Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2005:

Someone found a finger in chili

at Wendy's, which caused a big dilly--

in fact, caused a rage.

By "digital age"

that's not what is meant, those big sillies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Last day to hear the replay of Sloop on fearlessradio.com; see Sloop Central for details...

Laura Bush, upon visiting, proclaimed that "Afghanistan is safe."

And that's REALLY saying something, if somebody who's escorted every step of the way by soldiers to and from a military helicopter feels safe there...

Jesse Jackson. Religious leaders. Columnists widely considered "liberal."

They all jumped on the "Free Terry" bandwagon just before the story reached its conclusion.

A true bipartisan cause.

Bipartisanship among nutballs, of course, but we'll take what we can get, for now, and build from there...

Speaking of feeding tubes, now the Pope's sportin' one.

It's gettin' to be another Kabala or something...

McDonald's is looking to pay rappers for including Big Mac references in their lyrics.

While this is, of course, frightening on multiple levels, it could prove oddly refreshing to hear rappin' about ANYTHING other than ho's and bling...

Aspirin, a blood-thinning agent, has been proven about as effective as Coumadin, a prominent anti-stroke/stroke recovery drug that's curiously expensive, in recent studies.

Which got me to wondering... Do you think any doctors suggest porn or just reach straight for the Viagra?...

So the head of the Boy Scouts of America was busted with child porn.

Naw.

Too easy...

Headline in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Cops Fear Stalkers on Chat Lines."

You see, a few tragic events centering on chat lines have went down in the Chicago area recently.

But... Granted, we live in a media-saturated society and all. But I don't think that should excuse a complete disregard for the idea of presenting stories that are newsworthy is some manner.

Now, a headline like:

"Cops Find Some Actual Non-Stalkers on Chat Lines"?

I'd be flabbergasted.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/1/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Let's Get Out of This Terrible Sandwich Shop

Let's Get Out of This Terrible Sandwich Shop is a one-man comic band. Or that's what I guess you'd call him and his act.

I saw him live and in hearing him open with his self-titular tune (which he returned to often, in a refrain/overture-like performance), I was consumed with delight. The refrain, titular as well, had a rousing, sing-along quality. And after the refrain, he'd sing "Look at the Cat!" and hold up a cardboard, cartoon rendering of a feline.

It was nonsensical, largely, but it worked.

Now, this is not a completely gushing review of LGOOTTSS (as us hipsters call 'im), as... Well, LGOOTTSS gave me a CD. (Lacking a Web address or anything, so Google away, any of you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who're so inclined.)

As much as the live performance delighted me, the CD frightened me.

There were songs about hatchets and... Well, to be fair, I think he did the hatchet number when I saw him live, too.

Take care in choosing any LGOOTTSS CDs. But nonetheless keep an ear out for Let's Get Out of This Terrible Sandwich Shop.

Look at the cat!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/1/2005:

> Regarding the Power Wheels. Sometimes, if I've missed the bus and am stuck

> walking home, I'll see a shopping cart on the side of the street, and ride

> it down the sidewalk like a scooter for a few blocks. If nothing else, I get

> to make an ass out of myself.

Wow. Once again, a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper has made me proud.

Damn near brought a tear to my eye.

Just like Daily Limerick, he never passes up an opportunity to make an ass of himself.

(Sigh.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2005:

There once was a girlie named Penny

who's personal quirks numbered many.

Unlike other chicks

but she knew sex tricks--

treat her right, and you'd see 'em plenty.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

I trust you've heard what happened with the Schiavo deal.

But they're still protesting.

I guess they've a whole new agenda.

It starts with a Congressional mandate to build a time machine and...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2005:

It's well noted she has no grace

but my prob with Ms. Hilton's place

in the Celeb Light

sans talent, despite

is she's kinda got a butt face.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

If you're gonna complain about a somewhat cheezy Sunday edition, please note that I'm in mourning.

Huh? The Pope? Oh, that's sad, too, but I'm in a funk over Thursday's death, which I just read about, of Frank Purdue.

The whole chicken-eatin' world will be a little off for a while. At least, that'll be my excuse.

Look for a special, Frank Purdue Commemorative Wednesday "Eat it section."

If I still feel like it.

But you're still welcome to look for it, in any event...

A new dilly called "The Minuteman Project" entails private citizens voluntarily patrolling the border for illegal Mexican immigrants. Or, as participants undoubtedly refer to them, "damn wetbacks."

Soon, the U.S. government will outsource all but its most important duties--sports, stray nipples and meddling in life-and-death decisions best left to family members...

One of the glorified karaoke participants on "American Idol"--and, I know, even this nugget isn't rightfully newsworthy--will be allowed to continue in his quest to become a future trivia question despite having a past conviction for domestic violence on his record.

Hey I... Hmmm. I sorta blew this punch-line load on the last nugget. But what the hell:

He just beat another human being, of course. It's not like he lives among the near-fantasy world of pro sports and was taking drugs and hurting nobody but himself or anything...

I have mixed feelings about public access cable TV.

One of my regular part-time gigs entails working for an organization that teaches inner-city school kids to produce their own TV show. For another gig, I host live shows, and appear in-studio, for a cable access show highlighting talented musicians overlooked by the corporate music industry and bringing comedic commentary on issues often untouched upon by mainstream media. And, of course, despite the self-interest, a lot of great things are done in the name of cable access TV.

However... Well, usually when I turn it on, I'm treated to some guy sitting in the dark blathering about Jesus or, more disturbingly, mainstream music videos.

The other night, I saw a Ratt video.

Don't remember Ratt? Lucky bastard.

Anyway, I'm not the type of guy to get nitpicky about exactly where my tax dollars are going concerning things like cable access TV.

But... Ratt?

Unless, of course, this is about maintaining awareness of Ratt and the period of history they inhabited.

You know, a "never forget" kinda thing--as with the Holocaust.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/3/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Wonka Bag

When I went through my separation/divorce last year--and also a bedbug infestation, subsequent romantic comedy gone horribly, terribly wrong, and more--I took comfort in friends, family and a honkin', Halloween-celebratory bag of various Wonka candies.

Like the everlasting gobstoppers in the "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" movie which spawned the Wonka brand, this candy bag seemed magically ever-full. It lasted weeks, and I wasn't skimpin' on my sugar fixes from it.

Recently, I picked up another Wonka bag at the grocery store, to relive the silver lining part of my dark cloud in personal history.

It isn't anywhere near as large as the Halloween version. And it lacks the nerd-filled gumballs. And I was reminded that the folks stuffing the Wonka bags are screw-ups, or just overworked, or something, as the Laffy Taffy lacks flavor variety and skimping often occurs on certain Wonka varieties, in the latest case on Sweet Tarts and Bottle Caps.

But for the rest of my life I just may grab a Wonka bag when I'm feeling down.

Or at least when I make the mistake of hitting the grocery store on an empty stomach with a case of the munchies.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/3/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Inflorescence

Morning is a carving I press along my face,

indulging its warmth across the backs of my hands,

shuddered to a blink of the slow-moving eye

quieting my window, awakening the birds.

I feel its brown-gold heartwood trying to grow up,

but at such a tiny tremble, almost undetected.

Slower than these clocks can read

the calendar that hangs a year.

Clay-frost calla lilies growing near the steps.

They spend their time there forming sipping white spathes

and brilliant tongues that never speak. Never doubt,

never respond.

I think in fact they know much more than they appear.

Drooping bracts weave syllables they catch from the air.

The sun will paint them in a hum of reciprocity

as morning's heartwood cracks apart to grow a sapwood seed.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2005:

If rap is your art and your thing--

the way your expression does sing--

I might spend a dime

on your beats and rhyme

if you shut up 'bout ho's and bling.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

While waiting for a group I was meeting outside a theater the other night, some local riffraff happened by and, after asking me unsuccessfully for money and semi-successfully for the time (he didn't hear my answer, twice, but kept asking until I ignored him), he began trying to mooch the use of a cell phone off of somebody. Anybody.

From a cigar smoker to all you legions of cell phone users, I feel your pain.

In a secondhand way, of course.

And I have to admit that I'm really glad that it's YOUR pain, not mine, in this case.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2005:

For biggest sketch comedy shows

innovative writing just blows.

But in jokes, pop culture

for star-obsessed vultures?

A veritable fountain flows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

I'm merely one wiseass in a long line in noting that Catholics seem almost to enjoy some negative emotions--guilt, sorrow, etc. I mean, c'mon, out of all the symbols Christianity provides, the cross is the most popular--and many homes and churches sport a version showing the J Man in detail, bloodied nails in the flesh and all.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. By itself, anywaqy.

Yet I'm taken aback by the over-the-top displays of sorrow and mourning surrounding the Pope's death. I'm not a big fan of organized religion, but I'll admit that the guy did some exceptional things and that, despite disagreeing with him on some topics, his heart was in the right place, so I don't think sadness is out of place. At the same time, however, I'd surmise that the truly faithful couldn't help but reach the conclusion that the Big P is now most certainly in the best of places, all things considered.

I'm gonna pull a rabbit out of the politician's magic hat here, though, and play "concerned with the children" here because, coupled with the overwhelming saturation of grief, those silly costumes church folk have a propensity for might have some damaging effects.

My newspaper today had a front-cover photo of the pope resting in peace and my first thought was, "Santa's dead!?!"...

While I'm a big fan and cheerleader of guys being decent and nice despite the general female attraction to assholes, I don't wanna mislead others who share my quest. So this nugget is merely in the interest of truth.

Headline in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Scott Peterson Deluged by Female Inquiries."

Ever asked yourself, "Whaddaya gotta kill to get a woman these days?...

Read today that they're making the recent Broadway smash-hit "The Producers" into a movie.

Hmm.

"The Producers" originally WAS a movie. Then it was much later made into a musical.

So now it is being made back into a movie.

A lot of productions in Tinsel Town entail plays remade as movies, or movies becoming remade as TV show, or TV shows remade as movies, or even movies or TV shows remade as newer movies or TV shows.

But this full-circle scheme of "The Producers" is original.

It isn't hard to connect the pop cultural dots and foresee Hollywood's far-reaching, sinister Master Plan...

And this kinda thing's happened before, so maybe it calls for a section of its own. Maybe not. In any event, heeeeere's...

***

A FREUDIAN SLIP OF FATE 4/5/2005:

A story in my newspaper today, about TV comedies, had somehow suffered some erosion in certain printed letters.

Hence, I read some news about a thing called the "sitcorn."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2005:

My cable access went to bat--

tune video, featuring Ratt.

I'm not one to holler

'bout access tax dollar

but now must ask: What's up with THAT?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

A former member of the boy band 98 Degrees is running for major of Cincinnati. And is apparently even being taken seriously.

Now, there's certainly basis for one to argue that I've engaged in "crying wolf" on this front before but, nonetheless... Well, let's just say there simply MUST be more than a mere four Horsemen of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse...

There is a recorded announcement that plays on Chicago public trains and buses announcing some rider "no-no's." And like most announcements deemed important enough to actually be recorded and played at regular intervals, it is virtually impossible NOT to regularly ignore.

Due to a unique confluence of factors and randomness, I paid some attention to that announcement today. I noted that, in addition to a prohibition on smoking, loud radio playing and some other near-no-brainers, it stresses that gambling is not allowed on buses and trains either.

Wouldn't have thought that would necessitate an announcement. But...what?

Secondhand snake eyes?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/6/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Tribute to Frank Purdue

You may have missed it, what with deaths of the biggest celebrities in both the Catholic and the tube-feeding worlds, but Frank Perdue died last Thursday amid all the other hubbub.

Don't cha' love chicken?

Great man.

Had a connection to Salisbury, in Baltimore, too, which reminds me of Salisbury steak.

Love Salisbury steak.

Mmm.

Hmm.

It seemed I'd have more to say when I promised this tribute in the Sunday edition.

But mourn amongst yourselves, in any event.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2005:

McDonald's is seeking to jack

its sales up with refs to Big Mac

in hip-hopper lyrics.

They'll pay to so steer it--

a corp'rate, "ho'", "bling"-filled attack!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

I read a story in the newspaper today about modern hip-hop and... Well, it's sub-head fits the tone: "Young black women are fighting the degrading way females are being portrayed in music videos."

Tossin' about terms like "ho'" and "bitch" relentlessly are evidently good, clean fun. But go actually SHOWING women in a sexy manner and watch out--here comes modern feminism!...

I was told today that I "make good coffee."

That's actually a common phrase, "make good coffee."

It's always puzzled me. But I guess it's leftover from the days before automatic coffeemakers and scoop/measuring devices...

Has anybody else noticed that the same guys nervous about appearing "gay" are the first to jump all over your ass for having a chick in your life even resembling an (icky) GIRLfriend?

Hmm.

In fact, "hmm" on that yourself a bit...

***

CORRECTION 4/7/2005:

In both the April 3 and April 6, 2005 editions of Slappin' and Yappin', late chicken meister Frank Perdue's name was spelled incorrectly.

Slappin' and Yappin' regrets the errors.

***

CORRECTION #2 4/7/2005:

On second thought, Slappin' and Yappin' really couldn't care less about the errors mentioned above.

Well, I guess it could, seeing as it saw fit to correct itself but...

Let's just say it couldn't care MUCH less.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/7/2005:

This hee-haw checks in, referring to yesterday's Limerick (and a recent Slappin' and Yappin') expressing puzzlement over seeing a Ratt video on cable-access TV--you know, a legally mandated outlet for important, alternative expression:

> Replace the Ratt...with the "Fat!"

Actually, I think this is the work of a local Chicago media rabble-rouser playing the poor man's "Baba-Booey," which is pretty pathetic.

Make it "Fatt," though, and you'll be playing the hopelessly-behind-the-times  man's Weird Al Yankovic.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2005:

"Producers" will be made a flick

from the play, which most will find slick.

But it was film first...

How Hollywood thirsts--

to remake forever's the trick.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Thought of a catchphrase for Daily Limerick the other day:

We sold our souls for Tom Foolery.

Start your weekend early...with an extra cheezy Friday edition!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/8/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ferdinand Fox

Ferdinand Fox is a rockin', funk-ish, rollicking good time.

How good a time? Here's a clue: The band used to be known as "Ferdinand Fox and the Woodland Pals," or something like that (I may have botched the actual phrasing).

I hosted a show where they appeared earlier in the week and even their manager, Van, was all over the place. Dancin', cavortin'.

I don't remember the names of any specific songs to refer you to. As usual, their link is on the Sloop's Glantamerous Links section of the site.

I guess that, at one point, the lead singer was considered the titular Mr. Fox. But, now, all band members collectively make up the guy.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it. I have a feeling THEY would, too.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/8/2005:

>REMEMBER the fat cat tax. Do you still have the letter? How are you holding up

>without the snuggle bun?

>

>I got the clock but the alarm don't work.

>

>CW2 ******

>U.S. ARMY

>

>"Fly it until every piece stops moving."

Most of the above letter's references are personal. So there's little reason to publish it, really, other than to show you all that we have a military readership.

I like to imagine our armed forces rising early in the morning, psyching themselves up for dangerous activity...and getting ready to face it all by looking to good ol' reliable Daily Limerick.

So just leave me to my fantasy. Okay?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2005:

In April, when spring weather calls,

from farms to downtown shopping malls

the chicks wear less clothes--

show bellies, and toes!--

I find it like "Viagra Falls."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

There seems to be a downright trend, at this point, involving the pie-ing of conservative speakers at universities and such. Occasionally, it's just a hunk of pie thrown at the target, instead of the full-on pie, which is preferable.

Oh, and sometimes it appears to be another edible missile. For instance, salad dressing was hurled recently I believe at Pat Buchanan.

This is a near-perfect Extra Cheezy Saturday topic, isn't it?

Anyway, I wanted to make sure and touch on this important news topic because my arch-nemesis-columnist-if-he'd-only-notice-I-ve-been-taking-potshots-at-him, Richard Roeper, saw fit to write an entire column calling pie-throwing antics lame and unfunny.

Yet I'm gonna come out and say that a pie in the face is always delightful as far as I'm concerned.

I could go on and on about this, but that's the crust of the matter.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2005:

Now civil unrest, many cry

is often quite pie-in-the-sky.

But I think it's great

that protest, of late

has taken to pie-in-the-eye.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

The FDA is now mandating that various painkillers carry "black boxes" with warnings about side effects and possible dangers.

So that people can ignore the labels and continue to buy and use them. And then turn around and sue because they've been somehow harmed by the painkillers.

It's all part of the cycle of life. Although certainly not as romantic as the birds and the bees...

They're saying that the whole Pope funeral fest is like the "Woodstock of Faith."

And since you know it's happening, I gotta send out e-congrats to any guy managing to get a little love muffin out of something like this...

New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer is now going after Warner Music for payola schemes and otherwise illegally pressuring the radio landscape into practically painting itself with WM offerings.

Just now.

There's a joke in here somewhere including a mad scientist, a rip in the space/time continuum and the History Channel...

Upscale jewelry and high-end fashions designed for yoga and yoga practitioners are all the rage.

But yoga originated out of... You see, the whole philosophy behind it is... Oh, fuck it. Let's just rename it the Verizon Great Wall of China and get it over with, shall we?...

Harvard professor Martin Weitzman was arrested for stealing manure from a local farm.

Oh boy. This one is just about painted with a target, isn't it?

You know, why don't YOU Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers "go there" for a change...

Has anybody else noticed a trend of women proud to announce that they're NOT like typical women?

I suppose there are many incisive and erudite arguments to be made about this trend, its relation to feminism, blah blah blah.

But, hey. As far as I'm concerned, a woman can be as atypical as all hell, short of bearing outdoor plumbing, so to speak.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/10/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Millinery Conversation Piece

I am "The Man in Hat." I mean to write a parody-esque poem out of that but, for now, that's what you get.

I am known for wearing hats. Nice hats. Ninety-nine percent of the time it's my bowler/derby (a little unclear on exactly what it is). See my headshot in Sloop Central, ya' bad clamcake.

I think it stems from the fact that my grandparents used to always buy me hats when I was a child. Mostly silly ones I wouldn't actually wear in public. But it got me in a hat state of mind for good.

Anyway, I get compliments all the time over my hat(s). To be honest, that probably has something to do with my penchant for wearing them, too. But that's of little consequence to today's story.

This weekend, I ran into a loud, obnoxious dope on a train. He was listening to the Cubs home opener on a walkman and blabbing about it, engaging anyone whose eye contact he could snag in primarily one-sided conversation.

He caught me. And, for the first time, he sorta slammed The Hat after realizing I didn't want to indulge him.

He mentioned the hat and soon added, "What, are you trying to live back in the '20s or something?"

Actually, I think he meant a little more recent than that. Perhaps the '40s.

Which, I think, is around the last time the Cubs won a World Series.

Speaking of living in the past.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/10/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

Mike Chmielecki is off running for Pope. He will return next week, after the initial focus groups and such.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2005:

The 'Merican Way is what's brewing

around FDA's recent doings.

Pain drugs: warning labels.

Thus, public is able

to ignore them years 'fore the suings.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Visiting the parents this past weekend, I overheard a news report on my dad's omnipresent-in-the-car news radio about a virus wreaking havoc.

My heart sunk. I could feel the tear ducts in my eyes itching.

Then, I heard something about the virus beginning in Africa and... Soon realized it was a virus attacking PEOPLE.

Whew! Close call. No need to worry about my computer...

Some 6th graders in West Seattle were busted for counterfeiting.

Now this isn't some tale of young'uns tryin' to pass off some laughable crayon/construction paper money, either. They actually made some successful purchases and it wasn't until after the fact, countin' the money made, that the counterfeiting was discovered.

I hesitate to call them young geniuses, however, when considering the fruits, albeit temporary fruits, of their illicit labor: They used the funny money to buy items from their school cafeteria.

Love the sinner, hate the sin...puzzle maddingly over the motive behind the sin.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/11/2005:

> Would you be up for doing another reading of the No News script from last

> week at the Phyllis show on 04/14?  Providing there is a show...still

> searching for someone with a P.A. to bring.

The above was a reply to the e-mail edition of Daily Limerick. Such replies, as you may have guessed, become automatic Letters to the Idiot submissions, whether that's a wise format for the sender's motives or not.

I suppose this is as bad a time as any to remind readers that DL/S&Y does NOT fabricate Letters to the Idiot. We do, however, publish pretty much anything that fits the LttI definition in some manner, however tenuous.

Today's letter is a bit like overhearing a stranger's cell phone conversations. Except that you can choose to ignore the Letter.

Although, if you've gotten this far, you obviously haven't.

Ya' bonelapper.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2005:

Though birthed for Enlight'nment to bring

that yoga's become Celeb Thing--

mystique comes with slimmin';

those like Russell Simmons

see in it excuse to sell bling.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

A Dutch flight to Mexico City today was grounded because it was not allowed to enter U.S. airspace.

Why? It contained two "undesirable people."

Talk about picky. If I'm on any vessel of mass transportation and I only find two undesirables, I consider that a lucky day...

A new survey on cellular phone use and attitudes finds that one in five users have answered their cell during sex.

I try to have maintain hope for the human race. I really do try...

A Letter to the Editor in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times by one Rev. Paprocki lambasts the common sentiment that pharmacists should just do their job and sell all legal forms of birth control regardless of any personal tenets. He even goes on to relate a touching slice-of-life vignette about his father, a pharmacist who refused to sell condoms and a man of principal who worked like a dog to support his nine children.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The story of organized religion, as told through a "Letter to the Editor"...

Read a reference today to a "serial peeping Tom."

He hee.

Which got me to wondering: Was there some really mischievous kid at some point in history named Tom? You go Tom Foolery, peeping Tom, Tom cats fightin' over chick cats all the time--you even got some Tom in the ol' "John THOMas."

Having the birth name of "John," though, I can't shed too many tears for the Toms of the world...

Stop any and all visual art "American Gothic" parodies.

Stop it NOW.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2005:

In reading screech-boy Michael Bolton

once opened for Ozzy, felt joltin':

I, too, join the song,

"Let's all get along"

but peace in this case is revoltin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

The company that makes Bowflex is being sued over said device because it has allegedly caused injuries due to shoddy construction.

With almost nothing in the way of knowledge regarding this particular suit, I'm gonna confidently proclaim that Bowflex is guilty and, what's more, that they did it on purpose.

And I can't say I blame 'em all too much. I didn't think anybody'd ever used one myself, other than as a dirty clothes rack...

An art exhibit at Columbia College Chicago, my alma mater, was subject to a visit by the Feds for including a piece of art depicting Dubya with a gun to his head.

Of course, those involved at the extremely artsy and liberal institution are screaming bloody First Amendment murder over the whole thing.

But I gotta come out and say that I actually think it makes sense for the Feds to look into such a thing as a scenario putting the president in danger. There haven't been arrests or beatings or anything. The show has been allowed to continue. No censorship of any sort.

Still, the belly-achin' has ensued.

I can understand those involved getting agitated over the situation. But I have a hunch they'd be much more agitated if they didn't "unwittingly" spawn this controversy...

If you ever hear talk of a statue being erected in the Chief Limericist's likeness, take note:

I demand that it portray me with cigar and hat (see headshot in Sloop Central). And I highly desire, but do not mandate, that I be holding a fistful o' limerick and that I be ragingly turgid.

Ever the optimist, I suppose...

***

NEWS UPDATE 4/13/2005:

Topic: Banana Nut Loaves

In March in told the tear-jerking tale of the Little Debbie banana nut loaves I neglected to buy--only to find them torn from the shelves by the next evening, never to be stocked again at that store or at any other grocery store convenient to me.

At the time, I waxed of the metaphor for Life itself I'd stumbled upon and its lesson: Seize the banana nut loaves of life when you get the chance, for they might not be there for the seizin' tomorrow.

I thought Little Debbie had canceled the line or something.

Yesterday, I was reunited with my beloved banana nut loaves. Or actually united, as I hadn't even tried them when I got the hankerin'. Or perhaps "untied," as I'd mistakenly typed that at first, much to the delight of you armchair Freuds out there.

Mmm.

Not sure how this affects the weepy metaphor, but there you have it. There's your closure. Now leave me alone.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/13/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pop Bonanza

If you're confused by my Midwesterny use of the term "pop," realize that I mean "soda." Carbonated beverage. Et al.

If you're perturbed by my Midwesterny use of the term "pop"... "Ppppp" to you.

I have to give kudos to the pop industry today. Although I don't like the term "kudos," but feel even sillier tossin' about "mad props" or something, so kudos will have to do for today.

There's a lot of variety in the pop aisle today. Lime Coke. Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Why, I'm just delighted to silly proportions.

But, in munching some Wonka Bottlecaps recently, mixing and matching the flavors, I wondered why I've never seen grape cola.

Hop to it, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who dream of one day being inventors!

Just, well, considering you're Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers... Get supervision from a non-Slapper Yapper Grasshopper before you whip on the test tubes or cogs or whatever you got workin' in that scary garage of yours.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2005:

Heard news of a virus, one day

and started a'freakin'--oy vey!

Then learned, 'twas for humans,

which lifted my gloomin'--

"Thank God my computer's okay!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Saw a reference to a nonprofit organization, one that helps youngsters in some fashion, called the "Dream Teen Foundation."

My first thought was to recommend a name change but, then again, that extra yet accidental Web traffic certainly boosts their hit stats...

In the '50s, I believe, there was a full-on, honkin', media-circus court trial, undoubtedly dubbed the "Trial of the Century" by lazy journalists, known as the "Scopes Monkey Trial."

I'm no expert on the trial, but it entailed somebody named Scopes fighting for the right to teach Evolution in a backward school system, one located in Kansas I believe.

Oh, and the Evolution side won.

Perhaps temporarily. Activist judges and all, you know.

Maybe we need to tweak awareness of the "Scopes Monkey Trial" right around now...

My Chicago Tribune e-mail news update yesterday headlined out, "More speeding cameras."

Wow. The rage is such that even inanimate objects are getting in on it...

In eatin' some treats from a Easter-themed bag of Starburst the other day, I noted that each festive pouch (containing two chews) seemed to contain at least one of lemon flavor.

I was a little perturbed.

Just what the hell's goin' on down at the Starbucks packing plant? I'd guess it's a regular, three-ring, flying citrus...

I've got a new slogan.

Or a new possible, someday slogan--

Daily Limerick: Ridiculosity Incarnate.

Whaddaya think?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2005:

Now Bowflex has some legal woes

its product caused harm unto those

who actually used one

for exercise reasons

and not just to hang dirty clothes.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

The latest salvo in the War on Smokers: Now, lighters are not allowed on airplanes--and that includes as packed luggage.

However, firearms are still allowed.

Still?

This further promotes the shift from government protecting us from the other guy to government protecting us from ourselves.

At least until somebody trumps up some "science" surrounding secondhand gun smoke...

I also just read that smokers are far less likely to develop Parkinson's.

Somehow, as amusing as it all would be, I don't imagine we'll see PSAs about this...

Deck on a "tragic death" story in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Woman Drove Through Gates While Talking on Cell Phone."

Hmm. My (admittedly semi-irrational) anti-cell phone attitudes are thawing, somewhat. Now that I see how they can supplement basic Darwinism...

A "reality" TV show is planned featuring golfer Natalie Gulbis.

Golf and "reality" TV, teaming up?

I didn't think TV'd ever out-stupid "Life According to Jim," but I gotta give Hollywood credit...or, not credit, exactly, but something like that...

"Kebab" is only one letter away from "rehab."

There's gotta be some connection.

Hmm.

Well, both are about equally effective in combating addiction, it would seem...

To anybody out there offended over anything at all:

You're offended, huh? So what?...

Huh?...

***

CORRECTION 4/15/2005:

In the last Sunday Story Time, in musing about a bastard who made a "trying to live in the 40s" crack about my derby/bowler hat, I mentioned that the guy, a Cubs fan, was trying to live in the same time period himself, considering that the last time the Cubs won the World Series was about then.

Well, I was wrong. They actually haven't won since 1907 or 1908.

All of this serves as a fine peg for my Annual Baseball Preview:

The Cubs won't win the World Series. In fact, they will never, ever win the World Series. Or... Well, when (and if) they do, prepare to meet thy maker.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/15/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Guilty Pleasures of an Extra Guilty Sort

I'm sure you've all heard of "guilty pleasures." For those who haven't... Well, be born again or something--literally--and pay attention this time around, 'cause I sure as hell ain't explainin' it.

As this special section has generally focused on music--although there's no rule concerning that focus--I'm talking today about guilty pleasure as it concerns the tunes today.

I'm generally, well, "shameless," I guess you say, in that I cop to most anything that brings me pleasure: Polka, Fat Elvis, porn, you name it. But you may have noticed that I don't talk a helluva lot about The Bedroom. Oh, I'll wax dirty and all, in poetry and in S&Y-like blather, but even when the ol' S&Y Psychiatric Couch was seein' major traffic, I haven't let on too many details concerning how I like throwin' my bone around.

Well, all this is a roundabout way of saying that I have guilty musical pleasures--but I want 'em played during sex.

I've never experimented much with having a soundtrack to sweet love, and my ex-wife thought the idea silly, so this is unexplored to me. But I have a few tracks saved on the ol' laptop just for the lovin'.

And I'm still reticent about giving details, even though I've set this whole damn section up for the detailin'.

So I guess I'll leave you with one: Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Outta My Head."

I'm so darn ashamed. On so many levels. I hope you're satisfied, bastards.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2005:

When I met Maria, realism

of figur'tive light bulb arisen

though mere metaphor

morphed to something more

and, no shit, reeked of wishful jism.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Moroccan Prince Moulay Hassan was circumcised this week.

And in a show of support (?), thousands of families had their boys snake-snipped over a three-day celebration--5,000 in Casablanca alone.

I find this all a little odd. Then again, it's really none of my brisness.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2005:

Though Hillary ain't running yet

that don't mean that her foes can let

that fact bring her slack

and hold off attack--

just can't see no prez with a set.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

So Civil Rights goddess Rosa Parks has reached an out-of-court settlement with Outkast over her lawsuit. She originally filed suit because, evidently, Outkast's use of her name, despite her being a bona fide public figure, was somehow not an acceptable use of Outkast's Civil Rights.

It's all fitting. Sort of. In a way. If you think about it while a bit fuzzy headed.

You see, thanks to the efforts of figures like Parks, today you don't have to be a white man to make a shameless buck off a frivolous, egomaniacal lawsuit.

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 4/17/2005:

Honoring: John Olivo

John Olivo is the manager of a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Texas.

When the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals folks came a'badgering, he didn't grab a podium and nervously prattle on about KFC's "looking into" the way they kill chickens, or promise gifts to some animal-related charity.

He turned the sprinklers on, full-bore, drenching the bastards...er, the activists.

DL/S&Y must applaud the efforts of anyone refusing to take the typical way out of such situations--bowing to any pressure, no matter how off-its-nut, spewed forth from various sects of the Church of Political Correctness.

The story has, in other ways, renewed hope for the human race among the, er, "staff" at Daily Limerick. People actually showed up to distribute anti-PETA literature!

So this award, or e-award, goes out to John Olivo--with a footnote recognizing the good people of Brownsville, Texas, for their efforts in the face of militant Political Correctness.

This can be an isolated story, or it can be a call to arms, of sorts, heralding a movement whereby society at large seeks to take our culture back from the P.C. terrorists.

Isolated incident... Or just one of the first drops (of grease) in the bucket?...

Yeesh.

Hey--if YOU've got a better capper, by all means, send it in.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/17/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Poster Man for Commuter Train Riffraff

I'm a public transport kinda guy.

I haven't owned a car in about thirteen years. And, with the exception of a year in Los Angeles (especially tough for the public trans set), I've lived in the City of Chicago for the entire car-free period. I've gotten by in Chicago without any major problems through subways, "el" trains, buses, regional trains (to visit the Ps in the suburbs, for instance) and the occasional car rental.

As you can imagine, the public trans usage would bring more than my fair share of riffraff to my life by itself (and it doesn't end there, but that's another story). But, as you might not imagine, much of the most memorable riffraff has been met on the commuter trains--those to and from the city/suburbs and often assumed a bit more "upscale."

I touched on one such character last Sunday. And I'm tempted to talk about the suffocation fetishist or the guy pissin' between train cars despite the fact that the trains came replete with washrooms but...by far the most interesting was the (newly ex-) con.

You see... Well, I have a Stand-Up Poem called "Nut Magnet." Oh, I attract 'em, alright. And one day a bushy-mustached, semi-long feathered haired gentleman, of sorts, plopped down in the seat in front of me on a suburban-bound train and engaged me in conversation.

He didn't hide the fact that he'd just gotten out of prison. In fact, he brought it up almost immediately.

He never mentioned why he went up the river. Which was just as well, because I felt I didn't want to know.

Anyway, in between unwelcome musings, he lit up a cigarette. On the train. This was the 1990s.

Of course, somebody cries bloody secondhand murder. The (newly ex-) con is spurred into a counter-freakout off the PC Warrior's freakout.

See, the (newly ex-) con didn't know smoking was now unallowed on general commuter trains.

Meaning he'd been in the clink for some time.

Meaning he'd likely done something to warrant being in the clink for some time.

And considering all the particulars, I kinda wished the PC disciple would've met a different, yet not altogether out of the realms of probability, fate.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/17/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: The tale of the dragon

I flossed the meat from her teeth, using

my spoon as a mirror, a length of

fence wire, gently.

She let me sleep at the base of her spine;

when the cave became cold, I would warm myself

wrapped under one of her wings.

Whenever I spoke to her -- which was often,

because I enjoyed the way she tilted her head

or scratched the floor of the cave, or stood

and turned and stretched her wings -- I made sure

to look into her eyes. Before this time,

I had slept in a courtyard. I was

the kingdom idiot, an easy joke to salve the weary

of their labor and strife. When she came it

had been awful: a girl I loved from afar

had been killed in her thunder. Watching

the moon from the parapet, sighing prettily

to herself. The dragon came and knocked the

place flat. The whole kingdom burning with such heat

I barely escaped with my skin. I still remember

the girl, Selvyn, falling. Quicker than you can imagine.

Right on her head. Nothing graceful in that.

The whole kingdom was routed, ashen. The throne

itself splintered on the muddy street when the dragon

smashed through the walls, heeding no arrows

nor hot oil, nor stones. She tore into the palace

with calculation, and then, she turned and fled.

The king was furious. He lined up

his remaining knights and had them rush off

to find this beast. Such chaos!

I remember laughing at the solemnity of the moment,

and since I was the idiot, no one put me in chains.

But I was rebuked. The knights came back three days later,

in the midst of reconstruction --

I don't think they liked not being the focal point of attention.

How can you expect "Sire, important news!" to strike when all around

people are burying their dead, lifting heavy bricks, hammering away

to make their walled city inhabitable? Worse, there was no

important news. The knights had looked all over the valley,

all through the forest, all the way up to the base of the mountain!

No dragon. If it weren't for the ruin around them,

everybody would probably think they had imagined the beast.

The king hung his head, then turned away to direct the rebuilding

of his kingdom.

I thought. What if I went ahead and found this beast,

and avenged the king? Of course I would be able to find her,

because I thought differently than those fool knights. I knew

the king did not much care for the news that no dragon was found;

he needed a symbol to remind his people that his justice

was quick, and deadly. I offered my services. "You?"

the king frowned. "You have but one change of clothes,

and hardly any wits about you!" He slowly smiled. "If my adviser

had not been killed three days ago I would probably have you

hanged, out of amusement. But too much blood is still on my ground.

So go, idiot! Go and avenge my kingdom!"

I waited no longer, and set out to find her.

She was sleeping in a trench by the river, near a maple deadfall,

pasted in wet leaves. She was bleeding, and her breath

was ragged. I approached her glistening, bloody belly

and started packing river mud onto the wound. She did not awake;

she was that sick. Stupid knights! They hadn't even looked this

way, judging by the lack of footprints. I built a little fire

a ways from the dragon, cooked a rabbit I caught,

looked for any sign in the entrails, then slept by the coals.

The next morning, the dragon was still sick. It took her eight days

to be brought back to health, and she was very weak. I

brought her food, and talked softly to her, and I think

it was the fact I was not afraid of her that she didn't kill me,

and was not startled. When she was well enough to walk,

I walked with her along the banks of the river. We never

came across anyone, because the river was considered cursed.

Some old crone's doing. I'm sure her ghost was quite pleased,

having never been forgotten! Once the dragon began to fly, I followed her,

walking, at a distance. Until the day she took me with her,

waiting for me to climb her great ridged back. I held on

and she ran into the air. I could feel her muscles moving her wings,

and took in the brightness and freshness and coolness of the evening dark.

I stayed with that dragon, at her cave, feeding her and being fed

by her, talking to her and sleeping in her keeping, until the day I had

a long, unkempt beard, and then that beard was grey. One morning I woke

shivering.

Her wing, old and heavy and no longer warmed by her pulse, along me.

I crawled out from under it and walked to her head. I looked sadly into her

dim,

golden eyes. She was dead.

Having avenged my king, I exited the cave.

I walked with a limp back to the river where I had first met her.

I listened to the water, concentrating on it, on joining that stream

of clear rushing fluid, until I freed myself of any further thought.

Orchids were coming in further up the bank.

Swallows were singing in the trees.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2005:

Now Rosa Parks sued Outkast, see

for harming her proud legacy

through song in her name

but mild was defame--

forgotten with settlement fee.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Read about an upcoming sex advice "reality" TV show and some of the participants this last weekend.

Took special interest in "Grace," who has been searching for the "perfect orgasm" all her life.

Grace also "saved" herself for marriage. Which, it takes an entity like DL/S&Y to point out, is a philosophy that kinda undercuts the big search.

A P.C.-unpopular thing to point out, I suppose. Curiously, however, an auto columnist can recommend test driving cars before buying them without fear of causing offense.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2005:

So now that the pope is dubbed "late"

those cheezy-prone masses--must sate!

So Bradford Exchange

already's arranged

a pope-themed commem'rative plate.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Headline happened upon over the weekend:

"America is Over-Medicating, Some Say."

Don't worry. Now that this problem is being noted, it'll soon be given its own disorder name. And once that happens, they'll quickly market a pill for it...

S&Y really didn't intend to pursue a continue investigation into the Bling-ification of yoga, but here's another nugget in that vein:

Russell Simmons is now shilling a yoga video with a hip-hop soundtrack.

And yet, he went out of his way to mention, of yoga, that "It's really about silence...you've got to use your breath as the real soundtrack."

As long as you keep that in the back of your mind, feel free to incorporate ho's and bling into your own interpretation of the ancient practice.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2005:

Now science won't leave us alone--

soon pets you'll be able to clone.

It once was pure friend

but the latest trend

is stuff that annoys--like cell phones.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

The American Heart Association's official publication, Circulation, went way the hell out on a limb and advised that toddlers receive at least one hour of play per day. For many reasons, but especially to combat the early onslaught of obesity.

Evidently, parents need to be told this and, even stranger, some toddlers don't play for at least an hour each day.

It has taken until this long for medical folk to announce this innovative fix, however. Meaning that, somewhere, a lawyer grins and does a bit of research into makers of those addictive children's DVDs...

There's a movement--yeah, that's the right word--seeking to retroactively prove that Abraham Lincoln was gay.

Undoubtedly the same crew maintaining that Ernest Hemingway and other late celebrities were homosexual.

Religion, political correctness; potato, potahto. Nice attempt at originality, folks, but the Mormons have been Christening dead folks for over a century...

Monday Night Football will be moving from network TV to ESPN for 2006.

Sure, pay TV (cable) isn't some obscure outlet these days. Nonetheless, it's another nail in the coffin of "pro sports as blue collar," despite the fact that few will notice as they plan the family trip to the stadium, starting with that home equity loan...

It seems every celebrity, and every "celebrity," too, is jockeying to make a special guest appearance on "Desperate Housewives."

What do they think DH is? "Will & Grace"?...

It's becoming almost an everyday occurrence: I see some clod on public transportation actually sleeping.

I personally can't imagine doing that. Who knows where you'll wake up? Who knows what aims the seedier public trans folk might have for a sleeping moron? I know just how much attention and/or effort the typical bus driver/train operator/passenger gives toward the welfare of others.

I guess Darwinism finds its way into civilization as well as nature.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/20/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: What to Serve with Salisbury Steak?

As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, DL/S&Y is fearless when it comes to taking a stand on the most controversial of issues.

So prepare to possibly be offended, or skip the rest of today's "Eat It!" section.

Mashed potatoes and corn? Blasphemy.

Salisbury steak should be served with buttered noodles. Perhaps mac and cheeze, but even that is frowned upon.

The very foundation of our society depends on Salisbury steak being served with buttered noodles.

Well, perhaps I exaggerate.

But, you gotta admit, seeing a powerful threat in mashed potatoes and corn makes every bit as much sense as seeing one in something like, say, gay marriage.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2005:

So some now say Lincoln was gay

which, if true, to me'd be okay.

But evidence?... Shaky.

Hist'ry in re-making!

(But he died in theater, must say.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Oh, is there a lot to be said about the late pope, the new pope, the Catholic Church, the good deeds of the late pope, the clash of old-fashioned Vatican values and the modern world... But I ain't goin' there.

I trust you'll be able to hunt up some commentary on the topic(s). Unless, of course, you're comatose and living via feeding tube. In which case you're probably not reading this, anyway.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2005:

Poll finds half of U.S. agrees

with "tsk, tsk" of the FCC.

Since it's hard to make

Democracy take

we'll meet half-way, and grow less free.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Today's top story:

A man in England, while driving in his car, was hit and injured by a flying, frozen sausage.

I've seen no follow-ups to the initial story. Unsure where the sausage came from, whether it was accidentally or purposefully turned into a missile... There are many details I'm craving here.

Now, I know that stuff like Pope Fest and the Michael Jackson trial are of interest to millions but, as long as the Media's gonna engage in overkill, I wish somebody'd let ME pick which stories to pound into the ground, at least for a day...

The government has come out with a new Food Pyramid!

This one's called MyPyramid and it even has a guy headed up the stairs on its side to show us all that exercise is good.

Many are confused by this new version. The food groups run in bands of varying widths VERTICALLY, although I believe the point of picking a pyramid to begin with was the fact that, horizontally, the food groups would be laid out in naturally varying widths.

Oh, and MyPyramid's multi-colored, too.

Seemingly nonsensical sideways design? A plethora of colors? An overall air of confusion?

Government agencies are sure getting predictable. Any guesses as to how they'll work duct tape and plastic sheeting into this?...

A new Abraham Lincoln library/museum was officially dedicated this week in downstate Illinois. Bush and all sorts of VIPs were there, as well as Lincoln impersonators from around the world.

I even saw a photo showing a whole group of those Lincoln impersonators.

I guess an event like this is their temporary Vegas...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I tend to beat a decomposing horse as it concerns ranting about secondhand smoke "science" and the tobacco-centered Reefer Madness II.

Today, however, I'm going to applaud Cherry Red, a Chicago bar, and its institution of a "no smoking night."

That may come as a shock to SYGs. But there's a key difference here: The bar is voluntarily deciding to do this instead of being forced into it by Big Mother.

Arguments in favor of Militant Political Correctism commonly focus on the theory that bars won't suffer financially--that there is a market for nonsmoking bars and that there are nonsmoking bar patrons who'll tip as well and stay as long as the smokers, who tend to be taverns' bread-and butter-customers.

So I applaud somebody using a form of that pesky, un-P.C. scientific method and testing this out--if the common assumptions are true, this should pan out well for Cherry Red and other establishments will follow its lead. Therefore, the alleged enormous unserved demographic will have its nightlife outlets and the naysayers can keep their traditional hang-outs as they like 'em.

I nonetheless feel I'm playing hopeless optimist here. P.C.ers aren't too happy about the idea of the public having choices about their health... 

And now, the (kinda lame) Feature That Will Not Die...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 4/22/2005:

Robert Wood Johnson...

(I think maybe the feature works better without additional S&Y commentary.)

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/22/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Power of Elvis

Okay, I've focused a bit much on Elvis in this section, but let this be the end of it. For now. Until his death anniversary, anyway, perhaps. Couple things:

The slow part in "Suspicious Minds"? Where E's singing, "...dry the tears in your eyes"? Perhaps the single hurtin'-est moment in Elvis history (see previous "Pull-Out" section on "The Hurtin' Elvis").

And a story of that titular Power of Elvis--

One day, I called a friend of mine, figuring I'd probably get his answering machine, and blared Elvis' "Burnin' Love" over the phone. ("Burnin' Love," although upbeat, has some of the magic inherent in Fat Elvis and his Hurtin' Period.) Got a chuckle out of it.

Later, said friend told me he was in the middle of a big fight with his woman when I'd called. The two were in a silent phase, stewing separately on the couch, when the phone rang.

My friend Chris was in a terrible mood at that time. Until he heard the delightful strains of "Burnin' Love"--into the first chorus!--coming from his call screening device.

That, my friends, is the power of Elvis.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2005:

A man thought he'd landed a threesome

though both chicks just planned to full tease him.

Still, wrestlin' around

shot load 'tween four mounds

'cause, forehand, convinced them to grease 'em.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

TOMMOROW, in the Chicago Sun-Times (www.suntimes.com), Quick Takes, the finest column on earth, will undoubtedly (90 percent chance) mention Daily Limerick...

I missed it.

I missed Earth Day.

'Twas yesterday.

And I much prefer Arbor Day, myself. As does the state of Nebraska, which proudly proclaims when you enter it at certain points, "Home of Arbor Day."

Although the rest of the nation seems to have forgotten Arbor Day.

C'mon, the guy who started Earth Day was a murderer. The Unicorn Killer, I believe.

And Arbor Day already has a Peanuts special.

So let's start a movement here.

Or at least HAVE a movement, and think about good ol' Arbor Day...

Welcome, new Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, to the Extra Cheezy Satuday edition of Daily Limerick (just like the Big Boys do)!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2005:

The latest Congressional ravings

call to lengthen our Daylight Savings.

Somehow'd, save on oil--

and cause less turmoil

than tackling our glutt'nous gas cravings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Daily Limerick is mentioned in today's edition of the Chicago Sun-Times (www.suntimes.com). The mention occurs in the finest newspaper column around today, Quick Takes...

Medical researchers, in piddling around with lab mice, or rats, or PETA members, or what-have-you, postulate that inducing a state similar to hibernation in human beings could save lives under certain conditions.

So far, the most likely method for greatly slowing mental and physical bodily functions toward such purpose would be via freezing.

I'd suggest they look into giving patients a shopping cart and a cell phone...

An Associated Press-AOL poll surveyed Americans on various topics surrounding the elevated cost of gasoline.

When asked to assign blame for the prices, the biggest villain cited was oil firms (29 percent), followed by foreign governments, politicians, "environmentalists seeking to limit oil production" and "people who drive gas-guzzling vehicles."

Evidently, supply and demand, the fact that there's only a finite supply of the stuff and we're using more every day, hardly figures into the equation.

So, really, medical researchers, we just need to work on how to slow our physical functions, at this point...

It seems these darn kids today are getting buzzed less and less on illegal drugs and more and more on legal pharmaceuticals. In fact, some have dubbed today's teens, "Generation Rx."

And since it's likely that kids obtain such drugs from their parents, the generation might more properly be called "Generation Oedipus Rx."

Which is an admittedly lame gag.

But admit it: You chuckled.

It was the kind of chuckle followed by a quick groan, of course, but a chuckle nonetheless...

With all the importance attributed to "diversity" and "inclusiveness" these days, one entire industry isn't getting its due.

It's a business that offers opportunity to all. Men and women. Lesbians and gays. The obese and the anorexic. Why, it has a place for you if you're missing limbs or a midget or... You name it.

I'm talking about porn.

Well. It's TRUE, isn't it?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/24/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Day I Set My Friend on Fire

It isn't every day you set someone on fire. Which is good. Very, very good. But I digress.

In high school, some friends and I were in a band. We'd practice at Chris the guitar player's house, mostly in his lil' "music study," and when we'd break, we'd hang in his bedroom, have a smoke (of various sorts) and discuss whatever needed discussing for a band that never graduated beyond cover tunes and really only ever played one gig.

During one such rehearsal break, I was seated low to the floor in a beanbag chair and my friend Bill the singer was seated on the edge of Chris' bed next to me, putting me about face level with his knee. He was wearing holey jeans and tufts of stringy fringes surrounded said exposed knee.

As usual, I was a bit voluntarily addled. So I got to staring at the fringes.

For amusement purposes, I took a lighter and lit just one fringe... Then snuffed it out between my fingers. Entertained, I did it to another fringe. And another. And... Well, it was the Day I Set My Friend on Fire, you see.

Lighting just one fringe wasn't so easy. Perhaps inevitably, a small cluster went up, thanks to my Tom Foolery. I waved air in front of the flicker, blew on it, but it only grew. When the flames grew to, oh, about the size of a large orange, my friend noted his state of combustion and, justifiably, became alarmed.

He stood and did what I found to be a comical dance. It took a moment, but he successful put the fire out.

Then, he gave me a rather dirty look and hit me in the shoulder. Out of habit, I hit him back--but immediately apologized, deeming his punch acceptable behavior, given the circumstances.

And there's a market for only CHILDproof lighters?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/24/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Rising from death

I came up from a long sleep and tried to write

a poem, a song to my surroundings, and nothing

came out. This led me to conclude that poems

are not natural things -- they are led by

fiery red leads, they do not stoop at a brook

to catch a rivulet in their hands (one from

the main flow, you know, the way water separates

into strands when your hands become the outcroppings).

Then I thought why is it I never see leaves in the snow?

Then I wondered of the brown dried crumbs of past trees,

this mulch too old to make a sound beneath my lessened weight,

as I tread my way to wakefulness.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2005:

Now Anna Ayala does linger

on news scene--she's proved quite a clinger.

But we'll soon forget her

brain space away frittered

for givin' ol' Wendy's the finger.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

If any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers read the Chicago Sun-Times' "Quick Takes" column yesterday--possibly because, oh, someone clued you in that it'd contain a mention of Daily Limerick--you know that I was issued a form of "Limerick Challenge," specifically to write a limerick including mention of QT and of Nantucket.

So here's my answer to the challenge:

If QT would visit Nantucket

his glee'd grow so thick, you could pluck it

for could say he knew

if limericks were true--

if so, town has sleaze by the bucket...

Wow. You get TWO limericks today. Pinch yourselves!...

Aw, don't pinch yourselves THERE...

Read this last weekend that Zooey Deschanel, an actress, was the only one on the set of the upcoming movie "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" to qualify as a self-described "Hitchhiker's Guide" geek.

And this was including not only actors--used to taking roles from stories they previously knew nothing about--but also the director and other "minds" behind the flick.

Why, oh why, do you so often hear that "the book was so much better than the movie"?...

For those looking for clues as to the Man Behind the Limerick, and how the real person matches up to the Glantamerous (semi-) public persona, here's a clue I learned of recently:

I was born the same year the Big Mac was born.

Glad I read of that. Previously, I could only mention insignificant milestones, like the Summer of Love (doubt you've heard of it).

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/25/2005:

Daily Limerick's mention in the Chicago Sun-Times Sunday has, so far, spurred on letter:

> The secret elections that QT held on July 12, 2004, were so secret that,

> as Poet Laureate in QT's shadow cabinet, I was unaware that John "Sloop"

> Biederman was named Secretary-designate of the Department of Nuclear,

> Mayonnaise and Poetry Security.  I think that such a conflict is keeping

> internal security too tight.

>

> As a poet, I can see why "Sloop" has not coupled QT and Nantucket into a

> limerick.  QT is a man, Nantucket is an island, and as John Donne wrote

> "No man is an island..."

>

> If, however, you want a New England style limerick, I offer the

> following:

>

> A woman who worked in Woonsocket

> Kept sexual toys in her pocket

>    When asked on their use,

>    She made no excuse,

> Just said, "Ain't tried it, don't knock it!"

>

> David Sher, Poet Laureate

> Skokie, IL

>

> p.s.  I also write haikus

As to much of the above rambling, I guess you just have to see the Sun-Times column.

And, of course, see Slappin' and Yappin', above, regarding the "impossibility" of working both "QT" and "Nantucket" into a limerick. Nice attempt to get John Donne on your side, though.

However, I don't think that "Nantucket" is a popular haiku term, but maybe that's why I haven't stumbled upon the Daily Haiku Web site.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2005:

How's teens today's buzz craving flex?

Why, they've now been dubbed "Gen Rx."

Makes sense, what they're darin'

'cause meanwhile, their parents

are putting the "Rx" in "sex"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

I was gonna do a whole "Pulp-Fictiony" thing today.

That is, here in S&Y, I was going to "answer" Part II of the Limerick challenge (see "Letters to the Idiot" below) first, and they go backward in time, so to speak, to bring you the letter that spawned the new challenge.

You see... Hmm.

You know, if I resist the urge to describe things further for you in S&Y, you'll pretty much have to read "Letters to the Idiot" to make sense of it all. (And, actually, even that might not help.)

So I guess I'm pulling off the Pulp Fictiony thing after all! Sorta.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/26/2005:

For those of you who have been following the media soap opera that DL/S&Y/LTTI has become, the Sun-Times' Zay Smith writes in with this, in answer to yesterday's answer to the "Limerick Challenge":

>thanks. i am a fan of your limericks, but i don't quite get thisone. Are

>there any words missing? thanks again.

I don't know what excites me more--the fact that Quick Takes is allegedly a fan or the fact that I get to spotlight a grammatical error from the Wizard of QT.

But, you see, the originally intended "Pulp Fictiony" thing would've become apparent about here, if you had read my reply to this reply-to-a-reply first.

Confused? Well, then it's extra Pulp Fictiony. In fact, that's why I chose the PF as the descriptor--I know Tarantino, etc. didn't event the "backward story" format, but only the extra confusing angle added to it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2005:

Our government--it wouldn't kid

releasing new food pyramid

with confusion loaded--

band widths, color-coded--

synched-up with what Homeland Sec. did!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Much hubbub has been made over Dubya and Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah holding hands at his Crawford, Texas ranch. (Turns out, it's an Arab cultural thing.)

Why the hubbub? Because it's blatantly symbolic of ridiculously close, oil-induced ties to what's perhaps the world's premier terrorist exporting nation?

Please. The American people don't entertain hubbub over such silly things. They engage hubbub, in this case, because it looks kinda gay...

Speaking of our Axis of... Er, speaking of our Coalition, Italian Media Dictator/Premier Silvio Berlusconi, an ardent Iraq War supporter, skipped a march on Monday to commemorate the start of the WWII uprising taking the fascists out of power in Italy.

No hubbub, of course. So far, Bush has refrained from the European cultural thing whereby men, women--whoever--greet one another with kisses to each cheek.

See how that works? No homo? No hubbub!...

Returning to the Limerick Challenge saga...

When we last left our hero, he'd answered Quick Take's "Limerick Challenge"--and yet the QT Grand Poobah, Zay Smith, found it confusing. And he was probably right.

So, take two:

QT's shadow admin is stuck. It

must hide undisclosed in Nantucket

and town's gotten boring

'cause they've been off-shoring

their sex antics--hot trend, can't buck it.

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 4/27/2005:

Albert Wing III.

This guy happened to get hit by an airplane--while parachuting.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/27/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: All Hail Tater Tots!

If you haven't had tater tots since the school lunchroom, I urge you to make 'em at home.

I actually had fresh made tater tots at a barbecue restaurant once, but I haven't tried that myself. You can pick 'em up frozen from any grocery store of any appreciable size, though, in my experience.

Who invented the tater tot, by the way? (I'm assuming he/she invented tater totS, however--for what good is a single tot?) Why aren't we giving school kids and government workers the day off for THAT hero's birthday?

Tater tots: They ain't just for school lunches anymore.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/27/2005:

This joker, who latched onto the Slapper Yapper Grasshopper train after DL's appearance in last Sunday's Sun-Times (and seems intent on taking over the refreshment car), checks in with yet ANOTHER limerick:

>An expert on haikus named Ichi

>decided on limericks to switchi.

>But changing her meter

>did much to defeat her

>which left her decidedly bitchi.

And with that, we're gonna have to cut Mr. David Sher off with the limerick submission thing.

This here site's not big enough for two limericists.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2005:

Celebs jockey hard for a place

on "Desp'rate Housewives" to show face

as if damn guest stars

are always at large--

what do they think? It's "Will & Grace"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Now that we're amid a shake-up, with a new Homeland Security guy and all, the department is considering making those color-coded Terror Alerts "optional."

Let's put all of this in perspective, 'cause I'm gonna pull a hand muscle scratching my head otherwise:

This is the department created in reaction to the Sept. 11 attacks to keep the nation safe.

It has created the colorful system of Terror Alerts. Might I add, the colors vaguely follow the "ROY G. BIV" ordering of colors, as they come out of a prism...but they even screw that up, switching the proper spots for Green and Blue. You may call that a quibble but... It's common knowledge, you know they have at least a dozen people looking at every proposal and document... [Shiver at will.] Anyway.

It has recommended the purchase of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect against biological and/or chemical weapon attacks, despite near-unanimous opinion among "experts" that such measures, to paraphrase, don't do dick.

Now... The Terror Alert system may be declared "optional"? There's scores of bureaucrats, politicians, nepotists, what-have-you, working full-time, for fancy wages mind you, and... THIS is the best they can come up with? Killing the Terror Alerts would make more sense. Hell, keeping the Terror Alerts would make more sense. I... Iiii... Iiiieeeiiii... Ahem.

I get it. Someone from the Bush Team is gonna come out and say we've all been "Punk'd" or something, right?...

Today is National Kiss Day.

You're supposed to just walk up and kiss someone you have a crush on.

I didn't know about this "holiday" until yesterday. And I'd been planning for some time to be working from home today. In actuality, working from home and cleaning.

It's a tempting proposition for many, I'm sure, the idea of taking a good long stroll tomorrow.

But I smell lawyers...

Liz Armstrong, of the Chicago Reader, penned a review in last Friday's edition that actually referred to Moby as a "bad boy."

And every parent's worst fear is their child, in this day and age, turning out like DENNIS THE MENACE!!!...

Caroline Marcil, evidently a singer of some fame who landed a gig singing respective national anthems for a U.S. vs. Canada hockey game, forgot the lyrics to "The Banner" twice, ran from center rink to the booth to get a copy of the lyrics, then fell smack on her ass. Her great big ass, I'll add.

Saw a picture of her sprawled out on the ice. It was funny.

The editorial process is never-ending here at Daily Limerick and there are times we actually cut an entire nugget out of S&Y after writing it.

And there are times when we ponder that decision a bit and still leave a nugget in...

More important than being young at heart? Being young at loins!

I'm both.

Let's move on...

And it appears that this section comes in waves...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 4/28/2005:

Jamal Strong.

Pro baseball player with the Seattle Mariners. Busted for 'roids.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/28/2005:

Concerning yesterday's Limerick, which explored the new, government Food Pyramid that'll make us all trim 'n' healthy:

> My stomach is on orange alert.

And if that makes you at all queasy, take comfort: It's only "optional."

And then... Aw, this guy again:

> Don't mean to compete, but your use of the term "limericist" reminds me

> of one I wrote some twenty-odd (and I do mean Odd!) years ago, to answer

> an invitation which was written in the form of a limerick.

>

> A limericist's work is ephemeral

> Although it may be quite Ahem!-eral

>    But trying to rhyme

>    Five lines at a time

> Will cause me to take a Demerol

>

> Point no.2:  I am sure that you recall the item about singing Frost's

> "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" to the tune of "Hernando's

> Hideaway", and Shakespearean heroic couplets to any American three-line

> blues tune.  FYI, there are at least three tunes in the limerick meter:

> "The Chivalrous Shark", "My Name is John Wellington Wells" from Gilbert &

> Sullivan's "The Sorcerer", and the chorus to "Celito Lindo".  Didn't

> think that QT should be confused by this.

>

>

> Dave             W9LYA

> What wrought doG hath?

First off... What the hell's goin' on with "W9LYA"?

Secondly, ya' bastard, stop sending limericks! I know, I threatened to stop printing 'em, but this one was good, and it made an overall "point"--or at least enough of one by LTTI standards... But I mean it, this time.

Thirdly, you called me "QT." This is DL.

Unless you're tossin' about IM lingo, in which case... Aw, shucks. Knew that headshot would cause me trouble.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2005:

Now Homeland Security might,

to make its Alert system "right"

make it "optional"

so that it fulfills

goal of mass confusion's new heights.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

Don't know why I'm just getting around to mentioning this now, but... Michael Jackson.

Lived separate and apart from his former wife, the one who was recently on the stand.

Conceived his spawn through artificial insemination.

Now, I know the legal system has to go through all sorts of hoops to "prove" things, but if I were the judge:

"The defendant is beyond a reasonable doubt NOT attracted to adult women; now you just gotta prove the 'kidding around' thing, counsel"...

Reportedly, Al Gore is now considering another presidential run in 2008.

Good news for voters who found John Kerry not quite wishy-washy and message-less enough...

Kim Cattrall, the most annoying "Sex and the City" girl (and that's really saying something) is in trouble with Bacardi rum, which is paying her to be a spokes-shill.

Turns out she recently told some fluff magazine that she "isn't a big drinker." Oh, and an old interview was rounded up in which she claimed to NEVER drink or use drugs.

Luckily, most of the American populace who gives a shit probably won't read the story--and it won't make "Access Hollywood" or "ET," in all likelihood--so the belief that stars endorse things because they love 'em, and that use of such products will transform fans' pathetic asses into something more like those of said stars, will remain intact, avoiding widespread panic for now...

Read today of a "supermodel coach."

There are jobs out there, un- and underemployed Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. You sometimes just gotta throw out all logic and common sense to fabricate one for yourself...

And advice column yesterday, specifically the Chicago Sun-Times' "Ask Ellie," contained a letter by a man complaining that his pregnant wife was acting weird to him.

The ideal reply would have been "duh!" giving the situation the benefit of the gargantuan doubt. But Ellie advised him to seek couples counseling.

I know, I know... I've pointed out the two-sided-parasitic relationship between advice columnists and the counseling industry on more than one occasion in the past. So instead focus on the letter writer.

But don't do it for TOO long. Even if it defies logic, hope for the human race is essential to your own mental well-being.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/29/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Capital Eye

Capital Eye is... Grungy/punky/metally--call it what you will. Hard and rockin' Kinda like my...brownies I made for a high school class potluck, wherein I misguidedly used marshmallows in the recipe. Uh-huh.

And the singer? Alyssa? (SIC?--hope not, and if so, sorry, babe.) Short and small, hotter than shit and full of energy. With a helluva voice, on top of it.

And she was also very nice. At the show I hosted wherein I first heard Capital Eye, there were some problems with the sound man--and she was sympathetic. Hosts usually don't get ANY empathy, for ANYTHING, but... Lest I wax more like some sorta spawn of Rodney Dangerfield, I'll leave it at that.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2005:

There once was a kinky ol' rube

in case of sex, he carried lube.

What's THAT all about?

Why, when he'd pull out

he'd cum humping cheeks, feet or boobs.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2005:

April showers bring May flowers...and Google-ability. DL's been finally submitted to search engines; five and a half years of archives are up; the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' along with the rest of the site--and Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is nationally syndicated (more info below)! April doesn't have its rep for nothin', so Get Wet with Daily Limerick!...

A "See Inside"-type headline in the latest Chicago Reader draws attention to a story inside about "Art for the Homeless."

Sure enough, there is an art show, of sorts, here in Chicago. And at least for a little while, homeless people get to live under it, in an alley or something.

After all, what good is that silly food without a looks-like-junk, "found-object, multimedia" display to make one feel cultured?

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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