Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!



We ignore "Hist'ry" months with their constance.

Now starts "Black Hist'ry Month" with its non-stance:

token government gestures,

academia's snooze lectures

and ads hiding 'hind a "social conscience."



Headline from yesterday:

"Gunmen Take Over EU Office to Protest Muhammad Cartoons"

Some groups have a hard time dealing with the concept of Free Speech.

Ah, that's culture! But don't forget--so is mold...

The matter of Iran's nuclear weapons if being referred to the UN Security Council, where they will get right on the matter...in March.

Evidently taking a cue from the Catholic Church's methods of dealing with rampant priest-on-child molestations...

Finnish citizen on candidates in the country's recent presidential elections:

"There's no difference between them. They have the same opinion about things."

See? The European system isn't that different from ours, after all, is it?..

African killer bees have reportedly reached Florida--and some are concerned they may be nesting in Disney World.

There's a metaphor or something there, we just know it...

The Chicago City Council is pushing the idea of forcing businesses to install video cameras as a way of catching criminals and thus discouraging crime.

The businesses are to pay for these cameras themselves.

Fresh off recent anti-smoking legislation, once government gets a taste of pushing private business around in the name of public health, well... Have we thanked the do-gooder, we-know-what's-best-for-you movement lately?...

Time for an annual reminder concerning the glamorous world of Hollywood Awards Season:

So what?...



TODAY'S EDITION: Hot Pockets to Morel Mushrooms

I've taken great enjoyment at so-called five-star restaurants, with their multiple mini-courses and brie and what-have you. Fine sashimi, regional Indian cuisines--I can talk chow with the high-falutin'-est of gourmets.

But I take umbrage with the food snobs.

Why can't one enjoy, say, a pheasant under glass one night--and then an On-Cor Salisbury steak the next? Steamed mussels in white wine sauce for an appetizer, followed by a can of Chef Boyardee chili mac?

The true aficionado leaves no spoon unturned.

So fine-tune that palette. But don't forget to lick the salt of the earth, while you're at it.



A rich guy is something I'm not.

So I do not own any yachts,

sports cars, trophy wives--

no, none of that jive,

like healthcare, there're things I ain't got.



Happy 'Hog Day!...

Sorry if this edition is a little, well, goofy today. We're still nursing those Ground Hog's Eve hangovers here in the Towers...

President Bush chastised the U.S. last night for being "Addicted to Oil."

Well, SOMEBODY learned something from those old anti-drug commercials. "First you give it to 'em for (almost) free, THEN you start really charging!"...

Now there is a lot of mirth-making at the expense of Detroit, considering the town's taking center stage as Super Bowl host.

One thing I don't get is the complaints that it's not a warm place to be in February.

Football's Big Event SHOULD take place in a colder climate. Minneapolis, Green Bay--do they have a dome somewhere in Alaska?

We're talking FOOTBALL, not polo, ya' bunch of pansy-asses...

Some, America Ferrera is the latest boinkable actress Hollywood has slated to play an "ugly" character in an upcoming production. Joining the likes of Charlize Theron and Nicole Kidman, who somehow get extra kudos for hiding their pulchritude in "ugly" roles.

I lived in L.A. for a year, folks, and I got news for ya': There are plenty of already fat and/or ugly actresses to go around. And they'll probably work pretty cheap.

You wanna impress me? Have someone like Camryn Manheim manage to doll herself up all hot looking.

Tough order? Well, you guys don't seem to shy away from CGI in other cases...

Saw a sign on a Catholic church yesterday advertising a "Throat Blessing."

Ahh. I suppose it entails openin' wide for the ol' scepter and the spritz of "holy water," too.

Guys, guys. You're under too much heat to keep planning children's events like this...



For Super Bowl, Dove plans surprise

ad featuring chicks with big thighs

befitting fine chicken

but, on models, sicken--

prepare for averting your eyes!



To all the knuckleheads with boxers, briefs and/or panties in a bunch over Cindy Sheehan--media darling knucklehead protesting a war stemming from the death of her son, who supported and volunteered for a war that itself was knuckleheaded--being removed from the Capitol before Bush's BSing the Union Address for wearing a "2245 Dead. How Many More?" T-shirt, I hope you noted that Rep. Bill Young's (R-Fla.) wife Beverly was removed from the Capitol as well--for wearing a "Support the Troops" shirt.

So it wasn't a partisan issue.

Neither is the choice of boxers or briefs, for that matter, although the likes of Michael Moore are likely trying to make it one...

Oh, and speaking of knee-jerk partisans, check-out this headline:

"Alito Votes to Bar Execution in Split With Conservatives"

As the Democratic Party continues its commitment to losing elections...

Bush came out in defense of companies such as Exxon and their oil profits, citing factors such as supply and demand.

Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia has stepped in to fund the now Hamas-run Palestinian government as clear-minded previous funders are backing out.

Lest you forget who's REALLY riding the gravy train of our gas habit...

So Madonna will be performing with the "virtual band" Gorillaz for the Grammys.

This recent trend started with the Saturday Night Live appearance of "virtual singer" Ashlee Simpson...

George Clooney is making the rounds defending his recent coffee commercials in France, arguing that he hasn't made much money in the last year or so.

Keep that in mind, L.A. readers, before getting judgmental when you see him buying those $1 Banquet frozen dinners in the grocery store...



TODAY'S EDITION: Kingly Politics?

I imagine most Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are familiar with the Elvis Presley song, "In the Ghetto."

In any event, give it a close listen.

Do you think, as we're beginning to, that it's... Pro abortion?



At a party, man playing Twister

did flirt with a chick--and then kissed her.

Which caused fated pile-up

and now he's reviled up

North--in circles, known as "The Fister."



Perusing one of those "adult education" course catalog--and I don't mean "adult education" as in "money shots 101" or "advanced orifice switching"--I noted one called "Co-Ed Boxing."

Friday headline:

"Wife of Knicks Player Charged in Road Rage"

Well, now we know where husband-wife teaching teams will come from, post NBA career...



Yay--Super Bowl! What's with the fad--

commercials? A feature? Egads!

Make sandwich, go potty,

chat of office hotties

as you're s'posed to do during ads!



Time for some last-minute DL/S&Y Super Bowl Reminders:

Commercials are a TV-watching disturbance, regardless of the occasion. Fix yourself a sandwich, take a leak. They are not, we repeat, not any sort of "attraction"...

And if you are on the couch, not having to relieve yourself and full and/or okay on the sandwich level, remember: Be prepared at a moment's notice to divert your eyes for the threatened Dove commercial featuring their interpretation of "real" women...

So, Muslims in Europe are now kidnapping Western tourists in reaction to a Danish newspaper's publication of cartoons featuring images of Mohammed.

See, Islam prohibits depictions of the cat.

Hey--isn't that trying to impose one's religion upon a Democratic society? Just who do they think they are--the Bush Administration?...

Speaking of nutty Muslims, Iran's referral to the U.N. Security Council over its nuclear weapons...er, nuclear ENERGY ambitions is opposed by the liberal darling, socialist-y nation of Venezuela.

I'm still utterly puzzled as to why "liberalism" has become a bad word in recent years, aren't you?...

And speaking of nutty, er, religions, did you know that Jewish circumcision ritual entails the mohel or rabbi or whatever placing his mouth to the, er, wound to "cleanse" it?

That's putting one's mouth on the, er, um... Yeesh.

Just who do THEY think they are? Catholic priests?...

Elmhurst, IL is among many Chicago-area suburbs featuring Valentine's Day "contests" for couples-basically, marketing fests including businesses in quaint downtowns shilling related detritus and offering prize packages for select, winning couples.

Disturbing...let me count the ways.

Notably disturbing: Among one of the prize packages is a "bridal boot camp" weight loss program.

We've just given up as a race and society, really, haven't we now?

An AP-Rolling Stone poll finds that, despite the Recording Industry's contention that illegal downloading is responsible for their recent spiral down the financial toilet, 80 percent of respondents believe downloading for free is wrong.

Hmm. As much as I brainstorm, focusing on such high-quality acts as Ashlee Simpson and Hillary Duff and Jay-Z, for the life of me, I can't figure out why the Industry is losing money...


"Breast-Feeding Too Scandalous for Victoria's Secret Store"

Well, it's not like those funbags, gazoobas, show-stoppers--call 'em what you will--were intended for such less-than-spicy purposes as feeding kids or anything...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Wienie Warmer

At some silly store in a mall one day back in high school, one of my first girlfriends stole me an item that can only be described as a...well, the titular Wienie Warner. (Titular Wienie Warmer, he hee.)

It was of yarn, much like those booties your grandmother may have once made you, and fit snuggly over...um, your John Thomas and all its parts. This one happened to be patriotic, with blue for the part covering the, um, spheroids and... I don't recall exactly what was red and what was white. Nor why she stole it instead of just buying it (it couldn't have broken the bank).

Other than the initial gag-gift effect, there was little in the way of wienie warmer-related, pleasure shenanigans to report.

Oh, once a friend and I picked up some chicks at a (ahem) video game arcade, and they were probably just using us for a ride, but as part of my Turning On Of The Charm, I showed 'em the Wienie Warmer.

Again, no wienie warmer-related, pleasure shenanigans to report...







TODAY'S POEM: Alder bank


If we could sit by the river and watch

the alders age.

They're leaning against a backdraft

and the fire of my anxious thoughts.

One saying says we should enter life without

fear, without caution, without doubts.

But it seems whenever we listen to plaques

we end up wrecking some possible paths.

I know the interplay of shadows falling

from the clouds, when light and dark switch

back as simply as the time. I know

we'll no longer speak to each other. There's

history there, short and stunted. It sits

up in dreams and bangs pots and pans. Cymbals

are symbols, quietly crashing crescendos.


You won't haunt me for much longer.

That alone is sad enough.

If only the river would calm its flow,

we could watch the alders. They'd be still

as facets in a sapphire,

reflecting back themselves.


[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



"Addicted to oil"--that's a slice!

Bush said it. Well, isn't that nice!

This seems rather funky

it'd be like a junky

told "get straight" on pusher's advice!



So it turns out the long-anticipated reason Dave Chapelle bailed, out-of-nowhere, from the only sketch comedy show worth diddle on TV as of late was:


Now, while I do the TYPE of thing I want for a living (writing and editing), it's not exactly a dream job at this point (actually, set of jobs), and I'm not in the million-dollar salary range to allow for sudden out-of-a-job cushion, but I feel the effects of "stress" welling up in life and I still manage to show up at work, but perhaps I'm just old-fashioned...

Sharon Rocha, mother of the murdered Laci Peterson (you might have heard a bit about the crime in the news a while back), has a new bestseller out called "For Laci."

I'm guessing, however, that the profit from this book is "For Sharon"...

From an ad for Endit, a source of the drug nicotine used to, er, help people stop using the drug nicotine, which, when you think about it, should be about as successful as the drunks who claim to be "switching to beer instead of hard liquor" as a way of deadline with their drug problem... Anyway, from the ad:

"Does that mean you should quit the patches? Not at all. Use the patch but this time, use Endit too."

Kinda like...switching to beer AND wine instead of hard liquor!



By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Buggy Whip Haiku

Sexual pervert

Bought a car; a Mercury

Grand Marquis de Sade

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]



Now Laci P.'s mom, to show carin'

wrote "For Laci"--and well it's farin'

on bestseller lists

'spite worn-out plot twists.

Guess she should have called it, "For Sharon."



It seems some Catholics are seeing fit to mount publicity campaigns to discredit the bestselling book "The Da Vinci Code," which casts some doubt on long-followed Christian thought.

Interestingly enough, "The Da Vinci Code" is fiction.

Discrediting fiction.

Come to think of it, I'm a little offended over the idea of that dish running off with a spoon, of all things...

Dr. Phil is teaming up with Match.com somehow. Helping its customers find compatible dates and stuff.

I say, if it's okay to sue cigarette companies for people smoking themselves to death, Dr. Phil should be seeing some legal action when these pathetic folks start turning up in pieces in forest preserves...

There's a legendary U.S. media regulation, dismantled today, known as the Fairness Doctrine.

It came into being during the early days of broadcast, when there were, for instance, three television stations. It was meant to counteract possible scenarios like... Well, let's say all three of those TV stations decided they were in favor of impeaching the president. The idea was that, so that the public wasn't unduly swayed to impeach the president, one or all of those stations would be forced to provide an outlet for the "don't impeach the president" crowd.

With time, of course, the number of media outlets grew and the Fairness Doctrine just became silly--and dangerous, First Amendment-wise. Naturally, we have some problems with media "synergy," or whatever, but today we largely realize that there are other ways to foster divergent views. We're having problems getting that right, too, but... Well:

So a president stepped-in and pretty much killed off the so-called Fairness Doctrine.

And yet today, some politicians are prattling about bringing it back.

Which should scare the crap out of Free Speech lovers.

Oh... That particular president? "Conservative" ol' Ronald Reagan.


The prattlers? The likes of Howard Dean and John Kerry. Whinin' about the success of outlets like Fox News and the failure of snooze-inducing, NPR-ish "Liberal" fare, ala Air America.

I guess the thinking is... Hmm.

At least mom made it fun, force-feeding us with the train tracks through mashed potatoes, making Brussels sprouts into airplanes, etc...



Stars feeling "exhaustion" and "stress"

blow gigs off--recoup time, no less!

If real-world tried, we'd

find boss disagrees

and healthcare would laugh if addressed.



Conti: Government math, Idol v. real voting, Danish cartoons

So, Seattle Seahawks fans have actually taken to rallying over poor refereeing, which they claim cost their team the Super Bowl.

Talk about sore losers! Who do they think they are--lame Democratic presidential candidates?...

My favorite performer from "American Idol" is, beyond a doubt, William Hung.

Unlike the others, and, apparently, zillions of fans, at least he's in on the glorified karaoke joke...

Speaking of Hung, I misread a Disney Channel show on my newspaper TV grid as "Eddie's Million Dollar Cock-Off."

Not sure exactly what that would be. But in mentally reviewing the possibilities (briefly--damn briefly!), I can only include that I would be far from interested in watching.

Which, oddly enough, sums up the vast majority of family friendly, yet curiously sexualizing young blonde singer after young blonde singer, Disney Channel programming...



Today's Honoree: Sen. John McCain

McCain ripped into Barack Obama because... Oh, for our purposes, it doesn't really matter.

Obama's joined the Al Gore/John Kerry Island of Misfit, First Amendment Dyslexic Democrats by threatening legislation to censor naughty TV. But nobody wants to touch Obama.

So "Hooray!" for John McCain.

It's curious, took that Obama hasn't really done much to earn his Liberal Elvis status. Success in modern politics evidently entails being biracial and having a grandfather who made a living grooming the testicles on live sheep, or whatever the hell grandpa did that Obama pretty much made his campaign platform...



TODAY'S EDITION: Yet Another Reason to Eat an Animal Whenever PETA Protests

In Massachusetts, seafood stores and restaurants have introduced a "catch-a-lobster" device, where customers can use a mechanical grabber to yank out the lobster of their choice.

One business owner, Paul Carrozzi of Scarborough, dropped the device due to threats from PETA folk.

Are we ready to declare PETA an official terrorist organization yet? Can we? Oh, PLEASE can we?...



"American Idol's" damn gist

dragged karaoke off a list--

with Elvis on velvet,

and pro "wrestling"--sells it--

it's pop cultural terrorist.



This just in:

Nowhere in the Quran does it say that drawings, etc. of Mohammed are forbidden.

It's not like the more extreme wing of Islam is just looking to pick fights or anything, oh no...

Men's Fitness, a magazine that, I'm guessing, has a mostly gay readership, has released another of its recurring "fittest and fattest cities" report and this one finds Milwaukee in the top five.

Now I've been to Milwaukee and... Oh, well, need I say more?...

Do Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers realize that many states allow problem gamblers to sign on to a list that bans themselves from casino entry? Because, of course, it's the job of business and society to stop them from gambling. (Personal responsibility is sooo last millennium.)

Why are our drug treatment programs primarily failing us? I just can't imagine the explanation...

Speaking of the last nugget, here's a headline for you.

"Programs Pay Drug Addicts to Stay Clean"

Now, who doesn't want our tax dollars to go to treatment without closely studying those treatment means?...

Saw the cover of a Chicago publication called "Singles" emblazoned with a headline: "Life's Too Short to Live Alone."

Well, life is indeed too short; all the more reason to stay away from singles ads, lest your corpse be eventually found by a jogger in a forest preserve...



In states 'llowing public breast feeding

laws Victor'ya's Secret ain't heeding!

They feel boobs so glor'yous

their wares primp up for us

exist for MEN'S mouths--not babes eating!



Those cartoons enraging the nutty portion of the Muslim world? The New York Times has opted not to publish them. (Though newspaper in many European countries have.)

"All the News (That Won't Upset Anybody) and is Fit to Print"...

And speaking of misinterpreting Freedom of the Press, our own George W. Bush, in denouncing the riots, also said that the freedom comes with "the responsibility to be thoughtful about others.

Hmm. Funny, but I can't find anything about that in the First Amendment...

A poster on the train I rode to work on yesterday noted: "1 million in Chicago lack health insurance."

Chicago has a population of between 3 and 4 million.

But, of course, the highest priority has been banning smoking in those health havens known as bars, because of the dangers of unproven secondhand smoke that dub private businesses "pubic places"...

Michael Jacobson, of Science (Not) in the Public Interest, is chastising McDonald's because its French fries apparently have increased in levels of trans fats.

I thought they were tasting better recently. At one point, they went to some different cooking oil, I complained to HQ--and got free gift certificates to boot! Not to mention that statistic last year indicated that customers weren't ordering those healthy options so much.

I have a solution for people who want to avoid trans fats:

Don't go to McDonald's, you knuckleheads...

So they Grammy Awards took place and winners are... Who fucking cares? Pat Boone won more Grammy's than Elvis and the situation still honors Big Sellers that'll be gone in a few years...

Fall fashions are out and here's a reminder for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, especially the dames:

You're being told what to do--and many of you go along with it--by people who don't know what looks good on women, or at least are deficient in their opinions.

Men have a Built-In Attractiveness Detector in, of course, the penis--although the gay ones point in a different direction altogether-and women and gays are predominantly the ones designing this stuff...



Today's Honoree (or is that "Horror-ee"): Chicago Alderman Ed. Burke (14th Ward)

Creaming his pants over Chicago's fascist new anti-smoking law, noted whackjob and leader in the Big Mother movement Burke wants to add a provision to also ban tobacco lounges and emporiums from allowing smoking. You know, places where people go to smoke, only to smoke, as legal adults aware of the controversy over secondhand smoke and the dangers of smoking.

Zig heil for health (whether you want it or not)!

Oh, and by the way, I hear Burke has sex with goats...



TODAY'S EDITION: Jonathon Brandmeier

Radio personality Jonathan Brandmeier is a legend of Chicago radio--and he's back on the air!

That may not be relevant to most of you but, hey. Perhaps you can listen online--see Sloop's Glantamerous Links on the site...



An English guy was quite impressed

with bird who forgot to confess

she was on the rag

but he saw red flag

and boinkin' cried, "What bloody mess!"



For our Extra Cheezy Saturday Edition, you're in for a special feature, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers: DL/S&Y answers a magazine's question.

This one's from People Magazine, the cover emblazoned with a photo of Jennifer Aniston:

People's Question: "How's Jen Coping?"

DL/S&Y Answer: Who cares?



> HOw did things go last night?

It WAS a direct reply to the Daily Limerick e-mail list.

What? We need letters, ya' Slapper Yapper Grasshopper bastards.



In Dr. Phil's next role he'll serve

as "cupid" for Match.com's pervs

and des'prate. By doin'

can sleaze lawyers sue him

o'er "dates" found in forest preserves?



Although Bush was obviously keeping news of this foiled terror attack in L.A. under wraps as an ace-in-the-hole, and he's now whipping it out to assuage the Bill-of-Rights-Raping spying activities.

According to the AP, he "didn't say" whether the spying activities played a part in the prevention of the attack.

In a somewhat related event, Chicago's Mayor Daley, and a bunch of people to be honest, are questioning why numerous Chicago White Sox, including manager Ozzie Guillen, aren't taking up Bush's invite to the White House as world champions.

Hmm, what could it possibly be? What reason could anybody have to dislike Bush, despite this "obligation" to "respect" him and be "honored," as people like Mayor Daley somehow found in our Constitution but which we can't find, for the life of us...

Actually, Guillen at least had the excuse of having a family vacation planned. And his son, Ozzie, Jr., gave him the perfect alibi, saying "Mr. Daley is a politician. My dad is not"...

Speaking of the foiled attack, while terrorists are certainly whackjobs and nothing can justify such a thing, there is a clue here as to why so many around the world hate the U.S.

What was plotted for attack was once called the Library Tower. And now? It's the U.S. Bank Tower...

Speaking of Bush's BSing the Union Address, do you recall him touting the economy?

"Long-Term Fears Spook Investors: Rally Sputters as Questions Mount on Economy"

It's too bad the American people can't collectively see that more than these questions are being mounted by Bush's economic policy...

Some scientists, or studiers of things, or whatever, are now warning of the dangers of inhaling the substances that form that "new car smell."

So this is where it's headed. Secondhand upholstery?...

Speaking of "secondhand" stuff, Chicago's recent anti-smoking legislation, like that of many municipalities, requires smokers to be 15 feet away from building entrances.

And we see knuckleheads actually obeying here, downtown.

First of all, this (and the "secondhand smoke," er, "science" overall) won't pass court judgment, when it comes to that. (There's the 7th District Court of Appeals in San Fran, the most liberal in the nation, decision on a similar matter a few years back. But let's not digress any more.)

And, of course, what better could the police in a city like Chicago have to do with their time?...

Read some news yesterday about buzz for this coming Olympics being at an all-time low.

I wonder why. Couldn't be that, since the scandal-ridden committee opened the door to professionals after centuries of it being an all-amateur event, and they went to every two years to rake in more ad dollar, and it appears one out of every three participants is shilling for VISA, and most news about the Olympics in off-times concerns the steroid witch hunt--wherein, most recently, U.S. sledder Zach Lund was found "guilty until proven innocent" for taking a hair growth pill that could possibly be used to mask steroid use--well... What the hell was my point, anyway?...

There is one good things about the Olympics, though: They've knocked that Godawful Saturday Night Live off the air...

I think the NHL should award Mike Gretsky for his little gambling scandal.

At least somebody's paying attention to pro hockey now...

And so your Sunday Slappin' and Yappin' returns in an, er, "literary" full circle to the Chicago White Sox. You see, with Ozzie Guillen's snub, matched by other players... Well, I've went from the by-default Sox fan (more a statement against the Tribune Company's Cubs--kinda like voting for John Kerry), to a bigger but fair-weather fan, to an actual Sox fan.

Now I just need to get more excited about baseball as a sport.

Damn Bears.




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Paper Route

When I was in grade school, I had a paper route. I can't even remember the name of the paper. It was a weekly version of the Crystal Lake (IL) Herald (now the Northwest Herald covering all of McHenry County) and it was delivered to houses that didn't subscribe to the Herald--a round-up of stories from the week previous.

My dad made me a laminated map of the route and added big side baskets to a bike. It was a slacker route, really. Most didn't care too much about the paper--occasionally someone would even yell at me because they didn't want the doorstep clutter. But I did take the job seriously and maintained a strong work ethic.

For instance, a friend of mine who'd also delivered the paper told stories of dumping the bunch for delivery in a field or somethng, which I never did. I delivered 'em as directed by the delivery staff. Including the house where I eventually learned a woman had committed suicide (where, as you can imagine, yellowed papers piled up).

I'd talk my sister, constantly, into helping me. You see, she was a member of our silly little band, Baby Brass Band, and I'd constantly threaten to fire her (we used slide whistles; boxes and garbage cans for makeshift percussion; and a thing I called a "squird" to record such classics as "Green Bean Party." So I'd threaten to "fire" her from the band. Which amused my mom.

I'd talk the neighbor kid into helping, too. I recall him riding around with a newspaper tucked under his butt to fart and smell it up.

My dad used to make me put half of my check into a bank account. Which I blew, when of college-age, on a stereo system.

With the other half, I usually purchased Kiss albums.







TODAY'S POEM: Reckoning


The author put his characters' guns away.

He could almost hear the sounds of disarmament:

the click of a revolver being opened, cold

bullets falling into his hand. A sniper rifle

taken apart, its components placed in their case.

An old shotgun that stuck in wet weather, opened

against his knee, so the shells slid out.


His fiercely talked-about centerpieces,

in the best of his quick-moving novels,

showcased gunsmoke and the smell of carbide. He wanted

to move away from that, at the behest of no one -- what

sells sells. He wanted to slow down the pace,

develop conversation, just two people talking, as

both act and interlude.


Push away from plot and finely craft

his relationships, as he had been unable to do,

in fiction and in his life.


[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



We received a letter this week from the office of Chicago Alderman Ed Burke. I, the Chief Limericist, was puzzling over how to respond and, coming off a week with no night of more than five hours' sleep, I thought I'd wait until morning to craft an answer.

Among other things, I wondered about the implications of the "this e-mail is intended solely for the recipient" clause standard in such correspondence and thought I'd look into that, suspecting that such a restriction was be shaky, legally, as it concerned a very public figure's employee but... As testament to my exhausted state, I accidentally deleted the e-mail.

Now, even if I wouldn't publish the e-mail, a decision I was leaning toward, I would have liked to have kept it, but discovered, in going to take another glance, that I'd killed it out, along with some other e-mail I would liked to have saved. It didn't say much of anything, a confused reply to an e-mail from DL tipping-off a recent Burke mention.

You see, DL/S&Y has, as of late, been firing off e-mail to folks mentioned in a Limerick or in S&Y, as a way of generating traffic and, as us types are wont to do, perhaps, well, pissing someone off who "takes the bait" and thus generating a ton of traffic. It's the same theory that makes the likes of the Christian Coalition occasionally prove their worth--a group sounds off about something they find "offensive" and this mostly serves to draw traffic/customers/etc. to the source of the alleged offense.

Although we are a Free Speech-happy source unafraid of the repercussions from utilizing our freedom (we were going to link those hubbub-generating Danish cartoons to the site, as major U.S. outlets have shied away, until discovering that everybody on the Web already had)... We must admit to some paranoia as of late, ala "Will the alderman have me beaten by cops?" The Chief Limericist even turned a bit edgy when he briefly couldn't get his bus/train card to work. "Did Burke call the Chicago Transit Authority and have my card deactivated?"

This is why we're giving the "intended only for recipient" clause the benefit of the legal doubt. And I'm only mentioning it for our safety, really, at this point: We're mostly in CHICAGO. Readers have doubtless heard much about Chicago, its government and general means of "doing business." So just keep that in mind, should the Chief Limericist turn up missing or something, or should tales of cut-off electrical service or whatever being appearing here in DL/S&Y.

Of course, this doesn't mean we'll turn around and excise the original mention from the site. In this case, Burke is a very public figure and thus can be blathered about in most any matter in the press. (Unless, of course, he's actually libeled. For instance, seriously accused of a crime by a source taken seriously--say, he's implicated for bribe-taking or something in the Sun-Times without proper evidence.)

DL/S&Y has "blotted out" a name from the Archives only once before. We used to occasionally make fun of people because they had a funny name and I managed to upset somebody a'Googlin' for info on her dead father. In this case, we were talking about a private figure--not a celebrity or politician or anything like that--and, in any event, the joke wasn't very funny to begin with. In fact, long before the woman contacted us, we'd decided to stop the "Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason" feature, suspecting that someone might take offense at a private figure being so ridiculed and feeling that perhaps the feature was a mistake, after all.

So... We'll leave it at that.

Oh, I guess I'm leaving out a key piece of information here. In the Feb. 10 edition, we gave Ald. Burke an AMERICAN TALIBAN, ER, "AWARD."

So we probably are being paranoid. Nothing to take offense at whatsoever...



White Sox coach sched conflict solution

skipped White House--caused near revolution!

Critics cry "respect's

owed Pres!"--not, I checked

in MY copy of Constitution.



A description of Stephen King's new novel from a Sunday "Books" section describes a horror fantasy scenario wherein "cell phone calls turn Americans into terrifying zombies."

So... How is that a "fantasy" world, Mr. King?

Okay, in all fairness and in deference to the cell addicts, most of you aren't "terrifying." Otherwise... Come to think of it, though, many of you ARE terrifying--when behind the wheel, for instance, or crossing busy city streets, or how 'bout when... Hmm.

No, this is another case of first impressions being right: Just how is this premise a "fantasy," Mr. King?...

By the way, I was one of the few, the proud, the...three watching the Pro Bowl last night.

Guess I miss football.



By David Sher


TODAY'S HAIKU: Medical Choice Haiku


When in Chicago

Don't use doctors named either

Piser or Weinstein


[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]



Sure men came 'board, at first, to bust hymens

but I'm up for the romance 'n' rhymin'--

though St. Valentine's histr'ry

lost much magic and mystery

under industry sway of Big Diamonds.



Continuing from the Limerick on today's holiday theme, saw a story yesterday about the increasing prevalence of plastic surgery as a St. Valentine's Day gift.

Gotta give the American marketing community credit on this one--for managing to surpass diamonds in the shameless superficiality-masquerading-as-"romantic" category...

Don't Forget, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that you're far more likely to fund terrorism with a diamond purchase than a drug buy. (And even more likely than when buying gas!)

Don't hold your breath for the Bush PSAs, though...

So Vice President Dick Cheney a big-bucks lawyer pal accidentally while quail hunting.

So... Geez. We can't even attempt adding amusement via pontification to this one. In fact, if all news were like this, "humor" pundits like DL/S&Y would be out of a gig...

Speaking of noted misfires, a House of Representatives investigation of what went wrong with the government's Katrina response has blamed FEMA--AND just about everybody involved: GOP and Dem, mayor, government, etc.

Remember that next time you hear a politician(s) trumpeting some sort of "bipartisan" bill, effort, etc.



The Center for Pub. Int'rest Sci.'s

on McD's case for fatty fries.

But their "Int'rest's" vested

in sal'ry--FRIES tested

for healthiness? Hey, we'll decide.



Many are up-in-arms over new revelations that debit card money given as Katrina relief funds went to purchases such things as "adult entertainment."

We say to each his own. Bag of rice, stripper--one man's relief is another man's blah.

And I think we can all agree that we'd like to see Katrina victims experience happy endings...

We're generally positive and optimistic here at DL/S&Y, despite living in a Moron's World.

Nonetheless... If you spent Valentine's Day watching, "Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Love Smart," we might just have to recommend your giving up on life.

Come to think of it... If you spent Valentine's Day as a couple watching "Dr. Phil's Primetime Special: Love Smart," we might just... Actually, if you spend ANY time, from alone to amid a full-on crowd, watching Dr. Phil in ANY form...

I've been reading the "Complete Peanuts" comic compendia as they are released--and the latest, featuring 1957-58, is delightful as shit. The characters have developed their signature personalities, the most memorable pursuits have begun--Charlie Brown's kite flying, Lucy's pursuit of Schroeder, etc.

And upon pondering the plight of Chuck and his baseball team, I wondered: Is reading Peanuts how Cubs coach Dusty Baker manages to get up each morning?...



A bill is currently being before the Senate Judiciary Committee, to be considered on Thursday, that would drop express protection for "noncommercial use" of a trademark, weakening protections for those who use trademarks, corporate names, etc. in news commentary and such. The legislation has already passed the House.

In other words, your representatives in Congress feel that the poor little corporations don't have enough pull and shouldn't be subject to as much scrutiny in the public eye. It hurts their itty-witty feelings. And, more importantly, their not so itty-witty profits.

I was informed, via the Authors Guild, that a Senator from every state is on the judiciary committee--and two from Wisconsin.

So e-mail or call your ass...er, senator(s) and tell 'em, "You can't SERIOUSLY be thinking of voting for this corporate blowjob known as H.R. 683, can you?" Feel free to link this, while you're at it.

As for your representatives, who have already approved this unlubricated, anal rape of Free Speech... Well, perhaps tarring and feathering is in order. I'll leave that up to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

Oh, and thanks, Major Media, for keeping us informed on this one. Still cowering over the Danish cartoons, are ya'?...



TODAY'S EDITION: Hunger strikes

Hungry strikes are... (Shudder.)

Voluntarily avoiding food. Beyond even dieting or even (in some cases) Super-modeling?

You know, we at Daily Limerick... (Shudder.)

DL/S&Y aims to be a Free Speech exercise, among other things--unafraid to tackle the most controversial or ugly of topics but...we've gotta draw the line somewhere.

Hunger striking? (Shudder)...



Too bad can't take Iran's top brainy,

Osama--all World Play'rs insaney--

and get them together

one day of fine weather

to send 'em quail hunting with Cheney!



Visiting Dr. Phil's Web site, to fill him and his folks in on all the nice things we've said about him lately, I ended up creating a log-in and such in order to post on site message boards.

Filling out my profile's "birth date" section, I noted that one could choose a year as recent as 2006.

To accommodate, I suppose, many of those seeking Dr. Phil's advice who would be, as they say, "born yesterday"...

After fretting a bit over the coming due-date for payment on my still-sprawling college financial aid debt, I received a call from my college's "Alumni Organization," or whatever the hell he called it.

Asking me to donate to a scholarship fund.

I guess those academic types aren't all stuffy and humor-free, after all...

I just figured something out:

There exists an entity called the United States Bowling Congress. It regulates the sport, er, game, er whatever of bowling.

So this explains recent actions of Congress and its members' confusion over what they should and should not be making laws about.

See, it's so simple, it has been easy to miss. The "Congress" referred to in the First Amendment has apparently caused some confusion among our legislators. Obviously, they're reading the First Amendment as "The UNITED STATES BOWLING CONGRESS shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech or of the press."

For the longest time, I thought Congress had trouble with the definition of "no," thinking it meant "some" or "occasionally" or "only pertaining to hella-lame puritan sensitivities" or something. That would be hopeless.

But this revelation leads to a more positive outlook. In its simplicity, Congress missed the fact that "Congress," in the Bill of Rights, was in fact referring to THEM.

So I'm sure we can get the word out and fix this problem right up. Congressmen will be happier, too, what with an increased ability to focus time on issues of actual importance and, instead of the easy-way-out posturing that leaves one feeling empty, the good feeling that comes with meeting an actual legislative challenge...



Those Danish Mohammed 'toons teach

that though presses worldwide they'd reach

of nations progressive--

U.S. press? Regressive!

(We only INVENTED Free Speech.)



Headline: "New Abu Ghraib Images Aired" with deck: "Graphic Clips From Notorious Iraq Jail Could Incite Violence"

COULD incite violence, huh?

Not like the whackjobs in questions are just looking for excuses to get violent or anything, right?...

So now word comes out that Saddam warned the U.S. of likely coming terrorist attacks in 1995. (Although, it should be noted, NOT from Iraq. He was evil, but not stupid.)

Of course, he'd know. But why would we listen to him? Especially since we wouldn't listen to our own intelligence since 1994, or task force assessments (whose suggestions would've cost the airline industry money) going back to the freakin' 1970s...

Although this perhaps entails some beating of a dead horse, I think an explanation of DL/S&Y's anti-Olympics attitude is in order.

First, we got to thinking about how this means we're shunning the results of the hard work, and lifelong dreams, of individual athletes. This is indeed, a good point--although, like war or lawsuits, sometimes the larger entity can only be held accountable through actions harming the unfortunate individuals underneath.

The "crimes" of the International Olympic Community entail over-marketing (easy to overlook) and Witch Hunt Drug Testing (not so easy to overlook and, in this case, a policy harming those individuals mentioned above and their life-long dreams). But the big crimes started with letting sports "go pro."

Of course, back in the day, when our Chief Limericist was a shaver cheering wildly for the U.S. hockey team to defeat the Ruskies, the Olympics were an amateur affair. The commie bastards, of course, cheated a bit on that--which made the U.S. win all the more exciting--but they at least conformed, in outward letter, to the amateur thing.

Then came Michael Jordan, pro basketball's soaring popularity, record Greed on the part of the Olympic organizers and... Well, now hockey's went the same way and we don't know what else--we've ignored the Olympics for anything other than fun-making or fascist watching activities for so long.

In addition to grieving, as of late, for the little guy athletes, we've also realized that the nature of "pro" and "amateur" has changed. Does taking product shill money make an athlete a pro athlete--or does it only make them a pro commercial actor?

In any event, our revised policy deems it okay to watch the Olympics--except the obvious "pro" events, like basketball and hockey. We're a little uneasy of the whole thing, still, concerning the Witch Hunt and stuff but... There you go.

So feel free, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, to enjoy much of the Olympics!

As if you're really awaiting our okay. It's not like we're freakin' OPRAH or anything...

There has been a rash of jailbreaks lately from the Cook County (Ill.) system, which, of course, encompasses Chicago.

There's, naturally, much discussion of this in the local (and sometimes national) press, but it was only yesterday that I read of the demands from one band of escapes, upon being cornered, for cigarettes.

Cook County banned smoking in prisons recently. Secondhand smoke and all. And, yes, a few years ago, we would view our current society as ludicrous over this.

Now, the inmates broke the law, perhaps endangering the public and, regardless of their reasons, their behavior is inexcusable.

But... Wildly puritanical laws to protect people from themselves actually spurring an increase in crime? (And this is one of many, many examples--including cig smuggling.)

Hmmm. Unheard of--it's not like we're a society too hopeless to avoid re-committing mistakes of the past. No, sir, this is a completely new phenomenon. It's not like anything like this has ever happened--not in, say, the 1920's or anything or, say, concerning anything like banning alcohol, or the Chinese government back in B.C. times, oh, for example, banning opium and spurring a "forbidden fruit" phenom, or a current "Just Say No" anti-drug rage, or...

Semi-recently, borderline lewd praise for a singer in the ENTERTAIN ME! section, and also SLOOP'S GLANTAMEROUS LINKS, led to publicity e-mail for a show featuring the band in question which misidentified their babeage by labeling her with the name of a FORMER singer for the band, due to poor Web researching. (ASK for her name? Preposterous!)

This was drawn to my attention by the band when I hosted a show they played recently and... Well, I guess that... Good grief! I can't even stalk a Little Reddish-Haired Girl properly!...



TODAY'S EDITION: Marc Smith and the Poetry Slam

It's admittedly a full-on honkin' faux pas that we haven't spotlighted Mr. Smith and the Slam yet. It probably should've been our first "Entertain Me!" feature. Then again, the Polkaholics ARE God-like figures, but... Ahem.

Poetry, in the public eye, is... Well, if we have to fill you in on that, we probably have to come over and wipe your ass, and DL/S&Y draws the line there. Although... well, send a pic and perhaps we can... Ahem #2.

In the 1980s Smith, as a poetry-lovin' guy, was a little pissed-off that all live poetry readings were snooty, cheese-nibblin', wine-sniffin', academic affairs. Plus, unlike with other forms of entertainment--say, live music--audiences were somehow expected to put up with any self-indulgent crap performed, and to clap afterward, on top of it, regardless of the Godawfulness level.

So Smith devised a system to put the audience back in control--and to revive an art form deservedly shunned by the public at large at the time (and still so, in most cases). So he took a cue from history--Carl Sandburg, for instance, was involved in entertaining-to-the-audience poetry shows back in the proverbial day.

Now, there is a wide array of "slams," with a much different interpretation followed, say, in Los Angeles and in smaller towns, but the original version Smith conceived in Chicago left the competition second--wherein randomly chosen judges scratch scores out on napkins and assign a "winner"--and he placed audience control at the forefront by actually encouraging a crowd to boo or stomp a boring/full-of-himself/self-important/etc. poet from the stage.

Marc Smith and the Poetry Slam made poetry accessible and enjoyable to the public again, doing more for the art form than anybody else in the last 50 years. The Slam also to sour grapes-based cries of "sell out" from much of the (unfortunately) "traditional" poetry community but... Well, that's another story.

Check Sloop's Glantamerous Links for more on Smith and the original Slam as it's meant to be run, first, and only then decide whether one near you is worth a visit.

Of course, you may notice that horrible poetry, performance and otherwise, still abounds. But like that for Freedom, we can only hope to win battles, as the Greater War never truly ends...



> if you're getting the hits on your website, maybe you can put an ad for me

> on your site...

They said it couldn't be done! And, well, perhaps it still can't.

But anyway, still no sexy pics sent in. But the site itself is getting hit on, apparently.



A hot young Thai chick, name of Rachel,

at bash in apartment sized-glacial

walked in on hot head

and fell on the bed

acc'dent'lly spurring "inter-facial."



My place of employment has a locked door/buzzer system for main building entry. But when you're the first one in and you leave to, say, take a leak or puff a bit o' cigar, somebody can be "let in" by an unthinking building worker entering, and you can find a visitor awaiting upon your return.

This happened to me Friday. I returned to my office and was greeted by a young lady:

"Hi. I'm an intern."

Praise the Lord! NOW I believe in you, whole-heartedely!

"Do you know what I can DO to get started?"

Hallelujah! Boy, DO I!


We have Clinton to thank for this, you know. The once proud field of interning has been forever sullied...

Kidding, of course--about sentiments expressed regarding the incident. (Not the Clinton comment.) Just thought I should throw that out, lest we have to re-fumigate that DL/S&Y Personal Life v. Web Site Psychiatric Couch...



DL'S First Ad (of Sorts)!... Breaking Jennifer Love Hewitt News!... And a New DL/S&Y/JLH Feature! Plus... What's with all these letters to DL's MySpace account? Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers (Sorta) Demand to Know!



Though fate that Wayne Gretsky's befell

with gambling brings a PR hell

execs cheer press mentions--

'least public attention's

now back on the lame NHL.



See the very end of today's edition for breaking Jennifer Love Hewitt news coverage...

Reading that Apple computers was embedding a "karma poem" in its software to ward of hackers, we checked into the matter to find... It's a LIMERICK! (Hmm, wonder why limericks are so popular all of a sudden!)

Not only that, but it's a poorly written one with forced rhymes and... Then again, when a company is faced with the problem of needing a limerick, whom could they possibly turn to for help in crafting one? We can't imagine...

So Al Gore decides to rant about the U.S.' treatment of Muslims post-9-11, which is fair game... But decides to do it NOW, as the U.S. hides its Free Speech ass up its head and extremist Muslims riot worldwide with anti-Free Speech fever... And he decides to do it in the home of modern Extremist Islam, the homeland of the hatred fueling the 9-11 attacks: Saudi Arabia.

Despite all of DL/S&Y's problems with the guy, we admit he seems to be quite intelligent. So he's gotta be trying to actively trying to kill his political career with all the means he can muster, for some as-of-yet unforeseen point. Right?...

Speaking of whacktoast P.C., a proposal is in the works at the Warren G. Harding Elementary School in Hammond, Ind. to change its mascot name from "Hurricanes" to "Huskies" because of..."insensitivity" in the wake of Katrina.

Moving us one step closer to a society where, despite inventing the First Amendment, we're all just gonna take a vow of silence to avoid offending anyone or anything...

So a whole slew of healthcare providers are jacking up their fees for smokers--Gannett Newspaper Company, for instance, is throwing each a $50 fee, through whatever paper pusher they use. This is to pay for further bureaucracy and nepotism...er, for the increased healthcare costs smokers allegedly rack up--no word yet on any Dying Early Bonuses, curiously.

You know, of course, that this is setting precedent.

Better start watching what you eat. THEY'LL be watching what you eat for you, soon enough...

Oh, but considering this phenom in healthcare is from the PRIVATE sector, this is no crackdown on civil liberties.

No, only government can violate those. We can all open our legs...er, arms to the loving embrace of Corporate America!...

Speaking of this issue, a company called Weyco, out of Michigan, featured in past S&Y's for forbidding its employees to smoke ON THEIR OWN TIME, is now in our SLOOP'S GLANTAMEROUS LINKS section, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can directly use their "send a message to us" feature, to easily contact them and mention how much you, er, appreciate their concern for employee health.

That link: http://www.weyco.com/web/company/contact/customer_service.jsp...

Speaking of job-related policies, Spotsylvania (Va.) County Sheriff Howard Smith has announced that his department has ended a policy of allowing detectives to receive sexual services, under the guise of obtaining evidence, for investigations into illegal sexual services.

This obviously has implications for investigations spanning everything from illegal gambling rings to drug dealing. For it doesn't seem like there was TOO inordinate an amount of hubbub regarding Smith's previous policy, albeit enough to cause him to end it.

Practically speaking, however, I'm wondering how it relates to on-the-job intern investigations. You know, as it regards...let's say "getting close" to an intern to make sure she's really doing her job and all. Hey! Internships are important, both to organizations and...and... Ahem:

Just kidding, just kidding... Again, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, it has only been a years since we fully fumigated the Personal Life Spilling into DL/S&Y Psychiatric Couch...

Speaking of college-related matters (apparently, we're lazy-seg happy today), the University of Georgia mistakenly sent letters of acceptance to 100 state high school students. Only to send follow-up letters informing each that they hadn't been accepted, after all.

Giving folks elated anticipation--only to yank it right away? Who do they think they are--my ex-wife?...

Just thought of something: The postal abbreviation for the State of Kentucky is KY.

He hee.





(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sadness Helps You Sleep

When I (Chief Limericist checking in here) was a shaver, I recall one time, as my dad was tucking me in to sleep, being really sad. I don't recall why.

My father told me, "Well, on the bright side, it's always easy to fall asleep when you're sad."

That advice has proven true to me throughout my life. Sometimes, if I'm excited, I have a tough time sleeping, at least until I toss the sausage around a bit but... Ahem. I meant "excited" in the non-bawdy way.

Anyway... I've never been one to have much trouble getting to sleep but, somehow, my dad's words comforted me. "I'm sad, but at least I'll fall right to sleep--and tomorrow's another day."

And that sorta made me happy.

But not in a way that wouldn't let me get to sleep.







TODAY'S POEM: Rubbing out these lines to make better ones


Pencils are trees. They create

a forest of silence waiting

for words.


[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



This is to that damn DailyLimerick MySpace account, from "Kimberly":

> Hi. FYI this is not my account, I am using my girlfriends. You can email me

> directly at $@#%&&!!.


> Not sure exactly what to say....Im looking for somebody to go out with, after

> work, or on weekends. I can send a pic if you email me. I dont know how to post

> one through this site.


> Well...I hope to hear from you soon...

Sorry, "Kimberly" but, as a rule, we do not date people met online, through dating services, as blind dates or "matchmaking" schemes... In short, we only do that through, well, going about life and not in the modern, desperado lose ways.

Out of curiosity, though... What were you planning for a first date? Let me guess: A romantic stroll in a forest preserve?

Oh, and here's another one--again to that confounded MySpace account--from "Harold":


> this girl who has been my best friend since ive been young hits me up. She says

> she sees this profile of someone that reminds her of her first crush. I dunno Im

> not the one who should be filling you in Ill let her.


> I will let you know that she is cool as hell and gets pretty crazy at times on

> webcam in a fun way, be prepared. to be honest i used to have a crush on her

> myself but its too weird now. she said she was shy or something to be the first

> one to initiate talk but she even posted a blog about ya or something


> anyways seems like you are all she is talking about and interested in so check

> her out and add her up as a friend. something might work out who knows yea

Hmm again. Hmmm indeed.

Have you seen the Chief Limericist's profile on the MySpace site, or on this site? (See SLOOP CENTRAL and HEADSHOT.)

So... Which cartoon character, do you think, was her first crush? Send in your hypotheses, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

(On a telling note, the above correspondence soon led me to "Kristen's" personal site, which curiously turned out to be "adult" and for-profit in nature. A mix-up, I'm sure. I seriously doubt anybody would mine the moronic masses at MySpace with scams and such!)



This will be a running feature in DL/S&Y until results are achieved.

Daily Limerick's Honorary Queen, Jennifer Love Hewitt, is reportedly considering doing a Playboy spread in the near future.

And we have a letter that you can post on her message board to help bring this about.

Follow the link below (unfortunately, you have to "register" to post, but you can just uncheck any boxes putting you on her e-mail list during the process) and paste in this letter:


Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt:

As a regular DailyLimerick.net reader, I am often brought to the point of tears when going about my daily routines, just thinking about the state of our world--war, terrorism, famine, AIDS, "Yes Dear" still being on-air, etc.

And I think what this world REALLY needs at a time like this is... Well, Jennifer Love Hewitt posing nude in Playboy.

Please, help make the world a better place!

Oh, and contact DailyLimerick, because Chief Limericist John "Sloop" Biederman has a couple teentsy requests for the shoot, considering she's been named Daily Limerick's Honorary Queen and all.

We the Daily Limerick readers, aka Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, eagerly await your decision.

Thank you, from the bottoms of our e-hearts.

PS: He's linked your site, too! What a guy!

(Please note that Daily Limerick is a "mature readers" site--no nudity or pornography, but, well...c'mon, we're talking Limericks, even if they are mostly "News Limericks." Otherwise, see http://www.DailyLimerick.net.)


And that link, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:




The word's out that Jenny Love Hewitt,

though often in past did eschew it,

might pose for Playboy

and spur global joy--

hope for troubled world? She'll renew it!



You know what television needs?

We need another cop character who's also a "recovering alcoholic"...

By the way, why are people who haven't had a drop of alcohol for years still "recovering"...but someone who has kicked something unambiguously deadly like, say, cancer, is not considered a "recovering" anymore?



By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Citrus Haiku

Strange navel orange

With a dimple, not a bump

Look! It's an innie

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]



This letter begins with a news lead:

> "Daley Wants Security Cameras at b\Bars


> "CHICAGO--Surveillance cameras--aimed at government buildings, train platforms

> and intersections here--might soon be required at corner taverns and swanky

> nightclubs."

> John, is Chicago going crazy or just Communist? What is the difference between

> a Swanky and a Non-Swanky nightclub?


> Todd

Hmm. It all started with the indoor smoking ban. The one involving sham science "secondhand smoke" and declaring private businesses "public property."

Oh, and a "swanky" nightclub is one with a sausage bar.



It's Jenny Love Hewitt's birthday!

Best wishes, 'course... What else to say?

Get Playboy shoot going

so we can stop blowing

Lim'ricks on this topic each day!



By the way, it IS Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday. So, there is SOME reasoning behind Daily Limerick becoming a near-Jennifer Love Hewitt fan site as of late.

But we promise to knock it off. Until, of course, Big JLH News hits. Or Jenny checks in and finds Daily Limerick just what the doctored ordered. Or perhaps she finds it just what the doctor restraining ordered...

The State of California has caused a minor hubbub by hiring an anesthesiologist to confirm unconsciousness in criminals sentenced and subjected to lethal injection.

You see, the medical profession has strong oaths and ethics forbidding that sort of thing.

In order to assist with causing another human beings death, doctors need follow a complicated procedure involving refusing needed treatments to those lacking medical insurance or other means to pay for medical services...

Sidney Coal Co. president Charlie Bearse is now pushing to relax the "English-speaking-only" rules for coal mining employment to open the mines to Latino workers.

Just an admirable commitment to diversity, we suppose. We can't imagine how, in light of current events and such, some Negative Nancy could find a problem with someone trying to pack bunches of Mexicans into coalmines...

Mars Candy Company will soon be launching CocoaVia, a line of confections trumpeted as "healthy," based on new research touting the health benefits of dark chocolate.

Anybody else get the feeling that science is now just a way of "proving" that what we like is "good for us"--beer, wine, chocolate--and that what is socially unpopular is not only bad for us individually, but bad for everyone in a three-mile radius?...



Op'ning bill for financial aid,

which, when I'm grandpa, MIGHT be paid,

my college's schol-

arship fund gives call:

"Donate?"--how laughs kick-start your day!



Charles Barkley is the latest celeb to say something dumb and then try the "every little thing I say is scrutinized" trick as an excuse.

So, let's get our response to these types straight, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

You asked for fame and then bitch and moan when people treat you like a celebrity. Yes, you pay the price via decreased privacy, but you also get bazillions of bucks, a choice of supermodels for the bangin' and, generally, to live a life that bazillions only dream of.

So if you don't like the "scrutinizing"...exit the Limelight and go live on a sheep farm in Wyoming or something. Otherwise, shut up.

Or just keep babbling like whacktoast for our amusement and, of course, scrutiny...

There was a pull-out section for children in my newspaper yesterday:

"The Guidebook for Dealing with Conflict," brought to us by Allstate Insurance. Which made us wonder how Allstate is benefiting from the Costly Treatment for EVERYTHING Movement.

Which reminds us: We're still awaiting proof that "Anger Management" classes do a damn thing other than give businesses a scapegoat, bring therapists money and keep jail cells open for the priority nonviolent drug offenders. Just ONE successful case is all we're asking...

There's a growing trend of men paying "marriage proposal planners" before popping the question.

Romance isn't dying. It's just growing more costly...



TODAY'S EDITION: Banquet's $1 Meals

Frozen food giant Banquet has... Well, read the damn headline!

Well, the meals cost a $1 with one's "Preferred Card" in Jewel and/or Albertson's stores, at least in Chicago (we're assuming the deal stretches a deal beyond our area). And they consist of an entree and side dishes. The side dishes are admittedly tiny and, while we're 'fessin' we'll also admit that it takes two of these meals to feed our Chief Limericist. Actually, he could probably throw down three, but two will do the trick for most dinner needs.

In any event, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might be a tad frightened at the though of exactly what goes into a $1 dinner. But having worked in fast food... Well, anything you put in your mouth is frightening if you dwell on it. (Say, those are words to live by, come to think of it.)

We'll especially recommend Banquet's fried chicken (especially since fried chicken has a reputation as a dangerous proposition in frozen foods), Swedish meatballs and "Chinese" dishes (sweet and sour chicken, fried rice and eggroll). Most are "good enough," however--for instance, while the $1 Salisbury steak pales in comparison to On-Cor or other brands, it's certainly passable.

(Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' assumes no responsibility for injuries and/or ailments incurred in the following of "Eat It!" section advice.)



"Anger Management's" now for perps;

of violent crimes (most hopeless jerks).

Frees jails up for druggies

though of it, we're buggy

at lack of proof it's ever worked



So the Supreme Court has refused to intercede in a Governors State University case in which a lower court found colleges within their rights to censor student newspapers--in this case, for such national security-protecting matters as, well, not having bumbling academic bureaucrats come off as...well, come off realistically.

You may have missed the hubbub.

In fact, there wasn't much hubbub.

The case was just about Free Speech, falling outside the realm of modern "progressive" acceptable court protest, a realm which includes...abortion rights and...well, just abortion rights, apparently...

A Gallup poll finds that the average adult American can now name 2.5 out of 6 world leaders identified by photos.

Of course, that's pathetic, and there's no reason to fear for the Moron Majority just yet but it is up from an average score of 1.5 in 2000.

So, why are Americans apparently better informed? Could it be...more entertaining news presentation? Could it be...Daily Limerick?

Serve your country! Read Daily Limerick!...

Serve your country even more! Send us Letters!...




> Thank you for visiting the Allstate Insurance Company Web site. We have received

> your email and forwarded your inquiry to the appropriate department. You will

> receive a response shortly.


> If you're an Allstate customer, did you know...

This was in reply to an e-mail we sent informing Allstate that they'd been mentioned in yesterday's Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin'.

We did mention, out of procedure, that any reply would be deemed suitable for LETTERS TO THE IDIOT publication.

Try to curtail your excitement.

We are hoping, however, that they really DO send a response, shortly.

PR people fill the role that clowns once did in our society. Only, of course, accidentally on their part.



Study says choc'late's now good for us--

doesn't matter if source we can trust!

Pizza, wine and beer, too

have had healthiness "proved"

(but stats touting veggies see no fuss).



Pope Benedict XVI has appointed Joseph Zen to be Cardinal of Hong Kong. Zen is a noted critic of China's human rights policies and, of course, this is getting the filthy commies all hot and bothered.

Gotta hand it to the Vatican, on this one at least. Actually practicing a diplomatic process more progressive than the good ol' U.S. of A...

So Illinois is joining six other states in introducing legislation to require online dating sites to flag participants who are sex offenders.

In Illinois' case, the bill has been introduced by noted knucklehead Rep. John Bradley (D-Marion).

This type of things falls under the same umbrella as laws protecting wahoos who fall for spam/junk mail/telemarketing schemes.

In short: I don't want MY tax dollars spent defending people too desperate and hella-stupid to realize that meeting folks online, as opposed to through having a Life, will likely lead to your butchered remains being found by a jogger in a forest preserve.

I'm sure the crime/online dating connection is a growing problem. Not enough of one, however, to consider anything rash--like rethinking the idea of imprisoning drug "criminals" so we wouldn't have to let dangerous sex offenders out to begin with...




Jumpsuit is a fine, ass-kickin' band. Their heavy "bottom bass" reminds me a good deal of the earliest (first three) albums by Kiss.

They also have a song called "Time Machine" and, for its live performance, they haul a makeshift "time machine" onstage. So let that serve as an example of their theatricality, also like early Kiss.

Oh, and see http://therockandtheroll.com (and, later, Sloop's Glantamerous Links), for their Web site. Don't go to jumpsuit.com unless... Well, unless you're actually looking to buy a jumpsuit, oddly enough.



A girlie ran through nature, free!

But was attacked by killer bees,

which made her face swell

but no guys can tell

because she has 44Ds.



Saw a product today called "Airborne" which is, I believe, a medicine that's not a medicine. Perhaps an herbal thing. Not sure. Anyway, it capitalizes on paranoia of bird flu, or whatever the latest hypochondriac rage, during air travel. And for supplementing hypochondria, of course, wherever it may strike.

The main tout on its package? "Created by a Schoolteacher."

So... Hmmm.

Because a schoolteacher... No.

We're at a point where it doesn't need to make sense. If it's marketing, we'll buy it, I suppose.



Olympics, ruled by corp'rate weasels,

trumped by "Idol"--dorks say "fa-sheezle!"

Guess like politics

pop culture's new twist

is rooting for lesser of evils.



Wow! Operation Spur Iraqi Civil War is proceeding quite well?

What? It's not called that? Oh, that's right. Sorry...


"Elite Paratroopers Busted for Doing Gay Porn"

Er, guys--although the policy is "don't ask, don't tell," ignore what you may have learned in high school competition--"show, don't tell" isn't good advice in this case...

We here at Daily Limerick are developing a problem with the Welfare State.

Oh, it's not the typical, conservative bellyaching about people getting "handouts," which, by the way, amount to something like .01 percent of the handouts given corporations (which, curiously, avoids the angry rhetoric).

No, we're sick of getting caught in line at the grocery store behind someone with food stamps.

So we've decided that serious welfare reform is in order! Namely involving reconfiguring the system by which food credits are doled out, but perhaps this rant is enough, keyword-wise, for DL/S&Y to yank-in a frothing-mouthed Fox News watcher or two a'Googlin' the afternoon away...

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, after a "Daily Show" segment on birth control laws that made him appear like a fool (which, if nothing else, is a realistic portrayal), now claims he didn't know the segment was comedic.

Didn't know a "Daily Show" segment was comedic.

Given the fact that he's in charge of one of the U.S.' larger states, we can only hope he's bullshitting on a "didn't inhale" level. As in all things political, concerning the real explanation in this case, our Grandest Hopes are for the lesser of two evils...

Product: Life Fitness' "Everyday Cranberry Soft Chews."

The hard shill? "One chew equals the antioxidant benefits of a 5 oz. glass of cranberry juice cocktail."

Call me old-fashioned but wouldn't, say, DRINKING a 5 OZ FREAKIN' GLASS OF CRANBERRY JUICE better guarantee the effects of 5 oz. of cranberry juice?

Oh, sorry. That's just me, the Chief Limericist here, getting all rash and radical. We're only morphing toward a race of Jabba the Hutts; no need to get all Scrooge and suggest that everybody expend the energy swallowing--oh the exhaustion!--and the like to drink that punishing beverage called fruit juice...

Funny how so many long-time restaurants are closing lately in Chicago.

We've seen this in other cities and can't imagine why... Couldn't have anything to do with the Taliban-esque, anti-smoking in "public" private businesses laws just passed. They keep telling us that these laws "conclusively" show an INREASE in business and revenue, so, of course, our governments couldn't be lying to us.


Hmm, hmm, hmm. And another hmm.

How very, very strange. Truth is, indeed, stranger than political correctness...er, fiction...

The Chicago Tribune e-mail headline newspaper trumpeted a feature asking "Are Blogs Dead?"

Hmm. It's not as if the Behemoth Mega-merged Tribune Corporation, actively lobbying the FCC for control of any and all media voices moo-ha-ha-ha-ha!, would be self-interested in any manner, threatened at all by the Free Press haven of Internet outlets or anything, heavens no!...




(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Visiting Christmas

I was reading the latest "Complete Peanuts" compendium which,, as compendia often do, assembles the strips chronologically--in this case, those from 1957-58.

It's an interesting feeling, as you accompany the Peanuts throughout the seasons and holidays. And I (Chief Limericist checking in here), having the slightly sappy side that I do (a portion of my left ass cheek, to be precise)... Well, I especially enjoying reading the December strips--in effect, visiting Christmas.


I also enjoy visiting spring lately, seeing the occasional warmish-for-the-season winter day when a short skirt and/or high-heeled sandals are broken out. But mentioning that would interfere with the sappy tone of today's edition.

Too late, I suppose.

(Excited kinda sigh.)







TODAY'S POEM: Crossing the tideline


Crack the stones, dear body,

where the sea floods in.

The jetty of rock is black against

the wall it guards us from.


Inside the cove, we're both volcanoes

salted with brown sand.

Gold sparks charging through the wires,

building in the dusk.


We share an audience of shells

and seaglass from spilled wine.

Waves glide softly to our feet.

Lifting them up and letting them drop.


[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]



> once i threw a rock at a bee's hive and got chased by

> 100's of bees for about a block, after running for a

> while i decided it was safe to stop so i did & turned

> around and i was immediately stung on the forehead by

> a bee. then i cried and ran home.



This joker saw fit to comment, not on controversial Slappin' and Yappin' news topics, not on a news topic from a typical Limerick, but on a Cheezy Saturday, traditional ol' dirty type Limerick (thrown out, in large part, to please that traditional, professorial Limerick crowd, smoking pipes and wearing sport jackets with the patches-on-the-elbows).

And yet... Perhaps something more thoughtful is involved. Is this a simple story of bees from one's childhood (and kind of a lame one, at that) or... Some sort of allegory for the eventual fate of Operation Iraqi Freedom?



Tribune, oddly, asks "Are blogs dead?"

Why, couldn't have come from top eds.!

There's nothing to fear,

no self-interest here--

'spite quest for all news seen/heard/read.



The Sex Pistols refused to acknowledge an invite from the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Lame...er, Fame. In fact, they gave the Hall a long-time-coming rip on the Pistols' Web site. Not the most lucent of rips, full of typos and calling the Hall stuff like "urine in wine," but delightful, nonetheless.

The dark lining on the silver cloud, however: It's taken this long for a musician or band to call the Hall on its hella-lamity.

Also this week, the Hall has announced new nominations, including Miles Davis.

Miles Davis? Great musician but... Rock 'n' Roll?

It's their way of acknowledging that they're gonna have to really stretch the definition of Rock 'n' Roll because there isn't too much on the current musical landscape with a shelf life much more than pop-cultural (and non-refrigerated) milk...

Tracy Morgan, of Saturday Night Live Shame...er, Fame, was convicted of a DUI.

I could leave it at that and you'd have a good laugh.

But, anyway, I found it interesting to note that he was sentenced to "Alcohol Awareness Counseling."

Seems to us that Tracy is quite aware of alcohol and its effects...

There is a line of pillows for children with slogans like "It's All About Me."

We propose that parents caught buying such fare be beaten and sterilized on the spot, as the last thing we need is further continuance of the tradition of each generation being even more coddle than the last...



Today's Awardee: Barbara Nicolosi

Ms. Nicolosi runs an organization called "Act One," which teaches Hollywood scriptwriters to write scripts engendering Christian ideals despite working amid a cesspool of sin.

Normally, Nicolosi and DL/S&Y wouldn't be bedfellows, but... Anyway, Nicolosi came out with some advice for Christians regarding the religiously controversial "The D Vinci Code," the mega-successful historically based novel about to see light as a movie.

That advice?--Don't see it.

Not "protest it." Not get up in arms blathering about its offensiveness from Internet to Letters to the Editor.

Just don't see it.

Brilliant in its (unfortunately) old school simplicity.



By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cleanliness Haiku

After making love,

For sanitary reasons

Do you wash your hands?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]



> Just one question: Who is Jennifer Love Hewitt?

We are almost insulted over this question.

Who on Earth could possibly not know... Appalling.

What? Are you living in a cave? Are you... Good God!

OSAMA BIN LADEN is reading Daily Limerick!



One band, called by Rock's "Hall of Fame"

to join rebel mainstreaming shame

said, "Go kiss our heiny!"

the Sex Pistols--fin'ly!--

call it out as Rock's Hall of Lame.



Happy Mardi Gras! Take off your top and send us a pic! (We'll send make-believe "e-beads" in return!)...

So Sunday, for the Islamic (or is it just Nation of Islamic?) holiday Saviors' Day, Louis Farrakhan gave a speech ripping "Hollywood Jews" for "promoting lesbianism, homosexuality" and other "filth."

We were wondering why we hadn't heard from the guy in a while. It appears he still has it...



> greetings one, greetings all.  it's been too long, i know.  what can i

> say, i got a lot of games for christmas.  but we've got a couple

> significant announcements:


> 1. Monster-0 is proud to announce the release of our commentary track

> for last year's release "...And Then There Were Zero."  the commentary

> is available as a free download at www.monster-0.com, so if you'd like

> to know a little about how the album was made and Monster-0 in general,

> head on over and check it out.


> 2. lindz and i have started working on a new release, and we've

> uploaded two new demos to our MySpace page.  we'll keep posting new

> songs as they're recorded.


> as always, Monster-0 is deeply in love with you.


> daemon


> www.monster-0.com

> www.myspace.com/monster01

How delightful. A personalized greeting. From one deeply in love with DL/S&Y.

(Sigh.) Time to masturbate.


Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)


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