Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2005:

Go pick up Men's Health--and then posit:

That strange "pro-man" feel, what does cause it?

It shows men quite buff;

tone's "nice" and not rough...

Why don't it come out of the closet?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

So, Paris Hilton is getting married.

Wax cynical if you must. But, in a way, it goes to show that there's someone for everyone, somewhere out there.

Of course, some of those someones may only be around for, oh, I'll say six months or so, but still...

A Danish Lutheran minister (with a funky Danish name you'd skip over anyway) publicly expressed doubt as to the existence of God but will be allowed to keep his job.

Hmm.

On one hand, he IS a priest and he IS responsible for stokin' the faith among his congregation. On the other hand, he may still follow more of his religion's tenets than the average American Catholic...

"The Friend Who Got Away" is but one in a whole new crop of books dealing with breakups--among friends.

Which is good for the American therapy industry. It was darn near engaging in billion-pinching.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/1/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Skittle Drink

It started back when I worked at Long John Silver's.

You get bored consuming the same old stuff day after day. So you try things. Like a catfish filet on a bun (which wasn't on the menu at the time). Or do-it-yourself corndogs made with hushpuppy mix.

Or Skittle Drink.

Named for Skittles brand candies, it's the perfect recipe for those tired of eating their Skittles in the same old solid form--and, I suppose, unwilling to smoke 'em.

One day I discovered, not wanting Coca-Cola or Dr. Pepper or any of the other selections as a beverage, that mixing together a bit of each from the entire Long John Silver's bevy o' beverages brought the flavor of liquid Skittles. Or at least watered-down liquid Skittles, which is probably preferable in a drink.

These days, many cheap eateries throw you the cup and allow you to get your own beverage from the fountain, making Skittle Drink available to the masses at large.

Perhaps my memory's clouded with the past good times and the omnipresent stench of greasy fish, but I believe the Long John Silver's mix made the best Skittle drink.

But every other fast food drink racks I've tried has proved sufficient.

So, what are you waiting for? Run out and...try not to get sick, I suppose.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2005:

The b-ball playoff TV ratings

are quite low and "huh?" it's creating.

Couldn't be, half the teams

make the "playoffs" and ream

fans with "reg'lar season" masturbating.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

A new Pennsylvania study finds that 93 percent of doctors surveyed practice "defensive medicine" for fear of malpractice suits.

That is, they sometimes go out of their way to be extra defensive--prescribing unnecessary tests and such, thus driving up health insurance costs for all--and sometimes go out of their way in the other direction, avoiding the recommendation of otherwise appropriate procedures risky (malpractice case-wise, anyway).

Meanwhile, yahoo researchers blew money to develop a "bloodless operation," apparently for the benefit of shit-fer-brainses...er, Jehovah's Witnesses, whose faith is against the exchange of blood via methods such as transfusion.

Is there a religion out there that doesn't believe in lawyers?...

A 75-year-old Waterloo, Ind. farmer was killed when a load of soybeans fell out of a grain bin and on top of him.

So... Soy kills.

Take that, PETA!...

Shocking TV Grid discovery:

The show "Yes, Dear" is still on the air.

Just a reminder, lest any of you think DL/S&Y can take a break from its War on Cultural Terror.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2005:

The French voted down the EU's

new charter--and Dutch said, "Us, too!"

Yay--"New Lib'ral" pap

was given bitch slap!

Even 'cross the pond, well... P-U!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

The NBA has hired Matthew Dowd, the Big Cheeze in Dubya's reelection campaign, to help improve the league's image.

I suppose the thinking is: Who else but the guy who led a nation to overlook a meaningless war to get them to overlook a meaningless regular season?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/3/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jeff

Now, "Jeff" isn't some trendily goofy name fashioned for a band.

It's the guy's name. Jeff.

He has a last name, but he wasn't great at his own pluggin'. A "focus on the art" kinda guy. Which causes me to like 'em even more.

Guitar wonder, I tell ya'. I heard him ramblin' accousticly.

Now, it's a bit rough to link the guy's Web site, if he has one, or to direct you in a Jeff-listening kinda direction. Check out the Flabby Hoffman link, or search Chicago's "Beat Kitchen"--he's the guy playing with a half-dozen dames for some "chick music" night upcoming.

He is, of course, not a chick.

But he's playin' a "chick music" night somehow.

With a bevy of babes.

Which, again, causes me to like him even more.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2005:

A girl I know offers a bevy

of pleasures--always at the ready.

Her buns taste of honey;

dates don't cost much money--

they're under two bucks: Little Debbie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Extra Cheezy Saturdays are best when life writes a nugget FOR me, ala this TV grid's listed show agenda:

"The new face of global terror; Kelly Clarkson."

S&Y's told ya' all along we're fighting on a cultural front, hasn't it?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2005:

So Paris Hilton's gettin' married

(for her image, seems quite contrary).

Ain't scared of the queers

but, to me, appears

the state of marriage is quite scary!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Friday headline:

"Jacko: Sex Predator or Con Victim?"

Now take note, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, for in this here headline we see much of what is wrong with our world and so-called "debate" today.

The problem derives from the word "or," as used above.

The way I see it, the headline should read: "Jacko: Sex Predator AND Con Victim"...

So Victoria Beckham, once AKA Posh Spice, says the recording industry has been stifling her attempts at a new singing career and is thus going to release something under a different name. Her theory goes that the CD will wow the world and then she'll tear off the disguise.

There's a lot of fun to be made with this one, I'm sure. But strange genetic block or something keeps me from bashing the idea of Posh tearing things off...

A while back, I indulged a recurring beef with the comic strip "Love Is..." Knowing its hippie creator had died, and her evil son had taken over, I was keeping a close eye and, sure enough, it turned sinister. Encouraging Internet dating, flippant cell phone use... Oh, the humanity!

Now, I was never a big "Love Is..." fan, mind you. And I know its sphere of topicality, so I wasn't expecting much of it but... Internet dating? Newer Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might ask why I don't just avoid reading the comic, but they haven't read about how I can't skip a comic. I don't have it in me. I've tried but I end up reading whatever's in between the ones I do like on the comics page.

Nonetheless, I quit harping the strip's descent some time ago. Yet now and again I can't help but speak up. I am a human being and I can't sit idly by as horrific crimes are committed, especially hidden beneath a veil of the comics' "light and breezy" facade taken for granted by the public.

Saturday's punch line, or sap line, or whatever you call it?:

"Hoping she won't max out the credit cards on her shopping trip."

However, there is a major silver lining on this cloud of Evil. As the say, the enemy you know is better than the enemy you don't.

And now I know that it's my ex-wife behind "Love Is..." in its nefarious new incarnation...

If any oils out there for sale were truly "essential," wouldn't we all be either dead or already in possession of them?...

Slappin' and Yappin' is no Ms. Manners. (But wouldn't you like to do up Ms. Manners, nine ways 'til Sunday school?) So it must throw this question out there to the readership:

Is it expected of a lady to raise her pinky finger--when she's goin' to town, hand and mouth, payin' a guy a lil' oral homage?

--Long-Winded in the Windy City

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/5/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Caught Bubblegum-Handed (and With Outdated Bubblegum, at That)

Now this is a slice-of-lifey kinda thing related to the above Posh nugget:

Last night, I broke out the BBQ grill for the first time this season. A religious event, sure, but that's an angle I won't dwell on.

I overheard some bad music.

To give you an idea of the exact stripe of this bad music, my first thought, accompanied by my sorta trademark mutterings, was imagining running into whoever was playing it and saying, "So? You have a 12-year-old living with you?"

Upon further thought, the pap sounded familiar. I couldn't quite identify it.

Then the music stopped.

Or did it? Upon careful listening, I noted the same CD continuing, only on a much, much lower volume. I recognized THIS song for sure--"If You Wanna Be My Lover," I think it's called. By the Spice Girls.

Somebody didn't want ANYONE to know about their Spice Girls listening habits, although they trusted blaring the B-side stuff.

I suppose we all have our dirty little secrets...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/5/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Pause

I heard about your house

sliding into the ocean.

The kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom all

joining forces

and fucking up your living space.

The plates smashed by folding-in walls,

the pipes belching water,

the bed broken in three places,

like an arm.

Canted angles of the home and hearth,

seawater born through the floor.

Escaping the mess with these memories,

and the inverse. Clockface glass

lying on the beach in useless discs.

Though, dude, your house

just fell off a fucking cliff.

If you don't find my detachment obscene,

I would rather watch your scattered clothing

spinning and twirling in the edge of the surf,

the sun glowing on the ends of coaxial cables,

and pages of the newspaper as frail little ships

dampening word to word.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/5/2005:

No letters today.

Ass bastards.

What? I gotta get a mention in the Chicago Sun-Times for that or something?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2005:

The once-Spice Girl, aka Posh,

says solo career got kibosh

'cause Industry shunned her--

fake name she'll sing under

but, call her George, I want a nosh!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Aha! I've spotted the first euphemism for "reality" TV: "unscripted."

Don't by it. Same unreal, cheap-as-shit-to-prodcuce  crap seeking to finally rid Hollywood of those pesky writers and, secondarily, anybody with any of that pesky, actual "talent" crap...

First, the City of Chicago went all Bulls Crazy because they finished a season a wee bit over .500 for the first time in a while.

Now, Cubs Fever (which never goes away, to the sinister delight of the Tribune Company)--all because THEY'VE stayed above .500 for a bit, it's kicked-up a notch.

What the hell is wrong with Chicagoans? What do they think this is--Santa Monica kids soccer?...

(For those not in the know, and I'm not sure it was Santa Monica, but damn sure it was somewhere in California... Well, anyway, they instituted a policy of not keeping track of scores, lest there be no "winners" to make non-winners feel bad, ironically generating a whole bunch of extra losers...)

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/6/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Medicinal Haiku

Young psychiatrist

Went into proctology

Curing odds and ends

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2005:

In Terror Wars, we're to be 'fraid er

Zarqawi and likes of al-Sadr.

But day to day life

instead is quite rife

with Bush playing role of Darth Vader.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

First, Newsweek reported that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed a copy/copies of the Quran.

Then, amid the naturally following hubbub, Newsweek retracted the source.

Next, the White House opened a can o' propaganda whoop-ass on Newsweek.

Before turning around and admitting that the flushing, and other acts of Quran abuse, had likely basis in fact.

Then... Well, Newsweek apparently hasn't officially said much about it since then. Which is perhaps the most frightening thing about all of this--even more disturbing than alleged tactics at Guantanamo.

Anyway, in perusing a list of alleged Quran-dissin' incidents, this one especially caught my eye:

"A guard's urine had splashed on a detainee and his Quran."

Note that the guard most certainly didn't PEE ON the detainee or holy book. His urine somehow "splashed" upon them. Oh, happenstance, how amusing you can be!

Let he who hasn't "splashed" those around him from time to time, during that whimsical act known as urination, cast the first stone...

The NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, for readers with their heads firmly jammed up their keysters) issued a boycott against the state of South Carolina for flying the Confederate flag on its statehouse.

Now, this isn't a new thing. The boycott started in 2000.

Reportedly, youthful party seekers are descending upon South Carolina. Even black, youthful partygoers. And many of them, reportedly, aren't even aware that the ban exists. Others apparently don't care.

Now, our government, corporations and other entities may indeed be growing more sinister all the time. But I gotta give 'em the fact that, considering absolute power's role as a corruption catalyst, we're a pretty tempting target, as a whole, so entrapment at least plays a teensy-weensy role...

Headline from a boring trade journal:

"National Institute of Health/HHS Awards Education, Drug Abuse Partnerships"

I don't expect you to make much sense of this. I don't make much sense of it myself and it IS from a trade journal relevant to one of my gigs.

But I'll take a gander at part of it to help you get your decipherin' gears a'goin':

I think that a partnership of education and drug abuse refers to the college experience...

Now, Shakira is hot. I've thought that from the second I leered eyes on her.

The other day I saw a picture of her, took an especially close gander, and decided that she's really not Super Hot, as I'd thought before. Not Hollywood Hot, anyway.

This makes her even hotter than the original Super Hot, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

My original intention in pointing this out was to wax all philosophical. I once read something by some classic author or another in which a woman was described who was ridiculously beautiful--but only because her otherwise perfect beauty was marred by some glaring imperfection of some sort.

So I'm stickin' with that. You can imagine the philosophizing from there.

Oh, that sassy philosophizin'!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2005:

First, Newsweek reported Quarans

were flushed in Guantanamo land.

Though stories were fact-ed

tale soon was retracted

as Bush played U.S. Taliban.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

So the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that the Feds can indeed prosecute the ill and suffering for use of marijuana, although there were three dissenting judges.

One of the three was Clarence Thomas. Curiously, however, the pro-med Mary Jane crowd has refrained from praising Thomas or his decision.

Perplexing, no? It isn't as if most of this country isn't so blind with partisanship that the actual facts of a situation mean less than which "side" somebody is on or anything...

Just read today--and I believe this to be mere rumor--that Dave Chapelle is walking away from his delightful Comedy Central TV show because he is a serious, practicing Muslim.

I, too, had many questions upon reading it. But as of yet have no answers.

If so... Another soul lost, another gift of life wasted to that damn organized religion...

There's an '80s tune called "Jamoney" (SIC?).

Somebody should do a parody called "Zamboni."

Hop to it. You can't have TOO much on your plate, readin' this crap and all. Bastards...

What is wrong with everybody?

Really.

What's with, er, well... Why is the popularity level of, um... Why is society High on Colonics all of a sudden?...

In perusing a feature on regional festivals, I came across this Michigan event:

"Colon Magic Week."

I told you, didn't I, that this colonics craze has gone too far, now didn't I?...

 "Colon Magic Week" is also conveniently followed by:

"Michigan Fiber Festival."

I... I think I've made my point.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/8/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Slicing Jalopenos

Hmm.

Realize that I usually select topics for these special sections ahead of time--and that a "colonics hunk" followed by jalopeno-themed culinary musings was not intentional.

In any event, common "wisdom" holds that when you slice up jalopenos, you seed them.

Oh, and considering that you're a bunch of Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I'll caution that "seeding" refers to removing the seeds from something and discarding them--and not whatever sick act you're imagining.

Anyway, common "wisdom," in this case, is a load of crap.

The seeds are what brings on the spicy hot.

And... Aw, what the hell: They can have the same effect as a colonic.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2005:

As Deep Throat has now been revealed

though tale, over time, has congealed

some conservatives

with mem'ries like sieves

wish Nixon's quitting'd be repealed.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Gregory Despres is a Canadian cat who waltzed across our Maine border, given the nod by U.S. Customs after interrogation, while carrying, among other things, a hatchet and a homemade sword.

Oddly enough, he was soon charged with a double murder by Canadian officials.

Customs says it didn't have any valid, legal reason to detain the guy.

Oh! Did I mention he also was carrying a bloody chainsaw?

Still, I guess you wouldn't want to stereotype all those bloody-chainsaw carrying, decent citizens.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2005:

I hope that it's temp and not chronic

but hipsters are nuts for colonics.

At least folks enjoyed

when leisure employed

chain-smoking and strong gin and tonics!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

I hope you all know what July 12 is.

Bastards.

It's Daily Limerick's birthday. Goin' on six this time around.

Oh, the dreams I've had for this calendar date!

Now, after many years, the City Council of the City of Chicago has proclaimed July 12...wait for it...wait for it:

"Roger Ebert Day."

Glad to see the Council's on the important matters, anyway...

By the way, I'm a little suspicious that my entry for May 19, 2005, happened to call Ebert a "blowhard."

And then THIS happens.

And there's also the matter of May 19 being my birthday.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/10/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Long Story Short

Today marks a new low in ENTERTAIN YOURSELF history.

I can't tell you anything about the music of today's featured act. Except that it was very good. Delightful, indeed, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

I do remember, however that... Yeah. Hot female fan base. You're onto me.

But they were also a FRIENDLY, hot female fan base.

Not "friendly" in that way, gutter-humpers!

Anyway, I don't know what else to say.

But I encourage you to check out Long Story Short. The mystery should be tinglin' you up. Perhaps you'll find yourself enjoying a style or...whatever of music you otherwise would not have. Perhaps grand new vistas will open along the perimeter of your dreams' horizon because of it!

Of course, I have no guarantees.

You want guarantees, you take yourself to Montgomery Wards!

(I realize Montgomery Wards folded some time back. I just didn't wanna give a plug.)

(Not THAT kind of plug, shitferbrains.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2005:

A chick with a big piggy nose

who looked quite a fright without clothes

with guys still did good

namely 'cause she could

suck a golf ball through garden hose.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Costco, the buy-in-bulk discount stores, are going to be offering health insurance. I'm guessing it's for employees but, again, that's just a guess.

This might not be the most economical option under ordinary circumstances. But if you're gonna need, say, eight organs removed all at once, I'm sure it'll be quite a bargain.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2005:

A Festival named for James Dean

in Marion saw few on scene

though they planned for bunches.

Why? I've got my hunches:

Indiana lacks aging queens.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Thursday headline:

"Why Do Feds Want Fewer Penalties for Big Tobacco?"

The answer, of course, is lobbyists.

In a perfect world or, what the hell, even a slightly closer to perfect world, the answer might be the fact that any penalties are passed on mostly to adults who've made the choice, despite knowing health risks, to smoke, all for the purpose of funding "smoking cessation" programs, which effectively achieve only the result of feeding the counseling industry (and now, through smuggling, terrorists), which brings us back to lobbyists.

Which says a lot about the way our country is run right there...

***

FEELING I SHOULD EXPLAIN MYSELF, FOR SOME REASON 6/12/2005:

Now, I don't expect too many people to cry over the fate of smokers when we've got a death machine going in Iraq and even more frightening lobbyists to worry about on the level of Halliburton, and I think about how I harp on smoking issues too often and I could offer lots of justification, like the frightening trend toward Big Mother and the precedent our smoking policy has set toward now fast food and who knows what next but... I guess perhaps I feel compelled to sound off because nobody else really does.

Oh, there's an occasional commentary on the matter but, as I said, there are bigger fish to fry in the opinion of the overall populace (and I'll admit they're mostly right), and call me self-interested, 'cause I am a smoker, albeit of cigars, but nobody cries "self-interest" over women trumpeting feminist issues, for instance, so OF COURSE most pundits and/or activists are going to have some level of self-interest in the causes they espouse...

Since I've presented awards in the past for positive acts, why not go the other way?

This is part of the reason why DL/S&Y now presents our...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' BONEHEAD OF GRAND PROPORTIONS AWARD 6/12/2005:

Awardee: Chicago alderman Ed. Burke.

Burke's often a source of local bonehead activity. But recently he's proposed raising the smoking age in the city to 19. Other cities and states have done it, of course but, as I said, Burke has a history of boneheadism that bolsters this specific act even higher on the ass-brain scale.

I know, I know. Here I go again, harpin' on this type of topic. And this observation is not the most original, granted:

But I have a hard time understanding how someone can look around at our world, wonder what he should do to improve the place, and decide it's urgent to insure that citizens can not only go off and die for their country before being allowed to imbibe alcohol, but they shouldn't be allowed to smoke at that point, either.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/12/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Piss Busts

I have been busted in the past for taking a piss in a technically "public" place. It's never been anything like on a booth at Denny's and has always been out-of-the-way but there's that technicality thing.

Anyway, I don't want to go into many details, for many reasons. Let's just say this has happened, and by "busted" I don't mean getting a rough-up from a band of coppers or anything.

It has happened numerous times over the course of my life, though. I'll admit I drink a lot of liquids--in fact, I think that proclivity owes something to my being a drunk in the distant past, but I digress. See, even since I was a shaver, I've had a lousy bladder. I remember my grandpa telling my mom to "get him checked out" after a pee-filled afternoon with the grand p's and, after getting "checked-out," being told I was fine. Just small bladdered, evidently.

I could regale you, and embarrass myself, at great length on this topic. But I'll just tell you this one, it being far enough in the past to render little embarrassment:

It was in Champaign-Urbana, mid-to-late '80s, and I was attending the University of Illinois there. (So many ugly stories start this way for me.)

Returning on foot from a party on the fringes of campus--in fact, on the opposite fringe of campus, as our dorm was on a fringe--I discovered I really, truly had to piss. (You saw that comin', admit it!) Beer was an especially cruel beverage to me.

So, I went in the bushes to handle the duty.

Then I heard a voice behind me. The voice of a cop.

He frisked me and gave me a good talkin' to.

Although he didn't doubt that I was just a college kid (main source of the city's funding) and just taking a piss after too much beer, he said, "There've been burglaries in the neighborhood; and it could get ugly if some old lady peeks out her window and sees a guy with his dick in his hand."

He had a point. But I would live to get piss busted another day.

Hmm.

No, that's it for today.

It's not like I've guaranteed a moral each week or anything.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/12/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Not just mop-work

When I heard about your city flooding,

I couldn't help but wonder how you were faring.

Not just mop-work and closed-down

bus lines, in my mind. I'm talking

destroyed carpets, furniture floating

where it once sat, cereal and cigarettes

bobbing in a bog made of kitchen trash.

How would you react to these things?

Would you cry out darkly,

spinning in a corner?

Would you imagine aiming spotlights

above the interminable thrum of

dessicant dehumidifiers, full

into your need? (or will you

have changed?)

No, don't do that.

Then your skin is illuminated,

your eyes light up,

and the movements of your mouth

are magnified.

That would turn this lace of hatred

to guilt.

(a glass jar clumped with red

sauce breaches in the

rising pond of your living room)

Loosening an old tenderness

that has nothing more to say.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2005:

Now Danica, she raced the Indy

which caused so much talk, near got windy.

The race was historic

yet Guy Talk's sophomoric:

In bed, does she do Triple Lindy?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Is it too much to ask for ONE success story? One case of, say, a wife beater becoming a nonviolent, decent human being after a freakin' "Anger Management" course?...

I thought of this literary descriptor last night and couldn't help but share it.

It refers to... Well, it refers to a fart.

Ahem.

Anyway:

"It was as if he were sitting on a burning cabbage."

Hmm.

Do what you like with it, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/13/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Gastrointestinal Haiku

Colonoscopy

Followed by endoscopy

Just making ends meet

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2005:

Turn tube on--Tom & Kate are on it.

New Pow'r Couple, hot as a comet.

"Love," Holmes and ol' Cruise

put out in full view

to help out if you need to vomit.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Media distrust is big these days.

Survey after survey seems to indicate that more and more folks are writing off traditional news outlets--and not only newspapers and TV news but also their Internet equivalents.

Sure, the public has many legitimate reasons to be cynical about the state of journalism--"fake news" stories, over-reliance on the Party Line, be it from government, the latest "experts" or PR folk... And most of those problems owe at least something to maniacal media consolidation, but now's not that time to bleat on that one.

I also think part of it is a wishful thinking-type of excuse--it's easier to justify having no clue as to what's going on in the world if "The Media sucks."

And that attitude is perhaps what's most disturbing. Rather than thinking "this" is what's wrong with the media or "that" is what should be done, the public is increasingly writing off the press.

Which is exactly what those in power want us to do.

Might as well lube up, while we're at it...

More evidence supporting S&Y's theory that, while science and technology continue to advance, rending society itself effectively more and more intelligent all the time, the individual is in fact growing stupider:

Today, a moron came up to me with a dollar bill and asked if he could pay to make a call on my cell phone.

I told him that I didn't have a cell phone and, noticing a pay phone station across the street, I pointed at it.

He looked at the pay phones for a bit. A befuddled look grew on his face. He stood still for a moment, confused.

And then he walked up to bother another stranger, still holding his dollar out...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2005:

The Jacko jury chose acquitting;

the Extortion Glove seemed most fitting.

Though he should take care

it's back to the lair

to get back to serious "kidding."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

So Congress, having been under fire over this matter lately, for some reason, has officially apologized for not addressing lynching in the past. Namely, for not making it illegal.

Our laws evidently didn't cover such obscure acts as, oh, inciting a violent public mob, dragging someone forcefully from his home or, well, murder...

So what's next on the apology agenda? A "sorry" for not laying out workable rules for dueling? What the hell is Congress becoming here--the Vatican?...

Read today about a new-ish broadcast known as "Stuff Radio."

As in the magazine, Stuff.

So, instead of Howard Stern's "broadcasting" naked ladies for your listening pleasure, the bimbos will have bikinis?...

Read today in a government pub about an organization granting money to "collaborations of the Runaway Youth and Domestic Violence communities."

Sounds to me like trouble, but my tax dollars are funding worse things, I suppose...

The Chicago Transit Authority, my local bus/train provider, has a Smart Card.

You can "charge it up" online, get a refund if it's lost, etc.

None of that was attraction enough for me to get one. But they only continued the "$1 per $10 put on the card" bonus with the Smart Card, so I have one.

It also allows you to pay a fare quickly. Well, it was quick with the old cards, too, but I guess it saves a few additional nanoseconds. But, considering many riders toss money down the crapper by using the old cards and/or cash/coinage, there is no speed improvement whatsoever.

A system is only as fast as the slowest moron involved.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/15/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Frozen Mexican Dinners

I don't eat frozen dinners a lot. Well, I'll eat frozen pizza fairly often, but I'm talking about the actual "dinners," with side dishes, etc., in the convenient tray. They were once called "TV dinners," when it was considered novel and even a bit decadent to actually watch TV while eating instead of having a sit-down, conversational meal.

Anyway, in case you haven't figured it out already, I happen to be a fan of the Mexican frozen dinners, for some reason. Or perhaps they should actually be labeled "Mexican-esque" or something.

You see, I'm a fan of real Mexican food, but these are certainly NOT real Mexican food. In fact, they're in culinary category by themselves that should have a name of its own, far removed from "Mexican," although they certainly can sport a parenthetical ala, "Inspired by Mexican-style cooking, (sort of)."

(I'm getting a sense of deja vu, or perhaps vuja de...but that's because I wrote about frozen burritos in a recent "Eat It" section. And made many of the same points.)

Anyway, I recommend 'em, despite their unique stylings and hard-to-identify nature. (I recently made two small entrees, one with chicken and one with beef enchiladas, and could not figure out which was which by sight or taste.)

So... Ole!

Or... Faux Ole!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2005:

Now Paris Hilton found fame's sheen

'cause wealth and clue lacking's obscene.

She says in "two years"

she'll then disappear--

but she's on Minute Seventeen.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Headline--

"Report: Saudis Reject Calls for Nuclear Inspections."

Those damn Weapons of Mass Destruction! They're never where you want 'em to be and always popping up in the most inconvenient of nations...

I've said it before and, naturally, will say it again:

There's a lot of "Duh!" news out there.

I'll give you some example headlines from yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Some Jurors Say They Think the Pop Star Has Molested Children"; "Scooters Sending Kids to Hospitals"; "Many Don't Trust Weather Report, Poll Says".

And THAT'S skipping a few of the less amusing ones.

Wow. It's even worse than I thought.

Well, at least Morgan Spurlock has journalism to fall back on, should the documentary thing fall through...

Alanis Morissette is now touring to promote her "new" album. Which is a remake-redo-re-interpretation of her 10-year-old "Jagged Little Pill" album, called "Jagged Little Pill Acoustic."

Movie and Music Industry synergy in the making, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

And now we have yet ANOTHER...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 6/16/2005:

Awardee: Connecticut Gov. M. Jodi Rell

Rell vetoed a state bill that would've forbidden the sales of junk food in schools, bucking a nationwide Big Mother trend.

Thus, future Connecticut-bred fatties will have someone to blame for their unsightly blubber! Other than themselves, anyway. Which is, oddly enough, how most will prefer it, regardless of whether or not they'd admit that...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2005:

That god of the bulk-buying scene

ol' Costco for PR does preen

off'ring health insurance--

just great for occurrence

of need to remove seven spleens.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Nine years ago, I interned in New York. At MAD Magazine. Which is beside the point, but I like to throw it out there whenever I get the chance.

I remember going down to the subway just after work and being amazed at how packed cars were. I'd ridden Chicago's trains for some time, but in New York, I had to wait for a few trains to pass before even attempting to board--there were just too damn many people. That was a unique situation for me--I'd let trains pass in Chicago before, but only because I wasn't in the mood to be squished. The New York trains I let pass could not accommodate another body.

Now, I have an uncommon work schedule. I work a lot from home and the part-time gigs I do have are flexible enough that they're either out-of-the-way (not downtown) or I can come and go at times that avoid rush hours.

Today, circumstances had me traveling from downtown to home at around 5 p.m.

I had to let a couple trains pass.

But we can't help ourselves, can we? We'll just keep pluggin' away in the labs, makin' people live longer, makin' the infertile fertile.

It's a shame things don't work backward, isn't it? Back in the B.C. years, when mankind actually had a chance of going extinct, it would've been handy to have today's science.

And today... Well, look around you. Wouldn't it work much better if we became more primitive with time?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/17/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Robbi

Robbi is a rapper, or hip-hopper, or whatever you kids are callin' 'em these days. Sort of.

She also actually sings. And her samplings are especially interesting, including Indian music.

Picture a two-foot-tall Indian chick with a really big mouth. In a good way. The big mouth, that is. And everything else but... you know what I mean.

Oh, and I exagerrate, probably. I think she's taller than two-feet. And I'm not entirely sure she's Indian. She could be Pakistani or Sri Lankan for all I know... What do you want from me?

Check Robbi out. That's my point. You'll be entertained.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2005:

A man riding crowded subway

was jostled in just the right way--

in fact, he did spooj;

then noted "A dude!"

and now wonders if he's turned gay.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

On a cheezy Saturday, some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might be planning to hit one of those urban festivals that are omnipresent in the summer months.

So let me remind newer readers, while rewarding long-term ones by wasting their time, of the DL/S&Y line on these festivals.

To be honest, I'm actually planning to attend one here in Chicago tomorrow. My lady is participating in some capacity. And, to be more honest, I usually do end up attending at least one each summer. I guess that, well... Although it may appear meaningless upon close introspection, that can be said, really, for all we do. What is one to do? Just end it all--or worse, go goth?

Dust in the wind, my friends.

But, anyway, well... Take Chicago's Blues Fest. There are a schmillion blues clubs in the city and you can see the world's finest any night of the week. But they throw a Blues Fest in a big park downtown and act like it's something unprecedented.

And, yes, it's outdoors in the warm weather and, yes, they have multiple stages but... You can only watch one act at a time, anyway! Oh, and they feature food from beloved restaurants from around town, but none that you can't eat at (for much cheaper and with a larger selection) on any day of the year.

Oh, but I guess I'm overlooking the greatest bonus of all: Being able to do all these things you can do anytime amid a surplus of sweaty, shirtless, drunken suburbanites as they spill beer on you.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2005:

The new euphemism's "unscripted."

TV folks feel fare is thus lifted

'bove "reality"

yet it's plain to see--

still crap with no one involved gifted.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Happy Fathers Day!

None of you mothers out there go botherin' 'em for alimony on this, their Special Day!...

Ill. Sen. Dick Durbin's hubbub-generating  comments on Guantanamo Bay were dubbed by Dubya to be a "disservice to men and women in uniform."

Unlike, oh, imperiling their lives by sending them off to fight a ridiculously unnecessary war...

So, the runaway bride's story is going to be made into a movie of the week or something. A sleazeball behind the project claims that her ordeal is an "unexpected and compelling story of love and forgiveness that has taught me a thing or two."

So... Naw.

Too freakin' easy...

I've done more than my fair share of fun-making at the expense of Cubs fans in this space so, to show bipartisanship, or bifair-weather-fanmanship, or something, I'll admit it:

The White Sox are gonna choke at some point, too.

You develop a sixth sense about these things, being raised in the Chicago-area...

Made a joke while hosting a show last night that referenced Night Ranger.

It appears that many in the crowd didn't appear to "get it."

Great. Now I have to start worrying about the Bob Hope Syndrome.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/19/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Relationship Pasta Propaganda

I love the title of today's Sunday Story Time. And I love the whole idea behind it.

But I'm a little lost as to some details of today's, er, "story." So you're in for a real treat.

You see, I try to jot down ideas for Sunday Story Time topics well ahead of time. And I've never had a problem with being able to take it from there, down the line when it's time to write the edition.

Here's what I remember:

I was having dinner with M'lady over Memorial Day weekend. Cooking out wasn't encouraged by Chicago's holiday weekend weather, so a multi-course meal was prepared through the efforts of both of us.

Pasta was involved. The pasta was a store-specific generic, "Jewel" shells.

Knowing my dinner partner to be largely of Italian descent, I had reason to suspect a prejudice toward the Jewel pasta.

Now here's where the details get fuzzy. I said or did something for the effect of improving M'lady's image of "Jewel" pasta. Don't remember what. Although, if it's any consolation, and it most certainly isn't, the action was something cool, literarily speaking. Although cool is relative, considering what you're reading.

But it got me to thinkin': There is such a thing as Relationship Propaganda.

And I was engaged in Relationship Pasta Propaganda.

So perhaps the literary "circle device" makes up for the fact that crucial details were forgotten, at least partially...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/19/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Little chandeliers

Annealed glass lasted. The leaves

pressed into the clay tiles

did not. They flamed up and burned

off in the kiln, producing not

a large quantity of smoke -- leaving

imprints in the ceramic

of their chlorophyll veins.

If we saw volcanic rock, would it

rise up 500 feet in some places

and sleep at the floor of the ocean

in others? Igneous, I believe is

the term for the form:

orange-red magma

cooling and condensing into solid

rooms,

annealed rock rooms.

We could furnish

them with little chandeliers

that look fragile but if they fall,

they will fall heavily,

and shatter noisily.

If not lava-born,

could we find stones that were

water-collected?

The chandelier itself:

stalactites'

rocky fingers,

touching the salty air down.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2005:

Costs billions to fill up the gurneys

off in Iraq--pfft! Low concern-y!

Congress sees the budget;

wonders how to fudge that

fake frugalness... Kill Bert & Ernie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Us Weekly editor-in-chief  Janice Min, on skepticism surrounding Tom Cruise and what's-her-face's alleged heterosexual union after the Proposal in the Eiffel Tower:

"No one would take a publicity stunt this far."

Oh, no! That'd be as cheezy and ridiculous as, say, stringing together a bunch of press releases masquerading as "entertainment journalism" and calling it a "magazine" for years and years and years...

Okay, sports are considered the Domain of the Manly Man, right?

And what could be less Manly than erectile problems?

And what products appear to finance the vast majority of athletic events these days, through advertising and outright sponsorship? I'll give you a hint: There's a golf event actually named the "Cialis Open."

Perhaps the "irony is dead" crowd is right, albeit in a different way than the assertion is commonly interpreted.

Otherwise, I'd think the marketing folks had committed a real boner on this one, or perhaps a real non-boner or, oh, you get the point (even if your wife apparently doesn't)...

Sunday headline:

"Teenager Creamer Leads LPGA Event."

Well, what the hell are they waiting for? Arrest her!...

Read a reference to "wrestler and actor Goldberg" the other day.

Wrestler AND actor? Isn't that redundant?...

This just in:

(Well, it's been "in" for a while, but it makes S&Y sound more important this way.)

Lindsay Lohan isn't so hot.

Oh, line her up amid a dozen or so of the typical, average, everyday chicks who feel justified in wearing belly shirts and she'd certainly stick out as comely.

But knock off the hubbub! Send her off to the land of "reality," where washed-up actors apparently now go to die, post haste!...

Here's my pitch for a new TV drama:

"Law & Hors d' Oeuvres."

He hee.

Ahem.

That's all I got.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/20/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cutting Remarks Haiku II

Sarcastic surgeon

Amputates his patient's thoughts

With a cutting word

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2005:

Next wave of nuclear inspections

point off in a Saudi direction.

Those WMDs

inconveniently

don't help with the Bush war selections!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Now the FCC is debating whether or not to add more annotations and whiting-outs to the First Amendment as it concerns blogs. Which, like it or not, I guess THIS is. Sort of.

So I'm taking the rest of the day off to get an early start on the Sunday Story Time about the incident where I had anal sex with a nun.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2005:

That Bastion of Manliness, sports,

is bankrolled by ills 'neath the shorts

through drugs like Cialis...

Hail impotent phallus!

(Seems less manly than it purports).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Urgent news update:

(Urgent being highly subjective, although isn't it always?)

The City of Chicago has moved Roger Ebert Day from July 12, that Holiday of Grand Proportions celebrating Daily Limerick's birth, to July 18.

Behold the power of Daily Limerick.

Hmmm.

No ad campaign parody necessary.

Just: Behold the power of cheeze...

The City of Chicago is considering a ban on those most dangerous of fireworks, which have previously fell through the legal cracks... Sparklers.

Huh?

Guys, guys, guys. When S&Y coined the term "Big Mother"--and it did, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise, see the 'chives--it didn't mean it LITERALLY. It was, you know, a joke functioning on exaggeration, you see, and...

Amid the Gitmo hubbub, many nations are reportedly refusing to turn terrorism suspects over to the U.S., in part because the U.S. "allows" many such suspects to be interrogated in countries that engage in torture tactics.

A U.S. counterterrorism rep, responding to an individual case discussed, claimed that Syria "promised" to treat suspects humanely.

Syria, evidently, can't be trusted for much of anything--except treating terror suspects humanely, of course...

FBI Executive Assistant Director Gary Bald, defending the agency against charges it didn't place knowledge of Mid Eastern culture as a high priority in hiring decisions as it said it would post-9/11, well... Kinda engaged in the telling of Gary-Bald-faced lies, didn't he?...

Headline in yesterday's newspaper, deriving from an attempted exorcism (or is that redundant?):

"Monk Accused of Killing Nun by Tying Her to a Cross."

Okay, Homeland sec. Start up the profiling of these dangerous Christian fundamentalists...

Speaking of terrorism, CIGNA Healthcare threw out cease and desist orders to Placebo Journal, which parodied the organization as SICKNA.

According to its paid liar...er, "spokesperson"  Lindsay Shearer, "When employees see stuff like that it upsets them."

Frightening on so many levels, but here's one you might have missed:

The next big thing, evidently, is going beyond some implied right not to be offended (despite, oh, that silly First Amendment and all) to a right not to be upset...

Speaking of PR folk, the one for Pace, the suburban semi-wing of Chicago public transit system (utilized by three riders, I believe, at last count), is a guy named Michael Bolton.

Michael Bolton's the name. Being a spokesperson's his game.

A horrible career and/or name choice for, if we've learned any lessons at all from the horrors of history before us, nobody should ever, EVER give him a microphone...

Finally! Documented evidence of the True Evil in a phenomenon I expected it of all along (from a sign seen in a grocery store):

"Karaoke for Prostate Cancer"...

Read, post-holiday, about the results of some "Fathers Day Run."

Geez. Just forget the damn gift if you're gonna make the poor guy do THAT...

Question irrelevant to much of anything:

How did parents divert their children to get a few things done before TV?...

Another question irrelevant to much of anything:

What's the attraction of seeing a famous porn star at a strip club?

Isn't the point to see women who are complete strangers nude? And ones that you can't otherwise see in such a state?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/22/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: A Boycott

Saw a helluva deal in my grocery store recently on Michelina's frozen meals.

Almost picked some up.

Then remembered its commercials and... Well.

Let's boycott 'em.

We don't have much ability to influence the stupidity of advertising. So let's take advantage of this one.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2005:

The FCC Taliban's cogs

are drooling to go after blogs.

It's tempting to stick

on this site, just pics

of me play'n with my honkin' log.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Get this:

The Chicago Black Hawks... Oh, they're a hockey team. Once part of a thing called the NHL--National Hockey League. They play ICE hockey, to be more detailed.

Remember it?

Well, anyway, they've fired their coach, who evidently didn't perform well enough over the last season, the one that didn't happen because of the strike, and the one that nobody would've cared about much even if there wasn't a strike, and the number one contender to fill the coach position is... Well, which brings us back to--

Get this:

Trent Yawney.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2005:

The City of Chicago, man

might institute at sparkler ban (?)!

New front for Big Mother--

if they had their druthers

they'd pass a "Five Veg a Day" plan!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Photos of accused johns are being put online by the City of Chicago as an attempt to shame them as an innovative way of combating prostitution.

So... Can any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers spot the similarity here between prostitution and other victimless crimes (pre P.C.'d definition), AKA "crimes" that shouldn't be wasting valuable law enforcement time and resources?

Yup. The word "accused." In desperately fighting ridiculous "crimes," circumvention of that pesky Constitution is often a factor...

And, wouldn't ya' know?, these johns are being forced into the grip of the Counseling Industry, ala the Drug War.

This has become a veritable textbook-style lesson--we have ANOTHER ridiculous "crime" tip-off!

Counseling...hmm.

Maybe these "crimes" aren't so victimless after all--for those persecuted...er, prosecuted, anyway...

Actually, I'll stick with the first term, "persecuted"...

Vehicles of the Chicago Transit Authority, much like those of other big city public transportation organizations, have an automatic voice calling out the names of stops, issuing reminders against smoking/littering, etc.

Today was one of those days where I witnessed the automated voice all screwd up and calling out the wrong stop names.

Wouldn't wanna bother $17/hour nepotist drivers with the extra work, now, would we?...

Somehow, this has evolved into an (almost) all-Chicago-tie-in edition, and that's gonna continue with this next one...

Do you recall, the last time the Cubs fucked-up their playoff opportunity, when I found sympathy for the oft-bashed-by-S&Y Cubs fans and likened them to Charlie Brown's ever-optimistic (yet hopeless) baseball team dreams?

Lately, I've focused on the fact that there's one huge difference separating good ol' Chuck from the Cubs:

The absence of an Evil Media Empire profiting from his despair...

Brief recap, then an update:

First, I called Roger Ebert a "blowhard" in the Chief Limericist's Birthday edition (May 19) of S&Y.

Then, DL's birthday (July 12) was attacked by the city and other foes of DL/SY (work with my fantasy, won't you)--with the City of Chicago dubbing July 12 "Roger Ebert Day."

Then, Roger Ebert Day was moved to July 18. Thanks to the, er, efforts of DL/S&Y legions and such. Ahem.

So I guess I'd like to say, although it wouldn't seem necessary now, that... Well, Ebert's actually, a great man in many ways. Seminal non-fluff movie reviewer and such. "Blowhard" was just referring to the occasional, sickeningly by-the-book liberal political columns he pens and... Well, this is an apology, you know.

But I ain't takin' anything said about Roeper back!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/24/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: What Makes You Lose It?

What makes you lose it--as in, break into tears?

(A long-promised, different format for this weekly feature, eh?)

I'm again asking, hopelessly, for input from you, the Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, on this one. Namely, I'm referring to entertainment forms that cause you to shed a tear, specifically, at least in my case, after a breakup or similar tragedy. Although the tragedy angle isn't necessary.

See, I have a hard time crying. When I face the end of a long-term relationship, which I did concerning my late marriage about a year ago, a part of me feels the urge to cry. But, of course, I'm generally able to restrain myself from doing it in front of others. And I generally fight the urge out of ingrained habit, although that is likely not the case with female Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

So strong is this urge to fight the tears, however, that when I tell myself, "Okay, I'm home alone, my work's done for the day--time to bawl and get it out," I have a hard time doing it nonetheless. But I'll eventually find myself listening to sad music and some song by some artist will trigger me, and there's usually a specific lyric that does it.

Again, loyal Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, you're welcome to go beyond music and breakups for your tales. For instance, I experienced a pathetic situation sitting around stoned with a bunch of guys while viewing "E.T." But the below examples return to music:

In one instance, I was getting over a two-year relationship, bombed out of my mind, and the Rolling Stones' "Angie" did it to me--specifically the line, "All the dreams we held so close, seemed to all go up in smoke."

Another time, it was Johnny Cash's "Flesh and Blood" and the line "A cardinal sang just for me, and I thanked him for the song."

That second one lacks the obvious lyric/reality relevance of the first. There was no bird-based bestiality involved, so I'm not sure of the origins, but there you have it.

So send in your own tales of tears and entertainment.

Ass-bastards.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2005:

A man's long and curly mustache

was featured when he licked some gash.

But once it so tickled

the girl launched a trickle

and he shaved it off in a flash.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

So the NBA, amid flagging viewership and a host of other problems, for which a silly regular season eliminating but a handful of teams plays no small part (although you curiously don't hear that fact mentioned much in related discussions)--all for the point of shamelessly pumping extra "playoff" money out of its dwindling fan base... Whew! What a sentence!

Anyway, NBA execs are now considering kicking the shameless money pump into high gear by becoming the first major U.S. sports league to allow advertising on player uniforms.

There is, however, a sign of optimism in all this.

Ya' know how they say that "there's someone for everyone"? (And, sappily enough, I've seen evidence to back this up.) Well, that rule apparently works in realms of life beyond love.

Who'd have thought there were actually execs out there emulating NHL management stylings?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2005:

The folks with young kids known to me

divert them, at times, to be free

and get some stuff done.

I've questions, main one:

What did parents do pre-TV?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Liberal activists addressing the medical marijuana controversy are bypassing what S&Y would think to be a very important point:

Even if people AREN'T sick, who cares if they get intoxicated, harm nobody and purchase extra bags of Combos?

Sheesh.

Oh, that's right, liberalism needs to ditch the likes of Howard Dean and come more toward the middle, uh-huh...

Speaking of questionably useful political tags, I'm especially confused over this week's Supreme Court decision on "public use."

Oh, it's too complicated to get into here. Let's just say it gives governments more leeway to force property owners into selling land for "public" purposes. The case in question concerned a Connecticut town's decision to allow a private condo firm buy and bulldoze the homes of some lower-tax-paying homeowners against the latter's wishes.

It gets even more confusing when you delve into the issues--especially the fact that it's also being framed as a "liberal/conservative" thing.

In fact, some legal experts are referring to the decision as a "liberal triumph."

Like Kodak, we need to knock off the black-and-white...

Something about that last simile seems rapper-like, don't you think?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/26/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Jacob and His Neo-Auntie

So I've been divorced now, actual legal documentation date aside and for all practical purposes, for a year. And I've moved on, rebounded, recovered--take your pick of cliches. I don't doubt now that it was for the best and am actually much happier. Remaining relations are remarkably civil, too.

Nonetheless, every now and then something's lobbed at me out of nowhere, one of those auxiliary fall-outs you don't think about ahead of time, and I'm a bit flustered.

Ah, the tangled web that is weaved and set ablaze with a marriage's end!

Ahem.

Yikes. Be on the lookout for sap.

Anyway, the other day I was visiting family and playing with my five-year-old nephew Jacob. He opened one of my mother's cabinets, which contained items that no longer saw countertop display. He pulled out a framed photo of my ex and I together.

He asked a few questions about "Auntie Rhonda." And I didn't correct his now-incorrect use of title.

Now, my sister has explained the situation to him in some manner balancing the need to introduce children to reality with a five-year-old's grasp of adult relationships. And Jacob hadn't mentioned anything to me about the situation since soon after love's guillotine came down--it was the photo that brought it to mind.

He said, "Uncle John, I know Auntie Rhonda doesn't live with you anymore." And added, "Why?"

I mustered a quick non-answer and successfully diverted his attention to something else.

Some things are easy to explain to a five-year-old. Like the Tax Code.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/26/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

Mike is off on a flag-burning bender, just in case that damn amendment actually passes. He will return next week.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/26/2005:

>hey john, i just started doin my restaurant thingy again with the radio guys.

>this time i am just goin in once a week and recording them and they will use it

>randomly. i am telling you this cause they are looking for other stuff to do that

>with also. i think your limericks would be perfect for what they're lookin for.

>no pay. if interested let me know and i'll put you in touch with those guys.

>

>MONTE

Limericks? On the radio?

Well, I must point out that Mr. Half-Monte (he's sick of the obvious play on words) is referring to Internet radio, but this does harken back to radio's Golden Age, when there was a commitment to quality AND profit, unlike today. Then again, considering the repressed attitudes at the time, limericks on radio would've been unlikely.

Kinda LIKE today.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2005:

With its playoff ratings quite sad

NBA thinks, "Uniform ads?"

Like the NHL

implies "go to hell!"

and further kicks fans in the nads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Ahh! The miracles seen in everyday life, if we only pay attention!

The other day, I saw three, scantily-for-summer clad young women walking down the sidewalk. Carefree, talkative and hot.

Not one was on a cell phone.

Stop and smell the flowers now and then, lest a raven fly up your nose.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/27/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Japanese Dentist Haiku

New dental product

Designed for sushi lovers

Wasabi toothpaste

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2005:

So Rumfield (and ain't this exciting)

says 12 more years of Iraq fighting.

The words of the guy

prove, without the lies,

no one would've found war inviting.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

...Continuing onward with "coverage" of today's Limerick peg:

How long was the Vietnam War? Anyone?

Oh, I know. I know. I'm just comparing apples and...er, well, apples and Granny Smith apples...

Here's a headline from Sunday's paper about a musical act--so take note, any music writers/critics out there, because I'm sick of making this point:

"Redwalls Manage to Evoke Spirit of Early Beatles"

Oh, they sure have, those Red..., um, er... Redwalls, that's it. On the tip of everyone's tongue, those Redwhatchamajiggers. Yup. Sure taken the country by, um, drizzle...

For those of you who have never owned a condo, and thus never dealt with a condominium association, here's a little clue from an association meeting I just attended as to what you might expect:

A term was bandied about. "Non-conforming windows."

Long live the rebel screens!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2005:

As festivals hit city streets

folks rush out to buy local treats

for sale everyday

but can overpay

while drunk louts spill beer on your feet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2005:

Remember, inside every June Bride is a January Divorcee waiting to emerge!... Just kidding. We're still only cynical in a lovable way. And, oh, the site's fully functional, if a bit early-'90s-lookin', and it has been mentioned multiple times in the Chicago Sun-Times! So flash us as the bandwagon goes by before mounting!...

Tuesday headline component:

"Crude Oil Settles at New High."

Get REAL used to some form of that one, folks...

Was reading lately about the push to bring wireless Internet access, or wi-fi, to big cities.

It ain't exactly proceeding at lightning speed. With a few exceptions.

Anyhoo, I read that one of the reasons is because phone companies are bogartin' their lines. Keepin' 'em old school is actually more profitable than bringing on the latest stuff. And competition isn't much of an issue for the major barons.

Deregulation and all.

Pure, unadulterated free market. Takes care of everything...

Hey, I ain't no commie pinko or nothing, but, c'mon...

So the "American Idol" heehaw who claimed all the boinkin' o' Paula Abdul got in a public food fight with his manager or whatever recently.

Wow. Even "bad boy" are cartoonishly cheapened by the dark magic of karaoke...

A local (Chicago) theater is mounting a version of Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew" set in an 1890's Colorado mining town.

So's that we all can relate to it in the here and now, or something, I think... Huh?...

Due to a bizarre confluence of factors involving channel changing between two morning TV shows, I overheard this morning what at first appeared for all intents and purposes to be... Howard Stern on "Sesame Street."

Which would be interesting, indeed...

Speaking of which, and related to little, a, um, er, well... A goddamned porn I was a'viewin' recently had an interesting, cheezy soundtrack.

But something about a portion of it, a recurring theme, was vaguely familiar.

Eventually, it hit me: "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

Good golly.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/29/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Food of the Gods

Ahh, children! Their uncorrupted minds and bodies know what's good and, from them, we are often reminded of things we've lost along the way. Children, while noting the difference upon first encounter, are unconcerned about race. They do not worry, instead focusing upon finding amusement in the moment.

And children, you know, go straight for the good stuff, unbiased by life's hard knocks, unbitten by the worm of bitterness.

My three-year-old nephew, Liam, appears to have taken an intense liking to bacon. He mooches it off you. More than he mooches off anything else.

Bacon is the finest food nature and the gods have given us. A wondrous gift.

Enjoy bacon in everything you do.

Unless, of course, you have some religious thing going on.

Which is just fine.

More for me. And Liam.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2005:

Porn stars at strip clubs seem to me

a waste of a good chance to see

nude chick, rather hot

you'd otherwise not--

and not one boinked on DVD!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2005:

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' is on vacation--but that doesn't mean you won't see a new edition each and every day, no sir (but yes, ma'am!). It might be a little cheezier than normal, in case you didn't think that possible, but... I'm not sure why I'm even tellin' you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! Oh, I'll be in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, ya hey, and around those parts; thanks for askin'...

Since I crafted a new standing head (normally changed monthly) just for my lil' vacation... I think I've done enough for today's edition. I'm on the road mostly today, anyway, so take the opportunity to do some off-kilter ponderin' yourself.

 

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