Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's fifth year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a half-blown attempt at a blog and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event, you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, too, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have (The) DAILY LIMERICK!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2004:

As businesses all go "offshoring"

big points Paris Hilton is scoring

with her TV quest--

but who does the rest

of her "biz"--is she now off-whoring?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 11 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take pics feet! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

There's a feature in the Chicago Reader (the local "alt"-weekly) called "Missed Connections."

Readers place ads that are kinda like personal ads, only they're seeking to connect with somebody they briefly met or (more often) saw somewhere but didn't have the nerve to engage in real conversation/courtship with. The feature was especially popular when first introduced and, still, I know many people, myself included, who read them for amusement and, of course, to see if they themselves might have been considered a "Missed Connection" to a stranger whose paths they briefly crossed.

Naturally, reading these ads brings enjoyment from laughing at the patheticism of others, as the entire genre of ads does so well. Oh, and I'll also cop to having placed one of them myself (they're often free) but... That's a story for another time. Actually, it's not good enough for another time, not even pathetic in an amusing way.

Anyhow, I noticed a few things about these ads yesterday.

One, of course, they're predominantly placed by men. And, as opposed to being "true" Missed Connections--a chick smiled at a guy at a coffeehouse but he didn't act, a discussion started on the train but one party had to exit in a hurry, etc.--they're more on the order of "I saw you trying on shoes from my pickup truck and thought about rushing into the store to say you were the most beautiful woman in the world but was in the middle of a job and..." You get the idea.

For the most part, "Missed Connections" is a "Stalker's Helper."

I noticed, also, that the current edition, matching a general trend I've noted over time, is at least 1/3rd "Asian-related." Hard- and horned-up guys seeking Asian chicks they didn't have the nerve to hit on face-to-face.

I don't know how to explain this. I have theories, sort of... But it IS Cheezy Saturday.

I guess many CAUC-asians want to put the COCK in Asian.

Huh?

Again, it's Cheezy Saturday.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2004:

Each time I surf cable news shows

find new Iraq "lib'ration" woes.

New shit up we're messing

but there's hidden blessing:

more swing votes against Bush do go!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 10 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take pics feet! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Those U.S. soldiers found abusing Iraqi prisoners?

Who can blame 'em? I mean, a good reason for their behavior has been noted by the Pentagon--they never received "in-depth training on Geneva Conventions."

Oh, by the way, thanks to all the modern snake-oil salesmen who've convinced us that nobody is just a hopeless piece of crap--they need "anger management" is all; or they have a "sexual addiction."

Gee, if I, say, tortured my neighbor, could I get off because I, too, haven't had in-depth training in those Geneva Conventions?...

By the way, for those thinking of making DL/S&Y into a religion, it's not "torture THY neighbor," it's "torture MY neighbor"...

Just dealt with a secondhand viewing of VH-1's "Fabulous Life" or "Fab Life" or whatever the hell it's called.

From all indications, this show exists solely to worship celebrities based on the amount of stuff they've bought.

Gather around, grandkids, and I'll tell you about a time when we admired musicians and actors for their musical or acting abilities...

Slappin' and Yappin' is investigating a Huge Cover-Up by government, the media--you name it.

Well, S&Y is actually just pointing it out. I'll leave the investigation to others.

And, come to think of it, perhaps it shouldn't be investigated by anyone.

The phenomenon? Brazen Boners.

Yup. As a guy, I'm amazed that we don't see the paparazzi bring us photos of, say, President Bush brandishing an unwieldy chubby during his State of the Union address. Or Clay Aiken accidentally displaying an uncooperative steiner at whatever awards show is foolish enough to invite him. Or ol' bin Laden, reciting his bad religious poetry and phrases seemingly from the dialogue of a villain from a 1950s sci-fi novel.

I know these types of things happen. And, in writing this, I'm discovering that, wow, some things SHOULD be handled via Cover-Up, Huge or otherwise.

But perhaps I've stumbled upon a prediction.

We're now subject to commercials for douches and penis enlargements and phone lines featuring big ugly women masquerading as the hot dames in their ads talkin' dirty... Hmm.

And so, through the magic of S&Y, I find myself writing another phrase that I never thought I would and will likely never write again:

Cover-Ups can be our friends...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Here's another installment of my semi-regular-but-not-trumpeting series, "Just a Question...":

Mr. President, did you actually survey the families of military folks to learn that most would be offended by the showing of bodies coming back from Iraq?...

And, while I at it, how is the question of whether or not Dick Cheney (emphasis on the "Dick") appears before a panel or whatever to testify about who was included in his Energy Task Force a matter of "security" or "privilege"?

Okay, I see now. Enron and all the Saudi-butt-fucking gas/auto industry types have special "privilege" and deserve the "security" of being able to do no wrong...

And now we're to the portion of the "special 'pull-out'" section where I remind you that idiocy in government in beyond partisan.

Example, from the State of Illinois, of how government works:

Governor Rod Blagojevich, with ridiculous levels of fanfare, has unveiled the Illinois Future Teacher Corps to provide college scholarships to Illinois students!

Hooray! The Democrats have such a commitment to education, unlike those evil, wanna-completely-end-education Republicans!

Uh, well... Former Republican governors already had a scholarship in place. Now, that program is gone. But it hasn't officially been called "replaced."

There are BIG, big, one might say HUGE differences between the old and new programs, though.

For one, the new one's not called "Golden Apple." That's worth something.

And, perhaps most important, it awards less scholarship money!

Democrats, Democrats! That's how to save our country!...

I read a column this week in which the writer apparently wished to influence politicians in his or her own way by citing a study that finds most voters turned off by negative campaign ads.

The idea being that politicians should immediately grab their phones, get campaign people on the line and make big changes in the way they campaign to get more people voting!

So that they can concentrate on serving the complex interests of the entire electorate rather than just pacifying the few giant corporate/special interest voters and of course the seniors who actually vote in large numbers while otherwise pretending to actually care about America's major problems?

THAT will most certainly stop the negative campaigning!...

The Supreme Court, long held up by S&Y as an example actual wisdom being displayed from a branch of government, is really scaring me.

In analyzing the recent gerrymandering of Texas voting districts, largely seen as a trick by the Republican-led legislature to improve GOP returns in elections, the Court found itself frustrated.

In the words of Justice Antonin Scalia, a noted idiot who, however, in this case spoke for the rest of the Court eloquently, the Courts long involvement in this types of cases appears of questionable value, amounting to "eighteen years of judicial effort with virtually nothing to show for it."

Here's a political trend to look forward to: The "Why Bother" millennium!...

SPECIAL SUNDAY "HOME" SECTION:

Ahem. There is no home section.

But just letting readers know, especially those afraid of any future steps toward "maturity" and "responsibility" that, as someone who recently became owner of his first home (condo with evil neighbor), I am STILL bored silly by the "Home" section of the newspaper.

I thumb through it--always have--but that's only because I thumb through EVERYTHING in the paper, even the ad inserts, sprawling auto ad section, etc.

So cheer up! Boredom is ALWAYS in your future...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Six Baller.

Yesterday, I mused about the current practice of referring to basketball players as "ballers."

To recap... Well, no recap. (I need to put something in each week to remind Sunday-only readers of all they're missing.)

But this reminded me... There was a restaurant near where I grew up called "Three Brothers."

My sister, for reasons of near-work convenience, ended up frequenting the place with a friend of hers.

They called it "The Six Baller."

Get it.

He hee.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you about an age where Slappin' and Yappin's "Sunday Story Time" related delightful, real stories with actual points to them beyond immature laughs...

Okay. Alright already. Here's a touching nugget from childhood to make this all special and crap:

I still remember my elementary school song:

"From the halls of Canterbury School

to the doors of junior high

we are gaining lots of knowledge

as the years go rolling by.

Don't forget our colors red and white

and our folks who're all so merry.

When you think about this su-per school

stand and shout for Canterbury!"

Me and my pals usually changed that penultimate line to sing, "When you think about this stu-pid school..." Because wit begins at an early age.

And apparently never completely matures.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/2/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Silken mummies

We are the mayflies twisting

in snaring strands,

words our restricted wings.

Spin us into silken mummies.

Suck our juices dry.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2004:

Scientific basis does lack-o

in "Super Size Me," by that wacko.

But facts don't mean lots-y

among the Health Nazis--

'least not with "secondhand" tobacco.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 9 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Splenda, an artificial (that is, non-sugar) sweetener, has really taken off, especially with the current wide-eyed, crazed low-carb fad.

Marketing folks, however, are sitting around scratching their heads. Well, they're always sitting around scratching their heads in the plotting of evil, but they're scratching their heads in confusion, this time.

Why? Splenda doesn't DO very much advertising or marketing. They just produced a product that adequately meets the demands of a demographic and BAM! Success!

This means success WITHOUT lame-ass commercials. Without frightening plots of corporate "synergy." Without celebrity shills, product placement... In short, without attempting to tailor the entire freakin' world into one, big advertisement.

Damn. Where's a wide-eyed, crazed fad emerging when we really need one?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Patricia A. Holic.

Unless you happen to be like her, you don't enjoy the idiotic barrage of Ms. Heaton's Jewel/Albertson's commercials.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2004:

VH-1's "The Fabulous Life"

severs our Divide like a knife--

a Western caste system;

watch their baubles glisten

to rub in your own bills and strife.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 8 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

"Jump the Shark" is a term, coming from a Web site of the same name, for the point when a TV show "loses it." It comes from a late-in-its-run "Happy Days" episode wherein Fonzie performed the stunt of jumping over shark-infested water on his motorcycle.

Jump the Shark has entered the pop culture lexicon and, although folks occasionally argue about exactly WHEN a particular show jumped the shark, there are certain tell-tale signs the public agrees upon, including the out-of-nowhere, Brady Bunch-esque addition of a new, important character. (In BB's case, Oliver.)

The two best-know examples of agreed-upon shark-jumping activity, however, are the birth of a baby and a wedding. I mean, who doesn't know that these things doom a show?

Well... Take a look at the season finales all over TV right about now.

Perhaps I was wrong about Hollywood on one count. Rather than being pathetic, lazy, idea-stealing bastards, perhaps they really DO try.

But where does Hollywood find all these writers who somehow have to look UP at the Lowest Common Denominator?...

I have mentioned in this space before my Drooling Marketers Cell Phone Theory: That as soon as every human being on the planet, or at least all of those in the Coveted Demographic, has the cell phone habit, they're gonna let loose with all sorts of telemarketing--e-mails, pictures, as-you-pass a restaurant offers... Hell on Earth knows no bounds.

Phase One not only entails getting people on cell phones constantly, but in the habit of answering each and every call, as marketing maggots have laid off the cells as they lull us into a false sense of security about our phone numbers.

I have proof that Phase One in working.

I place ads occasionally to help land writing gigs--artists' statements, grants, etc. About a year ago, I got a call from a chick wanting me to write a paper for her college class.

As an ethical guy, although you couldn't tell it from this hunk of e-crap, I was hesitant at first. Until I figured I needed the money and, what the hell, if I don't write it, SOMEBODY else will.

Recently, the first student cheater referred another to me. And, ethics aside, she has been a Royal (Family) pain in my ass.

Telling her off the bat that, since I was never really interested in doing student papers to begin with, and considering the fact that I am predominantly a writer, not a researcher, I made a deal that she would come up with the topic and round up the books/sources and I'd just do the writing part.

I'm supposed to do three papers for her. I've already done the first. It wasn't a lot of work, but the butt-for-brains got me the sources WAY later than I'd wanted and asked for them--and this has been a busy time for me with legitimate gigs, on top of it all.

The second one is due tomorrow. Still no sources and I left a message yesterday saying I "absolutely" needed them by 4 p.m. today.

A couple minutes ago (it's about 5 p.m.), the phone rang. Not being a masochist, I generally screen calls. The caller didn't leave a message. I Star 69'd.

Yup. Butt-for-brains.

I was secretly hoping this would happen and I would get out of this whole deal. And it apparently has.

I once talked to ol' butt-for-brains, while working from home all day on the first paper and awaiting some news from her, and she told me that "I'd tried calling but you weren't home."

Throwback to the '70s? Nope. Gen Y has been lulled into the naive notion that the phone can be answered whenever it rings.

Well, perhaps this isn't such sinister news, after all. At least, I hope ol' butt-for-brains doesn't represent the average Gen Yer.

But I have figured something out--something completely unrelated--through this process.

Classified ads in "alt" weeklies. So THAT'S where Hollywood finds those writers!...

Heard a guy hit up a chick on the bus today with the first revelation out of his mouth being that he "sells cars."

Interesting tactic. A part of me wondered if he was just "doin' sales," but I was just as close as the chickie and he didn't end up giving ME a business card.

I'd be interested in seeing how it works out for him.

If that come-on brings results, we guys might wanna bust out lines like the ol' "Are you wearing 'moon pants'--'cause your ass is out of this world!"...

I think "ugly" is an insult that needs to be brought back in all its retro-glory.

Can you tell I've caught some "Sanford & Son" reruns lately?

Faking heart attacks is more than due a come back, as well. And, what the hell, alcoholics as the butt of jokes...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Sarah Eck (a "guerilla marketing" professional).

Part of the reason advertising's often in poor taste.

And:

Play director Kate Whorisky.

She's everything you'd ever want in a... whatever. Whores & whiskey.

Huh?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2004:

Since Bush claimed Iraq in the bag, there

it's grown into a 'Nam-esque quagmire.

Brought Dame Liberty

to the Iraqis

but they're only lookin' to shag her.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 7 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Happy Cinco de Mayo!...

On second thought, considering the major focus of the holiday:

Happy Stinko de Mayo!...

A study backed by a bunch of organizations masquerading as "health professionals" while feeding off the gravy train of convincing the public that "treatment" is the answer for addiction (despite much evidence to the contrary), is claiming that "pot dependence" is up.

And here's your Stinko de Mayo tie-in: The percentages have mostly gone up among blacks and Latinos.

These statistics will be taken seriously, despite the fact that were a company, say, Annoying Commercial King "Enzyte," to release a study finding that, say, American men have smaller penises than the average, it would be ignored.

But, if this IS true... I blame TV. The new crop of "comedies" sure isn't bringing on the laughs, despite all the laugh tracks conveniently pointing out to viewers what is and isn't "funny"...

A new book, "The Obesity Myth," claims that we're overreacting to... In this case, you CAN pretty much judge the book by its cover. Or at least its title.

And what a point author Paul Campos has! I walk down the street and the first observation that hits me is, "Damn! Look at all these people who are TOO skinny!" I see people all the time on the buses who can fit two-to-a-seat!

Ahem. Anyway, there's another twist to the story behind Campos' book. He's not even a doctor. Or an investigative reporter type.

He's a lawyer.

So, he's either a big fat ass himself, seeking to improve his own image... Or he's got some sinister agenda--which is redundant, having already told you he's a lawyer...

Do you recall how, shortly after "The Whacked-Out Torture-Fest Passion of Mel Gibson" opened, it moved a viewer so intently that he confessed to a murder?

Well, his court case opened and he pled "not guilty."

Which is actually in keeping with the predominantly expressed interpretation of Christianity: "Do something bad, confess, open your mind to Christ--and you're okay! Lather, rinse, repeat"...

Time for another Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Consumer Report:

Dunkin' Donuts sucks donkey balls.

I snipped a coupon recently, imprinted with the Dunkin' Donuts logo, for a free donut. Placed it in my wallet, made a mental note and have lately been anxious because it's set to expire May 8. Recalled that I work right by a Dunkin' Donuts, ran there on a smoke break today, waited in line forever with one girl behind the counter around the lunch hour while another mopped the goddamned floor, ordered three donuts and presented the coupon. This of course slowed things down even more, as the counter girl summoned the owner/manager/whatever and I was informed that they "couldn't accept it." I'd have asked why if I hadn't entered some unofficial embassy where English isn't spoken, but I instead just exited.

No profit off the sale of two donuts; no unloading of an extra donut that will undoubtedly be thrown out later in the day anyway.

I don't know how, but I think this event somehow embodies the saying "dollars to donuts," which I've never understood, which makes it all the more appropriate in this case...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Former Chicago Department of Housing Commissioner Marina Carrot.

Easy on the eyes, even if she's a bit watered down.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2004:

A deli worker, name of Tommy

was fired on account of salami.

Not 'cause how he priced it

or how he did slice it--

his "hiding" it made many mommies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 6 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Has anybody noticed that all of those "real" courtroom shows, usually shown late night on UPN-esque venues, are little more than "Jerry Springer" hoping for an air of legitimacy by adding a judge to the mess?...

And now for S&Y's impression of a 1960s MAD Magazine on a month where the Usual Gang of Idiots was feeling extra randy:

"You Know You Live in a Gay Neighborhood When... You overhear the Sounds of Sex on your porch but quickly stifle your natural, desperate urge to engross yourself in them because, well, you know"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2004:

MLB and K Derby're raisin'

cash from ads anywhere they c'n place 'em.

They're on jockeys--and bases!

(Pretty soon, players' faces!)

Welcome to the U.S. CorporNation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 5 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Today's events behind today's limerick were kinda reversed today, which I hadn't known of until after I'd written it.

So some day, it'll be worth something.

To somebody.

Maybe.

I think.

Quality is what we're all about here at Daily Limerick...

The parents of the soldier now immortalized as the Poster Child for U.S.-on-Iraqi Torture claim that she was just "at the wrong place at the wrong time."

Or, if you don't believe that, and they're guessing you don't, obviously, the parents maintain that her behavior was just a "stupid kid thing." A mere "prank."

I think we can all look back on our childhoods, or at least our later childhoods of military age, and name some things we wish we hadn't done and may still occasionally feel bad about.

Squashed lightning bugs to see the sidewalk glow; harassed a nerd; tortured and beat a naked Iraqi prisoner...

Athens is looking pretty scary these days, but the Olympics will go on!

I guess I give this a thumbs-up, if only because we don't want to let terrorists dictate our actions.

But it also may show what's most important here, in the age-old battle of human lives vs. major advertising revenue...

Speaking of our Corporatocracy, I was trying to find the Federal Housing Authority's phone number for a story I was working on the other day. The Google did bring up the homepage of another government agency mentioning the FHA, but I was pushed to a THIRD page of search results--mostly bank/broker sites with FHA program--before I gave up and used old-fashioned sources.

Just a story, okay. Layin' off on "the point" today...

So, Disney's Miramax decides against distributing Michael Moore's new flick on Dubya. Disney claims they don't want to appear political, to back ANY candidate or bash ANY candidate. Which makes sense. Yet is sinister, considering that a corporation making ENTERTAINMENT, sometimes known as "culture," flinches about making a statement of any sort.

Heavens, no!

But what occurred to me is this. Michael Moore comes to you about his next movie. He says it's going to be about George Bush. You agree to distribute the movie and then are utterly shocked to find that Michael Moore, of all people, has made a movie CRITICAL OF GEORGE BUSH!...

Michael Moore, by the way, is one of those rare individuals with the ability to change back and forth from genius to idiot...

And did you notice that the actual Daily Limerick for today seems to have infiltrated S&Y as a theme, of sorts?...

Or that multiple, digressive parentheticals are naturally funny?...

Headline on today's Weekend Plus section of the Chicago Sun-Times:

"Thalia: Through her sizzling music, a new magazine and a sexy clothing line, the Latina spitfire is changing the rules of the game."

Sizzling music? Look out, world!

A NEW MAGAZINE? Wow, celebrity diva chicks have never done anything like THAT before!

A sexy clothing line? Damn! Can you overdose on just changing the rules too much?...

Giant snails are in the news here in Chicago.

Somebody brought the giant snails over from Africa and they've bred or some shit and authorities and such are worried about 'em. The snails can carry parasites. And things even worse than the Royal Family, too. But I digress.

In all of the news coverage, what's NOT being answered here is what's most troubling, however. So I'd like to know, before I declare an opinion on the issue:

Are they as tasty as their smaller cousins?...

Slappin' and Yappin' News-Readin', Time-Savin' Tip:

In news stories, skip over any quotes by elected officials and "spokespeople" types if you're in a hurry. At least after the first or second paragraph...

Huh?...

You know what the problem is with this world? What's always in my way in some way or form, somehow? What needs to be eliminated to ensure the human race has a future?

Kids and old folks.

Oh, my. I don't really mean that. Thin the herds a little, perhaps, but...

Oh, my. I didn't really mean that, either...

Or DID I?...

Of COURSE not...

Whoever did the new KFC commercials stole my idea for the song, "Bucket of Love." Although I don't know how they got it from inside my head, because I've never expressed it aloud.

The similarities, however, are uncanny. One's about chicken; one, unfortunately, delves into bodily fluids.

Perhaps I won't sue, after all...

Can you be semi-dyslexic or something? I sometimes switch letters around, but only in writing. I'll write, "siad" when I mean "said" or something.

Not often. And I don't read that way. Just an occasional slip of the pen.

But can I get federal money somehow for this horrible disability?...

For that matter, Can I Get a Witness?...

I said, Can I Get a Witness!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Pete Cramblit.

I think he's good with a little butter, especially with tea.

And:

Walter Purdy, terrorism expert.

He decided, at an early age, to dedicate his life to purging the world of evil, after an incident involving his first encounter with the nickname, "Purdy mouth."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2004:

A doctor thought his res'me featless

a proposed Mondays be dubbed "Meatless."

Health Nazi Grand Plan

won't rest 'til this land

is completely fun-free and treat-less.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 4 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Krispy Kreme, the out-of-nowhere darling of investors and eaters a few years ago, is now floundering thanks to the low-carb craze.

Mmmm. Flounder.

Ahem.

But, anyway, this looks like a job for... Me!

Now, where'd I put that bib?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2004:

Each November, we make an occasion

to decide who will rule our fine nation.

As long as we're allowed ter

pick the folks who wield power

can we, too, vote on which corporations?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 3 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

A mere glance at the news is enough to drive home the fact that two world cultures are pretty much at war.

In Africa, they're refusing HIV medication to victims because the Islamic religion says the meds are a "Christian plot" to kill Muslims.

While, here in the enlightened, tolerant US of A, an Chicago ambulance driver refused to transport a woman to a hospital for an abortion necessitated by severe abdominal problems.

Guess those severe abdominal problems are part of some "anti-Christian plot"...

A nutty follow of Supremely Nutty Iraqi Shiite Cleric Muqtada al-Sadr announced that any Iraqi capturing a British female soldier can "keep her as a slave or gift to himself."

Not a male, though. And not an American, or Pole, or any other national left in our Quagmire Coalition.

I smell a fetish. Does Iraq get "Frasier"?...

It seems that the most popular baby names for 2003 were very close to those of 1903.

Well, at least we're consistent in allowing runaway ignorance to repeat history...

I discovered a laundry-washing malfunction yesterday morning:

Pair of panties must have lodged inside a pillow case in the dryer and stayed there. A pillow was tucked into the panty packaged unnoticed.

I'd been sleeping on it a few days before I noticed.

That explains some of those odd dreams, I guess...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Some are rather irate, and rightly so, that so much of the election's focus 'til now has been on what the two candidates did 30 years ago regarding Vietnam--although neither of them actually WENT to 'Nam.

Then again, since most of us average joes' job prospects can take a hit from things we did decades ago, perhaps this is just a strange way of evening things out...

Donald Rumsfield, regarding video records of U.S. troops torturing Iraqi soldiers: "It's going to get a good deal more terrible, I'm afraid."

So, we're ensuring that even MORE people develop a bitter hatred for America and become candidates for That Festering Terrorist Pool?

Bushites have been raving for some time about how, if nothing else, takin' out Saddam made the U.S., and the world, a safer place.

So, will we be seeing that quote on any campaign literature?...

One thing about the Iraq war, it has cleared up some jobs, as Bushed promised.

If you think about it. In a terrible way. For a while...

Speed limits: Purely for revenue. Selectively enforced (ever drive on a highway/freeway?). Unrealistic, given such other factors as weather, amount of sunlight, age of driver, cell phone or not, getting' a knob wash or not, etc.

Think about that. In fact, put it in your pipe and smoke it.

Then, promptly forget about the whole Speed Limit Conspiracy Theory, break open the Funyons, throw in the Pink Floyd, or Phish, or Leon Redbone, or whatever your choice may be, and get back to me--oh, and take two jalopenos and call me in the morning...

As long as we're voting on a president, picking from two candidates who scare the bejesus out of me in two radically different ways, and as long as either scenario will result in certain gigantical corporations enjoying a fat share of the ruling duties, can we at least vote on WHICH corporations control the country?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Oregon terror suspect Jeffrey Battle.

Well, at least upon "finding" Islam he changed his name to something more appropriate than "Mohammed."

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Princess and the Pea

Go look it up. I don't have time for "Sunday Story Time" today.

Hmm. I suppose I could tell you about "The Princess and the Pee" but... Not my thing. There's the Internet. Knock yourself out.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/9/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Barbed concertina

concertina wire in

skeletal spirals

reminds me of alders

dappled with snow,

an old boxwood

outgrowing its ledge.

stairs missing stairs,

door to the floor.

shoestring trails

pull from the cabin,

by the icy beach,

the obfuscated water.

emeralds embedded

in frozen shallows

spark, and we barb.

living off words.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2004:

When I think, of religious "Passion,"

translated, on-screen, what'd be flashin'?

My first thought, like Mel:

terror, torture gels--

think Bosn'ya and (coming to) Athens.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 2 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

More news has surfaced regarding the last living moments of Wall Street Journal Reporter Daniel Pearl, who was killed by Pakistani pro-Taliban nutballs before Afghanistan was left to its old terror-breeding ways when we decided oil was more important than American lives and attacked Iraq.

Most interesting, for DL/S&Y purposes, or for my theory-in-need-of-a-catchy-name that states we're lucky in this War on Terror (and other lil' battles) because religious fundamentalists tend to be more stupid and less book-smart than even the average moron, is the fact that the reason the video played so...oddly, I guess you'd say, is that the cameraman goofed and didn't record the actual killing of Pearl, so they had to "re-enact" it for the camera.

It's a bit like life is imitating the old "Batman" TV show. I'm surprised they didn't tie Pearl loosely to a slow-moving treadmill en route to a buzz saw while they distracted themselves in describing their plans for world domination in detail peppered with the obligatory "Moo ha ha ha's!"...

Do you remember Mandy Block?

Try again... Do you remember the chick in the Giant Sausage costume whom was whacked with a bat by then-Pittsburgh Pirate Randall Simon?

Well, when we last left our, er, heroine, or victim, or heroic victim, well... She came out publicly and said she bore no ill will to Simon, or anybody else for that matter.

Now, she has been awarded a "Certificate of Bravery" from the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council for... Getting whacked with a bat?

It seems a bit strange at first, but this is basically the same logic behind continually given Rob Schneider Hollywood projects...

Now that I know that the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council doles out award, I'm hoping somebody out there will nominate me, by the way...

For my grilling and eating abilities, you nutrods! If you get Destiny's Child over here for dinner, for example, I may be entitled to other sausage awards, but I don't think they'd come from the same organization...

By the way, I know this is very Seinfeld-rip-off-ish, but I wish people would start calling me John "Sloop" "Porterhouse" Biederman, as that's my favorite type of steak...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Patricia Ann Quirk.

Despite all the proverbs, she leaves everything to chance.

Huh?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2004:

A book, "The Obesity Myth"

says thin is what we're obsessed with.

True--but incomplete;

when I walk the streetsa

my first thought's not "my--we're too lithe."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS AND 1 DAY until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Slappin' and Yappin' Brings a Little Bit of the Weekend to a Lowly Tuesday...

(Meaning, er, that today's entry is cheezy, but party-on anyway!)...

Bill Cosby has a lot of sex.

Or, I should say, Dr. Huxtable has a lot of sex.

Take, as one example of zillions, an episode I saw the other night. Clare (SIC?) was in a bad mood, Dr. tried cheering her up, leaving her in only a semi-bad mood, and they ended up sauntering up to the bed, silk-pajama-clad, plenty of mugging as accompaniment, on the road to an activity which, some would argue, myself included, plays a large part in the overall Meaning of Life.

My and The Wife have occasionally discussed this Huxtable situation. She says it's an unrealistic Sitcom World--and, of course, in some ways it is.

I counter, however, with the fact that any house wherein the Man of the house gets that much lovin' is going to be unrealistically, Sitcom World Happy.

It's just that simple.

(By the way, that last line was my impression of Ross Pert. Read it again with that in mind!)

Or maybe I just need to start mugging around the ol' homestead on a constant basis.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2004:

A Brit ballet was forced to fold

for "pirating" themes, rather bold

from that "Harry Potter"--

which Time's lawyers slaughtered--

"thief" dancers--at just three-years-old!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2004:

Today marks exactly TWO MONTHS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Concerning today's limerick, it seems that the Time-Warner-AOL-"Soon, the World! Mooo ha ha ha!" conglomerate found babies in tutus a legitimate "Rival Production" to their multi-million-dollar movies and books.

However, I will admit that the three-year-olds probably looked a lot closer to the child characters described in the books than do the movie actors at this point...

I wasn't sure HOW to react to Major League Baseball's near-decision to allow "Spiderman 2" ads on actual bases.

Of course, it frightened me, but it wasn't a surprise or anything, given the way our Corporatocracy is shaping up lately.

In the end, it wasn't something I could get TOO worked up about. For at least that particular corporate-money-driven plot was OUT IN THE OPEN...

Deck on Roger Ebert's column today:

"Filmmakers will go to great lengths to generate buzz about their movies at Cannes, even if it means stretching the truth."

I'm flabbergasted! But there's hope--this sounds like the perfect investigative topic for Morgan Spurlock's ("Super Size Me") next film!...

TV and social critics have been lamenting for some time the cruelty of many "reality" TV shows. "Joe Millionaire," "Average Joe," etc.--and another one is coming soon that's an "American Idol"-type, only in this one, the least talented of contestants will be egged on and led to believe they'll become the "Next Kelly Clarkson" (which, I suppose, is better than the next McDonald's fry cook, but not much else).

Please. Resist the urge to feel sorry for ego-maniacal, attention-addicted morons.

Going on a "reality" show is kinda like pursuing a career as an astronaut--the potential for lethal danger is well understood by the rest of the world and, if you're too stupid to realize it yourself... One word: Darwin...

A new airline called "Hooters Air" brings the Hooters experience to airplane travel.

I don't have anything particularly witty or insightful to say about this development. I'm just tickled pink over it.

Although, I'll admit, I'm doing the tickling myself...

Here in Chicago, there's an exhibit/ fundraiser/ whatchamacallit titled, "Artists for AIDS."

I'm a bit surprised that there's no hubbub over this one but, then again, I guess AIDS opens up opportunities for artists in the same way Bush's Iraq War opens up jobs...

Okay, most people who believe in Heaven also believe in Hell. Right?

Well, then, how come you never see an obituary describing somebody "...now in hell with her late husband..."?...

Yesterday, in typing the word "mezzanine," I accidentally typed, "Mexxanine."

And promptly turned rather hungry, imagine a level between a building's two floors chock full o' tacos and such...

"The History of the Daily Limerick" section below has been edited a bit.

But take it easy there, cowboy. Know when to say when...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Suzanne Favors.

Pass her out at your next party and you'll be the talk of the town.

And:

Char Marie Flood.

My, she's deep.

And:

Rabbi Simcha Hacohen Kook.

He's an Israeli, proving that they have their religious Kooks, too.

And:

Chef Dave Schy.

Recommends a good blush with any meal.

And:

Charles J. Rissky.

He'd rather just hang on to his "precious."

And:

Cliff Clinkscales.

You're only supposed to do that with BLACKBOARD ERASERS, Cliff.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2004:

Nat. Dog-Sausage Council has lorded

it's pow'r--Brav'ry Cert. was awarded

to one Mandy Block--

costumed, was bat-clocked

(my "sausage prize" to her's more sordid).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 30 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

A news story today about the rise in child asthma cites ear infection as a possible indicator of asthma. The story went on to say that fewer middle class children have benefited from this knowledge, speculating that this is because middle- and upper-class people are more likely to have a child's ear infection checked out because they are "better educated."

I guess it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that "lower-class" people often DON'T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE WHETHER THEY'RE "EDUCATED" ABOUT EAR INFECTIONS OR NOT...

In reading today about the Grand Finale of "Frasier," one of few sitcoms for which I can identify the funny parts without a laugh track, I learned that Kirstie Alley has never guest-starred on the show, while most other major "Cheers" characters have.

I also learned something about Scientology, indirectly, by learning that Alley claimed she wouldn't appear on the show because her "religion" has a "disdain for psychologists." Not sure why a religion with "science" in its name would disdain an actual science... But that's neither here nor there. It's in fact "out there."

But I'm gonna go out on a Sherlock Holmes-ian limb and say that Alley didn't appear on "Frasier" due to another fact I learned from the story:

She was never asked...

Now that government and all sorts of do-gooder groups are declaring "War on Obesity," it's the perfect time for me to one-up them all and demand that women start honing their bodies to look more like supermodels!

I call it my "Emaciation Proclamation"...

I went to the eye doctor today, which brings to mind the question:

Why ARE there eye doctors now?

He didn't do anything a computer couldn't have done. Oh, I could've had glaucoma or something, I suppose, but a computer could refer you to an actual doctor if necessary, couldn't it?

I know, I know. Back-burner issue. Not like something like that would fill a necessary void like, say, FRIENDSTER or something...

My bank is one of those extra-careful institutions, demanding ID whenever I make a transaction with an actual teller.

Which is nice.

But would some confused criminal actually make a DEPOSIT to my account?...

My bank has branches and ATMs in most every Jewel grocery store (the chain known as "Albertson's" out West). The Jewel I usually visit also has a public restroom, which is a delightful feature for a guy like me with a weak bladder and a penchant for near constant liquids who grew up in the country, just whippin' it out when the pissin' urge hit, and is now contending with the lack of "don't have to buy something to use it" bathrooms in the urban environment.

There's something magical about this Jewel's men's washroom. Darkly magical, at that.

Ninety-some percent of the time, a men's washroom is used for Number One. But, for some sinister yet unexplained reason, EVERY time I go to use it, the door is locked. I stand and wait, usually having to go REALLY bad as a special extra, and wait. And wait. And the more I wait, the more fear builds. Because I know what a long wait for the men's bathroom means. And, sure enough, upon finally entering the john, my fears are confirmed. And confirmed boldly and... Well, I could add a number of adjectives, but I think you get the picture (and its accompanying Smell-O-Vision).

I can't explain it. But I guess I'll have to deal with it.

What can I say. Shit happens...

(I know that was an especially cheap joke, even by S&Y standards, but I couldn't PASS IT up...)

I've identified a new ailment: Sacred Porn Disorder.

I get a new porn DVD, and I peruse it. Most that I buy have "chapter selection" or something similar, and I peruse to see, based on a variety of factors, which scenes look inviting to me, which look especially inviting and which, although a rarity, are the opposite of inviting. (Get-outta-here-ing?)

However, I feel obligated to watch every scene. Not only that, but I feel compelled to watch each one in its ENTIRITY.

Like a hoard of treasure.

I don't know how to end this.

Porn happens?...

Saw a "for sale" ad today for a "labtop."

So... Somebody else types on it while you're down mixing chemicals and animating the dead?...

Here's another phrase to throw about to "Be Like S&Y!":

"Bitchcakes."

It's got a dash of that rapper "bitch/ho" thing, with an S&Y twist. It's been in my head for many moons.

Oh, c'mon! Every guy has a natural love-dislike attitude toward women, at least on occasion. As if you chick readers never refer to guys generically as "assholes." I've heard it. It's noted. Don't try it....

My Notebook o' Fun contains my scrawling: "Corner Bakery poisoning."

Some people got sick there, yadda yadda yadda, there was unsanitary shit going down, but I can't remember for the Love of Porn what my point was concerning this...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange... Products?) for No Real Good Reason:

U.S. Rep. Jim Oberstar (D-Minn.).

It's next to the Unberstar.

Huh?

And:

Ivan Bunny.

Pope loves 'em. Fruitful--and he multiplies!

And:

West Bobo.

He's the trick gorilla in the cowboy hat.

And:

Walter Sporn.

Hmm. Thinkin' o' porn again.

And:

"Ream -N- Clean" brand pipe cleaners.

(There's the "Strange Product," by the way.)

All I can say about that one is: ha ha he he ho hooo, he he, haaaaa! Ooh, ha ha! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....................................................................

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2004:

As calls to "shape up" rock the nation

I'd like to take this here occasion

to require all dames

supermodel frames:

Emaciation Proclamation.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 29 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Statistics indicate that six to seven percent of the U.S. population is "on" some form of low-carb diet.

So it seems a little silly to call it a "craze" and blame food companies' financial woes on it.

Although that percentage comes out to about one in twenty of us, from my experience with people claiming to be "on" a certain diet, this really translates to a maximum of two percent actually eating low-carb regularly...

I neglected to give an usage example for my delightful term, "bitchcakes," yesterday.

So here's an "in-my-head" example:

"Nice rack, but you really shouldn't be wearin' a half-shirt there bitchcakes"...

See? Showing affection for women at the same time it shows a little resentment...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Marine General Peter Pace.

If we all had him in the bedroom... Well, the world would be a lot happier.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2004:

A big, flamin' queen, name of Randy

would liquor himself up with brandy.

Dip himself, with goading

into choc'late coating

to match his personae: Man Candy.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 28 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

So have you heard about that dame who had a portion of her FREAKIN' SKULL removed... (which is enough to attract S&Y attention)... but who also, due to an insurance SNAFU... (in this case, REALLY conforming to the actual definition of "SNAFU")... has had to wait an inordinate amount of time, just sitting there, MISSING HALF OF HER FREAKIN' SKULL!? (Gotta love the investigative/research commitment here, huh? Bringing you such details as "an inordinate amount of time.")

Well, I hope she's making the most out of the Silver Lining on this particular cloud.

What Silver Lining, you ask?

Well, she can grab that skull (I'm hoping they at least let her take it home, show it off, play with it) and call somebody up, smack it on the table and imitate Jeff Spicoli (SIC?) (there's that "research commitment" again) by saying, "That's my skull! I'm SO wasted!"

Huh? "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," ya' nutslap!

Oh, I know it's no "Euro Trip," but give an "old guy" a break and chuckle...

By the way, I'm considering doing a "Classic, Traditional" limerick for Cheezy Saturdays from now on. You know, to get the Conservative Limerick Community off my back, with their damn elbow patches on their damn suit jackets and...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2004:

New "Hooters Air" many have toasted

'cause hot wings--and hot thangs!--it's boasted.

Not up for that fare,

at least in the air--

my nuts would feel all honey roasted!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 27 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

In the interests of fairness, although the Iraqi-stacking, -leashing, -hooding, etc. prison guarding fad was most certainly encouraged by the fact that the current U.S. administration boldly flouts most any code of conduct previously established by the world community, I've also gotta say that it's doubtfully anything out of the ordinary.

Back in, say, WWII or the Korean War, they didn't have cameras on everything from cell phones to cockrings. And they didn't have the Internet.

I do suspect, however, that soldiers in the past would've known enough to NOT TAKE FUCKING PICTURES OF THEMSELVES COMMITTING WAR CRIMES in the event that a camera was present, but a decade plus of "Full House" will do that to a generation...

By the way, I may have unwittingly stumbled upon a fine name for my one-man show with "Cell Phones to Cockrings"...

First the nation is rocked by the revelation that Dubya doesn't actually read the newspapers. He trusts others to fill him in on things. I'm guessing these "things" are primarily "Mary Worth" and "Jumble."

Oh, and perhaps the revelation didn't exactly "rock" the nation. But it may have lightly shook the collective TV couch for a moment or two, although that was predominantly mistaken for a spousal fart.

Now Rumsfield says he's quit reading the papers so as not to stress himself out.

So we've lost the last remaining connection between the Administration and us commoners in "Beetle Bailey"...

Justice John Paul Stevens who, by the way, is my favorite Supreme Court Justice (and I know that Clarence Thomas is the tall, dreamy one, but I prefer Stevens, the pouty, brooding member of the band) and, need I remind you, the Supreme Court is my favorite government entity, well... Whew.

Don't try diagramming S&Y sentences when I'm digressin' like a politician asked a yes or no question!

Anyhow, Stevens sounded off this week about how he thinks we really shouldn't have the death penalty anymore.

There is no case before the Supremes that would decide the constitutionality of the death penalty at this point. And the S.C. has upheld the constitutionality of the death penalty in recent times.

But I'm giving Stevens yet another in a long line of "thumbs ups."

There really oughta be an "Ebert and that Other Doofus spin-off, "at the Supreme Court."

Not actually with Ebert. And certainly not with that Other Doofus.

How about... Bill O'Reilly and Michael Moore?

Throw in a leash, a couple hoods and Roll 'em!...

Luis Ignacio Lula da Silva, the Big Cheese of Brazil... Okay. I know. That's not his real title. I'll start over again with journalistic excellence:

Luis Ignacio Lula da Silva, the Queso Grande de Brasil, was described as some sort of lush within the week by a New York Times reporter, who was then tossed out of Brazil for doing such a thing, which in turn has caused a hubbub questioning the "free press" of Brazil.

Seems da Silva often appears publicly nursin' a whiskey and such and, well, the ol' "I just like drinkin'" vs. "it's none of my freakin' business but I assume anybody having more fun than me has 'a problem'" you've seem thousands of times is rearin' its silly head.

I say we taka cue from da Silva here. It's not like our bright "I as a Politician am Completely Vice- and Fun-Free" idea is improving the leadership pool...

Those of us who actually analyze facts and situations and political platforms before deciding whether to vote GOP, Dem or otherwise in each political contest--as opposed to the predominant "straight party" voters, whether by definition or in practicality--are now called "swing voters."

Swing isn't exactly the most complimentary of word choices, of course. Those in power are none to happy with that "individuality defect"...

I'm been puzzling for some time over what to call myself.

"Liberal" and "Conservative" are near-meaningless, and what little meaning they have mostly connotes "idiot." "Moderate" is really a ploy to change the definition of "thoughtful" to mean "thoughtful but nothing TOO far from the Status Quo" and, while I considered calling myself "Extremist" or "Radical," well... Need I say more about what THOSE words connote today?

So for now, I think I'll go with, "Immoderate"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Sandra Munch.

She's good eatin'.

And.

Margaret Falsey.

Seems she's heeded society's "Augmentation Proclamation"...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: My First "Voting" Experience

All of this election focus has me remember my first experience with the election process.

It was...third or forth grade I think? I suppose I could go back and calculate it but, hey, that's not what Sunday Story Time is about. Which brings to mind the question, "What IS Sunday Story Time about?" which I am not prepared to answer but... Ahem.

It was Ford vs. Carter. The chief issues for our class were: 1) Ford: our predominantly Republican parents were for him, but his head, as the prominent slur went, "was run over by a lawn mower" (bald); and 2) Carter: our predominantly Democratic teaching force was for him (which led my father to instruct me that "teachers are weird"), but on the negative side he had a lot of teeth and was involved with peanuts.

Ford won in a landslide--for our school, anyway, which, of course, was the opposite of how the nation voted. Carter only got two votes. One was mine. (I think I was just trying to be "different.") The other was from the girl with the coke-bottle glasses and the special, large-lettered textbooks. Rumor had, in foreshadowing shades of the 2000 election, that her vote was accidental.

Come to think of it, the focus on such "platform" factors as bald heads and funny teeth were oddly prescient of elections to come, too.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/16/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: A song before dinner

Reintegrate the music you love.

Listen anew to layers that move you.

The aura therein knows no time.

It flaunts its limits, breaking binds.

The song that inspires? Give me its number.

I'll call it up and talk for hours,

mapping its mind, home by home,

I'll learn your roads. I'll nest in those notes.

I know you're waiting to go inside,

just give me a sec -- I'm writing this for you.

Finished! Here. A red envelope.

Read it tonight. Know all my hopes.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2004:

Some Muslim North African nations

find vaccines bring a "situation":

They cry "Christian plot!"

And, true, what they've brought

seeks to instill civilization!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 26 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Today is the anniversary of my 1991 DUI!

And I spent a large portion of my afternoon at the DMV (although it's not called the "DMV" here in Illinois), FYI. My report on the DMV? SNAFU, of course.

Enough of that! Time to TCB...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Patrick J. Doody.

Boy, Howdy!

And:

Loretta Teets.

I think she's an au pair.

And:

Ben Sheets.

Works best undercover.

And:

Kristen McQueary.

A member of the Question Coalition.

And:

Larissa Meek.

I understand she is/was a contestant/participant on "The Bachelor." Or perhaps "The Bachelorette." Or was it "Average Bachelor"?

Considering the state of our TV stations today, she just may be set to rule the world.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2004:

Now Bush's strange methods of leadin'

caught on--and now Rummy is heedin'

his "system" for learning--

decision discerning

with no newspapers for the readin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 25 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

The Pussification of America continues:

As part of its current marketing scam, ESPN is featuring an online "Sports Shrink," Dr. Charles Goodstein.

A small step, I know, but be patient. We're not even halfway through the fourth year of this new millennium; everything causing discomfort will have a Capitalist... er, a medical solution before it's done.

Other than spending 90 percent of his time dealing with Red Sox and Cubs fans, one example of situations Goodstein can help with was this: to counsel sports fans in couples on how to deal with a significant other who doesn't care for sports.

Now, I have no degree in psychiatry, but I'm gonna take a crack at the example:

Try, oh, LIVING YOUR LIFE AS MEN AND WOMEN HAVE SINCE THE CAVEMAN INVENTED A PRIMITIVE VERSION OF "KEEP-AWAY"!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2004:

Last year, when I turned thirty-five

my campaign for Prez came alive!

But then I forgot

(not polling so hot)

still my ticket has the least jive.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 24 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

A "See Inside"-type headline from today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Editorial: Iraqi Governing Council's Revolving Door Undercuts Needed Consistency."

You mean, despite numerous council members being blown away by suicide bombers, that revolving door is still workin'?...

The World Health Organization has released its guidelines for nations to follow in the soon-to-be-world-wide effort to attack obesity.

One of its recommendations? Tax "unhealthy" foods.

So, let's say I hit a health club regularly and make an effort to eat healthy 90 percent of the time. Once in a great while I have a burger and I have to pay a tax on it because I'm being "naughty"?

What about the differences in "healthy" dependent on whether one's diet is low-fat or low-carb? And what the hell is the definition going to be for "unhealthy"? Let's say I'm a long-distance runner and actually require a high-salt diet. What if I... Oh, the questions are endless.

When's the last time I've thanked the Anti-Smoking Nazis, by the way, for helping establish the "give government more money to waste through higher taxes on unhealthy things" precedent?...

Lately, I've been reading of more and more cases of trains killing pedestrians.

And, by the way, these trains aren't de-railing and zooming across un-tracked land to mow down unwitting pedestrians. We're talking about knucklehead victims. Or the very young whom have been raised by knuckleheads. And they're often nailed because they're listening to an iPod or talking/e-mailing/generally-avoiding-the-reality-around-them on a cell phone.

Of course, politicians, sensing something that spurs emotion and provides an opportunity for their signature useless actions, are all over this.

Train companies have been forced by the predominant idiocy of society to run public service announcements which, of course, are being ignored by folks who can't bear to put away the cell or iPod for a moment.

Now, I may be willing to make an exception "for the children," blah blah blah, but, otherwise... People who talk on cell phones and listen to iPods too much are being killed?

You say "problem"; I say "Darwin"...

I prattled on in this space lately about how the state of the novel is... Not as grand as it once was. I'll leave it at that for now.

Okay, examples of recent "novelists": Britney Spears and mom... Okay, enough examples, I think.

Well I was reading in the Authors Guild bulletin yesterday about a trend toward unwieldy "acknowledgement" sections of books.

As but one example, Kitty Kelly, in a recent steamin' chunk of shit hiding between two book covers about Nancy Reagan, thanks 795 people.

Damn! She's closing in on the number of acknowledgements in the average Academy Awards speech!...

On my way to the bus this morning, I passed a coffeehouse that I often pass and notice that it has a convenient place for one to tie their dog as they go in to buy a cup.

There was, however, no ashtray outside for one to leave, say, a cigar as a purchase is made.

There I go again, comparing smokers and dogs, apples and oranges.

But they'll be taxing your fuckin' dogs soon.

Can't thank you do-gooders enough.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2004:

A foot fetishist liked to gloat

that taking his yacht for a float

would score bathing beauties--

bare feet with the booty!--

so well, he dubbed it his "Shrimp Boat."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 23 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

A band of kinder, gentler Mad Scientists has announced that a climax-inducing variety of chocolate is only five years away.

(Other, not-so-mad scientists, have serious reservations about this claim.)

The operative question would be... Why? Why? WHY???!!!!

Any scientist sitting around wondering, "Hmm... How can we eliminate sex?" should be sent to a U.S.-led Iraqi prison immediately. (None of these nutrods were identified, but I smell women's involvement. Any MAN wondering the thought should be sent somewhere worse than a U.S.-led Iraqi prison... Perhaps to his local DMV.)

I do suppose it would be easier to score a candy bar than to get into a woman's panties. Then again, this would probably send the cost of chocolate skyrocketing. And... There are so many issues this would present. I'm guessing you'd still be able to buy normal chocolate, but what about the Easter basket mix-ups? Are we prepared for a five-year-old humping a solid chocolate Sponge Bob Squarepants?

This development would certainly do wonders for the obesity epidemic, too...

It's time for... DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YOU SO:

An e-headline from today's Chicago Tribune e-news update--

"CELL PRIVACY WARNING. Some privacy advocates fear a new cell phone directory will trigger a flood of unwanted calls and text messages."

Revenge will be sweeter than Viagra-esque chocolate...

And, whadday know! It's time AGAIN for... DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YOU SO:

The City of Chicago appears to be en route to purchasing a casino.

The Cruise Control is now set for the remaining few Conglomerates to completely merge with Government; then, the Corporatocracy will be complete...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Hal Gulett.

He's down with (U.S. Sen.) Orrin "da" Hatch.

Huh?

And:

Gloria Coco.

Now, mixing a WOMAN with Viagra-esque chocolate might not be such a bad scheme...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2004:

John Kerry's daughter's dressin' hot--

see-through blouse at Cannes, hot to trot!

His campaign should trumpet

the rack on that strumpet:

A hooter in every pot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 22 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Why do retailers even bother putting a gallon of milk in a plastic bag? Do the clerks regularly have bets on how many seconds the handles will actually hold out?...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for no Real Good Reason:

Elizabeth L. Haltiwanger.

AKA, "Blue Baller."

And:

Mary B. Koy.

Humble, my ass.

And:

Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher.

I think he's also in charge of supplies at Kansas schools.

And:

Sandwich, Illinois.

Somewhat sub-urban, I hear...

Man, this is one of the suckiest S&Y's on record!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2004:

A private detective would stick

to cases with crimes by hot chicks.

His wild, raging lust

helped speed-up the bust--

he'd finger a suspect REAL quick.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 21 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Here's my new catch phrase:

"What're ya', liquored?"

Yup. It's set to "sweep the nation," as they say. Become the "cat's pajamas." Its use will help determine, in fact, if one is "hip to the jive." You're gonna hear it in movies, on TV talk shows, around the water cooler and even in the "mean streets." (Sorry, didn't think I was using enough clichés, so I through one of the Grand Daddies of all clichés in there, "mean streets.")

Now, just who, beside myself, is going to spread this catchphrase around? Why, you, my Slappin' and Yappin' Grasshoppers. (Is that the term I've been using? It has been a while.) Yes, you. The ones sending me all those "Daily Limerick moments" to help celebrate the big five-year anniversary coming up, which you may have seen notice of in S&Y.

Hmm.

Well, perhaps it won't exactly "sweep the nation." Or the "mean streets," for that matter. We'll call it a "cult catch phrase"...

Oh, and you may have noticed that this has been an extra cheezy week altogether.

That's because it's my birthday week. Nyah-nyah. Or was, I guess, at this point.

But we are heading into an extended holiday weekend so... Slice up the apples, break out the wine accompaniment guide and lay out an assortment of your favorite crackers!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2004:

The thinking goes, Bush has a lock

on Terror Fight issue (can't knock).

Let's analyze that:

So when we're attacked

waste our defenses in Iraq.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 20 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

There's a new trend of movie theaters scheduling events to accommodate mother-with-young-children viewers. One such Chicago-area outing is dubbed, "Reel Moms."

Perceiving a market that's not currently being served, and knowing all too well the horror of a wailing child in a movie theater (although with many of today's Hollywood blockbusters, does it really matter if you hear the "scintillating" dialogue anyway)... Well, now moms can go to a movie chock-full o' screaming ragamuffins.

Why? Well, mothers of young children demand the right to pay money for a movie they'll never in a million years be able to follow. Or perhaps it says something about the intellectual level of Hollywood.

I'll do my part. Should this catch-on, the pun-infested names for these events are going to get stale real quick. How about: "Scream, Too"?...

Now, MADtv has committed many crimes.

Producing Godawful "comedy" immediately comes to mind. Utilizing the "MAD" name with a complete disregard for MAD Magazine's high standards is another. And paving the way for whippersnappers to say, when I reveal that I write for MAD, "Oh, MADtv!" may in fact call for some sort of U.N. tribunal.

It's biggest crime, however, is undoubtedly the act of featuring as host Evan Marriott (SIC?--who cares?) at this point in time. Even if today's schlock fest IS a rerun, sketch show reruns tend to be fairly recent installments. Perhaps we need an amendment criminalizing the "Willful and Wanton Extension of One's Fifteen Minutes."

And if you've forgotten who Evan is... Well, congratulations! You may even be on your way to forgetting "Achy Breaky Heart"...

Speaking of "celebrities" (as opposed to "Celebrities"), have you seen the Jessica Simpson video for "Take My Breath Away"?

Bravo! Despite the fact that, other than the lower vocal quality, it doesn't sound much different than the original... Oh, and the fact that, well, it's a more-and-more common music industry stunt to avoid that pesky "originality" while using the hit power of an already proven hit... Well, this was an important re-make.

It really adds something to a song's copying...er, interpretation when a "video artist" uses the rare tactic of being shown driving down a sunny California highway, wearing sunglasses, in an expensive car...

Does anybody else, by the way, feel that "reality" TV is just quickening the societal process of eliminating those pesky "reasons" that celebrities of the past found necessary for fame?

Oh, it perhaps started with the likes of Zsa Zsa Gabor, who, other than having famous sisters, seemingly bore no tangible reason to be famous. Then came the tabloid fascinations with people like Liz Taylor, who had given up the career thing but were allowed--no, encouraged--to remain in the Celebrity Pool indefinitely.

Now, you start out as a celebrity without reason, eliminating all that pesky career, accomplishment and talent stuff altogether.

Social Synergy?...

And now, let's all play "Answer the Stupid Question Posed in a Newspaper's 'See Inside' kinda Blurb."

Today's installment, from the May 21 Chicago Sun-Times:

"Is Gray the New Blond?"

Uh, no...

By the way, I'm highly disturbed that journalistic style, and only within the last 10 years or so, has left the word "blonde" to history.

Used to be "blond" for a male and "blonde" for a female.

Showing any sign of actually having a gender is SOOOO last century...

An obit from the same paper begins:

"Max Q. Cooper, 77, Comedian, Impersonator."

Geez. Right in the headline, too. Usually, they only say nice things about the recently departed...

Isn't everyone a voyeur?

Really. They call it a "fetish" or a "depravity" but, c'mon! If I hear moans coming from a window on my deck, I'm takin' a peek. If I hear a shower and the window is close-to-visible from where I'm at, I move a bit, or crane my neck, and take a gander to see what happenstance has given me.

I suppose the clinical "voyeur" label comes with degree. I don't go so far as carrying a camera and plotting neighbors' typical showering times or anything, at least not when I'm up on the ladder with the infrared goggles...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

The first nugget of this section is kinda like an annotation to the day's Limerick. I tried hard to relate this concept limerically but, hey, why let the complete and utter impracticality of fitting such a thought into the limited limerick form interfere with the artistic process?...

It is generally accepted that Dubya wins out on one issue among voters: Being tough on terror.

That's right. Economy, return to 1950s values, etc., etc. aside, he has the national security thing going for him.

Republican candidate in general have that going for them. Especially in times of war.

I am, however, amazed that Bush is benefiting from it.

Then again, I'm no military expert. Perhaps the best thing to do, when attacked by an enemy, is to go start a completely unrelated, questionably successful war...

Of course, Americans seem most concerned with the price of gas.

Bush has plans and promises for lowering that price, as does Kerry. Although considering the world supply of oil is not only finite, but nearing the point where demand permanently exceeds supply, there's really nothing politicians can do about it. Which of course is one thing that makes it a favorite topic of political debate.

The more I ponder these issues, the more little discoveries I make.

For instance, it seems likely that somebody told Bush Mars might have oil...

Here in Illinois, it's hardly a secret that Gov. Rod Blagojevich has aspirations of running for higher office one day.

So, as we in the Land of Lincoln have done, you may have to learn the pronunciation of that name, through much trial and error, one day.

So today's special pull-out section actually provides an anti-endorsement for 2008, 2012 or perhaps 2016...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: "Twelve"

One day, in junior high Spanish class, I was seated next to Troy, hands-down the most notorious geek in the class (later implicated in a "sex for traffic ticket avoidance" scam as an adult cop). Like many of us, Troy often had difficulties lending his full attention to the teacher.

Ms. Freud was setting up teams for a Spanish language game and had asked students to count off, one number each, as a way of randomly determining team members. Troy was first.

"Troy?" said Ms. Freund.

"What?" said Troy.

"Numbers!" reminded Ms. Freund.

"Uh... Twelve?" said Troy.

Ha ha, ho ho, hoo heee... Ahem.

I'll end this with a Bad Story Red Flag:

Guess you had to be there.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/23/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Coffee in a paper cup

Coffee in a paper cup,

a warming presence, mocha coal,

a caffeinated bedding down.

Needing morning song no more.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2004:

The latest flick-watching phenom's

shows for moms with kids, like "Reel Moms."

Why have just onescreamin'

when rooms full of demons

can drown out that Hollywood bomb!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 19 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

USA Weekend watch:

On the heels of publishing a guide to blogging in recent months, the nation's largest-circulation waste of paper this week published a "Guide to Self-Publishing."

Evidence, I suppose, of its commitment to helping the alarming number of talent-less, wannabe writers without a forum to engage in uninteresting expression for a handful of friends...

The Hallmark Channel, by nature, broadcasts weepy, largely-for-women programming.

Which is why I was surprised to see, in my free-in-the-newspaper "TV Prevue" publication, that they are showing a "Kojak" movie this week.

Or perhaps there was some listing problem. Either an accident or a bald-faced lie...

Those "TV Prevue" kinda guides all apparently have something in their mission statement about championing Godawful shows that, despite networks' love of the stars behind them, aren't doing so hot.

A description of "Reba" not only describes a character as being only "slightly ditzy," but calls the show an "edgy comedy."

That's about as shameless as it gets. They were pushing it by calling the show a "comedy" without the now-meaningless adjective.

Little by little, I'm finding out what happens to all those "fiction writing" college majors...

I'm including this little tidbit for my single readers.

Well, mostly for the male ones, but it could come in handy for women, I suppose.

I've only broken out the grill recently for the season. However, every time I've cued so far, some hot chick from the building has commented on the savory scents of my barbecue. One even lingered a bit, perhaps desiring a taste of the sweet meat. And perhaps some of the barbecue, too.

(Couldn't pass that one up.)

Of course, I figure more and more of these things out as I get a) older and less attractive and b) more and more married.

(Sigh.)

But don't let my experience go to waste! Break out the cue, boys!

I guess that, just like with men, the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach (with barbecue). Not that you're all that focused on their hearts, of course, but the way into a woman's pants is coincidentally through her heart...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Capt. Robert Shuck.

I think his kids are especially cute. Haven't seen the pics myself, but I've often heard complete strangers muttering, "Aw, Shucks."

Ugh.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/24/2004:

> Happy belated birthday. Congratulations! You're still alive. The jellyfish

> wouldn't have it so.

So e-mail and such has not eliminated the phrase "Happy belated birthday" from the common lexicon! Or course, there are lexi-pros, too.

Huh?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2004:

Craving attention by the gallon

"reality" star dilly-dallyin'

for their crumbs of fame

has changed Celeb Game--

stars no longer need pesky "talent"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 18 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Headline: "Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality."

I'll admit, this one isn't true. But it was a real headline, albeit in The Onion.

I'm sure you knew it wasn't quite factual before I tipped you off. So what clued you in? The idea of the Catholic Church addressing an issue within the same century that the issue arose? The Vatican issuing a sensible, common-sense edict for a change?

Probably the idea of the Church alienating 99 percent of its priesthood by denouncing closet cases, I'm guessin'...

Now, I know it can be difficult discerning real church edicts from satirical ones, but the Church, at least in America, is now refusing communion to churchgoers wearing the now-popular "rainbow sash" (which expresses a message of gay acceptance).

This follows a recent Church edict urging refusal of communion to politicians who vote "pro life."

Since the Church is getting serious in its campaign against sin, I close with a headline that's, unfortunately, false:

"Catholic Church to Refuse Communion to Politicians Who Voted in Favor of War"...

Real TV show:

"ABC Extreme Bloopers."

Well, adding the near-meaningless-yet-ridiculously-popular adjective is easier than making blooper shows funny again...

It appears that there is a controversy over the voting methods on "American Idol."

It only started with Bush-Gore. And I guess it was just a matter of time before it spread to an election that large numbers of Americans actually care about...

Chicago is the capital of the United States.

Unoffocially.

Duh!

See, New York is too busy attempting to be "Capital of the World." LA is... Well, c'mon.

Oh, there's Washington, D.C., I suppose. And it IS the Center of Democracy. But, really, what does Democracy have to do with the average American?...

I know. Two jokes in a row, same (albeit reworked) punch-line.

More disturbing is my use of "albeit" more than once...

I've been returning to the study of poetry and all its academic jargon lately, for reasons that would prove more boring than this sentence.

You could say it's my Anapest Destiny, speaking of re-using punchlines...

And if you don't get that last one, well, congratulations!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

David Blowers.

I can only assume he has his daughters locked up.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2004:

Some claim the Iraq torture mess

sprung from those poor soldiers' stress.

When life seems a wheel

the best way to deal

is torturing one you've undressed.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 17 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Read a story about a "hate crime" today.

It was short, but managed to name all the major details of the incident. Except two: The race of the victim and the race of the perpetrators.

I guess doing so would lead to stereotyping. Or copycat crimes. Trust the authorities; all you need know is that such things are "bad." Stalinism, political correctness; potato, potahto.

There's a lot of effort involved in assuaging the public's fear of that rampant French-American on German-American crime...

Now, listen up, open mike participants (especially comics):

An open mike is a place where you go to try out material on whoever happens to be in attendance.

An actual show, should you earn one, entails a venue where people actually come to watch you perform.

You don't go to an open mike and leave because attendance is low.

Oh, and for the record: An audience consisting mostly of other comics is next-to-useless for the purpose of "trying stuff out."

Another hint: It is generally necessary to perform at quite a few open mikes before gaining the talent and connections necessary to enjoy the luxury of a crowd that is there to see you.

Well, in theory, anyway.

And you may want to put careful thought into whether or not you have something different to offer the comedy scene. And if you can boldly answer "no," you're more than ready to move to Hollywood...

So I was at an open-mike/showcase things last night, and I guy walks up to me and says, "Excuse me, can you tell me..." I reached for my timepiece, "what DAY it is?"

That, my friends, is an example of the type of person who might be at an open mike "to see you perform"...

I think we need to go back to calling women "Mama."

Foxy Mama. Pretty Mama. Etc.

Ah, what do you care?...

If you've ever watched porn, or had sex... Well, at least had enough sex to constitute a sex LIFE, you know that... Let's just say that men and women disagree on turn-ons sometimes, okay?

Some of these male turn-ons strike an unknowing woman as... Less than loving, I guess?

For some reason, I was pondering this question last night and it a metaphor came to me:

Many cats will bite you as a show of affection.

Now, a woman wouldn't walk up to you and chomp down on your arm as a loving gesture, but do women go crying "degrading!" over playful felines?

Get it?...

I've mused before in this space about how the wearing of boxer shorts has a tendency to prompt your John Thomas to flop out of the allegedly convenient "pee door" in the underwear which, to my knowledge, has yet to be used for such purpose by a human male.

I have a pair of pants that is missing a button on the "barn door." Not a key button, but in certain postures, it opens kinda wide.

In pondering this situation as a boxer-wearing kinda guy, I came up with a new worry:

What if both holes, in a triumph of happenstance, happen to be at just the wrong position at just the wrong time?

I'll be the belle of the balls!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Janice Roshalle Littlejohn.

Well, shucks. I know it's impressive and all but, still...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2004:

Results for "American Idol"

have teeny bops near homicidal.

That's quite radi-cal, kids,

for "music" as val-id

as that at a grade-school recital.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 16 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

Randy Jackson, one of the hosts of the curiously telecast karaoke disaster known as "American Idol," plans to start a show where the karaoke singers get to work with actual musicians like Paul Simon.

Now, Paul (and the gist goes for any other ACTUAL musicians who may be asked to join this evil quest)... We put up with the odd infatuation with African gourds and such, but this would be too much.

How to view the offer? Remain "American Idle"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Kim Komando.

With a name like "Kim," I'm gonna have to find out what sex he/she is before registering an opinion on the lack of underwear.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2004:

China takin' Hong Kong's a stinger;

the taste of freedom will long linger.

Reds' diversion ploy:

corpse of Buddha Boy--

but they just sent Hong Kong The Finger.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2004:

The wired modern age of cell phones

cries, "Life's portable, so go roam!"

brought laptop away

for Memor'yal Day

but left the damn plug-in at home.

***

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2004:

But I'm somewhere rather un-urban

(you'd prob'ly get lynched in a turban)

Apple parts? Can't buy!

(Plus, price'd be too high.)

Events have turned rather disturbin'.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2004:

You now get four days' worth at once

'cause I'm a full-on honkin' dunce.

The battery's low

(worked the ride up--d'oh!)

so here ya' go, clam up, have funz!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28-5/31/2004:

Today marks exactly ONE MONTH AND 15 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Enlist a new subscriber! Start a local chapter of PWDWTBPFT (People Who Don't Want to Be Protected From Themselves)! Where are the "Daily Limerick Moments" I asked you to send? C'mon, over five years, somebody must have one! And where the hell are the nudie jpegs chicks are supposed to send? I'll take Maxim-esque jpegs if you're shy; hell, I'll take feet pics! SOMETHING, for Jennifer Garner's dimples' sake (and she HAS to have 'em on more than her cheeks--er, FACE cheeks!)...

The limericks this entry's situation adequately, I believe...

I recently related in S&Y my mistaken belief that the men's room in the Jewel/Albertson's grocery store was some sort of anomaly because every time I use it, it's right after somebody takes a Dump of Grand Proportions--and takes their sweet time doing it, at that. Or perhaps I should say they take their FOUL time doing it.

But in keeping an eye out, or more appropriately (and unfortunately) a nose out, I'm figuring out that public restrooms in general are magnets for folks with nothing to do and nowhere to go who need to burn a fierce mule.

Given the preternaturally horrific nature of these near-suicide-bomber level BMs, I suppose I understand why they wouldn't want the noxious gasses in their own homes. But why do these people take so damn LONG in the bathroom?

Then again, if I learned that I were capable of emissions of such an eldritch, harrowing nature, I'd have a lot of thinking to do. And, it goes with out saying, obviously a lot of shit to work out...

I'm generally annoyed by the germophobic crowd. Whenever somebody freaks out about me, say, eating a French fry off the floor, I'm quick to point out the proof that they're simply whackjobs: This isn't the first time I've done such a thing, pal, so the very fact that I'm alive after decades of such behavior proves you a hopeless whackjob and your little "theory" poppycock.

I occasionally read of scientific data backing up my contentions.

For instance, I recently read that the hubbub over post-urination hand-washing is a load of crock. Believe it or not, one's mouth has something like 100 times more germs than one's crotch.

I believe that this little nugget calls for a complete re-working of societal pleasantries. That lil' good night kiss? Too dangerous, honey. Drop and blow me--I sincerely care about you babe! And forget that teeny smooch on the cheek as a hello/goodbye greeting from lady friends; peck on the nuts should do...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/30/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Windows, doors & floors

One man's roof is another's floor.

A door may have a window set in it.

From the window I watched a door opening out.

Opening the window, I called out hullo.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John "Sloop" Biederman), landed a gig writing "News Limericks" for the Chicago Tribune's new, hip, youth--demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL-as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year-but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list "cock" and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for honey jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003--which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think-well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that "The Great Colon Cockling of 2003" rolls off the tongue nicely?

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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