Daily Limerick
Archives: December 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 12/1/2007:

One chick's biggest fear was the plight

of "green Christmas"--just don't seem right!

Tired of play'n with self

jumped jolly old elf

and Christmas (and face!) was all white!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/1/2007:

Okay, okay. We'll admit today's Limerick is filthy. Base. Add your own adjective. And all to kick off the Season of periodic Christmas-themed Limericks... (Sigh.)

But although the Chief Limericist is certainly ashamed of himself, as is often the case, it also begs the question... Is the unshameful life truly worth living?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/2/2007:

As we hit the Christmas time fray

one adjective, this point's, cliche--

so lose the compunction

to whine of "dysfunction"!

Boo hoo! Just do Season YOUR way!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/2/2007:

Headline:

"'Kill Her by Firing Squad,' Protesters Cry"

This headline refers to a situation in Sudan. The "her" in question is a woman who committed a crime so atrocious that... Well, she named a Teddy bear "Muhammad."

Yes, this is something we're tripping all over ourselves to respect in the name of "culture."

Here's what I propose: You know how many guys name their John Thomases? Lil' Elvis, Herman the German (thanks to the "built-in" German combat helmet), Mr. Friendly--what have you?

Well, we're encouraging guys to start calling their Willies, "Muhammad."

Now, we're not gonna make an actual CAMPAIGN out of this, with a running blurb in Daily Limerick or anything, as we have for important causes in the past. (Encouraging Jennifer Love Hewitt to pose for Playboy, for instance, or rallying for the Chicago Bears to reactivate a cheerleading squad.) That'd be TOO dangerous. But we're taking on SOME danger in even mentioning it, we suppose.

And to set an example for this brave exercise in Freedom of Speech, all of us here in the Daily Limerick Towers are naming our peckers, "Muhammad."

Well, we'll start with the Chief Limericist doing it and see from there; no need to endanger, say, a young pup like Fred the intern, what with practically his whole life ahead of him and all...

Good news for the holidays:

The growing movement that throws a hissy fit at the idea of "personal choice," as it leads to individuals making health choices that don't agree with the movement's elitist wannabe do-gooders, has taken a hit.

While fourteen states have seen proposed bans on "Trans Fats" (because, of course, we need to be protected from ourselves and aren't as all-knowing as these special liberal fascists) none have passed--and prospects for the bills don't look good.

Have we thanked you "secondhand science" bastards for opening the door to this lately?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/2/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Last Laughs

Many moons ago, I was living with a woman and a friend of mine, a guy who's brilliant but a bit off, whom we'll refer to as "Nutley," got married to a wonderful woman...we'll call her "Buttley." (Rhymes with Nutley, you know. He hee. Anyway.)

Well, he did the cheapo City Hall thing and held their wedding reception at The Olive Garden.

My girlfriend, who was either then my fiancee or soon to become that, made fun of the couple.

We planned a wedding and reception at a hoity-toity outdoor restaurant and were married about a year after Nutley and Buttley.

Me and Rhonda were divorced approximately three years ago.

Moral of the story?

Those two are still married--and seemingly quite happy...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/2/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Ah, ha

 

I'm running out of room on this scroll.

So should I start another, or pack it in?

I could fill the whole length of it

with music and sighs, sweat and signs.

 

Ha! is funny sad. It speaks of great distance.

Jumping the gap between wishes and reality.

Stare down into that chasm at the dreamers' bones.

And laugh. They would do the same for you.

 

Let your good humored temper roll down,

to their sweet resting places, their discarded thoughts,

their burnt out hopes. But ah, is the bottom of a dirty

abyss really the sweetest stop? To dreamers, sometimes.

 

Realists are often confused for pessimists. And a candle

is not really a candle unless it holds a flame -- this

I believe. And what is a glass of water without someone

to pour it? What thirst is quenched then?

 

I will leave these things as they are, in mid-jump.

These words, the rungs of a ladder, invisible over

the darkness, without a way to step up or head down.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/2/2007:

> SUBJECT: M.C. Hammer/ M.C. Escher

>

> You are such an intereresting character, John. Using words

> like "Leviathan" and keeping abreast of important political

> subjects, yet also writing about Swedish womens' boobies and

> other sundry low-brow topics....I guess you are well rounded

> or, something? Hmmmm.

>

> But fun to read- and for the record, I don't think it's

> incompatable for a comedian to write about the news... in fact,

> it's downright necessary.

>

> Best Regards,

> Slappy White

Wow. We haven't heard from Slappy in a while. Since he died, for sure (he did die, right?)... Anyway, we're not used to positive feedback.

If you're referring to the Chief Limericist, he'll be better rounded after the holidays, perhaps.

And although it's rarely acknowledged, boobies play an important part in the history of the world. Hell, not all of us here are even boob men, but they're certainly one of the more likeable bodily attributes (and sources of power), in our opinion.

We're unified in this manner in the Daily Limerick Towers. Except, perhaps, for Fred the intern. But we won't go there...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/3/2007:

Chick's Teddy bear naming caused dilly

in Muslim world--some cried out, "Kill-y!"

o'er its name, "Muhammad"--

and, thinking upon it...

Should all use that name for our Willies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/3/2007:

Is it really true, as advertising folk seem to discern, that morons will buy something as expensive and important as an automobile...based on its music player?...

Okay, so a "fluffer" is somebody who makes sure a porn star's hair, makeup, etc. is just right for filming. A form of "powdering one's nose" (and, we assume, other parts).

Okay, okay... Maybe fluffers exist for any type of actor or actress, but we're especially amused by the idea of a porn fluffer, so leave us be.

So if you're a fluffer AND an occasional extra in porn flicks... Does that make you a "fluffer-nutter"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/4/2007:

Chicago's unveiling new measures--

plug tap water, for drinking pleasure,

'cause waste comes with bottles

for marketers coddled

who sell it like sand in a desert!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/4/2007:

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Erection Update...

Er, make that:

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Election Update...

No, actually, we're stickin' with:

Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin' Erection Update...

Nooo!

The 2008 presidential presidential election may be already down the crapper.

Let us explain:

We strive to be anti-partisan here in the DL Towers, and we COULD vote for a moderate Republican, but the GOP ticket has BEEN in the crapper from the start, what with McCain's lobotomy since the last time he ran and major party leaders being Iraq Stupid. (Although, to be fair, it seems most Dems now only PRETEND to be non-Iraq Stupid.)

Thus, since we don't concern ourselves with endorsing anybody, only in de-endorsing, we've de-endorsed the Republicans.

It should also be pointed out that a de-endorsement doesn't necessarily preclude a vote for said candidate, as we're generally stuck with picking the moron over the idiot.

The third parties and fringies always have a chance of gaining the DL vote and rarely see de-endorsements. Which leaves us with the Dems.

Everybody but Barack and Hillary were de-endorsed--mostly because they're a bunch of shits-fer-brains for wasting time, energy and money trying to top Hil and Golden Boy. Edwards is doubly de-endorsed for having the nerve after being part of the John Kerry Disaster.

Hillary was de-endorsed quickly because... C'mon. We were often fans of Bill, but Hil can't pick a salad dressing without consulting a focus group. That happens in politics, we know, but... She tried pulling off going from a Cubs fan to a Yankees fan!

So Obama's the only one, cruising around, un-de-endorsed...and now there are rumors of some sort of team involving Obama and...Michael Bloomberg. The New York mayor talkin' independent candidacy. (Or does he have one going? It's so hard to tell with all the exploratory committees and crap.)

Bloomberg's the guy who began by masturbating in city hall over the thought of secondhand science. That's remarkably popular these days, though, and nobody heeded words from the likes of Daily Limerick, which predicted what came next.

Wild-eyed, drooling and with a months-long hard-on raging over the anti-smoking success, the power-mad do-gooder was addicted--next up was banning trans fat and forcing restaurants to expend near impossible amounts of time and trouble to post full nutritional information on every menu offering. (Fortuitously struck down by an appellate court--but still theoretically able to appeal further.)

Laugh all you want, now, but mandating servings of fruits and vegetables per day isn't far off.

There's no official/Bloombergmeister-Meisterbloomberger connection...yet.

But, as we should have expected, 2008 will likely again be a choice between a) the one who frightens us least; or b) third party or fringie.

Complicated further by the overall showdown of Big Brother vs. Big Mother...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/4/2007:

Here's more in what has become a sort of continuing story in our Letters dept.:

> Slappy white lives! (actual grafitti at NIU campus)

>

> By the way, did I ever tell you about my dysfunctional family?

>

> Love,

> Mortimer Snerd

You know... Do we really have to pretend that all of these missives require a thoughtful answer?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/5/2007:

With trans fat ban pitches a'growing--

but most failing--I hope it's showing

the Prude Fest we see

each start, century

perhaps finally is a'slowing!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/5/2007:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

I have a box of Christmas ornaments and bric-a-brac that I use to decorate for the holidays. Some of these things are a bit...cutesy, I guess you'd say? Leftovers from the ex-wife (although she hauled away most of the stuff she wanted--and more). And while I've weeded out some of the worst offenders, I'm still compelled to use what I've got and thus... Well, Christmas-y kitchen towels are hanging from my oven's handle, for instance.

One of the items I now have out is a Charlie Brown doll. (Actually, he looks a bit like Frankenstein meets Charlie Brown, but he's supposed to be Good Ol' Chuck.) He plays out of tune, distorted Peanuts Christmas music via some sort of speaker box ("Christmastime is Here").

Just how he plays this music is what's at issue today. There's a mini-sign hanging from his arm that says, "Squeeze My Hand."

My theory? There's a toy designer/disgruntled uncle somewhere, upset that too many kids are now onto the "pull my finger" trick--and seeking to lull future generations into a false sense of security...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/5/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Licensing "Delight"

I recently bought a box of Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats of a new variety, "Strawberry Delight."

Now, I waited a while before trying them, largely because cereal for me is a late-night food. (While I eat a full dinner before the shows I host, I inevitably return home late starving and wanting a quick yet filling snack/meal before bed--not too heavy, not too light). I also admit to forgetting about them.

However, the cereal wouldn't let me forget it easily because it's so damn aromatic. Every time I open the cabinet housing it, it's as if a cloud of strawberry goodness escapes.

You can imagine just how stoked I was to finally taste Strawberry Delight on the evening I cracked open the box...but all I found was disappointment.

Aroma is usually a good indicator of taste--but not always. And this forms an exception to the rule. A mere mild strawberry flavor hit my taste buds upon crunching into them. Far short of the berrylicious I was expecting.

Thus, I questioned the adjective, "Delight." Passable flavor, perhaps, but "delightful"? I wondered whether we should consider a licensing system for "delight," "delightful" and other words of such ilk.

Then thought about the FDA, government efficiency and... Well, thought I could at least warn berrylicious seekers to look elsewhere...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/6/2007:

As a career, fluffer's like butter--

aid movie stars with heart a'flutter!

And if it's for porn--

with "extra" hat worn

that makes you a pro "fluffer-nutter"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/6/2007:

The recent shooting deaths of Sergio Gomez and Zayda Pena bright the total number of Mexican musicians murdered to eight (or more) this year.

Who do they think they are--players on the American hip-hop scene?...

Commentary section headline:

"Priests are Happy Without Wives"

Well, duh...

Just kidding. Marriage can be a wonderful thing. But... We'll otherwise stick with "duh!" until adult/child marriages are legal...

Just kidding... Maybe...

Baltimore Ravens cornerback Samari Rolle is whining that an NFL referee referred to him as "boy."

Okay, the first goal of the People Who Insist Upon a World in Which Nobody Can Possibly be Offended is to take all of the fun out of everything, Free Speech be damned.

The Final Solution, evidently, is to ensure that we can't say or write ANYTHING...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/7/2007:

Though we're not quite sure why we care

(convinced Human Race has no prayer)

ad men seem to know

how low our bar goes--

buy'n cars based on MP3 play'rs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/7/2007:

First a disclaimer:

We're certainly no big fans of Dubya--in fact, he's at least in the running for Worst U.S. President in History. But... Can we knock off the "we TOLD you so" celebrations over recent intelligence's indicating that Iran stopped pursuing its nuclear ambitions?

Okay, another disclaimer:

Like most of what Dubya has done, we're not fans of the "unilateral rush to attack" technique but... (You KNEW another "but" was coming, didn't ya'?)

After the U.S. and international community's pathetic display of military intelligence regarding Iraq... Why in the hell are so many so willing to celebrate the "findings" of the U.S. and international community regarding IRAN'S allegedly NOT having/pursuing WMDs?...

So, that ass who shot up the Nebraska mall left a note behind which said, among other things, "Now I'll be famous."

Perhaps. And while losing a McDonald's job and a girlfriend within a short period can be argued to be loser-ish, you left no doubt about your Loser status with that last stunt.

Not to mention he only killed eight people.

Some spree killer, he was...ol' what's-his-face...

Christmas gift-buying tip:

Okay, maybe we can't speak for women or other people close to you for whom you may shop, but we can speak for heterosexual men and... Well, never, ever listen to any writer or journalist or personality who allegedly has "tips for what to buy your man for Christmas."

We've seen a couple articles on the theme already this year and they're all very bad ideas. Not to mention that, if you're close to somebody, you shouldn't NEED such advice.

And any columnist/writer/personality/what-have-you who recommends a spa treatment for a heterosexual man should be fired...

Oh, and any heterosexual man who WANTS a spa treatment as a gift should just come out of the closet already...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/7/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: High School Reunions

If you want to be entertained, hit your high school reunions.

Not to catch-up with old friends, see what everybody's up to and all the normal stuff that's supposed to make the reunions fun. No, go to feel better about yourself.

Because if you've taken any reasonable steps whatsoever at pursuing your dreams and keeping remotely in shape, it's gonna be a feel-good. Even by the five-year, folks are falling apart and locked in lame careers. By the time the 10-year reunion rolls around, most of the classmates who played villain to you will be fat, will generally look like hell and will have long job titles that make it difficult to discern what the hell they actually do for a living. And reunions after that?... They might as well throw the buffet in a trough.

Considering most adult Americans end up in careers they're not so fond of and DO plump up in early adulthood like an inflatable safety boat with the ripcord pulled... Well, perhaps you, too, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, show the effects of modern American life upon your physical and mental forms.

But... Well, you can still look forward to catching-up with old friends...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/8/2007:

Some say Mr. Scrooge, the ol' plugger,

in reality, was meat chugger.

Each year, Tiny Tim,

on top of life grim,

prayed to avoid being humbuggered!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/8/2007:

We just learned of a governing body we hadn't known of, which embarrasses us a bit as journalists, or at least "journalists," and... Well, we think our Chief Limericist could actually get elected to it.

It's called the "Sexual Congress."

Er... Wait.

Funny, it's not capitalized... Hmm... OHHH...

Newsworthy Slappin' and Yappin' nugget, take two:

You can't have analysis without anal.

That, er, occurred to us recently.

Not sure what to make of it.

Ahem.

Oh. It IS Saturday.

Well. That'll do it then...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/9/2007:

That loser supreme, hella-lame,

who shot up the mall, seeking "fame"?

In Hist'ry, remembered!

Well, 'least through December,

we'll never forget...what's-his-name?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/9/2007:

Funny how Jenna Bush called her father, George W., on the "Ellen" show, thus making a presidential audio appearance.

Especially since "Ellen" is one of two scab shows, the other being Carson Daly's mess, defying the Hollywood writers' strike.

We suppose the silver lining is the fact that both are truly, hopelessly Godawful shows...

John F. Krimsky Jr., a former fund-raiser for the U.S. Olympic Committee, faces child pornography charges.

So... Will they have to give back all of the money he brought in while employed by the U.S.O.C., or will they just put asterisks in the financial records?...

Of course, we're kidding at the U.S.O.C.'s expense. It's not like Krimsky did something harmful to society overall, like putting steroids into his own body or anything...

Whaddaya know? We received an e-mail from...ourselves? The "From" line says the SAME E-MAIL ADDRESS as we have! Guess we gotta read it and buy whatever they're selling! What crafty marketing! Doi doi doi!...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/9/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Threesome of Threesomes

Exciting headline, isn't it?

Unfortunately, the edition itself may leave you wanting. In fact, I only mention this incident because I've related, in Sunday Story Time, the two previous times whereby I stumbled upon a threesome offer so... A precedent has been set.

To recap, I'd been offered two threesomes in the past and turned both down--one because one third of the would-be threesome was borderline stalking me (although I still thought it over) and the other because I had a girlfriend at the time (who consequently wasn't one of the would-be three).

Oh, and a disclaimer, while I'm at it: By "threesome," I mean me and two chicks. The other configuration is just... Uh-uh.

So I turned down my third threesome offer. Why, you may be wondering? (Hell, I'm still wondering.)

Well... The main offering chick is married--but in an open relationship. Now, things that would generally put the kibosh on a possible new relationship or regular twosome can often be overlooked when the ante is upped to a threefer, but... I happen to KNOW the guy she's married to. Great guy and all.

It's not like me and he are great friends. In fact, we're more acquaintances than friends. And the nature of that marriage indicates that he wouldn't view this dalliance as cheating but... I don't know. It sorta weirds me out.

And, yes, I do often curse myself for this burdensome "integrity" crap I have to live with. But I know I'm going to be seeing the two of them again in about a week and... We'll see how my moral compass performs then.

Oh, and yes, I suppose this all can be interpreted as bragging on my part and... I suppose it is, in a way. But you gotta admit, this kinda thing happens and you wanna tell people.

But, as a humorist, of sorts, who's fostered the tried-and-true self-deprecation thing for so long that it's actually affected my self esteem in reality... I won't tell YOU Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should I actually get another offer and DO it.

Believe it or not, my mentioning the threesome offers is shooting for more of a "You Screwed Up a Threesome, Charlie Brown!" angle than a pumping-myself-up angle.

And although I'm arguably lucky to have had not one, not two, but THREE such offers (emceeing live music shows has its perks), I'm optimistic I'll find one I can take advantage of yet.

After all, these things come in threes.

So... Oh, well...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/9/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Child fire

 

To the boy, matches were like pencils

and the woods at the edge of the clearing

were his paper. He wrote soft, sweet lines

at first, scorching only the underbrush.

But soon he needed more light and heat

and more room to compose a love letter

that even she would understand.

 

As the kindling he piled at the base

of the old spruce caught, he felt something

move in him. Unnameable, but no less real.

Feeding the blaze, feeling open and free.

Soon, the bark started to slide away,

the lower branches lit, the wind fanned it,

and before long, the whole tree, then several

trees, then the whole edge of the clearing,

and some of the tall grass in the clearing itself.

The old spruce fell, a blackened smoldering cracking thump.

Then the world existed to throw his words into the sky.

 

He kept running as the hot flush started to burn

too deeply. The flames were too high now,

out of his control. The sky was glowing,

a great column of smoke snowed ash into his hair

and onto his skin.

 

And he realized,

looking into the furnace he had made,

as more trees fell in the near distance,

and sticks made language that was no longer his,

no,

she would not understand this either.

She would never understand. And the hot tears came.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/9/2007:

> One of the things I learned in the Army was that,

> what you hear in the media isn't necessarily the

> truth.  Many people dislike the  the president

> because of the Iraq  war, but the military still

> supports  him by at least  70-80%. Also you must

> remember that the media is about 80% democrat and

> they wish to help elect a Dem. president. I'm sure

> your statement "We're certainly no big fans of

> Dubya--in fact, he's at least in the running for

> Worst U.S. President in History", must have something

> to do with the Iraq war since the economy is doing

> good and the country is  doing great overall. The

> point is, once you get past the Medias twist to

> things, Dubya is doing a good job with the hand he

> has been dealt. When he joins Nancy Pelosi in trying

> to get the country to speak Spanish. Then I'll agree

> with your statement.

Wow.

I suppose we COULD argue with this, but we're so flattered that somebody's taking us seriously that... Wow.

Speaking of "in the running," this may be the pithiest reply we've yet to receive.

Should've guessed that Karl Rove would be getting bored about now...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/10/2007:

Intel now says, Iran'yan kooks,

some time back, stopped program for nukes.

But 'fore we end flak...

Remember Iraq?

Don't think faulty intel was fluke!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/10/2007:

So, Wilco and a bunch of other hip bands played a Barack Obama rally the other day.

All right, hipsters. Listen once and listen well:

While there was bitching for a while about the lack of "protest music"... You're supposed to focus on ISSUES, not CANDIDATES.

We know, we know, Obama's cool. We've de-endorsed him the least, so far, out of the potential candidates. But can't you see the implications of artists tied-in with specific corporate products?...

"See Inside" kinda headline:

"Is Tickling Torture: 'It Can Be Really Traumatic,' Says Parenting Expert"

Just ignore DL/S&Y and our wide-eyed, nutty conspiracy theories.

There's not War on Fun raging in our society. No, not at all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/11/2007:

At loss--Christmas gift for your guy?

Can't think of good one, though you try--

ignore those news features!

Spa? Not for het creatures--

if nothing else, give him hair pie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/11/2007:

GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is refusing to recant a 1992 statement, dug-up as part of the Far Too Early Election Mania, in which he suggested that AIDS victims should be...well, quarantined, or something like that. (He's still quibbling over the use of that word.)

This provides a nice example of how political things don't always pan out to be black-and-white, as they say.

On one hand... Well, he's a raving lunatic, of course.

On the other... Well, it's every-so-slightly refreshing to see an anti-flip-flop, not to mention that it's about time that some among the masses o' candidates started committing political suicide...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/12/2007:

Obama--cavorting with Bloomberg?

It fills me with feeling of gloom-berg!

One candidate left

with soul non-bereft?...

But Big Mother King... '08's doomed-berg!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/12/2007:

So, Harvard is enacting a new program to help families afford its massive tuition.

The new program is exclusively geared toward six-figure families.

Who do they think they are, helping the hardly-needy? The Bush Administration?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/12/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Fire in the Heart, Belly And...

Everyone knows, or should know, that you should be careful when touching open cuts or the eyes after handling hot peppers, such as jalopenos.

We're here to inform you that... Say you handle hot peppers, sauce, etc. before, oh, we don't know...masturbating, for instance?

Well... We trust you can figure it out from here.

Happened to a friend of a friend's cousin's brother-in-law, or something...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/12/2007:

Regarding GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee's non-flip-flop in the course of being confronted with a 1992 statement about desiring to isolate AIDS victims to protect everyone else and... Well:

> I saw your statement about Huckabee and since I heard

> about it before but never actualy saw the statement,

> I thought I would look it up...

>

> If thats all he said I don't know what the fuss is.

> Although Isolation isn't feasible, I think its better

> that hes thinking about the majority for a change rather

> than minority.

Excuse us, but we're a leery of spending too much time on the mainstream blather about the Gaggles o' Candidates, most of whom haven't a prayer anyway.

But we're stoked that we got one Slapper Yapper Grasshopper to look something up that's election-related--trumping CNN and Fox News, I believe, in election coverage...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/13/2007:

Mike Huckabee says he won't hide

from "is'late AIDS victims" aside.

One bright side: No flip-flop--

plus mass pres. push need stop

with political suicides!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/13/2007:

There's an organization called "Locks of Love" that gives real hair, from real people in the form of wigs, to children who have hair loss, from chemotherapy or whatever. I think it's national but, in any event, it's here in Chicago.

All in all, a very nice organization. So we probably shouldn't mention this but... Ahem:

There's a photo in my newspaper of a pretty young lady having her hair chopped off. Bringing to mind the question... Ahem (again):

Do kids really need the hair as bad as adults, who generally enjoy getting laid now and then?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/14/2007:

Financial aid? Harvard's creation

helps six-figure fam'lies of nation!

Protects mid-class shrinking...

Just who are they thinking

they are--the Bush Administration?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/14/2007:

So Bill Shaheen, national co-chairman of Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign, said Wednesday that Democrats should give more thought to Sen. Barack Obama's admission of teenage drug use.

Does anybody else long for the days when... Well, you felt you had some sort of choice in an election--that electing someone from one or the other party(ies) would make some sort of difference, in some way, ANY way?...

We've just learned that a book exists called, "Hockey for Dummies."

However, it's NOT for fans who've continued to follow the NHL since its ridiculous, "half-the-teams-make-it" "playoffs" system was enacted...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/14/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Santa Bring My Baby Back (To Me)

The title of today's edition is my favorite Christmas song, at least currently, by, of course, our Lord and Savior, Elvis Presley.

It rocks. And jingles, at the same time.

I'd describe it more but... You should just listen to it, already, if you want to know more. Plus, I don't call myself the World's Worst Music Critic for nothing...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/15/2007:

There is a hot girl named Alexis

whose legs seem the length of damn Texas!

So when she gets rocked

by a probing cock

her ankles get tucked 'hind her neck-sis!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/15/2007:

Automakers in India have designed a car that will cost $2,500.

Which sounds like a great idea that's time has come... But it'll never fly in the U.S. Affordability falls second to keeping the credit and red tape industries in business...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/16/2007:

Though Hillary apologized,

campaign kicked Barack 'tween the thighs

o'er drug use long past.

'Member old vote casts--

two parties brought diffs 'tween to choose?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/16/2007:

So, the full-on Major League Baseball Steroid Report has implicated... Pretty much everybody, it seems. Except for a ball boy, here or there.

Don't we ever stop and think, "Gee--if so many people are doing something, should we maybe try another, non-dogmatic tactic, here? Like... Oh, legalize them to make them safer; get science and business working on physical enhancements that won't have such severe side effects? After all, the line is subjective--we don't outlaw, say, protein shakes, which bring an advantage over non-protein shake drinkers."

No. That's not the American Way. We'll just continue this War on Drugs, a licensed subsidiary of the general War on Common Sense...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/16/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Cookies in my Eye

Once in high school, I came home a bit stoney from the marijuana to find my mom unexpectedly at home.

I figured my eyes were red. So I did what any red-blooded, straight-thinking guy my age would do.

I ran to the cookie jar, threw a cookie up in the air as if I were trying to catch it in my mouth, had it instead hit me in the eye... And then mumbled something like, "Oh, now I have cookie crumbs in my eye!"

Ahem.

I guess it worked. Or, in any event, I wasn't implicated for any controlled substance smoking.

I told my friends about this, apparently thinking it'd be a good "tip" to pass along... And I never heard the end of it in high school.

"Look at me! I'm John! Whoops! I have cookies in my eyes!"

The prices of...er, innovation, I guess. At least that's what I call it...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/16/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Clean up

 

Don't you know how to clean up

after yourself, after the thin skin

of the bubble stops painting faces

on your cheeks? First you pull a rag

from the slumbering fire. And then

you shake the ashes off as best

as you can. And you disconnect

the fucking phone -- that beast

is nothing but trouble and silence.

Now you put on your shoes and go

outside, and watch the kids playing

in the snow. They are not so concerned

about falling off the icy hill.

They're on dangerous ground

and safer than you realize.

 

Now you walk into the city.

And you do not speak to anyone,

you simply watch them going by.

And enter the library. Clomp the mud

and slush off your shoes. Pull out a book,

pull up a chair. The sound of all those

pages turning. Try to hear what's beneath them,

the whispers of some promise you haven't found.

 

And stuff the rag in your pocket.

Why have you been holding it in your hands all this time?

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/17/2007:

Can no longer stay swept 'neath rug--

into 'roid mess, Baseball's now dug!

Ast'risks would be plenty,

it fingered so many...

But let's not rethink "War on Drugs!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/17/2007:

Negative side effect of wearing a Santa hat around in the weeks preceeding Christmas (which is, I might add, warm and thus practical)?

Oh--Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Somebody asked me the other day, "So, were you ringing the bell?"

Everybody mistakes you for one of THOSE guys--mooching money to help the poor in exchange for religious indoctrination...

Chief Limericist, still checked-in, here... Anyway, in the course of my typical job Web site checking, I found an opening in Nantucket.

I really don't want to move, at this point in time. And it's not even in my field.

But, nonetheless, tempting--and it would be fitting otherwise...

Did I tell you that I once knew a man from Nantucket?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/18/2007:

In India, now we'll soon see,

a car--2.5K priced, wee!

Long overdue--great!

But won't fly in states--

we've credit and red-tape ind'stries!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/18/2007:

Okay, so Roger Lee Dillon and his girlfriend, Nicole Boyd, both twenty-somethings, pulled off a $7.4 million heist from an armored car.

It's a bizarre, exciting tale--and there's a lot more to it.

Boyd, see, has worked as a model. And she's actually hot, not some sort of elbow model or whatever.

And the two of them were into playing Dungeons & Dragons.

I didn't find hot chicks playing D&D when I was a young nerd. Hell, I maybe encountered two or three chicks who played, total.

Hot chicks playing D&D? Perhaps there IS hope for Humanity, after all...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/19/2007:

A festive man made hopeful call

to chickie, "Come help deck my halls!"

Through snow she did slog

and stoked his Yule Log

while playfully jingling his balls!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/19/2007:

So, now John McCain has gained the official support of Sen. Joe Lieberman.

This on the heels of Obama toying with the idea of pairing with Big Mother's Michael Bloomberg.

Should've figured. We sit and wait for rare instances of bipartisanship--and that inclusiveness just happens to apply to whackjobs...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/19/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Holiday Face-Stuffing

We probably knock-off an "Eat It!" section every year now saying much the same thing we're saying today but... What the hell? This is the last edition before Christmas.

We recommend ham and/or goose and/or duck for Holiday dining.

The turkey industry's co-opted Thanksgiving so, what a reborn Scrooge brought to the dinner table aside, lose the gobbler for the C-Day.

Unless, of course, you go for the TurDuckEn. Which we still absolutely have to try--and frankly recommend EVERYBODY try before they die.

For those NOT in the know, that's a turkey stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a duck.

See? There are still things that Americans can be proud of...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/20/2007:

A recent heist played rather odd;

by model chick--hot face and bod.

But strangest fact be--

she plays D&D!

Some Christmas-time proof there's a God?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/20/2007:

From all of us, to all of...him, a very merry birthday to Mike Chmielecki, of our Sunday "Accursed Verse" fame!

Send along your tidings, and other insane ramblings, to him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com...

(Guess that qualifies as the minimum, one "joke" we shoot for in S&Y each day)...

Okay, okay. We've got more of a real nugget here:

A 33-year-old woman has been charged with sexual assault for groping a 66-year-old man employed as Santa at a Danbury, Conn. mall.

Hmmm... Woman, 33... Man, 66... We're perplexed as to why he'd report such a thing, unless blue-ballin' was involved...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/20/2007:

> whew, that's a spicy limerick today- and it's not even saturday, by God!

By "today," this Slapper Yapper Grasshopper refers to yesterday, as this here DL/S&Y thing isn't an instantaneous dilly.

And we like to think of it not so much "spicy" as...festively filthy?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/21/2007:

McCain--endorsed by Lieberman;

Obama--Mike Bloomberg's new friend.

It figures--pols lob

friendships with whackjobs

when they DO wax non-partisan!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/21/2007:

Headline:

"War Funding Passes With Dems' Help"

But, don't forget, we have TWO major political parties to vote for!

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/21/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Festive First

It's the Holiday Season, so "Entertain Yourself" with that in mind. There are lots of options.

And we'll work this into a gift, from all of us at Daily Limerick, to all of you: You don't have to read an entry from the Worst Music Critic on Earth for this last edition before Christmas!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/22/2007:

The music of Christmas? He'll blare it!

All Yuletide fun--Frosty does share it!

So keep open mind

if poked from behind--

for it might not be his nose carrot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/22/2007:

E-mail news update headline:

"Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy at 16 prompting parents to warn preteen fans about sex"

As the cliche goes, there's often a silver lining on every dark cloud.

Thanks to this public Spears pregnancy, parents will now know about this new-fangled sex thing, how it causes pregnancy--and they'll thus know to talk to their kids about it...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/23/2007:

A pervert sought hard for to quell

the inkling he might go to hell.

So holiday loot

marked for prostitutes

was spent on a whore named Noel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/23/2007:

Saw a news story implying that Hillary Clinton "slammed" the health insurance industry.

See, Hil's saying that, if elected, she will make sure and regulate the industry. Kinda like the government "regulates" the media, via the FCC, ensuring that we don't have a handful of conglomerates dishing out 90-some percent of our entertainment.

Considering Hil's offer of the Golden Goose to the industry by pledging to require each and every one of us to buy health insurance... This "slam" is about as real as a pro wrestling body slam...

On Jan. 1, the State of Illinois joins the Big Mother Movement by banning indoor smoking in "public" places. (The places are, in fact, privately owned businesses...but War is Peace and Orwell, apparently, was an optimist.)

Chicago radio station WERV-FM will also ban the playing of the Boston song, "Smokin'."

Begging the question... Does art imitate out-of-control government, or does out-of-control government imitate art?...

One of the contestants on the latest edition of "Survivor" claimed she was demoted from her job after the show...then fessed-up and said it wasn't true.

The biggest "news" here is that... Well, that not only is "Survivor" still on the air--but that also means that people are actually still WATCHING it...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/23/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: A Christmas Slow Dance

When I was a child, my father told me that he'd understand if us kids ended up moving away, what with careers and other adult concerns that we'd have to eventually worry about.

But he said he'd always expect us to make it home for Christmas.

Now, my dad, of course, meant Christmas with the family was to be a priority, arranged at all costs if at all possible--he, course, would understand if circumstances got in the way... And they did, for me, one year.

I moved to Los Angeles with my then-fiance in 1999. And, thus, spent Christmas in L.A.

Despite being a performer and all, and it actually being a good career move for me, I only moved to L.A. because I "owed" it to my fiance. We met, fell in love--and she stayed in Chicago, despite a waiting L.A. job, with me for a while--and I agreed to try Los Angeles in return. For Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers not in the know regarding my personal history, we were married in L.A...and divorced four years later back in Chicago. We were only in L.A. for one Christmas.

I wasn't fond of L.A. At all. For various reasons--some you've heard (from me or others), some you haven't. But the stint was hardest on me during the holidays. The virtually non-existent chance of a white Christmas was there, too, but of course the lack of nearby family was the major issue. I did see an aunt, cousins and such for a change, who all happened to live in Southern California. But, altogether, it was the most festively challenged Holiday Season I've yet lived through.

One day, after me and the fiance had finished decorating the tree and all, the song "I'll Be Home For Christmas," Elvis' version, came on the stereo from our multi-CD, Christmas stereo mix set on "shuffle."

I grabbed my wife and held her tight for a slow dance.

Realize that the refrain "I'll Be Home For Christmas" ends with "...if only in my dreams," of course.

It was one of those...Big Sappy Moments in Life, I guess you'd say? I shed a tear or two during the dance.

I will always remember that incident. One day, a year or two later, I reminisced about it with my wife...who admitted, at that point, that she always found the display "a little goofy."

I suppose that much of my life and endeavors can be described as "a little goofy." But... Well, I'm increasingly amazed at how the past continued to make more sense as it's analyzed from the future's eye.

And, "goofy" or not, I just got a little misty writing about it...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/23/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Deep six solo

 

The sky opens so wide I can see satellites,

they are blinking like the hulls of boats.

 

If the sun reached higher,

it would reflect off fin-shaped mirrors

 

the sea keeps as a secret.

An underwater paradise of sand, silt,

 

ships' bones, flowers torn up in the waves,

and charts with no destinations,

 

a piece of math that has not been solved.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/24/2007:

'Mid Santa's according-to-plan job

he asked Mrs. C for a handjob.

Was no time for nookie--

she was baking cookies

so she gave him gingerbread-man-job!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/24/2007:

It's Christmas Eve...so we're more or less taking the day off.

And just like you, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, we'll be awaiting Santa's visit--the final judgment as to whether we've been mostly naughty or nice over the past year.

We're not entirely sure whether naughty or nice brings more or better presents...so we'll just go with the typical line...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/25/2007:

Peace on Earth a challenging task--

in fact, perhaps too much to ask--

I pray for the world

that each boy and girl

on Christmas receive piece of ass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/25/2007:

Merry Christmas, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!

God bless us, every one!

With the possible exception of Tom Brady...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/26/2007:

(Sigh.) It's day after Christmas... Aw, potty.

Decorations now almost seem gaudy.

Small bright side? Drop facade--

can ditch goodie charade

and indulge repressed urge to be naughty!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/26/2007:

Well. It's the day after Christmas... (Sigh.)

We're taking the day off...nursing the emotional hangover...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 12/26/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Leftovers

...The title speaks for itself.

And just what in the hell did you EXPECT the day after Christmas' "Food" section to be about?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/27/2007:

Post-Christmas blah hits 'cross the land--

but, to make it eas'yer to stand,

can lose Yuletide smile,

return to true style--

again can sneer at fellow man!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/27/2007:

The post-Christmas malaise is awful. We ourselves oft succumb terribly to it.

But we're still amid the Holidays, so we can put off the scheduled post-Yule depression for another week or so. We actually recommend a Scrooge-like rebirth to fight it...but that's another story.

If you ARE feeling down, realize that... Well, if the year is the human body, starting at the tip of the head, Christmas is, of course, the genitals. How could it be anything less...er, festive?

So, if New Year's Eve is the ass, as would naturally follow... Hey--we're now amid the taint of the year!

Hope that...helps...or something...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/28/2007:

Christmas blahs are common complaint--

but New Year's nears, off'ring some paint

of glee--'tis still Season!

'Tween two days, I reason,

that we're now in Holiday Taint!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/28/2007:

Ahem.

You know, like other, er, "businesses" open here in the Holiday Taint, not a lot is getting done here.

Unlike other, um, "businesses" open here in the Holiday Taint, however, we're not pretending otherwise...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 12/28/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Holiday Taint

Have we mentioned our assessment that we're all now amid the Holiday Taint?

Oh. Guess we have.

Well, put the "Yourself" in "Entertain Yourself" and we'll manage to crawl back to duty next week...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 12/28/2007:

Crackpot letter-writing Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, however, are still at it amid this Holiday Taint:

> Though a day late, your prayers must have worked as last night

> I got a piece of ass.

This lump is referring to our Christmas Day Limerick. A real tear-jerker issuing a call for prayer to ensure that all boys and girls get laid.

Ah, the Power of Limerick! For everybody but us, apparently (although Fred has a curious smile post-Christmas)--but revel in the Power, nonetheless...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/29/2007:

Chick CEO was hard to see.

'Tween work and play, always busy!

So liked kinky stuff,

when told "She's tied-up"--

was often meant literally!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/29/2007:

Now, since the weekend before Christmas, and on into the between-Christmas-and-New Year's Holiday Taint, we've... Well, we've slacked off here in the S&Y department.

So what the hell makes you think that on the Extra Cheezy Saturday amid the Taint we're going to write anything tangible in this space?...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 12/30/2007:

Some readers may have a complaint:

DL slacks in Holiday Taint.

But unlike most businesses

open we admits: it's

slacker time--poseurs we ain't!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/30/2007:

Illinois is set to join the fast growing Big Mother Movement with an indoor smoking ban taking effect Jan. 1--all in the name of secondhand science.

Curiously, there will be no state workers checking up on bars and restaurants for compliance. Instead, it will be left to citizens to report establishments who are not playing along.

Thus, the success of this measure is dependent on tattling by busybody, wannabe do-gooders inordinately concerned about what others are doing.

Which, really, given the whole point of this stuff, makes perfect sense...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 12/30/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Luck of the Taint

Have I/we mentioned that we're amid the Holiday Taint?

Admittedly, I'm tickled by the whole taint concept--and even more so by my realization that the time between Christmas and New Year's is a Holiday Taint, of sorts. Thus, I... Well, I suppose I haven't shut up about it here in DL/S&Y.

Nonetheless... I think the calendar taints have the potential to be good to me.

It was, after all, within the two weeks following my birthday that I first got laid. Although... Well, there wasn't a holiday hot on my birthday's heels, so the taint metaphor in that case is sketchy, but... You get the idea.

And, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, I've had an awful year. On almost every front. I'm due for the Karmic Boomerang of Delights, let me tell you.

So, well, there ya' go.

Crappy Sunday Story Time, sure--but at least I didn't blow it off by invoking Post-Christmas Blahs or Holiday Taint Disorientation...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 12/30/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: But a thumb is a small part of the whole

 

I stabbed myself deep in the side of my thumb.

It was by accident, and it bled.

I held the thumb under cold water

until my hand started to lose feeling, and the

water in the sink was washed out orange-pink.

 

That afternoon I drove to Renee's for the last time

as we were. She noticed the wound

after I helped fix a fallen gutter. She wound it

in a bandage and made a sweet fuss over it.

At the movies, she carefully cradled my hand.

 

And then we broke up the following night.

And I saw a friend's recent poem exulting

in closeness and warm sex. And the phone rang

several times today; I jolted whenever it did.

None of this has anything to do with anything.

 

But the act of cataloging can be an art.

Only one meal today and it's already six o'clock.

The heater is on but it remains cold by the window.

And I don't really feel the sting in my thumb,

only two days later, already closed up.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 12/31/2007:

Res'lutions, now pondered upon,

need not be of things you're not fond...

When making that List

take heed of my twist:

Something like...say--"Bang your first blonde"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 12/31/2007:

Really.

Expecting enough work to pump out a NEW YEAR'S EVE edition?

Two words (again): Holiday Taint...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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