Daily Limerick
Archives: January 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 1/1/2006:

Those res'lutions you're saddled with

can be tough to keep--that's no myth.

But, rather than wreck 'em,

put off 'til the second

or, what the hell, third, fourth or fifth...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/1/2006:

Results of an expansive survey, intended to be shilled in a book by Chicago's Ken Berwitz, find that Republicans are about 10 percent more likely to have sex on a weekly basis than Democrats.

So... After all my rantings and ravings here, THIS oughta get you concerned about the Gore/Kerry-tization of the Democrats...

Oh, and what's all this talk about "female-friendly porn"? I guess it exists, and it includes more of a pesky plot and, undoubtedly, a bit less o' the hardcore.

Leave it alone, ladies. Men are visual, thus we have porn. Women have fantasies, too, but you already have your artistically crappy medium--soap operas and celebrity tabloids...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/1/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Huh?...Ooooh...

What? Who? Ohhh.... Sunday Story Time is taking the day off...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/1/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: A wordless room

Mutually damp bed. Light coming

from outside. A subtle sleep,

easily deepened, easily

interrupted by hunger. Pangs,

distractions, responsibilities.

It all slides away,

shut into a box; fit into

another, it disappears.

Easy.

Your hands, Abrielle. Your

hands. Write me a poem

in the typewritten dark,

to the blanket and to us.

Fruit and coffee. The traffic

sewing its noise into our calm,

unable to upset our motionless

breathing.

I hear these words in you.

It becomes enough not to speak.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/1/2006:

After yesterday's...hmm...less-than-positive Letter taking out of 2005, 2006 kicks in with this:

> thank you for your kindness. it means alot to me.

From, by the way, the same Letter writer as in yesterday's edition.

In this relationship, somebody's playing Jekyll and Hyde. And I don't recall downin' any funky potion...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/2/2006:

Not to stoke post-Christmas malaise

but as, busy with holidays,

we'd less likely note it

politicians voted

'cross the land to give selves a raise.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/2/2006:

You do realize, of course, that, the way publications and Web sites work, I had to write on any content for today's edition on Jan. 1, or New Year's Day, right?

So, you may be understanding if, say, the content for a Jan. 2 edition was a bit paltry, right?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 1/2/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Delicatessen Haiku

What was the first name

Of the Earl of Sandwich?  Was

It really Rueben?!

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/3/2006:

With holidays passed, boom or bust,

back into "real life" we are thrust.

Now work and that shtick

seems a dirty trick--

think we need more time to adjust!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/3/2006:

The Chicago Public Schools are being cited as a national model for teaching the Chinese language to non-native speakers.

I suppose that's commendable on many levels.

Me? I'd first work on having CPS students graduate knowing ENGLISH but, hey, that's why I don't make the big, nepotistic bucks...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/4/2006:

Could we be more distracted? My God--

now there's video on the iPod!

Like old sci-fi unfurled

brains divert from real world

and we walk 'round like zombie iClods.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/4/2006:

Analysts believe John Kerry is gearing up for another whack at the Presidency in 2008.

Hmm.

Due to health and other reasons, we don't have to worry about Cheney. So I wonder which Republican WILL be in office come 2009?...

Saw a newspaper ad for a massage service advertising that it's "accurate."

Must have some, um, small customers if there's any danger of missing, er, well, THAT...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/4/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Talk-Showy, Catch-Phrase Advice

Here's "Eat It!'s" contribution to the titularly referenced genre:

Lose that zero...and get yourself a gyro!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/5/2006:

They say Bush's reign's now "lame duck,"

as if life's turned rough for the shmuck.

Ev'n if goose is cooked

let's not overlook

it's still you and me who get plucked.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/5/2006:

A new TV show, "Four Kings," is being described by some as a "'Sex and the City' with male characters, for men."

So, given the reality of what "Sex and the City" is, or was, or is in syndication or whatever, "Four Kings" is... A bunch of annoying men chattering endlessly, leading unrealistic lives and, generally, acting more like lesbians than guys?...

As long as I've pointed out the hella-lame-ity of MySpace, I can't ignore the worthless, time-wasting phenomenon that is evite.

Send an e-mail, knuckleheads. Send an e-mail AND an evite and you're guaranteed I won't be attending.

Take the advice to heart, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Oh, and what the hell's with Reunion.com... And Yahoo!/Google news "services" swiping actual reporting from sources that, call 'em old-fashioned, actually PAY journalists and... Oh, well, enough on Web lame-ity for today...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/5/2006:

Happy linkees to Sloop's Glantamerous Links keep checking in:

> Thanks! One correction, though ... we're not a Turkish troupe. We perform

> Tribal Fusion style.

>

> Am honored that you included us :-)

This one's from Starkana, of the belly-dancing troupe Read My Hips.

Correction noted.

But "honored"?

Just another in a long list of words that don't mean what they used to...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/6/2006:

Our Media Trust took a dip

with trapped miner cov'rage Big Slip.

Congress spurred the mergin';

cloned pap has been surgin'--

but who cares 'less we see a nip!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/6/2006:

In Chicago, as in many Big Mother cities, states and nations, around the world, there is fierce debate raging about smoking in "public" (also code for private businesses).

Here in the Windy City, a new ordinance bans smoking in the three or four restaurants still allowing it--but leaves bars alone for now. Liberal Fascists are, of course, up in arms over the continued allowance of smoking in the health havens of taverns, but some debate recently has focused on a "loophole" in the legislation allowing tobacco retailers an exemption.

It seems that a "smoking lounge" has already opened to take advantage of this loophole.

Hmm.

Consenting adults deciding to go to an establishment where smoking is expressly allowed. Can't have that in a free society...

A rumor was flying around that Steven Spielberg was working on a remake of "Mary Poppins."

One of his spokesmen denied it, saying he "Can't imagine Steven ever doing a remake of a classic."

Which must be a slam on Orson Wells or something, as Steven did remake "War of the Worlds."

In any event, it's hard to believe such a wild rumor received any serious consideration whatsoever. Think about it: How would Spielberg direct the children in "Mary Poppins" when they are never in a dramatic position of life-threatening danger?...

Oh, and the Chief Limericist has a "Letter to the Editor" in today's edition of the Chicago Reader.

You know how to Google, don't ya'? You just put your lips together and...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 1/6/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: El Vez

Don't go calling El Vez an "Elvis Impersonator," although he does a good King.

He's an "Elvis interpreter."

There's a huge difference.

First of all, El Vez doesn't do strict Elvis tunes--he does versions trumpeting political issues, many geared toward Mexican-Americans, like "Si, I'm a Low Rider." And he isn't confined to Elvis parody, or even parody--with a version of "Takin' Care of Business" addressing the prevalence of Mexican-American laborers and a Christmas album ("Merry Mex-Mas") with original and traditional tunes.

Not only is he intelligent and hilarious (traits often curiously lacking in parody artists), but he puts on a helluva show, with multiple costume changes and... Well, in the true spirit of Fat Elvis Glam.

Oh, and "El Vez" literally means, in Spanish of course, "The Time." Yet, thankfully, he's done no interpreting of Maurice Day, to my knowledge...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/7/2006:

There once was a man from Woonsocket

who found himself chubbed in the rocket

while dreaming of "rack

next door," 'waving snack,

and had his way with a Hot Pocket.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/7/2006:

By the way, if anybody from the Hot Pockets marketing team is reading this, contact me to talk advertising options. I'm envisioning a helluva billboard campaign with today's Limerick...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/8/2006:

Dubbed "'Sex and the City'--for men!"

new show "Four Kings" must feature friends

annoying as heck--

and yet to match "Sex"

they'll blather more like...lesbians?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/8/2006:

Ayman al-Zawahri, al-Qaida's media point man, has released another direct-to-video feature claiming that recently approved U.S. troop withdrawals from Iraq are a "victory for Islam."

Is Bush paying this guy?...

U.S. Rep. John Murtha, a widely respected armed forces veteran, cause a heapin' helpin' o' hubbub recently with his remarks critical of the Iraq War.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Peter Pace commented this week on Murtha's words, especially those indicated that Murtha would not enter the service today, by saying, "That's damaging to recruiting."

"Damaging to recruiting." Unlike, oh, the fact that we're waging a losing and hopeless war with a nation that was never a direct threat, all over trumped-up evidence...

Tiger Woods is featured in an American Excess print ad campaign, one that features various celebrities and their hand-written answers to "personal" questions on a reproduced questionnaire.

For "My Life," Woods wrote simply "Hectic."

Po' lil', multi-millionaire, hot-ass-tall-Norweigian-blonde-trophy-wife-bearing celebrity.

Disregard all you may have heard or surmised about Woods' life. You can stop pining for his career and material belongings; turns out his life can only be described in one word, and that word's "hectic"...

Just learned today that one can write-off gambling losses.

But don't get the wrong impression. As with the political-budget-saving vices of tobacco and drunk driving, our government only has your best interests at heart--and it doesn't want us gambling.

Got that? Government wishes we'd all stop smoking and gambling and stuff. What possible reason could their be to mistrust them?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/8/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: All That Remains of Christmas

Long-time Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that the Chief Limericist is a big sap when it comes to Christmas. And that includes regularly suffering a serious case of post-Christmas blahs.

Nonetheless, I have a strict policy regarding "keeping Christmas special," which includes no celebratory activity until the day after Thanksgiving and prompt Christmas tree/decoration removal at the first opportunity, weekend or whatever, following New Year's Eve.

Thus, my tree came down Jan. 2. And speaking of sap, I'm still finding it on my jeans, refrigerator door handles... But I digress.

At the very end of the cleanup, I looked down at the pine needles I was sweeping up, the last little mound to go, and thought, "That's all that remains of Christmas."

Touching, no? Go on, revel in it a while!

Anyway, I took a small sprig of the pine needles for placement on my desk, in order to "keep a little bit of Christmas all year long."

We'll see how that turns out. Speaking, again, of sap...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/8/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: The city in the snow

Snow is a six-second sigh,

so soft as to

make friction unreal.

What physical space

in cloud crystals?

They crave outcroppings,

rails, gates and fences.

But melt lazily along

soft slopes. Too quiet

to make a noise. Too

bright, too.

Brief glances hurt.

To me, snow is kind.

It wants me indoors,

to warm myself by the stove.

It creates drapes of color

peaking

from its folds.

It drips

from your fingers,

dear.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/9/2006:

So Tom Delay, from post's, resigned

due to unintell'gent designs

on lobbyist flexing--

details are perplexing;

just know: He's Bush Team, so... Good sign!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/9/2006:

The latest medical technology will soon bring us sunscreen in ingestible capsule form.

Moving us one step closer to a day when every single person on the face of the earth is a Pharmaceutical Industry customer...

Speaking of health issues, here's a headline from yesterday's news:

"Smoking in Pregnancy Linked to Deformities"

Wow. Shocking. Please, spend billions more researching smoking--maybe, someday, society will start to realize that it may have potential health detriments...

A prominent Liberal Peanut Gallery argument today is that "King Kong" somehow promotes racist thinking.

It seems that... Well, there's societal fears inherent in the idea of a white woman being pursued by an ape, or something, I think, and... Gee, I'm glad people are thinking on these very real issues, so we can avoid a situation where people are actually looking so hard for it that they actually find racism in just about anything...

The headline sums up yesterday's special USA Weekend newspaper supplement:

"Baby Talk: 15 Things You Must Do for Your Infant or Toddler"

Now, here's what we need. New parents taking advantage of advice from a publication generally unfit for ass-wiping.

It's a real mystery, isn't it--why the youngest generations keep coming out more and more "I'm entitled--gimme!"-oriented, impatient, constantly needing to be entertained and living with their parents slacking longer and longer?...

Oh, and here's a letter to some "advice"-giving moron from the above-referenced pub:

"I'm the mother of a 16-year-old girl who wants breast augmentation. She has saved the money needed and seen so many makeover shows that she is more knowledgeable about the procedure than I am. What should I do?"

See the previous, wannabe witty nugget capper...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 1/9/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: XMAS LOBSTER HAIKU

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Yeah, I should've run this a couple weeks earlier but... Use it to stoke the memories, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.]

Red shell, white tail meat,

Inside a green tomalley;

Also, Santa claws

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/10/2006:

Of sunscreen, we can't get our fill

so Pharm Industry's got a pill!

Each man, chick, child: Closer

to regular doser

when they'll have us all by the "ills."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/10/2006:

Bill Alter, Missouri state senator, has introduced a bill banning the sales of cold beer.

It seems that in order to prevent drunk driving, Alter feels that "ready-to-go," cold brewskis encourage drunk driving because people can "pop one on the way home."

It's best to ignore folks like Alter. To begin any rational discussion on this matter will draw his attention to other future contraband, like ice cubes, plastic cups, pizza slices...

Has anybody else noticed that street mooch-sicians have almost completely given up garnering any musical talent and turned to singing along with pre-recorded music?

When is the last time I personally thanked "American Idol" for dragging karaoke from the cultural garbage dump it belongs with, alongside pro "wrestling" and velvet Elvis paintings, and into the Limerlight?...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' CONSUMER REPORT 1/10/2006:

Today's Target--NECA (National Electrical Contractors Association) and IBEW (Illinois Brotherhood of Electrical Workers)

Today's, er, "featured" organizations have seen fit to take out full-page newspaper ads bragging about the fact that they regularly rape the Bill of Rights--anally unlubricated--by drug-testing all employees.

Do not give them any of your business.

Normally, despite all of their problems, we support union causes as a much-needed check upon corporate management's powers.

When the "union" becomes an intercourse of the type referenced above, however...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/11/2006:

Sure, sitting through it would be hard--

three hours in a flick? I'd be scarred!--

those race-baitin' junkies

claim white chick and monkey...

Well, with "Kong" go ape with Race Card.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/11/2006:

A now, some in-depth reporting on today's Limerick talking point:

If people are going to bash "King Kong," the only logical starting point is that THREE-HOUR running time.

Of course, it's hard to have sympathy for the remaining knuckleheads who haven't realized that the DVD and, for the matter, VCR has been invented, yet some sort of human rights violations have occurred when a film traps folks inside a chatterbox-laden theater with ticket and snack prices to make a robber baron proud for that length of time...

Joshua Hochschild was fired from his job as a professor at Wheaton (IL) College because the college is a prominent Protestant institution and Hochschild turned Catholic. Some are alleging discrimination.

I'm alleging that there needs to be MORE discrimination against this pumptumbler--and, for that matter, any of his ilk. Nobody should hire the tool.

I'll give folks slack for following one of those fancy, primitive, mumbo-jumbo, sex-repressed, irrelevant organized religion things if they do so out of tradition and desire for familial acceptance, but to voluntarily go 1600s retro and join the Catholic Church without a nagging mother or grandma threatening eternal damnation since infancy...

While this ol' world often seems hopeless and lonely, realize that there is truly someone for every asshole.

Oh, sure, you may very well die alone--in agony and in a cold, dirty gutter--if you're good, nice, decent and/or right-thinking in any manner. But eventually you'll find that Special Someone, as long as you're stupid, cruel, boneheaded, incompetent, criminal and/or a lawyer, etc., etc., etc...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/11/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: A New Religious Leader Emerges!

That's right! It's our Chief Limericist and his ready-to-do-anything-he-desires cult following dubs him:

The Pierogi Yogi!

And, yes, that's "Grand Pooba and Pierogi Yogi" to you, good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/12/2006:

At one time, street musicians' recitals

at least mostly showed talent unbridled--

they played instruments! Hokey?

Yes, but now... Karaoke?

Thanks a bunch, damned "American Idol"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/12/2006:

Walking down the street yesterday, I saw a sign for a "Flea Resale Shop."

Are you aware of the price of fleas these days?...

On the same walk referenced above, I saw some... I don't know, a "wellness center" or whatever and it boldly proclaimed to offer, among other things, "Performing Arts Medicine."

It's high time we found a cure for that scourge, don't you think?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/12/2006:

> Thanks a bunch for the love. This was a helluva gesture. Be peace

Gee. I was proud of yesterday's edition myself but... I guess the Pierogi Yogi cult may actually work out for me, after all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/13/2006:

Pat Robertson, of Sharon's stroke,

once more claims "God's will" for the bloke.

Kinda wish some nut

would off P-Ro's butt--

to say, "God must have had him smoked."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/13/2006:

It's FRIDAY THE 13TH, AND a near-full moon so... Well, SO???...

Some group of surveyor/studiers called NPD Group has found that the percentage of folks describing the overweight as "unattractive" has dropped from 55 to 24 percent over the last 20 years.

However... Well, even surveyor/studiers need to pay rent and feed their families, I suppose, so let's just humor them and overlook the fact that the overweight segment of our society has curiously grown at least that 31 percent over the same period...

The other day, feeling the intense urge to relieve myself, I told a pal, "I've gotta leak like Karl Rove"...

A Chicago suburb is considering banning outright the sales of cigarettes.

I guess you'd call this a form of "Prohibition Reenactment." But at least the Civil War buffs realize and admit they're repeating history...

On the heels of Chicago's 2006 secondhand smoke crackdown, prominent Health Taliban alderman Ed Burke is now proposing that Windy City restaurants be inspected and given "cleanliness scores."

Again, folks: When I coined the term "Big Mother" to describe recent government anti-smoking, etc. efforts, I was kidding. Really. KIDDING. So knock it off before five servings of fruits and vegetables a day are legislated...

I am an expert in the martial arts.

Whoops. Typo. I am, however, an expert in the "marital arts"...

Daily Limerick may not have a place in the annals of history, but it has most certainly secured a spot in the anals of history...

Recently, a female cohort expressed shock when I indicated that I was afraid of women.

"Men are far more dangerous than women!" she said.

I am confused over her assertion. I mean, men can beat me and perhaps kill me easier, but they can't come close to the pain a woman might inflict on me...

Despite the above nugget, there is hope in my life.

Yesterday, I was leaving a building with a stack of newspapers, disturbing the egress of a young lady. Thus, the lady commented, "'Scuse me, ya' fucking asshole."

Wow. It's not every day a woman who's a complete stranger tells you you're the type of guy she could really fall for!...

 

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 1/13/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Just listening

Many moons ago, I took a music appreciation course and took to heart the professor's assertion that music--like films or performance--is ideally meant to be listened to with full attention. Sure, it can function as background fare on occasion but... Well, it should stand-up as a self-contained entertainment form first and foremost.

Thought I'd pass along that wisdom to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. And careful disbursing it to others. An entire industry could crumble if taken to heart by too many...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/13/2006:

> Cool beans my friend... Thanks!

> jim

> ps

>

> I know some folks who went to the show the other night (Empty Bottle). They dug

> it!

You all know jim, don't ya'?

Oh, jim, AKA The Wandering Endorphin, is checking  in regarding his link to Daily Limerick's "Sloop's Glantamerous Links."

Everybody's doing it.

That rule about everybody doing it only applies to bridge-jumping.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/14/2006:

A girl whose spec lenses were glacial

left them home, hit mall quite palatial--

sought the "Salon" door;

hit comic book store

and freaked after ord'ring the "facial."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/14/2006:

Family of the late Jerry Colaitis is suing a Mineola, NY Japanese steakhouse alleging that a shrimp thrown by a hibachi chef resulted in neck problems eventually leading to Colaitis' death.

You know what this means, don't you? We officially have more evidence of "secondhand shrimp" dangers than of "secondhand smoke"!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/15/2006:

When too much into coffee you've dove--

beer or some tangled liquids web wove--

and you're near bursting bladder

there's new phrase for the matter:

Just say, "I've gotta leak like Karl Rove!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/15/2006:

Despite extra safety/security measures taken this year, 344 Muslim faithful were killed in a stampede in Mecca for the "Stoning of the Devil" event of the Hajj religious observance Thursday.

Some will take this as evidence of Islam being a backward religion.

However, Muslims need this annual Hajj ritual, lacking the Western "Christmas sale" justification for a dangerous stampede...

 

Read a reference yesterday for the first time to "treating the homeless."

So, homelessness is now also a "disease"?

Thus, as soon as someone figures out a way to pay for it, the multi-zillion dollar 12-step "treatment" industry will be all over this...

Speaking of terms in the news, read also yesterday my first experienced reference to an "al-Qaida personality."

"This is Osama's Wacky Zoo--comin' at cha', mornings"...

 

I usually don't read crime or tragedy stories other than headlines and perhaps a scan, but for some reason, when I saw the Metro Brief headline, "Drug Suspect Shot by Police" in my Chicago Sun-Times yesterday, I thought I'd check: He was at least doing something dangerous or carrying a weapon, right?

Turns out, the cops had received a "tip about a red van either delivering or picking up drugs in the area." And, "police said it was when they attempted to question the man that he tried to drive away" and was, thus, shot.

I think most would agree that police should only harm an individual if someone's life could otherwise be in danger. That is, if the guy stole a hot pocket from a convenience store or something, firing a shot would be a little excessive.

In this case, the suspect was looking to unwind and feel a little pleasure, or he was at least engaged in helping others to do so (albeit illegally).

The fuzz decided that was good cause to take action that could likely end his life.

It's a shame that I end up ignoring these stories. But there's nothing really "special" about this one. This type of thing happens countless times per day, in cities across the nation and even world. There is rarely outrage; in fact, most folks probably ignore such stories.

Talibans, you see, are in the eye of the beholder...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/15/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

 

TODAY'S EDITION: Rape for Kicks

About two weeks ago, hubbub ensued when the University of Wisconsin-Madison's newspaper, the Post, published a photo feature documenting a "rape fantasy" of its editor.

(Yeah, yeah. Not super-timely, but, admit it, your probably missed the story anyway. Munchclumper.)

You may want to unleash your own hubbub, so take a moment to do just that.

Ready to continue? Okay, here's some more information on the story: The Post's editor's name is Sara DeKeuster.

Yep. She's a woman.

Now, you may be wanting to take back some of the hubbub you just let loose--at least until you pick your jaw off the floor and think on this a bit more. The phenomenon behind this still whacks me off guard a bit, but I'll admit that I had a previous opportunity to steel myself for it.

Years back, a "how to be a writer"-type book I'd read recommended reading genre fiction that you normally wouldn't be attracted to, to see what it did right and what it did wrong and learn from it. For instance, sci-fi was singled out as being good at explaining difficult concepts, romance for good love scenes, Westerns for action description, etc.

I thus ended up reading a book by romance queen, or at least semi-queen, Jude Devereaux. Within this book was a scene, from the point of view of a female narrator, wherein she was... Well, basically raped, although it was described more like a ravishing. And the heroine was attracted to the guy, so I guess that was supposed to make the scene romantic.

I was horrified but, in the end, not entirely surprised. It seems that every time I think I've come a step closer to understanding women, something like that pops up and reminds me what a wahoo I really am.

Realize, of course, that the idea here is much like that of sexual harassment--in the way that offending behavior might very well become A-OK if the woman is attracted to the guy behind the behavior. But in the absence of mind-reading ability, this should have zero effect on our behavior as males, practically speaking.

So Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers: Leave DeKeuster alone...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/15/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The kiss that devoured us

 

I was drunk and

she was drunk, and

we got to kissing.

A fragile way to start:

I asked her what she had in her mouth,

her response was action -- a deluge

of booze into my mouth from hers. I took

her affection, stunned. Then she glided

out of the room.

 

The next morning she had forgotten,

but made asides to those tangled bells --

she knew. I said yes,

it actually happened. She screamed.

So I passed it off

as my damaged sense of humor.

She quickly agreed.

 

But already, the timing wires and the poison

were set out at the table. Ghosts were

leaning against my kitchen wall,

counting down with ghostly fingers

the flimsy spectacle

of collapsing doorframes.

 

A crackling came slowly, over months,

all too suddenly, at once.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/16/2006:

Hajj brings 'nother deadly stampede.

"That Islam's just nuts," some concede.

But we've own mob madness

fueled by Christmas ad blitz--

one's just "Faith"; one's Cap'talist Greed.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/16/2006:

Happy King Day, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!...

Yesterday's edition of the syndicated Sunday newspaper section USA Weekend features a "Science" section that... Well, I suppose its headline speaks for itself:

"With the Discovery of a New 'Planet' in our Solar System, Some People May Wonder: Will This Affect My Horoscope?"

Now, this type of thing, well...er... It threatens to put humorists like myself out of "work," managing to be serious while accidentally making fun of itself at the same time.

Of all the things you can say about the unworthy-of-wrapping-fish USA Weekend, you can accuse them of not knowing their market...

Speaking of Sunday newspaper supplements, the flyer in my local Chicago Sun-Times has went from advertising the "Cubs Christmas Village" to instead shilling the "White Sox Christmas Village."

I can't imagine why...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 1/16/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Academic Festival Haiku

Brahms got a degree

Music based on drinking songs

This is a thesis?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/17/2006:

Fin'lly checked out "Today's Top Model,"

hoping it'd juice up my Love Throttle

but soon was near snoring--

"real" TV made boring

a cast near-completely hot twaddle!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/17/2006:

Yesterday, of course, was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. And while I didn't grow-up with it as a recognized school holiday, I know what it's all about.

Those who don't, however, should look into King a bit-otherwise, they may think it solely exists to honor car sales...

Thinking of it now, it kinda amazing that this country DOESN'T have some sort of holiday honoring the Auto Industry...

Read a missive yesterday in a "women's stuff" column lamenting the fact that more and more hospitals are forbidding the practice of filming a woman's labor and baby delivery.

There are reasons for this ban, mainly involving lawsuits, which is slimy but... Isn't the whole thing slimy? I mean, LITERALLY? Who the hell wants to watch such a thing? It's not like parents will have any shortage of video footage, what with the tape of "Baby's First Sneeze" and "Toddler's First Left Nostril Picking" destined toward dust gathering along with the rest of the "Closet o' Kid Videos."

I already know well that many would argue with me on this, spouting bunk like, "but it's a NATURAL process"!

So is taking a crap but, other than Internet perverts, there isn't much of a trend videotaping that, now, is there?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/18/2006:

Surprise, surprise! There's a new study:

Smoking's dan'rous somehow--seems nutty.

Please, spend billions more

to find, we implore

its health risks--details are so muddy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/18/2006:

Headline from the Chicago Tribune's "Day Watch" e-mail run-down edition:

"King Day a Holiday not Dominated by Shopping"

Wow. Now I guess I gotta figure out what hallucinogenic drugs I accidentally ingested, seeing as I swear I saw at least three different "King Day Auto Sale" TV commercials, not to mention the newspaper ads, and the furniture sales, and the...

The American Cancer Society, teaming-up with a bunch of other Big Mother-leaning organizations, has taken out full-page ads in Chicago newspapers celebrating the recent passage of smoking-restrictive legislation.

Those ads must cost... Anyway, it's unimportant. We should be partying! I don't know how I missed the news concerning this new cancer cure-all drug that's been invented! I can't imagine why else zillions would be wasted on these celebratory ads, not to mention the whole scientifically shaky ad campaign to begin with...

Every year, Men's Health magazine puts out a list of the least healthy cities in the U.S.

This year, Chicago took the honors. And now the city is actually wasting money on a Health Czar over the whole bucket o' bunk.

That's a lot of power, and a whole bunch of free publicity, for a niche marketing magazine. Pfft. Men's Health. It's one thing to accept and even celebrate a minority. Quite another to bend over backwards for a predominantly gay readership...

The other day, I was perturbed over the latest reminder that "American Idol" is somehow still on the air.

Curious, I looked into the matter, finding that the show actually is on its fifth season.

Which means there were actually TWO horrifying terrorist attacks upon America in 2001...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/18/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: NEXT FOOD: What's All This Talk of 'Pie-in-the-Sky' Dreams?

What good would they be, anyway? Me? I'm prone to "pie-on-a-plate" dreams.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/18/2006:

Here's a reply to an S&Y about a, well... You can read it if you like, in the 'chives, in the Jan. 12 edition.

Yeah. The Jan. 12 edition.

Yeah. It's Jan. 18.

Anyway:

> Ha ha ha ha!

I suppose it takes a while to "get" a gag like that.

But I'm used to it. As the Thinking Man's Limericist and all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/19/2006:

Concerns of the world, Iran flouts

with nuke program (weapons, no doubt).

We cry "U.N. sanctions--

stop--or up we will crank them!"

Why not just give them a "time out"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/19/2006:

Happy Edgar Allan Poe's Birthday! Go out and...marry a 14-year-old niece or something...

From an Associated Press story about the adverse effects of breathing the polluted air around Ground Zero in New York, as it seems some are already claim demonstrable harm:

“Doctors running health screening programs say it will take decades to get a clear picture of the long-term health effects of working at Ground Zero.”

Wow. So visible dirt in the air cannot be scientifically proven harmful as quickly as “secondhand smoke,” which arose as a proven danger and swept the world in less than 10 years.

Hey--it's only wrong if CONSERVATIVES are cracking down on civil rights needlessly…

A two-year-old received a jury summons in Bedford, Mass. this week.

Given what we know about juries, could it really hurt?…

Teaser headline referring to American Idol folk:

“Since She’s Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson’s Irritating Simon”

Oh, boo-hoo Simon. But kudos on the irritability stamina--she’s been irritating the rest of us since before that…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/20/2006:

Org "Smoke Free Chicago" did stir

up smoke-free laws--and did demur

much cash from research

for full-page ad lurch.

Did not know they'd found cancer cure!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/20/2006:

Just found out that Nicollette Sheridan, a hottie of sorts, is dating Michael Bolton.

This, of course, as the International Hot Tail crisis of Cameron Diaz boinkin' Justin Timberlake is no closer to resolution.

As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, S&Y has been active in reporting Hot Tail crises as, although nobody in this office is expecting to have any real shot at Ms. Diaz anytime soon, for the good of all Mankind, she shouldn't be in the hands of an annoying (not to mention washed-up) boy-band singer.

We're not sure if the Sheridan/Bolton thing is more or less alarming than the Diaz/Timerlake thing. Certainly, Diaz is more boinkable. And it's up for grabs as to whether Timberlake or Bolton is more annoying. However, the crisis remains:

Our hottest tail. Our biggest schlubs.

Aha! In addition to evidence--increasingly apathetic public, only the stupid seemingly reproducing, etc.--we now have some explanation behind S&Y's theory that humanity is beyond evolving...and now de-evolving...

In a Wednesday basketball game between the Chicago Bulls and the NY Knicks, yet another player-rushing-into-stands-after-insane-fan-incident went down.

I guess, now that the fuck-the-fans-we-want-a-zillion-teams-in-the-playoff$ NHL has (hopefully) got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, some pro sport is gonna have to pick up the goon slack...

With legislation sweeping the nation to ban smoking everywhere, and letters to the editor now complaining about crap like secondhand cologne and perfume inhalation, and becoming offended still the True National Past-time, it's time to re-suggest S&Y's method of dealing with this:

The Personal Plastic Bubble.

Invent one, craft one yourself and, most importantly, shut up and mind your own business...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 1/20/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hump Night Thumpers

The Hump Night Thumpers are a sprawling jug band. Washboards, tin can drums--the whole spiel. And, really, it's virtually impossible, at least for us at DL, to NOT adore an act that utilizes kazoo. Which reminds us--check out "Corporal Klegg" on Pink Floyd's "Saucerful of Secrets" for more kazoo, er, mastery.

And they're looking for new members, if you're interested (see "Sloop's Glantamerous Links" on the site).

I'd go on, and on, and on... But they're a JUG BAND for chrissakes. If that needs describing to you, well, go back to reading USA Weekend.

And a mighty good jug band, at that, by the way. And with a range in age from... Oh, I don't know. Youngish to grayish. Delightful!

And speaking of digressions, our Chief Limericist once had jug band dreams but... You can wait for the upcoming edition of Sunday Story Time on that.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/21/2006:

A man, caught in blast in Iraq,

found his scrotum lost in attack.

Rebuilt 'tween his thighs

all computerized--

plays music, and more, his iSack.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/21/2006:

So Jenna Elfman's back on TV with "Courting Alex," which tingles my bingle, but her character's profession is (brace yourself for the shock):

A lawyer.

Lawyers, as you know, are ridiculously underrepresented on TV these days.

In any event, I was hoping she'd portray something a little more sympathetic, like, oh, I don't know, perhaps a telemarketer or a full-time e-mail spammer or a suicide bomber...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/22/2006:

No-smoking laws daily do double;

speak your mind, and you get in trouble.

Bein' 'noyed or offended's

new pastime--invent this

someone: Personal Plastic Bubble!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/22/2006:

Osama bin Laden's latest direct-to-video project actually asks the U.S. for an "apology" to the victims of our recent wars.

So the Great Pussification of Society now extends even to terrorists...

By the way, with the alleged, zero tolerance for sources of terrorist funding, wouldn't you think somebody in power would finally seriously suggest making drugs illegal?

Think about that, next 9-11...

Saw a news story Friday about Jesse Jackson taking the stand in a court proceeding against him.

It seems the Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson, of the mostly black and "conservative" Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny, is accusing Jesse of fomenting violence against him.

So Jesse's now taking the stand...and I read nothing of this until NOW?

You don't think our predominantly white, liberal-guilt-infused, Mainstream Media is using kid gloves on Jesse, do you?

Or do they just forward those wire stories to Fox News?...

More news on the New York Knicks' Antonio Davis charging into the stands after a fan at a Chicago Bulls-Knicks game this week:

Davis, if you haven't learned, claims he was defending his wife Kendra, who was being allegedly harassed by fan David Axelrod.

Headline in Friday's Chicago Sun-Times:

"Bulls Fan: Player's Wife Poked Me"

Poked him.

"Waa-waa, she POKED me!"

Wow. The NBA is more like a gradeschool playground than even WE'd thought...

By the way, Axelrod is the son of a political consultant.

So it should go without say that, of course, he suing...

I suppose most Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have heard about the latest blurring of the lines between fiction and nonfiction, as it concerns James Frey's allegedly "tell all" book on his drug and alcohol problems and experiences with our deeply flawed "treatment" industry, "A Million Little Pieces."

Here's Frey's biggest sin, in S&Y's opinion:

We were holding him to a higher standard because FINALLY, somebody, at least in a mainstream venue, piped up about the ridiculous, bad-behavior-is-a-"disease," everybody's-a-victim-as-long-as-we-can-profit-from-them-although-these-programs-show-little-evidence-of-any-success "Treatment" Industry.

And he made stuff up to make himself look cooler.

Not to worry. They're surely have a 12-Step cult...er, program for errant journalists any time now...

Why, oh why, is Connie Chung still working? Nobody recalls the Gingrich mom thing anymore?

Really. Why? And on network TV, of all places, when I'd hope fast food would even think twice...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' AWARD 1/22/2006:

Today's Honoree: Debra Pickett.

Ms. Pickett, a Sun-Times columnist, refers to her long-ago answering of a personals ad as an "ill-fated" decision in her Friday, Jan. 20 column. What's more, she laments the fate of folks out there consulting personals ad in the present.

We at S&Y have noted a trend toward acceptance of the phenomenon of personal ads, online dating and all similar forms--a method of courtship previously viewed as "desperate" and "pathetic."

Yes, history has many instances of society being harsh on certain segments of society.

But in this case, Ms. Pickett, your efforts are applauded.

Sometimes we hail society's evolution as kinder and gentler. Sometimes, we long for the old school.

And as long as we're spouting cliches,: If it ain't broke, don't fix it--and "desperate" and "pathetic" to describe personal ad perusing sure as hell ain't "broke"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/22/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Jug Band Dreams

Friday's "Entertain Me" section featured the Hump Night Thumpers, a jug band.

Causing DL/S&Y to wax nostalgic about my days pining for jug band, um, "fame," or whatever.

It was junior high. Which I suppose explains a lot. But I tried putting together a jug band among my friends and had, get this, no takers.

Not a one.

Not even Larry Gibson, who fancied himself a lovable country bumpkin.

(Sigh.)

I'll be okay. I'll settle for playing someone's washboard abs to stem my tears, for now...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/22/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Memory's mess

 

Trodding on the faces of ghosts.

Kicking their noses in.

Gouging out their eyes.

Ghosts don't bleed, but

when attacked, liquid

does well into the recesses

of light and hope and when.

In which they wish they lived.

 

It's a child's chorus.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/22/2006:

Here's a reply to our Friday "Entertain Me!" spotlight on the Hump Night Thumpers:

> Hi Sloop,

>

> Thanks, man! That's a great mini-review. I've always enjoyed the age range

> in the group, but you're the first person to mention it, and in such a

> clever way.

>

> We've just posted our first demo, if you hadn't noticed.

>

> And we just found out that we're going to Minneapolis next month to compete

> in the 24th Annual Battle of the Jug Bands. Wish us luck!

>

> Cheers,

> -Arlo Leach

> "Rocket-fueled folk music"

Guess you could call this our "Special Jug Band Edition."

And... A Battle of the Jug Bands? (Gulp.)

Be still my aching...washtub bass?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/23/2006:

The NBA's beggin' for mock'ry--

ONCE play'rs rushing stands was bit shock-y.

Gooned-up? May as well--

replace NHL

and fill void from death of pro hockey!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/23/2006:

Saw an ad flyer yesterday with the first noted in '06 advertisement of Easter candy on sale.

Easter.

Prompting this public service reminder: It's not too early to start making those Fourth of July plans...

Speaking of marketing malfeasance, and we don't know why this is just occurring to us now, but we have some background from a seemingly reliable source about Jared (SIC?), that boring lummox of a Subway shill.

I knew two guys who went to college with him in Indiana, and they claim that he only started eating at Subway every day because he lived right next to one and, as you can probably tell, he's a lazy lug.

Slappin' and Yappin': Bringing you the investigations nobody else will. Perhaps because they aren't too important, true, but nonetheless...

Yesterday, S&Y prattled a bit about James Frey and his "reality" TV-esque interpretations of nonfiction, pointing out that his major crime was pulling this crap after becoming an all-important, rare point man challenging the sheer ridiculosity of our drug/alcohol "treatment" industry.

Thinking about it a little later, another, albeit minor, crime of his occurred to us:

He wasn't harsh enough on the 12-Step Cult.

However, his book is still at No. 1 on the New York Times list, so I guess there's no point in cheering the end of our "reward for screwing up" celebrity culture just yet...

Advil Lasagna, or whatever that chick's name is... You know, with the "Sk8r Boy" song and all--the one who earned a "punk" reputation with Hillary Duff-esque music?... Well, now she's spouting off about finding "femininity" and is appearing in those glossy magazines wearing designer dresses and stuff.

Bring the superficial music, the wardrobe will follow...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 1/23/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Russian Tale Haiku

Peter and the Wolf

By Prokofiev, composed;

By Disney, destroyed!

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/24/2006:

Our modern, candy-assed psychology

even affects terrorist--golly, gee!

E'en Evil Osama's

new video drama's

demanding a freakin' apology!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/24/2006:

Dove, the company that last year engaged in a campaign of advertising pollution by assaulting us with half-naked images of women who...well, aren't pleasant to look at naked, is planning a commercial attack during the Super Bowl.

As with any commercials, good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should be off making sandwiches and relieving themselves during commercials, Super Bowl or not. But for those instances where you already have a sandwich, do not have to use the facilities and have no conversation to make during the break in action provided by commercials... Well, fair-warning: Be ready at moment's notice to avert your eyes...

Speaking of the Super Bowl, I'm sick of reading all these sports pundits moanin' about a Pittsburgh-Seattle being "boring."

Poor bastards.

Sure is hell to have to watch a "boring" Super Bowl, compared to the loads of fun the rest of us must experience for our jobs...

We at DL/S&Y don't focus too much on run-of-the-mill crime stories in the news.

But in noting a story about a Madison, Wis. "hate crime," specifically the word "felony" in a subhead, we decided to delve a bit deeper.

We tend to think that the idea of "hate crime" legislation mostly serves to make politicians look good on the surface (the only way they really can look good, most of the time). Oh, we know, we know--most murders are acts of love, of course, unless they are committed against minorities, but still.

In this case, grounds for the felony--other than the legislatively mandated ones due to the "hate crime" nature--are:

Vandalizing a residence hall billboard at the University of Wisconsin.

No--billboards haven't been designated minority status. The billboard itself contained info on the schools' gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered student group.

The felony status means the four offenders are more likely to do prison time. Because, of course, what better place to learn racial tolerance than prison?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/25/2006:

Though Cam'ron Diaz is far fairer, Nic-

ollette Sheridan joins Big Error List

'mong Primo Tail dating

with screeching and grating

Mike Bolton--a cultural terrorist.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/25/2006:

From a public bus ad, courtesy of the City of Chicago:

"After you cough or sneeze... Clean Your Hands"

And so we have a preview of the next legislative push for the Big Mother movement, now that "secondhand smoke"-protective legislation has went so swimmingly...

And we'll remind you that many laughed when the Chief Limericist predicted the assault on Big Fast Food as the "cause" of obesity, too...

Now we, too, believe that prisons are pretty lousy at the business of rehabilitating people, pretty much screwing them up even more and sending them back into society and we, too, believe that our prisons contain far too many drug "offenders" but... Ahem.

On the heels of a Vermont case involving a child molester being sent to prison for a mere 60 days--which, by the way, Bill O'Reilly has been sounding off about (sorry, folks who think people fall into convenient, "Lord of the Rings"-esque "Pure Good" and "Pure Evil" subsets), we just have to ask:

What about the prison system's role as PROTECTOR?

Prominent liberal knuckleheads are supporting the 60-day verdict, arguing that "prison doesn't rehabilitate people well anyway."

But the rehabilitation idea assumes that... Well, why the hell should we even let pedophiles OUT of prison?

Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

Which'll get you more than 90 days.

Which, of course, is where much of this problem stems from...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 1/25/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: An example of "looking on the bright side" from my thought processes:

"Damn. I only have one Hot Pocket left... Then again, it IS a ham and cheeze..."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/26/2006:

Sports pundits are fond of imploring

that this Super Bowl will be "boring."

Those columns--tear jerkers?

Hey, rest of us workers

wish such on-clock gigs we'd be scoring.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/26/2006:

Continuing our Accidental Semi-in-Depth Series on Crime and Punishment in America:

The City of Chicago has announced a new policy whereby they are open to the hiring of ex-cons!

We almost gave a DAILY LIMERICK AWARD for this, as our first reaction was picturing all the drug offenders, whom never should have been arrested to begin with, turning back to lives of crime upon prison release because nobody will hire them for a straight job.

But knowing the City of Chicago--and a lot of the recent news stories have gone national, so Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers do, too--this may be a scheme to re-hire politicians and the politically connected about to be implicated, upon their eventual release, so we'll hold off and see how this plays out...

The city of Strasbourg, France has banned the free distribution of pork soup because some extreme right groups are allegedly doling it out to the homeless as a way of helping only non-Muslims.

So for those who enjoy pork (and who can blame 'em?, it being ironically enough God's Chosen Meat--S&Y has Pat Robertson beat with the Line on God): No Pork Soup allowed!

Living, as we do, in a modern world where people are often rewarded for leaping before they look, looking gift horses through the mouth and down to the tonsils and even not knowing enough to come in out of the rain (especially with lawyer backing), I suppose it's not too surprising that beggars now can, quite literally, be choosers...

And now for an exciting new feature...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN‚ AND YAPPIN‚ ANSWERS (PART OF) A NEWSPAPER Q&A 1/26/2006:

This question concerns the new Macs, which are set to include Intel chips:

Q: Can I run the new Windows XP on these new Macs?

 

A: The technical answer is...yes. But the practical answer is...

S&Y's A: Why the hell would you shell out extra for a Mac only to use more-bugs-than-a-picnic-in-July Windows?...

***

 

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN‚ AND YAPPIN‚ CONSUMER REPORT 1/26/2006:

Today's Corporate Satan: Yahoo!

The U.S Government asked Yahoo! and Google to turn over records of any and all Internet searches conducted recently over a period through their services.

Google is fighting it.

Yahoo! bent over and lubed up. Or, more appropriately, bent over and lubed up its users.

'Nuff said.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/27/2006:

With Internet searches as clues

our Gov. seeks to track me and you.

Google said, "Not cool";

Yahoo! plays their tool--

so lube up, folks, if you Yahoo!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/27/2006:

The first "Survivor" winner, Richard Hatch, has been convicted of tax mischief and could face up to 13 years in the clink.

Now THERE'S an idea for a "Survivor" I might actually tune-in...

So Michael Jackson is parading around Bahrain in women's clothing.

Sorry, Mike. We're shock proof concerning you at this point...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 1/27/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jaik Willis

I'd gleefully link Jaik Willis in the SLOOP'S GLANTAMEROUS LINKS section of the site, 'cept for the little detail of him not having a Web site.

In fact, when I've seen him play, he hasn't had any CDs with him, due to the little detail of him not having CDs. At least not of his own work. He makes a hobby of giving out DVDs of the performances of musicians he admires--rare ones, to boot--but, and perhaps you see this comin'--he has no DVDs of his own.

Jaik is the traveling minstrel type, so Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers nationwide (and, for all I know, worldwide) may have opportunities to catch him. Luckily for us at DL/S&Y, here in our, ahem, giant office towers in Chicago, he appears to make the Windy City a semi-base, of sorts.

I suppose you'd call his stuff folky rock--and high quality folky rock, at that. He has a yodeling/wailing/howling quality to his singing, multi-octave, pleasant and near-impossible to duplicate.

And he performs a song urging folks to "Shoot Bush."

Yup. THAT Bush. So keep an eye on him if you do catch his act and perhaps you'll save him from being hauled to Guantanamo.

Oh, and he has a long, thick, ZZ-Top-esque beard.

Not sure how important that is but, at least us at the ENTERTAIN ME! er, department, it's part of why he sticks out from the hundreds of musicians and bands seen over the course of the section. A small part but, hey, we'd feel a little disconcerted if he shaved it.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/27/2006:

> Hey Sloop,

>

> Good to see you again last week. Any interest in doing a link exchange,

> http://www.runlogan.com?

>

> Lemme know and if so I'll get you up there quick-like.

>

> Thanks,

>

> -John

> Run Logan

Okay--hot link for a smoky link. I prefer a little onion and generous on the sport peppers. Whatever you do, no ketchup.

Okay, you can stop laughing now.

Ahem.

Okay, you can START laughing now.

Anyway, Run Logan is a hot, yet still underground, Chicago band--so most readers can nonetheless check them out on the Web without having to visit the Chief Limericist in Chicago.

Please don't show up to visit the Chief Limericist in Chicago. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers frighten me. At the same time they delight me.

Can you believe the clamor for linkage with lil' ol' Daily Limerick?

One request can, by the way, a clamor be.

Oh, see the damn LINKS, screwtoads.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/28/2006:

A country boy read "Guns & Ammo";

cleaned gun and snacked, then dropped his camo.

Goofed, swallowed a bullet;

and when he did pull-it

he shot the dog when cock went "blammo!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/28/2006:

Here's a little tale for which its placement proved confusing. I thought it could fit Friday's "ENTERTAIN ME" section, or perhaps a SUNDAY STORY TIME but, in the end, I decided it best fit a Cheezy Saturday:

I woke up on Friday with the old Boston song "More than a Feeling" in my head.

Actually, it was much more than the typical "in my head." I was singing it aloud--and, I might add, impressively on-key. Getting a bit misty over it, too.

It was then I recalled that Jan. 27 was my anniversary. Well, the anniversary of my divorce. And it proved a great way to kick in the a celebration!

Oh, perhaps that was insensitive. I know, I know--should have sent her a card...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/28/2006:

> Great. I'll have you up on ours by the time our next email goes out to people,

> which is Sunday night. Thanks.

>

> -j

Nothing like a Cheezy Saturday Edition for a LETTER TO THE IDIOT so in-joke that non-Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can't even follow it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/29/2006:

Rich Hatch tried to be career thriver

off winning TV's first "Survivor"

but now faces prison

so what has arisen

is season theme I'd watch--no jiver.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/29/2006:

We at DL/S&Y feel almost obligated to say something about Hamas winning the Palestinian elections.

But, as we try to hit angles that other sources have not already hit to death, we've been at a loss.

We will note, however, how amazing it is that, every step of the way, the "Peace Process" proves itself the ultimate in Orwellian doublespeak euphemism...

A Harvard Business Review story reaches the conclusion that people go further in their jobs on likeability than on competence.

Which confirms S&Y's contention that most people are incompetent at whatever it is they do. How's that for Chicken Soup for the Soul?

From exterminators hired to fix my Great Bedbug Infestation of 2004-05 to the recent chimneysweep feeding me nonsense in the form of "fire-making tips" (I've been around fireplaces my whole life) to lawyers I've worked for as a temp... We must face the fact that most people, quite frankly, professionally suck.

Which would seemingly lead us to believe that even those who do professionally suck, LITERALLY, also professionally suck, er, metaphorically, or whatever, but that's saying a mouthful...er, that kinda blows, um...oh, enough of this already...

Rep. Mark Kirk (R-Ill.) called a news conference at the Chicago Children's Museum demanding that Congress authorize the Food and Drug Administration to crack down on tobacco marketing toward children.

Innovative thinker, that Kirk. It's about time the government went after them, that damn Big Tobacco, just cruising along with nobody bothering it or saying a word about smoking's danger and stuff...

There is a disorder, caused by excessive alcohol ingestion, known as chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or more commonly, "punch-drunk syndrome."

And we can't imagine why the public isn't taking the threat more seriously...

Amusement tip:

Follow Richard Roeper, of Roger Ebert sidekick fame, to see why he's the Cary Nation for a New Millennium...

Is that South Beach Diet still popular?

Just checking. I myself have been on the South Park Diet for some time...

I recently found out that my father's been poking around on the 'Net enough to have checked out my Web site.

Then, I started wondering if my own dad thinks I'm a nutjob.

Which led me to the conclusion:

While I, the Chief Limericist, may in fact be a bit nutty, I keep well up on the news, and my opinions, however crack-potty one deems them, are nothing if not well researched.

Therefore: I am the Thinking Man's Nutjob...

Noticed something yesterday:

Whenever I speak to my nephews (six and four-years-old), I speak in an over-annunciated, Charlie Brown voice.

Not entirely sure why.

Any grief over this, however, is good.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 1/29/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Study Hall Doodles

I still have the yellowed, lined, three-ring binder-ready pages I doodled upon in junior high and high school, chiefly in study hall.

Believe it of not, many comrades borrowed them from me, from time to time, and they served, to us, as an unofficial, more realistic yearbook, spotlighting the people and events we'd remember more than homecoming courts and such.

There's Larry Gibson, with speech balloons spouting his wild tales. There's Carl, blathering about how thought "An Officer and a Gentleman" deserved points for Debra Winger's boob-shot but really should have "showed some pussy." There's... Hmm.

This is kinda "insider" for Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers to follow, isn't it?

Then again, if it were about Brad Pitt's study hall doodles, it'd be front-page, supermarket check-out material...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 1/29/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: New ways to yawn and stretch

 

The two well-scrubbed stars spoke

their lines, about safety and

comfort, and I realized for

the first time that love

exerts a universal pull -- people

on this high feel pretty

much the same. I

could do my best to make it seem

unique, and parts of our experience

are unique, but love is not mostly a

teen-age rock song full of midnight blacks

and desperate whites. And I'm okay

with that. Drama and mystery

pale beside stability

and closeness. Perhaps I'm

sinking into irrelevance

already at 29. I know I must be

boring, to want these things. But

let's be boring together. We can

discover new ways to yawn and

stretch, in a long bed full of sun.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 1/29/2006:

> Did you know that Digable Cat put a link to your blog about them on their

> homepage FYI.

>

> http://www.digablecat.com/Home.htm

No, didn't know that.

But, oddly enough, now we do.

Hmmm. Digable Cat's singer.... Ahem.

Gee. DL/S&Y's all over the 'Net like... Well, like Hillary Duff heads badly Photoshoped onto porn images!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/30/2006:

The Palestinian elections

on "Peace Process" cast strange reflection.

Now "Peace" equals "War"--

but Orwell implored

us shun, not embrace, this direction!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/30/2006:

A little-cited survey last week found that 53 percent of respondents would support military action against Iran, when they...er, if  they certifiably begins producing nuclear weapons.

Wow! We used to just be content repeating the mistakes of the DISTANT past...

Oh, and I suppose we'll send the U.S. Post Office to do the job, at this point, huh?...

And has anybody else noticed that, despite the fact that we likely could have prevented 9-11 under our current espionage regulations, absent FBI-CIA-government bumbling, Bush insists we need to bypass those current regulations so as to greater facilitate further bumbling?...

Overheard on yesterday's "Sunday Morning":

"...she is in good health, taking just a handful of prescription drugs..."

And we're spending billions of dollars to combat WHICH "drug problem" again?...

Sunday headline:

"IOC to Step Up Drug Testing"

[The IOC, of course, being the International Olympic Committee.]

About time. It's  not like it's become a witch hunt or anything, with athletes now disqualified over oral evidence or anything...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" MONDAY "OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 1/30/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Mathematical Haiku

Number theory

Counting to infinity

Sex comes after five

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 1/31/2006:

With diet scam profits, I'll ply it--

my own system! Might as well buy it.

Willpower's passe;

you'll fail anyway

so chow down on my South Park Diet.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 1/31/2006:

Headline--

"British Official: Iran Likely Developing Nuclear Arms"

Thanks, British Official! We look to our elected servants to make the truly tough assessments...

By the way, you do know that Israel's gonna bomb the crap out of Iran any time now, don't you?...

Man, I've been feeling like crap lately.

Stuffed-up, feverish. Should probably see a doctor if this keeps up.

Then again, I ain't one of those rich folks who can afford stuff like yachts, trophy wives, sportscars and healthcare...

So Black History Month starts tomorrow and people's lives will be different...how, exactly?

Well, companies like Target have been advertising all this week with the luxury of pretending they're doing so out of social conscience!

And isn't that what folks like Martin Luther King, Jr. were really fighting for?...

Here's another way, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that the Moron Majority screws even the most level-headed of us:

DL/S&Y has noted, for some time, that the Civil Rights Movement's opening up of the career scene to women has actually served to ensure that most families have no choice but to have two incomes. And again, blah blah blah, this doesn't mean that we're against the women's movement, au contrair, yadda yadda yadda.

Now, in a similar way, Big Credit Card has screwed us all, anally and unlubricated of course, because the prices set by realtors, Big Auto, etc., etc., now assumes that our income includes a few max-outs.

Have a nice day.

Just doing our part. Because we at DL/S&Y know that what this world needs more than anything is more disdain for our fellow man...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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