Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's fifth year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a half-blown attempt at a blog and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event, you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, too, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have (The) DAILY LIMERICK!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2004:

Our Korean intern does rock me

in fantasies, she cries out, "Cock me!"

Culture intrigues me--

I crave recipe

that she might have for a Boolgocki.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 11 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

The last word in today's entry may be spelled incorrectly.

However, considering it is originally a Korean word, multiple spellings may be okay.

I first heard the word describing a tasty Korean dish, but it has another meaning.

Speaking of tasty Korean dishes, we do have a Korean-chick intern at my part-time place of employ, so today's entry is at least semi-true.

Concerning the truth of the limerick's lustful assertion, however, the Chief Limericist could not be reached for comment as of press time...

Once again, truth imitates The Onion.

Sort of, anyway.

Headline on a recent issue of The Onion:

"U.S. To Fight Terror With Terror."

Headline on a column by Bill O'Reilly this past week:

"We Can't Win Unless We Fight Terrorist Fire With Fire."

The World's Greatest Morons are, after all, but a hair's breadth from the World's Greatest Jokes...

Read a bit today about sexual assault and its modern definitions.

Now, I knew that an assault needn't be an act of physical force. So, of course, the materials I read mentioned the likes of intimidation- and threat-based varieties.

But I didn't realize that sexual assault can occur from "coercion." Nor the obvious implication that only 10 percent of the sex that's ever occurred on this planet wasn't "sexual assault"...

Bought a package of Cottonelle toilet paper this weekend, solely on the basis of its price (the lowest in the store without resorting to sandpaper generic).

When I brought it back to my vacationing headquarters, I found out I'd actually bought "Cottonelle... with Ripples."

Ripples? That's an attraction?

This development got me a'ponderin', naturally, and I soon pondered upon the only other product for which I've noticed a similar marketable feature:

Condoms.

"Ribbed for her pleasure," etc., anyone?

So, ripples are an attraction on toilet paper, which is used on one's... Hmmm.

This metrosexual thing has gone way, way too far...

In any event, let me make it clear that I firmly believe Cottonelle's marketing "coerced" me into using that toilet paper...

A sign on a bridge on the outskirts of Green Bay, Wis. yesterday alerted me to "Watch for Fog."

Usually, I just figure that if I can't see the road and other cars so well, I speed up and figure that'll fix the problem I'm having with my eyes...

The French word for "warning" is: "Avertissement."

Say what you will about those snooty surrender monkeys, but you gotta admit they're not afraid to call a spade a spade...

It occurred to me the other day that my cigar-smoking habit of ducking outside occasionally for a few puffs on a simmering stogie is much like the process by which a dolphin or whale breathes.

Okay, okay. Enough of the meaningless nuggets; I'll shut my blowhole...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Pro soccer player Dipsy Sellolwane.

I guess that's an appropriate name for a guy from Botswana who choose the United States, of all nations, for his pro soccer "fame" and semi-fortune.

And:

NATO Sec. General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer.

Japp de HOOP, de it is!

I'm starting to offend myself with this feature.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2004:

Our own Mike C., of Sundays "Accursed"

got engaged, for better or worse.

You must--say the trite--

have suff'rin's to write

so marriage sure pumps up the verse!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 10 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Today's limerick brings celebration-worthy news!

Yes, Mike, of "Accursed Verse"...er, fame or something, just got engaged. And, wouldn't you know it, something that happened to me today provides a great example of what Mr. AV can expect as a married man:

An intern at my work told me she was going to see a play "by herself."

For those even nerdier than I, here's her words roughly translated into guy-speak: "Why don't you come with me to this play tonight? It's supposed to be really good. We can have a drink or dinner, or both, afterward... C'mon!... Why not?... Oh, you can blow that off... Whatddaya say?... Oh, c'mon. Please?... I'll pick you up at 7 then..." Etc.

Once you're "off the market," the offers will come rolling in. But don't get any funny ideas. If for some reason you consciously decided to become the kinda guy who cheats on his wife, the offers will be taken off the table.

Just another one of the many laws merely touched on by some optimist named Murphy...

More on the irony of this subject in the coming Sunday Story Time, with a Blast from the Past that relates to Piece of Ass.

Ugh...

Australia has convicted its first citizen as a terrorist, Jack Roche, who planned to attack a synagogue there.

Roche? Yup. The Worshippers at the Altar of Political Correctness are ecstatic that there's no "Mohammed," etc., in his name.

But, surprise surprise, he is a Muslim. A later-life convert, but a Muslim. According to the news story I read, he "became a Muslim after two failed marriages."

But, of course, in deference to the above-mentioned Worshippers, it's a mere coincidence that after two losing stints at matrimony he turned to a religion that ensures any future wives won't be allowed to get so uppity...

By the way, I guess I can kinda, sorta understand people playing the fantasy role-playing game of Organized Religion when they're born and raised into it, but any later-life convert is just an idiot.

I'm talking about ANY organized religion. Including those radical extremists known as the Born Again Christians, who happen to include one George W. Bush in their numbers...

A new "reality" show called "Hilton Project" will feature the matriarch of the hotel family, Kathy, teaching attention-addicted participants how to act in "high society."

So, did she teach Paris to answer her cell phone even while filming an Internet-ready sex video?...

Saw a chick with a lower-lip piercing today that, from a few feet away, seemed to be a goatee.

At first, I figured she was just blissfully unaware. Soon, however, I was gripped with terror in wondering if I'm witnessing the birth of a movement's that the direct opposite of the Metrosexual Tragedy...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Susanna Loof.

Try as I may, I just can't take her seriously.

And:

Jasmine Yap.

Well, I haven't used this one in a while, but I truly DO think I may have dated her.

And:

Jean Jurkovich.

Should I take the obvious cop-out... Aw, what the hell: Ditto.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2004:

Calling Mary Jane "gateway" drug

says toward harder stuff you it tugs

implying we all know

pot is no horse or blow--

since that's their best scare, we all shrug.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 9 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Today's Limerick, by the way, will make a little more sense after this coming Sunday's edition.

Can you tell our marketing, er, department has been workin' late (and possibly blowin' hooch)?...

A new "reality" show on, well, some network features sham couples composed of two attention-addicted losers pretending... er, that is, "real-life" couples who are ALMOST sure they're in THE relationship but just need a little test to be sure. Just a simple little test, mind you, like going on national TV to observe their out-of-town significant others being hit-on by ridiculously attractive members of the opposite sex, all orchestrated by creatively retarded network "writers."

Sounds a lot to me like "Temptation Island," but, hey, when you're aiming to actually lower the Lowest Common Denominator, what the hell does originality matter?

Anyway, here's the irony:

Any couple that decides to go on the show has already failed the "Ultimate Love Test"...

I've blathered on in this space before about my belief that Hollywood is seeking to do away with writers altogether.

"The Day After Tomorrow."

I could go on. And on. And on. But that one sums it up.

Here's another "explanation": "Reality" TV.

I've also slapped and yapped about how the music industry is desperately seeking to do a similar thing--forget about legitimately talented artists; line up the dime-a-dozen boy bands and jiggling, choreographed jailbait--they're disposable, replaceable, and will never attain a pesky state of true, old school celebrity, so negotiations will be at a minimum--do the Pepsi tie-ins and everything we say; don't like it? There're a zillion others with just as much "talent" lined up out our doors.

But I never put two and two together until just last night.

"Reality" TV is seeking to do to the actor what the Paint-by-Numbers Music Industry is doing to the recording "artist."

Andy Warhol predicted that everybody would have their 15 minutes of fame. But it took Corporate America to utilize his prescience for maximum profit.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/3/2004:

> Ha ha ha ha! to today's limerick.

>

> And I'm surprised you didn't use "Chmielecki" for limerick material. Sounds

> like a sneeze.

>Mike

I hope readers realize that all my talk and rhyme of marriage and its "suffering" is tongue in cheek. Well, perhaps not entirely tongue and cheek. But if there WERE more tongue in cheek, why... Ahem.

By the way, the other topic you mention is not the type of thing you decide to do in a day, or a week--even a year. But someday, before I die, I sincerely hope I can gain the Master Limericist ability to pen one using "Chmielecki."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2004:

Our love for the Beatles? Still strong.

But now, turns out, that all along.

As Paul just revealed--

'gainst shock now, be steeled--

that drugs influ'nced song of their songs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 8 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Okay, okay! Pick your jaw up off the floor and move past today's Limerick...

A Wisconsin museum is running a "Harry Houdini" exhibit and one of the entries (gasp) reveals how he did the escape-from-a-box-of-water-in-chains-yadda-yadda-yadda trick (which, I believe has a more common, catchy name, as well).

Magicians are up in arms over this.

I mean, c'mon! There are still Catholics, Muslims and Californians who believe in stuff like spells!...

In the interest of complying with Truth in Advertising law, a whole lotta shows need to stop calling themselves "sitcoms."

"Sitcom," as you may or may not know, stands for "Situation Comedy."

I see a whole lot of "sitshows" out there, but "sitcoms" are truly rare...

So, get this! ANOTHER intern sorta, kinda hit-up on me. Or at least was friendly enough to invite me on a work-break journey in that chicky "I'm asking you but not really asking you" way.

I guess this is also a fine time to admit something about the last intern I mentioned in S&Y: I shouldn't really say she was "hitting" on me. Just being... You know, friendly. (After writing about her alleged "hit," and being around her, and realizing that's she's nice and all I... Aw, shucks. You know.)

Then again, you never know. But, despite my Walter Mitty-esque sexual fantasy life, these events are, however, bizarre. And two in a row is downright preternatural, almost. For my life, anyway.

Hmm... Interns... I think this has something to do with the fact that I am technically running for president...

It's that time of the year again! Time for my Annual Spring Advisory:

If you have ugly, unkempt and/or male-nonhomo-nondesertdweller-nongladiator feet, please bag the sandals...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Martin Brief.

His comedic stylings are subtly different than his idol, Martin Short's.

And:

Arlene Salamendra.

Expert in amphibious assaults, perhaps?

And:

Carole Floate.

She's come up with an extra option to the old "sink or swim" test.

And:

Angela Pricolo.

Now THAT'S an instrument more women need to learn to play.

And:

Casey Loose.

Don't think I dated this one--but kinda wish I did, looking back.

And:

Stephen M. Kluck.

Suspected of fowl play.

And:

Andrea Mykleburst.

He he. Just laugh at it, damnit!

And:

Mongerson Wunderlich.

A cunning linguist.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2004:

That moron invention, the Segway

makes sense--if you've just drank a keg-way.

The Press' convention

gives quarterly mention

but most seem to prefer the Leg Way.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 7 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

So, it seems the Cheezy Saturday Tradition includes a limerick that's either a) "traditional," to please that professorial, patches-on-jacket-elbow-wearing crowd or b) simply a very bad attempt at a News Limerick, requiring exposition within S&Y...

In any event, here's my point:

Boy, that Segway has sure taken America by storm! I mean, you can't go three months without seeing obligatory mention that, yes, it is still is out there and for sale morons, in a newspaper!

The latest, in my Chicago Sun-Times, describes some moron company giving moron park tours via moron Segways to mostly-tourist morons.

Some quotes:

The Segway is described is having a "gawk factor." (Ala, "What a fuckin' idiot!")

Also: "It makes you feel like a movie star."

All true, my friends. Need I remind you that movie stars are noted for spending large sums of money (in the Segway's case, it's dropped from 6K to 4.5K) on trivial crap?

It's good to see its sales failing, though. Because I'm starting to wonder if it's large and moronic enough to actually be all four Horsemen of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse. (Helpful, since I've lost count of those anyway.)

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2004:

To protect our, fine terror-marked nation--

FBI wants a new org'nization:

Yes, one more intel group

in the FBI's loop (for)

more inter-org miscommunication.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 6 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Here's part of the line-up for a big, honkin' Book Fair that's in Chicago as I type:

Bill Racic of "The Apprentice," Bill Clinton, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kathy Lee Gifford and Jenny McCarthy!

Now, even the World of Literature is "E!" ready!...

Okay, folks! E-mail has been invented! Time to go ahead and let the phone go the way of the dodo!...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I hope we lose Iraq.

Whoaah!

Not supposed to say that, I know. But I don't think any of our troops are on the e-list, although I could be wrong.

Bad things aren't necessarily all "bad." You learn from them. If it weren't for mistakes, why... I'd be an even BIGGER idiot than I am today!

For instance, Vietnam taught us a lesson. Well, taught everybody but the Bush Administration a lesson, anyway...

Interesting argument:

A ridiculously small percentage of our troops engaged in the torture of Iraqi prisoners because of the stress.

I know that, personally speaking, there's nothing to take the edge off a hard day's working than a naked guy on a leash! After crackin' open a cold one, of course...

If you are not yet convinced by my de-endorsement of President Bush and all the lovely things his administration's brought, think on this for a bit:

The Chicago Sun-Times, one of the top 20 newspaper in the U.S. (by circulation), is now up on the selling block but there are a number of obstacles to finding a buyer cited by potential purchasers.

Here's one: It happens to be in a city where it has that enemy of a free society: Competition!...

I do think, however, that Bush serving his one, horrifying term has a positive side:

Gore-Lieberman lost, and the Democratic Party, and the few actual "liberal" activists remaining in our society, have backed off a tiny bit in merging with the GOP/"conservatives."

Sometimes, the silver lining is much shinier than the dark cloud is dark...

However, of course, this section needs to remind you why the Democrats suck as well:

Despite the fact that the Transportation Security Agency's airport screeners have shown no better results in studies than the previously utilized private sector airport screeners--other than bearing a much higher cost--the Democrats are vehemently opposed to GOP proposals to kill the agency.

The Dems, of course, are nuttily pro-Big Government.

Then again, today's Limerick speaks mainly of Republicans.

The differences, I guess, are in the subtle shades of exactly HOW Big Government can fuck up our lives...

Okay, this is easier to sort out:

A GOP-backed bill in Congress is seeking to place caps and other restrictions on class-action lawsuits against businesses. The Dems, surprise surprise, are against this.

If the bill passes, we're protected from some future frivolous lawsuits... but are also less able to sue business in cases of real wrong-doing.

However, if the bill is blocked, no further obstacles will be placed in the way of lawsuits stemming from legitimate wrongs... But will continue to see the same old Festival of Frivolity through Lawyerly Masturbation.

In America, we can vote on our leaders--and decide exactly in what position we we wish to be screwed by The Man!...

N.M. Gov. Bill Richardson is in a tizzy over a coke bust involving state judge John Brennan and Patricia Mattioli, of the state's Commission on Higher Ed.

Politicians' lives get really tough when life forces us to focus on the hypocrisy of government programs--briefly, before we return to "reality" TV...

I tried relating this in a Limerick earlier in the week--touche, Sunday-Only Readers--but, here goes Take Two:

Isn't calling pot a "Gateway" drug basically admitting that you have nothing truly horrible to say about its use? I mean, the best you can do is blame it for allegedly steering people to drugs that actually ARE usually harmful?

And, also, isn't he current administration's focus on pot in its useless PSAs basically saying: "Okay. Heroin, coke, etc.--everybody knows they're harmful. But we have to kick the spin machine into full gear because it ain't the case with ol' Mary Jane"...

Given the nature of newspapers--dedicated to facts and cutting through the B.S.--why do publications make space for the pure, unadulterated B.S. of mayors, governors, etc. when they ask for a column/expanded Letter to the Editor?...

If you're still shit-brained enough to be unsure of whether or not you'll be voting this year:

Isn't the idea of not voting because you're "cynical" kinda like not looking for a job because you're poor?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

William Spatz.

Knew a dog named Spatz. Actually, like it as a name better than "William."

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Midwest Side Story.

I've been blathering a lot recently in this space about recent interns in my life, and this story may make some of the previous tales all the more "interesting":

(Sunday-Only Readers... Well, there's the freakin' Web site, you know, as another way to avoid Daily "Subscription" Status.)

When I was in college--the second time, in my mid-20s, not the Dedication to Dorky Debauchery that was my attempt at 18--I ended up working through a grant program for a bit as a "Student Mentor."

A bit like a tutor, sometimes almost like a full-blown T.A. The theory was that a student who attained an "A" in a class could mentor other students in that class. I worked primarily with the "Foundations of Computer Applications" class.

Many of my students were Korean. Luckily, computers are highly visual, but there was still a language barrier.

There was one Korean girl who seemed to take a liking to me. The feeling was mutual. Probably more "mutual" on my part, however. And probably extra "mutual" because "love" despite a language barrier made the whole thing all the more attractive to me.

So, I attempted courting her, but really only attained one lunch. See, after a while, groups of male Korean students began showing up to escort her after class and... You can figure it out from there.

So I guess you could say my personal full-blown musical, "Midwest Side Story," hit a snag around the second scene. But I did leave a frightening a'cappella song-parody on a friend's answering machine over the whole mess (set to the tune of "When You Get Caught Between the Moon and New York City," or whatever the proper title to that Christopher Cross song is):

For once in your life, you've found her.

Thinkin' of her you pound your founder

dreamin' you're in her can

with her on a ceiling fan.

Picturin' her in fishnets and stilleto

wonderin' if she were from the ghetto

she might not be so crass

not such a pompous ass...

When you get caught between the moon and South Korea

if you're a white boy, don't mean beans.

When you get caught between the moon and South Kore-e-a

The best that you can do...

("best that you can do...")

The best that you can do

is cream your jeans.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/6/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Savvy

the dry itch of skin.

boundaries defined.

soothing kiss, that shard.

pretty blade, she knows.

on the radio they sing her, too --

she knows, she knows, and she knows.

a little red under light.

cluck your tongue, massage, meander,

and you will judge. you will sign off,

subtle shrug.

blade of arrows, clockfaced out.

a slight turn of head, she knows.

the radio sings for motions, too.

static drops.

is she, is she

pointing,

savvy?

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2004:

So J-Lo got married again--

as all knew way back, with no Ben.

So her past fate lingers--

just look at her fingers

(life has been quite rock-y with men).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 5 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Now, I've seen the new Revlon commercial that's supposed to be "like a movie." Except, I didn't know it was supposed to be "like a movie" until I read that it was. I just thought it was another in an infinite pool of awful commercials capitalizing on Celebrity Worship that, lacking a good glimpse of lady skin, are just another excuse to take a piss or grab a snack.

But now, as I've said, I read that it's supposed to be a "short film." Done by a "respected" director and all, blah blah blah. In fact, their PR maggots are going so far as to say that through the commercial, Revlon "blurs the line between commercials and entertainment."

Shocking. Cutting Edge. Extreme. And, again, Blah Blah Blah.

How innovative! I mean, we've never seen the likes of any company or entity blurring the lines between entertainment and commercials before! I mean, it's not like our culture's already cheaper than a housing project whore and every time I turn on the TV I have to fight back the urge to Ralph all over tarnation thanks to Corporate Synergy or anything...

I know we live in a dangerous world, but after all the years of "safety sealed," "for your protection" products, I kinda get a kick out of opening something, as I did yesterday, that DOESN'T have the extra, time-consuming and often difficult to remove features.

Even if it's only dish soap. Which probably doesn't need to be sealed for one's protection because it's not like you drink it or anything. Although I'm sure there's somebody out there who would try it.

Whoops! Just gave a lawyer a boner!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Doug Hassell.

If I were gay, I most certainly would have dated 'em.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2004:

"The Bachelor" helped open the door-y

to "reality" TV's glory.

(But) if re-al-i-ty's

what's seen on TV

why's there a "True Hollywood Story"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 4 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

McDonald's has posted the its best early-year profits since 1973.

Wow! Despite noted idiot filmmaker Morgan Spurlock's shocking "Super Size Me," a hard-hitting, investigative documentary that arrives at the shocking conclusion that EATING McDONALD'S FOR 30 DAYS STRAIGHT MIGHT NOT BE THE HEALTHIEST OPTION...

Speaking of Segway-level moronity, here's a "continued" story headline from today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Stars Put Careers Before Domestic Bliss"...

(I'm learning that I don't have to comment on stuff like that...)

I'm tickled taupe over the fact that the L.A. Lakers lost to the Detroit Pistons last night.

Perhaps it's just my natural tendency to root for the underdog. Coupled with a general hatred for all things L.A.

Curiously, though, the NBA has no playoffs, instead opting, like the NHL, to eliminate a handful of teams in an extended pre-season.

Somebody won the NHL's regular season "playoff-y" kinda thing... But there's no reason to care. The only reason I mention the NBA's regular-season-closing festivities is that the Lakers lost.

And speaking of losers, although I know it's early, I'm also happy and at peace with the universe to see the Cubs in fourth place...

Wow! I began a blathering S&Y and a Sports Section broke out!...

The office whereby I work my part-time, in-office job is in a sketchy neighborhood.

The bus stop from which I usually head home is at a major intersection of Riff-Raff Central and I often note a crowd of nothing-better-to-dos hanging out there, smokin', drinkin', talkin' on cell phones, etc. (How I long for the days when cell phones were simply a means for the well-to-do to attempt looking important.)

As the weather gets warmer, the Riff-Raff appears to be crawling out of the alley-work. Today, they were selling questionably attained wares. (Which I can't fault them for, upon reflection, as it undoubtedly makes them more money than any likely minimum-wage job they'd qualify for and offers just as much in the benefits department.)

"Excuse me," one of them said, as I realized I was standing in front of a newspaper boxed marked "FREE Employment Guide." I stepped aside, thought I might be underestimating them--"perhaps they're just 'riff'... or would that be 'raff'?"--and watched the guy pull out two copies of the Employment Guide, walk back to his friend and give him a copy as well.

Then, they unfolded the newspapers and...used them to protect their asses from the rough, improvised seating of a concrete curb...

Marketing/advertising folks: Stop the kitschy, '50s retro-themed ads. Unless you stumble upon a time machine and can go back TEN YEARS AGO WHEN THEY WERE SEMI-AMUSING...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Bill Bonko.

A real card.

Ahem. I think the word that lamely attempted to pun is actually spelled "bunko." But do YOU know how the Bonkos pronounce their name?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2004:

The meaning of "sitcom," you know:

"(SIT)uational COMedy" though

most those that I see

prompt laughs so rarely

they're more properly called "sitSHOWS."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 3 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

U.S. Runner Tim Montgomery (and other prospective U.S. Olympic athletes) have been notified by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency that they will be punished for drug use despite their passing one or (usually) more drug tests.

This marks a first for the agency: Busts based upon mere documentary evidence.

Hmm. First, they tossed out the whole annoying "innocent 'til prove guilty" thing for drug testing because drugs are such a "threat to society." Then, they tossed out a bunch of those whiny-ass search and seizure protections to allow seizures of property before (and in many cases without) convictions because drugs are such a "threat to society." Then they decided that a drug conviction is cause to cut off financial aid, although a murder conviction isn't necessarily, because... The threat thing.

Now... Well, I just told you. Although I didn't work the "threat" line into it.

You'd think that politicians would start wondering whether the War on Drugs was a "threat to society" at this point but... Hmmm.

You know, I've said a lot of shit about our entire Constitution going down the drain eventually because of trends like this. But I thought I was only joking...

Speaking of Horrible Government Program Failures That Continue to Prompt New and Innovative Ways to Screw Us Out of More and More Rights Because Nobody in Government Will Admit They are Horrible Failures, Wilson Bonilla hit town recently.

Who? That's right. And don't expect him to become a household name because he's a Colombian activist focusing on the foul deeds of his government.

I won't dwell in this anymore. It must be quite a shock to your conception of reality to learn that a partner in the War on Drugs can have a government anything less than delightful...

New York Fuhrer Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade: Ridding New York of noise.

Hmmm.

See... No.

Although...

No.

Okay. I've used this capper already, but it fits:

You know, when I said that the precedent of banning bar smoking without any real evidence would only feed a future freak-out to eliminate any and all annoyances of the majority, I thought I was only joking...

A new study allegedly indicates that infidelity in women may have a genetic component.

Ah, what the hell.

You know, when I said that, one day, absolutely no aspect of behavior would remain in the realm of personal responsibility, I thought I was only joking...

Class rings are lame.

I don't think anybody currently being pushed to buy one is reading this, so I guess I can only to tell you to think about the children.

Everybody badgered me into getting one in high school. Parents. Teachers. I tried resisting, I really did.

And I don't even know if I have it anymore. Don't really CARE if I have it anymore. And the only example of a "cherished memory" it has provided is the awkward process of getting it back from an ex-girlfriend in high school.

I tried to lose it then. I didn't want it back, but my parents nagged me into getting the "valuable" item back so that, for the rest of my life... It could sit in a box in storage, if I even have it at all.

We've gotta drive these Josten's bastards out of our children's lives for the good of future generations. It's all part of my "No Un-Necessarily Spent Cash Left Behind Plan" which, so far, is working about as well as the program it puns horribly upon...

Damn you, Dream Weaver, or DreamWeaver, or however you spell that software application!

Every time I hear the name, or think of it... Well, you know.

Just don't, whatever you do, DON'T tell my heart...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Moses Strong.

Yes, Gronk. And Helen hot.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/9/2004:

Now, this is a NEW letter writer, which brings the urge to "go easy" on him but... See MAD Magazine's letters for this section's inspiration.

In reply to yesterday's letter, which asked of the show "The Bachelor," a "reality" show ala "what you see is what happened," why's there a "True Hollywood Story"?:

> BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT CELEBRTITIES AND PEOPLE LOVE CELEBRITIES.

Not only is DL/S&Y the World's Finest Source of marginally coherent current events blatherings, but we now bring you Investigative Reports.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2004:

Toward me, interns just have disdain,

but lately... Well, I can't complain.

Not sure of the reason

but consid'rin' the season

does it stem from my pres'dent "campaign"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 2 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

I've come up with a great new tagline to describe Daily Limerick. You know, to help celebrate and calibrate and masturbate and... Well, to at least celebrate and streamline the whole dilly for the Big Five Year Anniversary.

Here it is:

Delightfully Offensive"...

And, no. You're not confused and/or ridiculously hungover. Today is not Saturday.

It's actually Thu-fer Thursday!

Thu-fer Thursday?

Interpret that as you will...

Perhaps it's "Super Thursday" with a lisp?...

Okay, so that's a bit too much cheeze for a Thursday, so I'll leave you with--

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Brian Chalupa.

All sorts of Taco Bell puns are running through my head, but I'll just drop it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2004:

The Anti-Doping Agency

now says proof's unnecessary--

documents are fine.

There's such a fine line

'tween those oppressed and those who're free.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 1 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Chicago Cardinal Francis George--which could be an older-than-a-Billy-Crystal-joke-at-the-Oscars reference, if I weren't referring to the Catholic type of cardinal--well... Anyway, George has decreed that lay ministers--positions that exist largely because the only people to whom a Priest's life appeals seem to be pedophiles, and they're now getting scared away, too--damn, am I in a digressive mood today or what?--anyway... Ahem.

George has decreed that lay ministers will be punished and/or lose their jobs for openly contradicting official Catholic beliefs.

I honestly thought that in talking of refusing communion to pro-choice-voting politicians, George would be made a laughingstock and thus back off.

It doesn't seem that there are many people who realize that the first stunt is a federal violation--an organization with non-tax-paying status becoming undeniably politically involved.

But I can only assume the Feds are preparing their case, ready to got at the Church with all the fever they show in battling the likes of Howard Stern and Tommy Chong. Right?...

From a story yesterday in the Chicago Sun-Times about researchers exploring "happiness":

"People who have sex more often are happier."

I'd tell you more about the reasons behind that shocking hypothesis, but the study stops there. It'll take another three years and millions of dollars to delve into that mystery, I guess...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

David Blanchflower.

Roses are red... And that bugs the hell out of David.

And:

Marsha Welcome.

You're thank you.

And:

Brian Bonebrake.

An unfortunate side-effect of sex with the lights off.

And:

Afghan policeman Motaleb Beg.

It's worth a try; nothing else seems to be keeping the peace.

And:

Charlotte Augle.

Damn lookie-loo.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/11/2004:

Replying to yesterday's Limerick, this jagitudinal liploaf checks in with:

>Coincidence?

Now, the jagitudinal liploaf in question has been having, shall we say, intern problems of his own. Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo, don't we all.

In essence, he's asking a personal question, about events the rest of you aren't privy to, in this public forum.

So, here's your answer, chowder-pump:

The limerick had nothing to do with your situation. If you'd been following Slappin' and Yappin', you'd know the facts. Or at least the alleged and highly exaggerated take on things.

But keep your chin up. Believe in Karma. Do a good deed...or perhaps a dirty deed...and the favor will be returned to you, in-tern.

And we actually even have another letter today:

> Tell me about it. I refuse to use MovieTickets.com because their ads blow

> holy cock.

"Blow Holy Cock"? Now I'm not one for raging political correctness, but that IS awfully insensitive to altar boys.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2004:

New York has no crime, girls and boys!

So Bloomberg, to keep well-employed

keeps smoke from your nose;

now noise? Out it goes!

Declared War on All that Annnoys!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

(Today's entry includes a photo caption that appeared with the name when it hit the news--and it isn't very nice to laugh at, but tragedy plus time, in this case about a week, equals comedy in poor taste, and if you don't know and/or remember the story, it ain't so bad, so let's get on with it):

"Mabelyn Hurt--Lost Part of Finger."

Daily Limerick readers offended--Lost Even More "Respect" for S&Y.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2004:

Though he's 'hind the GOP mask

John McCain seemed up to the task--

Kerry's running mate.

Mc said, "Won't join slate"';

they say he was (asked) but not Asked.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2004:

Today marks exactly 29 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Still thinking our pathetic methods of addiction "treatment" have any grounding in science whatsoever? Get a load of a headline from this week:

"Alcohol Abuse Up, But Alcoholism Down"...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I guess you could say today's limerick is a comment on politics in general.

Or, of course, you could say it's just a crappy limerick, if you must...

Spotlight on the "Brains" behind the current administration:

Why'd they set Afghan elections for September? Only explanation I can imagine is that they wanna be sure they're right for at least ONE of those Technicolor Terror Warnings...

But, of course, there is another Major Party Alternative to those hate-filled Republicans and "conservatives": The love-infused Democrats and "liberals."

Oh, ain't the air just thick with their pain over the death of Ronald Reagan?--if just to prove that they won't lower themselves to those "hate-filled," "conservative" behaviors...

Speaking of Reagan, a prominently cited quote from all that meager coverage has been from a "Republican operative": "This is an Irish Wake without the whiskey."

Call me old-fashioned, but I'd assume this guy would be silenced. I mean, isn't the whiskey the only thing that makes an Irish wake bearable?...

Well, then again, maybe you don't have as much of a choice as you initially think you do.

Congress' Flamin' Democrat Dianne Feinstein of California is on board the latest anti-flag burning amendment.

Hmm. So is it because a burning flag gives off secondhand smoke?...

Sunday Summer Book Hunk That's Election-Related Sorta:

(I don't mean to give a false impression of this section's content; I'm not referring to some Hollywood "hunk," but if that's what you're looking for in book coverage, well, you have a whole mainstream media to choose from.)

Read about some new book by somebody or other about the modern GOP and Democratic parties. The work posits that the GOP has captured the Heartland by trumpeting "traditional" values--anti-abortion, clampin' down on "obscenity"... You know the spiel. Which supplements their Big Business pool of voters, which is filtering off a wee bit because Clinton managed to finagle everybody into thinking the Dems are the mythological "balanced budget" political party and all--which is further enforced by Dubya's deficit fest.

Meanwhile, the Democrats have largely abandoned their former pool, minorities and the po', while maintaining the impression that they still are by staying a hair or two closer to the "compassionate" side than the GOP, while subsequently pushing to get the "urban elite" on their side. You know, the annoying group that makes one embarrassed to call himself "liberal."

So, this November, YOUR vote counts: Ignorance or Elitism! Only in America...

As I need one more nugget to make a "package," here it is:

Another book by somebody else claims that what made America great, early on, was consumerism. It rounds up a bunch of evidence to show that we really weren't a nation of poor, "American Gothic" looking farmers as much as a bunch of folks addicted to buying baubles and crap from England, which pumped up an economy and set us on the road to J-Lo perfume and shit.

However, there was a silver lining on that Consumerist Cloud: When our government, then England, started taking advantage of us through taxes and stuff, we curbed our consumerism on the majority side to scare our Overlord while a minority worked on forming a new Constitution and that whole Revolution thing.

Consumerism itself isn't so bad, it turns out. But when we're too consumerist to curb the urge temporarily to battle an insidious threat--high taxes from a Monarchy, Conglomerates screwin' us anally and un-lubricated to fit an entire culture into a balance sheet feces factory, what have you--that's when things get ugly.

The question remains: Are we CAPABLE of questioning our consumerism anymore?

So, at the very least, vote--if it's only for Alfred E. Neuman, so much the better. From there, we'll work on the Tea Parties...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason and/or Laughing at Names and Terms That Have Become So Common We Don't Often Recall That They're Amusing:

Hung Jury.

That's where a guy like John Holmes finds a jury of his peers.

And:

Tim Talley.

Ho.

And:

Carolyn Porco.

Her and her lawyer are taking notes during "Super Size Me"...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: With the Celebrity Book Expo hitting Chicago recently (and, really, is there any other kind of book these days?), and the general perception of summer being a time for books (as decent portable TVs aren't yet cell-phone-sized and thus beach-ready), I thought I'd tell the tale of my brief stint as involuntary... Distributor? Something like that.

It was about seven years ago. I was in a writer's group I had put together for the purposes of editing up a novel, which never sold and looks amazingly crappy to me now through the lens of time and wisdom. A friend of mine was also in this group. He wrote a first draft of a novel and, as is the established protocol for writer's groups, we gave input. Some of this input was, of course, negative. And some was positive. But he had an especially hard time agreeing with anything negative. So he did what most writers seem to do in such a situation.

No, he didn't start a "blog." This was a wee bit earlier than that. He self-published.

Now, call me old-fashioned, but before this incident, I was still under the impression that self-publishing was for works that had went through the writer's group/editorial wringer, one way or another, had tried to be sold using the traditional methods and yet, despite seeming to be a great read, couldn't sell. I figured that the current state of the Celebrity Publishing Industry was solely responsible for the tidal wave of self-publishing in modern times.

Well, at least I figured somebody would get to the point as a writer where they could handle criticism. But instead he tried a few publishers after a half-assed, mostly negative-input-ignoring second draft, and then accumulated victims... Er, investors and paid to have a slew of copies printed.

The only positive of my experience with involvement in the project was that I didn't "invest."

I was mostly working from home around the time and my pal was temping full-time, so he asked me if the books could be delivered to my place, so he wouldn't have to take a day off just to be home for the delivery.

Never has the word "yes" caused me so much grief. Well, actually, it has, but I'll just do one Sunday Story Time at a time.

I was living, mind you, in a freakishly small studio apartment. Thus, boxes of books became its predominant landscape--although I will admit they came in semi-handy as makeshift tables and such, as I didn't have furniture beyond a desk and a futon.

Sales of this book didn't go as well as my friend had planned. And, while he initially said he'd get the mountains of boxes out of my place "right away"... That didn't happen. In the end, I was the bearer of his books for about... A year? I think. At the very least, six months.

I was very good about this. Everybody told me I should do SOMETHING about the damn books, yet I was patient. Until I was ready to move out of the studio apartment and into a place with my now-wife.

At that point, I called my friend, which was quite a pain-in-the-ass task to accomplish. He had no phone service, but did have a pager, which he often neglected to pay up on and thus was often out of order. And although he had an e-mail account... That required phone service, of course.

I managed to track him down and made an offer: Help us move and we'll throw your books in the truck and deliver them to your place or wherever else you want them. Hell, just SHOW up and we'll drive the damn books to your place while we have the truck--if you're busy or something, you don't even HAVE to help us move.

My friend showed up early to help move--on the wrong day. I wasn't home for some reason but eventually got his frantic messages from a nearby coffee trough. And I didn't have luck in setting him straight on the RIGHT day at that point, although you'd think he'd figure out that maybe he made a mistake and... Yeesh.

So we moved all of our shit*. With the added bonus of a zillion boxes of hot-selling books!

At that point, I began the process, once again, of trying to contact this friend. It was an especially difficult time for communicating with him, too. But I left messages with friends of his and did everything I could think of to get a hold of him and, this time, set a deadline, giving him one month to figure out some way to get the damn books out of our place.

The month passed. I threw the books in the trash.

A couple of months after that, I ran into this friend at a bar that I happened to be briefly working at as a cook. He made a little small talk and then said, "Oh! By the way, I'm helping a friend of mine move next week and he offered to drive the truck by your place, so I can finally pick up those books! Sorry I've left 'em with you for so long."

If any dictionary makers are looking for an illustration to accompany the definition of the word "flabbergast," my face would've fit the bill. I grunted something or other and quickly ended the conversation, as I was on the clock.

I've seen him a few times since then and, amazingly, the topic of his books has never come up.

Damn self-publishing, blog-happy world. He was a really good friend.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/13/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Aspirin

Were you first harvested

from willow bark or elm?

Or were the leaves ground up?

I should do some research ...

But why bother!

I'll just gain a headache,

and need your comfort

to calm my head.

When I wake up aching

from shoddy sleeping,

you go down, two pills,

one swallow of water --

and ease the passage of time.

No.

You ease my current aches

which would be manifold

if not for your charms.

Your chalky, bitter charms!

Something so prosaic

becomes a need.

The music of painkillers

rattling in their bottle.

The cotton you're packed in

straight in the trash.

Aspirin and Heroin

both belonged to Bayer.

But that is an old story.

And I am young.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2004:

Home Schooling is hot--I'm not foolin'

but I'll give that trend some retoolin'.

My children won't be

taught Three Rs from me

but they're gonna get some "Old Schoolin'."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2004:

Today marks exactly 28 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

There's a new diet called the "step diet." And it's quite revolutionary.

Books have been written, McDonald's has wittingly or perhaps unwittingly tied-in to it by giving away pedometers in its disappointingly contented "Adult Happy Meals," newspaper are doing stories on it.

Here's what it entails:

You make a point of adding up the calories in every smidgeon of food you eat. At the same time, through the use of a pedometer and special charts, you figure out just how many calories you burn according to body type and all that.

In other words, you watch what you eat and exercise. As I said, revolutionary.

It is, however, fated to fade into oblivion with the next fad diet to come along because there are two things about this diet that Americans simply won't stand for: Not eating everything they want and getting off the couch...

A protest group called World Naked Bike Ride... er... I think you can figure out what they do.

Funny thing about WNBR is that they're not protesting any one issue. Or even one or two. They're protesting a "myriad of issues."

Used to be, if you were concerned about a war, you'd go join a war protest. If you were more concerned about the environment, you'd go to one of them.

In the New Millennium, you just leave that pesky thinkin' stuff to groups like World Naked Bike Ride. Trust 'em; they know what's wrong with the word; you just show up nude--and watch out for that bike chain, if you're a really lucky guy...

File this under "I'm Just Saying it Because Nobody Else Seems to be and it Can Most Certainly be Deemed Offensive":

Are you annoyed by minorities?

Not necessarily ALL minorities, but any minority groups?

I think it's safe to say, on a literal level, anyway, that most of us are more easily annoyed by those who are different from us. Guys--don't even attempt to tell me that you've never been annoyed by women. And women... Well, you're the Golden Children of the modern day--there's nothing perceived as wrong in your being annoyed by men (who are, literally anyway, a minority by a hair, but considered a "majority").

I'm only saying this because, lately, I've been annoyed by the near-festival levels of homosexuality in my neighborhood.

Don't get me wrong. This doesn't change my pro-gay-marriage stance, or any other pro-gay stances I have. And I don't think there needs to be a new law passed or... I don't think anything should change, really. I guess I knew the neighborhood I was moving into beforehand and, even if I didn't, most of us, other than Michael Bloomberg, don't believe annoyance should be legislated. I also suspect it's mostly because my Neighbor from Hell happens to be gay that I'm feeling this annoyance lately.

(I have to add all these qualifiers to differentiate this from a Rush Limbaugh statement.)

Then again, I'm pretty much annoyed by anybody that isn't me.

Come to think of it, I even annoy myself sometimes...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) For No Real Good Reason:

Veli Rat, an Adriatic Island lighthouse.

This one happens to be available for rent to the tourist with extra cash. Bring your cat.

And:

Bill Schmucker.

Poor guy's in a jam.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2004:

The folks now made fad of "Step Diet"

it won't click--though many will try it.

You watch what you eat

and walk with your feet--

Restraint? Work? In end, we won't buy it.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2004:

Today marks exactly 27 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

A series of billboards in Richmond, Virginia, placed by the state's department of health, read, "Isn't she a little young?"

There's more. They go on to declare, "Sex with a minor, don't go there."

So, not only does your job entail the risk of getting trapped underground and having a Godawful made-for-TV movie become your "lasting" legacy, but now the damn state of Virginia is trying to ensure that you can't even get laid!

Oh, those guys were in Pennsylvania. And they were minErs, not minOrs.

Anyway, it seems that a disproportionate number of guys in VA are trying to put the "virgin" in "Virginia." Or to put somethin' "in ya', ya virgin," or something.

There are too many jokes here. I'm suffering from punsters overload.

But, ah! To be young at hard!

 

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2004:

Hey: "Isn't she a little young?"

on billboards is painted or hung

in Richmond, V-A.

Seems the "jail bait" phrase

too smoothly does roll off the tongue.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2004:

Today marks exactly 26 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

All celebrity-gossip-obsessed eyes are on Madonna and Britney Spears. The question is whether their latest video or tour or whatever pain-in-the-ass they're engaging in to remain "relevant" will feature another woulda-been-shocking-in-the-'80s kiss or something perhaps MORE bold.

My advice to the ladies: Start lickin' beave!

Okay, Madonna--you've proven your celebrity staying power. But Brit... Well, it won't hurt to practice, anyhow, as the skill will come in useful if you insist on continuing to the inevitable next stage of your "career"...

The Doctor's Union, aka American Medical Association, is in town and has released its list of recommendations to the rest of us for bringing them more profit... Er, for making us all more healthy.

Curiously, nothing about the Towering Inflation of Prescription Drug Prices. I guess they had more important things on the agenda--like advocating all PRISONS going smoke-free, so that prisoners can be spared the unproven effects of secondhand smoke...

Read yet ANOTHER column today about how, regardless of our dislike of Bush and/or Kerry, would should nonetheless treat them with the respect they undoubtedly don't display themselves (at least for voters with an IQ higher than a parsnip).

A particular columnist I read today even went so far as cautioning against "hate."

Which got me to thinking... Hate gets a bad rap.

Face it, if it weren't for the fact that so many people have a burning hatred for Bush, well... Kerry'd be WAY behind in the polls. In fact, no incumbent would ever be voted out of office. Hate is useful...and delightful.

There's a lot of psycho-babble these days about how super it is to "forgive those who've wronged you," so I should also mention that forgiveness is overrated, too. Sure, you don't want to be consumed by hate. You need to deal with it to an extent that it isn't dictating too many of your actions, nor interfering with your ability to enjoy life.

Having gotten to that point, though--hate away! I guess you'd call it a "happy hate."

Now, before you go labeling me a nutjob, realize that I'm far from the only one. Whataddaya think "compassionate conservatism" is about?...

There are protests in Chicago over the fact that Bank One's latest South Side branch has metal detectors and other high-security measures in place. Protesters call this racist; Bank One says it's because the area is high-crime (which statistics confirm).

Now, I'm not fan of Bank One--in fact, if they haven't been the subject of a DL/S&Y Consumer Report by now, it's only because I overlooked doing so, as I once had an account or credit card or something with the Evil Bastards.

But... One more time, would-be protesters:

If you can prove a decision was made solely on race--in this case, that Bank One didn't institute such measures in a high-crime but predominantly white neighborhood, for instance--THEN you can should cry racism.

Although perhaps local leaders are just disappointed because they were counting on seeing new jobs open for out-of-work bank robbers in the neighborhood...

Author Debra... well, if you go by more than one name, don't expect me to bother with it. Anyway, this dame's latest book is "What? No Meat? What to do When Your Kid Becomes A Vegetarian."

Daily Limerick's Cliff Notes that Probably Contradict the Actual Book:

What to do? Nothing. Any child who's attained a level of individuality to declare themselves a fruitcake...er, vegetarian can get a job and learn to cook...

We need more alternative-y music mags. Really. There's a shortage in our major cities! Help!...

The French have a term: jolie laide.

Puns about a certain Angelina aside, the term literally translates as: pretty ugly. It expresses the idea that the imperfect woman is more beautiful than the Hollywood Doll. An imperfection or two only makes a woman sexier.

I wholeheartedly agree. Depending on the "imperfection," of course. In other words, the cell-phone-apparently-growing-out-of-one's-ear syndrome is a little too much, there blabbermouth...

Speaking of pulchritude, I just have to ask:

Do ANY chicks with tummies worthy of being shown off wear belly shirts?...

Single guys may dream of a perfect world wherein women they should avoid advertise the fact by literally labeling their clothing.

Well, that dream may be partially coming true: Saw a T-shirt on a chick today that read "Princess with Attitude."

And, in any event, she was sporting more "laide" than "jolie"...

Ah! Those little moments in life!

Last night at a variety open mike/showcase, the door to the bar was left open, cool breeze blowin' through, and I spent some time just watching pretty women as they walked right up to the establishment...and turned, last minute, to go somewhere "hip"...

Watchin' chicks walk up...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

James Oberwetter.

Not sure if that's better than "unber" the sheets.

And:

Eleanor Pray.

Ashcroft's barkin' orders again.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2004:

The vast Cath'lic Church apparatus

has entered political stratus--

says keep pro-choice pols

off communion rolls

so we should yank their tax-free status.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2004:

Today marks exactly 25 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Today's protesters oughta rethink some things.

Saw a video today of a recent protest at the School of the Americas, which is a military establishment, of sorts, teaching predominantly Latin American youth how to... I'm not real clear on exactly what it is. It's a U.S. thingamajig that helps somehow helps us wield power in Latin America, where we've a long history of backing questionable regimes.

Anyway, I occasionally feel like I should go a'protestin'. When I was younger and more likely to do such a thing... Well, it was the '80s, mostly, and I think there was a law against young people having a clue or giving a shit then. But now... Not only am I less likely to take time out of my schedule for such things, but through experience and the wisdom that comes with again, I realize that traditional protests are easily ignored and, coupled with government's scientific methods of keeping them to a certain level, mostly useless. Except for purposes of picking up chicks or scoring some weed.

As I said, I saw the video and... There was folk singing going on. Still. And it was apparently a major part of the protest.

Hmm.

I'm married, so I really shouldn't be picking up chicks. And for all the hipsters runnin' low on the hooch... Well, at least your neighborhood dealer isn't likely to bust out an acoustic...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Kathy Barks.

So throw her a bone--whether it's a literal or figurative bone, however, depends on what she looks like.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2004:

Most gush now o'er all the June brides

but it's for June grooms that I cry--

good sex led to marriage

now (not to disparage)

it's rare that she'll let you inside.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2004:

Today marks exactly 24 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Political Correctness Alert! Political Correctness Alert!:

The World Pussification Level is now at RED!

Just when you thought a new "-ism" couldn't be invented...er, identified, we now have, as best as I can tell, "Cityism" to worry about.

First, Jimmy Kimmel, on his late-night show during the NBA Finals, made fun of possible rioting to come in Detroit. Apologies and the whole spiel were deemed in order.

Now, Mark Giangreco, the sports news reader on the Chicago ABC affiliate, has actually been SUSPENDED for showing old, black-and-white footage of Detroit burning as a post-Pistons-victory joke.

You know, a JOKE.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you of a time when we were all allowed to tell these delightful little things called "jokes"...

Homeland Security Alert! Homeland Security Alert!

I am on a Chicago area train--not of the subway/within-city variety--and I got to see security for the company in action at the station!

Hmm. I'll try to remain positive about this... Okay:

It's sure a wonderful time to be a terrorist!...

Was almost run down by a minivan today. Driver, naturally, on a cell phone to complete the Death 'n' Destruction Mobile.

As I turned to look at my would-be murderer, I saw a curious logo on the side of the minivan: Colorful flames.

Again, this was a minivan.

Minivan + cell phone + speed-happy logo? Wow! Now I, too, can label an "Axis of Evil"...

Laughing at Strangers (and Places so Familiar you Hardly Think of How Amusing Their Names Are) for No Real Good Reason:

Jackson Hole (Wyo.).

That's, "What does Michael call his favorite visitor to Neverland on any given day?" Alex.

And:

Julie Stainer.

Happens to be an editorial intern--so if the blue dress fits, wear it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2004:

You'd think most chicks goin' "belly-shirtin'"

would sport assets that prompt a flirtin'.

But most with tums flaunted

are somehow undaunted

by fact that their assets are hurtin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2004:

Today marks exactly 23 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

A DL/S&Y Extra Cheezy Saturday Prediction:

Iran's gonna pop one off.

Yup.

Nuclear. Somewhere. Perhaps Israel.

They made a bold statement indicating their "entitlement" recently to have a nuclear program like all the Biggies. Then they went back to bullshittin' about "peaceful" goals for the nukes. The U.N. and the rest of the "International Community" are fartin' around, goin' through the typical channels. And the U.S. is currently using most of its military resources on the only member of the "Axis of Evil" to NOT possess Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Just a heads up. Saying that you may wanna keep your head down soon.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2004:

Today is, of course, Father's Day.

Guys: Father, or no, it's okay.

But most would concur

it's best to be sure--

not tripped up by past wayward lay.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2004:

Today marks exactly 22 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Happy Father's Day.

For, you never really do know, do you?...

Actual billboard:

Comcast: "So much home entertainment, so little need for a babysitter."

There's really not even much need for deception anymore, is there?...

Wahl, a brand of nail clipper, has surveyed men on their grooming habits and found that 9 to 10 percent have "regular" manicure/pedicures.

Now, I don't mean to stereotype. Or perhaps I do. But don't general estimates put the percentage of homosexuals in the general population at around 10 percent? And, of course, one could imagine that a significant portion of the gay population doesn't conform to the stereotype of careful grooming. And that a significant portion of hetero men are so inclined. But 9 and 10 percent are so close... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Boy, this Metrosexual Revolution is sure takin' off, huh?...

Newspaper trivia question:

"What Maverick center was the first Chinese national to bounce balls in the NBA."

Now, first I mentioned my appall at the use of the term "ballers" for NBA players. Due to having a mind in the gutter and all. But... Well, you know what "bounce balls" can mean, don't you, there, Dirty Sanchez?...

Dialogue from a line in a 1976 movie:

"I sat and watched you chain-smoke yourself into an early grave."

How is this possible? Those class action suits in the '90s said...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Headline:

"Upbeat Job News Unnoticed by Most Americans."

Geez. It's not like the news has been crying "full-on economic recovery around the corner!" for, like, two years now or anything, you know...

Who's Your Lesser:

This week, Bush's approval ratings went up for the first time in...quite a while. (There's that attention to detail again, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!) Many analysts attribute this to the fact that the spotlight was off of Dubya for the last week or so. Reagan funeral. Clinton book. Scott Peterson trial. Etc.

So, in essence, perception of Bush not only suffers when a negative spotlight is on him, but when the public is, for any reason at all, paying attention to him and the world the Bush Doctrine has brought us.

Hmmm...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Barbara Kaput.

Finished...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: My "Skeeter's" shirt

I was not the coolest kid to ever hit Johnsburg Junior High School. I'll leave it at that.

One of my T-shirts, bequeathed to me by my grandparents, was for "Skeeter's Big Biscuits." The culinary establishment it advertised was somewhere in Florida. And may still exist, for all I know.

The drawing of Skeeter himself--the one and only--was, of course, delightful enough in its own right. But the back had the following phrase emblazoned: "I eat at Sketer's Big Biscuits because I need the money."

Utter strangers of the older bully guy persuasion threatened to beat me up SIMPLY FOR WEARING THE SKEETER'S SHIRT.

It was that bad.

Light blue and... Yeesh.

I think I wore it as an act of defiance. Against the world. Against that girl Jenny, who didn't return my affections. In fact, she turned my affections into hatreds and then returned 'em.

Yeesh. In many ways.

Sunday Story Time may have been a lot of things over the years. Or year. (Don't remember how long I've been spoogin' it out here.) It has been stupid. Lame. Ridiculous. Etc. But it has only now... Well, I hate to admit it.

But Sunday Story Time just officially got ugly.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/20/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Does the sea dance?

Does the sea dance? she asked the expanse,

breathing smoke into the wind.

Watching green waves gather and fall,

sun lining gold the mouth of the bay.

The ocean continued making its speech --

a soggy, salty, sodden language

that crashed on the rocks, foamed at the shore.

That question answered, she picked her way home.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2004:

A man had his new neighbor Chung over

then woke up more than a bit hungover.

Something strange occurred;

events seemed quite blurred--

his ass killed--could say had a bung-over.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2004:

Today marks exactly 21 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Charles M. Schlitz.

That Schulz' evil cousin--and, coincidentally, creator of the comic strip, "Beernuts."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2004:

Protests now are eas'ly ignored--

re-think, activists, I implore!

Those not vegetating

are few--and that grating

folk music sends most to a snore!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2004:

Today marks exactly 20 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Russia, specifically the town of St. Petersburg, has sent or will send planes into the air to spray a form of dry ice onto clouds in order to prevent rain for a Paul McCartney concert.

Oh, this is just what we need: Humanity now screwin' with the weather. All our other attempts to modify the natural world have went so swimmingly--emphasis on "swimming," as in "swimming in melting polar ice caps"...

We had the "Rat Pack." And we saw that it was good.

Then, I put up with the phrase "brat pack" to describe... I don't even know all the names, which is "Exhibit A" as to why this name is just plain lazy, not to mention somewhat deceptive, considering that the only thing "Brat Packers" have in common with "Rat Packers" is the fact that they all have two eyes. Well, Sammy Davis, Jr. actually only had ONE real eye.

Ahem.

Now comes the "Frat Pack" and... I'm sure they're not done wearing out this crummy punnery masquerading as cleverness, what with Star Jones about to put together the "Fat Pack" and all. And I'll even cop to calling a band of my millinery-prone comedy/poetry pals the "Hat Pack" a few years ago, if only in jest.

But it still begs the question: What the hell are you guys gonna do AFTER "Generation Z"?...

Speaking of lazy journalists, why didn't anybody call the Bush Daughters/underage drinking brouhaha "Daughtergate"?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Bentley Treat.

I actually went to school with this guy and, truth be told, wrestled with him--in the academic athletic way, screwtoads--and, in any event, it was no Bentley.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2004:

Thanks to judicial intervention

Jack Ryan is gathering mentions--

not for politics

but past swingin'‚ tricks--

at least folks are paying attention!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2004:

Today marks exactly 19 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

I hope you get the gist of today's poorly written limerick. Thanks to the sex angle of Senate GOP candidate Jack Ryan's campaign, Illinois politics has stepped into the National Spotlight.

Now, I really couldn't give a half-shit as to whether a candidate frequents sex clubs or even has a mistress diaper him up for kicks. But I have to admit that this is doubly entertaining, considering it's a Republican involved...

By the way, if I make poke my head up above the hubbub and ask: Aren't sex clubs legal? At least unless Dubya wins a second term, I suppose?...

Speaking of bad, yet irresistible, jokes, isn't it funny that Jack wanted Jeri to have sex out in the open in New Orleans, Paris and New York, but he wasn't cravin' any "Boston Public"...

Speaking of laughs at a deserving party's expense, Wal-Mart is in trouble again, this time for engaging in the All-American activity of blatantly paying female employees less than male employees.

Those at the forefront of the War on Sexism need not worry, however. They're still sticking to their more important guns--keeping "dirty" CDs out of the aisles...

And speaking of...what I was just speaking of, the Music Industry is taking another hit: Concert sales are pathetic for this summer, forcing many big name acts to outright cancel their tours.

Industry weasels are blaming all sorts of things, including gas prices. Couldn't be the fact that YOU HAVE TO ENGAGE IN PROSTITUTION TO AFFORD THE FUCKIN' TICKETS or that THE COOKIE-CUTTER "ARTISTS" MOSTLY SUCK TOTAL ASS, or anything like that...

And speaking of "traditional" systems that are complete and utter failures but trudge forth anyway, Hollywood gossip says that Ben Affleck, post "treatment" for alcoholism, has "transferred" his addiction to gambling.

Which might be unacceptable, unlike transferring one's addiction to dogma-laden, effectively lobotomizing 12-step support group...

If I DO ever happen to become legitimately famous, it'll be strange considering I've already descended into, and recovered from, an addiction (alcohol) and already hit a point of poverty which almost put me on the street--which I've also recovered from. Etc. Etc. Etc.

My "E! True Hollywood Story" and/or "Behind the Limerick" will have to go BACKWARDS...

Stumbled upon another use for a baby this weekend:

They make great "Fart beards"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Ron Word.

If a name has any real bearing on the person it describes, don't ever let this guy into a car--he's bound to crash every 20 minutes or so for no apparent reason...

And:

Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kansas).

If the "R" for Republican doesn't clue you in that he's not a true "brownback," the Kansas thing oughta convince you.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2004:

The Saudis let nuts run their schools--

extreme Muslims, so mad they drool.

We claim we're above it

but Chicago Public

is enlisting the Catholic tools.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2004:

Today marks exactly 18 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Today's limerick is, of course, true, which I shouldn't need to point out, but I should explain:

Chicago Public Schools, like those in most big cities, are hopeless. There are massive teachers unions involved so they will always suck. However, politicians constantly earn points by enacting new plans and the like, ensuring that the public schools are continually sucking in new and innovative ways.

Now it's not official, but they're talking of calling the Catholics in to run "secular" schools.

It's time to take a moment and say a prayer, thanking the Bush Administration for taking the lead in rubbing a big ol' honkin' eraser across the line dividing Church and State. Hurry up--say that prayer while you still don't have to...

Speaking of Catholics, Dubya has awarded the Pope a Medal of Freedom. 'Cause we all know the Papacy imposes no restrictions whatsoever on the freedoms of its flock.

Included with the story was a photo of the Pope kissing a baby, bringing to mind the question: Why is anybody affiliated with the Catholic Church still allowed within kissing distance of minors?...

Mary-Kate Olsen has anorexia.

I don't mention this as evidence of chicks following my Emaciation Proclamation (proclaimed in jest, of course) but, in reading about her, there was the inevitable "nugget" on "what anorexia is" and I noticed that anorexics are allowed to become eventually "recovered."

Alcoholics aren't, despite the fact that it's far easier to live a life without alcohol than it is to live one without food...

A guy is suing the Illinois tollways or parks or something because a state toilet he used went to pot. That is, broke apart.

His lawsuit, in fact, claims he was "impaled by a piece of porcelain."

If nothing else, he already has a name for the One-Man Show to come...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

(In conjunction with DL/S&Y's "Tragedy + Six Days = Humor in Bad Taste" rule.)

Myron Dukes and Juanitrice Deadmon.

Both killed in a swimming pool accident--one "put 'em up" before becoming like the other.

Huh?

Ugh. I've gotta rethink some ethics around here...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/24/2004:

As DL/S&Y readers are always "on the ball," this lumploaf checks in concerning my tale of being nearly run down by a minivan driver on a cell phone with a flame logo on the vehicle to boot. I labeled her part of my own "Axis of Evil":

>Sounds like you were almost run over by the axels of evil. :p

>

>Yep, it's late AND it sucks. A new record!

That S&Y appeared 6/18/2004. So perhaps I can count on some "Daily Limerick Moments" sometime in 2007.

And I would engage your obvious attempts at punnery, sir, but I don't wanna get all touchy-wheely.

And now for something actually timely, this chowderpump questions my "newfound use" for babies:

>Fart beards?

Yes, a "beard" as in "cover." As in, "He's gay, but in the closet--that 'girlfriend' is just a beard." Meaning, if you let loose a noxious wind and a baby is anywhere nearby, why you might not even have to make an excuse! Someone assumes the baby needs changing. And even if the baby in question hasn't left a prize, babies are known for gassiness so... Well, there you have it.

I know that the concept of "fart beard" can bring to mind a, er, not-too-pretty picture but... Well, now I'm just blowin' hot air. Which brings this ugly missive full circle...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2004:

Mike Moore's "Fahrenheit 911"

should help ensure Bush is undone.

Iraq link was cloudy

but Bush hum-jobs Saudis

where most terror thinking comes from.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2004:

Today marks exactly 17 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

There's an establishment on my street called Hot Pink.

How do I describe Hot Pink? How do words, in any language crafted by mere mortals, describe Hot Pink?

Women's Clothing Store. With clothes of a hubula-bubula variety. Frequented by supermodel-y young urbanites. Naturally, also of a hubula-bubula variety.

Last night, I passed the place, late at night (out picking up the local alt-weekly) to discover it PACKED! Full of...why, full of hubula-bubulas! What's more, they were drinking martinis. And there were posters on its window describing Pink Thursdays (or Pink Martini Thursdays, or something)... This is a regular thing! I did not carefully read the aforementioned posters, but I think this is a "beauty" themed event.

Facials and such were goin' down. I can't explain this. There were a few gay men tossed in, for good measure I suppose, but... C'mon! Why, one could wear metrosexuality as a beard (he he), get a guy facial (could they discriminate?) and...

Hubula-bulas? All wearing hubula-bubula clothing? Did I mention they were hubula-bubulas? Drinking martinis? Late at night? With nary a man around them to... to... to... Aiyyaiiayyayiiiiiyyy.

Oh, the thoughts this has all prompted! I feel like a veritable GOP Senate candidate from Illinois or something.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2004:

In summer, when temp'rature dips

to sev'nties, or so, I do flips.

Girls still dress revealing

but the slight chill feeling

works magic upon all those nips!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2004:

Today marks exactly 16 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Jack Ryan.

Ho ho ho, ha ha ha... Tee hee. (I know that doesn't fit the Mission of LASFNRGR, but it does fit, if you take it literally.)

And now for a "real" one:

James R. Bath.

A Bush/Saudi friend--which is he closer to? It's a draw.

And another:

Chris Stompanato.

You can say many things about the guy--but not that he's "light in the loafers."

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2004:

Dissenters are getting death threats;

the terrorists aren't impressed

with Free Speech dissert--

not "Axis," I meant

'gainst Mike Moore's flick, in the U.S.!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2004:

Today marks exactly 15 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Was glancing over art gallery coverage the other day and, as is my practice, noted a work that appealed to me. It looked like a brilliant photograph of a desert setting.

And then I read that the exhibit was of computer-generated landscapes.

My first reaction was, "This guy's creating COMPUTER landscapes when there's a whole world of 'em out there? Couldn't he at least create bizarre, 'alien' landscapres?"

Then I recalled Bush's environmental policies and figured, "Maybe he's just ahead of his time"...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

John Kerry's campaign is really word about Ralph Nader's campaign.

John Kerry has yet to pick a running mate.

If you can put two and two together here, you'll never become a successful politician...

And, ah! The Brave New World that will result in putting Democrats in power!

I mean, that party is a REAL alternative! Concerning the Iraq War, they voted... Er, um... Ahem.

Concerning the "Flag Burning Amendment," Democrats are taking a bold stance and... Well... Hmmm.

Well, concerning the '50s Retro FCC regulations, Dems are standing up and saying... Er, well... Ahem.

Some young broad came to my door the other day asking for money for the Kerry Campaign. I unleashed the usual untrue spiel--"I've been out of work a while," etc.--but signed her petition of support, etc.

Then she said they needed volunteers to put in time--specifically, working to get Ralph Nader off the ballot.

Because, really, we have all the choices we need in the two-party system, don't we?...

HOWEVER, I am also going to take this occasion to de-endorse Nader, as well. His Anti-Corporate Crusade is commendable, but that brings with it his desire to foment more lawsuits and a certain expansion of the Victim Society.

I didn't de-endorse Nader in 2000. But that was before four years of Bush, who carries my strongest de-endorsement and... I do see Kerry as a few notches "above" Gore (but still looking up from the Barrel's proverbial Bottom).

I'll admit that, practically speaking, a vote for Nader will probably actually help Bush. But I still can't fault somebody for casting a Nader vote. The "less-est of two evils" is in the eye of the Beholder. And in no way is "a vote for Nader a vote for Bush." It's a vote for NADER, morons.

I realize I have now de-endorsed all major (or near-major) candidates. Of the smaller parties, their de-endorsed until prove endorseable, as well.

But I take back the assertion that my "strongest de-endorsement" goes to Bush.

My strongest de-endorsement goes to the idea of not voting.

Apathy is the reason we're stuck with Bush-Gore-Nader...

By the way, journalists, pundits, etc.: The idea of Iraq having WMD's and/or a link to al-Qaida/9-11 is NOT debate-worthy or "controversial" at this point...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Joseph Ponder.

Hmmmm... Wait! I'm not Joseph!...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Sunday Story Time is on assignment.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/27/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Tuesday fell apart

Tuesday fell apart --

the lights promised

were snuffed.

Shadows idly sat

and waited for nothing.

Trees shuddered down

the last of their leaves

in the middle of spring.

Tuesday lay on the ground,

spread out in cold mud.

Slick leaves caught

in its hair,

clogging up the gutter.

Conversations never to be made,

music never to be listened to,

food never to be eaten,

and laughter never to commence.

Nor to cease,

because after Tuesday fell apart

I spent my night with you.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2004:

A specs fetishist heard a mention

of a librarians' convention.

Saw fave piece of asses

all, 'course, wearing glasses

and "pipe burst" from sexual tension.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2004:

Today marks exactly 14 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Even the most "semi-" of "semi-regular" readers should know that I'm not a fan of Dubya. Well, I'm not a fan of any politicians, but am willing to play "fair weather fan" to most anybody running against Bush.

I read that not only does Michael Moore's new flick play...tricks with the facts, shall we say?, but that he refused to go on TV about it if that entails facing "hostile" questioning.

Isn't that kinda thing what he nails Bush to the wall over?

Idiot. Asswipe. With good intentions, though.

There. I'm more objective than all of cable news...

A new study finds that 2/3rds of adults and 70 percent of teens don't mind commercials force-fed to them in movie theaters. (No word on the reasons for the mixing of fractions and percentages.)

Either this means that it's time to completely abandon all hope whatsoever or something's not right about this study.

The study was done by the Cinema Advertising Council, which answer our question.

And also puts a new spin on an old saying by effectively putting the wolves in charge of surveying the henhouse...

In my notebook, on my frequently consulted "To Do" (etc.) page, I have written the Arabic phrase, "assalamu alaykum."

I've already forgotten what it means. I do remember that some columnist trumpeted it as a Muslim greeting that might save your life if captured by terrorists determined to kill any non-Muslims--and thus I scrawled it down.

I'm not entirely sure how to pronounce it. And I've seen it spelled different ways since noting it. But none of this matters for S&Y purposes.

As I said, the page it's on is frequently consulted, and today I found myself singing it to the tune of "Hakuna Matada."

Which prompted a vision of a conga-line of singing terrorists and, well, hasn't this stupid nugget gone on long enough?...

It's long been my assertion that in America, we NEED a minority to beat up on and, as the world grows more "civilized," we are running out of acceptable targets.

This is such a crucial need that we go out of our way to "discover" science that fits into our discriminatory urge. And, as the public allegedly grows wiser, these "scientific finds" become more wily.

For instance, centuries ago, the only "science" needed was word-of-mouth that blacks were dark skinned because the devil and/or God made them so to display their inferiority for all the world to see.

By the middle of the last century, as science was taught and schools and stuff, folks needed more than that. "Studies" were done to show that homosexuality could be cured, for instance.

Today, we have "secondhand smoke"...

If you're not altogether happy with your wife/girlfriend/sheep, but you're being careful to not dig yourself into more trouble, and you're at a party or something and somebody asks you how she is, and she may be within hearing distance and/or the one you're conversing with can't be trust with privileged information (and, let's face it, this happens to most of us all the time)... Reply: "she's bitchin'."

Damn. I hope nobody out there is assigned to diagram S&Y sentences today...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Nayef Abu Sharkh.

Formerly of the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, he reportedly would've become a lawyer, if the terrorist thing didn't work out.

And:

Roseanne Trick.

Okay, I KNOW damn well I dated this one.

And:

Kitty Testa.

I've been known to go by that one myself--or to at least WISH I did.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2004:

The early-bird Iraqi turnover's

meant be found four-leaf discerned clover

but focus-group sharks

saw date easy mark

and want to stem some of the burnover.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2004:

Today marks exactly 13 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Just read today that many lawsuits against the microwave popcorn industry have been successful because inhaling the butter-flavoring vapors causes serious lung disease.

Now, the legal system, despite being generally yet another Festival of Moronity, requires legitimate scientific facts before supplying such judgments. Whereas our social system requires a mere hint, or at least a desire, that such science may exist.

So... Where's the microwave popcorn ban in taverns, NY and Cali? And all you politicians--where are the draconian taxes? And don't forget the tear-jerking PSAs! And it's time to start bashing those workplace snackers, o jackloaf who draws "Ziggy." Don't even think about popcorn at the ballpark--even the outdoor ones. Hollywood: Time to throw a handful of Orville into the hands of every slimeball as a cheap "character building" device. Lawyers: Time to take down Big Popcorn (or do you want to wait a few years until the secondhand snack effects are well known?--it's not as if it matters to the combined 30 IQ of your average jury). AMA: Here's another issue regarding personal choice you can feebly latch onto to keep the public diverted from the majority of activity by your self-serving Doctor's Union. And, of course, we have another "minority," if it is indeed that, we can start treating like blacks in '50s Alabama with no social repercussions...

If I were Taliban--go ahead, sing along, ala the ol' "If I Were President"--I'd take every writer for "Hope and Faith" and shoot 'em dead.

Beheading's not for me. Hell, maybe I'd settle for shootin' 'em all in the buttocks and makin' 'em promise to go into accounting or public relations.

Not very catchy, I know.

Expect more "If I Were Taliban" moments--only in "Slappin' and Yappin'."

Well, don't actually EXPECT them. But realize they MAY come...

The ACLU has filed suit against the city of Lexington, KY and club promoters who have allowed by the city to rope-off an area of the downtown, known as a "club district," and enact a dress code that forbids team jerseys, baseball hats, etc.

Plaintiffs claim that the dress code discriminates against minorities and the poor.

My question to them: Just what do you think a dress code if FOR?...

For Fourth of July weekend, the E! Network is jumping on the patriotic bandwagon by playing an episode marathon of "Starlicious."

Nothing like fawning over our own version of undeservingly worshipped Royalty to celebrate the birth of our Democracy...

QVC has now tied in with NASCAR.

Now that one entity has the men and the women on board, the White Trash Mothership is preparing for takeoff!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2004:

Mere months after braggin' "We got 'em"

we're handing the Iraqis Saddam

to try for the crimes

of his regime's time--

it now the New Guard's turn to plot 'em!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2004:

Today marks exactly 12 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell two friends about DAILY LIMERICK (and make it up to them later)! Fire off a "Daily Limerick" moment, ya bastards! Nudie jpegs--you know the spiel! Get Catherine Zeta-Jones to smell my barbecue--and while she's at it, perhaps pull my finger--and then, whoa then... Well, perhaps a good T-Bone is all that's needed to shut her up about T-Mobile, and we'll ALL win, so there will BE no losers... Well, other than you asses. Did I mention the "Daily Limerick Moments," by the way?...

Two of Iran's security guards at UN HQ in NY, NY have been given the boot for taking photographs of "sensitive" city locations.

All we have to work with here is "sensitive." There were no more details given. In fact, the story I read was a mere news brief.

No need to make a big, front-page deal out of this one, I guess. Iran's only part of that kinder, gentler, non-Iraq segment of the Axis of Evil...

New technology is allowing start-up companies to offer CDs for sale of live concerts--right after the concert.

However, Clear Channel owns much of the live-concert scene and they're cracking down on this. Unless, of course, it is done by Clear Channel and Clear Channel can thus send more money directly up to its 3,000 Vice Presidents and such.

The "conservatives" were right: Relaxing anti-trust laws just keeps freein' up the market more and more, every day...

And now for another installment of--

Tragedy + Six Days = Humor in Bad Taste:

Six days ago, a photo... I don't think I should be doing this feature anymore.

What am I? A shock jock?

Have to distance myself from that moniker, in any event. Last I checked, Clear Channel didn't own Daily Limerick, but...

There's a Long John Silvers reference in the news! Find it and win a prize!

Here's a hint: It has to do with the entertainment realm. And I read it in the Chicago Sun-Times, via a syndicated story, although I forget if it was AP or what... But anyway, it's out there!

And, like I said, you can win a prize!

By the way, today is "No Witty Cappers Allowed on Last S&Y Nuggets" day, if  you're looking for a reason to celebrate.

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things post-graduation--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John "Sloop" Biederman), landed a gig writing "News Limericks" for the Chicago Tribune's new, "hip," youth-demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL--as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year--but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list "cock" and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for honey jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003--which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think--well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that "The Great Colon Cockling of 2003" rolls off the tongue nicely?

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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