Daily Limerick
Archives: October 2006

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 10/1/2006:

As we enter month of October,

which bad DJs have dubbed "Rocktober,"

gay porn shops, get hip--

here's marketing tip:

Mount a sale and call it, "Cocktober"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/1/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Ten days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

Headline:

"Now It's OK to Eat Most Fresh Spinach, FDA Says"

"Most" spinach? How helpfful.

Something tells us that someone from FEMA's now onboard at the FDA...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/1/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Friends Don't Help Friends Pick-Up Chicks

Now, I'm semi-newly single (or unattached, call it what you will--Chief Limericist checking in, here). So I'm sorta, kinda making the "go out and hit on chicks" rounds. In my own shy, slow, careful manner.

Now, I don't go to "singles" bars or events. And I am back to a point in singledom where I don't get buggy if I'm for some reason without plans on a Saturday night or whatever, so I end up doing mostly things that I'm "involved" in, or whatever you call it. As an artist, and an art writer/editor, I hit gallery opening receptions, for instance. And I make the rounds doing my poetry and comedy. I occasionally got to see someone in poetry, comedy, music, etc. whom I respect. That sort of thing.

The common reasoning goes that it's best to hit up on chicks while out with friends, or a group of some sort. And there is some inherent sense in this idea--you look more "popular" and "social" and all that noise to prospective mates.

But mostly, I think that approach is a load of steaming hippo crap.

For instance, recently I was at galleries with a friend and cohort. I was interested in scoping the scenes, wasting a little extra time in the venues with a seemingly unattached hottie or two. My pal was interested in hitting as many openings as he could--having a Lady to go home to and all. So I didn't get much hittin' accomplished.

And then, of course, there are the hubbubs that occur even if your friend(s) IS/ARE single. "I saw her first"; "I ain't takin' the fat one!"; etc. Oh, and there's the bad advice. The unsolicited, second-hand second guessing ("HER"? I think you should go talk to the one over THERE!").

As a slice-of-real-life example, one time a friend and I met a couple of girls at a mall (it was high school). We went out later that night, ended up parking somewhere in my car, I started getting somewhere with my date and... My friend, in the backseat, kept cracking jokes. Little by little, with bathroom breaks and the like, he indicated that he was extra nervous for some reason, wasn't sure she liked him, etc. etc. My date even asked, "Why isn't Bill hitting on Tina? She really likes him"--which I passed on to Bill--but it was a no-go. And the failure had nothing to do with my actions. (Not to mention that she was really hot. I'm actually getting a bit pissed at Bill even NOW in thinking about it again.)

I've met most of the women in my life in going out stag--or through at least briefly ditching my friend or group of friends. In fact, I can only think of one girlfriend I met through the mingling-in-a-group approach.

So I advise you to screw the common wisdom on this one. Then again, I suppose everybody's different--and perhaps I'm just weird. Which would explain a lot.

Hell. Which DOES explain a lot.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/1/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The ice in Essex

 

Ice tastes like trees far up these rocky hills.

The ice on the road feels like a shove toward

prominence, the car in pirouette feels like your body

traveling faster than dreams' sleepy colors.

Ice is hot at the moment of realization. Before you

stop spinning, the world is never cold. The snow all

around is multicolored quiet, crystalline hushed.

The radio comes back loud from the place it went to

as you gather yourself back to the center of gravity.

In the afterlight of exploration,

you bless your trembling breath, opened to the wonder

of your life.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/1/2006:

Responding to yesterday's edition, wherein odd classified ad terminology was explored:

> "professional roomate".

>  

> That's awesome.

>

> Someone should take that phrase and run with it.

>

> I've been really enjoying your mailings, by the way. I like your writing style.

> a

By mailings, of course, "a" refers to her being on the Special Daily Limerick E-Mail Edition List.

But, apparently, far too many are taking that phrase and running with it. Perhaps somebody should take it and run AWAY from the classifieds with it.

s

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/2/2006:

"Some" spinach, FDA now deem-a's

okay to eat--raw, steamed or cream-a'd.

Oh, THAT's really nice!

What kind of advice

is that--have they hired folks from FEMA?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/2/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Nine days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

We didn't intend to focus on the Great Spinach Crisis of 2006 so intently here at DL/S&Y but, well, we y'ar what we y'ar...

The Peanut Industry is working on inventing a "nut-free" peanut.

You see, er, that is, grown in a certain way as to eliminate whatever it is that disturbs those with peanut allergies.

Yet, "nut-free" is what they're goin' with.

Trust us--or at least our Chief Limericist--on this: Nothing, that is, absolutely nothing in life, can be guaranteed "nut-free"...

We saw a guy this weekend who looked like... Well, like he was a John Caldwell character.

You know, a creation of the artist/writer for MAD Magazine?

Thankfully, we don't see a lot of Basil Wolverton models. And, arguably, everybody's pretty much a Mort Drucker. Of the women who have been hitting on the Chief Limericist as of late, Don Martin's also pitching in...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 10/2/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Furniture Haiku

 

A sofa soufflé

Is a couch potato with

A foreign accent

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/3/2006:

So we read the nut industry

seeks to grow a nut that's..."nut-free," (?)

which means free of allergens--

but from life, trust me friends--

I've tried, but "nut-free" can't be!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/3/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Eight days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

Just thought of something:

If the "nut industry" (as referred to in today's Limerick, and yesterday's Slappin' and Yappin') grows in power, and is painted more and more the bad guy, what with "injuring" all those helpless nut-allergic kids who number 1 outta 500 or whatever...will it be referred to as "Big Nuts"?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/4/2006:

If the Peanut Industry juts

into the non-P.C. land rut

thanks to allergies--

then markets to wees!--

will we dub the business "Big Nuts"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/4/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Seven days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

As was the case with the Great Spinach Debacle of 2006, we didn't originally intend to follow the peanut industry's quest on a daily basis either.

Food industry folks can nonetheless feel free to send us samples of product...

Was reading about Internet/chat room codes the (mostly) young'uns are using on MySpace and such--you know, ala "PGWCFP," or "Parents Gone; Willing to be Chopped-up in Forest Preserve," and we came up with one of our own. We suggest using it all the time:

LAME.

Acronym? Er, no. Just "LAME," as is. A "HELLA-" prefix is optional...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/4/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Popcorn With Cheez-Its

I've made another late-night, snack frenzy, accidental discovery!

Take a handful of plain popcorn, mix with a handful of Cheez-Its delightful snack crackers and...WHAM! Cheeze popcorn flavor, with a bit of crunch!

Try it tonight!

Or the next time you're up at 2 a.m., hyped-up for some inexplicable reason and with growling stomach...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/4/2006:

Again, we generally keep non-DL/S&Y e-mail out of this section, but here's another, er, "interesting" missive regarding my room for rent (Chief Limericist checking in, here):

> On 10/2/06 11:42, "Carolyn Martins" <carolyn_martins@yahoo.com> wrote:

> Hi,

> i read about the ad about the room.i hope it is still available. My name is

> Carolyn 26 ,single ,i work as a professional Model.How much is the monthly

> fee.How long can i have the lease

> because i intend to come down for a modelling conference so i think i cn have it

> for 3 month.Please do email me back with the details of the room.

>

> Carolyn

NOTE: Another apparently clueless inquirer--rent, lease length and other basic particulars are in every ad I'm running--and, mysteriously, another "model."

Now this is where Letters to the Idiot becomes a public service, as we've discovered that this type of thing must be common among those seeking to rent space under "roommates." After I replied, under great suspicion:

> Hi John.

>     Thanks for your swift response.Am into fashion modelling.We have a fashion modelling conference coming up by the end of the month. i am okay with the amount

> you charge and I will like you to know that the Agency in-charge of the

> conference I am coming for will be the one that will cater for the payment of

> the room and the mode of the payment would be of a bank check (certified check

> or money order drawn from a major bank.Let me know if you agreed with the mode

> of payment and get back to me with the following details so that the payment to

> be made to you asap.

> NAME ON THE CHECK...........

> ADDRESS FOR THE CHECK TO BE MAILED.....

> PHONE NUMBER................

>

> I will be in Arriving October 2006.i wouldn't know if you can pick me up at the

> Airport.i will email you with the scheduled dates

> Thanks,

> Carolyn

Oh, yeah. And I'll make a purposeless trip to the airport...er, pick you up at the airport, to boot!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/5/2006:

The party we call GOP,

self-dubbed one of morality,

is also, somehow

the one that's endowed

with most the sex scandals, it seems.

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/5/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Six days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

Hakan Ekinci, a Turk, hijacked an airplane and... Well, he simply had it diverted to Italy, as he was seeking political asylum.

No bombs, fires, plans of making the jet into a missile... Hmm.

Guess retro trends aren't ALL bad.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/6/2006:

Kids' Internet chat codes ain't tame

and we'd like to join in the game.

This one does spell nothin',

no acronym fussin'--

but captures idea, try: "LAME."

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/6/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Five days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

Welcome to another sporadic "fun with headlines" kinda day:

Headline:

"Bush Wants to Protect Fish, Ocean Floor from Trawling"

An environmentalist goal? Bush? Somebody get him to a doctor!...

Headline:

"Hunt for Anthrax Killer Still on 5 Years Later"

And yet (headline):

"From Civic Leader to Crack Dealer: 80-Year-Old Sentenced"

Good to see our criminal priorities in order...

Headline:

"High Calorie Diets Weigh Down Gitmo Detainees"

They may not have access to the same courts as us--but we are letting 'em in on the obesity epidemic...

Headline:

"Ax Wielding Wife Chases Husband"

C'mon! Isn't it about time we did something about this rampant woman-on-man domestic violence?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 10/6/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rethinking Cover Tunes

Cover tunes are a strange animal overall. While I'll howl disapprovingly hearing of some young hipster who doesn't realize that "These Boots Are Made for Walking" is NOT a Jessica Simpson original (for lack of a much, much better example), I admit myself to preferring some covers (or parodies) to the real thing--Steve Dahl's "Ayatollah" to The Knack's "My Sharona," for instance.

And some covers have a way of growing on you.

When I first heard Elvis' take on "Unchained Melody," off the "Aloha! from Hawaii" question, I... Well, it sounded ridiculous. Amusingly ridiculous, perhaps, but ridiculous nonetheless.

Yet after my last breakup, "Unchained Melody" was the Bawl Song--a tune that finally spurs me into crying like a sissy after a relationship's end, out of nowhere, usually weeks later and, in this case, actual months after the fact. It was only then that I realized the version had grown on me, for I sure as hell didn't grieve to The Righteous Brothers.

Strangely now, the Righteous Brothers version sounds strange. Off, really.

On a related note, I also found myself with a different perspective on "Aloha!" in general. Elvis' performance is much greater than I'd previously thought (he being drugged-up, fat and all)--and it's also a much more gut-wrenching selection of tunes than I recalled. "This Time You Gave Me A Mountain"? "It's Over"? Damn, if you're looking for a cry...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/6/2006:

Here's a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper checking in about the "model" who was "interested" in renting our Chief Limericist's spare room:

> Yeah, like any self-respecting model isn't going to be found in a dark club

> basement doing rails of blow between bird-like sips of crystal water, and

> crashing their until the show. Gimme a break.

Is there such thing as a "self-respecting model"?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/7/2006:

A sailor, stint ending as planned,

went straight to his girl on dry land

but found her mid-sleep--

soon she woke to peep

her man with his discharge in hand!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/7/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Four days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

From a classified ad:

"ONLINE STD/HIV LAB TESTS"

Oooh. It's bad enough when they shove that thin tube down your peehole. Shudder to think of an entire mouse...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/8/2006:

"The Office" has panned-out a hit,

like "reality" shows before it.

Though with show biz, world trusts

Hollywood--mimics us--

we steal all our good crap from the Brits!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/8/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Three days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

Coming soon to Sunday Story Time: The serialized tale of Sloop's (now) Former (thank God!) Derelict Renter/Roommate! Prison, poop, a cat in a bag--trust us, it's downright...something out of the ordinary...

Read this week about Nicole Richie posting something to her MySpace page.

Did some Web searching to find out that Richie actually DOESN'T HAVE HER OWN REAL WEB SITE. Just a MySpace.

New Rule: "Celebrities" with only a MySpace page and no proper Web site are not really celebrities!

Then again, in this case... Well, we suppose it goes without saying.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/8/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Day I Started Dressing Myself

It was grade school. It don't remember exactly which year but for some reason I'm thinking sixth grade.

Oh, laugh if you will. Har dee har har and all. It is to laugh.

Anyway, I went to school wearing my Cub Scout uniform, or I guess it was probably a Weebelo uniform, as I never went on to Boy Scout. At recess, some half-friend of mine asked, "Why are you wearing your Cub Scout/Weebelo uniform to school?" obviously thinking the practice to be lame.

My answer? "It's just what my mom set out for me to wear this morning"--passing the buck.

"You mean your MOM still picks out your clothes?" he said, proceeding to, of course, ridicule me. So right when I came home that day, I told my mom I was picking out my own clothes to wear from then on and the next day was... Well, The Day I Started Dressing Myself.

Honestly, I've never liked having the responsibility. Perhaps it's the Polish in me, but I'm not super confident in my fashion skills and I'd rather have somebody else pick my clothes for me. A hot chick, to be precise.

Come to think of it, there are a lot of things from childhood I wouldn't mind bringing back. For one, I'm not so crazy about wiping my ass...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/8/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Finding Heidi

 

When the photos of you filled my screen

I was struck dumb. There you are

looking into an unclouded lens

with your husband and your

five-year-old boy. You're peering

out at the world together.

From your home in California. From

trips to Australia and New Zealand.

 

From Banff of all places, that town

stays with me for its corner store cigarettes,

late night trains, vegetable pizzas hot from the oven,

kiwis for breakfast, the gentle slanting light from the

mountains, and a strained comedown with a fiancee

while her parents slept next door, we barely kissed,

her mouth tasted like raspberry wine coolers and

exhaustion and a dull tinge of mushrooms.

 

Your students

have left messages for you on your site.

The best teacher they've ever had, many say.

I remember my own sixth grade teacher and things

go surreal: there are children now who think of you

as their guidance and some are

possibly indifferent, you stride up to a blackboard

and chalk up figures that I can't read into the open space.

These figures are not for me. They are for your charges

and for your friends and for your family.

 

I will never let you know I found you today.

I won't intrude on your life with a note.

I won't look back for your face again.

 

And yes, your son looks radiant.

And you look grateful and joyous and in love.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/9/2006:

In car ad, we hear from a man,

that "from one's vehicle you can

tell lot 'bout the person"--

like whether they're nursin'

superficial "goods-make-cool" plans?

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/9/2006:

COUNTDOWN: Two days until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

The cover of yesterday's "Fluff" section of the Chicago Sun-Times trumpets a feature inside:

"Mixed Couples: She's Hot. He's Not."

The piece spotlights how men with fame and money land sexy babes without being very sexy themselves.

Who says investigative journalism is dead?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 10/9/2006:

By David Sher

TODAY'S HAIKU: Smells Fishy Haiku

A flounder is a

Flat fish that was designed by

Pablo Picasso

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/10/2006:

First Abramoff showed them corrupt

then page scandal... It'll be tough:

With GOP scandal

how will the Dems handle

screwing this next election up?

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/10/2006:

COUNTDOWN: One day until Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Mark your calendars for October 11th!...

It appears that baby killers Andrea Yates and Dena Schlosser have become friends in the Texas mental hospital where they both now reside.

Add a couple more to that group and they just might manage the previously unthinkable--becoming more unsavory than the "Sex and the City" bunch...

There is a nationwide company called "Baby Loves Disco" that produces events where parents dance to disco music--and include their innocent, unknowing toddlers.

As you can see, while the Mark Foley case may divert you, unchecked Evil, of a sort which can destroy far more lives than those of a few pages, runs rampant...

Although it's usually easy to identify, thanks to the junk e-mail industry for including a "Subject" line note to further help point-out which e-mail to kill immediately: "This is not spam"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/10/2006:

Regarding the last Sunday Story Time, wherein I mentioned a tale surrounding my involvement in Cub Scouts and or "Weebelos" (the bunch between the Cub and Boy Scouts):

> I hate to be a stickler, but it's Webelos, not Weebelo. ("WE'll BE LOyal

> Scouts" not "WEEvils BEcome LOyalists," which as you can see, makes NO

> fucking sense).

First of all, we don't think you really HATE being a stickler. You grinned like a priest in a boys' locker room while penning that letter.

Secondly... Well, we don't really care.

But... Weevils?

What kinda sick bastards read this dreck, anyway?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/11/2006:

With war, famine, hurricanes, quakes

our world can be bit much to take.

So drown all your troubles

in hot gravy bubbles

and celebrate Sal'sbury Steak!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/11/2006:

It's Daily Limerick's Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day! (AKA, National Salisbury Steak Awareness Day.) Don't forget the green beans, rolls, milk and buttered noodles (or, if you must, mashed potatoes and corn)!...

From a Bloomberg News photo caption:

"South Korean soldiers man their post Monday near the demilitarized zone..." Hmm.

A demilitarized zone--with soldiers.

In any event, if that stressed-out caption writer and both North and South Korea just sat down for some Salisbury steaks, the world would be a better place.

In fact, we think that Salisbury steak can solve all the world's problems...

...Headline:

"Bull's 7-Hour Rampage Puts New Delhi in a Dilly"

See?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/11/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: National Salisbury Steak Day Memories

Salisbury Steak Day is a time for family, togetherness and... Well, it's a holiday, ain't it? Well AIN'T IT?

Anyway, send in your memories of National Salisbury Steak Days past. Yes, we realize this is only the second one, but still.

We'll start:

Um... Hmm.

We made a lot of noodles last year.

Okay. Your turn...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 10/11/2006:

Now this one's especially interesting starting with the fact that it derives from Daily Limerick being contacted through our voicemail.

(Yes, we do have some form of telephone contact hidden away on the site. Now forget about that completely ya' nutclusters and pay attention!)

In a recent Sunday Story Time, the Chief Limericist questioned the accepted wisdom of picking-up chicks with friends, as opposed to stag--and he cited a high school incident wherein he and a pal went out with some chicks they met at a mall and the pal dropped the ball, so to speak, resulting in no lovin' for either party.

So, steering a rear wheel or two accidentally over the border into Bizarro World, the friend in question checked in via the voicemail. (What voicemail? Right!). We excerpt and sorta paraphrase:

> I'm calling for Sloop...You're right... You can't really pick up chicks with

> other guys, and I'm sorry I pissed you off with Tina and Jackie... For you to

> get pissed off about it, to this day, irks me off... Whatever...

Confidential to FEELING JERKED AROUND IN JOHNSBURG (We guess it's not confidential at this point, but we always wanted to play "advice columnist," so indulge us):

Perhaps you misunderstood--but I'm (Chief Limericist checking in, here) only "pissed-off" in the sense that I was back in high school. That is, I wince over screwing that opportunity up--but that doesn't mean I don't consider you a friend or waste much time or energy thinking about the incident. Plus, judging from most of my relations with women since that point, you probably did me a favor. Why didn't you leave a phone number? Or e-mail me, so I could get back to you? Oh, and P.S.: Eat Salisbury steak tonight!

DAILY LIMERICK: Reuniting old friends...in a Bad Way!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/12/2006:

So Andrea Yates found friend fit-ty

with Dena Schlosser--both killed kiddies.

Few more their bunch bright'ning

and they're near as fright'ning

as windbags of "Sex and the City"!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/12/2006:

Headline:

"India Bans Child Labor"

Well. There's goes Wal-Mart's latest expansion plans...

For those of you who think nobody, but nobody of any importance pays attention to Daily Limerick... Yesterday was the DL-founded "Second Annual National Salisbury Steak Day," which we began proclaiming and heralding more than a week back.

President Bush has declared this, "National School Lunch Week."

Hmm.

Hmm, indeed.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/13/2006:

TV, like Iraq war's, undone

each fall--good programs get the gun!

While ill conceived yens--

war, "Two'n' a Half Men"--

plod on when they should "cut 'n' run"!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/13/2006:

Headline:

"MySpace Used to Show Probation Violation"

Whadday know. MySpace IS good for something!...

(Sigh.)

Tough to come up with much today. Post-holiday blahs and all.

All the excitement, the gatherings, the gifts, the laughter--you can't help but feel let down afterward. Another National Salisbury Steak Day, come and gone...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 10/13/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Social Sports Fandom

Some people drink socially. Some people indulge other intoxicants--say, wacky tobaccy-socially. Hell, I've even heard tell that some people have sex with other human beings, too, and I'd kinda like to try that out after a Hot Pocket one of these nights. (Chief Limericist/Worst Music Critic on Earth-avoiding-music-writing-this-week checking in, here.)

Anyway, I think I've mostly become a social sports aficionado.

As a bit of an artsy-fart, I've ignored sports for many years. I've skipped watching many a Super Bowl, World Series or what-have-you. At the same time, I played multiple sports in school, understand the games, follow the basics in the newspaper and can certainly "get into" a game when watching.

So, as the cliche goes, I can take it or leave it.

Lately, I've become a social sports fan. It started last year, when the White Sox kicked such ass. Not only am I a big supporter of fair-weather fandom, but that run proved a good opportunity to bond with a friend of mine who I had a strained relationship with at the time. That segued right into football season and the artist formerly known as M'Lady happened to be into football.

This year, with no Sox involved, I'm pretty much ignoring the so-called Fall Classic (and, regardless, the regular baseball season is just too much to follow closely anyway). But I did commit to watching each Bears game, even before they started kicking buttocks. Hell, I watched the damn PRE-SEASON games.

Then again, as a friend of mine once opined, sports are really just a convenient platform for male bonding. It's a helluva lot more interesting than small talk about the weather, too.

So it seems that social sports fandom isn't uncommon at all. But it filled up THIS edition and kept me away from horrendous music writing, didn't it?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/14/2006:

A lucky guy, hung like a broom,

was "tucked down"--which led to his doom.

Met chick who looked good;

he slipped, bearing wood,

and "pole vaulted" clear 'cross the room!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/14/2006:

As the percentage of elderly citizens increases in our world of increasing longevity, most of us are concerned that the seniors among us remain at least somewhat up-to-date on the latest trends and such, if only to keep society and our "system" humming along smoothly for all of us.

Or so we thought.

Then, on the bus, we heard an old man whose cell phone had just rang.

"HELLO? HELLO? Oh, hell!... HELLO? HELL-O??? HELLO, HELLO??? HELLO, HELLO, HELLO???"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/15/2006:

As our population's age grows

most hope old folks go with the flow

of technology--

at least 'til you see

them on cells repeating "HELLO?"

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/15/2006:

Coming next week in Sunday Story Time:

The so-long-it's-effectively-"serialized" Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate!...

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is sticking to his guns on the decision to continue allowing small planes into Manhattan's airspace.

Why worry about real threats to the people when you've conquered the fictional evil of "secondhand smoke"?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/15/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: What's REALLY Wrong with "It's Not You, It's Me"

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are undoubtedly familiar with the political-technique-meets-breakup cliche, "It's not you, it's me," aka "I'm not breaking up with you because of anything about you or anything you've done; it's all about things going on within myself."

And I'm sure you all know what it means:

A steamin', malodorous pile of shit.

Some cavewoman has the dubious distinction of first using it upon some caveman and, trust me, chicks are STILL lame enough to use it today. 2006.

Oh, perhaps our definition above was a little too simplistic, so here's more:

"I really just don't love you THAT MUCH so, in order to feel a little better about myself, and play it off as if I'm giving you a compliment ('I'm screwed up, you're just fine!'), I'll tell you it's really MY fault through this handy cliche!"

What's even worse than using this cop-out, relationship spin doctor phrase is the possibility that someone leveling it actually MEANS it. In THAT case, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, this discussion ties into the reason that divorce is fast becoming our national pastime.

Someone leveling "Not You, Me" with any degree of truth--and, to be honest, 100 percent bullshit is rare--is in essence saying that, "This is a great relationship and all but it's just not the right time for me." Hence, "Love, itself, is really nothing special--it's all in the planning. I need to backpack Europe and finish my masters and get to the perfect point, financially and professionally... And then, I can say, 'I'm ready to get married,' shack-up with the first person remotely compatible within six months and THEN get married and plan a family."

Only to wonder, a couple years down the line, why you're a divorce statistic.

Ahem.

Away from this heavy crap and toward the Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate, next week...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/15/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The dandelion's dried seeds

 

He was serious, always serious.

Eating chocolate, he would

brood upon the passage of time.

He'd tell jokes with unrelenting

intensity, too studied, too angry.

He would write stories that ended

with the end of a relationship

in stormy, swampy recriminations.

A friend (who, admittedly, was

thinking of ending the friendship

by this point) told him he

should write about beginnings, too.

He tried it, and the story was junk.

 

He considered it a failure, but now

when he eats chocolate or tells a joke,

a grin occasionally creeps along his lips.

He is remembering a long-forgotten incident

in grade school, when he picked a dandelion

for a schoolmate, Becky. Its dried seeds

blew into her face, causing her to sneeze.

They were both taken aback with laughter.

In fifth grade, she would leave her favorite

pencil on his desk -- a blue one with an

eraser caddy shaped like a small squirrel.

He does not know what happened to it since,

but he kept it in his jacket through sixth grade.

 

He looks up from the page he is trying to write,

men and women screaming at each other,

slamming doors and breaking windows

in perfect-suffering prose.

He tears out the page and wanders outside.

"Maybe I should take up gardening," he thinks.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/16/2006:

Mike Bloomberg's man of strange convictions;

'gainst small plane New York sky eviction

but saw fit to ban

smoke that's "secondhand"--

prefers fighting threats that are fiction!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/16/2006:

Today we're gonna play "Let's Have Fun With Taking a 'Dog Gone Funny' Anecdote From the Sunday 'Marmaduke' Comic Strip Wildly Out of Context and With a Generous Dose of Mind-in-the-Gutter":

"...He had an arrangement with one and allowed it to bury its nuts right in front of his nose..."...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 10/16/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Rabbinical Haiku

 

Hillel said: What is

Hateful to you, do not do

To your fellow man

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/17/2006:

It's not just page scandal--the man

seems to always take party's stand.

Now war in Iraq

HIS side won't full back--

on THIS Bush gets non-partisan!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/17/2006:

Slapper Yapper Grasshopers should know that Daily Limerick is somewhat escapist in tone. That is, we leave the dwelling in tragedy to other outlets and, if we even touch on such events, it's generally to offer solutions or, occasionally, admittedly, to level a cheap and/or tasteless joke.

But certain occurrences are so horrific that even WE have to engage in the offering of sympathies to the victims involved. And thus today, we offer this:

Condolences to Lou Piniella, for being sentenced to the duty of next manager of the Chicago Cubs.

Our hopes and prayers are with you and yours, Lou.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/18/2006:

That cat whom they call Lou Piniella

is now the new Cubs skipper fella.

So condolences

out to Lou and his

'cause lameness he's joining is -hella!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/18/2006:

Pink Spongebob Squarepants dolls are but one of a zillion examples of businesses getting on the "pink for breast cancer awareness" bandwagon.

Because, of course, few are aware of breast cancer. Why, we would've never learned of it without the Chief Limericist suddenly finding that his regular cigar brand has gone pink!

Wow. Breast cancer. Stop and let that sink in.

Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that smoking isn't healthy...

Russian Agasi Vartanyan has surpassed the 50-day mark in his fast and is pissed-off that he's not getting more media coverage.

So, Mr. Vartanyan, Daily Limerick is covering you!

P.S. Have a Salisbury steak or something, you knucklehead...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/18/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: "How do you want your burger done?"

Hearing today's titular question is how you know a "fast food" burger is going to be delightful.

Oh, sure. When you go to some overpriced bar and grill or whatever, they ask it with your burger order. But fast food emporiums, being on the front lines of the war for deliciosity, should also be concerned with whether or not the customer wants it rare, medium rare, medium well, well-done or something even more picky.

If you're ever in Chicago, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, pop into a Muskies and see how a fast-food burger is meant to be made.

That's Muskie's:

Food Law!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/19/2006:

For cancers and troops and much more

there're ribbons, in colors galore!

They cry, "I've done something!"

(Spent few bucks--dick dumpling!)

Don't do squat and eas'ly ignored!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/19/2006:

Comment from a book-signing attendee, concerning book signer Barack Obama:

"He's a rock star."

Hmm. Politician...rock star... Hmm.

Let's see: Popular more for image than anything...actions dictated by focus groups...bland and inoffensive, so as to gain mainstream and lowest-common-denominator appeal... Yup.

Sounds like a modern rock star to us...

Headline encompassing the words of new Cubs manager Lou Piniella:

"There Are No Curses"

Didn't Dusty Baker say that, too? (Not to mention a slew of others over the years?)

Yeah, we think he did a few years back. And now he's beaten down, head hanging low, heading out of town and looking as if he's about to announce: "I was a human being once!"...

We know you're only supposed to do this when you're...oh, eight-years-old, but we've invented a word.

So toss it about. Get it to the point of sweepin' the nation.

Okay. Here it is:

Squealtastic.

Still working on the definition.

Hop to it.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/20/2006:

They're calling Obama "rock star"--

but ain't rocker image quite far

from pols' image dupe,

lives by focus group...

I guess today, same thing, they are!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/20/2006:

As part of the general pre-election balderdash, Montana Senator Conrad Burns has claimed that Bush has a "Secret Plan" for winning in Iraq.

Uh huh. "Secret plan." No reason to be suspicious of a claim like that...

Read a news story today about how nudists are leaving behind their hidden-in-the-woods enclaves and moving their colonies near major highways--even going so far as to join local chambers of commerce!

Great. Just as our populace is growing less and less desirable to see naked...

So, Bono is now under fire for living in the Netherlands, thus avoiding extra Irish taxes, which go, in part, to fund hunger and AIDS relief in Africa--one of Bono's big causes.

This may be the only time in DL/S&Y history you'll find us defending Bono, but... Shut up. Just shut up. He's doing more for the cause than most anybody already. So he's supposed to sell all his clothes, sleep on a bed of nails, donate any hair that falls from his head to the cause?...

There's a saying: Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Here's our saying: Life is like living in a shoe closet with faulty shelving...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 10/20/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Books Fairs and Literary Festivals

While I am, believe it or not, a writer of sorts, and I've tried to sell various book proposals and such over the years--including one in the works now--I'm even bored out of my skull with the prospect of the titular types of events.

Reading is, by very definition, a solitary activity. Book groups are just for the hard-up lookin' for love action.

Book fairs, literary festivals and literary conferences? Boring as hell. Even if I'd benefit from "networking" at them... Well, perhaps if I plan insomnia far ahead of time...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/21/2006:

A pervert with tools hydroponic

smoked up a hot chickie with chronic.

Dry mouthed, asked for drink;

wrecked, she didn't blink

when he served her a jizz and tonic.

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/21/2006:

Possibly unintended back-handed journalistic comment of the week (coming to us from an Oct. 20 Gannett News Service story by Anthony Breznican):

"...the brains behind the popular Blue Collar Comedy Tour..."

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/22/2006:

Cubs' new Lou Piniella says curse

ain't real--and he says it quite terse.

Just like Dusty said

fore hopes were killed dead

and spirit was tossed in Cubs' hearse.

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/22/2006:

Duke University researchers have designed a prototype that hides objects from microwaves and thus renders devices effectively invisible.

Like a Bilbo/Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter kinda thing.

No word on whether or not researchers awoke, dazed, to find themselves sacrificing goats and scrawling pentagrams on the floor...

Headline:

"Comerica Park Finding Its 'Soul'"

Detroit: Don't bother looking.

You named it "Comerica Park."

The soul has been sold...

It takes but one word to describe the latest tactic in cultural terrorism:

iKaraoke...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/22/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate: Prologue

I live in a pricey, two-bedroom condo in a high-falutin' neighborhood. I ended up with the place in my divorce, chiefly because my wife didn't want it, and I have a rough time affording the joint. Knowing the place was gold and thus wanting to keep it a few years to make a profit and all, here's what I did:

I took what belongings I had left, after a hearty pillaging by the ex, shifted things around and discovered that, not only could I easily fit my bed, desk, etc. in my bedroom, but I really didn't need the extra living/dining room. Thus, I decided to rent out the spare rooms and peg it as a "roommate duplex" kinda thing.

For my first go as a landlord, I had a long-time friend move in, December of 2004. That went pretty well for about a year, at which point he lost his job and remained out of a one for four months. That situation turned ugly in its own way--I was financially incapable of supporting him any longer and thus had to evict, so to speak, one of my best friends at the beginning of April. He did understand and we are, however, still good friends, so that all worked out in the end.

But at that point, I placed ads and such, seeking a veritable stranger for a roommate. I had planned to do a basic form of credit application--at least requesting current and previous jobs and landlords for references to check but... Time wore on. It was getting awfully close to the first of May, 2006, I was already financially strapped and was waxing desperate to get rent for the coming month... And then I heard from The Derelict (TD). (Of course, that wasn't his actual name--and, of course, I didn't yet refer to him yet as that--but the name has been changed to protect the... Well, The Derelict.)

He seemed pushy. Said he wanted the place, sight unseen. When he showed up to "see" it, he had a rented van outside and was ready to move in. Seeing that he received a regular government check (social security) and eager to take-on a roomie with financial stability, I let the credit app plan slide a bit. I DID make him take a look around the place so, for whatever reason, I could always say he saw it before entering into the lease but... I was suspicious from the start. But not, evidently, suspicious enough.

TD suggested we make it a five-month lease--leaving its end as Sept. 30 and thus at the more popular moving time of October. Little did I know then that signing him on for one month less would be a saving grace of sorts.

And little did I know the horror--the gut-wrenching, blood-curdling terror--my home life was about to devolve into.

TO BE CONTINUED...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/22/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The ring

 

L. called me to say

she had lost her ring

somewhere in the carpet.

Among the reasons why:

she was stoned at the time,

and her fingers were thinning

because she was not eating,

and --

 

I was far away

and not stoned

and have always been thin,

and I was condescending

and cruel to her. When we

were stoned (when we

were together)

she always seemed jealous

that I felt the drug more

and let go easier. I

would snarl at her because

she would guard our fun.

She wouldn't let me uncurl.

 

The ring was simply

a token of eight years

of knowing one another,

long before we knew each other's

bodies in motion-heated sound,

before the taste of our promises mixed

with smoke and music and drawn out splendor

that drew to a clarifying point at each whisper.

 

Until that phone call, the ring doubled as a sign

of our commitment. But for months that phone

had felt like the end of luxurious intoxication.

As the black sleek unit on the floor

rang a strangled note, I knew

this was going to be our final call

as lovers.

 

Unsurprisingly, a few weeks later

she brought up the ring again. She said

it had made her consider the situation,

and she had known at that moment

we no longer loved one another.

 

I let her know she was right

with a scream and a scream,

beating my fists against the air

until all was stunned and silent.

 

It was pointless to argue,

throw fits, unglue the joints

that held friendship in place.

And so that's why we did.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/23/2006:

Nudism, like a nudist's dream,

is waxing a bit more mainstream.

On chambers of commerce

there're nude camps as glommers

great, just as most bods grow extreme!

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/23/2006:

You know what we need more of? We'll tell ya' what we need more of:

Documentaries.

Yup. There's a real dearth.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 10/23/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Upward Mobility Haiku

 

Morton Grove, a bris;

But in Buffalo Grove, it's

A schmuckectomy

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/24/2006:

Up in Massachusetts, a school,

has banned "tag" with new safety rules.

Harm comes when kids run

so the War on Fun

picks with Common Sense a new duel.

***

NOTE: The typical "like clockwork" updating of DL may be screwed-up in coming days. We're switching to a high-speed connection through a company that's NOT the local phone company, AT&T, and, well, curiously, service problems are occurring...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/24/2006:

Headline:

"Biology Blamed for Black Breast Cancer: Previous Study Raised Possibility of Racism"

Why bother with scientific explanations when that handy-dandy race card's ready to be tossed out first?...

More that 200 people gathered in Beloit, Wis. to perform a "funeral" for the word "nigger."

Then a hip-hop festival came to town and it was like "Night of the Living Dead"...

Headline quoting ex-Cubs skipper Dusty Baker:

"Dusty: 'I'll Be Back--And Even Better'"

We're sure you will, Dusty. But, in all honesty, it's hard to end up in a worse position from here...

Quote from a Chicago area weather forecast:

"Mostly cloudy, chance of flurries or sprinkles."

Sprinkles!

If today's edition seems lamer than usual, realize that we were outside all day, looking toward the sky, mouths open...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/25/2006:

For cold weather football, teams chase

the Super Bowl, held in warm place.

While the Boys of Summer

find World Series bummer--

Detroit with damn snow in the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/25/2006:

Hillary Clinton's Republican challenger, John Spencer, has implied Hillary was homely when younger, going so far as to say, "I don't know why Bill married her."

For the record, DL/S&Y would STILL do Hillary up, nine ways 'til Sunday. Hell, make it go to ELEVEN ways 'til Sunday.

But, of course, who's Spencer to judge? As a Republican, he's only qualified as a connoisseur of male pages...

Well, it sure looks like adopted African orphans are the must-have celebrity accessory this season...

The City of Chicago is mounting "The Art of Play," a citywide project whereby Twister, Scrabble and other games will be produced, giant-sized, in locations across town.

Games? Anywhere, anytime? (Shudder.) This looks bad for our Chief Limericist, with every one of his exes now tempted to move to Chicago...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 10/25/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Beef Jerky and Potato Chips

Today's titular combo can best be described as delightful. (Titular. He hee.) A pure delight.

Not as well known as, say, milk or pizza and beer, or cheeze and crackers, but every bit as delectable. I'm just sorry I didn't discover it sooner in life.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/26/2006:

As campaigns wallow now in the sewer

Hillary Clinton took an odd skewer:

Her opponent, John Spencer,

let his thoughts fly, uncensored--

called her ugly, though we would still do her.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/26/2006:

Okay...how do we explain this one?... Ahem:

We "lost" today's Slappin' and Yappin'. Or maybe it's more appropriate to say we "misplaced" it. The best phrasing is hard to come by in these e-times of ours.

So you'll just have a fatter edition tomorrow.

Don't like it? Well, what can we say. The explanation would please Dennis Hastert, if we were incumbent Republicans, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/27/2006:

As John Spencer's mudslinging rages,

calls Hil Clinton ugly--outrageous!

But what's his opinion?--

as GOP minion

he's just fit to judge young, male pages!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/27/2006:

So President Bush has made a big to-do about his administration's setting a timeline for events and, seemingly, eventual withdrawal in Iraq.

The only details lacking are...well, ANY details.

I suppose he'll wait until AFTER the elections to mention that we withdraw fully by 2050...

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley now wants to seize the homes/places of illegal business belonging to drug dealers. This is in keeping with the now-established trends of seizing vehicles, jewelry and other valuable belongings of those damn drug dealers.

Except... Well, this is done BEFORE any alleged "drug dealers" go through the court process and are actually convicted.

Next up... Why don't they just eliminate the freakin' trial, while they're at it...

Speaking of the American Taliban in Chicago, prominent anti-individual choice crusader and donkey ball sucker, Alderman Edward Burke, is proposing legislation to somehow stick warning labels on hamburgers, French fries and the like.

Frightening edition today, we know, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. But look on the bright side: If you think people are ignoring warning labels NOW, just wait 'til Burke and his gang of anal nun rapists get done with 'em...

Do any Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know what the practical difference is between a "scarf" and a "muffler"?

I only ask because somebody called what I thought was my "scarf" a "muffler" recently. (Oh--Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

And I only was led to asking because my ex once told me I looked gay with a scarf. And my scarf is simple black and plain--not silk or anything--and... Well, am I supposed to brave a Chicago winter sans scarf if I don't want to allegedly appear gay?

So, does ANYBODY have any input on this?

Guess you could call this the reverse of an advice column, at this point...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 10/27/2006:

TODAY'S EDITION: Snoozie and the Miltonics

Dork rock has never sounded so good.

With tunes like "At Milton's House" and "What'll Spring Be Like Without You?" why... Why, it's delightful. Whaddaya want from the worst music critic on the planet?

However, the latter above-mentioned tune is beyond dork rock--it's in fact dork rock meets rock rock. Its guitar solo has wailing quality reminiscent of Rhoads' blistering at the same time it's emotional and sad, like Rhoads' in "Goodbye to Romance."

So:

http://www.snoozieandthemiltonics.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/28/2006:

A shy boy thought, "Go one-night stand!"

but was too nervous for the plan.

Hell, when he went home

to stroke his own bone

had not nerve to hit-on his hand!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/28/2006:

Remember a while back folks were talking about giving a special Internet address-ender thingie for "adult" sites?

Well, how come nobody ever mentioned ".cum"?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/29/2006:

There's one celeb trend that is morphin'

into one that others is dwarfin'.

As with handbags, hoppin'

to show-off adoptions

of cute little African orphans!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/29/2006:

Headline concerning Madonna:

"Why We Still Care About Her"

We do? Oh.

We'll try to get with the program then...

Speaking of the washed-up, Lionel Richie is pursuing a younger fan base and, toward that end, is featuring his daughter, Nicole, in a new video.

Now think on that for a bit.

Evidently, talent is just SOOOO last century...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 10/29/2006:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate, Chapter One--A Happy Mental Montage

Amid a financial crisis, increasingly unable to pay for my place without a paying roommate, I welcomed The Derelict's regular social security money and, thus, rent payments. Sure, he seemed a little weird, he situation a bit "off," but I excitedly talked about him with friends and family--this fifty-something Americanized-yet-Polish guy (matching my paternal grandmother's side of the family, the closest to ethic I've got).

TD seemed to busy himself most of the day with a computer class, seeing friends, setting up things in his area and visiting doctors. (I was under the impression that he was on social security because of a bad back; he was less than forthcoming with details, although I mostly didn't ask.) He'd ask questions about the neighborhood, say hello/goodbye and do the typical small talk ("How was your day?"). But he mostly kept to himself, which was delightful.

And he'd be gone most every weekend to see his 90-year-old mother on the South Side.

In my mind, a sitcom-y vision played:

TD and I, skipping through the park, ordering cotton candy and buying balloons, etc.

Whoo, boy. That's certainly not the way things went.

COMING NEXT WEEK TO SUNDAY STORY TIME: THE FIRST RED FLAGS...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 10/29/2006:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: A flood of salt

 

I am buried up

to my nose in salt.

While I was writing a poem,

it poured down from

the ceiling.

 

The salt threw me

from my chair. The flood caught up

all my furniture. I managed

to stand before it completely

overtook me.

 

My furniture is resting at weird angles

only feet away from me, but I cannot see

or touch any of it. I am

glued here by the weight of the pile

bearing down on me.

 

The poem I was writing and the pen

I dropped will be well-preserved by the

salt. I will be, too. I'll be discovered

in my bright shirt and drab pants, dark socks,

brown belt. Authorities at the scene will

be able to tell, in broad strokes, how I lived.

But I am certain they will never intuit the cause

of this disaster.

 

I'm looking at it now:

your letter to me, resting

on top of all this mess.

Too incongruous to be suspected.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/30/2006:

Now Lionel Richie wants to see

and fan-base with youngsters for he

so new video

has daughter Nicole--

guess talent's SOOO last century!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/30/2006:

A theater in New York is planning a musical version of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" this year.

What--Jim Carrey didn't 100 percent, COMPLETELY destroy it?...

Headline:

"Scottish Designer Makes Kilts Hip"

It's gonna take a helluva lot more than that, but nice try.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 10/30/2006:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Piscatorial Haiku II

 

What kind of textbooks

Are used in a school of fish?

McGuppy's Readers

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 10/31/2006:

New Holiday plays? Can be tough

sell, so Broadway "reworks" old stuff.

But musical (scary!)

of "Grinch"--what, Jim Carrey

did not quite destroy Seuss enough?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 10/31/2006:

You could say that a good comedy about Nazis is "Hitlerious," couldn't you?...

Oh, and by the way: Boo!

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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