Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2006:

'Mong pageant world, now there's a push

to ban swimsuit part (P.C. mush).

Experience botching

for two, three still watching

who mostly tune-in for mild tush.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2006:

The Iranian government is banning use of the word "pizza" and encouraging media and such to use an unwieldy, non-Western term like "elastic loaf" instead.

Now, what the hell kinda government would ban certain WORDS from public media? And, geez, come to think of it, social elements in play are probably effectively banning others, as well.

Words, we tell you! Despite all of us growing up on playgrounds hearing the catchphrase about "sticks and stones"?

For that matter, what kinda society would quibble over the use of certain words in a pathetic, desperate attempt to alter the overall thinking of a populace...why, we just can't imagine...

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2006:

Though t'ward creed and women they be

the def'nition of un-P.C.

elite lib'ral 'pocrisy

roots Muslim-ocracy--

underdog o'er free Israelis.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2006:

So Mel Gibson's blaming this mysterious, unproven-despite-millions-spent-proving-it-annually disease of "alcoholism" for even the anti-Semitic tirade he launched into after his DUI arrest.

That's why I quit drinkin'. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) Never said or even thought anything bad about Jews my whole life, but get a few drinks in me and my manual dexterity's off, my speech is slurred and the anti-Jew stuff starts flyin'!...

Saw a mention in the newspaper yesterday about West Nile Virus.

Just double-checked and, no, we didn't somehow pick up the Aug. 1, 2005 newspaper. It was this year's.

So...what happened to the freaking out we were so fond of last year?

Oh, that's right! We now have Bird Flu fueling our beloved Panic Without a Cause...

Headline:

"North, South Korea Swap Shots at Border"

Hmm.

But since the Major Media are downplaying the story, what with the actions of Hezbollah, Iran and Syria to spill ink on, perhaps DL/S&Y was wrong about WWIII kicking in...

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SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/2/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Bird Man

A few moons back, when I was in high school wrestling (Chief Limericist checking in again, here), I attended a tournament. There was one of those giant, "tree" drawing diagrams on a wall, showing whom each wrestler faced-off against and whom the winners would face in each round (naturally to be filled in as matches concluded and some were eliminated and some advanced).

My slot on the tournament tree identified me as "Birdman."

I noticed some fun-making by onlookers at the expense of "Birdman." But I did obtain some revenge, taking fourth in state for my weight class in the tournament.

It wasn't until recently, however, that I realized how fitting the "Birdman" label is.

Most summers, I make a ritual of barbecuing almost every weekend. And after making my long-marinated, barbecued chicken once, a friend of mine took to requesting it every barbecue. ("Steaks sound good...but you could probably make a half-dozen chicken legs or so, too.")

Then, a colleague of mine at Chicago Artists' News saw fit to mention my FRIED chicken in his column, causing mild buzz among co-workers and readers concerning my forte for fowl.

Soon after THAT, a friend of mine in L.A. fires off a "how are things?" e-mail (if you must know, Mike "Boom" Chmielecki, of Sunday "Accursed Verse" fame)--and asks if I've made "that honey jalopeno chicken" lately.

Thus, I am The Bird Man.

"I believe I can fry..."

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2006:

When alcohol's drunk, things occur--

dexterity's down, vision's blurred.

But Mel Gibson gets

strange case of Tourette's

which causes anti-Semite slurs.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2006:

The National Endowment for the Arts is tossing some of its scarce money at the "Poetry Out Loud" competition because poetry performance, as their mouthpieces put it, is one of the "latest trends in poetry."

NOTE: The Poetry Slam officially debuted in 1986.

Nonetheless, its high time academics came up with an alternative to the annoying excitement and watchability of poetry slam-style performance...

A friend of ours was talking about how "anything can happen in summer" recently--referring mostly to relationships and a higher likelihood of break-ups then. (Chief Limericist not allowed to check-in, here--fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch and all.)

We thought about our experiences and... He's right. The summer is often a time for break-ups, leaving the sappier among us (no--you're not allowed to check in, CL--back!)...leaving the sappier among us to mourn away the warm months and missing the prime time to be chick chasing. (Or guy chasing, if that's your thing.)

Now, as long as we're talking about the summer months... Have you noticed the weather outside?

Kinda gives one insights into where the whole concept of "Hell" arose from, huh?

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2006:

This week, read news brief on West Nile.

Gee, ain't heard THAT one in a while.

Is it 'cause Bird Flu's

the hippest in new

irrational freaking out style?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2006:

Anna Nicole Smith has uploaded a video clip to her Web site carrying a special message for Britney Spears. An Excerpt:

"If you wanted to be friends, I would so much love to hang out with you."

Non-famous MySpace users at least have an excuse, however pathetic, for such behavior...

On the heels of the City of Chicago passing a "Big Box" ordinance requiring set wages from retailers like Wal-Mart and Target, resulting in Target canceling plans to open a store in a South Side neighborhood badly in need of some, ANY jobs, we thought we'd bring you a brief example, from Chicago, showing why big city alderman, politicians and government organization suits are the most meddling and boneheaded of all politicians. (And that's REALLY saying something.)

The Chicago Transit Authority, which runs the system of public buses and trains in the city, fairly recently instituted a special Chicago Card--a "smart" card that riders can add money to as they go and offers a "touch and go" alternative to inserting money or the older transit cards into turnstiles.

Buses were redesigned to add additional perks for Chicago Card users--namely, the ability to bypass the turnstile altogether, as the Chicago Card sensor is farther down the aisle, theoretically giving users a "jump" on other riders.

Except by bypassing the turnstile, Chicago Card users cannot see how much money remains on their cards when boarding the bus. Thus the perk is also a detriment.

In case you couldn't guess, and as local news investigations have confirmed, CTA bigwigs don't ride the buses and trains they fuck-up for the rest of us.

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SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/4/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Catsplash

Catsplash is a rockin' band, using "supplemental keyboard" in the way that the few, finer '80s metal/hard rock bands did.

The World's Worst Music Critic could blather on this way or... Well, story 'bout our Chief Limericist (checking in--but avoiding the S&Y Psychiatric Couch--here):

The last time yours truly, Slooperman, saw Catsplash play, in a show I was hosting my friend said the keyboard player, a hot little Fillipina (I think?) number, was showing definite signs of romantic interest in Sloop.

I followed up on this a bit later to find that she...is married! (Sorry again for that "hit," Clarissa.)

And this advice came from the type of friend who seems to have a better-than-average grasp of things chickie--Chickdar, of a sort.

Not that I would've likely gotten involved with her were she not married, because the timing of it all as relative to this Summer of Suck... [EDITORS' NOTE: We have to end "Entertain Yourself" at this point because the S&Y Psychiatric Couch is still fumigating and our Chief Limericist is not cooperating. But, Oh!--

http://www.catsplash.com]

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2006:

Though his career, the act could smother,

Joe boinked an intern, per his druthers,

and nearly got burned

but he'll never learn--

one good intern deserves another!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2006:

We're sure glad the news media spends all that time telling us how hot it's been.

How else would we know our nuts are roasting? And who'd've thunk--in late July/August, of all times?...

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2006:

While heat wave gave us all a toasting

our media types have been coasting

with content exploring--

's'all damn weather stories--

in case we knew not nuts were roasting!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2006:

I'd like to chime in on today's Limerick but adding that [Chief Limericist not allowed to check in here; he has the damn Sunday Story Time for that!]...

No, really, I just wanted to say that...

[Away! Go away ye foul Chief!]...

Just this: Although my nuts ARE certainly roasted, take note that they're HONEY roasted...

[Guess we can let him get away with that one; hoping we don't have to get a restraining order or something]...

Slappin' and Yappin' broke the "news" long ago that Popeye's--while a delightful fried chicken emporium, perhaps even the best chain--is a riffraff magnet.

As with all things S&Y says, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, you may or may not have believed it.

Well this week, circumstances brought us to Chicago's infamous criminal courthouse at 26th and California. (As to the reasons behind this trip, see Sunday Story Time for hints.)

Guess what greeted us, arriving at 26th and Cali via the bus?

Yup. A Popeye's.

Perhaps our abilities would be taken more seriously if we utilized a crystal ball--or two.

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SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/6/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Derelict Tease

As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know, Sunday Story Time is the one regular spot in Daily Limerick where our Chief Limericist (Yours Truly) provides a glimpse into his personal life.

Okay, so this newsy stuff/personal life division isn't perfect, but we try to keep some sort of system for this division anyway, lest this descend into a self-indulgent...well, lest it descend into the world of boring, inconsequential, ass-sucking blogs (99 percent of them, it seems).

However, DL/S&Y is careful about stuff like "naming names." While anybody who becomes involved with a DLer such as myself may find his or herself referred to on the site--it comes with the territory--we're careful about dragging the "innocent" into the...well, the outer fringes of the "public eye," anyway.

There are times, too, when I couldn't care less about the fate of certain scrunchpumps in my life but am careful due to...shall we say PRACTICAL considerations.

Now, there's a guy renting the spare bedroom and living room in my condo--a situation of financial necessity for me--who's...(welcome to National Ellipses Overuse Day, by the way)...well, a derelict. For lack of dozens of additional terms I won't add now. His lease is still running, however, through September, although... I couldn't resist just a tease for now:

The particulars of this lease are up in the air because he's been arrested and/or tossed into a psych ward.

Keep watching Sunday Story Time for one helluva story in the semi-near future--probably a few stories. And we'll again remind you that SST topics are usually penciled-in as I think of them, meaning that you're reading about more-or-less "current" events a while after they happen. (And then, of course, SST often dwells in stories of long ago, childhood and such, as well.)

So enjoy, over the coming weeks/months, tales of the summer that became my own personal life's Katrina! Complete with friends like FEMA--heckuva job, mother fuckers!

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MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/6/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Exulting

 

A germ of goodbye in every hello,

but that won't stop me from ringing bells,

struggling up hills, felling trees with

an axe I made with my own hands. A comical

foil on a serious voyage. Every cat I see

meows at me and every dog holds its bark.

 

Pail of water. Pail of water. Splash.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

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LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/6/2006:

This one comes in from scott@sweetieandthebeast.com:

> hi,

> could you please email me the daily limericks.

> i plan to recite them on the street while juggling.

> i'll call my act 'poetry in motion'.

> thanks.

We've added you to the e-mail list, Scott. (I'm sure he'll notice, but you can never be too sure with Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, even rookie ones.) We've also added http://sweetieandthebeast.com to our Sloop's Glantamerous Links, so check it out.

Just be sure and acknowledge Daily Limerick as the source of your Limericks, nut-monkey. (Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers will be monitoring.) And I KNOW you're a nut-monkey because you appear to be part of a couple and... [We have to censor the Chief Limericist here--fumigating the S&Y Psychiatric Couch and all, you know.]

...but we guess that, although it isn't the "Today" show reading our Limericks, it's a step in the right direction.

Then again... Juggling? I guess the newsworthiness quotient is about up to "Today's"...

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2006:

At tourists, downtown many glower,

though through spending, city's empowered.

Good tidings I give bring 'em

but must ask one thing-um:

leave strollers off trains for rush hour!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2006:

So, American Tour de France winner Floyd Landis was positively steroid tested not once now but TWICE!

Wouldn't you think that, participating in such a high-profile, international event...or that once you're caught, there'd be little point in lying, especially since more tests were sure to follow...or... Aw, who the hell does he think he is, believing he could get away with something like that--Barry Bonds?

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SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/7/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Grainy Haiku

 

If wheat, barley, rye

And oat crops fail, try growing

Some pumpernickel

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2006:

With Tour de France win yanked upon

two failed steroid tests, presses on,

denying, Floyd Landis,

as if he'll fool fans-es--

who's he think he is, Barry Bonds?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2006:

While most non-nutrod Americans (increasingly a minority) think that followers of Iran's president are whacktoast for believing his personal fantasyland of history--that the Holocaust didn't happen, etc... Well, headline:

"50% Still Think Saddam Had WMD"

And, lest you think "conservatives" have a monopoly on this type of thing, this one relates to those insisting that Bush was behind Sept. 11:

"Conspiracy Theorists Aren't Buying 9/11 Story"

Stupidity is thicker than partisanship...

More headline fun:

"Study Links Teen Sex, Lyrics"

Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda... Another one of these "studies."

Still, we read the news story but saw no mention of the possibility that teens drawn to music with more sexual lyrics are perhaps more focused on sexuality to begin with.

There's more diversity among those who "hate our freedoms" than is commonly assumed...

Radio listing in the Chicago Sun-Times:

"4 p.m.-Frank E. Lee, WXRT-FM (93.1): Adult rock music."

"Adult" rock music? Without the porn's video component, I don't think anybody really wants to hear that...

Classified ad:

"PROBLEMS? God has your answer. Find out what God thinks email Q's to: heavencanhelp@hotmail.com."

Screw praying! Now you can just e-mail God! (Make sure to clear him from your spam filter.) Funny, but we didn't peg him as a hotmail kinda guy--in fact, we're shocked that he doesn't have his own site.

It is comforting to know God's not on lame-ass MySpace, though.

Have fun with that e-mail link, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!...

Guys! Here's something we imagine you've thought before (although we hope it's not often):

"Gee. How long HAS my fly been open?"...

So Lollapalooza is now right here in Chicago, and this year's version...this year it features... this year's versszzzz... zzzzzzzzz...

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2006:

It's back again: Lollapalooza!

And folks came out in ones and two-sas

for the dinosaur

but most find its roar

does cause little more than a snooze-a.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2006:

I noticed yesterday that a new cafe is set to open across the street from my work called, "Cafe Mense."

Thus a cafe possibly themed with the singular of... Hmm.

Guess it'll only be open a week or two out of the month.

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SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/9/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Toast with The Works

For the vast majority of my life (Chief Limericist checking in, here), I've been a just-butter-on-my-toast kinda guy.

I've never had anything against jelly. I guess I though that fruit and butter weren't a great mix and, given a choice of the two, I preferred the butter because it went well with the egg yolk I dip my toast into.

It wasn't until a few moons ago, in a diner, after perhaps hundreds of times eyeing the decanters with various appealing jellies over breakfast, that I spread some jelly over the butter on my toast.

Well... It was sheer delight, I tell you.

Took another few moons for me to take the toast, already loaded with butter AND jelly, and dip THAT mixture into the yolk. Which, again, was a delight.

It's a bit like the time I ate at a Moroccan restaurant and tried the seemingly dangerous mixture of a pastry crust filled with scrambled egg and dusted with powdered sugar. Can you guess! Why, of course: delight!

Metaphorically, there's a Life Lesson here, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Hell, LITERALLY there's a lesson here--whether or not the metaphor thing works for you, just putting The Works on your breakfast toast will transform your life.

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2006:

That Saddam had Dubya-MDs

many still do choose to believe.

Damn Right Wing? Well, some

link Bush, Nine One-One--

bipartisan's, moronity.

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2006:

Headline:

"Soda May Be Reason We've Packed on Pounds"

Uh-huh. That's it. Eliminate soda and we'll be healthy as horses... Whoops! Shouldn't have mentioned that.

Guess a big city alderman somewhere is now jizzin' his legislative pants...

"See Inside" kinda headline:

"Lohan: I Want to Go to Iraq"

So who's stoppin' ya'?...

We witnessed a frightening incident of child abuse yesterday. Worse, we believe that incidents of this type run rampant and may be near impossible to prevent in the future.

We saw a child, with his mother (we believe) and what she had done (shudder)... Let's just say it set the stage for a lifetime of letdown and misery for the boy.

She started him down the road to... Well... Squeamish readers might not want to read on.

She...had put a CUBS HAT on his head!

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2006:

Some say lyrics spur kids toward sex

as if music casts magic hex

on teen girls and dudes

who'd elsewise be prudes

(what of what their tune taste reflects?).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2006:

So Joe Lieberman lost his Senate primary.

We've rode the Republicrat quite a bit over the years, so we're holding our e-tongue a bit with this one.

But let us just say.... Ha ha ha ha! Hee he he! Ho ho ho ho! Ahhhhahahaha...

ATTENTION MEDIA FOLKS:

The fact that many men are accomplished cooks these days is NO LONGER NEWS.

It's been this way for some time. The modern metamorphosis of feminism (or what little remains of it) has branded cooking degrading, as well as commitment... Ahem.

But, again, don't fret, lady Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. (Slapper Yapper Grasshopperites?) It will ALWAYS be fair, P.C. game to bash men for lack of cooking know-how...etc.

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SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/11/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: E-Zel

As a strange, perhaps otherworldly coincidence... I pencil in future Entertain Yourself features well ahead of time, as we encounter them, resulting in a list (and consequent backlog). (Oh, World's Worst Music Critic/Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

So I was slated to mention E-Zel for this edition and, whaddaya know, E-Zel happened to also be slated as a band in the variety show I emceed last night.

Eerie, huh?

Well, there was ALSO a full moon!

Hmm.

And it was my first return to this certain, preternaturally tainted venue, the Elbo Room, that was the site of my first "date" (for lack of a better word) with the one formerly known as M'Lady, who... Ahem.

Well, it's SORTA eerie, ain't it?

Anyway, both times I've seen E-Zel, they've simply kicked-ass. And they're guitars boast brilliant harmonies in a way reminiscent of...well, Iron Maiden. Yes, Iron Maiden--got a problem with that?

Anyway:

http://www.myspace.com/ezel1995http://www.myspace.com/ezel1995

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Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

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DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2006:

A bitter man, tortured by strife,

had friends urging him, "Enjoy life!

Meet chicks; go have fun--

next could be the one

who'll one day become your ex-wife!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2006:

So I decided to give up masturbating. Briefly, anyway.

(Yes, tomorrow's Sunday Story Time is the ideal place for the S&Y Psychiatric Couch but... Trust me. This more than fits the Extra Cheezy Saturday agenda.)

I'm not on some celibacy kick. No religious reasons involved. In fact, I'm not exactly sure WHY I embarked on this fast, of sorts. Perhaps just a general feeling that things aren't going right in life right now, that SOMETHING needs to be done... And I haven't gone long without self-love since... Well, since I first discovered it.

I'm not real sure how long I have in fact went without it before. I'm pretty sure I've went two whole days. Think maybe I sorta remember actually going three, possibly, once... So I decided that I should just go four days without it. Set a new record.

Well... You know all that crap we're fed, generally from dogmatic sources, about masturbation causing things? Anything from pimples to blindness? Well, I think that, in reality, the REVERSE is true.

For instance, I've so far had an acne-free summer. I often get some zits in the summer, thanks to sweating and all, but I hadn't this year--even when the 90-100 degree oven hit for a couple weeks. But as soon as I laid off the deed--two zits. One in a most unfortunate location, another big honkin' one right on my chin, nearly impossible to miss.

The real kicker, however, was going out to dinner with my parents last night and, for no reason, with no dirty thoughts in my head, sportin' wood. More than wood--a Steiner to end all Steiners!

So I made it two days.

We'll try again soon.

Perhaps one day, after our civilization all but collapses, future denizens will find some version of this writing, view it as a heroic, holy show of self control and start a religion over the Chief Limericist's, er, Great Sacrifice.

(Shudder.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2006:

Joe Lieberman lost his primary

for backing Iraq War (how scary).

Let's hope that the Dems

learn something and can

offer us choice and not get buried.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2006:

So now, in addition to taking our shoes off, we're to lose any liquids of any sort when boarding airline flights.

Just wouldn't be prudent or acceptable to profile people. Why hassle angry young Muslim men when it could be any old lady from St. Paul.

Then, of course, something dangerous will be made out of plastic. Or paper.

Why not just have us all nude on flights--bring on the inevitable.

Oops! Silly us! Some sort of bomb can undoubtedly be made out of hair...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/13/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Helen A. Handbasket

I once knew a girl named Helen.

Wow. Almost accidentally launched into limerick with that one!

Anyway, nothing happened between Helen and I to inspire a limerick. Typical story, of which I have dozens if not hundreds: Met her, she seemed interested on some level, it never was quite resolved whether that was a "just friends"-type thing or what, talked on the phone and hung-out a couple times, ambiguity aplenty, etc. You know--classic "girl meets Chief Limericist" kinda tale.

Not much of a story by itself, I admit. But I'm proud of the moniker I bestowed upon her--that being "Helen A. Handbasket," oddly enough--although, of course, I never called her that to her face.

See, I went through a long period where, among a certain group of friends, we gave our various liaisons or dates or whatever what we called "Supervillain Names." "Super" because they resembled those of comic book heroes and "-villain" because... Well, they mostly wasted our time, money and sanity and, pathetically enough, most of these "relationships" never amounted to crap. Or even sex, for that matter.

Oh, and another theory behind the names' usage was that, since there were a lot of women around the fringes of our lives who would likely never make it inward from said fringes, why bother using their actual names?

Some of the better names were "Backpack Girl," "The Profiler" and "Gibraltar" (as in "The Rock of...," which she wore on her finger--there's a mostly uninteresting story behind that).

I haven't stuck with Supervillain names. No, now a first name is enough to conjure the cupid on the sacrificial stone with his entrails torn out. And there aren't as many names for the sorting anyway--I mean, the Supervillain Name Era was one supplemented with slacking and a lot more time for the wasting. And, of course, the wisdom that comes with experience helps clue you in on the time-wasters before you end up wasting the time. More often, anyway. (Not to mention that I've officially sworn off women forever now--but that's a subject for a Sunday Story Time I'm not going to write anyway.)

Point is... Well, there isn't much of one, as usual. But if I ever attain Big Fame, I hope that Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers will chime in if movies and such are made about my life.

And some sort of E! special like "Sloop Biederman: The Women"? Make sure it's sponsored by Chock Full O' Nuts coffee.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/13/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Erasing

 

I've erased a load of old names hanging

to my correspondence like second chances

when really they were afterthoughts.

 

Goodbye, ancient friendships that cracked

apart and esoteric networks: the bodybuilding

brother of an exgirlfriend, he used to be 11

and had no interest in muscles then; literary

presses that might have published my work; the

old lively man and the memory I carry of his

house I boarded at, back when his wife was still alive;

old female friends and co-workers who are sexy

and have the world in front of them and no longer

talk to me nor I them.

 

The purging complete, I heard the radio playing.

It was a complete tune, swelling,

and I am living in its melody.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2006:

Rampant child abuse--facts we dread.

Each minute, scores more being led

to mis'ry-filled lives.

Why sit idly by

as folks place Cubs caps on kids' heads?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2006:

In the aftermath of the foiled outta-London airline bombing plot, I keep hearing how we're "still threatened by extremists."

Yes, yes. That's all fine and good. But enough about Bush supporters! Shouldn't we be talking about possible terrorist attacks?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/14/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Breakfast Haiku

 

Rotten soft-boiled eggs

Perfidious albumen!

Do not bring me Spam

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2006:

When gesture, at mass elevators,

"Hold it!"--as if it's nymph, you're satyr--

at fast-closing door;

for there will be more--

the "wait" makes you mere minute later.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2006:

Louai Abdelhamied Othman, his brother, Adham, and cousin Maruan Awad Muhareb were caught with 1,000 cell phones. Othman and company claim they were just going to re-sell them.

Authorities, however, took this evidence in light of the facts that the Othmans were recently in trouble for funding Mid East terror organizations and that they apparently had designs upon the Macinac Bridge in Michigan (which separates the states lower portion and its Upper Peninsula).

Lina Odeah, Louai's wife, now claims that her husband and his pals were "targeted because of their Arab descent."

That must be it. It couldn't be anything inconsequential like, say, 1,000 FREAKIN' CELL PHONES AND A PLOT TO BLOW UP A BRIDGE...

Read recently in the business pages some career advice urging folks to take a typing class.

We here at DL/S&Y learned typing via a computer program.

Those looking to cut school costs can put two and two together.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2006:

Whene'er in Mid East there's a "truce"

by def, it's, at best, just a ruse.

Like Leb'nese-Israeli's,

it's just bound to fail-y--

a pause before next round is loosed.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2006:

So now we're faced with the made-for-TV movie, "The Fantasia Barrino Story--Life is Not a Fairy Tale."

Well, doi! If life WERE a fairy tale, movies about glorified karaoke stars wouldn't be made--and we'd all live happily ever after...

Headline:

"Cops: Rapists Lured Girl on MySpace.com"

But remember, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--no need to heed the wild ravings of sorta-bloggers at DL/S&Y...

Headline:

"LIFESTYLES: Face Lifts Aren't Just for White People Anymore"

We'll ask you again, minority Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

Are you SURE you want acceptance into the mainstream?...

The "second edition" (of sorts) is out for the Segway brand far-too-expensive-lazy-idiot-transporter!

Lest you be garnering any of that pesky "hope for humankind"...

And yet... From the news story we read on the Segway:

"The company has kept details about its financial health secret."

Hmm. Wonder why?

So we guess you can hope away, after all!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/16/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Wasabi Mustard

Regular readers should know: We like hot, aka spicy, stuff.

But as Eat It! has pointed out in the past, hot doesn't necessarily indicate tastiness--take, to use a past example, the horrific, fetid offering from Hell's culinary bowels, hot Cheetoes.

Well... Wasabi mustard may not be in the exact same subgenre as hot Cheetoes, but it's not a good idea, nonetheless. We picked some up recently--we believe it's a newer offering, in this case from Inglehoffer. And... Wasabi is overpowering. It's hard to tell there's any mustard involved.

So we guess that wasabi mustard is just fine if you're looking for wasabi flavor... But if that's the case, you're probably better picking up some uncut wasabi.

We're a fan of mustard experimentation but... Next!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/16/2006:

Charles Collins (collins918@charter.net) checks in with:

> How comforting is it to hear that the TSA has downgraded our chance of

> exploding in the sky from "severe" to merely "high"?

> Likewise I'm thrilled to hear that babyfood and solid lipsticks are now

> reinstated as approved items.  Nobody has decided that a sharpened

> broomstick taped to your calf would be a bad idea yet.  Go figure.

>

> cc

Our Chief Limericist was just hoping he'd be able to carry-on his Astroglide so he could join the Mile-High Club.

We haven't built up the nerve to tell him... Oh, hi there Sloop! What? Oh, just rambling...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2006:

Another assault where MySpace

's'where perp met girl (not face-to-face).

So if you are shy'n

don't care if you die, then--

for dating, MySpace is the place!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2006:

So two PETA nutballs have changed their names back to their original names. For a bit, they'd renamed to those of PETA Web sites...which we won't even mention here, as publicity was their original intent.

There should be some witty crack here, of course.

But we just want somebody to change their name to DailyLimerick.net.

No application process. Just do it and let us know.

Okay, it's bad, but here's a damn witty crack:

Let us know if the idea clicks with you!...

For chuckles, I read a newspaper story yesterday on the order of "How to Achieve Happiness" (Chief Limericist checking in, here).

One of the tips for a quick pick-me-up? Why, have sex, of course!

No problem! I'll just knock on my neighbor's door! It's just that simple...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2006:

Now "Segway," of course, is the name

of "human transporter" whose game's

a ride for the lazy

(and money-wise, crazy)

with second ed., makes Hall of Lame.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2006:

Farmers in the Northern Rockies portion of the U.S. report that, due to increased threat from wolves, lamb and cattle in the area are reportedly more nervous, prone to barely eating and, thus, leaving the nation with wimpier lamb chops and Porterhouse steaks.

Hey, politicians and activists:

Shut up about Darfur--we have a REAL crisis on our hands here!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/18/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: David Foster Wallace--and a Lesson to Wannabe Literary Hipsters

A friend of mine gave me a novel for my birthday, about a decade ago, by David Foster Wallace, "Infinite Jest." (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

This friend is a long-time one and I greatly respect his tastes. And he claims to regularly reference the book to this day--as he describes it, occasionally re-reading small sections as a "pick-me up" and such.

I only recently started reading it.

Oh, I spend the majority of my reading time with newspapers and other periodicals, and then another huge hunk of free time in writing-related pursuits--but that's not the only reason why. I've nonetheless managed to read a few novels and other books over that period I've owned Wallace's novel.

But--and Wallace is not alone in this affectation--he has the annoying habit of long sentences and paragraphs. That's multi-page paragraphs. Not only is it virtually impossible for me to follow in the chisel-away-at-it-upon-the-bus-and-such technique that fuels 90 percent of my reading, but there's no freakin' reason for it. Sure, an extra-long sentence or paragraph here or there can show rambling speech or thought patterns, but we get the idea long before page 20 of your freakin' one paragraph chapters!

So I don't care HOW brilliant you are, there, Wallace, I refuse to finish your unedited manifesto.

At least Kerouac wrote when there was still a public attention span!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/18/2006:

Mike of Mike's Accursed Verse, er, "fame" checks in with this:

> Please add in_red_dreams@yahoo.com to your growing list of readers. Soon, we

> will take over the world. Or at least the local supermarket. Not the whole

> chain, though, and definitely not if it's a super center. What's the

> smallest one? That one.

Funny, but if Daily Limerick WERE to attempt world takeover (and considering the Chief Limericist is half-German, it IS in our blood), we'd start with a grocery store for certain.

But, of course, owning our own grocery store would make it very hard to leave and... Perhaps world grocery store dominion is more in order?

Oh, and then he checks in yet again with this timely reply to S&Y dated Aug. 9, concerning our observation that Chicago's "Cafe Mense" appears to conjure up the singular to...ahem:

> Too bad it's not called Cafe Mensch. Then all sorts of nice guys who finish

> somewhere would frequent it!

Hmm.

Multicultural bad humor.

We're just doing OUR part...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2006:

A buck-white boy sought lust repast

with a buck-black-skinned little lass.

Watched white on black skin

going out and in--

'twas marvelous view of contrASSt.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2006:

S&Y's Extra Cheezy Saturday... Doesn't have much to say today.

You know. In honor of readers who are whacktoast intolerant.

(Ahem.)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2006:

As of this Lim'rick, I'm a typer,

there's hubbub in news 'bout a sniper.

If psycho, says me,

orig'nality

goes far--ya' copycat butt-wiper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2006:

Headline:

"Research Shows Dolphins Dimwitted But Happy"

Thanks, nature! Just drive your unfortunate ironies home, over and over...

Within the last couple weeks... An on-duty ice cream truck driver was shot to death in Chicago and an Indianapolis couple hijacked an ice cream truck.

That's the scoop.

Er... What a fine story for our Sundae edition.

Hmm.

My, that career path is turning into a rocky road.

All right, all right. We can't come up with anything to add--but the news was just too amusing to pass without mention...

Just thought I'd share this (Chiefy checking in, here), hot over the wires, even though it actually pertains to the "Stand-Up Poetry" book project I'm trying to find an agent for--

When you're pitching literary agents and agencies, you send one-page query letters, sometimes with supplementary materials, and they get back to you in an oft-delineated amount of time ("Joe's Agency responds to manuscripts in 2 months"). If they don't give a timeframe, you allow something like 2 months. If you don't hear from the agency by that time, you usually allow another month before... Ahem. Guess you don't need to know that.

Anyway... Usually, an agency takes its sweet old time. When the word back has come quickly for rejection, I'd say it's happened... Maybe within a week?

Today (yesterday as you're reading), I fired off an e-query at 5:23 p.m. CST.

The time given in the e-rejection on the same day? 5:15 p.m. CST.

Laugh all you will. But can YOU manage to get rejected 15 minutes before even making your proposition?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/20/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Alabaster

I have a poem wherein I use the word "alabaster" to describe a then-girlfriend's skin.

One poem. Only one. And it's a Godawful exercise in dreckery.

At the time, I thought the word "alabaster" was clever, even intellectual. But I'll never pen a poem using the word again--unless, of course, there are humorous purposes involved, such as making fun of bad poets.

In fact, "alabaster" for me now conjures the image of a "poet" I used to know named Lupe. In the mid-'90s, Lupe made the rounds of the Chicago poetry scene scamming for much younger chicks. (He must have been...in his 40s, I guess, at the youngest.)

Lupe would take the mic, acting suave, talking in his best bedroom voice, and introduce himself before pointing to an attractive chick in the audience and saying, "This poem is dedicated to you/her."

Lupe's poems were always riddled with sap. Lovey-dovey and descriptive of some chick (probably not originally the one its reading was dedicated to, of course). And, curiously I don't recall hearing one that didn't contain the word "alabaster."

I never saw Lupe encounter any success in his poem-dedication strategy and, after a while, he disappeared from the scene--seemingly indicating that he was barking up the wrong tree of love all along. But you never know.

For if idiots and their idiot plans NEVER succeeded in catching a woman... Well, we wouldn't have much of a human race, now, would we?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/20/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Ought

 

Too preoccupied by the amassing clouds

to notice the rain falling from them or

the washed streaks of sunlight that tumble

and crash from their white whipped peaks.

When lightning comes, I see the sky purple and

enormous; a thousand-year voyage would not uncover

all of its rooms and their secret secret staircases.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/20/2006:

This joker's harpin' about Friday's edition, which included an Entertain Yourself section ripping David Foster Wallace's paragraphs-as-long-as-the-average-short-story-but-with-half-the-commas-and-periods syndrome:

> Not to point fingers, but you were arguing about Wallace's long-assed

> writing habits. I haven't read him aside from a piece by him in the

> Atlantic, so I can't really judge his style. But I will say that your

> Slappin' and Yappin' took me three times to understand with all the comma

> action going on. Periods were invented for a reason!

>

> Love,

>

> A Long-Suffering Suffer Longer

Well, our grammatical habits are certainly open to criticism, but we must say that we've never written a paragraph of even half a page in length--muchless one that's seventeen bajillion pages long.

Don't take it too seriously. It's only Daily Limerick, David.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2006:

New data show minorities

close gap on plastic surgery

at rates nearing whites--

Dark Side, Civil Rights!

(You SURE you want "equality"?)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2006:

Antarctica has now become a legitimate tourist destination.

We suppose it's not the most dangerous destination for the colorfully dressed and clueless. It's not like it's Detroit...

The company Qualcomm has acquired the company Qualphone.

That's about as close as the corporate world gets to "destiny," we suppose...

Saw an ad in my Sunday newspaper for a "Cubs Victory Plane" Christmas ornament.

Hmm. "Cubs Victory Plane."

If such a thing existed, there'd likely be few security hassles in boarding. What can terrorists do to the "Cubs Victory Plane" that they aren't already expert at doing to themselves?...

Wow! We actually ended up with a Business AND Sports section today!...

Somebody, ANYBODY, get busy penning a Daily Limerick definition on Wikipedia!

So we're not HUGE just yet--but we're gettin' there and a DL entry is every bit as justified as some of the fucktwists "immortalized" there.

Not to mention that it'd be amusing to see how DL's semi-fictionalized...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/21/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Wagnerian Haiku III

 

Siegfried wandered through

The forest; indigestion

Caused stomach murmurs

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2006:

Big tourism move, quite adroit,

in seeking rich folks to exploit,

's'now pushing Antarctica--

sure no theme park but a

tad less dang'rous than Detroit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2006:

So, after losing two elections with candidates just barely different than the Republicans' alternative--including one who inexplicably distanced himself from the most popular Democratic president since Kennedy--the Democrats have a new plan for winning in 2008!

They're going to...er, start primaries in a bunch of states earlier than New Hampshire. See, this will...well, it'll...um, this will ensure that... Hmm.

Still hard at work losing 2008, evidently...

Newspaper boxed section headline thingy:

"Hole of the Day"

He hee.

It refers to golf coverage, actually.

But, hey... Tee hee... (What more needs saying?)...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2006:

The Dems, having tossed last elections,

have pondered, and 'pon introspection,

have fix for '08:

Change primary states?...

Spurs a GOP mass erection!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2006:

Okay, so you saw that the first line of today's Limerick ended in "election" and knew where it was headed--YOU try writing more than 2,500 Limericks and making each unpredictable!...

Chicago-based Polka King Walter E. Jagiello, better known as Lil' Wally, died last Thursday at the age of 76. (Thanks to Don of the Polkaholics for filling us in before the major news, although we didn't mention it until today.)

Let's all observe a moment of silence. Or perhaps a moment of "oom-pa-pa"...

So, after announcing last week that he was again headed into danger to do his "Hostage Release Negotiation" trick, this time in Lebanon for those Israeli prisoners who played Helen in this war drama, Jesse Jackson is still saying he's going.

But hasn't went. Just yet.

Evidently waiting for the truce to take hold a bit. Makes for a more pleasant photo op...

The Onion, one of the finest publications around, has a column by Amelie Gillette, "Pop Culture Love Letters," in its AV Club section.

The feature makes fun of pop culture--in a snarky way, of course.

It isn't the only feature of that nature. But at this point, we can't help but wonder how the general philosophy behind it differs from the religious whackos spending many hours monitoring shock jocks for "offensive" material...

Ozzie Guillen has finally done it.

After the P.C. nightmare of "sensitivity training" erupting over his bandying about the word "fag," he's finally pissed DL/S&Y off.

Played the "cry wolf" race card.

Claimed he was being criticized as manager for being a Latino, in so many words.

Is it engaging in "two wrongs make a right-ism" to demand he go to, oh, we don't know... "Common Sense" training?...

So I'm stuck/blessed with this expensive condo from the divorce from my ex who made more in one year than I did in four and the bastards in the condo association approved a replace-the-windows project that anally raped my wallet unlubricated.

(Chief Limericist checking in, here. And reminding you that I'm entitled to use a certain European ethnic slur, as I am of the same blood. Or a quarter the same blood, anyway.)

So, being on the second floor, and a bit nitpicky I suppose thinking they shouldn't start banging around and shit at SEVEN FREAKIN' THIRTY IN THE MORNING, I stumble around early getting ready to some delightful scenery:

A Pole-ock, seemingly suspended in mid-air, in my picture window.

Do they still do those commercials featuring those touching "International Coffee Moments"? I have one to pitch...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/23/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Dinner and a Handjob

We really have nothing more to say about today's topic.

Should speak for itself.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2006:

The polka world grieves, 'cause it's true--

life of Lil' Wally is through.

Some cry, "Pray'rs ignored!"

but could mean the Lord

just likes to hear good polka, too.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2006:

So Mardin Azad Amin was flying out of O'Hare airport in Chicago and the security types went through his luggage.

And stumbled upon a piece to a "penis pump" device Amin had packed.

And, naturally, the asked what it was.

So Amin was put on the spot. To make matters worse, his mother was near him at the time. Not wanting to announce that he had a penis pump, he thought fast!

Well, the "thought" part left something to be desired.

He instead said that it was a bomb.

So... Oh, there are just too many holes we can prick in this line of reasoning. He just didn't have the balls to admit to carrying a penis pump, but telling airport security you have a bomb is just nuts... And just the idea of having a penis pump? We're not even sure what that unit is, but if it's for masturbation, he's a moron, and if it's to allegedly lengthen it so he could keep up with the Johnsons... Enough.

Enough, we say!

Gotta admit that this story is sure Slappin' and Yappin's beat, though.

Ugh...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2006:

Jesse Jackson planned "free hostage" pop-

in to Lebanon--but war's not stopped!

That truce? Near repealed!

So he drags his heels

(awaits easier photo op).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2006:

A story headlined "Why Segway Thinks It's Ready to Roll Now" appeared in our local newspaper yesterday. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can find it easily--a wire service piece, from Scripps Howard news service.

Now, we don't want to go into the flaming moronity behind the Segway yet again--go Googlin' for it with "Slappin' and Yappin'"--as we've said much already.

But now, as the news story relates, Segway has released its "second generation" of idiots-with-money-to-blow transporters, claiming they've fixed the previous problems and that NOW we're gonna see them everywhere.

You see, they... Well, added a stick-based steering rod. Oh, and wireless locks.

No need to fix what never needed fixing--the $5,000+ price tag or the fact that they're completely, utterly, hopelessly lame...

I guess you can file this nugget under "correction," of a sort.

Yesterday, we mentioned an O'Hare airport security mishap involving Mardin Azad Amin, who was hassled over a, er, "penis pump" (hee hee) in his luggage--and subsequently arrested because he allegedly refused to admit to the penis pump and claimed it was a bomb.

Turns out that Amin claims he was saying "pump," not bomb, and he was misunderstood.

In any event, Amin is nonetheless found guilty, by the court of DL/S&Y, of owning a penis pump.

Chowderhead.

It won't make it bigger and, otherwise, you have a right hand. And a left.

Amin fits the Segway-buying demographic, come to think of it...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 8/25/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Not Elliot

You'd have to call Not Elliot a neo-punk, or new punk, band, for labeling purposes. They're of the clean sounding sort--closer to a Blink 182 (no slur intended, there, NE) than, oh, a Ramones or whatever, based purely on overall timbre. Thus, not my usual cup of teabag, I'll admit (Worst Music Critic in the Universe checking in, here).

However, Not Elliot is so good at what they do that they converted me--at least for the duration of their set of 45 minutes or so. In fact, what I most admire about Not Elliot is the fact that they can convert just about ANYONE.

In show biz, at least as it concerns live performance, the greatest entertainers "know their audience." They don't bitch on the lines of, for example, "I'm a cerebral comic--but this crowd is a bunch of rednecks"--they add a redneck tinge to their regular modus operandi and win the crowd over.

When I saw Not Elliot last, at a variety show I was hosting, they followed a solo singer who was allegedly "on" American Idol. (Even with prompting, I couldn't get her to fess up concerning what capacity she participated in.) The ol' croon away and yodel in a urban, soulful manner set. And she drew quite a crowd, which stayed afterward and was faced with... Not Elliot.

I was engaging in disaster prep for what I foresaw to be a derailment on the Entertainment Train. But NE engaged in just the right crowd banter and launched into covers of "Lady in Red" and "Billie Jean," saving the evening.

Well, at least saving it until I hit the stage again for hosting and "witticisms."

So:

http://www.myspace.com/notelliot

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2006:

A girlie found hairless a boon

thus excised it, all 'round her poon.

But during the process

her friend, not too cautious,

walked in--and saw a waxing moon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2006:

So astronomers have decided that Pluto is no longer a planet.

Serves him right for bothering Popeye and Olive Oyl all those years...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2006:

Astronomers gathered and voted--

and now poor ol' Pluto's demoted!

Not planet--been dissed!

So teachers are pissed

that class supplies now are outmoded.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2006:

"See Inside" headline related to today's Limerick:

"Astrologers Feel Star-Crossed Over Pluto's Loss"

Oh, so NOW they start paying attention to things like science, logic, reality...

A boy died from using some laced heroin and, as is the American Way, his father, a copy, and the justice system blame... The guy who sold him the stuff.

Headline from a newspaper piece on the story:

"Son Never Got a 2nd Chance at Rehab, Grieving Cop Says"

Hmmm.

You know, boo-hoo and all but... Isn't rehab a "second chance" to begin with?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/27/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Ex's Father and Setting Up Stickies

Well, that's sure one of the stranger titles for Sunday Story Time.

In fact, I'm waffling, as I type, as to whether this is even a legitimate topic but... I believe it says something about the strange nature of human memory.

The ex-m'lady of mine--went through a gut-renching, heart-ripping breakup recently and won't go there at this point, as SST's had too much of it as of late... Well, perhaps we'll start by explaining the "stickies."

"Stickies" is a program on the Mac. (It may be on PCs now, too, but that's beside the point.) Just like their real world office equivalent--aka "Post-It Notes" or whatever--stickies are little notes you can leave to yourself, but only on the desktop, and you can resize and recolor the e-version easily.

I am a big user of the stickies program. In fact, I use them everyday to check of a "to do" list, including DL/S&Y tasks. Thus, later in the day, I reformat stickies, fashioning one for the next day and the day after... Anyway, I "stack" the stickies. For instance, the stickie for tomorrow will go right over the one for the day after that (and is thus sized slightly larger), so that when one is finished and closed, the next appears.

Oddball habits, I know, but that's not the point here.

Obviously, I am a creature of habit upon a ridiculous scale. Now and then, I make little changes to my routines for whatever reason, so if you were to look at me a year ago, you'd see a different routine, but not one that's markedly so.

Anyway, one thing I do is, upon placing the last stickie atop the stack, I hit the return key once or more to ensure that there's "room" on the stickie, should more things be added. When its size fits "between" a return key, if you add a line the top disappears and... It's difficult to explain, I suppose, and boring to boot.

Yet this is a habit that was added relatively recently to the stickie ritual. And I noticed that, many times, when I'm doing just the return key part, I am reminded of the ex-m'lady's father.

The only explanation I can come up with for this is that I started doing it when conversing with her father on the phone about a computer issue (his career is in computers).

So... How 'bout the nature of human memory, huh?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/27/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Girl reflected in a guitar

 

The opening, bridged by strings,

into the hollow sonorous shell

blocks out her left arm. The rest

of her is in perfect reflection,

projected on a placid surface

plating an invisible current.

 

A sensual creature in black ice.

She is still and looking off

past the porch. The wind spins

a strand of her hair. A curved

sweep of smoke lifts from the end

of her cigarette.

 

I watch her take a sip of coffee

and replace the mug on the stoop.

I move the guitar unplayed from my lap

back to the wood floor. It makes

a muted wavering chord, as if it

were singing everything it can

about her sweet dissonance.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/27/2006:

Mike, of "Accursed Verse," er, "fame," not content to have just his own section today, checks in with:

> I spoke with in_red_dreams@yahoo.com, and she told me she hasn't started

> receiving the Daily Limerick yet. She's missing out on your "humor" and my

> Sunday "poetry"!

This relates to technical difficulties surrounding a new addition to the e-mail edition.

And she's been added, or re-added or... Well, she should now be receiving it.

Thus, she's no longer "missing out."

This may change the color of her dreams a bit. They may turn off-red--or off-color, in any event.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2006:

Don't know if I buy what they say--

that this "new" guy killed Jon Benet.

Yet, e'en if he's lying

I let loose a sighing

'cause he'll be locked-up, either way.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2006:

The British children's TV channel Boomerang is excising any scenes of smoking from "Tom and Jerry" cartoons.

Wouldn't want smoking getting in the way of setting a good, role model example through dropping anvils on each others' heads.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 8/28/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: FURNITURE HAIKU

 

A sofa soufflé

Is a couch potato with

A foreign accent

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2006:

Since terrorists tried "liquid bombs"

'nto new token effort we've glommed

for "security"--

search all, you and me

'cause doin' it right "profiles" Islam!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2006:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may peg the Staff here as bitter and pessimistic toward things romantic and how they're shaking out through modernization--especially marriage and weddings.

But it's just not true.

In fact, here's some good news on the constantly evolving wedding front. Headline:

"Brides, Grooms Giving iPods Warm Reception"

Meaning, of course, that the wedding DJ may be going the way of the dodo. Which is an accidentally apt way of putting it, actually...

Headline:

"Hip Hop Elton? Album Possible"

Well. Elton John's jumping right on that trend...

Is it wrong to feel a little tingly and, in fact, touch one's self looking at the comic strip "Luann"? One where she's shown in a bathing suit? Sunday--full-size and full-color, of course?

Just a theoretical question...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2006:

Since "Liquid Trick" of terr'rist brutes

airline screening lines just ain't cute.

They refuse to "profile";

new schemes unfold, meanwhile--

we'll soon board in just birthday suits!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2006:

Using our Chief Limerict's life as an example, take note of this key difference between a sensitive, sappy straight guy and a gay guy:

Listening and singing along, as a way of assuaging one's troubles, to "Over the Rainbow"--performed by Willie Nelson.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/30/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Chili Cheese Fritos

We hear at Eat It are often wary of trying new spins on traditional favorites--new-fangled flavors of Cheez-Its, Cheetos, etc.

And Fritos... Well, our Chief Limericist used to get 'em every day he took a lunch to school--and he loved 'em!

So we only recently got around to sampling those Chili Cheese Fritos. And must report that they kick ass.

That is all.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2006:

'Though weddings, in our modern day,

speed us t'ward time Hope fades away...

Relief from source odd--

that pesky iPod--

may kill-off the wedding DJ!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2006:

Saw a reference to Ernesto as an "ex-hurricane."

It was nothing wrong with Florida--just stuff going on within Ernie.

Oh, and they'll still be friends...

Now and again I'm asked if I'm "Catholic." (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) It often follows the revelation that I'm a quarter Polish or... Well, in case you haven't noticed, the topic of religion often comes up in the course of life.

I don't consider myself Catholic--I believe in God but don't see what the hell that has to do with religion--yet that's a whole 'nother can of corned beef hash. (Mmm...) Ahem.

But when asked this question, I'll often answer, "Well, I was BAPTIZED Catholic..." Some will argue that the baptism thing means I AM Catholic.

So lately, I'm adding an additional detail--"I was BAPTIZED Catholic but I was also BASTARDIZED Catholic"...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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