Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2006:

A name change can open new doors;

success comes where 'twas not before.

U.S. Policy

thus--voila!--should be:

Op'ration Iraq Civil War!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2006:

Domino's Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is developing real estate and planning all the trimmin's for an all-Catholic town to be named Ave Maria, near Naples, Fla. Among other goals for the town, Monaghan would like there to be no birth control sold in its borders.

The ACLU, and many others, are a bit upset over this plan.

Sixteenth Century thinking allowed to rule an entire enclave of land in 2006? Just who does Monaghan think he is--royalty of a Mid-Eastern nation?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY"EAT IT!" SECTION 3/1/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jewel's Cool Employee

I usually grocery shop at Jewel, which may be Albertson's in your neck of the woods, or Sav-On or something.

Last week, I procured a coupon at the checkout--for Hungry Man dinners, if you must know--and, when I was out by the parking lot readying to carry my crap to the bus stop, my checkout guy ran out and gave me $1.

Seems he forgot to subtract it from my bill.

I could go on an on, recommending Jewel and lavishing parish, over this deed of valor and honesty.

But I'm mostly worried about my check-out guy: Wasting time on customer service, how will he ever compete in today's business environment?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/1/2006:

> Yo...not sure if you know this but dailylimerick.com is available....you can

> go to yahoo.com and buy a domain name for $2.99 a year...it's just a special

> deal they are running...I got www.megamerican.com for it which was a word

> that Stephen Colbert featured on his show....anyways, not sure if you got

> net because com was taken but it is available....

Because only net was available? C'mon! We knew that ".com" was becoming all mainstream and crap and, being on the cutting edge of cool, went with ".net." And you can come up with lame innuendoes about "fishnets," but what does ".com" get ya'? "Commmie"? "Communications"? Pfft.

Oh, and Yahoo! That'll be $100,000 for the plug.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2006:

Ex-Domino's CEO testing

all-Cath'lic town--has many's blessing.

One "perk" they extol:

Won't sell birth control!

(Guess each child, too, gets a molesting!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2006:

The Supreme Court, often credited by DL/S&Y as the only entity of our government employing a significant degree of wisdom, has ruled that racketeering laws cannot be used against abortion protesters.

Yay! Supreme Court! Ra ra ra!

Now, hold on! This is not about whether you're "pro-choice" or "pro life." It's about shady mechanisms of law used for various partisan causes.

And it's as good a time as any to remind Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers of the need for a new law, sponsored by DL/S&Y, to dismiss silly-ass lawsuits and laws to begin with:

If it sounds goofy, any judge in the land should immediately dismiss a case under the Writ of Ridiculosity.

"Racketeering"--for a grassroots protest? "Case dismissed, law unconstitutional: Write of Ridiculosity!" Burglar suing because he slipped, fell and hurt himself on a victim's wet floor? Ditto. Secondhand smoke laws, lawsuits vs. Big Fast Food for glutton's obesity...

Amid all the talk of fuel alternatives these days, realize this:

Ethanol is a big scam that doesn't help the situation much and lines the pockets of big Midwestern, corporate corn/farming interests.

One could say this corn sticks out amid the typical political manure, even...

By the way, of your locale is like our locale, you're seeing a system in place where voters in local elections can opt to vote early.

While well intentioned--a means of getting more people to the polls through more scheduling options--don't overlook the fact that this is a great way for politicians to get their votes counted early and thus engage in unethical conduct early, before the "actual" election...

A new issue of Vanity Fair features naked, or naked-esque, starlets alongside not-so-naked male stars.

And, of course, media morons are trumpeting this as a sign of a "Hollywood double standard."

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, take note, as we've had to toss this wisdom to the world far too many times:

There certainly IS a double standard regarding nudity and the sexes, but it's societal and probably based in nature, to boot.

What happens when a naked woman runs along a downtown street? Dozens, perhaps hundreds of men have just sealed fate as having a kick-ass day.

A naked man runs along a downtown street?

The authorities are called...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2006:

Osama, Bush says, we'll track down.

Guess George knows that O's still around.

Us'lly seems forgotten--

we hear of bin Laden

when Dubya's approval rate's down.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2006:

So, the latest issue of Playboy contains a feature called "25 Sexiest Celebrities." Said celebrities are pictured inside the magazine...clothed.

Thanks, Maxim and all your hella-lame imitators...

Actually, thanks Maxim READERS. Do you guys know that nude pics are fairly accessible and... Really, there's no hope for you, why bother...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/3/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: But Not a Drop to Drink

I hosted a music and mirth show at a Chicago club called The Empty Bottle recently.

The club had a policy we think needs to be widespread in bars and clubs across the land: They had a shelf with giant coolers of water for patrons to help themselves.

Sometimes, you want something nonalcoholic and it seems a big waste of time and energy to jostle with the nutloaves for bartender attention over it. Not to mention that some of us don't drink alcohol, for past malfeasance reasons or otherwise, and it can be rougher than usual obtaining a drink after you've been labeled, in the bartender's mind, "not a big spender."

So we applaud this public water trough idea. It's the best development since...whatever the bar equivalent of sliced bread is.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2006:

O'er years of chick chasing, John gleaned,

depressed chicks waxed nicely obscene.

Two bi chicks, one night,

despairing life's plight,

let him try on pair of blue Jeans.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2006:

If you've ever dated and/or extensively hung-out with somebody who has a much different schedule, you've experienced the pain-in-the-ass this presents to your general life schedule.

For instance, you work 9-5; your dame works noon-10 p.m./midnight. Sometimes, it's hard to get in a phone call before you have to hit the sack, which is around the time your Other is getting off work. Sometimes, your Other keeps you up late and/or stays the night, roping you into going into work later (if your job lets you swing it), leading to you working later, leading to certain evening tasks getting behind... Etc. Etc. Oh, the Etc. you do find!

We call this Job/Relationship Jetlag.

And, yes, it's a fine excuse for any sort of malfeasance...

Happy Cheezy Saturday!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2006:

As "lad mags" like Maxim arose

seemed Playboy entered its last throes.

Aped lad mags to sell

Now--messed up as hell!--

Playboy shows starlets WEARING CLOTHES?!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2006:

Special Death of Common Courtesy Edition!...

Headline:

"Animal Activists Stalked Children: Their Web Site Kept Tabs on Kids of Lab's Employees"

Not PETA, but another group called Stop Huntingdon (NJ) Animal Cruelty (SHAC).

Checked PETA's Web site. They haven't denounced SHAC's actions.

Who do they think they are? Muslim leaders?...

And, of course, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, DL/S&Y was among the first calling for PETA's labeling as a terrorist group...

Headline:

"Number of Meth Users Checking in to Clinics Quadruples in 10 Years"

Curiously, nobody's saying what percent of them are repeat check-ins. Because... Well--

Drug/alcohol "treatment" does work. Quite well. For the Treatment Industry, anyway...

The Oscars are today and it'd take something of certain importance to keep DL/S&Y from watching!

Hmm. When's the last time we cleaned out that salad shooter?

Well, guess we'll have to skip the Oscars; maybe one year we'll actually watch...

So the otherwise seemingly gay-as-all-hell fashion designer (or is that redundant?) Isaac Mizrahi groped Scarlett Johansson at the Golden Globes, claiming it was to analyze her gown's material, and now Johansson says his grab was "for other reasons," as he'd know all too well exactly how her gown was fabricated, being a fashion designer of some note.

"Other reasons" implying...well, the reason we'd like to grope Johansson.

So... Is the fashion designer version of being closeted?...

Lifetime, the cable channel alleging it empowers women while it plays into every major media trend--telling example being how its important-woman profile series kicked-off with the major feminist-champ, stereotype-dubunker, not-good-looking-at-all-in-a-sexist-media-way, yet-successful in spite of it all Cindy Crawford... Ahem.

Well, its next "Media for Women's Empowerment" act of programming, in light of other cable station's stealing viewers with their own Lifetime-ish fare?

"Cheerleader Nation"

Hmm.

Funny, but Lifetime programming more appealing to me, as a man, than, say, Spike TV?...

"Cover" (or whatever) Feature Section, "The Death of Common Courtesy":

Psychology researcher Felix Warneken has released details of a study finding that even babies show signs of a human "altruism gene."

Warneken thus presents evidence that human beings have an innate predisposition toward helping other human beings. As an example, he busied himself with the task of hanging towels by clothespin in view of babies, purposefully dropped a clothespin now and again--and found that babies would usually retrieve the dropped clothespin for him as their way of helping.

We've unwittingly done our own "experiments" on adults--by, say, having groceries fall from split grocery bags on a public bus while being weighed-down by many bags of said groceries.

Our suggestion for Warneken's next study: Exactly when do we COMPLETELY LOSE that freakin' "altruism gene" along the way?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/5/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Miracle on 36 Bus

More "Cover" (or whatever the hell) Feature Section, "The Death of Common Courtesy":

Concerning my little grocery-hauling problem (Chief Limericist checking in here)--and I've no shortage of other examples of human social onanism... Last week, I was standing with multiple bags of groceries, waiting for the dilly-dallying bus and, as it approached within view, I shifted some grocery bags to another hand and set some on the ground in order to facilitate pulling my fare card from my pocket.

A voice said, "Need some help?"

(Google past SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN's about similar past events, including one where the only stranger lending a hand in such a case was a, er, nutty sort fond of conversing with himself.)

I turned to look at my altruistic acquaintance and... Hot blonde! I mean, a smokin' hot chick!

And, no! It WASN'T a guy dressed as a check. I've learned to note the tell-tale signs.

"I know it's tough sometimes to grab your card," she added.

We each boarded and, although I considered it, I was unable to find a seat near her. Encounter over.

But my hope for Mid-East Peace was renewed! (Well, actually, it was begun, as I've never had such hope.) For a day or two, anyway...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/5/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

Mike is off on a grunion run. MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE will return Sunday, March 12.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/5/2006:

Excerpt of long, long e-mail:

> 30th ANNUAL, 6th BIENNIAL

> EXHIBITION OF VISUAL + ART

> OPEN AND INVITED e v+ a 2006...

It's all the particulars about an art festival in Ireland called the "Limerick Biennial."

Now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, just because it has the word "limerick" in it... Oh, alright. We did find it interesting.

Then again, LETTERS TO THE IDIOT is easy to please.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2006:

A line of kids merch we now see

boasts quotes like, "It's all about me!"

Can each generation

beat last's self ad'lation

post Death of Common Courtesy?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2006:

Some fashion show in Paris featured Kate Moss.

Well, Kate herself was unable to attend, so those involved thought her presence should nonetheless be felt and thus produced a hologram of Moss.

Celebrating...her recent, highly publicized cocaine problem?

Celebrating addiction?

Who does the fashion industry think it is? The Big Treatment Industry...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/6/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Guacamole Haiku

He attacked the dip

So often he was called a

A party vegetable

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2006:

Today's world can eas'ly bring sadness;

we seek any excuse for gladness.

Forget news of war

terror threats and more--

and prepare for coming March Madness!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2006:

John Kerry, amid his flurry of activity that threatens a political return to lose the election for the Democrats in 2008, is recommending that a beefed-up United Nations should be used to fight the War on Terror.

Now, to make a Rosie O'Donnell-sized understatement, Bush deserves no rewards for his handling of the War on Terror. But... Would the U.N.'s handling of this really improve matters? Judging from past performance, it seems that here in 2006, they'd still be threatening to refer Taliban Afghanistan for Security Council censure...

The Journal of Pediatric Obesity postulates that, by 2010, fully 50 percent of all Children in North and South America will be obese.

One of their recommendations? Ban advertising. For all food? For foods deemed "bad"?...we're not sure.

So we're increasingly fat amid our mechanized, TV-addicted, hip-to-be-lazy, parenting-is-sooo-last-century modern age--and we're blaming the food industry?

When was the last time we thanked the do-gooders and lawyers who started the precedent by blaming cigarette companies for people's smoking?...

Channel One is a youth news channel beamed into schools across the United States. In exchange for the service, and for allowing schools to use the equipment set up for the arrangement, Channel One broadcasts two minutes of commercials for every 10 minutes of programming (thus making ad money).

And, in case you didn't see this coming, a new study finds that students remember the ads far more efficiently than the news programming.

You know... Aw, what the hell. Let's just move things toward their obvious fate and name 'em Verizon Elementary School, Cialis High School...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2006:

They say there's a nude double standard

in Hollywood but, in all candor,

nude chicks sell big and,

well, "clothes make the man"--

if anything, to nature pandered.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2006:

From an ad for "Mesotherapy," stating reasons it might be for you:

"If you would like to see reduced inches without the fuss of working out."

Sounds completely natural. Nothing could possibly go wrong. But line up a lawyer, just in case...

Local (Chicago) baseball news brings the following injury report:

Cub Aramis Ramirez has an infected nail on his right ring finger.

How do we miss football? Let us count the ways...

Last night, CBS debuted a new show called, "The Unit."

Really. We're not dickin' you around...

Sorry. Now and again the Pun Nerd rears its ugly head. We'll try to sack him...

No, we're not nuts...

Hey, CBS is entitled to every tool it has available, as it faces stiff competition...

Ahem.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY"EAT IT!" SECTION 3/8/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Next Time, Green Beans

We've been thinkin'... With all the discussion of buttered noodles vs. mashed potatoes and corn for the last DL/S&Y National Salisbury Steak Day (buttered noodles being as God intended Salisbury steak to be eaten), we completely neglected to mention that green beans are most certainly in order

As well as milk and a brownie, of course. But you knew that, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, right?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2006:

New trend 'cross the land's "Early Voting"

and 'pon it, pol'ticians are doting:

"Brings more to the polls!"

(shortens "best face" roles--

let's them return sooner to choading).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2006:

As a sign of what you know damn well is next to come, a Cape Cod (Mass.) high school may soon ban all colognes, perfumes, scented deodorants and body sprays because those things can cause headaches and respiratory problems.

Wow! It seems that every other day we're given reason to again thank the Liberal Do-Gooder Big Mother Movement for all they started with the Secondhand Smoke Tali-Scam!...

On a related note, the American Medical Association has released a survey finding that spring break trips involve "heavier-than-usual drinking" and result in more sexual activity than usual.

It's a tough order. But the AMA's sure giving the ol' college try in its attempts to find a greater waste of money than junk science-based ad blitzes supporting private business smoking bans...

Media-bashing celebs and politicians take note:

Claudette Marie Muhammad is a member of Illinois' governor's Commission on Discrimination and Hate.

She is the minister of protocol for the Nation of Islam whose job description includes writing speeches, among other aide duties, for Louis Farrakhan.

Now, you only need use your imagination a teentsy-weentsy bit to understand why a recent hubbub has ensued. Naturally, Muhammad has been in the media spotlight lately.

She has offered little to the press as a means of explanation and refuses to consider stepping down from her post. Her strongest statement yet: "Leave me alone."

Of course, such a media spotlight can get to a person. And we'd be the first to tell the press to stop hounding her were it not for the little fact that SHE HOLDS TWO FREAKIN' PUBLIC POSITIONS...

Reminder to Hollywood folk:

A man dressed as a woman, by itself, does not constitute comedy or magically make the issue of humorous writing irrelevant.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled remakes...

Chief Limericist checking in here--

A new species of crustacean, named Kiwa hirsuta, has been discovered. It is basically a lobster, with blonde hair, to boot!

Now, I've never before considered bestiality, but this sure as hell screams "soul mate"!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2006:

John Kerry's back, helpful again.

Says more pow'r should go to U.N.

to fight Terror War

for sanctions galore

cause terrorists to cry and run.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2006:

Okay, world can start spinning again. International Women's Day is now over. As is discrimination in all forms.

Really. IWD was yesterday.

Well, you have 364 days to prepare for the next one, in any event...

The National Institute for Men is preparing a Michigan lawsuit dubbed "Roe v. Wade for Men," which would allow fathers (actual or would-be) some say in issues such as abortion.

Hmm.

We're a bit suspicious--but applaud the innovative thinking behind it.

Nonetheless, this initiative doesn't have a drumstick's chance at an Al Roker/Star Jones dinner date. It can't have "conservative" support because it would support some abortions. It can't have "liberal" support because... Well, it involves men's rights.

Nothing says failure in the political system stronger than "innovative thinking"...

Wondering recently why we'd be so happy to see R. Kelly go to prison (other than the fact that he's a criminal), a tinge of Guilty Liberal thinking hit us: Is it because he's black?

But, of course, that couldn't be the case. We'd welcome prison time just as much for white pop stars--including Michael Jackson...

Call to Arms, Slapper Yapper Grashoppers (or at least a Call to Fingers):

Hit Internet chatrooms/message boards, call-in to radio shows, fire-off letters to the editor... Help get the word out about Daily Limerick!

We've been doing that ourselves since last month, generally bothering those who've been mentioned in the day's Limerick or S&Y, prompting folks to check it out.

Traffic is up. So lend us a hand, won't you? Or foot if you don't have a free hand. Hell, mail us your spleen (although we're not sure how that'll help things).

We'll probably make this Call to Fingers a "standing section" of sorts in the near future, but we don't want to barrage you with more than one at a time, as we have the Jennifer Love Hewitt "Please Pose for Playboy!" one going presently.

And we've not yet seen JLH results.

We must keep our priorities in order, after all...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/10/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Paper Bullets

Paper Bullets is a punkish band with a truly innovative angle: They actually have talent.

What's more, its singer doesn't have "That Voice." You know, the Green Day-ish, almost-with-an-accent voice that nine out of ten "punk" MTV-hip bands now boast? In fact, she's a rather hot broad, and foul-mouthed to boot (which, ethically speaking, allows me to get away with calling her "broad").

They have a song called "Trick or Treat," and it's a delight, adequately addressing the theme instead of just slapping on a catchy title.

Oh, and their Web address is http://www.paperbullets.net, which just adds to the delight.

Dot-nets, you see, are the finest sites around. Dot-com is too mainstream now, folks--tell one, tell all.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2006:

A fellow with brand new pierced tongue

bought hoop ring and from tongue it hung.

On his girl went down

licked there--all around!--

and got his tongue stuck in her bung.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2006:

Headline:

"Man in Scary Clown Mask Robs Bank"

"Scary clown"?

Isn't that redundant?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2006:

Lifetime--the empow'ring chick station--

has new big show: "Cheerleader Nation."

Brings in more ad share

than feminist fare--

and males tune in for masturbation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2006:

So...why was Barry Bonds reluctant to talk to the Press?

Shyness? Because The Media is composed of filthy bastards? Eyes irritated by flashbulbs?

Hmm. Still a mystery...

Hemant Hehta sold his soul on eBay.

Well, he promised to attend an hour of religious services for every $10 bid for his soul. The exact religion involved was dependent on the whim of the winning bidder, who, in this case, happened to be a nutty former Christian evangelical from Seattle.

Many call this silly. Downright ridiculous. Perhaps even blasphemous.

But is it really any goofier than picking a religion--i.e., pre-made philosophies on the meaning of life and the universe packaged like breakfast cereals--solely on the basis of whatever family/culture you were randomly born into?...

Last week, we noticed, on a box of Universal jumbo paper clips, a "limited warranty":

"Warranty valid for 1 year from date of purchase. Return to place of purchase and product will be replaced or cost refunded."

The Universal box was underneath a box of another brand of paper clips. That brand, Acco, did not have a warranty.

Does this mean that some sort of problem can occur with Universal paper clips?

PAPER CLIPS?

Of course! The government orders its paper clips from Universal!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/12/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunday School

Chief Limericist checking in here. (Which is always the case for SUNDAY STORY TIME, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.)

I went to Sunday school as a child.

For a couple weeks.

See, my father granted us kids "Freedom of Religion," partly in reaction to his own Catholic school upbringing. He encouraged us to explore religion, and even pointed out a set of "World Religions" tomes on our bookshelves, but did not want to force one upon us. We were occasionally roped into attending mass on Easter or Christmas, but that was my mom's doing.

As was Sunday school. Well, once or twice I tagged along with a friend because he had to go and his mother, of course, didn't want to leave me in their house alone. But I actually enrolled, so to speak, at one time.

The neighbors were attending regularly and mom encouraged us to go with them. That was the first time I recall my dad giving his Freedom of Religion spiel, but I decided to check it out anyway.

I was informed that I was too old to attend the class with my neighbor/friend after a session--a bummer, because hanging with a friend was part of the attraction for me. So I was to be transferred to a different class for older kids. So after this final class with my neighbor, some other kid in the class picked up the chair I'd been using and carried it into the hall.

"You won't be needing this" was the only explanation he gave before tossing the chair over a railing, where it made quite a racket bouncing down a tall, spiral staircase.

This former classmate/delinquent ran off in a flash after the deed while I hesitated--mostly from shock.

Then I saw the priest. Or minister. Or whatever the hell he was.

I told him I didn't throw the chair. "This other kid did it--he ran off somewhere."

Priesty Pants scolded me for "lying in the House of God." I maintained innocence. He asked again, "Did you throw that chair over the railing?" I, again, maintained innocence... This ritual repeated for a while.

When my mom showed up to get me, the priest/minister told on me. I told my mom the story.

My parents believed me.

And I never returned to Sunday school.

There's some sort of metaphor pertaining to organized religion here, but I'll leave it fuzzy.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/12/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Sweet volcano

 

This rock waits to be thrown.

Or it wants to be sculpted.

It has been part of the earth,

spat out by a volcano. Did it

get a view of our ancestors'

bones? Do our bones

become lava? At the cone,

trembling heat down a jungle

fire, into someone's living

room which turns, folds

into it, crumbles into it.

Rock and ash

and burn marks there.

The house is full of green

saplings that live

beneath the ceiling. The

books all burned up, the

science of words fled

into the air.

 

It's part of the sky.

Those heroes and villains

she read of in bed. And

part of the earth. Stepped

over fuel for the fronds.

And in the sea. Two feet

at the channel of two islands.

A museum piece, hand raised

to cup the sun in his

palm, passing it to

her to drink. Those

lips of rock, fingers

carefully emerging

from the dust, holding

the dust, parting the dust.

A pact of lightning,

and space suspended.

 

The ground moves gently

to make room in the bed.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2006:

Hey Hollywood--here's a new trick:

When crafting your comedic shtick

try jokes, clever thoughts!

There's more to a plot

than dressing a guy like a chick!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2006:

Today's Limerick is specially dedicated to Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry!

And, unfortunately, just about every sketch comedy group in the history of humor...

A restaurant chain in the Midwest is under fire for racial harassment of its employees.

The name of the eatery in question? Cracker Barrel.

He hee...

Wow! The "Travel" section in my Chicago Sun-Times yesterday featured Nantucket.

You do know, of course, that we once knew a man from that town...

"Help Wanted" ad headline:

"Tree Climber."

So my cats CAN bring in some room and board, after all...

Question:

What if you have something in your pocket AND you're happy to see someone?...

Well, whaddaya expect for an Extra Cheezy... Oh. It's NOT Saturday.

So what's the "Auto Section" if not a bunch of ads dressed-up with DETROIT fluff, instead of the Sunday HOLLYWOOD fluff?...

Then again, we weren't talking Sunday, but SATURDAY...er, MONDAY, er...

Well, isn't every day cheezy in its own way? Isn't all we do, all we say, all we strive for cheezy in the grand scheme of things?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/13/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Sinister Haiku

Playing guts Frisbee

With a circular saw blade

How goes it, Lefty?

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2006:

So Barry Bonds, no Alan Alda,

in new book, faces career fall-da

o'er steroid suspicion--

reporters went fishing

and reeled in a catch that we'll call "duh!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2006:

What's wrong with the alleged "country" music today?

Turn on USA Network and wait for a commercial promo for "Nashville Star." (It should take all of 12minutes to view it.)

The answer: Wynonna Judd and "Cowboy Troy."

'Nuff said...

First of all, when a commercial labels someone a "rebel," as it does "Cowboy Troy" and... Well just LOOK at the two! Wynonna looks like a...Troy seems about as outlaw as a...oh...oh... Ahem. Should've left it at "'Nuff said"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/14/2006:

After yesterday's mention of the Cracker Barrel fine restaurant chain, for those with discriminating taste (of a sort that, well, discriminates against blacks), we fired off an e-missive to the good folks and received this reply--

> SUBJECT: We're Glad You Wrote to Cracker Barrel!

>

> Thanks for visiting our website.  We're glad you wrote, giving this Old

> Country Computer a chance to say "hi" back. Please know that a "real" guest

> relations representative - a person!- will take a look at your message,

> sharing your thoughts with the right people, and will e-mail you back if

> that's what's needed.

>

> If you have any questions regarding your message, please call Guest Relations

> Monday through Saturday 8:00am to 5:00pm (Central Time) at 1-800-333-9566.  If

> you have your ticket number handy, that will sure help the representative help

> you. 

>

> Your ticket number is:  541640

>

> Again, thanks!

>

> The Guest Relations Old Country Computer

> Cracker Barrel Old Country Store

> 1-800-333-9566

Feel free to contact 'em in the name of Daily Limerick, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Oh, and from the band Paper Bullets, regarding our linking the fine band in SLOOP'S GLANTAMEROUS LINKS:

> Thank you for the kind words. We're playing this Friday at The Subterranean at

> 9pm if you wanna come.

> xoxo

> TT

> --

> Traci Trouble

"xoxo"!

Well, golly gee willikers.

(The Chief Limericist has his hands clasped behind his back, red as China, shrugging his shoulders gently back and forth, scuffing his foot back and forth along the ground...)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2006:

A Cape Cod high school, should've known,

took next Lib'ral step: Banned cologne

for secondhand fumes

foretelling fun's doom

'less Big Mother leaves us alone.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2006:

Wore a shirt yesterday that I used to call my "Intern Catcher."

And... I've already said too much...

No, really, I've said too much.

Any lawyers reading?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY"EAT IT!" SECTION 3/15/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Maturing Tastes

As adults, we often avoid things that might be us great pleasure--but things that brought us bad experiences during youth we thus view as a form of "touching a hot stove."

It is often best, upon maturity, to revisit some of these things, to place our "automatic avoidance of past negatives" on hold.

It is for this reason that I feel young again. (Chief Limericist checking in here--as is the usual case with these special sections.) I hear the chirp of early spring birds as if for the first time. Revel in the glory of each dawning day and each day's sunset... For I have late-in-life discovered the delights inherent in frozen fried chicken.

I've been a fan of frozen foods for a long time but have mostly passed on the fried chicken. Until now.

Whoo-hoo!

I still don't recommend touching a hot stove, though.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2006:

Besides keeping blacks' rights imperiled

white culture can be rather sterile

so diners, 'cross nation

stoke discrimination

putting "Cracker" in "Cracker Barrel."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2006:

Headline:

"Daily Illini Editor Fired Over Muslim Cartoon Flap"

And yet another headline for a radical Muslim-themed story:

"Chaplain Keeps Job After Ripping Zionists"

Violence is no way to go about getting your way in today's world.

Really.

We're certain of it.

Pretty please?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/16/2006:

In reference to my jokingly-alluded-to "intern catcher" shirt (see yesterday's edition in the 'chives, ass bastard Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers):

> I need to find you a jive turkey shirt.

That's actually an inside message from kin. You see... Hmm. Sounds like a job for SUNDAY STORY TIME (tune in this Sunday!).

But, in any event, I'd most certainly wear that. At least if it comes with jive cranberries and jive stuffing.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2006:

'Mong all legends of leprechauns

their chicks are ne'er focused upon.

Seem horny for humans--

I guess lepre-poonin's

sure don't look like Charlize Theron!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2006:

Wednesday evening, I (Chief Limericist checking in) was approached on the street by a woman begging for cash, which isn't out of the ordinary.

And you'd be correct in guessing, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that something out of the ordinary did nonetheless occur. (Sharp bastards, aren't you?)

The lady addressed me as "Mr. Leprechaun."

Now, I wasn't wearing green, or reciting limericks, or bearing a pot of gold... I guess I radiate an aura of Leprechaunism.

And to think, some poor schmoes radiate a worthless aura, like animal magnetism or some such dreck...

Headline:

"Rich and Poor, Black and White Get Equally Mediocre Health Care"

I guess we'll take a "color blind society" wherever we can get it...

Read a rumor that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were secretly married--in a Scientology ceremony?

Scientology wedding? What, do they celebrate materialism?

Well. Guess a Scientology wedding wouldn't be too much different than any other one after all...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/17/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: St. Pat's with Revelator

I suppose St. Patrick's Day is as good a time as any to throw out an extra Limerick we've stashed in the vault--an ENTERTAIN YOURSELF Limerick that doesn't fit standard Limerick procedure here in the DL/S&Y Towers.

A while back, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers will recall that we plugged the band Revelator in this section. Oh, see the ARCHIVES and SLOOP'S GLANTAMEROUS LINKS. Anyway, around that time, the band requested a Limerick be written for them, I presented it, they seemed stoked about it...and, as they said they'd e-mail me for a copy, they forgot.

So, without further ado:

List'ning to the band Revelator

is like oral sex with a gator.

It's dang'rous, but nice--

like moonshine on ice--

and sure beats playin' masturbator.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2006:

Though hist'ry is always exhortin'

events that are of Grand Proportions

I find them ho-hum--

rather get me some

events that take on Grand Contortions.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2006:

This just in:

Isaac Hayes was once cool.

We repeat: Believe it or not, Isaac Hayes was once, indeed, cool...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2006:

New "TomKat" (<--lame!) tabloid bloodletting

says they'd Scientology wedding.

Would such ceremony?...

Praise cash and stroke cronies?...

Guess just normal nuptial setting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2006:

So, the U.S.A. lost to Mexico in the World Baseball Classic and has thus been eliminated from the competition.

Is that why they call it the "National Passed (its) Time"?...

While we're on the subject of sports, a Danish "multicultural organization" came up with a plan to assuage the high level of prejudice toward gays that exists in Muslim culture.

They're planning a big soccer game: Gays vs. Muslims.

Because everybody knows that the best way to nudge two groups of Europeans into getting along is to put them and their fans on opposing soccer teams...

Headline:

"Israelis to Destroy Thousands of Turkeys"

It's about time SOMEBODY did something about that surplus of Rob Schneider DVDs...

Headline:

"Distraught Man Severs Own Penis, Throws it at Officers"

Geez. I've engaged in guy talk before and indicated a desire to "throw my cock around" in the past, but my sick little fantasies never entailed anything quite like THAT...

Does anybody else find it odd that "Saturday Night Live" is not, er, actually LIVE?...

The other day, in mixing with the crowd before a music/variety show I was hosting, I was told by someone that they'd "heard of" me.

Despite a piquing of curiosity, I didn't press for further details.

For as much as a want to know...well, I'm not sure I indeed want to know...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/19/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Jive Turkey

My grandmother was Polish-American. She was born in the U.S., but her mother was direct from Poland.

Naturally, grandma had a funny accent and used odd phrases, like "comical" and "satchel." She pronounced many words strangely as well--"teeth" as "teat" and "three" as "tree," for instance. And, to top it all off, she didn't even graduate elementary school.

She had a great heart, but wasn't the most educated of folk. There were many tales of her naive shenanigans worthy of retelling for amusement purposes but, since my cousin reminded me of in a LETTER TO THE IDIOT earlier this week, the "Jive Turkey Story" calls for a recounting.

I have an aunt and uncle on the same side of the family as Polish grandma. My uncle is "blood" (my dad's brother) and my aunt, well... Many relatives have been known to utter complaints about her. Selfish, sloppy... Ahem. Shouldn't really be going there.

But after my grandma took a trip to see that "wing" of the family in Arizona once (the rest of us are from Chicago), she was railing against said aunt and, in describing her unkempt nature, went off on a certain T-shirt of hers.

"She was so sloppy... Oh! What did she wear?... One day, she had this T-shirt that said, 'Jive Turkey.' JIVE TURKEY? I tell you, what kind of thing is that to wear?..." He hee.

Of course, this story would be more amusing imagining the Polish accent. Even more amusing if you'd known my grandma. Perhaps most amusing if you were there, too.

But SUNDAY STORY TIME gets self-indulgent from time to time.

Ya' bunch of Jive Turkey Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/19/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: A new egg

 

Bird. She ceiling.

Tap tap tap scritch.

She coming. Flew and

perched and nested

in old attic fur.

 

Her hatched plans

call out for food,

unaware of

shelter. She skysought,

she found it.

 

Pecking over

once a second. I

watch the plaster holding.

She push through one day.

Eye to eye, she and I.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/19/2006:

> Couldn't have described the band better myself.....

> Best,

> Rick from Revelator

This missive refers, of course, to last Friday's ENTERTAIN YOURSELF section, which featured a Limerick about the linked band Revelator.

Ah, if only the whole world spoke in the language of Limerick! We'd have no more wars!

Of course, there would be other problems, many of Nantucket proportions, but no wars...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2006:

Our kids are obese--pols are pressed

to craft laws for which it's addressed:

Ban vending machines?

Chastise Mickey D's?--

Start with reinstating recess!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2006:

Perhaps you've seen Carlos Mencia and/or his Comedy Central show, "Mind of Mencia."

His rants are refreshingly politically incorrect. Shocking, to some. In fact, even offensive to those people who enjoy crying "offended."

Only problem is... Well, he bills himself as a "comedian" and yet... He's not very funny.

He's not the only one with this disorder. Perhaps we need a job title for folks like Mencia... "Shocking guy"?

Hmm. Perhaps Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have some ideas.

Pfft.

I'll ask my cats and just see who comes up a suggestion first...

Do you realize that, Dictionary-wise, there is a difference between an idiot, an imbecile and a moron?

Idiot is the least intelligent of the three while moron is the most.

So in frequently labeling U.S. society as having a "Moron Majority," DL/S&Y actually reaching out as an act of kindness and healing...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/20/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Freudian Slip Haiku

When psychiatrists

Get paid, they go from Sigmund

Freud to schadenfreud

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2006:

A few found World Classic sublime

but world baseball choked in prime time.

U.S. missed Fin. Four

as scandals galore

make it our Nash'nal Passed (Its) Time.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2006:

We didn't make this one up.

Shouldn't really have to say that, this being the bastion of journalistic integrity known as Daily Limerick, but occasionally a story hits that, well, causes us to state it. Like this--

A band of pirates fired shots at two U.S. Navy ships off the coast of Somalia.

Hmm. In 2006, someone who joined the U.S. Navy finds himself under attack by pirates, of all things.

The name of an officer involved: Lt. Cmdr. Charlie Brown.

Good grief. Nothing like attack by a band of pirates in 2006 to ruin a peanut butter sandwich...

Speaking of amusing names, there is actually a California Republican Congressman who goes by Jerry Lewis.

If you think about this one, though, it's actually fitting, given the competence level of congressmen in general...

Headline:

"L.A. Suburb Bans Smoking Outdoors"

Remember--it's all about the health of those who choose not to smoke. It's not some kinda witch hunt against one of the few minorities allowable to beat up on under the reign of Political Correctness.

Remember--it's all about the health of those who choose not to smoke. It's not some kinda witch hunt against one of the few minorities allowable to beat up on under the reign of Political Correctness.

Later, rinse, repeat...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2006:

He's surely a big honkin' tool;

Scientology's got 'em fooled

with pay-to-play faith

but lame Isaac Hayes

was--get this--once actually cool.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2006:

New season of South Park starts today! Break out the Salisbury Steaks with all the trimmin's (buttered noodles, green beans, milk and a brownie afterward)...

Headline:

"Muslim Group Says Mother Teresa Statue OK Despite Objections"

Wow. Thanks. We'll call off the riots now...

Headline:

"Strippers Union Wins Holiday Pay, OT"

Wow. Those dancers are living in the lap of luxury.

Ahem. Golly g-string willikers!

Ugh.

Enough...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY"EAT IT!" SECTION 3/22/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Muy Delicioso

Some survey of some sort, the results of which were newly released when I noted this topic for a then-upcoming "EAT IT!" section, found that Mexican food has surpassed Italian food as the favorite ethnic culinary genre among Americans.

We've always thought Italian food was overrated. Except, of course, for pizza--nature's most perfect food.

So three cheers for Mexican food!

Ahem. That's all for today.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2006:

For 30 years it's somehow thrived

despite many seasons worth jive

but few seem to mention

what's caught my attention--

"Saturday Night Live's" not, well, live.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2006:

In the trial of alleged al-Qaida co-conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui, Michael Rolince, former FBI headquarters supervisor, stated that he never read an agent's memo concluding that Moussaoui (and al-Qaida) had plans to hijack airlines and fly them into prominent U.S. buildings.

The date of that memo? August 18, 2001.

Sure hope Bush's unconstitutional-as-hell domestic espionage is also spying on FBI agents--at least making sure they read memos...

The National Center on Addiction and Drug Abuse, a scientifically suspect agency (although that's not relevant here), reports that teen abuse of prescription drugs tripled from 1992-2003.

So despite the fact that addiction still runs rampant, we're making headway--at least Congress' major lobbyists are profiting off it now...

Statutory rape charges have been dropped against Florida teacher Debra Lafave, 25, because the 14-year-old student she boinked will not testify.

This story's been all over the news, of course. But one detail of great importance to the case escapes mention--until now, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!:

Lafave is hotter than shit!

What the hell's wrong with our modern news media?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/23/2006:

First we got a missive with this subject, from an "A/R":

> No sexier than this...

It came with a picture of myself. There would be no purpose in reprinting it here, save self-indulgence.

Hmmm.

So I fired back: "Who sent this? Identify yourself!"

And received:

> BILL MAHER

> WHO ELSE

> INEED MORE LIMERICKS

> ON CONDY RICE.

Oh, sure. Roll out the barrel.

Our readers.

You bunch of nutloaves.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2006:

Addiction seems a hopeless ill

and lobbyist purse need be filled

so drug policy

has successfully

hooked more teens on prescription pills.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2006:

Historians, experts and such types are reportedly "shocked" that our current Supreme Court, after showing signs of general harmony and civility in court arguments and opinions, is taking a turn toward fragmentation and general snippiness.

This turn for the ugly came surrounding the recent decision on police searches, concerning situations where one resident okays the cops' entry and the other says "no." (The court ruled 5-3 that cops cannot search in such a case.)

Shock? Over divided groups in modern America?

Unfortunately, we've grown to accept divisiveness and hatred as a fact of life.

(Sigh.)

If only we could all hold hands and sing! Except, of course, those bastards who prefer mashed potatoes and corn to buttered noodles as accompaniment to Salisbury steaks...

So the FDA's is mandating warning labels on Ritalin, stating that the drug may put users at cardiovascular and psychiatric risk.

As we all well know, those labels stop people from using things on a dime. And stave off lawsuits, to boot...

Have you seen photos of folks in that Spanish separatist/ terrorist group, ETA?

If you haven't, go a'Googlin' for 'em or something, then check back.

Done?

Don't you think they'd be taken more seriously if they didn't look like "Spy vs. Spy" characters?...

There's a construction company working in Dubai named Al Naboodah Laing O'Rourke.

We're thinkin' the name took an addition in time for St. Patrick's Day...

From a story on Aerosmith, who's had to cancel touring because of a throat injury to Steven Tyler:

"Tyler, who turns 58 Sunday, will not be able to sing for as long as three months."

He'll be okay, though. He's already went almost 58 years without being able to sing...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/24/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Put One Foot in Front of the Other

Today's edition title is also a song title.

The song in question is arguably a "Christmas song"--in that it comes from one of those '70s Christmas specials with Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer and/or Frosty and/or some character(s) of that ilk.

But the lyrics don't mention Christmas, or Christmas-y things, at all. It's about changing yourself. How it's easy. In fact, as easy as putting one foot in front of the other.

Yes, yes. Playing this song for inspiration is borderline concerning DL/S&Y approved behavior--for at least 11 months of the year, anyway. But...aw, go ahead.

The version I'm familiar with (not aware of others) is performed by Mickey Rooney and Keenan

Wynn and written by M. Laws and J. Bass.

It's perhaps the most inspiring song in the history of the universe.

Perhaps.

Blare it as you get ready in the morning and you'll... Why, you may just accomplish the impossible--landing affordable and halfway decent healthcare, for instance!

Well... I wouldn't want to garner false, grand expectations... We'll try again:

Blare it as you get ready in the morning and you'll... Give Paris Hilton a facial.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2006:

Now Asian pubes--curious thing--

are straight, they don't curl--beave or ding!

So when old and grey

if not groomed for play

their groins look a bit like Don King!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2006:

After a "Charlie Brown" mention earlier this week, a "Charles Brown" turned up again in the news, under this headline:

"Man Steals From Dead Neighbors Home"

Ahem. Will the real Charlie Brown please stand up?

I'm starting to wonder if you're not such a Good Man after all, Charlie Brown...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2006:

Now 'Merican Dream, races share;

new stats show almost "almost there"!

A new study finds

a world colorblind--

we've equally crappy healthcare!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2006:

The newspaper informed me of a massive Iraqi Shiite protest of an anti-terrorist nature. Oh, and also of an anti-American slant.

Positive sign of common sense and responsibility. For if they're going to denounce terrorism, they should also get to the root cause of it...

Another newspaper story informed me of a man who "was already seeing a therapist and attending Alcoholic Anonymous...when he picked up his fifth DUI."

But, hey, all is not lost. The therapist is still getting paid, helping an industry keep election campaigns going.

We're just trying to figure out how Alcoholics Anonymous not helping one quit drinking qualifies as NEWS...

Top two ingredients in some ice cream we recently partook of:

"Milk fat and nonfat milk."

So...they take nonfat milk, specifically crafted to exclude milk fat, and THEN they add milk fat to it... Guess we're just old-fashioned or something, because it would seem you could just start with the regular, well, YOU know...

I've noticed lately that, in taking stairways in and out of subways and up and down from the elevated trains (els) here in Chicago, that others predominantly follow common (American) traffic rules: Keep to the right, pass on the left if you're going faster than the crowd.

So, we've asked many times before, and we can't help asking again:

Just what the hell is it about grocery stores that cause all common laws, courtesy and sense to go down the crapper?

The other day at work, I was told, of an intern, "She's all yours."

Moo-ha-ha-ha!...

(I guess we're now trying to DE-fumigate the ol' S&Y Psychiatric Couch...)

Kidding, kidding of course. But... How's about intern jokes!

Okay: How many interns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ready?

One! But as long as I can fit in that light bulb, I'll take as many as you can throw at me!...

Ugh.

Blame it on spring, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/26/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Going to Work

As a little shaver, while knowing that my dad was an airline pilot, I also had a strange concept of exactly what was done during that time he regularly left the house for a thing called "work."

I pictured him, and other dads, nailing wooden stakes into the ground all day. Not just any stakes, but stakes with pinkish plastic ribbons tied atop. (For some reason I saw a lot of them as a child--property markers, I think, in the semi-developed, semi-suburban town of my early upbringing.

For far too many of us, I guess I wasn't THAT far off...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/26/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: A child's poem

When lightning strikes water

do fish turn to glass?

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2006:

Nothing new--kid sex with a teacher.

But woman on boy?--That's new feature!

With girls--hid'ous crime!

Boys? Dad's pride does climb--

wishing he could cheer from the bleachers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2006:

Learned this weekend that coulrophobic is the word for a fear of clowns.

Seems more practical to have a word for people who AREN'T afraid of the bastards...

This past weekend, I made a batch of frozen Mandarin orange chicken.

Cooking this particular brand entailed baking the chicken pieces and then pouring hot sauce over them.

Rather than put the whole spiel into an oven bag or something to shake up (I feel practical deja vu about this process--as I have, most certainly, done it before), I poured the sauce directly onto the baking tray and chicken, and then stirred it around real good.

In hitting the hot chicken and tray, some of the sauce turned to vapor. Thus, in stirring, I actually inhaled Mandarin orange.

One could say I took a hit of Mandarin orange. In fact, go ahead and say it, One!

So, if inhaling pot gives one the munchies, does inhaling food give one the...smokies?

No word yet on whether Mandarin orange sauce is a gateway food/drug. Although packing a lobster bisque bong does now sound inviting...

Wow! Looks like a food-centric edition today.

For those Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers wondering why these nuggets weren't saved for a Wednesday EAT IT! Section, it's because I've been trying to have the Special Section bear a food-based tip for you, the rat bastards...I mean you, the Delightfully Special Readers...

Have any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers out there witnessed a pie cooling on a windowsill?

The occurrence is legendary, of course, in fictions and cartoons and what have you.

But I've never personally seen it. And, o!, how I long to!

Were I to glance a glorious, freshly cooked delight of the nature of pie, I would seize it immediately!

Well, perhaps I'd just stick my thumb in.

Or, knowing myself, I'd probably just fantasize about getting my paws on the pie.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/27/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Urinary Haiku

 

When your catheter

Has been removed, you have been

Exfoleyated

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2006:

'Fore spying, as Bush does implore,

runs rampant to fight Terror War,

Feds: learn to read memos!

As 9-11 demo'd

can stop 'ttacks without laws ignored.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2006:

Concerning the topic of today's Limerick, it's amazing that anybody could even CONSIDER Bush's arguments of a need for unrestricted spying--especially when terrorists are getting THIS blatant:

The meeting of a terrorist group was actually listed in yesterday's newspaper under the deceptive listing of "convention"--

"Today: American College of Healthcare Executives"...

Scientists have reportedly found a skull in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia that may be the "missing link" in evolution between the caveman and modern man.

Making you wonder about the day this "missing link" will be conclusively proven--and how the fundamentalist nutjobs will explain it, but publicly and to the reality within their pathetic, pea-sized brains...

In the race for Illinois governor, incumbent Dem. Rod Blagojevich is bashing Republican challenger Judy Baar Topinka because she voted against a 1983 state seat belt law.

Ah, the seatbelt law! Mandating drivers to wear seatbelts--for their own good! A precursor to today's rampant Big Mother movement.

Double-checked, and there are no typos in this nugget's opening statement. Yes, Blago IS dwelling in 1983. Yes, it IS 2006. And, yes, he is bashing her for voting AGAINST seat belt police.

Oh, and, yes, the law targets adults.

Can any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers answe why, again, Democrats and "liberals" are riding the irrelevancy express? We can't imagine...

Columnist/conserva-babe Betsy Hart used the phrase "anti-smoking Taliban" in her Sunday column, arguably pulling a Daily Limerick!

Can you tell I'm boinkin' her silly?

E-mail Betsy at letterstohart@comcast.net...

At one of my jobs, I work on a building floor with a mere handful of other employees. Thus, recently, when I had to go to the bathroom and found the men's door locked, I saw no problem with ducking into the ladies'.

I noticed that the seat was left up for the ladies' toilet.

Aha!

It doesn't happen all too often, but here was case of conspiracy theory becoming...conspiracy fact?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/28/2006:

Lookin' for a new catchphrase or something for this section. There has to be a way to get more letters.

Let's check today's e-mailbag:

> The Cheezy Friday edition?

In essence, this SYG is saying a Friday edition came off as cheezy as a Saturday edition is intended to be.

Mind you, folks, this came in with the subject, "RE: Daily Limerick 3/18/2006 (Special E-List from DailyLimerick.net)."

First of all, this cat's more than a week behind the rest of us. And... Well, check 3/18 on your calendars, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Go on.

Oh, and considering that you ARE Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, make sure the calendar is for the year 2006. That's the one we're in right now.

Finished? Okay.

Perhaps we'll hold off pursuing demographic information for a bit. Not sure we want to know to many details about you guys...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2006:

So warning will now come on Ritalin--

the best of both worlds, with light fiddlin'!

True Drug Lords save face as

courts will still take cases

when "victim" lawyers' thumbs start twiddlin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2006:

Yahoo! is being sued for fraud regarding its online dating profiles.

Talk about a poster case for tort reform. Online dating wouldn't even exist without fraud...

A recently deceased man named Herbert V. Huskey was horribly defamed in a Chicago Sun-Times obituary headline:

"Spent 5 Terms in State House"

Turns out, he was an Illinois congressman, not a convict, as the headline would lead one to believe.

Then again, perhaps it's less defaming than the reality...

To combat road rage, Malaysia has created highway drive-thru massage parlors.

Interesting idea, but road rage is a serious problem and unless these are more properly "massage parlors," this initiative is unlikely to see a happy ending...

Noticed a new flavor of cat food among my felines' plenty pack: Sliced veal in gravy.

I took delight in dishing it out because, not only does it piss off the radical elements of the "animal rights" crowd who see the idea of pets as wrong, but even among those PETA nutjobs who would applaud my taking in two cats from animal shelters, the veal pisses them off.

Personally, we've found the idea of veal to be cruel--and we mostly avoid it for that reason.

But thanks to the animal activists, we now often crave veal.

Go out and eat veal today!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/29/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: EAT IT!: A Pizza Warning

The world is always a better place when pizza is en route. But don't let thoughts of nature's most perfect food cloud your awareness of the inherent dangers.

In a perfect world, pizza etiquette would not have to be taught any adult human beings, but there are those among us who will ballyhoo their ordering of pizza, giving your saliva glands a workout, only to summon emotional crash when a failure in quantity becomes apparent.

Of course, right-minded folks will order a plentitude of the ectoplasmic pie--as it's always much preferable to have too much pizza (if "too much" is even possible) than (gasp!) not enough. But there are those who know not the laws of pizza. Chances are, they look just like normal people and may show no signs whatsoever of culinary retardation.

These "others" will, say, order one pizza for, say, for adults. Large, jumbo, family-size... One pizza, in this case, simply won't do. Pity the eaters who salivate over a coming pizza only to be presented a mere couple of slices for their excited stomachs.

So go forth, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, and enjoy The Pie. But forever beware... The Pizza Teases.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2006:

So science may have found Missing Link!

(though there's hardly been a news blink.)

Fundament'list creed

has base that can't read

so armor won't suffer a chink.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2006:

Illinois bus driver Lynnan Wigginton tested positive for marijuana in an employer-ordered drug test, found it odd considering she doesn't smoke marijuana, took another test soon after to prove she was negative and, of course... Still lost her job. Sued and, of course, was fought tooth and nail by the State of Illinois.

Now, the Appellate Court of Illinois has sided with her.

What a bold judicial maneuver! This contradicts the Constitution's annotation of the Fourth Amendment, which declares citizens "guilty until proven innocent" where it concerns drug crimes! Why, this opens a whole new can of... Huh? What's that you say?

The Fourth Amendment DOESN'T have such an annotation?

Oh...

Are you SURE?...

Starbucks is now amid a push to open gajillions of shops in black neighborhoods.

So... Are black Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers sure you're still on board for the "equality" thing?...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 3/30/2006:

Cargo magazine, a publication about shopping for men, will cease publication after about two years.

Again, folks: The Chief Limericist is available for consulting before you begin any ventures.

Wondering if DL/S&Y Consultation is right for you?

Deep down in your soul, you know if you're an idiot.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/30/2006:

> RUN!!!

Another scintillating letter culled from that "must-have" MySpace account. Accompanied, of course, with an "amusing" photo.

Ah, the technological wonder of the Internet! Without it... We'd still have to actually FAX those lame jokes to people who toss 'em out at first glance.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2006:

Starbucks plans big push for black 'hoods,

which, ec'nomic'lly, should be good.

Why white folks turn vulture

and co-opt black culture

by blacks will be soon understood.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2006:

A national movement is growing whereby medical student groups are enacting strict ethics codes, including a ban on acceptance of any gifts from pharmaceutical companies whose products they are studying.

Meanwhile, the American Medical Association... Well, let's just say that the students' ethics rules make the AMA's seem wimpy.

You WERE wondering why the AMA has been running those expensive TV commercials claiming that doctors and the AMA "are our friends," weren't you?...

NFL owners have voted to penalize "excessive" end zone touchdown celebrations.

This War on Any and All Forms of Fun kicks in around the beginning of every century. But, don't worry, after a resultant complete and utter crash of the economy, we'll have something on the order of a new Roaring '20s...

Major League Baseball is launching a steroids investigation.

Good to see that got right on that one, huh?...

Classified ad headline:

"Deluxe Roommate Wanted"

We THINK that means someone coming with lettuce, tomato and an order of fries...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/31/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Closet Squaters

The Closet Squaters are a punky band--with the twist of a fiddle player and a hint of Irishy sound to top it off.

So, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may be wondering: Do they have punk attitude? Here's my Closet Squatters tale:

I hosted a music show with them as a featured act, but found out just before the show that they were underage. The show being in a bar, they weren't supposed to enter. But nobody carded them and bouncer duties were not in my job description so I let 'em play.

Oh, and as a side note, I was kinda turned-on by the chick guitarist's ankles. And I think she was underage only as it concerns alcohol--not concerning... Well, YOU know.

http://www.myspace.com/closetsquatters

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/31/2006:

> mike walker from "the national enquirer" is having a

> limerick contest. there is a cash prize and it gets

> published, you should enter it. you'd need to

> investigate it to find out how to enter, i heard it on

> howard stern today.

Yes, a good start for this "Daily Limerick" "investigation" would be through this top secret contact who goes by "howard stern."

In any event, we couldn't write a decent limerick to save our lives.

 

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