Daily Limerick
Archives: June 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 6/1/2006:

Feature journalists throw around "funnyman"

even when term is not on the money, man.

Bruce Vilanch and the like?

Need to license term--crikes!

'Cause he's beyond all wet--he's damn runny, man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/1/2006:

Headline:

"Bus Carrying 26 Senior Citizens Hit on I-57"

Now you have the background. What concerns us more, however, is its deck:

"17 People Taken to Hospitals with Back, Neck Pain"

So... A bus full of seniors is beset with back and neck pain--and that's NEWS?...

Such a fine line between gentleman and putz.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/1/2006:

MySpace.

Pffft.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/2/2006:

Adam Sandler? 'Bout that new flick...

more fart-joke-filled rubbish called "Click"?

That's plot Benny Hill

explored to its fill

in short sketch--ya' half-funny prick!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/2/2006:

Starbucks now has breakfast sandwiches.

For all those who feel they're not being overcharged enough as part of their morning routine...

So a husband in Malaysia, under wifely investigation for infidelity, chopped off his penis.

This is officially a trend now.

Nutty, isn't it? Or, well, perhaps non-nutty, by definition.

Then again... Not sure the nutty part was, er... Ahem.

We would rather read about this sort of thing than other trends like, say, "American Idol" watching, however.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/2/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Misguided Youth (Well, Their Fans, anyway)

Chief Limericist/Worst Music Critic in the History of the Universe checking in, here.

I'm sure Misguided Youth is a wonderful band. But, as you may have guessed, that's not what I'm gonna tell you about here.

Their fans make hitting a show worth it and perhaps you'll enjoy the music, to boot.

I host these live music/variety shows in Chicago (see Sloop Central) and Misguided Youth played one fairly recently. We give away prizes with this game-showesque shtick and recruit members of the audience as "contestants."

Misguided Youth had some hot dames in their crowd--and they'd come up two or three at a time as game show "teams" and get all touchy-feely with me. One promised me a hummer on mic (no further details available at press time), which paved the way for another recent show wherein a foxy dame not only screamed "I love anal!" but also saw fit to mention that the best lube for anal sex is, in her opinion, saliva.

I didn't know Howard Stern's show was contagious, but somebody in Misguided Youth's crowd evidently passed its, er, savoir faire to us.

http://www.myspace.com/misguidedyouth

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/3/2006:

There once was a horned-up galoot

who had self-control of a brute.

Hot chick'd merely kiss 'em

and up'd well the jism

with his special One-Gun Salute!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/3/2006:

A new study finds that, when presented with the statement, "It is better to get married than go through life single," 66 percent of men and 51 percent of women agree.

Nonetheless, it is still socially acceptable to stereotype each and every man as "afraid of commitment."

In case you haven't already figured it out, pesky facts have no effect on such things.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/4/2006:

Now Starbucks, that hip coffee trough,

has breakfast 'wich plan that's aloft.

Now fool yuppie buyers

can feel status higher'd

if each morn, they're tad more ripped-off.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/4/2006:

A Keystone Center report finds that, if restaurant portions are made smaller, our obesity levels will assuage.

I remember feeling amazed and more than a bit bewildered when, as a little kid, I learned that most breeds of pet fish, if overfed, will eat until they literally stuff themselves to death. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

We like to THINK of ourselves as being on a higher level than "lesser" animals, don't we?...

This just in: Blondie is a "punk" act.

Yup. Read it in a newspaper.

Sure glad the Music Industry gets the word out on these things. We would've never guessed...

We saw a large woman on the train Friday with a half-eaten, McDonald's hamburger in her hand.

And she had nodded off.

Now, we ask you: How can one possibly snooze in the middle of eating a delicious hamburger?

Hmmm.

You know, this somehow has become a slice of modern-life vignette, no?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/4/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Phantom TV

I have recently discovered that I have a Phantom TV.

Perhaps it recently became a Phantom TV, just possessed by some sort of sitcom poltergeist, or perhaps I've only noticed as of late. But it's a Phantom TV, alright.

I've never had a remote for this model--my ex-wife was in the hotel business, so we received it when some upscale flophouse bought a new fleet of hypnotic boxes and got rid of the old (the remote getting lost in the process). This is no big deal with modern cords and the cable box, as far as changing channels is concerned, but it does mean that you have to physically push the "Power" button. (Well, there's likely a way to hook that up through another remote but if far from a techie--and take a good look at this site, if you need proof.)

The power button has always been touchy. You go to turn the TV on and it clicks on and off immediately (accidentally, it seems, having "hit" the button twice due to its sensitivity). But a couple of weeks ago, upon returning home from a weekend out-of-town, I heard a TV blaring from somebody's unit in my building.

"Kinda rude," I thought, until I reached my door and realized the blaring was from within my abode. At first, I thought the TV was being watched (or just left on) by my less-than-genius renter/roommate but... Upon entering, I saw that he wasn't home.

At first, I thought the renter/roomie was just being...well, himself, having left for the weekend (as is his habit) and forgetting the TV. But later that same night... I heard the TV come on by itself. And have many times since.

There may be a scientific explanation--humidity, what-have-you. But it is DL/S&Y's official policy to jump to radical conclusions.

So... I have a Phantom TV.

Send nude pics in lieu of flowers or exorcists.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/4/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Matsuko taken home

 

We moved Matsuko's bones from the ashes

into a white urn. Two of us at a time

balancing her young remains between our chopsticks.

The crematorium attendant pointed out

which of her was her feet, her legs, her ribs.

Her hands, her arms, her shoulders, her skull.

Burned down to little fragments,

each delicate and defined and unknown to us, and

well-known to him.

 

He was unmoved by the tragedy,

unmoved but respectful. This was part of his job.

He had seen too many dead

to ponder that they were once alive.

We had seen many who had died, too. Our family was large.

We pondered our loss without parting the curtain

and felt both full and empty like a river without fish.

 

When the urn was nearly filled,

we lifted Buddha in gray-brown bone out of her ashes.

Out of her, we placed Him on top of the pile. We thought about

what this meant, to have Him living in our throats.

 

Laying a white cloth over the urn, we tied it on.

We took her up -- heavy and so light, too light.

We did not speak as we left the room. Back out

into the sunlight. Where the steps leading down

the verdant lawn to our black cars were lightly snowed,

though it was not winter, and though it was.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/5/2006:

New study finds smaller meal portions

can assuage our obese contortions.

As youth, lost my breath

hear'n fish eat to death--

but seems people have the same fortune!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/5/2006:

There's a new book out called "Intelligent Thought," in which well-known authors "refute the 'intelligent design' movement."

So, they actually bother refuting it. Effectively validating it.

We thought intelligent design did the job of refuting itself quite adequately...

Isn't what they call a "halfway house" more properly a "quarter-way house," or perhaps a "10 percent of the way house"...or even a "couple-of-steps-in-the-right-direction-anyway house," when you really think about it?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/5/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Low Carb Haiku

 

My psychiatrist

Went on the Atkins diet

How my shrink has shrunk!

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/6/2006:

Oh look--today's date's 6-6-6!

Some feel this will bring Devil's tricks

but practic'lly speaking

the soul evil wreaking

is date used to shill some lame flick!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/6/2006:

So, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is "recommending" that restaurants post nutritional information charts for every item they serve.

You know. Just like they do on most food products. So consumers can glace at the chart and feel a bit better about themselves before ignoring it...

The State of Illinois now has a registry for convicted makers of meth labs. For use after they have served their time and become "rehabilitated."

It's similar to the currently hit sex offender registries. Only the sex offender registries are for tracking sex offenders because they cannot be rehabilitated and need to be released from prison to make room for nonviolent drug offenders--and the meth labber registries are for... Hmm.

Witchhunts have come a long way since Salem!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/7/2006:

FDA thinks rest'rants should post

info on each entree they boast--

nutritional data

so folks scarfing platters

can pause for a brief glance, at most!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/7/2006:

"Intermittent Explosive Disorder."

No, its not a form of diarrhea. It's allegedly what road ragers and Russell Crowes "suffer" from.

Saw a news story on this quoting IED "expert" Dr. Emil Coccora: "These people aren't jerks."

And you know? He's right. "Jerk" doesn't tell the whole story.

"Flaming assholes" is a much more appropriate moniker.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/7/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Burritos & Love

You know damn well that the Chief Limericist (checking in, here) is waxing misty when we use an ampersand! (A bit decadent otherwise, those ampersands.)

I remember when I first heard about the burrito. I was in Southern California with the family as a youngster, sometime in the '70s, visiting cousins. I remember it because at first I thought I overheard my aunt suggesting she, my uncle and my parents should get "Doritos" for lunch.

How wrong I was! And how my life was about to change--may times for the better--in discovering one of the world's all-time greatest foods, The Burrito.

Through the burrito, we can find peace on earth. In this age of immigrant bashing, perhaps all these knucklehead Minutemen need is to be given a bite of the delicious wonder in a tortilla. To be reminded: "How can a people who invented such a delightful meal be that bad?"

And it only starts there. Somebody's bashing black folks? Have them taste some ribs or fried chicken and appreciate diversity! Someone rippin' into Asians? Pass 'em some pork fried rice or a teriyaki steak! Someone basing Middle Easterners... Well, you get the idea. Even the English have fish and chips!

There. We've done our part for Peace on Earth. Don't blame us when WWIII breaks out. We'll be cookin' up some lamb vindaloo.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/8/2006:

Thought them pop that merely half-stunk;

but media says Blondie's "punk."

Guess industry labels

exist so its able

to hip-up execs' Chosen Junk.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/8/2006:

Some poor schlub near Lee, Mass. lined-up a hot air balloon ride to propose to his chick.

Clever idea, we'll admit, but things didn't go as planned for Mark Papkey. He did end up asking Holly Barnes to marry him. And she did indeed say "yes." But that all happened after the balloon went off course and they ended up in an adventure that had them huddling against a tree for warmth when darkness came.

Having a bit of writer's block for S&Y today, we thought this was as good a prompt as any to let you know that the first porn flick owned by our Chief Limericist featured a memorable scene in a hot air balloon.

And... Well, a couple embarking on marriage after a clever proposal idea went horribly, terribly wrong?... There's some sort of relevant metaphor here...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/9/2006:

They call it "Explosive Disorder"

when anger goes over the border--

pissed to, say, road rage.

Fits "victim, go!" age--

for real victims here, term's distorter.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/9/2006:

Headline:

"House Votes 379-35 to Raise Indecency Fine"

Only 35 voted against the bill?

Where's partisanship when you actually need it?...

The Highway Loss Data Institute finds that the Cadillac Escalade was the automobile most likely to be stolen last year.

Thieves must be getting upscale, considering they have to fill up the tank on an Escalade two or three times after swiping it just to get it home...

Headline:

"Fed: Brothers Evaded Millions in State Tobacco Taxes"

And with that money, the brothers... Let's just say they have a history among the Palestinians in Israel. Surmise, stereotype and you'll figure it out.

Funny how the American Health Taliban ends up fueling its namesake Mid Eastern cousins in the end, no?...

Speaking of the American Health Taliban, I saw Chicago 14th Ward Alderman Ed Burke in an alley the other day. Thought perhaps he was just taking a short cut but, when it seemed he was dilly-dallying, I hid behind a garbage can to see what was going down.

I heard the "zip" from the undoing of his pants and it was only then that I noticed the goat.

"Oooh, take THAT!" he screeched.

It was only then that I noticed that he was...well, engaging in relations of a sort with the goat.

"And take THAT THRUST for that damn Daily Limerick for giving me an American Taliban award! Can I help it that citizens refuse to live the proper lifestyle? Oooohhh... Smoking? Despite all the health warnings? Despite our propaganda assault via the fantasy of secondhand smoke?.... Ahhhh... Whoops, my little dickie keeps slippin' out..."

It was only then that I noticed Burke was banging a MALE goat.

"And now it's goin' back in--with the first pump for folks makin' fun of me for seeking to protect smokers from themselves even in SMOKING EMPORIUMS--damn loopholes! Don't they know, damnit, that WE know what's best for them? So I guess WE have to take over people's lifestyles to PROTECT THEM FROM THEMSELVES!... Ummph.... Can't expect everyone to have the golden wisdom of a big city alderman!"

Burke then backed up from the goat, fell to his knees, climbed underneath the animal and jacked it off all over his pompous glasses.

"And now, as threatened in City Council meetings, I'm going after cooking oil! If you unimportant pawns won't stop eating dangerous things like French fries, despite the pronouncements from us all-knowing types, well have to stop ya'!"

That turned into quite an afternoon stroll.

Oh, and then Burke saw a young schoolboy eating Oreos--with trans fat, you know--bent the kid over, unzipped again and... Well, that's a story for another day.

Tell Ed what you think about 'em: eburke@cityofchicago.org

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/9/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Great Perhaps

Hmm. Why do I bother?... (Worst Music Critic on Earth checking in, here.) Anyway, my notes say The Great Perhaps is heavy rockin', in a melodic, in-their-prime Rolling Stones kinda way. Not to mention back-and-forth vocal harmonies.

("Back-and-forth"?)

Anyway: http://www.thegreatperhaps.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/10/2006:

A fella in town rather small

misdialed making a booty call

but callee did know 'em

said, "Come by!" and showed 'em

that wrong numbers can be a ball.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/10/2006:

We finally got 'em!

Who-hoo, we knew he had it comin'! One doesn't pull off a hideous crime like that and get away with it... Huh? ZARQAWI? Not bin Laden?

Oh.

Cancel that elation.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 6/11/2006:

While whole world is jazzed for World Cup

U.S. scratches head, says "WHAT'S up?"

Will catch on, they've teased,

since the '70s

but OUR "football" kicks Euro's duff!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/11/2006:

President Bush said Iran has "weeks, not months" to accept the latest incentives for curbing its nuclear program.

No mention of "days."

It's a kinder, gentler kinda tough. "Compassionate hardass-ism,' if you will...

Wendy's has announced that it will be the first of the Big Three fast food joints to change cooking oils, using a new fangled type that has no trans fats.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, as delightful as Wendy's burgers are, we need to boycott them. Teach the we-know-what's-best-for-you, American Health Taliban elitists a lesson--that sales will go down when you screw with the tasty burgers that anybody with a brain doesn't expect to be healthy.

However, we will admit that Wendy's is the natural member of the Big Three to attempt this pussy-assed maneuver first. While their burgers are the best in the biz, the fries could hardly get much worse...

Take a look around you, whenever you're somewhere that hipsters congregate.

Then ask yourself, "Why does iPod even BOTHER advertising?"...

DL/S&Y has long maintained that the human race is de-evolving. In brief:

A brilliant scientist not only has a difficult time meeting and making time with women, but should he marry a woman of his intellectual caliber, they're certain to have fertility problems. Meanwhile, near Neanderthals roaming hip urban bars and/or trailer parks are too dumb to overanalyze courtship, have no problems getting laid and are also generally fertile as a Nile delta.

Thus, ancient scripture was in the ballpark but nonetheless got it wrong:

The STUPID shall inherit the earth.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/11/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Bangin' Lots of Chicks is Cliche

Well, quite an, er...interesting title today, no?

Here's where this came from:

A month or so back I (Chief Limericist checking in, here) met this dame at one of the music/variety shows I emcee who was, as they say, a wild one. She talked with me a bit and I told her to e-mail me through this site, as I am wont to do with possible fans and especially those who are female and attractive.

Unlike...well, the rest of the chicks I've asked this of, she actually DID e-mail me. And I e-mailed back. Etc., etc. And things turned rather spicy, rather quick. But there was one hitch in this case--I have a girlfriend, am happy in that situation and, in general, am not one to cheat. (Plus, a girl this over-the-top kinda scares me to begin with, so I'd probably chicken-out even if I were single.)

So I ended up coming clean to the dirty-e girl and told her that we should probably knock off the dirty e-mailing because I have a girlfriend and thus this little thing would never go beyond the e-level--and I didn't want to lead her on. Which touches upon the whole reason for even prompting attractive women to e-mail me through the site--fishing and throwing the catch back. I suppose a part of me fantasizes I COULD turn into some sorta promiscuous type and I like toying with the concept, in the same way I enjoy reading those "massage" and "adult services" ads although I'd never utilize 'em.

Well, Ms.-e claimed that it was cool that I was a "decent guy" and asked if I'd mind if she continued corresponding. I agreed, thinking she wouldn't really continue. But she did and things got dirty again and, this time, she upped the ante, eventually more or less offering a threesome and even foursome and/or moresome.

Believe it or not. I don't, entirely, as I don't completely believe that threesomes exist, outside of porn and ridiculously priced prostitution. One possible explanation I have for this situation is that Ms.-e is a madam, although I don't suppose the oldest industry on earth generally needs to trick guys into becoming new customers. (This reasoning is my own personal version of "Intelligent Design"--grasping at straws because the logic behind somebody actually landed a threesome is too much for my little reality to comprehend or explain.)

Anyway, all of this caused inner conflict of the sort that goes back to the playground, for me. "You're a total schmuck if you don't take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!"; "Shut up, Irrational Inner Voice--we've been over this zillions of times: It doesn't matter that taking such action could make me appear 'cool' to others--I'm more than happy with my chickie and I couldn't even enjoy such a thing with all the guilt, plus I'd have to turn around immediately and confess!"

Now, to get back to titular matters: All of this got me thinkin', "Isn't it actually cliche for writers, artists, what-have-you to build reputations for bangin' loads of chicks? And don't I, myself, find the stories of folks like Poe and Roger Waters--pathetically dysfunctional in their limited dealings with women--to be far more interesting and mysterious?"

So there you go. Having sex with all sorts of women is cliche and unoriginal. And some day, I may even convince myself of that.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/11/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Their savings could be yours

 

When the okay was given, you began your work,

fleecing the elderly out of their savings.

Who gave the okay, exactly, for you to leave the aged

close to penniless, to use their senility to advance

your wealth? They are struggling with confusion,

lying in healthcare beds, easy to open up and shuck out

with a well-placed phone call pretending concern.

 

Who gave the okay? Not just your

supervisor, kid. How would you answer that question

on the day you were disgraced? Your face flashing on TVs,

flushed and arrogant, or humble. But

increasingly scared, as much as you will it away. What's

going to happen to my life now? you might think.

Will they spit on my wife at the supermarket?

Will they ridicule my children too innocent to know?

 

Receiving the subpoena, you might contemplate

suicide, or stare into the mirror, or you might just

lay in bed, your body wracked with sobs

and your mind closing down around you. How will you answer

what they ask? You've never felt so weak and alone, so apart

from your family, as much as you will it away. And you might think,

Who gave the okay for me to feel such loss of control?

 

Then a member of the committee grilling you breaks through

the personal tragedy swirling around in your head. He turns

toward his microphone and says,

"Sir, please answer the question."

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 30 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/12/2006:

When first I heard news, I though "Wowie!"

We'd finally struck fatal owie

on Big Terrorist!

Bin Laden got fist?

Oh no, we just got damn Zarqawi.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/12/2006:

Everybody's riding Britney Spears' ass about that Federline schmo--saying that she married downward, etc.

But aren't their "careers" at about the same level right now?...

TV listing:

"A&E Rock Paper Scissors Championship"

Ahem.

I was JOKING when I said that soon we'd tune in to see grass growing under the name of "reality" TV.

KIDDING...

I have one thing to ask of our increasingly lame...er, increasingly sensitive and civilized society, what with just about everything we used to rip into people over being labeled a "disorder" and all... Please:

Let us always be clear to make fun of the stupid. I know that one can argue that they, too, can't really help it. DNA, heredity, blah blah blah but... Please.

Please?

I'm highly prejudiced. Against the stupid.

And proud of it...

Don't you love it when a friend or acquaintance of yours is "cutting back," on cigarettes or...what have you, and you're supposed to be all proud of them when they announce that "I haven't bought any" in such and such a time... But that only translates into them mooching the smokes, etc., off of you?

And did I mention that you're supposed to be all proud and supportive of them?

Don't you just love that to death?

Don't ya'?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/12/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cleansing Haiku

 

Preparation for

Colonoscopy will knock

The shit out of you

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 29 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/13/2006:

Today, judgment just ain't allowed

on genes with which folks are endowed.

But please, P.C.'s Cupid

just don't shoot The Stupid

'cause 'gainst them I'm prej'diced--and proud!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/13/2006:

An American Medical Association committee is advocating for a "Soda Tax."

You know, to fight obesity with the money and all. Small tax. Not the type of thing that politicians' budgets will get addicted to.

And not the sort of fee that will just keep on snowballing and, teamed up with propaganda, eventually enjoy immediate and unquestioned public approval by slapping a Scarlet Letter G (for Guilt) on soft drink users. Not one of those levies that will have anti-personal responsibility lawyers circle jerking with attorneys general in the not-so-distant future. And certainly not the type of tax that will only open the door for more "shame on you!" taxes, like on fast food burgers, ice cream, TV (which, after all, prevents one from exercising)...

Speaking of matters medical, here's a quote from a Chicago Sun-Times story by Jim Ritter:

"Doctors are drawing attention to an emerging environmental worry--pollution of lakes and rivers by drugs flushed down toilets."

And as soon as they figure out a way to make the fish and other wildlife pay for those drugs, the Pharmaceutical Industry unveils Plan B in its quest to addict the world! Moo-hoo-haw-haw!

******

COUNTDOWN: 28 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/14/2006:

The AMA floats taxing soda

(which helps meet its Big Mother quota).

Who'd win? Politicians--

when budgets go fishin'

'cause pork's spent the last tax iota.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/14/2006:

There's a movement these days against circumcision Don't recall if S&Y has weighed in on this, so here goes:

Perhaps you've heard these nuts. Whining that their ex-wives are "mutilating" their boys by having the foreskin snipped. Wanting to be all "natural." Bitching that the traditionally assumed health benefits of circumcision aren't necessarily legitimate.

Yo, whacktoast:

Chicks make fun of guys who are unsnipped. Really. So do your sons a favor and DON'T curse them by giving dames yet another reason to avoid a roll in the future sack!

Plus, you'll confused the hell outta the lil' bastard when the playground breaks down into "shirts and skins"...

MTV has a show called, "Sucker Free."

Don't know anything about it, but we still don't understand why they'd want to alienate their chief demographic...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/14/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Food Window Shopping

Just around the corner from one of the music venues I oft emcee shows in, there is a Korean restaurant. It bears the exotically ethnic name of...Hamburger King. But that's deceptive, as it appears to be one of the culinary wonders of the universe (if I may exaggerate a tad--and  I may, being the Chief Limericist and owner of this Web site, nyah nyah!).

Unfortunately, music shows tend to take place late at night and this restaurant closes by early evening. So I have never tasted HK's wonders. But it has a menu full of delights posted its window, highlighted with Korean specialties--many shown for the potential diner in accompanying photographs, which we at DL/S&Y overwhelmingly encourage--and including... Typical diner stuff. Breakfasts, too.

But, for some crazy reason, they offer kielbasa and eggs, a splendorous combination that I've had a difficult time finding in any restaurant (though I wouldn't think to go lookin' at a Korean joint).

Point is... I engage in Food Window Shopping with Hamburger King. Whenever I have a show at this particular venue, I'm drawn in. There's something satisfying about Food Window Shopping.

Hamburger King, of course, is just one example of my Food Window Shopping hobby. Sometimes I indulge when I feel I shouldn't be spending the cash eating out but nonetheless wanna ogle some offerings. Sometimes, I'm not that hungry, or in a hurry, or in a new neighborhood and just interested in the area's culinary offerings.

I can't help myself. As M'Lady has said, my religion is Foodism.

Man. Food is so cool.

******

COUNTDOWN: 27 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/15/2006:

A new low for "reality"--

"Rock Paper Scissors"--A&E!

I s'pose that it's fitting

but I was just kidding

say'n we'd watch grass grow as TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/15/2006:

My newspaper yesterday carried a photo of a streaker--and a she-streaker, thank God!--who interrupted an Australian rugby game.

The photo only made the general interest-targeting Chicago Sun-Times because the "streaker" was wearing a bikini.

Hmm. So now even streakers are... Hmm.

We're not sure who to thank first. Girly man Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Congress, half the population that needs to get laid good and dirty real soon...

Headline concerning a meeting of the American Medical Association:

"Doctors Push Mandatory Health Insurance"

This is as good a time as any for DL/S&Y to apologize for being whack-job alarmists through our oft trumpeted belief that a Big Mother movement is afoot to protect us from ourselves...

Stephen Hawking spoke recently and said that, in order to save ourselves, long term, humanity needs to find a home beyond earth, among the stars.

Although since at least the advent science fiction, this has been assumed by the reasonably intelligent minority, it's a great thing that somebody in Hawking's position came forth and said it, so that we'll perhaps take the idea more seriously...

Headline:

"Katrina Funds Used for Football Tickets"

Then again, there's something to be said for the idea of the "Captains" going down with the ship...

Give a man a fish and he eats for the night.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Give an idiot a fish and he lets it rot in the refrigerator while his lazy ass microwaves Spaghetti-Os and whips up Kraft mac and cheeze every night...

Oh, and you can't teach an idiot to fish.

That line of the wise parable is optional.

******

COUNTDOWN: 26 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/16/2006:

Saw a news pic of fine Aussie streaker

(who, by def, shouldn't wear more than sneakers)

but she wore...a bikini?

Hey, pic tickled my weenie

but hope 'gainst Disney'd world grows yet bleaker.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/16/2006:

The U.S. military, with help from Canada (and possibly others), is engaging in a big offensive against Afghan Taliban militants and calling it Operation Mountain Thrust.

Perhaps to be followed with Operation Pearl Necklace...

Bruce Springsteen is touring in support of his Pete Seeger project.

Reminder: Seeger was a big pro blue-collar, pro average worker and union kinda guy.

Springsteen's Milwaukee show hit the Bradley Center. A non-union venue.

And his Chicago-area show hit Tinley Park's (Ill.) First Midwest Bank Ampitheatre.

Hey! You have the right to express dissent in America!

Of course, in order to have that dissent heard, you need first to conform...

Headline from Chicago Tribune e-mail update:

"MASS APPEAL? Bishops may alter the words of mass to make them more faithful to the original Latin text"

Just what the Catholic Church needs: To go BACKWARD in time, as they're just too darn hip-to-the-modern these days...

We love the term "homo."

Not P.C., of course. Perhaps insensitive, silly P.C./un-P.C. rules aside.

But it's just funny.

Hey, we don't think the "n-word" is funny. Nor chink, spic, fag... Well, "darkie" is kinda giggle-worthy.

Okay. Enough on that topic...

Saw an ad for "double hung windows" in my newspaper.

It's a good thing Paris Hilton doesn't read newspapers. If she did, well... Ahem--

DL/S&Y presents: Make your own joke!...

Summer reminder:

Carefully consider whether or not to spend time and/or money on those Fairs and Festivals that will be dotting your city/suburban streets until September.

Take Chicago's Blues Fest and its Taste of Chicago as an example:

You can go to a number of blues clubs to see many of the acts in the festival, and dine at any of the same restaurants, any other days or nights of the year--for far more reasonable prices and a full menu selection!

Unless, of course, you enjoy the added perk of inebriated, sweaty suburbanites bumping into and spilling their beer on you.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/16/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The True Cubicles

The True Cubicles are delightfully silly. A They Might Be Giants-ish band, with a gritty, Devo-like edge. They have a keyboard and computer-supplemented system of making music--but, unlike many others fitting that bill, they know the rules of music enough to get away with "cheating."

Oh, and here's a lyrical excerpt: "I'm the pan and you're the potato."

What more could you ask for?

http://www.thetruecubicles.com

******

COUNTDOWN: 25 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/17/2006:

A judge found his court in disorder

when hot nympho, young court reporter

went down 'neath his robe--

he grabbed her earlobes

and issued her a non-gag order.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/17/2006:

It's 90 degrees out and, boy oh boy! Who isn't in the mood to see the finals of both our WINTER sports in the brisk air of FREAKIN' MID-TO-LATE JUNE???

******

COUNTDOWN: 24 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/18/2006:

It's summer--the season for shorts

and barbecue--things of that sort.

And beach attitude

sure brightens the mood

for sprawling-playoff'd winter sports!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/18/2006:

This just in:

Hans Blix still has a job.

That same job, too--nuclear weapons, U.N.

I suppose he needn't worry about future career options anyway--as long as there's the U.S. Postal Service...

Chicago Public School students have released their annual "Adult Report Cards," in which they "grade" parents, their own and others', on "subjects" such as setting an example, being involved in politics, etc.

This is all very cute and crap, sure. But...considering that only 15 percent or so of you inner-city school kids will graduate achieving more than a second grade reading level, why should we CARE about your opinions?...

Headline:

"Alderman Fails to Calm Rage Over Adult Store"

This story is not out of God's Wrath, Kansas.

It's out of Chicago.

And NOT a suburb.

The city.

We at DL/S&Y have already thanked girly man Timberlake, Janet Jackson and the U.S. Jesus Freak contingent within the week for this sort of thing running rampant so... Not sure what to add.

Just think of us as you shiver in fear...

The Recording Industry Association of America is now issuing awards for ring tones.

That's really what the Music Industry needs right now--more awards for the handful of here-today, gone-tomorrow "artists" allowed to shine by the group monopoly.

Really.

Oh, and don't forget that illegal downloading is what's responsible for the Industry's financial retardation as of late.

Really...

Censorship's a bad thing, right? I think we and most Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers can agree on that. And it's a bad thing because it entails government meddling in speech, arts and culture, right?

But don't government grants and cultural centers and such do the same thing--meddle in speech, arts and culture? Funny, you don't hear much complaining about them. But aren't there inherent dangers, perhaps more subtle and less directly threatening than the perceived "negative" meddling, involved?

Hmm?

Perhaps you need to think on that for a bit.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/18/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Gifts of the Mud-in-Your-Eye

I'm not sure the title of today's edition makes sense, but couldn't resist a pun on "Gift of the Magi," and "Here's mud in your eye!" is a popular toast, which could accompany a birthday or some such event heralding gifts so... Ahem.

Oh--Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I have a history of receiving...odd gifts, I guess you'd say. Most years, I submit many choices for birthday and Christmas "wish lists" of sorts--and being an adult and all, I try to beef these lists with fun stuff, like games or books or what-have-you, because we adults tend to get boring clothes, colognes and the like--and I end up getting... Well, I'm sticking with "odd."

One year, my sister bought me a stapler. We were youngsters then, sure, but... A stapler? (My sister is notorious for...odd gifts, I must admit--and not just those given to me, although I seem to often get the worst of it--or the silliest of it, or whatever.) Last year for Christmas, I received a "gift package," of sorts, from my parents and sister, including a remote controlled, farting teddy bear (defective, to boot), a T-shirt emblazoned with "Nobody listens to me unless I fart" and a pair of boxers bearing the label "Bear Butt."

A butt/gas-related Christmas. And, no, I'm not known for flatulence (any more than the next guy, anyway) or butt-related whatevers.

However for my last birthday, my nephews, 4- and 6-years-old, randomly breezed through snack and candy aisles to put together their own gift package for me, somehow managing to buy me a bunch of snacks that I may have picked-up myself. And we're not talking "givens" here--peanut butter cups, etc., that most everybody seems to love--but salt & vinegar Pringles, a pickled hot snack sausage, those gummy-ish raspberry candies... Amazing.

Perhaps some study is in order into how males of a certain family seem to bond on the level of food through an instinct of sorts.

Or perhaps my nephews just didn't inherit that screwed-up gift gene from my sister.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/18/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The salty taste of staying healthy

 

Pumpkin seeds. My roommate told me if I eat them

I will lower my risk of prostate cancer. I can't

even image it, later in my life. A swollen, painful

lower organ that would need cutting out. Later in my life.

 

Frequently I see an exclamation point and I think

a period would do the job better. It would be a subterranean

reckoning. No trashed hotel rooms or slammed down

phones:

 

a simple cut, slow to mend; or a refrain

from a poem you won't remember reading.

 

You'd feel its power from what you added to it later,

reappearing as a flame from an extinct match, intact yet changed.

As you were driving home, trees slicing by on the left and right,

your recollection would guide you to the core of the song.

 

(your heart)

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 23 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/19/2006:

Stephen Hawking says the Human Race

should take next step and colonize space.

Big dreams help us to cope, yes--

though at least we'd be hopeless

on new worlds, for a doomed change of pace!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/19/2006:

Journalist cliche alert:

The phrase: "Living on the edge."

Drop it. Drop it NOW...

Ah! The temperature dropped a little, warm but not oppressive...the light breeze is beyond refreshing...I'm in pretty much perfect health...the birds are singing--

And I feel like complete and utter hell.

Ahem. Chief Limericist checking in, here. But mindful of the Couch...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/19/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Screw You Haiku

A sexually

Dysfunctional couple

Loved making ninety-six

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 22 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/20/2006:

Ring tones are the latest award

to help Music Industry whore

same handful of acts

with staying pow'r lax--

downloading's (right) why profits snore.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/20/2006:

Headline:

"More Army Recruits Have Records"

And if they don't, the armed services seem to be a great way to develop one lately, doesn't it?...

Aw, c'mon! Just a joke!

Support the troops, damn the war! Support the troops, damn the war!...

Another headline:

"Florida Cycle Deaths Up Since Repeal of Helmet Law"

DL/S&Y Assessment:

So?

Cyclists' own decisions. Leave us alone, Big Mother...

Saw a "Help Wanted" ad seeking--

"Lube Rack Attendants"

And, just last week, we used up our "pearl necklace" punchline on Operation Mountain Thrust...

******

COUNTDOWN: 21 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/21/2006:

"Guys" movement says boys' circumcision

is boy-"mutilating" incision

but chicks dig 'em skinless

so lives carnal sin-less

await boys 'neath skewed "nat'ral" vision.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/21/2006:

This excerpt from a Letter to the Editor in yesterday's Chicago Sun-Times, commenting on Stephen Hawking's recent contention that we should start colonizing space for the long-term survival of mankind, highlights the problem with the extremist (aka "nutball") wing of the environmentalist movement:

"...[I]t is certain that if mankind irresponsibly destroys planet Earth, it is inevitable that we would decimate any and all space colonies."

See, it doesn't matter if there are a zillion other planetary wildlife preserves in the universe without humans to bother them.

What matters to these people is that the human race dies off.

Jewish guilt ain't got nothin' on these cats...

I keep reading about how everybody is on the case of Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker because the Cubs aren't doing so well.

As has been the case for about a century now.

Which leads us to DL/S&Y's business tip for the Cubs organization:

Since you're never, EVER gonna win a World Series, regardless of who you have as manager (or players, for that matter), why not truly do your loserness up? You know, kind of a "reverse Harlem Globetrotters"!

Get, say, Howard Stern, or Conrad Bain, or that Insult Comic Dog, etc. to "manage" the team. Make a spectacle of the Cubs--or should we say, a DIFFERENT spectacle. Make it so that the rest of the world is laughing WITH you for a change, instead of laughing AT you!

For players... Well, Ricky Martin's out of a job--and who cares if he (or other Cubs "players") can even play! It's hopeless, so might as well have some fun with it. Hell, you could tie in a reality series to the cause. Next guy booted form Big Brother? Shortstop for the Cubs!

E-us for more on this, ya' ol' stodgy, cheap bastard Tribune Company.

We've always wanted to get into this mysterious, high-paying, low-working field of "consultants"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/21/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Lost Art of Grocery Can Stacking

Whatever happened to those immaculately stacked pyramids of cans in grocery stores?

Don't you miss 'em?

Why don't you grocers bring 'em back? It's no wonder I never catch any good, madcap hijinx at the grocery store anymore! Why, what kinda target is there left for an anthropomorphic weasel on a skateboard or a senior citizens busload amid errant banana peels?...

******

COUNTDOWN: 20 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/22/2006:

You've gotta admire MTV

'cause "M" now stands for "Marketing"

and they're alienating

prime demo by slating

a show boldly called "Sucker Free."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/22/2006:

So North Korea is threatening to test a missile with alleged capacity to reach the U.S. West Coast and, naturally, the U.S. and world community, especially North Korean neighbors such as Japan, are skeptical yet, nonetheless, understandably, freaking out.

And the U.N. is issuing threats of its own: "sanctions."

Those, of course, have always worked so well in the past...

Well, HAVEN'T they?...

Okay. So... Really, have sanctions EVER worked?...

Let's play a little fill-in-the-blank game with a news story out of Boston:

"Sen. Jarrett Barrios was outraged that his son, Nathaniel, a third-grader, was given BLANK at the King Open School in Cambridge."

Hmm... What could it be? Drugs? Condoms? Porn? Smokes?

The answer: "A Fluffernutter sandwich."

Still have hope for the human race?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/22/2006:

> listings@poetz.com has invited you to join the poetz group!

Whaddaya think, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Should we join?

For once in your depraved little lives, sound off! It's almost our freakin' birthday!

Pfft.

******

COUNTDOWN: 19 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/23/2006:

Senate bill'd mandate sports stars' drug-testin'

(as diversion, pols' interest's there vestin').

If SPORTS STARS are role models

then why is Congress coddled--

I say drug test them, too (and arrest 'em).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/23/2006:

Headline:

"Vets to Get Free Credit Monitoring"

Wow. The header alone would make it seem that the Bush Admin is finally expressing gratitude to veterans.

Until we read further and learned that this monitoring is only offered to Vets who had their personal info stolen under Veterans Affairs' watch.

Thus, these vets are only receiving the bare minimum they rightfully SHOULD receive in this instance.

Which, sadly, IS a step in the right direction...

Great Civil Rights Leader Moments:

1960s: Martin Luther King, Jr., leads boycott of Montgomery, Ala. bus system, which had demonized legions of poor and working class blacks.

2000s: Jay-Z leads boycott of... Cristal?

Can't imagine why common blacks feel left out of the modern Civil Rights movement...

"Movement" being the appropriate word, here...

Did we actually just identify Jay-Z as a civil rights leader?

Well, I guess there IS a constitutional right for all races and such to blow far too much money on status symbols in a pathetic attempt to make one's self feel worthwhile...

First marketing reference of the year to the Season, documented via Chicago Sun-Times headline June 22, 2006:

"Starbucks Prepares for Xmas"

Hey, it's ALMOST six months to the day. We're surprised the store aisles aren't all festived yet...

We've been thinking and have a follow-up, of sorts, to recent S&Y comments about environmentalist nutballs:

The kooks who would rather just have the Human Race die off, to "save" Mother Earth and all, don't have a logical basis behind their reasoning.

See, environmentalism is a noble movement--but the only reason to "save" the planet is to save Humanity.

Perhaps we should explain further:

The Earth has been through comet strikes, being knocked off its axis, ice ages, earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis the likes of which Humanity has hardly seen--you name it. And Earth has always come back.

Oddly enough, it takes much inordinate faith in the human race to think we could possibly kill the planet. Oh, we might cause horrendous climate change and all, which will kill US off... But the planet will come back without us.

Unless, of course, any minute now, Nature sends a gargantuan comet our way and destroys the Earth herself.

So there's a lot more reason to worry about us people than poor ol' Mother Earth.

Thus the truth is "inconvenient" to most of us our "best" thinking--but isn't everything, really?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/23/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Velvet Cadillacs

Pithy lyric'd nerd rock, I guess you'd call it. A bit like, oh, a Weezer, perhaps, if Weezer had a lot more talent, wasn't so damn annoying and didn't have a roster of songs that all pretty much sound alike. Oh, and the VCs have more instrumental variation--keyboards/synth, if I remember correctly. (By the way--World's Worst Music Critic checking in, here.)

I heard 'em play a song that was especially delightful called, "I Wish I Were Cool." (Actually, it was likely "I Wish I Was Cool," but we'll forgive the grammatical error due to overall lyrical merit.)

So... There you go:

http://www.velvetcadillacs.com

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/23/2006:

> SUBJECT: AOL is evil -- Cancel your account NOW!

Wow.

We wanna get in on this shocking warning game ourselves:

The KKK is evil -- Cancel your membership NOW!

******

COUNTDOWN: 18 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/24/2006:

A lonely ol' fellow, quite bland,

tried spicing things with one-night stand.

He brought home some girlie

said, "I must rise early"

then spent one more night with his hand.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/24/2006:

When asked if I wanted coffee and sugar, the race of the person serving me a coffee at the Krispy Kreme caused me to utter:

"No thanks, just bl... Er, just African-American, please."

******

COUNTDOWN: 17 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/25/2006:

Once, MLK's bus boycott thing

to poor blacks, improvements did bring.

Today, there's Jay-Z

and... Cristal? Guess we

have Constitu'shnal right to bling. (?)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/25/2006:

Headline concerning unrest in the Quagmire...er, in Operation Iraqi Freedom, or whatever euphemism its currently identified by:

"Insurgents with RPGs Target Troops Near Green Zone"

I wouldn't worry too much for our men and women in uniform, though. How fearsome can Role Playing Gamers really be?...

"Experts" and the like are howling about the movie "Cars," which features one of the car characters recklessly crossing a railroad track.

That's right. A make-believe, sentient car (as opposed to a real one), crossing a make-believe track in a make-believe world.

But these aren't make-believe "experts." Well... They aren't make-believe people, anyway.

Is teaching children "reality" from "fantasy" another thing that's just "soooo last century"?

Oh, that's right. The very nature of definitions has changed, thanks to "reality" TV...

White Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen is now saying that he will refuse the "sensitivity training" he's been sentenced to by Major League Baseball, which all resulted from his calling a Chicago Sun-Times columnist a "fag."

This could set a frightening precedent. I mean, if people start questioning the usefulness of the Sensitivity Industry, how will they continue to rake in obscene profits for having no effect on anything whatsoever--and where will Corporate America turn to for its victimless scapegoats?...

So Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake have broken up, correcting one of reality's haunting, dissonant notes by leaving one less piece of Primo Tail in the arms of a flaming girlie man--and an FGM who is a former boy-bander, no less, and thus undeserving of even semi-attractive tail, much less Primo Tail.

(Reminder: Daily Limerick...aw, what the hell, Chief Limericist checking in, here... Anyway, I don't actually expect to ever have any sort of a chance with Diaz, mind you--I'm not the type who keeps celebrity-worshipping tabloids in business and writes letters to entertainment columnists asking if Joe or Jane Celebrity is "single" while drooling into a tub o' ice cream in my Hoboken efficiency--but, just, on principle, would like to see Primo Tail with celebrity dudes I respect, or semi respect, or, well, at least aren't complete ridiculosities.)

The kicker here, though, is that Timberlake broke-up with Diaz.

Hmm.

Diaz, apparently, needs some straightening out.

And I'm just the one to do it! Why, I'll straighten her out, all right. Then I'll bend her over, and then I'll take those legs and... Ahem.

Perhaps we should just revel in the good news and leave it at that.

Although DL/S&Y is taking credit for this one!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 6/25/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: What a Wonderful World

So, here it is, Sunday again, and time, of course, for me, Chief Limericist, to check in with some touching, slice-of-life, "ain't life wonderful after all?" memory or what-have-you.

Regardless, mind you, of whether or not my own life has taken a turn toward the hellish and gut-wrenching. I'm still supposed to be all smiley-ass for you nogoodniks because you've come to expect some sappy-assed drivel jizzed upon this spot to brighten your Sunday alongside your morning coffee, or morning gin and tonic, or whatever it is you whacktoast ingest when you check in to DL.

Well screw you all, I say! Go to hell you scrunchpumps! It's not as if you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have ever done a damn thing for me.

So toss off! Leave me alone!

Pfft!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 6/25/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The shape of things to come

 

It's too hot and too bright out.

 

At JPL,

scientists in climate-controlled rooms

are hewing space objects

out of paper plans.

Their traveling robots

orbit above us, collecting data on the

shape of things to come.

 

How holy,

to create something real and seen

made to explore an idea

to its billowing depths.

 

Mining for new ideas in that old one.

Any of which could become

the base point of other explorations

and the ideas discovered there.

 

All the way out to the finite edge

of what we can learn and what we believe

in our sensual animal brains.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 16 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/26/2006:

With pest North Korea's Chief Jerk

indulging his nuke-threat'ning quirk

U.N. threatens sanctions

but why not a spankin'?

For sanctions have never once worked.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/26/2006:

Gotta love these modern, mega-merger'd superstores!

We were in a Home Depot this weekend and, as usual, the aisles were like a ghost town, should one need assistance of any sort.

However, they found plenty of paid employees to man various entrance and exit stations for the purposes of shilling air conditioners and the like!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 6/26/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Location Haiku

 

Better To be called

Over the hill, than to be

Found underneath it

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

COUNTDOWN: 15 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/27/2006:

Do-gooders are targeting "Cars"

for rail crossing scene with its "star"--

even Make-Believe

can't get a reprieve

from those who find "get a life" hard!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/27/2006:

So Illinois Senator Barack Obama--you know, the guy who hasn't been in office long but has already been drafted as the new FDR thanks to his half-light-skinned-blackness and the fact that his grandfather shaved sheep balls for a living in Africa--is now the subject of portraits by famed celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz.

Hmm. So, full-on, well established celebrity treatment based not so much on talent or accomplishment but almost completely on image?

Who does Congress think it is--the Recording Industry?...

Excerpt of a photo caption about a gay veteran:

"Travis, a South Side artist who uses one name, says he had issues from the moment he joined the Navy until his discharge six years later."

Gotta admire his willpower, considering he curbed his homosexual urges and waited six whole years for a climax!

******

COUNTDOWN: 14 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/28/2006:

Next up: Sensitivity training!

For Ozzie, White Sox skipper reigning.

Feed the Industry

for worthless P.C.

and scapegoats corp. bigwigs from blamings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/28/2006:

While we're on the topic of today's Limerick--

Rich Levin, spokesman for Major League Baseball, on the Atlanta Braves' John Rocker's stint in sensitivity training:

"What actually happened in those sensitivity classes, we don't know. He might have slept through the whole thing. But at the end of it, we did receive verification that he attended."

Thus even MLB admits it...

Oh how I wish somebody would send me a special e-mail offer on a Rolex watch. Or perhaps some Viagra...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 6/28/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jewel and the Great Pizza Suck-Ass

Today's edition almost constitutes a special Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Consumer Report but... Well, we have a food section to fill.

Jewel is, of course, my grocery store of choice (Chief Limericist checking in, here). Some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may know it as Albertson's, and I guess it was recently bought by SuperValu... But that's neither here nor there.

They have the best frozen pizzas at Jewel. The prevalent thinking goes that store-named brands are inferior to your name brands--your Tombstone, your Tony's, etc. But Jewel has a kick-ass bakery--my late grandma even used to say it was the best among grocery stores--and so their frozen pizzas have tasty, crispy crust and, being made locally, are overall a much better option than the name branders. Plus they're cheaper!

Well, Jewel has two types of pizzas, the run-of-the-mill Jewel brand and their "Chef's Kitchen" line, which is superior, and which I try to buy.

Recently, however, I have been repeatedly foiled in my pizza-buying efforts. Either no Chef's Kitchen pizzas in, or no deal on Chef's Kitchen pizzas or, usually, some Chef's Kitchen pizzas are in but not of the sausage variety I prefer.

I've put up with this for a while. But recently... Brought home some Tony's. Which sucked-ass.

To the folks at Jewel: Don't make me go Tombstone or (shudder) Red Baron on your ass.

Stock my sausage Chef's Kitchens. Bastards.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/28/2006:

> SUBJECT: Tech Giants Publish Mobile Web Guidelines

Wow.

Not only is this NOT something forwarded from someone I know, but it was not spam with a misleading headline.

So DL received an actual press release from something or someone who goes by "WebProNews."

As if we're an actual media entity or something.

What knuckleheads!

******

COUNTDOWN: 13 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/29/2006:

Now Cameron Diaz is free;

that girlie man and her said "bye-eeii!"

But HE broke with HER

causing one big blur

in my grasp of reality.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/29/2006:

Words from the U.S. Surgeon General, "Stay away from smokers."

But you needn't worry. It's not like we're witnessing some recurringly historic, ultra-prudish, turn-of-the-century prohibitionist, shaky science-based, witch hunt for an excuse to beat up on one of the few remaining minorities it's acceptable to batter.

Oh, no.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 6/29/2006:

> John,

>

> I received your email concerning our CK pizza in-stock position. I have spoken

> with the Chef's Kitchen manager, and she assures me she will keep sausage in

> stock on a regular basis.

>

> I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Please feel free to

> contact me with any future concerns.

>

> Thank You

> Greg Spielman

> Asst. Store Director

> 773-871-1054

Holy crap! First, we receive a REAL press release, yesterday, and NOW, somebody actually takes action because of a Slappin' and Yappin' nugget!

Are we...(shudder)...going legit?

Pfft. We're just a bunch of sellouts.

******

COUNTDOWN: 12 Days Until Daily Limerick Reaches SEVEN YEARS of, um, "Service"!...

***

DAILY LIMERICK 6/30/2006:

Surgeon General spat out--hey, no joker--

that folks should just "stay away from smokers!"

Hissin' 'cause folks on street

won't obey his elite

so he tweaks the Witch Hunt 'gainst us blokers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 6/30/2006:

Leading in with today's Limerick... Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers with even a modicum of seniority (or whatever) know that DL/S&Y sees the fight against Big Mother and its Health Nazis as a frequent topic.

We are nonetheless objective about this--being okay with smoking bans in most public places but not BARS, for Chrissakes, for instance--and here's some more proof for you snivelin' ratloafs who might think otherwise--

Headline:

"Group Seeks Beach Smoking Ban; Environmentalists Say Smokers Use Lakefront as Ashtray"

Smokers: Pick up your butts! Clean up after your freakin' selves! You're ruining things for the rest of us and the Health Taliban needs only the flimsiest excuse to ratchet up its Carrie Nation-esque, frothing fever.

Even better, switch to the biodegradable-butt-bearing cigars, like our Chief Limericist!

C'mon all you smokin' college chicks and grannies: Stogie up!...

When we stop and think about all the ways the U.S. Democrats could truly differentiate themselves from the GOP--in least in non-frightening ways, unlike their proclivity for the BM mentioned above--well, then we pause and read a headline like this:

"Keep the Faith: Obama Urges Dems to Take Fight to Religious Right--by Stressing Personal Faith"

The Democratic Party: Already hard at work losing '08!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 6/30/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Homeless J

Ohhh... Worst Music Critic on Earth checking in, here.

Homeless J's bass player wields a six-string bass.

With much skill, creativity and, might I add, daring-do.

Ahem.

I HAVE been taking more notes on these bands, as I add 'em to the list of future Friday sections well ahead of the time I actually end up writing on them.

Let the mystery lure you in: http://www.myspace.com/homelessj

 

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