Daily Limerick
Archives: August 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 8/1/2007:

Now Canada, case strongly pleads:

It owns the Northwest Terr'tories.

Woods, tundra, unspoiled--

guess what? It has oil!

(As Bush thinks, "Hmm...WMDs?")

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/1/2007:

E-mail readers: If you have spam blocker or something, realize that, in the near future, you'll be receiving this from missives@dailylimerick.net. So you might want to add that to your e-address book, or whatever you have to do...

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Headline out of Mexico City:

"Prison System OKs Gay Conjugal Visits"

Doesn't seem to be "news" to us. Throughout history, there's been a special place in prisons reserved just for that: the showers...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/1/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Like Elvis for Chocolate

Now, today's title doesn't make sense, but it makes a nice play on words, no?

See, Reese's has come out with a commemorative Elvis Peanut Butter Cup. In The King Size. With a layer of banana cream as Elvis, of course, loved peanut butter and 'nana sandwiches. And we highly recommend it to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

It commemorates, of course, the anniversary of his death.

Usually, we commemorate folks' birthdays--or perhaps anniversaries of milestones, like home run records or first gold album.

The only other person I can think of, besides Elvis, for whom we make a big to-do over his death would be... Jesus.

Hmm...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/2/2007:

New wave of MySpace, hipster code:

tied-in Webcasting "minisodes."

Full shows, down to minutes--

we give up, can win it...

Pub attention span, ill forbodes.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/2/2007:

E-mail readers: If you have spam blocker or something, realize that, in the near future, you'll be receiving this from missives@dailylimerick.net. So you might want to add that to your e-address book, or whatever you have to do...

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So there's hubbub over the fact that likely Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson (has he gotten focus group approval yet?)...has a wife 24 years his senior.

Hell. What more could you ask for in a leader?...

Kidding, kidding... Well, maybe not.

Okay 24 years is a big gap. But as a Chief Limericist pot, checked-in of course, gotta be careful about what I'm calling the kettle...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/3/2007:

Saw sign for a store, "Nordstrom Rack."

Sounds fine--but here's cold and hard fact:

Don't care 'bout the store--

a Target rack's more

than fine, on hot chick who's well-stacked.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/3/2007:

E-mail readers: If you have spam blocker or something, realize that, in the near future, you'll be receiving this from missives@dailylimerick.net. So you might want to add that to your e-address book, or whatever you have to do...

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Headline:

"Study: Laser printers may release almost as many ultra-fine particles as a smoldering cigarette"

Okay, folks. You're gonna have to take that printer outside... Oh, and now that you're outside, just because we have fewer groups that we can still push around in a socially acceptable manner, not at this outdoor cafe...or in that parking lot...and we're gonna drug test, too, for printer particles in your system...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/3/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Krystee

As the Planet's Worst Music Critic, sometimes it's best to be quick to the point: She does crazy cover tunes, has a helluva voice, dances around with happy feet, is ridiculously pretty but, also, nuts. (Which can be good or bad--but is probably a mixture of both.)

See?

http://www.myspace.com/krysteeee

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/4/2007:

A man ended long, sexless rut

by taking home bartendress slut.

He banged her so silly--

each hole, went his willie--

had blow-out and got a flat nut!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/4/2007:

E-mail readers: If you have spam blocker or something, realize that, in the near future, you'll be receiving this from missives@dailylimerick.net. So you might want to add that to your e-address book, or whatever you have to do...

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Now, I'm sure Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know the seasoned, rhyming wisdom: Find a penny, pick it up, all day long, you'll have good luck.

The other day I did, indeed, find a penny. But it was a Canadian one.

So...what the hell is THAT supposed to foretell? Should I have upped and spent the day in Canada?

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/5/2007:

Obama Girl and Hott4Hill

some call much too sleazy, cheap thrills

for pres'dent election

but, as a reflection

of politics, it's too mild, still.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/5/2007:

E-mail readers: If you have spam blocker or something, realize that, in the near future, you'll be receiving this from missives@dailylimerick.net. So you might want to add that to your e-address book, or whatever you have to do...

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Headline:

"Study finds young women earn more than men in Chicago, New York and Dallas"

Let's just tuck this away, in that drawer with the half-dozen commitment-phobic women who've stirred up my life, and those who used me for sex, and those who've dove into a new relationship within a week or two of us breaking up... These things just don't fit the Oppressed Group Master Plan...

Another headline:

"Bloggers' convention draws political candidates to Chicago"

Praise Elvis we're out of town right now!

Curiously, though, we weren't invited...

Two Headlines:

"Two Hurt as Shots Ring Out During Chess Game"

and

"Man Killed During Dice Game"

These are both local headlines.

Who the hell do with think we are? A Mid-East country?...

Now it's time for... Life Tells a Joke and it Needs No Puchline!

Web gig posting from a writer's site:

"Online Bingo Journalist"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/5/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Limerick Lit Agent Fiasco

I've been shopping a book, "Stand-Up Poetry," to literary agents for...geez, I think a few years now. I've done this sort of thing before--with a horrible novel, years back--and, when you do this sort of thing, you begin to aspire toward a thing called, "friendly rejection."

I now have more than 200 rejection slips and the vast majority are "form" rejections, lacking any personal touch. When you receive any sort of personal response--ideally good, but, hey, did I mention 200+ rejection slips?--it actually can make your day. It shows that the agency in question at least CONSIDERED the possibility of representing you; they pondered the possibility seriously.

So recently, when I received a request from an agent I'd queried asking to SEE MORE POETRY...why, I was nearly tap-dancing. Inside, anyway. Many in the biz would metaphorically refer to this as the equivalent of feeling a tug on the fishing line--and this was the first request, after all this time, to see more of "Stand-Up Poetry," and the second time I've received any request to see more (somebody, too, asked to see more of that Godawful novel before wisely rejecting it).

The woman in this case was specific: more LIMERICKS. So I sent her a few of the "best" News Limericks and a couple of the traditional numbers.

Two days passed...(it's considered a good sign when things like this take longer, stoking the possibility that due consideration is being dealt)...and I'm told, "Sorry, this isn't my kind of humor."

Now, she asked to see Limericks, I submitted some and, say what you will about me and this whole DL endeavor, but I think, if nothing else, I certainly nail the Limerick Thing dead-on but... Hmm. Not "her kind of humor"? What was she expecting?

Do we need a Limerick Awareness Campaign?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/5/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: The yellow door

 

Elise will not follow Robert

through the yellow door.

The paint on it seems to breathe.

Black and red markings in tiny strokes

on the otherwise featureless yellow slab.

The light coming under and around the door,

outlining the oblong shape

of the entrance,

is laced through with white

and bright blue.

She hesitates at the door.

She will not touch it.

Though Robert went through it

she will not touch it.

 

She leaves the scene.

On the other side, Robert

is sitting down at a table

with a white tablecloth

and cloth napkins tucked into silver rings.

He is picking up a silver fork

and poking it into a salad

on a crystal plate before him.

Back outside, dawn's blush begins.

It catches the tears on Elise's face,

making them shimmer in the morning.

It presses its sweet light into the windows,

and colors the door the color of a new day.

As the light brightens the door disappears,

and the light continues to move across the city.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/6/2007:

The gesture is far beyond nice--

King Reese's cup, marks decade thrice

since Elvis...did die?

Strange milestone to tie

to fests--mostly just him and Christ! (?)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/6/2007:

E-mail readers: If you have spam blocker or something, realize that, in the near future, you'll be receiving this from missives@dailylimerick.net. So you might want to add that to your e-address book, or whatever you have to do...

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Recent headline on the cover of one of those celebrity-ass-licking magazines:

"Nicole Richie: Her Life in Hiding"

Poor girl. Tucked away, alone and ignored--right under that glaring, omnipresent, tabloid spotlight...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/7/2007:

Now grocery stores seek strange connection--

seasoned, hip but not too, direction

for music on site.

Just heard... Barry White?

Mount someone in the produce section?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/7/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Health officials have found rat infestation at the MLB's Los Angeles (Anaheim) Angels Stadium, in multiple restaurants and food kiosks.

It's open to debate whether the companies rat infestation or overall Mouse infestation is more sinister...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/8/2007:

Fred Thompson, Repub. candidate's,

pooh-poohed 'cause the age of his mate's

two dozen years younger.

We share young chick hunger--

feat 'lone brings cred for Head of State!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/8/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Headline deck:

"The Nightmare of Dating in the Self-Absorbed World of Hollywood"

Now, this is from US Weekly. I try to avoid taking such easy shots, Chief Limericist checking in, here, but my current roommate/renter gets it in the mail and leaves it in the bathroom all the time and... Well, it's just SOOO frightening.

Anyway, the headline accompanies a picture of Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpleton. And, yes, there's a million directions I could go with this, starting with the "oh boo-hoo, those poor, yet rich, famous-as-shit stars," but... Ahem:

"The Nightmare of Dating" is not unique to celebrities, folks. In fact, I'd find the "nightmare" much more palatable were I fortunate enough to be boinking, say, a Cameron Diaz along the way...

Is anybody else sick to their spleen of the term "green"?

We generally agree with environmental issues but..."green" baby wear, "green" festivals, "green blah look at me blah" buttons, "green" my left nut! (Chief Limericist checked-in for that one, as "'green' our left nuts" is a bit awkward. Checking-out.)

Again, we support the cause but... It's gettin' to the point that we'll hear a new one...oh, say, "green" sex therapy, and we're gonna go hijack and oil tanker and crash it into a rain forest shoreline.

And no matter how worthy the cause...this is co-opting a whole freakin' COLOR! Can somebody rethink this? Oh, crap, it's obviously too late...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/8/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Boston Market is Lame

That's right. You heard us. We're using the news peg that McDonald's is selling the hella-lame franchise as an excuse to say so.

Yes. We said "hella-lame."

Chicken and other stuff there isn't bad. But they overcharge, latching onto their "slightly above fast food," fru-fru airs. Sure, choice of side dishes...as if they don't at Popeye's? KFC?

Don't believe the hype. Boston Market is lame.

Oh, sure. But it's not "Boston Chicken" now, and hasn't been for a while. "Boston MARKET--now THAT'S an upscale kinda place to blow my copious cash"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/9/2007:

From code for superstitious shmucks:

Find penny--and day of good luck!

But what if the find's

Canadian mined...

In that case well, um... What the fuck?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/9/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So Barry Bonds is now "in the books" as the home run leader.

Ain't that a bite in the ass?

Or should that be: Ain't that a SHOT in the ass?...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/9/2007:

Concerning our voicing annoyance at the copiously used new term, "green":

> So it's safe to say that green makes you see red? Everyone else is

> too yellow to admit it.

Yes, we suppose it makes us see red. Orange you glad we're not yellow? And chartreuse you... Hmm.

Thank hue for writing in...

(Ugh)...

Did we mention...er... Ugh?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/10/2007:

So Bonds is the new home run king

despite having 'roided-up swing.

Historical oddity--

though hot commodity

karma's no doubt shrunken his thing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/10/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

What with the Barry Bonds thing, and the Michael Vick dogfighting deal, and NBA ref gambling, and steroids apparently sponsoring the Tour de France... Some are lamenting the loss of sports as a rare avenue to truly escape the cares of the real world.

Well, get a load of this:

The Seattle Mariners have a mascot called the Mariner Moose. There's a guy, of course, who wears the moose costume, which is escapism right there and, really, who the hell cares if a moose makes no sense given the overall Mariner motif?

Anyway, adding another layer of nonsense, the Moose rides around the outfield in an ATV. During last Sunday's game, the Moose ran into Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp and knocked him to his knees. (On a side note, Coco Crisp just adds to the fun, having a breakfast cereal-sounding name and all.)

Crisp, in a show of sportsmanlike conduct, is quoted as saying: "It was an accident. I mean, I'm not going to run over and clothesline the guy." Although, adding the clothesline to the mix... Well.

So this is an example of escapism at its finest. No need to write sports off as a venue for escapism at this point.

It does seem that we should have something more to add. But... Hell, it amused us, and what more can you really ask for in life?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/10/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Union Pulse

While I tend to plug a lot of local Chicago bands in this space, because I host local variety shows and end up hopelessly hitting on their groupies, Union Pulse should be on the East Coast as I pen this and, thus, National. Or half-national. Or something. See, they still visit and gig in Chicago, too.

Union Pulse has the whole "package." They sound great and are also entertaining to watch. (A lot of great sounding acts sorta just stand there on stage. The music, of course, is most important, but presence plays a huge part in live entertainment.) They shimmy around and joke with the audience--another huge plus for a live act in not taking themselves too seriously.

One of their songs is still floating around in my head--and it's been almost a month since I saw them. Not sure of the title, but the refrain is, "I was looking at her but I was thinking of you." So they have the insightful lyrics things going for 'em, too.

And if THAT's not enough, they're great guys, to boot. Jumped aboard a last-minute show for us. So:

http://www.unionpulseonline.com

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/10/2007:

Continuing the horrible punnery begun in yesterday's edition over our annoyance with the overuse of the term "green":

> Your color puns are in-palette-able.

We really shouldn't go there. Whaddaya think this is? A silly Web site or something? No, this is a serious news outlet that holds sway over... Oh, now everyone here in the newsroom, at the Daily Limerick Towers, is laughing so:

It is hard to simply give comments like yours the brush. We're kinda painted into a corner. We find it tough to keep an easel come, easy go attitude about it.

We tried to stop this yesterday. But NOOO. You had to push us dangerously toward the brink of becoming the Lindsay Lohans of punnery...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/11/2007:

A hot Irish goddess named Molly

teased guys for attention and jollies.

One day, misworked ploy--

turned-on by the boy--

and let him ride her like a trolley!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/11/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

In the spirit of E!'s "25 Most Memorable Swimsuit Moments"...Chief Limericist checking-in, here... Many times as a shaver, at the beach, wearing only swim trunks, of course, and ogling all the hot, nearly naked women, I'd... You know. And it's a bit hard to conceal a, er, um... Ahem.

Well, hell. They're "most memorable swimsuit moments" in my book...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/12/2007:

It's prime debate season, which caters

to sound bites--wear shit-blocking waders!

We don't learn too much

from them, but, in clutch

shows which are best master(de)baters!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/12/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

A City of Chicago census has tallied the homeless population and found...24 of them downtown.

Suspicious, unless... Is that before or after the Great Homeless Herding Away accompanying a win with that Olympic bid?...

Headline:

"Kane County Cougars host peanut-free day for allergic kids"

Next up for our Big Mother society: The "secondhand peanut" tizzy...

Read about a football player testing positive for a steroid called an "anti-estrogen component."

Didn't know men otherwise produced any estrogen but... This news sheds light on a possible explanation for the whole "metrosexual" trend...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/12/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Eatin' More Chicken Than a Man Ever Seen

Today's edition isn't about chicken. Directly, anyway. What in life DOESN'T somehow tie into the tasty bird?

Today's edition is about women with boyfriends. Otherwise known as girls I hit-up on and who give me their numbers and/or e-mail addresses, for some reason. Sometimes, the boyfriends are actually husbands.

Apparently, that's my fate. Admittedly, I should be asking the B-Word question right away for my attempted, er, courtships. But it takes two to engage in a boondoggle and chicks really should throw out the B-Word sooner than... Oh, 45 minutes into something I thought to be a date, for instance.

Many of these dames misread my intentions as purely platonic. One even admitted that it's a good way to make friends--"If I'd have told you I had a boyfriend right away, you would have left it at that and we wouldn't become friends." Others like the manly attention. (This, too, has been admitted to me.)

The sheer quantity of instances where I run into B-Word problems... Well, it's ridiculous. And it's not some new thing--it's happened throughout my adult life. Some of it, of course, is just the way things go but I also believe that some of it is ME. That something about me makes for a good possible "side salad" but not the main dish. See, some of these women have indicated displeasure with their boyfriends and... Well, I'm not the best at scammin' other guys' chicks. In theory, I'm against it but... Sometimes life wears on you.

There's a song by The Doors called "Back Door Man." It's about a man such as I, but one who manages to doink a lot of women who are allegedly spoken for. And one who is thus always ready to run out the back door.

One of the couplets goes like this: "You have your dinner have your pork and beans/ I eat more chicken than a man ever seen." Which I don't entirely understand. Nonetheless, I like the sound of it. Both the doinkin' part and the eatin' lots of chicken.

So, I don't know if I'll ever end up a) being tempted enough to seriously pursue becoming a back door man; or b) able to accomplish it.

But I can handle eatin' more chicken than a man ever seen--and it IS barbecue season...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/12/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: More than storms

 

The twister tucked its dark fingers

into the city. Between skyscrapers

it roared, blew out windows,

wrecked the sidewalk,

and smashed up cars.

But after the wind and noise,

the scattered debris,

the buildings seemed remarkably

unhurt. People came back out

onto the street, standing

in the light rain,

taking in the scene.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/13/2007:

Amid steroid scandals so flagrant

read of..."anti-estrogen agent"?

Knowing now that juice

by guys, too's, produced,

explains metrosexuals raging!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/13/2007:

In Chicago Thursday, police ticketed the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile for clogging traffic.

Just another way that having a weiner tends to get in the way of things...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/13/2007:

This comes in from the band Union Pulse, featured Friday by yours truly, Chief Limericist (checking in), the Worst Music Critic on the Planet:

> sloop!

>

> thank you for the attention, it was great to meet you too.

>

> hope we meet again soon,

>

> james

If there's one thing I can provide, it's attention--judging from the trials and tribulations of meeting women lately.

No lovin'. No other services. Just attention.

And now it's starting with bands, too. Oh, the grief; it is good...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/14/2007:

In Chi-Town, just the other day,

the weinermobile caused a fray.

Clogged traffic on scene here--

proves with ANY weiner

damn thing tends to get in the way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/14/2007:

Cover headline from Women's Health magazine:

"100 Best Packaged Foods for Women"

Hmm.

Didn't know they made such things expressly for women. Has us picturing a bag of..."Chick Chow"?...

Attended a popular street festival right around the corner from me. It's one of those that's MOSTLY gay--it probably started out 99 percent gay, but that attracted hetero chicks, too, and then guys like me followed, by rule.

I suppose I should throw out the obligatory, post-Seinfeld "Not that there's anything wrong with that," of course.

But... Well, I was a bit alarmed viewing one boutique's booth that had, among other text, "Clip-Ons" emblazoned on the side. And was a bit suspicious of one restaurant's "Chicken Devine." And although it sounded good, I certainly couldn't bring myself to try another's "pulled pork"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/15/2007:

With sports fans jaws now oft agape--

o'er steroids, dog fights, guns and rape.

There're still mascots silly;

cheerleaders for Willie--

so, hell, sports are still an escape!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/15/2007:

A Chicago Alderman is proposing a 10-25 cent tax on bottled water to help feed the City Council's addiction to blowing money on whatever it can. Er...we mean that the tax would be a "green thing" (ugh), as empty water bottles are a growing source of pollution.

Now, we're full-bore against this "guilt taxing" crap and yet...it's hard to feel sorry for people who haven't discovered that they're already paying--even if it's calculated into a rent payment--for water through that magical device known as a "faucet"...

Speaking of "ugh," Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, aka Brangelina (there's the ugh), are currently staying in Chicago and... What a relief it is to finally see much lacking coverage of the two!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/15/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Goat Meat

I wanna try goat meat. That is, if I haven't already at some sort of ethnic restaurant, without my knowledge.

In any event, I want to try it WITH my knowledge.

Keep reading about how its sales are growing, what with immigrants and all.

Oh, and here's a tip: Sometimes, especially abroad, "mutton" means goat. Here in the U.S., it usually means lamb, but... So you know.

Anyway. Not much else to say. Except that I want to try goat meat. With my knowledge and all.

Set your goals low and you'll feel more successful...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/16/2007:

So Pitt and Jolie are in town;

local Media trails them 'round.

And, my what a blessing--

no longer left guessing

(with their coverage so rarely found).

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/16/2007:

Read today that Elvira Arellano--you know, the illegal immigrant or whatever the hell, holed-up in that church for some sort of cause of some sort--has been in that church for a year now.

Remember her?

Hmm. Maybe she needs to adopt some foreign kids or something...

Brainstorming humor story ideas (Chief Limericist checking-in, here), I thought up an idea of a Baby People parody mag, what with all the even-more-boring-than-typical-gossip-fare coverage of...well, you know.

Turns out, there's really a Celebrity Baby Scoop Web site.

Just gets tougher all the time, parodying a world that increasingly parodies itself better and better...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/16/2007:

Piping-in about yesterday's "Eat It!" section, in which the Chief Limerickst (still checked-in, here) expresses a desire to try goat meat:

> I've had goat meat, but it was jerk goat that someone brought

> along to a pot luck. (only in California) It tasted a lot like

> beef, only much tougher and pretty fibrous.

Well, it's good to hear, in any event, that it doesn't taste like chicken.

But kudos for having the balls to try something dubbed "jerk" goat...

And, whaddaya know? This cat checks in about a hip, new tax mentioned in yesterday's edition:

> "A Chicago Alderman is proposing a 10-25 cent tax on bottled

> water to help feed the City Council's addiction to blowing

> money on whatever it can."

> Let me guess, another Liberial Democrat trying to play pleasure

> police? Did you see the 20,000% cigar tax the Pleasure police

> are trying to pass?

Well, they're gonna have to turn SOMEWHERE when the smoke smuggling kicks-in and, like Canada before, we'll be LOWERING tobacco taxes to combat it.

Prepare for an eventual "orgasm tax," Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/17/2007:

Elvira--not THAT one, ya' rube's--

holed-up year in church (no YouTube).

Wild goals for her plight--

'tween Mistress of Night

and her, not sure what's biggest boob.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/17/2007:

So Karl Rove has left the Bush fold.

And... Well, we don't know what to add. There goes "Bush's brain," blah blah blah.

We try not to hit on things that everybody's hitting on. Making this topic almost impossible.

Just so you know. We're well aware of it...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/17/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Dino Cortez

I don't know how this all happened.

See, Dino Cortez is basically a porn dude. The site is loaded with it. He bills himself as a "body artist" but... Well, take a look.

Now, in Googling myself (tee hee), I found that Daily Limerick is linked to Dino's site. Tucked in there, somewhere, a link, or maybe you have to search within that site for limerick... I'm confused as to the particulars, but we're linked to a porn site--and that has us excited.

So:

http://www.dinocortez.com

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/18/2007:

A man scored a threesome--but what's

more 'mazing is both chicks were hot!

Excitement was such

he spooed so damn much

he managed to knock-up both twots!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/18/2007:

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know that I--Chief Limericist checking-in, here--have an American Heritage Word-a-Day Vocabulary Builder Calendar.

And that I'm not always satisfied with its offerings. For instance... Well, I usually give the benefit of the doubt for words like, say, "curmudgeon." Maybe, as a writer, I just know words the average member of the populace doesn't. (I don't think it's too much to ask that a "Vocabulary Builder" adds to, aka builds, my vocabulary.)

But check out the 8/16 offering:

"fair... 1. A gathering held at a specified time and place for the buying and selling of goods; a market..." Hmm.

I demand at least 1/365th of the price back!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/19/2007:

So Rove, aka Bush's Brain,

is joining the out-the-door chain.

It's shocking...but not.

Won't alter his plot--

his admin soaked deep with Rove's stain.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/19/2007:

Estela Lebron, mother of convicted terrorist Jose Padilla, "He's not a criminal. He's a devout Muslim..." Hmm.

It's not like religious zealots have committed countless atrocities throughout human history or anything...

From an AP story:

"CINCINNATI--Mayor Mark Mallory is refusing to fire a starter pistol to kick off an upcoming road race, saying he doesn't like the gun's symbolism..." Hmm.

Is it time to hold a celebratory funeral for the F-Word? That being, "fun"?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/19/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The College Tapes

In recent months, I've blathered more than a bit about my artistic dabbling in the now-quaint medium of audiocassette tape.

So, in case you haven't figured it out already, I'm about to blather on even more about it--although this should wrap-up the topic.

There are the College Tapes.

I and my randomly assigned dorm mate Ravi (with whom I am still friends) were both fans of talk radio--that of the Chicago sort, pioneered by Steve Dahl and Garry Meier (whom Howard Stern has evenly begrudgingly, and quietly, admitted taking copious inspiration from--although he's nowhere near as funny, if much more "shocking").

So as we sought increasingly creative ways to spend our time--leaving the marijuana-friendly confines of the cell-sized dorm room for something like, oh parties or classes would be silly... We decided to see how well we could banter off the top of our heads at length.

And, as I hope you've figured out already, we did so on audiocassette.

The endeavor wasn't as lame as you may guess. Well, okay, it's pretty lame--but it did go beyond us making tapes for ourselves. The other guys on our floor found out about our tapings, heard a sample and were soon borrowing them for enjoyment.

Seriously. It wasn't, "Hey, let Paul listen to a bit of one of those insane tapes you guys are making." It was more, "Do you guys have a new tape yet?" Someone from the floor would pop in while we were recording? Guest star! We did some prank phone calls and threw in all sorts of bongs and whistles.

I have some of these tapes.

I popped one in after Ravi dumped me some, many years after their making, and was a bit disturbed at some ranting from my younger self. I still haven't given them a thorough listen-to.

It wasn't THAT bad. I didn't confess to a murder I'd forgotten about or anything. There were a lot of lows between the gems, adult responsibility doesn't lend itself necessarily to listening to hours of old audiotapes and so the disturbance became the impetus to halt the endeavor early on.

I figure I'll one day give them a full listen. And in using this tale to fill another Sunday Story Time's space, they're fresh in mind again, so maybe I actually WILL do it...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/19/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Once more

 

I'm less fascinated by the textures of your pain

now that I am dwelling on my own loneliness.

I must make several drastic changes if I'm

ever going to make anything of my life.

 

I can't escape your pop songs

that put so many memories into play.

Back then the simplest things eluded me,

and I'm still there, batting cleanup

 

and picking orange fish off the carpet.

Wondering what things could have been

different things. Soon they must begin to feel

less quiet, and more generous.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/20/2007:

The world of sports, lately's, brought bummers.

Escapist? No, just makes us numb-er

to world. Michael Vick,

for instance--that prick

put dark spin on "dogs days of summer."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/20/2007:

From an AP story:

"A law passed this year allows Arkansans of any age--even infants--to marry if their parents agree..." Hmm.

Well, every state is commemorating the 30th Anniversary of Elvis' death in its own way...

And just where IS Michael Jackson these days, anyway?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/21/2007:

Trend spurs Web's "Celebrity Baby

Scoop"--clods drooling with gossip rabies

seeking infant scoops?

They just cry and poop!

A "life" you should work on, just maybe...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/21/2007:

Ryan Seacrest has been named to host entertainment portions of the next Super Bowl.

We thought that, after Janet Jackson, they didn't WANT us to see another big boob...

Oddball story of the day (AP):

An Australian woman was mauled by a pet camel in what police suspect was an incident of "mating behavior."

Hmm.

Actually, now that we think about it, and think back over the hideously checkered landscape that is our lives, death by "mating behavior" may not qualify as "oddball"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/22/2007:

And so, Ryan Seacrest will be

next Super Bowl half-time host... Gee.

After "Nipple Gate"

you'd think they'd abate

showing one more boob on TV!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/22/2007:

Headline:

"Dean Blows Into Mexico as Tourists Bolt"

Well, can't say we blame 'em. What with that annoying "Dean Scream" and all the partisan hot air and... Ohh. HURRICANE Dean.

Moving along...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/22/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Great New Recipe?

Recently in the grocery store, figuring I should pick up some new snacks, hitting the cracker aisle and remembering an old friend, Vegetable Thins... Well, I grabbed some Vegetable Thins.

For those who haven't had them... They're crackers with bits of dried vegetable in them for flavoring. Lots of salt and stuff, too--don't let the name fool you; they're not exactly health food.

I tore into them later to find... They weren't the same old Vegetable Thins that I know and love. They're now shaped like... Like Sociables or something. Little geometry-kinda shapes. They used to be shaped like big onions and celery stalks and stuff.

No matter, I thought... But biting into them... I don't know if the Trans Fat Nazis have gotten to Nabisco or what, but the Thins don't taste like I remembered them. And then I saw the slogan on the package that should have warned me--and should warn Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, too: "Great New Recipe."

You don't pull a new recipe out of the hat for a favored snack. Whether you dub it "great" or "new and improved" or whatever, it's dirty pool to your consumers.

So take note.

Lump monkeys...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/23/2007:

In Arkansas, they passed a law

that toddlers can marry if ma

and pa give their blessing--

typo, but I'm guessing

that Jacko moves 'fore they fix flaw!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/23/2007:

R. Kelly trial headline:

"Jurors to See Full Sex Tape"

Bitch and moan all you want about the state of the world, but this kinda stuff might have more people thinking twice before blowing off jury duty...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/24/2007:

While watching sex vid seems far-flung,

the jury will see young girl stung

for R. Kelly's trial--

pumps J service while

it won't be the jury that's "hung"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/24/2007:

Poetry ringtones are available.

Hmm.

We need to look into this. For, as long as we can't hide from the annoyance of folks' "self expression" via cell phone, blaring at us everywhere we turn, why not add the subtle sounds of words and phrases like "Nantucket" and "a glorious cocking" to the mix?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/24/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Sleeping Sergio

Sleeping Sergio has intricate music and poetic lyrics--but that's not the type of thing "Entertain Yourself" readers have come to expect. So:

They have a cool fan base, replete with copious hot chicks, and they're a bunch of cool dudes. How cool, you may ask? Well, they enjoy my "standby" (aka recycled and hack) jokes as a music show emcee--and have even issued gag requests! What's more, while they're on MySpace, they're all up for making fun of its hella-lamity! Which relates back to the gag request, and is as good a time as any to leave this with:

http://www.myspace.com/sleepingsergiomusic

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/25/2007:

Her name to Limerick, Molly teased--

not once but TWICE--and asked for three!

New ground--twice in verse!--

but... Why not a first?

Yet thrice begs: Get down on those knees...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/25/2007:

Noted an advertising insert in our daily newspaper touting, "Women's Colored Jeans."

Ohhh no. It's "Women's AFRICAN-AMERICAN Jeans"!

Er... We think. Or something...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 8/26/2007:

New add to our gadget-mad muck--it's

ringtone poetry... Praise Nantucket!

When off goes your phone,

can Lim'rick the tone--

perhaps someone near'll...have good luck fit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/26/2007:

You may have noticed that yesterday's edition was NEVER FREAKIN' POSTED.

That's right, for the first time in more than eight years, the ball was completely dropped on a Daily Limerick edition. (Hmm... It may have happened before the "real" site, during the mostly e-mail days. Nonetheless, this is egregious.)

Of course, anything that you missed can be found in the archives.

Now, at this point, we almost feel bad about mentioning our new Web host, which bought out the old--and is responsible solely for this fuck-up. Actually, we really don't feel bad at all, but are afraid they'll screw with us even more if we do that.

So... Ask us to recommend a Web host to NOT go with, if you're in the market...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 8/26/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: You Always Remember Your First Time...Getting Kicked Out of a Bar

It was the late '80s. I was attending the University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana, occasionally anyway. My dorm mate and I went into the big frat bar on campus, Kam's, one weekday afternoon.

We were not fraternity types. At all.

He suggested hitting it perhaps BECAUSE we were bound to be so out-of-place. And it being a weekday afternoon, it'd be less likely that we'd get our ass kicked.

Other than the bartender and an older black guy, I don't recall anybody else in the bar...but I think there were more patrons. Anyway, we ordered beers and were sitting by one of the taps, which was not even in use at the time, nor hooked-up, and one of us jokingly pretended that we were stealing a brew from the tap.

Soon, we were informed that we had to leave Kam's.

The black guy came to our defense. "They didn't do anything."

We left nary a protest nor a fight.

Somehow, the tale seems metaphorical of that first, 18-year-old attempt at college, somehow, some way...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 8/26/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Nope

 

Mike "Boom" Chmielecki is taking the week off to go spelunking.

Mike's Accursed Verse will return next week to its regularly scheduled dreck...

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/27/2007:

Though some are pissed that Congress takes

its typical, late-summer break,

when, active or lame,

results?... Much the same!

(At least there's not pork on the make!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/27/2007:

We've got good news and bad news.

The bad news is... Well, not very interesting. But trust us. It's REAL bad.

Otherwise... Well, they say no news is good news, right?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/28/2007:

As late summer heats, 'fore frigidity

of fall, folks point blame at humidity

for discomfort sluggish,

but world's dumb and thuggish--

it ain't the heat--it's the stupidity!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/28/2007:

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has resigned.

Thus, the turnover rate of the Bush Admin lately is reminiscent of the days when I, Chief Limericist (checked-in, here), worked fast food.

Of course, fast food is one thing and a presidential administration, especially one overseeing a war, is something extraordinarily different.

Then again... Well, we at Long John Silvers achieved most of our "benchmarks." And, come to think of it, I guess those benchmarks made more sense. And, actually, as we're enhancing this jaunt down Memory Lane...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/29/2007:

Gonzales is the latest dude

resigning from troubled Bush brood.

A Dem four-leaf clover--

don't see such turnover

outside of the world of fast food!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/29/2007:

So, many media pundits are claiming that everyone's turned on the NFL's Michael Vick because he's black.

For if, say, Peyton Manning were found to have horribly tortured and killed dogs, all those doggie hotels, and doggie clothiers, and gourmet doggie treat makers would go out of business--the whole "man's best friend" ploy being a centuries old facade existing solely to slander the otherwise upstanding likes of Michael Vick...

In perusing crime stories, we've noticed an inordinate amount of shootings to the buttocks this summer. Which either foretells a greater effort among thugs to perpetrate non-lethal crimes or a growing hatred for the posterior region.

We'd say that perhaps the target is just a larger percentage of the average human's overall physique these days, but we wouldn't want to contribute to negative opinions of one's body image...

There's much in the public discourse about how to prepare one's self for having children. Child-proof the house, prepare for a whack to the social life, etc.

But I don't think the world has been sufficiently warned about the danger that children pose to one's nuts.

Kids apparently have a built-in testes magnet or something. Jump on your lap? Whack to the nuts. Run up to hug you? Head in the nuts.

Perhaps its all part of nature's balance, given that human beings no longer have much in the way of natural predators.

You've spawned kids? Okay, in order to keep the population manageable, those kids are gonna take out your nuts...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 8/29/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Whered'd the Lil' Hotdogs Go?

Picked-up an old friend the other day, brought her home and had at her.

It was a family size can of Spaghetti-Os, gutter-minded bastards!

Anyway, I was forced to make due with Spaghetti-Os with meatballs.

The Spaghetti-Os with hotdogs were always my favorite. And the favorite of a lot of folks. Countless are the times I've rued aloud, with others, the fact that Spaghetti-Os with hotdogs only came in the smallest size cans.

Tiny little hotdogs. Perhaps they'd make crappy hotdogs, eaten as hotdogs generally are, in a bun and all. But somehow they just complimented the Spaghetti-Os just right, making for a true American delicacy.

Now... It appears they don't offer Spaghetti-Os with hotdogs. Not even in the tiny can.

This is truly a dark day for humanity.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 8/29/2007:

Regarding Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section, which featured Sleeping Sergio:

> Hey Sloop,

>

> Thanks for the feature on the old DL.com! Thanks again and we'll see ya Friday.

>

> Doug / SS

The "old DL.com"?

Anyway, we're just pumped that anybody would refer to that literary jizz as a "feature"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/30/2007:

There's now a strange Michael Vick schism--

racism's part of our decision

to shun him, some say.

Real bias at play?

Is what, I guess you'd call, "prick-ism"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/30/2007:

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig (do we have to even mention that he's a "conservative Republican"?), upon being arrested for soliciting gay sex in a Minneapolis airport restroom, claims he simply "overreacted and made a poor decision."

Well. Following a political philosophy outside the bounds of your true self is certainly a poor decision--but what about the charges?...

To help Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers in their decisions on whom to vote for in the still-more-than-a-year-away presidential election:

Both Hillary Clinton and John Edwards are onboard the movement of "Prohibition III: Secondhand Science"...

So, Lisa Nowak--the diaper-wearing astro-nut--offers a few explanations for her behavior, including "stressors."

Of course, us non-astronauts should thus give her a pass. What do we know about "stress"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 8/31/2007:

The Astro-Nut says guilt is lesser

'cause she's subject to--get this--"stressors."

That poor victim girl!

Strange probs from dark world--

us "normies," of "stress," can just guess-er!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 8/31/2007:

Women's groups are voicing their displeasure over the fact that Michael Vick has his nuts to the fire over dog-fighting allegations--while NFL players mistreating women cause less than half the uproar.

You know, these groups are right! Women AREN'T getting their due here. And to do our part, we're gonna start the first "Chick Fighting" ring...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 8/31/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Sunil K. Chopra

Sunil K. Chopra is a pensive, emotive musician whose songs innovatively explore relationships and such.

But he manages to pull it off in a helluva rockin' manner.

Bastard probably has to wear "chick away" when he goes out, too... And we can't hate him for it because he's not peddling wuss rock! Anyway:

http://www.sunilkchopra.com

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Bied