Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2005:

Strange "re-claiming" deal, with a hitch:

Some chicks proudly call themselves "bitch."

Fright'ning, but helps sizing-

up--true advertising--

when to go elsewhere to scratch itch.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2005:

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

For more than five years, every single freakin' day now, Daily (Goddamned) Limerick...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

It would be Rossini's birthday today, if it were February 29 this year, so do something--I don't know, simply imagine a celebration like, oh, going to a barber in Seville, perhaps?...

So the much ballyhooed new "exhibit" by that "artist" Christo in New York and... What the hell? Let's call him "Christo" while we're at it... Anyway... Well, I guess tourists are taking photos of his work and lawyers and such are cracking down.

Can you believe the nerve of people? Taking pictures of his "art"--a bunch of freakin' cloths hanging all over the place? And what defense can these shutterbugs have? Touristy shots?

Please. We're talking about such out-of-the-way places as CENTRAL FUCKING PARK...

Now the above nugget addresses a conservative brand of nutjobism but, lest we forget that nutjobs come in many varieties, remember that it's "liberal," aka Democratic mayor Michael Bloomberg backing this photo crackdown, and if he's "liberal," well... I'm not goin' there now and I don't know why I'm so damn riled-up today, but I'm like the Fightin' Irish mascot, all rarin' for fisticuffs, 'cept I'm not a hair Irish, and isn't a German-descended leprechaun (with a few tablespoons o' Polish and Russian) a frightening thing and... and... Ahem.

Now what was I talking about?...

Oh, so anyway, lest you think nutjobism is partisan, let me address the sentiment expressed in a letter to the editor I perused today, in which some clod, punch-drunk on liberalism, blames Bush's attitude for turning Iran hostile to the U.S. and wanting of things nuclear.

That was just jovial prankishness, evidently, that hostage-taking incident with the U.S. Embasssy, by those nutty MULLAHS WHO ARE STILL IN FUCKING POWER...

Whew! Perhaps I need a cup of tea. I don't know. Actually, just a teabag'll do...

Now here's a newsworthy subject truly displaying our Moron Majority, with both sides reeking of buffoonery, only each in their own distinctive scents (kinda like Trump and Paris Hilton's colognes--not necessarily the scent of themselves, but the un-wash-off-able stench of shitheadedness of those BUYING them):

Social Security.

Of COURSE Bush's stock market version of a roulette table "solution" is, well... If possible solutions are artists, his is Christo.

But I saw a photo of some guy protesting Bush (oh, and all of THAT's doing a lot of good, in this age where EVEN OUR PROTESTS ARE DISNEY-FIED) and he was carrying a sign that read "It Ain't Broke," of course in reference to the adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Again. Bush, lumphead. But... IT AIN'T BROKE? I've been told all my life to not expect social security when (/if) I retire, seniors are re-entering the workplace in record numbers--and, trust me on this, they're not standing there trying to keep a smile for near-minimum wage AS FREAKIN' WAL-MART GREETERS as part of a dream retirement and, there generally being at least some truth in jest, all the jokes about old people EATING CAT FOOD and... and...

When Caller ID came out, I happened to be working retail at some cell phone/pager/phone/etc. emporium, of sorts.

I was a hideous failure on that career path. Of course, the vodka didn't help matters, but I would've been hideous, nonetheless.

People would come in and ask about this newfangled Caller ID. We'd explain the concept to them: "Somebody calls and you can see who's calling BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT!"

To which they'd reply: "Well, my answering machine basically does that, too."

To which you'd reply, oh, I don't know, "Yeah, but this way you can do it with the added privilege OF PAYING THE EVIL PHONE COMPANY EVEN MORE MONEY, whereas a simple answering machine, once you own it, is free to use, with the exception of the biannually necessary mini-cassette purchase."

Perhaps that's part of the reason my sales career didn't take off. But, anyway, really... Ahem.

But the general population has such a high level of moronity that, once the slimeball phone companies launched a marketing campaign, everybody bought 'em, and now many assume that everybody else has 'em, so they call but don't leave messages (thinking that's "good enough"), and a guy like me is stuck occasionally hittin' the damn "*69" when awaiting something important, payin' damn good money for that "privilege" to, once again, the damn phone company and... and...

I'm goin' out to get a punching bag.

Or a teabag.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2005:

Race-baiters will claim Jamie Foxx

won Oscar to fit P.C. box.

But stupid Awards?

Mere pomp, nothing more

than sales contests, so lose the "shock."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

So among all the suddenly hip confessors to past steroid use we find Governor Schwarzeneger (and, by the way, typing those last two words together still deeply disturbs me).

Arnold says, however, that he does not regret this experimentation. Why? Because, at the time, they were legal.

All of which finally led me to see Arnold as a true politician while at the same time providing an apt explanation for the War on Drugs and FDA procedures all at once.

For what's he's really saying is this:

It's not about the science (actual effects) or ethics (is the gain-to-risk ratio acceptable?) as it is about blindly following the government's arbitrary labeling of drugs as "good" or "bad"...

A Chicago Sun-Times columnist, Debra Pickett, wrote recently about her heapin' e-pile of "e-mail newsletters" and how she occasionally reads through some of them, labeling them, in general, radically conservative.

I couldn't help thinking she was also labeling Daily Limerick as such, considering she's a subscriber to the e-mail version. (Yes, there is an e-mail version. I keep quiet about it--simply doing the site is much easier than dealing with addresses and returned e-mail when people change addresses and all that crap--but I don't "cover up" the fact, either.) There was no direct or indirect reference to DL, so I can only postulate.

In other events, a cousin of mine has labeled Daily Limerick liberal recently.

Taking these two things together, I am reassured in my belief that I must be doing something right...

(If that last one doesn't make sense to you, you might have to comb through other sections of the site, as you're not quite even to Slapper Yapper Grasshopper level yet.)

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/2/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pretzels and Eggs

First off, I do realize that this is at least the second time this fairly new section has focused on pretzel-related matters, but am fighting off the urge to re-name it "Pretzlin' and Picklin'."

(The jig's up, apparently, concerning the Chief Limericist's predominant late-night snacking habits.)

The other night, I fried some eggs for dinner. Sunnyside up, I believe, although I prefer over-easy, which I usually screw up, and I realize this is irrelevant, so back to the story:

I realized that I had neglected to make toast, when the eggs were almost finished. I also realized that I hadn't much bread left for the toasting.

So I popped one of those frozen, large and soft pretzels into the microwave and mopped up the yolk with that.

A delight.

Or at least better than having no bread product at all with fried eggs...

And, by the way, when the rave reviews start coming in for your dinner parties, I don't mind at all if you give some credit to this section, a veritable e-gourmet course in its own right.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2005:

Bush's European Vacation

has, true, brought love back between nations.

But still, on Iraq

leaders like Chirac

will just watch us in masturbation.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

GOP members of Congress are now discussing applying the same standards of "indecency" to CABLE TV that they are to regular ol' network TV.

Will somebody at some point--hint hint, Democrats, as the alleged "alternative"--perhaps be so kind as to ask, should it not be too much, that these standards be FREAKIN' SPELLED OUT?

What the hell good is it even having an ACLU?...

Oh, that's right. They're busy with the pressing matter of people displaying the Ten Commandments on public property.

Not that I don't agree with that initiative, in general, but... Let's see. We've got this offensive testament to Christian whack-jobism bothering a small segment of a local population on one hand and then a crack-down on what the entire nation can watch on TV on the other.

I'm leaning more toward thinking that the ACLU is a bunch of suck-ass posers.

But I digress. I'm in a digressin' mood, lately.

Anyhow, some survey recently found that those with only a high school education are more likely to approve of a display of, say, the Ten Commandments on public property.

Not, of course, that you need a college education to be intelligent. And there are all the Kerry/Gore-like ninnies who appear to de-endorse the idea of being educated, on the other side of things.

But, nonetheless, it's nice to see our country, in the year 2005, being ruled by philosophies and theories progressively in less-educated directions, isn't it?...

Some Tennessee wahoo who was arrested for breaking into a swimming pool complex, stealing refreshments and then getting naked and covering himself in nacho cheese has avoided jail, instead getting heavy probation and such.

Right around the time I happened upon that gem in the paper, I read of a guy getting tasered at a Chucky Cheese for illicit use of the salad bar.

Cheese in any form just has a way of affecting some people, evidently...

As does Deep Purple.

I listened to some DP the other day and ended up using the phrase "smokin' hot" in real life.

Guess I just have an 8-track mind...

I set a record for carrying groceries on a bus today.

Which might not excite you.

But I also saw a guy with an actual boombox on the same bus. Which should excite you.

Not in that way, ya' sick bastards but, oh, forget it...

I have an update for you.

I waxed nostalgic in Sunday Story Time recently for the heavily used '73 Dodge Dart I drove in high school and mentioned that my six-year-old nephew thought the vehicle was cool, as he ended up with a photo of me by the beast and he carried it everywhere with him for a while.

Today, he tells me on the phone that it was a "silly car."

Sigh.

Childhood innocence has a way of fading. The youthful dreams of talking butterflies, chocolate syrup rivers, unicorns, '73 Dodge Darts...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2005:

Research shows pot combats Alzheimer's

so Bush's PR overtimers

are hard on the case--

their gig's a great place

for a fiction writing free primer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

So, you may be wondering, what could possibly be the next installment in TV's hottest franchise?

I'm guessing "CSI: Notary Public"...

By the way, recently, my attorney left his notary public stamp behind at my place... I felt I should do SOMETHING with this accidental power I'd been given but...had no idea exactly what.

I though of notarizing a poem. Or my nuts.

Oh well. FYI, as they say. Feel free to drop that one into cocktail conversations and such.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/4/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Stewed Tomatoes

Stewed Tomatoes rock.

See Daily Limerick's Glantamerous Links for their site.

It's been a while since I saw 'em, so their stuff isn't fresh in my mind.

They're rockin' lesbians, though. And they were the type of lesbians who seemed to like me (which is not always the case, in Saphic situations).

They covered Kiss' "Doctor Love." And it was a real rockin' cover, too, no folksy-schmolksy, Birkenstock-wearin' cover.

So, before I get myself in trouble here...I think that's all you should need to know.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2005:

A girlie I'd like to dickin's

is good--finger, or 'haps toe-lickin'.

'Cause, damn it, infernal!

I'd be like the colonel:

More legs than a bucket o' chicken!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

If DL/S&Y had an award, it would go to... What the hell! DL/SUY now has an award!

And the first one goes to:

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman! For refusing to back down under P.C. pressure to recant his assertion to schoolchildren that one of his hobbies is "drinking gin." (Something, I'm sure, kids would NEVER see at home.)

Not only that, but Goodman regularly has "Martinis with the Mayor" events.

Think Goodman'll show up here in the, er, DL "Offices" to accept the award?

Do you really think so?

Well, what the hell! The Second DL/SUY Award goes to:

Jennifer Love Hewitt!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2005:

Martha's prison tale has strange capper--

career doesn't head toward the crapper

but instead sees boost

of extra Go Juice

as if she were some sort of rapper.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

The City of Atlanta has installed TVs on its public buses.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you of an age when people often had to go seconds--minutes and even (gasp) hours--without being "entertained"!...

Do we really need posters hanging in our public libraries bearing the likes of David Bowie and Sting?

These are supposed to show that libraries are "cool," right? Well, I'm hoping these photos showed up elsewhere, as well, because it's kinda preachin' to the choir to have 'em hanging in the libraries.

And Bowie, Sting, etc.--they did the posters as a public service, right? I'm not tryin' to Go Limbaugh on ya' or somethin', demanding investigation into the library system, but I went to one this weekend, which I haven't done in years, thanks to the Internet, and it didn't have the book I really needed, so's long as I'm payin' for it, as a citizen, I'm hopin' I didn't pay for those goofy-ass posters is all...

What we need is a newspaper delivery system similar to that of the postal system, whereas one needs some sort of key for access.

I envisioned it. Now somebody do it.

Why, I'm certainly becoming a Renaissance Man, aren't I?

I do declare!

Huh?

Well, at least a Renaissance Idiot...

Label I just noticed on one of my chairs:

"This Chair Intended for Residential Use Only."

Damn! And I like nothin' better than goin' out on the weekends, carrying my chair about and usin' it all commercially and such...

If all these people truly love "long walks by the lake/ocean/etc.," wouldn't you have to reserve space to walk there?...

And now a...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT 3/6/2005:

Won't you please help a humorist in need?

Many times a humorist dwells in a self-deprecating variety of humor. It assuages a crowd (the show of self-humility), it allows you more cred to dump on others, blah blah blah.

But when a comic self-deprecates for many years, all for your enjoyment, he or she often self-deprecates themselves to such a level that they become, well, deprecated in reality. Beyond the stage.

And it's all your fault. Bastards. Oh sure, laugh at the silly comic when it strikes your fancy, but ignore his/her descent into a maelstrom of self-deprecating, not gettin' any respect-ed-ness.

So, next time you see a self-deprecated comic, show some compassion. Give money or perhaps love (see humorist in question for full details; no purchase necessary).

Have a heart; un-deprecate a comic today!...

***

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN', ALREADY IN PROGRESS 3/6/2005:

...in the end, it wasn't the baby oil she minded so much; it was really the rhinestones...

Sunday is a day for the S&Y Psychiatric Couch.

Oh, yeah, we're avoidin' it, but we're more properly avoiding misuse and/or abuse of the, er, powerful medium.

So, anyway, I've been blessed with this aura preventing exes from re-entering my orbit o' existence.

Well, my ex-wife is still here and there, I suppose. But that's damn recent.

I never see exes otherwise. And I mean never. They leave my life and... I don't know. Perhaps they flee the country.

So... Just thought I'd fill you in on that. Cynics probably view it as a "Nya-Nya-Nya-Nya, I got it, you don't!" kinda assertion. But I'll remind you that cynics are assloafs...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/6/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Citrus-Scented God?

I'm not sure what I was thinkin'.

When I recall (allegedly) amusing tales from my past, I'll jot them down in my Notebook o' Fun 'n' Ideas and oft type a brief notation into the Daily Limerick text ahead of time. So, when it comes time to pen the Sunday edition, I'll be faced with something like... Using today's as an example: "God's on a lemon."

This reminds me of the tale for Sunday Story Time. And in this case, I don't know what I was thinkin'.

Story: I was hangin'/cuddlin' around with an ex one time, she tickled me, I told her to stop, she continued--you know the spiel; it's all very cutesy and all, I know--and I cried out, "God's on a lemon!"

Not sure why I called that out in particular.

Not sure why I thought this tidbit would be amusing, as this tale goes full circle back to its opening paragraph; later, rinse, repeat reading...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/6/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: They'll see this note

I've been watching other

People's happiness

For a long time.

Tell me if I'm wrong,

Tell me if my microscope needs

Adjusting.

But it has something to

Do with a sense of

Belonging.

You know how it is, or

Maybe you don't. I

Won't hate you for it.

Couples holding hands, hell,

Even one night stands. I pass

Their houses on the sidewalk.

I walk down roads filled with

People,

Going on about their lives.

I sometimes want to

Walk with them, find out

Why and where they're headed.

They seem filled with

A powerful glow.

Plenty of stories I'm sure I don't know.

What's their secret. I can

Never tell. How did they find

Their way to now?

Maybe I'm simplifying my

Observations.

Maybe they aren't so centered.

Or maybe it's me.

Maybe they're coming right through the door

To meet me just as I'm leaving.

They'll see this note

I didn't mean to leave

Back at the party.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2005:

Today, off to have done my taxes

and pray that my return's the max-es.

The tax lady's role,

with lawyers and pols,

to me forms my very own Axis.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, in musing about a current case before the Court examining the right (or lack thereof) of governments to place monuments displaying the Ten Commandments on public property, mentions that many other religions, including Islam, honor the TC.

Which would be a commendable display of knowledge. Were it actually true.

As long as the Great Dumbing Down is hitting the Highest Pinnacle of Legal Wisdom in the Land, why don't we just fill the Court's next opening with a "reality" show and hasten the inevitable...

In writing something about the Palestinian Territories earlier today, I accidentally typed, "Palestinian Terrortories."

This isn't the first time something like this has happened.

If I weren't such a skeptic, I'd be dubbing myself a "Psychic Mis-Typer" right about now...

Here's a terribly sad little story about an event that happened to me the other night.

My intent isn't to upset you, for I do believe that a valuable lesson is related by my tear-jerking tale:

I was hungry after a night out with a friend of mine, so I headed into the grocery store by my home afterward and went straight for the snack aisle.

I noticed that Little Debbie snacks bring much quantity, and a whole lot of quality, for little money. I don't know why it took me this long to notice, but Little Debbie is one helluva snackin' bargain.

Anyway, I bought a package of honey buns. One could say that I went home with a real honey buns that night.

But I eyed the banana nut loaves good and long. (LD calls some of its lil' cakes "loaves"--which technically is true, as they are miniature loaves, I suppose--and I find that amusing.)

I'm not saying that I made the wrong choice at the checkout, but I will say that I wanted the honey buns and banana nut loaves at least equally, for I questioned my choice immediately upon leaving the store. And I fantasized about the banana nut loaves even as I tasted the sweet nectar of my honey buns at home.

The next night, I headed back to the same grocery store, ready, willing and able to capture my longed-for banana nut loaves and... They were gone. The section was re-organized, offering many new types of Debbie, but there were NO BANANA NUT LOAVES.

Why, oh why did I forsake the banana nut loaves when they first entered my life!

I tried another grocery store the next day.

To no avail.

It just goes to show ya'. When you first encounter the Banana Nut Loaves of Life, seize them; for they may not be there for the seizin' tomorrow.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2005:

He's guilty as sin, so they oughter

send Jacko to the legal slaughter.

Or to save tax dollars

give firemen a holler

(he looks like he'd melt, hit with water).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Zack Sinclair was convicted of felony stalking Friday.

His victim? Mel Gibson. The reason? After seeing "The Passion of the Christ," he wanted to pray with Mel.

Considering we can merely speculate on all the crime unleashed by Janet Jackson's nip, and that this is actual evidence--and not the first--of real crime spurred by "The Passion," and that the FCC is all hot-'n'-bothered over content lately... When's the crack-down on the Jesus stuff comin', guys?...

March is Women's History Month.

I think. It's hard to maintain proper awareness of all these Special Months designed to increase awareness.

So, if it's not Women's History Month after all, and is instead "Left-Handed Eskimo Lesbian Awareness Month," then consider this nugget my commemoration of WHM ahead of the fact. Or after the fact. Or whatever:

Men are at least partly to blame for women not liking sex more.

Oh, I can just imagine the thoughts in your head: Women DO like sex, etc., etc., blah blah blah. And I'll of course agree. Sometimes. But let's not go there.

Point being: There's no way in hell anyone can legitimately argue that, in general, on average, what-have-you, men like sex a helluva lot more than women.

However, I am outright shocked by the tales I've heard, and not only the tales themselves but of the preponderance of tales in the genre, of men who won't go down on a woman, are still under the junior-high assumption that sex is some sporting event with the outcome rated on "pumps-per-second," avoid foreplay... Frighteningly, the list of topics could go on and on.

So thanks, asshole guys out there for helping to dampen chicks' sex drives. Just because you schmoes, being assholes, have no problems gettin' laid... Oh, sorry, that wasn't the point of this nugget.

Happy Women's History Month (whenever it is)...

Speaking of advancing the cause of women, as we're now making increasingly noble efforts at encouraging women to avoid and/or leave physically abusive men, I need to sound the alarm about a different less than savory type of guy I've been seein' far too many beautiful women falling for lately:

Guys who ain't me.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2005:

As Spring is all set to go "Sproing!"

from both coasts, on in to Des Moines-g

news comes of some ho-ing

by Fat Cat at Boeing

which, now, perhaps, should be dubbed "Boing."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Michael Tuohey, formerly a screener for U.S. Airways, now comes forth and mentions that, when he first looked over Mohamed Atta and another 9-11 hijacker, he thought to himself, of Atta, "If this guy doesn't look like an Arab terrorist, then nothing does."

But he let 'em board anyway. Thinking, "In this day and age, it's not nice to say things like this."

And then... Well.

This may actually be the first documented case of actual death(s) cause by it.

So can we finally treat the scourge of political correctness with the seriousness it deserves?...

A blog called Fishbowl D.C. was the first blog to have one of its writers allowed access to the White House Press Booth.

I should look into this. Somebody recommend me. DL + the White House Press Booth = fun fun fun! Right?

I ain't doin' nothin' with gay porn though, if that's a prerequisite for the privilege now...

Read today that facial stubble is suddenly "hip," according to the Powers that Annoy.

Which sucks.

See, I'll admit that I started with my near-constant stubbly look because of a singer in a band back when I was in high school. (Not because of Don Johnson; I didn't even "Miami Vice.")

But I've continued for a number of reasons. Class?

Laziness? Yeah, sure... Because I look like I'm about 12-years-old when completely clean shaven?... Uh-huh, that's another... Because of the fact that, due to my skin type and putzy dexterity, I tend to lodge at least a couple cuts in my face every time I shave? Oh, yeah.

But now people will think I'm doing it because I'm "bein' hip."

Ass bastards...

Went to see my tax accountant Monday, which I prioritized to do a little early thinking I could use the refund sooner than later.

Discovered I owe the Feds money.

Despite a lot of write-offs, multiple freelance gigs didn't take taxes out of my checks and there's also a little thing known as the "self-employment tax."

More on this after Part Two of this nugget...

I've read multiple stories in recent weeks about how corporations are handling "blogs" (and I can't say this enough: I'm ashamed in many ways to be a part of the Blog Community at the same time I'm proud).

It seems the Internet and the relative ease of publishing a blog are causing an extremely negative situation for companies: Individuals are suddenly able to easily and freely express themselves; gotta crack down on that...

This nugget actually has a Part Three: Put the above two together and ponder a bit.

Despite living in a country where we allegedly value the concept of free expression for all that a trend like blogging could help bring--more instances of wrong-doing being pointed out, etc., and thus a society constantly growing "better" quicker and quicker all the time--corporations, which help allow workers to put food on the table, pay rent, etc., have plenty of leeway in cracking down on that right. (Blogs aside, how would YOUR job view a photo of you in the paper at a pro-marijuana legalization rally?)

This less-than-ideal situation was not addressed in the Constitution, yet it was not totally unforeseen either. The writings of Thomas Jefferson, for instance, contemplated the risks of all-encompassing employer power on a "free" populace.

But with all the wacky "amendments" proposed by our politicians over the years, all the posturing about Founding Fathers' intent, you hear more or less nothing about these issues.

There's pathetically little in the way of a health care reform movement underway--and even what is curiously circumvents the issue as it relates to the self-employed. The self-employed are blatantly slapped with an extra tax and, why, one could almost postulate that those in power really prefer us all working for corporations.

Government can't censor. But corporations can.

Hmmm...

If I may wax Lovecraftian, I can't help but sometimes theorize that most conspiracy theorists are too lazy to think things through to logical conclusions, and thus truly poser-ass optimists...

As the S&Y Psychiatric Couch sits, still fumigating, in a secret, out-of-the-way warehouse, I am faced with a concept that never previously occurred to me:

The dangers of the Limerick Couch.

Hell, I never looked at the actual Daily Limerick as capable of supporting a couch.

But I do believe that a recent Limerick--based ridiculously vaguely, and indirectly even, on my personal reality--may have caused trouble.

Make that Trouble. Or perhaps... It's too bad, at times like this, that we don't have a middle-case, in addition to the upper and lower.

But, again, trouble.

We'll leave it at that.

Lest I end up with a 64-point, bold, uppercase "T."

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/9/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Spice Up That Frozen Pizza

If the headline itself isn't self-explanatory (and is there better readin' than exposition after a headline that says it all, or at least most of it?)... Take a frozen pizza. Choose from among these spices, or add others you like on pizza: oregano, rosemary, garlic (powder, minced, whatever), thyme, basil and salt. Sprinkle all those on the frozen pizza as the oven's pre-heatin'. Cook it and enjoy more than usual!

And you should ALWAYS have those above-named spices on hand. Always. You can just about spice any dish properly with those staples.

Frozen pizzas can be delightful. But among all the things they sometimes skimp on, few think outright of spices.

And they often skimp on spices.

So Spice Up That Frozen Pizza!

Are there any fans of the Wednesday "Eat It" Section out there? Any...non-fans? Anybody? Anybody at all have an opinion?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/9/2005:

Throwing in his one and a half cents on yesterday's touching parable of Life and Little Debbie snack cakes:

> Honey buns? Banana nut loaves? That was vaguely homoerotic.

>

> .m. of the accursed

Oh. Take a touching, tender allegory--very Aesop-like, if I must say so myself, and I certainly must--and turn it into something filthy.

Not that there's anything wrong with such filth.

And, by the way, both sexes have buns, in case you haven't noticed.

I see your point, nonetheless, with the banana and the nuts. But you're still a sicko.

Although perhaps I'm the sicko. How can I expect to pen a literary tale to be treasured by future generations with such ambiguities? Why couldn't I follow a philosophy of innocence like that behind...say, "Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub"?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2005:

Supreme Court's now hearing the fight:

Ten Commandments on public sites?

In Bush Age, the trend?

They replace the Ten

that once was called our "Bill of Rights."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

To commemorate what may or may not be Women's History Month, do my part in combating ageism and commemorate Sharon Stone's 47th birthday, let me just announce:

I'd most certainly do Sharon Stone (don't dare say DL/S&Y doesn't have a heart)...

Oh, and speaking of mass confusion over what we're supposed to be gaining "awareness" of each month, I read today that this is "Mixed Race Month."

Is there any sort of authority on these named months? Any system? If not, I'm gonna get in on this pretty soon; I have awareness issues of my own...

Aw, what the hell: March is Get Sharon Stone to Do Sloop Month!...

Russell Crowe claims that terrorists are plotting to kidnap him.

I suppose there's a lot of pressure among the Terror Community for the follow-up attack. I mean, after taking out the freakin' World Trade Center AND part of the Pentagon in one fell swoop, how do terrorists meet the expectations they've set-up for themselves?

Aha! What better way than kidnapping one Australian actor of dubiously beloved stature--and one, come to think of it, who hasn't been too heavy on the public radar as of late?...

Speaking of terror, I don't know about your city, but here in Chicago, some street musicians have taken to dropping the "musician" thing and singing along with recorded music.

Karaoke.

Uninvited karaoke.

Which, as far as I'm concerned, is redundant.

And, yes, despite the professional trappings, that includes "American Idol"...

A man in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico was hit by a car, charged with "crossing the street with disregard for safety" (as paraphrased and possibly poorly translated) and fined for damages caused the vehicle.

Hmm.

Now, I'd need to know more details to register an opinion on this individual case, but, especially seein' all the cell-phone-addled pedestrians in the city, I kinda like the general idea.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2005:

Congress will hold court on steroids

to fill gaping "things to do" void.

Why fritter the time

on deficit's climb

or those under- and unemployed?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Malaysia has mounted a campaign to get children watching more TV.

Which seems odd until you learn that the initiative focuses on English-language TV, as a way of getting the populace to learn English better.

Yet it STILL seems odd.

Malaysia is either the most populous predominantly Islamic nation in the world or the second most (it's either that or Indonesia). And, surprise surprise, they've had some problems with terrorist mindsets.

So, considering the true root causes of terrorism... English-language TV?

Is it really such a good idea to foment EVEN MORE ignorance?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/11/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Hurtin' Elvis

Yeah, sure--being an Elvis fan has become cliche in many ways.

But there are myriad means to becoming an Elvis fan. Numerous mini-fandoms exist within the Presley Pantheon.

Regardless of your thoughts on The King, I urge you to give The Hurtin' Elvis a chance.

Oh, he had great sad songs throughout his career, but when he was young, mentally healthy and bangin' every other chick in existence, the hurt wasn't quite real enough.

Start with the fat Elvis. 'Cilla'd left him, he had to look at his fat self in the mirror, the drugs were takin' a toll. THAT'S the real Hurtin' Elvis.

Of course, he didn't record as much, at least in studio, for the Fat Period. So check out live stuff. Start with "Aloha From Hawaii."

The hurt is oh so real. And if it gets to be too much, you can look at Elvis on the CD cover or wherever to get a mild chuckle.

Oh, and one more thing: Hurtin' Elvis goes best with a plate of bacon.

A heapin' plate of bacon.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2005:

Hosting shows, find muse in the lurch.

But "host groupies"? It's fruitless search.

So new love poem, then:

"The Drummer's Girlfriend

I'd Sure Love to Bone Like a Perch."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Didn't I mention earlier this week that the actual Daily Limerick can whip out a Psychiatric Couch just as well as its S&Y counterpart?

(Note to irregular readers: The "Psychiatric Couch" refers to those instances where we throw a bit of personal reality into the humor, or at least the "humor," herein. We try not to do it too much, so as not to be confused with your run-of-the-mill blog and also, in more recent developments, we were starting to run into real-life Trouble from DL/S&Y Life ponderings.)

Anyway, today's limerick is, indeed, a true story. Although now I have the good sense to wait a few weeks past the event to muse upon it so, so it's a little harder for real folks involved to figure it out.

See, I've been hosting athese shows with all these kick-ass bands, who all get groupies. And hosts don't tend to get groupies. And occasionally a musician's groupie gets a bit flirty with me. Which is dirty and low-down and no good, of course, but not necessarily in a bad way.

(Sigh.)

Well, that's good enough for an Extra Cheezy Saturday edition, isn't it?

(Note to irregular readers: Just like the Big Boy newspapers, DL puts out a paltry Saturday edition.)

(Note to irregular readers: Read regularly. Cumberpumps.)

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2005:

Those Leb'nese protests of the sort

pro-freedom soon saw a retort

from ol' Hezbollah

so hope we once saw's

now a movement of diff'rent sort.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Kofi Annan, head of the United Nations, is pushing to pass an international law making the killing of civilians illegal and officially "Terrorism."

What's more, he's calling on the World Community to speak out against terrorism. And, oh, not only to speak out against it, but to do so "loud and clear."

The likes of bin Laden, of course, wouldn't do anything that was officially declared "illegal," would they?

Anyway, have a ball killin' civilians in your spare time while it's still legal!...

(By the way, there's no law that says if you deem the Iraq War a mistake you must also believe the United Nations to be respectable in its current state; you can view each issue separately and form your own arrangement, rather than buying the pre-arranged bouquets offered by wide-eyed partisans...)

Many universities now offer a basic fitness course to freshmen.

Now, somebody give me a professorship and I'll teach the class, despite the obvious intricacies of a topic as involved as "basic fitness."

Line me up at the Tenure Buffet, friends, and get ready for the course:

Eat less and eat more nutritious things. Exercise.

Test tomorrow.

That'll be three thousand dollars, please...

(And somebody please assure me that they're not now using the term "freshpeople" in place of the traditional term I used above. Because when it goes that far, somebody's just gotta go to jail over this P.C. thing to set some sort of example...)

Sun-Times music critic Jim DeRogatis brings us another...

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO:

Perhaps it's happened before, but I haven't happened across it, so this is the first time I've seen it in print (written by another)--a claim I made more than 10 years ago (and there's at least proof of it in the 2000 or 2001 DL 'Chives, if you're doubtin' me)--

In the words of JD of the 1980s, "...an argument can be made that the decade was the most godawful in rock history."

Of course, my deeper theory goes further. For if the '80s was the worst decade in rock history, that would make it the worst decade in music history, pretty much. I mean, c'mon, there's much less technical mastery required to be a musician today than in years past--it's not, of course, that many modern musicians don't have technical mastery; it's that there is more opportunity for morons to attain fame and fortune through music; and, if I might add (and I might, as this is my Web site, scrunchpump), that when opportunity knocks, morons are real good at answering.

But Mr. DeRogatis' words are a good sign. You'll all catch up to me, yet...

And then you'll perhaps beat me and leave me in a ditch for dead, or at least snicker at me as you zoon past, but you will catch up to me...

How come I so often see on the giant letterboard outside a neighborhood drug store that there is a sale on "hospital scrubs"?

Is there such demand? What the hell kinda parties are folks throwin' these days anyway?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/13/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Day I Beat Matt Bentz

I wrestled in junior high and high school. I even actually won a medal. But today's tale is about the gym class version of the sport.

The biggest guy in class was the titular Matt Bentz. He was a tough, muscular guy, but his sizes was also supplemented by a hefty belly. He wasn't a super bully, comparatively, but he did let his size status go to his head a bit and was thus not universally liked (although dislikers didn't advertise the fact).

The in-class wrestling matches were run more or less like the intramural variety, although matches ran shorter. (For those not in the know, matches consist of three, timed round much like in boxing, points are awarded for various accomplishments, a win always goes to the "pinner" if one wrestler is pinned for three counts and the real sport is nothing like the "professional" variety on TV.)

Matt threw me around for most of the first round. But he couldn't pin me and I also realized early that I had speed on my side. In the second round, he still threw me around a bit, but he was also starting to slow--endurance was certainly not on his side.

By the third round, I began to maneuver on top of him now and then, although he could still throw me off easily through his sheer weight. The score was tied and I became cognizant of the cheers--the whole gym class was hootin' for me as I became a modern-day, ultra-small-scale David challenging Matt the Goliath.

I was starting to tire myself and, taking Matt down from a standing position, I lost my balance, slipping on his back, as I crashed down on top of him. I slid right off of him and onto the mat. I was able to scramble to my knees before he pounced, but he came down on top of me hard; my elbows were forced to bend, dropping me lower and lower... But I held my position, a frozen push-up with a behemoth of a lout riding my back.

He accidentally shifted and I was able to push a bit further upward, but he shifted right back to a position of efficient leverage. It seemed like the round should be ending soon, but then again, especially by the third round of a match, it almost always felt that way. I pushed...pushed...pushed...and was slowly gaining leeway. I peeled first his hand, then his forearm from around my waist, lifted one knee off the mat.

Adjusting my eyes, finally, to something other than downward at the mat, I saw the crowd of my classmates come into focus between salt-stinging blinks of the eyelids. They were cheering; they knew the match was just about over and, sure enough, the teacher blew his whistle a second or two after I fully stepped out of Matt's feeble bear hug. That match was over.

What I'd just done, coming up out from under Matt, was accomplish an "escape." Which is worth one point.

I won.

The class went wild, of course. You know the spiel. I wasn't carried out on their shoulders, but otherwise it was pretty damn festive. People sitting in a couple of study halls in that wing of the school heard the cheering and became inquisitive about it. Quite a hubbub was caused, all over lil' ol' me.

Ahem.

I think I was compelled to write something on the order of today's edition because, recently, when I ended up playing bouncer at a gig I was only supposed to be hosting, somebody made a crack about me being tough. I guess I don't look like much from the outside. But, well... Did you read the story?

So there. 'Less'n any of you munchplumpers go thinkin' you can duel me for control of Slappin' and Yappin'.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/13/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: One reason outlets aren't sentient

I am a hollow socket that does not want to be filled.

Because you'll suck away my energy -- I know you will.

It'll start slow and soft: subdued light from veiled lamps,

Smoky shadows placing lace on the walls.

But it's not going to stay sweet -- believe me.

The petals on the floor will make insignificant moves,

Checkers on a board playing chess with themselves.

Soon you'll be throwing spotlights in your room.

You'll be drinking up music, smashing it through me,

Tossing books into the heat I radiate.

Sinking ships in their bottles, blowing holes in the mattress.

It's best we never meet; it's best we never know.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2005:

Congressional bill on the table

would render the FCC able

to hit pay TV;

the pols, seems to me

need "oversight" on their own "cable."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Happy Greek Day!

I'm not entirely sure what the holiday is all about, only that I dubbed March 14 Greek Day when I was a shaver.

I was no Greek-o-phile or anything so it's a complete mystery to me.

Go celebrate in some mysterious way...

The front pages of my newspaper yesterday brought word of another deadly shooting rampage.

(Yawn.)

Ho-hum.

It's one thing to be (and go) psycho; quite another to be so freakin' unoriginal about it.

Why not... With a bow and arrows? Pepper spray? A lance?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2005:

Now some say that chivalry's dead

by feminists, to grave's been led.

Yet like days of yore,

hold open that door

(only if you're "cute" in her head).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Florida state Senator Al Lawson proposed a two cent tax on each roll of toilet paper.

He has been, of course, the subject of much ridicule.

Nonetheless, we can never forget that today's ridiculosity often becomes the unblinkingly accepted dogma of tomorrow.

Alright. Okay. I'll admit that was a flimsy peg to wax deep from. But I had to get the vision of a truly off-putting, modern day Boston Tea Party out of my head...

President Bush actually said recently that Iran doesn't need nuclear technology for energy purposes because it has a lot of oil.

Now, I'm no fan of the Iranian regime, and I don't practice an E.U. level of illogic in believing for a nanosecond that "nuclear energy" is its true aim, but, er, has anybody ever told Georgy that, well, um, there's not exactly an unlimited supply of the stuff?...

Okay, so one nutjob in the unexpected March Madness o' Shooting Rampages was "motivated" in part by an audiotape of a religious sermon he'd recently listened to.

I think more people have been murdered by someone high on Jesus in 2005 than have died from marijuana-related activity throughout history.

Which reminds me... Nobody seems to have dropped a jaw, or even loosened a jaw, over Tommy Chong actually having done freakin' time...

Damn. This has certainly devolved into Awkward Seg Tuesday...

Another interesting nugget from the above-mentioned, unoriginal shoot-'em-up loser story comes with this sidebar headline:

"Shooter Was Avid Gardener."

And yet, in all honesty, it would make just as much sense for our seemingly real-problem-lacking Congress to now investigate gardeners as it does focusing on grown men in tight pants enhancing their game-playing by popping and shooting up muscle-growin', nut shrinking 'roids.

And, might I add, hurting nobody but themselves.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2005:

The U.N. calls for a decree:

Terror is 'gainst law, globally.

Though toothless, 's'worth mention

org still gets attention--

a bit like the Brit royalty.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

A newfangled device known as RadioShark does to regular ol' radio what TiVo does for TV.

So, if you just missed a song you like, one of the ten on one of the three or four play-lists from one of the five or six conglomerates controlling radio today, and you can't bear waiting another hour and a half to hear it again, now you can right away, as often as you like...

XM Radio, of the satellite radio genre that's supposed to be saving us from the worse-than-vast wasteland of radio today, has hired Jon Zellner, a former Infinity executive.

Just in case you're cravin' a little deflating of your tires today...

I've been thinking about this Ten Commandments thing before the Supreme Court lately and am now starting to think that it may be okay to display the TCs on public property, at least depending on the context (how prominent is the display compared to other visuals, it's exact location, the function of the building it is in, etc.).

I don't like admitting that.

But I don't like admitting that the KKK has a right to express their views, either, and this is about Free Speech, lest we forget that our absolute last resort is cracking down on its use in any manner whatsoever and so that is to be done only in the most rash of circumstances, shit-for-brains Congress aside...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/16/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: My Roast

I made a pork roast last weekend and it was a delight. In fact, I was almost compelled to make love to it.

Perhaps I made that scrumptious roast to counter the extra toughness I displayed in my wrastlin' story from last Sunday.

Grrr.

In any event, this brings me to today's spectacular, dinner-party-pleasin' nugget:

Roast anything at 350.

Anything.

Some things will roast longer, some will roast for less time. But 350 is your temperature, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Oh, and covering with foil helps lock in tasty juices.

Mmmm. Tasty juices... Ahem.

Foil and 350.

Over and out.

10-4.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2005:

On St. Pat's, to honor a Saint

we drink, toss our cookies, then faint.

But please don't allow

yourself to blow chow

when you're down nibblin' on the t'aint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Happy St. Patrick's Day! And what better way to celebrate than with Limerick! Well, I guess with BEER is a better way, but there's nothing to say you can't do both. And there just so happens to be a Web site with a full archive of limericks and such...

DL instituted an "Extra Cheezy Saturday" edition, a Wednesday "Food" section, a Friday "Entertainment" section, special Sunday features and more--all to be a bit more like the "Big Media" publications.

And have you noticed that most newspapers, perhaps due to coming off a semi-beefy Wednesday edition and preparing for a feature-laden Friday edition, get away with putting out a skimpier, and thus Cheezy, Thursday edition as well?

Have you noticed?

The nerve!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/17/2005:

> hey- it's Penny, and i was looking at your website, and i thought to myself

> (no, not sexy pictures), that i should tell you that there's an error

> http://www.dailylimerick.net/sloopcentral.htm

> it says Phyllis' is at 1800 w. wood st.  ...wood street is 1800 west, and

> stella says she thinks it's on division

Well, site copyediting is certainly as exciting as a sexy picture. To a grammar fetishist, anyway.

(Sigh.)

And this is just what I had in mind when I starting Letters to the Idiot. An opportunity for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to join the Grand Dialogue of...proofing error.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2005:

Damn Broadway-ti-zation now brings

new groups craving to dance and sing.

Those not only gay

but nerdish, too, prayed--

now comes mus'cal "Lord of the Rings."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Headline on a tabloid I saw in the checkout line:

"The Bachelorette: What Went Wrong?"

Hmm.

The answer's complicated. It started a few years back when some executive first proposed the idea of a thing called "reality" TV...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/18/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rockin' Robin

"Rockin' Robin" is one of the rockin'-est songs in the history of music.

I'm sure you've heard it.

If you haven't, give it a listen. If you have heard it, give it a new listen and note the rockin'-ness.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2005:

Divorce can be one major bummer--

from big CEOs to your plumber--

but bright side appears

when smoke fin'lly clears

and you march to a whole new hummer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

There was an AP photo, by Louis Lanzano, on the front of my Wednesday Chicago Sun-Times, and I'm sure it made its way into many newspapers 'cross country, so perhaps you've Slapper Yapper Grassshoppers have seen it, too.

If you haven't, I recommend your seeking it out.

It shows Bernard Ebbers, former CEO of WorldCom, leaving court after he was found guilty of extortion and general corporate anal rape of both customers and employees.

Ebbers' mouth is wide open, a look of frightened shock paints his face. He is accompanied by his much-younger wife, undoubtedly an accomplice in the sinister scheme, and she, too has a frightened face, one on the verge of tears.

Why, it's the type of thing that reminds you there is often, if not always, justice served in the world.

It's one of those works of art reminding you of the wondrous beauty life has to offer.

(And yet, although I'm all for the Constitutional prohibition against "cruel and unusual punishment," it'd be a tad more beautiful if Ebbers were thrown into a pit and the former employees and customers could take a piss or drop a mule down on the Evil Anus.)

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/19/2005:

> Rockin' Robin....WTF?

This joker seems to take issue with my assertion in yesterday's "Entertain Me" section that Rockin' Robin is a marvelously rockin' song.

I suppose "rockin'" is in the ear of the beholder.

And one man's "rockin'" is another man's, well... Phil Collins-y music, I suppose.

Nonetheless, I stand by the assertion that "Rockin' Robin" rocks one's ass.

And as long as we're takin' a musical stroll into that era, I'll also say that "Yakkity Yak" rocks one's buttocks quite delightfully as well.

And what's "WTF"? Or did you mean to type "ATF"?

And readers, I ask you: What kinda low-down, dirty fascist doesn't like "Rockin' Robin"? There's rockin', there's boppin'. Hell, there's even BIPPIN', and that's sayin' something.

Do you think...the e-mail came from Phil Collins himself?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2005:

Though fans seem but merely annoyed

Congress blows its load on steroids.

Thank God for sports scandal--

the fluff they can handle

and real-world ills, they can avoid.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

The Chicago Sun-Times is doing a three-part investigative-like series called "Sex on Campus."

Guess what: College students have a lot of sex.

Well, I guess Watergates are hard to come by...

I read this week of a "Colonoscopy Blog."

Perhaps the only venue where talking out one's ass is a good thing...

The European Union, after much back-and-forth, has decided to allow foreign products to trumpet their locale as part of marketing--as with, say, Idaho potatoes.

You see, there was an issue with saying a product was from a certain place because...because... Hmm.

I guess because it helps divert attention from the fact that their trade rulings have no human rights clauses...

a guy talking on a cell phone AND a pay phone at the same time this week.

For a moment, I tried to imagine the explanation.

But it didn't seem like that'd be good for my brain, so I'll just leave it at that...

Has anybody else noticed that in the Age of Relationship Counseling also happens to be the Age of Rampant Divorce?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/20/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Bone Cruises

When I was in high school, me and a friend of mine would often drive around for entire evenings, intoxicating ourselves all the while.

No destination. Sparsely traveled backroads.

There wasn't much else to do in rural McHenry County, Illinois. Occasionally somebody threw a party, or more likely, a bonfire. Occasionally, a friend's parents weren't home and a miniature party was thrown.

Usually, it was just a bone cruise.

I don't know why they were called "bone cruises." The name came from a friend of mine.

But bone cruises they were.

And they were every bit as exciting as today's Sunday Story Time.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/20/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: The wish of flame

Up the beach, I hear

people at play. The clink

of bottles, the pop of

sparks from a fire; these

against the sizzle

of the surf.

The cold salt air

carries their

laughter to me.

I want to be

the orange glow

caressing their faces,

burning up shorewood,

surrendering myself;

racing for the reach.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/20/2005:

Still more mail on the "Rockin' Robin Controversy" or, as the mainstream media would likely dub it, "Rockin' Robin Gate":

> Not to mention, a prepubescent, still-black Michael Jackson sang the lead.

Now, this heehaw, as best as I can tell, agrees with my assertions of a rockin' quality to "Rockin' Robin." But... Well, I wasn't referring to the Jackson Five version. Although it, too, is rockin'.

However, I must go on record as saying that I am, at this junction in time, a bit disturbed over the notion of Michael's interpretation of "bippin'."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2005:

The GOP science ain't so edgy;

they give med profession a wedgey

"saving" that cat's wife.

"Pro tubular life"

of a brain-dead Florida veggie.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Read this weekend of the phenomenon of "Born Again Virgins."

Really. Evidently, there are enough of 'em out there to toss out the label. In this case, it's generally referring to couples in relationships who were having sex but have decided to abstain until marriage.

I've heard the term before but... It's supposed to be a self-derogatory term--for somebody who's having trouble getting laid. Not somebody who has a steady line on nookie, not to mention in a steady relationship and thus having less worry about STDs and...and... Why, the only way this makes sense is if...

If find myself thinking about "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." Only maybe the couples above need a "Super Straight Guy" to slap 'em around or something.

In any event, in light of the increasing Pussification of America now including the Boston Red Sox getting "Queer Eye" makeovers, I just have to pipe into the debate by asking, "Why not 'Hot Chick Eye for the Straight Guy'?" Because, I don't know about other guys, but I really could give a quarter shit what gays think of me--which, by the way, is more than the eighth of a shit I give to what straight guys think of me (gay guys, being attracted to men, are that much closer to the real targets to impress, being, of course, women).

Well then. I guess it just needed to be said...

Since yesterday was the first day of spring, it's time for my annual warning:

If you have ugly-ass feet, insist on wearing socks, or if you're a guy not living in the desert or working as a professional gladiator, throw out the sandals.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/21/2005:

In reference to yesterday's Limerick about Congress' steroid fetish:

> Didn't you do this one already?

Short answer: No; I don't reprint "best of" limericks.

But... Well, I just sent the intern down into the Vault to figure this one out. I may have touched on the topic before. Lazy, I know, hitting a topic a second time while only doing this EVERY FREAKIN' DAY FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, but we'll check it out.

But I'll also point out that certain topics linger in the news for a while, so there's a good argument that revisiting them isn't taboo, Mr. McGwire.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2005:

A new demographic's emergin'--

press calls them the "Born Again Virgins."

Start sweet lovin' carriage;

stop, save it for marriage

(seems for men, guy's secretly surgin').

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

An upcoming "reality" TV show called "Mr. Romance" will feature Fabio teaching men how to be more romantic and such.

I know I'm not alone in feeling that there's no level of ridiculosity that can be reached in society anymore that will shock me. And yet, now and again, either because something actually reaches a new level of stupidity, or I'm off-guard, or some mix of those two and other factors... For whatever reason, I am shocked. Rare, true, but it happens.

News of "Mr. Romance" was one of those cases.

Stranger still, now that we're talking about Fabio, that he's one of those alleged "hunks" that I've never, ever witnessed a woman with a fondness for. Say his name and all I've ever heard from chicks is "Ewww!" "How can anybody think HE'S sexy?" etc.

Maybe he has a diploma from some hunk college or something and is thus a certified hunk... Make that "hunk" college...

Saw an ad for "Shameless Quick Dating" today.

Now, you know I'm practically swelling with ways to make fun of this item.

But I must say... "Shameless"? Unlike most of my dates, at least they admit it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2005:

New phenom's called "Shameless Quick Dating"

(at least it admits that it's grating).

Still my advice, since

at desp'ration hints,

is: best to stay home masturbating.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

I'm taping an interview on Internet radio tomorrow, so one of you bastards oughta call in.

Details are in Sloop Central.

Did I mention that you're all bastards?...

Speaking of bastards, in this case evil bastards much more dangerous than you numbskulls could pull off if you wanted to, Clear Channel was successfully sued in court for interfering with a business contract. Specifically, "interfering with a business contract." More specifically, trying to bully venues into going with Clear Channel instead of Jam Productions (a Chicago-based show promoter) by threatening to launch a rival show, in this case a dirt-bike event.

Clean Channel was acquitted of greater charges of anti-trust behavior, however, despite e-mail evidence citing the need to "kill, crush and destroy" competition. (Evidently, just good ol' fashioned, capitalist fun.)

Nonetheless, this is good news--and it could spur a delightful trend.

And to think we're supposed to just assume that the news is "all negative," as so many spew as an excuse for ignorance.

Of course, this is all a bit much for the public to follow. Lacking a celebrity angle, "reality" TV cameras or at least a murdered, middle-class, pretty white woman...

Pat O'Brien is in rehab.

Or is that just code for "journalism school"?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/23/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Panko

The word may seem exotic to many readers. (Then again, a Mexican frozen pizza seems exotic to most Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.)

(And why am I so cranky to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers today? I'm otherwise in a fine mood.)

Anyway, I'm talkin' panko flour. It's actually a Japanese things, so kudos to that nation way out east!

You buy panko flour in a bag at the store. The bag relates simple directions. The stuff is kick-ass for frying and breading pretty much anything.

I've tried many times in the past to get a good breading. On fried chicken. Oysters. Catfish. Pork chops. All sorts of stuff.

Never had good luck with it. Always fell off and made a big mess. Until the day I discovered panko flour.

So get yourself some oil, flour, eggs and some food fit-to-be-fried... Oh, and don't forget the panko flour.

You'll probably forget the panko flour, though, won't ya'?

Bastards.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2005:

So now that actor Robert Blake's

found not guilty, could use a break--

to be re-accused

and stay in the news

it'd be good luck, for career's sake.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Finally, Daily Limerick has been submitted, through a service, to search engines.

So pretty soon you'll be able to Google it.

Only, I have a bit of a fetish as to how I like it Googled, but go ahead and just Google it in your own way until I get to know you better...

Headline in today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Killer Poet Caught on West Side."

No, it is not a crime in Chicago to write "killer" poetry. And, no, your even stranger suppositions aren't true either--poetry is not earning headlines here, or anywhere else for that matter.

Norman A. Porter, Jr., who I, and many others, knew as J.J. Jameson, killed three people, in three separate incidents, and has been on the lam for 20 years.

I actually knew him pretty well. It was due to a little poets group he put together that I wrote my first villanelle, actually.

But I can't do what I'm supposed to do and say "I would've never guessed." He's a poet and little surprises me about that group.

It's not even April yet!

Finally, somebody brought the poetry scene into the newspaper outside National Poetry Month!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2005:

Clear Channel took a legal hit--

stifling competition did it.

A small hit, in scope

but still bringing hope

our tune scene might stop being shit.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Have a Good Friday... Or is that a Good Good Friday?... Merry Good Friday?... Happy Friday!...

Since it IS a holiday weekend, enjoy the additional Extra-Cheezy edition(s)...

Not content that 40 percent--40 freakin' percent!--of kids age 13-18 are now armed with cell phones in the U.S., a company called Firefly has developed a phone especially for kids 8-12. It's designed so that parents can program it to only dial certain phone numbers and... Ugh.

They grow despicable so fast these days, don't they?...

Update on the "Killer Poet" story touched on herein yesterday:

As could have been predicted, saw the first follow-up headline including "Poetic Justice" already.

"For Better or Verse" sure to follow.

And it'll only get uglier, and more cliche, from there.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/25/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Roustabout

I realize that I've touched on Elvis-related matters in this section recently.

I also realize that I've mentioned my desire to live life ala an Elvis movie in S&Y recently. And perhaps numerous times.

If you're up for taking in an Elvis flick, here's my recommendation to get you started: Roustabout.

I'm far from an expert on Elvis' movies. I've taped quite a few and usually haven't ended up sitting down to watch them--hearing them in the background is usually enough for me to experience their, er, complicated plot twists and all.

I have a double CD set that includes the "best of" Elvis' movie music--thus, more or less, the best of his cheeziest tunes. Having taken in a fair share of the flicks, I can vouch for the fact that the songs NOT making my compilation are... Well, sometimes things are "so bad they're good," but many of those cheezy B-listers are even borderline for that honor.

Roustabout has a number of the finer Elvis movie tunes in it, including "Follow That Dream." There were others but...it's hard to retain knowledge of an Elvis movie for very long.

Elvis movies are a bit like stereotypical Chinese food that way.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2005:

A girlie joined Greenpeace to go

with the promiscuity flow

so it wasn't clear

if a whale was near

when someone cried out, "Thar she blows!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

The European Union is considering dropping the arms embargo against China as "unfair."

Now, this is the same EU busying itself with provisions about obesity and the science fiction of "secondhand smoke."

Evidently, the Quest to Protect Us From Ourselves now completely cancels out the rampantly politically incorrect, time-honored notion of government Protecting Us From the Other Guy.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2005:

A killer in hiding long dreamed

of tickling by lit spotlight's beam.

So where goes a ham

when he's on the lam?

Quasi-public poetry scene!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

In order to have some observance herein of what is a holiday steeped in religious tradition, I offer this advice for churches and their oft-declining attendance:

Allow smoking at services.

Now don't say I never did anything for organized religion; that was volunteer consulting, right there...

Speaking of church-y things, the Rev. Al Sharpton is calling on the FCC to start cracking down on the violent nature of songs played on the radio.

You know, as long as we're going to get annoyed by PSAs, how about one on the First Amendment--you know, on what it was, why such a thing is really good for the people and what it could maybe once again be?...

Heard an ad today for some allergy drug trumpeting, not its efficiency, not its price, not its lack of side effects, but its ability to be taken instantaneously--even while water skiing.

"Just Say Yes (as long as you can afford it and/or have worked the good corporate life to gain the insurance)," kids...

I suppose they've been around for a while, but I just noticed today that Starbucks has drive-thrus.

Now, they're not really still pretending to be part of the time-honored coffeehouse legacy, are they?...

Vanity license plate (Illinois) seen today:

RUXPRENC

Considering the general facts regarding such license plates and the people who gain a sense of importance through them, I think some rift-in the time space continuum follows that one around...

Local, suburban elections are going down in early April, and the signs are out.

One I saw, for school board candidates, carried a slogan "Keep Our Kids Safe."

Wow. You don't see a lot of meat to political promises, especially in suburban elections, but I gotta credit that bold stance toward booting the Catholic churches out of town...

To writers for late-night sketch-comedy shows:

Could you focus a little more on impersonating celebrities and spoofing Hollywood movies and TV shows? Really, I'm desperately afraid you're going to actually lapse into exploring the general human condition or something, or leave the celebrity punch lines out of the rare non-Hollywood-focused sketches...

And while I'm touching on the inbred carnival of the Entertainment Industry... Could you remake more old movies and such rather than toying with any of that insipid originality crap? I mean, I think you've missed two or three '70s TV shows...

You know we're in for an artistic treat when an actor-recently-turned-filmmaker describes his newfound craft as "not brain surgery"...

Just noticed this:

Paris Hilton is actually kinda ugly.

You may now go back to your regularly scheduled celebrity (and "celebrity") lusting.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/27/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Accidentally Treating Chicks Like Some Sort of Rapper

Recently, while out at a popular performance venue for performance purposes and sitting at the bar next to an annoying, self-important chick, I accidentally came real close to burning a hole in her clothing with my cigar.

It all took me back to high school and these chicks me and a friend picked up at (gulp) The Mall. We drove way the hell out of our way to spend time with them and thing went nowhere fast.

Going for a walk around the dumpy town of Hampshire, Illinois, and walking behind our chickies-for-the-day, I let loose some spit out of mail necessity, the wind caught it and it landed on "my chick."

So I spit on her. Pure accident, but I did.

And, no, I didn't bring it to her attention. But her little sister saw it all, and I'm sure Anita heard about it later.

Yes. I said "little sister."

It was that bad.

So I don't feel that bad about it.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/27/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Free from danger

And so we broke the spine of the bridge.

Its tumble into the sea was beautiful

And also devestating. People were screaming,

Caught unawares. The water engulfed them,

Silenced their lungs. "May you be free

From danger," I said.

My accomplice nodded. She turned away,

Climbed into the pilot's seat,

And flew her helicopter away from the scene.

I watched it from the vantage of the cliff,

The window caught in white sun as she turned.

Then I gazed back on my disaster.

I studied it as an abstraction

Until the bridge's skeleton stopped thrashing,

Until the last drifts of smoke burned off,

And the last voice had given itself to the waves.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2005:

Out now on the retailers' shelves:

cell phones for those age eight to twelve.

One Christmas, up soon

we'll cry "To the moon!"

and loose whoop-ass on Santa's elves.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Hear Sloop on Internet radio all this week (see Sloop Central for details)...

Happy Dyngus Day!

I'm, er, not sure exactly what Dyngus Day is. Evidently, it's an excuse to party after the whole Lent/Easter deal--kinda like a closing Fat Tuesday, or Fat Monday, or whatever.

I think it's a Polish thing, as I was clued into it by the Polkaholics (see Sloop's Glantamerous links). But even those I know who are more up on the ethnically Poleock (SIC?) stuff don't seem to have heard of it.

So enjoy it. Treat your dyngus to something, if nothing else...

Okay, okay! I know the news has barely touched on the story, and it's about over (may be over by the time you read this), so here's your damn Schiavo hunk...

A little detail, I know, but telling, nonetheless:

Among the signs waved about by the "Feed Terry" crowd, I noticed a typo...

Sen. Joseph Lieberman, joining the publicity fray on some Sunday political talk show--and a Democrat, for the little it's worth; you know, that is, of the party allegedly out to save us from 18th Century Social Retro--claims, and I paraphrase, reversing a saying that I was proud of myself for "coming up with," many years back, that "the First Amendment gives us freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion."

With all that's been said and done over history, it is tough to come up with a truly original quotation. But has anybody ever yet mentioned the existence of an "elephant in donkey's clothing"?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2005:

"Defending Caveman" they now claim

fits couples couns'ling's mold and aim

which makes perfect sense--

'splains current events--

'cause both phenoms are hella-lame.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Hear Sloop on Internet radio all this week (see Sloop Central for details)...

Osama bin Laden is protected by some pretty elaborate security procedures. I was reading about some of them this weekend.

One of the tactics I found particularly entertaining was Osama and/or his guards traveling in drag.

Damn this nutty world! You go engagin' in something of utmost seriousness, in this case fightin' a War on Terror, and a freakin' Monty Python sketch STILL breaks out...

S&Y was just musing about government's time-honored duty of first priority--protecting us from the other guy (invader countries, criminals, etc.).

Then I read about Chicago's Rogers Park neighborhood outsourcing some of its policing duties.

Supposedly, security guards will only handle the "minor" stuff but... Isn't there a possibility of having one's life placed in the hands of a glorified, ego-stroked mall cop? Shudder, rinse, repeat.

On a cautionary note, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, always take the time to verify that that any self-dubbed authorities arresting you...er, dealing with you show proper identification. That is, make sure they're with the government or Halliburton...

Congress is moving to ban the sale of ATVs to those under 16.

You'd think that would have already been taken care of, wouldn't you?

But you'll see real action on this once enough propaganda points have been racked up railing against the fictional violence of videogames reaching the underage...

Not only is April National Poetry Month; it's also National Humor Month.

If this doesn't cry out, "Daily Limerick!" I don't know what does.

Hell, the public has just gotta honor me in the way these "appreciation" months call for.

Depending on how you plan to do the "honoring," ladies...er, readers, I may not even care so much that you go back to ignoring me come May 1.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2005:

Now comes Al Sharpton to beseech

FCC to lengthen its reach

to violence in lyrics.

Whines to Dems who'll hear it--

bipartisan War on Free Speech.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Hear Sloop on Internet radio all this week (see Sloop Central for details)...

A new IMAX-y flick, "Volcanoes of the Deep Sea," has been banned from theaters in some Southern cities because its content bolsters the idea of Evolution, thus contradicting the idea of Creationism.

Of course, common sense and most of the world around us contradicts Creationism, but that's another topic altogether. ("That's Another Topic!" Ahem.)

Maybe our partnership with Saudi Arabia isn't so bizarre, after all...

United States Postal Service employees are refusing to deliver to an Indiana neighborhood because of a vicious beast.

Well, a vicious dog.

A vicious Chihuahua, actually.

Rain, sleet and all that jazz is one thing. A foot-long, yapping dog is quite another...

I was talking with somebody the other day about Me in my early 20s. I was reminded of a clever little saying I came up with a while back, a slice-of-lifey thing I was proud of: If I were to run into my self then at this point in life, I'd kick my ass.

In all honesty, I generally don't see a total schlub and think of kicking his ass. I'm rough 'n' tumble when the need arises but not a regular tough guy.

More likely, I'd look at myself and think, "What a loser."

Even more likely, I'd ignore myself. Unless we get into alternate realities and such, giving me a killer pair, o' legs or what-have-you.

But that's just gettin' silly. Wouldn't happen in a million years--unlike running into a version of myself at a younger age.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/30/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: My Friend's Mom's Scrambled Eggs

My best friend's mom, when I was a shaver, made a delightful scrambled egg dish.

They were regular ol' scrambled eggs, stuffed into pita bread and sprinkled generously with Big Boy seasoning salt.

So there's your recipe tip for the day.

A disclaimer is in order: I lusted for my best friend's mother. I didn't know what lust exactly was, mind you, only that she made my John Thomas tingly and I wanted to see her naked. So that may have colored my opinion of the scrambled-eggs-in-pita thing. But if so, it colors my opinion of the dish to this day, because I still whip it up now and again and grin with delight with each bite.

At the time, I thought Big Boy's seasoning salt was miles in deliciousness beyond any other seasoning salt. But, again: lust and youth. And I haven't had Big Boy's seasoning salt in many moons, so I can't comment on what the specific brand added to the dish at this point in time.

This tip/tale also brings to mind something I perceive to be a tragedy: Pita bread comes naturally with a pocket, but that pocket is rarely utilized, for scrambled eggs or gyros or any other matters culinary for that matter. And that's a shame.

I still open up the pita and stuff in the scrambled eggs, just like my best friend's mom used to do.

Stuffin' the pita.

How downright Freudulent.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2005:

With hundreds of channels today--

TiVo and show taping our way--

few shows are now ruler

'round the water cooler

and we'll soon have nothing to say.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2005:

The ENTIRE Archives are now posted! Five freakin' years. Every day. Plus, the Stand-Up Poem of the Month's goin' and, oh, all sorts of shit. Take a walk down Limerick Memory Lane and tiptoe through the 'Chives, won't you?...

Sloop's "The News of Our Time--In Rhyme" is now nationally syndicated (more info below)!...

Welcome to March, which is to roar in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb. All things considered, however, we at Daily Limerick hope to come OUT of this more Lion-esque, but, well, we're still fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, so we'll leave it at that, for now...

Hear Sloop on Internet radio all this week (see Sloop Central for details)...

Today, while leaving a place a part-time employ, exiting through the alley door, as I always do, I saw an interesting thing out by someone's trash.

A Barbie "Power Wheels." That is, a large plastic child's car.

Thought about driving it home. Could use a set of wheels.

Well, I found it funny.

Go to Sloop Central. Take a gander at my headshot. Imagine it yourself.

Should be funny.

If not... Well, you're just a bastard Slapper Yapper Grasshopper, anyway.

 

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