Daily Limerick
Archives: April 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2006:

A girlie with ravenous coocher

sought to invent "Sex of the Future"!

But wild weekend dickin'

in hundred positions

just left her with some Kama Sutures.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2006:

Today marks the start of National Poetry Month!

So... Well, unless you work for a cultural institution or are one of the old ladies they serve 9-5, Mon.-Fri., just go about your life as you normally do...

On the Web site of the American Medical Association, there is a section called "Ethics in Action."

Or, to see AMA "Ethics in Action," you can turn on the TV and wait for the filthy rich pharmaceutical company ads that have pretty much taken over TV ad time as we know it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2006:

The ethics of students today

are tougher than the AMA's.

They're naive young students--

it wouldn't be prudent:

Pros testing drugs sans brib'ry pay!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2006:

Headline:

"Tapes Reveal Horror of 9/11"

Sh-sh-sh-shocker! And all along, I thought it was a cakewalk...

From a Chicago Tribune "Day Watch" e-mail update thingie:

"In a sweep of 81 addresses given by sex offenders in Chicago, investigators found more than three-quarters were abandoned buildings, empty lots or other places where the offenders did not live."

Wouldn't wanna keep those dangerous offenders in jail or anything. Gotta keep room for the real threat of drug users...

A new collaborative hospital/religion/university study is examining the effects of prayer on patient healing. For $2.4 million.

Results so far: Prayer does squat. (In fact, data actually somehow showed slight HARM caused by it. He hee.)

Call us old fashioned, but we thought that $2.4 million for a faith-based initiative might better be spent, oh, feeding the poor or something...

ATTENTION JESSICA SIMPLETON:

Every guy does not inexplicably find stupidity hot. In fact, many of us find it to be quite the turn-off.

We now return to our regularly schedule masturbation about somebody that's not you...

Have we finally seen the time for...gentledude.

That is, use of the word "gentledue."

See, as people of my lame "Generation X" grow older, and young hipster retail types, for instance, feel compelled to address us, er, respectfully, or something, and thus rather than gentleman, to capitalize on us chronic wannabe ironists, call us "gentledudes."

Make sense?

Geez. Sure hope not...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/2/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Class I Accidentally Attended

When I was attending the University of Illinois many moons ago--mostly parties, as opposed those pesky classes--one of the classes I attended kept throwing me curveballs.

I forget what the class was--public speaking, communications, some pre-journalism requirement. But problems began when I showed up with the "wrong" textbooks. This was a bit odd, as the U of I bookstore organized its books according to classes requiring each somehow and would actually be quite difficult to screw up, perhaps requiring expert levels of boneheadism.

I didn't catch this early monkey wrench right away. I recall the teacher referring continually referring to a book as "Knapp" (its author) and, for a while, I just assumed I must have the book at home and that I'd catch up on the reading when I found it. After a while, I realized I didn't have the book and, when I did hit the bookstore, they were sold out. So I ended up borrowing it from a classmate or something.

Now, I'd just assumed this book was added as a course text after class requirements were sent to the campus bookstores. Likewise, I attributed the fact that I was not on the class' attendance list to a bureaucratic snafu--which, of course, is common at colleges.

Long story...well medium, anyway, I was attending the wrong class. For at least a month.

One day I got a notice in the mail that I wasn't attending my public speaking, communications, whatever course--and was in danger of failing based on missed class time. It was then that all the coincidences gelled. Reconstructing the fuck-up, I learned that I had fell victim to a less-than-steady finger in reading across the course catalog page--from course name across other particulars and over to location--and had thus now only showed up in the wrong room, but continued to do so, week after week.

I dropped the course I was supposed to be in. And was too embarrassed to ever go back to the wrong class, which I had grown to like--especially the teacher's proclivity for gathering his students up for groovy drinks like "volcanoes" after class.

On a side note, the course I'd been attending was actually more advanced than what I was supposed to be taking--it was a "200"-number jobbie when I was supposed to be in a "101" or something.

And I was doing pretty well.

Of course, it's always easy to excel at things you're not supposed to do. Which kinda sums up my experience at U of I, come to think of it...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/2/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Abrielle's eyes

 

If these words survive

100 years -- a poem

is a small, fragile thing

in the long inward suck

of history; whole contexts

fritter away in that wind --

someone will read this

and wonder about

Abrielle's eyes.

 

First they might taste

the name, ask if

its sweet and salty flavor

is real. It sounds

like a stone bridge,

wet with rain,

spanning two highways.

 

Then of course her eyes:

Are they bright and almond-

shaped? Do they follow

the curves of my body

like lines of verse meeting hers?

 

The reader won't be able to help it,

and think of lovers and life, that

early bell-tone light gets

when the lamps are off and the

curtains drawn.

 

And all of these things will linger,

appending extra verses to the text.

One day a reader will ask a friend:

 

Have you ever read Abrielle's eyes?

It breathes with details about home.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/2/2006:

> John...can you reply to this guy?

>

> ---------- Forwarded message ----------

> From: Andrew S. Pollis aspollis@hahnlaw.com

> Date: Apr 1, 2006 4:40 PM

> Subject: Mike Walker Limerick Contest

> To: rchadha@tenten.us

>

> Do you know how I can enter the Mike Walker limerick contest, as announced on

> the Howard Stern show?  I can't find info about it anywhere, but a yahoo search

> pointed me to your website (even though once I got to your website I came up

> empty-handed).  I've got a fabulous entry but don't know how to submit it!

> Thanks.

We'd love to help. But, again, we couldn't write a limerick to save our lives.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2006:

The lame "for men" shopping mag, Cargo

failed fighting genetic embargo

of men toward shopping--

might as well've tried slopping

out a rag 'bout surfing in Fargo.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2006:

Occasionally, my Sunday paper brings a free sample of some new product--but yesterday marked a first with the inclusion of a sleep aid.

A bit alarming, although I don't think minors will be too tempted to crack open the "Special Advertising Supplement From the Editors of Golf Digest"...

Yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times also contained a special MLB 2006 Preview section. Within, it took a pre-season look at the World Champion White Sox and the Cubs.

Each team's feature came complete with "Reasons to Believe" and "Reasons to Doubt."

Curiously, under the Cubs' "Reasons to Doubt," the most important reason was not included:

Because, well, they're THE CUBS...

Warning:

(Just couldn't wait for the Wednesday EAT IT! Food Section)--

Little Debbie is in cahoots with NASCAR.

They're selling Debster-themed Hot Wheels cars and all.

So far, the snacks are the same.

But... I just feel so violated...or like SHE were violated...perhaps voluntarily violated... Must shower again...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 4/3/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cardiac Rehab Haiku

Nu-Step, treadmill, bike,

An exercise triathlon

Going nowhere, fast

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2006:

In NFL post-touchdown runs

there's crackdown on celebrations.

Like booze, fat or smoking

(and soon, smiles or joking)

it's all part of hip War on Fun.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2006:

Okay, so maybe today's Limerick is a little harsh. An anti-smoking Taliban exists but... Okay, an overall Health Taliban exits, but otherwise, perhaps labeling a War on Fun is going too far...

Headline:

"Adult Dance Clubs Fight for Right to Serve Alcohol"

Then again, perhaps not...

We keep reading and hearing pundits and reader/listeners talking about folks "crossing the line" in utilizing their First Amendment rights.

Hmm.

Sorry. Looked over the Bill of Rights yet again and see no mention of this line, so... SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FASCISTS!...

Headline:

"Jesse Helms Suffers from Dementia"

First of all, seems to us a "Sky is Blue" kinda headline but in any event, if somebody sees fit to dub it news, this story would've been a helluva lot more useful back when, oh, Helms was up for election...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2006:

In talk of Free Speech, some opine

that folks "cross" some mystery "line,"

which causes me anguish--

I've not seen "line" language

reading Bill of Rights zillion times.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2006:

Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern on his promise that the country will legalize gay civil unions:

"Sexual orientation cannot, and must not, be the basis of second-class citizenship."

Of course not. Only the choice of an adult to smoke can form the basis for second-class citizenship...

You can fool most of the people, most of the time.

Lincoln was a bit too trusting of human nature--although his more famous quotation is certainly true, as well.

And he was nonetheless good people, as you may or may not have heard/read.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/5/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Frozen food brownies

When a frozen dinner comes with a brownie... Well, they're simply some of the best brownies in the world. Chewy/crispy along the edges, fluffy in the center and...and... Mmmm. Brand doesn't matter. Main dish in the frozen food package doesn't matter. Something about the partially pre-cooked, frozen nature with the heating container and all that jizz makes it simply delightful.

The question is not whether you can find a better brownie. The frozen dinner-accompanying brownie's are unique. Kinda like the relationship between homemade chili with macaroni and a can of Chef Boyardee Chili Mac--the Chef's interpretation, quite naturally, cannot attempt to satisfy all of your chili-eatin' needs, but it is certainly worth a sniff as a flower in the ol' meadow of life.

Or something.

Just have one tonight already.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2006:

Abe Lincoln's words, though near sublime--

could hardly be topped if they'd rhymed--

give folks too much credit

we're morons. My edit:

Can fool most folks, most of the time.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2006:

Concerning today's Limerick... Perhaps we're again being a little too hard on people in general.

We've admittedly been in pessimism funk, quick to point to a Moron Majority, and although we've always been a bit cynical, this super funk can be traced back to the debut of that damn Segway--you know, the ridiculously expensive transport device that does little more than take up space, siphon money and encourage obesity--the piece of crap that's inventor spurred The Media into holding its collective breath waiting for the debut of something "big" that would "change the world" weeks ahead of its official premier? (Google "Slappin' and Yappin'" and "Segway" for earlier comments.)

Hmm... What's that headline?:

"Chicago Police Buying More Segways"

Well, perhaps for the Limerick we actually meant, "You can fool most of the people ALL of the time"...

Jennifer Aniston went silent Tuesday on the "Today" show when asked about her possible wedding to Vince Vaughn.

Her "Friends With Money" co-star Catherine Keener, tagging along, chimed in with "I thought you weren't going to go there." Which, of course, spotlighted "pre-interview" guidelines, although I don't think anybody at this point considers "Today" to be even remotely journalism.

What concerns us here is Aniston's refusal to talk of personal matters. Does she realize that, considering the nature of her "movie career," that if it weren't for her personal life, nobody would be tuning in?...

This won't help our pessimism one bit:

One of our favorite publications is now blatantly sponsoring terrorism.

It pains us to admit it, but we can't deny it. How can we--looking up from our train seat to see the frightening, depressing ad: "The Chicago Improv Festival," and a little lower, "Sponsored by The Onion"...

As long as we've accidentally stumbled into a Fun With Headlines edition, here's a "see inside"-type:

"Local Women Explain Why They Stay Single"

I turned to the feature itself and... Well, no need for explanation, ladies. Save the story space.

There were photos--and each one was at least a bit chubby.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2006:

Segway's hyped invention brought me

loss of faith in humanity.

But Public ain't buy'n it!

And only ones try'n' it

are cash wasting gov entities!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2006:

Although, once again, I've seen nothing in the area of fanfare, today is the anniversary of the invention of the hamburger, in 1849. According to some source or another (for those seeking journalistic integrity with their limericks and offensive manifestos).

So go out and eat one. Or two. Or perhaps three...

The latest twitter rages about whether Katie Couric is truly qualified to anchor the CBS Evening News.

She has proven, over the years, that she can read well from a Teleprompter. And she's good looking.

Seems to us that she's more than qualified for a network TV news "journalism" position...

Just found out, through details on an Anti-Defamation League report, that comparing someone to a Nazi is "anti-Semitic."

Hey. Just in case we ever DO reach some Utopian society, ADL folks are apparently concerned about the long-term career picture...

Headline:

"Man Shot, Pregnant Woman Beaten at 'Baby Shower Gone Bad'"

That's one way to spice up one of the world's most boring events.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/7/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Mos Funnel

Mos Funnel kicks ass!

Ahem. Worst music reviewer in the history of music reviewers checking in here.

They whip out trumpets and all sorts of different instruments. Had a sound akin to that Jimi Hendrix Band of Gypsies project.

Go listen, ratloafs: http://www.mosfunnel.com.

An mp3 paints a thousand words. And those words are generally much more erudite that this drecky feature...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/7/2006:

> John,

> Thanks for the plug on your site. If you'd like a couple of tickets for one

> of the festival shows, let me know and we'll arrange it.

>

> All the best!

>

> Jonathan Pitts

> Executive Director, Chicago Improv Festival

Funny how... Hmm.

Have you followed, over the years, DL's thoughts on the art of improv, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers?

There are archives at your disposal, you know.

Anyway... Hmm.

Hmm, indeed.

But, hey, when the cookie jar's otherwise empty, you eat those stale coconut macaroons.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2006:

At business lunch, man took lap dance

sending him to sexual trance.

Trip back to work, roamed--

had to stop on home

'cause he'd made a mess in his pants.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2006:

Brett Steidler of Pennsylvania is in trouble for mailing a bomb to a Chicago surgeon who, he alleges, botched his penis extension surgery.

Rather cocky thing to do. Took a lot of balls. Although he's obviously quite a dick.

Ahem.

What most concerns us, however, as a serious news operation, is the name of the town he's from:

Reamstown.

He hee.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/8/2006:

> HEY!!!... that was fantastic...

>  

> thanx

That's somebody from the band Mos Funnel referring to the glorious cocking I gave the other day... Er, actually, I think this particular letter refers to our Friday "ENTERTAIN ME!" section's mention of the band.

So maybe we DON'T publish the world's worst music critic. In fact, we're going out on a limb here and declaring him...the world's THIRD worst music critic.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2006:

The public's pooled attention span

most will agree has up and ran

but golf, NASCAR, poker?

are all hip, no joker...

Someone please help; don't understand.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2006:

For last month's elections, many big cities--aka political bigots of the Democrat variety--instituted new voting systems. Here in Chicago, that entailed filling out a school-kid style scantron sheet.

Now, the complaints are rolling in, nationwide, as layers of new complications and problems come to light concerning these "new & improved" methods.

Uh, you can stop it now, folks. You "proved" your point. The Dems blew the last couple elections because of voting machine problems, uh huh, sure...

Learned this weekend that government salaries support 1/3rd of the Palestinian people.

One out of every three? Working for the government? Sure, this is also counting dependents and such but... Such a mystery, why their society is so screwed up...

Playboy now publishes an Indonesian version.

The models within do wear clothes. See, the country's ruled by whacktoast religious leaders, in practicality, anyway.

So... What's YOUR excuse, Maxim, FHM, Stuff...

According to Big Media "news," an ancient text has been translated revealing that Judas may NOT have betrayed Jesus Christ.

In other events, an elf has come forward alleging that Santa Claus in fact has black hair...

The Rolling Stones are set to play in China and, thus, have been given a list from the Commies of songs they cannot play.

Don't go crying for the Stones, however--they're well used to censorship, having recently played an American Super Bowl...

Headline:

"Sears Swallows Canadian Unit"

Congrats to the Canadian who happened to bag Mr. or Ms. Sears.

But we're not sure how that qualifies as "news."

Didn't think Canadians were hung any better than the rest of us...

There are people who register for parties.

Register. As in wedding registry.

Of course, do not attend a party that involves a registry.

In fact, don't associate with people who would even seriously consider the idea.

Daily Limerick, by the way, is registered at Clark Dog.

Not for any party, mind you. Just in general.

Therein, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, lies the difference...

Huh?...

I don't understand European snootiness over culture and all that crap. Especially since an artist widely considered to be seminal and one of the greatest comes from right here in Chicago.

Yup. Not only do we have Da Bears, but we had Da Vinci...

Here's my idea for a business venture:

I'm stuck with this condo, okay? I got it in my divorce and it's way beyond my means, so I'm renting out a room, etc. to a roommate. First arrangement didn't work out, I'm shopping for a new one, placing ads, wondering if I'm asking the right amount, etc., etc., and I think:

"Sloop's House for Wayward Hot Chicks. Slight charge to room."

Ahem.

And a thousand times "huh?"

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/9/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Drum Set

Okay, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I've been holding out on you about my career as a drummer. (Chief Limericist checking in here.)

So here are the details:

When I was a grade school shaver, my grandpa, who, of course, didn't have to live in the same house as my parents and I, gave me a set of kiddie drums for my birthday or something.

I drummed constantly for a couple of days. Screw those pesky "music lessons" and stuff.

There's a photo or two documenting that I did, indeed, have a drum set at some point in shaverhood.

But, mysteriously, the drum set soon vanished...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/9/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Elephant breath

 

I found Marfan Syndrome in the DSM-IV.

Doctors think we're hypochondriacs.

"Your long legs are representative

of your wish to elevate your stature;

 

your myopia is caused by inner blindness

due to a rough and tumble childhood,

and we believe that therapy and pills in concert

will cure your perceptions of having a weak heart."

 

Passengers are not talking about me

when I get on the bus. I know they're not.

But their eyes oil over me and leave behind

residues of judgment and shame -- is that me

talking or the meds to keep myself from thinking

about what they're talking about?

 

The media has offered up the DSM-IV in bite-sized chunks

for the discerning public and private alike,

 

and they believe it in their hearts, because

it seems right. Well, be nice, act civilized,

show much much you know about being nice

and acting civilized. We're doing good things,

we can carry a conversation with him, just

not with our daughter. I won't even think it.

 

I came back from therapy yesterday; the shrink

told me to search for my "inner shrimp." He's

there, Michael. He's waiting in the wings

for you to make a decision: I mean, let's be

honest for a moment, Michael.

 

(I hate how he says my name

as though I were his goldfish)

 

Do you actually believe you're that tall?

It's not possible. Think of the tailors

you'd have to blow to get deals on clothes

that no real man would ever be able to fit into.

 

Now, I want you to count backwards from 100,

and with each number, I want you to feel the inches

shedding away. Can you do that for me, Michael?

Can you find the truth somewhere in there?

 

I count backwards from 100, and then my time's up.

I leave a check with the receptionist behind her

glass wall. Heh, she's looking out at me through

glass. And I'm looking in at her, through the same.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/9/2006:

> hey sloop- i wanted to add that i'll get a link to the Daily Limerick up on our

> site- i'm out of town this weekend, so it won't be until next week, but it will

> be there. thanks, and happy limericking!

>  

> -justin from mos funnel

These guys are gettin' to be real stalkers. Feature a band in Friday's crappy-assed ENTERTAIN YOURSELF section and this is the thanks you get.

Hmm. Next time we'll try Jennifer Love Hewitt... Nope, won't go there again. (A slippery slope to eventual death by sniper bullet in a book depository tower.)

Ahem.

But I hope you enjoy the exciting window into the life of a member of Mos Funnel that today's letter brings.

Kinda like Penthouse Forum letters.

Except without the sex.

But without the utter falsity, too.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2006:

Repressed Indonesians--for them

there's new Playboy version, but when

chicks pose, they're not nude

for Islam's got 'tude--

makes sense, unlike our FHMs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2006:

We've come up with a new word. Specifically a verb: to Spurlock.

We'll turn to Collin Powell, speaking at the National School Board Association annual conference this past weekend, in this case on Iraq:

"We made some serious mistakes."

There goes Collin Powell, Spurlockin'.

Let it sink in, there, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

And "mistakes," Collin? It's actually more correct in the singular.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 4/10/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Rectal Haiku

 

English teacher who

Loved commas, got a semi-

Colonoscopy

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/10/2006:

> SUBJECT: Mustache Man would like to be added as one of your friends!

Nary a day goes by when we don't wonder, "What, oh what would we do without that delightful MySpace account?"

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2006:

For China gig, Stones sold their souls.

Were censored in their rock 'n' roll.

Yet it's a good fit

'cause they're used to it--

just played the U.S. Super Bowl.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2006:

Countering reports that the U.S. is planning to bomb Iran over its nuclear ambitions, U.S. and British officials have gone into overtime issuing denials.

They're saying that such an attack could inflame U.S. problems in the Muslim world and, according to British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw, there is "no smoking gun" and "no justification for [military action]."

Wow. Missed the press conference about the change in international policy...

Headline:

"Beaver Population Reaches High in Illinois"

Cool. Just in time for the skimpier spring clothing.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2006:

Toward pure greed, for weddings we shimmy

so stores now are starting to jimmy

us t'ward such with parties--

bash registries starting--

like spoiled kids, here's list: Gimme gimme!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2006:

Headline:

"About 2 Million Americans Have Met Their Spouses Online--And More and More of Them are Divorcing"

So... What? Those schlubs are expecting an online-dating-prompted marriage to actually last?

As we near Easter, we should always remember to be grateful--you dated someone online and weren't found chopped-up in a forest preserve; embrace life's little miracles and get out of the house next time...

You may have heard about the hubbub in France over a movement to change the laws which protect youth jobs. Some argue these laws are progressive, others that they hurt employers in a way that harms France's overall economic opportunity.

In any event, this push to change the socialist system was heavily protested and given up on.

A news story yesterday reported that French student unions are "deciding whether to keep up the protests."

I think the student unions should keep their options open. Why not, say, just protest the lack of a current issue to protest?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/12/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Capsaicin

Yes--the title sounds a bit pharmaceutical for EAT IT!, but it actually refers to the chemical in hot peppers and such that causes them to be spicy.

And, speaking of sounding pharmaceutical, companies are now actually marketing capsaicin tablets because the word's out that the substance seems to fight cancer.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know Daily Limerick's prescription for getting capsaicin in your diet.

Oh, so what? At least you'll be regular.

Apparently, these tablet makers feel Americans have problems actually eating food--thus, the caplets.

Well, we suppose some may not like the taste of hot peppers, which would seem to be the market. But if you don't like spicy food... Do you really want to extend your bland, miserable life anyway?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2006:

Is bombing Iran Bush's penchant?--

no, Team says, it'd stoke Muslim tension

and proof's not arranged.

Such policy change

thought would have seen a prior mention.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2006:

Wishing you a passable Not Half-Bad Thursday!...

Massachusetts has passed a law mandating that all citizens have health insurance.

Liberals, especially, are cheering this development with frothed mouths and hoping the plan spreads to other states

The reasoning? If everybody has health insurance, hospitals don't jack up their prices so that everybody pays for the non-insured they treat, etc., etc. Thus, a backdoor means of getting everybody insured and keeping costs down.

Plus, in the true American Way, those responsible for the Healthcare Hades, the insurance companies, profit even MORE from the fixing of the problem THOSE VERY BASTARDS caused!...

Headline:

"No Abuse in Basic Training in Kindler, Gentler Army: Drill Sergeants are More Mentor than Menace These Days"

And, of course, to be fair, terrorists and other potential U.S. enemies are softening their own versions of soldier training...

Another Headline:

"Biker in Canada Accused of Killing 8 Others was 'Nicest Man'"

I bet we can come up with somebody nicer if you give us, oh, a nanosecond...

The NBA "playoffs" are coming up. In which, of course, the finest teams compete for the title of league champion.

"Finest teams" being, well, those in the top half.

I guess the next logical step for pro basketball is pulling a California-P.C. and doing away with scores and self-esteem-challenging "losses" altogether...

 "The Breakup," an upcoming movie starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, will see a different ending than originally planned because test audiences didn't like the original.

Leave it to Hollywood to out-lame the concept of "paint-by-numbers" art...

Tip for hip-hop reviewers:

How can you review a new artist without some quote--even the tiniest snippet--from the rapper's lyrics? Of course lyrics are largely disposable in pop and rock but... Oh, that's right. Hip-hop is now fully mainstream so maybe...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/13/2006:

> You are invited to be a reader of Mystery Cookie's blog.

More MySpace mail.

We'll check out your blog, Mr. Cookie, once you get a real--aka non-MySpace--site.

And, considering you ARE exclusively on MySpace... We'll wait 'til you're a bit older than 15, too.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2006:

French students protested new laws

which soon were struck, fulfilling cause.

But rather than resting

they kept on protesting--

free time without protest seemed flawed.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2006:

US Weekly reports Britney Spears met with "Will & Grace's" Sean Hayes about a possible future sitcom after her recent guest appearance on the show.

Please. This is cruel and unusual. It's best to give her career a mercy killing at this point...

Unless, of course, Britney's interested in porn...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/14/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Dr. Kickbutt's Orchestra of Death (& Aaron Baer)

Aaron Baer is the cat behind Dr. Kickbutt's Orchestra of Death--and you need to view his Web site at http://www.aaron-baer.com for any DKOOD info--so, in singling him out as an ENTERTAIN YOURSELF pick, we're trusting that his solo stuff and other band endeavors are as delightful as DKOOD.

Actually, considering the statistical improbability of one having another project AS delightful as Dr. Kickbutt's Orchestra of Death, let's say we're trusting his other projects are NEARLY AS delightful as DKOOD.

The Good Doctor himself, Aaron, dressed up for the gig I witnessed, even sporting a tie, which, with his long-haired, rockin' appearance otherwise, lent a "Weird Al Yankovic" air to the act. They launched into tunes like "Alexander's Ragtime Band" using not only jug band instrumentation (saws and the like) but a bassoon and other tools from a wide array of musical spectrums.

The Good Doctor and his bandmates consider Dr. Kickbutt's Orchestra of Death to be a "side project" of sorts.

Here's our advice: Dump everything else. And not just the music projects. Sell everything you own and invest every cent and action in Doctor Kickbutt's Orchestra of Death!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/14/2006:

> Hey you're sponsored now?!?

Well of course...sort of. We're... Oh, it's probably best not to go into details that'll only serve to up DL's rating on the Pathetic-O-Meter.

But don't you worry, letter writing nutrod and the rest of you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Sponsorship will in no way affect the integrity of Daily Limerick!

Er... Did we just type "integrity"?

We've got a lot of nerve, don't we?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2006:

An honest man made bought hooker's meal-er

yet to his wife sought not to squealer.

Transgression addressed--

he came forth, "confessed"

to visit to a "Hummer dealer."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2006:

The deck headline screamed, regarding karaoke: "For Some, it's Just a Fun Night Out; for Others, it's Almost Therapeutic"

Funny. We didn't know that "therapeutic" also implied that something could drive one into therapy...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2006:

DL wishes you Happy Easter!

We hope you're attending some feast-er!

And when your dame dines

be gen'rous pour'n' wine

and later take her in the keyster!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2006:

In case you haven't heard, cable channel Censorship Central...er, Comedy Central blocked portions of the latest "South Park" episode because it contained an animated portrayal of the Muslim prophet Mohammed and, of course... Well, if you're THAT out of touch with current events, there are better places to catch up on them than Daily Limerick, as much as it pains us to admit it, Paris.

Anyway, according to this particular Corporate Taliban--and isn't it funny how we grow more and more like that "ousted" regime all the time?--"In light of recent events, we feel we've made the right decision."

Uh, suits? We at Daily Limerick felt you made the wrong decision--in light of not-so-recent events, primarily some that occurred around 1776...

By the way, can you whiny, clueless, paint-by-numbers wannabe "progressives" shut up about George W. Bush for a second?

When it concerns the greatest current threats to our personal liberties and the First Amendment, well... Bush? Pfft. Fascism, sure, but small-time fascism.

Look instead way to your Left...

Kinda says something when two recent South Parks have been raped, one due to pandering to Muslim religious whackjobs and one due to pandering to other terrorists, namely Hollywood scientologists...

(By the way, we now refuse to capitalize that pay-as-you-go "religion"...)

Headline:

"Bird Flu Expected to Arrive in U.S. Soon"

Ooh. Really scared. No "Boy Who Cried Wolf" syndrome here at all. No sir.

While you're freaking out, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, don't forget we'll all be on metric before you know it and soccer will be the biggest U.S. sport...

Recently learned that the Canadian government doles out tax money to small businesses. Including up-and-coming musicians.

But I'm sure we don't hear much Canadian-skewed protest rock because the government is perfect. Only a true cynic would imply forces more sinister at work here...

Okay everybody, especially newspaper feature writers and Hollywood types, we'd like to draw your attention to a popular term:

"Gender-bending."

Stop it. Stop it NOW.

We've in fact reached a point where we need to go back to gender BINDING...

LETTER TO AN ADVICE COLUMNIST THAT ANSWERS ITSELF IN THE FIRST PHRASE 4/16/2006:

"Dear Ellie:

"I met a great guy over the Internet..."

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/16/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My First Concert

The first concert I attended, beyond a sister's recital or what-have-you, was Judas Priest.

Before you go dating me, though, realize that Priest was into their autumn years at the time... Oh, okay. I'LL date me: It was...1984? Or close to it, anyway. (And on a side note, I wouldn't "date me" in any other manner. Not even if I were gay.)

I had just started embracing heavy metal at the time and was in fact a sort of wannabe. Just starting to buy an Ozzy album here, a Motley Crue there (shudder). And a friend piped up: "We're goin' to see Priest. Wanna come?"

Which all meant that I had to run out and get some Judas Priest. Got the latest from them at the time, "Defenders of the Faith," and taped the release just before it from a friend, "Screamin' for Vengeance."

Marijuana made its way around at the show, speaking of wannabe-ism, and I was at a point where I'd decided I would plunge down that sordid path but hadn't just yet. So when I was offered the bowl, I asked the guy in our group whom I was closest to if he were gonna partake. He said "no" and, thus, so did I.

The show didn't turn me into the biggest of Priest fans--in fact, nothing ever did--but I picked up a concert T-shirt nonetheless.

And, naturally, wore it to school the very next day.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/16/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Family tree in a strand of hair

 

My lover got a haircut

-- styled hair cupping her head

in its shining hands. Her mother

told her she should save a piece

of her shorn locks for me.

 

The impulses that love nurtures,

bizarre and brilliant. An urge

to secure bits of our bodies

in care of the other.

 

Her mother might have even performed

the ritual herself. When she was a child,

she would have learned it from her mother.

A tuft from that teacher somewhere,

old love in a hidden locket.

 

In winsome detail she becomes

a person who has been wooed,

rejected, loved, and all the rest.

Her daughter -- my lover --

continues the story,

transferring history, and building new cities,

along connected lines.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2006:

New ancient texts found say that Judas

might not have been such a bad dude-as.

What hubbub! Debatin'

old fiction creations

by kings to control and delude us.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2006:

Headline:

"From Megastar to Crackhead: Who's to Blame for Whitney Houston's Very Public Descent? Herself, One Writer Argues"

In a nutshell, what's wrong with our modern society. The mere fact that one would have to ARGUE that someone is responsible for his or her own life...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 4/17/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Correctal Haiku

 

English teacher who

Loved commas, got a semi-

Colonoscopy

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2006:

The latest current events twists

spotlight top "God"-based terrorists.

We all know 'bout Muslims--

new Free Speech-dumb cousins

are Tinseltown's Sci'ntologists!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2006:

Previously we thought there could be an exception for, oh, CEOs of large companies, the President of the United States, etc. But we've revised that position.

Nobody, and we mean NOBODY, is important enough that they need to walk around blabbing into a cell phone earpiece...

Here in Chicago, there is often talk of a "36 Bus."

Though naturally a skeptic, I, the Chief Limericist, spent much time waiting for this fabled vehicle yesterday.

For those of you outside of Chicago, think "Abominable Snowman" or "Bigfoot."

Sometimes, perhaps we all just wanna believe, if even for a moment.

Or 25 freakin' minutes followed by walking home with your goddamned groceries and having two--count 'em, two!--pass you only when you're a block from your home, the bastards...

My mother has a way of co-opting the accents of others she's speaking with. (Chief Limericist checking in here.) For example, when she's around Yoopers (inhabitants of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, who have that Canadian Speak going), she'll engage in the habit of adding "eh?" to the end of sentences and such.

I first remember noticing this parroting of others when my mother would speak with my Polish (-American) grandmother. Grandma had an "accent," of sorts, or at least odd pronunciation (she was born in the U.S. but raised in a Polish-speaking household). This would include "tree" for the letter "three," for instance, and a selection of strange word choices--"Comical" for humorous, "parlor" for living room, "satchel" for bad, etc.

Well it got me to wondering... What would you call a non-Polish person who played the "wannabe" Poleock? You know--a term like "wigger"?

A black person might be a Noleock. Or an Afri-lock. And a white person might be a...Wollock? Only... It would help if the Poles had a word for non-Poles, serving a function like "goy" or "gringo."

There must be a more convenient term than "one who tries to break his arm raking leaves, by falling out of a tree, but falls short.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/18/2006:

> Are you avaiable at all this Saturday for some man on the street stuff, if

> so what time.  Any suggestions for people to pitch in and help?

>

> Doink The Clone

We don't get your average junk mail here at Daily Limerick.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2006:

Please bring us a Hollywood ending--

there's term that's use seems never-ending

so give it a rest

enough damn "progress":

Please nothing more called "gender-bending"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2006:

Since 2000 190,000 students has had their financial aid cut-off due to being convicted of crimes.

Not just ANY crimes, mind you. But only for DRUG CRIMES!

Had you worried for a moment there, didn't we? You were thinking of all those young people with their futures screwed over stupid but all-too-human youth dalliances like murder...

Former Illinois Gov. George Ryan was just found guilty of extortion and mail fraud and a whole potpourri of crimes. He has maintained his innocence all along and was quoted as saying, "I have no feeling of guilt."

Which is a bit misleading. Of COURSE he doesn't have feelings of guilt. The conscience disintegrates after about six months of a career in politics (if it even existed going in)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' ANNUAL SPRING SUMMER REMINDER 4/19/2006:

If you have ugly-ass feet, do something about 'em and or lose the sandals...

And if you're a guy, bag the sandals altogether, there, girlie man. Unless you're a) living in a desert; b) a professional gladiator; of c) a mincing, flaming homosexual...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/19/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pot Popcorn

The microwave is a wonderful modern convenience, of course. Without it, Hot Pockets would never have been invented!

But the 'wave has done some culinary damage. One prime example is the de-delicio-fication of popcorn.

Microwave popcorn, you see, sucks ass.

Whip out a big ol' pot, toss in a few teaspoons of oil, get a half-cup of popcorn kernels... Directions will likely be on the package, lest we waste valuable digressin' space.

An especially tasty version can be made with an actual popcorn pot--that is, one that is used primarily for the poppin' o' the corn and thus is infused with that oily, buttery, salty ectoplasm.

Return to your childhood with a pot of old fashioned, stove-popped popcorn! Or return to a time before you were born with it, anyway.

You can melt the butter in the microwave if you'd like. And then pour some on your hot ass and... Ahem.

That's a different "Pull-Out" section altogether.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/19/2006:

> You've received an event invitation on MySpace

It's for tomorrow night.

If DL suddenly ceases operation after this edition, start your search with the nearest forest preserve to HQ...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2006:

Our Free Speech gung-ho's near bereft

thanks to Politic'lly Correct.

Those Muslim 'toons proved it--

the Fascist Press movement's

now most dangerous from...the Left?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2006:

The Chicago Police Department is offering $100 gift cards for any guns turned in to the authorities. No questions asked.

See, guns are illegal in the city.

And when somebody effectively receives an extra $100 toward their budget, it conveniently allows them to purchase, say, a really nice new gun...

Yet another movie is coming out blaming McDonald's for that fact that our lazy, gluttonous asses are fat.

This one's based on the book, "Fast Food Nation."

Also, a new book is coming out with the same "Shock: The Sky is Blue" premise: "Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want To Know About Fast Food."

Excerpt from the Amazon.com write-up of the tome:

"Scheduled for release May 10 and is aimed at 11-to 13-year-olds. The book is written by Charles Wilson, a vegetarian..." Well.

There you go.

Never trust a vegetarian to tell you about meat-related matters.

Actually, never trust a lily-livered vegetarian for anything, really...

Headline:

"Artificial Rain to Help Clean Beijing After Dust Storm"

Can't imagine any bad side effects from something like that. No siree...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/20/2006:

> You've received an event invitation on MySpace

Again?

Please, please knock it off. Only horror can be found in meeting up with somebody this way, intriguing as a long walk on the beach and a forest preserve picnic may sound...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2006:

Thank pussified nation's complaining

for kinder, gentler basic training.

Yeah, right--terrorists

will add the same twist

to nutball recruitment campaigning.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2006:

The price of gas reportedly may reach $4 a gallon this summer and, of course, folks are pissed off.

Anger is mostly directed at oil companies and politicians because, of course, a conspiracy must be involved when prices rise for a non-renewable/finite substance for which demand is now trumping supply...

From the Chicago Sun-Times' advice column, "Ask Ellie":

"Tip of the Day: Repeated affairs are a call to end or rebuild the marriage."

And, believe it or not, that expert advice is FREE (at least with a newspaper purchase)...

Don't forget:

The NBA regular season begins this weekend!

Sure, it's a bit odd, seeing as its sprawling preseason eliminates 50 percent of the teams, and that the regular season also functions as playoffs, but it's multi-month and all, just like any other regular season...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/21/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Indoor Kids

The Indoor Kids are a great band. (http://www.theindoorkids.com)

We'd even venture to say they're DARN great.

And... Yup. Took crappy notes again. Don't remember too much detail and are on a bit of a deadline rush.

But they have a band member whose only apparent function is to stand on stage and smoke. So that's an attraction...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/21/2006:

> You've received an event invitation on MySpace

Hmm. We've done the forest preserve jokes on this...twice...the "long walks on the beach"...the fact that MySpace is really just a haven for 15-year-olds... Leaves us no choice.

We're gonna start ignoring these as publishable letters, at this point...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2006:

A girlie, for Burl, lifted halter;

consentingly, he did assault her.

'Twasn't 'til he dinged her

that he saw her finger

was hosting the Rock of Gibraltar.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2006:

Today's Earth Day!

Hmm.

Whatever happened to Arbor Day, anyway?

Earth Day was started by a kook. There's a Lifetime movie about him, "The Unicorn Killer."

Nebraska still has, emblazoned on signs upon entering its borders, "Home of Arbor Day." Thus, Nebraska, contrary to popular belief, is cool.

Hmm, again.

This just in: Earth Day is hella-lame!...

Happy Cheezy Saturday!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2006:

Students who get financial aid

find grants and loans get yanked--unpaid.

When one gets drug busted;

they just can't be trusted

(though murder or rape's A-OK).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2006:

Fight on the Right Side of the War Against Personal Responsibility--Consider Stuffing a Big Fast Food Burger in Your Maw Today!...

How do you like the new standing head, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers?...

Now, DL/S&Y has a bit of a reputation for ranting on organized religion. Nonetheless, we have all the while maintained, as in all our opinions on specific groups, that while generalizing about groups is perfectly natural, we allot for their to be much difference among the individuals within. That is, we exhibit the inclusiveness--as long as you ain't hurtin' me or others, do whatever you want--as Political Correctivism seeks to foment among the populace (on a superficial level, anyway).

So... We just read about Cardinals Carlo Maria Martini, retired archbishop of Milan; Javier Lozano Barragan of Mexico; and others who, although stopping short of shunning the Catholic prohibition on birth control, preach that condoms are the "lesser evil" in the battle against the greater evil of AIDS.

So there. Back to discussing the rampant pedophilia problem...

First, "reality" TV makes a splash--home movies from the superficial and/or kookoo. Next, the most popular television show on TV amounts to glorified karaoke. Golf, poker and NASCAR follow as hipster "spectator" fare.

Now, Chris Bliss has become an Internet sensation with a video attracting 20 million viewers in six weeks.

No, he isn't the latest to boink Paris Hilton.

It's a video of juggling.

Yup. Juggling.

Oh, juggling to a Beatles tune. Specifically, "Carry That Weight."

Mark our words. We will be watching grass grow on TV/Internet soon--and probably throwing parties around key episodes, at that. All we're lacking is the right Hollywood executive...

The Chicago Festival of Disability Art and Culture is happening as you read.

Interestingly, I noted a performer involved stating how he didn't want to be treated "special" or as a "victim." In fact, that's the general theme of his act. You know, for this festival that's very existence singles him out as special...

Read today, for the first time, this term: "Pre-Kindergarten."

There truly is no hope for humanity.

***

DL/S&Y URGES YOU TO E-MAIL A SLIMEBALL LAWYER WITH YOUR THOUGHTS 4/23/2006:

E-mail Jeffrey Winikow of the California Employment Lawyers Association.

"California Employment Lawyers Association." Pfft.

Anyway, Winikow represents/represented Amaani Lyle, who sued Warner Bros. because, as an employee of the show "Friends'" writing team, she claims harassment based on naughty banter in brainstorming sessions.

You Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have seen "Friends," right?

Many amusing quotes are attributed to Winikow, an agent in the War on Fun.

The California Supreme Court, however, ruled against Lyle. Praise the Lord. (And we're not prone to praisin'.)

Anyway, e-mail Winikow about it at jwinikow@yahoo.com. There you have it. Fair and balanced.

The assplunger...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/23/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: That Scott Guy

In grade school, there was this guy in my class, Buford.

No, it was Scott, ya' punchmunchers.

Anyway, I barely interacted with Scott. Knew him. Had nothing against him. Heck, liked him. But he was, to me anyway, one of those guys who is just...THERE. Wasn't the most popular, but wasn't a nerd. Wasn't large, wasn't puny. Wasn't funny, but wasn't dull. Etc.

One day, in art class (in which I dreamed of boning Miss Dahm, our teacher, or doing something to her, not really understanding the fine art of boinking at that time... Well.

Anyway, another friend of mine was prattling on about some chick and saying she had chapped lips. He also blathered some speculative tale about her and I kissing. (Chief Limericist well checked-in, here.)

At this point, That Scott Guy turned to our table and said, "John would NEVER kiss a girl with chapped lips." And promptly clammed.

My relationship, or "relationship" with That Scott Guy continued at its pre-established level from then on out. Barely interacted. Not friendly, but not distant. Blah blah freakin' blah.

Never understood that lil' outburst.

How's that for pointless?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/23/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Sarpa salpa

 

Called the rabbitfish for going

down the hole, around the roots

and back out the hole. Emerging

first by the nose. What Indo-Pacific

meals does it ingest to fill its head

with noise and thoughts? These dreams

terrify me:

 

the roar of six twisters

decimating my town. They're filled with

lazy violence, indiscriminate and casual.

The face of the 99-cent store shorn away.

Oh yawn, they seem to say. Debris

crashing through bus windows. I barely

escape with my life and they've only begun.

 

It's only a screen for the real fear I feel.

I'm fixating on a point of light --

a burning white sheet electrocuting the sky

before superheated wind blows down the blind.

It would be the little details that remained,

their frozen scorched shadows behind

stopped clocks, within perverted genes.

 

There is no lysergic dream in this bit of fish.

It prefers to write my paranoias large. The world

is full of wonder, but my eyes are clouded.

I am afraid to sleep without praying

first, that there will not soon be a dusk

where one sun sinks as another blooms up.

 

And in that little piece of time,

would love still find its way to the windows?

I'd watch it for a moment then let it in and grasp it,

even if the last thing I did.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/23/2006:

> Hello!

> I've been working evening hours this week to help with the launch of the new

> Idaho Statesman and will only be in sporadically during the daytime.

> If you need immediate assistance, please contact David Parker at

> deparker@idahostatesman.com or 672-6731.

> Thanks,

> Holly Anderson

> Treasure/Thrive/Mountain Living

Well, then. Will keep that in mind for all those morning jogs taking us into Idaho.

And... No. Can't go for the lame-o, easy Idaho potshot.

Well... What the hell?

Send me a potato, if you get a chance.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2006:

New city programs "buy back" guns.

With no questions asked's how they're run.

Gives criminals cash

to lose their gun stash--

then go out and buy brand new one!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2006:

Fight on the Right Side of the War Against Personal Responsibility--Consider Stuffing a Big Fast Food Burger in Your Maw Today!...

My Sunday newspaper brought me news of the Danbury Mint selling a special, Chicago Cubs-themed "Victory Plane" Christmas ornament. Driven by Santa Claus.

Santa Claus, "Victory" and the Cubs. Somehow, it all fits together...

Ever since once having a month-to-month lease beginning on move-in day, the 24th has always set off an alarm in my head crying, "It's due day for rent!"

So... I don't know... Blow your landlord or something to celebrate?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 4/24/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Quick Surgery Haiku

 

Cardiac transplants

Doctor was singing "Two hearts

In three-quarter time"

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2006:

As gas gallons soon hit four dollars

at Big Oil, we're hot under collar.

Though they play a hand

supply and demand

can't change to assuage our mad hollers.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2006:

Fight on the Right Side of the War Against Personal Responsibility--Consider Stuffing a Big Fast Food Burger in Your Maw Today!...

Osama bin Laden's making his big comeback! New video and all! Same signature style!

Kinda hoping he'd announce this as his "farewell tour," of sorts although, really, has anybody else REALLY bid adieu with a "farewell tour"?...

NFL cornerback Ricky Manning, Jr. (currently up-for-grabs, team-wise) has been arrested for his part in a melee at... a Denny's restaurant.

Now it's official: No good can come of black people entering Denny's....

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/25/2006:

In reply to yesterday's Limerick, commenting on the trend of big city police departments giving cash for gun turn-ins:

> i did that. when i was teenager i traded in two

> illegal guns for sox tickets!

I believe he is referring to the Chicago White Sox, and not the Boston Red Sox, although there are probably minor league and college teams with a "sox" moniker, too.

At least he didn't buy another gun, though. Or worse.

He could've bought (shudder) CUBS TICKETS!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2006:

Though our culture, bin Laden skewers

(in fact he views it as a sewer)

he's taken a seed

of us for a lead

with his video's comeback "tour."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2006:

Fight on the Right Side of the War Against Personal Responsibility--Consider Stuffing a Big Fast Food Burger in Your Maw Today!...

Headline:

"Iran Says it Might Drop Out of Nuke Treaty if U.N. Cracks Down"

Oh no! Iran might stop adhering to the treaty it's already not adhering to! This is dire because...well, because... Hey, semantics are important. That's why we have a U.N., really: To enforce international semantics...

At Chicago's Muslim Community Center, some repairs/rehab went down and, afterward, one long-standing traditional feature was absent: A curtain separating male worshippers from female.

There is hubbub about whether or not the curtain should go back up.

Make that hubbub light.

An informal poll of female members found that about half are in favor of keeping it and half in favor of bringing it back.

We at DL/S&Y just don't "get" women (and other minorities) apparently content to live with second-tier status.

You may be familiar with the joke: "What's the best way to keep a woman?" Oh, and it has a punchline, too: "Beat her."

You can add a second part to that punchline: "...or convert her to Muslim"...

Headline:

"Most Canadians Want to Legalize Going Topless at Beach"

Take a good look at the adult population around you.

And remind any Canadian friends of the age-old advice: Careful what you wish for...

Quote from Bill Paxton, regarding his role in the TV drama, "Big Love":

"I'm not trying to burden the American public with my butt, but you've got to be equal opportunity with showing skin."

Uh, not you don't, Bill. In fact, this is the one double-standard we need embrace...

Dana Stevens, executive producer of the new, doomed show "What About Brian," on writing a show about men from a sensitive, thoughtful point of view:

"I wanted to write about this guy [an "average" single guy] because this guy is the endless mystery to so many women in this country."

Are you ready, ladies? Here's the answer to this "male-thinking mystery":

He's either thinking about sex, food or sports. Oh, perhaps he's the artsy type, and he'll think about that now and then. In order to produce art about sex or food.

Save this mystery crap for women; actually, give up--that one'll never be "solved"...

Nick Lachey, formerly semi-famous for second-class boy-banding and formerly actually famous from boinking Jessica Simpleton, has released a new album of songs dwelling in his heartbreak over the divorce and all.

Guess we need to charge Jessica with aiding and abetting cultural terrorism...

Headline:

"College Bans MySpace.com to Speed Up Computers"

Specifically, Del Mar College in Corpus Christi, TX.

See? Despite spawning George Dubya Bush, Texas is delightfully progressive in some ways...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 4/26/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Millie, My Cat

One of my two cats goes by Millie.

How do I know she's "my" cat?

Recently, upon returning home from the grocery store, I noticed her nuzzling up against one of the bags I set on the floor as I hung my coat and such.

Cat food? Something still warm from the deli counter?

Nope. A pork shoulder roast. The most delicious, moist roast on earth.

And easier than shit to prepare, Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bachelors. Throw in at 350, check with a meat thermometer until it's ready (usually, a couple hours, dependent on size). Adds potatoes, onions, mushrooms, what-have-you.

Pay attention to your cats. You can learn a lot about life from 'em.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2006:

Canadians want beaches topless--

bare breasts there no crime on the cop's list.

But sizes increase;

we're growing obese--

if this becomes trend, we must stop this!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2006:

Fight on the Right Side of the War Against Personal Responsibility--Consider Stuffing a Big Fast Food Burger in Your Maw Today!...

A Pew Research Center telephone poll finds that 1 in 4 Americans are dieting.

Setting aside that, as may "experts" say, "dieting doesn't work" (it requires a lifestyle change and all), and that the definition of "dieting" runs a gamut, we're making progress.

Twenty-five percent of the population dieting, a mere 50 percent who need it left to go...

The Chicago Sun-Times' "Food" section yesterday actually included a recipe for "Tunnel of Fudge Cake."

A great introduction to REALLY cooking for the "bi-curious," I guess...

You could say the same about that recipe for "metrosexuals," we suppose.

"Bi-curious," "metrosexual,"  "flaming gay yet closeted"--potato, potahto, poteeto...

Tomorrow is Arbor Day.

Last Friday in April, for future reference.

So ready your Home-of-Arbor-Day-(Nebraska)-Style cuisine and garb. We don't know...throw on some overalls or something and grill a side of beef.

Screw that Earth Day noise and go with the original!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2006:

It's Arbor Day--why's day eclipsed

by lame Earth day? Well, here's our tip:

Go out, plant a tree!

Earth Day's for hippies

and guilty white lib'rals with lisps!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2006:

Fight on the Right Side of the War Against Personal Responsibility--Consider Stuffing a Big Fast Food Burger in Your Maw Today!...

I must confess that for what must've been the first, or one of the first Earth Day's, I entered a school poetry competition as a 6th grader and won!

Just to come clean, with all the ED bashing.

But come to think of it... My bashing Earth Day, despite finding good fortune through its hella-lame-ity, actually displays some journalistic "integrity."

Or is that more properly written "journalistic" integrity?...

Just saw an ad, with a big, full-on honkin' photo, for Rob Thomas with Jewel.

What is the world coming to?

I'm just frightened, that's all. White-knuckling, blood-curdling screamin'-inside frightened...

You know those comics, prevalent in urban "alt" weeklies, whereby the same panel is reproduced repeatedly (usually thrice) and different speech balloons are used to tell the story supplementing the same repeated drawing?

Kitschy. Amusingly cheezy. Creative. Fifteen years ago.

Stop it. Stop it now...

Thrice?

THRICE?

Pfft.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 4/28/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Medicine Hat

Medicine Hat is rockin', in fact slightly '70s rockin' and... Ahem.

Worst music critic in the history of the planet checking in, by the way.

Ahem.

Well, in journalism, as well as in "journalism," there is a saying that good writing aims to "show, not tell."

So:

http://www.medicinehatband.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2006:

To lucky guys landing a threesome--

finding two dames who at once please him:

It's tough pleasin' one chick

so as fantasies click

think of nerds cryin' out, "Please give ME some!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2006:

Fight on the Right Side of the War Against Personal Responsibility--Consider Stuffing a Big Fast Food Burger in Your Maw Today!...

Speaking of today's Limerick... Tune in tomorrow, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, for details on the Chief Limericist's (hardly) famous THREESOME!...

Okay, here's what I'm pitchin' some Tinseltown suit:

A romantic, yet pornographic, comedy.

Sure. You laugh now but... Later, it won't be so funny.

Actually, of COURSE it will. Or it'll at least try, being a "comedy" and all.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2006:

Pers'nal responsibility

attacked--don't smoke; no Mickey D's!

From Fringe Left's the twist--

just like terrorists

they hate fact that free choice is free!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2006:

See today's SUNDAY STORY TIME for the tale of our Chief Limericist's (not really) famous threesome!...

The Lollapalooza aging rock festival is set to appear in Chicago Grant Park this summer and, as part of a promotional event, organizers gave out rolling papers.

Grant Park being maintained by the Chicago Park District, one cog in the massive city government machine, this caused hubbub and the promotion was stopped in its tracks.

But there's no need to question a mega-mergered music industry that's tours have become so expensive it needs to cooperate with governments. The wide-eyed ultra-conservative, free-market-in-every-detail frothing mouths may believe in privatizing everything, but rebellion remains a rare exception...

Archer Daniels Midland, a producer of corn products in myriad forms, is partly responsible for soaring gas prices.

Of course, supply and demand are most at work here, but ADM is one of the heavy hitters that pushed for greater ethanol requirements for gas dealers. Ethanol is a corn product added to gas which, in theory, can make gas last longer but, in practice, more than de-compensates for the benefit through other costs associated with its use.

All companies oil-related are under scrutiny lately.

So ADM fills its vacant CEO position with a former oil executive.

Sounds like a bad PR move, huh?

Then again, the specific exec ADM hires is Patricia A. Woertz, thus becoming the largest publicly held company to ever hire a female CEO.

See how that works?...

Katharine DeBrecht is a children's book author. Her works include many delightful tales for the carefree all-too-short period of childhood, including... Well: "Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under My Bed!"

It's never too early to foment the mindless partisanship that's ensuring we're all divided, conquered and, most importantly, good and screwed by government...

I'll show ya' why they're called "pumps"!

Whoops! That wasn't meant for S&Y...it was...from my grocery list, but what the hell?

I'll have you know, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that I have some ribald thoughts in the grocery store.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 4/30/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Big Threesome

A number of moons ago, during a Chicago spring, coming after a long-awaited thaw and thus all the more likely to turn a young man's fancy to... Aw, I suppose there's no good reason to sugar-coat this lame tale:

A chick who'd been stalking me offered up a threesome. I was trying to shake her, and her friend and fellow threesome-ite, although better looking than she, wasn't super hot herself, and so I declined.

Although threesomes are still, in my opinion, the stuff of porn and people who's lives might as well be extra-planetary, I had an offer once.

So, considering I had one offer in my first twenty-five years, by the time I'm fifty... Well, I suppose I'll be lucky to score a twosome by then, so screw all you lucky bastards who've landed actual threesomes.

But I'll be you took quantity over quality on some level--and don't tell me otherwise.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 4/30/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: When I am a young woman, I shall wear purple

 

She stole your husband. Even though

she had a large purple purse.

You used to tattle that detail without

being able to hide your smile.

Your friends nodded approvingly

at your takedown of her over drinks.

Support is hardly the time to wonder,

pick away at, make suggestions.

 

Concentrating on the problem

wouldn't solve it. A moment you'd

discover that clearly identified

your damaging mistakes

multiplied into more moments,

strung up beads on barbed wire.

 

It couldn't be pinned down,

the first time his heart chilled

at the sight of you. You were a solid

wall against the lure of that stupid girl

and her oversized purple purse. You felt

it was true, and so it was true. Please,

your insight, your sense of humor,

your intellect.

 

They were grotesque by design, and they worked.

Just get him laughing at dinner and you

would see the tiredness leave his eyes.

In the space of a joke,

you were both young

and the world was yours to indulge in.

Your friends also aided you. Your doubts

fell out of your mouth along the table,

and they tipped their drinks your way,

dissected your worries as falsehoods,

and you were comforted. It was all yes.

 

The strain of your marriage was a string

on a guitar that, when plucked, produced

a sour buzzing that penetrated the silence

but also was easy to deny, being so quiet.

When was the last time you had genuinely laughed?

When was the last time you had kissed him

and not had somebody else's name in your mouth?

 

That dumb bitch and her ugly vinyl purse.

So young and fresh and brilliant and egotistical.

You can have him, honey. Enjoy the yawning cracks

that appear after the hot flush of sex dissipates.

Awfully, deeper than that bitterness was this kindness:

you wished for him that he had finally found love.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 4/30/2006:

> Dear Sir,

> Hello from England (the old one on t'other side of the Pond).

> I am a collector of limerick books, with over 400 in my library which I hope to

> create a museum for one day, before I snuff it. It looks like you have at least

> one such beast (Fistful ....) and I would be pleased to learn how I might buy a

> copy (signed would be a nice bonus).

>

> In passing, I recommend www.oedilf.com.

> Thanks for listening,

> Doug

> Doug Harris

> 17 Grosvenor Road

> Stockton-on-Tees

> TS19 7AE

> England

> UK

Well, cheery-o and all that bloody balderdash! If it isn't one of those chaps from that lil' nation whose people butcher the hell outta speakin' American!

He apparently stumbled upon SLOOP'S BOOKS, in the SLOOP CENTRAL portion of the site, which describes some of the Chief Limericist's book proposals in various stages of disarray. ("Fistful o' Limerick.")

This is one way of saying we don't really HAVE a physical book to send you.

But a LIMERICK MUSEUM?

Be still our aching loins!

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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