Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

COUNTDOWN: 11 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2006:

There once was a fellow named Newsome

who, friends thought, missed prime chance to goo some--

was offered a threesome

yet both girls, he reasoned,

involved he'd turn down for a twosome.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2006:

We certainly don't read the tabloids here at DL/S&Y.

But we read ABOUT the tabloids in the general interest newspaper.

And we've learned that Britney Spears has been moanin' and groanin' to OK! Weekly about the demands of "balancing career and family."

You'd think it would've gotten easier for her recently.

You know. Not having the "career" part to worry about anymore.

******

COUNTDOWN: 10 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2006:

What wonders the iPod's unfurled!

See buds on each boy and each girl!

Great science? It's agreed--

but I question need

for folks focused less on real world!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2006:

So some kid died on a ride at Disney World the other day.

A news story on this have informed me that nine people have died at Disney World since 2003.

So where's the uproar over this Secondhand Disney?

We can dream, can't we?...

Excerpt from a letter to a newspaper feature called "Ask the OB/GYN":

"I've noticed some rectal bleeding."

No need to contact a doctor about that. Just fire off a letter to Goddamned TWICE WEEKLY NEWSPAPER ADVICE COLUMNIST...

What is Martin Short's new pre-Broadway theatrical production, "Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me," about?

Well, according to Short, "It's about not taking yourself too seriously."

And what better way to do that than...a ONE-MAN SHOW?...

A bar in Chicago called Big Chicks embarked on a free-market experiment and went smoke-free.

The experiment is over.

Nobody came into the bar.

Big Mother local governments from California to New York have banned tavern smoking and can't cite enough "surveys" and "studies" saying that revenues are only rising for Disneyfied pubs.

Hmm. Think on this for a bit.

No reason at all to mistrust government statistics, however. No reason a'tall...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/2/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Back in the Saddle

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Which is always the case with Sunday Story Time, but I like to throw it out there anyway.

Now, we've been avoiding the DL/S&Y Psychiatric Couch--whereby someone here, usually the CL, rants about his personal life, thoughts, etc.--ever since an ugly incident in late 2004, which led to S&Y being lousy with this Couchy crap, almost threatening to turn our whole operation into a MySpace blog.

Since then we've realized that balance is appropriate--that being more than a "news source" (at the same time we're LESS than a news source), we also fill the roll of "Internet personality." And Sunday Story Time was created to be about as close to a Couch as one can get, so ... Here we are.

M'Lady and I broke up recently. Making her, well, not M'Lady now, although there's not hard feelings, ill will or the like, and we plan to stay friends--you know how these things go. Boo-hoo and all. Don't want your pity. And while you're at it, fuck off, won't you?

So... As I do after every breakup, I'm trying to transform myself into a flaming asshole with a penchant for one-night stands. This time, however, I'm closer than I've ever been to actually accomplishing it! (Translated: I've thought about it a wee bit more than normal.)

The other night, I even hit on a couple of chicks at a show I was emceeing. ("Hitting on" translated: saying a word or two and acting slightly less wishy-washy than usual.)

Actually, I'm going back-and-forth between depressed, pissed-off at the world and feeling back in that proverbial saddle. (Proverbial?) I imagine this is what manic-depression is like. Wanna know what I ORIGINALLY wrote for SST?--

"Now this is gonna sound sappy as hell, I know but... Well:

Isn't it funny how "forever" is so much more likely with "goodbye" than "hello"?

Sheesh. We're actually blushing, that's so self-pathetic. (Self-pathetic?)

(On second thought, I kinda like that term. Bandy it about, won't you?

Ahem.

Coming back from the digression, at this particular show I was emceeing, anyway, I decided that I was "Back in the Saddle!" Hence, today's header.

Since then, however... Well, I've fallen out of the saddle. And then got back in. Then... Well, I'm currently thinking about slaughtering the horse altogether.

Ahem.

And who went and smeared Vaseline on the freakin' saddle?

Grrr.

I mean it!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/2/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Listening to music she probably sold

 

In the dream, she walks into my office

trailing a group of boys. Barely teens,

they pick things up off my desk and

drop them clumsily. They are adorable.

 

I had forgotten how she collected boys

and created swirling parties out of them.

I'd found it both offputting and welcoming

always having people at her place to talk to

 

even if only for small-talk chattering.

Some of those casual connections grew --

they began feeling fierce

and unbreakable.

 

Plied with weed and drinks, choking

on happy laughter,

it did not matter that it was hazy

and all too fun. It felt honest.

 

Often the group seemed quiet and still,

emanating coziness, possibly even love.

But things would often grow too loud

and fracture into fights and tears.

 

In my dream, I shoot down a plan

which she lays out for me in simple words.

She realizes that will have to do,

and turns to leave with her boys.

 

I say "Bitterness looks bad on you"

and her posture changes. She turns.

"I'm just kidding -- on you it looks great."

It was an odd thing to say, but she smiles.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 9 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2006:

At Disney World, 'nother kid's died--

that's NINE since '03 on their rides!

More proved deaths (no joke)

than from sec'hand smoke

so Disney ban's sure justified!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2006:

So another bin Laden video is out.

"Fight the infidels," "praise Allah," etc. Blah blah blah.

He's rehashing the same stuff over and over. Must be taking a cue from Hollywood.

But at least Osama has the good sense to know his productions are straight-to-video quality...

Read yesterday that Henry Winkler's writing children's books.

I guess that's the latest Hollywood accessory.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/3/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Phallic Symbol Haiku

 

Token male member

Of a noted women's club

What a phallacy

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 8 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2006:

Home Depot, like most Big Box stores,

has no freakin' help on the floor!

Downsized/low-price drill--

but they've staff to shill,

at front, air conditioners and more!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2006:

Although we've generally crafted an Independence Day Limerick for July 4, we forgot about that semi-tradition this time (working a day or so ahead of time) and rather like today's entry.

But isn't every day a celebration of our Freedoms here at Daily Limerick?

Perhaps a celebration the cops might raid any second, or the type where some annoying drunk chick inevitably pukes in the pretzels, or one where a friend takes a leak in your juicer because it looks like a toilet through inebriated beer goggles... But a celebration nonetheless!

******

COUNTDOWN: 7 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2006:

Wish they'd stick to drugs, or swank cars--

or overpriced, "hot" clubs and bars

but now it sure looks

penning children's books'

the accessory to the stars.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2006:

Some new study or survey or whatever finds that while 80 percent of Americans read food labels in grocery stores, 44 percent of those who do ignore them and eat what's "bad" for them anyway.

I'm imagining our Surgeon General throwing a hissy fit, contemplating issuing a statement, without any new facts, data or evidence, desperately attempting to frighten us Common Folk into behaving like the Elite who know so much better, stomping and holding his/her breath (who the hell is our Surgeon General now, anyway?)...

Speaking of studies, just in time for Daily Limerick's birthday, somebody's looking into... Well, headline:

"In the Zone: Study Looks at Mindless Reading"

An excerpt from the AP story by Ben Feller:

"For the first time, researchers have demonstrated the ill effects of mindless reading..." Hmm.

Pay no attention to these "studies," Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/5/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Why My, er, "Diet" Works

I've rambled in this section before about my Eat Everything In Sight In Mass Quantities Diet (aka...something else, I think)... Anyway, I've figured out why it works:

When my mental and sensory capacities indicate to my body that I'm eating again, all receptors flash: "Holy shit he's eating again! Start digestin' double time!"

So... That's how it works.

What? You wanted a recipe for jasmine couscous or something?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/5/2006:

> Sloop,

>

> I just noticed that you have a link to my band's website on your website. Thanks

> very much for adding us to your links.  It turns out that our website address

> has changed due to mix-up at the bank and subsequent loss of control of our

> domain name.  I was wondering if you could change the link on your site.  Our

> new address is http://thedeadsuperheroes.com.  We added a definite article.

>

> Thank you,

>

> Mark Winston

I immediately e-mailed this cat telling him I'd answer him in yesterday's edition, having received this on Monday...but then I realized there'd likely be fewer readers on the 4th, but didn't tell him... Oh, he'll figure it out.

Nice that he just "noticed" it. It was, of course, difficult to notice, with all the secrecy surrounding the E-MAIL I SENT THE BAND ANNOUNCING THE LINK WHEN IT WAS INITIALLY PLACED, what, months ago?... Not to mention the little matter of the FEATURE in our Friday "ENTERTAIN ME!" Section... Ahem.

And it was good that he followed DL/S&Y policy by not simply submitting a change in link address, but adding a cumbersome, boring explanation of the matter.

But they're still a great act. So check it out, especially if you haven't yet. Scrunchmonkeys.

******

COUNTDOWN: 6 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2006:

Some new "study" says "mindless reading"

is bad--but does "study" bear heeding?

We'd investigate

but, er, have full slate--

and we're sure it's just bad science bleatings.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2006:

So some cat in New York, Nico Bossi, is being utilized by the car company Jaguar as a living, breathing, human advertisement.

That is, he zooms around town in the thing, attending all the highest-profile venues, etc. The Jaguar itself is not painted with special advertising and he doesn't have to wear Jaguar suits or anything--he's just been given one of the higher-end models and told to live his "beautiful people" lifestyle as an advertisement.

With DL approaching its 7th Birthday (you may have heard), we read this story with interest. Perhaps we can even utilize such a deal with our Chief Limericist.

Why, the possible corporate sponsors are practically endless! Why, there's... Hmm.

Pringles?

******

COUNTDOWN: 5 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2006:

A fella, with Free Speech, did play.

And he won a free trip that day,

which paid all expense

and yet proved quite tense--

in scenic Guantanamo Bay.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2006:

I've thought long and, er, hard about mentioning this little slice-of-life vignette, due to the fact that more people I actually run into appear semi-"up" on the contents of DL/S&Y--and there's also, of course, the Couch... But here goes:

(Oh--Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

Lately, it being summer and the position of M'Lady currently unfilled, I've been sitting outside, in my building's courtyard, reading a lot. This leads to some socialization, including the Meeting of the Neighbors.

One neighbor chick... Well, I immediately lusted for her.

Soon after, I learned she was married.

Soon after that, I met her husband, who is really a cool cat.

Then it occurred to me:

I am literally coveting my neighbor's wife.

A sin, I suppose, but I'm harmless in this regard. Worry about me should I start worshipping graven images or something of a more sinister nature...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/7/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Action Kit

The chick frontman for Action Kit, or frontchick, or... Anyway, she dedicated a song to me when I saw them.

World's Worst Music Critic checking in, as always.

Oh, and said chick looks a whole lot like the Sinister Intern Who Almost Ruined My Life (see SUNDAY STORY TIMES and, well, much of S&Y, for late 2004/early 2005). Which is a good thing. Although it would be a very bad thing if she WERE the Sinister Intern, and the resemblance is uncanny enough that you can never be too sure but... (Shudder.)

Anyway... Oh. Their music? It was...kick-ass. Otherwise I wouldn't be featuring them but, to come clean, I don't remember a damn thing about it.

But trust me.

http://www.actionkit.net

******

COUNTDOWN: 4 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2006:

A guy couldn't do one-night stands

(in that way, was big girlie man).

Broke up with his chick

but had horny dick

so pulled muscle in his right hand.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2006:

Well, it's another Cheezy Saturday here at DL/S&Y, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--and, more than any other day, you're expecting something light-hearted.

And Life ain't cooperating.

But then I read this in my newspaper:

"A 19-year-old man shot himself in the groin while trying to holster his gun in his pants."

Nothing like a knucklehead to make you feel better about yourself.

******

COUNTDOWN: 3 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2006:

New Jersey's state budget machine-o

went bust due to excess obscene-o.

Now temp fix they bring

for most 'portant things--

like reopening their casinos!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2006:

Headline:

"Conservative Wins Mexican Presidential Election: Opponent Alleges Fraud, Vows to Fight Results of Tight Race"

The U.S.' version of Democracy is finally shaping up as an international role model...

Out comes a new book, "Why Men Marry Bitches," by Sherry Argov.

There are still nice women out there, we at DL/S&Y firmly believe. But some of those few might now be rethinking their philosophies.

Thanks, Sherry...

Newspaper story excerpt:

"John Goodman will play Santa in a live-action version of the classic stop-motion animated holiday TV film, 'The Year Without a Santa Claus.'"

But... The beauty of the specials was the claymation... Why would they?... Ahem.

It's official: The world has gone to Hell.

Next up: Nestling it into the Handbasket--and I'm sure Hollywood is more than willing to help.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/9/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Ladies, Let's Not Forget Where Nice Guys Finish

The title of today's edition is a headline from a Chicago Sun-Times column Friday by Debra Pickett.

As a "nice guy" (for lack of a better--and more success friendly--term), I've struggled with this phenomenon my whole life.

Now, the saying/wisdom about finishing last is, of course, a mere saying. A generalization. On one hand, it's "true"--you can't be too concerned about how your actions affect the Other Guy to get yourself ahead; if you're TOO nice, people may take advantage of that and step on you; etc.

However, as I've long maintained, it's somewhat "false" as well--at some point in life, we all need the help of friends/family and if you're too much of an ass, nobody will care; while women have some undeniable attraction to assholes, in the long run most decide to settle down with a "nice guy," etc.

I lost M'Lady recently, as Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noted. Thus, I haven't been in the best of moods--getting a bit better all the time, blah blah blah, but I'm a notorious sap when it comes to breakups and such. And this means that I go through a period of deciding to "rework" myself a bit, especially regarding the Nice Guy Curse--telling myself things ranging from "I'll be a little less quick to fall for the next woman" to "I'm gonna go out and bang all sorts of chicks and who cares if they get hurt!"

I never manage to reinvent myself as an asshole. In fact, while I HAVE managed to "harden" myself a bit as time's worn on, I've seen even THAT as a shame and... Well, I wanna be whom I'm meant to be naturally, as much as possible--and the world sure as hell doesn't need another asshole.

But I have improved my problem sappiness over the years--for instance, a mere 10 years ago I was a welcome mat for stepping on, whereas today... Well, at least I'm a welcome mat stashed in a hall closet and not out on the floor asking for it.

And while I'll undoubtedly continue to change over the years, whether over behaviors induced by girlfriends/wives or by other forces life throws at you, I've come to a conclusion:

If nice guys truly DO finish last... I'll just see you at the freakin' finish line.

But you may have to wait for me a bit.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/9/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Composing

 

I believe that the scratching in my notebook

is the same scratching as the dog at the door,

the blind girl passing her hands over bumps

in Braille, the baby learning the feel of

the womb. Each of these creatures wants something

to help them understand and belong. And I

understand and belong to that feeling.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/9/2006:

> Thanks, Sloop!!

I suppose I should explain the genesis of this letter, or at least identify who sent it but... Why, who out there DOESN'T have Sloop to thank?

(That question's rhetorical, by the way.)

******

COUNTDOWN: 2 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2006:

New book's called "Why Men Marry Bitches,"

and, sure, many have bitchward itches,

but nice future brides

might join Other Side--

and bitches keep ME loose in britches!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2006:

There's an interesting piece by Mark Konkol in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times about exactly what goes on during "sensitivity training." (See their online archives.) The news peg being, of course, Sox manager Ozzie Guillen's recent stint.

You gotta wonder why there's still hatred rearing its ugly head in this world with such powerful insensitivity weapons in common usage, don't ya'?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/10/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Palpitating Haiku

 

My heart goes pitter-

Pat in my breast.  I need a

Defibrillator

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 1 Day Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2006:

Give treat to your cock or your beave

tonight--and don't cry and don't grieve.

For it's special day

why, could even say,

that today's the All Limerick's Eve!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2006:

There's a show on the E! Network called, "Uncovered: Hidden Lives of Miss USA."

Perhaps the show can answer us THIS: Who IS the current Miss USA? In fact, we can't think of the name of ANY Miss USA!

HIDDEN lives? What about their "public" lives?

******

It's Daily Limerick's Birthday! That's SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2006:

DL's SEVENTH BIRTHDAY--how rich!

In truth, at times, it's been a bitch!

And what would I do--

go free verse? Haiku?--

if DL got "seven-year itch"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2006:

Hey. Seven years of this crap. S&Y can have a day off...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/12/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pfft!

Eat THIS!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/12/2006:

This is from Monte:

> wow!!!! congratulations(tomorrow of course)!!! i read

> em everyday, never skip a beat. very glad to be on

> your list.

Suppose it's only right to address such a sprawling ode to Daily Limerick point-by-point:

Tomorrow? Well, he sent it on the day known as "yesterday" to you readers... We'll allow you a moment to grasp that concept, catch-up with the rest of us, you being Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers and all.

Okay?

Next--"never skip a beat"? If I did that (Chief Limericist checking in, here)...why, I'd be the angriest sonuvabitch east, west, north and south of the Pecos!

(Pecos? A river, we reckon.)

(Reckon?)

And lastly, regarding this "list"...it's nothing special--again, were talkin' Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Anybody can ask to sign on and receive the e-mail edition.

We'll be off celebrating tonight, in our own special way.

Rest assured, there will probably be Hot Pockets involved.

In any event, Happy Birthday, Daily Limerick--and many happy returns!

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2006:

Big Day, yesterday--'d'ya bend over?

Perhaps you sent us Russell Stovers?

In any event

here we're feeling spent--

guess you'd call it "Limerick hangover"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2006:

Not to shatter any illusions of instantaneousness or anything, but you do know that any day's given edition of DL/S&Y was written the day previous.

So I'm working on this edition July 12, 2006.

Daily Limerick's 7th Birthday.

That's enough for today...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2006:

> Happy Birthday, John! Can you believe it? Seven years of this shit. I just

> noticed that's pretty close to your description "Seven years of this crap."

> I am an unoriginal asshole. Love,

>

> Mr. Accursed Verse Himself, Who Needs No Name Because He's So Goddamn Famous

> People Recognize Him On Sight and In Their Sights. Pow.

>

> Oh what the hell: Mike

Crap. Shit. Asshole.

Daily Limerick isn't just from the heart. It's from the...

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2006:

That French soccer star sure was crass

head-butting out on World Cup grass.

Unlike U.S. stars,

head strayed, but not far

enough to go straight up his ass.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2006:

A new Oxygen network "reality" TV show, "Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty," features Doherty doing the dirty deed of ending relationships FOR people too lame to do it themselves.

So it's come to this. Reality (or at least "reality") mimics "The Jerry Springer Show"...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers poking around the Sloop Central portion of the site may have noted that one of the Chief Limericists' emceeing gigs Wednesday night sorta, kinda doubled as a celebration of our 7th Birthday.

Now, just how do you think THAT went?

I won't bore (and/or sadden) you with details. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.) But a couple details:

While preparing for the 9 p.m. show, the time going on 7:30 p.m., I checked e-mail to learn that the show was at 8 p.m.

Oh, and another one:

I had went out of my way, between the train station and my stop at home, to get a fine cigar for the evening. Upon arriving at the venue, I learned that the tavern had went non-smoking--ahead of the City of Chicago deadline.

You know, a non-smoking tavern so that notedly health-conscious bar-goers can... Ahem. I won't digress THERE at this time. (But will add that there were more patrons OUTSIDE than INSIDE the bar when I arrived.)

Use your imagination to fill in the rest of the details, keeping the general tone of the aforementioned, of course.

Ever wonder how things would pan out for an adult Charlie Brown?...

As big believers of Destiny, Romance, Soulmates and all that mumbo-jumbo here at DL/S&Y... Although we firmly believe that each and every one of us has but ONE Girl Of Our Dreams, there are apparently countless Girls of Our Nightmares...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/14/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Amanda Sena

Amanda Sena is a hot lookin' chick. (Let's get the important stuff out of the way first.)

The sound of her and her band reminded me of '80s hard rock/metal acts that didn't shy away form keyboard usage. Think Rush or perhaps Journey--when at their finest, of course. And led by a hot chick (although Steve Perry sounded a bit like one).

Her lyrics also blew me away. A lot of those truly-sad-yet-somehow-not-sappy songs. About long, protracted goodbyes and stuff.

Surf: http://www.amandasena.com

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2006:

A master chef who went by Pickens

cooked many a dish finger-lickin'.

But rumors did swirl--

he rarely banged girls--

so most would avoid his "jerk" chicken.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2006:

This weekend, an international athletic/cultural celebration kicks off, this time around in Chicago, desperately hoping to bring the existence of an oft-discriminated-against minority to light.

Unfortunately, this group lingers in obscurity and darkness, constantly dreaming of the day when at least some small segment of the general public is aware of their plight.

They're called the Gay Games. Take note of these homosexuals--aka "gays," lesbians, etc. You may be hearing something about their struggle for acceptance at some point in the indeterminate future.

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2006:

Though it helps small bands make a name,

cheaply joining Internet game,

despite all that stuff

my mind is made up:

I still think that MySpace is lame.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2006:

Ten members of Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps were in attendance at North Korea's latest attempt to send a missile at America.

We didn't see any mention of this in the mainstream media we follow.

But feel free to check it out.

And go back to discarding us in the "new media" as meaningless...

For a fee, fans of Jessica Simpleton can purchase a version of her latest hit with their own name included as a "shout out."

I think they should take this fan-friendly measure a step further. For an even bigger fee, there's no reason why her average fan, even at the ripe old age of 12, can't WRITE her next song...

I walked into TWO businesses today playing radio stations that decided upon a "Christmas in July" motif. Yes, Christmas carols.

There's SOO much wrong with that, we don't even wanna start.

But we wouldn't be surprised if they just kept it rollin'--and enlisted stores to just put up the freakin' displays in July and face the inevitable...

It's not often that I, the Chief Limericist, see my surname attached to others. Which is fine with me. Evidently, there's some famous flower arranger or something with my last name. And BiederMEYER is a big name in furniture design. But I'm content to be "special," nomenclaturally, anyway.

However, the latest reference I've read, in a Chicago Reader theater review by Tony Adler (7/17/2006), is a tad disturbing. Gottlieb Biedermann, a character in a 1953 play by Max Frisch, "The Firebugs," is described as "complacent, hypocritical and self-deluding."

I'm sure as hell not complacent or hypocritical!

In any event, I got a mild charge out of this excerpt:

"Director Laurence Bryan supplies rock music and video when what he needs is a decent Biedermann."

Out-of-context, that's almost as flattering as one of the media/cultural reference I recall to my surname, in that Pearl Jam song:

"She lies and says she's in love with him--can't find a Biederman"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/16/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Show & Tell

I don't remember a helluva lot from Show & Tell back when I was a shaver. But I remember one particular day that I saw fit to paean the fact that my grandpa and dad were both veterans. (Although neither really saw "action," per se.)

I don't remember everything I said--or even much of it--as I stood there, awkwardly, babbling for a silent audience, including the teacher, all of whom I suspected knew that I was bullshitting.

I did tell the "tale" of my father flying along in a plane during "The War," only to have a bomb thrown right into the cockpit, landing in his lap, which he tossed out of the "window," all the while gripping the "steering wheel" and firing at enemy planes, seconds before it exploded... Ahem.

Guess that although I've dabbled in writing as long as I can remember, I learned early that I just wasn't cut out for PR.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/16/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The famous singer's hands

 

I think they fell in love when she

noticed the woman's hands. For a pianist,

her fingers were stubby and she

privately called them her ugliness.

She hid her hands in her videos, behind her back

with her chest out and her hips swaying,

wearing long shiny gloves

to obscure their tininess. Her fingers

roved her songs like soldiers bearing candy,

but she was ashamed to reveal their vulnerability.

 

At a studio session, the woman hired to sing

backup must have noticed the famous singer's hands

and told her the truth about her music,

which is not the same as fawning adoration, and can hurt.

Later she took those hands into hers,

stroked them and held them to her lips. It would

make the singer feel like her fingers were

just the right size to hold and kiss,

and she relearned why they made music.

 

The songs born between the two woman

bring them beauty and serenity in feeling.

She is secure when they are alone.

But she still hides her hands in videos,

and they only sing in public from behind a drape.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2006:

Jess Simpson's new song--pers'nalized!

Fans order, and try on for size

their names in a "shout-out"!

Her next one, I've no doubt,

will come with an order of fries!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2006:

So Israel is at war with Lebanon, Iran's helping the latter and, meanwhile, Iran is cozying up to North Korean at the latter's U.S.-based missile tests.

And the general public...is really only concerned with Baby Brangelina or whatever.

Well, it's only WWIII...

Scientists are working on "lab-based meat," which would eliminate the need to kill animals for meat, and PETA claims it's onboard.

Why not? In fact, it'd make a great promotional tie-in with spokesmodel Pam Anderson--most of whom's meat is lab-made!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/17/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Biological Haiku

 

Orgyanism

Scientific name for a

Party animal

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2006:

Iran folk just happened to be

at missile test by North Kore-

a. We named the Axis--

but they made it fact-sus.

Don't worry: It's just World War III!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2006:

Pertinent question to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers regarding today's Limerick:

Do you think Ogden Nash is smiling, or groaning--or perhaps just ignoring--in his grave?

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2006:

Has the age of "lab meat" begun?

PETA says: Go with it and run!

No critters, that's neat--

they've long known "lab meat"

on their spokesbabe Pam Anderson!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2006:

Jesse Jackson had a commentary piece in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times titled, "False Piety is Wrong Cure for Dems." It addresses the idea of Democrats focusing on their personal faiths as a means of keeping Republicans from "hijacking" the whole issue.

Not once does Jackson refer to Sen. Barack Obama, the man who originally advocated the "Talk Faith" attitude for Dems--you know, the guy who managed to grow political Teflon before even attaining office and became the off-limits-to-attack Golden Boy of the Dems (and usually of the GOP, too)?

Ah, you think, Jackson avoided Golden Boy reference to preserve party unity?

Hmm.

We think the non-mention was due to an even more important priority of Jackson's: preserving future photo-ops...

CBS is going to begin promoting its network and series on eggs.

Really.

In (on?) egg cartons in grocery stores, right where they print the expiration date, you'll see CBS shilling.

It's all part of corporate synergy--CBS programming is laying most of the eggs involved as well...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/19/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Give Your Taco Shop a Second Chance

There is a taco/burrito shop around the corner from me, which I tried a year or so ago and decided I didn't like.

I retried the restaurant within the last few months and love the place. Hell--it has some of the best Mexican pork I've ever enjoyed!

The joint's chorizo, I still maintain, is not so hot. But how, oh how did I forget that you have to menu surf before making a decision on such matters?

Re-read this edition's title and let that be a lesson to you!

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2006:

When on sidewalk, eggs you can fry

rad'yo cries, "Christmas in July!"

and plays yuletide songs

but it won't be long

'fore stores put displays up same time!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2006:

Feature headline:

"Heal Your Energy at Yoga Fest"

Hmm.

Some off-the-cuff definitions:

1.) YOGA: An introspective system of physical exercise lending itself to meditation, concentration and relaxation.

2.) FESTIVAL: A... Oh, look it up if you don't know.

Nothing bastardizing about a "Yoga Fest," no sir...

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2006:

CBS has new marketing bait:

Groc'ry stores used to plug its show slate

with ads right on egg shells--

unlike jokes their shows tell

hope the eggs ain't past exp'ration date!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2006:

I work nears Chicago's "Jewelers Row," where there is an inordinate amount of businesses selling...wigs. Whaddaya THINK it's known for selling?

Anyway, one of these emporiums, BiG, has a life-sized cardboard cutout of a certain celebrity in front, wearing a giant rock, I suppose as a way of hauling in customers.

Well, who do you think would draw in a man, about to spend the most amount of money he'll ever spend on one item (save a car or home), all for the purposes of hoping to secure the lifelong, monogamous love of a woman?

Who else but...Paris Hilton?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/21/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Tunes To Bawl To--One Size Doesn't Fit All

Having recently lost M'Lady, or M'ExLady or... Oh, we'll save the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, now well fumigated, for Sundays, but the point is I've been again dealing with the titular "Tunes" lately. (Oh--Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

I know I've blathered about this topic in past S&Y/ ENTERTAIN ME!/ SUNDAY STORY TIMEs, but the point I want to make today is that these TTBT aren't interchangeable.

If need to have a Big Bawl as part of my grieving process, at least when a more serious relationship I was really into ends. The Big Bawl comes out of nowhere usually--and not typically early in the process. In fact, the "better" the ended relationship was, the longer the wait. (Bawling will occur, yes, but the Big Bawl, all by myself, is its own entity. See the 'Chives, screwtoads!)

My point: I can't toss on, say, Johnny Cash's "Flesh and Blood," or the Stones' "Angie" (both Big Bawl inducers over past heartbreaks) for this one. They're each unique, like evil, depressing little snowflakes.

The same, of course, can be said of tunes used to feel better about one's self. Cash's "Understand Your Man" was a fitting "fuck you" counterblow to my ex-wife's cruelty but... Well, doesn't fit my current situation and, most likely, won't fit any other.

For the record, I'm still awaiting the Big Bawl on this one but think I was justaboutthere the other night.

Perhaps part of the reason I'm honing my thoughts on this topic here today is because I believe it actually prompted letters before (you lazy punchmuffins).

And to those questioning whether grieving tunes constitute the "entertainment" called for in this section's title, well... Firstly: Sod off!

Secondly, well... Entertainment, bawling one's eyes out...such a fine line...

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2006:

A gay cannibal, name of Paul,

shared fruits of an explorer's fall

with rest of his tribe

and leveled a bribe

to ensure that he had a ball.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2006:

Are you there, God? It's me, Sloop.

(Chief Limericist checking in, up there.)

Oh, sorry. I'm just asking if you're there, really. Sometimes I'm not sure. As the All Powerful Creator and such, you're certainly entitled to a coffee break or a lunch now and then, but given the nature of infinity and all that could be millennia...well, maybe you ARE out to lunch.

Which would explain a lot of things...

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2006:

As summer heats up 'cross the land

at first, chicks show'n skin seems so grand!

But soon: re'lization

of bods of our nation--

and I don't mind fall's coming stand!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2006:

I have a Dr. Seuss calendar this year and it is replete with stickers, for such things as "Birthday Party" and "Pet Doctor Day" and "Hooray! Great Job!"

I'll have to keep this in mind if a Daily Limerick calendar ever arises.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/23/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Comedians Suck Ass

Practitioners of stand-up comedy tend to be conceited, crybaby, cowardly assholes.

S&Y has touched on this before, specifically the fact that stand-ups tend to have no sense of humor as it relates to themselves (outside of the occasional throwaway self-deprecating joke).

Now, today's edition may seem to blur the lines between SST and Friday's "Entertain Me!" section. But earlier this week, "Entertain Me!" blurred the lines with SST so... It all evens out.

And here's the story supporting my theory that Comedians Suck Ass:

While mostly a humorist (or is that "humorist"?) through writing, I do some performing. One of my regular gigs is emceeing these live music/variety shows and performing dummy "game show" prize giveaways and such. (See SLOOP CENTRAL.)

I gravitated toward this after pursuing stand-up for a bit, largely of course as a "Stand-Up Poet," in Chicago and L.A., and deciding that I really didn't want to be a comic. There were many reasons for this decision, with a biggie being the fact that people don't really go to comedy clubs these days--other than for big names, your Carlins and Seinfelds and such, and most of those cats perform in stadiums.

Another reason for ditching the stand-up dreams is more theoretical. A major trick to performing comedy is to come across as NOT TRYING VERY HARD. That is, appearing that you're sort of "accidentally" being funny while just telling a story or what-have-you. And a comedy club is, by definition, someplace featuring people who are there specifically to BE FUNNY.

Before any therapists reading start firing off e-business cards, enough on the theorizing. But the point is: I enjoy doing shows like these variety numbers because, although it is more challenging (to use a word that's oft a euphemism for what I'm going for here), I like utilizing humor on those not necessarily expecting it. I like the idea of variety shows, as opposed to one thing--music, comedy, etc.

Enough backstory. Finally, HERE'S the "Story" part of SST:

We're always looking for other performers to help us out and, semi-recently, have tried a few stand-ups to do a brief bit in between bands and our other shenanigans.

Every time, it's been the same thing:

The comic does his/her act, once or twice, receives a less-than-ideal reception--music crowds are often rough for comedy, trust me--and gives up. In fact, they don't even face-up to their decision to go whiny-ass baby on us--they sneak out of the club! And they often go and badmouth us to the pathetic bunch of scrunchpumps known as the "Comedy Community."

Good comedians might take stock in an experience like this--every successful comic has stories about Big Bombs onstage. It's a learning experience, a skin-toughening of sorts.

But most comics don't WANT that. They'd rather read at an open mic to a room full of other comics who won't be so rough on them.

So there you go. Comedians Suck Ass.

And most aren't even funny.

"You ever notice that...?"

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/23/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The significance of 10:45

 

We're putting Rudi down today.

She is old and blind and trembly

and sweet and quiet. My watch says

10:45. She is going

to die at 12:15. Only

an hour and a half left, and how

do you spend it?

 

I want the watch to stop clenching my stomach.

Time is radiating out, kicking down the table.

Soon, Rudi will be gone.

 

Only 15 hours afterward, its hands

will sweeo to 3 a.m. I'll be up

getting ready for a business trip,

trying to remember her as I stumble through the dark

collecting my suitcases.

My roommate will stay home and pet Carson and

be able to know and hate (and accept) the space

that Rudi no longer occupies.

I will come home and see the spot where

her dish was, and I do not know what I will feel then

because I am not there yet.

It's 11.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2006:

Now big city councils are steeped

in wars 'gainst the Big Box store heap.

The public's pissed, too--

we'd boycott the grue

if their prices weren't so darn cheap!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2006:

The "Miss Universe 2006 Pageant" was on last night and, unless you had something really important and/or exciting and/or of an emergency nature to do last night, I'm sure you were glued to the screen.

I was one of the few out-of-touch folks who didn't tune in.

But I hear that Miss Jupiter was pretty hot.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/24/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Danish Proverb Haiku

 

A stone deaf husband

And a blind wife are always

A happy couple

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/24/2006:

Well, well, well. A Chicago "comedian" has checked in regarding yesterday's Sunday Story Time (entitled, oddly enough, "Comedians Suck Ass"):

> Must be nice to write from anonymity.

>

> I'll bring you at least 20 stand-ups that will stay to the "bitter end" or

> whatever gig you throw at them.

>

> A difficult venue is a challenge, as is the life of a road comic. My jokes, your > microphone, and an audience.  Bring it!

>

> Rick

>

> Rick March

> Laugh All Nite, Inc.

> 1360 Old Skokie Road, Suite 2N

> Highland Park, IL 60035

> 847-831-0484

> rick@laughallnite.com

> http://www.laughallnite.com

Yes. While this site publicizes my name, resume, e-mail, a voicemail and entire itinerary of upcoming performances (plus, I'm sure, some other tidbits I'm not thinking of now), I still enjoy anonymity because I don a CAMOUFLAGE SPEEDO. (Don't tell anybody, though.)

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2006:

The Mid-East's, with extremist dicks,

erupted--and sure needs a fix!

So whom does Bush call

to the White House halls?

Of course--let's hear from Taylor Hicks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2006:

For a while "experts" kept telling us that the economy was growing and even thriving.

Having been obviously living in a world of Grand Coincidence, however, most everybody we know has had it rough. But, finally, even these "experts" are strangely quiet about the economy, what with rising interest rates and the stock market faltering.

We were wondering whether the Bush Economy was finally showing true colors of trouble...but then we saw this headline:

"A Whole Lotta Yacht: Demand for Bigger and Bigger Boats Buoys Industry"

So it seems the Bush Economy IS thriving as planned...

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2006:

The Feds can't indict Barry Bonds

for 'roids fueling home run-a-thon.

But fans know that trick--

grow'n muscles that quick--

is more rare, nat'rally, than blondes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2006:

Headline:

"Marines Trolling MySpace.com for Recruits"

This puts an interesting spin on DL/S&Y's official position on MySpace.

Your likely net result from MySpace activity, however, is the same: Does it matter whether your body's found after a "date," in a forest preserve, or in a suicide-bombed car wreck in Baghdad?...

The Chicago City Council is fixin' to allow dogs at outdoor cafes.

DL/S&Y still likes dogs. But the modern urban experience is threatening that sentiment.

Dogs...cafes...drooling...making plays at unguarded meals...barking...leg-humping... Can only add to the outdoor dining experience.

They're only animals. It's not like they're, oh, smokers or anything...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/26/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Healing Power of a Buffet

Our Chief Limericist recently went through a horrible, heart-ripping breakup.

Funny, but the way it works here, we add future topics to our list for EAT IT and SUNDAY STORY TIME as we conceive them, causing a lag time. So the CL is a little beyond the grieving stage explored today. Let's leave it at that.

When Chiefy, the big sap, grieves a thing like this, typical functions are knocked out of kilter that normally run like a well-oiled jalopy. Namely, sleep and eating (the ol' softy has atypical sleep disturbances and thus a lack of "good" sleep while grieving so, although not insomnia; and his appetite drops).

But the availability of a buffet helped change the appetite problem for the Grand Poobah. At least temporarily, and with a decent push closer to normalization.

Point being, there is a therapeutic effect to a buffet. But, like most "medications," you must follow directions for proper usage.

Try everything offered in the buffet. Now, of course there are some exceptions--for instance, we see no reason to necessarily take in the salad bar proper, as lettuce is lettuce. But otherwise, this rule is golden--don't write-off the taco bar at the otherwise Chinese buffet, for instance. Unexpected gems away at every turn.

Take teensy-weensy portions if you may, but otherwise try everything--and then go back for helpings of the stuff you found to be the best.

There you have DL/S&Y's prescription for a funk of sadness. Now comes... Well, we're required to do this:

Talk to your doctor about whether DL/S&Y's Buffet Therapy is for you. Most adherents experience no side effects, but possible side effects may include anal leakage, exploding kidneys, painful two-month erections...

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2006:

Marines now recruit on MySpace

(task easier not face-to-face?).

They join sex'al predators

in need of editors

threat'ning kids' lives in Cyb. Space.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2006:

A variety of companies have begun or will begin marketing brand-name ice cubes.

That's ice cubes made from bottled and/or "sparkling" water.

At heart, P.T. Barnum was an optimist regarding the human race.

A sucker is apparently born every second...

We've all heard, and seen evidence all around to prove, that the public's attention span is dwindling away.

Then we stumble across this Wall Street Journal stat:

"Last year, the average running time for the 20 most successful Hollywood movies was 188 minutes--up from 104 minutes in 1986."

So it's not so much attention span as a demand to be entertained. Waah, waah!

Perhaps we can solve our problem of unhealthy eating by chocolate-coating vegetables...

At last! Evidence as to how certain advice columnists sell themselves as "experts"!

In the "Ask Ellie" column of the July 26 Chicago Sun-Times comes this gem:

"Tip of the Day: A relationship that exists only in the imagination has no future."

In considering this "expert advice," however, Ellie DOES strictly follow a bedrock journalistic maxim: Know your readership.

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2006:

New product for middle-class rubes:

spring water-made freakin' ice cubes!

We'd buy sand in desert

with marketing pressure--

soon up, we'll buy "air shots" in tubes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2006:

"See Inside" newspaper headline:

"Lance Bass Comes Out: Former N'Sync Star Reveals He Is Gay"

I suppose nobody is shocked that a guy who made a "name" for himself dancing around like a girlie man with a group of guys turns out to be a homo.

I just hope Bass thought this announcement out--especially the timing. Other than future "reality" TV hell or pullin' an O.J., this is probably his last shot at newsworthiness...

Headlined quote about a jury now finding evil-assed baby killer Andrea Yates not guilty because of insanity:

"It's the Illness That Did This...Not Their Mommy"

Funny, but we never read about the children having an illness. Much less anything about this mysterious disease that works through its bacteria drowning helpless little children in bathtubs...

In a time before we lived around modern yuppies in the city, walkin' the damn things everywhere, mouthin' cutesy talk, clogging sidewalks and insisting on bringing them in anywhere they can, we once really liked dogs.

Really. We did...

Most performers can generally expect to be paid for a performance--even if that's only, sometimes, a drink or two at the club they're performing at.

Check out this ad:

"LOOKING FOR POETS to perform at sough side annual church club block party. No fee..." Hmm.

Poets, on the other hand, strive for gigs where they don't have to shell out for the privilege of annoying everyone...

Hey tourists and suburbanites! You know what we could REALLY use more of from you? Young kids--and especially strollers--on big city trains and buses during rush hour! Please, keep up the good work in adding to the convenience of our commute!...

Lest you think we're biased in favor of city folk... In a time before we lived around modern yuppies in the city, walkin' the damn things everywhere, mouthin' cutesy talk, clogging sidewalks and insisting on bringing their mutts into any establishment they can, we once really liked dogs.

Really. We did...

REMINDER:

When on the ground floor of an urban office building where multiple elevators exist to take you upward, there's no reason to run and scream and wave for somebody to hold an elevator for you. Another one will be along in 30 seconds or so.

Your time's not THAT valuable. Your attention span can take it. Yes, it's not YOUR fault that the course of humanity has spat you out in a de-evolved state but, please, make an ATTEMPT...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 7/28/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: idon't.com

Actually, don't include the apostrophe in the web address. That is, if you don't use our handy link, which would be silly. Then again, you ARE a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper... Ahem.

I've seen the ads for this site for some time. Unfortunately, I must also report that the ads are probably better than the actual site. The ads use tactics like comparing iPod users to sheep. The site itself... Well, has more of the same, but also appears to be a shill for this musician or whatever who goes by Lil' Monster.

In any event, the ads and/or the site should get you thinking about those omnipresent iPod ear buds. Nothing against music, or portable music. It's a wonderful invention and many public iPod users remain in their fine citizen roles but... How divorced from the real world around us should we really be?

I know, I know--the answer doesn't matter. The tech is here and we're powerless over it--we MUST use it.

(Sigh.)

Anyway:

http://www.idont.com

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2006:

A comic, live show host found perk

in hot ladies who near stage lurk.

He got onstage boner;

was told by club's owner,

"That's NOT how 'prop comedy' works!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2006:

Call from a telemarketer yesterday:

"Mr. Bayderman. I won't take much of your time..." Click.

He didn't lie. He DIDN'T take up too much of my time, after all!

(Still TOO MUCH time but, hey, gotta admire his honesty.)

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/29/2006:

This one comes in from Steve Heisler, of Time Out Chicago magazine:

> Hi John-

>

> I was wondering if you had some time next week to chat.  I would love

> to hear more about your comedy, and I have to admit - at this point I

> don't know too much.

>

> Do you have any time Tuesday to talk?  If not, how bout Thursday?

>

> You can reach me at Time Out at 312-924-9369.

Time Out Chicago is new--an offshoot of Time Out New York and thus HQ'd in the Big Apple. Thus, of course, much of its staff isn't up on us Windy City regular characters (Chief Limericist checking in, here).

But thank God for folks who "don't know too much" about my comedy. How the hell else would I scam the pitiful amounts of coverage I miraculously pull-off now and again?

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2006:

N'Sync's Lance Bass came out as gay!

If you're shocked, you've been stashed away

in some freakin' cave.

Let's hope thought he gave

to Minute 15's last Press play.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2006:

First, reports surfaced that David Hasselhoff wasn't allowed to board a British Airways flight because he was drunk.

Next, his people say Hasselhoff wasn't drinking at all--but had taken antibiotics.

Well, they managed to top the ridiculosity of Ashless Simpson's "acid reflux" excuse.

Next!...

As I'm typing this nugget, I'm on a suburban commuter train. As is my typical practice, I found a seat at the very "back" (relative to the closest car passengers can board from the station), right by the bathroom, where you're theoretically least likely to have to share a seat.

The seating at the end of each car is "double"--that is, two seats face each other, thus ideally allowing me a spot to put my luggage, stretch my legs, etc.

And, of course, some asswipe sits in the seat facing me anyway, leaving me wishing I would've taken a regular seat and at least been able to keep that little oasis to myself.

I only mention this incident because I find it amusing that there's this guy sitting across from me, I think he's a completely worthless asswipe and, although here I am typing about it a mere few feet away from him, he has NO idea.

Chances are he'll never know, the balding, crabby, self-important workaholic fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the maxim, or parable, or whatever the fuck it is: "Judge not lest you be judged yourself." But considering that I AM judged by everybody around me, constantly--and you are, too, so don't kid yourself, ya' idealistic fuckroast--why not?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/30/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Pain is Funny

True Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I, Chief Limericist, have been going through a break-up recently. (Well, the truth of that statement depends on one's definition of "recently," but as a sensitive poet type--even if I mostly dwell in limerick and other filthy dreck--my recovery time is elongated.)

I'll remind you stump-pumps that Sunday Story Time, like most of the "special" features of DL/S&Y, accumulates topics as we think of them--in this case, I put today's topic in the cooker about a month ago--so you can't necessarily glean from any given edition just how the ol' CL's doin' at the time.

(Actually, I'm pissed at the world and everybody in it presently, especially women I find attractive ("commitment-phobic slutbag--string somebody else along for a while so THEY can have a Summer of Suck next year!"), seething with hatred and anger, to balance out a month or so of unadulterated, hopelessly romantic depression--and that malcontent ichor includes you, gentle SYGs. That's beside the point, but fuck off, anyway, won't you?)

Like most people, after a traumatic break-up I seek the solace of friends and family. Not sure why. Nobody gave me any advice worth half a piece of shit and, come to think of it, they didn't help me feel better about things whatsoever. But that situation's due in no small part to the fact that... Well, I'll let a quote from a friend fill you in:

"I hate to say it but, a lot of times, I avoid friends when they're going through a breakup. They're all depressing and stuff--and I don't know what to tell 'em when they ask what they should do. They usually get pissed off at my advice anyway... But YOU? You're FUNNY when you're grieving! That one time with [name has been changed to protect the whackjob hussy...not sure why...], you were always talking like Elvis, drawing on that ''Cilla just left me' thing... You play some sort of goofy music all the time to get you through it... I don't mind talking about YOUR break-ups at all!"

As you should well know, ol' overrated Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and each must play a part."

I might as well run off and get a hat with the jangling freakin' bells and those curly-ass shoes...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/30/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Dissolving

 

The sleepy lurk of watching the

waves push the seaweed back and

down, and in and out and around

and up. Sometimes I crawl into

the green soft home of its slimy

embrace and let myself drift

and dissolve. Like a pellet of salt

burning and blowing apart in the calm

here, below the up above.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/30/2006:

> Hello!

> I was recently elected to the board of directors of the Poetry Center of

> Chicago! The Poetry Center is a formidable Chicago arts organization with a long

> history in the literary scene and it is experiencing significant growth. And,

> although I made it clear that I did not have the deep pockets to shell out

> donation dollars, nor do I hang with folks who have deep pockets, I was humbly

> asked to periodically submit 10 names of people who might enjoy being kept

> abreast of events and receive occasional invitations.

>

> With your permission, I would like to pass along your contact info for

> invitations to these events. If that's OK with you, please send me your latest

> address if I don't have it. If it's not OK, or you already receive their

> information, let me know.

> Thanks,

> Emily

>

> Emily Calvo

> 2724 West Montrose

> Chicago, IL 60618

> 773-539-3736

> Cell: 708-227-8963

> emily@emilycalvo.com

Wow!

So look for Daily Limerick to be represented at Poetry Center of Chicago events! Just as soon as Hell freezes over!

Actually, it might take a bit longer than that... Make that just as soon as the Cubs win a World Series!

******

Daily Limerick has reached SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"! (as of July 12, 2006)...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2006:

In country, was lover of dogs.

Went urban and with ire I'm bogged

toward ill-trained damn hounds

hauled all around town...

Still love dogs--owners should be flogged.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2006:

You may have noticed (but it's perfectly understandable if you didn't) that a movement is afoot to cut the bathing suit portion from what were once dubbed "beauty pageants" (and now are called...who cares?)

We support this movement...as a mercy killing. Might as well eliminate the only reason for paying attention and let the pageants go the way of common courtesy...

Once again, heart-breaking events spurred our Chief Limericist (by the way, checking in, here) to abuse the S&Y Psychiatric Couch, with entries more likely to be of a personal nature lately, like some kinda run-of-the-mill blog (you know, the type that's actually NOT ashamed to call itself "blog")...so it's again in need of fumigation.

But I couldn't pass up this borderline nugget:

When you go through a breakup cum allegedly "friends" type thing, especially when you end up seeing/hanging-out with the perpetrator of the heart assault, a common form of useless advice from cohorts is on the order of, "Don't overthink things; go with your heart/gut/instinct/emotions."

As a Big Thinker--something I've tried to at least curtail all my life, with various levels of failure--I could certainly try harder to force a more from-the-gut action m.o. upon my life.

And if I somehow DID manage to become a "gut above reason" individual, there would certainly be a place for me in life. Right where all the others of such a persuasion exist in a civilized society...a place called "prison"...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/31/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Plastic Surgery Haiku II

 

Technical term for

Cleavage between enhanced breasts:

Silicone valley

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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