Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2005:

First hearing lament of "The Drought,"

"I hear ya'!" I wanted to shout,

"Our summer flick's? Slop!"--

then learned it was crops

of which they were talking about.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Despite the existence of scientifically valid reasons for adding a "leap second" here and there to our standard time (nature doesn't always conform to the hard and fast exactitude we humans demand), the U.S. government is proposing making days exactly 24 hours.

In case you couldn't guess, this will save Big Business a lot of money. These leap seconds cause all sorts of consternation for software makers, etc.

So, you got this?: Going against the grain of science and fact, all for the purpose of profit, at the expense of some future generation down the line (who would end up bearing the brunt of the consternation brought by many leap seconds at once)?

Hey--isn't that last paragraph part of the Dubya-infused Republican Party Platform now, come to think of it?...

Since September 11, 2001, "respect" for Islam has been on the rise among the general American populace, according to polls, surveys and studies.

Now, I'm not the prejudicial sort--I think all organized religions are equally ridiculous--but this sure sets a lovely precedent for modern civil rights activists of all stripes, if you think about it...

Lawmakers in Argentina may be forcing clothing makers to carry larger sizes.

For those not in the know (aka "guys"), much women's clothing isn't available in more, er, Dove model sizes.

And so, to improve girls' and women's body images... Really Big Government.

On a personal level, I predict, in the near future, my becoming a "political orphan."

I've already went from "liberal" to "leaning liberal." Where the hell am I to go from here?

Having yet another glimpse into the future of Liberalism, perhaps "politically homeless" makes more sense...

And if we're open to giving the government a say in society's concept of Beauty, are we really prepared for middle-aged male, white-haired, suit-wearing runway models?

***

MONDAY "PASSING GAS" AUTO SECTION 8/1/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Only Edition

That's right. Despite my conviction to half-assedly mimic the Big Boy Publications, I refuse to do a regular "auto" section.

But I couldn't pass this one up.

I'm imagining a new car model. It's a red, convertible sports car:

The Ford Mid-Life Crisis...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/1/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Circumcision Haiku

Work ethic alike

Carpenter, tailor, mohel

Measure twice, cut once

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2005:

Fundamentalists, once again

bash Harry Potter to no end.

Black Magic? Misleading!

The thought of folks reading

is what they find most fright'ning trend.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

It appears that Iraq, in crafting its own constitution, will be placing a heavy emphasis on that old school religion.

So in another five years, after spending billions of dollars and thousands of lives, the U.S. can look forward to:

Another Iran!...

The automaker Saab has just come out with an SUV, for the first time.

Hmm.

Somebody at Saab needs a better method of tracking the latest trends. Newsweek just ain't cuttin' it...

The latest technological method for desperate and misguided singles to seek courtship? Why it's cell phone dating!

The more things change, the more forest preserve corpse discoveries remain the same...

In pondering future Wednesday "Eat It!" section themes, I came up with this one:

Macademics. The study of tasty nuts.

I quickly realized, however, that this one might cause a disturbance in the overall culinary aura because... I don't need to tell you. Look what you're reading!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2005:

Seems everyone's on NASA's case

'cause program, with danger, is laced.

But astronauts know well

the risk and say "oh, well"--

ain't Disney Land, it's outer space!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Saudi Arabia's King Fahd is dead and "experts" are predicting it won't change our relationship with the Kingdom a bit.

Duh.

How'd YOU get to work today?...

While I'm on the topic, it's as fine a time as any to point out that, despite all the Michael Moore-ish dirt on the Saudis... Number one, this is NOT the first administration to cozy up to them. And, number two, sometimes foreign policy entails making friends with less-than-desirables for strategic reasons--and to have SOMEBODY in a region of the world on your side.

If it weren't for the old "support the 'better' slimeball in a pool of slimeballs" trick, our very way of life would crumble--you can't have Democracy without elections!...

Saw an online gig ad today for a "blog ghostwriter."

Ahhh.

Nice to be reminded every now and then that I'm not on the absolute lowest rung of the professional ladder.

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 8/3/2005:

Picture caption headline in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Stamping Out Illegally Sold Tobacco"

Big Tobacco, meet Big Terror!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/3/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Oh, That Breakfast Burrito

Oh...Lord... Oooh... Ohhh... (Urp)... Good God... And it was so tasty, too, but... Ugh... Oh... Ohh... Oh, no... Urrrggghh...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2005:

With billions in cost for the plan

(plus thousands more, in lives of man)

Iraq's a "free" land--

Theocracy and

in five years, another Iran!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

According to federal statistics, there has been no upsurge in child abductions over the last few years.

If broadcast news is your main conduit to current events, you're probably considering the laws of averages and wondering, "How in the hell, then, did abductions among every child demographic fall so much--while those for pretty, white, middle-classed kids skyrocketed?"... 

Read today about a new trend in alcoholic beverages.

In Chicago, for instance, people are shelling out $135 for upscale cocktails.

I'm keeping a list of these types of things. Just in case a modern-day Robin Hood arises and needs some direction...

Does anybody else wonder if, in many cases, disorders like ADHD have become the new millennium's "my dog ate it"?...

From an online job posting:

"Attention to GRAMMER and SPELLING is a must"...

Oh, and be on the lookout for a new superhero serving the...management community?

When I uncover these things I feel like... Well, see the last few pages of any H.P. Lovecraft story...

I got the results back from the clinic (see "Sunday Story Time," July 24, 2005) and... I ain't got nuttin'. Which is kick-ass.

So... Everybody's invited to my place this weekend for unprotected sex!...

(Of course I'm freakin' kidding. Although now I'm wondering why I felt I needed a disclaimer, considering I can't even get dirty pics sent to me...)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2005:

A new car I've planned has high prices

and middle-aged men it entices--

young chick cravings fed;

comes only in red...

Behold brand new Ford Mid-Life Crisis!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

So Sony Pictures is settling a class action suit with moviegoers over a phony movie critic they trumped up to rave about their films named "David Manning."

What puzzles me most is why they didn't go to an already established fictional "entertainment journalist," like Pat O'Brien...

Found humor from yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times, in the form of a running logo:

"Cubs Wild Card Watch"

Ha ha ha ha, hee hee, ho ho ho...

Norwegian prison officials instituted a program of yoga for inmates.

Ahem.

No punchline. It's a real story.

In any event, they've canceled the yoga, reportedly because it made some prisoners even more unruly than usual.

I'd recommend them trying it again in another five years or so, though. The Western World may not be ready for yoga in prison yet--but the Great Pussification of Anything and Everything has only just begun...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 8/5/2005:

Today's Honoree: Cable-TV Network Showtime

Showtime has debuted a show called "Weeds." And, yes, it's about marijuana.

Specifically about a pot-dealing single mom in an upscale California town.

Yes--another show out of Hollywood surprisingly cast in the Golden State. And, sure, I can't vouch for the quality of the show but, from what I've read, I'm not optimistic.

Nonetheless, bucking a trend that's all the rage in Tinseltown, it's not a remake of, say, "Cheech & Chong." And the pot dealing mother is a sympathetic protagonist--the morality questioning centers around the illegality of the "business" instead of trumpeting some TV-movie-of-the-week-esque "Reefer Madness" tale.

So "hurrah!" to Showtime.

And did I mention that Showtime is doing this in the historically close-minded, corporate and government censored, and prudish '50s...I mean '00s?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/5/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: MiLkBabY

How do I describe the music of MiLkBabY? Well, it gives me flashbacks to 'Nam--and I wasn't even in 'Nam!

A bit like early Pink Floyd, I suppose, only harder and a tad more melodic. Two guys, drums, guitar and a whole lot of computery effects... Wow.

Nonetheless, they're not the bong-addled stoners you might imagine. Drummer/computer-stuff maestro Barry is a recent father.

Plus, they have a Web address with a ".net." And you know how cool THOSE can be...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2005:

A man's girlie went on vacation

which cause him much sex'al frustration.

And so, for the cure,

he cheated on her

with himself through wild masturbation.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Long-time readers may unfortunately remember a peccadillo of the Chief Limericist here in that, after reading a Savage Love (syndicated sex) column with a letter from a woman who'd blow her guy all the time if he just washed "down there" more, CL decided to wash down there a few times a day.

Optimistic of the Chief, isn't it?

Anyway, this presents a delightful catchphrase for you all to bandy about:

"I just washed my balls and I can't do a thing with 'em"!

Welcome, new readers (and old), to Extra Cheezy Saturdays!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2005:

So Sony trumped up David Manning--

fake critic, who wouldn't be panning

their flicks. But why lyin'?

Likes of Pat O'Brien

in droves lick all Hollywood's fannies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

"John Roberts, Right-Wing Nut!"

Er, but I just read that John Roberts wrote a seminal opinion striking down a 1992 Colorado law that would have eliminated gay rights from general civil rights legislation.

"John Roberts, Right-Wing... Er, huh?"

As I just said, he wrote a... What's that?

"But he's anti-abortion!"

Actually, his stance on abortion is a little muddy but, true, he's not unequivocally pro-choice.

"Not Pro-Choice, Fascist Pig, John Roberts, Right Wing Nut; John Roberts, Right-Wing Nut!"...

Victoria Carson-Barnes waited outdoors nine days for a Frisco, Texas IKEA grand opening, to be the first in line and thus win a shopping spree.

Local businesses engaged in corporate philanthropy, too, giving her food and bottled water and even gifts during her consumer martyrdom of sorts.

One of my part-time gigs entails writing and applying for grants from sources like, say, corporate philanthropists, in order to keep a nonprofit dedicated to empowering inner-city youth afloat.

And, let me tell ya', times are rough for grantwriting.

But it's good nonetheless to see that such funds are at least going toward other crucial causes...

I've figured it out!

I've figured out why Jessica Simpleton ain't so hot!

For the longest time, it's been botherin' the hell outta me. And, especially seein' ads and press for "The Dukes of Hazzard" flick, with her in the Daisy Dukes, I sure as hell know it ain't her body that's made me hesitant to get all hot 'n' bothered.

Well, here's what it is: That chin!

It's like a Manly Superhero Chin. Ala Adam West as batman. Like Ben Affleck's or John Travolta's chin--with the dimple and all!

Nonetheless, I wouldn't necessarily shoo that chin away from bouncin' rhythmically against my balls, if you know what I mean...

Geez. I feel like I have to shower after that last crack...

Okay, so you may have noticed that the reader Daily Limerick Memories, called for since around our sixth anniversary, haven't exactly been flooding the e-transom.

So, as an example for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I'll give you one of my favorites:

On Christmastime (see archives, Dec. 13, 2003) I was writing all Christmas-themed Limericks for the month, as is often my habit.

I came up with the phrase, "glorious cocking" for one.

He hee. Glorious cocking.

Some walks down memory lane are seamier than others.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/7/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Playground Lore

What is "Playground Lore," you may ask?

Here's an example:

At least in my elementary school and childhood neighborhood, it was believed that rare Tootsie Pops bore a wrapper with...I believe it was with an archer, and said wrappers brought a prize. $1 million or something.

Oh, and there was a saying oft bandied about, "Go blow your nose in Cheerios!" And I knew a kid who claimed to have originally "come up with it."

I'd ask Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to send in examples, but you can't even come through on the Daily Limerick Memories!

I do have an example of one that I started, though (although I don't think it caught on beyond a handful of others).

In some bags of Cheetos, there is one Cheeto, usually a little nib, that is Extra, Supra Cheezy. That is, bearing extra dry cheeze and spices. It almost glows in its orangeness.

Well, I started some legend that an extra cheezy Cheeto nib, too, could win you something. Since I found such nibs and never gained a prize, you'd think I'd know better. Or perhaps I was tryin' to start my own Playground Lore. I'm not sure.

Nonetheless, I still look for that supra cheezy Cheeto when I partake of them.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/7/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: My time with time

Time dislikes hurry, she really does.

"What's the rush?" she says.

Tick: C'mon, slow it down. Tock:

I'll still be here in the morning. Yes,

she will, and that's most of the problem.

How do I tell her to get out? Just

up and leave? I don't want to be cruel,

but she needs to know I've had it.

There's someone else,

and the reality of it should make her quake.

But no, she keeps whispering the plot of the book

I'm reading before I'm ready. As though

nothing has changed. I've told her

more than once to stop spoiling secrets.

She gets moody, though. I think she's jealous.

And yet, cruelly, she's not.

"I'm not going anywhere," she says.

(she loves that line) I know.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2005:

The trend of today cries out, "Yoga!"

(And, Heavens! Don't light up that stog-a!)

I s'ppose, good for health

but long have I felt

we've lost something since we yelled, "Toga!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Saw a Sunday newspaper ad for one of those a-cutesy, collectable "Christmas villages."

For the Cubs.

Guess it doesn't have a Santa Claus...

Speaking of Christmas in August, getting some good, imported coffee for a change is a bit like an adult's Christmas.

You find yourself getting up extra early 'cause you just can't wait.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/8/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Mozartian Haiku

Don Giovanni

In Spain, one thousand and three

Without Viagra

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2005:

'Though some truly have ADD

suspicions arise within me

for it comes with perks--

"The dog ate my work"

of the new millennium, see?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Kate Hudson recently had some interesting comments for some celebrity ass-kisser publication masquerading as "entertainment journalism."

On monogamy: "Not realistic."

But, as I was making arrangements for my ticket to Los Angeles, I read further into the excerpts.

On her husband, Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes: "I won't stray."

So... Monogamy is not realistic...but she "won't stray"?... That doesn't make a lot of sense. In fact, it's downright contradictory. Making a bold statement, then back-pedaling in an attempt to appear on both sides of the issue... Ah-ha!

Another Hollywood type with political ambitions?

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 8/9/2005:

Caused a hubbub by taking naughty photos from Jamie Foxx's trash:

Mark Filthian.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2005:

Two years plus since Iraq War started

we question its reasons imparted.

Polls just now find most

doubt Bush and his boasts--

our public's slow, if not retarded.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Nikki Sixx, Motley Crue bass player, or former Motley Crue bass player, or whatever, dubbed Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson "the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our age."

In a frightening way... He may be right on.

What an age we live in no?...

Saw an ad offering help with "hip arthritis."

Hey. If I ever end up getting arthritis, I'd rather not have it be of the geeky sort...

S&Y mentioned recently that most "news" is... Well, "Duh!" news.

Example headlines from today:

"TV News Quality Spirals Downward"

and

"Report Shows U.S. Gasoline Consumption on the Rise"...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 8/10/2005:

Today's Honoree: CHEST

CHEST is a magazine for... Colleges of chest medicine, or some such thing.

Anyway, CHEST came out with a study concerning the portrayal of smoking in Hollywood.

Their findings? Most of the smokers in flicks are the bad guys. And the overall percentage of smokers in flicks is about the same as it is in real life.

Contradicting, of course, neo-liberal dogma.

Which deserves 'em an award.

A scientific entity. Placing facts above all else.

Imagine.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/10/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Runt Conspiracy

My Wonka "Mix Ups" bag left me with a bag of Runts that was an average bag of Runts in all ways.

'Cept it was empty. Completely empty. Yet sealed.

Emotional damages, my friends. Emotional damages.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2005:

Pam-Tom as new Taylor and Burton?

So Motley Crue wash-up is blurtin'--

one with rare said name,

sans second-Pam fame...

If so... Man, pop culture is hurtin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

The European Parliament is debating a ban on...well, I guess you'd call it a ban on workplace tanning.

You see, when, say, a construction worker takes off his shirt to cool off a bit in the sun, or an Oktoberfest waitress shows a little cleavage to grease the tip jar, these employees are put in danger of developing skin cancer.

There has been no clamor among workers against this workplace tanning. In fact, gauging public reaction, workers are against any legislation of this sort. But under modern liberalism, we can't be expected to know what's good for ourselves.

How long has it been since I thanked the "secondhand smoke" activists, truly and powerfully, from the depths of my very...balls?...

Upon first thought, recent Iraqi government-forming action seems to form a bizarre twist of events: The Islam-happy new rule threatens to oppress women when, if nothing else, Saddam Hussein's regime was secular and friendly overall to women's rights (within its fascist context, anyway).

Upon further introspection, however, it all makes perfect sense. Bush is trying to bring American-style Democracy to Iraq--so why not steer both countries to a 1950's style interpretation of it?...

Clear Channel, the Media Behemoth controlling something like a third of all radio and concert venues, is changing the names of some of its promotion company cogs, back to tradition-laden ones they originally quashed upon eating 'em up. For instance, Bill Graham Presents of San Fran and Ron Delsener Presents of NYC.

Clear Channel is thus admitting that its We-Wanna-Monopolize-the-World policies have turned a lot of people off. Why, among many progressive musicians and members of the public, Clear Channel has become a dirty word.

And the best way to change that horrible image, according to Clear Channel execs, is to change...just names, evidently...

Headline above a newspaper review of the "American Idol" live tour show in Chicago:

"'Idol' Tour Comes Off More Like High School Talent Show"

And that's shocking...why? Oh! Considering the age of the singers, it should be on par with a community college talent show...

Headline about some dashing new TV show on the cover of my Sunday-paper-doled-out TV Prevue:

"A mother and two daughters leave New Mexico for New York City"

It just don't get more original than that, folks!

No, I literally mean it--in Hollywood, it really doesn't more original than that...

My cousin, Todd, recently sent me a nice box of Honduran cigars.

And he's an occasional reader, to boot. So I could go and call this my first reader gift. But that's beside the point. And off-point.

The cigars come in a humidor-type box. Light wood, clasp sealed. In looking at it the other night, I realized that I'd seen a similar box at some point.

It eventually hit me: The box reminded me of one that held my grandmother's Bible.

And Mark Twain once said, "If they don't allow cigar smoking in Heaven, send me to the other place." Although I'm not sold on the Heaven/Hell idea, it was in first reading that I realized I couldn't imagine Mark Twain relegated to Hell.

These two things taken together, my friends, are enough to prove that there truly is a Cigar-Heaven connection, for me, anyway...

You've heard the term, "Preaching to the converted"?

(For a recent example, Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9-11" was accused of it--attempting to prove Bush misdeeds surrounding Iraq, but seen mostly by an audience already believing in Bush Iraq misdeeds.)

Well we, too, at Daily Limerick often feel we're just not making a difference, changing minds, moving lives in new directions.

For our part, we sometimes wonder if we're just preaching to the perverted...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2005:

Clear Channel, of med'ya rule fame's

been playin' monopoly game.

Hits disfavor's track;

they clean up their act

by changing a few venue names.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2005:

Celebrating Six Years of this, er...well, nonsense, but six years of it...

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

A University of Illinois study finds that violent video games do not appear to spur violence in those who play them.

Considering a war on such games is the current diversion du jour of Illinois' Democratic governor, it's time for "liberals" to see if they can beat Bush in the War on Facts...

Sienna Miller, the last dumbass to make a commitment to Jude Law, is reportedly seeing therapist Gilda Carle, an expert in "why men cheat."

Sienna: He has a cock and he's a flaming asshole--and a famous, "Sexiest Man Alive" asshole, to boot.

That'll be a jillion dollars, please...

There exists an entity called MTV Books.

For those having trouble with high-intellect concepts like, "Dick, Jane and Spot"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/12/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rap, Hip Hop, What-Have-You

Readers may be asking themselves, "What is 'Entertain Yourself's' opinion on rap," considering we dwell in mostly white music. Being mostly white.

Okay, buck white.

Anyway, my opinion on rap is that it sports some of the finest lyrics around today. Even music I really like is generally lyrically retarded which, I suppose, follows the general history of rock 'n' roll, thanks largely to the prevalent practice of throwing the singer the lyric-writing duties to give him/her something extra to do, for the sole reason that he/she is the singer.

Now, I am far from an expert on rap and, unfortunately, I'm most familiar with the top 40/MTV stuff, as is the case with any form of music unless you go diggin'. I will say that top 40 rap isn't any crappier than other top 40 fare, despite its penchant for words like "ho" and "bling."

My biggest problem with rap is that, for some reason, people listening to it on public transportation via iPod or walkman or whatever seem extra likely to rap along with it. Aloud.

So rap can certainly be annoying. But it has pop and rock beat, nonetheless, because it doesn't lend itself to karaoke.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2005:

A couple, at dinner, played footsie.

She slipped--and her foot she did put-sie

in his turgid crotch;

kicked things up a notch

and his gravy spilled on her tootsie.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

I watched a pot boil recently.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2005:

Iraq's newfound freedom's sure nifty!

Hard Islam leaves women's rights iffy.

But 'least he's consistent--

their country and this'n

are both bein' sent back to the '50s!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Headline:

"U.N. Nuclear Watchdog Expresses 'Serious Concern' Over Iran's Resumption of Activity That Could Lead to an Atomic Bomb"

"Serious Concern"? Oooh! Why so harsh on a po' little everyone-else-hating country that just wants a lil' extra energy resource?...

England is just now trying to deport radical cleric Abu Quatada, who's been advocating jihad and praisin' both Osama bin Laden and the 9-11 attacks for years now. Oh, he's also been, for some time now, wanted overseas because he was indicted and or convicted for roles in terrorist attacks in both Spain and Jordan.

Meanwhile, word has just come out that the Pentagon had dirty info on 9-11's Mohammed Atta for some time but didn't share that info with the FBI.

But go on and wave those flags, radical red-staters! Why question the government? They have our best interests at heart... And still do.

Of course, what matters most is what these governments are doing NOW to fight future terror. So that's what lines I'm thinkin' along.

And I'm still trying to make a connection here. Let me see. England and the U.S. What do their governments have in common? Where are their terror-fighting efforts being spent now?

Hmm. Can't figure it out. What possible priorities in common could be endangering us? Hmm... Drawing a blank...

Merab Morgan, of Raleigh, N.C., is making the media rounds touting her personal McDonald's diet, which lost her almost 40 pounds--and bashing "Duh!" documentary director Morgan Spurlock's "Super Size Me," in which he tries to score points for the Elitists Who've Stolen Liberalism by pinning the blame for public obesity on fast food. (Or, as DL/S&Y believes, he needed an excuse to down some tasty meat because his girlfriend's a Vegan chef.)

I would've given Morgan an award, but this edition is too extra-section-heavy already. So go out and grab a Quarter Pounder or something--and complain to the management about their dropping the "Super Sizes"...

Anmol Madan has invented the "Jerk-O-Meter." It's a device you hook-up to the phone, which can, through voice patterns and such, allegedly tell you if the guy on the other end is really paying attention to your words.

It's touted, of course, to chicks. The kinda chicks who yap on and on and on... It's also supposed to eventually clue salesmen in on the fact that the person on the other end isn't interested in their pitch.

To the salesmen, I'd simply advise 'em to listen for my "click."

But Madan IS a mister and has blatantly violated the Guy Code with this invention.

So, Mr. Madan, please turn your penis in to the proper authorities...

Headline:

"The Destiny's Child Farewell Tour: Is it Really the End?"

Which serves to remind me that the term "farewell tour" needs to be filed in the same place as other such meaningless terms as "compassionate conservatism."

For you can only judge whether or not a musical act's tour is the "farewell" AFTER the fact.

Are they all dead? If the answer is yes, then the last time around truly WAS the "Farewell Tour"...

Cambodia has granted Angelina Jolie citizenship.

So DL/S&Y has decided to follow suit.

Just come by to get your, er, key, Ang...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 8/14/2005:

Today's Fulfilled Premonition (of sorts): New York as the Nation's Big Mother Leader

Taking a cue from the success of its "We Know What's Best for You" anti-smoking policies, the NYC Dept. of Health and Mental Hygiene, although only issuing "recommendations" at this point, is taking its War on Non-Liberal-Elite Personal Life Choices to trans fat, urging its restaurants to start by posting the trans fat levels of entrees on menus.

Bloomberg please forgive them, for they know not as much as you...

Oh, and just think about the idea of "Mental Hygiene."

Possibly foreshadowing a time when modern liberalism meets Orwell...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 8/14/2005:

Today's Honoree: Wisconsin State Rep. Mark Pettis

Rep. Pettis has introduced a bill that would lower Wisconsin's drinking age to 19. He's largely been moved by the fact that soldiers are now dying in Iraq--and if they do survive and come home, they aren't deemed responsible enough to have a drink.

I'd call this common sense, but am starting to think that we need to rename the phenomenon "rare sense"...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' BONEHEAD OF GRAND PROPORTIONS AWARD 8/14/2005:

Today's Honoree: Wisconsin State Rep. Chuck Benedict

Benedict vocally opposes Pettis' above-mentioned proposal.

Demonstrating his own abundance of the newly renamed "(unfortunately) common 'sense'"...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' NOTE ON THE ABOVE AWARDS 8/14/2005:

I was going to trumpet Pettis' commendable efforts as a possible return to pre'90s liberalism, but Pettis is a Republican and Benedict is a Democrat.

Reminding us, of course, that labels like "liberal" and "conservative" are about as useful as "farewell tour"...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 8/14/2005:

Bruce Cockburn.

Hope he sees a doctor about that...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/14/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Regrets, I Have a Few...

I've mercilessly bashed karaoke in S&Y over the years. Which is cool; no apologies necessary there.

But I have a confession:

I have performed karaoke.

Only once, I'll admit, but I felt I should come clean.

I was drunk out of my mind. My first night living in Chicago, having moved there from Northern Illinois' near-suburbs. Didn't know where the hell to go, so went to the "big name" places, generally untouched by city residents but overflowing with unknowing suburbanites.

Ended up singing "Roxanne" by The Police and... I forget what song, but something by Elvis.

So there you have it.

To this day, despite realizing the error of my ways and reforming into an upstanding, anti-karaoke citizen, I STILL have a hard time forgiving myself for it.

Why, oh why! Couldn't I have just killed some children or something?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/14/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Wavelength

We send each other love notes full of

complex maths: the area of a curve

is worked out over the trajectory

of our travels together. Gravitational

pulls exert their constant presence,

pushing at the corona, and surface, of the

gas-stoked stars we think are twinkling.

Wavering light is a misperception, just as

the air blushing then bruising at dusk

is an optical trick caused by spectrums.

Color scatters across the outer line of the

shell of atmosphere we sometimes call

the limits of our experience. The planets

follow invisible ellipses. Points ending

a conversation? No. The atoms that make

up rods and cones, that orbit our sight.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2005:

Like freeloaders, driving you poor--

friend-fam'ly guests soon turn to boor.

Cries of "leaving soon"

wax recurring tune--

that's what acts call their "Farewell Tours."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

First, we had the Dove ads claiming to show "real" women.

Now, publications like Teen People are getting in on the trend.

Now, I'm all for this movement, of sorts, in theory but just have to ask:

What about the "real women" with perhaps a little bit of a belly and perhaps not the longest legs and lacking implants who are... Oh, somewhere BETWEEN anorexic and cringe-inducing whale?

I mean, that whom I seem to end up with in "real" life, so perhaps we can come to an agreement on this...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE (OR AT LEAST CAPPER) 8/15/2005:

Dubya, regarding Iran's nuclear hokey-pokey:

"We've used force in the recent past."

This presented so many possibilities of snide replies that I thought I'd leave it to you, the readers, to pick your favorite capper (or send a different one in--yeah, sure):

a) Sure--and we'll start drafting the U.S. Postal Service to do it;

b) ...And look how well THAT'S went; or

c) ...But, then again, you're gonna actually HAVE Weapons of Mass Destruction, so we really don't have recent history in that area.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/15/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Wagnerian Haiku

Lohengrin, the knight,

When he was young, sailed in a

Dinghy drawn by ducks

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2005:

To teach lessons Iran won't learn

the U.N. is waxing quite stern.

Full sanctions? Not yet.

And forget force threat--

it's Big Gun time: "Ser'ous Concern"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Julia Bond, alongside her instructor, died in a skydiving accident in Ogden, Utah as family and friends watched in horror.

Which brings to mind some skydiving wisdom passed down to me from my father.

Dad, you see, was a Navy pilot. He landed on aircraft carriers in the middle of the night, which he had friends and comrades die while attempting, and... I could go on and on, but the point is: He's done the skydiving thing.

His take on the idea?

"Why would anybody want to jump out of a perfectly good plane?"...

Metra, Chicagoland's local train company serving commuters primarily between the city and 'burbs, is spending $460,000 on a campaign to teach kids to stay off the railroad tracks.

But don't we still have those things called...parents?

An unpopular attitude, I know, especially after some knucklehead... Well, as they say, it takes a village idiot...

Isn't it interesting that anything that now calls itself "cutting edge" is obviously, well, er, not "cutting edge," or whatever the hip term is these days?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2005:

"We've used force in the recent past,"

Bush says to curb Iran's nuke sass.

It's tough to get mad

with forces thinned bad--

next USPS joins war's cast?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

A new study finds that daily use of the pain relief medication ibuprofen can cause high blood pressure and other social ills.

Which mostly got me to wondering, "THAT many people self-medicate with 'pain relievers' on a daily basis?"

I figure they're either the common sort of hypochondriac weaned on our "you need a pill" culture or they really need to see a doctor because, call me old-fashioned, I don't think daily pain is a "normal," or desirable, state.

But most agree that Tylenol and Prozac are a more civilized medicinal habit than, say, evening scotch and a pipe, so at least society is evolving--we'll rid the world of that pesky "fun" someday...

Headline (Part I):

"Is Tanning Addictive?"

Let's see if Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can guess Part II by themselves. Here's a few clues:

This question implies that someone is asking it. Who would be asking it? Why, those who deal with addictions, "addictions" and such. Who, falling somewhere under the sprawling "medical establishment" umbrella, would generally opt to do a study when such a question arises. Who already form a billions-o'-dollars-a-yea r industry. And who, finally, stand to profit even more if only the answer to the headline question were "yes."

The envelope, please?... Headline (Part II):

"New Research Suggests it is"...

Wow! I felt like I just did a magic trick or something...

A crappy, seven-year-old-with-an-annoying-new-magic-kit kinda trick, sure, but a magic trick, nonetheless...

Louis Farrakhan has come out in defense of Mexican President Vicente Fox, who caused hubbub with comments on the order of (and I paraphrase) "Mexican immigrants to the U.S. take jobs that not even blacks want."

Quoth the F-ster, to blacks who took offense, "Why are you so foolishly sensitive when somebody is telling you the truth?"

I almost gave out a DL/S&Y award to Farrakhan, before recalling that Fox's comments, and most of the hubbub, came in May.

Nonetheless, I commend Louie's candor. And must admit that I've agreed with him on a few things over the years and find him capable of uncommon sensibility at times.

See, you can be late with a reaction, or you can be a dumbass in a reaction, but you can't get away with both or, as I like to call it, pullin' a Homeland Security...

Read about how the Federal Deficit has shrunk a bit recently under Bush. It did, of course, become a deficit from a surplus under Bush, too, but that's not what I'm concerned with here.

I'm focused on the fact that, in reading an economist's take on the situation, I noticed that the writer gave some credence to the "fact" that Bush's budget eliminates the deficit, eventually, in 2009.

2009.

The things you can get away with politics and a hopeless Media.

"Er, boss? Yeah, I'll have that little 'coming in late' problem under wraps a year or so after I'm done working here, okay?"...

Illinois' nimrod governor Rod Blagojevich just signed a bill granting new rights to grunt hotel workers, such as maids.

One provision? Grunt hotel workers are now entitled to free water.

See, we're no longer some primitive society where human beings are forced to scrounge for and hunt out a source of water, turning on a faucet like savages...

He was only markedly famous in his cultural prime. (And, boy, do I cringe in describing his work as "cultural.") He hasn't done anything of note in his chosen field since then, other than boff a famous sexpot. But, somehow, everywhere you turn, they're writing about him or talking about him.

So, brothers and sisters in the Media, here's my Public Service Announcement:

You don't HAVE to allot massive coverage to Tommy Lee's new (lame) show, or anything else he does.

Really. There's no law...

A guy asked me for "five cent" today.

Note that he didn't ask for "five cents." He asked for "five cent."

I said I didn't have it and he repeated, with extra stress, "five cent."

To which I replied, "'Five Cent'? Oh, I thought you said, 'My rent!' Of course I'll give you five cent!"

Maybe he was emphasizing his disdain for that pesky plural formation stuff, figured I might have a similar proclivity, and hoped to capitalize on a sense of philosophical brotherhood.

I'm at a loss for explaining his technique.

Point being...(I think I have one)... Well, the rituals and beliefs of his type are mysterious and intriguing.

So I guess I'm trumpeting diversity here. At least as it pertains to the Riffraff-American community...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/17/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: You Can't Kill Fish 'n' Chips

I read something recently which, somehow in the course of making its overall point, explored the theme, "What if the U.K. no longer existed?"

Perhaps it was spurred by recent London terror attacks. Perhaps it was something silly, from a source like The Onion.

Anyway, my gut reaction was horror: "No more fish 'n' chips!" (Which is about the only decent food coming from Britain, although I'm personally partial to the Welsh rarebit, as well, although it seems most don't share my opinion on that.)

Upon further reflection, howerver, I decided, "You can't kill fish 'n' chips; the phenomenon has spread worldwide at this point!"

You see, food is one of those powerful forces, like the desire for freedom or artistic expression, that can be outlawed, or attacked, or outright targeted for destruction--but cannot be killed. Its spawn are too numerous, too untrackable. You can kill it at what you believe to be its source, but its sources are innumerable. It is the glue that bind humanity together, through the thick and the thin and... Ahem.

You can't kill fish 'n' chips. Let's leave it at that.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2005:

Those "real" Dove ads, some call obscene.

Others say feed fem'nist machine.

But why are thin rail

or fat as a whale

sole choices--ain't there a between?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Continuing on the general theme of today's Limerick:

Nike has launched a campaign, seeking to latch onto some of the hubbub generated by those damn Dove spots featuring "real" women.

Nike's "ads" shows, and celebrate, big butts on women.

Bravely and boldly...on NikeWoman.com, where you only have to see it if you want to.

Despite the marketing cowardice, and the slimy method of having it both ways, I feel that congratulations are in order. See, the campaign accidentally returns this sort of thing to its proper place.

There's obviously a large demographic who likes looking at such women. And like the rest of the fetishists, the Internet is the perfect forum for them to see such things without subjecting the rest of us to it...

Read today the comments from "oil expert" Craig Smith concerning rising U.S. gas prices.

His expert advice on assuaging the crisis? Hybrid cars? Alternative fuels? No.

He has a lot to say about this subject, and is peddling books on it as well, but the advice can be summed up as "drill all over the U.S.!"

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may want to play a round of "guess what industry the 'expert' is employed by!"...

In reading today about all the MTV-friendly acts booked for festivities surrounding the kick-off of the coming NFL season, it really struck me: Sports are getting more and more Hollywood all the time.

Why, next thing you know, they'll be re-making old games...

As a believer in, for lack of a term with less baggage, "intelligent design"--let's just say that I believe in some sort of God or Gods and don't think that at odds with science one bit, and I'll leave it at that--I gotta chime in on this briefly.

Of course, nothing of this sort should be taught in schools. And, of course, it's a thinly veiled attempt to make every day "Bring Your Jesus to School Day."

But to partisans on the other side of the issue:

Pointing out evidence of flawed "design" in humans, other creatures and nature is a meaningless exercise.

I gotta assume that any "intelligent designer" would intellectually put me to shame. Nonetheless, if I were overseeing a universe, I sure as hell wouldn't enjoy watching a flawless universe unfold...

***

THURSDAY FASHION SPANKOVER 8/18/2005:

Saw a woman recently in a...well, I don't know any other way to describe it than as a "cow-print" dress. It was white with bovine-like splotches of black.

The woman was...let's just say large.

I'm certainly no fashionista but...

Hmm. Maybe we'll think on this Thursday "Special Section" thing a bit longer...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2005:

EU may ban on-the-clock tanning.

New York? War on "trans fat" they're planning.

The Lib'ral elite

ruined "L Word" for me

with Big Mother flames they keep fanning.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

A Harvard study finds that racial disparities in healthcare are narrowing.

That is, blacks and Latinos are closer to receiving, on average, the same levels of care that whites do.

Of course, this is perceived as good news. And it probably indicates, to some extent, that minorities are increasingly able to obtain better services.

But the results also undoubtedly owe something to the fact that even upper- and middle-class whites are seeing healthcare get crappier and less affordable, which is another way of leveling the 'ol playing field...

Can we go ONE WEEK without learning of a new way the government fucked-up and dropped the ball on intelligence that could have possibly prevented the 9-11 attacks, by the way?...

A Loch Arbour, NJ restaurant, Parkhill's Waterfront Grill, received a bit of publicity for not only jotting down the phrase "Jew Couple" atop a bill to keep waitresses' tables straight--but somehow gave said Jew Couple a bill with the phrase on it.

Who does Parkhill's think it is? Denny's?...

Just thought I'd point this out, as the mainstream media is either ignoring it or too downsized and mega-merged to have proper coverage man-hours available:

Multiple Native American tribes and organizations have publicly come out against the NCAA's crack-down on Native-American team names.

Now, not only does Liberal Elitism find that the public does not know what's good for it, but we're all too stupid to tell when we should be offended...

I'm coining a new phrase here.

In general, most people give others the "benefit of the doubt." Someone's accused of something or other and, like our justice system aims to do, we assume the someone to be innocent if there's any degree of doubt involved.

Well I've noticed that with politicians... Well recently, for example, Dubya's questionable reasons for invading Iraq. Or less recently, Clinton and Whitewater. These types of things... I tend to believe the pols have done something wrong. Politics 101, for all practical purposes, is "Not Getting Caught."

So for politicians, I think we need to officially start giving them the "detriment of the doubt"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/19/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Taxi

Taxi is a rockin' ass Chicago-based band.

Er... Kinda retro sounding but...not. Because retro sounding is annoying.

It's hard to describe it.

And I don't really recall much more about 'em since I jotted 'em down as a Friday "Entertain Me" feature many weeks ago.

I will say, though, that unlike their namesake, they don't go too fast and they appear to know where they're going.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2005:

A girl wore such short Daisy Dukes

that groc'ry shopping spurred a fluke.

Bent o'er near the veggies

and one became wedgied--

on accident, she stole a cuke!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Evidently, Motley Crue is coming to town. (Screw you if you think I'm gonna pause to insert the damn umlauts or whatever-the-hells.)

Saw an ad for 'em.

For some reason, ad was in the sports section.

Hmm.

Guess it's a natural. Fake wrestling is a dubbed a "sport."

You may have to think on this nugget to really, truly "get it."

I know I do...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2005:

Puff Daddy says, "Drop 'P'--just 'Diddy'"

and Media's cool, they're just giddy

for accommodating

his name masturbating.

I say, "Cov'rage? Sorry, won't fitt-y!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

A Crunch gym in Chicago is refusing to allow a man whose locker was robbed there to cancel his membership.

Which sounds a little low-down, at first but... How the hell would the gym industry ever survive without money from it's majority consumer base: once overly optimistic customers who rarely, if ever, work-out?...

Today's Sunday edition content mostly focuses on an investigative report:

The Ol' "Don't Need Replacin' If There's the Tiniest Bit Left" Trick.

You've undoubtedly seen it before.

Your roommate, or whoever, leaves a half-sheet hanging from the toilet paper roll. Hence, "Don't Need Replacin' If There's the Tiniest Bit Left!"

Never mind that a half-sheet of toilet paper is, for all intents and purposes, no better than an empty roll. (Which is another trick altogether.) Never mind that, statistically speaking, it's highly, HIGHLY unlikely that the last clown using the toilet paper needed EXACTLY ENOUGH to coincidentally leave a mere half-sheet. No, Ultimate Laziness is at play here.

The scourge doesn't just rear its ugly head concerning toilet paper. For example, yesterday I was left with about a shot of coffee. "Don't need to make more coffee--why, there's the tiniest bit left!"

And I'll admit to pullin' this trick myself--at least in my reckless younger days. I once left a roommate with about a half-shot of rum, broke and Jonesin' for a buzz at the time. Reasoning, "I didn't EMPTY the bottle."

I've since changed my ways.

So there's my investigative report. A bit of a Public Service Announcement, too.

Just say no to the ol' "Don't Need Replacin' If There's the Tiniest Bit Left" trick.

Our very society is at stake.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/21/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Chicago Vignette

Was walking down the street the other day and I heard the 1985 Chicago Bears novelty song, "Super Bowl Shuffle," blaring from a vehicle.

Turned my head to see exactly where it was coming from and noticed an ambulance flying down the street. Thought, "great--so some chowderhead won't pull out of the ambulance's way because he's blaring Da Bears music."

Then I noticed that the "Shuffle" was coming from the ambulance.

Interesting town, Chicago is...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/21/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Accompaniment

It drifts through the silences

that are trimmed and shaped

bushes edging the smart front steps.

The steps he sits on now, looking out

over the street. It's easier to slide away

when you've been expecting it, he reasons.

Ah, reason, that lovely fallacy -- that

fallible lover -- calling out thoughts

as conceivable patterns, bright order bristling

where you know how to see it.

Everything had its proof. Crowded with thusses

and therefores, ergos and in the case ofs.

It all fit, that union of moments: from

first talk to last fuck, and before, and after.

He could draw it out, a map, and know that many others

had had the same graphs, wandering the same search.

Where the path went off the page --

the bowls of weed she'd need to sleep,

the pain pill bottles she kept in her purse,

the cut pieces of soda straw in the trash --

is where he grew to hate her.

The line was way off. Love became about

not upsetting her. It was his first taste

of aging.

She loathed him for not

letting go. He loathed her

for never saying "I hate you"

when she said "I love you."

It was worse than being hit.

So that phrase stilled.

Soon too, they stilled.

When he started tearing her letters up,

she enlisted her friend to send more.

When he tore her letters up she stopped trying.

For once he was glad she did not

make friends easily. His smile,

though sad, is genuine.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2005:

Since 9-11, I've heard enough

'bout how we just sat on our duffs

while terrorists schemed.

One week, that's my dream,

with no news on how we fucked up.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Okay, even though I did a search to ensure I'd never touched on this topical area, which came up negative (I have touched on it)... Well, I'm having a Slappin' and Yappin' block or something so, so realize that I have touched on this topical area, but not this particular point, but here goes:

The Dirty Sanchez.

I'm not gonna explain what it is. We have some principles here, believe it or not. So, if you don't know what it is, find out elsewhere.

Anyway, the Dirty Sanchez is only one, er, act in a number of... Well, "Savage Love" referred to them as amusing and/or sickening sex acts that nobody actually engages in but which boys just finding out about sex love to talk about. I do believe that some people have undoubtedly engaged in them, however--some more than others--knowing human nature and all.

Anyway, somebody was rattling some of these acts off recently, I mentioned the DS and was greeted with the reply: "Pfft. That's become all mainstream now." I think he meant that it was TALKED ABOUT in a mainstream matter. Actually, am pretty sure of that. However... Hmmm.

What the hell kinda world do we live in where the Dirty Sanchez can be described as "mainstream"?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/22/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Vivaldi Haiku

Four Seasons are not

Parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme

That's a different tune

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2005:

Since pro sports court pop culture fame

involving pop culture's big names

will they ape so good

ways of Hollywood

that they'll soon re-make their best games?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Speaking of today's topic--and I swear I wasn't aware of it before penning today's Limerick, thus accidentally forming a topical "hunk"--at the Chicago Underground Film Festival, a flick is showing called "This Revolution," which is a re-make of an earlier indy flick, "Medium Cool."

See? You don't need a big budget to capture that Tinseltown lack of originality!...

More and more information is starting to come to the fore indicating that the 9/11 Commission, which has brutally (and rightfully) chastised the government for inaction in the wake of terror-in-waiting red flags, engaged in some dangerous inaction of its own.

Which would've implicated Janet Reno. In turn implicating the Liberal Do-No-Wrong God, Bill Clinton.

As they say, when it comes down to the Culture Wars, you're either with half of us, or against half of us...

The Chicago Sun-Times' syndicated sex/relationships chowderhead...er, advice columnist ranted about construction worker behavior toward females passersby in yesterday's column.

She delineated a specific, personal incident in which... They leered at her. Didn't issue catcalls. Didn't do the ol' "wiggle the tongue 'tween the fingers" trick or anything. Just looked at her.

Coming up for modern feminism: Sexual attraction itself is officially degrading!...

Read yesterday about a new thing called "Improvidate."

If you can't figure it out by the name, it combines improv and a desperate singles event.

Hmm.

Despite previous philosophizing on the part of S&Y on this topic over the years, I now think that the Four Horsemen of the Coming Cultural Apocalypse are already among us; they're just confused as to their next course of action, having not expected us to actually WELCOME them...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2005:

THE 9/11 Comm. represents us;

on Bush admin has been relentless.

But not so with Clinton;

at true mantra's hintin':

You're with half of us, or against us.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Saw one of those e-mail chain petitions today urging the President and Congress to lower gas prices.

Hmm.

Just like that, huh? Forget about supply and demand, not to mention how the former is finite and dwindling and the latter is spiraling out of control.

A better use of your time might entail a process that begins by burying some dead dinosaurs...

A single page of my newspaper yesterday carried two stories with one thing in common.

One concerned 87 people implicated in a smuggling ring. One of the high-ticket items being smuggled was cigarettes.

The second story concerned a Denver burglar, at large, who has been breaking into homes and, in some cases, taking only cigarettes.

It's been a while since I've thanked the do-gooder, vice-taxing politicians and the frothy mouthed elitists who egg them on, for all the wonderful things they've done for our country, hasn't it?...

Speaking of Big Mother, New York Mayor and Democrat/Elitist Liberal in Republican clothing Mike Bloomberg lost a court battle to quash a graffiti art exhibit because, in his opinion, it would encourage actual graffiti.

Even Orwell didn't imagine the Leftists getting in on this stuff...

Corporations, among them BP and Morgan Stanley, are spurring a new trend among advertisers in demanding certain procedures should a publication they are advertising in publish negative news about their industry.

That is, they're basically demanding editorial input on news coverage. And the struggling magazine/periodical industry is too merged/stretched/struggling to fight the trend so well.

What do these companies think they're dealing with--"entertainment journalism"?...

Simon & Schuster, Random House and Penguin are but three publishers who have instituted new lines specifically for "conservative" books.

Hmm.

There was once just a thing called "nonfiction." Now, apparently, there are two versions of the Truth...

Oh, and while we're amid a near-special section on "Books," let me just say this about the prevalent practice of sending authors on book tours to do readings:

Stupid. Knock it off.

Most writers aren't good performers. Three people show up for these things most of the time. Even authors I like rarely motivate me to go see them.

So knock it off.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/24/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Salisbury Steak Day

What President Bush needs to do, with flagging approval ratings and all, is declare a National Salisbury Steak day. That'll do it for me.

I'm not saying this would excuse Iraq or his administration's fear of science and facts or... Well, I could go on and on. But considering the divided state of our nation, a National Salisbury Steak Day would be a nice gesture to garner a modicum of healing.

As advisor on this matter, DL/S&Y would take its own steps to bridge the divide. We'd even leave the issue of side dishes up to individuals, their friends and families. With mashed potatoes and corn or, as God intended it, buttered noodles.

And if Dubya ain't man enough to do it... Well, we will.

Therefore, let it be decreed that when the first episode of the next season of Comedy Central's "South Park" airs, it will be National Salisbury Steak Day. Hell, International Salisbury Steak Day. (That should be fall; usually early October.)

And there's no reason you can't practice a Salisbury Steak Day for yourself in the meantime.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2005:

Now Bush's approval has sank--

not caused by Iraq, as you'd thank.

We're still sleeping morons;

his disproval score's on

account of the price at the tank.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

You've probably heard/read more than enough commentary on Pat Robertson's urging the military to assassinate Venezuela's Hugo Chavez.

So I hesitated to chime in.

He has, however, accidentally done a great job of countering that whole "intelligent design" psychobabble.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2005:

Pat Robinson thinks it's his biz

to ask Venezuela's Chavez

be assassinated--

and thus demonstrated

what "faith-based initiative" is!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

By the way, speaking of Robertson... Shouldn't Congress be holding hearings on the Christian Broadcasting Network about now? Recent precedent says they should.

Although I'll admit that Pat only threatened a foreign head of state, instead of anything truly dangerous to a nation like, oh, flashing a nipple or something...

Dr. Terry Bennett on New Hampshire told a woman she should lose weight or court dire health consequences.

So what did this woman do?

She went to the New Hampshire Board of Medicine and complained about the insensitive lout. They actually investigated Bennett at that point, eventually referring matters to the state's attorney general.

It's Big Fast Food's fault that we're fat, though. Just keep that in mind...

The Illinois County of Cook and City of Chicago are putting extra effort (and, consequently, money) into fighting the insidious West Nile Virus, spread by skeeters.

Why, there have been SEVEN CASES of it this summer!

Don't see 'em getting tough on, oh, Walk-In-Front-of-Car Virus or, hell--seven in an area of at least 4 million people--Drop-a-Hibachi-on-Your-Head Virus...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/26/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Straight White Guys Dancing Alone

This is a relevant topic.

When you go to see live music, you inevitably see the titularly referenced guys doing the titularly referenced action. And it's not pretty.

So... I think the headline tells the story in this case.

Quite titularly.

He he.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2005:

The virgin seemed cool, and so quaint

so Tess took 'em home, but did faint

from pain, as he diddled.

Of sex, he knew little,

and pokin' 'round, bruised up her taint.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Speaking of today's Limerick, the other night I had to explain to this lady--a hot young looker, in fact--exactly what a "taint" is.

It was onstage as part of a fake quiz thing for this show I host and... That's beside the point, except to point out again how cool I am. Explaining taints to hot babes onstage on all in the course of my everyday life.

Anyhow, that's about it for today, I suppose... Oh, wait!

As long as we're one nugget short of a "Taint Hunk," I injured my taint recently.

Sat down on a bench and hit the arm portion in the middle of it with my... Well, with my taint.

Hurt like hell. Was bruised for a couple of days.

Ahem.

So send in your taint stories!

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin': Let's talk taint!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2005:

Since FCC's new major function's

quashing Press' naughty compunctions

where are all the hearings

on Robertson's jeerings--

a blatant Christian faith malfunction?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Legislators in the State of Hawaii have voted to institute a "cap" on gas prices.

Of course, the very basis of the idea is toothless. OPEC member nations are not expected to say, "Well, I guess that, due to supply and demand, we have to raise the price a bit... But wait! We can't! The State of Hawaii won't stand for it! Guess we have to lose money on gas sales from now on."

In reading about this gas "cap," I learned that nobody could really explain how it worked. Somehow, it could actually lead to HIGHER gas prices, as it doesn't take into account taxes above the wholesale rate or... Let's just say it's a confusing, largely nonsensical phenomenon.

But, considering it addresses a matter of great public concern without actually doing anything about the matter, it is what is known as "smart politics"...

Gretchen Watson, a country-Western singer--and I don't know enough about her to know if she's indeed a country-Western singer or a MTV/VH-1 kinda "country-Western" singer--has been dubbed "The Redneck Woman."

In fact, one of her newer songs is all about her getting turned on over the smell of Skoal on a man's breath.

As a musician, her work is popular among the teenage and younger set. And Skoal, of course, is a tobacco product.

So although Skoal hasn't given her a dime or offered any sort of contract prompting her to sing its praises, Tennessee Attorney General Paul "Wish I Were Stalin" Summers is plotting some sort of crack-down on her Skoal-praise-singing activity.

Remember: It takes a village... To browbeat and batter every single adult into proper role model behavior.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/28/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Oldie But a Hairy

When I was just a lil' shaver, me and my best friend at the time, Jimmy, would play with toy cars. Mostly of the Matchbox or Hot Wheels variety, but some off-brand ones as well.

Most of the cars, of course, modeled real-world cars that young boys thought cool. Lil' corvettes, pick-up trucks, cop cars, etc. Some were based on one-of-a-kind types, like the Batmobile, General Lee from the "Dukes of Hazzard" TV show, etc.

I remember one with a logo emblazoned on the hood reading, "Oldie but a Goodie." I'm still not sure of the derivation of that one.

But I remember it because I started calling it, for some reason, "Oldie but a Hairy." Ala, "Coming around for the final lap it's Oldie but a Hairy..." etc.

One day Jimmy "Shush"-ed me in calling out the name, as his mom was within possible hearing distance.

"What's wrong with 'Oldie but a Hairy'?" I said.

"It's...dirty," he replied.

I didn't understand. He tried to explain.

"Well... Older women have, you know, hairy bushes so..." I was a little suspect. But I quieted down.

Still, today, I find myself throwing out the term "Oldie but a Hairy" occasionally, usually when "Oldie but a Goodie" would be appropriate, if cliche, input.

I have found myself starting to explain the derivation of the phrase but... Well, it's really not all that amusing. Or interesting.

As you've undoubtedly noted.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/28/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Beachcombing

Is love

a drugged permutation

of hate?

An easy calm

punctuating

ocean silence?

Once the stillness

is disrupted,

faces wavered,

do love and hate

truly share

a mingled length?

Glass-lined bay,

let's not get too

far down the shore.

Sometimes I wonder

why the fragments

come in lightly.

Soft as ribbons,

shamed as words

finding sleep.

Are we but shells --

twin polished bones --

upon this beach?

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2005:

The Media's sure freakin' riled

o'er virus we've dubbed "the West Nile."

Cook County, 'lone, faces

a whole SEVEN CASES!

That's Press--hypochondriac style!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Listened to a bit of "Meet the Press," or perhaps whatever leads up to it, today. Expert guests, on-the-scene reporting--you know the spiel. The topic? The Iraq War.

Was heading to the bathroom and overheard, "Brought to you by BP."

It's the little things that clue you in to questions like, oh, how is there "controversy" when enough facts are floating around to win a court case on at lest a "preponderance of evidence" standard?...

Cindy Sheehan is... Well, she's a non-issue.

As you may have gleaned, I'm not exactly in favor of the Iraq War, but I've decided not to be partisan about the issues. That is, I've decided to use my brain on them. Which doesn't fit the "Red State, Blue State" model.

Anyway, even overlooking, say, the timing of things, and the fact that her son isn't alive to speak for himself, well... Sheehan can't be trusted.

She's too close to the event to be considered a rational, logical pundit upon it.

I know that, in city council meetings across the land, in broadcast media, in fact in all sorts of questionably productive forums, the rule is to trot out the tragedy victim for his or her opinion.

But it's still not a logical opinion.

I support Cindy Sheehan's cause. But I can't rally around her.

This might surprise some readers, but certainly not Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, but you don't have to rally behind every cog in your "liberal" and "conservative" and "Democratic" and "Republican" machines, you know...

Headline:

"Panel Votes to Move Illinois National Guard Unit to Ind."

Just a reminder as to why our nation was founded on the basis of constant government mistrust...

If you go to a doctor or therapist and tell her you believe in something that just violates the fundamental laws of logic, she'll be suspicious.

Perhaps if it is harmless enough and doesn't interfere with your life, she'll let it go.

But if you regularly spend time and energy on this belief, despite any real-life indication that your belief is valid... She'd probably mark you for serious, long-term recovery efforts.

Then again, I do know Cubs fans who are functional members of society...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' DANGEROUS BONEHEAD OF GRAND PROPORTIONS AWARD 8/29/2005:

Today's Awardee: Stephen Joseph

[NOTE: The DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' BONEHEAD OF GRAND PROPORTIONS AWARD has recently been renamed the DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' DANGEROUS BONEHEAD OF GRAND PROPORTIONS AWARD to better reflect its, er, founding ideals. Or something.]

Stephen Joseph is a San Francisco-based attorney and the proprietor of BanTransFat.com (e-mail 'em and call him an idiot, won't you?).

He successfully managed to sue McDonald's for not lowering the trans fat in their French fries, as everybody knows those fries are always jumping around throwing themselves down people's throats.

Anyway, as far as I know, McDonald's didn't have some contract with the government to lower the trans fat in their fries, but the public at large views a burger chain as ectoplasmic health food of the Gods, of course.

But... Aw, hell. He's a Dangerous Bonehead who, if he really wants to do the world some good, should off himself.

And, mark my words, next time he makes the DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' DANGEROUS BONEHEAD OF GRAND PROPORTIONS AWARD, I won't pull punches.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/29/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Schubertian Haiku

Schubert's Trout Quintet

Daily limit only four

Do not keep the bass

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2005:

Conservatives now like to pout:

"No proof Bush fudged this war with clout."

But like trials of Clinton

"proof" comes with mere hintin'--

pols get DETRIMENT of the doubt.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

So Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that, if anything happens to him, it's George W. Bush's fault.

Now this is, of course, coming on the heels of Pat Robertson's saying we should assassinate Chavez.

Hmm. How could Chavez possibly confuse the words of a prominent Christian nutball with those of our secular government; hmm indeed...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that DL/S&Y isn't a fan of improv because... Well, Andy Richter explained it for us the other day while celebrating the 25th year of Improv Olympic in Chicago. Although the organization is still in its 24th year. Which would provide even further explanation for DL/S&Y's opinion, 'cept that it's no more guilty than our society overall, which celebrated a whole freakin' millennium a year ahead of time.

Anyway, quoth the Richter: "There's an apparent apology in improv. 'Cut us some slack because we're making it up as we go.'"

So... Why not see REAL comedy?...

Copped a listen the other day to the soundtrack for the latest "Herbie the Love Bug," produced, of course, by Disney.

The CD was composed completely of '70s songs. Re-made by today's artists.

Proven hits plus extra-shillability provided by MTV-approved models...er, musicians.

Still wondering why Disney is considered textbook Americana?...

Is there such a thing as "Jew Trash"?

Just wondering. I figured it'd be different than "White Trash," if there is such a thing as Jew Trash but... Whoops!

Sorry! How insensitive of me!

I meant "Jew Trash-Americans" and "White Trash-Americans"...

For what it's worth, as a cigar smoker I still get a really kick out of cell phone users forced outdoors with their habit.

Despite the fact that the cell backlash has sorta, kinda endeared me to their users.

Funny how that works, huh?

Well, at least SOMETHING's funny about this last nugget...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2005:

Big Mother says: Young fans get coddled!

And Gretch Wilson won't play Role Model

in singin' 'bout Skoal--

(though not on their dole)

so, to conform Lib'rally's, throttled.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2005:

It's August and, everywhere, it seems to be hotter than Jennifer Love Hewitt's (name yer body part)--so cool down with Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' (and the rest of the cast of dreck-mongers)! Six years of this? The least you can do is send in your Daily Limerick Memories... Munchlappers...

Joseph Krist, an inmate at Wilson County Jail in San Antonio, Texas, somehow managed to sneak his way into a cell with eight women.

At first read, I was tempted to shout out a "You Go Guy!" to Krist, as images of a late-night Cinemax flick came to mind.

However, Krist managed to stay in the cell for 11 whole hours. Conjuring images of being in a cell with women from another cable feature--"Sex in the City."

Conjuring images of Krist cursing the fact that prison officials seize belts and shoelaces upon admittance...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/31/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Barbecue Under Attack

Some group calling itself the Physicians Committee for the Elimination of Everything Remotely Enjoyable...er, sorry, that was a typo, let's start over:

Some group calling itself the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has found that barbecuing meat causes the existence of HCAs, which apparently cause cancer. This on top of a discovery a few years back, which you may or may not remember, of the presence of PAHs in barbecued meat, which also appear to cause cancer.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should see where this is going:

Surgeon General's warning on grills and charcoal, followed by a public largely "ho-humming" the warnings, followed by draconian increases in taxes, followed by further public "ho-humming," followed by hissy fits among the Do-Gooder Elite that the damn public and its pesky "free willl" leads them to lifestyle decisions different from their own, followed by trumped up "studies" citing the dire effects of "secondhand barbecue"...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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