Daily Limerick
Archives: September 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

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***

DAILY LIMERICK 9/1/2004:

The GOP Con is the bearer

of news that "Bush is tough on terror."

Well, that's fine and good

but moot, 'less he would

be tough on intelligence error!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/1/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

It's time for my annual autumn gift to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! So, without further ado (that comes after), from me, to you, enjoy the shared experience of annoyance:

"September morn... We danced until the night became a brand new day"...

At first glance this seems like something for Sunday's SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE, but Muqtada al-Sadr changes his mind more than a bride-to-be at a wedding registry, so it might not be relevant by then.

Anyway, my first thought when I read that al-Sadr had called a truce in the Najaf fighting was, "Awww. At least keep it up long enough to help get Bush out of office!"

Then I thought about how al-Sadr's continuing mischief could mean more American lives lost.

But then I thought about how Bush's continuing mischief would most certainly mean more American lives.

What's that they say about first impressions?...

"See Inside"-type headline on today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"The Next Big Thing in Pizza: Fruit."

Did you notice that we're talking about a CHICAGO newspaper?

Unless they're saying that gays are really getting into pizza, in a rather not-so-nice way, well, I think an investigation is in order...

Speaking of places where blasphemous fruit on a pizza might seem normal, the New York Yankees lost yesterday by a record 22-0!

I'm takin' my "feel goods" wherever I can get 'em these days...

I saw somebody this morning who was the spitting image of Howard Stern!

Then I noticed the breasts.

That's not a good thing. For Howard. For her. For me. For... For anybody that has to witness her, really...

Now I also happened too witness a chickie who looked absolutely nothing like Stern this morning.

And this brings to mind a question for readers. (Yeah right.) Especially chick readers. I didn't mean to utter this but, well... Is muttering "Good God in Heaven" on the same level as "nice cans"?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Mary Fons.

Heeeeey.

And:

Steve Gutterman.

I believe he was on my junior high bowling team.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/2/2004:

First, journalists couldn't help mention

what wastes of times were these conventions.

But since we agree--

people and TV--

they've changed their tune for job retention!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/2/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

This week, current Illinois Senate Candidate, Prominent Whack-Job and Perpetual Presidential Candidate Alan Keyes launched into a tirade against gays, calling the indulgence of one's God-given homosexuality "selfish hedonism."

Now pay attention here. Keyes speaks for a sizeable portion of the anti-gay nutrods.

"Hedonism" is defined by my Microsoft Word dictionary as "a devotion, especially a self-indulgent one, to pleasure and happiness as a way of life."

Now, this brings up the little question of what religious kooks have against pleasure, but that's a different topic altogether.

So, Keyes is really saying that indulging homosexuality is selfish, I guess because God will punish us all equally or whatever over it (not sure how his Fantasy Land works), and "selfish" implies doing something for one's self, and since he is calling homosexuality essentially pleasurable... I guess he's just showing us this truth:

The strongest homophobia comes from those with the attitude, "Sure, we all wanna take that hot, hot paper boy with the broad shoulders and the... Ahem. But indulging such urges would be selfish and God wouldn't like it."

Uh, Alan. We all don't want to take the paper boy.

So perhaps homophobia is often just a gladiator film away from out-of-the-closet...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

James C. Craven III, lawyer defending that long-time U.S. North Korean defector guy.

Now, let's not necessarily place the sins of he client on his attorney.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/3/2004:

A man who found real dames too tough

"got" Internet ones, on his duff.

'Til one day he bumped

real flesh on real rump

and he said, "E-muff is e-muff!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/3/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I'm gonna go on and call this another Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' first!

First what? (You may ask?) Well, you'll see:

In honor of Organized Labor, and to assuage the fact that I'm about to face one of the most emotionally gut-wrenching weekends of all time... The typical weekend Cheeziness is starting NOW!

In fact, it's so darn Cheezy... I'm just gonna leave it at that! The first actual No Content S&Y!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/4/2004:

A poor, small-pricked loser named Skinner

did find a few perks havin' a pinner.

He stuck his wee dick in

some barbecued chicken--

got second-hand blown like a winner.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/4/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Okay, what I want to know is this:

Who is this Sanchez guy that's behind the "Dirty Sanchez." How did this happen?

What good is A&E's Biography if these questions go unanswered anyway?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/5/2004:

Since Alan Keyes leapt back on scene

GOP's put distance between

platform and Keyes rants

near shittin' their pants

'cause least Keyes SAYS what they all mean.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/5/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I have a Peanuts day-to-day desk calendar. It was a Christmas gift, and a bit sub-par at that, as it doesn't have a daily comic strip--instead, it has a simple cartoon of an individual Peanuts character to start out every day.

Now, yesterday was not among the greatest days of my life. I was helping with a move--pretty much taking it out of the Greatest Days contention to begin with--and, to boot, despite having a near-record-cool summer here in Chicago, yesterday was hot and humid.

Compound this with the fact that the move I was participating in was that of my now-estranged wife (I guess that term applies), to another nearby apartment, as we're separated and, well, duh, now it's a pure kinda separated, as we'd been "separate but living together" for a couple of months.

Anyway, the moving was chaos, my (estranged) wife did little in the way of preparation and it wasn't until almost 8 p.m. that I actually finished my morning chores and one is ripping a page off my desk calendar and seeing what the day holds, Peanut-wise.

It's Lucy. Setting up the ol' football...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I must say, right off the bat, as a critic of our mostly naïve, bong-addled legions of half-assed, obey-the-protest "rules" protesters, that I was impressed by the performance at the Republican National Commercial this week.

There may be hope for Civil Disobedience yet. At least until the next generation of cell phones brings even cooler video games...

I actually watched most of Bush's speech.

Afterward, I read and heard all sorts of commentary. How he didn't name Osama bin Laden. How he garnered fear. How he bashed Kerry at least as much as he shamelessly pumped up himself. Made a bunch of vague campaign promises. Etc.

But I happened to see, on at least two occasions, protester(s) rushing the stage. Which I found rather amazing. Did they come in disguised as Republicans? Did they break in? It seemed that something about that would be a good "news peg." And I haven't seen nor heard anything about them.

But what do I know? I don't earn the big bucks for tellin' people they should do an about face and really pay attention to the conventions...

I actually attended Chicago's 1996 Democratic National Commercial, through involvement in my college newspaper. It was around that point that the journalistic trend was to call them meaningless publicity stunts, unlike the contentious and often exciting national party conventions of years past.

Apparently, those observations helped convince a whole lot of people that the conventions are in fact vapid pap (although most people don't need a lot of convincing to ignore politics). The only folks paying attention appear to be journalists and even TV stations are shying away from showing them.

So, of course, the next logical step became journalists and pundits crying foul about TV stations not covering these "important" events while also chastising the public for not caring about what they worked so hard to keep us from caring about.

So, what IS the smell of a job cut, there, pundits?...

I'm sure this isn't the only example of this type of things happening, but I read about how the show "Naked Boys Singing" had been "paused" on Broadway so as not to perturb attendees of the Republican National Commercial.

Continuing the trend, led by the Bush Admin and Bloomberg's New York (and, let's face it, the Dems aren't exactly up-in-arms over it) of celebrating liberty by revoking it...

Earlier this week, I pondered the anti-gay remarks (calling it "selfish hedonism") of current Illinois Senate aspirant, Prominent Whack-Job and Perpetual Presidential Candidate Alan Keyes (touché, damn Sunday-only subscribers!).

But upon further thought, I have to give him credit.

And least he SAYS where he stands on gays.

"Just defending marriage," my ass, mainstream GOP.

Thanks, Alan, for the rare political candor...

And, of course, in order to show a sense of objectivity about things, it's time to bash the Democrats.

John Edwards showed what a moron he is this week by doing a couple of things in the course of bashing statements by George Bush.

Number One, he criticized Bush for saying the War on Terror couldn't be won. Of course, Dubya turned around and doubly confirmed that he is also a moron by trying to half-retract the statement, but Johnny, here's a question for you:

So, you're saying we can take some sort of action that will ensure that nobody will ever, ever again target civilians as a way of attacking a nation? We can do something to ensure that suicide bombings will go the way of blood-letting (which, by the way, hasn't gone away in the entire world either)?

Don't expect the "alternative" party to lend any common sense to the War on (allegedly "diseased") Drug Users, either...

Number Two, Edwards, in intelligently pointing out that Bush's little Iraq Quagmire has actually made us more vulnerable--bomb from North Korea? Deal with it California, we're stretched over here still lookin' for WMDs--just had to go and add something butt-headed to the statement by lumping the Afghan War in with it.

Uh, Johnny? Afghanistan = indisputable 9-11 connection. Iraq = let's not get into this any more...

Kitty Kelly is coming out with a book on the Bushes.

Expect it to have the same (ahem) "commitment" to fact and journalistic integrity as Michael Moore's work.

You see, it only started with politics. Now, we're also choosing to seek entertainment and or infotainment from, so to speak, the lesser of two hacks...

Speaking of morons, would you protester types stop referring to the "evil deeds" of "The Bushes."

The first Bush might not have been the greatest, but he didn't have his cock up the ass of the Religious Right. He was at least mostly moderate.

I know, I know, your hero's Michael Moore, and HE doesn't let pesky facts get in the way when making a point, but still...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: "Rock Me"

It all started with hearing some of my favorite Chicago radio personalities make fun of stereotypical DJs. And, of course, as long as they were hitting DJs, they went where the fun-making gold was with the '70s-stuck, "classic rock" types.

I used such a tactic for an answering machine message once. Friends found it so delightful that I found myself "talking up" classic rock tunes at parties.

Now, I can't stop sayin' "rock me." In my head, mostly, thankfully, but still. Hot-lookin' babe? "Rock me." (Note that it works best without the exclamation point--a cool, collected, relaxed "rock me.") Something good happens, say, the bus comes right away in the morning? "Oh, the bus! Rock me." Sometimes, even when something bad happens, like the bus passes me up for some reason: "Aw... Fuckin' bus. Rock me."

There you have it. Yeeeah. Don't have to be old to be a classic.

Rock me.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/5/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Mikey

Candle-crashed

The glass is candle-crashed;

Flames flitting the tips

Of glittering dark coins and candies.

Only they are neither --

They are tinted glass pieces

Arrayed (obscenely) gently about,

The flames are really sunlight

Leaking through the smashed window.

My hands are shaking, finely gashed,

Just a few red specks. I let go

Of the steering wheel, unbuckle

And stand up. The sideways orientation

Through the windshield is surreal,

As are the voices, faces. Hands

Try to work open the doors.

One passes me a phone.

I try to push my way out.

I try to force the van upright

By splaying my hand on the pavement

Through the window hole, straining

With absolute force. To obvious ends.

When the police arrive, they tell me

To climb out the back. I somehow

Remember to collect my papers.

I start piecing together the scene,

Shaking, sitting hard on the curb:

An interchangeable array of faces --

Two cops, a paramedic, a curious crowd

Being dispersed, a third driver

Involved. I make my call

And hand back the phone.

As the van is winched up,

Landing heavily on all four wheels,

The tow truck operator sweeps up

The debris -- lenses, glass, paint chips,

Fluids. The flares are put out,

And traffic begins erasing the event,

Traveling over the spaces where the van

Flipped a mere 30 minutes before.

The memory, and the paperwork,

The insurance phone calls,

The ER bill. The smashed wreck

In the driveway. These are

What remain.

I worried about

Whether the CD

I had been playing

Had survived.

It had not.

The matrix was cracked,

The songs candle-crashed.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/6/2004:

Bush wishes us, in his own way

the happiest of Labor Days.

Planned the gift all year

so, by now, it's here:

Enjoy cuts in overtime pay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/6/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Hymen Cabin.

The namesake of R. Kelly's getaway house?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/7/2004:

Scientists at NASA and Boeing

hope seeds of flying cars they're sowing.

But, 'fore you work tireless,

first de-invent wireless

phones so folks will watch where they're going.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/7/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

How about "Law & Order: SUV"?

Cell phone vehicular manslaughter? Road Rage? City pedestrians run over AFTER CAREFULLY LOOKING BOTH WAYS AND FOLLOWING THE LIGHTS because SOME MOTHER FUCKER THINKS HE'S/SHE'S BEEN APPOINTED GOD OF THE ROAD in their TERRORIST-FEEDING GAS PISSERS?

Ahem. Don't ask me to whip up a script, though. As they say, ahem, write what you know...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Joe Schwingen.

His posture's a bit wood-en.

And:

Darlene Superville.

I think she grew up around some now-famous people, but I Kent put my finger on any of 'em.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/8/2004:

I know folks contending for Pres--

and those prom'nant, homo or lez.

But I wish I knew

guy's whose name had grew

for launching the Dirty Sanchez.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/8/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

In case you haven't been paying attention, I'm going through a marital separation right now.

The strangest thing about it is that the whole process has been accompanied, in my mind, with The Doors.

When my wife was moving out, and I was helping, being the schmuck that I am, the song "The End" was going through my head.

The other night, before an open mike I frequent began, the music of choice entailed Doors fare such as "Summer's Almost Gone." And, of course, this has been a crap summer for me. Skirts and strappy sandals are about to be put away, and the turn-on they provide has not been assuaged by sex this season.

I guess I have not witty point to all of this.

But I can take the opportunity to remind you of my assertion that The Doors still rock, even if they aren't making things any easier for me...

Speaking of going through the hell of divorce/separation, experts say that you can't "make up" sleep.

That is, if you're running on three hours/night for months, a couple instances of 8-10 hours don't mean a damn thing.

So, I guess, if you pull a few all-nighters, you'll just always be tired. Forever. No turning back.

Which, I suppose, guarantees that sitcom writers have career security.

And I haven't even re-hooked-up my freakin' TV yet.

And as long as none of this makes sense, let me tell you about a frog I know who collects bottle caps.

Huh?

The End.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/9/2004:

Election year antics sure bite it

and neither guy gets me excited

but what I can't stand

is fate in the hands

of boneheads who're still undecided.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/9/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Somehow or other, the Chicago Sun-Times did not, I repeat: did not...run "Ziggy" today.

Just kickin' back, waitin' for the annoying beanie baby collector-type's shit to hit the fan at this point...

And if that ain't enough consternation for one mere mortal man in a day, I spied a guy in a "Family Guy" T-shirt.

Now, it's one thing to watch "Family Guy." And quite another to... Hold on a minute here. Gonna drop a book... Hmm.

Well, gravity still appears to be workin'...

McDonald's is planning a "Girls of McDonald's" pictorial.

Something tells me some super sizing will be happening. Well, probably has already happened.

I need to leave well enough alone. Perhaps when S&Y reaches the quality level of "well enough."

But there's a limerick in this news item, just you wait and see...

Okay, I'll admit it: I stole the gravity joke from "The Jeffersons"...

Unknown plays me.

99.9999 percent of the notes I write to myself make perfect sense. They're often just phrases and often written in "code to self."

I don't know what this meant.

Live it. Learn it. Rock it.

Then tell me about it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/10/2004:

Odd McD's & Playboy news nugget:

Nude McD chicks for cam will mug it.

I've hunch fast food dames

will spur a new game

that I'll call the Chicken McTug-It.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/10/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I'm going out tonight, and I happen to have 69 cents in my pocket.

Not on purpose. As a rule, I spend my change as things purchased with cash warrant and thus rarely have more than 99 cents in my pocket. The number constantly varies. And it's now 69 cents.

Which should be lucky. Very lucky.

It has, of course, happened before. And I can't recall ever getting luck from it. Although who's to say that a grand piano didn't fall five minutes after I crossed its path because of the amount.

So, there you have it.

In any event, I have my rapper name, should circumstances ever warrant one...

The "Unknown Soldier" has an oft-repeated refrain that goes, in part, "It's all over."

Damn Doors.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/11/2004:

In autumn, there's one thing I grieve:

Chicks give showin' skin a reprieve.

Too bad they can't be

bit more like the Trees

so I could just shake off their "leaves."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/11/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

September 11th.

Am I supposed to wish you guys a "happy" September 11? A "pensive" one? What? And I'm not gonna call it "Patriot Day." September 11 works just fine for me.

Anyway, our leaders have been sound-biting all along about how we're winning/gonna win/etc. the War on Terror.

Here's Chicago's mayor's way of doing it, as expressed in a Chicago Sun-Times headline this week:

"Daley: Security Cameras Will Blanket Chicago."

Hmm.

Well, despite the fuzzy definitions and all, it appears SOMEBODY IS winning.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/12/2004:

Yesterday's dubbed "Patriot Day"

so its events won't fade away.

If it's all the same

I'll just use date's name--

its mem'ries won't fade as I grey.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/12/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Sunday-only readers missed my, er, Sept. 11 anniversary "special," or whatever, yesterday.

Bastards.

But I thought of something inferior that's kinda, sort 9-11 related.

Saw an older guy missing a finger Friday. My first thought was: 'Nam.

Then I thought, wouldn't it kinda suck for the guy if it wasn't "'Nam" but "fireworks"?...

By the way, I much prefer the less popular spelling "grey" to the poopy-pantsy "gray." For what it's worth. Which ain't much...

I've finally perfected a Woody Woodpecker impression!

All my life, as a Woody fan, I've longed to recreate that laugh but... My vocal chords just won't go there.

Friday night, however, I hit the year's biggest gallery openings celebration in Chicago and--Voila!

Still can't get my vocal chords to go there. But with the cheeze, and crackers, and dips, and even sushi...

Bicycle riders in the city are supposed to ride on the streets and follow the rules that cars do.

They rarely do, however. Instead endangering the psychological health and very lives of pedestrians who outnumber them something like 50-to-1.

I propose ticketing said bike riders, a source of city revenue, to get authorities paying attention to this scourge.

Which is why a now-defunct bookstore I used to frequent was robbed three times in a month leaving authorities to only mutter "we're doing what we can," which entailed filling out a report or two and leaving it at that while if you parked illegally in front of the store, well, "what they can" would entail a ticket and/or prompt, immediate action (towing)...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

So, now Dubya is getting the Kitty Kelly treatment and the word is that the book goes into George's use of pot and coke.

Just what we need. Even more focus on issues that have nothing to do with the present or future...

By the way, I've noticed an awful lot of "liberals" rippin' into Bush for the DUI and the coke thing.

Funny, but about a decade ago, when Clinton was blatherin' about "not inhaling," that kind of topic was "irrelevant" to them.

So what's the big deal about alleged "flip-flopping" on a mere war when compared to flip-flopping on the entire definitions of "liberal" and "conservative"?...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Hairy Hitter

I was once editor of an arts nonprofit's newspaper, and its office is downtown, across from a Marriott. In warm weather, the seventh floor provides a wonderful view of the rooftop sunbathing level.

I still work for this organization on a freelance basis, generally doing two or three full office days per month, plus a story for the paper, and now I'm also editing new editions of two of their books on a contract basis as well.

Anyway, I was there today and I noticed the Hairy Hitter. Again.

He's a big, bronze-tanned guy, with a huge belly, bushes of dark body hair (including back hair), gold jewelry and balls of brass. Not literally, the balls that is, of course, although they would match his overall look. And I don't know how I'd know about the composition of said testes as eew... But anyway, he hit on ALL the ladies. Hence, B.O.B.

I don't know how he became a rooftop hotel sunbathing regular, but that's a whole 'nother story. Point is: It's been seven years since I started going to the organization's seventh floor office. And the Hairy Hitter is still there.

Maybe he knows something.

Hmmm.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/12/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Tomorrow is sooner

She knows that it's over,

But continues to breathe

His air as though it's theirs.

Perhaps her questions

And doubts are just that.

Questions and doubts.

No reciprocation.

Just subtle reminders

Of past hurts reflected.

She worries about him,

Loves him as she can,

But knows he will go.

The intimacy is fading;

Conversation has turned

To numbing minutiae.

So she concentrates, concentrates

On the lines of him sleeping,

The way his mouth moves.

She's listening for love

In his voice or his eyes.

Yet what she finds

She will not acknowledge,

The horizon lengthening,

The sweat-away hope.

Tomorrow is sooner

Than she knows.

Yet, she knows.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/13/2004:

Iran's on the nuke warhead track

but quite unafraid they'll get whacked.

Claim dubya-em-dees?

They'll say, "No, pu-lease!--

Didn't you say that 'bout Iraq?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/13/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I managed to land a letter in my favorite column in the world PROMOTING THE DAILY LIMERICK WEB SITE! It appeared in yesterday's edition of the Quick Takes column, by Zay N. Smith, in the Chicago Sun-Times. It's about... Well, it's an inside-the-column-itself joke not worth explaining right now.

The reference didn't include the URL, however. Which is just as well. Seeing as I don't have anything up at www.DailyLimerick.net yet.

I thought about rushing to put what I have on my cheezy, free Web site onto the new domain but... First of all, I'd still miss out on most of the opportunity's gold in doing it late Sunday (which is when I found out about my letter's publication).

And God, if you happen to be reading this for whatever reason, just so you know: When I wrote and performed the poem and sketches as a real-world, adult Charlie Brown, that was a joke. As you should very well know, I'm not the modern incarnation of Chuck I'm... Well... Ieeeee.

Good grief...

DL in QT.

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Chris Leak.

Perpetually pissed.

And:

Violet Curry.

Now, I like Thai food as much as the next guy, but I'd stick with the red, yellow or green on this one.

And:

David J. Looby.

When you need a hand...

(P.S. You may have noticed that I occasionally publish the middle initial of lucky LASFNRGR winners. So here's a tip for ya': "J" is a funny middle initial. As is "D" and... Point being, not every middle initial adds to the, um, laughs. Take "X," for instance. Although sometimes the rest of the name comes into play in the way it "bounces" off the middle initial and... Enough of that. You'll just have to wait 'til the first "LASFNRGR Appreciation" college course.)

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 9/13/2004:

This blow-loaf checks in concerning S&Y's reference to (fire)crackers Sunday:

> Speaking of crackers, I'd love a box of Biederman's Own Cracker Catastrophe

> with Extra Sodium Flakes right now.

You see, when I worked at the Los Angeles Daily News, I was noted for having a snack drawer containing crackers in interesting flavors. Yadda yadda yadda, we eventually prattled on about a fictional "Biederman's Own" cracker company and... And... Which is just my long-winded way of saying that this was an "in" joke and I probably shouldn't have even printed the letter.

I could argue that I'm printing it out of "journalistic integrity." But even you liploafs wouldn't buy that.

So I guess it's just my Commitment to Stupidity in action!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/14/2004:

In the Far East, mushroom cloud loomed.

South Koreans wondered, "We doomed?"

If they want our wrath

but ain't of the Ba'ath

they're sportin' the wrong kind of 'shroom.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/14/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Entertainment pundits are shocked, shocked I tell you, that Nelly has done a duet, of sorts, with Tim McGraw. Oh, the artistic disparities!

I mean, will the babes in the VH-1/Music Industry-ready videos wear dew rags, or cowboy hats?...

I've pointed out in this mess before that Chicago is noted for having a near-annual murder over a pork chop.

It usually happens in the summer. And, having not heard of one yet for 2004, I've been a little nervous lately that all is not right in the universe.

However, there was a murder this week reportedly over French fries. White Castle French fries. And that's close enough for me to let it slide-r.

(Ugh.)

Kinda says something about our "recovering" economy, too, now doesn't it?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason.

Jane Sassaman.

Dated her.

And:

John Jurkovic.

And used his philosophy afterward.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/15/2004:

Just who speaks pure truth is a mystery--

Moore? Kitty? Swift Boaters? Who's gist's for me?

More diversity

in Land of the Free--

choices in revisionist history!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/15/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

As I walked into my grocery store of choice today, first thing I see is a dame at the self-service check-out and... Hubbala bubbala boomski.

Making the sight even more delightful, which is quite a feat in itself, she was scanning a gigantic summer sausage. Both hands caressin' the ol' cylindrical chunk of meat.

Ahem.

Since that's all I have today, I figure I'd spit out something that I was reminded of in experiencing the preceding tear-jerking tale (or SOMETHING-jerking tale). This is one I was saving for a Sunday Story Time, you lucky schmucks:

Years ago, before I instilled the Serious Writing Habit in myself, I was a frequent user of those "how-to-be-a-writer" books. One of the better texts in the genre assigned the wannabe an exercise a day. And so one day I left the house with a camera borrowed from my dad to take something like 16 photos of one object. The point of the exercise was to view the world through the eyes of a visual artist while at the same time learning that one object can be portrayed from many different angles, points of view, etc.

I had quite a few extra shots left after finishing the exercise on a Picasso statue, so I then wandered around downtown Chicago looking for good pictures. I took a fine shot of a big fat guy playing a little banjo while sitting up on a bridge. I took a couple of some interesting architecture.

Then I saw HER.

Sitting on a bench.

Eating a banana.

Now, lady Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may not know this, but when you eat a banana, hot dog, popsicle--anything phallic--in public, you've probably landed the staring role in at least one man's fantasy later that evening. Or back in his office bathroom. And you've made a whole lot of guys' days, or at least their lunch hours, in any event.

I intended to finish the roll on the Banana Lady in question. But as I moved closer. Closer. Closer... She saw me. And, judging from the look on her face, she was wise to the ways of men and knew EXACTLY what I was doing.

I hurried away, snapped the remaining shots, and rushed to a photo developer.

A couple days later... Well, the Picasso shots turned out pretty good.

Sigh.

Now I know why male monkeys masturbate all the time.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/16/2004:

Called gayness "selfish hedonism"

and now Al Keyes says his whacked vision

says sex should just be

to make kids--so he

just obv'ously craves some man jism.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/16/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I overheard a video, and the people watching it, today.

I was in another room, but I could discern that it was a documentary about the Catholic-Protestant violence in Northern Ireland.

A man was asked why he was a Protestant, to which he answered, "Because Protestants get better treatment than Catholics."

Viewers giggled.

What a ridiculous reason to follow a religion! Most people take the issue far more seriously--basing their decision on the randomness of being born into a particular culture.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/17/2004:

As Brit's second wedding draws near

hope her guy holds punnery dear

'cause with the right toys

to bring Britney joys

can say he happened to dil Spears.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/17/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Is everybody familiar with the "I Don't Want Her, You Can Have Her, She's Too Fat For Me Polka"?

Yes, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, political correctness has not been with us throughout history.

Anyway, results of a poll this week by Shape and Men's Fitness magazines finds that 35 percent of men would pass on a chance at a relationship if the woman is "heavyset."

I, I know that these results had a good many people shaking their heads, grumbling, etc. over their morning coffee. Some are probably even outraged.

I'm a little shocked myself.

A whole 35 percent?

That's the problem with polls. There's a whole lot of lying behind 'em.

Mere 35 percent, my ass.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/18/2004:

"Now baseball--why that's where it's at,"

thought a wannabe groupie, Kat.

Blew a minor leaguer

who mentored, quite eager--

advised her, "choke up on the bat."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/18/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Laughing at Stranger for No Real Good Reason:

Thomas O'Lone.

His religion is practically O'nanism.

And:

Elizabeth Sandercock.

Male-to-female transvestite with a bit of work yet to be done.

And:

Sophie Sulka.

Exemplary of the reason I'm not exactly keen on the prospect of re-entering the dating world...

(Note, Slapper Yapper Grassshoppers, that I just turned an S&Y/LASFNRGR cliché into a...camoflauged cliché, or something.)

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/19/2004:

Since caught with pot in Oklahoma

guess McCauley Culkin's a stona'.

My advice to those types?

To avoid the bad hype--

it's best to smoke hoooch Home Alone-a.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/19/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

From a "Help Wanted" ad:

"SMALL, FRIEDLY LOOP office will train bright, eager, prompt, detail minded individual. Casual dress, snacking OK..." Hold it.

So here we have an employer who, in the minimal amount of words allotted by a classified ad, chose "snacking-friendly" as one of the "must-have" facts about the job and company to be presented to readers and potential applicants.

This, of course, brings a plethora of questions to the forefront. Are they having trouble filling this job? If so, is there a corporate world crackdown on munching in the workplace I'm unaware of? Or did they lose a valuable former employee thanks to a Twinkie purge, spurring them to change their snacking tune? Are there job seekers out there, poring over all the ads, thinking "all these jobs seem the same; I wish there were something with...I don't know, something I can't put my finger on... Aha! This one says SNACKING OK! Now THAT is a sign from God!"

I have a theory.

I'm thinkin' a metaphor is going literal:

Chubby chasing--specifically, around the water cooler...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

Checking in with the "Tough on Terror" Bush Administration--

Colin Powell, on a mushroom cloud sighted over North Korea, believed by most anybody outside Bush World to be a nuclear weapon test of some sort:

"We have no indication that it was a nuclear event of any kind."

What a relief! It was just one of those harmless mushroom clouds you see everyday...

I saw an ad for a job opening at the Quincy (Ill.) Herald-Whig.

Wow! A reference to the good ol' Whig political party. That takes me back...to a century or more before I was born, I suppose. Well, at least to Mr. Heger's history classes.

I would find more jollies in this whole election thing if the Whigs were involved. And while we're at it, why not throw in the Know Nothings? Couldn't some fringe candidate out there lash onto these historically familiar parties? Wouldn't the vaguely familiar names help get them coverage?

C'mon, Mr. Nader! As long as you're gonna pull a Keyes on the nation, the very least you can do is amuse me...

Laughing at Strangers for no Real Good Reason:

Indonesian (probable) president elect Susilo Bambang Yudhogono.

Ah, if only I could say that bang is (part of) my middle name.

And:

Sister Mary Clementia.

Now, just how does a nun catch the dreaded Clementia?...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Sometimes, You Gotta Fight to be a Man

I can count the actual fights I've been in on one hand.

Physical fights, that is. Fisticuffs. Having been married, well, I'd need more than my hands, and all you readers' hands, to count THOSE kinda fights.

Don't get me wrong--I've learned the message of caution inherent in Kenny Rogers' "Coward of the County." I have answered the call of pugilistic duel before. But you can count the times on one hand... And now we're going in circles.

Anyway, with the Iraq war raging and all, I've been thinking about the things in life that truly ARE worth fighting for. And I remember one of the fights I've had in particular.

It involved this lunk of a guy in my high school cafeteria who attacked what was nearest and dearest to me.

He kept stealing my French Fries.

Oh, and there was another time when a guy in the same cafeteria stole my milk.

Hmm... A pattern is starting to emerge.

If French Fries ain't important, well, then all is lost. God has forsaken us. And as depressing as that prospect is, I think I'll still have fries with it.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/19/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Failure to enclose or collapse the shell

I could talk about recent traumas

With a flourish, with a sugar-candy walk.

Tell you of birds flapping in sunlight

Out the broken window, the terrific nature

Of their noise, their ability to leave,

To lift into the sky, where all is light

Or absence.

Or I could hand out new phrases

Pressure-sealed in isolationism,

And then I could laugh if you got them wrong.

I mean, c'mon, the meanings are quite clear

If you've lived my life and been me

From the moment you were

Born.

Hmm, should I call on God for this?

Should I call on Goddess? Should I let faith

And hope splendor the expansive field

In roving colors, in snowdrop shapes?

Oh, I'd let the sentimental rave at my words,

Wishing they could hold the beauty

Of its promise.

But I cannot believe in it,

Nor the half-hidden lies disguising the real.

Things less digestable, much less warming

Are flowing through me. And I don't have the sense

To force out the fury, to proclaim some grand change.

Transcendence is a concept, and I am not.

I am right here, writing this end.

That is my failure.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/20/2004:

Airport's sanctioned smoking outlet

toward which did prove hard to get

so smoked open-air;

a voice said, "not there"--

'twas TSA, on the REAL threats.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/20/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Every Miss America supposedly has some sort of "peg." The last one, er, what's her name, was all Jesus and abstinence. The one before, ol', er, what's her name, or maybe she was two Miss Americas removed, well she was into deaf issues (not needing a lot of creativity with it, being deaf herself).

So, I just read today that the current Miss America, er, the current what's her name, is a noted advocate for pediatric cancer patients.

Wow. Talk about going out on a limb, taking a stand and that whole genre of clichés!

So, the current Miss What's Her Name has differentiated herself from, oh, the unrepentant child molesters and flaming sociopaths of the world, at least...

The world now has Hummer cologne.

So it uses four times as much alcohol, takes up twice as much space and costs at least twice as much as the average cologne?...

Just learned that Elvis didn't play New York City until he was 17 years into his career.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you about a time when the entertainment map of the U.S. contained more cities than L.A. and New York. No, no, I'm not making this one up, I swear that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/21/2004:

Don't watch morning TV, and I'm proud

viewed Today--at its lameness, I'm wowed.

Terrorists: Got a deal.

If you must kill, then feel

free to nail Today Show's loser crowd.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/21/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Live from the Yooper--Michigan's U.P. (Upper Peninsula)--where the moose run free and the women are, er...bearing ovaries...

(Forgot to put that oh-so-exciting temporary standing head in yesterday...)

As you can glean from today's Limerick, I took a gander at some morning TV today. Actually, in my defense, it was more of a secondhand gander.

And, my, the relief I felt learning that Anthony Edwards, now that he's doing movies, can walk his kids to work every day, as he's no longer a part of that grueling sitcom network of sweatshops.

Can you imagine? Working long hours every weekday? For six months out of the year?

Oh, the humanity...

Okay, knock it off.

Knock off the threesomes (and moresomes) in porn that brandish an equation with more men than women.

Whoever is creating the "demand" for these, well... Just stay the hell away from the hetero porn industry; put your hands up; back out of the closet...

And speaking of porn, could you guys knock it off with the "innovation"?

I know it must be, er, "boring," somehow, at least in your little alternate universe, to film the same sex acts over and over... You poor bastards.

But, anyway, while I am an optimist, and thus believe it is theoretically possible that a new sex act or technique or fetish angle or what-have-you can still be invented (crusading whackjob do-gooders, for instance, created the "smoking fetish," for instance), the spitting, and ATMs and... Oh, all that crap: Just knock it off.

The rest of Hollywood gives up on originality and just re-makes every goddamn film and TV show ever created while you sliploafs insist on a dedication to originality in the one area of Hollywood, that being North Hollywood, that really doesn't need it.

Need some help integrating with the rest of Hollywood? Here ya' go: "Starsky & Crotch." "Rear Entry Window." "Quimcy."

Run with it.

I'll learn to live with a return to big hair. Hell, I'll even deal with the '70s bushes.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/22/2004:

The airline/airport industry

cries poor, wallows in bankruptcy.

Ya' smoke? Walk a mile!

De-shoe--screw profiles!

Well, they won't see one tear from me.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/22/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Live from the Yooper--Michigan's U.P. (Upper Peninsula)--where the moose run free and the women are, er...bearing ovaries...

I've finally figured out "what I am" politically:

A Liberaltarian...

Knock off the kid gloves.

Oh, I'm not talking to you, really, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. I'm talking to all these people acting like events in my life justify treating me like I'm about to lose it, burst into tears, at any time. Well, obviously, I'm not talking about you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, as you don't react to much of anything. Butt bastards.

Anyway, as you should know, if any of your brains are working, I am maritally separated and, let's be honest, en route to the big D, although I'm not getting into more detail than that, and I'm using some vacation time, knowing things may be a bit financially troublesome for a bit, so I'm up at my parents second home here, an affordable option, and a lot of their friends are up in nearby cabins, too, which might sound lame to some, hell, might some lame to many, and I've hung around a lot with them for evening events but can go off on my own whenever I want and... Point being:

People either don't want to bring it up or, well, as I said, they break out the kid gloves. They don't actually say stuff like, you know, but...you can just kinda tell.

So here's a glimpse of how I quit drinking years ago: Go to bar. Order shot. Wave under your nose. Perhaps sip a tiny bit and spit it out. Dump shot. Hang out with friends at bars more than you did even while drinking.

So yap about it all you want. Ask down and dirty details. Tell me about your cousin's brother's friend who died of heartbreak during his divorce.

Bring it on.

Ugh.

And I'll most certainly refrain from saying, "Mission Accomplished" at any point down the road.

 

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/23/2004:

Now Outkast, whacked Rosa Parks sues

'cause she's all Bill of Rights confused.

Though now, en absentia

'cause she's got dementia

of which, I ask you, why is that news?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/23/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Live from the Yooper--Michigan's U.P. (Upper Peninsula)--where the moose run free and the women are, er...bearing ovaries...

The government is suing Big Tobacco yet again, you may have heard.

I read a big story about this the other day and learned that the tobacco companies concerned aren't allowed to conduct any research to counteract the astrology, er, "science" of stuff like secondhand smoke. So, suing Big Tobacco is a bit like cutting off a deer's legs and then hunting it.

Do you remember how, pre-quagmire, Iraq was the "in case of PR emergency break glass" bomb target for presidents?

Well, it has been replaced, at least on the legal battlefield, with Big Tobacco...

Today, I found it amusing that I let loose one of those clinging farts and seemingly couldn't get away from the damn thing in the grocery store.

I thought about jotting it down for a later S&Y nugget, but then thought, "I've worked semi-hard to keep S&Y away from THAT level."

So this is a rare S&Y fart-joke nugget. You may never see one again.

After all, I don't want Hollywood producers harassing me, now that I have the entire plot for the latest blockbuster teen comedy worked out...

By the way, do they call a highly successful porn flick a "cockbuster"?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Julie Green Topping.

I'm just hoping to hell she's green pepper.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/24/2004:

Chicago's Rich Daley's insane--

proposed ticketing Mary Jane.

Those thoughtful solutions

prove mad convolutions

during big election campaigns.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/24/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Live from the Yooper--Michigan's U.P. (Upper Peninsula)--where the moose run free and the women are, er...bearing ovaries...

Okay, folks. Now I know that most people with elderly parents are overcome with guilt when considering the old folks' home option. And, for those rare, cruel hearts who don't care, your parents probably fight the idea denture and nail.

But that's no excuse. There are other, more humane options. Taking them into your home, for instance. Hell, maybe you can hook them up in a senior-friendly apartment or something, reaping all the benefits of "senior housing" while avoiding the stigma.

But please, please quit dropping 'em off at the Indian reservation casinos.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/25/2004:

Could sure use a woman quite loose--

but here'd take Don Juan for a deuce--

U.P.'s population

screams pro masturbation

much longer, I might nail a moose.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/25/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Live from the Yooper--Michigan's U.P. (Upper Peninsula)--where the moose run free and the women are, er...bearing ovaries...

In honor of the U.P., today's Extra Cheezy Saturday Edition has a distinctive curd flavor...

The "Today" show yesterday featured a look at a supermodel who fought addiction, eating disorder, blah blah blah, shed some tears why don't ya'.

The lead-in: "You might not know her name..." Hmm.

SUPERmodel?

Didn't that used to mean that... Hmm.

I feel sorry for any poor, mere "models" that might be out there.

Are there still plain old "models," anyway?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 9/26/2004:

Kerry's fin'ly found the aplomb

to on George Bush start dropping bombs

by taking a whack

at mess in Iraq--

'til now, thought we were still in 'Nam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/26/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

No longer Live from the Yooper--Michigan's U.P. (Upper Peninsula)--where the moose run free and... Oh, it was crappy temporary standing head anyway...

This week, in the U.P., where nature's rites of autumn begin in a little earlier, as it's farther north, I look at the reds, oranges, yellows of the leaves and think... Mmm... Fruity Pebbles...

Speaking of which, I have a new nuttily conservative journalism babe I wanta do eleven ways 'til Sunday.

Mmm... Michelle Malkin...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I didn't pay close attention to the Democratic and Republican commercials this summer, but a vision from the Bush Fest haunts me. It will always remind me of this period in time, Bush and, symbolically, the type of person who votes and voted for Dubya.

I've generally felt that there's only one, good, practical reason to vote for the evil monkey. Toughness on terror? Nope--he'd rather waste lives and resources attacking nations that have little to do with America's safety. Out of religious fervor? Well, only if you've added a personal pro-gun lobby commandment to replace that pesky "Thou Shalt Not Kill" one. The economy? Let's keep the "fantasy" games to the sports section of the newspaper.

The only practical reason to vote for Bush is if you're don't give a shit about anybody else or the rest of the world, and are secure in your belief that you or yours won't become victim of terrorist attacks only being dreamed of for a future day by zillions of youngsters in Iraq, etc., and you're rich and want your freakin' tax cut. Any other reasons and you're simply delusional and should be locked away for the safety of society at large.

But, anyway, I have this vision burned into my mind of this big fat bitch, waving her big fat arm around, flab shifting back and forth like a swimming manatee, wide-eyed, crazed looked in her eyes, chanting, in a manner not unlike Allah-brainwashed Islamofascists demonstrating in the streets of Gaza, "flip-flopper, flip-flopper, flip-flopper."

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you about a time when wide-eyed, religious whack-jobism was a government form only in poor, uneducated, overpopulated nations...

Chicago's Mayor Richard M. Daley has come out in support of proposals to make possession of small amounts of marijuana a ticket-able offense, unworthy of clogging up our court systems.

Don't expect to hear too much more about this. Chiming in on an issue with intelligence and real solutions during an election year probably already has Daley hog-tied in some closet by the Kerry campaign...

CBS and Dan Rather finally admitted this week that... Oh, c'mon! You know what happened, don't you? If you're relying on S&Y as your primary news source, well, I... I'm flattered and frightened all at once, I suppose.

Anyhow, knuckleheads are making this into a partisan issue.

It's about journalistic ethics. It's NOT a partisan issue, nimrods.

Then again, we're pretty much expected to masturbate to the Right or Left these days...

SUNDAY STORY TIME: Hornsby's

Earlier this week, vacationing with the parents in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, I was launched into a flashback.

I had just looked at the UP-related T-shirts and such and, with no hidden agenda, told my mother of a few shirts that I found clever and/or cool, mainly to share the punnery. My mother then said, "We'll look at those later in the week," meaning "Not now, lil' John John, but maybe we'll buy you one later in the week."

Which reminded me of Hornsby's toy store.

Hornsby's is, of course, long gone--although, oddly enough, it's not a Chili's or Target or anything now but another mom-and-pop something or other. It used to be viewable from my grandparents' backyard. It was my favorite toy store and, as a way of teasing me, my grandpa would always say, "I saw a dump truck dropping off toys at Hornsby's the other day."

Reportedly, as I don't remember this--and I don't mean that in a politician kinda way; I actually don't remember it--I engaged in the slimy kid tactic of saying things like, "Grandma, I sure like that Stretch Armstrong in the other aisle. Not that I'm asking you to buy it or anything, of course."

Flashing forward to this week, I found myself in a Hornsby's-esque situation. This time, however, I really didn't mean to spur my mother into buying me a shirt. Although, to be honest, I'm still a bit kiddie slimy that way--I figure it will make her feel motherly and all that to buy me a shirt and, hey, I'll take a free shirt.

But, today, I at least have to insist she doesn't, once or twice.

That actually goes for all of you chowderpumps. Go ahead. Try to buy me something and you'll see.

Just hope I'm not in a Hornsby's state of mind.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 9/26/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Fruit

Fruit bursts through the cracks of the pavement;

Through the feet of trunks, opaque

Sidewalk words. Paucity, a word, one that

Does not bear fruit -- rather, its lack,

One-way and insular. So fruit bursts through

The cracks of the pavement, big red globes,

Inside ripened flesh. Sweet and runny,

Hot and sunny, this fruit needs love

And desires mouths, the kiss

Of itself being devoured;

Or the sun's slanting shadows

Through its roots, towards origin

Minds in wander,

Discovering the fruit, weighing them

In hand, sampling their febrile,

Intoxicating flavor. What the tree knows

Is latched, interweaved,

In their fragrance --

Conversation, conversation,

Whistles and whispers,

Cigarette smoke and cars rolling past.

I taste a bit of those goingsby,

Of radiosong moments,

In your lips.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/27/2004:

I'll patronize airport economies

when somehow in charge lacks lobotomies.

Food's tucked in the maze--

can smoke miles away--

their mere design seems to make fun of me.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/27/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

I guess it's nice and all when people call "just to see you got in okay from the flight," but... Wouldn't you hear about the fiery crash if I didn't?...

I don't know where this came from, but last night, I had a, er, "vision," or something, of Ross Perot singing for Night Ranger.

"Sister Christian, oh the time has come--it's just that simple--and you know I'mallearsandyourtheonlyone..." Hmmm.

I found it amusing. Although it does put me in the running for the Bob Hope Hopelessly Dated Pop Reference Awards...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Sean Dustman, soldier in Iraq.

Takin' the troops by storm, I understand.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/28/2004:

The thing about Hummer cologne:

If "h" were uncapped, left alone,

it'd bring old-school meaning

and then I'd be leaning

to splash some on--just for my bone.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/28/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

New Ernest Hemingway work has been unearthed--but its publication is in doubt, as it's not deemed "up to par."

Probably because the main piece is a parody. By Hemingway, of the style of Hemingway himself.

Usually, once somebody's been dead for a few decades, we're finally allowed to view anything in a humorous tone as Art.

If these days Hemingway's getting this kinda post-grave slack, I'm thinking, oh, 2175 before DL/S&Y would even be eligible...

The Chicago City Council is debating a proposal to crack down on "aggressive begging," namely through slapping offenders with $50 tickets.

Now, the homeless aren't known for having a lot of extra money. But I guess they'll be able to track them down through their registered addresses. Or maybe they'll yank their, er, driver's licenses or something. Or tow their cars.

Huh?

In any event, a crack-down on aggressive begging isn't gonna help my already feeble attempts to get laid one bit...

Walter Bruening publicly gave up smoking cigars nine years ago. But it was only recently that he made public his reason: Cost.

So people from around the world began sending Bruening free stogies and he's back in my Vice Club.

Amazed that such a rampantly politically incorrect story is in the National News Cooker? And why are the P.C. Police looking the other way? Isn't anybody going to step in a try to save Walter from himself?

If he gives up cigars, he'll have such a long life ahead of him at 108...

Saw a news story today about personal security that referred to a "tubular bike lock."

Rampant editorializing, of course, but I will give the writer credit for not labeling it "totally tubular"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Millie Blender.

Don't get mixed up with her.

And:

Evelyn Glow.

Made a little too much use of Millie's services.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/29/2004:

The porn makers of our fine nation

are off course with damn "innovation."

After centuries

found new ways to please?

Hey, schmucks--time don't change masturbation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/29/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

Terrorists are reportedly getting more tech-savvy with the videos they pump out to TV stations with junk-mail-like regularity.

Not one to surf for beheadings (it's just not my fetish), I have to take the media's word for it. But I'm interested in their recently reported use of animation. Again, I haven't seen it, but I'm sure it's the Cat Stevens' Pajamas.

This all reminds me of an Arab guy the estranged wife and I interviewed for our wedding videographer gig. He had apparently just figured out the built-in tricks of his digital camera and showed us numerous videos of dance floors with that cartoonish fire coming from the ground.

He didn't get the job. Which is just lengthening a digression, but perhaps you're curious.

Anyway, I'm awaiting the day that, like other terror-inflicting, evil organizations, those wacky militant Muslims will forgo animation altogether and stick with Pixar-ish technology...

Wow! In using the term above, I just realized that I have an "estranged" wife.

And I guess that makes me an "estranged" husband.

I always paused to ponder that term when I heard it in the past. It seems so...something. And now I'm sportin' the adjective.

Truth is estranger than fiction...

By the way, for some reason, Microsoft Office Word recognizes "estranger."

But not "videographer" or "cartoonish."

I think its department, the one in charge of fixing program bugs, happens to be "estranged"...

Ellen Fein, author of "The Rules"--you know, the book that is still a guidebook for many misguided chicks on landing a man--and also "The Rules for Marriage," post-marriage, is now blaming dental surgery for the divorce.

Yup. If you haven't heard already, The Rules didn't pan out so well for Fein.

So, she preaches rules that don't work AND she makes up nutty excuses for the failures.

Politics must be next for Ms. Fein...

Saw an ad for a grocery store's butcher shop today that proudly proclaimed, "We Smoke Our Own."

Just in time. I'm sick and tired of workers bummin' off me when all I want's a pound of bologna...

It has come to my attention that a music form exists called "hard bop."

Not sure what kind of music it is. But if my life is ever the subject of a movie--unlikely, at this point, as it wouldn't be a remake or sequel--something in that genre will undoubtedly accompany the scene concerning my life-changing viewing of "Flashdance" as a pubescent...

Since this is an evening publication, I have to take my last opportunity in 2004 to toss this mental bomb out:

"September morn... We danced until"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Charnell Covert.

I think she's had a few operations--but nobody's sayin'.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 9/30/2004:

To help us guess who's less like Satan

tonight, candidates are debatin'.

I'd do some reflectin'

but know you're expectin'

me to end rhyme with "masturbatin'."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 9/30/2004:

Celebrating Five Years of One Original Limerick a Day!...

And that "real" Web site is coming, although I was a bit optimistic about how long it would take and am still learning how to freakin' design it, so expect it before Christmas, I suppose. Yeah, I'll say Christmas, because it'll look better to see it early rather than having me miss a "deadline" assigned in wide-eyed optimism and, who knows, maybe it will take me 'til Goddamned Christmas...

And there WILL also be a Launch Party, chowder slaps, which will include an historical (and hopefully hysterical) walk down Limerick Lane, some sort of polka and so much more that it's just silly, silly I tell you!...

A now, another episode of Daily Limerick Told Ya' So:

Do you recall how, sometime WAY back, I warned male readers that women were secretly plotting to do away with men completely? Read on--

A Japanese company is now marketing a "Man Pillow." It's a pillow with an arm, so women who like to fall asleep hugging a man and having him hold her can now get a similar effect--without the man.

Gather 'round, grandkids and... Wait. I don't EXIST in the future...

A grade school in Virginia, thanks to a swingin' board member meeting snafu, served margaritas to third through fifth graders.

It was just one school, though. So I'm still demanding an explanation for Hilary Duff CD sales...

Pardon me for being a little late with this nugget.

I once tried reading Brett Easton Ellis. Gave up after about 15 pages of boredom.

Now, I read that Mr. Ellis was noted for comparing the civil rights/anti-war activism of the '60s to the anti-greed er, "activism" of the '80s.

Hmm.

So, if watching MTV is activism, we're amid a downright revolution right now...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Tim Frisby.

Noted for going to the dogs.

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL at http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49 if you can't wait, but keep an eye on www.DailyLimerick.net...

***

On July 12, 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was destined to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick!

Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things post-graduation--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

Daily Limerick took another detour for the better, or at least for the different, in the Fall of 2002, when its Chief Limericist (that being one John "Sloop" Biederman) landed a gig writing "News Limericks" for the Chicago Tribune's new, "hip," youth-demographic-courting RedEye. Monday through Friday poetry in a major newspaper? Unheard of! A regular gig writing poetry for a living? Undreamed of! Sloop had already been dabbling in News Limericks for DL--as it's a bit tiring coming up with new sexual situations in rhyme 365 days a year--but when the Tribune folks inevitably came to their senses and cut off the Gravy Train o' Verse (in a couple months), Sloop decided to use Daily Limerick as a regular outlet for News Limericks instead of further exhausting the pages of his rhyming dictionary that list "cock" and "Nantucket! (But never fear, members of the Traditional Limerick Community! We still throw a Classic Limerick your way now and again so you can gather the kiddies around the fire for some timeless verse forms.)

In the Summer of 2003, the entire Daily Limerick, er...office traveled out to sunny, plastic Los Angeles for a Meeting of the er, um, Minds with Mr. Chm...with Mike and, coupled with my secret recipe for honey jalopeno chicken, this event became known as the Great Colon Cockling of 2003! As a result of the Great Colon Cockling of 2003--which rolls off the tongue, or the typing fingertips, quite nicely, don't you think?--well... Not much happened to directly affect Daily Limerick's content but, er...Did I mention that "The Great Colon Cockling of 2003" rolls off the tongue nicely?

Point being: Daily Limerick is only going to mutate further from here!

(By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.)

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

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