Daily Limerick
Archives: May 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2006:

Jess Simpleton--take that dork back!

(Though soon, name in news he will lack.)

He's venting his grief

with "musical" queef--

a pop culture terror attack!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2006:

Do we really need a Slappin' and Yappin' when there are two LETTERS TO THE IDIOT?...

Okay, okay.

Passed a gas station with its lighted sign proclaiming, "Cigarettes $6.74."

Even if they are the cheapest in the area, do you really wanna remind folks of the outrageous cost of smokes, discouraging possible impulse buyers?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/1/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Somnolent Haiku

 

You have a problem

When you have narcolepsy

Plus sleep apnea

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/1/2006:

> Great American Boycott, May 1st,2006.

> PLEASE READ & DO THIS.

> WE have a super serious problem!!

> WASHINGTON (AFP) Immigrants' rights advocates,

> elated by the resounding...

We're sure you've heard about this.

What a wonderful idea! Shut down everything and ensure that, as opposed to the flimsy idea that immigrants are "taking jobs Americans want," folks have a REAL reason to pissed at them!

Now this one's in response to yesterday's letter mentioning ????, which turns out to be the Limerick Dictionary Web site. Which we recommend at the same time maintaining that all Slapper Yapper Grasshopper limerick needs can be met right here:

> Thanks for the mention.  Doug is one of our better semi-regulars and I also

> would love to take a look at that library.

> CJ Strolin

Doug, it seems, has a library o' limerick.

Hmm. Imagine this library o' limerick for a bit... Whoo-wee! Those librarians!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2006:

Books like, "Lib'rals Under My Bed"

start early to fill young kids' heads

with partisan dung--

they're never too young

to learn act of voting brain dead.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2006:

Hewitt-Packard now offers a "slimming" camera.

You take a picture and, through a special setting, it automatically shaves off some of the bulk around your waist. Thus eliminating the Web-pic search/Photoshop step of online dating...

A new University of Chicago study finds that one-in-five doctors has prayed along with a patient.

This goes a way toward explaining the current popular penchant for mumbo-jumbo: Intelligent Design, No Child Left Behind, Secondhand Smoke and, coming soon, Hairy-Palmed Masturbational Disorder...

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' TOLD YA' SO 5/2/2006:

According to a survey by zogby.com, "61 percent of Americans say the recent protests by immigrants made them less likely to be sympathetic toward illegal immigrants."

See LETTERS TO THE IDIOT, 4/30/2006.

But, hey, many ended up with free bongloads and a little smelly, hippy tail out of the demonstrations and, really, isn't that what modern protest is all about?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2006:

U.N. Non-Prolif'ration Treaty?

(To start with, it's not very meaty.)

Now Iran wants out;

they already flout

it so, glad they told us ('twas need-y).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2006:

Headline:

"Finally, Bulls Have Escaped MJ's Shadow"

Time marches on. Grand deeds of the past become eclipsed by still grander deeds of today. Sunrise, sunset. Blah blah blah.

C'mon! What's being the greatest player in the history of the game compared to, oh, just barely making the "playoffs" by eking into the elite top 50 percent of the league?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/3/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: I Wanna Bang The Livin' Hell Outta Nigela Lawson

Nigela Lawson is one of those recently omnipresent "celebrity chefs." Has books out, some show somewhere or other, blah blah blah.

I tried her "cod wrapped in proscuitto"--baked and otherwise as simple as it sounds, except for a double-brushing with melted butter, before and after the proscuitto wrapping. It was a delight.

So, her cooking creds established, let us just add that we'd like to do her up nine ways 'til Cheezy Saturday.

Actually, even THAT urge is heightened by her culinary technique.

It's often hard to separate passion for food from passion for seed splashin'. Although... Well, of COURSE I didn't get wood over the cod!

I don't think...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2006:

A new HP camera is "slimming"--

gives photographed waistlines a trimming.

Though War on Waistline's

more hopeless with time

we can pretend waistlines ain't winning.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2006:

Read today about a guy labeled a "NASCAR heartthrob."

Making this as good a time as any to remind Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers that there is a different between a "heartthrob" and a "crotchthrob."

***

CORRECTION 5/4/2006:

Nigella Lawson's name was misspelled in yesterday's edition of Daily Limerick.

What else do you want us to do?

We'd certainly exert further effort to make it up to her.

Oh, would we make it up to her...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2006:

Es Cinco de Mayo--se quiere!

Tiempo bailar y beber--que

fiesta mas loco!

Trata por un poco

algo de hermosas mujeres!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2006:

This marks the first Limerick in Spanish.

History in the making! Well, at least a cousin to History in the Making. Perhaps a distant cousin. All right, an inbred product of two cousins...

But take note, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. Perhaps this means we're supporting the immigrants' cause, despite dubbing the protests as hella-lame and only good for pissing off more uninformed people concerning immigrants.

"Protest" marches today, with all the rules, regulations and officialdom, is much like complaining about a restaurant on one of those "comment cards"--and handing it to the worker you're complaining about, so he can give it to his boss later...

The largest distributor of soft drink vending machines, American Beverage Association, has given in to Big Mother and decided to yank all soda machines from schools.

You know how the health experts say that "diets don't work"--that weight loss is only achieved through a comprehensive change in lifestyle and not through some magic, quick fix?

Well, our government and the need-to-get-a-decent-hobby activists are putting our children on a diet...

In our age of taking Wite Out to the Bill of Rights, it's rough to keep up on every relevant court case.

But in Alaska, one of the more frightening unlubricated anal rapes of basic freedom is currently unfolding. Not enough to find much prominent newspaper space, however, what with Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes AND Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston expecting.

A high school student, as the latest Olympic torch relay was in town, held up a banner reading, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus." It wasn't on school time or property. But his school suspended him. And when the kid sued the local appellate court, perhaps celebrating a secret "Josef Stalin Appreciation Day," gave the school the thumbs up.

But the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals sided with the student--and all that is right and good in the world.

Nonetheless, you gotta be a bit freaked thinking ANY judge, in the United States, could agree with the school in this case. (Although drugs were involved, and the D-Word is a popular unlubricated anal date rape of freedoms drug.)

Controlling an individual on his or her own time? Who does that school think it is: A corporation?...

The death of author/Harvard economist John Kenneth Galbraith, seen by many as the Father of Modern Liberalism, has brought a lot of interesting commentary, including by syndicated Washington Post columnist George Will (a writer we are fond of but often disagree with).

Will's had some good points, especially in his column of yesterday. His analysis of how Liberalism has evolved is especially relevant to the currently doomed Democratic Party. He points out that modern Liberals view the public at large as composed of victims--unable to help themselves or at least unknowing about how to do it, hence the need for the Gores and Kerrys to mandate things because "the intellectual elite knows best."

Here's where we differ:

The general populace is, inarguably, a bunch of lazy, stupid, ignorant, fat morons. But I guess we differ from modern Liberals in that we don't believe they should be helped in that capacity.

A Democracy is government run by the people, idiots or not, for better or worse. So it's up to us to either stop being idiots or...hmmm.

We're doomed...

Hooray!

The Music Industry lost $3 billion last year!

Because of illegal downloads and CD/DVD copying, of course.

We sure hope there aren't too many assistant directing managing vice executives aren't gonna lose their jobs...

The latest name I've come across is New Lenox (Ill.) Mayor Mike Smith.

Politicians under fire for using public funds for strip clubs.

The deception and fraud is bad enough--but media are mysteriously quiet about an especially troubling angle of insult to the public--

Waste taxpayer money on a stripper, ala paying 10 times too much for a pizza only to have it waved under your nose without so much as a bite?

We'd almost be compelled to vote for the next fraud perp who at least gets something useful out of fraudulent funds and gets a hooker...

Just thought of something:

Daily Limerick. Little Debbie.

Two great entities, same two initials.

Only switched around.

Eerie.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/5/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Rikters

I've got it:

The Rikters sound like Tom Jones with kick-ass musical backing and an especially thumpin', rockin' bass.

Short and to the point (that way, perhaps you won't notice that I'm the World's Worst Music Critic).

http://www.therikters.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2006:

A foot fetishist nailed a lass

who kept her high heels on for sass!

Went to bang her feet;

one slipped off his meat--

stiletto got wedged up his ass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2006:

The Anarchist Film Festival hits Chicago...this weekend, I think.

I'd give more details on where to find the premier films by, of and about the politically naive, clueless and bong-addled but...well, they don't appear to be very organized...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2006:

They're banning all soft drinks in schools

'cause most parents are lazy tools.

Big step for Big Mother--

when pols have their druthers

gov'ment will take Parental Rule.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2006:

Zacarias Moussaoui, on losing his 911-co-conspirator trial and not even being made a martyr out of it:

"America, you lost... I won."

Hmm. With reasoning like that, if he weren't going up the river for life he could become a Democratic Party strategist...

Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) will be entering his second substance abuse rehab in five months.

Anybody else get the feeling that "treatment" has become the "check's in the mail" of chemical-related excuses?...

Speaking of things we wonder if anybody else has noticed... Cell phone voicemail leaving much to be desired. "Never got the message"; "My phone doesn't always let me know I have a message"; etc., etc.

All part of the grand plan to keep us answering phones directly so the demographics-always-reachable Great Telemarketing Onslaught of the 21st Century can begin...

Al Gore is behind a new movie about global warming called "An Inconvenient Truth."

Just what the environmentalist movement needs right now: all the excitement and success Gore brought to the 2000 election!...

Saw a business' sign: "Executive Tan."

When you just want...the neck and hands?...

Ah, life! The all-time greatest of spectator sports!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/7/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Grandpa Wasn't Drunk, After All

One morning my paternal grandfather came into the house, after popping outside to get the newspaper or some such thing, and announced that there was an elephant in his garden.

After, I'm sure, a few laughs and eye rolls, the other members of his immediate family went to check it out.

No elephant.

Later in the day, they heard a news report on the radio explaining that the circus was in the area and an elephant had briefly escaped.

This is why I keep an open mind. While skeptical, I can't fully discount those things that others seemingly discount reason to believe in--alien abductions, Bigfoot, threesomes...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/7/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: We're invincible on the precipice

 

Sure, we're human beings,

beautiful and flawed lives,

but we're also holding court

in a corrupt office, where it's

easy to forget things like fair play

and the price of meat. Because

we don't pay for it, we consume it,

we roll around in it, we rut in it.

We're leaving our golden cufflinks

on the golf courses as calling cards,

as spray markers, and you won't dare

invade our territory without feeling

the consequences.

 

Consequences:

that's a word for outsiders,

for people pressing their faces

against the chainlink fences,

hoisting signs into the air,

shaking with indignant wants.

You all want in. You all want to be us.

But then we cannot rule you, if you

rule us. So it's important to subjugate

and make scapegoats of the past,

make examples of dissidents, soak them

in our pheronomes and warning signals,

and stuff our coffers full for future needs.

 

We will spend those golden coins you bought us,

over your heads. And you will hold yourselves together.

 

You will ask us for crusts

that we wouldn't give to our dogs,

and be grateful for it.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/7/2006:

In response to our (semi-) historic Spanish language Limerick for Cinco de Mayo, this punchmuffin checks in:

> I didn't know you spoke German.

There's a lot about us you don't know, pal. Like the fact that our kraut burritos are to die for.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2006:

Celebs go to rehab!...then fail.

Then go again, to avoid jail.

Bad drug-fueled behavior?

It's PR man's savior:

A modern day "check's in the mail."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2006:

From a news source:

"Northwester University is developing a 'virtual peer' that can interact with children to help them learn storytelling."

Well, if parenting itself must go out of favor, this is preferable to an FCC...

Statistic from Medco Health Solutions:

"From 2001 through 2005, use of atypical antipsychotic drugs grew fastest among children ages 10-19."

I guess this just means that kids are getting nuttier and nuttier younger and younger or... Now, that would just be conspiracy theorizing...

But... ATYPICAL?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/8/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Self-Abuse Haiku

When masturbating

Penalty of fifteen yards

For roughing the pisser

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/8/2006:

> Subject: Australian Anti Terrorist Plan

>

> We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his

> wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Sunday at 4

> p.m., all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked

> to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Hmm.

Well. I guess we're slowly becoming known as a primary news source for... News like this.

Now, if every Islamic male were to commit suicide--setting aside for a moment here things like, oh, practicality--then it wouldn't only be terrorists dying.

But perhaps this isn't to be taken with utmost seriousness. Perhaps... Oh. I get it. (Naked chicks.)

We're behind this 100 percent!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2006:

Al Gore, career long in the tooth,

brings with flick "Inconvenient Truth"

to enviro-cause

same ol' yawning maws

he brought to '00 voting booth!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2006:

Headline:

"Young people's virginity pledges don't last long, study concludes."

But never fear. As long as their names are on those pledges long enough to feed fuzzy math on "abstinence only" education, they've done their part...

So Neil Young is endorsing Democratic rising but-hasn't-done-dick star Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) for president.

Never mind that the next election is still two years off. Never mind that Obama hasn't indicated any desire to run.

And while we're never minding, never mind that although Young is a musician--thus making his living off the First Amendment--and Obama was one of the fascist voices threatening the entertainment industry with Congressional oversight, Young is still supporting him.

It's not that Democrats can do whatever they want and still get the "progressive" vote or anything, no. It isn't that shlubs like Gore and Kerry have crafted the Democratic Party into "Republican Light" or anything.

No.

It's because Obama is black. And there's been a job opening for some time in the party for Golden Boy. Oh, and, of course, his grandfather or father or whatever shaved goat balls for a living in Africa or some such rags-to-riches dreck.

Really...

Headline:

"Pacific Whales Getting Injured by Watcher Boats"

And once we get radical Greepeacers going after those wannabe hippie tourists, we may actually have the first "reality" TV show worth tuning in to...

Saw a guy on the train yesterday playing a shell game.

This is not a metaphor. The guy was actually seeking contestants for a literal shell game.

A member of the public took him up on the offer.

Speaking of metaphors.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2006:

More doctors lead patients in prayer--

seems suspect 'neath logic's cold glare.

But though it seems odd

a'prayin' to God's

all many now have for "healthcare."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2006:

Reminder:

Bird Flu's gonna kill us all!

Really.

It's comin'. We know they've been saying that for a while now, but it's true.

Again: Bird Flu's a'comin'.

Any minute now...

David Blaine, alleged "magician," had to be rescued in New York as he tried to break the record for holding his breath underwater.

We think he should concentrate on the Ultimate Disappearing Act.

Which might have been accomplished if rescue authorities would've dilly-dallied a minute or two more...

Headline:

"Lesbians' Brains Similar to Straight Men's"

How can we concentrate on a cure for cancer when shocking studies like these await?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/10/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Pez Etiquette

Contrary to apparently popular belief, there is an elaborate etiquette system surrounding delicious Pez candy and delightful Pez dispensers.

Well, when you give someone a Pez dispenser, it should be full of Pez candy and it should come with some spare rolls of Pez. Even if you're passing along a used and/or hand-me-down Pez dispenser.

And... Well, that's about it.

Guess "elaborate" is in the mouth of the Pez holder.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2006:

's'Been what, year since they issued call?

(Wonder what caused virus to stall?)

But you wait and see--

won't spare you or me--

soon Bird Flu will kill one and all!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2006:

There is a movement pushing for Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) to resign after checking himself into drug rehab for the second time in five months.

There is another movement pushing to leave him alone and support him in his time of excuses...er, need.

Bizarrely enough, although there are many nuances to the issue, these movements line up strictly along Republican and Democrat lines, respectively.

DL/S&Y's revised opinion:

You get compassion on this type of thing once. Second "treatment" stint, visit to the voodoo doctor, what have you, potato-potahto--you're outta here, whether you're a U.S. Representative or a fry cook.

We'll revise our position further once those zillions wasted...er, spent regularly to prove that addiction is a "disease" actually do so.

Or when the moon explodes and rains green cheeze over the earth, whichever comes first...

A University of Chicago study finds that women can usually tell, just from looking at a guy, whether he's the testosterone-laden or the sensitive type.

Interesting and all, despite not offering much hope for women's constant search for Mr. Right. After all ,the study didn't find that women can detect whether a guy has, or has not, the most desired trait among woman kind: Assholeism...

Words of the wise, compliments of DL/S&Y:

Late to bed and early to rise, makes a man...well, a bit nutty, actually.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2006:

Folks feel losers turn-on Divinity

so we push kids to pledge virginity.

But studies show now

that most still drop trou

when date's found with mut'al affinity.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2006:

A new book by lesbian vice presidential daughter Mary Cheney calls former VP challenger John Edwards a "total slime" for bringing up her sexual orientation during a presidential debate (concerning the topic of same-sex marriages and homosexuality which, of course, Cheney's ilk...well, if you don't know, you've got some research to do).

We're curious as to what Mary will say once she comes out of the closet.

No, not THAT closet. The literal one Dick keeps her in until at least after his VP term...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who pay even a modicum of attention to national affairs have likely noticed that Chicago's City Hall is under investigation and just lousy with Feds lately. Not to mention Chicago's reputation as... Let's call it the Paris Hilton of governmental ethics.

The same SYGs may have noted that the U.S. Olympic Committee is in a similar state, and has been over the last bunch of hostings.

According to Chicago's Mayor Richard Daley, what Chicago needs amid all of this is to host the Olympics in the sorta, semi-near future.

Peter Ueberroth, chairman of U.S. Olympic Committee, visited the city this week and announced that "Chicago is going in the right direction" to eventually host the Olympics.

Think on that.

Not sure what the hell we can add to that...

Now, we don't watch the show "Fear Factor" because...well, it's hella-lame, that's the "because," and if we wanted to see that type of thing, we'd hit a sports bar and dare some frat boy to eat bugs, bribing him with shots or something.

But we have a suggestion for the "show":

Brussels sprouts!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/12/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: ChicagoPoetry.com

Chicagopoetry.com... Has poetry. From Chicago poets.

What more can I say?

(Oh. Worst music/arts critic on the planet checking in, by the way.)

More appropriately, when analyzing the content and stuff, what more SHOULD I say?

Well... It has linked Daily Limerick. And now we'll have linked them.

Enjoy!--http://www.chicagopoetry.com

(Or at least take a look.)

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/12/2006:

> SUBJECT: World S.U.M.O. Challenge

Now and then we get a letter and wonder how the hell we landed on the e-mail list in question.

As far as we can fathom, this must have something to do with our National Salisbury Steak Day initiative.

And then we received another manifesto, speaking of in-box riffraff--this one from the Democratic wing of the Repulicrat party:

> SUBJECT: Corruption in Bush's Cabinet

Corruption? In the Bush administration? Well, I guess that, these days, it takes a political party to produce shocking, investigative journalism.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2006:

A man went too far with the lube

in bangin' some slut's ample boobs

at a retro bash.

Both rolled around trashed...

Whoops! "Butt stole" the host's Rubik's Cube!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2006:

Headline:

"FDA Approves Pill That Cuts Buzz From Smoking, Eases Withdrawal"

Why bother with passe crap like, oh, willpower--when you can transfer addiction from one drug to another, and still ensure that somebody's profiting?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2006:

Now "Fear Factor's" hot 'cause it touts

some gross-ass stuff eaten by louts.

Spiders bugs and worms?

Just don't make me squirm.

Try making 'em eat Brussels sprouts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2006:

University of Alaska researchers have found that moose were at least partially responsible for the extinction of wooly mammoths, thanks to their eating habits.

So, PETA... Is it time to put "moose" on that list of species you don't have to care about? Right after, say, humans?...

From a sports story on a New York Yankees (perhaps obviously) foreign player:

"Immediately following surgery to repair a broken wrist that will sideline him for at least three months, Hideki Matsui apologized for getting hurt."

Apologized? For getting hurt? Didn't blame The Media?

Wow. And this one was right next to a picture box featuring ol' Shrinkie Dink Nuts, famed Media Surly Pants Barry Bonds!

Even when millions of bucks are concerned, foreigners are taking jobs that Americans don't seem to want...

Headline and deck:

"Suspect May Have Contacted Other Girls on MySpace: He's Charged With Soliciting Sex from 14-Year-Old Girl"

We've been warning you about dangerous AND hella-lame MySpace for some time. Just keep on not listening--oh, and have fun in the forest preserve!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/14/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Steak and My Dad

I've often prattled on about how I'm a quarter Polish and, thus, can get away with Polish-themed slurs. Such as: "I'm hangin' out in the hoodski with my Poleocks." (And, by the way, I still don't know how to spell that last word and you guys, being Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, have been no help whatsoever.)

Here's some proof of just how ethnic I am--and thus, how terribly, awfully oppressed my life has been, with the Non-Polish White Man keepin' me down and all:

My father thought kielbasa was steak up until high school.

Yup. My grandmother would tell him they were having "steak" for dinner whenever she made Polish sausage. So at some point in...high school, I believe, my father made a fool of himself through something like this:

"Whaddaya mean the steak you had last night was so tender it nearly fell from the 'bone'? There isn't any bone in steak!" Followed, of course, by awkward unfolding of the truth of the matter--friends learning that my father thought kielbasa was steak and my father learning that steak was something different from Polish sausage altogether.

So... There you go. I'm off to kick it with my Poleocks...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/14/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: It?

 

Does it taste like a Sunday apple

left too long on the tree?

Is it full of the flavor of jewelry?

Can you parse it as upper and lower halves?

Does it want you to cry to fully enjoy it?

 

When you place your hands against it, do you

feel the tug to write in a handwriting

that is partly your own and partly

the receding woods' snowdropped expanse?

Is it rigid like frozen butter, scratchy

like a pair of curtains?

Does it wear paint?

 

Does it live among the rocks?

Does the sea pile into it at late hours?

Is it a seldomly used interrogation?

It carries the fragrance of flowers and parks, right?

 

Is it in front of you now?

When it whispers, do you whisper back to it in shapes?

Oh yes? No no, not like that?

 

Is it lost in the swamp of a poor phoneline?

Does it excite you with silence's sweet silent song?

Do you feel its root in the tines of your fork

lifting scrambled eggs to your mouth?

Are you listening to it in puddles of words?

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/14/2006:

Responding to DL/S&Y giving "Fear Factor" a heads-up as to its recent S&Y mention:

> Thanks for your email. NBC values your comments, but unfortunately, due to the

> volume of emails we receive, we cannot respond to

> each one. Please check our FAQ section to see if your question is answered

> there:

>

> http://www.nbc.com/faq/

We dropped everything and checked into it.

Our question still wasn't answered, so maybe you guys can add it to your "FAQ": Why the hell is this "show" even on the air?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2006:

Obama has lib'rals enthralled

though brief career includes a call

to censor TV--

half-black--'Mer'can Dream!

Rose from gramps' job shaving goat balls.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2006:

To all those pissed off and extra-offended over "The Da Vici Code":

It's a novel.

Fiction.

Just like the Bible...

A Sunday story by celebrity "journalist"/ass licker Cindy Perlman cites Gary Shandling's "The Larry Sanders Show" as a pioneering show in "reality" TV.

Mmm.

Now, the show was fictional.

Why do so many have a problem with this fiction thing?

Then again, in thinking a bit more on "reality" TV, maybe she has a point...

Jim Belushi has a book out called, "Real Men Don't Apologize."

Yes THAT Jim Belushi.

And, yes, JIM Belushi.

First of all, Jim, us guys don't want you speaking as a representative. Nothing personal.

Actually, it IS personal. "According to Jim"? C'mon.

And I guess this invalidates your book but...that show? You really SHOULD apologize for it.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/15/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Eavesdropping Haiku

 

Her hearing was so

Acute, she could hear a mouse

Pissing on cotton

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2006:

As church dogma's rigid, non-pli'ble,

"Da Vinci Code's" seen as near libel.

At Church feet, don't grovel,

but folks, it's a NOVEL--

and fictional, just like the Bible.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2006:

Headline:

"Porn Films Pioneer Emerging Home-Burned DVD Market"

Oh, folks will act surprised.

But let's not forget the major reason behind the entire rise of the Internet and the New Economy.

Huh? C'mon! PORN, of course!...

Page-topping news stat:

"63 percent of Americans support the NSA program to collect information on telephone calls made in the U.S."

Headline, same day's newspaper:

"Phone Record Search Goes Too Far for Most in U.S."

Well, completely contradictory news items sorta fulfill journalistic obligations toward "objectivity," we suppose. Kinda...

Yet another Headline:

"Is It Okay to Raise a Princess?"

As someone who has dated modern women (Chief Limericist checking in, here), I can answer that--

Absolutely fucking not!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/16/2006:

> hi john

>

> i'm still in hospital, can't access your site from

> their webtv

>

> could you send the limerck over in the body of an

> email?

> thanks

>

> evything still good monday

>

> cj

It's the cat behind ChicagoPoetry.com.

Good thing he couldn't access Daily Limerick. The mere mention of a mention hospitalized 'em!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2006:

A new book does lamely advise

that "Real Men Don't Apologize."

It's by Jim Belushi--

show stinks like bad sushi

for which "sorry's" due, I assize.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2006:

Hillary Clinton, in a recent speech, claimed that young people today "think work is a four-letter word."

She hasn't confirmed a run for president in 2008 yet. But she's already working hard to alienate an important demographic, as a good modern Democrat should...

My newspaper has had all sorts of coverage lately of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" and its soon-to-be incarnation as a movie.

Hence I find this section yesterday:

"Religious Experts Set Record Straight on 'Code' Claims"

Wow. The journalism industry has finally found something to match horoscopes in pseudo-science...

Katie Couric piped-up about the fact that she's always wanted to "work with" Tony Bennett.

And now, as festivities leading up to her exit from "The Today Show," Bennett will appear on the show.

It's likely (shudder) that the two will sing a duet.

Attention actual singers:

Do NOT let celebrities carp you into indulging their dreams of singing simply because they have attained Celebrity.

Aw, who're we kidding? This is a society that's made "American Idol" the top TV show, thus actually going out of its way to listen to folks sing whose only qualification are having mouths...

Since my birthday's coming up and I'm hosting a live show this week (it's the 19th, if you wanna send nude pics courtesy of DL) (oh, and Chief Limericist checking in, here)... I wanna make one of my long-time fantasies come true:

A group of people singing to me, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

Make fun if you will. But it's a helluva lot more likely than a threesome.

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/17/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: How NOT to Cook Hard-Boiled Eggs

Once, I had a tasted for hard-boiled eggs. I hadn't made 'em before, but it seemed simple enough.

I heated the water and, when it hit a rolling boil, threw in the eggs.

The eggs, however, were cold, just out of the freezer, and the water was, of course, rather warm. So the eggs exploded.

I salvaged it, somewhat, picking out shells and making a soup of the hard-boiled-egg-esque chunks.

But let that be a lesson to you.

HINT: Put the eggs into the water BEFORE you start the boilin'.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2006:

A new "Hot 100" by Maxim

rates which stars most spur guys to whack some.

But why trust opinion

of "lad mag" who's minions

feel non-nudie nude mag attraction?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2006:

Due to the aroma it will generate, businesses in a Chicago office building are suing to stop the opening of a Garrett's Popcorn shop within the building.

Thanks, do-gooders. Now we have the issue of "secondhand popcorn"...

Around Chicago, there are a number of T-shirts worn by Cubs fans that... Well, I forget the exact wording of their "humor," but they compare last year's winning of the World Series by the White Sox to local tragedies, such as the Great Chicago Fire.

Cubs fans--perhaps the most annoying group of fans in the world--are missing the irony here. Purchasing such a shirt pumps money into the Cubs Economy, further ensuring that the Evil Corporate Empire known as the Tribune Company, which owns the Cubs and is sinister enough to be our local version of Disney, has no need to field a decent team in order to rake in dump trucks of cash.

Thus wearing (buying) such a shirt further ensures the Cubs continue to lick donkey rectum.

We're starting to suspect that Cubs fans like it that way--they find some appeal in supporting a team that will never, ever, ever win a World Series. Try as we may, we can come up with no other reason to support such a pathetic sport franchise.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2006:

Birthday of our Chief Limericist!

Gifts are nice, but here is a twist:

Swank gifts? Fine and good

but best like, I would,

to fuck something besides my fist!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2006:

Slappin' and Yappin' is taking the Chief Limericist's birthday off.

You're lucky you got a Limerick.

Ya' ass bastard Slapper Yapper Grasshoopers, you...

Oh, okay. Tomorrow's the slack off edition, as these are written the day before as a rule, so...

Today's top story (only because it, literally, appears at the top of our, er, "coverage"):

Congress has approved new immigration legislation. It's a hot-button issue lately and they felt they, as is in their job description, they had to do nothing about this issue of public importance in the guise of doing something.

This may be historic. Although politicians are known for managing to take both sides of a heated issue... Well, they approved both amnesty for illegal aliens AND putting up a honkin', 300-plus-mile wall to keep 'em out.

So THIS time, they managed to arrive at the wishy-washy middle ground by catering to BOTH nutball, extremist sides of the issue!...

Under fire for conducting secret National Security Agency phone records espionage, the Bush administration has decided to come clean about exactly what's happened...in "secret" meetings with Congress.

It's not that they have anything to hide, mind you...

Future Knucklehead Hall-of-Famer Paul E. Barnett, of Kansas City, Mo., had a $100 winning lottery ticket in 2002.

And just turned it in recently. And has apparently cashed in, after some court cases surrounding it.

So... Not only did he engage in the Ultra-Moron Investing Program of playing the lottery, but he was even incompetent at it--misplacing his ticket for years.

This guy's financial know-how makes him a prime candidate for Congress!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/19/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Hmmmph

The World's Crappiest Music "Critic" is taking his birthday off.

Naturally. Stump-pumps.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/19/2006:

> Waste has invited you to an event on MySpace!

We don't even know who the hell "Waste" is.

But somehow, given the phenomenon that is MySpace, it all makes sense.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2006:

A slut on the rag (and quite stacked!)

went parking her new Cadillac.

Hit up for sex play

the swarthy valet--

just told him to "park it in back."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2006:

Okay. THIS is it. Our day off. Considering yesterday was the Chief Limericist's birthday and today's content would have to have been written then.

Oh, alright. Demanding content, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Here's a lil' somethin':

Ppppppppppppppp!...

(And it just happens to be an Extra Cheezy Saturday, so it must be Destiny!)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2006:

So Kate Couric loves Tony Bennett

thus he'll hit today so her yen it

will thus be fulfilled;

she'll sing, with no skill.

(Guess better than "stars" joining Senate!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2006:

A company called MetroNap is engaged in the business of selling buffalo feed.

No, it's engaged in selling naps, ya' munchpumps!

They set up space in big cities and rent out rooms for people to catch a nap. Say, in the middle of a stressful workday or amid a shopping marathon.

What we really need are more breaks from physical activity, see. We're starting to look all emaciated as a society...

Learned in the business pages yesterday that substance abuse "treatment counselors" are seeking to unionize in Illinois.

I guess witch doctors are next...

Saw a "For Sale" thingie-dingy advertising a "rear projection" TV.

Guess it can only tune in BET music videos...

Noticed on a pack of smokes--actually, mini-cigars, or "Cigarettellos," as the company shills 'em--that the fags in question were "Class A."

Have yet to see "Class B" smokes. Or eggs. Or anything, for that matter.

And... Well, there's a joke here somewhere.

Really. We're sure of it.

Just giving up on finding it.

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are invited to go a'spelunking for mirth.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/21/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Riddle Me...THAT?

One Christmas, my dad bought my mom some earrings.

My mother, being the gift-curious sort, asked me for a hint as to what dad's gift would be.

I said, "You put 'em on your ears."

Shockingly enough, she guessed what her gift would be immediately.

They could've been muffs.

Hell, I wouldn't mind muff for Christmas.

(Had to throw that last line in there, so as not to let SST devolve into The Family Freakin' Circle or something.)

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/21/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Wonderful holy fools

 

Three burly men lie in the street,

t-shirted, golden smiling, stoned.

One of them holds a thick joint

like a Bible open to Ecclesiastes.

 

They reek of sweat and pot.

If you told them to get in line,

they would say they are, man.

The painted lane markers where

 

they lie are strange beds.

They stare up at the darkening underpass

and I imagine they're counting cars

and the history of faces.

 

There they are:

 

ignoring ordinary passage.

Busy building snowdrifts

in motes of dust and fractal lamps

out of headlight beams.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/21/2006:

In response to our defense of Garrett Popcorn, which is under attack in its attempt to open a new store due to the threat of "secondhand popcorn":

> Thank you!

>

> This web address has been passed on!

>

> ----------------------------

> Sincerely,

> garrettpopcorn.com Customer Service

Well, we don't have a lot of power yet here at DL. But we do have Big Popcorn on our side now.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2006:

Of phone tapping, now Bush will try

to show mere deception--no lies.

Congress'nal talk-through!

(But it's secret, too!)

Who could think he's something to hide?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2006:

Headline from Investor's Business Daily:

"Respect Tied to Worker Retention"

To bad it doesn't fit the American business model...

Speaking of American business, here's another stat on just that--in this case, American business masquerading as "culture":

"For every 99-cent song downloaded, an artist receives 4.5 cents."

This is as good a time as any to remind you that the Music Industry is pathetically failing only because of illegal downloads.

That measly 94.5 cents has to be split among a dozen poor executives, you know!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/22/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Second City Haiku

 

If laughter is the

Best medicine, then why is

John Belushi dead?

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2006:

A company called MetroNap

sells snooze space to those worker saps

who plan their time poorly

so shell out demurely--

our Economy thrives on pap!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2006:

Recently stumbled-upon stat:

Two years... They've outlawed pub smoking in the last two years.

But do-gooder-addled politician types keep citing stats "proving" that, despite Talibanesque smoking ultimatums, revenues are up, up, up!

Must be something else, then...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2006:

By hundreds, Ireland's pubs are closing

though pols say all revenue's rosy

since do-gooders' druthers

brought smoking's Big Mother--

up's down; black's white--science is dozing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2006:

Headline:

"Cops: Vanity Plates Led to Arrest"

So even vanity plates have some usefulness...

"'Major Education Announcement' to Be Made Today"

This particular headline pertains to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Every now and then, politicians come up with a new shell game, shifting money from here to there, for the all important matter of appearing to be doing something about the hopeless joke that is inner-city public education...

Headline:

"Oprah's Fitness Book May Set Nonfiction Record"

Coming headline: "Bin Laden's Book on Non-Violence Tops Bestseller List"...

Chicago has a new WNBA team, The Sky, for us to ignore.

Oh, I guess we shouldn't be pessimistic. Perhaps there's hope for women's pro basketball, despite history and all.

Hope. Yes, hope. It's not as if they're completely doomed--after all, it's not the NHL...

Speaking of sports, here's our reminder that fair-weather fandom is the American Way:

If you go to your favorite burger stand and get a sandwich full of maggots, nobody says, "Aw, c'mon! You stick by your burger stand through thick and thin--what are you, a fair-weather fan?"

Nope.

So don't pay attention to your local sports team if they suck, at least if the team appears to be taking no serious measures to combat the problem.

PS: The Cubs are a burger being carried across the room on the backs of maggots...

With all the talk of prom in the news lately, and the oft-repeated credo that "the memories will last a lifetime," the Chief Limericist just has to with in:

I guess the memories last--they at least come up when I see the stories about prom.

But it wasn't anything all that great. Save your money:

Prom sucks ass!

You (may have) heard it hear first!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/24/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Great Hot Pockets Coupon Scam

It all started with a semi-regular Hot Pockets purchase.

A week later, my grocer's "Preferred Card" hooked me up with a coupon for $.50 off the purchase of two Hot Pockets, which I utilized.

Another week or two, $.75 off three Hot Pockets.

It went all the way up to $1.25 off five Hot Pockets.

Then, I had to stop the madness. There's only so much Hot Pockets one man can eat, even if he's a Chief Limericist.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2006:

For each 99-cent download

a whole 4.5 cents are thrown

to musical artists.

Up profits? Here's start-es:

Slash executives by buttloads!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2006:

An ad on the bus filled me in to the fact that you can get a free T-shirt and DVD for joining the Army Reserve!

Cushy side job and all. What could go wrong?

Don't pay too much attention to the boring news, boy, what with movies and MTV to occupy your time. Did we mention the DVD?...

Headline on newspaper editorial:

"Taking it to the Next Level: Graduation is a Time to Hope"

I guess we all want to do something to ensure we'll earn a decent wage, health insurance and other benefits.

And given...well, reality, I suppose that's the best advice we can give: Start hopin'!...

Years back, British comic Benny Hill filmed a sketch in which a man, out of curiosity, points a remote control at his wife and, amazingly, discovers he can pause her, rewind her, etc.--and the phenomenon works on buses he'd otherwise have just missed and with all sorts of things.

The sketch explores the major possibilities of such a situation and ends without doing the subject to death, clocking in at five minutes, tops.

Now Adam Sandler has a new movie called "Click," in which some guy discovers a remote control can work on the objects in his life. Clocking in, we guess, at 90 minutes or so.

So... Well, we guess those facts kinda speak for themselves...

We're sick of people in cities, like the one we live in--Chicago--goin' coastal.

That's not a typo. Didn't mean "goin' postal."

We mean the unfortunate circumstance whereby cities across the U.S. use the likes of New York and L.A. as some sort of model for legislation, trends, etc. The Reefer Madness II of "secondhand smoke" scam/paranoia, idolization of crap from Hollywood/Broadway, embracing of dipshit marketing trends ala "metrosexuality," etc.

So there's a new term for ya', "goin' coastal."

Use it with glee--and a bit of a tingle in the britches...

Britches?...

Headline:

"It's Not Teens' Fault That Their Role Models Are So Dumb"

Hmm. We thought that, in order for one to be a "role model," it's a give-and-take, takes-two-to-tango thing that... Oh, why bother. Nothing's the responsibility of the individual anymore...

We were wondering recently: Why would a baseball fan in Chicago remain a Cubs fan, at this point? (As if the last century or so wasn't enough, doomsday wise, even without the recent White Sox championship.)

It's not as if fans know the team players personally. Or as if the players are even Chicagoans, much less divided conveniently among North Side and South Side natives. In fact, there seems to be no rationale for the decision at all, other than the family one is born into and the idiocy of (and sports marketing genius behind) the idea of "die-hard fans."

But then we thought... Why question people making irrational decisions on something as frivolous as baseball team loyalty when they use the same "rationale" for picking a system of belief concerning the meaning of the universe?

Confused? It's called "religion"...

What's all this talk about the mystery of the "Meaning of Life"?

MEANING of Life?

Given all WE'VE witnessed, we've dedicated our lives to finding the PUNCHLINE of life.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/25/2006:

> Dear John "Sloop",

>

> Thank you for contacting us and visiting Hotpockets.com!...

>  

> Your friends at HOT POCKETS(R) and Nestle USA

We know this is a cheap way to beef up our LETTERS TO THE IDIOT--e-mailing the site of something mentioned to give a "heads up" of a DL/S&Y mention and publishing the automatic response--but we're just tickled mauve to get correspondence of any sort from the Delight that is Hot Pockets.

Plus, we learn that they're tied-in with Nestle, which is perhaps our most delightfully favorite chocorific experience! The crunch is the best o' the bunch!

And they're now our FRIENDS! Did you catch that?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2006:

Though teen girls sure find it the bomb

'less boys' help comes from dad and mom

there're much cheaper ways

to get yourself laid

and mem'ries? Pfft! Just blow-off prom!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2006:

The African nation of Namibia plans to declare a national holiday if Angelina Jolie has her baby there.

People tend to forget that they're oppressed and starving to death when an opportunity for celebrity worship presents itself...

Reba McEntire, on the hella-lame Academy of Country Music Awards:

"If the Dixie Chicks can sing with their foot in their mouths, surely I can host this sucker."

Reba remains every bit as "funny" as her sitcom.

But, for the record, we'd like to see the Dixie Chicks with their feet in their mouths.

Actually, just the Chief Limericist. For the record, anyway.

But the S&Y Psychiatric Couch is still in semi-retirement, so we'll leave it at that.

***

DAILY LIMERICK/SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' SUCCESS STORY (MAYBE) 5/26/2006:

Following up on a "news" story earlier this week... The Garrett Popcorn store will be allowed to open in a Chicago office building after all, despite the threat of "secondhand popcorn."

And they owe it all to the "media" attention from Daily Limerick.

Well, they owe some.

A brief Googlin' didn't bring me a link to give you guys, but if you wanna tell those building owners what you think, you may look into the Ford Center/Oriental Theatre, 32 W. Randolph, Chicago.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 5/26/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rock 'n' Roll "Camps"

I don't know if it's life imitating a "Simpsons" episode or, well, you know, the reverse, but rock 'n' roll camps.

I've heard the debates for some time and was hesitant but... This officially means that rock 'n' roll is dead.

And to "The Who"? It DID live long, relatively speaking...

For that matter, the video game "Guitar Hero" has to be one of the lamest things in the history of lame-ity.

Now, if you've played it only once or twice, just to test the hype, and/or if you're a 12-year-old, it's okay.

Otherwise, if you're really into PRETENDING you're a freakin' rock star, spending all your time going through the motions for a GAME when you might be spending that time LEARNING FREAKIN' GUITAR (there's a concept for you)... Well, realize that suicide gets a bad rap. In some cases. For some people...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2006:

A man had a threesome fandango

in back of his ol' Dodge Durango.

When caught by his girl

gave this 'scuse a whirl:

Less guilty, 'cause took THREE to tango!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2006:

DL/S&Y firmly believes that the human race is doomed (and we've longed harped on this--see the 'Chives). The stupid and otherwise undesirable are the likeliest to reproduce, Moron Majority, existence of the Segway... Reasons are far too numerous to list here. Or on all the paper exiting on Planet Earth, for that matter.

But we've realized another plus to this:

It removes a great weight from our shoulders. Oh, well try, in our own sick little way, to make the world a better place and all. But there's nothing to get too worked up about because, well, we're doomed. Who cares?

Oh, the happiness of doom!

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/27/2006:

Whaddaya know! We actually have a Saturday letter--and it's cheezy to boot:

>SUBJECT: Press Passes for GAS Conference

Hmm.

We'll pass on the GAS conference, thank you.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2006:

If WNBA sells--

hist'ry says it won't, but don't tell

'cause that's not P.C.

but it's more likely

to last than the lame NHL!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2006:

Read a newspaper reference this week to "funnyman Bruce Vilanch."

We beg to differ.

Talk about a term that needs a licensing system...

David Lee Roth on his perception that Van Halen will reunite him as lead singer:

"It's not rocket surgery."

True, it is not. And if we ever have a close friend or family member who happens to be a rocket in desperate need of medical care, we won't be going to you.

***

DL/S&Y CALL TO ARMS 5/28/2006:

Reba McEntire's Web site has blocked Daily Limerick from accessing it!

(Well, we tried her site a couple times and it didn't work the other day, after giving "heads ups" to our bashing...er, featuring of her in  a recent edition, so we're jumping to the radical conclusion that she has blocked us.)

So, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, this means it is your DUTY to visit the site yourselves and blast her and her Godawful sitcom with obnoxious e-mail!

You must defend Daily Limerick's honor!

http://www.reba.com

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 5/28/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Treating the Homeless as You Would Anybody Else

DL/S&Y, especially its the Chief Limericist, have mused over the years on its/his attitudes toward the homeless.

Recently, I (you know who checking in) read a newspaper column about treating the homeless like any other acquaintances. That is, rather than giving money, saying "hello," "how are you?" "nice weather," etc.

I thought I'd try this with a "regular" homeless guy I encounter. That went okay.

Then I ran into a different homeless person and thought, "You know, I have actual FRIENDS, and long-term ones, whom I sorta avoid when I'm expecting them to mooch off me."

That was enough of that noise.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 5/28/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE"BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: A sign in Chinatown

 

We walked through Chinatown last night.

The Velvet Turtle was abandoned, dark,

the front lot full of weeds. I had never

been there except in her stories. The

sign still stood out front, a silly thing.

 

Beyond that, another restaurant. The

Mayflower. She told me it used to be

smaller, and the menu was completely

different. Next door, a closed up, locked up

place. It was the old Mayflower she remembered.

 

All the chairs were still set out.

The lobster tank was full of slimy water

but no lobsters. The old menu was taped

up on the walls, next to art that hadn't

yet been taken down. It was a case and a cage

for her memories.

 

Back to the sign: The Velvet Turtle

looked dapper in his tuxedo, top hat

and monocle. How many people has he

seen walking by or driving by

on their way out of the city?

 

The answer is none.

He's just a sign, man.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 5/28/2006:

> A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its

> recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address(es) failed:

>

> commercial@republicofnambia.net

> Unrouteable address

Hmm. This is in, er, reply, sort of, to the e-"heads up" we sent to the nation of Namibia through its Web site.

Strange that a starving, barren nation would have a screwed-up Web site, isn't it?

Hmm. This isn't the best letter for fun-making now, is it?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2006:

We used to fear folks "Goin' Postal"--

for while, seemed what all feared the most-al!

Whole nation's grown flaky,

smoke bans with science shaky--

we now fear the Heartland's "Gone Coastal"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2006:

Pensive Memorial Day to one and all. ("Happy" just doesn't seem right, given the holiday's meaning.)

And lest you go bashing Bush, realize that he's quite active in the Memorial Day cause--ensuring future generations will never run out of folks killed in battle to memorialize...

This coming Thursday night, the "2006 National Spelling Bee" will air on television.

No, no, not a typo or editorial confusion--the Bee is not just OCCURING, it is actually being televised.

You know. For people to watch. "Entertainment."

When's the last time we thanked "American Idol" for glorifying the cultural terrorism that is karaoke? What's next? "2007 ACT Tests"?...

Speaking of "reality" TV contests, the next season's host of the stand-up competition show, "Last Comic Standing," is Anthony Clark.

And, yes, we know it sounds like an owl in heat within your head right now, so we'll fill you in: He's from the TV show "Yes, Dear."

All this time, we've been looking for the perfect anecdote or trivia to connote the sorry state of modern stand-up--and it sneaks up and bites us right in the ass through our in-newspaper TV Prevue section...

Noted that a pre-recorded Shania Twain concert qualifies as "Family Viewing" in the aforementioned TV Prevue.

It's a natural, I suppose. Her propensity toward showing skin nets her the kids market--ala Britney, various Simpsons, Duffs and such--and the fact that she dumped her long-time husband after attaining fame must lock in the rest of the "family" genre.

Why, she's downright Disney!...

Just a tip for newspaper designers, copy editors or whoever is in charge of headlines these days... Well, here's a headline for a "Home" section story:

"'Famous Big Dinners' for Family in Matteson"

You might not wanna tag that next to a photo of a couple who looks like they should downsize those dinners.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 5/29/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Plastic Surgery Haiku

 

Bosom enhancement

Operation; doctor wants

Big up-front payment

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2006:

This year's National Spelling Bee

will be our sick fix on TV.

Kids' humiliation

joins rest of the nation's

shifts of "fame" through "reality."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2006:

Pope Benedict XVI made an announcement at the site of the infamous Nazi prison camp Auschwitz, asking, of He above: "Why, Lord, did you Remain Silent?"

Practically speaking, it would've been more productive to have asked, "Why, Catholic Church, did you remain silent?"...

Awoke in the 'burbs yesterday morning and took a walk, to get coffee and a newspaper and have a cigar.

Most of the pedestrian way I stumbled upon doubled as a bike/walkers' path and I found myself extremely self-conscious about where I was blowing smoke, despite being outdoors, amid all the health chasers.

Leading me to the conclusion that what we really need now are "smokers' paths."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2006:

The concept of "fair-weather" fan

implies by your team, you must stand.

Yet you don't spend earned bucks

on most crappy products

so act the same: Try diff'rent brand!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2006:

The commercial that brought us the seemingly omnipresent Phrase of Annoyance, "Whassup?!" is getting some sort of advertising industry award.

There are details, of course. But we try to ignore these types of things. CELEBRATING advertising? Hmmph.

Let this be a lesson to you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

If the "Whassup?!" commercial is being awarded, and it brought one of the most annoying trends in the history of the universe, you have a good clue as to what "good" advertising is truly meant to accomplish...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 5/31/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Long Over-Duo

I've oft wondered why confectioners and the like have neglected to offer a combination which, to us, seemed a natural: Chocolate and pistachio.

(Chief Limericist checking in here.)

Pistachios being, of course, one of the finer nuts. And I know nuts! Even the non-human kind!

Well, I attended an art opening in the Chicago neighborhood of Pilsen (would give you the name, address, etc., but my note-taking was off, I don't feel like looking into and they were giving me dirty looks for eating too much from their spread, so there). At this opening, which occurred in a gallery known for both art AND chocolate, chocolate pistachios were one of the offerings.

Mmmm.

Now, maybe I just didn't look into it enough. Perhaps chocolate pistachios have been with us all along... But I'm no slack when it comes to da snack. So, if nothing else, I know that the Combo o' Delight is at least rare.

Did I say "mmmm"?

Since this night of choco-pistachio destiny, I've also happened upon retailer Trader Joe's special chocolate/pistachio-coated toffee.

Great appetites think alike.

There is hope in the world. If you know where to look.

Well, if you work hard enough accidentally stumbling into the hope, anyway.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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