Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2005:

In Hamburg, some scientist choads

did find local exploding toads!

Myst'ry--must blow lid!

But local school kids

find that it beats cigarette loads.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

So now the Denny's restaurant chain is being sued for harassing Arab/Muslim American customers, allegedly calling a group of them "bin Ladens."

As you may recall, Denny's has a bit of a history with this type of thing. In the past, however, it always seemed to focus on blacks.

Guess that big Diversity Training initiative they launched is paying off. In some manner, anyhow.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/1/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Smile--Courtesy of Strangers

The year was 1986. I was a freshman at the University of Illinois, Champaign-Urbana.

I had brought a bike to campus. A non-speed bike, nostalgic number my parents encouraged me to take so that my 12-speed wouldn't get stolen, and one that in the end proved to be "not worth it," seemingly entailing just as much effort as walking--and bringing the added insult of getting regularly passed on the bike paths by speed demon, tiny Japanese girls on modern numbers. But I digress.

One morning, I had finished up a class and was retrieving my relic of a bike from the bike rack. I was in a horrible, no good, very bad mood of the seemingly unshakable sort when I spied a scene out on the bike paths that, to me, unwound in slow motion.

One on side, there was a typical, type-A-personality biker, crouched in aerodynamic pedaling position, zooming down the path as if competing in the Tour de France. Coming in the other direction was a cycling lollygagger, looking up and around smiling, taking in the surroundings, in fact unaware that he was zig-zagging in and out of his proper lane, as designated by the painted bike lanes.

To make what could be a long story short: Bam!

I laughed aloud. In fact, I doubled over.

To add to my merriment, the woulda-been-Lance-Armstrong-wannabe-if-Lance-were-around-yet cyclist's front wheel lodged into the spokes of the Lollygagger's, adding to the amusingly agitated attitude of the former. There were seemingly no injuries.

But the laughter improved my mood. I went from one of the worst moods imaginable to being in a damn good mood for the rest of the day, just like that.

Sometimes, we need to pause. To take a breath and understand that we can have a profound impact on the lives of strangers--with very little effort.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/1/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: As a place, as an idea (Remembering Calgary)

She thought it a joy, a total joy,

when I fed a catfish out of my hand

in an indoor feeding pond, at a mall,

while outside flinty sparks of sunlight

tried to chisel their way inside.

My mouth was still raw and sweet

with the taste of cloves -- a habit that

I took up and dropped without comment.

I'd been smoking them down too quickly,

feeding them in, choking on smoothness

in lieu of conversation. We planned

a trip to meet the mountains

rising from canola fields to crags,

hideaway rodents hopping on rockfalls,

a lake (hiked to) teal as dye.

At a picnic area we stopped for a snack

and she smoked her dry store-bought tobacco;

I studied a stream of water at my feet

and acknowledged the mosquitos spinning about

as though these things were what weighed on my mind.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/1/2005:

David Sher.

Again:

>btw: W9LYA is my ham radio callsign.

I did not include the rest of his blathering missive. He had the nerve to include another limerick, too. But in addition to discouraging outside limericism, the work in question revolved around an inside joke--to ham radio enthusiasts.

Ahh, ethics! I thought of our general readership first, placing secondary importance on a chance to latch onto the party-crazy, groupie-filled world of ham radio.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2005:

Med Science foresees an occasion

of patients' induced hibernation

if fix you, they can't--

freeze 'til big advance

(we're half there, on TV, 'cross nation).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

DL is mentioned, and has a limerick, in the Chicago Sun-Times' "Quick Takes" column... Yesterday. Didn't know ahead of time, sorry and, well, posting these entries around midnight the night before the date and all... Just see www.suntimes.com.

If you've been following S&Y lately, and are thus a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper--and if you haven't been see, the 'chives, munchpump--you'll note that it was my second attempt at QT's "Limerick Challenge," as this DL/QT relationship has been going on for some time...

A New Section debuts today! Oh, the festivity!...

And, while I was gonna leave today's S&Y as the first (to my knowledge) "All DL Plug Edition," I'll leave you with this:

I read the USA Weekend Sunday newspaper supplement on the toilet yesterday. Which is fitting.

Although I still didn't dub it worthy of actual use as a toilet paper substitute.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/2/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: "Cutting Words Haiku"

Barber and surgeon

The single word you do not

Want to hear is "Oops!"

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/2/2005:

>Big John

Pithy letter, I know.

For what it's worth, the "Subject" line read, "Subscribe email list."

I don't expect much from Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2005:

Celeb "victim" Jenny Wilbanks

got cold feet and couldn't be frank.

Instead she went "missing"--

her man--public dissing--

as she gave whole nation the yank.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

And while we're on the topic of today's Limerick, have you noticed that faking events--or at least being guilty of contributory negligence in causing a hoax by media inference--has become a downright trend?

College girls, young wives and/or fiances have been going missing...for the purposes of avoiding family and friends. Hate crimes are being faked. Why, these people know damn well the nation is watching--or at least the sizeable portion of the nation that gobbles up the latest Tragedy News with one hand while shaking a fist at That Negative Media with the other. And yet they promulgate this manufactured version of reality as much of the public, while eventually realizing full-well the true level of "reality" involved, nonetheless emulates the world presented by this altered version of life, thereby making the real world more like the "real" world?

Who do they think they are? "Reality" TV producers?...

Washington Wizards' basketball player Etan Thomas has had a book of his poetry published.

It's hard enough living with myself as a serious writer/poet nonetheless best-known for limericks without you damn "stars" cheapening various artistic professions.

Can't you celebrities stick to yoga or Scientology or something?...

Computerized grocery carts are coming to a supermarket near you.

I guess these jobs'll do everything from calculate the running price of your load to issue helpful reminders, ala "you haven't bought sugar in two weeks."

I carry a physical notebook and carry a running grocery list, personally, so I'm not exactly doing summersaults over the news.

And this, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, is what I mean when I question whether science and progress is always our friend, something I have done on multiple occasions in this space. For... Well, do we really need to give shoppers another device to remove their attention from the world around them?...

I'm not going to rehash a topic I've "hashed" much in this space over, especially one with a more serious tone than most.

But I do want to throw out a prediction.

There's a recent movement toward putting more funds into drug/alcohol "treatment" for prisoners and ex-cons, so as to prevent recidivism.

I do believe this is a vast improvement over spending so much money on locking more non-violent offenders up for longer amounts of time.

But my prediction is that this won't help the Big Picture much in the long run.

Now, off to snatch a ball away from a playful puppy!...

Alright, I'll throw out a "good" prediction to balance things out:

Our healthcare system will see some vast improvements in the nearish future.

GM and Ford are but two examples of companies spending inordinate, financially dangerous amounts of money on employee health insurance and on employing increasing amounts of people to manage all of the paperwork and such required of the Bureaucratic Beast.

An epidemic of bankruptcies and ailments and deaths running rampant among the citizenry is one thing. But when Big Business is feeling ill, our Congress will certainly act.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/3/2005:

>Thanks for starting the series (I hope!).  Appropriate; I head down to University

>of Chicago Hospitals this morning for badder surgery.  I am taking a copy of the

>group with me, just in case I get forgetful after anesthesia.

>

>BTW, if UC Hospitals are in the Forefront of Medicine, is the Urology Dept. at

>the Foreskin of Medicine?

>

>Dave     W9LYA

The Monday "Health Haiku" guy, again.

I haven't heard this much from Accursed Verse Mike over the five years he's been doin' the Sunday feature.

Nonetheless, Dave, I hope your badder feels all bedder wedder soon.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2005:

September '01 ain't forgotten

thus Denny's dubs Arabs "bin Ladens."

Long known, slurring blacks

those terror attacks

launched new bigot drive they've been plottin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Read today about a bunch of research and scientific discourse exploring the epidemic of obesity facing the U.S. and, in fact, much of the Western World.

One likely cause of the Great Fattening named was the fact that we simply have more "disposable income" in the modern world. Which, logically speaking, does make sense.

So... If we're relieved of hard-earned income, it will have some beneficial health effects.

I'm shocked. And I have to admit something I never thought I'd admit:

Albeit unintentionally, politicians DO actually enact measures with real effects on real problems occasionally...

S&Y recently looked at the coming wave of computerized grocery carts. Which got us to thinkin', which lead to thinkin' a bit old school, which led us to asking:

Why don't they put turn signals on the things? How about horns?

Hmm. May not wanna give me a horn on a grocery cart.

And if seemingly everybody else doesn't use the damn turn signals in cars, I suppose the signals wouldn't do much good on grocery carts either...

I was thinkin' a lot in the grocery store recently, evidently. And this all nicely compliments the fact that it's "food section" Wednesday.

I've concluded that grocery aisle design is fundamentally flawed.

Flawed, I tell you.

When you're unloading your grocery cart contents onto the checkout conveyor belt, it's ideal to get to it as soon as the guy in front of you's done. Thus, you're best location is then at the front of your cart.

But you wanna be in back of your cart--by the push-handle--as your stuff is dragged across the scanner, so that the bagger can get your stuff bagged, back in the cart and rollin' out the door as soon as is feasible.

But, naturally, some cumberpump rolls right up on your ass while you're unloading, trapping you in front of your cart for the ring-up.

I have executed many an interesting physical maneuver in the grocery check-out aisle.

I have no solutions to this design flaw. Only beefs--and that's my only real job here...

Speaking of DL/S&Y's powerful effect on world events, I'm taking credit for the fact that Jewel, one of my regional grocery chains, is now carrying Little Debbie's banana nut loaves, when it hasn't historically. Or at least my neighborhood store is now carrying them.

The power of art!

Or of something resembling art. Sort of.

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 5/4/2005:

Andrew B. Peed.

If you were missing this now-occasional section, urine luck...

Ugh. I'm remembering exactly why I cut this section before...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/4/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: California and Pizza

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall my assertion that I've only met three pizzas I didn't like. I won't re-hash that now (but encourage you to go a'tip-toein' through the 'chives).

One, of course, was when I lived in L.A.

It was so bad, in fact, I never ordered pizza again in L.A. I'd pick 'em up frozen for my pizza needs. Which was much like a form of methadone treatment.

Anyway, this all begs the question: How can anyone LIVE without decent pizza?

Really. It's a tragedy. Millions of people living that way.

Please help, won't you? For just pennies a day...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2005:

Now the NBA's Etan Thomas

has thrust a book of poems upon us.

Stars: Steer energy

to Sci'ntology

and ditch literary colonics.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Thought of a funny (and pun-ny) play on an old saying the other day:

"Absence make the heart grow blonder."

And, you know, my possible future proverb may in fact have truth to it. (I say "possible future proverb" because I assume there's some Catholic-esque procedure to attaining proverb status.)

Maybe "heart" isn't the best word. But absence of lovin' probably makes many men's thoughts blonder.

And the desperation it causes in women may in fact spur them to dye something blonde, thus becoming blonder.

And there is Seinfeldian observation that lack of sexual release renders some less intelligent, tying into the blonde stereotype.

Then there's the fact that Daily Limerick, like any other "news outlet," has what we in the biz call "slow news days."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/5/2005:

> I'm only now catching up on past Daily Limericks/Slappin' Yappin's (and

> laughing lots), and I noticed that you mention Pulp Fiction is told in

> reverse. It's not, though. It's told in a pretzel, with some scenes

> happening before they should, some after, and a few in correct chronology.

> It's a pretzel, but it's not the pretzel that President Bush choked on.

I knew full well when I wrote the entry this skunk-pumper refers to that "Pulp Fiction's" plot was chronologically "messed up," as opposed to going strictly in reverse.

I probably should've instead referenced the "Seinfeld" episode that did go in reverse. Although, technically, if it TRULY went in reverse, it would make little sense. The order of SCENES went in reverse; it was much like fast-forwarding a movie, watching the last scene in its proper order, then going back one scene, watching IT in proper order and... Ahem.

I didn't intend to cause all this Pulp Friction.

> I have to admit, I love the idea of a homeless man in filthy clothes walking

> around with a cart that says "You haven't purchased sugar in two weeks."

>

> Two letters to the idiot for one low price -- your intelligence.

>

> .m.

I suppose I could've tried passing this second letter off as one from a different reader. But the ethics here are so thick you can...revel in their thickness.

Clusterpunch here is referring to my comments on upcoming, computerized grocery carts.

Yet the homeless may indeed be big sugar buyers, seein' as they're always askin' me for money for "a cup of coffee."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2005:

Now the NBA's Etan Thomas

has thrust a book of poems upon us.

Stars: Steer energy

to Sci'ntology

and ditch literary colonics.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Thought of a funny (and pun-ny) play on an old saying the other day:

"Absence make the heart grow blonder."

And, you know, my possible future proverb may in fact have truth to it. (I say "possible future proverb" because I assume there's some Catholic-esque procedure to attaining proverb status.)

Maybe "heart" isn't the best word. But absence of lovin' probably makes many men's thoughts blonder.

And the desperation it causes in women may in fact spur them to dye something blonde, thus becoming blonder.

And there is Seinfeldian observation that lack of sexual release renders some less intelligent, tying into the blonde stereotype.

Then there's the fact that Daily Limerick, like any other "news outlet," has what we in the biz call "slow news days."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/5/2005:

> I'm only now catching up on past Daily Limericks/Slappin' Yappin's (and

> laughing lots), and I noticed that you mention Pulp Fiction is told in

> reverse. It's not, though. It's told in a pretzel, with some scenes

> happening before they should, some after, and a few in correct chronology.

> It's a pretzel, but it's not the pretzel that President Bush choked on.

I knew full well when I wrote the entry this skunk-pumper refers to that "Pulp Fiction's" plot was chronologically "messed up," as opposed to going strictly in reverse.

I probably should've instead referenced the "Seinfeld" episode that did go in reverse. Although, technically, if it TRULY went in reverse, it would make little sense. The order of SCENES went in reverse; it was much like fast-forwarding a movie, watching the last scene in its proper order, then going back one scene, watching IT in proper order and... Ahem.

I didn't intend to cause all this Pulp Friction.

> I have to admit, I love the idea of a homeless man in filthy clothes walking

> around with a cart that says "You haven't purchased sugar in two weeks."

>

> Two letters to the idiot for one low price -- your intelligence.

>

> .m.

I suppose I could've tried passing this second letter off as one from a different reader. But the ethics here are so thick you can...revel in their thickness.

Clusterpunch here is referring to my comments on upcoming, computerized grocery carts.

Yet the homeless may indeed be big sugar buyers, seein' as they're always askin' me for money for "a cup of coffee."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2005:

A grocery store-bound new invention,

computerized carts, will feed penchant

of Public, the gluttons,

for gadgets with buttons--

great, more to divert our attention.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

So hubbub is in the air over Paula Abdul, famous now for her judging role on "American Idol" and once famous for something else. It seems Paula slept with a contestant.

Hmm.

Ethical violations in the entertainment realm, directly affecting less than .001 percent of the public?

This looks like a job for... Congress!...

A new study or whatever-the-hell finds that cell phone/e-mail/etc. "addiction" has an averse effect on mental functioning--to the same level as smoking marijuana!

Now, I haven't read much about the definition of "addiction" as it's used here. Nor exactly the particulars of marijuana smoking referred to (how much, how often, etc.). Not to mention that my Limerick Sense is tingling over the Counseling Industry sniffing around another "treatment" money-maker but... Nonetheless:

If the "gateway drug" label finds its way to, say, cell phone abuse, this might not be all bad.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/6/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: 1/2 Mad Poet

There are rockin' chick bands. And then there are rockin' chick bands like 1/2 Mad Poet.

When I saw 'em, they opened with Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." Now, there's a decent argument that such behavior constitutes cheeziness, I know, but I happen to like the song. And, if nothing else, you gotta admit that the tune certainly rocks above and beyond Alanis' other work. And, might I add, 1/2 Mad Poet's cover of it was certainly more rockin' than the original.

Come to think of it, I don't think they're a chick band. Unless having a chick singer makes a group a "chick band." And what the hell, why not? The Jews claim anybody whose mother is at least half-Jewish as their own.

But picture a guitar-playing, chick singer. Red-haired and tending toward zaftig--but in a very good way, with an ultra-feminine body shape. Now imagine her rockin' your ass off in a plaid skirt on top of it all.

Oh, and she's actually cool to talk to, as well.

I suppose I should describe the music more eloquently in this section, but there's an art form to these. That is, if you follow my rambling correctly, you should be able to imagine just how they sound.

These are sort of...impressionistic. Or something.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2005:

Saw pic of Ang Jolie in burqa

(dress meant to conceal God's fine work-a)

but she's so damn hot

hide "hot" it does not

so glancing at pic, I did jerka.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

If a picture paints a thousand words, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, two headlines I happened across yesterday in the Chicago Sun-Times write a thousand pictures:

"FBI Lags in Hiring Intelligence Analysts Since 911: Report."

And:

"Justice Dept. Stepping Up Prosecutions Over Porn."

Never fear. The Feds know what they're doin'.

They're making the Terror Alert system "optional," remember?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2005:

Now, USA Weekend brings scoop

of fluff--lower than others stoop.

Last week, I thumbed through it--

fitting place to do it--

while taking one helluva poop.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

The legislature of the State of Texas has saw fit to institute a crack-down on "sexually suggestive" high school cheerleading routines.

You know, maybe a terrorist attack could do us well right about now. Remind us of priorities. Oh, I'm not talkin' some spectacular 9-11 type thing. Maybe something symbolic but largely inconsequential... Like on the "Today" show crowd or something.

Relax, any Feds who might've stumbled across this mess. I don't REALLY mean that. Last thing we need is Bush mumbling 'bout faux WMDs in yet another unrelated nation...

A whole herd o' whacktoast gathered underneath a Chicago highway underpass to marvel at a likely piss stain they somehow identified as resembling the Virgin Mary.

I've seen photos of the image. And, sure enough, it looks just like the Virgin Mary. If you squint. And if you're really looking hard to see the Virgin Mary SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE. And if you've either blown a giant doob or instead killed a few brain cells on a hit of organized religious fervor.

Soon after its discovery, vandals someone "vandalized" the non-picture.

Then another bunch of whacktoast came to undo the damage done to the imaginary Mary.

Some call the image a miracle.

Some believe that life is full of many mini-miracles.

And who am I to say that failing an impromptu ink blot test isn't one of 'em?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/8/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Chinese Pizza Delivery Guy

I realize the title of today's entry is grammatically questionable.

Although I think readers probably get the gist, it COULD identify one who delivers Chinese pizza, which doesn't sound so hot but would probably sell in L.A.

Anyway, today's edition is a form of "penance." I still feel bad about what we did to the Chinese guy who'd deliver us "Pizza World" pizzas in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois.

It was the late '80s and I was living in Champaign-Urbana because I was attending the University of Illinois there. I resided with two friends in an on-campus apartment where our lifestyles were beyond penny-pinching--in fact, our former dorm-mate and semi-friend J.D., aka "Smoothstone," convinced us that we had no obligation to tip, being poor college students.

I think our terrorization of the Pizza Guy started innocently enough. My friend Ravi, undoubtedly medicated, was pulling singles from various pockets, trying to get separate amounts of change from the guy for our various contributions of 20 bills or 10ers or what-have-you.

It wasn't until after we scarfed down the za that we realized we'd ended up with a confusion-fueled discount on our order.

From then on out, however, it was a cold and calculated exercise in chicanery, baffling the obviously English-challenged Chinese guy. And he fell for it, over and over, until a different "regular" delivery guy made his appearance and we never saw the Chinese dude again.

One time, the Chinese guy ended up paying US for the pizzas.

I honestly do feel bad about our behavior. To this day!

Yet I'm not sure how this entry qualifies as "penance."

But at least now it turns out that we've tortured the guy for a better cause than our own amusement and paltry profit.

Assuming, of course, some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers also find amusement in the tale.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/8/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Asking leave of leaving

To the field of the sea we sweep blue clouds.

They gather over deep ends, peering

into the thrash and roil surface.

A flash of sun in recognition.

It too tries to pierce its image,

a moving valley breaking and breathing.

But hairs of light will not penetrate

the murky green and purple waves

asking their leave of gravity.

We silently gather words and their meanings,

toss them up with a handful of dirt.

They suspend white. They rain. They weigh.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2005:

So FBI hiring still lags

despite piles of terror red flags.

Check backgrounds? Takes year!

At least need not fear

them hiring pot smokers or fags.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Ah, menus!

Could've ordered a steak that would've been "charbroiled tastefully" the other night.

Which is a good sign. I'm gettin' sick of all this damn lewd and obscene behavior that passes for charbroilin' these days...

And while we're on the subject of bad culinary punnin', I think "Bone Appetit" is a good title for a porn feature.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/9/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Post-Op Haiku

When the surgeon made

His final equipment count

Did he break even?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2005:

A new anorexia Web cult

has nat'rally caused a tumult.

Yet most shunning "Ana"

turn off my banana

so let's wait to see the results.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Just so you know... Aw, screw it.  Educate yourself if you don't know what today's Limerick is about.

DL's almost like Sesame Street that way. For adults. Or for wahoo adults, at least...

Congress is now exploring the idea of taxing people by the number of miles driven, as opposed to per gallon of gas.

Sounds a little silly at first thought. But we gotta do SOMETHING about those folks with the annoying conservation habit...

Speaking of brilliance on the Tax Front, the city of Detroit may be instituting a fast food tax.

Naw. I shouldn't say it.

Why the hell shouldn't I say it?

When they started nailin' us with the festival of tobacco tax "for our own good" (and to balance politicians' out of control budgets), DL/S&Y told you so...

Demonstrators on Chicago's Michigan Avenue this weekend were running around half-naked to protest "Nano-Tex" clothing.

So... Why does the majority ignore the vast majority of modern protest movements? Really, I'm curious...

Chan Chandler, a Baptist pastor in Waynesville, NC, has booted nine members of his congregation for not supporting Dubya.

And you thought the LORD worked in mysterious ways.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2005:

In Texas, the cheerleading scene

caused rise in hung-up fathers' jeans.

Best way to address it?

Why, further repress "it"

and outlaw "suggestive" routines.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Read earlier this week that, since 1998, one would be better off investing in "Star Wars" action figures than in the stock market.

Thank God Bush doesn't read newspapers. His social security "fix" could be even weirder...

Scientists have found that the brains of women and gay men react to testosterone in the same manner, while only straight men remain unaffected by its presence.

In effect, this is more evidence supporting a biological basis--that is, not a "lifestyle choice"--behind homosexuality.

Never fear. Judging by their stellar, Weekly World News-esque performance with the latest War on Drugs propaganda, Bush's PR team is certainly up to this challenge from that pesky science and facts crap...

Speaking of the War on Drugs, Bill O'Reilly, whose attitudes on the matter befit a character in the movie "Reefer Madness," is now bitchin' about sex offenders gettin' off easy.

I share your anger here, oh Pharoah of Phone Sex. But you're forgettin' your ideological priorities here. Our prisons and criminal court system are overtaxed as is. So what's the threat of a few dead children, Bill, compared to the thought of (gulp) PEOPLE SITTIN' IN THEIR BASEMENTS GETTIN' STONED AND JAMMIN' TUNES???!!!...

The National Football League has forbidden San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan from wearing suits on the sidelines.

Licensing agreements for wearing certain clothes, you see.

Oh, Congress?... I'm much more worried about the "role model" effect of this sort of thing on children than with individual lunkheads growin' muscles and shrinkin' testicles with performance drugs, for what my opinion's worth in the matter, and considering I don't have the sheep mentality thing operating correctly, I assume that virtually nil...

Sports Illustrated's SI.com recently listed "Five Teams Fallen Far Below Expectations."

Number Four on the list: The Chicago Cubs.

Odd. There really isn't room to GO any lower concerning my annual expectations for the Cubs...

Here's what we need a term and/or phrase for:

When a business, group or individual has a Web site address composed of their name sandwiched between "www." and ".com".

Rather than saying, "Daily Limerick, on the Web at www.DailyLimerick.net," you'd say something like, "Daily Limerick, Webbed Titularly..." or something.

Hmm.

How about, for short, "WebTit." "Daily Limerick, WebTit..." Hmm.

He hee.

Ahem.

Well, ya' got any better ideas, ass-bastards?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/11/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Kielbasa and Eggs

I feel silly even giving the recipe for this family favorite from the Polish quarter of the Chief Limericist's pool o' grandparent ethnic backgrounds.

Scramble eggs with Kielbasa.

While, I guess there are a few helpful hints to it. For instance, the Kielbasa should be cooked per normal procedure ahead of time. Then you should chop it into small pieces, brown those a bit and then add eggs and such per your typical scrambling habit.

While most people I've introduced the dish to initially balked at its seeming oddity, I've yet to encounter somebody who didn't enjoy the finished product wholeheartedly.

Trust DL.

Well, perhaps I shouldn't give such irresponsible advice--as a blanket statement, anyway. But do trust DL on this individual matter.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2005:

Detroit's pondering "fast food tax"

'cause budget's been given the ax

thus pols can't spend wacko--

it worked with tobacco;

next: Guilt rob those splitting their slacks.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Now, you'll have to bear with me because I don't fully understand this myself, but... United Airlines has been given a go-ahead, from the courts, to dump its employee pension plans, pawning them off on some government agency, which seemingly translates into screwing former employees out of retirement benefits.

Normally, a maneuver like this wouldn't be possible. A company would have to completely fold to get out of paying employee pensions, as opposed to going through a re-organization-type bankruptcy.

Business and legal watchers assume this will set a precedent.

And despite my not quite understanding this whole situation, I'll nonetheless translate it just for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

A promise from Corporate America now officially and legally means nothing.

Unless, of course, you're a CEO. Or a company president. Or a company vice president. Or a company assistant deputy assistant to the associate vice president...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2005:

George Lucas, with "Star Wars," is tryin'

for any/all marketing tie-ins.

If he'd work so frantic

on the plot mechanics

flick for once might not seen contrived.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Wow! It's a Friday the 13th!

So... Invite 13 of your closest friends to supper, die and come back to life!

Or something...

The feds are working hard with tech companies to find ways of detecting large stashes of money. For the purpose of catching shady activity by nailing those smuggling bundles of cash out of the country in luggage, etc.

One such device tests the air for money's signature chemistry. It's actually described as "sniffing" out cash.

I have an economical suggestion:

You'd think Anna Nicole Smith would be available at cut rates right about now...

So Macaulay Culkin has testified in Michael Jackson's defense, swearing that ol' Meltface didn't molest him one bit, back in the day. Proving, of course, that Michael didn't molest ONE cute white boy in particular from his past.

Also proving that Michael may be a lot of things, and I mean a LOT of THINGS, but he's not too stupid to unleash his scary sexuality on a then-highly visible celebrity boy...

The Chicago Tribune is reportedly running article ideas by focus groups.

Oh yeah. That's what the newspaper industry needs--to mimic Hollywood as a way of regaining past credibility...

Read today that Marquette University is changing its mascot. Form the Golden Eagles, or the Gold, is it or...aw, who cares?

Why don't they just become the "Marquette Verizons" or something and bring on the inevitable...

Speaking of sell-outs, and considering the recent buy-out of her defamation, shouldn't we just call her "Rosa Perks"?...

Now, even though her First Amendment-threatening legal chicanery pisses me off to no end, I feel a bit Bill O'Reilly in bashing Rosa so much lately, so I'll back off, but I came up with the bad pun outta nowhere and had to share it with you, ya' lucky bastard Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/13/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Hares

Three guys in pastel sweaters and or pastel bowtie/sport coat combo playing thinking man's, nerdy yet thoughtful rock.

And rockin' quite hard, might I add.

That's The Hares.

Enjoy.

How, you may ask?

Do I have to keep reminding you to visit the Sloop's Glantamerous Links section of the site?...

Probably.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2005:

There is a hot lush named Denise;

two hot long legs bookend her crease.

I call her "Old Navy"--

she so craves love gravy

her bush is like Performance Fleece.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Some cat named Cap Lessne has a new book.

It's "in the news" because he once dated Katie Couric, contemporary literature needing a celebrity angle for that.

The book describes some sexual antics with Katie.

Real no-no, dickhead.

If a chick does bedroom cartwheels for you, that's to be encouraged. Although you might not like thinking about it at the time, that chick may move on someday and the next guy will be dating yet another sexual-antic-non-friendly woman.

Even chicks you, Cap, may one day date will perhaps hear about a book like yours and decide to curb their own sweet-lovin'-circus acts, consciously or not.

We're all in this together. Sort of.

Do they know about the Guy Code in your country, Cap? In my experience, many foreigners have girlified too much to follow it while those from some countries follow it too strictly.

Katie Couric. Bedroom aerobics.

Hmm.

Now, if you have a video, Cap, there's a whole different set of rules here...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2005:

New gadgets fill crime-fighting role

sniffin' out a cash smuggling dole

but they could save gobs

in filling the job

with now-desp'rate Anna Nicole.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Illinois has passed a law mandating stores, restaurants, what-have-you to allow customers with "special needs," like intestinal disorders, to, er, "use" the washroom, even if said washroom is dubbed "for employees only."

It was prompted by the experience of a little girl named Ally Bain who, having an intestinal disorder and not allowed to use an employee-only bathroom, crapped her pants in an Old Navy.

I've gotta imagine that her mom, and her mom alone, pushed this legal effort. In any event, the legislation is named "Ally's Law," in, er, "honor" of the young Ms. Bain.

You gotta figure that's gonna make Ally quite popular on the playground. In fact, it will probably now be a source of, er, "popularity" throughout her life.

Somehow I think she'd prefer a simple shirt: "I crapped my pants at Old Navy and all I got was this stinkin' T-shirt."

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/15/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The (Sorta) Bad Seed

When DL's Chief Limericist was a shaver... Well, as with when any of us as shavers, there were always the "bad" kids. Like the kid who stabbed the hamster with a scissors in my kindergarten class--but that was the subject of an earlier Sunday Story Time (tiptoe through the 'chives, bastards).

Unlike the hamster-stabbing boy, I suppose the (sorta) bad seed of whom I speak today may seem a little... Dennis the Menace-like? Only a true "bad seed" in a simpler time, perhaps?

Okay: He BROKE A JELLY JAR in the GROCERY STORE.

At the time, it seemed like high crime for a kid. Oh, the embarrassment! Oh, the discipline awaiting, at least when his father came home! Just how could a kid engage in such a degree of skylarking?

I don't recall whether I witnessed the now (semi-) legendary breaking of the jelly jar or whether I just heard about it from my sister, or perhaps a cousin... But we'd whisper about the deed, much like we'd whisper in high school about a girl who was rumored to be pregnant.

Anyway, this kid was the titular (Sorta) Bad Seed.

The Boy Who Broke the Jelly Jar.

(Shudder.)

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/15/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Vertiginous sagacity

Watch the dark bands

close around your heart,

as if a sad notion in your head

were physical pinions --

as if a dark stain on the coverlet

must be blood.

Watch, inactive, as love

slips by. A deeper motion moves.

Saturn is gliding into view.

Watch that yellow planet, too.

Discern its hidden landscape

(pay no attention to its rings --

ice is only one of many things).

Through years of gaseous atmosphere,

burrow down to a plain. Being crushed

by the sky. Hold to the soil

that moves at your touch.

Lift it to your lips -- as you

taste it. That's right.

Breathe it in.

Your thoughts are meeting up,

the window through which

real light streams. It goes beyond books,

yet filters through them. Pollen dust

on your fingertips. Its flower smell is gone.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2005:

Know facts--like of that place called Kyber--

but I'm no big TV imbiber

still, oft I'm amazed

some shows... Why, today

I learned that there's still damn "Survivor"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Speaking of today's Limerick, do you get the feeling that shows like "Survivor" and "The Bachelor" are just entities now, like many game shows or "The Jerry Springer Show" that, while plunging low on the public radar, will always be there, having reached a height with nowhere left to evolve, the perfect, mindless machine virtually guaranteed survival, kinda like a shark or alligator...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/16/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cardiac Haiku

Triple bypass done

Greeting you with open arms

And with all my heart

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2005:

The courts are allowing United

to dump pension system so blighted

ensuring The Dollar

keeps blue and white collar

at war--and the nation divided.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

So Newsweek has apologized for erroneously reporting that U.S. agents in Guantanamo flushed a Quaran as a way of making interrogatory time with Muslim detainees.

The original Newsweek report on the matter spurred extra social unrest in the Mid East, including anti-U.S. demonstrations in Afghanistan.

Nonetheless, don't expect Newsweek's about-face to have much effect on the hubbub. It's a bold move of integrity by the publication, of course, but for the masses in that part of the world, it doesn't justify rash behavior like, say, basing foreign policy on facts or anything...

In any event, acknowledging Newsweek's retraction would be SOOO 16th Century... Which, in this case, is a good thing, as that was when the Islamic world was on the forefront of cultural and intellectual movements, before the religious nutballs took over most positions of power...but, then again, who am I, as an American, to criticize other cultures for letting the religious nutballs take over?...

Speaking of, well...this sort of thing, not having a real peg here...Ahem.

The Dept. of Homeland Security has come up with a scanner that more or less sees through people's clothes.

This is needed, of course, to look for weapons. But it also, of course... Anybody out there get taken by the "X-Ray Glasses" scam in the back of old comic books (and for all I know, in new comic books, too)?

Hubbub, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

In answer to the ACLU, Homeland Director Michael Chertoff says he doesn't want this "endless debate."

Free and open debate, evidently, not being all that important in this his Homeland in need of protectin'...

Speaking of S&Y unwittingly assaulting any optimism left in Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, many economists now say that the United States lags behind many industrialized nations in social mobility--that is, the ability of people born into lower social and economic strata to rise.

We just invent modern concepts "freedom" and the "American Dream" to earn our spot in the Free World. The rest of you bastard countries can figure out how to utilize 'em somehow, see?...

A Muppets "Wizard of Oz" is in the works.

And Quentin Taratino is involved.

Once again begging the question: Is it Life...or merely bad sketch comedy?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2005:

Amid the mad P.C. uprisin'

I wouldn't find it too surprisin'

as team mascot names

are pushed toothless, lame

that we'll soon see shit like "Verizons."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Once again, I grab the morning newspaper to find... Let's just say "Thanks" to all the Activists Without a (Decent) Cause for making post-partum depression more visible and accepted in the public eye.

I'm not sure the situation is encouraging women to seek help for the disorder, but it sure has made baby killin' hip...

The U.S. Supreme Court has issued yet another opinion mirroring the divided state of our nation--with yet another 5-4 vote.

This one concerned the public's right to buy out-of-state wine.

Wine. Divisive.

How many of us still remember that this rift started as a "liberal vs. conservative" thing before waxing downright "Hatfield and McCoy"?...

The Department of Homeland Security has completed a six-year study and found that most corporate sabotage, usually of Web sites or other technological fare, derives from a disgruntled worker seeking revenge.

Six years. I don't even wanna know how much money it cost.

But although we can thus deduce that Homeland can't be expected to sufficiently monitor our ports for a generation or so, from all appearances it seems they got something RIGHT for a change, so maybe we should just let 'em revel in it for a while and continue to pray...

DL's been thinkin'... (Shudder)... And here's the results:

The stock market is practically tethered to the price of oil: Oil prices rise, stock market falls; oil prices fall, stock market rises. Am I correct?

Okay.

World oil supply is commonly agreed to be nearing a critical point where demand will exceed supply and, thus, the price of oil, absent occasional aberrations, will only rise.

While we've got the old Deducing Cap on, here's where the "Hmm..." Factor comes in:

President Bush is all into putting not only social security, but a host of programs, in the hands of the stock market.

Think twice before really letting that set in, for, as we continue, that frown's bound to turn upside-down because it's Wednesday, which means it's time for our...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/18/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Frozen Burrito Tips

My first tip: Buy frozen burritos.

Sure, they're nothing like an authentic restaurant and/or home cooked burrito. Perhaps they need a different name altogether ("Perhaps they need a different name")...but that's not of DL's concern at this point in time. Point being, they are delightful and usually under a buck. In fact, they're often on sale in grocery stores at a near-obscene level of bargain--I've actually seen "five for a buck"! And they're tasty, too--again, not like a restaurant's or those mama used to make, but in their own way.

Tip Number Two: Chimichanga.

Thaw those puppies. Fry 'em until crispy in oil. One thing my high school cafeteria ladies got right.

Tip Number Three:

Buy the "mild" variety--even if you like "hot."

I don't know what they do to add spice to them, and they already have questionably identifiable ingredients so... Trust me. If you want hot, get it from your salsa, or, as I'd personally recommend, jalopenos.

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin'/Eat It is in no way responsible for gastro-intestinal accidents resulting from its recommendations...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2005:

Today, our Chief Limericist's thanking

stars for one more year and its spanking.

So, chicks, pat his bottom

(dig nails, if you got 'em)--

but reach 'round and give him a yanking!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Yes, today IS the Chief Limericist's birthday, giving DL the right to a cheezy edition but, since these editions are put together on the day previous to their dates, the well-deserved descent into Cheeze will probably come tomorrow...

I gave myself a birthday present in the form of a visit to the local candy store, where I blew $20 and acted like a kid in a... well, how 'bout a pervert in a porn emporium?

Ahem.

That's MY way of celebrating.

It's cheaper than skydiving with a hooker, I suppose...

Now, there aren't too many news stories that qualify for this honor, but here's one of the type that should have news sources nationwide clamoring for the expert opinion of Daily Limerick:

A Boston man's 1997 lawsuit alleging "sex injury" by his ex-girlfriend has been thrown out by a third Massachusetts court, in this case its appeals court.

The woman reportedly was "negligent" when she changed sexual positions, landing on him awkwardly and injuring his mini-me.

He hee.

The court found it impractical to ask judges and juries to decide upon these things, "in the absence of a consensus of community values or customs defining normal consensual conduct."

As a hetero guy, I can vouch that the general consensus of customs regarding this behavior can be summed up as: "Get as nutty as you want, foxy mama!" (Although most probably don't use phrases like "foxy mama," leading me to ask, yet again, what is indeed wrong with me.)

Of course, there are a few exceptions to this otherwise pan-acceptable "nuttiness." Animals, death, serious pain, kids, guys. Then again, I tend toward old-fashioned in my kink.

Coming back from digression: To any members of the judiciary who might be reading, first of all, I hope you ain't reading this crap on the public's dime and, secondly, Daily Limerick is available for filing addendums, amicus pocus documents, what have you, as a noted expert in this, er, field, or whatever you call it...

There are flyers, ads and the like around Chicago trumpeting a show/workshop kinda thing: improv for kids.

The Onion recently published an "advice column" called, "Ask a Seven-Year-Old With a New Jokebook." I think you can feel their fictional pain and know exactly where they're coming from.

Think that basic concept through a bit.

Then ponder long and hard the very idea of improv--the Special Olympics of comedy, in a way, considering that writing comedy is rough and, in winging it, the crowd indulges lowered expectations.

Next, sit down.

Now, mull the concept of combining these two evil forces...

Since the latest flick's competing with my birthday, in a way, let me take this opportunity to point out that the whole "Star Wars" hubbub is silly. Some of the movies have been cool but... Simmer down.

It ain't some "Generation X" thing. Unlike the Elvis and Beatles generations, we've had too much media to choose from. We've know real consensus of experience. And I'm ashamed of what threads do exist, especially with this '80s retro thing happening now.

I basically LIKE Star Wars. Even the last two entries, which were not the finest, were worth watching for the special effects and general shot to the nuts of science fantasy.

But please. Think before you act. Friends don't let friends get '80s retro...

And for an extra birthday indulgence, I've always meant to say this but haven't stumbled upon a suitable peg:

Roger Ebert's a blowhard.

Put that in your pipe and get arrested for smokin' it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2005:

Now here lies a man known for Limerick.

Took seriously?--Chances slim-rick.

He had lots to say

in own silly way...

The rhyme angle sort of a gimrick.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Be not alarmed, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! The Chief Limericist is not dead and updating the site from beyond the grave. Having had a birthday yesterday (leading to an Extra Cheezy edition today), I've been thinking about my own immortality and such and figure I should have a Limerick on my tombstone one day. Or on my memorial, as I don't think I wanna contribute to cemeterial sprawl, but that was a topic of a previous S&Y.

So take note. Until I come up with something better, or at least different, I want today's Limerick on my memorial.

Now, you'll be visited by three Limerick-bearing ghosts, beginning when the clock strikes midnight...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/20/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Read My Hips

Throngs of imaginary critics have been on my case about focusing near-exclusively on music in this section.

Today, I focus on a belly-dancing troupe. Actually, I'm trying not to focus TOO hard on Read My Hips, as it can be difficult typing with one hand.

Read My Hips is composed of, oh, a half-dozen or so hot Turkish dames and then... Well, they belly dance, as already noted. They have a bunch of elaborate routines, my favorite being the one where two of the babes, including the fun-sized blonde, fall to the floor and gyrate on their knees.

Now THAT's Entertainment.

And they're available for parties, celebrations, what-have-you. I'm looking into whether or not they'll accept a "gig" at one's abode on a lonely Friday night; will get back to ya'.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/20/2005:

> Happy Birthday...tonight we can set my guitar on fire and you can blow it

> out and make a wish....I will not however specifically be able to provide

> you with the reach around.  That I will have to leave up to my fruity

> bassist.

Wow! (The above refers to a comedy/music gig I hosted yesterday, on my birthday.)

Not sure what I'm more excited about--the flaming guitar or the flaming bassist!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2005:

A Boston man's "sex injury"

lawsuit's been tossed by Courts, times three.

His chick worked positions--

that female condition

needs one big "thumbs up" legally!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

I've oft been labeled a "curmudgeon."

Well, in actuality, that's more of a paraphrasing, witty vocabulary not exactly sweeping the nation, although I have been actually given the title "curmudgeon" in the past.

Not exactly a "people person." Although, strangely enough, I am a "power to the people" person and, in theory, I'm a people person but I've been dubbed "unapproachable" by some, which isn't fully intended but... Well, you get the idea. I'm not going to re-relate my love/hate relationship with the rest of the human race here--there's a full set o' 'chives on the site, if you're that interested.

Since my curmudgeonly nature has been pointed out, I've carried a sense of guilt about it. Fought it, even, in some instances.

But as part of my recent birthday celebration, of the unofficial resolution-making to herald another year on earth, I have decided to ditch the guilt and in fact embrace my curmudgeonly nature.

Just giving you a heads up while killing off another Cheezy Saturday edition. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, but I hope most will accept my latest steps toward "maturity."

I know it's only human nature to resist change. And that Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have grown fond of the cute and cuddly S&Y.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2005:

Newsweek, with a news report ran

than Gitmo dicks flushed a Quaran.

Though piece was retracted

unrest was enacted

so with it, the protesters ran.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Today's edition has somehow unraveled as a "fun with headlines and other labels" edition, so enjoy the accidentally themed hackery...

Recent headline:

"20 Indicted in Cigarette Smuggling; Allegedly Bought Smokes in Indiana to Sell in Illinois."

Now, what's perhaps most interesting about this story is the fact that most of those indicted, judging by their names, are of Arab descent. Prompting a politically correct guess as to what the profits from the operation were to go toward.

Thanks "tax-'em-as-a-way-of-forcin'-behavior-change" do-gooders...

From a Chicago Tribune e-mail news update service thingy:

"A Chicago man who worked as a clown at children's parties has been convicted of molesting a 4-year-old girl."

Seems common enough, I suppose. And then there's this: "Art Barnum reports."

There are many directions I could go with this. But I'm gonna Bail-ey...

Label seen on an acquaintance's prescription bottle:

"May Cause Drowsiness. Alcohol may intensify effect. Use care using machines."

Another label, of the "on second thought" variety, appeared right under the first:

"Do not drink alcoholic beverages when taking this medication."

This is as good a time as any to play "spot the lawyer involvement."

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/22/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: When DL Was A Spy

DL's Chief Limericist has worked as a private investigator. P.I. Pinkerton. Sleuth. Gumshoe. Dick... Er, let's not get carried away.

But I HAVE been employed as a private investigator. And I really should leave it at that. And I HAVE left it at that in the past, at least until after it possibly helped get him laid.

As you may surmise, there's more to this tale.

After obtaining a near-useless "Paralegal Certification" degree-type thing, landing a few small writing publication credits and pretty much deciding upon returning to college for journalism, I saw a "help wanted" ad seeking a "paralegal/journalist" for a "private investigator" position.

So I met with a small, soft-spoken, bearded, retirement-age man who appeared to be perpetually frightened. He told me up front that he didn't have a lot of money but would certainly pay something (he couldn't pay right away). He described his ordeal, which was rather exciting, and my role in it, which was rather unexciting. Being in a slacking phase of life, it seemed like a worthy move at the time. A way of phasing back into the ambition of returning to college and taking a part-time job.

So I figured I'd do a little work for the guy first, see if he'd actually pay me, see where it was leading, get something for the resume, hopefully a bit of money and... Well, I think it DID help an overall effort to get laid. Which makes it all worth it anyway.

Ben (the little man) was a psychotherapist. He once headed a multi-shrink practice in prime Michigan Avenue (Chicago) digs. But this practice operated on some property desired by folks who were...well, "mob connected," I guess you'd say? The direct mob connection was fuzzy, as such things often are by design, but that was the gist of his plight.

Ridiculously long story short, Ben was basically forced out of the property. He brought suit over it and encountered some legal misfortunes of a shady nature. So he innocently wandered into a criminal web, complained too loudly and found all sorts of trouble.

It would've been easy to write off this cat as a loony. But I did some research at the courthouse and the general gist of his story checked out. One of the judges in his case was soon after nabbed in a federal investigation for the kind of chicanery Ben alleged.

So Ben was toying with the idea of writing a book about his experience--the ol' "I'll pay ya' when the book makes money" trick. My initial job was to read over all of his stuff. See if I could find any angles he was missing. Eventually, I made some simple phone calls. He'd "ooh" and "ahh," reminding me of a cartoon character therapist I saw in an episode of "The Flintstones." I was eventually paid. Sometimes, it was coffee or tobacco; once it was about $60.

There was only one instance that I felt the excitement and danger implied in this story's title. One of the calls I made prompted suspicious behavior and Ben "ooh"-ed and "ahh"-ed and hoped he hadn't "dragged me into something bigger."

Eventually, I ended the slacking phase and used going back to school as an excuse to stop my work for Ben. No shots were fired, no strategic seductions performed, no microfilm passing hands.

But I can always say that I've worked as a private investigator.

Yet, again, I probably should have left it at that.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/22/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Cities and ships

The conversation came to a close,

the man and woman glad to have had it.

Cities and ships were evoked in the words,

the narrative providing an inner warmth.

He could picture her chest of drawers --

could almost see it through her voice --

and she? She felt the chill of the window

by his bed, just through his gestures.

Not a window warning cold --

knife-like, no; nor death in the branches --

but a darkness to share below three blankets,

meeting beneath their drowsy canopy.

All of these things passed through their minds,

animating their movements on the walk home.

The night was lent the appearance of order

and brushed the street with an intimate charge.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2005:

Word out on post-partum depression

has sure taught our nation a lesson.

Still, wish more would think

to talk to their shrink

before matricidal confession.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

So, photographs have surfaced in the British tabloid The Sun showing Saddam Hussein in his underwear.

Most times, we pass up the easy targets. But sometimes... Well:

It appears they've at last found a Weapon of ASS Destruction in Iraq!

I'll be here all week.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/23/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Vascular Haiku

Old age will bring you

Both harder arteries and

Softer erections

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2005:

Terror takes each chance it can get

to fund its aims, so you can bet

that do-gooder taxes

sure help that vague Axis

thus now they smuggle cigarettes.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

This morning, I saw a man pushing a baby cart with one hand while holding a cell phone he was yapping into with the other.

Crossing an intersection.

And, as is usual in these cases, paying very little attention to the physical world around him.

I've dubbed this sort of thing Darwinism in the past. But in this case, the baby is innocent! Or...non-stupid. Or it at least hasn't had a chance to prove itself on that level.

When I reached my bus stop, I glanced at a "See Inside" headline on my newspaper to learn that videophones are now hitting the commercial market.

Oh, we human beings WILL kill ourselves off. It might not be something as spectacular as nuclear war, but we'll kill ourselves off, all right...

Mainstream feminist groups have come out overwhelmingly in favor of banning breast implants, what with the recent FDA hearings into rupturing plasti-boobs and all.

This despite the fact that many women want to get them anyway, even knowing the risks, and that, "Reefer Madness II: Big Tobacco" logic aside, it doesn't take a team of do-gooder scientists high on grant money to postulate that putting a foreign ball of plastic or whatever into your chest carries some degree of risk.

Now. I think breast implants are a frightening trend. For that matter, I am in favor of a woman's right to choose on the issue of abortion, with a few annotations.

But... Doesn't it seem that the "woman's right to control her own body" maxim's a bit wishy-washy here?

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 5/24/2005:

Honoree: Mexican President Vicente Fox

Mexican President Vicente Fox recently pronounced that Mexican immigrants take the jobs that "not even" blacks want.

Of course, hubbub followed, including some by Hubbub Meister Jesse Jackson.

Now, we're not honoring Fox for this idea itself but only for expressing it. I sure as hell ain't goin' there, at least not full-bore, although, in seeing more than my share of say, dishwashers over the years, I can vouch that Fox's point  is at least worth looking into and/or debating.

Having such an opinion and expressing it would be one thing. But even after Jesse and others demanded an apology, Fox has refused to retract the statement.

And for that, he's getting this Award.

So I'm expecting a LETTER TO THE IDIOT in Spanish any day now.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2005:

As newspaper readership droops

the Chi-Town Tribune seeks the poop.

Jobless, stoner minions

have valued opinions

as Trib folks try out focus groups.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Again, I would never use the term "Chi-Town" unless it was the only syllable solution that would work in verse.

It's a bit like "alas" or "verily" or "lo!" or something.

Except it's not especially poetic. And the term shouldn't exist, really, but as long as it does...well, I guess I still shouldn't use it but... Just leave me alone, okay?...

A headline in yesterday's newspaper informed me that "States Don't Have to Buy Rapists Viagra."

One of those stories that sounds positive for a second until you think for a moment...

Mexican President and, more importantly DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 5/24/2005-winner Vicente Fox refused yet again to apologize for his remarks about Mexican immigrants taking jobs that "not even" blacks want. This time, to Al Sharpton.

Sharpton said this was okay, as Fox "did not have the intent of creating any offense."

Call me cynical, but does anybody else get the funny feeling Al wouldn't be so nice about this if Fox weren't "of color" himself?...

You got me. Crappy edition today.

Lo!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/25/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Cheez-It

The first baked cheeze cracker I ever tasted was Cheez-It.

I continued to crave Cheez-It, and have partook of it many times over the years. In fact, this is one of those rare instances were the shill-line "accept no imitations" rings true.

I've tried other brands. I won't name 'em.

They don't come close.

S&Y--taking ads?

No. But the Sunshine Biscuits, LLC, is good for it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2005:

Now fem'nists say, "Ban the implants!"

A strange philosophical dance!

They've right to their bodies

'less it turns one hottie

causing quest to enter her pants.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Just a reminder:

The opinions expressed in today's Limerick do not necessarily reflect the views of our, er, "editorial board."

That is, as far as the Chief Limericist is concerned, the existence of non-bouncing, eerily moving plastic globules inside a woman in fact knocks her DOWN on his attractiveness scale.

I've said it countless times before, I know. But for the benefit of new Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, or long-term ones with poor mammary, I thought I'd nip any ideas to the contrary in the bud...

The American Family Association has just dropped a nine-year boycott of Disney, largely over Disney's Miramax subsidiary and its benefits program, which includes "domestic partners."

It seems... Well, you haven't heard or seen any reports of Disney quaking in its financial boots, have you?

Plus, it was about time for them to get "American Family Association" back in the news again, and you know what they say about good v. bad publicity...

Speaking of good news, the NBA's "playoffs" have taken a huge hit in the ratings this year.

Which I THINK is good news. Then again, the NHL hasn't even mentioned its second regular season masquerading as playoffs as a possible cause of its woes, so who knows?...

I guess we're out of good news. But, as yet another harbinger of the DL/S&Y dubbed "Age of Such Cynicism and Apathy that Government, Corporations and Other Entities Don't Even Bother Hiding Bad Intentions," in dire need of a catchier title... Well, Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, and his puppet City Council and administration, are under serious fire for all sorts of malfeasance lately.

Backed into a corner, finding it hard to deny much of the allegations, some city aldermen are actually DEFENDING ideas like patronage jobs.

The old saying says the enemy you know is better than the one you don't.

Flimsy silver lining, I know...

A Gallup polls finds that 76 percent of respondents don't mind the teaching of Creationism in schools.

I guess eliminating science is one way to raise students' science scores...

Now here's something they truly should teach in schools but don't:

Bad handwriting can pay off if you keep a personal notebook of any sort. At least when anybody else tries reading it.

I'm not sure how to teach bad handwriting but... Come to think of it, I think most big-city school systems could actually do a bang-up job at that...

Got a new chair at my primary part-time place of employ today.

It's a blue suede chair.

I knew this when I selected it from among the cheapest office chairs available from the office supply companies. But it didn't truly dawn on me until I put it together yesterday.

Blue Suede.

Don't you go steppin' on it...

Just a note to any "entertainment journalists" reading:

There should be more to your job than reporting on things that "come to you" via press release.

What? Oh, you've got it all wrong.

It's "Freedom of the Press." Just "press." No R-word in there, Mr. Us Magazine "reporter."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2005:

New compact-ish video phone

will shrink and soon masses will own.

Gets tougher, surviving

when we're merely driving--

I'll soon wish most are merely stoned.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

A story in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times was headlined: "Drug Firms Could Get Big Say in Med Research Results."

In general, this qualifies as a common type of stories that can be filed under "D." For "Duh!"

However, it did paint a picture of just how frightening it all is. According to a survey, 50 percent of doctor/drug researchers allowed drug companies to draft the reports "they" wrote up on the companies' drugs, 25 percent allowed Big Medicine to provide "data" and, as overall general policy, all or most allowed the sponsors to own the data (for use as they saw fit) and to have a "right to review."

This, however, may be the most troubling sentence from the story, early-on, describing the survey:

"...according to a survey that some doctors found troubling..."

SOME doctors?

What about the rest of 'em? Can't land that primo "research" money?

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 5/27/2005:

Michelle Mello. Conducted the above survey.

And:

Shelley and Eric Breedlove.

Parents of quadruplets.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/27/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Planetary Blues

You're not really expecting me to say something tangible in this section, are you?

Planetary Blues rocks.

Oh, and the roughly shaven lead singer guy chain-smokes hand-rolled cigarettes, if that's worth something to you.

And he goes on and on, wide-eyed, about artistic integrity, our current vacant consumer culture, etc.

But he does so intelligently. Which makes it all a plus.

See, they started as a blues band, but then went beyond that. So they don't fit a mold. (A clichéd way of describing a band, but in this case true.) Now, they can play stuff like Chicago's "Blues Fest" as well as local alty gigs.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2005:

In summer, can be hard to handle

seein' those chicks in strappy sandals.

They're nice decoration

for the fornication

to grace ankles used as pump handles.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

New research indicates that Viagra may cause blindness.

Hmm.

Well, there's the ol' folk wisdom that says...but I guess, and hope, most Viagra-poppers actually have a partner ready before throwin' 'em down.

Hmm.

Maybe it's intentional. I mean, considering the increasing girth of our nation, a vision problem would probably horn me up quite a bit.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2005:

It seems now Viagra affects

one's eyesight to help one with sex--

amid mid-life crises

chicks otherwise dicey

instead cause love muscle to flex.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

This "See Inside" headline started it:

"FRENCH OPEN: Venus Williams Ousted by 15-year-old Bulgarian."

Self-explanatory, no?

So I look to the story and see that the Bulgarian in question is hot little Sesil Karatantcheva.

Well, actually she isn't all that hot. Which is good, considering she's fifteen and our sex drives are supposed to recognize societal rules. (At midnight on her 18th birthday--actually, 17th in Illinois--she can mysteriously all-of-a-sudden become attractive.)

In any event, this provides a good lead-in to an edition that has somehow managed to focus largely on "personal"-esque matters, aka the S&Y Psychiatric Couch (which is almost done fumigating--see the 'chives), which is fine on a Sunday as we already feature Sunday Story Time.

Apparently, this is a Special Digression edition, as well.

But more importantly, the Venus Williams story provides a peg for a pun I've had in the ol' Pun Closet for a while.

I dated a Bulgarian once and would often remark on how she affected by "Bulge Area." And so that's how I pronounced "Bulgaria" and all its forms.

Almost fell over reaching for that damn pun...

As DL/S&Y sorta, kinda emulates the Big Boy publications, I suppose Sunday is a good time for a more introspective look at the news.

I've noticed that an anti-science attitude is now bipartisan.

My guess is that political "sides" have historically dwelt primarily in dogma and theory and, with science exploring pretty much everything these days, facts are getting in the way of political stances more and more amid both groups of partisan knuckleheads .

It's most obvious among the "conservatives"--stem cell research, studies showing homosexuality as biological and not a choice, etc.

But, as I've pointed out before, the Center for Disease Control, for instance, stopped releasing data on "secondhand smoke" harm about a year ago and, well, politicians are still citing such "data" as a way of seeking to ban smoking in the otherwise Health Haven settings of taverns, primarily as a way for politicians to divert the public eye from their hands in the money jar.

It's this elitist insistence on the rest of the world living a "proper" lifestyle that's the real reason the Democrats are going down the toilet, from Gore onward. But that's another topic altogether.

Still, if you're looking for a downer in your Sunday media selections, here you go: Pseudo Science is only going to increase from here on out...

Somebody said to me semi-recently, "I didn't know you gargled."

Yes. Ugly little secret. I'm not sure my family would be accepting of the fact, so keep it quiet...

Having been through a divorce recently, prompted in part by reasoning by the order party of "I didn't get that heavy dating 'out of my system'"--and let's not get TOO close to the damn Couch--I just feel like saying that whole line and genre of reasoning is a load of crap.

If you really, truly need something "out of your system," drink a bunch of water or get a freakin' colonic.

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 5/29/2005:

Rosemary Humway-Warmuth

A copper who busted some poor fool in North Carolina for wearing a Grinch mask around town.

Doesn't seem to be a crime, I know. But laugh at the name. Bastards.

Why, oh why is this feature not-so-regular anymore?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/29/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Sassy Neighbor

I have a neighbor of the fluctuating attractiveness sort.

Sometimes I see her and think "hubba hubba." Sometimes I see her and think, "eh."

The other day she knocked at my door with a question about the building's exterminator schedule.

I noted that she looked "sassy."

That was the first word that came to mind. And it was the best word to describe her attitude an appearance, even upon further thought. Not sure why.

Anyway, I came up with the catchphrase, "I'll sass your sassy ass with my Love Sassafras."

Feel free to use that one. Keep me up on your results, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/29/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Time-elapsed photography

What hides outside the frame is not as pressing

as what lies within. Ourselves, bedded down

in a fire. Our outlines glimmer, shiver,

riverwater passing beneath a fiery bridge,

where bursting color is picked up nearest the flames

and dropped again further on, back to the dull,

sleepy rush of current. We press against ourselves

and the coals. It makes a magnificent light, outdoing

the shadows of the trees in summer (blooming towers), fall

(shrinking, falling threads and paper plates), winter (

why death, because) and that other season (growing

a few inches in what the sky lays down). It's calm

here, and fragile -- our strength is delicate.

Our hope is that the clock, while traveling its orbit,

will keep us close to our cause. That when embers

float away from the greater whole, they fly up swimming

into the sky which, backwards, is the river, and we,

tresseling the path, the bridge we built to cross.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2005:

Memor'yal Day, late vets shant lack

respects paid for count'ring attacks

and fighting just wars--

I even implore

same for those killed off in Iraq.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Sadly, today's holiday has, if unofficially, been expanded to honor those killed in traffic fatalities. (And I mean "sadly" on a mix of levels, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.)

So in honor of those who've lost their lives, say, when some chowderhead had pulled out in front of them, blissfully unaware of surroundings, by reason of radio-changing or makeup-putting-on or speeding or cell phoning or masturbation or over simple "duh"-itude, I offer this proposition:

Traffic cops. On sidewalks and in grocery stores. Armed with billy clubs and unafraid to use them even--nay, especially--on lollygagging seniors and women with mis-weaned children!

Hmm.

Okay. I'm comparing annoyance to actual death.

But why can't DL get in on this cheapening of the culture that's all the rage?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/30/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Anxiety Haiku

Hypochondriac

Golfer has mixed feelings when

He is under par

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2005:

Republicans, feeling quite flustered,

tried banning the ol' filibuster

'cause Dems blocked judge votes--

yet when in same boat

they threw 'em at Clinton in clusters.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2005:

It's May and you know what THAT means! Skin is back, so enjoy your girl and/or guy watching with a head full o' Limerick and nonsense! The site's complete--minus a decent design element, anyway--with the entire history archived and it has been submitted to search engines. Why, you'd almost think DL is semi-legit...

Quote headline, from an interview story:

"Male Nudity's So Much More Taboo."

Yup. And let's keep it that way...

While we're on the topic... Saw a cover of a magazine the other day, trumpeting fitness tips from "America's Fittest Firefighters," with a cover bearing revealing images of said firemen, prompting me to ask... Why doesn't Men's Health re-name itself "Gay Men's Health" and cop to the demographic?

***

LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 5/31/2005:

Mary Jane Butters.

Cookbook author.

 

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