Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2004:

While actions of most our employers

show "more jobs" Bush as Job Destroyer

some fields are doin' great--

just look to swing states

so fully infested with lawyers.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

It's days like these that I wish I were Hollywood Ethical enough to throw out an S&Y rerun.

Or at least one of the disguised, lazy "Best Of-ish" shows were everybody sits around saying stuff like, "Remember when Slappin' and Yappin' was in Philadelphia and..." Then again, I don't even really have that option, given the slack-i-tude of you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Of course, this all brings to mind the question of whether stretching "Nothing to Say" out into a couple of paragraphs is less Hollywood Ethical than either of those things but, hey, you will never read these exact mumblings at this exact day and time ever again.

So this is really "A Very Special Slappin' and Yappin'."

But, hey, at least I ain't throwin' a guest star at ya'.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2004:

Though true argument's often sounded:

Either way, the public gets mounted

by our politicians

to vote's still your mission--

Go out, ensure your vote's re-counted!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Make sure and do your part for National Start the Recounts Day!...

Uh... That's all I have. Again.

So I guess I can't waste space with the whole "If S&Y did reruns" spiel.

Hey. I was locked out of my place last night. Took about an hour and a half to get in.

Divorce. Bedbugs. Leave me alone.

Then again, today is arguably an Extra Special Two Letters to the Idiot Edition, so don't look this gift-horse in the mouth.

Instead, look it in the ass. It's most certainly its best side...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/2/2004:

> Just had to check in to say I agree with you on no courtesy among grocery

> shoppers. It's like a miniature freeway -- you can see everybody's bad

> driving habits in miniature. And, as usual, it's the frat boys and the

> seniors who are going to get us all killed.

>

> .m.

"Frat Boys and Seniors," by the way, is the name of the new Broadway musical extravaganza I'm putting together. In between, of course, souping up my Segway.

In reply to my standing footer, "Go to www.DailyLimerick.net, ya' bastards. I mean it. NOW! Drop what you're doing and do it":

 

> Wow, you're right. That "coming soon" message and Domain Bank advertisement

> was spectacular!

Trust me. You will get an additional announcement of when it is actually up--and then one when it is actually decent, as I'm throwing a basic site up as soon as I'm done with a deadline this week.

But... One of you bastards LISTENED TO ME! You could say you TOOK MY ORDERS!

Great. I find out it's possible only after we've all voted.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2004:

Leg warmers pass T&A test;

they cause in me a turn-on fest.

So with proper begging

they'll warm up the legging

while I work on warming the rest.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

There's an exclamation that runs through my head semi-regularly:

"Sakes of the Fitzgibbons!"

Not sure where it came from. But like the names I call people, "Jagitudinal Liploaf," "Screwtoad," etc., I do know one thing and that's... I don't have any decent S&Y nuggets today.

Yet AGAIN.

I don't know what's happened. I've done this crap for five years with little problem. Oh, there are the Cheezy Saturdays. And there's the sporadic "nothing to say" entry. But I've entered an official slump or something lately.

I could rant about Bush seemingly winning or something but... Well, I try to do things here that aren't done elsewhere. Often for good reason, I suppose, but nonetheless.

And since "tragedy + time = humor," with the divorce and the bedbugs and all, I'm just waiting for a wave o' wackiness to rush over me.

What I need is a freakin' muse.

I sorta, kinda had a muse lately. She entered my life and I wrote perhaps the finest "love-ish" poem I had in years. S&Y was kickin' ass, relatively anyway, around that time and then... Well, naturally, the football was yanked away before I could truly kick it and, well, here I am, just another muse-less knucklehead.

Not that I've needed a muse before, mind you. And I don't know how I feel about the whole muse phenomenon, honestly. But it's filling space.

Can I place an ad for a muse on Monster.com or something? And who would be the ideal "Slappin' and Yappin'" muse?

I shudder to think.

Well, they say that inspiration is 90 percent perspiration so maybe I should... Not a bad idea.

And for that, I've got a muse ready to go. On DVD.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2004:

Done with the 'lectoral vote divvying

time to return to normal living.

It's helps one remember

why mid-late November

is the time we set for Thanksgiving.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Damn, if today's limerick doesn't have the rhythm of a dancing Jew at a hip hop festival...

You know, another "funny" name I call people, inside my head at least, is "Squatlick" and... Just kidding.

Well, I'm not really kidding, I suppose, as I threw it out there, but I do have more for today.

Perhaps I'm only "semi-museless" right now.

Although I wish the muse would show her face.

And, honestly, a helluva lot more than that...

Called a hot chick a "moron" today. In my head, of course.

Well, perhaps it was half-mumbled, but the point is, I've hit a new low.

Usually, I cuss and name-call at anybody suddenly popping out in front of me, getting in the way while "mentally away" on a cell phone or what-have-you--but if I notice that it's a chick with a "hubbala bubbala boomski" factor, I let it slide.

Not today.

In case you haven't been following too closely, I'll review: With my divorce, and the bedbugs, and the miscellaneous (having to break into my own house the other night due to a friend-feeding-my-cats-while-away malfeasance, stove needing a part replaced, etc.)... Well, let's just say my moods have been all over the place. This is perhaps the closest I'll come to menopause. Puttin' the "men" in menopause, I guess, or... Ugh.

Anyway, I've found myself ridiculously bitter at certain junctures of this whole process... And thought I kicked it. 'Til I thought I had a muse, or something, and she turned around and changed her mind near immediately, which actually put me in a worse place than I was to begin with, but did help me realize that I cared more about losing her than my wife, leading me to believe I was more "over it" than I'd previously known and... Ahem.

So I found myself hitting a new "Bitter Low" today.

But know it's only temporary, as I'm generally a ridiculously optimistic kinda guy. As you can see by my obvious hope that you, the reader, will follow this.

Although it's too late, long story short: I'll overcome this bitterness and rise from the ashes like a...like a... Well, like a squatlick, I suppose-but I'll still rise out of the ashes!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Barbara Crabb.

I shouldn't but...what the hell, I'm museless: I've dated her.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2004:

Osama weighted-in, pre-election

and, of results, upon reflection,

recruiting looks great--

Bush pumps up the hate!--

so O's got a Terror Erection.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Quote from Dubya, all hopped-up on his narrow (yet curiously "record-setting" victory:

"I've got the will of the people at my back."

Hmmm.

You know, if you REALLY think about those words, I can't argue with him a bit.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/5/2004:

> Hang in there, liploaf. Things will get better ... long before the Cubs win

> a Series, too.

Now, S&Y's been a lot of things over the years, but I do apologize for somehow twisting it into a psychiatrist's couch lately.

Of course, to complete the metaphor, or the whatever-the-hell this is, we must keep in mind that the "doctor," in this case, is firing off e-mail to a whack-job e-pub/Web site unseen, from a distance, and thus possibly the one who should be on the couch.

And the patient is spouting limericks.

Oh, what the hell! Everybody hop on the S&Y couch! Who needs a doctor?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2004:

Smoked fish, quick and cold like a sub,

jives nice with the Lonely Hearts Club.

It proves kinda fitting

when night-time, you're sitting

alone at home, workin' a chub.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Like many, I've been sitting around wondering just how the Democrats, liberals--whatever you want to call 'em--lost the election.

Aw, hell. What I really mean is: How did everybody who would rather have a monkey in office than Dubya go wrong?

The Democrats carefully crafted a campaign of "unity" in such a way that they didn't want to offend anybody. Ignoring Lincoln's words about not being able to "please all of the people, all of the time," they were afraid to take a strong stand against a war that began out of bullshit and has claimed more than a thousand American lives.

The Republicans had no such concerns. They didn't mind taking a non-unity-encouraging stand against matters...well, slightly less important than those claiming hundreds of lives like, oh...a fear of man-on-man commitment to monogamy.

Thus, this election brought an annotation, of sorts, to Lincoln's time-tested words:

"You only need to please a select, vocal, whacked-out 'some' of the people--but it's easy to do all of the time."

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2004:

Before you cheer, "Ashcroft is leaving!"

please note that the vic'try's deceiving.

Each old Bush-ite face

Dubya will replace

with a worse one we'll soon be grieving.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Just so you know, it may take a while to recover from the now-lacking election (/erection) coverage.

Nonetheless, today's edition is still, well, "Special," in its own way.

Perhaps the literary equivalent of needing a short, little bus to get to school, but "special," nonetheless...

So, I've told you about my Magical Mystical Peanuts Page-A-Day Calendar. Well... Oh. That's right. There's you Sunday-Only nutclutches.

Briefly: I have a Peanuts Page-A-Day calendar that doesn't actually sport a daily comic but a daily scene featuring a Peanuts character. Kinda cheap, yes, but that's not the point--the situations, moods and characters themselves have proved to be oddly prescient of the type of day I'm going to have.

Now, it's SO cheap that it "doubles up" on weekends--it has one page for each Saturday/Sunday. For this weekend, it features Peppermint Patty reading something and walking along smiling.

So I'm wondering what to make of this.

Given that Peppermint Patty likes Chuck (or me, that is, in the overall screwy metaphor), but Chuck isn't so hot on her... Well, there's somebody in my life who fits the bill, let's say. So... Is she Googling me? Perhaps reading my college newspaper columns?

Then again, the Powers of the calendar haven't necessarily been sticklers for detail. Without frightening you with the level of analysis I've put into it, we'll just say that Peppermint Pat might not have to signify a chick that I'm not hot for, and she might not even symbolize a chick that's hot for me. She's reading something and smiling, though, and that would count for something, only the calendar hasn't proven prescient on a daily basis, necessarily.

So... Is my Unknowing Muse taking a second look at my poem? (See SUNDAY STORY TIME.)

Or will I be amused by something I read?

Or should I just sacrifice a freakin' goat, while I'm at it...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Just kidding...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: My Unknowing Muse

Although it's not yet legal and on paper, I'm, for all practical purposes, a single man now. This has been the case for almost five months although, arguably, as these things don't happen at the stroke of a midnight, I've been arguably "on my own" for much longer than that.

When my status change, from married to on-the-divorce-train, occurred, my first reaction to women who seemed to be possibly flirting/smiling/etc. at/with me (while fully admitting that I generally have no clue in such matters) was one of, "leave me alone, you whore--you just want to screw up my life, play games, change your mind and toss bedbugs upon my heart!" As a mostly healthy man, this acrid sentiment mixed with a natural urge entailing Manly Needs, however, and I did keep an eye out for opportunities to wade into the ol' Love Pond, although I normally slammed shut any such open doors.

Until She came into my life.

Now, normally, a line like the preceding might as well be a neon sign flashing, "Stop Reading NOW," but let me explain. Or stop reading. Ya' bastards.

We ended up hanging out all night. And, although I'm generally a flaming skeptic, a part of me does believe in "The Magical" or whatever and, from general life experience and all, I know that we quickly established a bond that is very, very rare. In fact, although a part of me wondered if my Status was just making me extra needy and vulnerable--and, as these things are complicated, I'm sure that played SOME part--but, since The Ugly Event, I have had other "offers" and... They haven't moved me, couldn't chisel through my icy façade of "leave me alone." So the "neediness" answer doesn't fit in this case.

Okay, we'll do a semi-yadda yadda yadda over this: Shortly after finding Her, she returned my call to say simply, "I don't think we should hang out and I don't think you should call me anymore." No explanation. Arguably, I'm technically married and she's actually coming off a similar (but less intense) situation so it's not like I have nothing to go on, but... Now, this type of thing used to happen quite frequently before I was married, so lack of Dating Armor also plays a part, but I reacted to this in a way I never have before. I PURSUED her. There's a fine line between that persistence that guys should have and, well, near-stalking behavior, but I stopped calling her and more or less cornered her for discussion at one point, not going out of my way, really, but taking advantage of the shared intersections in our respective lives.

However, I did write a poem for her. Not ABOUT her or about us--lovey and crap, "your eyes are like stars," "that one night when our souls met," etc.--but truly FOR her, like... Oh, well, you get the idea. And I slipped her this poem because, as the poets among us know, the accumulation of poems for people who'll never read or hear them is a sad state of affairs and... Well, it just could "work."

Anyway, at this point, I realize that whatever the hell we had is likely just over. Finished. Finito. But I do see her fairly regularly (now have a plan to ignore her, as that sometimes "works") and... I'm not throwing in the towel just yet.

Why?

Well, I'm the first to admit that I'm not the poster child for mental stability. I write limericks on a daily basis, for Elvis' sake! And I don't think this is necessarily an emotionally healthy way to deal with this. But... Well... Ahem.

Number one, I got nothin' else goin' that's remotely similar. Eventually, I'll stumble into another opportunity that seems promising and I'll focus my attention there. (Although, considering my strange, still waxing and waning but not as bad emotional status, that might be delayed.)

But more importantly: That poem was damn good.

I wrote my estranged wife poetry regularly but, like the whole affair, looking back at some of it now, it's plain as day that, at some point, the poems became less inspired--coinciding with the downward turn of the relationship overall. Oh, of course, the "honeymoon" wears off and all, not every poem's gonna be an "Annabelle Lee," but... Trust me. I've had no Muse for some time.

Which brings me to the point of all this blathering:

While I unfortunately will quite possibly never get the "love" part of her muse energy fully tapped, her spurring me brings a negative-but-often-highly-productive inspiration. Other artists will know exactly what I'm talking about and, for the others... Well, again, I never claimed to be a poster child.

If I'm not getting anything else out of this "relationship," I might as well take her as my Muse.

My Unknowing Muse.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/7/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: One joy

I sympathize with her smile,

So vulnerable and humorous --

Taking in good cheer

From a life that glows around her.

Her eyes, too, are shining.

Tiny wounds, but those are needed

To follow through with happiness.

Experience needs overt colors.

When I'm face to face with joy,

I end up grinning, too. How can't I?

My mind calms down. My skin grows warm --

A communal connection.

I sometimes feel a part of things,

Not just waning as I'm dimming.

But here's the but. And here's the when.

Also, the if; and yet the then.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2004:

She's married, blonde Britney so fine

(don't like the guy--wait 'til next time)

don't know the guy's game

but fits his last name--

he found success with "Feed-her-lines."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

The Bush Administration has claimed that the upcoming (as of now) fighting in Fallujah will be the worst urban battle since Vietnam.

Hmm.

So the Bush folks have snuck in an Iraq/Vietnam comparison this time.

Well, he HAS been re-elected now. Still can't expect much of a change--at least not for the positive--but honesty is an improvement, of sorts...

Also read today that, since 2001, penalties for U.S. companies doing business with "terrorist nations" have declined, in many cases threefold.

Reminder: Bush has been president through this trend.

Lower fines for cavorting with terrorists. Overextending our troops with wars in countries having nothing to do with 9-11.

Guess it's all part of the reason that Bush was perceived as the "Tough on Terror" candidate.

Very clever. I think. Must be some complex plan of his, involving reverse psychology and such...

And now for another sporadic edition of DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YOU SO:

Headline from today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Cell Phones Could Track Buying Habits."

They've lulled you into the sense of privacy and security.

Are you ready for Spam in every aisle?...

"Nice cigar!" "Like that hat." "You slide that card with such conviction."

Hmmm.

Contrary to the fact that, well, I'm writing THIS crap, I occasionally get hit on.

Or perhaps flirted with.

Or something.

Aw, the hell with it. I don't know. Just guessing.

But these are phrases I've heard from black women passing me on the street lately.

Years ago, after moving to the city and getting a bit of the "Country Wolf/City Wolf Fever," I made great efforts to date black women.

To no avail.

Well, I guess you can argue that I did in fact date a couple black women but the results were tragic. More tragic than is usually the case.

Now, well... Perhaps it's the smell of a new shampoo. I don't know. This is unprecedented

Maybe I should try club dancing again?

Now, let's not get carried away. In general, I'm more likely to impress by wearing blackface than by resorting to that cultural terrorism...

In contemplating my romantic troubles, the other day I proudly proclaimed, to myself anyway, that "I'm gonna bang SOMEBODY under the Christmas tree this year."

Quite ambitious, considering.

Of course, I do have an active sex life. And one of these days, mark my words, somebody else will be involved in it!

(Drum fill.)

Wide-eyed, empty proclamations aside, though, I think I've happened upon a wonderful title for a new Christmas carol...

Time to whip out the S&Y Psychiatrist Couch:

My condo has a fireplace.

A nice fireplace.

Since buying it with my soon-to-be-ex-wife, however, things have been... Let's just say there's been less action than John Kerry's bedroom this week.

Let's review: Fireplace. No Action. Huh?

So, to quote Stan Marsh of "South Park" fame:

"When am I gonna get to make sweet love by the fire?"

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2004:

The pop appeal of Bridget Jones,

though many share slice-of-life moans,

come from U.S. 'tude--

watch TV, slurp food--

and keeping adding meat to those bones.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. Whoop dee fuckin' doo...

The "real" Web site is up this month, but admittedly still needs work. Even "just for now it's okay" work. But that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

The City of Chicago--election -wise, bluer than my balls last month after... well, I won't get into it... Anyway, the city is planning to monitor the whereabouts of Park District workers via GPS devices hooked up to said workers.

Say what you will about "Patriot Act logic," but it certainly appears to be color-blind, on one level anyway...

Wayne Llewelyn, president of Paramount Pictures, claims the "conservative ethics of the election" hurt the recently released re-make of the old classic, "Alfie."

Well, Hollywood is Liberal Central. And they did blame NADER, of all things, for Gore's loss...

Headline.

"Iran Expected to Announce Halt to Nuclear Arms Work"

Um... No they won't. Well, they'll ANNOUNCE that, of course, but otherwise continue their admittedly clever and original, nuclear-weapon-making-themed take on the Hokey Pokey...

Happy Birthday, Sisco!

Yes, a few years back, some laughed when "Entertainment Tonight" types dubbed you the next Big Thing, but who's laughing now?

Okay. More appropriate question:

Who ISN'T laughing now--other than Sisco, of course...

Excuse this version of the "Late News Commentary," but... Well, when all the anti-French hubbub was going on because they wouldn't join our fabricated rush to the swimmingly successful Iraq War, didn't they miss re-naming a few things.

Or did anybody out there whip out a "freedom tickler"?...

By the way, those commercials... I'm NOT lovin' it.

At all.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2004:

As Ashcroft leaves, Jesus freaks mourn:

Will we face the Threat, as he warned?

Not from terrorists,

but groins, boobs and fists!

In short: Who'll protect them from PORN?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up (maybe)! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

The Big Maybe in the new standing head above means that... I'm guessing, as I type this, e-mail readers, that I should be able to upload the new (and yet to be improved) site this evening but... We'll see. If not, well, soon...

And, wouldn't you know it, it's a rather crappy day for S&Y, this being all (possibly) historic and such. You see, for Web readers who may not know (but will find out once the damn five years' of archives are up), I keep a small notebook with everything from grocery lists to so-frightening-it's-unmentionable stuff to ideas for Slappin' and Yappin'. Some days are better than others.

Really, most days are better. And more "newsy." But here's my promise: Check Daily Limerick for one week straight, and you'll be hooked.

Hooked on what? I'm not sure. But hooked...

I don't read the horoscopes. In fact, I'm fiercely anti-horoscope--newspapers could fill that space with something, er, useful, like "Slappin' and Yappin'" but NOOO. They gotta run the "journalistic" equivalent of bloodletting.

Anyway, today I caught a sentence in the top of one, perhaps because my eyes are specially attuned to certain catch phrases, that read:

"Your gonads are in overdrive."

And to think that, just the other night, I was kinda turned off by a chick mentioning her "sign" and thinking, "I've gotta get away from chicks who pay attention to their horoscopes"...

I'm such an idiot.

Just thought I'd tell you, as I've been saying it to myself a lot lately. And usually aloud.

It happens when I'm thinking about recent actions and words of mine. Specifically, those of consequence to members of the opposite sex.

I do, however, laugh when I call myself an idiot these days. In years past, when I was, well, a mess, or more of a mess than I am today, or, okay, at least a more pathetic mess than I am today or, well... You get the idea.

Anyway, it's an improvement.

So, now, I'm looking forward to the next logical improvement. Which is, I guess... Saying to myself, "I'm the village idiot"?...

You know how the major characters in "The Wizard of Oz" all want to ask the Wizard FOR something? Well, I'd like to ask him to LOSE something of mine.

And, yes, I realize there is no real "Wizard of Oz," and don't know why I'm referencing a movie that I may never have referenced before but... Well, it would make things a lot easier on me, or at least my romantic life, to lose my conscience...

I told you this wasn't the finest edition of the Slappin' and Yappin' collection...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2004:

I've one thing I just can't keep down

(and, of course, no help is around).

Too bad my Web site

suffers reverse plight--

switch them and I'd not be a clown.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! (READERS: I'm in a rush today so... Well, no it's not up.) Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Saw a reference today to a "Serious Drug Crime."

Similar to all those "serious jaywalking offenders" you hear so much about...

Okay, back to the S&Y psychiatry couch:

I'm the type of guy who, in relationships and such, doesn't play games--and I say so all the time. (Not counting, of course, games like "Deer hunter and Artemis" and "naughty intern and studly boss," of course.)

Unlike every single women I've known who makes such a statement, I actually mean it.

Well, today I was tested.

There's a dame I was sorta, kinda involved with--the ol' "Act all starry eyed then turn around and say you shouldn't get involved" trick kinda thing.

In the course of my routine, I was to run into her today and intended, way ahead of time, to ignore her. I don't know what to do. I pulled her aside at one point and tried opening my heart/using persuasion, like something out of a skewed romantic comedy, to no avail. I wrote a poem for her. I've... Like I said, the only thing left to do was the ol' reverse psychology thing--ignoring her--which seems too cliché to be real advice but, as I happen to know from experience, actually works, sometimes anyway.

One could argue that this technique IS a form of "game"--and, really, given the nature of sexual interaction, how can you strictly define one, anyway? But I view this one as on the "non-game" side of the fuzzy border because, honestly, it's best for me to mostly ignore her because... Well, we start talkin', laughin', a little flirtin' goes down and... So much the worse for my heart, in all likelihood.

One thing about the technique, though, is that it sometimes takes time to do its magic. So I have no results yet and, frankly, am at a point where I feel I should just completely move on. Oh, I've STARTED moving on, you could say. I'm not as focused on this as I was before but... For some reason, although this type of thing used to happen to me left and right not too long ago, I've been All Shook Up over this one.

Anyway, here's my late-to-get-to point: I'm not sure if I was successful. That is, I don't think I was quite as cold and mean as I thought I should be and I don't know if the ignoring was, well... Complete enough.

Details... Aw, who needs 'em. And I don't want to dwell in 'em anymore.

Point is... I'm such a softie, I couldn't even ignore her correctly. Oh, I was successful, but there were a few dents in my emotional armor at various points. Perhaps small ones, as I'm often hard on myself, but dents nonetheless.

I can just hear Linus:

Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're still the... Sloopy Biedermanist?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Dick Fowler.

AKA... Lorena Bobbitt (making my second recent nomination for the Bob Hope Memorial Date Pop Reference Award).

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2004:

If you think, since Arafat's ceased,

it changes plan for Mid-East peace.

You think, how not sure,

peace there can occur

and I'd say you've been Mid-East fleeced.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! (Maybe. I'm a little mixed-up with the whole thing.) Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

You're not gonna believe this.

I'm not sure if I yet believe this.

But it's true.

I was propositioned last night.

On stage.

By another on stage.

See, I was hosting a live music show/taping for a local Chicago cable-access thing-a-ma-jig called "The Flabby Hoffman Show."

The other party concerned was a musician I was introducing. Names will not be used to protect the... Well, to protect the "anything but innocent."

And the proposition was... Let's just say it was most certainly a proposition. An invite, if you will, to a party of carnal delights.

Right up there on stage. In front of audience and everything.

I, of course, reacted just like you'd expect me to do.

I curled up in an embryonic ball in the corner and whimpered. Metaphorically, anyway.

This type of thing isn't supposed to happen. It's just not right. Despite all my complaints about my romantic life and everything I... Well, what was I supposed to do? Mount her right then and there, up on the P.A. or something?

So my question is: As long as my life has somehow dovetailed with Bizarro World, when is something GOOD and bizarre gonna happen? Oh, you can argue that it's a good thing to be propositioned, even if you're not up for the proposition itself--it's a "feel good." A "pick me up." A compliment. But, practically speaking, it didn't add diddle to my life.

And am I ever gonna stop blushing?...

I ordered a Coke at the bar last night and, after a few sips, realized that the bartender had slipped me a Vanilla Coke.

And, really, I should've left it at that, for reputational purposes and all.

"Last night, this chick SLIPPED ME THE OL' 'VANILLA COKE.'" Nudge nudge, wink wink...

I was thinking lowly of myself last night and I proudly proclaimed (in my head to myself): "When they made me, they broke the mold!"

Except, well, they broke it on PURPOSE...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2004:

Life's lately took more than one shot at me;

perhaps had a psychic lobotomy.

But, hey, what's the harm

to lend life some charm

by living a romantic comedy?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Today is the day the damn Web site goes up.

(Realize, Web readers, that today's S&Y in part addresses my secret, "special" e-mail list, which this site derives from.)

Now, admittedly, this is a crappy edition of Slappin' and Yappin', which brings all sorts of delightful news, current events, pop culture and general idiot commentary 365 days a year. Admittedly, also, the Limerick for today kinda sucks but, hey... This is History (as long as you loosen your definition of "History" a bit).

And, new readers, there are a few Daily Limerick traditions you're gonna have to learn about, which will admittedly be easier once I get the damn archives up and all--but one of them is that Saturday editions are "Extra Cheezy Saturday Editions." The Limerick is generally "traditional" (non-news related) and the S&Y is generally stupid. Some may argue that S&Y is always stupid but... That's a topic for another day.

Which reminds me: We do run "Letters to the Idiot" when we get 'em. So bookmark the site, fire off letters and be happy your life has been, er, "enriched" by Daily Limerick!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2004:

Found guilty now: Scott Peterson.

And though Laci's not only one

killed by cheatin' hubby

it's Middle Class Clubby

trials that catch our mass attention.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! (Maybe--I'm waiting on a "DNS transfer.") Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

For Web and other new readers, just like the Big Boys, we at Daily Limerick try to publish a "special" edition on Sundays. Beefed up and nutty. Up until the election, we had a "SPECIAL 'PULL-OUT' ERECTION COVERAGE" section. There's also "SUNDAY STORY TIME" and "MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE."

Due to technical difficulties in actually getting the damn site up, today's edition might not be so special.

But things here at DL will be getting back to abnormal real soon...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Margaret Spellings (a possible Bush pick for the new Secretary of Education).

Bee-list, at best...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: To Mark (or Whatever Your Name Is/Was): Hope You're Not Dead

Whenever I'm having difficulty coming up with a topic for SUNDAY STORY TIME, I think back to that No Holds Barred Drug Experimentation phase of my life I like to call, "My First Attempt at College."

There was a guy I knew named Mark. Or something. Like many of my acquaintances at the University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana, I have no idea what his last name is/was (in fact, I'm not sure about his first name). I have no idea what town he came from. Hell, I'm not sure we'd even discussed too much beyond topics like "the best mushrooms I've ever had" or "is that legitimate 'red hair' on that bud?"

I made but a few lame attempts to keep up with my college pals after I was ousted from campus when my parents cut off my tuition money. (You're not too eager to make calls announcing your newfound non-college fate at a time like that.) On one such occasion, I was informed that Mark was in a coma after overdosing on morphine.

Now, perhaps because Mark wasn't the closest of friends, and perhaps because I was afraid to call a hospital room announcing myself as "a guy who partied balls with your now drug-comatose son"... Well, for whatever reason, I never successfully followed up on Mark's fate. And most of those college buddies I've never heard from or seen again. Almost all of them--I still have one friend I met there, who was my original, assigned dorm-mate.

Soon after the morphine/coma incident, I was telling a friend of mine about Mark and his fate. Then we threw in a Pink Floyd cassette that was new to my collection.

It began with the goofy, "hey duuude" voice of Mark: "Hey, Burl! Hope you enjoy the Floyd!" [They used to know me as Burl at U of I; long story, perhaps another Sunday.]

I'd forgotten that Mark had recorded the CD for me. Me and my cassette listening friend freaked out a bit. After a few minutes, I recalled the history of that tape and it became ever so slightly less weird.

A voice from beyond the...coma?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/14/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Spotting

It's not as easy to spot as you think.

Not all guns and drama and blood.

Not even smashed windows, most of the time.

Odds are, a detached kiss will signal the start.

Maybe you'll shrug off the suggestion again.

She'll be putting out wreaths, writing up cards

Without looking to draw you in.

You'll start coming down to find her at breakfast,

Enjoying warm food and her coffee alone.

A bruise starts to itch; you'll try not to scratch.

It then starts to spread, to words and shared gestures.

She won't make those motions you used to love.

When she'd cradle the phone and smile your way,

Or push your hair back out of your eyes.

The sex, too, will distance itself from the truth

Until you'll know, mistaking the signs.

You'll think things are mending,

That changes repair.

And maybe they can, but not with her,

And not with you. No,

It's not as easy to spot

As you need.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/14/2004:

> i feel this one more than ever.

The writer is referring to yesterday's Limerick.

Normally, I'd expect you to be good regular readers, or to at least check the archives but... Well, you're NOT good readers. And the archives aren't up yet.

So here was yesterday's Limerick:

Life's lately took more than one shot at me;

perhaps had a psychic lobotomy.

But, hey, what's the harm

to lend life some charm

by living a romantic comedy?

Hmmm.

So maybe I'm not as whacked-outta-my-skull over recent events as I thought, since here's another wahoo living under the same philosophy.

All I ask, my Slapper Yapper Grasshopper friend, is this:

If we both get sent up the river, will you be my prison bunkmate?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2004:

Now drugs meant for ADHD

(to clam normal kids, usually)

are hip, higher ed--

for tests, clear your head.

They once went with sex and drugs, gee!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! (No. Not yet.) Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

The new and improved Daily Limerick site Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

This is historic. Or something.

In order to make the Web site look more...professional, legit, whatever, I'm going to start posting these entries at around midnight. That is, you'll see the 11/16/2004 edition in a matter of mere hours, and then we'll try to stay on that schedule.

Now, given my uncertain day-to-day schedule... I'm not sure how it's gonna work. Some days, it may work best for me to post it early--say, posting the edition for Dec. 25 at around 5 p.m. Dec. 24. Sometimes, it may work better to post it the next morning or early afternoon. We'll shoot for earlier. But the point is that, 99.9 percent of the time, through the hours of the regular workday, the Daily Limerick edition's date will match the date you're living in.

Make sense?

No? Well, then perhaps then you're too confused to notice that the "content" of this particular issue sucks utter ass.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2004:

Now we're tryin' to rope in Fallujah

as this War took more than dreamed "boo-ya!"

But I'm 'fraid, five years

Iraq won't change gears--

our efforts outlasted by spooj-ya.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! (Maybe--I'm waiting on a "DNS transfer.") Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

There's all this news on about Scott Peterson lately.

In case you haven't noticed.

Now, I'm used to this sort of thing. "Trial of the Moment." (Yawn.)

But consider the following tidbits: I am going through a divorce. And... Well, hmmm. Divorce.

Ain't got more than that.

Nobody murdered. No children, unborn or otherwise. No fishing boat. No blonde massage therapist.

But STILL, he somehow seems to ooze an essence of slime-itude on all us men folk. Somehow. I don't know how. I think there's a Grand Pool of Lovin' out there--that is, a certain amount of lovin' goes down, city-wide, nationwide, worldwide (what have you), on average, each day (hour, month, etc.). During say, weekends and such, the Grand Pool of Lovin' will swell. On weekday mornings, tax day, etc., the Grand Pool of Lovin' will dry up a bit.

And I think you'd find, were you able to test this Grand Pool of which I speak, that the Pool of Lovin' has been a lot drier, at least here in America, since the whole Peterson spectacle.

So, although we're officially anti-death penalty here at DL/S&Y, why not throw principles out the window in the name of Humor: Toss another syringe o' lethal injection syrup into Scott just for draining the Pool.

Or throw a few more years onto the sentence.

I don't know.

Wow. Throwing out principles for CRAPPY humor, at that...

As I took a brief respite from my Cirque de Romatique Comedy today, I thumbed through the newspaper to find this headline:

"Beer Drinking Elephants Go On Deadly Rampage."

I'd comment more, but I'm just giddy knowing that I'm not the only one stumblin' in and out of some damn gate to Bizarro World...

Pillsbury puts out entirely too many damn coupons.

Ahem.

Who am I--Martha freakin' Stewart?

But they do. I'm a coupon kinda guy, and I know.

I'd strike this whole nugget, 'cept I noticed that Microsoft corrects a lowercasing of "Pillsbury."

And now I want a biscuit...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Thorton Fractional South High School. (Actually in the news because a mural with a background resembling the Confederate flag has caused a hubbub there.)

Nothin' like puttin' the "Fractional South" into Thorton Fractional South High School.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2004:

To counter the grey hairs and blondies

Dubya builds his cab'net upon the

fact that it's diverse

to dodge Repub curse--

for Safe Ruling, he wears a Condi.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

So security personal at Chicago's Midway Airport caught a man with a "grenade-like object."

The grenade-like object in question has not yet been identified. Other than being "grenade-like," of course.

They stopped the possible fiend in his tracks. (Or is it more appropriate to call him a "fiend-like" gentleman?)

But they lost the, er, object. Again, the "grenade-like" object. There is some speculation that the "fiend-like" gentleman somehow rid himself of the object. At a full airport. In front of a bunch of security guards.

A grenade-like object.

Speculation is all we have regarding this incident at one of the nation's largest airports.

Is anybody else feeling a "fear-like" emotion about now?...

I like to think that there are people out there who do turn their eye away from the pit of pop culture and toward finer, more elucidating works of art and entertainment.

Then I see a guy reading an Oliver North novel on the train.

An Oliver North NOVEL. Not a memoir or a nonfiction book or... A freakin' novel.

Once known as "The Great American Novel."

I gotta get away from this keyboard and do something tabloid worthy. This "busy with craft" stuff ain't cuttin' it...

Okay, okay, okay. I've went off on this before:

"Alt" weeklies have something against not only humor in comics, but apparently any sort of intellectual value whatsoever in comics.

But... "Sof' Boy," carried in the Chicago Reader (and undoubtedly in other publications nationwide and possibly beyond)... It's the stupidest, most worthless, most meaningless... It's the shittiest comic I've ever seen. My nephew's spit up a more interesting self-expression on a napkin.

People oughta rally in the streets over crap like THIS. Go to the Reader's Web site--ChicagoReader.com, HumorIsOverrated.com, whatever; I trust you can figure it out--and see it. Not right after eating or anything. And if you've been at all depressed lately, don't do it, either--it's so stupendously horrible, if I glance at it more than a second, I feel the little hope I have left for the human race evaporating through my pores.

Words cannot adequately describe the... the... I don't know. The evil of its uselessness.

We ought to be rallying in the streets over this. "Sof' Boy" is offensive.

And Archer Prewitt? Its artist? Beat him to a pulp. Break his brushes, or whatever he uses to pump out that brainless, emotionless slobber.

Ahem.

Whew.

Just hadda get that off my chest...

Within the last 24 hours:

I came to a final agreement for my divorce, which has been keeping my life in limbo; FINALLY got the damn DailyLimerick Web site up; and, well, another little thing or two that pleased me a good deal but which you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, probably wouldn't find interesting.

Nutlappers.

But anyway, I'd like to pull up the S&Y Psychiatric Couch (not to be confused with the S&Y Casting Couch) and say:

I am blossoming. Like a lovely, fragile flower.

That's not so lovely or fragile. And has been stepped on a few times.

Hell, a few dozen times.

And has been set on fire.

And had a firecracker set into its roots and lit. And been dug up, thrown in a truck, unloaded in a landfill, picked up in the mouth of a starving rabid jackal and... Ahem.

Let's just focus on the blossoming...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Mitchel Reeks.

And I'm most certain I've sat next to him on the bus.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2004:

Why, lady, you're cute as the Dickens;

I look at you--pulse starts to quicken.

But I'm most impressed

with how you've been blessed--

more legs than a bucket of chicken!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2004:

NOTE TO E-MAIL READERS: Daily Limerick is now up and running, updated daily, at www.DailyLimerick.net. I will keep you very "special" people on my very special list of those receiving it via e-mail unless you opt out (finding the Web site easier to keep up on). Otherwise, I'm keeping the fact that there even IS an e-mail list kinda secret...

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Today marks the debut of the Limerick Pick-Up Line!

Let DL know of your results in using today's Limerick and the others sure to follow.

They do let you send e-mail from prison, you know, with certain restrictions...

Gotta love those Islamo-nutball Gentlemanly Values, don't ya'?

Never, I mean NEVER behead a lady prisoner.

Common courtesy says you just blow her freakin' brains out...

Lately, in my performing/hosting style--and in S&Y, too, come to think of it--I've tried to embody a form of "punk" styling.

No, no--I don't mean I'm dressing the part of something with no substance to back it up. I'm not talking modern, Good Charlotte "punk." I'm talking the ORIGINAL deal, specifically the "fuck you" attitude toward fans and crowds.

Oh, I'm not spitting on folks in between stanzas or anything. Just an occasional "Ya' bastards," "screwtoads," etc.

And I've been thinking all along that this derived from punk.

But didn't that attitude show its face a bit earlier, in a certain publication's letters page? Namely MAD Magazine?

There ya' go. Everything should be right in your world now. Perhaps you were aghast when DL/S&Y attempted to label itself "punk," but influenced by the "Usual Gang of Idiots"?... well, cancel the Gravity Check...

Yesterday, S&Y ranted a bit about screeners at Chicago's Midway airport somehow losing track of a flyer's "grenade-like object."

Turns out there were some technical difficulties and the object was, well, boxer shorts.

This brings to the forefront quite a list of concerns and questions, of course. Like, "What have ACTUAL grenades looked like on the X-ray screens?"

But, considering, well, the way my romantic life has been going, I would have to say that MY boxer shorts are a "grenade-like object," of sorts...

Speaking of my boxer shorts, as I type this I'm wearing a "fun" pair. I have a few of those--this pair happens to have the labeled footprints/tracks of various forest animals, like raccoons, bear, white-tailed deer, etc.

Themed underwear is a strange concept, when you think about it. Oh, I suppose that people with a bit more Luck o' the Cupid on their side actually end up legitimately "expressing" themselves with it, but I, well... Only the Special people in your life end up seeing your underwear statements. Like the neighbors, when I run down for the morning paper or something...

Here's something sure to get your neighbors', er, attention:

Go down to get your newspaper in the morning with a cigar and cup of coffee while wearing boxer shorts and a Charlie Brown shirt.

Long story, naturally. But it wasn't planned.

Which perhaps makes it an even longer story...

The plus side of, shall we say, having a hideously checkered past:

Your family rarely complains about what you do with your life. As long as you're alive and lacking legal proceedings against you, they're relatively easy to impress...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

James Rabbit (owner of a Chicago suburban hooters where "peep-holin'" has been alleged).

He'd probably be multiplyin' like one, if protection hadn't been invented.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/18/2004:

In response to a mass e-mailing announcing the "up" nature of www.DailyLimerick.net:

> Cool!

Obviously hasn't actually WENT to the site yet.

And we're actually graced with TWO freakin' letters today, this one regarding the Nov. 16's re-printing of the actual news headline "Beer Drinking Elephants Go On Deadly Rampage":

> The elephants don't worry me. It's when the wine-loving jellyfish arrive

> that we're finished.

>

> (i don't know why they drink wine -- they just do)

It should go without saying, but Daily Limerick is still at the point where we print pretty much any letter we receive.

So for a limited time only, you nut-clusters have a prime opportunity here.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2004:

First thought them some terrorist plants;

grenade-like object caused fear dance

at Chi-town's Midway--

'twas boxers, now say.

So how'd 'nades look, through X-ray's glance?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2004:

NOTE TO E-MAIL READERS: Daily Limerick is now up and running, updated daily, at www.DailyLimerick.net. I will keep you very "special" people on my very special list of those receiving it via e-mail unless you opt out (finding the Web site easier to keep up on). Otherwise, I'm keeping the fact that there even IS an e-mail list kinda secret...

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Ugh.

I have five lines in a Limerick to make a (usually) political point.

Still... "Ugh" for today.

Then again, has anyone ever truly lived without getting lost in the philosophical depths of the wonder that is Limerick?...

Sharon Reed is a local news anchor in Cleveland who caused quite a hubbub by not only posing nude for a photo exhibit but in broadcasting a piece about said show in which the results of her modeling was visible.

There is, of course, hubbub from the vocal yet mentally challenged minority that sees boobs as the greatest threat to our children and our country's future. But there is also hubbub from the journalistic community.

"Ethics!" they cry.

Apparently, nudity doesn't fit in the grand local TV news tradition of "consumer scare" reports, mutually masturbatory restaurant "reviews" and intense investigative reports on just whom Nicole Kidman is boffin'...

By the way, I deserve credit for steering clear of a "boob tube" reference.

Okay. So now I don't...

Speaking of boobs, I read something today in which a columnist compared Anna Nicole Smith to Marilyn Monroe.

Stop it. Stop it now.

Although I will mention that we do tend to mythologize the stars of long ago. Although we can safely say that Marilyn's chest didn't come from some Alternate Cartoon World, who's to say she wasn't really a droolin' birth-control-brain, since the wonder of "reality" TV hadn't been invented?...

After waking up in the middle of the night two evenings in a row and snacking on refried beans and other not-a-good-idea-at-3 a.m. fare, I went out to get a bargain bag or two of chocolate from a nearby store.

I saw an aisle festooned with Christmas candy and, quite naturally, as it is not past Thanksgiving, kept looking.

But there was no other candy selection.

Now, I am technically in on the Sinister Plot...

Speaking of S&Y nuggets without satisfying cappers, I was reading the Onion recently and I slopped mustard upon its pages.

Mustard. On The Onion.

Well, I found it accidentally amusing, anyway...

In a previous life phase, I was known as "The Kinky Dolphin."

Long story. Come to think of it, it has perhaps been related in S&Y before. But not worth relating now. Something to do with an open mike I once hosted, a long poem of interrelated limericks and a funny phrase unwittingly uttered by this self-important British woman.

Anyhow, I was talking after a show with a lady acquaintance of mine when a guy from my past spotted me, approached and exclaimed, "The Kinky Dolphin!"

I'm not sure how this affected the opinion of said acquaintance.

This is as good a time as any to remind you that S&Y works kinda like a "reverse advice column"...

And you never know. Maybe New & Improved Web Site readers will be more likely to move their fingers and write in than you squatplops.

Or is one somehow altered upon becoming a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper?...

I'll fess up. Last night, I gave in to temptation.

I was lonely. And vulnerable. And especially desirous of her charms.

I had performed. Hosted a long show. After such activity, my penchant for her kind is most frisky, to begin with. And the turnout for the show was unexpectedly bleak, so the solace of her warmth glowed with exceptional strength.

I didn't even TRY to resist, frankly. In fact, I outright told myself, "I'm going to partake of her bounty!"

And, sure enough, on the way home, she proclaimed her availability to me; her ability to quench my desires.

Through bright, flashing lights, screaming:

"Clark Dog." And there's more: "Corned Beef. Italian Beef and Sausage. Shrimp..."

On a side note, that's how I got the mustard on my Onion.

If I were actually talking about my "love onion" getting' a little mustard--and isn't that about the most awkward innuendo you've heard?--well... I wouldn't be approaching it in such a manner in S&Y.

Pervert bastards.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2004:

There's hubbub o'er "Desperate Housewife"

and promo, with NFL jived.

We'll watch--bring high ratings

then turn 'round, complaing

about all the sleaze in our lives.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2004:

NOTE TO E-MAIL READERS: Daily Limerick is now up and running, updated daily, at www.DailyLimerick.net. I will keep you very "special" people on my very special list of those receiving it via e-mail unless you opt out (finding the Web site easier to keep up on). Otherwise, I'm keeping the fact that there even IS an e-mail list kinda secret...

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

TiVo, the computerized TV recording service that gained a great deal of popularity due the ease it brought in skipping over commercials, is going to start running a form of pop-up ads.

I could lament the omnipresence of marketing today, yet again, but that's become a tad cliché--although it is cliché because there's a rampaging problem involved. Yet although I know that money is most certainly a player here, I'm questioning the overall wisdom of this decision.

People have been gobbling up TiVo largely to avoid commercials. But even setting that aside, a decision has been made to institute an alternative--and that alternative is what seems to be the most hated type of marketing today.

CEO of TiVo? Is that what the Segway inventor is up to these days?...

Voicemail was created to flub up Me Kind.

Yup. Wanna turn me into a babbling fool? Well...actually, there is more than one way to do that...but one sure-fire way is to have me call a voicemail, answering machine, what have you.

Judging from the general results on the receiving end, I'm not alone in this dysfunction.

I don't have this problem when I call and reach somebody. Well, actually I do, sometimes--but it's rare. I don't have this problem speaking in person with people. Well, actually... I think you get the idea.

Maybe political debates should be held in part through voicemail.

You could... Or the moderator would... Perhaps maybe... Hmm.

But the benefits! Oh, the benefits! We would... Well, we COULD... Eeccch.

I still do not understand exactly what the entity known as a "Think Tank" does, but I have a feeling that S&Y is its polar opposite...

I have a oddly prescient (occasionally) Peanuts page-a-day cheapo desk calendar and... You know, no more splainin' for newer Web readers; there are archives up now.

Today's selection features Chuck himself kicking a soccer ball into the air. And lookin' pretty damn happy in doing it.

This is not a football, now. But it is a member of ballkind.

And, I kid you not, he looks really, really, REALLY happy.

Nothing has helped bring this one home today. Oh, I'm not whinin'; it wasn't a BAD day. But... Well, maybe the page-a-day's power has run out or something.

Which reminds me of a wise saying for you to chew on:

When life gives you peanuts... Eat 'em. What the hell?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2004:

Most news feels: "If it bleeds, it leads!"

But with newscaster Sharon Reed

who posed in the buff

found better lead stuff:

The best leads help one spill one's seed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

So now England's Prince William, prominent member of the U.K.'s biggest welfare recipient family, says that he'd like to join the military, and he'd go straight to war, and he'd even volunteer for the front line... But, well, he has royal duties.

Well, gee. If I'm a British soldier, I feel a helluva lot better, hearing a pseudo bold, questionably accurate statement from a fantasy land ruler about a make believe scenario...

Why is it so much harder to be funny on purpose as it is to be accidentally amusing?...

Just some words of, er, wisdom, or something, to carry you through your Sunday:

When there's polka in the air, it's hard to be unhappy...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Convicted murderer Demario Brooms.

Just not good enough to sweep up all of the evidence under the rug...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Mighty Mouse Lunchbox

Today's SUNDAY STORY TIME is an interactive one. Kinda like those old "Choose Your Own Adventure" books only... Well, I give you even less to go on.

Imagine your own ending to the story:

In junior high, I was a big Mighty Mouse fan. Such a fan was I, in fact, that I bought a Mighty Mouse lunchbox and carried it to school.

I was a new kid to the school system.

Junior high was the time of life.

Er... Mighty Mouse lunchbox?

I didn't even use the lunchbox for an entire year.

Imagine the possibilities.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/21/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Snow among sunspots

the entryway spake thusly:

corncobs are not bones,

care not to find thee

thinking such nonsensities.

of this went the soundless

clock, into the drink,

where it found its hands

just the right color.

the spindly weathervane

turned to the left, against

the wind. as fell the snow

among sunspots on the valley

floor. and, dancing among

the riot, were bones after all.

and they spake thusly:

nothing is as nothing does,

come one come all to the

fabulous show. pitch a tent

and pour yourself a stiff drink.

the inability to communicate

did not come off as vulgar

among the flowers. they,

as usual, remained silent,

and showed everyone up

all the burning evening.

of comings and goings there were none,

only stayings. many waited

at their plates, expecting dinner,

and kept on expecting it.

bone-white discs all shining.

fill me up fill me up fill me up.

to which the clock strangely dry

scolded the weathervane, and melted

the snow, in one spectacular gesture.

the entryway spat out the kernels

and seeds it had been saving.

of course, this is why it had waited.

its collection, now free to germinate,

blew windward, to grow yonder.

do not be sad -- it's laughter

you're hearing along the horizon.

that i had to explain the difference

troubles me. but i should expect it,

spake the corn and seeds,

and they furrowed themselves a long ditch

to lie in, sunward.

pressing the wind to their promise

of rejuvenation. a new way. one which

overfilled the plates, expanded the

soil. there is a wait -- yes,

the clock, again, into the font,

hanging prettily above the entryway.

pictures shining on the wall.

scattering seeds, more new ways.

(the vane was right this whole time)

i kissed an image in celebration.

i've realized something, spake the silence.

but it hastened to reveal its conclusions

until the next snowkept scene.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2004:

For help skipping ads, it turned fad.

Now TiVo will take pop-up ads.

The Ad Age is here!

Where WON'T they appear?

Hey--'s'that a pop-up on my nads?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

So Indiana Pacer Ron Artest kick-offed one helluva brawl involving players and spectators and all sorts of hearings and actions are going on blah blah blah.

I must admit, however, that I am a bit offended by the whole thing.

Oh, not offended in a "there oughta be a law!" kinda way. Not "tsk tsk" and and "Well I NEVER"-ing.

Actually, it's probably best not to deem me "offended," but to consider my underwear in a bunch, as they say... Well, they say it somewhere. Somebody does. 'Cause I've heard it a lot.

Usually, I throw out a gag about the news item, make light of matters no matter how serious, and leave it at that (after digressing a bit). But the best I got is Ron's making an "Artest-ic statement," so I'll get all "concerned" like good citizens are supposed to do.

Here's a professional sports league that first of all, like the National Hockey League, drags out an extended "regular" season for the purpose of eliminating something like FOUR TEAMS, thus dragging things out further with an extended (and curiously more expensive) "playoff" season. It's nothing special to make the playoffs; it makes you a dweeb team if you don't make the playoffs.

And the game itself got WAY too popular for its shorty pants--basketball players were enjoying treatment on a rare level of Celebrity Worship Gone Wrong; it was compared to the just-into-America Beatles. Now NBA stars are all buyin' hummers and flashin' diamonds and fighting at the drop of the hat... Who do they think they are? Rappers?

Well, some folks are appalled largely because professional athletes are supposed to be "role models." I won't even get into that rancid can of worms. But even if they are... It's not like they're any different than the rest of us. Road ragin', honkin' horns like bongos, demanding entertainment or conversation or whatever-the-fuck constantly regardless of where we are or who else is around.

We've become a nation of assholes.

I take great pride in showcasing in a manner befitting a much nicer body part. Or at least a somewhat nicer one.

I'm just a shlong...

Googled myself last night.

Hey, things have been rough. Mistreatment, terror, flirtation, frustration, confusion, enthrallment, rejection. (Those are my Seven Dwarves, by the way.) Why can't a guy...er... No, I Googled myself--typed my name into the Google search engine and... You get your mind out of your lap, I'll move mine.

I founnd a lot of stuff I knew about. I found out there are some prominent criminals and minor league baseball folk named John Biederman, too. And something about a JB in German, but I couldn't read it and doubt it's about me.

Evidently, a three-sentence blurb I wrote while an editorial assistant at the Los Angeles Daily News is being passed off as "critics rave!" material at Barnes & Noble's site. All my "rave" mentioned was the number of positions profiled in the book.

After Googling Daily Limerick to lamentable effect (gotta work on that), I stumbled across a "Dr. Limerick" and his "limerick o' the day," of which he proudly boasts "since 2002."

We all know how impressive THAT really is.

Hmm. Maybe I oughta go NBA on his ass...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2004:

Long ago, this young boy set forth

to live life on lit'rary course.

Hard work seems in vain

when folks on the train

read novels by... Oliver North?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

A Baylor University study has found that... People lie a lot during dating rituals.

Wow. There goes at least half of my understanding of reality.

So... Ninety-nine percent of the dating population isn't just nuts for "moonlight strolls along the beach"? Women who "don't play games" didn't just start playing them when they met you--they've been a one-woman team in the Relationship Olympics all along? Bringing up "The Boyfriend" only on the third phone conversation isn't just something they "didn't think of and didn't come up" earlier? You mean it really IS me--and not just "things going on" with her?

Wow. So trying to be honest and forthright--despite, of course, a little puffery here and there--hurts my overall chances at sweet love by the fire? I would posit that, if everybody's lying, women must assume that I am lying and mentally "downgrade" my philosophies, accomplishments and such to arrive at the "truth." Therefore, if I'm NOT lying, I'm placing myself at a disadvantage?

I guess I'll have to even adjust my favorite pick-up lines.

"Hey, babe--I've written TWO limericks a day for the past five years!"

FINALLY! I'll be beatin' 'em off with a stick.

Or, well, some sort of beatin' and some sort of stick will come into play, anyway...

An UPDATE on yesterday's NBA violence rant:

Turns out, the penalties leveled on Ron Artest for prompting a Vibe Awards show to break out during a basketball game are NOT the most severe in NBA history.

They are, however, the most serious NON-DRUG-RELATED penalties in NBA history.

It's all about creating Role Models, folks. So, kids, if you think of doing something that might be harmful to yourself, well... Number one, don't do it. But if you still feel that rebellious urge, it's better to physically harm somebody else...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Rep. Charles Obey.

Considering he's a Democrat, at this point, he has no choice, really.

And:

Lana Fertelmeister.

Use two condoms.

And:

Marilyn Blonder.

She reeks of peroxide.

And:

Gertrude Schill.

Not sure of the particulars, but I believe she works on some level for Smashmouth.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2004:

'Round Anna Nicole, hot air blows.

Compare her to Mar'lyn Monroe?

M made a splash sans

cartoonish, fake cans

or playin' a half-dead man's ho'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Yasser Arafat's nephew, Nasser al-Kidwa, blames Israel for his uncle's death.

He doesn't exactly have a theory. Or evidence. Or even enough details to make it a "hunch." In fact, he admitted that he hadn't read the records yet.

Speaking of people prone to not reading--which is entirely different from being "not prone to reading"--here in the U.S., we have Christian brand nuts.

Some survey I read of today finds that 35 percent of Americans believe in evolution and another 35 percent believe it is but "one of many theories."

MANY theories?

Well, there's the one about us arising from mold in cheese. And the one about each planet being a candy sprinkle on some grand chocolate cake. Why, everywhere you turn, there's another theory and... WHAT theorIES? Oh, there's the one about YOUR God. Interpreted literally from an allegorical tale WRITTEN THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO. Guess that counts as more than one.

It's too bad that, as long as there are going to be religious kooks, they don't realize how much they have in common. For instance, the idea of it being acceptable, and in fact preferable, to NOT read things relevant to what you expound upon is unequivocally nondenominational...

A new study by some group called Carat Insight finds that half of all TV shows are set in either New York or Los Angeles.

Again, those who fund these studiers of things: You just send ME the money--in fact, I'll only ask for half. Why, I'll throw out a little improv "study" right here and now... Wait a minute?

There are cities other than New York and L.A. in America?...

Headline:

"Malnourishment Doubles in Iraq."

Yep.

Liberating, Iraqis, ain't it?...

PDFs are stupid.

Oh, I won't even get into it.

See... Nope.

But, really, when you think about it... Uh-uh... Ahem.

They are hella-lame, though. You gotta admit...

This has been an anti-commercial!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Richard Tubb.

Obviously hasn't been liberated.

And:

Denise DeClue.

I've often been told that I really need to get her.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/24/2004:

In response to an e-mail letting him know that this site is up and running, this prominent Chicago music scene cat checks in with:

> Hey, that's cool. I am now checking your limericks daily! (smile)

>

> Cheers,

> -Arlo

Hey! He ASKED to be notified!

Notice, however, he made no mention of SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN'. Or LETTERS TO THE IDIOT, for that matter.

Daily Limerick is a bit like the Perfect Crime. Hardly anybody gets to the bottom of it.

So pat yourself on the back if you've read this far.

The BACK! Pat yourself on the BACK, ya' sicko!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2004:

Some tree-huggers feel that it's neat-a

to have Thanksgiving without meat-a.

In honor of them

let's start a new trend

and each roast a member of PETA.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Read today about the phenomenon of exploding cellular phone batteries.

Only skimmed the article, so I can't delve too deeply into the issue.

I do know, however, that, no matter how rare the occurrence is, considering the general prevalence of cell phones, this phenom is going to make my day at some point.

Hell, my week...

A guitarist for The Vines is getting out of an assault charge because he successfully scammed a judge into believing it was because of his "Asperger's Syndrome."

I'm guessing this syndrome has some sort of corporate profit angle to it and, thus, some kind of drug. (The new operative age-old question being: Which came first--the disorder or the cure?)

This on the heels of learning that Ashlee Simpson has been approached to endorse acid reflux drugs.

So, we've Disneyfied rock and drugs now. Guess sex is next...

Bush's mighty Coalition of the Brown Nosers active in Iraq is taking a hit as Saudi Arabia and Kuwait announce they are not willing to forgive Iraq's debts to them.

So, other than the Brits, we have, what, three Polish soldiers and a Bulgarian left?...

Dick D'Amico, of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, aka Only Members of Society Benefiting from "Reality" Make-Over shows, blasts a proposed Illinois tax on cosmetic surgery as an "attack on working women."

Well, we are nearing--but not yet within, you blasphemous marketing bastards, the Christmas Season. And what is more Dickensian than the plight of a woman who works her fingers to the bone and can't afford the very basics in life, like Botox and a boob job...

I guess it's time to give up on my cheapo, page-a-day, desktop Peanuts calendar having any prescient ability.

Today's entry is Sally. Arms out, open for embrace.

Ain't nothin' nowhere near resembling that happenin' to me today.

But, just in case, keep it in mind as an extenuating circumstance--you know, when they're hauling me down from the tower atop the book depository...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2004:

For most of life, on fringe I've been

so there's much pop stuff I ain't seen.

Got look yesterday

at Macy's parade--

ain't missed much--hella-lame supreme!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Traditionally, DAILY LIMERICK has engaged in only Christmas-themed limericks from the day after Thanksgiving--the only proper kick-off to the official Christmas Season, at least for anybody with the vaguest sense of all that is good and right in the world--through Christmas.

Well... That's gotten old. I've printed all the Christmas-themed ones, as a way of readying for the Season, and... That's around 170 of 'em already.

It gets rough.

So, I may throw one in here or there, but until Santa moves to Nantucket...

So, here's how my personal Holiday Season is kicking off:

Tonight marks my first appearance in this particular theater showcase, in which I will toss about some of the above-mentioned limericks.

Tomorrow morning, I sign divorce papers.

Sunday, I go cut down a Christmas tree, and, might I add, circumstances being what they are (holiday weekend and everybody out of town, Divorce-bedbug-"let's lead the fool on" combo, etc.), it looks like I'll be doing it stag.

Nonetheless, I'm lookin' forward to all of it. Well, concerning one part of it, I'm looking forward to the results, at least.

Take that, humbugs!...

It appears that a new show called "The Runway" is planned.

Wow!

"Reality." Models.

Careful, Hollywood--wouldn't want to overdose on originality...

Speaking of that shmaltz fest known as the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade and Many, Many Accompanying Non-Parade-Like Activities... Barney was rapping.

I don't think I need any other facts to make my case.

You guys are gonna have to light Bloomberg on fire--and, what the hell, have someone smoke him--to get me to tune in again...

During the Bears game yesterday, the halftime activities included a performance by Destiny's Child.

Caught a bit of the Tonight Show, and Jennifer Love Hewitt was a guest.

Call me paranoid if you will, but life itself certainly appears to just be taunting me, at this point...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2004:

Christians to Muslim friends may tease:

Heaven's sev'nty-two virgins, well, geez!

Who fetish's most scary--

image of Virg' Mary

on eBay sold half a grilled cheese!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

The big, whopping, shock-you-outta-your-knickers investigative piece blanketing all news coverage today:

There's a lot of shopping going on.

Don't understand why they just don't change the weather and comics and print the same damn newspaper year after year...

It's also the time of year where you see all those stories with "helpful" topics like "Ways to Get You in the Spirit."

It's just assumed, at this point, that we're all a bunch of humbuggin' grinches. (Which is, of course, 100 times better than BEDbuggin' grinches.)

Well, screw all ya' bastards. I'm obliviously, delusionally plowing through this season with a ho ho ho and, if I'm lucky, perhaps a ho' ho' ho' or two, as well...

The season brings to mind a question that's been puzzling me for some time:

Has anybody, I mean ANYBODY gotten any degree of "lucky" under a freakin' mistletoe since Charles Dickens was writing?

I guess at some point somebody must've gotten the good end of the Season of Giving underneath the stuff, but I've yet to witness it in the modern world.

I've bought the fresh stuff the last couple of years, too.

Nuttin'.

Interesting bit of trivia: Mistletoe is actually poisonous.

The more you know, the more sense it all makes, although it's not always exactly comforting knowledge...

Was around and about my hometown yesterday and I, in my journey to get the morning newspaper, happened upon Nantucket Road.

Now, I'm not really expecting them to ever name a street after me. But if they do, I hope somebody thinks enough to have it cross Nantucket Road at some point.

I once knew a man from that road, actually.

And my statue? Well, I want it in a turgid state.

My alma mater, by the way, is Turgid State.

I need sleep.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2004:

One page tells how not to be Grinch;

next news--shop shop shop and don't ya' flinch!

So, you can't get the Spirit?

Those two features make clear it's

'cause The Man's got your balls in a clinch.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

So Shelley Long was rushed to the hospital after an incident involving some sort of "back pills."

Her people are saying "averse reaction to medicine." The cynical celebrity media are crying, "overdose."

She was reportedly working. An appearance on a show called, he hee, "Complete Savages."

I think her people oughta relax.

Given the circumstances, even the cynical celebrity media would go easy on her over an overdose, considering...

Little background:

I'm about to reveal to you a jotting from my quasi-semi-infamous "Notebook O' Ideas," in which I scrawl notes-to-self which, among other things, become the e-flesh and blood of S&Y. And I'm not quite sure what I was intending to say here.

Okay, about that background. I am an accidental thespian. Writer since an early age who stumbled into performing and, along the way, even ended up "directing" sketches, playlettes, what-have-you.

I am working on one such production, for a holiday-themed event, now.

Again, I am "accidental." I'd even say "maverick" if I felt more manly at this point in time, as I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. My only lessons have been from bad TV. "Roll 'em." "Makeup!" "Drop and slop!"

Ahem.

But I end up given this "direction," many times, to people who have actual studied drama. Fancy book learnin' and all!

So here's my note:

"I love tellin' drama students what to do."

I have to think long and hard and uncover the subtle, underlying meaning on that one...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: An Old Flame Flashback

Riding the train from the hometown back to Chicago this week, I spied a young girl who looked an awful lot like an old girlfriend of mine, Terry.

Ah! The sweetness of memory!

How she set me to blushing when she called me "Baby Biedo!" How she gave me hickies that got me grounded! How she slept with a friend of mine before sleeping with me, although I probably could've slept with her if I weren't such a freakin' putz!

Well, enough dwelling in the past.

But, I must say, as I write this, the Flashback Girl keeps looking at me! Which can only mean... Something on my shirt, perhaps?

Yup. Sweet and sour sauce.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/28/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: What was that

We tried to keep the conversation civil,

But the laboratory bottles were upset.

Glass flasks fell and shattered.

Labeled fluids started running free of labels.

And what was our response? To spend a moment,

Silent, listening to the growing drips,

Then rushing to the sink, grabbing a sponge --

Who has the gloves? -- snap, snap, latex on,

The sound of cloth, bending down,

Sweep, shriff, shrum -- sponge on tile

(Real stone, I think -- it needs a shine).

Then back to the sink, wringing out the water

And wasted fluid, ckdckcdkc -- into the drain.

We haven't spoken of that moment since.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2004:

Thanksgiving Day--tried not to "do it"

but Leno had Jenny Love Hewitt,

football halftime riled

with Destiny's Child--

self-lovingly, I just said "screw it."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

I picked up a Christmas tree today and just set it up in the stand, as I have things to do, and am beginning tree festivities tomorrow and encouraging others to partake as rehearsals for a playlette I am putting on will be commencing as well.

Anyway, the Tree mesmerized me. Seeing it unwrapped, up in the stand, filling up a quarter of the damned living room... It was... Well, glantamerous. (That's a new word of mine. Toss it about the water cooler and such.)

I was boggled. Overcome with delight. I stared in awe at it.

It was just what I needed. Somehow.

Alright. There are a few things I could still use. But I was recharged.

Sappy, I suppose. Oooh--unintended pun.

Aw, screw you!...

S&Y has been a bit non-newsy lately.

Well, for Chrissakes. I've been signin' divorce papers and cuttin' down Christmas trees and drivin' a freakin' van around--even worse, parking that damned van.

So I've hardly been hittin' the newspapers. Ya' bastards.

Oh, sure. You can download porn at your desk, photocopy your nuts in accounting, whatever tingles your bingle on the clock and it's somehow justified. I literarily and metaphorically shine the shillelagh in the break room and it's a capital offense!

Let's move on, shall we?...

Literarily and metaphorically?...

I was at a show the other night, with none other than Danny Donuts hosting... Danny Donuts--he's had some tuneage on Doctor Demento and such.

Where were we?

Oh.

I suppose you all wonder why I've gathered you here today.

He he.

Anyway... At this show's end, the little folk-musician-haired girl invited all the performers for the evening onstage to sing that John Lennon Christmas song. The, "War is over, if you want to" song.

There, onstage with Donuts and the little folk-musician-haired girl, and that guy who looked a whole lot like Al Capone who swallowed glass onstage, I felt legitimately misty while singing those words, given current events and all.

But manly misty, of course. John Wayne after his horse dies misty.

I don't know what's worse. Me gettin' all sappy, or me comparing myself to John Wayne...

At this show the other night, the one that involved a little misty-fication, there were hot-lookin' dames in attendance. One seemed a wee bit... Randy? No, not randy. Flirty? Yeah. Mildly flirty. From a spectator stance, I mean. We didn't actually converse. Weird, I know but it happens.

And I threw out a gag about divorce. About kickin' off the holidays with a night of Christmas limericks, a day of signing divorce papers and then gettin' a Christmas tree. Ho ho ho.

There was a bit more. But, anyway, it was the only path to artistic integrity.

She cooled a bit after that.

It's the modern Scarlet Letter.

Just give me big, fake boobs and call me Demi.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2004:

I know that the Workshop o' Santa's

in cold clime--sure's hell ain't Atlanta.

But perhaps in stock

there's gift for my cock--

a babe from commercials for Fanta?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2004:

To commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY... The "Real" Website, at www.DailyLimerick.net, is now up! Seriously. Now, it's lacking the archives and, well, just about everything but DL and S&Y but... Booby steps, my Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Make that BABY steps... No, actually, keep it at "Booby steps"...

And that Launch Party to commemorate FIVE YEARS of ONE ORIGINAL LIMERICK A DAY is indeed coming soon, with its reliving of Limerick History, polka and shameless titillation of some sort. Yeah, yeah--the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but you get what you pay for, need I remind you, ya' damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

I'm ashamed of myself over these limericks sometimes, just so you know...

Many of us here in the U.S. who oft bemoan the excesses of Political Correctness are not pleased with our hyphen-happy nomenclature.

But you could be in the Ukraine, where a presidential candidate's wife goes by Kateryna Yushchecnko-Chumachenko.

Is there some point where we just can say, "C'mon"?...

I am the anti-scrooge.

Won't go into details.

But I say, "Ha, Bedbug!"

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/30/2004:

Here's a letter from a cousin of mine in the Army, replying to my recent Jennifer Love Hewitt-referencing Limerick:

>And the bears lost too!

>You're starting to get some soul man.

>What's your address now?

>Blankety Blankman

>U.S. ARMY

(Names may have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Wow. The people you hear from once you get the ol' Web mojo workin'.

But note the observation: I'm getting' soul.

Now I just need a fro and a cosmic 8-track player.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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