Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's sixth year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a half-blown attempt at a "respectable" Web site and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event, you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire this service--DO NOTHING! (Damn, I sound like an informercial.) But, I'm serious--should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, too, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have DAILY LIMERICK!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2004:

I've long gleaned that chicks don't like men

as new science clearly portends.

Soon, won't need our seed;

"man pillow" fills need

to cuddle--soon, they won't pretend.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

At a loss for nuggets to explore today, I guess I'll have to address a notation in my Frequently Lost Notebook O' Ideas concerning the Chicago City Council's proposal to ticket motorcyclists for not wearing helmets.

You see, this was a notation intended as a Limerick topic only. It's not that I separate ideas for Limericks and S&Y--and if any of you are paying minimal attention, you will notice that I'll make a Limerick out of previous S&Y topics quite often--but, occasionally, I dub a topic unworthy of exponential exploration but more than adequate for a Limerick.

In this case... Well, c'mon. How would you guess I'd feel about yet another proposal, which curiously also makes the government money (although I'm SURE it wouldn't be all about THAT), aiming to protect us from ourselves?

One version of the proposal, spearheaded by Alderman Edward Burke--oddly enough, the same Worshipper at the Feet of Big Mother who's wide-eyed and droolin' about banning smoking in the Health Havens known as bars--would extend the requirement to bicycle riders.

Now... See? Just how do I end this? I've yapped (and slapped) many times about how this type of thing will lead to, say, government-enforced three servings of vegetables a day. I've bashed Burke multiple times--even in Limerick, multiple times.

Sigh.

Perhaps they can add a provision to FORBID Segway riders from wearing helmets.

Now THAT'S what this country needs. Big Older Brother.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/1/2004:

> Oh yeah .... I guess, technically, Slappin' and Yappin' IS an evening

> "publication." Also, technically, my poetry for Mike's Accursed Verse is

> "excellent."

I guess we all have our technical difficulties.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2004:

A moron ran into a tease

and so craved to get 'tween her knees

he offered hors d'oeuvre

and worked up the nerve

to coat the bitch with Easy Cheeze.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Cheezy Saturday Question (and note the cheeze-related Limerick, tying up nicely a well-themed Extra Cheezy Saturday Edition):

Why isn't the "religion" column next to the horoscopes?

Okay, to be all P.C. and secular and crap, I'll also ask:

Why isn't the weather forecast next to the horoscopes?

But, to be honest, I'm REALLY wondering... Why do they even PRINT horoscopes, a religion column and a weather "forecast"?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2004:

Nick goes off-air three hours today

so (ha!) kids can go out and play.

Fat kids are now "victims"

and lame ploys, like Nick's one,

might help keep sleaze lawyers at bay.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Nickelodeon went off the air for three hours yesterday to, ahem, promote children going out, getting active and not watching so much TV.

Oh yeah. Three hours of video games...er, playing tag oughta de-fatten our children.

I'm sure Disney, the Family Channel and, let's be honest, MTV are grateful for the increased ratings...

My computer has 6.9 gigabytes of crap on it.

Found that out yesterday.

Like having 69 cents in the pocket, though, the Parade O' Oral Homage must take awhile to kick in or something...

I've been reading some early comics by Charles M. Schulz lately and, of course, they're packaged with some information about Schulz' life.

Did you know that there really was a "little red-haired girl" that he based the character around?

He was married. Twice, I believe. But never to the real little red-haired girl.

He never made any time with her.

You gotta figure that his real wives badgered the shit out of him over the whole thing.

"Tired tonight, huh, Sparky? I'll be if I were the little red-haired girl you'd be..." Ahem.

Ah, the tangled intertwining of one's art and real life!

Just an observation...

I once had a Vietnamese girlfriend. A little Vietnamese-haired girl, you might say.

(This would make a fine Sunday Story Time entry, if such a thing exists, but I've got a 'Nam "hunk" workin' here, so leave me alone.)

And my experiences "in 'Nam" are pretty much the same as the U.S.'--should've never went in there in the first place and, once I did, the whole foray proved unpopular among my people and, by the time I realized I was wasting my time and making an ass of myself (with much help from her), it was tough to get out, as she wouldn't take "it's over" for an answer...

I was reminded of the above-mentioned tale/gag because I dined at a Vietnamese restaurant last night.

Whenever the waitress came by, I had to stop myself from addressing her in "her tongue." Speaking of her tongue... Oh, you can predict that one.

Ahem.

I almost addressed her by pointing at my coffee with an, "uno mas," telling her the meal was "muy bien," etc.

I actually took five years of Spanish, and can converse passably but... For those who are a bit slow (and that must be a lot of you, considering, well, what you're reading), Vietnamese is not the same as Spanish.

Which is a pain in the ass.

If you guys are gonna insist on speaking a foreign language, at least decide on one, so I can impress a hot ethnic waitress now and again...

I've announced in this space before how I'm martially separated, and likely on the Train to Divorce (although that's not certain yet).

Now I find myself, when I see couples and such, thinking, of the man, "You poor bastard."

For instance, last night, a dinner party revolved around an engaged couple, many introductions centered around "...and my fiancé," and my thoughts dwelt on such comments as, oh, "why not call him your 'soon to be estranged husband, ya' bitch.'"

Great. Now I'm bitter.

I suppose it's karma or some such dreck, after being smug about having a wife and chuckling at the awkward conversation, etc. witnessed among The Dating. The poor dating masses with their expensive dinners and the hoops they must jump through to get laid and the damn condoms and... Hmmph.

I'm sure this is a temporary situation.

I hope.

I don't want to be bitter.

Bittersweet, actually, is what I am. For all the hot chicks out there who... Aw, what am I thinking. I'm addressing YOU lumberpumps...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I was reading about the "conditions" that Bush and Kerry had mediated and agreed upon for the debates, which began this week, when it occurred to me:

Both of these clods want to be President, thus holding the highest public office in the land--and in order to hear them explain why we should elect them to said position of power, THEY are giving US conditions?

And, of course, as with all things political, few Non-Pundit Americans appear to even be bothered by this.

Then again, like the political conventions, debates aren't what they used to be. I mean, it's not like we're hearing answers from those who would have the REAL power--namely, Bush/Kerry focus group leaders...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Bedbugs (or is it "Bed Bugs"?)

Last Sunday, or, technically, early Monday morning, after getting in from my flight, I had been up sicne 3 a.m. to catch said flight; dead tired and scheduled to work the next morning; fell into bed, exhausted; started itching; discovered bedbugs all over my, well, bed.

Splotches of babies and/or eggs and, of course, the regulation bedbugs.

Now, contrary to the state of my mind, my actual pad is kept pretty damn clean. Sheets are washed weekly, etc. Didn't recently leave a half-eaten pork chop in bed or anything--in fact, I don't eat in bed. Unless it's tuna, of course. The kind that doesn't come in a can. Actually, it comes next to a can but... Ahem.

Had to ship the cats out and bug-bomb the place this week.

Twice.

I think I got 'em all. But every time I see a speck... (Shudder.)

The woman at my nearby Tru Value store, where they regularly have competent people giving competent advice--as they do at Ace Hardware, just so you don't think this is a paid endorsement or something--she pulled out a bug chart, with fleas and ticks and such, and there was no bedbug on it.

I asked her if she'd seen this before. She hadn't. But she knew what to do.

Which entailed throwing out my mattress and boxspring.

Now, not only is this one of the worst times for me, financially, to buy a new mattress set, but I'm afraid to get one. Gonna wait a while to make sure the damn things don't reappear. I've checked the Web--they're actually becoming more, er, "popular," with increased globalization--and they're tough motherfuckers to get rid of, so I've become the type of person who will, until my dying day, vacuum my mattress regularly.

So, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, sleep tight.

No reason at all to finish the cliché.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/3/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Deeper down

Pass the pick-axe --

Let's chip away

The granite face

Of the world.

Deeper down:

Below the fencelines,

Below the treelines,

The humming powerlines.

Break through caverns,

Crack through gemstones,

Smash vast veins

Of unknown ore?

Lower finds

Bones and pieces,

Rotting boxes,

Coins and blades.

Below silence,

Below black pools,

Colder glitter,

Tiring droplets.

Learning questions:

Will we grow

Warmer closer

To the core?

Shhh, still panic.

We can't remember

Why we took

To our chore.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2004:

Study finds that quitting caffeine

can set you to Jonesin', quite mean.

Where's the FCC?

This dumb shit, to me

is brainless, offensive, obscene.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Today marked the second time this year that I've read about how seniors are increasingly becoming involved in online dating.

So NOW that our elders are losing it, just who in the hell are we gonna turn to for wisdom?...

I have enjoyed the comic strip "Rudy Park" since my local newspaper of choice began carrying it.

Now, however, I'm ready to protest it.

Although, I wouldn't. Because you have to have no life and be a Whack Job Deluxe to protest a comic strip. There's a law, I think.

The main and titular character is a gadget freak. And a nerd of sorts, which I can identify with.

But the recent storyline weaves wacky hi-jinx into his simply HAVING to talk with somebody on his cellular phone while driving.

Does anybody else remember that study a year or two ago that found driving while talking on a cell phone to be on a par with driving drunk, as far as accident-proneness is concerned?

Does anybody recall the Family Circus whereby Daddy, liquored beyond repair on Canadian Hunter, takes out a family of four with the ol' station wagon?

No. Hmm. I'm sure it was a real gut-buster...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Nadine Cram.

Perpetual student.

And:

Raymond Bro.

Friend of Huggy Bear's, I believe.

And:

Jerry Jender.

Popular with men AND women.

And:

Mary Nee.

This real person (all LASFNRGR are real people, by the way), no kidding aside, never married--and I suspect it was so she'd never be identified ala, "Mary Jones, nee Nee..."

And:

Cam Yeow.

You may have missed this member of James Brown's band when Brown introduced him.

And:

Bucko Realty.

Having a hard time with the former "Lavergne & Shirley" cast member market.

And:

Joseph Chapp.

-Stick in the mud.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2004:

As Election Countdown tick-tocks

Kerry's fin'ly ready to box!

Focused on stem cells;

is he crazy as hell?

Crazy--like a (Michael J.) Fox!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Some nutty contest in California offered a big ol' cash prize for the first privately built and funded craft to make it into space two times. (Two times reaching the agreed-upon elevation of "space," outside the earth's atmosphere, so that the craft would be proven worthy of exiting and re-entering said atmosphere.)

And a craft actually achieved it: SpaceShipOne.

So we may see a future generation of common space travel in which the typical airline industry, with its Boeings and Airbuses and, well, I guess United and all those are killing them selves via an overdose of corporate culture--anyway, might we see a future with a new and improved airliney-spacey industry?

Or will the current industry model just evolve? Or possibly just prove to be perfectly suited for its big, stupid needs--kinda like, oh, a shark?

Or a freakin' bedbug.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2004:

Dick Cheney's has died at least thrice

his heart's made of plastic and ice.

Saw him get debatable--

head seems inflatable--

I think we've got Franken-Vice.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Today, I read about a telephone survey done earlier in the week gauging Illinois voters' leanings for the upcoming presidential election.

Kerry is way ahead, but that wasn't too surprising, as that's been assumed for some time, which is doubly lucky because we don't get the TV ads that the "swing states" do.

Most surprising however, is that one percent of respondents answered "not sure" when asked if they viewed the Bush/Kerry debate.

On second thought, however, it is amazing that only one percent said "not sure." I know that it'd take a whole lotta Wild Turkey to get ME to sit on the phone with a surveyer...

I still have the bedbug problem. Despite Shock and Awe bug bombings.

Oh, I'm not overrun. But I occasionally see one here or there and sure as hell ain't gettin' a new mattress until they're gone for good.

So I'm gonna have a pro come in this weekend.

Last night, I smashed one of the bastards and it ripped in half. But not completely--there was a string of bug flesh connecting the two halves... And the damn thing kept on crawling!

It's been hard to explain the bedbug phenomenon with accuracy to the curious and metaphors always help.

So now I can say they're a bit like Dick Cheney...

Toys 'R' Us sells a "Little Tykes Hummer."

A kids car.

You know, to hog all the play space and run the other little kids' big wheels off the roads while talking on their Little Tykes Cell Phones...

Don't know why I'm thinking about this now, but I'll get this in writing right here:

When I die, don't give money to the scam-a-rific funeral industry.

Hold a party somewhere. Preferably a barbecue.

As far as my body? Well, I'd like to be thrown to the animals somewhere in the way-out. If that's not "allowed" or whatever, toss me into the sea. Or something.

If that seems a little dreary to ya', consider my attitude toward my own death. Which doesn't seem like such a macabre topic after dwelling on bedbugs, really...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Hoda Gouda, consul general of Egypt in Chicago.

You could say that, over at the Egyptian consul in Chicago, he's the Big Cheese.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2004:

Seniors, seeking what they "deserve"

seek mates online--'til now reserved

for youths soc'ally shoddy.

Now well-seasoned bodies

will be found in forest preserves.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Okay, after yesterday's gouda gag, you may be longing for Cheezy Saturday to come around, so here's an edition to tide you over...

Do they call newcomer guys to the porn scene, "Johnny come oftens"?...

Okay, a wee bit more is in order.

When you hear about Chicago, all you hear about is Michigan Avenue, Michigan Avenue, the Magnificent Mile, Michigan Avenue.

I prefer State Street.

And Sinatra didn't sing about Michigan Avenue.

Doesn't rhyme with "great street," of course, but it's also not as cool...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Ray Clamback.

If he's to benefit us to any degree at all, he needs to come out of his shell.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2004:

Jen McCarthy's new gigs on The Tube

she says feature her brains--not her boobs.

But I can't quite agree

'cause the "reality"

is that folks will be watching with lube.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

With all this talk of preserving the "sacred" institution of marriage (between a man and a woman, anyway), shouldn't we be addressing other relationships that are time-honored and dear?

Like, for instance, the intern/employee relationship?

Whaddaya say?

Anybody?

Godless bastards.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2004:

New forms of words, we should discern

from all throughout history we've learned.

The modern apprentice

a college has lent us?

More properly's: in-and-out-tern.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Thursday, a car bomb set off a deadly explosion inside an Egyptian hotel frequented by Jews around the same time two other blasts hit the resort sector of town.

Worry not, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, however. For Egyptian officials see "no evidence of terrorism."

Just another coolly calculated, rigorously planned, hate-inspired wacky and spontaneous teenager stunt, evidently. No need to be alarmed.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2004:

In past, men got now nookie source

until legal marriage took course.

Today, you can find

blocked-off bump-n-grind

until you are legally divorced.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

In honor of the recently departed Rodney Dangerfield, please follow that limerick in your mind with:

"I tell ya'--ooh, I tell ya'"...

And, what the hell, throw in a, "Ooh, I'll be drinkin' early; I don't get no respect"...

This is a first.

Was standing outside an art event I attended last night, puffing on a stogie, and a dame walks by and, in passing, says "cool cigar."

Which is, well, odd.

A "hit," of sorts? Quite possibly. But, for a variety of reasons, I didn't follow up on it.

"Cool cigar"?

How very strange. It was a cheap freakin' Phillies Titan...

In comic books, back when I was a shaver, anyway, there were always ads seeking delivery boys for a newspaper called Grit.

I'm sure many of you have seen the ads. But the operative question is:

Has anybody actually seen Grit? The publication? Does it exist? Or was there some scam involved. Something on the order of those "X-ray glasses."

Has anybody seen those X-ray glasses, by the way?

They didn't work.

Did they?...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

So, here facing an election whereby I'm scared shitless that Dubya might actually win, and honestly scared semi-shitless that Kerry might actually win... I guess I'll look on the bright side:

Because of the polarization of our nation, and the fact that so many find it hard to get excited about either candidate but find it easy to become consumed with hate for one candidate or the other, voter registration is WAY up.

Turns out, Democracy may have a bit of a "safety valve" feature to it. Once things spiral downward to a certain level, public apathy is curbed and... Well, I'd like to say that it "fixes itself" and we'll have an informed, active citizenry, at least for a little while.

But perhaps we'll blow that valve and continue even lower...

Read today that, since Saddam's ouster, now women are covering up with scarves and the like out of fear of Islamic Nutballism.

Formerly, they covered up out of fear of getting grabbed and raped by Saddam & Sons & Company.

Potato, quaqmire po-tah-to...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Open Mike Sneak-Out

There's a little dance I do.

Actually, it's not exactly a dance. Although it is movement-based, and considering the art that is modern dance, well, perhaps I could get grants for it.

At open mikes, usually after I perform, I sneak out.

Okay, so it's probably not the most original dance performance around.

But at this point--now having spent about 11 years hitting open mikes--I think I've earned the right.

I was good about it at first. After hosting open mikes myself, and getting a little pissed that, by the time the last performer hit the stage, there was nobody left in the audience, I would stay for the entire show.

I did that "honorable" thing for a long, long time. Didn't note too many others doing it.

But considering that 99 percent of these shows never start on time, and start late to begin with, well... When I eventually starting getting into those open-mike-foreign things called "jobs" and "responsibilities," my sense of honor was watered-down a bit.

Hence, the Open Mike Sneak-Out.

It's sweepin' the nation.

But nobody's really noticing this "sweep." Except those who go to open mikes. That is, except open mike performers.

Which is why, if an audience is what you're after, you DON'T host an open mike.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/10/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Empty view

Slicing through the waves,

Our craft is taking on water.

In the reflected sea I watch

Memories rippling, cut apart.

Losing them should make us lighter

Yet they weigh our travels down.

How much more expanse before

We submit, we wash up empty?

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2004:

For all of the month of October

rock stations will dub it "Rock-tober."

But here at DL

why, it's just as well

that we call the whole thing "Cock-tober."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

I went to a doctor's appointment today. A new lady doctor this time.

(For those of you who aren't stalker-ishly up on S&Y history, I've noted before that I prefer lady doctors. Just in case I end up raisin' the old flag, so to speak--so there's a chance doc'll "fix" it. Of course, that's never happened at the Doctor's office. The "fixin'" part, anyway.)

So before, of course, cigar-related nagging (bein' dumb enough to be truthful and all)--which I can get for free, by the way--I noted two pharmaceutical company folks come prowlin' into the waiting room.

The receptionist-ish folks just let 'em on behind the door. While I sat waiting for a half hour past my appointed time.

The reception desk was festooned with pens and bulletin boards and what-have-yous from Pfizer and Whoever-the-Fuck.

One of these legalized (and governmentally coddled) drug pushers asked, "What did you guys do with all the food last week?"

Nothin' about this came up in any of the debates so far.

But don't worry about it.

In fact, if you ARE worryin' too much about it, perhaps you should just have your doctor prescribe you something...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Businesses) for No Real Good Reason:

Stoner & Company.

When you need someone to...break in your X-Box?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2004:

In short time I was at the doctor

drug sales slimeballs--at least two--flocked there.

'Twas rather enraged

but mind was engaged

in she-doc, a' dreaming I'd cocked her.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

"National Boss' Day" is Saturday.

Hmm.

Well, at least it's a weekday. Although... Hmm, again.

Hmm, indeed.

Perhaps it somehow ties into the whole "jobless" recovery.

Judging from the friends of mine who've landed some of Bush's "new jobs," I don't think Saturday is necessarily a "day off" anymore, officially.

To be honest, perhaps it's not properly a "jobless" recovery.

Merely a "job-challenged" recovery...

Read today about an artsy-fartsy organization offering a class called, "Yoga in Polish."

If that ain't a topic for a "How to be a Stand-Up Comic" class term paper, I don't know what is...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Towns) for No Real Good Reason:

Hit, Iraq.

Could a typo have... Nah.

And:

Tracey Goes.

But she's happier in the other direction.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2004:

The final debate plays tonight--

crucial in a close pres'dent fight.

They'll fling mud and mucky

and if we're real lucky

we'll hear one or two new sound bites.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Occasionally, I stumble upon a misread when glancing quickly over the newspaper TV grid.

For instance, today, it seemed the E! channel would be playing:

"It's Good To Be... Emmanuel Lewis"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Catherine Bills.

Now, I don't know most of the folks mentioned in this feature, but this bitch just won't leave me alone.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2004:

To inform is an implied motif

of debates for Commmander-in-Chief.

But the questions are wimpy

and the answers are skimpy

so we're choosing Commander-in-Brief.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Headline about a story concerning a new computer chip that can be injected into your blood containing all of your medical records:

"Patients' Medical Chip Worries Some."

Worries just SOME?

Does this signal the future birth of the, er, "Tele-plasma-ing" industry?...

David Ellis of the Michigan Electronic Record Initiative is all in favor of this development because there is a "problem" with the medical "records situation," explaining that "so much of it is still on paper."

Why bother with computerizing when you can PROVE ORWELL TO BE A SMILY-ASS OPTIMIST?...

In the last presidential debate, one of the two clowns said something about the Bible telling us to "Love thy neighbor as you love thyself."

I don't know about you, but if I go lovin' my neighbor just like I love myself, I'll be arrested rather quickly...

Michael Jackson-related headline in today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Is the King of Pop Losing It?"

Just NOW in the process of "losing it"?

What, has somebody been itchin' to use that one anyway after a missed opportunity in 1984?...

Came up with a good analogy to the United States:

Most of the nation is bread. Tasty, satisfying, nutritious, essential bread.

The coasts? Quite obviously the crust. And the left one is gonna be conveniently "cut off" eventually, for all you picky youngsters with your peanut butter & jelly sandwiches...

I just figured out that I'm a "pro-porn activist," of sorts.

I don't think there's much need for my services. Not much convincin' needed.

But when and if you need me, I'm ready to go...

By the way: Do these pants make my balls look fat?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2004:

Going through a stupid, Goddamned divorce

would be eas'er, as matter of course

if the action did flow

'cause the ladies did know

that one were freakin' hung like a horse.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

"Teaser" headline in today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"More than one-third of amphibians threatened worldwide."

Don't look at me. I'll cop to some rather insane threats leveled at bedbugs, by I ain't got nothin' on amphibians...

Last night, I hosted this show. That's all you need to know.

Anyway, there were about 8 bands and/or solo acts.

There was only one band that I found to be, er... Lousy. Uninteresting to any degree.

And that was the one band that got a quantity of hot-looking chicks.

So if you think you really, truly suck at whatever it is you do, there's hope for ya'.

The rest of us are doomed.

Although I'm not sure I don't totally suck myself, although my chick situation doesn't bolster that idea.

What do you guys think?

Don't answer that.

Leave it to you schmucks to finally answer one of my queries en masse on this one.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/15/2004:

Regarding Wednesdays edition of S&Y:

> "It's Good To Be... Emmanuel Lewis"...

>

> Ha ha ha! I'd watch one episode of that and then kill myself. :D

So... Did Webster off himself? Or am I being hopelessly optimistic--looking for an actual, well-crafted "gag" from you knucklepumps, that is, as I don't have a problem with the guy and actually pity him because Lord knows what Michael Jackson did to him.

(And, on a side note, how did Jacko infuse so much of the recent S&Y?)

And, if there are any porn producers reading this, have you ever thought of Webby re-making those "Emannuelle" movies as... Ahem.

Forget I typed that, any porn producers reading.

And, believe it or not, we have TWO letters today. This one regards yesterday's drivel:

> Tasty, satisfying, nutritious, essential bread.

>

> Um, are you sure about Utah and Oklahoma? Perhaps those can be the jelly

> stains.

Well, Utah would definitely be some of the crunchy peanut butter, what with the nuts and all, and Oklahoma... Hmmm. Do I wanna "work" more on this metaphor?

Well, Colorado would be mixed-fruit jelly, because of all the hippies. The Dakotas, Montana and Wyoming would be "empty" spots, 'cause there's not a lot of people there. Texas, I guess, would have some lethal injection juice in the mix perhaps, but would have to be crust according to the overall concept--although, since I like New Orleans, the crust there would kinda fade out and there'd be a bit spot of yummy grape jelly and... Oklahoma?

I'm stumped.

Any suggestions?

We, S&Y and loyal Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, can be a sandwich here. We'll call it a "Sandwich to the 21st Century," or something.

Okay, enough coffee.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2004:

There once was a girlie named Gertie

who liked her men geeky and nerdy

so she needn't screw--

a strategic coo

could often get them to go spurty.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

I've previously mentioned before my possibly prescient Peanuts page-a-day calendar.

To refresh and/or re-sicken:

It's a cheap lil' job, without an actual comic strip/gag each day, but with a Schultz character engaged in some sort of activity. On the day my estranged wife moved out, one of the most gut-wrenching of my life, it featured Lucy holding the football. And I previously didn't see fit to mention here that recently, as sort of a "welcome back" to the dating world (although this incident didn't involve a proper "date," I suppose), I became semi-involved with a woman, didn't hear back from her for a while, and finally received a phone call from her that... Well, basically told me to stay away, sans details, in a tone much more snippy than I'd have thought warranted.

But what the hell do I know? (Nothing--I still haven't quite figured out what went horribly, terribly wrong.)

Anyway, on the day I received the ugly message, my page-a-day brought me Lucy with a big scowl. And, oddly, her scowl seemed to fit the tone of said woman's voice.

Readers should know that I'm a flaming skeptic, as well, but this calendar is scaring me.

Yesterday, it featured Pig Pen. A rather happy looking Pig Pen, and I did receive some good news at one point, but I wondered about the significance of the Pigmeister and... Hmmm. This is embarrassing. So, well, out with it:

I know I've dwelt in the rather ugly area of grown adults crapping their pants on rare occasions in S&Y. Copped to doing it myself. In the past, beer and/or a slight case of stomach sickness was to blame. This time, it was far, far too much coffee, stressful dealings up the ying-yang and a mostly empty stomach--plus, the non-empty part of my stomach was filled with fruit juice.

A tiny poop, really. Not a full-fledged, Depends-worthy situation. But nonetheless.

I originally assumed that Pig Pen tied into the fact that I was planning to do and laundry and vacuum (final phase, it seems, of the bedbug battle) but... Yikes.

This weekend (the cheapo calendar gives one comic for Saturday/Sunday), I find Snoopy with his dish in mouth. Which I'd like to assume means that my cats will be extra hungry or something.

But now I'm wondering if somebody's gonna try to mooch big money off me. And my mind is trodding into territory such as, "What is the symbolic significance of Snoopy to the strip and humanity's toils overall?"

Right now, I'm most looking forward to a day with a page--and there has to be one, doesn't there?--with Sally, hands clasped, hearts floating around her head.

But there's altogether too much Lucy.

And, in any event, I think it's probably best for all of us to steel ourselves for life and its Whole Lotta Lucy Goin' On.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2004:

The FCC's mission, we've learned

in battlin' likes of Howard Stern--

to bring Death Decrees

to whole industries.

Sit back and watch radio burn.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

A headline in the Chicago Sun-Times this week dubbed "Domestic Issues Kerry's Strong Point."

You've probably noted that I'm certainly no Dubya fan.

But how "lesser" can one of the evils get when defense ISN'T his strong point, despite the fact that his opponent bullshitted us into a war that's diverting all our defense resources should an actual, immediate threat to the country emerge?...

But speaking of Dubya, President Cheney and their band of retro, whack-job fascists, did you notice that, although Bush and Mr. and Mrs. Franken-Cheney got all hissy about Kerry bringing up the lesbian daughter they're keeping on a leash 'til after Nov. 2, we haven't heard a word from Mary Cheney (the lesbian in question) about the whole thing?...

And so you don't get too excited about either candidate, let's take a look at the overall governmental system that's to protect us from the terrorists:

The Transportation Security Administration, currently under the control of the "tough on terror" president, our first line of defense against the likes of suicide hijackers, just spent around $200,000 on events revolving around awards ceremonies--including the honoring of TSA employees with "lifetime achievement" honors.

Lifetime achievement awards for an organization that has been around for two years.

Or have they been able to stand watching the CABLE STATION for two years--which certainly could be worthy of honor, or something like it...or, well, something in the general honor genus...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: My Hero

An exterminator came to my place and killed the remaining bedbugs last weekend. Before I found out that the upstairs neighbor has 'em, and seemingly got 'em first... But that's another Sunday Story Time, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Actually, I hope it's not. And things now seem to be under control in the building.

But anyway, the exterminator is the titular guy of this edition. And he's totally titular, dudesicles.

(Of course, Microsoft Word doesn't recognize "dudesicle.")

Charles. Ah, Charles!

He asked about the time of a college football game that day and I ran off to get my newspaper to find him the information. Hell, I almost hugged the guy. Still trying to get a photo of 'em for the wallet. At least an address, to send 'em the late Sweetest Day gift (yeah, it's a scam holiday, but when you're gettin' some--in this case, that "some" bein' bug killin'--well, you're much more vulnerable to a scam).

Hey--chicks with security issues go for cops and firemen.

So ladies, come on over with your bedbug spray and you're in my pants.

Actually, as a chick, my pants probably wouldn't be your major goal. But I'll cook you dinner. Cuddle and crap. Give you a massage. Let you get away with nagging the pants off me.

It all comes back to the pants, I guess. And at some point, the pants are comin' off, mama.

But I'll leave 'em on 'til you do the sprayin'.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/17/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: This poem begins with a girl and ends with a murder

J. was her name -- you must have known her.

She was the girl at allll the parties.

Sometimes high, always talking,

Dressed in finery that set her apart.

She would present her hand in a flourish

So those nearby could see the sparkle

Of a bejeweled, exquisite ring

Her fiance had financed with his degree.

She was drawn to architecture

At some level, anyway. She'd ask the hosts

At every party if they had

The most recent Architectural Digest.

One night we went home together.

I drew a bath. She bathed. I watched.

I fell out of words; she kept filling the air.

And she let conversation go everywhere.

We talked of our sexual histories, of course,

And about where we felt our futures were headed.

I mentioned, good naturedly, that she was the first

Up-all-night girl I didn't find shallow.

She giggled at that, but said don't be silly.

Of course I'm shallow. Don't pretend I'm not.

What I like about you is your intensity,

Your obvious dislike at being found out.

Found out, I said, a bit taken aback.

What do you mean by that? I asked.

She just shook her head and smiled.

Are you coming in here or what?

Sex is a comical thing, all told.

Trying to get my clothes off with haste.

Knocking my damp knee into her thigh.

Spitting out water and wiping my eyes.

After our play, we lay in the bath

And let it grow cool. The smell of soapwater.

So the night wandered. Our voices were twining,

Echoing off the ceramic walls.

I was the first to shiver, so she

Stepped out and wrapped herself in a towel.

I did the same. We kissed by the mirror

And with some vanity, I watched our reflections.

We opened the door and went through the hallway

To the bedroom, where we moaned afresh.

(Much less comical in memory --

But still, it needs to be retold)

I looked down at her, sweating and silent.

She smiled at me, her eyes wavering.

I kissed her once more, turned on the TV.

Some poor fool was being murdered.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2004:

They say Colorado could inflame

recount antics making last time's look tame.

Is Divide here to say

so on Election Day

recount fights are now part of the game?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Something rather interesting occurred the other day.

I was wearing a long sleeve shirt, had showered and dressed recently (within the last couple of hours), and while typing in the home office, a pair of panties fell from my shirtsleeve and onto my desk.

There is a rational explanation. And, unfortunately, it's not that the newly-single-(albeit not quite yet officially) life is treating me well.

No, me and the bit...er, "ex" mixed our laundry, of course. I might add that 95 percent of the time I did both our damn laundry but, well, that's neither here nor elsewhere.

And yet, considering my overall "situation," this wasn't a feel good, as panties dropping from one's self will-nilly might otherwise be. No, it was a bit creepy.

Still, I wish it could've happened on the bus or something, as I could use a few points in the rep area...

Speaking of my impending divorce... Well, I've said all along that I'll keep certain details out of S&Y. It's a general rule of mine--not details about MYSELF, mind you, but about other people in my life. Now, of course, I'm sure a few snuck in about, say, my soon-to-be-(thank God)-ex-wife over the years, as they related to me, and I'll admit there is some crossover there while lamenting the fact that I've yet to receive some sort of ethics award.

Anyhow, a few vague details are in order for this nugget.

This process has been about as amicable as it could be, so far. We don't have kids or anything, and keeping things simple and "friendly" was allegedly important to both of us all along.

But concerning one of the more contention-likely aspects of this process, ex kinda lost her cool yesterday. So things may be on a personally ugly level now. Not a legally ugly one--and there's still a likelihood of avoiding that, too--but things are definitely moving along the Amicable Border in a different direction.

So... There are more details that would help with the story, but I'll forego them, I think.

My point is, though, that I just wanted to get this in writing. You see, my wife is largely Italian, and we ARE living in Chicago, and I don't know if she's been purely joking about knowing, er, "people" but... Well, here goes:

If I die or something mysteriously... Well, again, I wanted this in writing, even it is only addressed to damn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Anna Hash.

Always takes the high road.

And:

Pentagon spokesman Flex Pexaco.

So even lower level employees have followed Jesse Ventura's path to government?

And:

Stephen Scarr.

A real slice--or was, anyway.

And:

Patrick Fee.

This cat's multiplying way, way too much.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2004:

Drug Industry's hit low that's new:

a pill to help alkies eschew

more alcohol chugs.

They'll shill you a drug

to help you "stop" using them, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Ann Stupur.

For her, it's usually not half-empty nor half-full, but completely empty.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2004:

Bill O'Reilly seems so alone

though his "Factor" is quite well shown.

But co-worker's made it

a bit hard to say it

is any sort of "No SIN Zone."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

I'll tell you the advantage of having a hard-to-pronounce-at-first-glance last name.

Telemarketers are outted immediately. They generally sound not unlike Porky Pig.

So, some of you may be wondering, just how do you pronounce YOUR last name, there, Mr. Sloop?

But how do I know that you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers won't get ahold of my phone number and call for phone sex or something.

Hmmm.

Okay, my name is pronounced... Hmmm. Again.

I am talking about Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers here.

So you're outta luck.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2004:

The GOP's quick to take pride in

that Lincoln kept nation divided.

Down road, will they say

of Bush, in his day,

that he fought to keep us divided?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

One of the bonuses to being an artsy type is that you can get out of paying for gifts and make people shit. Although, I guess, you can argue that the time spent making such gifts takes time away from money-making endeavors so... Anyhow.

I made my dad a dummy newspaper page for his birthday. Inside joke and all that splat. Problem is, my printer can't handle the color or size of the finished work, and so today I traveled to Kinko's.

In the end, the guy couldn't help me.

Hooked up the ol' laptop to their printer, changed all sorts of freakin' settings and such... No luck. He gave me a pointer or two but finally shrugged, "I don't know Macs" and "I don't know what to tell ya'."

But who says customer service is dead?

He did say "sorry."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2004:

Kerry's got my vote, but I tend

when gauging their wives--won't pretend--

when choosing First Tush

I'll take Laura's Bush

over ol' Teresa's Heinz-end.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

When possible, and I am aware of it, I try to avoid harping on topics I've already touched on--which is tough, and my vigilance is imperfect, considering I've been doing this for five freaking years. Some topics, of course, you may have come to know as favored S&Y ranting points but, even with them, I try to at least latch onto new developments, etc., before revisiting them.

Quite a while back, I pointed out the lame-ity of the whole flu shot thing. Of course, babies, the elderly, those with weakened immune system, blah blah blah--they should certainly get a shot. But for the most part, it's a case of "boo hoo poor old me, can't be inconvenienced with a sniffle in the winter like every human being has done for as long as human being walked the earth, so I'll go out of my way and drive up health insurance costs even further so I don't have to feel icky-bicky at all."

Flu shot. Yeah, what we need right now is to give the terrorists a surge of confidence by showing what utter wusses we are.

And now... Well it's a PROMINENT ELECTION TOPIC. No need to focus on, oh, whether or not we have SMALL POX VACCINATIONS, or the fact that 1,000 have died in a GOVERNMENT/OIL INDUSTRY CONCOCTED WAR or that...or that... Sigh.

Flu shots. A prominent topic helping folks decide who to elect as the most powerful man in the still-(mostly)-free world.

I'd ask, "What is the world coming to?" but I already know.

Unfortunately.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2004:

A hooker with boobage quite ample

whips them out in public--guys trample.

Lets them touch the babies--

a shrewd business lady

knows profits derive from free samples.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Well, here I am, facing a Saturday S&Y edition, with nothing in my notebook.

How 'bout those Red Sox?

I am especially pulling for the Red Sox because then the Cubs will beyond a doubt have the worst "Curse."

It happens to you when you're a Chicagoan.

And I'm sure many Bostonians secretly hope the Red Sox lose, too. It's a sick mindset, I know but... Hey! I'm not even really a Cubs fan. I hate the Tribune company, remember? (That last part was a note to myself, speaking of sick mindsets.)

I must say, though, that all is at piece in the world, as the Cubbies choked, pre-playoffs, this year.

So it's up to Boston to send us into Bizarro World, if they can.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2004:

The lims that I've lately created

are mostly election related.

First thought, "Not today,"

but well, let's just say

soon that stops--we'll all be elated.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Well, well, well, if it isn't "Mother-in-Law Day."

Not that I celebrate these Hallmark-Created Monsters, but, nonetheless, there are some advantages to divorce, I suppose...

Leg warmers appear to be back "in"! Hooray!

I won't go into it, but I like leg warmers.

On chicks, of course. Sickos.

(Who'm I callin' a sicko?)

Anyway, this peccadillo is partly the fault of the movie "Flashdance," which I saw as a shaver and... Who am I tryin' to kid?

Look around you, Limerick Man!

Given your situation, save the "hoorays!" until potato sacks are in, making life a whole lot easier...

Just a thought:

Shouldn't they allow--nay, ENCOURAGE smoking in places, like some subway stations, that smell like urine?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

William Dudman.

So HE's the guy I always run into at social events.

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

John Kerry said that, should he be elected, he will create a different terror alert system.

To refresh, we currently have one that involves different colors and advice to get duct tape and plastic sheeting, which experts, and common sense, confirm to be a big, steamin' load of crap.

Kerry says he'll come up with a system that is "more thoughtful." Naturally, we're left with few details (which hurt presidential bids), but... Well, let's take a look at what the incumbent has said on the same day. Or, well, the incumbent, practically speaking:

Dick Cheney said a vote for John Kerry was like a vote for Osama bin Laden.

Should voters who are still undecided still even be ALLOWED to vote?...

By the way, the Chicago Sun-Times, which endorsed Dubya last time around, has endorsed John Kerry.

Okay, stop whining, liberals! It's the conservatives turn to allege liberal media bias, for now...

FLU SHOTS. Freakin' FLU SHOTS have become a "campaign issue."

Oh, but I won't "got there" again.

Take that, Sunday-Only reader schmucks...

By the way, there is only one more SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE section to come before this election.

If you're looking for some good news...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: That Chick With the Crazy Dream

I suppose that today's SUNDAY STORY TIME sounds like a Rat Pack song, but I don't remember the chick's name and, in fact, it might have been an acquaintance of an acquaintance whom I never in fact met but... I'm at a loss for a personal story this week, at least one that's amusing and/or interesting although, I know, that never stopped me before, but... Well, here it is:

Chick has a dream in the middle of the night that her alarm goes off. Wakes up, showers, makes breakfast for the little ones, etc., etc.

Then she looks outside and notices that it is still dark.

She looks at the clock and discovers the truth of the situation.

He he.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/24/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Addicts

She passes out when she gets home

And why wouldn't she?

A fumbled series of disappointments;

Life's come up short far too often.

So she tosses them back -- rum and coke,

Wine, watered-down whiskey, whatever --

To prove to herself that she can feel fun,

Medicating extinguished lights to sleep.

He calls her first thing in the morning

And why wouldn't he?

A half-remembered fright awoke him

And filled the silence with worries and worries.

So he dials her number, head and heart hurting,

Wondering what to say or do

When thousands of miles lay between them

And aren't about to heal them soon.

I wrote this the moment I got to work

And why wouldn't I?

There's finite phrases which I can use --

Emerging shapes submerge so quickly.

So I sit at my desk, check the list

Of tasks ahead of me and ignore them.

I could be scolded for idle hours

Constructing these sentences out of the sand.

You read this far into my poem

And why wouldn't you?

An easy distraction to hold you a moment;

It's just as simple to turn away.

You have your own sets of problems

Quite apart from mine, probably similar.

Treat this as a salve if you will,

But these are only words -- and waits.

They sit outside the club and smoke

And why wouldn't they?

Some of them will shoot up later

In the blankest part of morning.

A few will suck a pipe to glowing,

Passing tokens to each other.

A few are there to drown in music;

They are me the most of all.

We wander life to some conclusion

And why wouldn't we?

There's only a clutch of hours to clutch

And hold onto until we stop spinning.

I've heard it told from people older

That life is more, and less, than we think.

I asked them what they had to impart.

I'm still awaiting a cogent response.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2004:

All flu shots have not been delivered

which gives much of public a shiver.

Mere illness--puh-lease

there's priorities--

Viagra still flows like a river

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Quick-witted readers may note... Ahem.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers could, within the realm of possibility anyway, note that today's limerick may be arguably a tiny bit contrary to previous S&Y rantings, which in effect called the idea of flu shots largely wuss-o-matic.

Realize, however, that today's limerick was actually penned at someone's request the other night. "You know what would make a good limerick..." Like that.

Although I do agree with the general gist of Pfizer profits being placed above a health issue, even if the health issue is wuss-o-matic for 90 percent of those concerned...

It's a sign I've seen a million times, but only today did I question its relevance:

"Major credit cards accepted."

MAJOR credit cards?

Because, of course, our "conglomeratization ain't no danger to the American Dream, no sure" business climate has inundated us with "minor," mom-n-pop credit cards, like "Ed's Credit," "Manny's Charge-O-Rific Wonder Card"...

Halloween brings some delightful candy bargains and, despite the fact that I don't expect trick-or-treaters in my building, I always purchase some of the value-priced candy in October.

Bought a gigantic sack with a variety of Wonka offerings, for instance.

I hauled said stash of candy along to a friend's last Saturday night to share for the Risk game.

Yeah, you got that right. Saturday night. Newly single guy (for all intents and purposes). Risk.

Make fun as you will. Good grief.

I was carrying the trove o' treats in my omnipresent shoulder bag, which made said bag a tad unwieldy. And the Wonka flopped out on the train platform in front of some hot chicks.

Let's just say that, regarding whether or not candy can lure a woman into your most intimate fantasies, the results are inconclusive at best...

And why shouldn't I be bemoaning my sex life? Or lack thereof? Oh, let's face it--the lack thereof it is.

I'm technically still married. Going through divorce, and thus a high-risk "rebound dater." Don't make a lot of cash to begin with and am technically fucked even more on that level for the near-to-mid future, due to the nature of these things. Have written a limerick a day for five years. Actually call myself a "poet" on occasion. And I still have final stage of bedbugs.

For that matter, I don't even have a bed now, thanks to the aforementioned bastard insects.

Why ain't I beating the ladies off with a stick?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Hilary Momberger.

Sort of Evil Oedipal, in a reverse kinda way...or something.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2004:

We're low on those shots for the flu

but no one's sure what we can do.

Here's thought just as scary

while those in power tarry--

you ready? Well, here it comes... Boo!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Now today's Limerick hits a little closer to how I REALLY feel about the "flu shot crisis"...

"I Know What You Did Last Summer" is now showing on the Family Channel.

After all, despite the Generation Gap, dad and the boys can all agree on a good, Jennifer Love Hewitt shower scene...

A woman I know told me the other night, after I had engaged in a poetry slam competition (and lost, but made the final round), that I resembled some cartoon character--but not Charlie Brown. (I had performed a poem as the Chuckster, wearing The Shirt and all.)

I suppose it's good to know that my head isn't as round as a basketball.

But today I was given the answer: Popeye.

Not sure what to make of that.

But, at this rate, my forearms will be lookin' similar pretty soon...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Charlene Boguess.

Totally.

And:

Abigail Pouncey.

Now, I have NOT dated this one--but it's starting to sound like an okay option right about now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2004:

Why's Ashlee Simpson's lip-sync "error"

surprising--why's public compare her

to a real musician?

Like most feel Bush mission--

Iraqi oil fishin'--

somehow relates to War on Terror.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Clear Channel Fuhrer John Hogan has went out on a limb, some say, by saying that annoying and/or poor commercials are ruining radio and, more importantly, it's insane, executive-feeding-frenzy profits.

Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that, oh, there are basically three different play lists nationwide, now, would it?...

The "Bachelor" is still on.

Shocked me. But I noticed it on my newspaper TV grid today.

So, could I have missed the story on all its happy marriages, too?...

I get on the bus today, after work, coming from the grocery store and, as is my grocery-getting habit, am carrying about five plastic bags of groceries. With my flexible schedule, I'm able to do this during non-rush hour, so it usually goes smoothly.

Not today.

A knucklehead in front of me has no money on his bus card, starts arguing with the bus driver, trying it again and again, etc. Common courtesy being SOOOO last century, he doesn't think to step aside for the guy with all the groceries. Soon, one of my bags breaks and one guy--a mere ONE GUY--helps me to pick up the spillage.

Eventually, the Fare Card Tard moves on, I put in my card, proceed to the back of the bus, and the bus driver guns it long before I sit down, causing more spillage of sundries.

The one guy who helps me then says a word or two to me. I can't make out exactly what he says, but nod and kinda smile, trying to be nice to the one decent human being on the bus.

Soon, I make out some of what he is saying.

The revelation that soon hit me is... Well, prepare to be frightened:

You have to be a loony who talks to himself in this day and age to exhibit common courtesy, evidently...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Seanna Willing.

Haven't dated her any time recently--and probably won't be soon, by the looks of things.

And:

Linda Fowells.

If its her pants, this is more my speed about now.

And:

Irene Metelica.

Knew her back when she was cool and vintage, dude.

And:

Lynn Wool.

Flashed before my eyes, leading to a lot of the shit that's now whackin' everything out of function in my life.

Huh?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2004:

Is pop culture now too far gone?

O'er anything TV we fawn!

There's still hope, some say,

some good stuff today.

I counter: "The Bachelor's" still on!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Damn.

Red Sox won.

Suddenly, I'm a bit more worried about the Nader vote...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2004:

The Red Sox are now the world champs

(watch for the commem'rative stamps).

Historic, and shit,

but there's more to it:

Cubs are now, hand-downs, most Cursed scamps.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Grocery stores are the headquarters of the "Fuck Common Courtesy" movement so prevalent in our society.

No "stay to the right side of the aisle" to preserve general order--and it's not as if I'm seeing an influx of Europeans. It's chaos--just plow down the aisle to the right, left, center-right, diagonally--whatever mood strikes ya'. Screw leaving space for others! It's even worse among the old people, who've evidently "done their time" and should now expect the world to deal with their silliest whims, all while bearing a smile and considering thanking them!

Makes one want to thump more than the melons...

Just a question:

Since the whole gratuity thing has spun into a nutty free-for-all of confusion, does anybody know if I'm supposed to tip the exterminator?

That could explain some things...

Anyway, I've lost a little love for the previous exterminator, Charles, whom I effused praise upon in this space before.

Manny is now The Man. HE, and only he, pulled up carpets, completely combed the place, etc., and now it looks like I will finally be bedbug free very, very soon. He's spraying for the "final just-to-be-sure" installment as I type! (This whole thing has done wonders for my schedule, as you can imagine.)

Not to diss Charles, of course. We've been through so much together, and a part of me will always love him...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2004:

I know a young dame named Kathleen

attracted, to me, she does lean,

yet holds off goin' bolder

'cause I'm a bit older

yet hope exists we'll get obscene.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

The DL/S&Y Extra Cheezy Saturdays Limerick Dept. is now proud to announce--or perhaps ashamed to announce (there's a fine line around here, believe it or not:

Semi-Autobiographical limericks! (With today's entry.)

'Cause, Lord knows, what I need in my life right now is more Trouble!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Mary Fetta.

C'mon--it's Extra Cheezy Saturday; do I really need a pun on this one?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2004:

It's Halloween! Day should be scary.

But this year, the thrills and chills tarry

'til Tuesday, when scares

come as we're aware

if we'll be screwed by Bush or Kerry.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2004:

Five Years. One Original Limerick a Day. React to that as you will...

A "real" Web site will soon kick-start celebration--including a Launch Party, reliving of Limerick History, polka and at least one babe in heels and bikini (I've swung it before). I know the actual anniversary was July 12, 2004, but keep your clothes peeled for www.DailyLimerick.net, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Happy 'Ween!...

I was having a conversation with my exterminator the other day and... See, me and him have actually become quite close, which if frightening, I know--but I think the bugs are now fully under control. I just have to become an Bedbug Prevention Activist at the next condo association meeting to make sure they're out of the building overall, and even that goal is partially underway already.

Ahem.

Anyway, we engaged the fairly common debate, although in this case there was little debate, as to whether or not Lilly Munster is, indeed, hot. The Munsters are SUPPOSED to be scary, other than Marilyn, of course, who is supposed to provide the Pulchritudinous Relief factor.

But, again, Manny and I both maintain that Lilly is hot.

Now, enough with the serious issues. Time for something utterly ridiculous...

By the way, it's so... Well, almost magical, all the things Manny and I share...

LAST SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE... FOR A LONG TIME... THANK GOD...

According to a survey, 57 percent of Kerry supporters will be "upset" if Bush wins while 50 percent of Bush supporters will feel the same if Kerry wins.

It's just a silly little contest to determine who runs the world's only superpower. Nothing to get too excited about, evidently...

Has anybody noticed that, pre-Iraq Mess, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was dubbed a terrorist, but hadn't proven to be a U.S. threat, and now after we attacked Iraq, and U.S. forces are there, he's attacking U.S. forces, and is now a terrorist and... Well.

So, one could argue that the Iraq Mess MADE al-Zarqawi a U.S.-targeting terrorist. And now President Cheney...er, President Bush can say, in a roundabout way, that, "See--Iraq was a threat all along, with that Zarqawi cat and all!"

As they say, all's well that Orwells...

Nader has taken Republican money.

Now, the Libertarian party is trying to make deals with Dems in swing states.

Nader folk, although they won't exactly admit it, want to fuck with Kerry's chances of winning. They're selling "Spoiler" T-shirts on his Web site, for Elvis' sake!

Libertarians now actually admit they want to help defeat Bush.

Now, Libertarians are seen as the "Extreme Right," although I don't think it's that simple. Just as Naderites are seen as being "Extreme Left," but it's not that simple, either.

Now, while I spent most of this SPECIAL section's early history de-endorsing everybody, it's obviously turned into a mostly anti-Bush section because... Practically speaking, S&Y's gotta vote for whoever has the best chance of ousting Dubya.

But, I can also see the argument that we're just gonna be screwed in a different position by the Man--although it'll be a kinder, gentler rape under Kerry, in my opinion. So I can't, deep down, fault somebody for voting his conscience, for a third party, because I know I'm not voting for Kerry myself. I'm voting against Bush.

Nader is arguably taking a "practical" approach--fucking up elections to show, "The Dems really aren't much of an alternative, and until they really become one, folks like me'll continue fucking 'em up." And the Libertarians are doing a similar thing--in defense of true conservatives, who do have some intelligent arguments, Bush is NOT really a conservative. Small government? Think Patriot Act. Largely staying out of international affairs that don't directly concern us? Think Iraq. Economy first to allegedly benefit all in the long run? Think record deficits and near-record job losses over his term.

You do, however, have to take a serious look at our overall system when the alleged "Extremists" are both taking a practical approach to their long-term goals, in the same way, for an election...

Speaking of horrendous failures endorsed by both major political parties, there was a major bust this week at Chicago's Midway Airport that exposed the fact that our overall anti-terror computer, etc. system can be infiltrated by criminals, and rather deeply, much more easily than we'd thought or hoped.

Well, I'm still against the hopeless War on Drug Users, but at least I've finally been given a practical reason for it: As a test run, of sorts, for a real threat known as the War on Terror...

In any event, to close a year's worth of this SPECIAL section, I urge you all to go out and vote. For somebody. Exercise that right--the core reason we're all getting screwed, and some feel "hopeless" over the system to begin with, is because we live in a Democracy and less than 50 percent of those thus in charge--that being all of us--show up to "work." And that's on a GOOD election.

Doesn't matter whom you vote for, as long as you do it. Bush, Kerry, Nader, the Libertarian What's-His-Face, Alfred E. Neuman, John "Sloop" Biederman...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: "Gang-bangers"

I never heard the term "gang-banger" used to refer to a gang member until I was in rehab--before that, I knew it as the sexual term and, frankly, think the world was a slightly better place with it carrying only that meaning--after all, couldn't they have come up with something other than a simple, lazy rhyme to colloquialize gang members?

Wow. That SUNDAY STORY TIME would make a hell of an icebreaker.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/31/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Chasm

Sunlit chasms in the road.

Many don't see them -- just a street,

Just a street, they say. And I ask them

Why they have to repeat. And they say

It's just a street.

Not likely. I can see where I'm going,

And once at the edge, where but off?

Do not mistake this as self-destruction

Or self-loathing. Mistake it as art,

I tell them.

Of course, the "them" needs explanation.

But I'd rather you imagine your own circle

Of concerned faces, incestuous networks

Of love and light, life and

Waste.

That last word was too succinct.

It casts this is a bitter mood,

But really, how much have they watched

If they can drive down the street

Without seeing chasms?

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

Keep an eye out for www.DailyLimerick.net--but visit SLOOP CENTRAL at http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49 if you just can't wait...

***

On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things post-graduation--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John "Sloop" Biederman) landed a gig writing "News Limericks" for the Chicago Tribune's new, "hip," youth-demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL--as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year--but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list "cock" and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for honey jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003--which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think?--well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that "The Great Colon Cockling of 2003" rolls off the tongue nicely?

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.