Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2005:

Those music critics often pipe,

"They're like Beatles," of many types.

But pop culture now's

divided, low-brow--

can't happen, mere pub-shilling hype.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2005:

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is on vacation--but that doesn't mean you won't see a new edition each and every day, no sir (but yes, ma'am!). It might be a little cheezier than normal, in case you didn't think that possible, but... I'm not sure why I'm even tellin' you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Oh, I'll be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, ya hey, and around those parts; thanks for askin'...

Headline, in reference to the Sigfried and Roy lion attack:

"Theory Can't Explain Mauling of Roy."

Gee. Couldn't be a gigantic carnivorous animal lapsing into typical gigantic carnivorous animal behavior, now, could it?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/1/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Neshama

Neshama is a rockin', funky, psychedelic-y, experimental... Let's just put it this way: A pal remarked, upon hearing them play a certain tune, that "This oughta be the them song to your talk show!"

They have no Web site or anything. So just look for 'em.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2005:

A girlie who had a big gun

stuck it up inside her for fun.

Gave her flesh a quiver

but set off the trigger

and bullets shout out 'tween her buns.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2005:

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

So, five East St. Louis election workers have been convicted of voter fraud.

Offering smokes, etc., and even cash to voters!

Where's Jesse?

Did I mention that those convicted were Democrats?

Oh.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2005:

Five busted, down in East St. Louie

for voter fraud and all that hooey

get no slack from Jesse

somehow dodged that messy-

but not 'cause they're Dems--on no phooey.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2005:

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is on vacation--but that doesn't mean you won't see a new edition each and every day, no sir (but yes, ma'am!). It might be a little cheezier than normal, in case you didn't think that possible, but... I'm not sure why I'm even tellin' you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Oh, I'll be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, ya hey, and around those parts; thanks for askin'...

Stopped in a gas station during my vacation commute and noted that fruity-freezy beverages were for sale--in this case, from a local source, made with local, secret recipes bearing, of course, secret ingredients.

Decided to take a pass on Al's Creamy Strawberry.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/3/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Vacation Story

Once upon a time, the World's Greatest Limericist went on vacation and took a week off from his Web site's Sunday Story Time.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/3/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Ablution

I dove into my pain

until I was submerged to the level

where I could count the echoes in the coral.

People do not realize that every travel

is recorded, and lost. But see, these sea-shelves

have incomparable memories: they hold

books within their porous outcroppings.

All of them lacking proper beginnings and endings.

They were written by authors

younger than I'd first thought when I'd begun

this search for ideas.

I shot back up to the surface,

destroying the pages I'd read by force.

I'd been keeping them on my own porous shelves.

(I'm going to put jars there now.)

Now, the place where I came up was the same dark spot

where I'd gone down, the water's ink.

But the beach had changed. I recognized no one.

Far far below me, new coral forming,

was recording me as

a high-above star.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2005:

Go on, party--Fourth of July!

Though times like Bush Age make some cry

serves, too, to beseech

warr'ors of Free Speech

to keep it up, so it won't die.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2005:

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is on vacation--but that doesn't mean you won't see a new edition each and every day, no sir (but yes, ma'am!). It might be a little cheezier than normal, in case you didn't think that possible, but... I'm not sure why I'm even tellin' you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Oh, I'll be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, ya hey, and around those parts; thanks for askin'...

It's the Fourth of July.

What the hell are you doin' reading this?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/4/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Dietetic Haiku

Gourmet comfort foods

Tiramisu Twinkies and

Meatloaf Marsala

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2005:

As O'Connor leaves Supreme Court

both sides seek to strengthen their fort.

While so much is riding,

one issue's deciding

the Choice--to, or not to, abort.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2005:

Court nominees sure don't bring love.

Both partisans take off kid gloves.

Though Dems are now lame

they jump in the game

and get tough when Bush comes to shove.

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2005:

Still shocked by the crowd at "Today"

compelled to come down, join the fray.

"Personalities"

neutered for TV

with naught by Star Fluff words to say.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5-7/7/2005:

It's Daily Limerick's birthday week--that's SIX YEARS on July 12!... Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is on vacation--but that doesn't mean you won't see a new edition each and every day, no sir (but yes, ma'am!). It might be a little cheezier than normal, in case you didn't think that possible, but... I'm not sure why I'm even tellin' you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Oh, I'll be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, ya hey, and around those parts; thanks for askin'...

We hate to do this to you, but due to technical/vocational concerns, we're posting three days worth of editions at once...

A slightly late Fourth of July-ish revelation, spurred by bumper stickers and such found in different parts of this fine nation of ours:

Wouldn't "America: Love it or Change it" make more sense than "America: Love it or leave it?"

Then again, we can't expect folks trumpeting such slogans to engage in any fancy book learnin' on our founding fathers, the Constitution or anything. Although they also like to take advantage of the "change it" things, as it relates to clamping down on those two flag burnings a year...

Saw a display heralding Wal-Mart's "Jewelry Gift Registry" the other day. Noted that its prominent tagline was, "Dropping a hint has never been easier."

Similar to the way "Come out with your hands up" is a "hint."

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/6/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ha!

"Eat It!" is on vacation.

But feel free to Eat It!, anyway, of your own accord.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2005:

Many feel chick drivers are hell

on roads, which new phenom does quell

the dame driver panic--a

rising for Danica.

Today, threat is drivers on cell.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2005:

It's Daily Limerick's birthday week--that's SIX YEARS on July 12!... Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is still sorta, kinda on vacation, although the "team" is all back in town. Another way of apologizing ahead of time for, well, THIS, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (still no luck with an excuse for the rest of the year)...

Been reading a lot lately how, according to surveys, an alarming level of Americans believe many myths about things medical, including many relating to cancer.

Can't imagine why. We've done such a good job convincing people of myths they're SUPPOSED to believe, regarding, say, secondhand smoke and the War on Drug Users.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/8/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Why Pro Dodgeball Sucks Ass

Saw a little bit of some "pro dodgeball" on ESPN or some such hard-up-for-programming cable station recently.

Pro dodgeball.

No Melvins gettin' their glasses broken. No wild balls flyin' off and clockin' non-participants in the school bleachers.

We can't always help you entertain yourself here in the Special Pull-Out section. But we can at least tell you how NOT to.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2005:

A man found hot foods quite enticing.

Hot peppers, he always was dicing.

But when his chick swallowed

indigestion followed

'cause his jism took on the spicing.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2005:

It's Daily Limerick's birthday week--that's SIX YEARS on July 12!... Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is still sorta, kinda on vacation, although the "team" is all back in town. Another way of apologizing ahead of time for, well, THIS, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (still no luck with an excuse for the rest of the year)...

Saw a commercial while vacationing for a movie called "Must Love Dogs."

Now, I'm certainly not one who believes that Hollywood should tailor its offerings in pursuit of "social responsibility" ahead of truth but... Well, in this case, I question the "truth" angle.

The movie's about Internet dating.

And nobody ends up with an STD and/or chopped up in a forest preserve.

Now, and I can't say this enough, I'm not advocating any kind of censorship, or even borderline, back-door, corporate censorship here.

But rethink your motives, Hollywood.

Social irresponsibility has never been more rampant than now--portraying Internet dating in a positive light.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2005:

Fast food outfits make youngsters queasy

McDonald's fix? Thought quick and easy:

Call Tommy Hilfiger

for new ones to jigger

and youth will then think Tommy cheezy.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2005:

It's Daily Limerick's birthday week--that's SIX YEARS on July 12!... Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is still sorta, kinda on vacation, although the "team" is all back in town. Another way of apologizing ahead of time for, well, THIS, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (still no luck with an excuse for the rest of the year)...

In reading about the London terrorists attacks, I learned that experts are of the opinion that the overall message behind them is: "Get out of Iraq."

Not sure how I feel about having a strong opinion in common with terrorists...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that one of my pet causes is fighting society's modern tendency toward indulging Big Mother. And, as part of that, I often harp on "Reefer Madness II: Tobacco."

But I'm starting to think we should go ahead and ban tobacco. It'd be a lot cheaper...

Noted a billboard in my recent travels that sported, at the very bottom, the Viacom logo.

Next up, I suppose, they'll be getting a piece of those "Garage Sale" signs...

Noted a TV grid listing referring to an "entrepreneur Earvin 'Magic' Johnson."

But, of course, that's how everyone thinks of Magic. It isn't as if loosening anti-trust laws have allowed the likes of, say, Viacom to so consolidate and downsize the Media that some newspaper worker, stressed and at a loss for time, just took that title off a press release or something.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/10/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Masturbating Portuguese

In high school, I traveled with my friend Bill and his family to Florida for a summer vacation. We took a trip to Epcot Center one day.

A few girls from Portugal approached us, wanting to take our picture. It seems they thought Bill and I were good looking in a style not found in Portugal, perhaps because Bill had near-white blonde hair and mine is light brown (although darkening with the years).

Naturally, we screwed up our opportunity and didn't do anything with the chicks but pose for a photo.

I am sure that... Ahem. Well, I like to think that they often whip out the photos, still to this day, and masturbate wildly over our images. Mostly over my image, of course.

But I don't know how realistic it is to think they really masturbate and/or masturbated over the incident.

Although I still occasionally do.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/10/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: After the flash

The lights popped off, violently.

All of us in the train-car

thrown; canyon bang!

(ringing ringing) Our body heat and sweat,

tears, piss, I understood how silence screams.

It knocked me out of my senses,

everyone up, scrambling, shouting

but I could not hear them (exits!

exits!) too tunnel to see. It made words

even more terrible, not expressing them,

from what I could make out

in the smoky heat.

Running deaf along the tracks, back

to departure point, stumbling,

animal panic, all of us. Hit still moving:

an abandoned terminal, abandoned! Rush hour!

Still racing, streaming up the stairs,

the light, the surface, so intense, so instant

that I knew it was a dream. I was passed

to an EMT, I drank cool water

from a plastic bottle. I watched

the silence around me -- emergency

trucks pulling up, flaring red and orange,

cool fires beneath plastic shells,

civilian brown and grey clothes and blue dresses,

watches, earrings, cell phones flashing sunlight

this direction, anguished faces, lips in sneers,

in frowns, eyes streaming or stoically looking out

at the inevitable, or not. It was only by degrees

that my hearing returned. By shades.

And before I asked for an explanation,

before I learned my place in the thick of things,

the crowding animal human smells and sounds of

give-my-brain-information-to-digest, make-this-less-

real, oh please oh please oh please,

I heard a deep, lonely keen, pushing off the stones.

It was me.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2005:

A headline: "Crude Oil Hits New High."

We bitch and moan--possibly cry.

Think cost'll go down?

Well, time's comin' 'round

that price only upward will fly.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2005:

It's Daily Limerick's birthday week--that's SIX YEARS tomorrow!... Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is still sorta, kinda on vacation, although the "team" is all back in town. Another way of apologizing ahead of time for, well, THIS, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (still no luck with an excuse for the rest of the year)...

Was reading the other day about how Oprah won some kind of civil rights freedom award. For giving some of her piles of money to starving Africans and such, but also, and I didn't know this, helping to compile a national list of child abusers.

And it hit me: Why isn't our GOVERNMENT compiling the list of child abusers?

But, of course, they're busy battling the REAL crime threats, like drugs. Apparently, mainly marijuana at this point.

Then again, if the government is going to back-door contract this duty out, I feel better about Oprah doing it than Halliburton...

Speaking of things you (and the rest of the country) aren't paying much attention to, what with more important matters like Tom Cruise's newest homo beard and rising gas prices, recent judicial attacks on journalistic privilege are already having an affect.

For instance, the Cleveland Plain Dealer is holding a couple of leak-based stories, each of importance to anybody interested in Ohio government, out of fear.

It seems the best way to avoid the repercussions of another Watergate is to ensure that nobody knows about it when it happens...

So 50 Cent has jumped into the marketing game.

50 Cent. The rapper whom we've only heard of because Eminem took a liking to him. Shot fifty times or something. Gangsta tough. Blah blah blah.

His product?

VitaminWater.

And, no, it's not liquor. It's... Well, it's bottled water.

I guess if you take the "2" from H20 you get "Ho."

Hmm.

Okay. I've know I've prattled about addictions and such becoming cliche among rock stars but... Does anybody else think popular music is in need of a good, old-fashioned overdose about now?...

Speaking of death by consumerism, here's a headline for ya':

"Kobe Rebounds with Nike Ad Two Years After His Arrest."

(Sigh.)

Does anybody else long for the days when doing commercials was something a celebrity recovered FROM?

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 7/11/2005:

Frank "Butch" Fary

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/11/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Al Dente Haiku

Dentist in Venice

Going in a gondola

Down the root canal

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2005:

World record, perhaps, for limericks?

Today, Daily Limerick turns six!

So if you want rhymes

'bout news of our time

you know where to go for your fix.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2005:

Happy Sixth Birthday to Daily Limerick!...

As we're prone to do around DL's Birthday, although I usually start mentioning it a while before the actual day, I am encouraging Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to send in Daily Limerick Memories.

Hmmph.

Ya' damn pump nuggets...

Although nobody would blame me for taking a day off from Slappin' and Yappin' on this Very Special Day, I noticed that a character in a daily syndicated comic strip, Edge City, started up a blog. Thus, the strip's humor delved into this blogger's immediate inundation with reader response. Including death threats.

(Sigh.) What we would give for death threats. Or at least inundation with reader response.

Then again, what do we expect? We try to dwell in serious political issues here, along with the "rest," and the character receiving death threats dwelt exclusively in life and death matters of musical tastes...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2005:

Today, DL's merely..."okay."

Big Day, yester one, we did play.

Proves with celebration

the Day After's station

is 'nother work-less holiday.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Despite today being a Holiday of sorts, as delineated in the Limerick... Well, what the hell's with the use of the term "possible suspect" in the Media?

It's not rare. Or even uncommon. It's a downright trend.

Another example of something entering widespread usage that's just plain wrong.

Kinda like karaoke...

Came up with a slogan for... Oh, I don't know. A porn site, perhaps? Maybe a housewife banging contest, since THOSE are certainly all the rage, or a... Ahem. The slogan:

"Got MILF?"

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/13/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hats Off to Hardee's!

Actually got around to trying that Monster Thickburger over my lil' vacation. Hardee's being much more popular in the Yooper and Northern Wisconsin than 'round these Chicago parts.

And again, with the recent trend of fast food joints acting responsible for the gluttony of others--which reminds me, when was the last time I thanked The Lawyers?--I have to salute Hardee's menu stance in the face of Big Mother.

And, well, I guess it's back to my sorta vacation... Oh, but not before...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2005:

Of course, the congrats are pouring in JUST AFTER the celebration of Daily Limerick's sixth birthday:

> What's a "limerick?"  Do I know you?

>

> Jumbo Hoffman

Hmm. Perhaps it's more of a trickle.

But it's most certainly well-wishing.

Well, it's a letter, anyway.

But this one's just what the Dreck Doctor ordered:

> My Daily Limerick memory:

> Opening today's Daily Limerick and seeing that it's DL's birthday.

> Actually, for some reason I remember the Slappin' and Yappin' where you were

> accosted by a homeless guy for smoking cigars. That still cracks a smile

> sometimes.

> Happy Birthday, you mother of all blogs.

> .m.

See? Now that, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, is how you craft a Daily Limerick Memory.

In fact, even I didn't even remember that one so well, so I did an archive search and it came from Sept. 7, 2002. If you're needin' an excuse to tiptoe through the archives, there ya' go.

But... "Mother of all blogs"?

I'm gonna have to have my e-tubes tied...

"Late Happy Birthday to DL, late Happy Birthday to DL..."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2005:

Now Hardee's, with its Monster Thick-

Burger, praise just can't come too quick.

For meddling gov's druthers

next step for Big Mother's

the ol' "second hand fatness" trick.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Read today of a successful drive-thru bank robbery in Chicago.

Wow. Even criminals can get away with lazy and out-of-shape these days...

Quote from an Internet ad for freelancers:

"Preferably someone who has had other press releases published."

Why don't they just come out and SAY "writer for Entertainment Weekly"?

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 7/14/2005:

Headline:

"Wireless Providers Grapple with Spam Messages, Calls"

They let you cell users slide for a while. But welcome back to the Great National Nightmare!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2005:

"Pro Dodgeball's" turned cool--temp is Kelvin

and if into watching, you're delvin',

it's boring as shit.

Here's what's wrong with it:

It's PRO, so you don't see the Melvins!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

So, the Chinese have announced an initiative to mass indoctrinate citizens into the Communist mindset.

Don't hold your breath awaiting an update to the Axis of (Subjective) Evil...

Someone is in trouble at the California National Guard regarding instructions to shoot Muslim enemies with bullets dipped in pig's blood. The pig's blood in their bodies, some believe, will keep them from going to heaven.

Where to begin?... Well, firstly, it kinda interferes with the bashing of an "enemy religion" when you follow its tenets as fact, even if for the purpose of supposedly sending them to hell...

Speaking of evildoers masquerading as good guys, a company providing me "catastrophic" health insurance sent me all the materials for payment over a year's time...except for six months of mailing labels.

I suppose the skimping shouldn't surprise me, coming from an industry that might haggle over whether an ax sticking out of a client's skull is "emergency" or "non-"...

You don't hear a lot about 'em these days, so I was a bit amused to read about modern-day pirates in the newspaper.

It seems a non-uncommon profession among Somalis.

I wonder: Do they mysteriously take on that "aar" accent and become prone to eye injuries?...

As I type this, I'm readying to go out and host a variety show, and I am thus wearing my hosting garb. Long-sleeve shirt, slacks, etc. Which doesn't exactly fit the weather. Which is always a source of fun-making, for some.

But I'll have you know that I AM wearing my crotchless long underwear.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/15/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chad Aroo

Chad Aroo is a delightful performer. He may or may not be looking for a band, and perhaps he even plays with one occasionally, but I happened to hear him doing a solo, acoustic set.

Loads of fun. It's like sitting down with a friend and his guitar. Only he has a lot of talent, which friends with guitars often lack. Lots of crowd interaction. Even had a silly Brady Bunch song.

Check 'em out.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2005:

There was a foul comic named Lou

who worked so godamned fuckin' blue

that one warm September

an audience member

just listening, happened to spoo'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Saw a chick today wearing a shirt with the slogan, "Nothing to Wear."

Obvious factual problems aside, ladies, if you do indeed have nothing to wear... Go ahead and wear nothing, I say.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2005:

As budget cuts only grow steeper

addiction to taxes runs deeper.

Smoke 'em if you can--

but I think full ban

would only ensure smokes get cheaper.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Thanks to various oddball tour companies in Chicago, my newspaper greeted me the other day with a photo of nine Segway riders in a row.

Stop and think about that.

No, really stop and think about that.

I mean it--if your eyes aren't widening in horror, you're NOT really thinking about it.

May as well end Slappin' and Yappin' for today on this note.

After all, like much art and/or commentary, S&Y is about sounding off, offering solutions or at least making people think, all toward the end of possibly making the world an ever-so-slightly better place.

But what's the point when we live in a world where this can happen? Where is the hope?

Nine Segway sales overall would be a frightening concept, much less... (Shudder.)

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/17/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Water Skiing and Me (Damn! What a Lame Title)

I went water skiing over my recent vacation for the second time in my life and... Well, my performance was less than stellar. In fact, my performance was perhaps anti-stellar.

The first time I tried the sport, stellar was not the operative word, either. But then, at least I had the excuse of being a lil' shaver. When I went down, I didn't let go of the rope, was pulled under, and took on more water than septuplet-bearing, middle-class white trash hopped up on fertility drugs.

This time... I couldn't even stand on the water. I only have the excuse of being worn out from riding a boat-pulled inner tube previous to the excursion but, between advice of "pigeon toe it!" and "spread your legs!" and "let the boat do the work" and "crouch and give a push as you rise," I couldn't even actually participate.

On second thought, perhaps it wasn't so much anti-stellar as "unqualified for 'stellar' consideration."

Hmm.

Well, this IS the Sunday edition.

And this IS a story.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/17/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Man meets woman on the Left Bank

Brief clips of dialogue splice

against backgrounds that rove

at will. At one moment, a car

is passing from the

left side of the window. A

blink, a new car has taken its

place. Another blink, a third car

is now at the rightmost portion

of the pane. The sun is

so slowly setting

because we would be lost

if it jerked up and down,

yanking colors with it,

a spectrum's mindless fulcrum.

We'd cry out, having dropped the veil --

our teeter-tottering syllables

would slip to barely sighs

in less than a breath of dusk.

And through it all, looking at you

watching me smile, I have

no idea what it is

we just said.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2005:

So-called "patriots" find a strange fit

in "Love it or Leave it" derangement.

Guess they haven't bothered

to read Founding Fathers

whose words proclaim, "Love it or Change it."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Two new "reality" series focus on the wild and crazy world of...tattoo parlors?

There's "Inked" and then there's "Miami Ink."

We're gonna see "The Accounting Firm" yet...

With all this talk lately of the future of the Supreme Court, nobody's calling for the institution of a Supreme Jury.

It could feature the finest jobless and clueless folks in the nation.

It'd be a bit like an American version of the Royal Family!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/18/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Evening Haiku

Night falls, bedtime comes,

Mama and papa both sleep

Viagra ran out

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2005:

Ho-hum 'bout the Leak 'round Val Plame

feeds old time, whack-job right-wing flame:

the distrust of knowledge

(leave that crap in college).

Steer Ire at The Press, that's the game!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Gil Meyer, an "analyst" for DuPont, frustrated at the lack of public panic over Asian bird flu, proclaimed that the disease could mutate, affecting humans and, as a result, "make SARS look tame."

And wouldn't you know it? That must be some disease, that Asian bird flu! It hasn't even had a chance to mutate and already SARS, having killed less people than lightning strikes over its existence, looks pretty freakin' tame to me...

Saw a product on the shelves the other day from a company called "Bald Guyz." The product? Head wipes.

Judging by the packaging, it was certainly intended for the bald.

I guess if they can sell us water in a bottle, why not hair care products for those lacking hair?...

I missed a hubbub-generating cartoon in the Chicago Reader while out of town recently. But I've been reading the follow-up letters from irate readers.

(Now, it may seem like I'm picking on the Reader and, in a way, I am, but the Greater Truth of this anecdote applies to the world of Overdosed on Liberalism Big City "Alt" Weeklies at large.)

It seems that P.S. Mueller, the cartoonist, published a strip critical of corporations' marketing to children that used the murder of a cat as its gag vehicle.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you of an age when only "conservatives" lacked a sense of humor and insisted that all art conformed to their view of how people should act in reality...

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 7/19/2005:

Chicago Cubs bench coach Dick Pole.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2005:

China slipped--may toss off a nuke

if its Taiwan poach we rebuke.

REAL Dubya-M-Ds

threaten us, but geez...

How strange, we ain't put up the dukes?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Chairman of the Democratic National Committee Howard Dean has appointed attorney Jeffrey Leving to lead the Chicago wing of a national party evaluation.

Leving is nationally known in certain circles. For men's/father's rights activism.

Wow. I'm pulled in separate directions concerning Dean, once again.

On one hand, I've gotta applaud what appears to be a disregard for political correctness and focus groups on this one. (In case you haven't heard, men are SOOOO last century.)

On the other hand... Well, nothing dooms a politician and/or political party like intelligence and thinking for one's self on the issues...

The California Attorney General has decided that Valley State Prison honcho Lewis Kuykendall committed sexual harassment by sleeping with women he worked with. However, all evidence pointed to the relationships being consenting--no "raise for a raise" or anything like that.

You see, it is harassing to the women who DIDN'T sleep with Kuykendall.

Note to bosses: If you're gonna bonk an underling, bonk ALL the underlings...

After a black Chicago politician was allegedly "profiled" during a traffic stop--although evidence indicates he perhaps acted a bit rambunctious during the incident--the State of Illinois is proposing to add "traffic stop tips" to its Driver's Manuals.

You know. Stuff like, "be courteous" and "don't exit your vehicle." And, although it's unlikely, anybody with half a brain would add, "Kiss massive ass."

Then again, anybody with half a brain doesn't need "traffic stop tips," now, do they?...

Germany has released likely al-Qaida member/911-conspirator Mamoun Darkanzanli from custody on a technicality.

Why? The EU warrant regulations do not jive with Germany's.

I guess the whole theory behind the EU can be summed up as: What the world needs is an EXTRA LEVEL of hopeless government bureaucracy to regulate matters of the utmost importance...

By now, I guess you're craving some positive news. Of some sort. ANY sort.

Well, I noted in my newspaper's TV grid that Julie Chen, one time reporter of some sort who entered the career toilet known as "Big Brother," is now referred to as "TV host Julie Chen."

For the longest time, they were still referring to her as "reporter Julie Chen."

So that's somethin'.

A little somethin', sure, but somethin'...

I suppose you're expecting DL/S&Y to comment on those hubbub-generating Dove ads. The ones showing fat...er, "real" women in their underwear.

Surprise, surprise, surprise! Women love 'em, men dislike 'em. (Perhaps Morgan Spurlock will make a cutting edge documentary on the situation!)

Well, I WOULD comment but... I can't bear to look at 'em long enough to achieve proper research...

Okay, okay, okay! I do find one of the women attractive. The blonde.

Yup. I'd do her.

Ooops! In trying to show my "sensitive, modern side," I may be in the business of offending.

So slap my ass and call me human...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' REITERATES 7/20/2005:

Bill O'Reilly's newspaper column yesterday once again spews "Get tough on child molesters" out of one side of his mouth while he continues to advocate wasting prison resources on "drug crimes" out of the other side of his mouth--you know, the one that talks out his ass...

And Jude Law, "Sexiest Man Alive," is once again demonstrating the power of the ultimate feminine aphrodisiac, Assholism...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/20/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Nacho Inspiration

Ah, nacho cheeze dip!

Sure, it's not a "real" cheeze. I think it's actually what ingredient labels refer to as "cheese food."

The other day, I grieved for the people out there who don't like spicy foods, including nacho cheeze. Truth be told, I near cried for them.

So, when you're feeling down, take comfort in the fact that, unlike some, you can always look forward to the flavor of nacho cheeze in your future.

And if you DON'T like nacho cheeze... I guess I can't help you.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2005:

Saw billboard--at bottom, thereon

was plastered the name "Viacom."

All communications

nabbed by few corp'rations--

soon they'll stake out schoolgirls' pompons!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

On-the-fly newspaper TV grid reading accident:

Thought I glimpsed a show listing for "Pimp My Mom."

Although it seems appalling, I wouldn't be appalled to learn of Fox actually producing it...

I think my celebrity--or my extremely mild case of quasi-local celebrity--got SOMEBODY ELSE laid.

I perform locally and host some recurring shows. After one such show recently, on my way home, I ran into a group of guys who'd been in attendance. I cavorted with 'em and even partook of some pizza they offered. They actually seemed a bit excited to hang out with. Mildly excited, of course, given the quasi- and local angle of it all.

Anyway, I ran into one of these cats again at a show I was hosting last weekend. He brought a dame--in fact, a dame who seemed out of his league. (To be honest, however, I generally view any guy with a hot dame as batting out of his league. And I'll admit that I've pretty much boinked out of my league for my whole life. But that's enough parenthetical.)

Point being, this guy went out of his way to be all buddy-buddy toward me in front of said dame. And although his getting laid is only speculation... Well, I myself certainly didn't get laid that night.

And his dame looked pretty hot. I must admit that I started thinkin'... Ahem.

I couldn't do such a thing, though. Not only am I generally playing the role of sexual Walter Mitty, but it's not the proper way to treat one's fans. Or "fans." Especially when you don't have a lot of 'em.

Then again, it could be an early brick on the path to People's "Sexiest Man Alive."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2005:

S'ppose one day, was bound to come true:

Bank robbery at a drive-thru.

Yet campaign's like Dove's

encourage the Love

for how fat and lazy we've grew!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Fast food establishments are reporting that their healthy offerings aren't selling so well. You know, the ones that wannabe do-gooders badgered 'em into offering, claiming people would eat healthy if they just had healthy choices at fast food outlets?

This could've been an edition of "Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Told Ya' So," of course.

Activists are nonetheless pissed off about the whole thing. Cursing the fact that people can, and do, make their own health decisions.

So the next step, which has proved successful on other fronts, is to trump up some pseudoscience showing that fast food gluttony harms others.

Get ready for the term, "secondhand cholesterol"...

"Grand Theft Auto," the videogame in which your character steals and kills without any sort of moral authority (as in a "shoot the bad guys" type game), is finally going to get an "Adults Only" rating.

Why? A "sex scene" hidden within the game has been brought to light.

You know, if They really wanna frighten Americans, hit at the heart of our deepest fears--none of that death and dismemberment pap--terrorists should send out "wardrobe malfunction" bombers...

A Lemont, Ill. family, the Rosiers, is suing the producers of a show called "Renovate My Family," and related others, because the shoddy makeover provided by the program allegedly ended up costing them near $1 million. Their complaint is a complex, nightmare tale of bad contractors and bum workmanship and hardships imposed on a disabled child and on and on.

So they're basically suing because they got reality when they were promised "reality"...

Saw an ancient looking man today behind the wheel with the stereotypical "blinker for no apparent reason" workin'.

Happened to see that he was also on a cell phone.

Note to Dubya, Hans Blix, the U.N., et. al.:

The weapons of mass destruction are out there. You just need to keep an eye out for 'em.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/22/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jamie Nichols

Jamie Nichols is a singer-songwriter of immense talent.

And she's... Well, she's a good friend of M'Lady, so perhaps this is just nepotism, of sorts.

Although it's really not. She IS pretty damn good. Good player, good singer. Good person, too.

Well, there you go. Entertain yourself.

Not THAT way, blunderpumpkin!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/22/2005:

>Why I flunked out of the University of Illinois

Actually, the above "letter" is really the "subject" line of an e-mail to the site. From an old college friend.

Bearing photos of me... Well, in the '80s. With bongs.

In fact, one of the photos, none of which will be posted, is my "new worst." That is, the worst photographic representation of myself I have witnessed. I was a long-hair then and tried a perm, as my "metal hair" was thin, stringy and curly in a bad way. I let the perm wash out by not using the treatment I was recommended right away, as I knew almost immediately that it looked horrible. But this monkeyplop managed to keep a photo from the Week o' the Perm.

And, for the record, I didn't flunk out of U of I. In fact, considering the circumstance, chemical and otherwise, it's rather impressive that I kept a C-average or so. But my parents yanked the money, as it was quite obvious I... Well, wasn't so serious, academically, and was generally altered.

In any event, viewing the photos, it's now official: Public office is not an option for me.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2005:

When you go for STD testing

if male, your-ee-thra gets molesting

with thin metal stick.

It so shocks your prick

that sex drive, for day, gets a resting.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Now, I like to feel its effects about as much as the next guy. There is both laughter and drama--not to mention sex--to be had in its sway and, oh!, the memories.

But... First thing in the morning? How can anybody take a shot of it at that hour? How does one function for the rest of the day at that point? Doesn't it guide the rest of your day down a path of stupor? I mean... Okay, perhaps I can understand the urge to take some in early but... Right off the bat? Before even a cup of coffee, shower--something?

The number of people doing just that is higher than I'd ever have imagined. The more I live, the more I become appalled--I'm starting to think that an outright MAJORITY of folks partake in this way! On one hand, I can hardly imagine how society continues forward; on the other, I suppose it explains a lot of things... Huh?

No, not LIQUOR!

I'm talking about TURNING ON THE TELEVISION first thing in the morning!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2005:

A ferry's bomb threat in Nantucket

turns out, was just bored teens say'n "fuck it."

A rather small story

but "News Lim'rick's" glory--

how oft comes such choice rhyme? So suck it!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

A new national survey finds New York style hot dogs to be the national favorite, barely edging out Chicago's.

Pffft.

Here's why: There are MORE NEW YORKERS so OF COURSE they're gonna say New York's are the best! Unlike Los Angelenos, who, if nothing else, are generally quick to admit that their pizza and hot dogs are inferior, New Yorkers will get in a fight asserting that even their freakin' urinal cakes are the finest on earth!

New Yorkers... Heaven please forgive them, for they know not what they COULD be eating...

Lollapalooza is back and it has a separate sideshow just for children: Kidzapalooza.

This ain't gonna stop until every square inch of the country is kid-friendly, you know...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' CONSUMER REPORT 7/24/2005:

Today's Corporate Fiend: Orkin (but "Yay!" Mark's Pest Service)

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall the Great Bedbug Infestation of 2004 experienced by the Chief Limericist. (See the 'chives, September to about December, 2004.)

Basically, the entire building was beset by the tough little bastards and, even as my unit was rid of them, minor re-infestations continued because, due to their nature of crawling through walls, etc., such an attack becomes a building-wide problem and there's always a threat of return.

All of this came on the heels of a marital separation-waxing-to-divorce. But I took solace in friends, family--and my cohorts in the pest control industry.

Mark's Pest Service did a bang-up job ridding me of the six-legged bastards. And I recommend them to anyone with similar problems, but that doesn't do you much good unless you happen to live in Chicago, as I do.

Nonetheless, I urge you to check out your local companies because Orkin, quite simply, sucks ass.

The bedbug saga continues in my building. It spread from my unit to others and, after my spirited oratories at association meetings, a system of monthly, building-wide inspections and such has been unfolding.

Not only have the Orkin people breezed through my unit without the explanations, customer care and bonding brought by Mark's (yes, there was even a discussion on the hotness of Lily Munster with Manny), but they've actually blew us off for numerous building-wide inspections (this weekend marked a new low--two blown-off weekends in a row).

So, as is often the case, be careful with taking the easy way out and trusting the Big, National Brand Name--in this case, suck-ass Orkin.

Reliving all of this, I waxed misty thinking about the times spent with Manny, Louie, Charles and the others.

From Mark's Pest Service, ya' blunderpumps!

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/24/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Goin to the Clinic

Partial song parody (you can fill in the rest):

"Goin' to the Clinic and we're

gonna get te-e-es-ted..."

Yup. Did the responsible, unfortunate-yet-modern thing and went to the ol' STD-testing clinic earlier this week.

With M'Lady.

What a romantic date!

I ain't giving details, but let's just say that, for my part, I was mainly going as a "check up to be extra sure" thing. I'd been in a marriage and pre-marriage relationship for seven years, and one monogamous relationship since, so I'm not some high-risk flag. (Although even marriages and such aren't failsafes, of course.)

Nonetheless, I think most of the others there were... Well, let's just say I was the only one smiling. Don't recall why I was smiling. Self-amusement, of some sort.

It's an interesting place to be, the urban, STD-testing clinic lobby.

Me and my woman, however, did not make-out there. Although that would've certainly upped my self-amusement.

I noted, too, that it probably isn't the best place to pick up chicks.

Yet in its own, twisted way, it was a romantic outing. Perhaps there's a romantic aura surrounding the whole concept, after all.

I mean, who can forget things like, oh, their first sexually communicable disease?...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/24/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Relating the unrelatable

The look

of scent. Love is

made of canyons and notches.

We shouldn't count them,

every rock,

but we count them,

we cannot help it.

We marvel at the expanse.

It's other words that silence us.

Bees falling.

Faces over cloudy faces.

Our keeping of breath and bones,

and bread and blood. Closed secrets,

inadmittable evidence.

These photos probably

cannot be developed here.

The key to our darkroom

has been lost outside.

A bird found it. She took it to her nest.

It glitters in the treetops.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2005:

Now U.S. foreign policy

is to be pre-emptive, you see.

At least 'gaist Iraq

but those truly whacked

strangely go untouched--like Chinese.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

The oh-so-important reason Congress has repeatedly stopped what it's doing to focus on the Great Pro Sports Steroid Hunt is to ensure that children have proper role models--those not doing any sort of illegal drugs.

Like the Chicago Bears' Brian Urlacher who, it has just been revealed, fathered an illegitimate child while still married to the woman he recently divorced--you know, the one he publicly screwed around with Paris Hilton on, publicly?

But just let it come out that Urlacher used a performance-enhancing drug while fathering that child--one that's not approved and/or bankrolling his sport, unlike Viagra or Cialis--and you can bet Congress will be right on it!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/25/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cephalopod Haiku

If an octopus

Has only eight legs, why are

They called tentacles?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2005:

So "experts" say Asian Bird Flu

should mutate and kill us in slews.

But those leading charge

said same thing 'bout SARS

(guess experts fear lack of work, too).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

So I go to a coffeehouse the other day and, it being over 100 degrees out, figure I won't be bothering anybody in utilizing the outdoor seating and enjoying a cigar while reading the Sunday paper.

Actually, it wasn't too bad in the shade, I suppose, but I was nonetheless surprised to see two old biddy customers join me outside.

They didn't harass me about my stogie or anything, but as they sat down, I found myself thinking, "Damn nonsmokers! You've taken over everything inside, many outdoor stadiums and festivals, you even want laws keeping smokers a certain distance from the entrance to nonsmoking buildings--and NOW you want my damn outdoor seating in 100-degree weather?"

And it got me to wondering what has fueled this needless hostility... Okay, there's virtually nothing in the way of science concerning secondhand smoke's effects--but I'll give you the fact that nonsmokers, the majority, desire not to be around it. And I'll give you restaurants, okay--I'm not driven to necessarily light up before and/or after a meal right there in the establishment.

But I'm never gonna give you bars. I'm never gonna give a nod to your banning it in outdoor stadiums and within certain distances of building entrances. If you don't admit you're being ridiculous, well, then you're a stubborn ass who might as well be denying the existence of bacon.

Nonetheless, I think I've figured you guys out. That is, I think I've figured out the public service you're trying to provide.

It all begins with the question: What does this country need more of?

So thanks for extra dose of that altogether rare divisiveness!

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 7/26/2005:

Read last weekend about a new trend called "love contracts."

Now DL/S&Y actually predicted folks bringing attorneys along to, say, the movies and filing, say, a "Motion to Put My Arm Around You." But it's close enough. Oh, and I'm not entirely sure I put this idea in a Limerick or Slappin' and Yappin', but know I have it somewhere in writing, so that, too, is close enough.

Cut us visionaries a little slack, will ya'?

Anyway, back to the "love contract." Wanna date a coworker? Go see the boss, who'll send you to the paper-pushing department, where they'll draw up a contract stating that things between you are consensual, etc., etc.

Who says romance is dead?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2005:

The do-gooders‚ shrill, whiny voices

made Fast Food offer healthy choices

which masses ignore--

Health Nazis abhor

that Free Will trumps dogma they've foisted!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

So the Bush administration is refusing to release many of Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts' records.

You know, if you really need to be filled in on Dubya's War on Truth and Facts, you should start somewhere else...

The WB Network has not only ousted Michigan J. Frog--of one of the finest Looney Toons productions ever; hell, one of the finest Warner Brothers productions ever--but its new logo is a big green blob that kinda looks like a smashed frog.

So now the Great Dumbing Down is actually something to brag about, on top of it all?...

The National Hockey League's Chicago Blackhawks have instituted a few measures intended to please fans, who'll be hard to draw back to the mismanaged sport.

However, home games will once again be blacked out.

Just to ensure, I suppose, that fans don't come flocking back TOO fast for the competency-challenged execs to handle...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/27/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Beer'd Kielbasa

You're heard about boiling bratwurst in beer before grilling it? Hopefully, you've more than heard about it--you've tried it (or what kinda Slapper Yapper Grasshopper are you?).

Well, do the same with kielbasa. Delightfully delicious.

My tendency is to blab on and on about this but... It's just that simple.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2005:

So Britney, that naughty, hot elf

is thinking beyond her fine self.

Kate Hudson, and others,

becoming young mothers...

New Hollywood slogan: Got MILF?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

So Congress will be conducting an investigation into a "hidden room," oft visited by minors, which contains sexual stuff.

'Cept... Well, this room is make-believe. It's within the video game, "Grand Theft Auto."

So maybe we need Carl Rove engaging in treasonous activity within a video game, or perhaps we need to plant steroids on 'em, to get a legitimate investigation...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2005:

Obtaining full record, forsooth

of John Roberts--like pulling tooth!

Is Bush hiding things

or is his West Wing

addicted to blurring the truth?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

The city of Malibu, Calif. is considering cracking down on its infestation of "reality" show sets.

Many residents are complaining about antics all over the place in residential areas. I read of one homeowner living with shows filming in homes on BOTH SIDES of his.

A bit odd, don't you think? People having a problem with, er, too much reality in their neighborhoods?

What? You don't have brain-dead, attention-starved wahoos zipping through your yard en route to the chock-full-o'-chicks hot tub?...

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, a pollution-conscious character, is calling upon L.A. residents to go one or two days without driving per week.

Now, I've lived in L.A. and I know what eye-rolling residents are thinking/saying in reply: "Then how in the hell will I get my morning newspaper from the end of the driveway?"...

Just kidding. I know that nobody in L.A. reads...

Headline from a Chicago Tribune e-mail news update:

"Woman found slain near nature preserve entrance."

Journalism's getting just as bad as movies and TV. A story "works" for some outlet and everybody's gotta go copy it.

I didn't check out the story any further.

I'm sick and tired of all these damn "Internet dating" stories...

Speaking of movies and TV--and aren't we running dangerously low on "reality," crime drama and home makeover shows?--the Mighty Tribune Corporation has been arguing for some time that the way to improve the Media is to further deregulate. (Which would bring Trib buttloads--make that "Dove ad buttloads"--of more profits, but that's beside the point, of course.)

But now it's calling for government regulation of the new and reworked Nielson ratings. The Nielsons are used by media owners like Tribune to calculate what is charged for advertising and...again, that's beside the point.

As our forefathers knew all too well, government is best when run as hands-off as possible--although in many cases it does need to get involved. The tricky part is deciding where regulation is necessary.

And Democracy does not thrive on "majority rule" alone. Sometimes, the tyranny of the majority needs to be curbed in order to protect the ONE PERCENT MINORITY CONTROLLING 99 FREAKIN' PERCENT OF ALL MEDIA...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/29/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Zepp and I

Led Zeppelin is a seminal rock band. I know this.

Nonetheless, I will never, ever voluntarily play any of their music.

Let me to explain (just put down the bong for a second, there, Mr. Classic Rock; if you've read this far, allow me this):

I TRULY like Zeppelin. Intelligent, talented, hard-rockin' (and given my history as a recovering metalhead, I'm partial to hard-rockin'). But I've heard 'em TOO DAMN MUCH. Every other party I attended in high school and college featured Zepp as part of the soundtrack. To this day, I can't take a spin along the radio dial without happening upon them.

So, perhaps I do have a need for a minor Led Zeppelin fix at regular intervals, but I can't imagine ever needing to score the Zepp myself.

Satisfied?

Yeah, yeah, yeah--say, isn't that thing cashed?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/29/2005:

> What's all this talk I keep hearing about a doily limerick. A doily is

> something you use to put under a tea cup or a chaffing dish at dinner

> parties. Why would someone write a limerick about doilies??? Well, it's

> just there are so many other better things to write limericks about...well

> you could write limericks about news, or sports or.....

>

> excuse me, Miss Latella...Miss Latella. The news release was about "Daily"

> limericks, that's Daily Limericks, limericks that take place every day, not

> "Doily" Limericks. Daily Limericks!

>

> Oh, that's different. Nevermind.

Would-be advertisers--get in on the ground floor to reach our, er, "unique" demographic!

And then there's this:

> Congratulations on this milestone!

This one's referring to DL's sixth birthday. Which occurred July 12.

Again: Would-be advertisers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2005:

Seein' dames summer-dressed to keep cool

a man thought he'd play pocket pool

while riding the bus

which made quite a muss

when he misjudged torque on his tool.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Nothing like a Cheezy Saturday Edition for re-iterating a few old S&Y philosophical points, thus appearing to generate original content to most while Cheezily saying nothing new:

Although you can certainly whine about its costs, the "danger" of the space shuttle is NOT an issue.

It's a vehicle sent into OUTER FREAKIN' SPACE and anybody involved is a full-grown adult who knows about and voluntarily takes the risk. In fact, those aboard have probably spent their whole lives living and dreaming of taking the risk.

So shut the hell up, or go about your established pseudo-scientific channels of "proving" that the astronauts' actions harm others to satisfy your sociopathic fetish for protecting folks from themselves. Secondhand falling foam, perhaps?...

And considering we're looking at a new Supreme Court nominee, and will likely do so again in the near future:

Despite the convenience it provides concerning the Divide and Conquer trick favored by the politicians screwing us all regularly, abortion is NOT the only issue in the world.

Thank you.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2005:

"Grand Theft" has a hidden alcove--

red hot on the sex content stove!

So Congress has acted--

fake world's more attractive

than tackling the crim'nal Carl Rove.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2005:

Celebrating SIX YEARS as of July 12! Send in your Daily Limerick Memories!...

Well, we're amid the Doggie-Style Days of Summer now and...and... I suppose you're getting tired of the junior-high innuendo capturing each month's signature mystique, so... Site's had Chicago Sun-Times mentions; fully functioning; someday I'll figure out how to track the number of hits and such; blah blah blah...

Jada Pinkett Smith's band, Wicked Wisdom... Alright. I'll first allow you to let the fact that Jada Pinkett Smith has a band to sink in.

Anyway, Wicked Wisdom is playing in Ozz Fest.

Well, I guess if folks like Shania Twain are the new country...

The E! Channel bears a show called, "True Hollywood Story: Inside the Mind of a Serial Killer."

Doesn't seem to fit E!'s niche. Not to mention the idea of "Hollywood."

But, hey, if Jada Pinkett's band can play Ozz Fest...

I have a new slogan and hope you'll all bandy it about the cultural landscape.

You've surely heard of this one "Meat is Murder."

Well, if you insist, here's mine:

"Meat is Mmm, Mmm Murder!"...

I'll quit calling you Shirley now, too...

Sorry. I can't bring myself to ever pass up a crack at that gag...

I've recently figured out yet another reason I've gravitated more and more toward the role of curmudgeon:

When you actually meet people of certain philosophies you balk at--say, vegetarians or people who don't see the cultural threat inherent in karaoke--it almost makes you feel bad about making fun of their type.

For a second or two, anyway.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/31/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Missing the Boat

Once, as a shaver, I embarked on a brief vacation with the family, north from the outer limits of Chicagoland and into Wisconsin.

There was a cabin rental involved. Fishing. Etc.

Well, my parents rented a boat to take a spin out on a nearby lake. For reasons unclear to me now, I said I did not want to go along for the ride.

So they left me on shore.

Almost immediately after they left shore, I regretted my decision. I wished I'd went along.

But there was nothing I could do at that point but sit and mope. And not just mope in an average manner. I worked myself into a frenzy of sadness and regret. "Why can't time go backward--I'll go for sure, I promise I will; I'll never have a chance to take this ride, on this day, ever again!"

Experiencing firsthand the experience of taking an action that goes against your wishes, with no practical reason, I was drawn to Edgar Allan Poe's description of it in his story, "The Black Cat." The character in that tale was a bit more rash, however, gauging out the eye of a cat simply because he loved the cat so much.

Luckily, the twisted reasoning behind my refusal to take the boat ride never became a "regular thing" in my life. Although I occasionally philosophize about the strange psychology behind it.

It's kinda like taking one for the team. Except, well, you are the only one on this "team."

And although there is certainly no "I" in team, there is a "me."

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/31/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: The poetry of loathing

A girl I didn't know,

a friend of a friend,

once sent me a terrible letter.

With acidic invective,

her missive was made

to burn through any hope in its way.

This note distilled living

to white-hot fury. Her heavy contempt

throbbed through the walls.

Seen only through such poisoned sight,

love was warped into a kind of murder.

She wrote, "Burn in hell like how I feel!"

I knew then the letter wasn't really for me.

That's what made its reception a joke.

And yet, it still got me.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/31/2005:

> Great email....lots of good 'scoop on sloop'.

> Thanks for the update and I hope all's well and you're enjoying summer. :-)

>

> Cheers!  Melissa Rose (Ziemer)

The above, of course, refers to a DL six-year e-press release.

If nothing else, I now have a written blurb, from a rather attractive singer-songwriter no less, certifying that I give good e.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.