Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a half-blown attempt at a "respectable" Web site and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event, you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

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***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2004:

Britney's says she'll marry--again.

Why, this is becoming a trend!

While she still looks fine

can I get in line

for crack at her divorced rear end?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2004:

Today marks exactly 11 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delighfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Why do retail outlets allow checks for payment anymore? Do we need PSAs advertising the (not so) new bank-account linked debit/charge cards?

I'm just glad I brought a newspaper to the hardware store today...

I'm just full of questions today:

How come nobody's ever come out with a "Clamwich"? With hearty, steamed clams, a little tartar, some lettuce... Okay, perhaps fried strips would work better.

Or perhaps I've answered my own question...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Robert Butman.

He's a customs worker who's been implicated in an immigrant extortion scam--and it appears that more than money was a motive here, if I may be cheeky...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2004:

For Saddam, first ref'rence I see

of many, so many, to be--

though only 0-4

get ready for more

claims of "Trial of the Century"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2004:

Today marks exactly 10 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delighfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

The stock of Clear Channel, and in fact the stock of most the three or four conglomerates controlling the pathetic jukebox that is modern radio, is down.

Way down.

Which gives me occasion to say: Kick ass!

A 7-1 Wall Street Journal story on the industry's situation analyzes all sorts of reasons behind it.

Except, oh, the fact that Clear Channel took THE MOST POPULAR FREAKIN' RADIO STAR IN THE NATION OFF THE AIR AS A WAY OF BLOWING (AND SWALLOWING) BUSH AND THE FCC AS THEY TAKE US ON A MORALLY RETRO TRIP TO THE 19-FUCKIN'-50S.

Oh, and they also missed the fact that THERE ARE ONLY TWO OR THREE RECORDING INDUSTRY-APPROVED RADIO FORMATS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

Financial analysts sure got the "Jobless Recovery" right though, didn't they?...

Illinois House Bill 956 may or may not severely curtail Freedom of Information Act requests in the state.

"May or may not" owing to the fact that... I only read about it in a Letter to the Editor recently--and it's already awaiting the governor's signature or veto.

I don't know what excuse other newspapers and broadcast outlets have for dropping (or perhaps just hiding) the ball. But the Chicago Sun-Times has had to make room for news that actually affects us and our everyday lives--as evidenced in its regular "The Laci Peterson Trial" standing head...

PBS' Capitol Concert for this July 4th will feature Clay Aiken!

I guess somebody has to focus on our coveted First Amendment--and the pathetic use we make of the gift...

Chiquita Banana is engineering bananas with additional fruit flavors.

It claims these bananas will prove to be popular and thus seen as worthy of an inflated price.

Chiquita has actually announced--and recall that S&Y fairly recently dubbed this the Age Where Things Have Gotten So Bad That Bad Intentions Aren't Even Masked (aka many other phrasings)--that it wants to become "The Starbucks of Produce."

And I didn't think bananas were a countercultural phenomenon in need of mainstreaming...

A "prophetess" running classified ads regularly in the Chicago Sun-Times is now beginning one such ad with the prescient phrase:

7th Month of the Year!

The ad is then followed only by her Web site address.

Wow! She's good...

I fixed my toilet yesterday and now, occasionally, it lets loose a strange, inexplicable ghostly wail after a flush.

Even the world of spirits is going down the crapper these days...

Damn kids today! Foolish whippersnappers!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

William M. Milosovic.

Not sure, but I think he married Jen O. Cide.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2004:

If your little chicky is itchin'

for compliments, but there's a hitchin'

'cause she's spoutin' naggin'

be snide while you're braggin'

and simply tell her that she's "bitchin'."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2004:

Today marks exactly 9 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delighfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

I have a picture of Edgar Allan Poe as my screen saver temporarily.

A friend saw it and asked, "Is that Hitler?"

What kinda guy does he take me for? Someone who'd steal a computer from the History Channel?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2004:

Men love that mix of adult/child

and "Girls Gone Wild" that urge does rile.

The new knock-off, then

featurin' boy/men

should really be called "GAYS Gone Wild."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2004:

Today marks exactly 8 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delighfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Happy Independence Day! Celebrate the actual meaning somehow--profane a politician!...

There is a "reality" TV show on the air now called "Airline." It follows the allegedly day-to-day occurrences among workers and travelers at various airports around the country.

Now, ponder a moment upon everything we know about "reality" TV shows and their contestants.

Okay. Now, ponder the types of activities, workers and travelers we should have at airports today, considering... Well, considering the state of the world and all.

Shudder. Rinse. Repeat...

Speaking of "reality" TV, and of Gays Gone Wild, did anybody else notice that the "Queer Eye" gang basically gave themselves a nickname in, "The Fab Five"?...

Evangelical Christians (I guess it's an actual sect of Christianity, in addition to an adjective for certain personae) have published and mailed out a tract to their faithful warning of the dangers of mixing church doctrine into politics.

Meanwhile, the Catholics... Well, you know.

It's getting harder and harder to tell the seriously raving lunatics from the merely mildly raving ones these days...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Okay, so conservatives (and reasonable liberals and non-partisans, but who cares about them anymore?) have a point regarding some of the implications in Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911."

The current Moore-bashing trend is to focus on the part of the movie that implies the Saudi Arabian bin Laden family was allowed to fly out of the country when all other flights were canceled--when, in fact, although the bin Ladens were flown out in a hasty manner, it was after the suspension of airline travel was lifted.

Nonetheless, Bushites, your own "objectivity" might be better served by discussion of the many OTHER assertions and implications of the movie...

A U.S. "panel" this week attributed the Iraqi WMD mistake to "Worldwide Spy Failure."

Which makes sense, considering the damn Europeans and such pushed us into this Iraq War to begin with...

Headline:

"Ex-Congressman to Take Reins at MPAA."

(For those not in the know, MPPP means "Motion Picture...er, (Something) Association.")

Although we have many problems with the Separation of Church and State, especially from the current administration, shouldn't we also be worrying about the Separation of the Entertainment Industry and State, or do you think Clear Channel just enjoyed jumping into bed with Michael Powell?...

A Dubya quote regarding the (semi-) handover of Iraq to the Iraqis, apparently attempting to assuage the fears of practicing Muslims:

"There is nothing incompatible between democratic values and high standards of decency."

I agree--except, of course, when situations arise where terms like "decency" require some form of legal definitions. Then again, Bush didn't say democratic LAWS were compatible with "decency," and he appears to be fine leaving it at "values," at least back here...

According to conservative pundit Robert Novak, if Bush loses this election, the GOP will turn a serious eye toward excising the Religious Right's influence from the party.

Geez. I can barely fart without finding yet another reason for Bush's de-endorsement...

I read an Info Tidbit this week stating that "41 percent approve of the job Congress is doing."

Which means at LEAST 41 percent of us aren't paying very close attention...

Chicago's Mayor Daley, a Democrat (like 99.9 percent of all elected city officials), this week lauded President Bush for the Iraq turnover (hmm... Iraq turnover) and bashed John Kerry for... Something or other.

File this in your DL/S&Y Glossary: "Bipartisan: [adj.] Connoting something whereby two political parties work together to screw the rest of us royally"...

Another Info Tidbit I read this week: 65 percent or respondents disagree with the statement, "The First Amendment goes too far in the rights it guarantees."

The brief accompanying the IT describes this as an improvement; that is, the number of respondents disagreeing has risen.

I have a hard to getting too excited about an improvement that stills that more than 1-in-3 of us, our president included, are just fine keeping with democratic "values" and leaving it at that...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The After-Basketball Pitcher

I drink a lot of liquids. Many would say I drink too much liquid, and I couldn't mount too vigorous an argument against that.

I suppose I do this partially for health reasons--but I started doing it long before I knew it was allegedly healthy. I just have a proclivity for constantly sipping on something.

This week, I recalled an incident in my youth that may account, at least partially, for my drinking. (Which, by the way, is mostly water, although coffee, soda and juice are also involved.)

It centered around my tryouts for the junior high basketball team. Basketball was the only sport in my small school that even required tryouts. I tried it once or twice, but generally suck-ass at basketball, despite being one of the first picked in gym class for sports like flag football and floor hockey. Thus, I never made the team.

Basketball tryouts were grueling. And it isn't wise to drink too much water during a workout, despite our occasional treat of water fountain privileges.

So when I got home, I'd fill this big ol' pitcher with ice, followed by cold water, and I'd chug the whole damn thing.

How I looked forward to that pitcher of ice water. I'd even put it off a bit to heighten the anticipation--come home, get into comfortable, non-sweaty clothes, etc., and dive into the pitcher.

Exciting, huh?

If nothing else, my "E! Hollywood Story" could portray this as a "drinking problem," of sorts, especially considering instances like today's, when I believe an office worker saw me pissing like a madman behind a downtown dumpster because I couldn't hold it any longer...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/4/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Snowlight hits

Snowlight hits the Northern Lights.

Midnight flakes against the dancing

membrane-color-curtains furling

through the vastness of black sky.

All is cold from permafrost.

The trees dance brittle breezy dances.

Iced-up windchimes in the branches

sing and spark with nebulae.

But I do not feel afraid

lying in the winter waste.

The colors above overlay --

such feisty rainbows, slipping their poles,

casting out structure, sleeping in curls

no more.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/4/2004:

> are you not married anymore?

>

> =====

> MONTE

I'm not entirely sure how the above query stems from a recent DL, but now is as good a time as any to remind readers that IF YOU REPLY DIRECTLY TO DAILY LIMERICK, YOUR LETTER IS CONSIDERED A SUBMISSION TO DAILY LIMERICK.

But I am, indeed, still married.

And I'll worry about the effect that "nudie jpegs" will have on the marriage when I indeed actually receive more than a reasonable amount.

Okay. I'll ponder the question more when I receive ONE.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2004:

My Pres'dent Campaign needs more "slate";

"Christina" filled hole, thinking late--

What would be my scandal?

Why, one I could handle--

I'd hope they'd dub mine "Applegate."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2004:

Today marks exactly 7 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delighfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

A new Bush Admin PSA has one photo showing a homeless dude with the caption, "It doesn't always end here."

Below, it shows someone handing another a joint with the caption, "But it often starts here."

Wow. It's about time an administration's drug policy actually stated things as they are.

Now, if somebody could explain to me how everyone in my class managed to look so darn clean at the last reunion...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) For No Real Good Reason:

Caroline Peoples.

Actually an alleged serial killer--and thus perhaps not "Good Peoples."

And:

Carollyn Cheezum.

A PR employee with the Social Security Administration, she does just that.

And:

The Janjaweed.

That's the nutty Muslim group engaging in genocide (or near-genocide, at least) in the Sudan--their buzz isn't so hot.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2004:

Women have more clout than us satyrs--

"change mind" prerogative is greater.

Some guys are confused;

think it's theirs to use

like fickle Muqtada al-Sadr.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2004:

Today marks exactly 6 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delighfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

The "latest" trend in weight control is eating slower. That is, chewing one's food completely. This was actually the "latest" in, oh, something like the 1750s but, hey, we now need a local news broadcast to tell us that exercise is helpful as well--and it helps even more if that exercise carries a multi-hundred-dollar price tag in the form of a health club.

It's long been know that chewing one's food thoroughly helps with digestion. What fat ass America is taking note of now, however, is this also-long-known effect: allowing your mental appetite alarm to "catch-up" with your French-fry-inhaling mouth, and thus causing you to feel full when you're "supposed" to feel full.

A device has even been invented to make this "latest" trend a bit easier. The device, called a DDS, goes into your mouth, forcing you to take smaller bites. It must be prescribed by a doctor and costs about $500.

Well, when some wannabe entrepreneur spoke of selling water in bottles, despite most of us having faucets at home, they probably called him a whack-job, too.

I'm just eagerly awaiting the Complete Mouth Lock...

Here we go again:

Activists, politicians and other folks who should be shot are now blathering that video games need to be censored as they allegedly cause otherwise perfectly normal folk to go out a'killin'.

Most frightening, perhaps (it's hard to pick the most frightening aspect of something that harrows your balls off to begin with), is the fact that Democrats are leading the charge--you know, the alleged alternative to the non-separation-of-Democracy-and-FCC GOP.

So here I go again:

The First Amendment reads: "Congress shall make NO law" (emphasis added) regarding freedom of speech, press, association, etc.

So all the studies, etc., really don't mean a pile of steamin' crap.

Again, that's "NO law." Not "too many" laws. Not "shall rarely make" laws.

You "liberals" came up with the "no means no" idea.

May wanna re-read your old stuff.

May also wanna re-read the Constitution. At least the First Amendment.

If you have the time. Which you obviously freakin' do.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2004:

War Hawks say the wartime dissent

hurts the morale of servicemen.

(But) they did invite it--

with nation divided.

If that's key, we shouldn't have went.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2004:

Today marks exactly 5 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Considering its excessive gay-acceptance programming, shouldn't  the "Family Channel" be renamed "Queer Eye for the Children"?...

Apparently, once we've moved about twenty years beyond the "retro cool" period, hipster pundits can look at cultural phenomena objectively enough to finally bash it.

Twenty years is the amount of time the Marketing Industry waits until declaring something "cool again." (Although VH-1, with crap like "I Love the '90s," may indeed push it to something like five years soon.) So, you could say something can be objectively looked at by hipsters once it's retroly-retro. Or something.

I say all this because I noted a critic saying that The Doors were, in effect, a joke.

So I feel compelled to come out and say: The Doors Rock!

If, indeed, "rocking" is worth much anymore these days...

If you're in any sort of relationship with the opposite sex, or ever have been, you know that men and women have different attitudes toward germs and cleanliness (speaking in generalities, of course--there are many exceptions along gender lines).

I still refuse to budge from my "Fear No Germs" attitude. At least until I see evidence of people actually dying from, say, eating a French Fry off the floor or something.

Sure, I'm unable to pay attention to EVERYTHING, I suppose. But I somehow missed the, say, Great Germ Epidemic of 1912, for instance, wherein thousands died due to a mere three-times-a-day-hand-washing regimen...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Charles Wagers.

I hope he's not living on an Indian reservation...

By the way, thanks a bunch for the tip-off that the latest standing head had a typo.

With pals like that, who needs USA Weekend-level editors?...

Huh?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2004:

Remakes--they epitomize corn.

Still, mainstream Film Industry's sworn

t'make writers extinct--

remake EVERYTHING(CT)-

but must that really include porn?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2004:

Today marks exactly 4 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Vending machines are going healthy!

Yup. Chips and candy bars are on their way out; yogurts and other tasteless crap are on their way in.

Considering the prices and quantities available in vending machines, has any of these companies done a study on whether or not a healthy attitude can even lead to an impulse buy?...

Over in the U.K., many schools are experimenting with child-on-child massage.

And it has nothing to do with the latest Michael Jackson/R. Kelly video.

Kids, well... Massage each other. Reportedly, this has cut down on fighting, arguing and all sorts of sooo-last-millennium kids' activity.

So kids are physically out of whack enough that they need massages over there?

Apparently, they still have the "old" vending machines over in Britain...

Oh, and I can't pass up another easy, sleazy gag on the last nugget:

Since they apparently don't read newspapers, at least from this century, let's try and keep word of this "successful experiment" from Catholic school personnel, okay?...

Speaking of Europeans, the Irish are reportedly rebelling in sizeable numbers against the Politically Correct Nightmare that is "no smoking in bars" laws.

Not much of a peep out of NY or, recently, Massachusetts. Although there was in Toronto years back.

We rebelled once. That's apparently good enough...

Jessica Simpleton's "Reality Tour" just hit town.

In briefing the review (and mentally de-briefing Jess), I noted her "bio hunk," which newspapers regularly publish for those living in caves, which mentioned her biggest hits as... Well, two cover songs.

That didn't exactly shock the pants off me. And if it'd shock the pants of HER... Well, I wouldn't mind the Bubble of Annoyance that surrounds anything she touches so much.

But anyway, I WAS a bit shocked to learn that the show entailed video footage of her getting lost on the way to the stage.

Surely, some of you have seen the movie, "This is Spinal Tap"?

You know, at least fat, be-rhinestoned Elvis was different.

Thanks, MTV. It is now possible for popular entertainers to become self-parodies of themselves while still managing to remain completely unoriginal...

Speaking of hot women you're unlikely to see naked, I had a revelation about Maxim magazine yesterday:

I actually find women's magazines to be more of a turn-on.

They have photos of women in skimpy outfits, too. Only with chick articles replacing the, er, "humor."

Perhaps, as with humor, accidental titillation is preferable to attempts that fall short...

Dennis Rodman was in the news today.

In the interest of objectivity, journalists, who are you kidding?

Shouldn't the expanded photo captions tell a wee bit more of the truth, as in, "Rodman did the ceremonial Run with the Bulls to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy" ... "and get his name back in the news"?...

There was a horrible, tragic fire in Chicago in a government building...this winter, I think it was. The hearings are still going on to determine what went wrong in the city's response to it, which left about a half-dozen dead.

Today, a panelist suggested that, had there been more female firefighters on scene, lives would have been saved because... Ahem. No need for details.

But you sometimes actually have to admire how one-issue folks can tie that issue to most anything, don't ya'?...

Time for another DL/S&Y Consumer Report:

Dominick's/Safeway is a shoddy operation.

Yesterday, found out that the packaging of their bleach isn't adequate to keep the bleach inside.

Haven't seen a bottle of water my wife's bought from there leak yet, though, so they have SOME sort of priorities, I suppose...

Came up with this quote the other day:

"The world is full of losers, many of whom are mysteriously disguised as winners."

What? You still want a witty capper for it?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Asst. U.S. Attorney Jim Barz.

And:

Ruby Livenggood.

Now I'm generally against playing matchmaker, but...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2004:

Our Homeland Sec.'s investigations

found Terror wants to strike the nation

during our elections--

my freakin' erection

could make that same prognostication!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2004:

Today marks exactly 3 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

A new survey finds that approximately 1/4th of all Internet users have surfed into graphic photos and video related to the Iraq War that the mainstream press, for good reason, avoids showing.

The survey also finds that about half of those surveyed (not all deemed "Internet users") believe that these photos should not be allowed on the Web.

Even about 1/3rd of those Internet users who did seek out the graphic images share this idea. Which is as clear-cut an example of government protecting us from ourselves as you can find.

I've said before that many politicians should be forced into taking a class in the Constitution, as they don't seem to "get" it.

Let me revise that:

We obviously need to find a way to give the entire fucking country a simultaneous Internet course, kicking out anybody who fails...

Real headline spied through a newspaper box on the cover of the July 7 edition of the Chicago Free Press. Which, by the way, is a gay-themed newspaper. Which wouldn't seem to matter, but it makes it all the funnier. You'll see.

So without further ado, here's the headline:

"Gay Discharges Continue Despite Soldier Shortfall."

I don't think an issue exists that's important enough to unite any entire community to discontinue THAT...

Microsoft now has a patent on using skin as a power source.

There are many details. But if you were in the mood for details, you wouldn't be reading this.

One interesting detail, however, is the fact that MICROSOFT DOESN'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY TECHNOLOGY TO DO WHAT IT HAS PATENTED. So I'm guessing this means that if you happen to invent the technology, Microsoft owns it.

Yet another real-life case study in how unregulated commerce spurs evolution and invention...

Song airlines, which I think I've heard of before, is offering the option of in-flight exercise to travelers.

Gather round, grandchildren, and I'll tell you exactly why they stopped romanticizing historical periods around the 1970s...

The nonprofit organization for which I work part-time is engaged in the general function of after-school educational activity for high-school-aged kids.

We recently partnered with a City of Chicago program whereby part of the process entails providing lunches for the students (which are given us by the city program).

Because of this, extra levels of bureaucracy kick in, necessitating the posting of various signs on our walls.

One of them refers to organizations like ours, providing these lunches, as "feeding sites."

Afterward, the kids all go home to their "separate cages," I guess...

Speaking of the fine job city schools are doing in educating our future welfare... Er, future leaders, I had the privilege today of being on a train full o' just-graduated-celebrating teens.

Noted one teen having her shirt signed by another. The shirt was already festooned with the words and signatures of fellow graduates.

First thing I saw was a misspelled word.

But, hey. Public schools are intended to give a GENERAL education. Graduates needn't be experts in all those tricky words, like "too"...

I read an interview with Adam McKay, director of "Anchorman," and learned that a gag shown in commercials is not in the movie.

Turns out, it was an "extra joke."

I've heard mixed things about the movie, but now I DEFINITELY want to see it.

There aren't many Hollywood films fulfilling the Minimum Joke Requirement to qualify as a comedy these days, much less films having actual EXTRAS...

John Kay, the lead man of Steppenwolf, refused to grant Paris Hilton and that other obnoxious rich whore the rights to use the song "Born to Be World" for "The Simpleton Life."

More evidence that we now have TV shows less artistically valid than the commercials within them...

Actual words from a 7.5 ounce bag of snacks:

"25% more chips than 6 oz. chips."

I don't care what the hell they taste like--their marketing department is chock full o' math nerds, and that's good enough for me!...

The plural of "orifice" should be "orifi."

It just flows much better than the technically correct plural.

I'm sure the word is one of those that sees more written use than the average word, but, nonetheless, it'd make things easier in my head.

Why, just last night, I was barbecuing and the upstairs neighbor chick came down the stairs, obviously dressed for a night on the town, and after she passed and we exchanged "hi's" (and, by the way, she's one of those who's commented favorably on the smell of my 'cue)... Well, I most thoroughly leered at her once her ass...er, back was to me and I could check her out without looking slimy, and I thought to myself, "I'd use EVERY ori..." Ahem.

As I said. "Orifi" just flows better than "orifices."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2004:

A "dirty bomb" threat's near unmentionable

but we're near election so tension-able.

If al-Qaida acts

the terror attacks

could well prove to be quite convention-al.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2004:

Today marks exactly 2 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Hmmm. Cheezy Saturday and I don't have any "nugget notes" in my Notebook to go on. What to do, what to do... Saganaki.

Ever order saganacki?

I resisted doing so for a long time. It just attracts so much attention to you. Waitress walking to your table with a big ol' tray taking up both hands, then she throws ouzo or whatever on it, lights it up, big ol' flame shoots up, everybody stops eating to look at you, perhaps the waitress yells "Opa!"

Well, I have gotten the gumption to order it recently. Twice. It's well worth it.

Ahem.

You know, am I unwittingly filling the gap that Larry King left when he stopped the USA Today column? If so, today's Cheezy Saturday proved to be a bit more thematic than I even intended...

By the way, in noting that my spellchecker didn't recognize "saganaki," I manually spellchecked it to see how it was supposed to be spelled and... Surprise, surprise. MS Word was of no help.

But it did suggest "seajack."

Which might've made for a more exciting nugget.

I think a "seajack" may have occurred when I worked at Long John Silver's, back in the proverbial "Day."

But, trust me. I was nowhere near the fry vat.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2004:

From surveys, if half had our druthers

we approve of government Big Mother.

"Protect Us From Ourselves"?

Even without the rights hell

they can hardly protect us from others.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2004:

Today marks exactly 1 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more! And if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site won't be up for the Big Day; but it will be soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Attention Sunday-Only Readers:

From now on I'm going to refer to ya' bastards as "Sunday and Special Edition-Only Readers."

Why? Like it or not, you're getting tomorrow's Five Year Anniversary Edition.

Although I can't really promise it'll be too beefy. Or have anything super out-of-the-ordinary. But you never know. I'm still thinking about it.

SOMEBODY will be checking in to mark the occasion. I'll leave it at that. Don't get TOO excited, though.

I'll give you a hint: It's NOT Jennifer Love Hewitt. The bitch.

But you're getting it because, after all, Daily Limerick will be Five Years Old! Not sure how much that is in "limerick years"...

Hey! How 'bout those Cubs, huh?...

Speaking of prognostications either predicting or denying doom, that Global Warming is sure hittin' home this summer, huh?...

To anybody who has anything to do with McDonald's:

Although that nothing-better-to-do, self-interested slimeball in San Fran is suin' you yet again over "trans fat" (because we all eat the best French Fries in the world purely for health reasons) my advice:

Don't do it. I'd prefer you went back to the animal fat oil, myself...

By the way, in case you haven't been looking at those newspaper stories that are "tucked in the back," so to speak, the family-friendly, all-American, can-do-no-wrong Disney Conglomeration is in the news (sorta) for a) its third injury-causing theme-park accident in a year's time and b) ripping off the writer of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" over their use of the song in "The Lion King."

I guess kids need "real world" role models...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I'd have to say the Bush Administration has been quite successful in defending the Iraq War. Largely because they haven't really HAD to defend it.

Instead, they have managed to keep the focus on whether or not Saddam had Weapons of Mass Destruction.

If that WERE the only issue, we'd instead be engaged in Operation North Korean and Iranian Freedom right now.

But we're not.

The Bushites have also been successful in keeping the only other issue regularly discussed in the Media as "whether or not there was an Iraq/al Qaida connection."

Even if you give 'em that one, with the few clandestine meetings and such not unlike most any nation in the Mid East, the more important question should be/ should have been: What happens when our military is in over its head over a "connection" when another Talibanesque actual "alliance" becomes apparent?...

Then again, we can plainly see Bush's point when he complains that a lot of his critics are steeped in Partisan Politics.

Take, for instance, the Senate panel that just concluded his administration basically, well, lied. Or at least pumped out "false data."

I mean, that whole damn panel is headed by a... Republican?...

While you're busy celebrating the newly announced and utterly non-shocking Kerry/Edwards ticket, don't forget:

Kerry was a big-time trial lawyer.

First, take a look around you. Still haven't crapped your pants? Then run to your garage or storage room. Grab an instruction booklet for a tool or appliance. Note how much space is allotted to actually using the product vs. the space allotted to topics like, oh, why you shouldn't run the belt sander across your face.

Feel your grin sag realizing that we're screwed any way you look at it. Just in different positions, depending.

But I will see that, this time around, at least the Dems are using lubricant...

Just a heads up, and a helpful reminder that not EVERY branch of government is hopeless:

The Supreme Court will be reviewing the Feds policy on marijuana, as it relates to the bundle of states that have approved it for medicinal purposes.

This could get REAL cool, folks. Far out, even...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Freddie Booker.

Was just sentenced for drug charges--and, Freddie, your name's not "Book-ee."

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Limerick-a-Day Promotion

Once upon a time, a guy decided to garner publicity for a limerick-related event by sending a limerick a day for a month to a select group of e-mail contacts nationwide.

After the first month, however... Aw, shucks. I think you've heard all this before.

Sunday story time is getting' a lot like a father who's been drinking, no?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/11/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Thrummer

We live in an age of magpies

and broken conduits dripping rain.

Their beaks are open, soundless --

glittery things drop from the trees.

The fences up the path are gone.

Yet they block some travelers.

The gazebo rotting cozily,

a body in the basement.

Keep its lips moist,

its eyes intent and fierce.

All endings trained to take

this haunted space.

A burned-out building

shuttered, torn down.

How much is imagination?

How much is realization?

Somewhere she knows,

she sings.

The birds won't fly overhead

the bodies of their dead.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2004:

One limerick a day for five years

since my Daily Lim'rick appeared.

Though lim'ricks seem base

at least on their face

trust me, they're much worse from the rear!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2004:

Today is Daily Limerick's FIFTH BIRTHDAY!...

But if you haven't yet figured it out, in true DL Fashion, that "real" Web site didn't make it up for the big day; but it will be up soon...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

From a July 11 AP story:

"The men's coach for the U.S. Olympic track and field team said Saturday that no squad will be more drug-free than the Americans in the Athens Games."

I thought "drug-free" implied that someone or something would be completely... Ahem.

No point in trying to follow logic in the War on Drugs at this point...

Well, today's the Big Fifth Anniversary, and I've been wondering what to do, Slappin' and Yappin'-wise, to commemorate it.

I've decided to do very little.

I thought about giving a little "insider" history on DL, but figured you see the gist of it every day and... Well, if this gets really big, then I'll worry about pumping out materials for the pathetic Super Fans and future students of DL history.

I thought about "saving up" special news nuggets, or hitting on most of my recurring beefs, or adding an extra "Election Preview," or doing a "Best Of"... All sorts of schemes.

But DL/S&Y has never been about that. Oh, sure, there are a few "special" things--Sunday Story Time, Christmas-themed limericks for December, etc. But for the most part, you get what the day calls for. Sometimes an extra "forced" limerick rhyme. Sometimes, if I must say so myself (and I usually must), an extra clever limerick. If I've had a rough day or didn't stumble across much that was S&Y-worthy, I leave it at that and you get Cheeze. If I'm in a Slappin' Yappin' mood and/or find all sorts of fodder in the news on a particular day, you get annoyingly long entries.

So today's is kinda brief. I dubbed today a "holiday" (as I have a few Personal Holidays across the calendar, like anniversaries, etc.)--that is, I'm not compelled to get in a certain amount of writing hours on various projects--but I wasn't initially sure how I'd use it. I could slack off, catch up on reading, etc., or I could make it an "Work on What I Want" day which, in this case, would be Daily Limerick and its under-construction, new Web site.

It ended up being a strange mix of the two.

Another reason for not goin' Celebration Happy became apparent when I pondered the Special Editions of various media--Anniversary TV shows, commemorative issues, etc. They're usually lame. For instance, I liked the show "Frasier" and in watching the Series Finale... I realized it certainly wouldn't make a list of my favorite episodes.

The thought occurred to me: Why doesn't somebody end a popular show with just another fine episode? There's no Law of the Universe that says you have to tie-up the loose ends or something--just work extra hard at making that episode embody all the things that made it popular to begin with. Business as usual.

And, of course, I'm also launching a "real" Web site in the near future to commemorate the anniversary, so why feel something else is needed?

So there you have it. A regular edition of S&Y--except, of course, this lengthy, sappy nugget.

Well address this topic more at 10 years...

Oh, and one other thing:

I've been thinking about different ideas for cheap "guerilla marketing" stunts for DL and I've come up with one: Little flyers simply saying www.DailyLimerick.net (I've reserved that domain name).

So I'll be depositing them around Chicago locations, and others as I travel. If anybody wants me to send them the "sheet" (which has the logo printed many times, suitable for photocopying, chopping up and then leaving at various places)--let me know.

I deserve an easy day after five years of this crap, anyway, so take your cheeze and read it, too.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/12/2004:

>To all readers, on this illustratious fifth anniversary of DL:

>

>Seeing as I'm going to be on a business trip on the Daily Limerick's fifth

>anniversary, let me offer this piece of useless wisdom from reading the

>Daily Limerick for well over a year.

>

>"Be careful out there."

>

>No explanation will be given, because none can be found.

>

>Mike

Hmm.

Didn't I tell you the congrats would just come rolling in for this special day?

To be honest, though, this one didn't exactly "roll" in. It more stumbled up to the door, looked back and forth for a while, wondered whether it indeed wanted to come in, and then passed out.

I kicked it the rest of the way through.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2004:

So Britney is goin' to get married?

My tip to her: Hurry, don't tarry--

these things can go fast

so ensure it lasts

till over the threshold you're carried.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

An Austrian Roman Catholic church was found to be in possession of a few child pornography photos on its computers.

The bishop for the Diocese chocks it all up to a "childish prank."

I can see where there may be confusion, but once and for all: 40,000 makes for a nice BALLOONS-FILLING-THE-RECTORY childish prank; framing one with kiddie porn only takes one or two pics.

But leave it to priests to put the "child" in "childish prank"...

I'm sure the wide-eyed, rabid minions of political correctness are just taking their time for a well-organized assault on the group.

The organization in question has rules against its members praying with those of different faiths. A higher-up at the org has gotten in a lot of trouble over this--and the fallout is still coming, a couple years after the incident occurred.

I've been waiting. I know the P.C. faithful are seething over this, barely able to contain themselves as their counter-plot slowly unfolds against the Lutherans.

What? Oh, the Lutherans are a religion? And a religion... Okay, at least a non-Catholic religion... Huh? Oh. Got it...

"Vitamin water" is on the market.

It's not brand, spanking new, either. Which means that people are buying "vitamin water."

Vitamin water.

Well, the old "selling the Brooklyn Bridge" metaphor is a bit dated, I suppose...

With newspapers having a rough time in this day and age, what with rising newsprint costs, competition from cable and the Internet, a constantly plummeting Lowest Common Denominator, etc.

So I have a space/money saving tip that will still bring readers the expert opinion of our legions of advice columnists. Replace all advice columns with the following:

Whatever your problem, put it (and your wallet) in the hands of the Counseling Industry and join some sorta 12-step group...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Fox News' Jim Angle.

You knew they've always had one; now it just has a name.

And:

June Coon.

That's an unsavory month to be dumpster diving.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2004:

>Hey John -

>

>Happy anniversary and Congratulations!  You've really accomplished

>something, and done it with style.

>

>Good luck with the website.

I told you the congrats might come rolling in!

At least I didn't have to kick that one across the threshold.

Oops! Didn't mean to accidentally quote J-Lo there.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2004:

Madonna's long run out of "shock."

So now, she dons a mystic's frock.

At least tired sex stuff

was worth-a-look fluff--

Kaballa don't tingle the cock.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Keith Emerich of Pennsylvania revealed to his doctor that he drank a six-pack of beer per day.

Gotta admire the guy. Although it makes perfect sense to come clean to a pro who's in charge of tuning-up your overall health--and ridiculously well-paid in that capacity--many folks, especially men, don't trust doctors. And here's why:

Soon after his "good boy" visit, Emerich got a letter in the mail from the DMV (or whatever they call it there) informing him that his license was revoked for "substance abuse."

Of course, the main issue here is the expectation of confidentiality in the doctor/patient relationship. But there are others. There's the overall impression by the males of the species that doctors can't be trusted, which most agree should be battled. There's the idea that "substance abuse," at least when the substance is alcohol, isn't illegal by itself--and, although the story was brief, I don't think Emerich stated that he drank the six-pack behind the wheel (one would assume he did it from home, before going to bed and after a hard day's work).

And of course there's the fact that although poor Emerich was identified for all  the world to read about, the doctor's name was curiously absent from the coverage I saw, at least. Oh, and the more I think on this... There's the fact that the AMA or the PMA, at least, seemingly hasn't weighed-in on this and... Ahem.

Focusing on these auxiliary questions now, however, is a bit like focusing on whether or not to outlaw gay marriage when organizations are plotting the destruction of the country and your security measures against these plots are questionable.

Ahem. I mean, it's a bit like busying much of your police force to crack down on tavern smoking when... Ahem.

Ah! The things I could achieve without my pesky common sense...

I saw an ad today in the newspaper trumpeting "Chicago's newest adult entertainment Web site" (or words to that effect) called www.polkame.com.

I tried figuring out what the recognizable, non-Web-address name for this site could be and all I could come up with was "Polka Me."

Which is a cool enough phrase, although not for any reasons of an "adult" nature.

If you note any accordion players with especially suspicious grins in the near future, I've got a guess as to why.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2004:

"Gay Marriage Ban" vote has decided

too few "yes" votes can be provided.

Critics cried "divisive!"

That's doubly incisive--

now even GOP's divided.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Some politicians are now accusing the INS of racial profiling.

INS, for those not in the know, is the Department of Immigration and Naturalization Services.

We have a long way to go.

Still, in this enlightened day and age, nobody seems to mind as police nationwide continue to engage in rampant pedophile profiling...

Three stories, one nugget:

1) A Japanese merger, for which experts foresee few problems in gaining government approval, would birth a corporation with more assets than Britain and France combined.

2) The Mexican government has implanted computer chips in about 100 workers for "security purposes."

3) In reading about a trial involving legal-and-campaign-contributing drug makers accused of giving "gifts" to researchers in exchange for approval and a quick prescription pen, I learned that the process is not illegal whatsoever, unless some concrete and or implied contract stating such an arrangement exists.

I used to read a lot of science fiction--especially the dark, pessimistic kind.

These days, I read more for escapism...

Has anybody else noticed that both the NBA and the NHL--two leagues that have greedily added so many playoff games that their regular seasons are mere jokes--have gone so Hollywood that their major stars have demanded to play for L.A. teams?

The Cheeziness is finally catching up to them both. And it's Karma-san cheese...

Ugh...

Even for S&Y! Again, I say UGH!...

Jessica Alba has been cast in an upcoming "X-Men" movie to play "Invisible Girl."

Now an invisible girl is...you know. And Jessica Alba is...you know.

Was Star Jones really that busy?...

A little history:

When I was a child in the '70s, and more and more people were beginning to purchase personal cameras, the bane of all cocktail parties and get-togethers soon went by a two-word moniker: "Home Movies."

The fear of this insidious trend that nearly Should Not Speak Its Name only grew with time, until... (Sigh.)

My TV Grid for today lists--and, if any consolation is even possible, I think it is merely a local show on a low-powered station--a show called "Home Videos."

The more things change... The more I shit my pants.

Why do I even bother cleaning 'em, at this point?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Former Florida Governor Reuben Askew.

Think he had something to do with the state's election process.

And:

Travel and Leisure magazine editor Nathan Lump.

He's their go-to guy on hotel movie options.

And:

Britney Spears' fiancé, Kevin Federline.

Well, it certainly worked for him, didn't it?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2004:

Bushites, hitting Kerry-Heinz ties

have made their own ketchup to buy.

It pours with a bluster

and picks fights with mustard

when it gets attacked by the fries.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

VH-1's "I Love the '90s" may be the most pathetic programming I've ever seen. It's hard to get nostalgic when... No. I'll just leave it at that:

"I Love the '90s" may be the most pathetic programming I've ever seen...

Spoke too soon. After jotting down that observation, I saw a Coppertone commercial that capitalized on the "skin cancer fear factor." I guess, however, it's not really "programming" but...

Aw, hell. Flipped around quite a bit last night.

I'll stop making those pronouncements now.

There's just too damn much competition.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2004:

Last night, saw chick stumblin' home drunk--

hot, skimpily dressed--that's no bunk.

Sweet as Russell Stovers

daydream bent her over

and went in smooth--like a slam dunk!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

A correction:

In musing about how Star Jones should play "Invisible Girl" and Jessica Alba most certainly shouldn't, I misidentified the movie that this superheroine will be appearing in.

It's "The Fantastic Four," not "X-Men."

Although, throw an "X" in there in a certain way and I'd much, much, MUCH prefer Jessica to star...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Steve Starman.

He's far out, man.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2004:

Bush ads now tout, incredibly

the state of the economy.

If you're still thinking he

might be worth your vote... Gee

why should they put much thought into spin.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Medicare is now considering classifying obesity as a disease.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can... Well, quite frankly, not necessarily be your fault...

The latest Six Flags...er, mascot? Pitchman? Guy in the ads?

Anyway, he's "Mr. Six." Chances are you've seen him in commercials because chances are you live in a region where Six Flags advertises because they have a theme park in the area. If not, consider yourself lucky. Well, perhaps you'd like the theme park, but at least you're missing the ads.

Mr. Six is a very old guy in a nice suit. Perhaps it's a tux; I often cringe when I see him. He has comically large glasses, makes funny faces and does funny dances. Actually, I think it's a young guy in a mask, but they're keeping it a secret, of course.

Media types, especially those covering advertising for business sections, have fallen in love with Mr. Six. They refer to him as the "hot new pitchman," "popular ad icon," etc.

According to these media types, whoever's behind Mr. Six has done a great job because viewers love him.

I've heard about a dozen people weigh in on Mr. Six.

Haven't heard any love.

Heard him called "creepy." "Scary." Oh, "annoying" is another one.

So media types and the ad community think... Hmmm. While the actual people seem to think... Hmmm.

Well, things DO make more sense the more you analyze them, although that doesn't bring a feeling of complete comfort...

First, MTV mostly dropped music videos from its programming, effectively bringing into question exactly what "M" means.

Then, the rest of television began to emulate MTV's M-lacking programming. The "Real World's" "reality"... Well, YOU know.

Then, the M-lacking emulation spawned stuff like home decorating shows, for example, which was in turn emulated from the M-lacking emulators by what was emulated from.

Etc. Etc.

Now, ESPN, through "ESPY Awards" and what not, is actually moving away from sports.

In the not too distant future, there will be only one channel.

Oh, on the surface, the number of stations will only continue to grow.

But, again, there will really only be One Channel...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Okay, there's an argument to be made for the "Tough on Democracy," er, "Tough on Terror" angle of the Bush Administration... But can you believe he's also using "The Economy" as a campaign angle?

Didn't realize that bankruptcy attorneys were considered among those coveted "swing voters"...

One of the cornerstones of our legal system is the idea, from the English Common Law, that the "lord" is responsible for his "liege." That is, if a Piggly Wiggly delivery driver runs over your baby, Piggly Wiggly is held accountable for the wrongs of those in its employ--partly because the delivery driver himself is probably ill able to fork over money for Junior's medical bills.

So how does Bush get away with passing the buck on, say, Iraq?

Oh, that's right. As Dubya himself is quick to point out, he answers as liege to an especially powerful Lord.

I'm not gonna hold that particular "boss" accountable for THIS mess, however.

Actually, thinking about all this literally runs me the risk of breaking all World Pessimism records, so enough, already...

So, Bush is lettin' the daughters out to stump for him and they're making media appearances.

Jenna Bush, apparently the more outspoken of the two, has indicated that she was never very interested in politics.

So, she's now to be taken seriously for her political views because... Hmm.

The Bush Administration, contrary to popular belief, DOES engage in a form of affirmative action. They're remarkably dedicated to avoiding discrimination on the basis of qualifications...

First Daughter Jenna raised...

Speaking of the apple not rotting too far from the tree, is it really so odd that such huge numbers of Americans are living (and goin' after the Hendersons) on credit, with a devil-may-care-about-the-future attitude to boot?

I mean, take a look at, well, Congress...

Turning my pen, or fingers anyway, to those who would be our Political Saviors, John Kerry and John Edwards both avoided the preliminary "Marriage Amendment" vote earlier in the week.

In politics, words speak louder than actions...

Kerry and Edwards have also neglected to have Hillary Clinton speak at the Democratic National Commercial at the end of the month. I guess that, like Al Gore, they have their reasons for distancing themselves from the only insanely popular Democratic president in recent history.

(Grunt.)

Yup. Just pooped 'em.

You know, although it may be a given that we're ignorant of history and doomed to repeat its mistakes... But can we at least give it more than four years?...

When I first heard that Mike Ditka was being approached about and/or considering the Republican nomination for Illinois senator left vacant by swingin' Jack Ryan, my first thought was... Actually, it was a mix of thoughts, really, none of them leading in any one direction. (A mental state not foreign to me--and one behind many a Slappin' and Yappin'.)

By the way, I am speaking of THE Mike Ditka. Ex-Chicago Bears coach, erection-drug shill, etc. A god across most of Illinois.

Anyway, this potpourri of thoughts led eventually to one semi-coherent conclusion: Eventually, and probably sooner than later, the line between celebrity and politician will be erased. Pundits won't lambaste a party for fielding a "politically unqualified actor," for instance, but they might lambaste a party for fielding an actor from a lousier show than the incumbent's.

Oh, there were (sigh)s aplenty over this revelation, of course.

But then it occurred to me: That will just make it OFFICIAL that our country is run by photogenic, largely ignorant, helpless-without-handlers puppets...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Eleanor B. Kukula.

And for an encore, Eleanor will B Fran--and, finally, Ollie.

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Man Meets Bar.

Man walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What'll ya' have?"

Man says, "Bud."

Not the finest of Sunday Story Times, I know, but undoubtedly a true story.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/18/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Small word

Hurt is a small word.

The most violent thing about it

the clipped whisper of the 't.'

Innocuous and subtle,

it burrows into hearts,

turns blood into gold,

then oil,

then glass.

It's transmitted by

poisoned lips,

in words or kisses

that betray an underlying decay.

keeping communication off the mind

until all ruptures, all spills out,

leaving nothing to clean up all's mess.

Apologies are salves,

but the flesh never fully recovers.

A mottled colour in hopes is revealed,

ripening in the sunlight.

Ambition is on crutches,

and the small gem-bullet

of love breaks into a deeper wave

of self-loathing, or

unidentified frustration.

Hurt,

like water,

is a small word.

They both muddy up the dust.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2004:

Martha say her plight's like the fella--

quite naturally, Nelson Mandela.

Though it's PR game

that statement's so lame

it needs to be suffixed with "hella-."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Martha Stewart has actually compared her plight to that of Nelson Mandela's.

Hmmm.

I guess that included in all the things Mandela fought for was indeed the right of black South Africans to express themselves through quaint, interchangeable-holiday wreaths...

Whenever the topic of Madonna comes up, somebody has to pipe in with, "You've gotta admit that she's a marketing genius."

Nonetheless, call me old-fashioned, but when the time comes for music listening, I'm a little more impressed with a MUSICAL genius, myself...

Speaking of marketing geniuses, Six Flags is facing spiraling attendance at its theme parks.

But, hey--everybody loves that Mr. Six, although they show it in strange ways, like calling him "creepy" and saying "I HATE these commercials!" whenever they see him...

World-famous Second City--the Chicago and Toronto-based sketch-improv phenomenon that spurred "Saturday Night Live" and still trains many of Hollywood's eventual leading comedy figures--has been conducting "corporate events" for some time but is just now getting started with training business people (mostly salespeople) in improv skills--for business.

Now, in Second City's defense, most of what they are known for is not truly "improv." The troupes come up with ideas through an improv processed, but what patrons pay to see has been honed considerably and is more properly sketch comedy.

That having been said... Salespeople. Improv.

In combining these two things, this simply HAS to be at LEAST one of the steeds of the Four Horsemen of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Emilie B. Hurter.

It's ridiculously overused as a punchline here, I know, but I simply must have dated her.

And:

Margaret M. Johncock.

The "M" stands for "Mmmm."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2004:

VH-1's retro "I love the..." shows

are okay, as cheezy shows go

for seventies/eighties

but '90s? Try waiting!

What's next? The "I Love Last month" show?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

First, some tabloid published pictures of Britney Spears chugging alcohol out in the open along Southern California streets.

Now, Britney's PR Monster is disputing the lil' story, claiming she was drinking, oh, Red Bull or something.

Gather around, grandkids, and I'll tell you of an age when musicians considered any hints of rebellion to be good publicity...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Organizations) for No Real Good Reason:

Jund al Sham.

One member of this Islamic militant group sent out a press release threatening to cut off Israeli hands, while a leader for the group called the release illegitimate (sort of gives itself a punchline, no?).

 

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2004:

First MTV excised its "M"

now ESPN... then again

it's really not new

as apathy's grew

CNN fades out its first "N."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

A small town in Texas has come into the national spotlight because it has a street named "Jap Road."

Politicians, courts, activists... Not sure of all the do-gooders involved, but they've now decided they'll be re-naming the road.

At first glance, even for the most anti-P.C. among us, this makes perfect sense.

Except for a bit of history:

The road was named by a Japanese rice farmer who lived at the end of it.

Ignorance of political correctness, evidently, is no excuse. Hell, ignorance of political correctness that could take place decades in the future is no excuse...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

House Majority Whip Roy Blunt (D-Mo.).

Was quoted as saying a proposal by 9-11 Commission to eliminated term limits for members of key Congressional panels was a "particularly bad idea," pretty much keeps in line with his moniker.

And:

Nancy Taxman.

Doesn't have a lot of friends; or, on second thought...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2004:

While their ad folks sit around bragging

'cause Mr. Six has tongues a'wagging

among the ad schmucks.

Real folks think he sucks

and it seems their sales are Six Flagging.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

What a coincidence! Todd Hamilton won the British Open in the same year a movie debuted that was all about winning a date with him!

What? TAD? Oh.

Well, in any event, the British Open would make a fine date. At least a make-out date. You know how in high school and such you pick a movie that you know you won't like a lot and, oh, my, this is a stupid nugget...

I'm rootin' for the Kansas City T-Bones!

I'm not even sure what they play. I think it's minor league baseball.

But that's a fine name for a team, which is all too rare. We need more fine names--not too many, as I'm just aiming to make 'em medium rare...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Charles Hoots.

And if it's over the belly shirts of today, he needs glasses.

And:

Law firm Motley Rice.

At this point, they need a celebrity sex video to keep in the limelight.

And:

Darrel Hassler.

Ain't gonna say it, exactly anyway, but I think I dated his daughter.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2004:

The tabloids caught Britney a'boozin'

and, somehow, her rep took a bruisin'

though she's a..."musician" (?).

Bad news DL's dishin'--

'gainst Disney-fication, we're losin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

As I've recently begun the habit of putting any nuggets that are "political" into the SPECIAL PULL-OUT ERECTION COVERAGE for Sunday Editions, I have absolutely nothing to say today.

Okay, I'll give you this one, although it's rightfully ERECTION-related:

Host cities for the upcoming party commercials...er, conventions, are reporting that little profit will come to the towns because so much is being spent on security.

Since party nominees haven't been actually decided at these conventions for decades, other than serving as two big, honkin' Summer Terror Targets, what's the point?

Especially since the Dems' suspense has been ruined with Dennis Kucinich officially throwing in the towel yesterday.

Oh. Almost forgot. I think Alan Keyes is still campaigning...

About a month ago, my wife wanted to non-legally separate. We've lived "together-but-separate" since; she's moving out September. I agreed, at least that SOMETHING needed to be done, but feel we could try counseling, etc., and that she hasn't made much effort... She kissed a guy she's "flirted" with for a while, which may be a form of adultery; don't know. So, it's a begrudging acceptance. I'm willing to try separation as long as there's SOME hope, and I'm confused, but think there's a bit. I expect divorce, and want to emotionally and legally prepare for it. Also, if there are reasons I'm unaware of to alter our current plan--if I'd be better off filing divorce quicker, or first, etc.--I want to know.

Married in Calif. Aug. 2000. 36, 31. Had "understanding" beforehand on lifestyles and desire to have kids. Dated three years; lived together 2.5. When we met, she was on long temp work transfer in Chicago (where she's from and has family); I convinced her to stay longer, in exchange for my "trying" L.A. (in Sept. 1999). She was in sales of corp. housing; now a DOS for hotel. I'm a writer/ journalist, and I've worked a combination of part-time and/or full-time, in-office and/or freelance jobs all along; lower-income, but growing. She's always made more.

I hated L.A. Following the 2000 economy, both our in-office jobs dove; she lost hers. We moved back to Chicago, after only a year. She wasn't thrilled, but it made sense economically (we stayed briefly with her Ps) and she "agreed" it'd be best to have kids close to our parents, and admitted that her L.A. love was an "early 20s" thing; wasn't the same now. I first noted "two Rhondas." She didn't lie, was conflicted. Negative comments arose "boring parents with kids," against committing to living one place her whole life, etc., which I saw as normal ambiguity. In L.A. she displayed "intimacy problems." She copped to them at times, coming from a dysfunctional family, estranged deadbeat dad, few relationship role models. She tried counseling, but briefly.

Granted: Her making more money brought strain. But my life's dedicated to being a professional writer (etc.), with the sacrifice that entails, and I explained that on our first date: "I can't guarantee stay-at-home motherhood." Pre-California, she was made aware too, that, given my career, it was tough to coordinate a job and move--people in my field(s) make sure to find a new job first. And, oddly enough, Rhonda originally encouraged me to focus on a freelance career, in L.A., as it'd bring us flexibility in child-rearing. And I was never the guy sitting on the couch all day allegedly "working on a novel." I've sold to MAD Magazine. Performed at the Comedy Store in L.A. Wrote regular "news poems" for the Chicago Tribune's RedEye. Etc. In fact, MY working too much was a problem early on.

We seemed to touch base, philosophically, in the important ways. Despite my work ethic, family is top priority; I despise the "work over life" ethic. She said she agreed. For example, her favorite aunt had lived in Europe for a time, and Rhonda'd speak of a "European lifestyle" where it wasn't as much about getting ahead but about family, etc. Nonetheless, I oft obsessed over being the "lower wage" in the relationship, as her actions didn't always match her words. I was extra willing to sacrifice and compromise.

After moving in together originally, I cut after-work computer hours for more "hang-out time" daily. When "lifestyles" battled, I'd often defer, figuring "I can't make her do with less." I was open to living in less-than-hip neighborhoods, doing without a car, at least a new car, but wouldn't push my "preferred lifestyle," although we spoke of more compromise to ease my eventually "taking over as prime earner." By 2002, she admitted "resentment," over money and her feeling "trapped." She claimed to feel this mainly financially, but I think it's over missing out on more single life, not moving around, etc. (I'm at a point where I pay my "half" the bills, but "trapped" it still is.)

Over the last year, I began regularly, thoroughly cleaning the house (all along I've "touched up," done basics). (Even when my working hours surpassed hers.) All along, I've balanced the checkbook, paid the bills, did most grocery shopping and cooking, even loads of little things, like set the alarm clock each day. Partial house-husband. It was partly to fix the "intimacy"--she complained that I didn't help enough around the house, I "fixed" that and... Like increasing my "hang-out" time, the requested change didn't cause her to return the efforts.

We bought a condo August of 2003. East Lakeview, when I'd suggested Edgewater, etc. As a promised wedding gift, my parents paid the down payment, $30K. We tried for pregnancy, briefly. Then she became Director of Sales for a new hotel. She complained about horrific hours (especially early on) and lamented that most DOSes don't have families or are divorced. It seemed a "temporary thing for the resume" then, but she's recently admitted she may like the work-heavy life. I'm now almost convinced that not only has she "fought" me over lifestyle rather than following an agreement, but fought against US, consciously or unconsciously thwarting our life together. This is strongly apparent in our credit card problems.

We first racked 'em up in L.A. With a not-in-her-life father, we paid for our own wedding and... I began sounding the alarm; we need to start saving, investing. In fact, that was my one "baby requirement": As long as I've waited to have kids, I wanna be financially healthy--not necessarily big nest egg, but starting to save money, free of credit card debt. My father is options expert and told me we only needed $1,000 to start; I'd learn and spend time doing it, in effect increasing our income. I haven't been able to save that $1,000 to this day, despite us now being a six-figure household.

When we returned to Chicago, my parents co-signed a loan to pay off $30,000 worth (after wedding, two moves, etc.). The stated, unwritten arrangement was that we'd stop credit cards. But things were rocky for a while still (I was laid off after taking forever to find work) and we racked up a few thousand more. I'd make double and triple payments, bringing them down... She began buying willy-nilly instead of asking our situation first, as was our "system." Ala, "If you just wait ONE MORE PAYCHECK, we can use the debit card"... And she'd throw it on a credit card anyway. "I work hard; deserve it"--resentment either over me, or perhaps over ANY MAN, even advising her on purchases.

Moving into the condo, the credit cards were almost paid off, again, thanks partly to a car accident, insurance company paid off the car, etc., and we pocketed the extra money, did without. We were literally a month or two away from having the $1K... ("Then, you can get a car.") She then called me from a car dealership, "looking." She was about to buy an SUV but wanted "my approval." NOTE: I'm a bit of an SUV-basher, and this was no secret--and she'd previously "agreed." She bought the SUV. $600 monthly payment, plus insurance, etc. The investing was once again off. THEN, we applied to refinance our earlier debt loan and add the later credit cards and that looked like a go, but we were in the end rejected. She opened up some new credit cards SOON AFTER we applied--GAP, Banana Republic, etc.--and I think that's bothered lenders.

Oh, and to add to it all, she kissed a guy she works with recently. She told me for a while before that she was "attracted" to him and that they'd "talked a lot." I at first thought this was just being honest; we always made a big deal about honesty and it seemed she wanted it "off her chest" that her mind strayed (she'd told me over the years of guys she found attractive, in the interests of "open and honest"). Seven-year itch, etc., I guess I overlooked it, though the actual kiss changed things.

Things have deteriorated even more rapidly since the SUV. But a lot has come to the forefront; she's voiced many of the "Second Rhondas" I previously just suspected. But we've been surprisingly civil, we've planned to continue married/ sorta-separated for a bit in any event, since we're applying for a mortgage refinance--to lock in a low interest rate in case we keep and/or are stuck paying on the condo. We've discussed and mostly agreed upon on "equal" solutions to paying mortgage, her rent, etc. They seem "fair," but one way or the other, I'm ending up with more financial drain than I would have bargained for, had I known I'd end up single with it so...

I have specific questions, but so you know, overall, I'm wondering: Is our current arrangement a "good deal" for me? Am I best off "unofficially separated" rather than divorced? Legally separated? Selling the condo ASAP? Moving out myself rather than her? And I'm making a lot of assumptions with what I know, what she says, etc., for my current plan of action, but realize that things can change radically--so what are things I should look out for, be prepared to act differently in the event of? Etc.? Etc.? Etc.?

I know that we can't completely avoid the legal system if we do decide to divorce--or even if we continue as we are, perhaps. But as much as possible, I'd like to avoid fighting over stuff. So, if possible, depending on the issues and how things pan out as we discuss them, we'd both like to try to utilize things like mediation, arbitration, whatever. So I hope you'll let me know on what issues that may or may not be appropriate, etc., and you may be able to refer me to appropriate people.

First of all, although I haven't filled my parents in on this, for various reasons, I know the first thing they'll say: "We can't let her keep $15,000 from that down payment; we assumed you'd be starting a family, etc." Unfortunately, I also know that most of the "agreement" was just implied. The home, and the gift, are in both our names. Is there any way to keep her from keeping that gift money?

Do her acts in any way possibly constitute adultery? How would that affect things?

Concerning the mortgage: She decided to move out instead of me for a variety of reasons, a biggie being that we've decided I'll keep our cats in any event as she may be moving around, etc. and I've always fed and cared for them; we're both "animal people" and want the cats uprooted as little as possible. We pay $1,500/ month, between mortgage and association fees. Due to her "pushing" the more expensive home and such, and admitting that, she's agreed to keep paying $500 toward it each month, at least for now. (I'd pay the other $500 and a friend/ roommate another.) And she'll pay her rent. On one hand, you could argue that I should pay more: $1,500/2 = $750 plus half her rent of $750 for a total of $1,075, then minus my "half" of the roommate rent ($250) for a total of $825. Or on the wildly optimistic side of the spectrum (although I realize the answer's probably in between), could you say since it's her decision to separate/move out, I just owe half my mortgage/ass. fees and, since I'm bringing in a roommate, too, because she's moved out, I can even deduct the $500 of his rent from MY expenses? What's the deal?

I'm wondering about the credit card debt. I know that, legally, we're "one person." One card has been her "just for work" one; her work pays that. There is one other with both our names on it (although it's "her" purchases against my wishes). And then there are a few that are newer, I think just in her name, and I don't think she has a problem with taking on those. So, am I saddled with anything she doesn't voluntarily say "isn't mine?" And what can I do--should I remove my names from some?

As far as "equal" settlements, are "quality of life" requirements taken into account--that is, does it make any difference that I urged us to buy a home with a cheaper mortgage, didn't want the car, etc.? (She's said I needn't worry about the car payments.)

Although this is not something I really want to claim, for my info, does my playing "house husband" factor into anything?

I would prefer she sell the wedding and especially engagement rings to use for any shared debts. Can she refuse to do that? Can divorce require it?

I doubt there'd be a fight over this, but you never know: If she wanted the cats, how would that likely be settled?

Mediation and-or arbitration?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2004:

Saw an ad for T-Mobile phones

without Catherine Zeta-Jones!

They less annoy me

with brief fantasy

of throwin' her a Meta-Bone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Writing photo captions is a skill that is rarely celebrated. Caption writers don't even get bylines for the work. But, done properly, it can tell the whole story behind a photo with limited space.

I saw a photo of Kirstie Alley in the newspaper today. Haven't gotten around to reading or, more likely, scanning the actual story yet, but in very little space... Well, let's just say that, if there's a Pulitzer category for photo caption writing, this writer deserves it for managing to at least sum up Ms. Alley, if not the story (for, as I said, I haven't delved into the story itself).

The oughta-be-award-winning-caption:

"Kirstie Alley

'Comedy/Reality'"...

Has anybody else noticed that the Standing Head is sometimes longer than the actual Slappin' and Yappin' on Cheezy Saturdays?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2004:

Like Bush, wish 9-1-1 was Saddam;

this war over when we had got 'em--

one man, one regime;

terrorists, one team--

but I know, there's no top or bottom.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Did anybody else notice that Slappin' and Yappin' has come up with many of the same conclusions as the 9-11 Commission over the months?...

You know, I really, truly wish that Saddam Hussein was responsible for Sept. 11.

The answers to a lot of things would be far simpler.

This may be the first opinion I have in common with Dubya. Although I'm guessing our reasons for wishing this differ...

So now it seems that ol' Wilson, who made the media rounds and such to say that Saddam was not trying to obtain uranium in Africa, may have himself been lying. That is, Saddam probably at least looked into the idea.

And, again, I have to point out that this is quibbling for the sake of quibbling, as both Iran and North Korea are pretty much proven to have WMDs, although you could also argue that North Korea isn't in the volatile Mid East. Which in turn brings a counter-argument that North Korea is a lot closer to the U.S. and, thus, probably the biggest WMD-danger outside of al-Qaida dirty bombs.

But... Well, my point (I do have them from time to time):

Of all the negative things you can say about ol' Saddam, "stupid" is not one of them.

So, even if we take it as a given that he actually purchased the uranium, and had well-hidden missile silos and stuff all ready to go... Would it really be a danger to the U.S. right away? He would immediately try firing a missile WAY the hell off to U.S. shores before even trying to nail his pesky neighbors--Israel, Kuwait, etc.?

We probably won't get to discussion of these things. Political Scandal Handling 101 teaches pols to keep our dish filled with Quibbles & Bits...

So Bush says he'll look into the possible Iran/al-Qaida connection as it concerns the events of 9-11.

It seems that Iranians helped with a sort of "passport shuffle" so that militants coming into the country from Afghanistan wouldn't have their papers stamped to indicate an Afghan visit, which was even then a red flag to U.S. customs. And in saying "Iran" did this, I mean the actual religious nuts in power, not just random citizens.

It's taken some goading to get Bush interested in this.

So, let's review. Iran is brazenly pursuing a program of WMDs. Iran's government, of sorts, probably aided al-Qaida folk. And, might I mention, both of these situations are rather direct--unlike, oh, other members of the axis of evil, whose implication in these arenas is largely based on speculation, hearsay, etc. Oh, and to top it all off, Bush is only marginally interested in investigating this further.

Georgie, do you even REMEMBER Osama bin Laden?...

A House panel passed a bill this week called "The Family Movie Act."

It would allow companies, namely some whack-job one in Utah, to produce technology allowing a DVD viewer to see a lame... Er, "family friendly" version of movies, excising the violence, sex and other such things.

The movie industry, naturally, has some problems with this. But, hey, in an age where defending the American way of life is a top priority, the First Amendment doesn't weigh in very heavily...

Guess what?

The Democrats AREN'T just plain stupid. They actually DID purposefully try to distance the Kerry campaign from the Clintons.

But Kerry stepped in and changed that.

So... I guess that, other than Kerry, maybe the ARE just plain stupid...

"And then along comes Kerry"...

You do know, of course, that the Iraq War helps Kerry and the Democrats, too.

Oh, you can argue that it has hurt Bush also, I suppose, but as long as there's a war--any war--a Republican can count on the brain dead "Yay Freedom but you can't have none 'cause there's a war on" vote, so I think it helps Bush more than it harms him.

Concerning its effect on the Kerry campaign, I'm not talking about the obvious reason the war helps him--being, of course, that there's nothing better than major fuck-ups to help a non-incumbent.

No, the Iraq war keeps the campaign focus on the shoulda-been-irrelevant Iraq Question(s). So neither candidate has to give their plans for sticky questions of diplomacy such as Iran, North Korea, China/Taiwan, etc.

And, as you should know by now, if for no other reason than reading Slappin' and Yappin', nothing hurts a politician more than being forced to come up with solutions to problems of actual importance...

And now we get to the portion where we bash government in general:

Here in Illinois, legislators have been engaged in a standoff over the state's next budget. The governor would claim it's over "education spending"; the senate majority leader that it's over "fiscal responsibility"; the senate majority leader... blah blah blah.

Well, the budget was close to complete at "press" time, after the state's government set a record for a budget-less run. One of the yahoos involved actually revealed what impasse was REALLY important in the Budget Battle by expressing relief that it should be solved in time for all the Democrats involved to head to the Democratic Political Commercial in Boston next week.

Just another example of our Pubic Servants in action...

(Come to think of it, if they WERE really "Public Servants," they'd be a helluva lot more useful...)

Also in Illinois, as the state GOP scrambles to find a replacement candidate for wannabe swinger Jack Ryan, here's another two names fielded after Mike Ditka refused:

Former tennis great Jimmy Connors and former Chicago Bears football star Gary Fencik.

Soon, there will just be a new question on not just political, but every job application:

"Describe your level of celebrity"...

Here in Chicago, a hubbub has been going on for some time regarding the oft unscrupulous tactics of companies who tow and/or Denver-boot those allegedly parked illegally.

Yesterday, the City Council unveiled a "Parking Bill of Rights."

Why such action after years of inaction? The people's interests?

Alderman and License Committee Chairman Eugene Schulter perhaps unwittingly gave us the answer. In describing what might happen if the abuses continue, he said that "We will seriously look at banning the boot by private companies."

Hmm.

So, in banning the contracts to private companies, to whom would the duties fall?

Public companies.

And what's another word for "public" companies?

Government companies.

Aha...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Me and the Lesbians

Wow! That's gotta be the most exciting title for a Sunday Story Time so far.

But, anyway, I really haven't had many dealings with lesbians. And certainly not any of those who tend to wear stiletto heels, bits of lingerie and who always have an Asian in the bunch.

But I once worked with some lesbians who were like a pack of beered-up guys at a Super Bowl party. They'd comment on the racks of other chicks in the office and such. And, I'll admit, although the stereotype says they generally prefer more butch looking chicks, this particular group had real good taste.

But, again, they weren't stiletto wearing...yadda yadda yadda.

A pair of lesbians has been working at this neighborhood cigar store I've been occasionally visiting lately. On the outside, they seem much like the Super Bowl lesbians.

But one recommended some lousy cigars to me. Even after knowing my general preference in the slightly more expensive types that they sell.

This week... I'm not sure, but I think they ripped me off. Either I a) misplaced my change (and I haven't misplaced money since I stopped drinking), b) the other guy making a purchase at the same time either purposefully or accidentally took my change or c) I was ripped off by the damned lesbians. Who, by the way, aren't "damned" if they in fact didn't take my money.

But they still have lousy taste in cigars.

And judging by the lack of stilettos, lingerie and an Asian, lousy taste in a lot of things.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/25/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Focusing in

Mold your mouth to mine.

I don't care about

the people in the

street below us;

the foliage -- dark,

overgrown -- on both

sides of the road.

Just this room:

and you in it.

Balancing on the

tips of being devoured.

Work your jaws.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2004:

Now starts political conventions

with level of Media attention

that turns Press to droolers

yet, 'round water coolers,

rightfully hear nary a mention.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

This season, I have actually noted multiple instances of Cubs fans blaming "The Media" for the Cubs... Well, for being the Cubs so darn well.

They do say the pen is mightier than the sword.

Probably mightier than most of the Cubs' bats at this point, too...

Legendary Las Vegas hotel The Golden Nugget is now advertising that it has a special "smoke free" casino room.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you about a city once known as "Sin City"...

Closer to home, the Pussification of America brings a special Elvis "fun run" whereby part of the festivities will include peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches.

However, Elvis was noted for peanut butter and banana. But that the least of the troubling developments heralding the possible arrival of a Horseman of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse here.

They will be served on whole grain bread with soy nut butter.

Eventually, just as many foul deeds will be done in Elvis' names as have been done in Jesus', Mohammed's, God's...

You know, it's all fine and good when a chick is "head over heels" for you, I suppose.

But I'd personally prefer her "heels over head"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

U.S Rep. Stephanie Tubbs-Jones (Dem-Ohio).

Guess they need another one, now that Tipper's pretty much out of the picture.

And:

David Bossie.

Made to order.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2004:

At convention, Hillary Clinton

had eyes all aglow with a glintin'.

Don't take Nostradamus

to guess what's upon us

in four or eight years, the look's hintin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Today is "727" day.

Get it? Anyone?

Huh? The show with Florence from "The Jeffersons"? No, that was "227," slaploaf!

"727." Like the airplane?

And may your nuts be honey roasted.

I think.

Depending on what your own gutter-minded interpretation of "honey roasted" pans out as...

Motorola unveiled a "razor thin" cell phone.

Whew! About time! You almost need a caddy to haul one of those monstrous babies around.

Nonetheless, I'm in favor of this example of technology for no other reason that technology's sake. For, eventually, ya' blather-happy bastards will actually start choking on them...

Chicken abuse is in the news.

And without delving into the issue, I'm just stoked that the phrase "chicken abuse" is being bandied about in the Media. Especially since it doesn't somehow relate to crime, myself and that "Hot Pink" store down the street...

Speaking of marvelous terms, I came up with this the other day: "Fuckcheeze."

Oh, I doubt I'm the first one to think it up. But it's still a delight. Rolls off the tongue. Try it on yourself!

Now it's time to turn our attention to getting THAT term bandied about in the Media...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

William B. Strong.

Yeah--quit bawlin' like a girlie man.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2004:

I saw the speech by Howard Dean.

Started naming places he'd been...

With hope, I was filled;

it started to build...

But no, didn't re-make "Dean Scream."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

And there will be more on that "Dean Near-Scream" in the SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE this Sunday!...

The only reason I haven't made much to-do about some studies suggesting that cell phones might lower sperm counts is because, well, some things just sound too good to be true, so I'm holding off...

You know, if the terrorists would just be able to somehow attack only the folks who fit the Anti-American Stereotype, I might be okay with the whole jihad thing.

Starting with those who have their air conditioners when the day's high didn't even hit 80...

Saw a furrier ad today that featured, among many other things, a "pink beaver coat."

Now, I've admitted to a love-hate thing toward women, and believe it's quite common among men, but this is just going too far...

"At the Left Nut of Jesus."

He hee.

Ahem. Just like that little phrase I came up with...

Speaking of terms I like but have nothing interesting to say about, the other day I went to write "little" and instead wrote "lottle."

Which would be a great term for an amount meaning "a lot" but not a "whole lot" or something.

Sorry. That little filter in my head that distinguishing "interesting" from "non-interesting" is malfunctioning lately...

Are you supposed to hold the door open for a lesbian?

I actually faced that question today. Twice!

How do I know they were lesbians. You see... Trust me. It's not very entertaining. (That filter's working again--at least as well as it ever does)...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Dr. Creflo A. Dollar, Jr.

He's behind the "Changing Your Life Convention" in town, and I think I needn't say more.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2004:

Our quagmire-esqe Iraq excursion

helps both George and John--campaign surgeon!

Iran? North Korea?

Their fixes? Won't see-a

thanks to the Iraqi excursion!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

You're all a bunch of squatlicks.

Yup. Don't try to deny it.

Woah! It took a moment for the red underline to appear, but I briefly thought Microsoft Word actually RECOGNIZED "squatlick."

Anyhow, that's today's entry. The cheap trick of throwing out a funny, insulting name.

So much is getting farmed out to the SPECIAL PULL-OUT ERECTION COVERAGE for Sunday, so you can look forward to that.

Of course, if this nugget constitutes a FRIDAY Slappin' and Yappin', you may wanna brace yourself for the unbridled power of tomorrow's Cheezy Saturday Edition.

I guess that SPECIAL WEEKEND PULL-OUT SECTION never took shape, huh?

Ya' squatlicks.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2004:

Research may make cell users blue

but haven't made a to-do.

Those seems, hurt sperm counts,

I haven't yet pounced

'cause it seems too good to be true.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

So Lindsay Lohan--you know, the Disney-created "pop sensation" you probably confuse with Hillary Duff half the time--talked politics in some article, or on a TV show, or something.

She says she "doesn't want to talk about it." Which probably translates as, "Poly-ticks? As in, multiple bugs? Huh? What?"

Well, anyway, she claims that she doesn't want to talk about it because, well, as a Lohan-given example, if she were to declare herself, say, a Democrat, that would alienate "half of her audience."

Now, assuming a politically-knowing audience of Lohan's to be half-GOP is enough of a stretch.

But assuming Lohan's audience to know the difference between a Democrat and a land-line phone is what's most suspect here...

On the plus side, it's much easier to screw up with readers like you guys, considering nobody pointed out that I somehow mistook yesterday for a Friday.

On the minus sided... Well, you're a bunch of squatlicks.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2004:

The key to a woman's her head

but the key to me is The Bed--

all "head over heels"

is nice, but I feel

I'd rather she's "heels over head."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

That's 1,827 limericks as of July 12 (counting the leap years, of course, but not counting what the Chief Limericist has written BEYOND DL)...

And that "real" Web site is--no foolin'/procrastinatin'--under construction, with Dream Weaver and all... A freakin' Launch Party is even being planned!...

You know the spiel--tell your friends and cohorts about its delightfulness; "Daily Limerick Moments" are still being accepted; nudie jpegs (if you're a chick); get a hot celebrity chick to come to "our" "offices"; blah, blah blah...

Although I'm annoyed (and more) and McDonald's recent attempts to woo that "young and coveted demographic," I must give a thumb up (or a SOMETHING up) to the latest one I've witnessed, in which a hip, coveted-demographic-embodying couple visits Mickey D's on a date--and what appears to be a first date, at that.

I grew up thinking that was bad protocol, at least until you were in more of a relationship.

But, hey, it's nice to know, for the benefit of all the single guys out there, that McDonald's is lookin' out for the male sex. And who knows? If this type of thing continues, maybe, on one future sunny day, guys won't have to feel obligated to break their wallets by going somewhere with swanky prices on first (and other early) dates.

I just shudder, picturing a poor, sex-starved lad having to whip out the card at, say, a Starbucks...

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things post-graduation--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John "Sloop" Biederman) landed a gig writing "News Limericks" for the Chicago Tribune's new, "hip," youth-demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL--as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year--but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list "cock" and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for honey jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003--which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think?--well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that "The Great Colon Cockling of 2003" rolls off the tongue nicely?

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

&n