Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2005:

Bank robb'ries are up 'cross the nation

thanks to ec'nomic situation.

Guess Bush didn't fib--

new bankrobber gigs

are part of his claimed "job creation"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2005:

New FCC Fuhrer Kevin Martin, threatening to take the organization's pre-1950 retro War on Free Speech from network TV to cable, is badgering the industry to come up with different cable-packages for increased governmental...er, increased parental control. As examples, he suggested "family-friendly tiers" or "a la carte" purchases (as opposed to wholesale channel blocks).

Am I the only one who even still remembers that V-Chip, which was congressionally forced into televisions as Parental Savior back in the '90s by the Naughtiness Nazis?

I only harp on the damn V-Chip because the solution it allegedly replaced has become downright primitive--parenting, of course, is SOOO last century...

While the Vatican is a wide-open target because its philosophies happen to be SOOOO four centuries ago, its latest misguided policy on homosexuality and the priesthood is not discriminatory against homosexuals.

Sure, they expect priests to abstain from gay sex--but they also expect straight priests to abstain from sex. Hell, they prefer everybody to mostly abstain from sex.

So the "homophobic" label doesn't apply, at least not in this specific situation. Try "sexophobic"...

Headline:

"Al Gore Turns Down 'The Simpsons'"

Wouldn't want to contradict to the stereotype of modern liberals losing their sense of humor now, would we?...

Another headline:

"Women's Sex Crimes Against Boys No Longer a Joke"

Hmm. So if it's not a joke, what should us masses call it when we take a brief respite to discuss the phenomenon in between guffaws of laughter?...

Saw a newspaper feature the other day about women fiction writers with a headline claiming of fiction that "It's Still a Man's Game."

Writer's Digest statistics indicate that, among professional writers, women outnumber men.

This is one of those "facts" that... Well, the sky is blue and women are oppressed, in every field, in every way, whether it's 1850, 1950 or 2350.

Of course, there is also the argument that, quantity of writers aside, women are less-publicized and earn less money at writing. Witness the abject poverty of, say, shunned pauper novelist J.K. Rowling...

A bizarre crime story from the Associated Press parlays a tale of a Wendy's franchise being robbed--by an employee allegedly named Ronald McDonald.

And, perhaps because readers may be reality-challenged with recent word of possible steroid testing in the, er, "sport" of professional "wrestling," it saw it necessary to also state, of the suspect, that "the man is no relation to the red-haired clown"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2005:

Real issues are cast from the table--

FCC, Congress take on cable.

They think you and me

are helpless, you see--

to change the channel, we're unable.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2005:

The Iraq War.

The War on Secondhand Smoke.

Most of us support one and not the other.

Proving that one man's "trumped up justification" is another man's dogma...

In viewing some charts indicative of our generally increasing quality of life, put together with the purpose of proving the case for Free Market purism, I noted the "evidence" of "women in the work-force" increasing from 31.5 percent in 1970 to 56.6 percent in 1990.  An interesting piece of data providing a case study as to why Free Market purists are just as nutty as most forms of extremists...er, purists.

At one point, it was all about women being allowed equal representation in the workplace. Yet it's curious that, once that goal was more-or-less realized, the cost of living skyrocketed to the point where many women have no choice but to bring home a second income for her family...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 12/2/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Digable Cat

Oddly enough, Digable Cat is quite digable.

Oh, their music jams and all that. But here are a couple secrets on them:

One, I've introduced them at shows and the lead singer babe has managed to sneak up on stage, stepping on my intro, multiple times. Leading me to refuse featuring them in this space for many moons.

Two, the lead singer, best seen in the summer, is somehow transformed from attractive to ridiculously attractive when wearing high-heeled sandals. (Don't you love how I don't actually name band members? And while I'm at the parenthetical thing, they have a MySpace account in addition to the Link provided--but, again, MySpace sucks ass.)

Oh, and she can really belt out a tune. And as long as she doesn't step on my "outro," I guess I'm okay with her...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2005:

Viewing marketing madness as litmus

Santa's adding much rum to his Swiss Miss.

Both grow worse each year

and now many fear

that he'll soon need the 12 Steps of Christmas.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2005:

A survey finds that 24 percent of us do not enjoy office Christmas parties.

Grinchy?

Hmm. Let's think about this... When I think holidays, I think of friends and family, relaxation and merriment. When I think of the office, where most of us spend beyond forty hours per week already... Hmmm.

ONLY 24 percent?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2005:

I'm so glad that doomsay'rs make clear

that dire Global Warming is here.

Must be expert call

'cause I'm freezin' balls

with each day's temps low'r than last year's.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2005:

Headline:

"WHO Won't Hire People Who Smoke"

"WHO" being, of course, the World Health Organization. Not the band, shitferbrains.

And it's all perfectly legal. And it's not just people smoking outdoors at work. It covers free time.

But, of course, people will ignore this slight because it affects a minority abhorred by modern society.

Warned the world where the tobacco "victimization" lawsuits would lead and it didn't listen, so get ready to shut your burger-hole when you're fired for hittin' the donut shop...

So Scott Stapp, formerly of the Jesus freak band Creed but who was for all practical purposes fired from the Christian Rock God title upon disappointing fans with a high-profile, botched performance due to his intoxicated state--although, in fairness, he claims it was a bad prescription--well, ahem:

Stapp got into a fight with the band 311 at a Baltimore hotel on Thanksgiving. While he was drinking at a bar.

Hmm. If he's not careful, Christian hypocrisy like this could land him a job with the Bush team...

From a "Help Wanted" ad:

"Like Advertising?"

Do... Do you mean there are people out there who actually like... (Shudder)...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/4/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Elfish Love

Christmas Season reminds me that, for the longest time, I wanted to bang an elf. A she-elf, of course, but... Ahem.

I don't know if it's the pointy ears or the big eyes or... Of course, there is no standard agreement as to what an elf looks like, owing much to the fact that elves, well, don't exactly exist but... By the way, I thought Liv Tyler was an excellent choice to play an elf in the Lord of the Rings movies. She has that look. That look that, well... Hmm.

I think this little fetish reached its peak around junior high, seeing pictures of hot chick elves in Dungeons & Dragons books.

Seriously, though, there's nothing abnormal about this. What guy hasn't fantasized about fictional babes--say, Betty Rubble? And masses of guys wanted to do videogame character Lara Croft so... Hmm yet again. I don't wanna be lumped in with that pathetic phenom.

Nonetheless, I still want to do-up an elf chick. I'm sure there's some Internet site that... I'm gonna do my best to not think about chick elves for a while, I think; that's probably in my best mental interest...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/4/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Posing for a picture by the window

click. arch. click. living

heat done artist-ice, a border

of gold leaf, a hammering beat,

a tv without need, a signal,

a pulse, a click-arch-

CLICK! her hair, a

sculpture of air, is there

a there to augment the here.

the shore is behind the glaze. i

can't see her face. glass.

her waist. her silhouette,

a triumph, a wave. click-arch.

click.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2005:

Society's mouth is agape

at recent chick stat'tory rapes--

long province of men

who ruin lives, but when

it's boys they may as well don capes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2005:

Happy Martin van Buren's birthday! Designate a driver...

It seems the world, or some section of it badly in need of a hobby, is perplexed as to why so many Hollywood babes are going for country-singer guys.

But I have the answer:

"Country" IS Hollywood now...

My Sunday newspaper ad inserts informed me of a new toy line called "My Scene Bling Bling Dolls."

It's never too early to start kids on a shallow, materialistic path...

Headline from yesterday's USA Weekend insert:

"What Does Ricky Martin Want for Christmas?"

Again, I have the answer:

A career!...

All sorts of artists are jumping on the holiday music bandwagon, including the not-so-present-on-the-scene-lately Smash Mouth. They've just released, "The Gift of Rock."

Evidently running out of offerings for the corporate jingle market...

The TV asked:

"Want incredible entertainment experiences in your lap?"

Well, hey, every guy enjoys a stripper now and again, but I don't know what that has to do with Intel...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 12/5/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Faculties Haiku

College sex ratio:

Entire student body, or

Is it per person?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2005:

So Smash Mouth released "Gift of Rock"

to cash in on Christmas gift clock

and use ol' Kris Kringle

to land corp'rate jingles--

upholding them as Lords of Schlock.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2005:

There's a bit of a hubbub in the journalism and media-watching worlds over coverage of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade by the "Today" show's Katie Couric and Matt Lauer.

While covering the event, a balloon broke loose, actually injuring a couple of spectators. Couric and Lauer decided against mentioning the balloon incident, seeing the coverage as "entertainment," as opposed to "news."

Here's where the controversy comes in: Many say that journalists should always be prepared to cover "news," even when it breaks out during an event expected to be mere "entertainment."

However, I think a different debate is in order. Considering that we're talking about "Today" show folks, we should set definitions of "news" and "entertainment" aside and instead ponder the definition of "journalist"...

Saw news of an upcoming panel/discussion/lecture type of event in Chicago called, "In the Treatment of Depression."

Sponsored, oddly enough, by Pfizer. The drug company.

Therefore, here's a rundown of the event's content: "If you're wondering whether you have depression or not, you do; therefore, take expensive drugs for the treatment; thank you, goodnight"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/6/2005:

Concerning yesterday's Limerick, about the recent phenomenon of woman-on-boy statutory rape cases:

> i learned the definition for "agape" and "ajar" at the same time, you shoulda

> used both words in the same limerick, oh the memories!

How odd. How could I have overlooked that? The whole reason I started Daily Limerick to begin with was to indulge the yawn-inducing, childhood memories of anonymous nutloaf readers with Limericks that the rest of the Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers wouldn't follow!

By the way, I learned the words "knucklehead" and "chowderhead" at the same time, myself...

DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2005:

Why's everyone acting surprised

that "star" chicks now date "country" guys?

Made MTV pretty

(and MTV shitty)

now "country's" been Hollywood-ized.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2005:

Hollywood is now working on, and preparing for near-future release of, numerous films about September 11, 2001.

Bringing to mind the obvious question: Which stars will play out the romance story lines?...

Headline:

"Kids Not Eating Veggies at Restaurants, Either"

Hmm. The Health Nazis badgered the shit out of restaurants to play Big Mother and the situation hasn't changed.

Making them, undoubtedly, seething, frothing mad.

The next step for the Health Nazis, following precedent, is to trump up some "evidence" showing fat kids' eating habits hurt OTHERS.

Laugh all you want now. But, statistically speaking, you'll likely be embracing the idea of "secondhand cholesterol" in five to ten years...

From a recurring ad that's just been bugging me lately:

"Are You Rich Yet? 5 Reasons Why Most Americans Aren't"

How about ONE reason: If most Americans were rich, that would make being rich average, thus making them non-rich...

I'm wearing a Santa hat around outdoors lately. Partly because of the season, and partly because it's freakin' cold in Chicago and the hat is quite warm over the ears.

However, "playing Santa" would be a lot easier if, well, people weren't so damn self-absorbed, stupid, rude, fat, ugly...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 12/7/2005:

A study on modern day cell-phone prevalence has found that many families on the cell habit feel something other than technological empowerment, with the office always able to reach them at home, kids always able to reach them at the office, etc.

In fact, researchers found that cell-savvy parents find "increased psychological distress and reduced family satisfaction."

But S&Y was just playing pessimist in (repeatedly) pronouncing that technology has reached a point where it often actually HARMS our life quality. And, consequently, that this is only going to grow more so.

But, hey! They've made one STILL SMALLER! No turning back--can't stop the flow of, er, "progress?"

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/7/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Writing Checks for Groceries

To grocery stores: Disallow it. Now. And, to hell with the activists--institute a policy whereby anybody attempting it in this day and age is beaten. Hell, the people in line behind the schlub will probably help out with that.

And to the individuals writing checks for groceries: Bank account debit and/or credit cards are now available. They work just like a check, without the actual paper, or filling-out business, or threats on your life by shoppers behind you in line.

Oh, and another thing--calculators have been invented that will easily fit a pocket or purse. Which comes in handy if, say, you'd like to calculate the cost of your groceries as you go, so you don't end up taking one item at a time off the conveyer to slowly whittle the load to within your budget...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2005:

September Eleventh-themed flicks

and being made, Hollywood slick

so sensitive issue's

treatment gets less "to-do"

than which stars play side romance shtick.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2005:

University of Kansas religion professor Paul Mirecki created hubbub over his reaction to the state's recent retro-1700 education guidelines, which for the teaching of "Intelligent Design."

He ranted and raved in an e-mail about the situation, calling the Fundamentalists behind the guidelines "fundies" and musing about referring to Intelligent Design as myth in his classroom. The e-mail eventually found public light. He unfortunately "explained himself" a bit, sorta apologizing and... Well, now he's been beaten by two anonymous attackers.

Hmm.

You'd think the "Intelligent" part would render our "Design" capable of reading and following The Ten Commandments--or perhaps part of the whole ID theory is that God meant to call 'em "The Ten Suggestions"...

Steven Zorn of St. Paris, Ohio had just signed-on to a big time rap recording deal and, in celebrating... Well, he blew his own brains out with an item of bling: a pen gun.

Finally, rappers join the rest of the literary world in proving that the pen is, indeed, mightier than the sword...

I found another problem with walking around in a Santa hat for protection from the cold: Assuming you're some sort of jolly do-gooder, people ask you for directions and such.

This, of course, is at odds with the Curmudgeon Thing I've got workin'.

But, hey, it's Christmas time.

So I guess I can put up with the ass bastards for a few weeks...er, I mean, Peace on Earth, Goodwill To Men (or at least Goodwill to Hot Chicks)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2005:

Hil Clinton's 'mid focus group tests

to ensure she's 'head of Dem rest.

But of Iraq War

she says less, not more--

thus just a John Kerry with breasts?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2005:

So Congress and the Fuhrer's Communication Commission...er, Federal Communications Commission, wide-eyed and frothing over successfully  wiping their asses with the First Amendment at the expense of network TV, began  goose-stepping in the direction of cable TV--you know, the "alternative" to the  public airwaves that customers have to order and, thus, INVITE into their  homes--and our brave, progressive Media sounded-off defensively right off the  bat, vowing to fight tooth and nail to... Ahem.

Actually, Time-Warner and Comcast, which together must control at least half of all broadcast media, have begun licking Congress/FCC  ass, just in case the First Amendment Wipes missed any clingers, and have  already agreed to establish a "Family Tier" of programming.

Time-Warner and Comcast, curiously enough, are seeking FCC approval to purchase Adelphia cable.

Time-Warner and Comcast, however, are "private" companies, as many are more  thanwilling to point out, and "censorship" necessitates GOVERNMENT control over programming.

Thus: "No censorship here."

Hmm.

It is often said that a thriving Free Press is the foundation of any true Democracy.

I guess there's still hope that Iraq ends up with one.

Yahoo!, and other Internet sites featuring news coverage, allows readers to rate news stories.

Okay, so maybe that's not news to most of you, but recent analyses of this feature are showing that--surprise, surprise--readers aren't rating news on actual journalistic quality, but instead on whether they like or dislike the facts of the story itself.

In other words, "conservatives" give high ratings to stories about Iraqis cheering America and low ones about those pesky soldier deaths, while "liberals" give high ones to news of flagging Bush approval ratings and low ones to coverage of, citing today's Limerick, Hillary Clinton's support of the Iraq Mess Effort.

Coupled with Internet services allowing readers to pick and choose the topics they'd like news on, we may be seeing a future where people read only news that bolsters their already firm beliefs.

But, hey, don't blame the Internet for following the lead of traditional media like Fox News and big city "alt" weeklies...

Man! How 'bout the fuss those Christian activists are raising over the Christian-parable "Chronicles of Narnia" movies and their promotion of witchcraft! I've been following those protests and... Huh?

They're not protesting the "Narnia" flicks?

Hmm...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 12/9/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Arlum

What with poor note-taking and all, it's finally come to this for a band-related Friday entertainment column:

Arlum is cool. See their link.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/9/2005:

From kid static:

> i was looking at your profile and i thought you would be cool to talk to. check

> mine out and add me if you want.

Another MySpace letter. And I know I tend to go off on MySpace but... He's a rapper dude, he has 1,500-some "friends" and he called me...er, the Chief Limericist "cool."

So I guess this is out-of-character for Letters to the Idiot, but I'm answering this one all nice-like. After all, MySpace is a cool, convenient way to hook up with people sharing similar interests and views.

If you're 15-years-old...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2005:

With nine months each year to reflect

this year Frosty, craving respect

beyond realm of kiddies--

from ladies so pretty--

comes anatomic'lly correct.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2005:

Tom Skilling, weather guru at WGN TV (Chicago's WB), has a blog covering last night's storm in the area.

No, you didn't miss news of a Windy City hurricane.

A snow storm.

In December.

And did I mention it was in CHICAGO--not in Miami?

Silly me, leery at being part of the so-called "blogger" community.

Silly, silly me...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2005:

The "Narnia" flicks feature spells

and witchcraft, which sends one to hell

according to fundies

but there're no bunched undies

'cause parable's Christian as well!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2005:

Here's what I jotted into my Notebook O' Ideas to denote an S&Y nugget:

"People seeing ANYTHING in money more likely--even out 'real'"

Now, I don't expect that to make any sense to YOU, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. But I'm the one who wrote it down and I don't know what the hell I was referring to. Ninety-nine percent of the time, a seemingly nonsensical note like that is all it takes to remind myself of what it is I meant to say.

So I guess this falls under that OTHER one percent.

I know it had something to do with stocks and investing. I've been reading some books about that kind of thing that my dad recommended me. Not that I have any money to invest right now, but I figure it's a good idea, eventually. In theory, anyway. (Odd how most of my life plans are perpetually "in theory," but I digress.)

So... Reading about stock and investing, I take notes and can't even make sense of them.

A meaningless little anecdote, I know, but Kinda telling, in its own way, don't you think?...

I met someone's dog yesterday.

Nice dog, friendly and all, but extremely ill-behaved. Jumpin' all over me, stealin' hats, ignoring orders of "sit" and "no!"

The dog is my ex-wife's.

Speaking of meaningless but somehow telling anecdotes...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/11/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Own Personal "Christmas Carol"

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall know that the Chief Limericist here has been through some rough times over the past year. Part of this has entailed getting "stuck" with a pricey condo in a divorce--one that, on a writer's wages, is almost impossible to afford. Even with having my parents invest half. And taking on a renter/roommate.

Oh, ending up with the investment that is a pricey condo is probably the type of thing that Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have a hard time sympathizing with. Great investment and all, I know. So, if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, my obituary can read, "Was Miserable as All Hell With Living Situation--But HAD AN INVESTMENT."

Oh, okay. I wouldn't call myself "miserable" on any level. I'm generally very good at remaining relaxed and optimistic. But times are certainly...trying.

Anyhow, last year around this time, when the divorce was not yet finalized but the preparations, negotiations, etc. were mostly over, and I was just taking on the financial duties of the condo, times were especially rough. I could only hit the grocery store twice a week and actually went without milk, a lifelong dinnertime staple in my life, for a while. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may also recall the tale of the chick I was attracted to but yet decided to run from, when she suggested going out after a show I was in, to someplace with a cover charge I couldn't afford--something  I didn't want to admit and thus, well, ran. Literally. (See the 'chives for more on that sordid tale of woe.)

But around that time, I managed to score some extra freelance work that paid quite well and, in the end, was able to just sneak by and afford everything through, and well after, the holidays.

This year, my career income has hit an even more pathetic low and, to keep a long rant short, the whole roommate income thing has been...well, let's just say "trying" again. And I'm not like some rich, multi-unit landlord who can afford to have a handful of rent scofflaws. I need the rent to actually survive--unfortunately, again, month-to-month.

But over the past week, I've seen one new freelance gig come in and am about to finalize another that entails a whole lot of work but pays quite well. So, again, it's looking like I'll follow the pattern of experiencing ridiculous duress, spsawning high stress, giving way to a bit of luck/hard-earned opportunity, leading to, in the end, barely squeaking by for the holidays.

Again, my own personal Christmas Carol.

God bless us, every one!

(With, as usual, the possible exception of Paris Hilton.)

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/11/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: 15 floors up

Spiked with a sense of the inevitable,

he masturbated off the 15th floor

of the Westin Diplomat hotel. Tumescent

no longer. White strings frothed.

The ocean close, the surf distending.

His body swaying in the sun-scattered sky.

He follows the ocean's rhythmic dancing. Like

crumbling sand, cities of sand, his hand

on the balcony rail. Points of light

blooming, burning. Boiling bursting stars

exploding.

Diminished, fulfilled,

climbing into his room,

he slid the glass door closed.

And listened.

Couples were coming outside

to eat at the seaside cafe.

Icy cocktails would soon be salting their lips.

Their senses uncurling. The invisible pictures,

the years of photos, they'd trace out together.

Washing himself clean in the mirror,

he pictured them dancing. He listened to

them laughing. He romanticized them

and thought about home,

tracing that sense of belonging.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/11/2005:

> A gift from me to you...

That missive was sent, regrettably, to the Daily Limerick MySpace account--REMINDER: MYSpace is Hella-Lame--and includes the "gift" of a picture of Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo from the show "South Park."

Now, I am a fan of South Park but... I'm receiving shit for the holidays. Not even real shit but faux shit.

Ah, that MySpace! And so today's theme of near-meaningless but somehow telling anecdotes continues...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2005:

"My Scene 'Bling Bling Dolls'" have the vision

to assuage pop'lar derision

of our education

with youth of this nation

learning proper materialism.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2005:

So, the latest tactic of hopelessly Red State pundits to garner support for the Iraq War is claiming that we would've won in Vietnam had we not pulled out.

Which has the benefit of being a technically valid argument, as the crystal ball probably won't be invented soon...

One benefit of our recently prude-ifying society is that, at long last, people are getting sick of the "holiday/diversity" crap as it concerns the fear of the word "Christmas."

Anybody out there "offended" when they overhear well-wishing surrounding an anniversary or birthday that they, as the outsider, aren't celebrating?

Well, then everybody shut the hell up. We celebrate the season because of Christmas--and you won't disturb my festivity by mentioning Ramadan or Hanukah or Devil Fest or whatever the hell...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 12/12/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Ratings Haiku

It is better to

Be second rate, than not to

Be rated at all

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2005:

Some say "Merry Christmas" offends

through some lame "Diversity" lens.

But phrase is well-wishing;

don't mark it?--go fishing!

Still pissed? Well, then, up your rear end!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2005:

Let's say you have a friend--or, more correctly, a "friend"--and he tells you that he's in a dangerous way thanks to the malevolence of others, and in the past you've volunteered to help out should such a situation arise, and so you do, at risk to your own life.

Then, people start criticizing this friend's explanation for the "dangerous way's" arising, casting much blame on this friend. This upsets you a good deal, but you give your friend the benefit of the doubt, at least until any conclusive evidence rolls in, and despite all this... Well:

Your friend then, in defending himself, cites little evidence and instead hides behind YOU, claiming that people are ATTACKING YOU when they accuse him of things.

Now, a situation such as this would be quite a downer, don't you think?

Well, it's what the administration has done, and is doing, to the members of our armed forces.

It all seems so simple to understand but, when it comes down to it, there is no such thing as truly "foolproof"...

A common excuse given by Americans for having their heads up their asses concerning politics and current events--except, of course, where it concerns Celebrity Worship fare--is that "the news is just too negative."

Of course, the same people will turn around and follow every detail in a shiny, happy story like, say, Michael Jackson's trial for sexually abusing boys...but I digress. And, of course, most of our attention SHOULD focus on the negatives, as that's the starting point for crafting a more positive future...but I digress.

Now, we have HappyNews.com for these people to spend all that extra time and effort they were just itching to expend once news became "not so negative."

So there. I won't be hearing the excuse anymore, right?...

Question: Is there such a thing as an amateur prostitute?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2005:

Web services, such as Yahoo!'s,

let users so filter their news

that all pesky facts

can keep on one track--

whiche'er partisan slant you choose!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2005:

There's more talk in the news about Congress and the FCC forcing their merger-created monster, the cable-TV industry, into offering "family tier" programming.

Read that much of the problem arises from parents not being able to understand a "complicated" ratings system--what with "TV Y" and "TV 14" and such.

There's an easy solution but, unfortunately, it's even MORE complicated. And currently rather un-hip.

It's called "parenting"...

By the way, with all the talk of cable-TV programming problems, isn't anybody going to address the frightening dearth of cop/FBI/courtroom drama shows?...

The hip, new trend sweeping the nation? The elderly selling their legal painkillers to bad, bad addicts!

Now, you may wonder why the addicts are "bad" for doing "accepted" drugs. And, as you may have predicted, I'm gonna tell you why, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Those drugs are PRESCRIBED by a qualified doctor who, upon carefully examining a patient with all the scientific/medical know-how at his or her command, discovers that a certain drug will increase the patient's wellness better than other available options. Either that or the patient sees a commercial for the drug, really wants it and the doctor, having been wined and dined by the pharmaceutical company behind said drug, thus prescribes it.

Whoops! There I go, waxing all cynical again!

Okay, I'll add this, in the interest of Truth:

The doctor doesn't simply give a patient any old drug asked for. The doctor has to first answer, to his or herself, a critical, deciding question:

"Can the patient pay for this drug, with insurance or otherwise?"...

So the Department of Energy has rescinded its recent prediction that the price of oil would drop this century--now admitting, surprise surprise, that it will undoubtedly rise.

Hey. We can look to the DOE for expert analyses but, 'mon, understanding a complex concept like "Supply and Demand"?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/14/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Eating and Traveling

When I went to New York, I didn't take the ferry out to the Statue o' Liberty. In Philadelphia, I didn't get downtown for a good look at the Ben Franklin (and other) statues. Seattle?--no Space Needle. So I can't tell you about those experiences.

But I can tell you about Ollie's Noodle Shop in Manhattan, some kick-ass Philly sandwich shops and a place in the Seattle region with Olympic-sized burritos.

That's how I travel. Don't need a snapshot of myself standing in front of some landmark, aping a pose zillions of others have used to bore generation upon generation of family and friends with.

What good is a walk down a Memory Lane that doesn't boast a good sandwich shop or two? Or three? Or...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2005:

So FCC's seeking to clip

cable-TV Free Speech. V-Chip

and ratings?--"Confusing!"

The old way, we're losing

for parenting now's so unhip.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2005:

Was reading today about some of the latest celebrity prenuptial agreement clauses, which include penalties for putting on weight and the allowance of drug testing.

Regulations to regulate people's weight and health? Who do these celebs think they are--big city aldermen?...

Speaking of the Death of Romance, here's a teaser headline from yesterday's newspaper:

"Think Blind Dates are Bad: Consider the Alternatives."

Alternatives cited in the actual story include, well, Internet dating. That's about it.

Actually living life and meeting people face-to-face would be a silly "alternative," I guess...

Speaking of major city councils (a nugget ago, anyway), ethics classes are now required for City of Chicago workers as a way of "damage control" from recent and, let's face it, perpetual scandal.

I guess that, without training, one can't be expected to know that bribery and extortion are wrong. At least unless that bribery/extortion comes from the training in ethics/diversity/sexual harassment/you-name-it industry...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2005:

Celebrity prenups gone frantic--

forbid weight gain; drug tests for antics!

While non-stars crave love

I thank stars--above!--

I'm not hopeless AS a romantic!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2005:

Grabbing my morning newspaper yesterday, I was made immediately aware of the fact that the City of Chicago will be raising cigarette taxes by 20 cents.

This, coming a week after the City Council voted to ban smoking because of the mythological "secondhand smoke evidence""--which came about, you see, because the government doesn't want us to smoke.

Although... Hmm, if people DO smoke much less, "Pop!" goes the budget.

Also in recent weeks, the State of Illinois passed a measure banning "junk food" in public schools. Although... Hmm, the schools really need that vending machine money or, well, "Pop!" goes yet another budget.

No possible problem with the government and "Big Mother" taking such a legislative interest in our health, is there? Nope. No conflict of interest or problem at'll...

The National Restaurant Association finds that at least one-in-four diners would prefer to have a TV to watch while out dining.

Soon, the mass, at-all-times diversion will be complete, and those pessimistic 1950s sci-fi books will prove prescient on at least one level...

Bob Dylan has been given an XM satellite radio contract.

I suppose that on-air contests will award prizes to callers who can, well, discern anything, anything that Dylan is "talking" about...

Read about a strip club in Harvey, Illinois, called Arnie's Exotic Dancers.

Its address? 14701 S. Wood.

He he...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 12/16/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Danny Donuts

Danny Donuts would probably prefer being referred to as a Beatles interpreter. Like El Vez is with Elvis... Oh, I haven't profiled El Vez in this section yet, have I?

Anyway, Danny does Beatles parodies and "interpretations," ala "Lucy in the Sky with Linus" (also tying in some Peanuts parody) and also a bunch of his own songs. Plus, the guy's had me on his (former) Internet radio show TWICE!

An innovative cat, Mr. Donuts has taped some kids' shows (DVDs available on his Web site) and has been doing Christmas performances/parties at various Chicago residents' homes this season.

So check out the Donut Man. You'll laugh. Or at least be shockingly entertained, or something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2005:

Like most guys, ol' Claus needs a hook

to meet chicks and get love to cook.

His big "Naughty" list

proved hard to resist--

and now's Santa's "Little Black Book."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2005:

The Mainstream Media is in a state of marvel over the fact that Britney Spears was the #1 Yahoo for 2005. Er, make that the #1 Yahoo!-searched celebrity for 2005 (the #1 Yahoo! title has too many fine candidates to choose from).

Why the marvel? Well, Britney didn't release a CD this year.

There is no marvel here at DL/S&Y over Britney's spot in Internet culture. WE realize that most Britney searches don't include words like "CD" or even "music."

"Nude," "dwarf orgy," "breasts" and other terms probably accompany most "Britney Spears" searches, but this obsession has very little to do with her "music"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2005:

So XM has singed-up Bob Dylan

for slot as sat'lite radio fill-in.

A mush-mouted ol' hippie?

It seems rather dippy

a way for XM to be shillin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2005:

Morgan Freeman reportedly sounds off in an interview taped for today's "60 Minutes" that Black History Month is a sham and should be killed-off.

But without those History Months...how will we pretend to make an effort to give a shit?...

From a flyer advertising a lecture to supplement our Medicated Majority:

"Campril--The Treatment for Alcoholism"

Wow. Stop doing a drug by...taking A DIFFERENT drug (and one that feeds Big Medicine's wallet, to boot)!

Amazing!

Just because a person or entity is evil to the core, it doesn't follow that you can't take a moment to appreciate a stroke of genius--evil genius, true, but genius nonetheless...

Speaking of our Everybody's-A-Victim Society, here are two quotes from Friday's newspaper:

"Defensive lineman Darrell Russell had a promising start with the Raiders before drugs ruined his career."

And:

From Tobacco Industry ambulance chaser Joseph Power:  "[Tobacco] kills 440,000 Americans a year."

I can't believe the Mainstream Media is ignoring this. Cover up, perhaps? Fear of inciting public panic maybe?

Inanimate objects are springing to life and attacking people and nobody seems to care!...

Saw an e-mail ad for a vibrating cell phone.

No big deal, you say? Well, this one vibrates in a way so as to cause, well, carnal pleasure.

Congrats, Cell Phone Industry! You've topped videophones with a way to distract the already in-another-world public with even greater levels of distraction!...

Yo! All you cultural centers and fine arts centers and otherwise artsy-ass organizations:

How about staying open nights and weekends? Really, you get freakin' tax money and you end up serving mostly old ladies with nothing better to do on a weekday afternoon.

And you incompetent city workers get paid enough, so quit your yappin' about overtime and earn your buck, even if it's only by taking odd-hour shifts. Why I oughta, well I should, oh, pfft...

(That, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, was the literary equivalent of "losing it." We apologize for any consternation)...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/18/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: She Gave Me the Clap(per)

We all know the saying, regarding gifts, about how it's not the cost of the gift but the thought that counts.

Well, DL/S&Y has its own clause to add to that: "...or, better yet, the cheeziness that counts."

As an example, one year my sister bought me a Clapper for a Christmas gift--you know, the device that turns light switches, etc., on and off through an audio cue, whether that be the titular hand clap or, as our Christmas revelry that year found, a good foot stomp or smack on the head.

We, as "advanced" human beings, will often muse about how a pet will ignore a store-bought toy, designed for pet-play purposes, in favor of an old sock or pencil. But we humans are much the same regarding gifts.

As a telling example, last year, I received a fairly expensive digital camera, and I've rarely used the thing.

But somebody else gave me a ??? that, to this day, I make use of regularly.

So I guess that's one of our Christmas gifts to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers: An alibi and excuse for being a cheapskate gift-giver!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/18/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: The heavy

Pushing with their noses,

solar fish nudge craters open.

This song marks the beginnings of a bridge

rising over the roadway. Pink hail

freezing in a rainpipe.

Words sharing one bed, a spangle of bracelets

broken. (the muscles in her arms roll;

her paste jewelry comes down in pieces)

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/18/2005:

> Hey John,

>

> I had meant all day to e-mail or call you to say I heard you reading one of

> your limericks on the WGN-TV Morning News today, Friday, December 16. I was

> late going home from work on the train tonight, and I called you from my

> cell phone to finally tell you. I spoke with your roommate, who said he

> would let you know.

>

> It was during the Voicemail segment that they run that they played the

> message you recorded reciting your limerick. I was in the other room from

> where my TV is, and I heard your voice on the TV and by the time I got

> there, I heard the ending line only, "He'll need the twelve steps of

> Christmas," and saw that they posted your web site address on screen. The

> weather guy made some stupid, unconvincing comment like, "Oh yeah, we need

> more limericks, don't we?" And, then they moved on.

>

> Anyway, it was fun to hear, and I hope you get more hits on your web site as a

> result.

>

> Have a good weekend,

> Katie

WGN is, for the unknowing Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, a local TV station. National on some cable dials, I hear. Also the WB here in Chicago. For what that's worth.

Anyhow, I met some cat who deals with their "Reader Voicemail" dillio and he recommended that I fire off a Limerick now and again and, well, I think you can figure out the rest of it from here, even bein' Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers and all.

Oh, and as for that no good, rascally weatherman:

My prognostications have been right more often than yours.

For what THAT'S worth.

Not much in either direction, really...

Oh, and then there's this joker:

> Thank you for showing me the Missing Link!

> Tonight I performed for beautiful Irish dancers at their holiday party. I

> performed for a half hour and made $300- Thanx Johnny B (the other one) That

> came out of my radio appearance.

> Cheers,

> Danny D

This is, of course, from the one and only Danny Donuts, referring to my link on the site (Sloop's Glantamerous Links) and a prominent local radio cat!

Big deal.

Irish dancers. Braggart. And I'm sure you gave 'em a serving of your own corned beef and cabbage. Perhaps minus the cabbage. I think. My innuendo-making brain section is a bit off.

P.S. I think he's a jelly.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2005:

The number one search on Yahoo!

for '05 was Britney Spears, dudes.

Some thought that would cease--

no CD release--

but most don't seek music: They're lewd.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2005:

Note to comedians, political columnists, editorial cartoonists, et. al.:

Shut up about Howard Dean's infamous "Dean Scream."

First of all, it was just a sound byte from a speech that, taken as a whole, wasn't all that weird, but which happened to feed into the lazy-ass voter attitude by giving a convenient, thoughtless excuse to eliminate a candidate because actually following the issues takes too much effort, especially for those (most) who get all their news from TV.

Secondly, the joke is over a year old, so file it in the archives. Oh, and the Clinton/Lewinsky jokes still need to go there, too, ya' loaf lappers...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that the Chief Limericist here peruses every single section of the newspaper--advertising flyers, classifieds, even boredom's stronghold in the real estate sections and the unworthy-for-ass-wiping "USA Weekend"--so it should come as now surprise that I read the "Ask the Oby-Gyn" feature, too.

And I'm seeing all this talk of "oral contraceptive."

Which sound A-OK here at DL/S&Y; let us know how we can help the public service campaign...

***

WASTE-OF-TIME ADVICE FOR THE HOPELESS 12/19/2005:

(In Which S&Y Takes a Newspaper Letter to an "Advice Columnist" written by Some Pathetic Wretch and Provides the Answer the "Expert" Should Have Given)

Idiot letter:

"I'm finding it hard to keep my workouts with the winter months. Any advice?"

S&Y's Answer:

Either get self-discipline or face it: There is no "magic advice." You're hopelessly, forever fat. So stop feeding the pathetic "Magic Solution Diet/Exercise Industry." And hit the Internet--there are many fetishists into your fat ass, anyway.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 12/19/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Hairy Haiku

An ageing athlete

Lost all his hair while running

In the balderdash

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/19/2005:

> i love black history month, it's the only time of the

> year you can get away with only tipping three percent.

>

> MONTE

Well, let's all hold hands and sing "Kumbaya" (SIC?)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2005:

A mere lazy voter wet dream;

sound bite gave one pres choice the ream.

'S'been couple a' years

so hacks, as a peer:

Please retire gags 'bout the "Dean Scream."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2005:

It appears all but certain that Socialist Evo Morales will be elected the new president of Bolivia.

One of the things he plans to do is to stop cooperation with the U.S. in the War on Drug Users. More evidence that common sense is becoming more and more the province of "Extremists" today.

Many will say that Morales is just asking for trouble. Not only is he aiming to piss off the U.S. but, financially speaking, how can a modern-day economy function without a burgeoning Nonviolent Offender-Packed Prison Industry?...

NICE Systems, of Israel, has invented new voicemail technology, for use by corporations, which have long ago given up on that pesky "customer service" crap and by and large done away with receptionists.

NICE's system works with a technological advancement that can gauge, by voice patterns and such, when a customer is truly angry--and thus, the logic goes, necessitating a call from an actual human being.

The technology thus rewards hotheads and punishes anybody keeping a cool head.

Good to see Israel joining us in the War on Common Civility...

Someone told me yesterday that "'Monday Night Raw' is on in Afghanistan tonight."

It needed some explaining to me, too.

"Monday Night Raw" is a feature of professional "wrestling." And it was taking place in Afghanistan for our troops.

Entertainment for the troops just isn't what it used to be, is it?...

Oh, and a Happy Freakin' Birthday to Tiny Mike Chmielecki, the man behind Sunday's "Mike's Accursed Verse."

You're not getting older, you're... Well, you ARE getting older, but then we all are.

But you're not getting stupider. A little more OFF, perhaps, but... Well, maybe I'll just leave the well-wishing alone and stick with "Happy Freakin' Birthday"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/20/2005:

> Thanks, Sloop!

>

> Haven't seen you in a while.

> Happy new year!

> Get a new year!

>

> tony

That's Tony, thanking me for linking him. Tony, of Let's Get Out of This Terrible Sandwich Shop fame.

Well, Tony of Let's Get Out of This Terrible Sandwich Shop (the band), anyway. As previously profiled in S&Y's Friday "Entertain Me!" section. (See Sloop's Glantamerous Links. And the 'chives.)

Fame is a fleeting thing, anyway.

As for me, I'll never wash these typing fingers again! Or...maybe just the left pinky. Wait! That tends to get all stinky from the, ahem, well...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2005:

So pro "wrestling" plays for our troops

in Afghanistan--I don't dupe.

If that's how this nation

shows "appreciation"

do troops think that we give a poop?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2005:

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned Western music and any music at odds with radical Islam.

(Oh, and by the way, it's "Western" as in "Western Culture," not as in the missing link of "country & Western.")

His nuclear program is still unnerving, of course, but the Bush Team is undoubtedly optimistic, seeing the nation start up its own FCC like this...

And Iraq's election results are mostly in, with a great showing for religion-based political parties and a crappy one for secular ones.

Wow! Bush-esque Democracy is sure catching on in the Muslim world!...

Bill O'Reilly's column yesterday hailed Joe Lieberman as a fine Democratic presidential candidate.

You know. Al Gore's 2000 losing mate.

Hmm. Why have the Democrats lost pathetically in the past two presidential elections? Oh, they were "stolen" by the GOP. That's right...

Actress Michelle Rodriguez, of the TV show "Lost," complained that after her DUI arrest, the cops "took away her freedom."

Now, let's not exaggerate things here, Michelle. It isn't until a court convicts you and sends you to mandatory 12-Step group attendance that your First Amendment religious freedom is revoked...

Darrell Armstrong, of the NBA's Dallas Mavericks, was fined $1,000 for negative remarks made in public that made fun of the Dallas Cowboys football team.

Proving, once again, the solidity of pro sports as a source of youth role models, with messages like, "Say no to drugs--unless they're team/league sponsors" and "Free Speech is great--just don't go exercising it in a way that bugs your team/league"...

Rivers Cuomo, of the band Weezer, just finished a semi-publicized, two-year stint of celibacy.

Now why would a guy--especially a famous one--do such a thing? Well, he's either one of those ridiculously rare religious yet highly self-disciplined types, he's insane or he's into men and/or kids.

In any event, as long as he keeps the true reason(s) to himself, he's primo Catholic priest material!...

Got a new catchphrase for ya':

Having sex with a large chick: Puttin' the "oink" in "boink."

Just take care as you sweep the nation with it, okay?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/21/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Thüringer Sausage

Had a "Thüringer" sausage at a Polkaholics concert last week, which happened to take place in a German-American hall's ballroom.

A bit like bratwurst, but with a strong porky flavor.

Thumbs up! Actually, more than the thumbs went up, but I'm not askin' about your hanky-panky peccadilloes, so leave me alone about mine...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/21/2005:

Okay, so we hit a new milestone! Four days in a row of Letters! And multiple letters many days, including today, to boot!

And what kicks it off? This:

> yOU'rE AN iDiOT

Well, you're a...Letter. Which, considering whom you're sent to as a Letter, is worse.

And Mike of "Accursed Verse" er, "fame," or something, chimes in concerning yesterday's edition:

> Yep, I'm 29 today. A friend told me "It only gets better and better." We'll

> see. Anyway, thanks for the happy b-day wishes.

I didn't say they were exciting. I just said that they were Letters.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2005:

A shock, but not hard to foresee--

that Hindsight, it's twenty-twenty.

Iran bans most music

(Islamic, or lose it)--

with a Muslim-themed FCC!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2005:

Headline:

"Sunnis Claim Fraud After Poor Election Results"

This is becoming more and more common, everywhere.

Who do they think they are, crying foul whenever they lose a vote--Democrats?...

Important reminder:

Steve Martin was once funny. Ridiculously funny, at that.

There may now very well be Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who don't know that...

A Summit, Ill. high school wrestler is in trouble for "playing sexual pranks."

He's a minor, see, and that's all I'm given to go on.

My imagination's having a helluva time with this one.

I guess I didn't analyze all the angles for my previous assumption that the joy buzzer was a harmless toy...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2005:

Elections, Iraq--folks applaud!

True modern-day voting, if flawed.

And just like our Dems

the losers condemn

results they call tainted with "fraud"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2005:

Annual Reminder to Media:

It's NOT "last-minute" shopping until... Well, today, I guess. I'm just sick

and tired of hearing/reading of "last-minute shopping tips/ideas/etc." in

the second week of December.

Curiously enough, that makes this a "last-minute" Annual Reminder, I

suppose.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 12/23/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Huh? What?... Oh, THAT again...

"Pull-Out" is out of town, like most of the rest of you bastards...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/23/2005:

> thanks alot for the kind words...you and flabby have been very good to

> us...your quote and link will be up on our website very soon. Flabby

> just asked us to do a jan 6 show at underground...hopefully I'll see ya

> there...

>

> thanks for the support,

> ian of lucent man -ian is lucent man

I don't remember what I wrote about Lucent Man. And I could check, having the archives set up and all but.

Why don't one of YOU bastards do it?

Ahem.

Whew!

Just preparing to make all merry and such..

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2005:

Young Fifi came over from France

and feared leaving Christmas to chance

so tapped her mom's calling

when Santa's lap malling

and shocked Santa with a lap dance.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2005:

Cosmetic surgery is becoming more and more common as a Christmas gift.

And... Oh, the comments I could make!

But just be thankful, as you're awaiting Santa's sleigh, that YOU'RE not... Well, one of THEM. You know, THOSE people. The type who'd actually give, or request, such a thing as a gift. I mean, you couldn't be one of them and still be a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper, could you?

Plus, I imagine its easier to sleep at night with visions sugar plums, rather than silicone plums, dancing in your head...

My father was putting together a gingerbread house for my nephews this year and the thought occurred to me: Why not make a miniature house from that most festive of yuletide substances? Why not a Christmas House of Ham?

Get started on yours--and send in your pics! Why, this could be a Daily Limerick-spawned tradition! Leave it to us to include playing with one's meat in the holiday canon...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2005:

A girl who was so bad, 'twas shocking

woke to Christmas Day haul a'mocking

the whole Santa Code.

Of gifts, got a load

('cause she nicely filled Christmas stockings).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2005:

We made SOME headway this year through a movement to knock-off the inane "Happy Holidays"--and all its insidious forms, like the idea of a "Holiday Tree"--and return to the ol' "Merry Christmas."

But the battle against Political Correctness goes on.

I was waiting for the bus this past week, wearing my Santa hat, perusing the newspaper, smoking a cigar, when a woman passed by and uttered, "Santa don't

smoke."

I grumbled a bit, thought of all the drawings and stories that, up until about 10 years ago, regularly painted Claus as a pipe smoker, and shouted, just before she was out of earshot, "Yes he does!"

So remember this:

Santa smokes a pipe.

And it's NOT full of marijuana for glaucoma.

Don't like it? Then find a lawyer to sue Mr. Klaus for "secondhand smoke" or something.

I happen to have met Santa and... Hey! What the hell are you doing reading this on Christmas Day anyway?

And what the hell am I doing WRITING this for Christmas Day.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Man. God bless us, every one (with the possible exception of Paris Hilton).

And Merry Fuckin' Christmas!

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/25/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Pfft!

Sunday Story Time is taking the day off. Go make your own future editions of Sunday Story Time.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/25/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Gutted financial houses

The collection agency that was trying

to collect on me just filed for bankruptcy.

The neighbors up the street, on an

adjustable mortage rate, have not yet

been threatened with foreclosure.

But their smiles seem strained

when they entertain. When they

slump outside to bring in the bill,

the sun seems younger than them.

The current administration

is plundering Social Security to

patch holes in its warboat. In ailing

industries, a bird call that goes

"I'm sorry" will precede the sting

of ailing pensions. They're all just

figures, and someday they

will be gone.

Right now, as then,

as later, an insect is emerging

out of the earth. Testing

its antennae. It has no name,

the feeling when watching

the nothing of an ant.

A comfort still.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2005:

Though he racks in buttloads of money

his new movie's outlook ain't sunny.

While, sure, he can act

here's trivia fact:

Steve Martin was, at one time, funny.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2005:

You know the saying, "Mi casa es su casa"?

That's, "My house is your house," for those who make me look Culturally Correct. And it exists in many forms, many cultures, many languages. "Make yourself at home."

Well, I'm wondering if that's really such a wonderful sentiment.

"Mi casa es su casa"--so I have to get up and clean the litter box; change the bathroom lightbulb; vacuum the carpet? By the reverse token, does that mean I can help myself to the porn; walk around sans pants; drink straight from the milk gallon?

This social convention needs some re-thinking. And where are all my party invitations this Season?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 12/26/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Heal Thyself Haiku

When doctors make love

Do they use clinical terms

Or vernacular?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2005:

Next Pres election may be blessed

with both parties' picks in a dress

which would prove historic

if voters are for it:

Screwed by Crook-in-Chief...but with breasts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2005:

I just figured something out, putting "two and two together" you could say (or putting a two that looks like a four together with a two disguised as a three, considering that the source is government):

Okay, what's our first line of defense when Congress goes Stalin and threatens to impose "values" on cable TV? Why, the fact that unlike with the networks, people must pay extra for cable, effectively inviting the stations into their home. (Although there is a "power" and channel changing buttons on the TV remotes that bring us network fare as well, but that's a different rant.)

Now, a "separate" legislative push seeks to mandate HDTV capability for TVs of the future, so that all viewers can share in the technology.

On a "side" note, however, this means that viewers of the future will have to abandon the traditional "airwaves" of the networks in favor of digital cable signals.

Hmm.

Hmm, indeed...

Was watching Laurel & Hardy films with the Ps over the holidays and one, called "Sons of the Desert," I found especially interesting.

L&H go off to a convention behind their wives' backs, and much of the humor derives from the fact that neither Laurel nor Hardy "wears the pants" in the family. However, Hardy lives under the impression that he wears 'em and actively jockeys for control, whereas Laurel accepts his fate and at least gets nice treatment in the relationship.

At one point, Hardy threatens Laurel with the prospect of telling Laurel's wife that he smoked a cigarette.

The flick was made in the 1930s.

Strange. Nobody had any clue that cigarettes could possibly be some sort of vice or, dare I say?, BAD FOR YOU until the helpful attorneys sued Big Tobacco in the 1990s.

So either Laurel & Hardy flicks were especially prescient or... Well, I shudder to think of the alternative. That we're living in a whackjob, attorney-empowered, everybody's-a-victim society or something...

Have you seen that actress, Bai Ling? I know, hubbala bubbala and all that, but I've been thinkin', perhaps with a little education... Well:

I'd like to become Bai Ling-ual.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/27/2005:

> my buddy hung with steve martin a few times, they had

> a mutual friend, said he couldn't believe what a real

> jerk he was. he said it was almost surreal.

I was just talking about Martin on a professional level, not a personal--that is, the fact that he's been experiencing osteoporosis in his funny bone over the years.

But this is truly shocking news. It's not like one of the guy's greatest accomplishments, and one of the things he'll always be best known for, was a movie called "The Jerk" or anything.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2005:

Diversity freaks feel elation

o'er the fairly recent creation:

It's Kwanzaa: Black Pride!

We need more divide--

brings the Holidays segregation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2005:

Have been reading a lot lately about so-called "Generation Y" and how it's the "Coddled Generation"--more likely to live with the parents after age 18, and age 21, and age 30... So let's take stock of just how far we've come:

The Industrial Revolution and the Labor Movement freed us from the previously necessary "extended family"--wherein kids grew up and had their own children living under the parental roof, along with grandma, grandpa and perhaps even the great grand Ps, mostly because it was the only affordable way of navigating life.

But today... Hmm.

I suppose it isn't good to garner pessimism in heading toward a New Year.

So let's remember, as well, that before the Industrial Revolution and the Labor Movement, women faced few, if any, workplace opportunities--and just look at us today! Women are free to pursue most any career, or to remain a traditional housewife, if they're among the lucky class that can afford to live on one income and... Hmm.

Perhaps it's best to avoiding analyzing things too much in heading toward a New Year...

Telling, slice-of-life vignette:

(A little background: The predominant electric company for the Chicago area is ComEd, short for Commonwealth Edison.)

Passed Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo yesterday and noted their special, festive holiday lights attraction.

Viewing an entrance to the zoo, I had a hard time making out the entry sign, which was spelled-out through light bulbs, because many of the lights were burned out. Eventually, I deciphered it:

"Zoo Lights Presented by ComEd"...

Speaking of slices-of-life, on my train home from the holidays Monday, I witnessed a man with a self-help book entitled "The Art of Being Yourself." He boarded the train, whipped out the book... And proceeded to sleep for most of the ride...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 12/28/2005:

DL/S&Y has long mused on our raving technology/gadget addiction and on how we're starting to make devices that are too small for practicality. I even mused that people will be accidentally swallowing cell phones soon and... A Blue Springs, Mo. woman has now done just that.

I'm having a change of heart on the phenomenon, however. Although the Missouri woman appears to have fully recovered, there could be much-needed Darwinism at work here...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/28/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: A (Timely) Food-Related Pickup Line

"My right leg's Christmas; my left leg's New Year's.

"Come over and eat between the Holidays."

As always, fill me in on your results, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2005:

The Dipshit from Weezer's got plot

to get pub that long he's not got

by 'nouncing he's celibate--

just for the hell of it!--

deep meaning: He gets no twot.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2005:

The city of Hayward, Calif. has enacted legislation to change its long-standing system of giving buildings address numbers because of numerous complaints about five-digit addresses.

It seems that more numerals in an address increase the likelihood of said address violating tenets of feng shui.

In case you were wondering how Liberals planned to match the moronity of conservatives' push for "Intelligent Design"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/29/2005:

> Monster-0 thanks you, kind sir!

>

> daemon

Either a) the band Monster-0 is thanking me for linking them to Daily Limerick (in Sloop's Glantamerous Links) or b) I sold my soul to a Daemon.

Considering my lot in life, I'm guessing the answer's "a."

Usually, some form of fame and/or fortune awaits those selling their souls, or so the legend goes. Unless... Well, that farting teddy bear as a Christmas DID seem to come out of nowhere.

I shudder to think but... Well, perhaps Bush's economic policies are affecting even the "soul economy"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2005:

This time of year, all the "lists" flow--

best, worst and what-not but, you know,

the year's not yet ended!

I think it'd be splendid

if Big Shit went down twelve/three-o!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2005:

A news study by the Pew Research Center finds that men and women use the Internet differently. And although this isn't expected to shock many, the world of touring stand-up comedians just received a wellspring of more fuel for their "men and women are different ain't it nutty" routines.

The study was done through interviews, resulting most certainly in a bit of fibbery regarding real Internet habits. Nonetheless, taking this into consideration, here's another case whereby DL/S&Y could've given Pew the results and saved a million.

Findings: Women use the Internet primarily for shopping; men use the Internet primarily for porn.

Again, the Slappin' and Yappin' Foundation is available for future studies...

The use of hookahs to smoke tobacco is on the rise among youth.

Hmm... Let's see: Government cracks down on an "immorality" to an obsessive level, youth rebel in keeping with the Forbidden Fruit phenom and now the Moron Majority is shocked and all aflutter.

Our motto as a society seems to be: If at first you don't succeed... Just repeat the mistakes of the past, over, and over, and over...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 12/30/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Looking at Art

One of the many hats I wear is that of an arts/entertainment/culture journalist. (I like to think it's one of those beanie hats with a spinning propeller atop.) Thus, people occasionally ask me about visual art. Specifically, questions about "how" to look at art and "what" to look for.

The problem is that I'm no expert. I suppose that, at this point, my knowledge exceeds the average Joe, but I fell into this millenary situation, to make a long story tolerable. So while I could probably offer a few clues to understanding and appreciating works, here's what I've found most useful in covering shows and gallery events:

Spend at least 15 seconds looking at each and every work in a show. Nod your head, caress your chin, make curious and/or "Eureka!" faces and generally use body language indicating deep thought and comprehension. Then move on to the next piece. Lather, rinse, lube and repeat.

Concerning the actual analysis and what you look for and think about... It doesn't really matter. Although going through the motions eventually leads to greater understanding and appreciation, somehow. Much like the story of my (the Chief Limericist's) life, speaking of making long stories short and tolerable...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2005:

Well, look--today is New Year's Eve!

And if you could use a reprieve

from your little kitten

try out a new fittin'

and go test drive a New Year's Beave!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2005:

The Rikers prison of New York is closing its gay wing.

Didn't know about this gay wing? Either did we. But it's closing.

Hmm.

Gay men. Prison setting.

Guess they finally came to the realization that prison is supposed to be PUNISHMENT...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/31/2005:

Shortly after FINALLY figuring out how to track traffic to this site, and being mildly yet pleasantly surprised (HINT: I'm above single or double digits, but still about a third of what I'd like before hitting up advertisers), comes this missive to end 2005 and usher in 2006:

> hey there. i just wanted to send you a quick note asking you to not be such an

> ignorant fucking asshole...

Wow. Guess the Season of "Good Will Toward Men" is over, now, isn't it?

Happy, er, remaining Holiday to you, to.

And thanks for the New Year's resolution idea.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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