Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2005:

Born a counter-cultural fountain

now Rolling Stone seems to be mountin'

a Mainstream campaign

for Music Biz gain

and now counter culture it's count'rin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

With the Super Bowl just around the corner, any day now we're gonna start hearing about the FCC-terrified Fox Network dropping all of those erectile dysfunction ads, right? And the FCC's gonna go after companies like Pfizer, despite its status as a God of Campaign Contributions, for putting those ads on in prime time, right?...

By the way, I'd personally rather explain a nipple to the Norman Rockwell-esque Couch Full O' Family that's allegedly watching the Super Bowl together (rather than making use of their three plus-TVs), but I'm just old fashioned, I suppose...

Speaking of our heavily asterisked Freedom of Speech, I read a "jobs" column today all about blogs. It warned workers against saying too much about their jobs and/or anything that could possibly be construed as racist/sexist/homophobic etc. in these online forums.

So until you're self-employed (and, for that matter, lacking any Big Conglomeration clients), Freedom of Speech entails the right to post pictures of cute kittens, I suppose...

People on cell phones tend toward certain speech patterns entailing over-pronunciation and a heapin' helpin' o' volume.

First, they threw me a curveball with those headset units, making it hard to distinguish between the "normal" cell phone abuser and the common raving nutball talking to his- or herself.

Now, I can't tell who is and isn't mentally retarded.

This throw yet another monkey wrench in my self-contained, in-the-head fun-making. Having a general sense of ethics, and thus no need for the charade of Political Correctness, I like to know which is which. After all, the raving lunatics and mentally retarded can't help themselves but...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2005:

The pith of our foreign relations

through Sec. of State Web declarations

does quite strangely fit--

foreign sections of it

have nonsensical, bad translations.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

From all of us at Daily Limerick, to all of you Slapper Grasshoppers out there, and all of your kind, a very Merry Groundhog Day...

A recent episode of "Fear Factor" featured some attention-starved knuckleheads engaging in some sort of antics around power lines or wires or something electrical.

Which, in turn, has caused my local power company, ComEd, to engage in freaking out to "get the word out" that such a thing should not be done at home.

Now I know we live in a world chock full o' lawyers, with an "every child is sacred" philosophy and all that crap. But don't you think we should just leave the type of people who would actually try "Fear Factor" stunts at home to a lil' thing called Darwinism?...

The hot new line in Men's fashion? Pre-dirtied clothes. (Actually, dirty-LOOKING clothes.)

I may be especially putzy, but I still don't imagine many guys have trouble getting a dirty look to their clothing.

So, we're starting off with a hard-sell here before we even get into the relationship most men have with fashion. (Relationship? Personally, I wait for Christmas, birthdays and girlfriends for all my clothes to sort of appear.)

This is just... Why would anybody?... Really, now, there's gotta be at least ONE straight guy in the fashion industry who could've said something and prevented this marketing disaster in waiting...

Then again... Perhaps there's a genius behind this--with "pre-dirty" clothing out there--who's to say whether I'm a slob or a fashion hound?...

I'm a little upset that this stuff I put on some winterly dry skin of mine works so well.

It's called "Crack Cream." I ain't namin' it beyond that--and there could be multiple brands with the "Crack Cream" label, anyway. But the name makes it so worthy of fun-making that I was kinda hoping it wouldn't work any better than your run-of-the-mill lotion, but it works kick ass, so... Why the hell am I telling YOU ratloafs about it?...

A reminder to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers for the Month of Love:

Despite what the marketing propaganda would hypnotize you into believing, there is nothing whatsoever romantic about giving or receiving a FREAKIN' PHONE as a gift.

This has been a public service announcement of Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin'. This announcement was underwritten in part by a bag of change the Chief Limericist found on a bus.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/2/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Say Hello to an Old Friend

It's time to introduce yourself once again, to start a love affair once again, to recall the good times once again--with the ever delightful in oh so many ways Pickle.

Yup. The pickle.

(Now, I'm really discussing the dill pickle, as God intended cucumbers to be eaten, but if you must be blasphemous, I suppose a sweet pickle or a gherkin will do

I've found that, late at night, craving a snack but not a meal, in a mood that does not complement cooking even in its simplest form, the pickle is one of man's finest friends.

It's a green vegetable! Uncooked, too, and thus bursting with vitamins! So it's healthy and delicious--magical in the way it defies the general rules of the culinary world!

So go forth, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, and celebrate the amazing pickle in all its glory! Perhaps you can work it into your St. Valentine's Day merry making!...

I just realized: I've only done a handful of these Food sections but have focused on the Pickle twice now. (Previously, it was a tip for enjoying the last pickle in the jar. Go sleuthing through the 'chives, bastards, if you wanna know more.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2005:

To those with "divorce celebrations"

with strippers and their nude gyrations:

It's good to not mope

but still fuck-up, dope--

(and) there're cheaper routes to masturbation.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

So the Iraq elections, or at least its Election Day, went off without any major hitch.

I've witnessed at least one generally Bush-unhappy columnist, the Chicago Sun-Times' Mark Brown, come out and proclaim that maybe he was wrong about the whole thing. We're all supposed to dance and sing, evidently and, even if we continue our Bush-dislikin' ways, we're supposed to give him credit on this one.

Hmmm.

Let's take inventory...

A new study finds that the most prevalent cause of bankruptcy filings is sickness, indirectly, and its accompanying medical bills, directly.

Oh, but the National Institute of Health has decided to ban its employees from entering into contracts with pharmaceutical companies and the like. Who would've thought such a measure would be necessary--those geniuses!

Also learned today that there is a wage cut-off for those who do and do not have to pay part of their earnings into the social security pool. You see, once you earn around $90,000 a year, you're off the hook because...well, because...

Sorry. I'm having trouble giving a quarter terd-worth of shit that Iraq's had a successful election--at a cost to us taxpayers of...how many billions now?...

Stumbled across an interesting fact:

Twenty percent of NFL players have criminal records.

Which is why we can't let a fuzzy nanosecond of finely browned nip interfere with the NFL's role-modelin'...

Speaking of the NFL's work instilling children's values, it seems Eva Longoria can't shut up about her sex life.

You know what they say about people who like to brag, don't cha'? (Shoot me an e-mail, Eva--there's a personalized Limerick in it for you.)

Anyway, however, even SHE has her limits.

The tabloids reported her being seen with J.C. Chavez.

Now, I sincerely hope you didn't recognize that name without the qualifiers I read with it: a former...I forget, Backstreet Boy, N'Syncer--one of those.

But she went out of her way to say they're just friends.

Now Eva needs to sit down and have a nice, long talk with Cameron Diaz.

It's not as if I have any shot with either Ms. Longoria or Ms. Diaz. And, honestly, I see gawk-inspiring babeage all the time--and the celebrity thing doesn't tickle my fetish bone much.

But, still... Primo tail should not be anywhere near boy banders. Especially not after they've long passed that 20th minute of fame...

Seems there was a meager amount of fans on-hand for Michael Jackson's latest Media Circus appointment.

I mention it because I just figure you might be cravin' a shot of optimism for the future of humanity right about now...

There's a play running in Chicago now called "Back of the Throat." I don't know much about it, except that it's co-produced by the ACLU.

Now, this certainly isn't on the level of recently revealed Bush implanting of "reporters" to advance a political agenda.

But what if, say, the producer of this play cracked down on some individual liberties of a cast member or something and... Aw, the hell with it!

"Conservative," "liberal," "potato," "po-tah-to," "ethics," "schmethics." It's all SOOOO last century.

I guess I'll take that shot of optimism back, now, seein' as you haven't finished it yet...

As long as I'm mentioning my perusal of local theater offerings, I also came across one that "spoofs 1930s mystery comedies."

Oh, goodie.

Perhaps the world is now ready for my one-man show totally ripping Grover Cleveland a new asshole.

Why does theater have a hard time catching on with the common folk again? I just can't imagine...

On my way to the bus stop today I saw a chick in a car take her eyes off the road for a good 15 seconds to unwrap some sorta breakfast bar or something.

Then I saw a guy in a car pause for at least 10 unwrapping a new cigarette pack.

And then a guy making a funny face while checking out something on the inside roof of his vehicle for some time as well.

I won't even mention the cell phone drivers, whom I've probably ripped too frequently already.

Point being: Nobody's freakin' payin' any attention to the road.

For the record, I'm still utterly befuddled over this unreasonable fear of getting in an airplane with a trained- and tested-to-death crew in charge, while most of us climb into motorized chunks of metal and zoom around, knowing full well that, as your grandpa perhaps used to say, there are more horse's asses than there are horses, with nary a worry...

Can we stop tossing around the word "diversity" now?

Really.

Do you think it carries any meaning to anybody anymore?

Don't you realize it's probably inducing vomit in thousands at this very moment?

Please. For the love of God.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/3/2005:

> Go sleuthing through the 'chives, eh? Is this a recipe for a baked potato?

You're onto me.

I throw copies of the old Daily Limericks into my chive patch, right next to my rutabagas and just behind the azalea garden. In fact, I welcome Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to the Daily Limerick Graceland on a daily basis, encouraging them to frolic among the gardens as they take a walk down Slappin' and Yappin' Memory Lane.

I mean, "'chive" couldn't be some ultra-hip phrase for "archive" or anything, could it? Naw.

Hey! Watch your step around the saffron, ya' Frankensteinian punchloaf...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2005:

New men's fashion: "pre-dirty" clothes

(as if bein' too neat's our main woe).

The F World, my my!,

could use ONE straight guy

'cause as it is, LIT'RALLY blows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

So after Fox, in a rare showing of good taste, cancelled "Family Guy," DVD sales to the taste-challenged led them to bring it back, in a common showing of bad taste, and now they're given the guy behind it yet another animated show, "American Dad."

Talk about versatility--instead of a martini-drinking dog; it has a wine-sipping alien; instead of a genius baby, a talking goldfish.

So, they've gotten around to a "Writing a Poor Simpson's Knock-off" in the "For Dummies" line now, have they?...

Read a story about literary merit in music today and was briefly boggled to see the lyrics of Bob Dylan and Madonna discussed in the same paragraph.

"Okay, class: 'Papa don't preach/ I'm in trouble deep'--we'll be pondering the cornucopia of deep meanings in those falsely-rhymed lyrics on and off this semester"...

"Family Guy" new show

What the hell's with "friendship rings"?

Who the hell would... FRIENDSHIP rings? And from the looks of those I've read about, they're often rather pricey.

With friends like that, who needs gold diggers?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/4/2005

TODAY'S EDITION: God Wafer

See their Web site at www.bandfile.net/godwafer, perhaps order a copy of their new CD "The Host With the Most," and, as they've been known to put it, "Get ready to party down with the men in gowns!"

That's right. They wear religious-esque gowns when they jam. And, of course, they're big, hairy guys. (Lest any of you think, after sneakin' in the Melissa Rose Ziemer edition recently, I'm just using this section to score points with hot lady musicians.)

They have a song about Smurfs and even play a cover of "Frankenstein" live that, well... Let's just say that not many bands can pull off a decent cover of the tune. But they can.

Their site has a "World is Coming to an End" philosophy parody, their promo stuff includes comics... Why, what more could you ask for? From a hairy band of guys in robes, anyway?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2005:

The State of the Reunion's recital

spurs cheers, jeers and passions unbridled.

Yet most minds directed

to others "elected"--

the ratings win?--"'Merican Idol."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Yesterday, a special edition of the periodic show "Greatest Commercials" aired.

Today, of course, is the Super Bowl and some will be tuning in more to see the commercials than the game.

To anybody watching the likes of yesterday's show--essentially, all the filler and no content--and/or the Super Bowl for the reason stated above:

Just bend over and lube up for The Man, why don't ya'?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2005:

"Crazy for You Bear's" went away

thanks to P.C. fringe-induced fray.

Today's Free Speech Stalins

hear Guilt Lib'ral callin'

with much time to fritter away.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

So Lt. Gen. James Mattis has gotten into trouble for saying that shootin' up the Afghani bad guys was a lot of fun.

Is sensitivity training for killin' next up?

Anyhow, the negative reaction to his comments is a shame, if only because they beat the hell out of any armed forces recruitment schemes I've witnessed...

Saw a picture of the new Ukrainian Prime Minister today.

Damn.

If we could field such babes in office over here, I have a feeling there'd be less of a hubbub about electing women to office.

C'mon! We're supposed to be the Greatest Nation on Earth...

Rep. Fred Upton (R-Mich.) on the straight from the 1600s (but with 2025 prices) legislation upping fines for the as-of-yet-still-undefined "indecency" violations "With passage of this legislation, I am confident that broadcasters will think twice about pushing the envelope."

Just what the Entertainment Business needs right about now, huh?

But actually, Fred, considering it's Hollywood we're talking about, this means they'll now think a minimum of thrice before pushing that dusty ol' envelope...

And while we're on the topic of idiot politicians, it makes me sick to my stomach that Illinois' half-man, half-gremlin governor, Rod Blagojevich, is a big Elvis fan.

I'm an Elvis fan, of sorts. And I don't like politicians in my company.

And he's not the only one.

I guess that's the way it goes. Had the hair-obsessed Blago been around during Elvis' time, no doubt he'd have been moaning about a "pelvic malfunction" as a way of avoiding tackling real problems...

A batch of death row inmates in Connecticut (by the way, I like going out of my way to pronounce that second "c") has went on a hunger strike to protest the effect death row has on them, psychologically and such.

Now... You see... If you really... Ahem.

Just think about all the particulars of everything involved, here, and I trust that you wise Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can reach the point where the basic premise boggles you a bit...

I've noticed a lot of ads lately, dating services and St. Valentine's shills and such, featuring model women smooching model men. (By the way, I also like adding the "Saint" to "Valentine's," as everybody tend to forget that).

In quite a few of these ads, the guy looks so obviously repulsed and/or unphased and, well, gay that... Well, that he looks obviously repulsed and/or unphased and gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Just in case any members of the Marketing Militia are reading out there. You may wanna take a second look at some of those shots before heading to press...

So Tammy Warner, of somewhere in Texas, gave her husband Michael a sherry enema, his blood alcohol level soared past .40 and he died of alcohol poisoning.

You see, Mr. Warner was told by medical folk not to DRINK alcohol, but he was an alcoholic and... Oh, does it really matter?

Anyway, if any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know the family, I think I can craft an appropriate epitaph for his tombstone. I mean, if there was ever an instance to say, "This looks like a job for... DAILY LIMERICK!" this is it alright...

I've been locomotin' through some bumpy financial times lately and I skipped paying my student loan bill last month (well, actually it's just REALLY late).

Got a notice today inquiring, in large font: "Have you forgotten us?"

Yeah, that's it. Just "forgetful." Keep that in mind next time it's late. I'm clinically forgetful and just can't help myself...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/6/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Last Time I Remember Hearing "Awesome"--and it meant "Awesome"

I recall some of a conversation I had with a friend of mine, Kevin, back in... I think it was in junior high.

Me and Kevin used to enjoy wordplay. Not punnery (don't get jealous, there, AV Mike) but... Well, stuff like using a grandiose word to describe a less than grandiose situation. Ala, "Yeah, I like your new backpack--it's breathtaking."

I don't remember what we were describing. Or any of our actual sentences. Which, one can argue, makes this a crappy Sunday Story Time entry, but one of us bandied about the word "awesome."

And we got a good laugh out of that one.

Because, of course, "awesome" used to mean... Aw, if you don't know, look it up.

(Sigh.)...

Rather interactive edition of DL overall today, no?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/6/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: No longer her poem

Find your bearings across a newly empty bed.

Except the bed was empty long before she left.

Your interactions with each other fell to harmful phrases.

Her voice had brushed back from your body.

A long-held belief will remain longer dead,

Lingering in photos thrown out in splintered frames,

Torn-apart books flapping unread white wings,

Unspooled years of tape recordings.

Your thoughts may float no higher than the speckled ceiling,

So sail out on a psalm forged by unspent longing.

Flames melt the snow. Snow kills the flame.

Hopeless hoping helps a jumper choose the right landing.

No pleasantries can defuse a final slammed door,

So clear the wine grapes off the table.

Close the cold from the room and scour the walls white.

Winter has written a song for itself.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2005:

If you're not a big football fan

but watched the Bowl for social plans

and now, relive "thrills"

from filler--ad shills--

you've lubed up, bent o'er for The Man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Today is Charles Dickens' birthday!

Celebrate by... Living in poverty but remaining hopeful and good-hearted, I guess?

Or give somebody a glorious dickens or three!...

Although The Media likes to make a "sensation" out of anything that tenuously lends itself to the title, did you know that during for Super Bowl, the most popular single event on TV, only about 40 percent of TVs are tuned-in?

And, concerning regular shows and, even lower on the viewership totem pole, cable-TV shows, the percents go even lower (and don't even count all of the people who aren't watching TV at the time).

Which means that "Sex and the City" really wasn't a "movement."

Which in turn makes me feel a little better about things.

Until I start thinking about all of this from multiple angles. When I alternate between "Yay!" and "...oh"...

By the way, if it's such a "Man Thing," why was Spike TV even ON THE AIR during the Super Bowl?...

Curiously, the European Union has no human rights clauses in its trade policy.

Not as important as, say, chiming in about obesity or other matters a political body can have no real effect on...

I received spam the other day dated "Tomorrow 12:20."

So I have seen the future--and it is one big shill for porn...

It oft makes me uncomfortable, but I try to avoid saying "(God) bless you" when someone sneezes.

Yeah, I give in and say it now and again, when somebody honks out a real symphony or when the subject is purty, for instance. But, c'mon! This practice comes from an age when people believed an evil spirit could sneak down your throat during a sneeze, as it causes you to open your yap suddenly and unexpectedly.

I'm talkin' a truly primitive epoch. Why, an age when the very idea of sexuality was feared and the Powers That Were would go so far as to crack down on any expression of such most basic of human desires, no matter how slight.

Hey, wait a minute here...

Now it's time for a new feature that may or may not one see regularly...

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' EDITORIAL 2/7/2005:

TODAY'S TOPIC: Set-Ups

Do not, for any reason whatsoever, allow yourself to be set-up with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex, if that's what gets ya' goin'). That goes for blind dating in any of its forms, as well.

Nothing good whatsoever can come of such arrangements. Trust Daily Limerick.

And to those engaged in the matchmaking process? Stop it. Stop it now.

(But forgive them, God(s). They know not what they do.)

NOTE: Nobody on the, er, Daily Limerick Editorial Board has engaged in such blatant tempting of dark fate recently. Although, er, "one" of us has a friend who's allowed himself to be burned by the same raging flame not once, not twice, but thrice over the past few months.

Yup. Whippin' out the Big Guns with "thrice." For we cannot stress enough our whole-hearted opposition to this destructive and all-too-common practice.

Remember: The only attractive person remotely likely to enter a "set-up" equation (besides, possibly, yourself) is the jogger who may find your body in a forest preserve.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2005:

Stray nip leaving Bowl hist'ry checkered

this year, football played Moral Protector.

Ads were censored, for coddlin'

NFL's strong role modelin'

(where one-in-four have criminal records).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Happy Paczki Day! (And if you don't know what that is, consider the well-wishing revoked)...

Among the guests featured on "The Late Show with David Letterman" last night was "Nail-gun mishap survivor Patrick Lawler."

Upon first reading that, I thought something on the order of, "Celebrity sure ain't what it used to be."

But upon brief reflection, it didn't seem so strange. After all, Lawler has to be at least as worthy as Paris Hilton...

Excerpt of a letter to an advice columnist I happened across:

"My ex has interfered with my relationship to the point of chaos for the past 18 months. She has burned my girlfriend's car twice..." and she leveled threats and blah blah blah.

Now, here's where the columnist proved her worthiness to dole out "expert" advice to the masses: She advised that the letter writer CALL THE COPS.

I'm no scholar of advice columnists, but having worked at numerous publications that received occasional letters from readers, I know that there are times when you receive too many to run and have to pick and choose. (And, for this nugget, I am referring to a column that runs in a Chicago newspaper, if not nationally through syndicate.) And I would think that one of the first qualifiers you'd look for in deciding which advice solicitation letters deserve see print would be a likelihood that your advice can actually help, given the particulars of the individual(s) and the situation.

And this is a man who, upon having his girlfriend's car set ablaze, twice mind you, writes a FREAKIN' ADVICE COLUMNIST before notifying even the authorities!

This is another one of those incidents that, try as I may, I can't come up with a good closer for.

Then again, especially when you're in a period of viewing yourself as a big putz, it's a bit of a feel-good...

I don't know all of the details, as I don't generally follow this type of story, but a cop in Chicago ran down a cabbie and proceeded to mow over him two more times, killing the guy, not surprisingly.

This is front-page news, with one of Chicago's aldermen... Well, sort of defending the guy, I guess. Saying this action was "out of character."

There are many ridiculosities to be hit upon here.

However, I'll just ask this:

How could something like this NOT be "out of character"? In order for it to qualify as "in character," this guy would regularly have to be mowin' people down, and he'd be in prison long before it even hit "character trend," considering that, thankfully, society still frowns on such activity...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2005:

In smugness, the Bushites now baste;

"Elections, Iraq--a mere taste

of its Freedom's ring"

but back home, well...things

make me still feel it's a big waste.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Today's top story! (Well, underneath the Limerick of course.)

Extra! Extra! Read all about it:

I just got around to reading the latest edition of the comic "Life in Hell" in my local alt-weekly... and I actually LAUGHED!

This marks a first! The first time an allegedly hip comic of the sort alt-weeklies run has made me laugh.

So at alt-weeklies across the land, having just run a comic that's not only funny, but actually has some sort of point... Well, let's just say that shit's hitting the editorial fan...

Saw an ad for a "relationship counselor" which trumpeted the fact that she would soon be appearing in a documentary.

But, of course, not just any documentary.  One "from the producers of 'Taxicab Confessions.'"

Relevance doesn't really matter these days. It's getting to the point that people seek out the dentist who worked on a "Bachelor" contestant...

My TV Grid informed me of an upcoming "Janet Jackson: The True Hollywood Story."

Don't bother. I have the Cliff Notes right here:

"Had an early acting gig riding the waves of her famous brothers. Blossomed into an even more successful 'singing' career, riding the wave of one especially famous brother. Faded into obscurity until a Super Bowl gig shot her fame level back up, only to descend into utter irrelevance o'er a stray, children-destroying nipple"...

Happened to catch a bit of a horoscope today--I peruse pretty much everything in the paper, and usually purposefully avoid the horoscopes, but it was the top one, "Today's Birthday" or whatever, and I guess my perusal filter was off--and, man, that was one helluva parenthetical, wasn't it?

Ahem.

So, this horoscope advises that today would be a great day for shopping.

I think I had a Daydream on the Dark Side. A Day Nightmare, if you will, of a woman not only shopping too much, but shopping extra because her horoscope told her to--also, of course, raising the issue of her actually following horoscopes, mind you, which... Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!...

I am among the "fair-weather faithful."

See, I celebrated Paczki Day yesterday (basically, a Polish Fat Tuesday).

Which means I kinda, in an auxiliary way, partook of the Christian Lent thing.

I'll take the Christmas presents. I'll throw down a solid chocolate rabbit and some Cadbury cream eggs. I'll most certainly slurp up a paczki for Fat Tuesday, as well.

But... Give somethin' fun up for the whole Lent thing?

Gotta draw the line somewhere. Wouldn't wanna be construed as a religious nut or something...

***

DAILY LIMERICK SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 2/9/2005:

Death by Hot Chicks Strutting By

How many have died? Crossing a road (say, Western Avenue in Chicago while running to get a bus) and spying a hot lookin' mama on the sidewalk (say for instance the north side of Belmont in Chicago) glancing at her (for example, fine brunette ass) and not paying attention as a vehicle (an SUV for example) comes barreling at them?

How many die in this manner? More importantly, how many more must die before we do something about it?

Daily Limerick wants to know.

But Daily Limerick didn't actually do much investigatin'.

And, actually, Daily Limerick will shut up about this now, as we wouldn't want to do anything to cause even one woman to think twice about showin' extra skin during the upcoming warm months...

***

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULAR SCHEDULED SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN', ALREADY IN PROGRESS 2/9/2005...

...And so the guy in the bar says, "I don't know about the guy on the right, or the guy on the left, but the guy in the middle looks a lot like Kenny Rogers"...

Anybody with any information that might be helpful to me, toward the end of setting up a Daily Limerick Clambake this summer, please contact the Chief Limericist, via the (ahem) 2nd Floor Editorial Department, c/o Daily Limerick...

I have a recipe, or whatever you'd call it, for making your own hotpants.

I often do it in the morning and it gets me all tingly.

Take your pants for the day, lederhosen, pajama bottoms (if you're working from home and such is your habit), buttless chaps, knickers, what have you, and place them on the radiator.

Shower. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Do what you do in the shower.

Sickos.

Then, upon emerging, throw on your underwear and socks and proceed to throw on a nice hot pair of pants!

Aw, you guys just don't appreciate the finer things in life.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/9/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ramen Noodle Stir Fry

I have a general idea of my readership's demographic. And I'm guessin' you cats and kittens eat a lot of ramen noodles.

So here's a way to mix it up:

Boil the noodles as per the package directions. Do not add the spice packet.

Drain the noodles when cooked.

Toss 'em in a frying pan with a couple tablespoons of olive oil (simmered briefly with some minced garlic or garlic powder, if desired), a little chicken (browned and chopped first) or a can of shrimp or some tofu or whatever, toss in anything you like--scrambled eggs, broccoli, mushrooms or nothing else at all--and sprinkle a couple tablespoons of soy sauce and the spice packet atop.

Fry the stuff until it's brown and delightful.

Enjoy! And think of Daily Limerick with every bite!...

(Speaking of shit hitting the editorial fan, that nugget actually comes off much like a REAL food column. "Oh, Jenkins!...")...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2005:

Though rush for a gift can be frantic

and flow'rs and such can seem pedantic

despite ad designs

for St. Valentine's

a cell phone's just anti-romantic.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Oklahoma judge Donald Thompson has found himself in a bit of trouble over masturbating.

While on the bench.

During trials, arguments, what have you.

Lawyers and others reportedly heard strange noises coming from behind Thompson's bench and, well, I'm sure he gave off other signs, as well.

If nothing else, masturbation is generally a quiet affair. Although if you're one for lube, I suppose that... Well, let's just say it's usually a quiet affair and leave it at that.

However, Thompson didn't just leave it at that. He was partial to a pump device of sorts.

I have been wondering for some time whether those devices actually see regular usage. I've seen them advertised and, knowing the stupidity of the general populace, was sure people were BUYING them. (If you're wondering where I've seen them advertised, it's in the pages of Cat Fancy, of course.) But, like 99 percent of exercise machines sold, I assumed they just functioned as makeshift laundry baskets.

And perhaps they do. Perhaps Thompson is of a rare sort whose penis pumps aren't just gathering dust.

Anyway, I'm digressin' like a politician asked an intelligent question.

The judge was burpin' the worm during his trials.

I can't think of a truly witty closer, so I'll do this instead:

He managed to do this for God knows how long before getting caught, and I'll admit THAT was a stroke of genius.

You can't say he wasn't usin' his head.

He was just havin' a ball. Or two.

Had an idea, took a whack at it. No biggie. Or perhaps it WAS a biggie, but I really don't wanna know.

Enough! Enough, I say!...

I was just watching a pot boil.

While I'm on a roll, I may just engage in a bit of stitching, in time mind you, whereby I only save eight, or perhaps as many as ten...

Now, I had unofficially cut the following feature, having seen it enter a period of utter lame-ity (and perhaps victim of the "trying too hard" syndrome), but maybe I've laid off enough. In any event, this one was too good to pass up, so perhaps it'll just become...more periodic?, or something, from now on?...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 2/10/2005:

Dr. Clifford G. Pilz.

Specialist in pop psychology.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2005:

Now for Lent, we're to show that we're grateful

and give up some vice Lord finds distasteful.

I'll do gifts, boobs and beads--

but the rest? I'm no dweeb!

I prefer to be fair-weather faithful.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

NBA star Hakeem Alajuwon has a charity, the Da'Wah Center, which has just been implicated for ties to Al-Qaida and Hamas.

Don't worry, Alajuwon fans. There shouldn't be much hubbub over his role model status. It's not like he's been caught involved with anything truly dangerous, like baring nipples or anything...

At the Chicago Auto Show, Ford has unveiled its Synopsis Urban Sanctuary.

Uh-huh. Evidently, the Hummer isn't big enough.

Now, despite my aversion to the auto industry (and SUVs especially), I have all along admitted that some folks really do make good use of the behemoths--those in rural landscapes, especially ones that get a lot of snow; families with six or more children; those who actually DO drive off-road regularly, etc.

But an urban setting, with limited parking and all, seems to be an especially ludicrous forum for attempting to prove you're important by hogging as much road as possible.

And here Ford is, encouraging the worst scenario that SUVs have to offer by tossing "urban" right into the name.

They're tagging the monster with the abbreviation "SYNUS."

Which seems like a marketing error in English but most certainly has a more favorable meaning in some Saudi dialect...

Throughout my life, I've seen various clothing articles, usually of an elastic nature, referred to as "one size fits all."

Today, read my first reference to something that's "one size fits most all."

Kinda shakes those post-holiday blues knowing that every day in America is becoming Fat Tuesday...

Either my TV grid listings goofed or Letterman is yet AGAIN featuring "nail-gun mishap survivor" Lawler.

I can't fault their booking system too much, though, for I scanned across the grid to see another late night talk show featuring Jen Schefft for the umpteenth time...

Saw an ad for a nude modeling gig today which stressed that the photos would be "non-pornographic."

I suppose it all depends on how you define "porn." One definition dubs it anything that one looks at to spur sexual excitement.

Ladies Home Journal has actually done it for me on more than one occasion although, admittedly, I don't think they were going for that angle and, no, I wont' give you more details...

"Obsessive-compulsive," "bipolar," "passive-aggressive."

Any P.C. Police reading may want to re-consider the best usage of their apparently copious free time because, as far as I'm concerned, some people are still just "nuts"...

I have a pair of "stain-resistant" Dockers pants.

Back to the drawing board, Team Dockers, I've somehow managed to break down their "resistance"...

I suppose I opened the floodgates yesterday so here's...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 2/11/2005:

Joan Slutny, comedian auditioner.

I suppose you could argue some sort of feminist statement comes from THAT casting couch.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/11/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Pair on that Chick in Echosend

Echosend is a decent band and its singer, who indeed has a name, is more than competent as a vocalist. They have a Web site and CDs and all that stuff--but what we're concerned with here today is the fact that the singer has a rack on her like a 40-point buck.

As a fan of the female body, I can tell you that they're most certainly real, too. At least from everything my powers of detection tell me. I'll also remind readers that I'm not a boob man, but she has no zaftig body to match, making her pair a true wonder of nature. Not to mention that her style of dancing to the music really shows off those trophies in a manner that they demand to be shown off!

So buy their CDs, go see 'em, whatever--but make sure and check out the guns on that singer from Echosend!

Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways, but sometimes his ways are obvious. Thanks, God, for those Golden Globes!

(Now, I've mentioned quite a bit lately in this space my concern that, as DL readership appears to be increasing, and I more and more frequently here commentary on the content from people whom I had no idea were readers, that the privacy "benefit" of this forum could be taken advantage of by yours truly and I could end up in trouble. I'm still a bit up in the air about how to handle the situation, but I'm starting to lean toward proceeding as "normal" and waiting until trouble strikes to truly change things. On a side note, I was to introduce Echosend at a show I hosted recently and, after introducing myself and my role and even talking to them about what they wanted in their intro, they nonetheless went right out of a soundcheck and into their set--slighting me, when it boils down to it. So I don't feel so bad about this edition and, really, it can't HURT their career to get the word out about those killer show-stoppers she tosses about.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2005:

Men will hope their dames will be horny

and write many poems quite corny

but Valentine's Day

not all will get laid

(quite a few will spend it with porn-y).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Has anybody else noticed that unlike other creatures, which evolve over time to become more intelligent and competent at survival and all they do, we human beings somewhere along the line reached a point where we're de-volving...or something?

Take a look around. White trailer trash, for instance, apparently has no problem getting laid and, consequently, pumpin' out the rugrats.

More educated people have romantic difficulties, end up marrying much later in life and often end up living lives of geekitude and/or resorting to ridiculously desperate methods of tryin' to get some, ala dating services and personal ads.

There are other examples, on both sides of the trashy/middle-class divide, but I hesitate to touch on them because...well, I'm buck white, male and hetero. But I trust that you can dig 'em up.

What is humanity going to look like in another century or two?

I hope this prediction doesn't come true, but I can't help but arrive at it anyway... Let's just say that, in a strange way, the "Jerry Springer Show" is ahead of its time.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2005:

Your sanity don't make the cut

and perhaps you're dangerous but

today you've "disorder"

but my tag's much shorter--

to me, some are still simply "nuts."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Have a happy Charles M. Schulz' birthday! Consider kicking at some improbably attainable (metaphorical) football and throw your back out in the memory of Skippy!...

Let's kick things off with an edition of...

***

THE LATE NEWS COMBINED WITH DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YOU SO 2/13/2005:

A 1970 government commission found that, contrary to politically correct (and thus "science-free") popular assumption, sex criminals typically used porn less than the average member of the populace.

I don't think I've touched on this in quite some time (good luck in the 'chives), but porn is a crutch--a substitute for the real thing, one that actually helps a man remain well-adjusted as life has its way with him.

The commission was spurred by the popularity/controversy at the time over the movie "Deep Throat" which, you may have noticed, is in the news again. (It's not just S&Y "late news" out of nowhere, you know.)

So why don't we here more about this? Well, Nixon and Company ignored the exhaustive research and did a new commission. Without any of those pesky scientists, or studies, or surveys, etc. Instead, they listened to testimony, mostly from folks who agreed with them, and called that a Commission Report.

I like to think that Nixon, however, didn't use porn. And it'd explain some things about social arch-conservatives in general...

***

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN', ALREADY IN PROGRESS 2/13/2005...

...and so the lumberjack says, "I'm no proctologist! I'm Danny DeVito!"...

"See Inside" teaser headline on the Chicago Sun-Times this week:

"Cops: Fire Official Said He Went on Arson Spree to Blow Off Steam."

See? If the bastard had just rented a good porn and went home...

Believe it or not, I'm already throwin' out the ex-wife jokes.

As they say, "tragedy" plus "time" equals "comedy."

Or, in some cases, a frightening feeling that one's transforming into Rodney Dangerfield...

Last night a polka saved my life.

(So I exaggerate a lot. A whole lot. Saved my LIFE? No. But you gotta admit, it's a lot funnier than "Last night a polka made me feel a bit better")...

I can now add "bouncer" to my resume. Which, given the general tone of my resume, might not be such a bad thing.

Anyway, I was hosting a music show the other night and... Well, the particular establishment is known for being a bit, well, "rough around the edges," shall we say? So the owner says he got a phone call from somebody asking "are you guys carding tonight," which is a stroke of brilliance and a separate issue and... Well, they don't usually have a guy at the door; traffic is manageable by the other employees and much of the crowd is made up of regulars, usually. So the owner, a friend of mine, asked me to card at the door. So I ran back and forth between checking IDs and hosting the damn show, with an interim fill-in as I hosted and... Well, it was quite a sitcom-y evening for me.

Most of the crowd was college folks. So, although I only turned away a couple of chicks, most of the attendees were just over the age barrier.

There are some mini-tales I could throw in here but... Well, see the next nugget.

I do feel I should be looking harder for an agent at this point, however, lest I find myself up the street at L.A. Nails doing comedy and pedicures...

Regular readers know about the S&Y Psychiatric Couch. That's my (recently given) name for the nuggets wherein I mention things in my real life--with some point you can all relate to, of course, or some point you can all ponder with wide eyes and jaws, boggled by the sheer stupidity of it all.

Well, anyway, I've noted recently that I'm stumbling across more readers, or at least occasional readers, and people I would've never known were, in my regular doings. Perhaps it's the Web site. Perhaps it's the excitement over the Friday "Entertain Me" section. Even more likely, it's the fantabulous Wednesday "Food" section--or perhaps the fact that we're now carrying "Ziggy."

I've also been pondering the potential for this new "intimate" readership (for lack of a better--or more dirty sounding--word), coupled with the, er, often brash nature of S&Y to cause trouble for me.

Not that DL/S&Y isn't in the business of courting offense, mind you, but that... Well, if people can start identifying others who've been, in S&Y, implicated (for lack of a better term, again)... Well, it's one thing to place my own ridiculosity out there for all the world to see and quite another doing it to others.

Journalistically speaking, that can only be done with "public" figures.

And I've toyed with this "intimacy" a bit as of late, tossing about nuggets from my own life, kind of assuming that something ugly would happen eventually and THAT would prove that we've reached a Point where I should be more careful about such things.

Now, DL/S&Y will certainly continue to court trouble, and there's often a fine line between "public/private," "identifiable/non-identifiable," "appropriate/inappropriate," etc.

But... Well... Let's just say we've reached that Point...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/13/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Me and Julia Child

Julia Child died last year, you know, and, as some sort of St. Valentine's-related cooking event this year, a tribute was had.

They shoulda called me.

You see, I played Julia Child once.

A coffeehouse I worked at was looking for creative events to draw in customers, they decided upon a coffee-roasting demonstration. Which, of course, would need a host, or narrator, of sorts. And... I'm not even sure how we arrived at this, but it was decided that the demos should be hosted by "celebrities" and that I would do the first one as Julia Child (I do a fine vocal impression of her, I must say).

So things went swimmingly, or perhaps roastingly, and laughs and good times were had by all. Or at least most.

After the demo, still in the Julia drag and forgetting how I was dressed, I sat down at the counter and had a smoke, next to this lady who was among the coffeehouse's regular cast of characters. I chatted her up; she nervously chatted back. After a couple minutes, she leveled with me: "Maybe you should go change; I feel a little weird talking to you, dressed up like that."

The owners of the coffeehouse were kinda "giving up" on the endeavor at that point, foreseeing a battle with a coming Starbucks and all, and it didn't help matters than the me-in-drag-ishly squeamish character held a bit of "sway."

With no fanfare, the roastings were discontinued.

And next up would've been Bill Clinton. Whom I surprisingly resembled in another of my grandma's wigs.

Yup. My GRANDMA'S wigs.

Why everybody seems to worry about me, I'll never figure...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/13/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Valentine

It is almost the day of a saint,

And I have plenty of candles for each of my flaws.

I won't name them -- that would take too much time.

Rather, I'll watch them flicker and falter

Like eyelashes falling into the eye

And stinging. Vision exacts a price

Of lesser nuisance than I'll admit.

I'll pinch the cobwebs from the bells

Suspended above me, silent and dusty.

I'll imagine a song, a fragrant bower,

A filled up heart, and other distractions.

Apparently, I should light another.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2005:

Here on Valentine's, few long to be

left alone, unattached, living "free."

If you can't celebrate

in it's own way, that's great 

(for when shortened, it's also "V.D.").

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

More on today's top story INSIDE TODAY'S EDITION...

(He hee... "Inside")...

Christo is putting a bunch of cloth thingamajigs across New York City and calling it art.

This is the guy who covers large things in canvas, also calling that art.

I think he should go into the moving business and quit bothering us with his crappy-ass "art"...

Speaking of utter lame-ity, since I recently mentioned an upcoming awards show, I should also mention that the Grammies are just around the corner, too.

And, like the other one, that's all you're gonna hear about it here...

I guess the point of today's limerick is: Just because you aren't among those officially celebrating St. Valentine's Day, it doesn't follow that you must have a bad day.

Sure, I'm an optimist at heart, and some people are going to have a WONDERFUL day and/or night. I've had a few.

But many, oh so many, will be officially "celebrating" but... Well, they won't get anything they REALLY wanted (in my case, I couldn't care less about the material gifts). Not every relationship is happy. And many times V-Day becomes more of a ritual--forced into being "romantic" but not truly so.

The temptation is there to poo-poo the whole affair. I even came up with the new idea of egging lovey-dovey couples from the bushes. (I, of course, didn't actually DO that, but it was amusing to imagine, nonetheless.)

But I'm planning to celebrate. Make myself a nice dinner, perhaps pop in the Peanuts DVD honoring the holiday and, later, treat me extra special.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2005:

The U.S. has reason to boast

but we also beg for a roast.

One reason appalls:

Tag, "one size fits all"

is now waxing "one size fits most."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Today, I went to the State of Illinois Center for some business and, in order to get to the floor to which I was headed, I had to see the security guy.

Carefully screened the envelope I was delivering. Didn't even take a peek at the shoulder bag I was carrying.

Just in case you were thinkin' that perhaps we weren't doomed, after all...

Overheard some TV focusing on baseball's steroid scandal and actually heard a reference to "social steroid use."

Sure. Nothin' kicks in a party quicker than shootin' up and...watchin' your nuts shrink, I guess...

A German zoo is having a bit of trouble mating off its penguins, which, reportedly, are, well, gay.

Personally, I think that's good enough for a laugh. But I'll proceed. And it gets nuttier.

So zoo officials have flown in some straight, chick penguins, whom I'd imagine are real lookers, to get these penguins to mate.

This maneuver prompted some activists to protest the zoo's attempts at de-gaying the penguins.

There's a man of the cloth somewhere, scratching his chin and facing quite a conundrum.

"Now, of COURSE these penguins are going straight to hell... But, hmmm, doesn't scripture say that animals don't have souls anyway? Hmm... Now, I should be doing the Lord's work, protesting over there, trying to convince the penguins of the blasphemy they are engaging in but, well, they're PENGUINS, of course, and won't understand my words anyway, unless I speak in tongues or something. Hmm. Hmm. And yet still another hmmm."

Of course, he probably hasn't wondered if the fact that this is occurring in nature is a sign from Lordy that perhaps homosexuality isn't so "unnatural" after all.

That would just be illogical...

A Pennsylvania bus driver has found trouble after a videotape shows him encouraging a busload of schoolkids to engage in hijinx that are generally frowned upon, at least in the school bus riding world.

The bus driver actually MADE the video. As part of an audition of "Survivor."

Yeah. I wondered some things, too, and I read of few details. But I think it's best that we don't know more.

Okay. "Reality" TV causes crime. Enter FCC furor. C'mon. Please?

Not that I normally encourage such censorship, but if you guys are gonna do it anyway, at least do one or two things over an offensive level of STUPIDITY, before public opinion changes, the nature of those in power changes, or the Supreme Court steps in and stops your holy rollin', moron asses...

Happened to notice in my newspaper TV grid today that both "Yes, Dear" and "The Osbournes" are both still on the air.

Well, although it's the entire premise of the "show," at least the latter has ONE good joke...

Tom Jones is asking his fan base to stop tossing panties at him while he performs, as his fanbase is known for doing.

I've asked for panties to be tossed in my direction while performing.

Zip. Zippo. Zilch.

Careful what you wish for, I suppose.

But, really, if my problems were on THAT level...

Johnie and Ronda Chennault were pictured in the newspaper with their ELEVEN FREAKIN' KIDS! Johnie is going off to Iraq. (And does it REALLY look that bad, considering it'll get him away from a house full of ELEVEN FREAKIN' KIDS!)

We're all supposed to look up to them about the kid thing. Spoken or unspoken, conscious or subconscious, we're supposed to respect them for their sacrifice. It stems from religion, but it's part of such an ingrained societal philosophy than even the most irreligious are swayed by it. We're not supposed to think about... Well, logical implications.

Take note: There was once a time when humanity seemed fragile and in danger of simply dying off, a time when it was necessary to reproduce as much as possible for the sake of our very future.

Operative phrase being, "there WAS ONCE a time"...

I have no idea whether or not I have any North Aurora, Illinois readers. It's possible, with a high level of Chicago-area Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Anyway, I understand you, if you're out there, are facing an election for the next mayor soon.

One candidate is Dale Berman. And he's been cruising the campaign trail on a Segway.

Yup. Remember the "world-changing invention" known as the Segway?

If you don't, I'm glad to hear it--and I'll do my best to keep it that way.

Anyway, isn't somebody running for political office supposed to at least PRETEND they have a sense of fiscal responsibility?

So while I'm not overly concerned with events in North Aurora, I must weigh in on this election and endorse anybody but Berman.

But this all did lead me to the realization that a Segway is a great metaphor for government in general.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2005:

Though somewhere, deep down in my heart-sy

I'm into high culture--I'm artsy--

dumb Christo's "creation"

(which capture the nation)

are not so much "artsy" as "fartsy."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

So Alan Keyes' daughter has come out of the closet not only as a lesbian, but as a "liberal queer."

Chalk another line on the "there must be a God" side of the blackboard. And, more importantly, make that a God who thinks Keyes is a nutjob, like most right-minded folks allegedly created in His image...

From a Chicago Reader theater review:

"Clowning can be charming..." Whoah!

No need to finish that review. It's not that I need a critic to share my tastes completely, but I like her to at least be on the same plane of reality...

Has anyone out there ever had his (or her, I suppose) porn stash rifled through?

Did you feel kinda...violated?

Hmmm.

Just return to whatever it was you were previously doing. Nothin' to read here...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YOU SO 2/16/2005:

Tuesday headline:

"Giving Flue Vaccine to Seniors May Not Save Any Lives."

You may now return to your previously scheduled freaking out over the stupid shots...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/16/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hot Buttered Pretzels

This has probably already explained itself, but with the publisher breathin' down my neck ("There are pages to fill, keyboard slave!"), whippin' me and all, and, well... You know... I really should... Ahem.

Take your microwaveable/bake-able large, soft pretzels and heat 'em up like you always do. Except smear 'em with butter. Before and/or after.

Tasty.

That's all.

Ouch!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2005:

After all these years, now, Tom Jones

says no longer wants panties thrown.

Says it's grown cliche

but booties today...

Let's just say that's not all that's grown.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Read a feature today about how cell phone ring tones are "more than a fad" and now a whole industry unto themselves.

It wasn't as if this was the first I'd heard of these new fangled ring tones of which they spoke.

I've noticed 'em.

In fact, I've come to the conclusion that they are the modern day equivalent of the bumper sticker.

At some point, I think it was before I could sport my own bumper sticker, they were an "industry," too. The '70s, I believe?

Everybody was into the idea of "expressing themselves" with a bumper sticker. And, while occasionally one was clever enough, and not already experienced to death all over the place (there weren't a lot of individualized ones), for the most part they just became annoying. Amusing only to the bearer.

Well... And you can probably guess where I'm going here. That's what ring tones are--already.

Except, you could at least choose to look away from a bumper sticker...

I guess I was just in a pondering mood yesterday, but it also occurred to me that people, in general, go through only two periods of having good taste in music.

When they're teenagers and when they're very, very young.

It's true. The really little kids like some cool stuff, some of it anyway. Muppets and anything with a rousing, sing-a-long chorus.

Then they hit a certain age and there's an entire industry carried on their backs for the latest boy bands, Disney-lab-created all-around pop divas, what have you (which are generally all but culturally forgotten curiously around the time the mini-generation in question hits an age where those acts are "like, sooo lame").

Then come the teens, as already mentioned (which for our purposes extend into the mid-20s), and then sometime between the late 20s and late 30s, the penchant turns to lame-o "soft rock" and oldies they were too rebellious to like in their teens.

So, there you have it. Stereotyping, of course. But it should be assumed at this point, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I'm aware that individuals do indeed differ.

But stereotyping can be our friend, or it can be our enemy...

In some jokery the other day, I tossed out a bacon reference, as I am so often wont to do, and riding the wave of mirth to its conversational conclusion, the other party made some crack about "of course" not eating bacon for breakfast in this day and age.

Do you know how, in the logic of cartoons, if, say, the Road Runner runs over a cliff, but doesn't realize it, he'll continue to run as if he didn't go over the cliff at all?

My great grandmother lived to 102. Grew up on a farm. Whole milk--in fact, often slurping pure cream from the top of containers for a treat. Lard sandwiches--and other lard-related culinary adventures. Fried chicken. Bacon--as an essential ingredient in most every polish food. Little variation from those staples day-in, day-out; month-in, month-out; year-in... You get the idea.

Maybe if we'd quit STARING OVER THE FREAKIN' CLIFF'S EDGE and live a little, for Elvis' sake...

I went to the Chicago Cultural Center today for a work-related matter.

Spent an hour and a half or so at a "workshop" where highly paid city employees read a roomful of people the instructions from a form they had just given each of us.

Then took in the wonder of the world-class exhibits. Even concerts! All going on more-or-less around the hours of 9-5.

A lot, and I mean A LOT, of big city tax money is spent satisfying the entertainment hunger of seniors with time to kill.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2005:

New NIH studies do show:

Flu shots don't do dick. (There ya' go.)

Ya' snivelin' sissies--

you all threw your hissies

while Daily Limerick told ya' so.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Happy Anniversary of "Huckleberry Finn" being published!

Get barefoot and, well, do something Huckish...

Bush is considering raising taxes on social security...for the rich.

The economy has gotta be really, really doomed...

I'm behind on bills. Everybody is behind paying me. And in the other direction, my attorney whines that everybody's behind in paying him, too (including me). There's a crazy economic domino effect goin' on.

So, of course, Alan Greenspan came out this week and, in the words of a Chicago Sun-Times headline, "Blesses [the] Economy's Growth."

Do you think that somehow, thanks to those coke-bottle glasses or something, he's been reading 10-year-old Wall Street Journals, or has he just gone completely senile at this point?...

CNN is planning a "reality" show called, "The Turnaround."

Although it doesn't really matter, the show is about small businesses in trouble and trying to make a, well, you know.

CNN. A "reality" show.

So, what? They called all the execs together for a meeting to figure out just how they could further lower the public perception of journalism?...

What's the fuss with the NHL?

Considering the so-called "regular" season only eliminates four teams or so, they can still save the 100-season-or-whatever, sprawling "playoffs," not that I'd be paying attention in any event...

Chicks who work at banks seem to dig me.

Inexplicable, I know, but there you have it, at least form my over-active-fantasy-imagination point of view...

In my personal dealings (we're being extra CAREFUl here)... Let's say I met a dame and she offered to...provide me with something.

Get your brain out of the gutter! I mean, she offered to provide me with something of a, er, service nature, of sorts and, well, I ain't helpin' your gutter mind... But anyway, the offer was non-gutter related, although gutter-related doings can possibly be extrapolated thereon, of course.

And, honestly, my thoughts were not at first gutter-related, until a cohort of mine suggested that the lady in question was gutter-minded herself and offering the service as a sham, of sorts, to get to the gutter.

Huh?

Well, anyway, the idea is that this cohort feels I could be getting "used," as a manner of speaking.

And, take note, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, especially those seeking greater insight into the differences between men and women:

I'm kinda flattered by the idea of someone trying to use me. And, actually, thinkin' about it now... Well, I'd go gutter in this case, I think, were all this pontificating to show basis in reality.

Huh?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/18/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Symphonic Affair

Just added their link to the Sloop's Glantamerous Links section of the site.

They rock. But I can't go into too much detail because, well, their fans rock even more. They're sexy and friendly and playful and, oh, geez, aiiiaiiieiiiieeee.

Ahem.

Oh, did I have fun among their fan base!

If you've been following this mess lately, Chief Limericist Sloop ended up bouncing recently in between show hosting duties. The occasion entailed Symphonic Affair.

Oh, boy.

Go to see 'em for those fans; stay for the tunes.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2005:

A German zoo caused quite a fray

tryin' to mate penguins gone gay.

Those dubb'n it unnat'ral

see World Views a-fracture'aled

(Alan Keyes has seen better days).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Although the latest suit against Bill Cosby for allegedly groping a babe has been tossed out for having insufficient grounds, he's accumulated quite a handful of these accusations lately.

Now, innocent 'til proven guilty, due process, famous target...setting all of that aside, nonetheless, it kinda makes you wonder. Due to the sheer prevalence and all. Not to mention he has already admitted to one illicit affair (as a long-married guy) and, statistically speaking, guys in long-term marriages who are caught in one often had a few they got away with first. (And perhaps after.)

Now, for men out there quick to nail me for trouncing on the Guy Code... Number One, he's famous. Number Two, he's been making the rounds chastising the values of the African-American community. Number Three, as a "good guy" who's never cheated on anybody, I occasionally "lose it" seeing jerky guys gettin' more than their share over, and over, and over again.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, if forced to place a bet and made privy to The Truth of the matter, I'd have to say ol' Puddin' Puss is gropin' a whole lot of dames.

Just who does he think he is? Governor of California material?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2005:

For many admins, at the Fed

both parties are glad that he's led

but hot air, keeps blowin',

that Bush econ's "growin'"--

Al Greenspan has now lost his head.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

The Vatican is now conducting a class, for priests from around the world, focusing on Satan, exorcism and the occult as part of an effort to counter the Church's image as "out of touch with the times."

Somebody over in there is a closet joke writer, right?...

The Illinois Broadcast Hall of Fame has admitted. Jim Belushi.

No typo. "Jim," not "John."

For anybody out there still thinking these Halls of Fame have any real importance, whatsoever...

It has come to my attention that there is a whole career field out there for "professional organizers."

And, no, I don't mean of protests. Of, well, people's stuff.

And yet another group joins the likes of those hiring "professional holiday decorators" as people I'd look the other way from if they're robbed, and even beaten, because, regardless of what the thugs are gonna do with the cash, it'll most certainly be put to better use and, what the hell, there might be some truth behind the "beatin' some sense into 'em" philosophy; you never know...

One of the columnists I read regularly has come out and declared herself a "yuppie."

Now, "yuppie" is a term that's generally assumed derogatory; few actually own up to it and it's these few that frighten the bejeesus out of me.

And, actually, she only INDIRECTLY called herself one--but that's as close as I've personally experienced. (I once knew someone who knew someone who'd refer to himself as a yuppie, allegedly.)

But I'm at a loss as to what to do because I do like Ms. Pickett's column.

Now, I'm a (mostly) progressive, accepting kinda guy. Dahmer? Felt a wee bit sorry for him and wondered with I would've done had I somehow developed such a sex drive. Child molesters? Like Dahmer, I think their type should be locked up for good, yet believe that sex with children is nonetheless not something they consciously DECIDE they want to do.

But... Self-dubbed yuppie? Don't I have to draw the line somewhere?...

Is there a radio station with the call letters "WGHB"?

Just wonderin'. It DOES fall within the general bounds of radio guy class...

If you subscribe to a newspaper and live in a big city, be prepared to find yourself unable to sleep in on weekends.

And if I catch the bastard, I've been itchin' to actually try this damn pepper spray I bought years ago...

Today, I threw on some music and found myself rockin'. (Descriptive definition of the aforementioned rockin', and my and general tendencies concerning the act of rockin', are to remain secret.)

And, anyway, if I start a'rockin', you'll be quite frightened if you come a'knockin'...

And, whaddaya know? Another edition of...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON:

Tommy Tuberville.

With noble ancestry from...Idaho?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/20/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Kathy and the Accent

There's some recent ad, I've seen it on buses but it's probably in magazines and God knows where else, that shows some chick saying/thinking, and I may paraphrase, "Sometimes, I fake an accent at parties."

And, may I say, with the authority of one who's engaged in many pathetic acts, that it may not get any more pathetic than faking an accent for serious purpose, outside the bounds of espionage, comedy or general tom foolery.

And it all sent me back to a time when, as a child, my sister had this friend named Kathy who constantly spoke in a British accent, but was born and raised in America. Didn't even have British parents, or relatives, or anything as an excuse for her behavior.

I once hid in my toy box from her, such was the level of disdain I had for her.

Great ad campaign!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/20/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: That's that

You must have put eight sugar packets in your coffee,

And you did it without shame. I think it was that confidence

You projected -- when, perhaps, you shouldn't have seemed strong --

That attracted me to you.

I'll always think of you when I see a sugar dispenser, but I

Never once asked to taste your signature concoction. Oh sure,

I'd rib you about it mercilessly, until the day you weren't

In a laughing mood.

We had met for lunch so you could tell me some things.

I made my usual crack when you started pouring in the sugar,

And you snapped. "Grow up!" And that was a slap. An ironic one

At that, as you

Were drinking what amounted to coffee syrup.

But I did grow up then, and so did you. And that's that.

Still, over our whole time, I should have asked, just once,

For a sip.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2005:

The question for the NHL

is not "Why'd season go to hell?"

nor "What happens next?"

Here's why I'm perplexed:

No hockey... So how can we tell?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Ho hum.

Another one of those holidays you don't actually have off work, but feel you should have off work.

One of those dates that commemorates great examples of humanity--and yet that's somehow not enough for YOU to get the day off work to reflect upon the shining example provided of God's artistry as expressed in human flesh.

What? Presidents?

Well, Washington and Lincoln certainly qualify too, I suppose, but I was speaking of Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday...

Speaking of writing poetry for women... Don't do it.

Well, do it, of course, but don't do it as a way to impress a woman you're not yet dating, or at least "dating."

Trust me on this. It can only bring you pain. And worse.

Ignore the romantic comedies. And the general societal assumption of poetry as "romantic."

I'm a poet. Have been pretty much all my life. Have made semi-decent money from it, writing and performing, on and off (mostly off) and am thus, technically, a professional. So you can trust my advice. Or semi-trust it, anyway.

Don't do it.

I tell you this only because... Well, I wish I could convince myself. Because I'll undoubtedly do it again. And eldritch terror of the romantic sort will naturally thus again darken my door.

Oh, the lead-in to this nugget that I somehow wandered away from? I have written poetry about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Before you call the authorities, realize it was but a limerick. (You can find it in the 'chives.)

I've written limericks for other women in my life--Daily Limericks, even. And they've remained on the outskirts of my life, curiously. Not that Jennifer Lolve Hewitt is even on the outskirts, mind you, but... Anyway, of the other women, I haven't told them about their limericks.

Maybe I have learned something after all.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2005:

The Bush plan has desp'rate new hitch

for social security bitch.

No more slim doubts, dudes--

economy's screwed

for he talks of taxing The Rich!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

In honor of Black History Month, I celebrated tonight by making fried chicken, biscuits and even turnip greens (my first whack at the latter-est).

Oh, go ahead and label me a "stereotyper." But I'm dead serious about my food, cooking is an art and a science and I really, really mean I was celebrating, because I haven't had a meal that tremendous in months, so hats off to any group of people who can come up with cuisine that delightful...

For President's Day, a poll was conducted asking Americans whom they thought was the greatest president.

Ronald Reagan came out the winner.

Both Clinton and Dubya came out ahead of Washington.

Do we really wanna be spreadin' this system around the world, there, Georgie? Seems a few kinks need to be ironed out...

A company called We The People is offering legal forms and instructions for the most basic of common court procedures, namely divorce and bankruptcy.

Guess what I'm gonna tell you next?

Of COURSE bar associations and the like are suing them! "Unlicensed practice of law," blah blah blah.

Now We The People is fighting these suits vigorously but is experiencing the wrath of angry judges more and more often.

How does one become a judge? Why, one works for years as an attorney! (On a related note, the vast majority of politicians in power come from the ranks of lawyers as well.)

The system works. For some, anyway...

I have to tip my hat to the Chicago Tribune, a mega merger-happy, wanna-rule-the-world-moo-ha-ha-ha corporation I have ranted against frequently. But the Trib's actually docking the pay of its CEO, Dennis FitzSimmons, after a less than stellar financial year, by about $1 million.

Which brings to mind the question of WHY IS HE MAKING ENOUGH TO CUT $1 MILLION FROM TO BEGIN WITH WHEN THEIR LOWEST LEVEL EMPLOYEES ARE AMONG THE WORKING POOR but, hey, I'm commending them. It's a...start. Or a fluke. But COULD be a start, so let's keep positive for a commendation, shall we?

The idea is, nonetheless, perplexing.

Cutting CEO pay? Why, it's just so...so...so un-American...

Female employees of a California zoo claim they were forced to parade around topless in front of Koko, the "talking" chimp.

Does anybody else ever get the feeling that God just blows a doob every now and again?...

Okay, lil' rabble rousing, for no particular reason and with no particular news peg.

Despite the taking of a certain class of facts for granted, there are many more professional women writers that there are men.

Now I'll duck right out of this nugget, lest I start looking more like Rush Limbaugh...

I saved you all. And it wouldn't have been possible had I been some sorta Vegan.

Yup. Makin' the above-mentioned fried chicken tonight, I cracked some eggs, for purposes of getting the spice-laden breading to stick.

It took me multiple smacks to a bowl before I broke open the egg. And I'm a real egg-crackin' whiz, lemme tell ya'.

So I saved all your asses from the Iron Chicken that would've been born otherwise.

You see the logic, I'm sure.

Wow! I could win a political debate!...

Just resting a moment here on the S&Y Psychiatric Couch:

Phasing back into semi-normality after a hideous, horrible, no good last half of 2004, I look back and think... It must've been a helluva lot harder on me than I took the time to notice.

So let that be a lesson to you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Question the touch-feely, chatty-Cathy, namby-pampy movement now and again.

Life can be rough enough without havin' to bawl and nervously bite your nails at the world, essentially tossing out months of precious time.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Hey!

I didn't say BOGART it, ass-bastard!...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/22/2005:

> I heard something this morning on the TV news that seemed like it was saying

> Hunter S. Thompson died, that he killed himself. Did I hear it right? Did

> you hear about it?

>

> I was in the other room, and I just heard on the TV that writer so and so

> died in Colorado, that he shot himself and that he was best known for "Fear

> and Loathing in Las Vegas." I missed them saying the name, but I just

> figured it was him.

>

> Katie

Well, Kate, although you were my least favorite of Charlie's Angels, I admire your wisdom in turning to Daily Limerick as your source of reliable Hunter S. Thompson news. For, as you naturally know, Hunter, the Chief Limericist, "Accursed Verse" Mike and all the gang regularly hung out, shooting at inanimate objects, sniffin' ether and hittin' the seamiest polka clubs.

As a tribute, of sorts, to Hunter, I'll mention that one of the most memorable days of my life was one in which Hunter and myself were drivin' around aimlessly on peyote. We happened upon a hitchhiking and freaked-out Richard Nixon, whom we gave a lift to. Nixon was headed to some big, important meeting and we helped mellow him out with a few bongs.

Memories. Of the way we were.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2005:

A "Best Pres'dent" survey's been done.

At top, there's no George Washington.

But Bush, Clinton, Reagan

so I'm done with fakin'--

my hope for humanity? Done.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

The first cell phone virus has made its appearance.

He he.

Hee he tee hee.

Ho ho ha ha... Ha ha heeee, he hee... Ahem.

Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha, ho ho, hee heee, hahahahahaha...

Welcome to Semi-Cheezy Wednesday.

Rough day. Long story. If it were exciting, I'd whip out the couch.

I know, I know. That hasn't always stopped me before.

But this isn't even exciting enough to fool ME into thinking it might be, upon writing it out.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/23/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Flamin' hot Cheetos

Who in the hell is keeping THESE on the market?

(Regular Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, the Chief Limericist is a big, big fan of spicy stuff in general, so it's not that they're HOT.)

Cheese... Hot sauce... How the fuck did this get past the initial tasting panel, anyway?

Are there that many out there who've lost all taste buds in freak fire-breathing accidents?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2005:

Among the vast sea of cell phones

will now hear millions of ring tones.

Some call "self expression"--

well, take music lessons

and express yourself back at home!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

I normally peruse the "Letters to the Editor" page for laughs at the expense of others' "intelligence," but I actually found some wisdom thereon recently.

Concerning the steroids scandal, some crackpot--or non-crackpot who proves the rule, anyway--asked, and I paraphrase, "If so many ballplayers have been taking 'roids, and 'roids are truly what's responsible for the home run fest of recent years, why have only a few people--McGuire, Bonds, Sosa, etc.--been breaking the home run records; why hasn't EVERYBODY been rippin' the records?"

Then again, maybe he IS a crackpot after all, as he kinda assumes that logic plays some part in the War on Non-Corporate Drugs...

Maryland Gov. Robert Ehrlich forbade state employees from talking to certain reporters.

Of course, the state was sued over this.

Of course, the state... Wait. The state actually won this case. (Although, if God or the Gods is/are feeling merciful, there will be appeals.)

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you of the time when we had a First Amendment...

(Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers: Ya' gotta admit, it's been awhile since I used THAT once-and-future tired capper device...)

Kanye West wants to start charging magazines to interview him.

I... That bastard... Er, the thing about it is that... Ahem.

Hmmm.

Should we just abandon all pretense about NOT really living in a Corporatocracy?...

"Pop punk."

It's a real term. In real use.

Really.

Kinda like... Carnivorous vegetarian, or something?...

George Foreman sued a company that used his image as Web marketing fare. Says he's "trying to restore [his] good name."

Well, George, I'd try a very public, very intense, very heartfelt apology for that whole grill thing, for starters...

Richard Roeper had a sort of "tribute" column to Hunter S. Thompson today.

Well, he introduced, and then re-ran, one about Thompson. Not only could he not come up with something new, being perhaps the extreme literary opposite of Thompson, but he had to go back to 1989 for this one.

Roeper on Thompson.

Kinda like, oh... A vegetarian writing a review of a steakhouse?...

(I evidently whacked some "analogy" section of my head last night when I ran into a door. And, again, I'm trying to pick a columnist fight with ol' Fancy Puss...)

Huh?...

Although the "huh" was intended for the above nugget, it's to the one about the vegetarian review for which I originally asked it...

Huh?...

Saw a relationship-y newspaper feature the other day that described women in broad terms.

One behavior mentioned of women in general is that they often "settle for jerks."

Settle for jerks, why... (What the hell?)... If they "settle" for jerks, middle-aged men amid mid-life crises must be "settling" for 22-year-old blondes, if you know what I mean...

Actually, that's true even if you DON'T know what I mean...

Huh?...

Just an observation:

Women have a statute of limitations on their attraction to you.

That is: She flirts and you must hit properly, efficiently and right away, or the offer expires.

Although I've heard tell of Non-Schmuck Americans (and, well, non-Americans) who don't necessarily experience this.

Those ass-bastards.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2005:

I'm no evil sociopath sleaze

but pestilence, sometimes, can please.

Read of cell phone virus,

it lit up each iris--

this case, I root for the disease.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to hear it fall, how do you know that it fell, there, wise guy?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/25/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bubble Wrap

Have at it.

Need I say more?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2005:

'Mong bees, Queen is treated with class

but once, young bee boy, full o' sass

was priv'leged to King 'er

and whipped out his stinger

but threw that thing right up her ass

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Have a Happy Johnny Cash's Birthday, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Dress in black and go entertain some prisoners or somethin'...

Illinois, after much thought and argument and discussion among state politicians, has come out with a strategy for combating rampant medical malpractice, and its insurance's, costs.

Are you ready? Okay:

A campaign to encourage doctors to say they're "sorry" when they fuck up.

It's called "Sorry Works" and, considering that hospitals/doctors keep the extra money should it (miraculously) lower malpractice costs and that the state (that is, taxpayers) pick up the tab should it not... Well, "sorry" is certainly an operative word here, although it doesn't appear to apply to the medical profession...

By the way, did you like yesterday's alternative to the tired, "[Reporter] is ill/ [Reporter] is taking the day off" ploy?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2005:

Kanye West feels he's such a Star

for feat'rin' him, he might just charge.

(Yet) most mags for that stuff

have become such pure fluff

that they already do his PR.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Mutant telecommunications monsters SBC and AT&T, seeking approval for a merger from the Feds, are now jumping on the "patriotic" bandwagon, pleading that said merger is "for America," as it'll allow them to pool resources to develop... Aw, unlike "legitimate" news sources (which are doing such a great job of keeping a lively free and uninhibited debate going, no?), I don't have to state their "case," as any non-ninny can see it as a steamin' load of feces.

Stifling competition? Ensuring no American-dreamin' upstart can one day have a telecom company? I can just hear the flutes and drums piping from the graves of our forefathers...

Have you heard these ads for "radio"?

I don't mean those for particular radio stations, nor for any brand of radio or radio-like device. Just for radio as a medium. Reminding us all that certain songs enriching the tapestries of our memory were first heard by us on radio.

The good news is, of course, that the, what is it?, three or four conglomerates currently making up "radio" must be nervous about something or other or they wouldn't even be running these ads.

And I suppose there are some songs I did, indeed, first hear on radio. But today, you can hear the ten songs in countless other venues the same corporations control...

Wendy's is serving fruit. And making themselves out to be some sort of culinary masters for in its commercials.

I don't know about you. But when I think fast food, I think "mmm--fruit at three times the price it would've cost me to slice at home"...

I was asked to send a fax from my home this week. Actually, practically ordered to send the fax, as the information had to be there by a certain time, blah blah blah.

I won't go into details. But it hadda be a fax. Couldn't be e-mail, oh, no, that would just be too damn convenient.

Especially as I got the phone message about this fax right after returning home from an office (which had a good ol' fashioned fax machine, curiously enough) and I was hurrying about to make another engagement, this was a real pain in my ass.

Fax. Pffft.

Why not just request a freakin' telegram next time?...

Have you noticed that some women out there appear to be celebrating "The Bitch Thing"?

I first noticed it with a hair gel called "Bitch." Then I noted things like "Bitch" t-shirts. Met a chick this weekend with... Careful, the fumes are still workin' their magic on the S&Y Psychiatric Couch... Ahem.

She utilizes a word in the same general genre as "Bitch" as part of her e-mail address.

That's the kinda thing I'm talking about.

Now, Slapper Grasshopperettes, let's not make the mistake of assuming, as so many do on both sides of the sexual line, that men are like women.

It doesn't work that way. It actually frightened me. Just because I would have to hire a team of bodyguards to beat off the women if I'd print up business cards saying, "Sloop Biederman: Asshole," it doesn't follow that the reverse is true...

Of course, some of you courtin' "The Bitch Thing" might be doing A-okay but, trust me, you've gotta have somethin' else seriously workin', physical attractiveness most likely, so it's more "in spite of" than "because of" "The Bitch Thing"...

But, of course, I'm trying to apply logic to a society that's made the glorified karaoke of "American Idol" one of the hottest TV shows, so who the hell knows?...

By the way, I'm meandering into dangerous territory concerning The Couch again, which I'm not supposed to be doing, so it's back to fumigation, this instan!...

Well, perhaps not. But this nugget concerns no other human being, so it's safe:

If I ever have sons, I want to name one "Shecky."

From my preternatural experience with the other sex, I don't foresee ever being able to name a son "Shecky." But I can go to town with the nickname, nonetheless, and "Voila!" one day he'll be so used to being called "Shecky," that "Shecky" he is.

A guy named "Shecky"? I mean, what else can he possibly find as a career path other than Funny Stuff? Nothing else would work.

"I'll be performing your open heart surgery today. My name is Dr. Shecky Henderson"...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 2/27/2005:

Philip Klutznick.

I think he was at the last party the ex and I threw.

And:

Doug Wead, the guy who came forth with tapes of Dubya more or less admitting to smokin' the ganga.

That's amusing enough by itself, I think.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/27/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The '73 Dodge Dart

In high school, I drove a heavily used, beat-up, 1973 Dodge Dart.

Much fun-making was had at my expense for the vehicle. But, hell, it was a vehicle and it was capable of providing for all my vehicular needs.

I have a six-year-old nephew who has a penchant for cars. He plays with toy cars near constantly and he's always asking everybody what they drive--and even what their relatives and friends drive! He seemingly knows all the makes and models in addition to what everybody else is driving.

For some reason, he's fallen in love with my late '73 Dodge Dart.

I have a photo of me leaning on it. I've scanned it, for various purposes of whimsy. So somebody suggested I give him a copy.

He carries that picture around with him and, according to sources like my sister who know, will not stop talking about the Dart.

There's a lesson in Life for you there, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. In high school, I'd never have guessed someone would one day be impressed by it.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/27/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Mermaid on land

I know the waterglass surfaces of which you speak,

And the translucent Cs they leave behind.

Darting from left to the right, traveling

Unbroken across opposite walls.

Will you become us? the faces in the wash say.

As you color them brighter and deeper and lonelier.

And you know your answer as you touch one eye

Connected to many. It's closing around you.

You'll come out reformed, standing in a den.

Shelves stacked with waterlogged books, dripping and ruined.

A well-dressed man will approach you.

He'll ask if the candle in your hand is candy.

He'll light your way with the suggestions he'll make.

You'll reach into holes in the walls without knowing,

Touching the skeletonized fingers of fellow travelers.

But you won't be afraid. You're daring. You're ready.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2005:

The new, "improved" Me Generation

leaves urban subscribers 'cross nation

with newspapers taken.

So early awakenin's

are no-choice, each-morning occasions.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2005:

Sloop's "News Poetry" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Five years of this. One limerick (and the other dreck) every single day. So am I seeking commendation or institutionalization?--I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

February is the month of Black History, Presidents, Groundhogs and Love. How they all fit together, we're a little unsure, but they do all get the SHORTEST month...

Researchers have found that an active ingredient in marijuana helps prevent, and combat actual inflictions of, Alzheimer's disease.

And Bush PR Team members with degrees in Fiction Writing get another chance to show off their skills in attacking this inconvenient lil' study...

Have you heard of the Bob Trader Sports Utility Ironman?

Just another one of THOSE, you assume?

Nope. It's a baby carriage with a starting price of $335. Popular among dads. Well, popular among a certain segment of the population's dads. It's got big, terrain-handlin' tires and a full-on frame and... I'm sure you can imagine it, somewhat. If you dare.

Now if they can just figure out a way to have a carriage waste massive amounts of gas, baby can be a chip off the ol' block before he/she takes a first step...

In other hope-quashing kid news, according to some travel industry survey, 71 percent of kids report that they "need a vacation."

Then again, perhaps this data is positive. That is, if these kids are referring to a vacation to get them away from parents of the sort who'd buy a Bob Trader Sports Utility Ironman...

While I am not a member of any mainstream religion, I think I am fast becoming an Elvist.

I've frequently read predictions, or at least references to them, often in at least half-jest, of a future religion worshipping Elvis. And there's actually a widely-circulated list you may have seen of the similarities between Elvis and Jesus. (Both are believed by many to have returned after "death," etc.)

Lately, in my personal life, I've been utilizing Elvis lyrics as philosophical guideposts. For instance, "If You Wanna Be Loved (You've Gotta Love Me, Too)" and "Double Trouble" have hit the mental soundtrack involving my "dating" life (for, seemingly, lack of a better term, but we won't go there--Couch, fumigation, etc.).

Most disturbing about this trend, perhaps, is that this Elvist wisdom has proved helpful to me and actually made me a better adjusted human being.

Lest you worry, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I will be careful. For I well know that this could just be the precursor to my putting on a helluva lot of weight and adding rhinestones to my wardrobe.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.