugs, the lack of shame to toss off my clothes willy-nilly for no apparent reason and the misguided resolve to appear on TV in any manner possible...

Maryland basketball coach Gary Williams is admonishing fans to stop using profanity at their games.

We're talking sports. Overgrown, oft cerebrally challenged men running around sweating in shorts.

"Have some class," he asks.

I don't know about the gays, but this Sinister Metrosexual Agenda is scaring the piss out of me...

Splotto.

I think it'd make a great term for... Well, you figure it out...

Okay, so first I decided I wouldn't even address the Janet Jackson/Curly Girly Justin Nipple Incident.

Then I figured a Daily Limerick--today's--and a bad one at that--would be sufficient.

But, as you well know, the mere sight of a nipple destroys young lives instantaneously. It's kinda like Medusa's glare.

But nobody's discussing what's really important: The quality of the nipple.

And, I must say, that is a finely browned, perfectly sized model she's sportin'.

Plus, the game was in warm-ass Houston. We needed a little nip in the air to make it feel like football...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Lilian Plank.

Don't fall for that "Walk Lilian" trick.

And:

Rhonda Thrower.

Must be somebody's old flame.

And:

Steven Sack.

He's mostly nuts.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2004:

Now Janet's nip happens to be

main topic of society.

Why focus our chatter

on trivial matters

like Ricin attacks on D.C.?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2004:

Two former U.S. surgeons general are suggesting a federal $2 tax on each pack of cigarettes to stop people from smoking.

This leads me to issue to edicts (if religious leaders can do it, why not S&Y?):

1.) If you're in desperate need of money, or a career change, or, hell, even if neither applies to you, consider entering the cigarette black market. These clowns need to be reminded of a little thing called Prohibition and how swimmingly that went.

2.) I'd also like to announce the formation of the People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves, or PWDWPFT.

I'm taking ideas for a catchier name. And suggestions (still) as to what "DUMB/FETISH" means...

I read today that, after the Super Bowl Fine Nipple Incident, which remarkably hasn't raised our terrorist threat color level despite the fact that you'd think it did due to the hubbub, the Grammies are considering instituting a "delay" system, whereby the broadcast is delayed for a couple seconds to allow certain incidents to be covered-up, should the need arise.

Now, here's where I show my "objectivity":

While I feel that the only problem with Sunday's display is that Janet didn't show us the OTHER hooter, any hubbub-averse entertainment network should be regularly employing a delay for any live broadcast whatsoever, as you never know what might happen. Even Ted Koppel could have a heart attack and utter an uncharacteristic profanity, for instance.

For the rest of us, a little thing called The Internet would've brought us the nipple (which, did I mention, is a fine, fine nipple) anyway...

Pamela Kaichen robbed six banks shortly after September 11, 2001, to the tune of around $40,000.

The judge gave her four years in the clink out of a possible 7.5. And there was a reason for the leniency.

Kaichen's lawyer claimed that she was led to the crime spree due to the horrors of volunteering for victims and survivors in New York right after the attacks. In fact, she was even going to use the stolen money to help victims and their families. Although the money was still in her car when she was busted.

My "The Lawyers Are Ruining Our Society" alert level remains at Orange...

Just a reminder:

Tionda and Diamond Bradley, poor, black children reported missing in the summer of 2001, now haven't been seen for 2 1/2 years.

Okay. Now return to worrying about the likes of missing, upscale white folks like Laci Peterson...

Read yesterday of a theory that many punk rockers are disgruntled wannabe metalheads. (In general, metal requires more musical technique to play, whereas punk--and, by the way, Good Charlotte does not qualify--thrives on an "expression trumps technique" philosophy.)

As a recovering metalhead still coming to terms with, and at this point accepting of, the past, this is a feel good...

Here's a phrase that should cause you to consider leaving the open mike you're at IMMEDIATELY:

"What is the chorus?... It's been awhile since I've been up here..."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2004:

Though still lost to Groundhog's prognosis

the Janet Tit Sighting, it shows us

no clue, end of winter,

but provides one hint, here:

six more months of prudent psychosis!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2004:

Okay, enough about The Boob. Enough, enough already!

Already, have I mentioned, it was a rather fine boob...

Oh, well. The news keeps drawing me back to that fine, nicely browned and smartly bejeweled nipple.

From the coverage (of the lack of coverage), you'd think WWIII had started. But, come to think of it, if Helen of Troy's mere FACE started the Trojan War, well... Ahem.

But there is a lacy silver lining on this sexually repressed cloud: With mammary, er MEMORY of the event still fresh in mind, the NFL is canceling a planned appearance by some other N'Syncer at the upcoming Pro Bowl. (My mind may remember useless trivia, and forget important facts, without regard for my wishes, but it's good to know that it only recalls the name of ONE of them.)

It's kinda like the laws of matter--you know, how it can neither be created nor destroyed? One boob flops out, another is put away. Hopefully, this time, for good...

Donald Rumsfield said yesterday that, rather than launching a full-out investigation into U.S. Iraq-related intelligence now, we should take more time to fully search for the WMDs.

More time, hmmm? Say...until the first Wednesday after the first Monday and Tuesday in November, perhaps?...

How 'bout that Massachusetts Supreme Court calling for allowing homosexuals the right to marry?

All I have to say on the matter is: Can we retire the term "activist judges" now?

What the hell does it MEAN? As opposed to... Inactivist judges?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2004:

I maintain--go 'head, call me perv--

that Timberlake didn't deserve

Janet's areola

so tanned--as payola.

'Twas easy as some "Brown 'N' Serve"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2004:

The St. Louis Rams' Kurt Warner, who sat on the bench for the entire 2003 season, has issued a public apology for statements he's made recently.

He didn't say anything politically incorrect. He didn't babble about Janet's finely browned... What the hell is with this "finely browned"? Damn. I'll officially knock it off now. It overtook me. Sorry.

Ahem.

Warner apologized for accusing Rams' higher-ups of benching him because of his Baptist beliefs.

Warner had little to back his accusation up with. A coach did tell him at some point that his near-constant religious studying was interfering with a proper professional football training schedule.

The guy IS getting paid an awful lot of money for football. You'd think... Well, my argument doesn't matter. Warner is APOLOGIZING for leveling this accusation.

Yeah. You got that right. The Rams' DID NOT stumble over themselves and issue an apology within seconds. Warner apologized TO THEM.

I'm hopin' this way of looking at things becomes a trend...

The "American Veteran Awards" exist.

That's all I need to say.

But, of course, I'll say more.

"What do we need to improve our military in these uncertain days of terror and war?" somebody in high places asked. "We need the military to be more like the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY," he answered, to himself, which says something by itself, don't you think?...

A "Correction" in today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Due to a production error, a headline on Thursday's Auto Show section was cut off. It should have read 'What a Concept.'"

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm the type of guy who always wishes that newspapers would also print the initial, error-ridden sentence or what-have-you with the correction. For amusement purposes.

I happen to have yesterday's edition:

"What a Con-"

He hee...

A few years back, Chicago launched a public art program called "Cows on Parade." A mold was made for a cow statue (I think of fiberglass) and various businesses, galleries, etc. around town would purchase a cow from the city, hire an artist to paint it/decorate it/etc. and place it somewhere around town, usually in front of their business.

Other cities have actually copied this strange ritual in the Worship of the Corny. Some did cows, some did other animals or characters. (St. Paul did a different Peanuts character each year for a few years, for instance.)

Chicago has tried sequels itself. But nothing has worked like that damn cow to send a thousand gaggles o' tourists all around downtown, especially in the summer months.

Now I read that Mickey Mouse will be the next statue in a sequel.

Some big Walt Disney birthday or something is coming up. And ol' Diz has some sort of Chicago connection.

I only have one word to say about it:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!...

Okay, I can't resist:

What kind of Mickey Mouse city does a thing like that?...

Here's something I wrote in my Notebook o' Ideas today, which I carry around to jot down phrases for things I may be writing in the near future, like Slappin' and Yappin', which I always use my Notebook o' Ideas for.

Here's something I wrote today:

"God is that blonde hot!"

Curiously, something not intended for Slappin' and Yappin', exactly. And something highly, and I mean highly, out of the ordinary for me. Especially considering it's the first time I did it.

Don't ask.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2004:

Each new thing technology's brought

with Big Brother issues is fraught.

But, take "Watchful Tivo"--

Orwell didn't know evil'd

have marketing lead the onslaught.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2004:

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Gene Schlickman.

Yes, he has no bananas. But he still has a'peel.

And:

Kate Breakey.

God, how I hope that her heart is not achy. Because that would make it, not an "achy JONES heart" but an "achy..." And, well, that could put that one song in your head and... Whoops!

Sorry.

(If it's any consolation, I did it to myself, too.)

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2004:

Now, Howie Dean can be confusing;

despite his electoral bruising

he's cov'ring his Johnson--

waiting 'til Wisconsin

to even admit that he's losing.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2004:

Why does "AFV" (the catchy new name for "America's Funniest Videos," hoping to pull in some folks who know the original name too damn well and are right-mindedly avoiding it) even bother with a host?

It's not as if anybody with half a brain and/or over the age of eight can't isolate the not-so-subtle stylings of a laugh track within seconds of tuning in. So it's not like they even need the live audience.

Then again, perhaps the current host proves helpful in making those videos actually look funny in comparison...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and predict that John Kerry will win the Democratic nomination.

But it's not on the basis of the fact that he's already won every primary or caucus but two. No, it's the fact that he won Arizona and New Mexico.

Meaning, he's got the old folks' vote and, again, who're we kidding by pretending that any other demographic is really voting?...

However, I'm still reluctant to endorse Kerry--although, really, I don't plan on endorsing anybody, with the possible exception of Alfred E. Neuman--for a number of reasons.

Recently, he denounced the Massachusetts Supreme Court's ruling that gays should be allowed to marry.

Then, naturally, he turned around and endorsed the ideal of "civil unions."

Which only proves that he's (sigh) a real politician. Which is a good sign for the Dems, in some ways, considering only a real politician has a chance of beating Bush.

Nonetheless, I find it disturbing when politicians manage to take a stand endorsing both sides of an issue...

And it's once again time for another endorsement-wrapped-in-a-de-endorsement for Howard Dean:

Dean again brought a refreshing dose of Normal People Thinking to the campaign in declaring that the now infamous Super Bowl Nipple Incident, which entailed a finely browned... er, sorry... anyway, Dean said, in so many words, that too big of a deal was being made of it.

Yay!

The next day, I pick up the newspaper and read that Dean thinks we should convert to the metric system.

Huh?

Perhaps he was misquoted earlier in the campaign and really dubbed himself a "metricsexual."

Which would be... Er... I don't know. But it might explain that Flintstonian Howl, I suppose...

Speaking of the metric system, I was constantly told in school, as a '70s child, that we'd all be on the metric system by the time we were adults.

We were also told that soccer was going to be big...

Although I've been spending a lot of time de-endorsing Democrats, I want to stress that it's only because they're the ones deciding on a candidate and remind folks that I have already de-endorsed Bush.

Why? Well, I'll just give you one little reason for now, and a current one at that:

Bush's economic advisors had projected that his tax cuts would help bring 1,836,000 new jobs in 2003.

The statistics are in. How many jobs were created in 2003, in reality?

221,000.

Somebody over at the Bush administration needs a simple freakin' calculator. Among other things...

"And then Along Comes Kerry"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Phil Mock.

So, if he's not Phil, who is he?

And:

Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Darlene Schempp.

Are we absolutely SURE she wasn't involved in the O.J. case at all?...

Sunday Story Time/Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason: Mark Fury.

Today's entry qualifies as both a SST and a LASFNRGR because Mr. Fury, whom I went to kindergarten with, has a fitting name.

Our class had a guinea pig and most of us liked to pet it, hold it and, okay, I'll admit, some of us liked teasing it a bit with a chunk of lettuce or something.

Little kids can be forgiven for such things.

But not Mark Fury. Oh no.

Mark took a scissors and stabbed our class guinea pig to death one day.

I've been watching the newspapers for his name ever since.

Wonder if his middle name's "Wayne"?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/8/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Kiss and kill the snow

Kiss and kill the snow.

Drop a spotlit circle here.

Drip-drop -- winter fades away.

Where do letters go?

Frost is clinging to the blooms,

delicately pearl in fold.

Dribbling into spreading pools,

cool and slow. One in which

I'll rest my too-hot hand.

Against this lazy flow --

scent of hair and sleep, and sun.

Kiss and kill the world to words.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2004:

Young boys who were watching the Grammies

prepared their underwear-less jammies

know'n MTV boob

just might grace the tube

(hopin' for the "Slammin' the Hammies."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2004:

Sorry. YOU trying running an e-pub and touching on the topics of the day without mentioning... Well, you know.

At least I didn't mention the fact that its nipple is so finely... Ahem...

An "inside" plug from my daily newspaper today:

"Family of Murdered Girl Whose Abduction was Caught on Video Wonders Why Suspect Wasn't Behind Bars."

Can't blame 'em for wonderin'.

Headline in the same newspaper:

"Swiss Vote to Lock-Up Violent Offenders for Life."

The story went on to explain that said Swiss offenders will only be subject to said imprisonment if it is determined that they have no chance of rehabilitation into regular society--something that is usually the case among child sex offenders, by the way.

See, the Swiss--bleeding heart nutjobs or remarkably progressive, depending on the eye of the partisan--can afford to do such things as they're rather easy on nonviolent offenders.

Returning to the family of the murdered girl: Here, we have our priorities straight--sometimes, violent criminals get let off the bat as a part of the price of we pay to keep a fair and just legal system. And sometimes, we let them out to make room for the REAL dangers to our society: Pot smokers and coke sniffers...

Yet another headline I stumbled into today:

"Disruptive Boys More Likely to Tote Guns."

And all along I've been adopting an aggressive posture when passing nerds on the street...

A new medical study determined that it's not a good idea for doctors to encourage terminal and probably terminal cancer patients to keep up their optimism.

The study finds that this optimism usually doesn't help and that it's too much of a "burden" for cancer patients to keep up their hopes.

It's much better, evidently, to be all pissed off and gloom-filled for your final days.

And our health care system's giving us all plenty of practice...

A postcard arrived recently offering good luck wishes to a girl with a brain tumor.

However, it didn't make it before the girl passed away. Forty-eight years ago.

I'm a little surprised the Bush administration isn't pointing to THIS as the reason we're just hearing about the ricin letters sent to Capitol Hill. The could very well have been just another part of the 2001-02 anthrax mailings...

Of course, a true pessimist could argue that MAYBE ALL OF THE ANTHRAX LETTERS HAVEN'T YET ARRIVED...

From a diet product ad:

"Ditch Diarrhea--With Bananas!"

I must give credit for a rare diet ad claim that undoubtedly works, despite being a very, very short term fix...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Marilyn Mayo.

Arch enemy of Colonel Mustard.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2004:

SO the Iraq-based front of al-Qaida

now seems sketchy--naught to be afraid-a.

In the Bush CIA

'twas a game they did play

called "Pin Saddam's Tail with False Terror Data."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2004:

Man, am I rushed for time!

I initially thought, "I'll give them an extra 'Cheezy' day."

But then I decided on an experiment: All the content (from a typical day's Notebook o' Ideas accumulation) with half the care! (Or at least as much as I can do before I have to leave.)

Aren't YOU lucky!...

The NHL is seeking to make major changes because, well, nobody gives a shit about it.

My suggestions should not be new to readers: Make it so, oh, 80 FUCKING PERCENT OF THE TEAMS DON'T MAKE THE "PLAYOFFS," THUS MAKING THE REGULAR SEASON A JOKE, AND FORCE TEAMS LIKE THE FUCKING BLACKHAWKS TO TELEVISE HOME GAMES.

But I imagine we'll instead see a stray nipple during the Stanley Cup Playoffs this year.

Which might not be a bad idea...

A Slappin' and Yappin' Consumer Report:

Do not buy anything from Caterpillar.

(I guess you'll have to go elsewhere for your large-scale landscaping machine needs, as much as that will inconvenience you.)

The company fired a guy who, upon being randomly drug-tested, was unable to pee in a cup due to "stage fright," which, it turns out, is a semi-common occurrence in these guilty-until-proven-innocent-yet-curiously-Supreme-Court-approved  processes.

Nope, nothin' unrealistic about this War on Drugs, no sir...

Utah County, Utah is now charging cities within the county $50 for each prisoner they take in.

It seems the fattening prisons are killing taxpayers and they want to encourage some non-prison alternatives wherever possible.

Nope, nothin' unrealistic about this War on Drugs, no sir...

Stella Foster, Chicago Sun-Times gossip columnist, is just getting around now to ranting about The Nipple Incident and, while at it, also bitches and moans about commercials for "Girls Gone Wild" videos.

She says, "'just change the channel' is not an answer."

To which I reply, uh, yes it is...

I read today that Chicago-area doctors are being encouraged to write prescriptions for exercise, the reasoning being that, when it's in writing, patients will listen.

Take, for example, current events. THOSE are in writing and just look at how up on THOSE Americans are...

It seems most of the Japanese auto makers are increasing the number of employees they have in the U.S.

They're catching on to the American Corporate Model, but missing a key point: Guys, you're supposed to outsource to Third World countries for maximum efficiency...

Read today about how "Smart is the new sexy!"

And yes, it's true. Men are becoming more conscious of the level of repartee they can engage in with a mate.

Just as soon as they note that the gams are lookin' fine...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Phyllis Peaches.

She's the cream of the crop.

And:

Ben Schlitz.

He's just too much to beer.

And:

Pianist Anatoliy Torchinskiy.

Care to guess what kind of singer he is?

And:

Patricia Ann Leeper.

Perhaps you've met her at a sock hop...

Damn, did today's edition suck, or what?

Perhaps now you'll appreciate the carefully crafted, everyday S&Y.

Perhaps.

Right?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2004:

Now Don Trump wants to change the luck

of "Miss U.S.A.'s" advert bucks

so asked Paris Hilton

to host--skills are built-in

'cause like the show, she sure can suck!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2004:

I'm afraid to look back at yesterday's entry to see how the "Olympic Speed S&Y" turned out.

Not so good, I'm guessing.

Now, were I live on stage prattling off S&Y aloud, you could call it "improv" and everybody would lower their expectations of quality accordingly.

I suppose I could benefit from still lower quality expectations by dubbing yesterday's experiment a "reality" feature...

The last time S&Y focused on Blockbuster Video was... I don't know and don't feel like looking it up, but I'm certain the entry touched on the fact that Blockbuster goes ahead and censors movies to make them "family friendly," without bothering to fill customers in on the practice. Which led to my viewing of an extra-crappy edition of "9 1/2 Weeks"--because, I guess, families across the nation were clamoring to see it without the racy parts, as it's such a fine flick for the youngsters otherwise.

But today I'm mentioning Blockbuster because it's doing horrible. Viacom is even trying to sell it off!

It must be a least six months since last mentioned. And this time:

Wow! What a difference!

Here's something I meant to touch on during yesterday's Extra Crappy Edition, concerning the NHL's quest to make "changes" because Americans don't give a shit about pro hockey:

In all their focus-grouping, so far the NHL is mostly debating ways of MAKING SCORING MORE FREQUENT.

Sure. I'll put up with a complete waste of time, figurehead season if there are more goals...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Patsy Gay.

He.

Hee.

He he he hee.

Ahem.

And:

Susanne Schick.

Sharp as a razor, that one.

And:

Michelle Shortencarrier.

Her mailman USED to be six-foot.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2004:

The Grand Joke from that Atkins card

scammed us to think weight-loss ain't hard--

no exercise? Sweet!

Just meat, meat and meat!

Then he died a big tub o' lard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2004:

Whoops!

I'd meant to make a big deal out of this Fifth Year of "Service" by Daily Limerick... Okay, I wanted to make a semi-big deal out of it and... Okay. I wanted to make a deal of some sort out of this, including a special countdown at the "Six Months Until Five Full Years" mark but, and this is actually telling of DL's history altogether--being launched semi-accidentally--I screwed up.

I somehow got it in my head that August marked six months.

You see, August was the month of the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam's All-Limerick slam competition, which was the event that Daily Limerick originally was intended to plug--but the plug began ONE MONTH BEFORE the event, as it wouldn't do much good to start plugging an event on the day it started.

So I should have started this less-than-stellar countdown on JANUARY 12, but, well, here goes the standing head you'll see for five months, anyway...

Let the Countdown begin!

Today marks exactly FIVE MONTHS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Comcast wants to merge with Disney. And I'm guessing that the feds will let it happen.

Why? Why? Why???

Here's why we need this merger:

Today, there was an itty-bitty story, tucked into the back of my daily paper's "Nation" section, about how some underpaid schmuck dressed as Pluto was killed by a float in a parade at The Happiest Place on Earth.

Don't you see? With even more media consolidation, youngsters might have been spared the pain of accidentally seeing even that itty-bitty story...

Dan Aykroyd is in talks with John Belushi's widow to produce a mega musical called, "The Blues Brothers Revival."

"The Blues Brothers," of course, is a classic. Not to mention one of the few movie/TV shows set in Chicago that doesn't completely and utterly suck donkey balls.

And, apparently, the Godawful "Blues Brothers 2000" wasn't enough to tarnish the memory of a fine movie.

Just a wee bit more of this "corporate synergy" and we'll see "Citizen Kane 2005: Live in Cancun" yet...

Regular readers know that The Wife's watching of TV while I'm busy with other things in another room, but still able to hear it, has lead to many unanswered questions for S&Y.

The latest:

Can you objectively call Rob Schneider a "comedian"?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Dr. Arthur Laffer.

He can help you set that broken funny bone.

And:

Jonathan Cheechoo.

Bless you!...

Ugh. Ptttoey!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2004:

The next Monster Merger we'll see

approved by the damned FCC:

Disney--with Comcast

proving, at long last

they're both "Mickey Mouse" companies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 28 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Oh, and Happy St. Valentine's Day Eve!...

By the way, how come nobody calls it "St. Valentine's Day" anymore?

I try to, and feel a bit like Charlie Brown when I do...

Although the below headline appeared today in the Chicago Sun-Times' "Home" section, it would otherwise seem to be a Valentine's... Make that SAINT Valentine's-themed article:

"Tips to Improve Your Drilling"...

Now, concerning today's limerick: Is anybody else even a wee bit dismayed that the word "damned" has lost some of its original strength?

I mean, "Damned," as in "so bad that some god or gods have decided to decree it wretched by 'damning' it"?

Because that's most certainly how I feel about the FCC...

AND I feel that way about Comcast. Does anybody recall the "Slappin' and Yappin' Consumer Report."

I meant to mention that yesterday...

Has the word "cheezy" entered your mind yet?...

Barbie is finally losing Ken.

Yup. I guess it has something to do with her new "single" image and... This is all so pathetic.

I was ready to cheer, as Ken is undoubtedly a big metrosexual... Well, it's probably not THAT bad for Barbie. Perhaps he's actually HOMOsexual, and thus bearing an excuse for bein' a big ol' pretty boy, but... There's a problem.

Barbie's new guy is a surfer named "Blaine."

Blaine???

That's the type of name that... Well, let's just say that, the more things change...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2004:

Kobe's bein' replaced by Yao Ming--

and gettin' the cash that it brings

shilling Micky D's

at least 'til we see

the mischief that wrought with Yao's Ding.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2004:

Happy V.D. from all of, er, us, to all of you at Daily Limerick...

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 27 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

I think I've mentioned this before, but I often get this song in my head on Saturdays and I thought I'd share my, er, soothing Head Music with you. Imagine the vocal stylings of Lionel Ritchie--no, STOP imagining the sleazy stylings of his daughter; and,  likewise, the sleazy angle of a concept like "Head Music"--and sing with me:

"Whoah I'm Cheezy... Cheezy like Saturday Mornings"....

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Linda Cheesman.

If we had a "Page Three Girl" (or whatever page those wacky Brits do it on), she'd be it.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2004:

I doubt it's what Jan's Nip intended

but Grammy prudes, too, got offended.

Our Puritan rages

appear quite contagious

and all of our "culture's" rear-ended.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 26 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

There's a new computer program out called the "Love Detector."

I guess it's based on lie-detector technology originally intended for the War on Terror. It's marketed primarily toward women to help them tell whether That Guy is really as in-to-her as he says he is.

Occasionally, through careful thought and keeping up on the latest news, I am forced to revise long-held positions on various things.

In this case, I've long made fun of the idea of Internet dating (despite knowing some people who "did alright" through such means). But now I see that the trend is growing in directions that might lead us to a Utopian world that could barely have been imagined centuries ago.

Let's face it: The world of dating, courtship and marriage is often negotiated with a heavy dose of emotion; adding logic to the equation can only improve it. Likewise, much of this world is often dwelt in by the young and naïve; adding a dose of age-old wisdom, even if it comes from technology, can likewise only improve things.

So I imagine a world in the not-to-distant future whereby men and women can dispense with the uncertain process of meeting and dating. A world where technology can bypass the flaky realm of courtship with a few seconds' calculation and fix the problem once and for all with the ultimate modern solution:

An arranged marriage!

Think about it! What a revolutionary way to tackle the problem--it's... It's... Hmmm.

Perhaps I'm not going to revise a long-held position here...

Now here's an extremely Sunday-esque feature:

This is kind of like one of those comics-page puzzles where you spot a pattern and figure out what comes next.

Comcast, foreseeing possible opposition to its plans to merge with ABC Disney, is citing the need to compete with (AOL) Time-Warner as a reason to allow the merger

Here's an extra clue, should you need it: I just found out this week that NBC is also seeking to merge big, with Universal...

A new Batmobile toy is set to activate via cues beamed out through a Batman cartoon show on TV.

Well, I didn't realize it at first, but this is another "spot the pattern" comics-page game.

As more companies consolidate, we'll see them actually causing physical happenings to occur when we watch their TV channels.

Let's pause and think about this for a minute or two.

"Corporate Synergy": Let's break out the Depends!...

Saw a "Help Wanted" ad for a "Secretaries' Assistant" this week.

More or less, an "Assistants' Assistant."

Is THIS one of those jobs behind Bush's nutty Mexican immigration plan--the kind that no American wants in a jobless recovery?...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Did you realize that John Kerry banged Morgan Fairchild?

Geez. When I was a child, I had a poster of Morgan Fairchild and... And... Well, let's just say, this is about as close as I come to giving ANY candidate an ACTUAL endorsement.

"Slappin' and Yappin's Special Sunday-Only 'Pull-Out' Erection Coverage: For the discriminating reader concerned only with the most important of issues"...

By the way, here's a rather fuzzy, um, "endorsement":

If John Kerry... Er, if the Democratic nominee, wins, may the GOP retain control of Congress.

If Bush is re-elected, may the Democrats regain Congressional control.

The system, sometimes, sorta works.

The American Way: Throw two groups of somewhat-opposite moron philosophies together, and occasionally we're not completely screwed...

My, did I learn a lot this week!

According to some "insider" political folks, Al Gore is still planning to run for President at some point, even if he goes up against Hillary.

For those wondering what it might be like if Charlie Brown's less intelligent, more conservative cousin went into politics...

Why is it suddenly an "issue" that someone like John Kerry once protested the Vietnam War?

We wouldn't want a president doing silly things like, oh, thinking for himself on prominent political issues...

In my Notebook o' Ideas, I recently wrote "Iraq=War on Drugs," intending to do some witty little compare/contrast thing.

But I have no idea where to start and I don't recall any points I may have come up with.

So I don't know why I'm writing about it.

Perhaps I think readers will send in their own comparisons/contrasts on the theme?

Perhaps I think Morgan Fairchild will e-mail her thoughts...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

The Chicago White Sox' Robert Person.

He's good... person?

And:

Velma Chears.

Every freakin' night she's on Nickelodean.

Sunday Story Time: The Green Weenie.

This is admittedly an especially lame Sunday Story Time, but here goes.

In junior high, in Mr. March's reading class, he had a special "hall pass" that students had to carry with them when they went to the bathroom or whatever.

It was large, made of fabric and green. And it was dubbed, "The Green Weenie."

I remembered the Green Weenie recently because, somehow, in musing about Howard Dean, I've called him "Dean the Green Weenie."

Even if it is, in fact, green, I'm still much more impressed with Kerry's.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/15/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Tableau in a roving flashlight beam

tableau

in a roving flashlight beam,

through the smudging darkness,

catching wisps of whirling smoke,

easing from her mouth.

though we sit here by the fire,

the beam starts moving through the trees,

independent lightshow edges

leaves. tints splotches onto trunks.

and up the trail,

out to the sky.

casting slanted filtered shadows.

firesmoke lays curling, birthing

ghost whorls at our feet.

in fainter, fainter, fainter voice,

our conversation sways and stills.

angle and perception

caught within the branches.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2004:

Did Kerry bang Fairchild--blonde  Morgan?

If so, he rocks--like Billy Corrigan!

Some think the point moot;

I think we should shoot

for presidents who USE their organs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 25 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Words cannot describe how sick I am of the recent trend in eulogizing "Sex and the City."

Columnists and pundits and celebrities and... Everybody has to pipe up ("pipe up?")about the damn show that's (thankfully) about to go off the air.

And everybody's blathering on like it's freakin' Tolstoy or something. Like there never was a sexual revolution or a feminist movement. Like, despite the initial titillation, it's not every bit as annoying as being trapped at a Goddamned Tupperware party with a load of chatterboxes who sound much more like gay men than actual women. (Thanks to "The Simpsons" for that observation, by the way.)

Only, gay men would probably be more interesting.

And I don't think I'll ever, ever use the word "meanwhile" again...

Casey Shaw, the "creative director" of USA Weekend--which sounds like a dictionary-definition "ghost payrolling" job--has given up on his weekly rhymes.

He still does his lame-ass cartoon with commentary on current events. Only, evidently, it's just too damn difficult to come up with a little rhyme on a weekly basis.

But, hey, the genius made it... What, six months?

What could be more commendable.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/16/2004:

>Did John Kerry really bang Morgan Fairchild?

Hmm.

Well, I haven't seen it in print but, then again, I don't think there's necessarily a "scandal" with this one, as, from what I've heard, Kerry was single at the time.

I heard it on the radio and somebody else told me that she had heard it somewhere, as well.

So I should hold off on the semi-endorsement until it's confirmed, I suppose. Or closer to confirmed, anyway.

Helluva "Nuts Landing," I must say.

(Was "Knots Landing" the show she was on? I hope so--otherwise my pun isn't so hot. Or, well, it's even LESS hot.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2004:

Government has gone so astray

that today's election-time fray's

off in Vietnam--

much easier to glom

onto than one's plans for today.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 24 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

I've mentioned before how the anti-gay-rights folks, like the 1960s-'70s segregationists, are doomed to "lose."

I read today of a bridge on the East Coast that was originally slated to carry the visage of President Woodrow Wilson, but now is canceling Wilson's appearance because of his history backing segregation.

Some generation down the line is gonna have a difficult time decorating its bridges with politician visages...

In today's Chicago Sun-Times, Lisa Frydman laments the fact that Barbie is breaking up with Ken.

Uh-uh. It's not meant to be a humorous column. I don't think. And if you have to think about it... Well.

Frydman's point is, with marriage and commitment in such danger, Barbie shouldn't be breaking up with Ken. It's not a good message for a brainless, plastic "role model" to send.

I thought society had settled into the idea that, since little girls just love that Barbie, we can't just get rid of her, so we'll just raise our girls in a progressive manner, tell 'em the truth about Babs when they're old enough to comprehend it and hope for the best.

Hmm.

Come to think of it, perhaps a brainless, plastic doll is a sensible role model alternative these days...

Occasionally, media outlets must present awful and horrifying coverage to the public in cases where the public's need to know outweighs the media's general duty not to offend. Thus, we saw endless images of the events of September 11, 2001, for instance.

Such was the case in S&Y when, yesterday, I presented you with the idea of being trapped at a Tupperware party with the "Sex in the City" chatterboxes.

Brace yourself. I didn't think it possible, but today's image is even worse. And I actually read it in a mainstream, general interest publication:

Oprah Winfrey was talking with the entire "Sex in the City" gang today.

Take extreme care in explaining the horror of this event to your children...

Recently, I asked loyal readers for help in answering a question, as I occasionally am known to do.

And, as usual, I didn't get any replies.

Bastards.

The question was: What the hell's with "DUMB/FETISH," as I read in a "massage" kinda ad in the sports section. (Again, I have never patronized such an establishment, am currently married and it is thus in my interests to keep up the trend, but am nonetheless titillated somehow in taking a moment to glace at these ads every day.)

Recently, I've noted that the ad has changed (and has probably been corrected). It now reads "DOM./FETISH," which makes perfect sense.

But thanks for the help, anyway...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Arthur C. Fear.

The only thing we have to fear is what Arthur C's.

And:

Horni Benesov, Czech Republic.

This town is in the news because it's the homeland of one of John Kerry's grandfathers. Somehow, it may even explain the Morgan Fairchild deal.

And:

Climax, Minnesota.

Come one, come all!

And, while we're at it, how about an episode of Laughing at Familiar Places That are Amusing if You Set Aside the Familiarity and Think About the Inherent Juvenile Humor in the Name (the feature with the ever-changing name, none of them catchy):

Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

A lot of its natives are trying to get out. And then come back in. And then get out again...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2004:

MLB's deluged with steroids

say Feds, Barry Bonds and his boy.

Play'rs still celebrated;

we can't get more jaded--

but you or I'd be unemployed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 23 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Turns out, the Disney-Comcast fornication may not occur--but not because of the FCC.

An even more grossly powerful entity may not approve:

Disney.

But Disney has went ahead and bought the rights to the Muppets. Not the rights to Sesame Street or to all of the Henson Family holdings. Just the Muppets, ma'am.

And I thought the Muppets could go no lower after shilling for VISA...

Or was it Master Card?...

Evil potato, evil potahto...

Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are in a new movie. You may not have heard. It's not like every other commercial on TV, or some story every day in the newspaper, could have clued you in.

The pair was in another romantic comedy, "The Wedding Singer." Today, this qualifies them as the new Tracy/Hepburn duo, I guess, because somebody in the Chicago Sun-Times' feature department decided to run a feature called, "Fifty Reasons We Love Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore--America's Movie Sweethearts."

Perhaps my love is in a state of denial.

But I'm going to give the Sun-Times credit for doing what was seemingly impossible: Coming up with 50 reasons we love Sandler and Barrymore. They even came up with 50 reasons FOR EACH. In fact, some college or university oughta award the writer with an honorary fiction degree. And a Segway.

In response, here are my "Fifty Reasons I Can't Stand Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore":

1.) HE apparently doesn't have a funny bone in his body, but that doesn't stop him from deluging us with "comedies"; and SHE's such a fundamentalist Politically Correctivist that she not only talked Steven Spielberg into deleting images of guns from the newest "director's cut" of "E.T.," she remade "Charlie's Angels" (remaking TV shows itself being a crime worthy of U.N. intervention) without the guns that were an integral part of the original, because everybody knows that the best way to solve a problem is to pretend it doesn't exist.

2-50.) Repeat #1...

In a story about a new, coffeehouse-worthy home java maker today, the reporter sought comment from Starbucks.

Keep in mind that Starbucks actually designs its, er, restaurants, or whatever the hell they are (certainly not real coffeehouses), to minimize the amount of time folks spend there. And this is not some wide-eyed, nutball, conspiracy theory. Okay, so it is--but I worked at an independent coffeehouse and was privy to insider, coffee industry info. The chairs, the overall layout. All designed to subtly say, "Buy your overpriced, made from over-roasted beans and get the hell out!"

One of Starbucks' professional bullshiters (that is, a spokesperson) claimed that Starbucks is not worried about these new home coffeemakers, as people will still want to come there for "the Starbucks experience."

Because, "Sometimes you want to go... Where everybody doesn't want to know your name"...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Richard Scrushy.

Cannibals have no need to brainstorm just how to describe his texture. Although he still, undoubtedly, tastes like chicken.

And:

William Bahls.

Got that one from an obituary. "Swing low..."

And:

Kathleen Bitters.

A bit uptight. But pour a little liquor in her and she's just right.

And:

Corraine Bucki.

A model for orthodontic "before" shots.

And:

Adrene Sparks.

Somebody's old flame.

And:

Claire Sugarman.

Naming one's self is a serious matter, but her ancestors apparently didn't understand the cavity of the situation.

And:

Bruce Handler.

Rather touchy-feely.

And:

The town of Deal, England.

It all started centuries ago when a man dressed as a bear ran up on a hill and, with great fanfare, yelled, "Let's make a..."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/18/2004:

> That DOM./FETISH one had you whipped.

Yes, it did. And there was an injury. But I'm okay, now, having wrapped it tightly in a bondage.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2004:

The towel's fin'ly thrown in by Dean

but to fellow Dems, he's bein' mean

holdin' off endorsin'

around could be horsin'

all the way until Howl-o-ween!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 22 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

The town of Cheltenham, England, has nixed plans to name a street after the late Rolling Stone, Brian Jones.

The only reason cited in the short article I viewed was that the neighborhood of the street in question is "upscale."

Despite the fact that the Rolling Stones can quite arguably be dubbed "upscale" themselves, I guess its inconceivable to name a street after somebody who's never known corporate backstabbing in an "upscale" neighborhood...

Here's my suggestion for the Chicago Transit Authority or, actually, any city's public transit agency:

Shock absorbers have been invented. Look into them...

Oh, and to anybody out there who may some day have a brief personal profile published in the newspaper:

"Nintendo" is not a good view-into-one's-persona example of a "hobby."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/19/2004:

> 2/18's Daily Limerick and Slappin and Yappin had me laughing out loud much

> too often. Am I on drugs?

> (too bad I'm not with MLB)

Laughing at "Slappin' and Yappin'" is but one of the many tell-tale signs of drug use.

So put down the Ex-lax and back away from the computer, slowly...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2004:

The FCC's meddling full throttle

to push TV to fit role model

that sports does provide--

tradition and pride

as shown by U of Colorado.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 21 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

A new drug has been created that will halt and actually kill lung cancer.

This could be great news. If it meant a damn thing, practically speaking.

It still has many trials and much red tape to go through, according to FDA regulation. In fact, it's "years from reaching the market, if ever."

Government can't be bothered with such things, what with protecting would-be ephedra poppers from themselves and all.

And it's not like any of us would be able to afford this drug, anyway, outside Canada...

I learned today that the U.S. Department of Education is responsible for providing close captioning for TV programming.

Not having much reason to pay attention to close captioning, I had no idea that there's a big hubbub about the whole thing.

Not every TV show that's produced gets the close captioning treatment. And something in the statutory language of what does and what doesn't get it calls for "educational" programming to be the first priority, meaning, of course, the door is open for governmental meddling and, guess what? Programs like "The Simpsons" and "The Jerry Springer Show" aren't close captioned, causing uproar among many members of the deaf community, or hearing impaired community, or whatever they call themselves these days.

This all puts the community in a position that the Bush administration wishes we all were--as sitting ducks only able to take in "approved" TV shows. They already hear no "evil"...

Saw a reference to a talk show featuring an appearance by "'The Apprentice' star Donald Trump."

Trump, the world famous "reality" star?

So in the end, he'll leave the same legacy as about 25 percent of the rest of us...

An alderman for the Chicago-area suburb of Des Plaines has gotten in some sexual harassment trouble.

Reportedly, while dressed as Santa, he asked a woman if she wanted to "sit on [his] jingle bells."

On one hand, I've gotta admire somebody who still feels manly enough to attempt a pick-up while dressed in a red suit and phony white beard.

As long as you're gonna try bad punnery in an attempt to score, though, I would've mentioned my "yule log"...

I read about a New Yorker who was interviewed shortly after the 9-11 attacks for one of those "how are New Yorkers dealing?" reports on a cable news channel.

He was asked to put out his cigarette before going on camera.

This is, after all, America. Where the filtered truth does set us free...

There is a cigar lounge in Skokie, Illinois.

The only reason it has newsworthiness at all is because Skokie, like many other Illinois suburbs seeking some, ANY form of media attention through easier means than designing the Finest Damn Chili's in Suburbia, has enacted a tough public smoking law, and this cigar lounge, being "grandfathered in" and thus escaping Reefer Madness II: Legal Reefer due to its veteran status, is a real rarity.

I read a piece on this lounge in an "alternative" weekly whereby the writer, an avowed nonsmoker, visited.

He described having to go outside to get a little fresh air.

As a cigar smoker who actually remembers the days before Reefer Madness II: Legal Reefer, I cannot help but be amused by the idea of a nonsmoker having to "take it outside."

Nice to see that karma is alive and well in many, varied forms...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Kelby Brick.

The Big Bad Wolf's arch enemy.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2004:

Whitney Houston's pregnant again

riding the hot "Hollywood trend."

Yo, Whit! Hudson! Gwyneth!--

kids stress ya? I'd finish

by throw'n it into your rear end!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 20 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Guess you can call today's limerick my "Celebrity Mating Call."

As you see, I do have a sensitive side. And it's between my legs.

Just goes to show you that the life of a limericist can get ugly.

It's not all glitz and glamour...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Asher Karni.

Helluva career path ahead for this one.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2004:

Bush now wants to haul in Osama

for a while, di'n't seem he did wanna.

Instead, went for Saddam

hopes to say "we got 'em"

real soon for election time drama.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 19 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Casey Shaw, the "creative manager" for Ass-Kissing Central, aka "USA Weekend," in this week's edition... Well, let's recap the pathetic tale so far:

In late 2002 and early 2003, the Chief Limericist over here at DL landed a gig with the Chicago Tribune's "RedEye" publication penning daily "News Limericks."

Sweet gig. Almost unimaginable that a major publisher would pay someone for regular poetry.

It didn't last.

But I started to notice "news rhyming" going on in other venues.

One was Casey Shaw's drawing of a cartoon with a little "news rhyme" on a weekly basis. (Although it wasn't dubbed a "news rhyme.")

Shaw's were, of course, terrible. And Casey quickly gave up on rhyming, finding it too difficult to do on a weekly basis.

But in today's edition, he goes back for a (brief?) foray into "news rhyming."

He rhymes "fusion" and "confuses me."

At least I have the "Daily" excuse...

The Illinois Supreme Court has ruled that whistleblowers cannot sue their employers or former employers in the civil courts; it is "sufficient," according to the Court, to allow the government's criminal prosecution.

Last thing we need is to give workers more power under the current employee/corporation scenario...

Efforts to curb the polio epidemic in Northern Africa have run into a roadblock.

It seems that African Muslim groups have banned the polio vaccine as a "U.S. plot" to cause AIDS.

Now, I occasionally stop, look at the calendar and think, "Can it really be 2004? It seems only yesterday that the 2000s were such a far off, science-fictiony age."

Could there have been a typo or something along the way?...

Saw a reference to the "Blogging Movement" this week.

Movement? This qualifies as a "movement" these days?

"B.M."

Guess it does make sense...

Entered a nonsmoking porta-potty yesterday.

Although, I'll admit, it wasn't "nonsmoking" for the time I was in it.

Time for an informal survey: Which scent would YOU prefer to greet you upon entering a porta potty?...

In suburban Milwaukee yesterday, I saw posters and other fanfare for IMAX movies playing locally.

One is "IMAX Beavers."

How long now have I been saying that the world is finally ready for "Porn on Ice"?

Oh, okay. I'm being a little deceptive here about the movie's them.

Did anybody else know that there was some furry little mammal actually NAMED "beaver"?...

Laughing at Stranger for No Real Good Reason:

Albert Smiles.

Kinda makes you want to set his pants on fire or something, no?...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Well. I don't have anything to add to this running Sunday feature today. But still get all giggly over the subhead...

Oh, the excitement when, as a child, the "Facts of Life" and "Diff'rent Strokes" casts mingled on one another's shows!

Ahem.

Well... Hmm.

That's the story right there, I suppose.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/22/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Relations between poem and poet

A poem announces itself at the door,

its state best left unmentioned

(fairly wrecked, if you want the truth).

Barely a coherent word.

And sometimes it throws coins at my chest,

then runs back into the street.

I scrutinize its gestures,

its failures deep in its pockets,

light as the walk that it airs.

Sometimes it leaves small cracks

pearlescent in the windows,

or a newspaper kicked in the gutter.

I leave it a piece of bread.

Then run to write it out

before I lose its serpentine ways.

It writes me querulous letters,

minting extravagant, garrulous missives.

To which I never reply.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2004:

"The Passion of the Christ's" big hook:

All Christians just may take a look!

To screen, from the page,

'cause who, in this age

will bother to pick up The Book?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 18 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Noted Godawful actor Arnold Schwarzenegger... Er, I guess his more prominent title these days would be "California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger"... Anyway, he's blathering on about how we should pass a constitutional amendment allowing foreign-born U.S. citizens to run for president. And, surprise of surprises, right around the same time, Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch is proposing just such an amendment!

Hmm. Ah-nold is foreign-born... He and Hatch are both Republicans... Wow! With coincidences like this a regular part of life, who needs conspiracy theories?...

In typing the above nugget, at one point I accidentally typed "Republicat."

Do you think, at some GOP gathering in the history of the party, a speaker has identified his audience as "Republicats and Republikitties"?

Me neither...

There was a protest in Chicago the other day focusing on racial profiling, especially in times of war and/or terrorism.

News coverage spotlighted the plights of two who fell victim to this insidious trend. First, there was Sam Ozaki, a Japanese-American who, as a young child, was taken, along with his family, and interned for the duration of WWII. Locked up; sealed away from society at large; life put on hold!

I know, I know. These horror stories are hard to take. But, in the interest of Truth, I'll also relate the other life tale spotlighted.

Anna Mustafa, an Arab-American, was detained for a few hours at Chicago's O'Hare airport soon after Sept. 11, 2001. Locked up; sealed away from society at large; life put on hold. For a couple of hours.

So, maybe we're about 5 percent as politically active as in the '60s for good reason. I'd have to see the exact calculations but...

First, we had online dating. Next, online friend-making, ala "Friendster."

I'm predicting that the next, er, "step up" will be: "CasualAcquaintanceSter." For those with difficulties leading normal lives, you can go online and make small talk with substitute mailmen, convenience store workers and the like.

I'd laugh but, well, see the next item...

Institutions that dwell in sarcasm focused on current trends occasionally attain the distinction of accidentally predicting the future by, in one way or another, proposing "predictions" that, while initially meant to simply be absurd commentaries, actually come true. MAD Magazine is perhaps the leader but other outlets have "predicted" their share, including, more recently, The Onion, and undoubtedly individuals and TV shows, too.

Which means it's high time for a new feature:

Life Imitates Daily Limerick.

A little while back, in response shows like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" exploiting and reveling in stereotypes for Corporate Synergistic Gain, I proposed (and I paraphrase myself, which is an especially pathetic thing to do) "Straight Eye for the Hopelessly Girly Queer Guy." And, like everything else written here, it was tongue in cheek.

And, yes, I refer to THOSE cheeks.

Now, Comedy Central is presenting "Straight Plan for the Gay Man."

I might consider looking into a lawsuit, if 99 out of 100 Comedy Central shows didn't tank in less than 10 episodes...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Journalist Chris Hack.

As much as we at S&Y may decry nepotism and the like, his name alone would land him on the top of the DL resume pile.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2004:

In new study, Vatican finds

the code, "Zero Tolerance" binds

its poor priests too much--

leaves them out of touch

with its own "No Child Left Behind."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 17 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

U.S. Secretary of Education Rod Paige is under fire for calling the National Education Association, more or less a gigantic teachers' union, a "terrorist organization."

A little over the top, I suppose. But the NEA does target civilians...

The City of Chicago, throwing a hissy fit because its minors' curfew law was declared at odds with that pesky Constitution, has decided that kids are allowed out after curfew if it's for "legitimate" First Amendment activities--such as law-abiding protests organized by well-known organizations.

Which is a good lesson for kids to learn. Just like for adults, protest is important, protected activity, as long as it takes place in a manageable format, convenient to ignore and likely to produce no results whatsoever...

Illinois State Representative Susana Mendoza is proposing a "DUI Scarlet Letter," whereby repeat DUI offenders will have to place glowing license plates on their cars or some such thing.

This would only be, again, for repeat offenders--and those deemed likely to repeat the crime, at that.

It would be silly to just not give these folks a license again, I guess...

The Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles is going to have to remodel. It seems that nearby residents are complaining that the glare from one side of the building is not only blinding, but raising the temperatures of their homes.

There may be a joke here, I suppose, but I'm just near-orgasmic whenever Disney suffers ill luck...

Read today that former U.S. President Zachary Taylor died from an "overdose" of bad cherries.

Which just means it's time for another S&Y Public Service Announcement: Kids, if you must indulge, at least enjoy your bad cherries in moderation...

The organization I work for part-time is in an artists' co-op--a building chock full o' affordable condos for nonprofits and artists.

It has a community kitchen, and in this kitchen the other day, I saw a stack of O! magazines on the counter, with a note: "PLEASE take some magazines."

Now... Why didn't the magazines' owner just toss them out? And then it dawned on me:

Until then, I only SUSPECTED that O! was hazardous material...

I'm completely hot for Meg Ryan.

Just thought I'd mention it.

It's only recently that I noticed that she was even good looking. Then I heard about her recent nude scene and BAM! Internet searches and a helluva hankerin' to nail Meg Ryan!

I think it's the fact that she's the "Romantic Comedy Queen." I figure I could somehow exact revenge for all the horrible RCs I've been finagled into watching over the years by doin' her up, porn style.

That's as close as you're gonna get to an S&Y "Chicken Soup for the Soul" vignette...

Changeable sign spotted on a drug store:

"WE HAVE A COMPLETE LINE OF ATKINS KODAK FILM 24 EXP $1.99."

Man. I knew that the whole anti-carb craze was turning previous notions of diet and nutrition upside down. But... Do you at least wrap the film around meat first?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Tim Pigsley.

Dippin' his pen in the company oink.

And:

Carrie Kenney.

I found this one in the obits. Oh my God!--they killed... Carrie.

And:

Alice Larva.

She's good pupae.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2004:

The "Welcome back, Spring" song I've sung

despite news the Groundhog had brung.

Saw first open sandals,

thought, "This, I can handle!"

and, in my pants, one spring has sprung!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 16 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Happy belated Paczki Day!

I missed the well-wishing yesterday. Sure, some yahoos call it "Fat Tuesday," but in the Polish tradition, you're supposed to eat Paczkis (pronounced, "Poonch-kees"), which are frosted, jelly and/or custard filled donuts.

Hmm.

So Paczki Day is just another phrase for "Fat Tuesday," I suppose...

Oh, and considering we're entering Lent, be sure and pick up a bad habit just to spite the religious bastards...

A U.S. military court is finally going to try Ali Hamza Ahmad Sulayman al Bahlul (whew!), an al-Qaida PR specialist.

That's about as evil as it gets: al-Qaida AND public relations...

By the way, I think we've stumbled upon a reason those goat-fuckin' Muslim fundamentalists resist Westernism so strongly:

In case you missed it, that cat's name was Ali Hamza Ahmad Sulayman al Bahlul.

Can you imagine how ridiculous it would get if these guys' wives started with hyphenated names?...

Chicago Public Schools, seeking a "fix" for high drop-out rates, are instituting a "drop out form" that potential quitters need to sign. It states stuff like, "I realize I will face diminished job prospects and an increased chance of doing prison time because of this decision."

Hey. It's easier than fixing the schools so that a degree actually teaches one to read...

Headline in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Chubb Grows at Sears Tower."

Slow news day.

I work in a very small office building and happen to know for a fact that it happens all the time...

Although I've been operating subconsciously under the assumption for some time, last night, at a variety showcase thingy I attend semi-regularly to perform, I realized that "freakin'" has become much funnier than "fuckin'," perhaps because of the latter's overuse.

A rare, sneak peek into the Mind of Slappin' and Yappin'.

The seizures won't last too long...

At said showcase last night, I was contemplating the time of year. Not yet Spring, but not fully winter. One of those "in between" times that we usually spend wishing they would pass, carrying us full-blown into the next season. I thought about how we should make an effort to enjoy them, rather than spoil 'em by just wishing they were through; about how we should enjoy each and every moment and... Damn!

I didn't even take one of those O! magazines, and somehow it STILL got to me...

And now for another new feature (maybe)--

Who's Reading Daily Limerick?

Do you recall how I recently marveled at the fact that Donald Trump, at least in TV grid listings, is best-known as "'The Apprentice' star Donald Trump?

Today, I saw a TV listing for a show featuring "real estate mogul Donald Trump."

Perhaps next they'll kill two broads with one stone and call him, "Realty TV star Donald Trump."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2004:

"The Ball" here today does get creamed

but the Cubs--a "curse" breaking scheme.

But'it's not goats or balls

but damn Corporate Halls.

The Curse is: The Trib owns the team.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 15 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Because Mel Gibson's Jesus-freak movie is evidently more newsworthy than Alan Greenspan rippin' Bush's economic plans a new asshole, today's newspaper brings quotes from "locals" who have seen the movie.

Shining genius Brian Paruch checks in with this: "If people are on the fence as to whether Jesus had suffered for our sins, this hammers the point home."

Because, if it's in a Hollywood movie, you know damn well it's well-researched and factual...

Headline:

"Heavier Adult Women More at Risk of Breast Cancer, Says Study."

Okay, knock it off. We don't need to spend more money on studies like this--let's just assume that being overweight negatively affects health in every conceivable way, okay?

And while I'm at it, same goes for smoking--there's just one child in Uganda who doesn't know it's dangerous at this point, so we don't need surveys bringing shocking revelations like, "Lung cancer risk in left-handed, lesbian smokers is actually 1 percent higher than previously thought"...

I know you occasionally find yourself singing, "Like Daily Limerick--if I could be like Daily Limerick."

So do what I do to, er, combat (sorta) dumb advertising:

Annoying commercial comes on the radio, turn it off. Turn it back on later, but make sure it's long past the commercial's running time, so you may further, er, damage the Conglomerate by missing another one of its commercials!

I can just feel Clear Channel quaking in its boots.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2004:

Clear Channel felt FCC's burn

turned 'round and cut ol' Howard Stern.

Who knows what's "indecent"?--

Conglomerates need reasons

to take their Fed ass-kissing turns.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 14 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

As the Conglomerates scramble to pacify the Mighty FCC, despite the fact that "indecency" HASN'T EVEN BEEN FREAKIN' DEFINED, Fox President of Entertainment Gail Berman chimed in to say, "We sincerely regret that a few incidents of inappropriate programming have overshadowed the good shows we proudly air on Fox each week."

There are good shows on Fox? Shows one can be PROUD of?...

Okay, there's "The Simpsons" and... What? Oh, "The Simpsons" reruns...

The Pope chimed in with his typical statement of 16th-Century relevance for Fat Tuesday. One point he made was that "children need to be defended and protected."

Hard to argue with, but the Catholic Church sure has a funny of showing it...

I also read some "insider" news on the upcoming Vatican report on sexual abuse in the church. The writer claimed that the real "shocker" will be the fact that four one-year-old children were molested.

"Shocker"? Maybe--if those babies were GIRLS...

As the investigation is just heating up NOW, for some reason, it turns out that police in Colorado really should have looked into those Columbine shooter losers much, much earlier, as a lot of evidence to their whackitude existed years beforehand.

You won't hear too much of an uproar over police competence, however. Heroes and all, 9-11, blah blah blah.

Plus, it's a lot easier to blame music and video games...

Dirty Dancing II?

What? Huh? Who what where when?

What the hell's the public clamoring for next? "Short Circuit III"?...

Even the least regular of readers will know that one of my recurring beefs is with the current "Reefer Madness II: Tobacco" movement. I am well aware of the fact that I've explored the topic to death and, even when new developments warrant addressing, I often hesitate to pipe in so as to prevent S&Y from becoming, "The Angry Persecuted Smoker's Herald."

But personal events demand that I sound off right now.

I've related how I am relegated to smoking outside of my own home, due to the fact that I have a wife. Since I smoke cigars, especially in foul weather, I was engaged in the procedure of leaving my stogie outside on our shared deck and inside of my little smoker grill because my nitwit, practitioner of the religion of Political Correctism neighbor once complained about having to encounter bare wisps of outdoor smoke for the 20 seconds he passed my ashtray (left outdoors so that I can duck in and out every now and then, nursing a cigar, as it tastes better that way than it does continually re-lighting it)--and, this way, I can cover seal escaping smoke in the grill and I figured that would solve the problem. I once wrote in this space about how, in going out to have a smoke, as I lift the round lid on the smoker, it makes me feel like Captain America, but that has nothing to do with this nugget.

Well, the problem wasn't solved with this technique. Recently, the asswipe began actually PUTTING OUT my cigar after LIFTING UP the lid on MY grill. And I thought I'd shut up about this one to avoid over-doing the topic, too.

I could have complained to Mr. Prissy Pants, but I'm largely non-confrontational and generally willing to go out of my way to keep neighbors happy. Another reason I didn't complain to the bastard is the same reason I didn't go to the cops (he is, after all, destroying property of mine--cigars): I can't win. He has all sorts of somehow accepted pseudo-science on his side and, as a smoker today, I'm like a black man in 1950s Alabama going to the police about being wronged by a whitey.

So I just left a note in the grill, as I made other smoking arrangements: "So, we're at a Third Grade level here, huh?"

I've been waiting to nail him with something--anything. Today, hearing a noise outside and hoping it was the upstairs chick neighbor hotly dressed, I saw the bastard through my door's peekhole taking out the garbage IN THE NUDE. He looked around to see if anybody was looking and, of course, didn't notice me, and then he went back inside, came out and DID IT AGAIN.

So, when a confrontation does arise, I'm telling him that I'll go to the cops about his Nature Boy activity--and claim to have taken a photo. Hell, if Janet's fine nipple can set the country off on a tizzy, wandering around buck naked on the deck can certainly get one in trouble.

I am certainly offended by the sight of a nude man in public. Sure, normally I wouldn't complain--I think, on principle, we're way too concerned about glimpsing natural, naked bodies, but... Fight moronity with moronity, I always say...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Jae-Suk Yoo.

Congrats and all but... Will Jae-Suk Me?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2004:

Ang Jolie will carry the torch

(for 'Lympics--short distance, of courch)

wish I'd be in Greece

to watch that fine piece

a'jiggle on by from my porch!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 13 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Today's Extra Cheezy Saturday Edition brings further news of the neighbor feud. I mean, I couldn't save it for Sunday, as I'd have a lot of 'splainin' to do for Sunday-only readers.

And I'm not going to recap.

Last night, taking advantage of the unseasonably warm Chicago weather as of late, and capitalizing on the fact that I haven't tasted delightful barbecue in some time, steaks were grilled.

Okay, so they were also smoked with wood chips, which makes for extra smoke but... You guessed it.

Mr. Poopy Pants complained about the smoke. The scent "filled his kitchen."

Delicious barbecue aroma? In a kitchen? Oh, the horror!

So this kicks things up a notch.

Whoah. I sound like Emeril!

But this is as good a time as any to "go Emeril," as we don't hear much about the guy lately.

Whatever happened to his sitcom?... Oh. Uh-huh.

Anyway, to continue "going Emeril," this brings even more value to the photo I don't really have of Mr. Poopy Pants on the deck sans the infamous pants of a poopy nature.

If he kicks his bullshit up a notch... Well... BAM!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/29/2004:

The "Kolumbine Kops" shit their pants and

toward their role, the public is glancin'.

It took us a while

to check out those files--

first task was to blame Mar'lyn Manson.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/29/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 12 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; hook me up with that Destiny's Child dinner! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Happy Leap Day!

Well, I'm excited about it...

I finally figured it out!

I finally figured out what "Trading Spaces'" biggest crime is!

Everybody's laughing, joking around. They speed up the tape of the process and you see people dancing and cavorting.

Ever painted with your significant other? Or engaged in any other home décor activity?

Well, suffice it to say, there is no dancing involved...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I have a refined prediction on "Who Wants to Be the Next President?," that reality show that's sweepin' the nation, er... Well, the show that, for some reason, isn't proving to be as popular as other reality fare, like "Average Joe." ("Refined prediction," in this case, means one completely different from earlier predictions, but I never claimed to have the 1 in 100 prediction ratio of a Master like, say, Nostradamus.)

Anyway, here it is:

Kerry will win unless we get bin Laden.

More complete and utter 180s as developments warrant...

Here's why whack-jobs like Ralph Nader aren't so whack-jobby after all:

There is a perceived "Major Rift" between the Dems and GOP in the election. Well, between Bush and Kerry.

Bush wants a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Kerry does not.

But delve just an eetsy-bit further:

Bush thinks gays SHOULD be allowed civil unions.

Kerry... Well, he doesn't think gays should be allowed to marry. Oddly enough, though, he does back civil unions.

Oh, but he's not for the amendment.

What a gaping rift between our major-party candidates, huh?...

But Kerry is, however, getting tough on jobs leaving our country!

He wants to enact a law requiring companies to give "90-day notice" of jobs leaving the countr--and, here's the "tough" part, I guess: They also have to give their reasons for moving the jobs!

Then... Well, then, of course, they can go ahead and move the jobs overseas but... What a rift, my friends, what a rift!...

So as not to bash one side of this Reality Election more heavily than the other, let's take a look at the current state of Big Business (a friend of the GOP, except where it concerns much of the entertainment business, the lawyers, teachers' unions and such):

In a store yesterday, I heard a version of "Bad Girls" (the '70s Donna Summer song) as sung by Anjelica from "RugRats."

Lyrics were changed but... The song was originally about hookers.

Hookers. A kids character is doing a version of a song about harlots. Prostitutes. Brazen strumpets.

Corporate Synergy: If there ain't a nipple (even a finely-browned one) AND it sells shit, it's all good...

Alan Greenspan this week kinda ripped into some of Bush's economic policies.

You may recall, he's the guy really responsible for the '90s (Mostly Internet Porn-related) Economic Boom usually attributed to Clinton.

I'd endorse him but, in case you haven't noticed, anybody who actually would be qualified to run this fine country never runs...

Speaking of people not running but who might get votes anyway, I read a reference this week to people voting for Mickey Mouse.

Please. Write-in "Alfred E. Neuman" if you're going to do something like that.

And Mickey Mouse is already running much of the country...

I just remembered the other day that I knew a semi-dweeb in high school, we'll call him Denny--'cause that's his real name--who had a Journey-esque band called, "Destiny."

Which reminded me that I should be blathering about Destiny's Child anymore because, well, I don't think they exist. It's just Beyonce.

(Now, imagine this in a Homer Simpson voice:) Hmm... Beyonce.

But the dinner thing still stands.

All this reminded me to remind you that I do, indeed, change the "standing head" sections in DL/S&Y from time to time. And, starting tomorrow, the "Destiny's Child/DL Anniversary" plea will be changed.

For what it's worth...

Not much, I suppose, but something...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Stephen Goose.

Let's all take a gander at what's good for him.

(Huh?)

And:

James R. Fallen.

A motorcycle enthusiast.

He hee...

Here's a new feature! (Maybe.)

Daily Limerick's "I Told You So":

Due to draconian cigarette tax increases, New York and it's mayor, Bloombergermeister-Meisterbloomberger, have been forced to divide the city into precincts for the express purpose of combating the cigarette black market.

Something like this hasn't happened since Prohibition.

Hmmm...

And yet ANOTHER new feature!

What Sunday Only Readers Are Missing:

A fight has emerged between me and a fuddy-duddy neighbor.

Have you ever taken a glance at the "letters" department of a newspaper's "Home" section?

They are filled with complaints about poopy-pants condo neighbors.

He's that kind of guy. In fact, I have even dubbed him, "Mr. Poopy Pants."

Well, you Sunday-Only folks are missing the drama. There's even nudity involved!

I have noticed, however, that I enjoy this confrontational matter in some ways. As a youngster, I always kinda looked forward to fighting with a fuddy-duddy neighbor someday. It's kinda like how I look forward to being old, in a way, so I can walk around without pants and act crazy and STILL get away with it...

Sunday Story Time: Pooped 'Em

I'm not a big proponent of "toilet humor." But this is some of the finest in toilet humor--or, toilet-related humor, I suppose--if I must say so myself and, quite frankly, I must.

I am a man of demanding bowel movements. I'm not sure if urination qualifies as a B.M., but for these purposes, it is.

I know people, especially women, who'll tell me things like, "I had to pee all day but didn't have time." I'll also hear stories about people, especially women, holding off takin' the ol' Number Two when at a date's house or something so as not to smell up the bathroom. (I guess some of us like to convince others that we don't eliminate waste.)

Me? I gotta go--and I go.

This has lead to many whizzes taken in alleys and even being frisked by a cop when caught whizzing in the bushes once.

Anyway, we find our hero at an ex-girlfriend's house. Normally, I couldn't smoke in her house, but it was really cold and she let me smoke in one special room for most of the month.

It was morning and, like many people, the morning cup and a smoke often gets my body's functions going. This was the case on this morning. It was an especially fierce Number Two working its way to the, er, surface or whatever, but there was a problem.

My girlfriend's roommate was in the shower, preparing for her work day. And, like most women getting ready in the morning, she takes a real, real, real long time.

I suppose I could have burst in and, well, just went. And I thought about doing just that. But the time where the Number Two just couldn't wait anymore was rapidly approaching and... Well, two words:

Pooped 'em.

Complicating matters further was the fact that I was wearing a borrowed pair of my girlfriend's shorts. So I actually pooped SOMEBODY ELSE'S pants.

I was then desperately thinking of some plan to right this horrible, terrible situation. "Hmm... I could take off the shorts, fling the majority of the poop off the deck and into the alley, and then..." My girlfriend had awakened.

She walked up to me, said "good morning" and, as is her habit, patted me on the butt.

At which point, I had some 'spalinin' to do.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/29/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Margaret Atwood

Dark curls framing a searching face,

Margaret Atwood is the patron saint

of poetry readings.

She presides at the Encino Barnes & Noble

in a rectangular frame,

set on the wall behind the podium.

Does she cringe at a purple turn of phrase?

Does she clandestinely take notes --

composing great, writerly fugues?

Has she watched us evolve

from frightened birds

to white flames burning the page?

She has seen our failings,

stutter and stumble.

Turning great heaps of earth with a spade.

Clods of mud

purporting to be gold --

or at the very least pyrite's soft glitter.

In the hour that clocks settle their grievances,

the Canadian winter swimming with spots,

does she mumble words deep in her sleep?

Supplying the air

with amateur ramblings,

and occasional graceless graces.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

We'll probably keep on mutating from here!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's, e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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