Daily Limerick
Archives: November 2005

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 11/1/2005:

Sylvester Stallone wants to grow

directing the movie on "Poe."

What--is he insane?

'Less he grows a brain

just one more flick destined to blow.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/1/2005:

White Sox Kick Champion Ass!...

Okay, the Modern Liberal party line is that a disproportionate percentage of minorities are in the military and, thus, fighting in Iraq.

Happened upon the statistics of those killed in Iraq last weekend: 11 percent Hispanic and 25 percent minority overall.

Now, the black percentage of the overall population is somewhere around 12 percent. Add that to the Hispanic and... That makes for 23 percent. Figure Asians, Native Americans and such into the equation and... Well, the death toll over there close to mirrors the face of the U.S.

Disappointing for Modern Liberal Dogma, but there is a bright side:

Here in 2005 we have reached the Utopian ideal of... An equal right to die in a deceptively pushed, resource wasting, fruitless and unjust war!...

You've probably seen the ads for coordinated activities by the group: "The World Can't Wait: Drive Out the Bush Regime."

Well, er... Sorry, the world will HAVE to wait another few years. Why don't you spend that money and effort figuring out how to avoid... Well, whatever you call the plague that was the last two Democratic presidential candidates...

Oh, and to all the wannabe righteous:

While riding one's bike and/or public transportation may be a healthful, frugal and/or convenient endeavor, you're not saving the planet.

So knock that smug rictus off your puss.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/2/2005:

Med pot friendly town, Santa Cruz,

made "Office of Compass'nate Use"

for pot "distribution,"

but what's their solution

for "Guy's Unreliable Blues"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/2/2005:

White Sox Kick Champion Ass!...

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, on Democrats taking understandable pot shots at the party in power's misdeeds seeing public light:

"If people want to try and politicize this process, that's their business."

"Politicize," he says.

For, of course, there's nothing "political" whatsoever about a chief aide to the President of the United Freaking States leaking classified information about somebody who stood in the way of making a case for war.

Completely trivial, personal matter. No politics anywhere near this little scandal, no sir...

Columbus, Ohio lawyer Stephen Linnen is attempting to get his law license back after a little manner in which he was arrested for sneaking up on women and taking pictures of them.

Nude.

Oh, the women weren't nude. He was nude, meaning he's got the whole philosophy backwards, which is why I don't think Linnen should be allowed to represent ANYBODY in ANY capacity EVER again...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/2/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Shaking the Post-Holiday Blahs

So Halloween's over and many of us are walking around a bit depressed. Gone, for another year, is a socially acceptable excuse for the otherwise "manly" man to wear a sundress.

But here's a tip for filling the void:

There are aisles and aisles of Halloween candy that's been seriously marked-down.

Perhaps some marked-down, size 15 1/2 pumps are out there, too.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/3/2005:

"Star" of WNBA

came out of the closet as gay

which might cause a fuss

if much more of us

even knew that league was in play.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/3/2005:

So, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid has led a big ol' honkin' closed session to look into the validity of the Bush Team's claims and methods of leading the country into the disastrous Iraq War.

Yesterday.

Next up on Reid's agenda: The Senate Intelligence Committee looking into Joseph McCarthy's anti-communism methods...

Bush is putting together a plan to combat this alleged Bird Flu that's gonna kill every last one of us. One thing he'd like to accomplish is a new, more efficient system of distributing vaccines in general.

Wasn't there talk of small pox and other disease-spreading plots just after 9-11?

There were other priorities, of course. Names to leak, fictional weapons reports to workshop...

Yo journalists!

Stop giving PETA press.

Knock if off.

It's general practice to ignore the whacktoast.

Do you mention press releases all the time from the Flat Earth Society?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/4/2005:

NOW Dem Senate Chief, Harry Reid,

with slow-ass reaction turns peeved

and calls special session

for Iraq War fessin'

for scams of...Two-Thousand and Three?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/4/2005:

Wal-Mart is sponsoring an economic conference today on the topic of Wal-Mart and its effects on the economy, communities, workers‚ rights and such.

This would be easy to write off were it not for the fact that Wal-Mart is inviting big name economics experts and professors who are likely to say some less than PR-friendly things about the retail monstrosity.

So I find myself...well, having to give kudos to Wal-Mart for its honesty, objectivity and commitment to facing up to the Truth.

Yeesh. I hope this kinda thing catches on, among other corporations at least, and--call it indulging Utopian ideals--perhaps even among our government or, if you'll allow me to get especially crazy, our Major Media...

Stoked on the success of Modern Liberal Prude-ism in whack-job city councils and state governments nationwide, the AMA is taking its push to circumvent the free market (while giving Big Mother multiple orgasms) through smoking bans in "public spaces" (curiously privately owned) to Congress.

Which is a good sign. (And, by the way, that last paragraph was one ridiculous sentence. I'm aware of this but sticking with it, nonetheless.)

It's a good sign because the courts will, in the end, strike the bans down. One such case is in fact just waiting to be appealed upward in the Northern California-based Federal appellate court.

So consider this a lighthouse amid all the gloom of "intelligent design," "abstinence-only," "marijuana is a hard drug" poppycock. In a free society--which we're still in, for the most part--secondhand science tends to lose in the end...

Snippet from a widespread ad for a dating service/Web site/whatever-the-hell:

"Meet Someone Your Friends HAVEN'T DATED."

I can't help but chime in that OF COURSE your friends haven't dated these people! Unless, of course, you have some friends chopped up in forest preserves...

And you've gotta admit that it's been a while since I threw out a version of the "forest preserve" gag, anyway...

The other night, in a local bar, I happened across a men's room sink with a filthy ass hot water handle.

So... Wash hand; turn off water; notice hand dirty; turn water back on; wash hand; turn off water and again, dirty hand... Hmm.

I thought it made a nice metaphor. For life. Or for something.

Hmm, indeed.

Then again, things somehow seem more profound in men's restrooms at bars, don't they?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 11/4/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Revelator

Holy crap.

That's what I said when I first saw Revelator.

I think. Among other things.

The singer is...well, a very large black chick. I don't mean that in a derogatory way or anything, but it's empirically true. It's a fact that she's much larger than the average chick. I think she's actually larger than the average guy.

Her body is in more of a Queen Latifa mold. Not my thing, but there's a generous market, of sorts, for a woman like her. Especially when you throw in the amazing, booming, octave-stretching voice she has.

Which brings me back to, "Holy crap."

She's also theatrical as all hell. And at this point, I wish I'd taken the effort to actually get her name to help describe things here... But, I swear, she danced and cavorted and moved around with conviction, energy and limberness rare in some Fiona Apple-sized wriggler.

Her band more than amply kicked buttocks, too, although it was a bit tough to stick out from...Her. You could tell that the style, both of the music overall and of Her voice, only began with a blues direction and came out much heavier and jam-oriented. Yet Her voice chimes into the jam as its own instrument, oft soloing.

(Wow! I'm mixing tenses, too, but given the nature of this section and the nature of, well, Revelator, I'm gonna let this go, too.)

Well, enough about them already! If you've read this far and haven't decided to check 'em out, I guess you've just got no soul or something.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/5/2005:

A nerdy young virgin stockbroker

got hip and became a jock/coker

then got a chick naked

but coke high did make it

too soft to, at long-last, cock-poke her.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/5/2005:

Today's Limerick is, accidentally I'll admit, perhaps one of the world's first PSLs.

That is, Service Limerick.

Send donations care of the All the World's a Nantucket Foundation.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/6/2005:

Bush thinks bird flu threat calls for change

in how vaccine distro's arranged.

Guess bio threat mentioned

since '01 was less than

that from Dubya-M-D-less reign.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/6/2005:

In Chicago, around a certain three-street intersection, there is the omnipresent, distinct scent of chocolate. This is because the Blommer Chocolate factory is in the area.

Now, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency is on Blommer's case, arguing that its emissions are dangerous to breathe.

Satisfied, do-gooders?

Now we have a War on Secondhand Chocolate...

Was reading a bit about Louis Farrakhan recently, tying into his recent Millions More March on Washington, and found that some are questioning his recent allegiance to rappers with deep pockets.

But the more I ponder the situation, the more I wonder, "What's the big deal?"

After all, aren't most prominent Islamic leaders kinda expected to glorify violence and degrade women?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/6/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Trick-or-Treating in August

When I was in grade school, my best friend and I, always up for bizarre behavior to stick out (and perhaps get attention), went... Well, see the title.

I don't even remember what the hell costumes we wore. We only went to a few houses, but did haul in a piece or two of candy and a penny each. So, despite people looking at us funny and even questioning why we were trick-or-treating in the summer, according to our experiment, people will nonetheless always give children in costume candy, if they're asking for it.

Or at least a penny.

Let me know how it works out for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers as adults.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/6/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: I don't want to

The roofbeams are falling from high, oh carpenter.

Hammer the joists into

place. Sand melted into glass -- the windows, leaning,

created by a desert lightning storm. Or a bomb test?

The truth is much more truthful than these assertions,

but less powerful. The truth always seems to need a hand,

a strut, something to lean on. Turning the front page,

while listening to bacon sizzling in the hot fat of other slices'

juices. It's going to be a delicious breakfast, and

nothing will ruin it. Sometimes I turn to the window

and watch your building taking shape, your workmen

passing hammers or tapping their knuckles against their plastic

helmets as though knocking on doors that should be opening.

I don't understand why that is so funny.

You're close to the sky -- is that why you took to this job,

to see the height of what you're nailing into place,

the undeniable physicality -- the truth, then -- of your enterprise?

I don't want to know. But I will think these things,

and be glad that I did.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/7/2005:

The News finds it so hard to beat-a

infotainment folks find so neat-a

so should stick with what it's

known for--like its ethics--

and ignore whack peddlers, like PETA.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/7/2005:

At one time, some few brave leaders and politicians came forth and denounced the pigeonholed, conformist thinking of stereotyping, only to guarantee their scorn and ridicule.

By the '90s, we overreacted to prejudice by dancing upside down and backward to avoid stereotyping.

So that today, congressmen like Mark Kirk (R-Ill.) are scorned and ridiculed for saying that it's okay to discriminate--in the form of affording extra scrutiny--against young men from certain Muslim countries as it concerns obtaining visas.

All for bucking the pigeonholed, conformist thinking of anti-stereotyping.

Funny how that works, isn't it?...

Headline from yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Restaurants Gave $150K to Smoking Ban Foe"

Oh, and the smoking ban proponents HAVEN'T injected the discussion with major dollars. It's not like they've run "Just Say No"-ish fright ads all over the freakin' TV or anything, no sir...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 11/7/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Psycho Haiku

When you're so annoyed

That you are beside yourself,

Are you pair annoyed?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/8/2005:

Some say Farrakhan needs a thinnin'

of posse--rap stars are, like Flynn, in.

What's strange 'bout a leader

of Muslims who teeters

toward vi'lence and degrading women?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/8/2005:

So the country of Azerbaijan conducted parliamentary elections on Sunday and, noted for questionable election fairness in the past, got some help from the U.S., which sponsored an exit poll.

No word on whether or not we also sponsored numerous television stations jumping the gun and declaring, and consequently undeclaring, various shot-in-the-dark result prognostications...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/9/2005:

There are wild, full-on riots in France.

A bit harsh--but 'round Truths, leaders dance.

Whe'er Chirac, Bush or Blair

lives of Poor grow less fair

and the Emperors walk 'round sans pants.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/9/2005:

So Philadelphia Eagles football, er, star, Terrell Owens has been suspended for the season due to his various, mostly off-field antics and most sports pundits believe this likely ends not only his Eagles career but his NFL career altogether.

Most bothersome is the fact that he's being referred to as "troubled."

Now, he's not the only one bearing this unfortunately popular label of our Victim Society, but he makes for a fine example of how pathetic our "Therapy"/Medical-Industry's-Got-Us-By-The-Balls world has become.

I guess, oh, radio waves from some evil planet have "troubled" Owens into the various whiny and butt-headed public statements he's made. Oh, and a little bird must have "troubled" him into fighting with a teammate in the locker room, as well.

Lil' Kim, Kate Moss, Michael Jackson... Why even bother naming names. There are just too many. You can throw a rock in Hollywood and have a 1 in 4 chance of hitting one.

Point is this: We need to return to the sanity of a non-wussified age. Drop the "d." They're not "troubled"; they're simply "Trouble"...

Having suffered some damage to his image in the public eye, Tom Cruise is replacing his publicist, Lee Anne DeVette, who happens to be his sister, with a PR Powerhouse--aka, Bullshit Guru--Paul Bloch.

Wouldn't want to do anything rash, like, oh, stop being such a whackjob to improve his image, I suppose...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/9/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pre-Made Egg Salad Sandwiches

Concerning the title of today's edition... I don't know why I buy 'em from the convenience stores.

Don't know why at all.

Must say, however, that I've never been burned on one. Never wretched horribly over one and have always enjoyed 'em.

But I always pause at the checkout when buying one, nonetheless. It seems a dangerous game.

Then again, I'm a man of danger. Especially when it doesn't harm me.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/10/2005:

Tom Cruise hired a new publicist

'cause pub image took a dark twist

and a pro BS-er

leaves Tom with less pressure--

whacked antics too hard to resist.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/10/2005:

A new, opulent shopping mall in Afghanistan has some up in arms, claiming that the poor are being given a short shrift in the newly reworked nation.

Touche, all of you doubting the nation's ability to achieve an American-style Democracy...

In a related story (S&Y will shortly show you how)... The Kansas Board of Education has approved the teaching of "Intelligent Design" in the state's public schools.

Touche, all of you doubting our nation's ability to achieve an Afghanistan-style level of scientific ignorance...

Los Angeles‚ All Saints Episcopal Church is under investigation by the IRS for "getting political" and thus jeopardizing its nonprofit status.

It seems its reverend, George F. Regas, gave an anti-war speech just before the 2004 election, although he named no candidates‚ names.

Hmm. A religious leader preaching against war? Can't have that or, next, they'll be throwing out that "Thou Shalt Not Kill" propaganda...

Read of two women suing a dating service in a Manhattan court and... Well, details really don‚t matter, for Slapper Yapper Grasshopper purposes. Suffice it to say that I learned New York has a "Dating Services Law."

In an age of constantly shrinking government budgets, S&Y says we should lump dating service customers in with others of a similar bent--like those buying goods when prompted by spam, telemarketing or mass mailings--and cover 'em with a "No Government Aid for Flaming Freaking Morons Law"..

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/11/2005:

To honor, live and passed away,

those serving our country, Bush plays

war games with real Death--

2,000 last breaths

in vain--Happy Veteran's Day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/11/2005:

So, Illinois Senator Barack Obama--you know, the Democratic Party's rising star, the guy who's gonna inject some new excitement and ideas into the struggling party and help significantly differentiate the Dems from the GOP to avoid the miserable failures of the last two elections--is seizing upon some prune-stoking survey about an increase in sexual content on TV and proclaiming that if the Entertainment Industry "fails to act...Congress will."

Wow! The next presidential election will be in 2008. Even for the modern Democratic Party, they're sure flushing this opportunity down the drain early...

By the way, does anybody recall the V-chip? It was legislatively required to be built into any TV set in the '90s to help parents ferret out violent and/or sexual content in TV shows? The whole idea caused a big hubbub?

Just wondering...

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez is touring the country blathering on about the Bush Admin's belief that judges shouldn't pay any attention to decisions of foreign courts, citing such hideous travesties of justice as, oh, say, the Supreme Court's overturning of the State of Texas‚ ban on homosexuality, to "bolster" his psychobabble.

Okay. We invented the modern concepts of Democracy. Many other nations are advancing them. But it's OUR JOB to go backwards. Got that?...

Today is that day, special to some...er, special to few, known as "Eleven Eleven Day."

S&Y has an interesting tale about that.

See the archives.

Oh, and there's a nice tip for navigating said 'chives on the main archive page now, munchpumps...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 11/11/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Lucent Man

To get an idea of the musical stylings of Lucent Man, imagine that Syd Barrett continued as lead man for Pink Floyd through the '70s, allowing other members (mainly Roger Waters) to guide the band's evolution to a point, but continuing his mad genius direction as well.

I'm not sure that's how Lucent Man would describe themselves. But there ya' go...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/12/2005:

An immigrant came 'cross the sea

to U.S.--good Cath'lic was he.

Would not masturbate

'til, fresh here, quite late

he happened 'pon Spanish TV.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/12/2005:

Headline:

"Baptists Serve Record 10.5 Million Meals"

Meals, by the way, to Katrina victims.

Wow. Commendable.

It's about time organized religions in the U.S. set about doing something

other than bashing gays, preventing sex and annotating the First Amendment...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/13/2005:

Dem Golden Boy Barack Obama

threatens playing papa and mama--

curb TV's Free Speech!

Once hero, now's reached

a freedom threat, dwarfing Osama's.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/13/2005:

Al-Qaida claimed that this week's suicide bombings at Jordanian hotels included the work of a married couple.

Jordan denies that a woman was involved.

Hmmm... Wild claims, extremist Muslims...wild claims, extremist Muslims...hmm... Aha!

Now THAT explains Farrkhan's "March" estimates!...

As part of Veterans Day festivities, local media have spotlighted military folk who are NOT pissed-off that they ended up fighting the Iraq War.

A commendable attitude, of course. I mean, who'd think that, in joining the FREAKIN' MILITARY, you could end up in some sort of dangerous situation while just trying to score some college money?...

I mentioned earlier this week that our nation is in a bad way when folks start taking raving nutballs, like those at PETA, seriously.

So, now that PETA's on Dick Cheney's ass because he went pheasant hunting... Well, although I hate to side with the Dick for any reason, S&Y must advise you:

Take up hunting and blast a pheasant! Even if you don't like the taste of pheasant!

And, to circumvent actually inciting any illegal activity, we also advise you to just PRETEND the pheasants are PETA members...

Ashlee Simpson says that she wants a man who, unlike her sister Jessica's, isn't famous.

Because, as you know, Jessica's married to Noel...er, Joe, is it, um... That guy from the... One of the boy bands. Not a big one like N'Sync or Backstreet but... You know, what's-his-face? Trust me, he's REAL famous...

Ashlee may, however, want to reconsider. It can take time to find a soul mate, even a celebrity "soul mate" and, well, I've gotta inform ya' there Ashlee, you're on fourteen and a half minutes about now...

From my TV Grid:

"ET on MTV."

"ET" being "Entertainment Tonight." Famous for shamelessly shilling Tineseltown fare and licking celebrity ass.

So, for that time slot, MTV undergoes a change...how, exactly?...

Letter to a knucklehead "advice columnist":

"When I got sober a year ago, my sex life with my wife went from zero to

60--loving, caring and fun. But two months into it, she stopped

cold--nothing since.

"Could she have liked me better drunk? I'm still clean but I never get

'marital relations.'

"CLEAN BUT UNAPPRECIATED"

Now, without beating a dead horse about this, as S&Y has done over the years, this man's problem is emblematic of many things in our society--our failed approach of drug "treatment," our Victim Society... All stemming from the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and its spin-off programs.

See, the 12 Steps claim to be "non-religious" while encouraging members to "turn their lives over to a Higher Power," attend endless religious meetings to dwell in a problem for a lifetime rather than getting over it and, in general, turning folks into a quasi-form of religious whackjob through grassroots-y methods.

So this guy's wife probably WOULD prefer him as a drunk.

And what does the "advice columnist" do? Advise that he get his wife to attend meetings of Al-Anon--a program that takes people who are friends and family of addicts and convinces them that they, too, need to turn their lives over to God, because they, too, perhaps through osmosis, somehow have the unproven "disease"--unproven at the cost of millions a year in studies, to boot.

The whole hopeless situation is enough to drive one to drink.

Which, considering the billions raked in by the 12-Step-charged "treatment" industry, is probably the point...

Advertisement:

Stress relief NOW!

Hmm. Not a bad idea. But I saw that at WORK, and I don't think my coworkers or boss would appreciate my masturbating just NOW...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/13/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Vignette of the "Blogster"-esque

I will try to adequately convey through words an "act" I witnessed this week:

A heavily-potbellied, bearded, unkempt man in a funny hat and "Jewish Mother" T-shirt is introduced to the audience. Taking the stage, now in the spotlight, he spends a good three minutes or more "setting up"--which includes organizing a pile of instruments and assorted noisemakers and also setting up four Furby dolls, front and center, on chairs.

(For those who've forgotten this once marketed-to-all-hell-and-thus-everybody-had-to-have-it toy, the Furby, it has moveable facial features, a voicebox and some kind of electronic memory, as it supposedly "learns" from one's talking and interacting thus "interacts" back at you.)

Then the guy held up a bunch of notecards to introduce his "Symphony for Furby," in some key it wasn't really in, and thusly dedicated it to Israeli politician Shimon Peres which... Didn't make a lot of sense, other than as a convenient way of making a political "statement" without actually doing it through the art. That's my guess, anyway.

So he went from Furby to Furby, and in front and back of the group of them, making noises--I say that because, although he had musical instruments, he didn't know how to play any of them. In fact, he couldn't even blow correctly to get a note out of his trumpet and... Well, that ties into my overall point here.

A Furby symphony? Creative idea with lots of potential but... It was all half-assed. Not to mention unorganized and ill-planned. And the Furby's weren't even miked properly. Plus, he dragged out what might have been a great five- or ten-minute gag act over a half-hour. Oh, and he forgot to put the "gag" in "gag act" on top of it.

I introduced the guy and the main thing he wanted to plug was his blog. Which happens to be on "blogspace," where general wannabe bloggers go to express themselves to the world without actually bothering to get their own Web site or anything.

Oh, and the name of his blog? Long, unwieldy and nearly impossible to remember. You'd have to write it down. Which nobody in attendance did.

Which all brings me to the Big Point of this story:

Do you understand now why I'm almost ashamed to admit that this is, technically, a "blog"?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/13/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Licking wounds

Your failed policy of global

democracy, atavastic war,

leaves behind rooms full of

classified files, some of which

you have had destroyed.

What has risen stubbornly to surface

has been a blow to your political career,

and will lead to more

hand-wringing in the

editorial pages. Meanwhile,

on the front pages,

a floor is soaked with blood.

It isn't ours. No planes, then,

full of little boxes, airborne

rooms, .

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/13/2005:

> Seems a bit disrespectful to the families of the deceased that when you google

> search their name, your dumb ass website comes up along with some asinine stab

> at their name. As if the obituaries are the logical place for your "writers" (if

> you can even be called that) to search for their material.  I'm just glad that

> mother was not the one who found her dead father's name used as a joke.  Good

> work.

Now, mind you, I don't know exactly to what this woman refers. But I would venture to guess that... Well, here was my initial reply:

> I do not know to exactly what you refer. I will have you know, however, that I

> have stopped doing "Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason" for such a

> reason although, in more than six years, I haven't run into a complaint until

> now. However, I must mention that I do not, or did not, comb obituaries for

> names. I would happen up them in various places in the newspaper and other

> venues.

>

> Also, you might do well to get a sense of humor. For example, here's a

> special...

>

> LAUGHING AT STRANGERS FOR NO REAL GOOD REASON 11/13/2005:

>

> Sloop Biederman.

>

> Actually, he seems a Bied-off, if you ask me.

Google away if you're not at a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper level to know what "Laughing at Strangers..." is.

I could have said a lot more to this Wahoo Cornelius. But I have to admit that I was a little stoked to learn that people are finding me based on individual topics discussed in S&Y.

And even more stoked to learn of somebody mistakenly thinking... Er, make that stoked to learn that somebody actually realized we have a full team of writers for S&Y...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/14/2005:

Next boyfriend, says Simpson, Aslee,

won't be famous--unlike Sissy's...

That Nick guy? Was "famous"?

'Fore lame "Newlyweds" fuss?

Like Ash, was on Minute Fourteen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/14/2005:

The Christmas displays are up in stores, so it must be... Just past Halloween, unfortunately.

Despite the fact that many find this to be Capitalism at its slimiest, stores continue starting the Season earlier and earlier, year after year.

Why? Well, because it's profitable. A certain class of consumers, pre-lubed up for the Marketing Cock, start their Seasonal shopping when the Consumer Machine says "jump."

So... How to fight it? Especially since the actions of the common sense-bearing shopper mean nothing to the Machine?

Time to start ridiculing and harassing the pre-lubed bastards!

Yes, the point I make today is similar to S&Y's frequent past assertions that junk mail, spam and telemarketing all can be blamed on the few idiots who buy stuff thanks to such annoying efforts. Rather than having the government occasionally aid them like, say, going after fraudulent spammers, we need to actively punish the idiots among us who make the Great Annoyances profitable and, thus, reality.

And as long as I've returned to a Slappin' and Yappin' Pet Peeve, let the rest of today's S&Y serve as a Special Reminder Edition...

Headline:

"Iowa Communities Rush to Ban Child Molesters From Moving In"

Wouldn't have to worry about the bizarre situation that ex-con child molesters present if we'd stop the ridiculous War on Drug Users and free up some prison space.

Then again, I guess we have priorities. What's more dangerous than a guy blowin' hooch and sitting in his room playing video games all day?...

Headline:

"VFW Post Sued in Husband's Death from Alcohol Poisoning"

Speaking of clearing up the courts, if we need ANY sort of Constitutional amendment whatsoever, let's start with nixing any "Victim Society" lawsuits and holding people responsible for their own actions.

Then again, why should we help the common man before that most important of citizens, lawyers...

Book title:

"Stressed Out Girls: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure"

Oh, yeah. THIS is the Age of Pressure. All those girls of the past were just whiny with their sniveling about, "Oh, so I have to help mom bake the bread and pickle the vegetables or else we won't survive the winter!" and "While mom's laid out over the birth of her ninth child to keep up the farm, I've gotta become an adult at twelve-years-of-age and take her place!"...

Speaking of girls and women, a section on celebrities called "Fluff" in my Chicago Sun-Times on Sundays contains a subsection called "Fashion Puh-leeze," making fun of stars' clothing.

Funny, but some of the pics in that lil' feature are often the most titillating to me. And those in the "Fluff Watch: The Best of the Red Carpet" section are often the least tingle inducing.

But what do I know about what looks good on a woman? I'm not a flaming homosexual in Italy or anything...

The Country Music Association Awards will be held in New York this week. Not Nashville.

Making it official: Country music has merged with mindless pop.

You can still tell if it's "country" music, though. If the pretty, video-age-friendly performer wears a cowboy hat and/or has a band member with a slide guitar in the MTV/VH-a video, it's "country"...

Reminder on the Fox show "Family Guy":

It's improved since I first bashed it, but will never be in anything close to the same league as "The Simpsons" or "South Park."

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 11/14/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Mashed Haiku

He was such a couch

Potato that he changed his

Name to Yukon Gold

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/15/2005:

Today, Country's "Big Night" uncorks--

not in Nashville, but in New York--

and, with CMAs

does merge with the haze

of MTV pap--stick in fork.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/15/2005:

To the defense of Terrell Owens comes not only Ralph Nader but...Jesse Jackson?

Hmm.

Nader is in amid a perpetual need for news coverage but...Jesse? Coming to the defense of an anything-but-disadvantaged black man?...Oh!

Katrina victims must be losing photo-op value!...

A University of Indiana study finds that approximately 50 percent of male subjects used condoms--improperly.

Condoms? Improperly? Isn't it obvious that they, er, go over the, well, um, where the, er, you-know-what comes out?

Do Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers remember the old comedy act where the guy puts a condom over his head and inflates it with his breath?

Should've known all along that Howie Mandel was more than just annoying--but downright dangerous!...

Along my street, as is often the case, a construction crew is piddling away most of the day on some building and spilling their crew and equipment across the sidewalk, necessitating pedestrians to walk out into the street to bypass the mess.

There is a bold sign in front of the closed-off section advertising "Whatever-the-Hell Construction." (Name has been changed to protect...well, the morons responsible, I suppose, for whatever reason.)

At first, I thought it odd for a company to advertise itself as the source of consternation. Couldn't people make note of the company's name and avoid dealing with them and their irresponsible ways in the future? Then I remember the old adage, "Any publicity is good publicity."

And the fact that, as a nation, we couldn't even take note of the guy who sent 2,000 (and counting) off to die in an unnecessary, trumped-up war--in fact, we REWARDED him with re-election.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/16/2005:

The likes of Terrell Owens--"troubled"?

When they CAUSE Trouble on the double?

It's not like some spell

does cause T to gel

invading their pure plastic bubble!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/16/2005:

Knight Ridder, itself a newspaper conglomerate, is looking to sell.

Great! I look at our increasingly lame Media every day, at all the pathetic local coverage and the celebrity-stroking "synergy," and think, "What we need is MORE Media consolidation!"...

(By the way, that "witty" capper to that last nugget was a joke. Sarcasm. Lest someone from the Bush Admin is a'Googlin' and offers me a job)...

Joan Rivers this week made an appearance at the opening of a Michigan "elective surgery" center (aka "plastic surgery," "cosmetic surgery" or "out-of-control vanity").

And I guess they lucked out. At one of these increasingly rare (and cheezy) Rivers appearances, she's bound to just melt.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/16/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Tips on Generic/Store Brand Products

Many generic or name brand (Albertson's, Sav-On, etc.) products are, or should be, a given--how can name brand salt beat-out a cheaper variety? Tomato juice? Toothpicks?

However, this is not to say that every generic product is a good value. There's a science, of sorts, to saving money the generic way. I'll give you a few examples I've found of bad generic buys: Toilet paper (roughin' it), dish soap (have to use more for the same suds) and soda pop.

Which brings me to an auxiliary point: Sometimes, you strike a balance in buying generics. For instance, perhaps I'd prefer Coca-Cola over my Jewel's (Albertson's) brand, but saving a couple bucks on a twelver makes the ever-so slightly inferior flavor more than bearable. Toilet paper, as mentioned above, is not worth the sacrifice, in my opinion, but perhaps a rougher-assed consumer, or a borderline homeless fellow, would find it more than adequate.

Sometimes, a generic even beats the name brand, so keep an open mind. I buy the Jewel pizzas even when an equal deal comes with a Tombstone or whatever.

So go out and experiment with generics and store brands. If you haven't, you should be pleasantly surprised. Why, I've found that the vast majority of options hold up, quality-wise.

If you don't buy any generic or store brand products, you're either an idiot or a snob. Or, like a polluted snowflake, some unique mixture of the two.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/17/2005:

Study at Indiana U.

leads fright'ning conclusions construed.

Half used condoms...wrong?

They go on your schlong!

(With folks that dumb, we're fuckin' doomed!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/17/2005:

The City of Chicago is considering adding a "Walk of Stars" to its Grant Park. Following the lead of other cities that, of course, followed the lead of Hollywood's "Walk of Fame."

'Cause if there's one thing this country needs more of, it's celebrity worship!...

First, I read that Nicole Richie actually has a novel out now. But I let that one lie, as Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know I've engaged in rambling on the celebritization of books fairly regularly in the past.

Now, I read that 50 Cent's next foray will be into the world of novels. Oh, make that "gritty" novels. Meaning, I suppose, they will also shill Vitamin Water or something or... Ahem. So easy to digress.

Gather 'round, grandkids, and I'll tell you about a fabulous art form from when I was a young lad. It was called Literature and...

Subway has an ad campaign that says, "Try it toasted."

Well, in my opinion, they're still crappy sandwiches--but certainly a bit better when you are toasted...

By the way, although I dropped the ball, yesterday was the anniversary of DailyLimerick.net.

Now, firstly, Daily Limerick was on a separate Web site before that and...well, don't get any funny ideas about questioning the Six Year (and counting) Mark. Secondly, I didn't make a big whoop out of the milestone because... Well, the aforementioned "opening things up" to questioning played a part. Forgetfulness played a part. My desire to simply keep doing what we do here, the stuff you know and love (or at least tolerate), as opposed to some cheezy celebratory hoo-ha played a part. And, of course, the fact that, after a five-year mark, the other little anniversaries don't seem so special, frankly--that played a part.

A cornucopia of reasons are involved here.

So there you go. Mark your calendar for future celebrations, if you will. Send letters, if you will, but I'm not expecting much, as it's a bit hard to prompt irrelevance and rambling, which appears to be the main "news prompt" for reader mail...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/18/2005:

NASCAR guy's DUI did spark it;

most say Kurt Busch just should've parked it.

But look at his job:

Amuse white trash slobs.

Don't think this will hurt his fan market.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/18/2005:

The city formerly known as Clark, Texas has changed its name to DISH, answering a challenge by EchoStar, a cable-TV franchise, and thus gaining its residents free cable TV for a decade.

Therefore, the Chief Limericist here is no longer Sloop Biederman but now... "Puss 'N' Boots Escort Service," or "Mr. Puss 'N' Boots Escort Service," to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 11/18/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Well...

Hmm. No bands on my obscure suggestion list this week.

But the section IS called, after all, "Entertain ME." And I am, after all, me.

So... What have ya' got?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/19/2005:

The new agey-crap does extol

chicks need help with unproven "soul."

But what they need most

is steaming hot dose

of fresh Chicken Soup for the Hole.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/19/2005:

The Polish Film Festival has hit Chicago.

Strange assortment of flicks. A few, for instance, are footage composed entirely of blackness, the filmmakers having left the lens caps on...

Hey. Being a quarter Polish, these are the only types of ethnic jokes, and slurs, I can mutter.

Just me and my Polocks hanging out, Gs...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/20/2005:

"Those poor youngsters"--many do roar--

"Sent off to fight Iraqi War--

just seeking school funding!"

I'm 'gainst it, but wond'ring...

What'd they think the Army was for?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/20/2005:

The Florida Supreme Court, evidently taking time out from video games as they apparently have little of import to do, has ruled against some lawyers who released a TV ad comparing themselves to pit bulls.

Seems they were "demeaning" the profession.

But what about demeaning the race of pit bull?... 

And for those of you out there still thinking the Counseling/Therapy Industry DOES NOT have us all by the nuts, having insidiously nestled itself in as a "requirement" to our court system, know this:

The above-mentioned lawyers were also sentenced to "advertising counseling."

Geez. Imagine a session like that.

This news opened my eyes, too, as someone who formerly believed there was NOT such thing as Hell on Earth...

Speaking of Hell on Earth, stumbled across these new media terms the other day:

"Post-Yuppie" and "Metrospirituality."

I won't indulge the Media by providing any more detail--and you really don't need to know any more. Just making sure Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers aren't embracing that pie-in-the-sky "hope for Humanity" crap...

People Magazine has released its annual "Sexiest Men Alive" issue and, beating all statistical odds yet again, has found that the sexiest men alive all are coincidentally really famous and thus easy for People "journalists" to find!

Why haven't any radical individuals or groups taken to vandalizing stores that push the Christmas Spirit before Thanksgiving?

I ain't tryin' to incite nothin', just askin'...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/20/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: S&Y Psychiatric Couch Fumigation's Final Step

A few reminders may or may not be in order here:

Firstly, S&Y has a Psychiatric Couch. It is whipped out when a member of our, er, staff vents personal information within Daily Limerick.

Last year, around this time, we continually overused the Couch--we're trying not to be a typical "blog," whining continually about how often we itch our nuts and such each day, and are thus careful about the usage. See, events occurred in the Chief Limericist‚s life that led to extra Couch use, although many details were often left out in S&Y. These events were first commonly referred to as the CL "living a Romantic Comedy" but eventually waxed to "living a Romantic Comedy gone horribly, terribly wrong."

So as to not cause real life trouble through S&Y revelations, we yanked the couch away and started fumigating it.

Now that enough time has passed, we can finish that fumigation.

Here, in slightly more detail, is what happened:

The Chief had been spinning into a divorce, and all the lovely events that encompasses, since about June 2004. Physical separation officially came with September and, a little later that month, a woman entered the Chief's...aw, what the hell, entered MY life. And it's important to not that SHE entered MY life. Came to one of my shows. Suggested a week later or so we have dinner.

Great happiness ensued.

Looking back, the happiness was somewhat misguided. Here was sorely desired "proof" that women who were NOT my soon-to-be-ex found me attractive. Here was a "void filler" to replace the soon-to-be-ex, who'd been a near-constant companion for seven freakin' years--and I wasn't really yet prepared to handle the ramifications of such a thing, emotionally and otherwise.

Another huge problem was the fact that this new chick was a full-blown kook. And she started a loin fire and then promptly claimed she had to run from the campgrounds. Should've known, as she was also a 12-Stepper (oh, there are personal stories about them) but... Was too hooked at the time to simply let it go, so I continued to pursue her.

Now, if anything, I've generally erred in the reverse direction as stalking with women. Hard to get?--ain't wastin' my time. And although I didn't do more than blow a phone call to her a couple times a week, it was the closest to stalking as I'd ever come.

But, when I'd run into her, she'd stop and talk with me--usually for 20 minutes or more, even when it was easy for her to find an "out." She even called ME once after airing her desire to end our dalliance, claiming it to be an "accident" and talking to me for 15 minutes nonetheless.

Oh, and there was a further curveball in the equation. She was an intern. At an organization where I was not an employee, sure; for an organization which I worked at for a day or two each month, sure--but, rather than even go to the boss at the place first, she went straight to the internship director at her college and caused quite a hubbub over my "harassing" of her.

I think she could've found a milder way to do it, but that DID stop my phone calling. Hell, it stopped our whole romance long before much of anything romantic even went down. And, in the end, others involved unanimously sided with me- perhaps "tsking" my judgment a bit, but scratching their philosophical heads at how the scenario could possibly be dubbed "harassment."

And Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers were told only that my Romantic Comedy had gone horribly, terribly wrong and that we were fumigating that damn Couch.

I could go on and on. Even more than I already have--about false accusations like this and how they actually hurt the case of those truly victimized--and more. But I won't.

So, for what it's worth--and we're not saying it'll even see use soon or frequently--the S&Y Psychiatric Couch is back.

So let's hope there's not gonna be trouble.

Hey la, hey la...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/20/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: What a dark room brings to the surface

There is little outside the light of the candle.

A light that decreases, wax sighing and sizzling.

An apple on the table which cannot be seen is

not there; nor the keys by the phone, the edge

of light a diminishing pool, closing up. Tear

the heavy muslin down from the windows. It's

clotting the light of cars.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/21/2005:

Journalistically, People's sleazy

(though they'd call the style "light 'n' breezy")--

their "Sexiest Fifty"

for writers, proves nifty:

They're all famous; finding 'em's easy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/21/2005:

So, the Hollywood Watcher chapter of the Big Mother movement is now sniveling that DVDs of movies that happen to portray smoking should carry Public Service Announcement about the dangers of smoking.

Big secret, I know. You probably would never have guessed but, believe it or not, smoking can be dangerous. They haven't been good at getting the word out, but there you have it.

And what could be more effective than a PSA. It's not like, for example, people watched 'em in the '80s and cried out "light up a bong!" during the anti-drug ones or anything...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 11/21/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cold Comfort Haiku

Arctic animal

With severe mood swings is called

A bi-polar bear

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/22/2005:

Subway's new ad campaign has boasted

that their sandwiches can be roasted.

But I think a lot

of us may think pot

will help--and they say, "Try 'em toasted."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/22/2005:

So, now Usher has a Made for Himself movie out called... Does the name really matter? The point is, in case you haven't noticed, this type of thing has certifiably become a Hot Trend.

So, practically speaking, we can look forward to seeing youth who emulate rappers' every action now, in addition to accumulating bling and carrying guns and calling chicks 'hos...making self-indulgent movies about their lives?

What's that? You're a reader who doesn't live in the 'hood and doesn't witness the actions of these youth regularly anyway? Well, I'm not talking about inner-city youth--I'm talking about the youth who emulate rappers' every action: well-to-do, suburban white kids...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/23/2005:

The spam mail said, "Stress Relief NOW."

Which sounds great, if work would allow

me to simply stop

and give it a bop

but think they'd frown on that, somehow.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/23/2005:

Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra refuses to talk to the press because, in his view, the alignment of the planets is not quite right.

Hmmm.

Seems a bit backward, relying on astrological events for government decisions--but is it that far removed from, say, relying on CIA intelligence?...

Learned today that members of Bush's team, when visiting South Korea, patronized "Outback Steakhouse" regularly.

Evidently relying on CIA intelligence for local restaurant tips, as well...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/23/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Eatin' Thalia

Bought some post-Halloween-discounted candy early in the month, including "Dulce de Leche"-filled Hershey's kisses. With the visage of Spanish-language singer Thalia emblazoned upon them.

So whenever I indulge their sweetness, I feel a little tingly thinking that I'm sorta, kinda eatin' Thalia.

Seek out your own star-endorsed candies, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, and be a sicko--just like your favorite Chief Limericist!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/24/2005:

A man spurned his fam'ly Thanksgiving

for as a young crank he was living--

the Thanksgiving Scrooge!

When he thought to spooj

was too drunk for proper spank-giving!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/24/2005:

Ah, Thanksgiving!

You, er, knew that, didn't you? Not sure why you're reading this on this day but, whatever your reason, I am thankful for you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

See, I'm supposed to follow the Media Party Line and blather about what I'm thankful for in today's edition. I suppose I should've gotten Accursed Verse Mike and Health Haiku David to chime in with their thankful rants, too.

Anyway, I could go on and on about what I'm thankful for, but I'll just point out, for now, that I am indeed thankful for you readers. I'd be more thankful if you'd send more goddamned letters but... Ahem. Oh, how thankful I am for the Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

Also, I'm thankful that you guys are physically...well, wherever you are, and I'm here, or wherever I am--but wherevers aside, I am a good safe distance away from you--but again, thankful as all shit for you frightening bastards...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/25/2005:

Today's the year's biggest for shopping;

the charged debt piled on will be whopping.

Why live within means

with budget tips gleaned

through Fed-spending bandwagon hopping?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/25/2005:

So, Warner Music Group has agreed to pay $5 million as part of a settlement with New York's Attorney General for engaging in the activity previously known as "payola"--paying radio stations to play their music.

So... WMG is caught using their endless stream of cash to influence play lists and, as punishment, WMG is allowed to throw some of that endless cash to the government to help make everything okay.

The corporate parent of WMG, it should be noted, owns or somehow has its fingers in many of the radio outlets to begin with.

Hmm.

Somehow, I keep flashing back to a childhood afternoon in which my father, for some reason, was swatting flies outdoors; not sure why...

The Feds are trying to figure out why 2005 has been one of the biggest years for bank robberies--a near record year, actually.

Cynics, of course, will say, "It's the economy, stupid."

But has Bush said all sorts of new jobs have been created--and the bank robber career path is evidently part of that...

John Kerry not only showed up for jury duty--but was elected foreman.

Jury foreman elections, however, being short affairs, depriving Kerry of the Democratic tactic of blurring the differences between one's self and the competition...

Headline:

"Students Turn to ADHD Drugs for Mental Boost."

Wow. Now even popping pills has been Disneyfied...

Has anybody--and I'm not just talking Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, but ANYBODY, on record, in history--unwittingly invited disaster by carrying baggage given them from a complete stranger onto a mode of transport?

I'm wondering because warning against such an act is STILL the backbone of the "look like we're doing something while we're really not" spiel that is broadcast through the annoying, convenient-to-ignore, pre-recorded voice regularly on my local trains, as part of the "heightened security."

Of course, local city-to-suburb trains are only emulating the Big Boys. The tactic was virtually the only method of "screening" airline travelers for decades.

It's in the same genre as the "razor blade in Halloween candy" legend. But don't worry--it's now been replaced by the "white old ladies with shoe bombs and bic lighters" myth...

Read yesterday of "The U.K.'s leading Sudoku expert."

Didn't know such a title existed.

Still unsure exactly how one "leads" in such a field.

Oh, and I could give you her name, but I won't.

You'll hear of her.

Oh, you'll hear of her. Just as soon as the Free World is somehow trapped by the terrorists in a large grid, and only strange number patterns can save us...

You know what we really need now?

More cop-FBI-courtroom dramas. You know, the type that are crime obsessed? I flip through my zillions of channels and just can't find any these days...

Headline-esque thingie on the Earthlink main page:

"Share Your Thoughts with the World. Become a Blogger."

If your definition of "World" includes three or four other friends, with absolutely nothing to do with their lives and for some reason interested in what variety of "Hot Pockets" you microwaved for last night's dinner...

Wait a minute! I'm, er, technically, a, well, a bit ashamed to admit... I'm a "blogger" myself. (Ouch.) (Sorry. Still hurts to admit "membership" in the group.)

However, my b-word status does allow me to make fun of the group, following the Bible O' Political Correctness.

So I guess I'm hangin' out with my Gs, or is it Bs, or whatever, keepin' you updated on the length of my scrotal hairs... Midwest Si-ide!...

***

WASTE-OF-TIME ADVICE FOR THE HOPELESS 11/25/2005:

(In Which S&Y Takes a Newspaper Letter to an "Advice Columnist" written by Some Pathetic Wretch and Provides the Answer the "Expert" Should Have Given)

This is from "Ask Ellie" in the Chicago Sun-Times.

I man writes in about some instant messaging shenanigans and is a bit leery of his seeming results, asking:

"Why would a beautiful nurse, age 25, want a man, 58, who's neither handsome nor rich?"

Despite giving her signature useless reply, however, I must applaud Ellie for somehow managing NOT to refer the writer to counseling.

However, here's S&Y's advice:

She wouldn't. Then again, you've actually been IMing a man, around 58, who's neither handsome nor rich--but bearing one prize winner of a fetish!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 11/25/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Huh? Oh, it's Friday, ain't it?...

The Special "Pull-Out" Friday Entertain Yourself Section is taking the day off.

Or perhaps ill. Take yer pick.

You shouldn't need entertainin' on a holiday weekend, anyway. Have a leftover turkey leg and shut up...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/26/2005:

For office party, Joe was tapped

to pull of the Santa suit crap

and Jane from accounting

whom he dreamed of mounting

brought unwitting sap to his lap.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/26/2005:

Human beings are of an intelligence beyond mere animals. The ability to think ensures we don't do things like... Well, let's look at a couple animal kingdom examples:

Various herd animals, like sheep, will run over cliffs en masse, unable to learn from the example of the first beast to go over and thus "splat!"

Moths will buzz around an open flame, attracted by its warmth, even as other moths near them get burned and die.

See?

Heard today about a slew of injuries nationwide as people were trampled in "Biggest Shopping Day of the Year" stampedes and escalator-gone-wrong pileups.

Hmm.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/27/2005:

New programs, execs have long chose.

What's lacking now? Everyone knows!

Just flipped through the channels

and they got a handle:

Solve dearth of cop/crime/courtroom shows!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/27/2005:

Headline:

"EU: Iran Has Nuke Weapon Designs"

Thanks, EU. We'll eagerly await your next investigative report...

In Cincinnati and, from what I understand, other cities across the U.S., billboards have been mounted "advertising" the faces and info of wanted criminals.

Not, of course, convicted criminals, but wanted ones, nonetheless.

Some observers are comparing this to the Wild West. Because the world of today is much like the Wild West.

See, just like in the Wild West, today we have...er... Well, back then, there were... Sheriffs. Cowboy hats, too. And, er, well...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 11/27/2005:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Do-Gooders Gone Wild!

Once upon a time there was a relatively intelligent society of beings. Over the centuries, these creatures evolved, progressed and improved, making their lives, as a group and individually, longer, easier, more fulfilling and more productive. However, at their core, these beings were fallible, imperfect beings, and many of the peccadilloes and foibles existent in their earliest days remained with them, in some form, no matter how advanced they became.

Like any society of relatively intelligent beings, many of its individual members had an urge to use drugs, beyond those of medicinal purpose--drugs that altered one's experience physically and/or mentally. This was one of the fallibilities at the core of their being. For, although the vast majority of the beings bothered and/or hurt nobody, with the possible exception of themselves, through the usage of these drugs, there were often negatives, to both individuals and society overall. But, as we said, they were fallible creatures.

This society had rules and laws and regulations, as any society needs, and some of these laws regulated the usage of drugs. The society ran under the assumption that, while some negative effects of things like drugs were a fact of life, it was in the best interests of the society to lessen the negatives through some form of regulation. At times, however, these efforts became misguided.

A society, by definition, arises among social animals and one of the instincts instilled in such beings is a desire to not only cooperate with, but to help those among their species. And so some members of the society were inclined to go beyond laws and regulations and dispense information helpful to individuals and society at large. One popular topic of such information was that regarding drugs.

But the desire to help others often became perverted and when, in the eyes of the do-gooders, society didn't react appropriately to their warnings of various negatives, these do-gooders often sought to expand rules and regulations to such a level as to go beyond guiding individuals toward prudent choices and to engage in forcing individuals to make such choices "for their own good."

It was when the do-gooders reached such a level of dysfunction and desperation that their efforts began to cause negative effects. Such is what happened once, as the society's calendar reached a great milestone of another hundred years and do-gooders, prompted by the calendar milestone and a desire to achieve a higher level of a defined "progress" to mark it, singled out a popular societal drug and not only sought to curb its use, but to unnaturally eliminate it from the creatures' lives altogether.

Great taxes were levied upon the drug where it wasn't downright banned--which only served to cause smuggling and the avoidance of such taxes and the driving of otherwise law-abiding citizens into a criminal lifestyle or, at the very least, a shunned segment of the society. As individuals didn't appear to properly heed do-gooders' advice, the information \disseminated became first exaggerated and eventually often completely fabricated in an attempt to scare individuals away from the drug. This had the unintended effect of leading members of society to so distrust such information that even the helpful facts still disseminated were often discounted.

Do-gooders' actions did lead to a decrease in the drug usage but at the same time further divided society, leading to an "us vs. them" mentality. What's more, in many cases, usage of the drug took on a "rebellious" air and, as it was also in these creatures' nature to desire the "forbidden fruit," do-gooder efforts actually created a greater desire to use the drug among many segments of society.

Eventually, only after great havoc was wreaked upon the society, despite the underlying good intentions, the do-gooders' backed off...

Huh? What? No, I'm not harping on "Refer Madness II: War on Legal Smoking" yet again! I was referring to the turn of the century to 1900 and the attitudes leading to Prohibition! I mean, we're an intelligent race and all and we learn from history so as not to repeat the same mistakes!

Right?

Right???

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 11/27/2005:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Brimming pockets

We share a pocket of beauty,

now let's sew a whole jacket of it.

I'll throw it over our shoulders

to huddle in and warm up in.

I'll make sure the side pockets

are stocked with coins and chewing

gum. A pack of cigarettes for you,

a notebook and a pen for both of us.

And for me, the knowledge that this

jacket covers us -- not hanging

in the closet, waiting to be worn.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/28/2005:

John Kerry's career had seemed dormant

after his last try as a Snore-man.

But after reflection

he won an election!

(To bad it was just jury foreman.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/28/2005:

So noted Snooze Age performer Enya has a new CD out in which she croons her accidental lullabies in a variety of languages. Including in one language purely of her lyricist's design!

Hmm. I suppose inventing your own rules is one way of getting around the grammatical and artistic tragedy that is modern lyrics...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 11/28/2005:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Mal-De-Practice Haiku

My former doctor

Had the bedside manner of

A pathologist

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/29/2005:

Since transport security lags

I must ask, though don't mean to nag:

Was there EVER terror

from clod making error

of carrying on stranger's bag?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/29/2005:

Nov. 27 headline:

"Shopping More So-So Than Ho-Ho"

Nov. 28 Headline:

"2005 Holiday Shopping Season: Resisters Ringing"

Economist--the Ideal Career for Weathermen Feeling Too Much Pressure for Achieving Accuracy...

The death of pro "wrestler" Eddie Guerrero has spurred a push for steroid testing in the WWE league.

Next up: Pixie Dust crackdowns at the Hogwarts school and taverns in Middle Earth outlawing the smoking of pipeweed in bars...

Read that the State of Illinois has seen a big increase in drunk driving, according to the most recent statistics.

I can't help recalling that much of the state's last budget was balanced on the back of a huge increase in drunken driving fees. In addition, of course, to increased cigarette taxes because, of course, they're trying to curb smoking. Although they're rakin' in the bucks with this increase.

Hmm.

And people trust this little vice/government nonetheless, at least when it suits their soapbox...

Speaking of vice, I saw some billboards around the suburban area in which my parents live advertising a hospital with a "Smoke-Free Campus."

You see, it's not enough that hospitals themselves, and large areas surrounding their entryways, forbid smoking. This hospital is on the cutting edge of Reefer Madness II: Legal Smokes "science"--watch for the PSAs filling you in on secondhand smoke's ability to seek out your unwitting lungs over distances via guided missile technology...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/29/2005:

> John, sorry to hear your romantic life has been up and down -- and that's

> putting it lightly. I thought about you for a minute over Thanksgiving,

> because I pulled out some old photos to show a visiting friend, and there we

> were, poking ironic fun at the Daily News in front of Andrea's camera.

>

> Not really much to say otherwise, but I hope things look up for you soon.

Well. Isn't a romantic life supposed to be up and down?

By the way, this blunderpump checks in regarding the Nov. 20 edition (see the 'chives, ass-bastards), in which the Sunday Story Time recounts my Romantic Comedy Gone Horribly, Terribly Wrong.

And if for some reason it hits the Internet, that stuff with "Andrea's camera"... Digital trickery. I did not engage in those acts with those people. Especially the one segment with the dwarf, a unicycle and the Furbies.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 11/30/2005:

Though corp'rate drugs call for investing

the witch hunt of taboo-drug testing

begs that we abort it

when it gets to sports that

are fictional--now, it's pro "wrestling."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 11/30/2005:

Glancing at recent temperature rundowns and advance forecasts on my newspaper weather page, I've noticed that temps have mostly been well below the typical over the past week or so here in Chicago--in many cases, as much as 10 degrees lower!

As the fine line between right-wing religious and liberal dogma waxes thinner and thinner, I suppose Global Warming works in mysterious ways...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 11/30/2005:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jumbo Eggs

At the grocery store, I just can't help myself.

No, I'm not talking about mounting the produce babe atop a mound of turnips. I'm talking about jumbo eggs (in case you missed that in reading the title of today's entry)! I suppose I COULD help myself concerning the produce babe, if I really wanted to--but, actually, you could say I DO help myself to the produce babe!

But I digress.

Point is, when there's a choice of small, medium, large, extra large and jumbo, how can one NOT grab for the jumbos! "Grab for the jumbos"? I'm dangerously close to digressing about the produce babe again but... Ahem.

I suppose I'd be helpless if my local grocer started stocking ostrich eggs, as even the jumbos are a bit much for regular use on occasion. But I can't help myself. Gotta buy the biggest eggs!

Send in your thoughts.

Er, knowing you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, send in your half-thoughts, anyway...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 11/30/2005:

From my MySpace account:

Well... I'm not even publishing the missive, as it wasn't exactly pithy, even as compared to the "typical" letter to DL, and, more importantly, I forgot to cut and paste it earlier and don't feel like doing it now but... Point being:

I hate MySpace. So SEND YOUR LETTERS DIRECTLY TO DL. Oh, MySpace fine for 15-year-olds, I suppose, but I just opened the account to HAVE one. Oh, and to perhaps direct traffic to THIS. Oh, and, especially concerning my rather curmudgeonly profile thereon, to conduct an experiment:

Whether or not outright rudeness, even in the e-world, could still attract "fans."

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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