Daily Limerick
Archives: February 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2007:

You think it'd "fit" modern TV--

fake folks staging "reality"--

and yet...well, it hasn't--

that Miss 'Mer'ca pageant

just played out to obscurity.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2007:

Daniel Radcliffe, aka the Silver Screen's "Harry Potter," will be starring next month on the London stage in a play called, "Equus"--wherein he will appear nude.

Next to a horse.

Now THAT takes some Sorcerer's Stones!...

(Sometimes, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, we just can't help ourselves)...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/1/2007:

Regarding our Jan. 30 link to a YouTube video featuring our Chief Limericist singing background vocals onstage to "Monster Mash":

> That "Monster Mash" looked slightly uncomfortable but undeniably fun.

Yes, it was slightly uncomfortable, what with those accidentally appropriate, Herman Munster-esque winter boots and the small stage and... Oh. You mean, of course, that WATCHING it was uncomfortable. Moving on...

And on the front of our War on the Big Mother Movement comes this forward:

> "San Francisco suburb may prohibit lighting up in multi-unit dwellings"

>

> This proposed smoking ban has some fuming

>

> A San Francisco suburb may prohibit lighting up in multi-unit dwellings,

> potentially drawing a new line in tobacco war.

>

> By Maria L. La Ganga, Times Staff Writer

> January 29, 2007

>

> http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-belmont29jan29,0,7656220.story?coll=la-home-local

>

> When the City Council of this San Francisco suburb voted to consider what could be the most

> stringent tobacco regulation in America, anti-smoking activists cheered. Banning smoking

> everywhere but single-family detached homes and their yards would be a big step forward, even

> in health-conscious California..

You know... We feel we should address this stuff, as our conglomeratized, downsized, gutless Major Media  doesn't have to time investigate junk science (at best) and/or just accepts all the junk science it's fed (at worst), having apparently forgotten a thing called "Prohibition" and how well that flew, to boot, but... We've beat a dead horse on this and (Chief Limericist checking in, here) as a smoker, albeit a cigar smoker, I really wish we'd find a new minority group that it's politically correct to beat up on, as we apparently need one at all times, as a society.

And then the same joker forward ANOTHER news story link:

> "California may ban conventional lightbulbs by 2012"

Hmm.

Can we really sit by idly and watch our environment ruined by our neighbors' secondhand light bulb emissions?

(Sic 'em, Big City councils, Pelosi, California folks, et. al.!)

***

Hey--check out February's "Stand-Up Poem of the Month" (see "Sloop Central" on the site)! It's Super Bowl-related, ya' bastards!

***

Daily Limerick is quoted in the magazine Time Out Chicago (2/1/07 edition)! Why? Good question... Oh, regarding its public service of drawing the Chicago Bears' lack of cheerleaders into public scrutiny! (See below.) Pick up a copy or check the Web! (You know how to Web search, don't 'cha? Just put your lips together and... Well, you DO know how, right?)

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS FOR THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2007:

Seattle's wild "Coffee Wars" scene-y

has barista chicks in bikinis!

The thing, though it's nice, is

to pay Starbucks prices,

those chicks would need tickle my weenie!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2007:

Go Bears!...

A new study from the University of Chicago says that working in an environment around smoking prompts a 24 percent greater risk of lung cancer.

Newspapers will report this, of course, while asking or answering questions such as: Work over what period of time? Taking into account how much smoke in the air? Ventilation? Why didn't EVERYBODY die of secondhand smoke who lived in the '40s and '50s, with smoking allowable everywhere? Etc., etc.

(Back in the '70s, sodium saccharine was declared cancer-causing due to experiments giving lab rats the equivalent of something like four cases of diet soda a day each.)

(Not to mention that, oh, only three adults on earth, in Zimbabwe we believe, DON'T know of smoking's dangers; bars and restaraunts are PRIVATE, not public, establishments; unlike most work places, the vast majority of people there are out to enjoy themselves--and I've yet to hear of a law requiring anybody to work in an establishment that allows smoking; and business owners are free to open nonsmoking venues at their will, if demand is so high. But, hey, the conservatives have their fact-fudging War on Drugs, so the liberals need theirs.)

But, again, we have to stop beating this dead horse, so on with a related development:

New York State Sen. Jose Rivera (Bronx), hissied-up over eating disorders,  "proposes that weight standards be established for the fashion and entertainment industries."

We've been warning you here at DL/S&Y for some time.

Still think we're overdoing it with the label, "American Health Taliban"?...

Ya' lackadaisical, ignorant, couch potato, believe-whatever-crap-they-tell-us sheep of a populace...

And, by the way, Honorable Sen. Rivera? And this goes for others of your ilk--Mayor Bloomberg, every legislator in Northern California, not to mention Chicago's own goat-fucker Ed Burke and Ill. legislator John Cullerton:

If you really want to provide a service to the public benefiting the Greater Good: Walk in front of a speeding bus...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/2/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Special DOUBLE Edition featuring The Automatic Stinging Machines and Time Out Chicago

This is our first Double Edition because first, the Machines posted a video of our Chief Limericist singing backup vocals with the band on YouTube, prompting us to move them up in the "Entertain Yourself" to-do list--and then Time Out Chicago published a Daily Limerick (see below) and mentions the site, so...

The Automatic Stinging Machines rock in a way that only the Automatic Stinging Machines can.

How does a Worst Music Critic on Earth describe them?... A bit like '60s era British spy rock, with an even harder edge. Oh, and they have dirty lyrics, but in a clever way, which is always a plus. And they're a barrel of lubed-up monkeys live, pulling on-the-spot stunts like... Well, calling Chief Limericist's to the stage to sing backup vocals:

http://www.myspace.com/automaticstingingmachines

Oh, and that YouTube link, getting rave reviews such as "uncomfortable but undeniably fun"?:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZkuViukzzxI...

If you ever visit Chicago, pick up, or surf to, Time Out Chicago to find out what's to do.

When Time Out Chicago came to town, what, about a year or so ago?, I poo-pooed them. "A New York mag? Hitting Chicago amid a slew of free publications, based here, offering a guide to arts, culture and entertainment in the city? And CHARGING money for it?"

But they've proved me oh so wrong.

It blows away other mainstays like the humor-challenged Chicago Reader, with an occasionally bawdy air and a curiosity that tackles many thing the wannabe hipster alt mags miss. And they've  tackled topics others won't touch, such as the our cohort in anti-partisanship, Flabby Hoffman (see Sloop's Glantamerous Links), and... Well, Daily Limerick. (You may have heard of that crackpot site.)

Plus, Leah's hot. From what I remember in my cigar smoke-induced haze, anyway.

See link to the recent DL-mentioning story below. In general:

http://www.timeout.com/chicago/index.jsp

***

Hey--check out February's "Stand-Up Poem of the Month" (see "Sloop Central" on the site)! It's Super Bowl-related, ya' bastards!

***

Daily Limerick is quoted in the magazine Time Out Chicago (2/1/07 edition)! Why? Good question... Oh, regarding its public service of drawing the Chicago Bears' lack of cheerleaders into public scrutiny! (See below.) Pick up a copy or check the Web! (You know how to Web search, don't 'cha? Just put your lips together and... Well, you DO know how, right?)

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS FOR THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2007:

It's Super Bowl Eve--dream the dream!

Us fans need to let off some steam!

So, chicks, catch the mood

and service a dude

like me--and take one for the team!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2007:

Go Bears!...

Saw an ad for a company dubbing itself "Lumber Liquidators."

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

So. Step one of my greatest nightmare has occurred--my exes have all gathered together, at least to go into business...

Now, wait a minute.  I meant that... Anyway, it's the Extra Cheezy Saturday edition. Interpret the gag as you will...

CORRECTION: We gave a bad link yesterday for the Automatic Stinging Machines. (Forgot the "the.")

Try this:

http://www.myspace.com/theautomaticstingingmachines

***

Hey--check out February's "Stand-Up Poem of the Month" (see "Sloop Central" on the site)! It's Super Bowl-related, ya' bastards!

***

Daily Limerick is quoted in the magazine Time Out Chicago (2/1/07 edition)! Just a Limerick (guess the nude photo shoot didn't make the cut) but... Why? Good question... Oh, regarding its public service of drawing the Chicago Bears' lack of cheerleaders into public scrutiny! (See below.) Pick up a copy or see it on the site until the new edition's posted: http://www.timeout.com/chicago/Details.do?page=1&xyurl=xyl://TOCWebArticles2/101/out_there/rah_deal.xml

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS FOR THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2007:

The world brings us worries and cares--

disease, poverty--and wars flare!

But, 'least for today,

tuck all that away

and focus your mind on: "Go Bears!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2007:

Go Bears!...

Sure, the Daily Limerick Office Towers are located in Chicago. And, er, "we" all grew up here. And we believe football is the only professional sport worth following closely.

And Da Bears are in today's Super Bowl.

But beyond that...this is personal. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

It was an Indiana hoosier nutjob chick who stole my limited edition, Alfred E. Neuman Christmas tie at a show this holiday season.

And the same whacktoast started a fight with the stripper from Miami who'd kissed me, seconds after meeting me, that night--which caused both of the dames to be tossed out of the establishment.

And the head of my condo association, aka King Condo... Well, let's just say I have to struggle to remember someone I've known from Indiana whom I've liked.

And that bitch... Ahem. This is freakin' personal...

So, Tyra Banks put on 35 pounds, people have made fun, Tyra got all pissy at "The Media," and now members of said "Media" are now firing back that the fun-making is unfair to Tyra.

Hmm.

Okay. Women shouldn't be judged solely on their physical appearances. Tyra is still smokin' hot. Blah blah blah.

But let's examine Tyra's job title: Model. She has made a name, living, reputation and fame solely off of her looks.

And we can't lie... She looked much hotter without that 35.

So... Feel free to jest and jape.

But, hey, we'd still do ya'...Chubs...

Deck Headline:

"What's Etiquette for Restroom Cell-Phone Chats?"

"Etiquette"?

Now, as noble the intentions may be, is a mainstream newspaper really the proper place to be educating the iPod/cell phone generation on trends lost to the annals of history?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/4/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My 15 Minutes of Football Glory

Looking at me, most people would never peg me as a football player. Then again, most people don't realize that, live and in the flesh, most football players aren't ridiculous giants--linemen, and perhaps linebackers, are, but most are actually surprised when they encounter pros in real life.

I did go to a small high school, but I was a first-string player. Defensive end. On offense, I was the second-string fullback, but it was more like a 1.5-string deal--like the Bears' current Cedric Benson, it was a close call between the first-string guy and I.

On this particular day, however, I was in with the entire second-string. They truly were a bunch of shlubs and we were in against the other team's first-string. It was late in the game and I think we (Johnsburg High School) were ahead. A pal of mine, Larry Gibson, was quarterback and he called the play. The ball was to be handed to the fullback and I was to run with it toward the right guard, who was to try clearing a hole for me.

The ball was hiked, Larry handed me the ball, I tucked me head in toward my chest, to butt my way forward if necessary and avoid looking at the near-inevitable crunch of destruction I was about to experience and... I didn't hit anybody right away.

Continuing to sprint, I highered my head and realized that I saw...daylight! Then...a linebacker jumping at me. I added a leap to my sprint and went over him... A safety went to tackle me, got a good hold on my leg, held me a bit as another safety, or perhaps a linebacker, neared...but I shook him off! The field was now wide open and I ran the remaining 30 yards or so for... A 70-yard touchdown!

I still remember the look of glee on my grandfather's face in the stands! (He didn't have a son, so I was his only shot at vicarious sports participation.) The cheerleaders exploded into "rah rah" excitement! (But only because it was their job--none of 'em liked me, on any level, at all.)

Teammates congratulated me. The crowd cheered. Surveying the scene, my mind returned to more important matters:

My grandparents would soon be taking me out for pizza at the Fox Hole, as they always did after sporting events. And thanks to the TD, THIS time I could even get away with ordering some fried mushrooms on the side!

COMING NEXT WEEK TO SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate--Epilogue

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/4/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Painting something broken

 

She sleeps in a nest of books and rises

at first light to make a cup of coffee,

take a shower and eat in front of the window.

The words in those books are so potent

and languid and honest -- nothing like

what she sees day to day. Oh, occasionally

a spark will lift from the dirt, its reflection

wet, its sentience unmistakable. But often

she just wants to leave these woods, this rain,

this pollen everywhere. Does pollen sleep?

Does it warm at touch? In those books the pollen

bursts flowers along every walk, every line,

every word.

 

She daydreams about paintbrushes. Clumped-in yellow

and orange and gold. The water sipping at the bristles.

It grows cloudy, flowery. She shuts the blind and sits straight

in her chair. Her cup is empty and she holds it like a bowl

in her hands.

 

She really should lay out some newspapers and restain

that one chair on the porch. It's warped from the rain,

from when she kept it outside for a week. It's sturdy

and strong but bowing slightly. Feeling the bowl of the cup,

closing her eyes, she imagines herself in that chair.

Singing to herself like a lover, the job pretend-completed,

she pictures paintbrushes above her

writing the cursive swirls of her story in the sky.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/4/2007:

"wesman" of the Automatic Stinging Machines checks in regarding ASM's feature in Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section:

> awesome! thanks

> -w

All of these bands give us comments like this after "Entertain Yourself" sections.

Sweet, positive, to-the-point.

If only more chicks were like "Entertain Yourself" bands...

***

Hey--check out February's "Stand-Up Poem of the Month" (see "Sloop Central" on the site)! It's Super Bowl-related, ya' bastards!

***

Daily Limerick is quoted in the magazine Time Out Chicago (2/1/07 edition)! Just a Limerick (guess the nude photo shoot didn't make the cut) but... Why? Good question... Oh, regarding its public service of drawing the Chicago Bears' lack of cheerleaders into public scrutiny! (See below.) Pick up a copy or see it on the site until the new edition's posted: http://www.timeout.com/chicago/Details.do?page=1&xyurl=xyl://TOCWebArticles2/101/out_there/rah_deal.xml

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS FOR THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2007:

Super Bowl momentum does teeter--

one little thing off, and it peters.

Thus Virginia's frost

was reason we lost--

the "oomph" that we needed? Cheerleaders!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2007:

So, a hoosier steals a limited edition, Alfred E. Nueman tie, among other offenses, a Chief Limericist declares the Super Bowl personal and... We learn, once again, that in the real world, crime DOES pay and nice guys finish last.

(Sigh)...

Don't you love how all the anti-Super Bowl folks and pundits loved talking and/or writing about how they weren't gonna watch? You know, how they were so unaffected that they didn't even THINK about it...er, that they'd never wasted time and space TALKING or WRITING about it...er that... The bunch of bitter poopy-pantses...

"Home Section" headline:

"Is Your House Making You Fat? How You Decorate Can Encourage Overeating"

Just when you thought our society was running out of outside sources of blame...

The City of Chicago actually paid someone to release a Super Bowl statement saying, among other things:

"It will be dangerously cold. If you do not have to go outside, we are recommending people stay indoors."

So we officially have a society that doesn't know enough to come in out of the cold.

Then again, it could be worse. If the weather got like this in San Francisco, it'd be AGAINST THE LAW to go outside now--hell, when you came inside, letting in a cold blast, they'd nail you for "secondhand cold"...

Etiquette question, in case the new Ms. Manners is a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper:

Is it wrong to, er, sport lumber while dancing a polka? With a really breathtaking young lady, of course? Just minor wood--quarter-gainer or so? When it's been...months, we'll say, and leave it at that?

Of course, etiquette doesn't have much chance against nature, but nonetheless...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 2/5/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Low Carb Haiku

 

My psychiatrist

Went on the Adkins diet

How my shrink has shrunk!

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

Daily Limerick is quoted in the magazine Time Out Chicago (2/1/07 edition)! Just a Limerick (guess the nude photo shoot didn't make the cut) but... Why? Good question... Oh, regarding its public service of drawing the Chicago Bears' lack of cheerleaders into public scrutiny! (See below.) Pick up a copy or see it on the site until the new edition's posted: http://www.timeout.com/chicago/Details.do?page=1&xyurl=xyl://TOCWebArticles2/101/out_there/rah_deal.xml

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS--THE LACK OF CHEERLEADERS IS WHY WE LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2007:

Pundit chicks, goin' by the book,

say Tyra bashing should get hook

o'er weight--we'd agree

'cept as "model," see,

her fame's ONLY based on her looks!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2007:

Seems everybody's saying that Sen. Joe Biden really screwed up his chances of winning the Democratic Party nomination when he recently made comments about Sen. Barack Obama being "the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy."

They couldn't be more wrong.

Sen. Joe Biden has had no chance in hell of winning the Democratic nomination since Hillary threw her hat in the ring and Obama announced his "exploratory committee"...

Grenada's national Royal Grenada Police Band, at a ceremony to mark the inauguration of a China-financed stadium, accidentally played the national anthem of...Taiwan!

Who's to blame here--and just who does he think he is fucking up so royally? Joe Biden?

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/6/2007:

From tyrabanks@studiofanmail.com, responding to our "heads-up" that Ms. Tyra Banks has been "featured" as of late in Daily Limerick:

> Thank you for writing to Tyra Banks.

> Tyra appreciates your letters and has

> arranged to send you a free autographed

> photo as a special thank-you gift.

Wow.

(Sorry, it's too easy for us to pass up:)

We hope it's a photo of her BEFORE the extra 35 pounds!

***

Daily Limerick is quoted in the magazine Time Out Chicago (2/1/07 edition)! Just a Limerick (guess the nude photo shoot didn't make the cut) but... Why? Good question... Oh, regarding its public service of drawing the Chicago Bears' lack of cheerleaders into public scrutiny! (See below.) Pick up a copy or see it on the site until the new edition's posted: http://www.timeout.com/chicago/Details.do?page=1&xyurl=xyl://TOCWebArticles2/101/out_there/rah_deal.xml

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS--THE LACK OF CHEERLEADERS IS WHY WE LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2007:

In Midwest, when weather's this bold,

spotlights how we have to be told

as society

by city mouthpiece

that we must come out of the cold!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2007:

HTML headline in the e-newsletter Arts Journal:

"Should Internet Video Play By Same Rule as Broadcast?"

No.

Actually, we'd like to fine-tune our position on that:

Fuck no.

In fact, BROADCAST shouldn't play by the same rules as broadcast, although we here in the U.S. have Free Speech Retardation, despite inventing it...

"Why It Can Be Good to Not Blog for a while"

If you haven't taken a spin around the Blogosphere, go ahead--and see why that one's the understatement of the nubile century...

But, although we're ashamed to call ourselves by the "B Word" while admitting that, well, we technically are one...we ain't shuttin' up...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/7/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: In Defense of Sugar Cereals

Unless you have pooping problems, there's no need whatsoever to buy and/or eat "healthy" cereals.

Picked up some new "Bamm-Bamm Berry" Fruity Pebbles the other day and guess what? Ten vitamins and minerals! That's almost TOO good for you--so consider a marshmallow-laden option to take the healthy edge off, while you're in that grocery aisle.

And the sugar? Rinses out when you eat it with milk, as God intended it, so we'll have no harpin' about the cavity thing. Oh, there's the calorie issue, but... Can't help you there.

So screw your damn "Buckets o' Brain" or "Granola Gobs." Sugar up in your breakfast nook!

***

Daily Limerick is quoted in the magazine Time Out Chicago (2/1/07 edition)! Just a Limerick (guess the nude photo shoot didn't make the cut) but... Why? Good question... Oh, regarding its public service of drawing the Chicago Bears' lack of cheerleaders into public scrutiny! (See below.) Pick up a copy or see it on the site until the new edition's posted: http://www.timeout.com/chicago/Details.do?page=1&xyurl=xyl://TOCWebArticles2/101/out_there/rah_deal.xml

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS--THE LACK OF CHEERLEADERS IS WHY WE LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2007:

When one commits a P.C. crime--

and one so dumb-assed, it's sublime--

and enters a race

with no chance to place

let's now call it, "Biden one's time"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2007:

Headline:

"Snickers Pulls Plug on Homophobic Ad"

We're sure you saw it--a guy can't resist the Snickers, chomps down on the other end a bar in another guy's mouth, their lips eventually touch, compelled "manly" stunts follow.

So... Now it's "homophobic" to not want to kiss a guy?

In any event, it should've been pulled--for being hella-lame...

The NBA is planning its All-Star Game in Las Vegas. Festivities planned even include Wayne Newton.

Just what they need to clean up the league's image. All-Star Game in Sin City...

Headline:

"Advice for Speed-Daters: Be a Little Picky"

Seems like sound advice. For starters, don't go for anybody DESPERATE ENOUGH TO ATTEND A SPEED-DATING EVENT...

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS--THE LACK OF CHEERLEADERS IS WHY WE LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2007:

The NBA's image ain't pretty--

in fact, seems thug-ridden and shitty!

But some exec's lame

plan for All-Star Game

thought to hold it off in... Sin City?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2007:

So... How 'bout that astronaut, Linda Novak? Stalkin' a fellow astronaut, allegedly plotting to murder yet another astronaut, love triangle involvement despite being married with spawn.... Golly.

Some are now getting' all activist, claiming that NASA should have better psychological screening for employees.

We think not. What better place to send raving nutballs than outer space!...

(Although, of course, that may cause some drainage in the Chief Limericist's dating pool, of course)...

The Poetry Center of Chicago, that bastion of...oh, we won't go there...anyway, it's holding an event called, "No Love for Love: the Anti-Valentine's day Show."

On February 12.

Not on Valentine's Day.

For those who want to...eat their cake and pretend they're not eatin' it, too, or...whatever...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/9/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jeff Daschbach

Jeff's an acoustic performer extraordinaire. And you can tell by lookin' at him, if you know what to look for.

Helpful hint from "Entertain Yourself": A serious acoustic guitarist has long-ass fingernails. The better to pick with, you know. Now, if you meet a guy with long-ass fingernails, you may wanna make sure he's indeed a guitarist. Otherwise, he's some freak. Not that I should talk but... There are bad freaks and good freaks. I, of course, being among the latter.

But I digress.

All the better to take attention away from the fact that I'm the World's Worst Music Critic.

He has original music that has a way of rockin', which is no easy feat for an acoustic guitarist as many of them come cross as background and/or bullfighting music.

But Jeff doesn't.

You might call him "Flyin' Fingers." Not that anybody else does. But you might.

Anyway:

http://www.jeffdaschbach.com

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS--THE LACK OF CHEERLEADERS IS WHY WE LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2007:

At picnic, a couple, by ocean,

played footsie with furious motion.

But her footsie slipped;

his groin softly clipped;

making a most cur'yous foot lotion.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2007:

...Ohh... Ooooo... Ahem.

Not a lot of sleep the night before. Hard to come up with the foison for a good news nugget.

Not that the writing of today's Extra Cheezy Saturday's edition in any way enacts the cheap ploy of relying on our "Vocabulary Builder," new-dictionary-world-a-day desk calendar to toss out a seeming intellectualism so Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers might not notice our dereliction of duty.

No, not at all. Just hard to muster the foison...

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS--THE LACK OF CHEERLEADERS IS WHY WE LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2007:

That Super Bowl Snickers ad? My!

'S'been pulled--"homophobic!" folks cried.

So now PC code

calls guys "homophobes"

if they do shun kissing a guy?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2007:

After you've read today's Limerick, think about the fact that Amelie Gillette's "The Hater" column, which runs in the Onion, has declared that "'PC' doesn't exist anymore."

(She's not the only one to express such sentiment, so we don't mean to single her out, exactly--although the column DOES operate on making fun of society's wallowing in lame pop culture while wallowing in that culture itself--and, of course, we don't like bashing anything in the Onion, one of the finest publications in circulation today, but... Well, we wanted to use SOME example.)

Perhaps the term "PC," and related ones like "un-PC" and "politically incorrect," are overused.

But the general idea of "political correctness" WASN'T invented in the '90s. And, unfortunately, it will NEVER go away.

And so there must always be outlets like Daily Limerick!

Hmm. This nugget seems a little self-celebratory, don't it?

Okay then: Our Chief Limericist will be painting his nuts for Valentine's Day.

He'll be using one of those Easter egg coloring kits, with the little dunker tool and... No, he's not sure who's gonna see his delightfully colored nuts, one bright red, one pastel pink, but don't say we're didn't toss out VD tips like all the other pubs...

The Chinese government, in preparation for being on Best Olympics Behavior, has announced that it will be leveling fines against anybody caught...spitting?

As Big City alderman across the U.S. lick their lips, smile--and even sport a little wood just thinking about it...

Headline:

"White House Defends Pelosi"

What? Who? When... Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?... Judgment Day?... Oh!

Bush is defending her use of an Air Force plane!

See? There's strong bipartisan cooperation on certain issues, if you keep your eyes open...

The recent madcap adventures of the Rev. Ted Haggard guy--now  new and improved: 100 percent not gay!--are actually strengthening some whacktoast conservatives nonsensical attitudes that "our culture and the Gay Agenda promote homosexuality."

You'd think that a guy like Haggard, a reverend and all, holding hands with God, would be able to resist this cultural lure of gaiety.

Funny, WE'RE not fighting off any urges to score some meth and enlist the services of a swarthy male masseuse/prostitute.

Hmm...

Quote from a column by Debra Pickett of the Chicago Sun-Times (and one of the better mainstream columnists, at that):

"Of all the astronauts who could have gone completely nuts, why, why, why did it have to be one of the women?"

Well... Hmm.

We ain't gonna touch this one at this time...

Black comedian Paul Mooney declared he'd stop using the "N-word" after the Michael Richards Incident, jumping on that bandwagon of the moment arguing that even blacks shouldn't use the word anymore.

Now, he's tossing it out in performances, interviews, etc.

But not as much as before, he says.

You know... Aw, we're not touching this one, either...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/11/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate--Epilogue

Around the Christmas following The Derelict's move-out, the Santa in me thought about giving a call to The Derelict in his halfway house. Saying hello, letting him know that all was forgiven, wishing him "Merry!" as part of the Good Will Toward Men thing, giving a beaten man a little pick-me-up by letting him know he still had a "normal" friend (even if being a "friend" meant little more than calling him for Christmas).

I didn't call him.

At the risk of sounding like a character in the final scene of some '80s, made-for-TV movie, I learned something from the experience.

While The Derelict has a serious mental disorder, and for that deserves pity and acceptance as a fellow human being... Well, you can be disabled and/or a victim and STILL be an asshole. And while one shouldn't look down on someone for being disabled, I feel perfectly comfortable in my right to look down on him as an asshole.

It's not a personal thing. While a part of me wants to hate him for trying to pull the wool over my eyes about his general competence as a human, for his lying about most everything... That's not it. Why, if I were a derelict, I would probably hornshwagle and bamboozle my way into a whirl at freedom.

I wouldn't consider myself above the other derelicts--ordering them around and having them do all the work for my moves and such (especially considering that The Derelict was in better physical shape than the other derelicts he enlisted). I wouldn't boast about leaving the rest of my derelict pals behind and moving out of the halfway house.

Little story: Soon after TD moved in, we were talking about the neighborhood. I mentioned, in a humorous manner, that a lot of gays lived and mixed in the area. He said, "Oh, I don't mind them. What I DON'T like is the jigaboos."

This from a guy who enlisted a fellow derelict who happened to be black into doing more than half of the labor for his moves. And that black "friend" of his? Seemed to be a legitimately nice guy. The type of disabled guy for whom I WOULD feel an obligation to treat as an equal.

I had a hard time liking The Derelict after that. And a hard time feeling sorry for him, too.

During one of his final, mini-moveouts, the first one when he moved in slow motion, he turned to me and said, "You really fucked me over, calling 9-1-1 on me."

Not, "You may have saved my overdose-cliffhanging life." No.

Nonetheless, the image is burned into the back of my brain of The Derelict, at the height of his extra-bad-medications/no-good-medications, schizo binge, hugging the vacuum cleaner, sweating, eyes welled with moisture, clinging as if it were a cliff and he were hanging on for his very life.

THAT I could empathize with. The desire to hold onto something, anything, to keep me from the scary, real world; to avoid the obligation of jobs or payments or explaining myself to friends and family; to toss aside the oft burdensome considerations of logic and just hold tight to a Magic Vacuum Cleaner--take me away, Magic Vacuum Cleaner!

Sometimes, being "crazy" or "not crazy" is just the decisions we make as to whether or not we go with our instinct.

Because, derelict or not, we all feel the urge to say, "To hell with it!" and hug a vacuum cleaner.

COMING NEXT WEEK TO SUNDAY STORY TIME: The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate's finished, folks! Back to "regular" Sunday Story Time!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/11/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Self-cinema

 

As he turned his collar up and drew on his gloves,

he imagined he was a serious star. Opening

the door, "A Mark Cunningham Production of a

Mark Cunningham Film" flashed in front of him.

Taking a careful step into the new snow, he saw

the first actor listed, "Mark Cunningham,"

followed by his girlfriend's name,

then the title, which changed three times to arrive at

"A Day Out." It wasn't the best he could do, but he

was already onto other matters, pulling the camera back

for a wide shot. He was purposely out of center,

so that a dark tree off to the right

acted as a sympathetic visual anchor.

 

He imagined more names going by -- the barista

he usually talked to on Sundays, he only knew her

first name so he made up her surname; the neighbor

often out walking his dog; perhaps some of his friends

and family. He rounded out the cast by picturing familiar

faces he usually passed on his workweek commute,

making up their names and details as he went along.

 

Suddenly, it seemed to him, the names stopped.

He was standing with his hand against the door

to the corner store. He blinked, took a deep breath,

then pushed into the warm, familiar store.

The film was about to begin!

 

He wandered to the cold case and, with a small flourish,

selected a bottle of orange juice.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/11/2007:

Regarding our assertion yesterday  that outer space was a fine place to send nutty chicks, astronaut or otherwise, although it would cut down on our Chief Limericist's dating options:

> Great! I loved that...drainage to your dating pool. Great wording too.

Dating pools. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

You're either complaining that they need to be drained or bitchin' that they need some chlorine...

***

DAILY LIMERICK'S LATEST WACKY, PIE-IN-THE-SKY SCHEME:

BRING BACK THE HONEY BEARS--THE LACK OF CHEERLEADERS IS WHY WE LOST THE SUPER BOWL!

That's right, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Just why in the hell do the Chicago Bears NOT have cheerleaders?

We'll tell you why--Virginia McCaskey. So fire off an e-mail to the Bears' suits with the convenient link below! Tell 'em Daily Limerick sent ya'! And, oh, Virginia? You might even get LAID if you let the Honey Bears return! Sure, it'll be a dry hump, as that's the only way you CAN be humped, but... Ahem.

(Normally, we have standards here, and wouldn't take a cheap shot at Virginia like that. But my late, maternal grandfather, Henry Hopp, hated George Halas, so I'm just keeping up the family grudge. Plus, the McCaskeys are like...secondhand Halases, or something. Then there's that John Mark Karr-esque Michael McCasky and...enough!)

And if you're fans of some other, suck-ass football team and NOT the Bears... This tragedy goes far beyond Chicago with its sinister tentacles. All football fans have the inalienable right to see cheerleaders on BOTH sides of the field.

So sound off:

http://store.chicagobears.com/contact/

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2007:

The White House supports... Nance Pelosi?

(On use of Air Force plans, you know-sy.)

See, politicians

act bipartisan--

at least to have perks keep 'em cozy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2007:

And now it's time to play... "Typo...or Not?"--

Listing from last week's Nielsen ratings:

"Super Bowl Post-Gun Show"

With the Bears' Tank Johnson?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 2/12/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Cleansing Haiku

 

Preparation for

Colonoscopy will knock

The shit out of you

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2007:

Believing likes of Reverend Haggard,

who says, fighting gayness, just staggered,

happens to imply

that all guys like guys...

Guess for that craving, I'm a laggard.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2007:

Bombs the U.S. is accusing Iran of helping smuggle into Iraq are called, "Explosively Formed Penetrators."

He hee.

Wow.

Though experts say that it's only the Iranian masses, and not those in power, who're into Western culture, it sure seems like these bomb makers are giving a nod to Valentine's Day...

Headline:

"Man Shoots Snorkeler He Thought Was Rodent"

Hmm.

Now, we likely would've let this nugget go were it not for the fact that the guy who appeared to be a rodent--at least in the eyes of the gunner, who, surprise surprise, happened to be hopped up on both meth and marijuana--is named "John William Cheesman."

It'd be funny if it weren't so tragic.

Aw, hell. It's STILL funny! "Cheesman"? Mistaken for a rodent? C'mon!...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/13/2007:

> Subject: unsubscribe

The funny thing about this e-letter is that we can find no record of the person who sent it: She's not on the DL e-list, not in our address book and, in fact, we can find no record of EVER sending her ANY e-mail.

Daily Limerick: So darned offensive (and/or lame), it requires a pre-emptive strike to ensure you're NEVER on it's e-list!

We'll work on that slogan...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2007:

On Valentine's, question is begged:

What food to have--fondue, fruit, eggs?

Don't sweat what to eat--

give both you two treat

and partake of what's 'tween the legs!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2007:

So, we suppose, for St. Valentine's Day, we should say something about love and all that stuff.

Then again, there's the philosophy, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"...

Oh, just kidding.

We think...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/14/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's THAT Day Again, Huh?

We didn't have a topic penciled in for today's edition and then realized we had a cheap out with the St. Valentine's Day deal. Although... Well, we aren't even sure if we're all celebrating (the Chief Limericist is, for instance, "goin' down to the wire" with it, so to speak)--

But for today's edition, our advice is titular:

(He hee)

"Eat It."

We'll leave it at that...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2007:

So some guy, once in NBA,

has come out and said that he's gay.

But I'm not appalled--

grown men? Shorts 'n' balls?

(And bling's girlie crap, anyway.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2007:

That's right--and it's high time somebody came out and said it:

Bling, setting aside complaints about materialism and stuff, is the stuff of girlie men.

We can understand buying bling for a woman, to keep the Love Gravy Train on track and all but... "Oh, I just love your necklace; Where'd you get it; Did she finally propose" at center court? Can you dribble--or did you just get your freakin' nails done?...

Since we see far more snow plows out--making contract money, you know--on city streets than buses when the weather is cold, windy and snowy, we'd like to suggest the addition of snow plows to city buses, in northern cities, during winter months.

Yes, yes. This is just asking for it, especially given the driving skills of the typical city bus driver. But we're guessing that most would prefer the road accident route to freezing to death, given that foul weather puts urban public transportation on a unique More Lackadaisical Than a Holiday Schedule schedule...

It is said that, "Behind every great man is an even greater woman."

We beg to differ. Or at least to clarify:

Underneath every great man is a hot woman.

Or, well, perhaps ON TOP OF every great man is a hot woman.

Then again, sometimes, upon a great man is his own freakin' hand, what with all the less than great women giving him phone numbers but then not returning the call... Ahem.

But, truth be told, it's more like:

Behind every freakin' loser and/or asshole guy, is a really great woman...

In the winter months, a man can, figuratively and/or literally, freeze his nuts. But, ladies, there's good news:

Since, most of the time, a man is within a warm building and he steps into the wintry air suddenly, wintertime nuts are usually "flash frozen." And that, of course, locks the flavor in...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2007:

Though not new, it hangs on as trend

('ppose it's been all 'long, and won't end)

but, guys--baubles? Jewelry?

I'm sorry, but truly,

the "bling" concept's girlie, my friends.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2007:

From a news story:

"The Los Angeles Zoo paid $4,500 to an expert in the ancient Chinese art of feng shui to ensure three endangered golden monkeys on loan from China can have a strong life force."

Leave it to L.A. to up the ridiculosity on even monkey business...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/16/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Winter

No, we're not praising the season, you porcupine! (Although we keep reminding ourselves that we prefer THIS to 95 degrees plus.) It's a BAND! A group of musicians gathered for the purposes of creating aural art!

And, ho! Can they produce the aural art! Rockin', even borderline heavy metal-ish, yet dark. Power trio, too, baby! Oh so dark. And their music sounds like...well, it SOUNDS like "Winter," somehow.

Ahem.

Our notes on Winter are far from copious. But they're cool guys. The lead singer dude usually brings a hot dame out to see him.

Hmmm.

Well, let their Web site do the talkin' (although when I last checked, it got nothin'--although the address registers):

http://www.musicwinter.com

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/16/2007:

We had a letter today.

And the Chief Limericist accidentally killed it.

Just so you know...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2007:

The short order cook girl dressed sleazy;

affected an air light and breezy.

Just as I like eggs,

to get 'tween her legs

proved, in end, to be over-easy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2007:

So Chicago Cubs' pitcher Kerry Wood, a would-be star, were he not injured most of the time, injured himself...in a hot tub.

People are talking about this being the year to break the Cubs "curse," too.

Oh, there's all sorts of fun-making potential here, but what most caught our eye is the fact that Wood injured himself in climbing out of the hot tub.

Of all the ways to injure one's self in a hot tub, leave it to a Chicago Cub to actually accomplish it in a boring manner.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/17/2007:

Chief Limericist's  cousin, we think on the run...er, on vacation in Mexico, forwards this news item along:

> "Staffers for Rep. Keith Ellison tattled to Capitol Police that Rep. Tom

> Tancredo was smoking a cigar inside his congressional office."

>

> Sloop..................you know where this is headed.  Dam Dems want all are rights gone.

Well... In the interests of anti-partisanship, we'll argue that the Dems just want to take away DIFFERENT rights than the Republicans...but we otherwise agree.

This isn't at ALL like Prohibition. It's not as if our police forces will be tied-up enforcing victimless crimes against "morality" while real crimes go unsolved or anything. It's not as if it's a waste of time and effort that can, at best, only see selective enforcement. It's not as if this is another case of historical stupidity repeating itself, in a slightly reworked way.

No, not at all...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2007:

Now China, for its 'Lympic bit,

will crack down on people who...spit?

U.S. city council twots

sport wood at the mere thought--

could prove a Big Mother fit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2007:

A would-be airplane hijacker, Mohamed Abderraman, had his plan foiled when the captain announced a plan to pilot recklessly and thus topple the villain.

The captain, you see, related this plan to the passengers over the speakers in French--a language the fiend didn't know.

Most shocking about this story, however, is that Abderraman only wanted to hijack the plane for the purposes of diverting the flight to France.

How refreshingly old school!...

Now and then, DL/S&Y decides it simply must come forth and address an egregious civil rights offense--in this case, one of international importance.

22-year-old Thai actress/student Chotiros Suriyawong has been reprimanded and forced into community service for the "offense" of wearing a skimpy dress to the Golden Swan awards, Thailand's equivalent of the U.S. Oscars.

How can we sit idly by as hot young women are continually hassled for their attempts to show off their hot bods?

(Have you seen the pics? Hot damn tamale! Who the hell could protest THAT?)

Don't you ever say that Daily Limerick doesn't leap at the opportunity to defend women's rights...

Al Gore is now working on promoting "Live Earth," a multi-band, musical concert extravaganza.

We had to go and encourage him with that movie, didn't we?

Just who will Al be booking to capture that Gore essence in music?

Hmm.

We can't think of anybody but John Tesh...

Headline regarding Britney Spears' alleged attempt at alcohol dependence "treatment":

"Was It Drive-Through Rehab?"

Not a bad idea, really. The industry only exists to make billions, really, considering its "success" statistics--so you might as well at least get fries to show for it.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/18/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Marijuana Thesis

(The Tale of the Derelict Renter/Roommate's finished now, Slapper Grasshoppers. See the 'Chives, Sundays from Oct. 22, 2006 through last week)

In high school, I wrote a thesis on marijuana. Well researched and bearing a "pro legalization" conclusion, it actually proved popular among my piers, who took turns borrowing and reading it.

The choice of topics was semi-utilitarian. I actually researched marijuana, and other drugs, before trying pot. I decided against other drugs but did in fact give into peer pressure on occasion, dabbling with the chemical cornucopia but never doing much of anything besides the ganga.

Eventually, an Iranian exchange student named Beelo borrowed my thesis and lost it. The bastard. I like to keep copies of everything tangible I've written (although the old high school poetry folders are a bit frightening).

Who knows what became of it. But since it largely contradicts semi-accepted War on Drugs "science," I chalk it up as another reason I keep meaning to order my FBI file through the Freedom of Information Act...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/18/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Listening to Calexico

 

Those bright, quiet horns follow me

on my walk down to the bus. The slight

dusting of a drum, the cooing breath

in perfect pitch.

 

The song accelerates

without changing its tone. The color shifts

from gold to pink edged in orange. It matches

the smoke in the sky. Boxy firetrucks zoom past.

 

Their sirens scream. I don't really hear them.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/18/2007:

Here's how the subject read:

> STLtoday article: U. of Illinois bars Indian symbol from mcvikair@yahoo.com

First, I thought that this e-mailer had been barred from using an Indian symbol in his personal e-mail.

Actually, it's a story link that was forwarded to us and that's how the forward function auto-subjected it.

The story's about the University of Illinois being pressured into dropping its long-standing mascot, Chief Illiniwek, who wears traditional Illini Indian dress. The letter continues:

> Liberalism is on the move again.

While we'll admit that the mascot, whom we know a bit about (Chief Limericist attended U of I for a few semesters), is a bit creepy if only because it always happens to be a white guy--we also have to agree that this is not "Liberalism" at its finest. See there's ACTUAL "liberalism," a good thing (as is actual "conservatism")--and then there is POLITICAL "Liberalism," which is frightening.

Now, sure. This issue may be almost borderline. I'm not an American Indian and thus don't know how I'd feel about it. But not every Indian tribe is in agreement on the sports mascot issue.

And what's most frightening is: I thought the literal interpretation of that subject line COULD be true in this day and age.

There's also too little attention paid to the fact that, if you keep censoring portrayals in old cartoons and mascots, flawed as they are, children will grow up with all the fewer reminders of the once thriving Indian cultures.

And don't even TRY to tell us that you remember all the stuff pounded into your head through high school history...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2007:

Al Gore's flick took off--it did fly!

So now he'll give "Live Earth" a try.

Though luck at show biz-zy

beats pol career dizzy--

please, let's not encourage the guy!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2007:

Yesterday, our copy of "USA Weekend" (the anti-pithy supplement appearing, perhaps, in your Sunday newspaper, too) featured a pull-out poster of NASCAR drivers.

Synergy of the lowest common denominator...

Speaking of NASCAR, here's two headlines from our newspaper yesterday:

"Not Your Father's NASCAR"

Followed by another on modern-day school cafeteria's:

"Not Your Father's Lunch"

Can we PLEASE declared that phrase too cliche for any usage now?...

Oh, and here's more Fun with Headlines:

"Can Congress Regulate Violence on TV?"

Now, we have a hard time understanding where confusion like this arises. Let's take a look at the First Amendment, shall we?:

"Congress shall make no law"... That's enough.

"No" law.

What part of "no" don't politicians understand?

"No" means "no"--now quit date-raping our Constitution...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 2/19/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Screw You Haiku

 

A sexually

Dysfunctional couple

Loved making ninety-six

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/19/2007:

Concerning S&Y recently making the point that there is a difference between actual "liberalism" and political "Liberalism":

> Sorry John, I should have thought it trough a little more; "Secular

> Progressives" probably would have been a better term.

A little more insight into this manner is appropriate, so here's one definition, from the dictionary within our Microsoft World:

"liberal, adj. tolerant of different views and standards of behavior in others"

Apparently, such a political philosophy no longer exists...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2007:

In winter, nuts freeze in the wind--

but ladies, that still brings a win!

Fresh from inside, cozy'n,

to out, they're "FLASH frozen"--

and that does lock the flavor in!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2007:

A group of businessmen in Chihuahua, Mexico created a hunk of meat on a skewer large enough to serve 24,000 tacos.

See, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers? Fantasies can, and DO come true.

At least one subset of them, anyway...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2007:

It started when she was twice-wed--

segue to now, Brit Spears shaved her head.

Fantasy today

dreams she'll go away--

and no longer of her in bed.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2007:

What a coincidence! Today is not only Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday--but it's Ass Wednesday, too boot!

Coincidence or...destiny, Jenny?...

What? It's not "Ass" Wednesday? It's... Oh. In any event...

Isn't British royalty just white trash...thrown a bunch of money and bearing funny accents?

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/21/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Picky Eaters in the Bedroom

Now, we're not talking about pickiness regarding eating, well...THAT way in the bedroom. Or perhaps we are... Anyway:

We've found, through many years and semi-many partners, among our staff, that those who are picky eaters tend to be lousy in bed. "I don't like ham!"; "I won't eat meat if it's on a bone!"; "I don't like fish"--hear any of those terms and expect, for example, less than vigorous, "only-doing-it-because-I-feel-I-have-to-and-I-sure-as-hell-won't-after-marriage" oral sex.

Oh, our study is in no way scientific. You can't stereotype--there are bound to be exceptions to this, and any, rule. Blahda blahda blahda.

But don't say we didn't warn you.

Now, this rule only concerns true pickiness, as opposed to, oh...moral decisions? From experience, for instance, vegetarians can be Five Star Sex Generals. You can discern bedroom merits among them sometimes by statements like, "I really miss eating crab!"

And if you're thinkin' that our testosterone-laden staff only has experience in this matter concerning women in the rack... You'd be wrong. Some more examples? Knew one guy who was turned-off by cheeze or any dairy, preferred burgers and such completely plain, not liking ANY condiments... We could go on, but suffice it to say that he refused to give a lady oral. Another picky guy, after finding out about a potential mate's kinks, remarked, "That's nuts--there's no WAY I'm puttin' toes in my mouth!" (As, again, but one example.)

So there you have it. Those who bypass half the buffet do so on other levels, as well.

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2007:

The First Amendment reads, sans flaw,

on speech, "Congress shall make NO law."

So...rules on content?

"No"'s "NO," dames and gents--

quit date-raping Bill of Rights raw!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2007:

A National Institute of Health study finds that giving to charity stimulates the same part of the brain that tweaks sexual desire. Thus, giving to charity helps put one in the mood for some dirty.

Hmm. Sex...charity...sex and charity... Aha! Finally, an explanation for the women Justin Timberlake manages to boink!...

Good Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may recall S&Y's assertion, surrounding the Hillary vs. Obama hubbub, that this country may be ready to elect a black man...but not a woman.

(We reminded you that this country gave blacks the right to vote before women and... Hey! We're just messengers here! Not saying it's "right"--just what it is.)

According to a new Gallup Poll, five percent of Americans would not vote for a black candidate for president while 11 percent would not vote for a woman.

A lot of money, time and trouble could be saved if everybody followed Daily Limerick's teachings.

Then again... A lot of money, time and trouble would likely be generated, if everybody just followed Daily Limerick's teachings--the taint bruisin' alone would... Ahem...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/22/2007:

Regarding yesterday's edition, in which we talked about... Oh, the royal family and the sexuality of picky eaters and...oh, probably worked in some reference to our shlongs:

> I especially liked today's offerings as not only were they cogently (meaning

> tight and on mark) funny, occasionally to often true, but showed a writing

> skill that veered toward the literary. Being something of an elitist ...I love

> the artistic as it finds itself in word, be it fine or blunt. Ed

Now, wait a minute... Number One, we're not used to compliments, on any level really--and that makes us immediately suspicious.

Number Two... Elitist? Yet reading... Well, THIS?

Hmm. There apparently are some benefits to this Continually Lowering Common Denominator thing...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2007:

New study: Charity does wake

part of brain that spurs "on the make."

Fin'lly--could explain

the prime hot tail train

fell into by J. Timberlake!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2007:

With us in the Northern Hemisphere being along the border of seasons and spring now less than a month away, with each day bringing the prospect of weather seemingly either winter- or summer-like, it is our duty as a publication and member of the Fourth Estate to warn our readers of the possibility of upcoming weather-related dangers:

Skirts and springtime clothing are already making an occasional showing, so we must upgrade from a Lumber Watch to a Lumber Warning.

Don't look down in public unless you absolutely have to...

(Speaking for ourselves, anyway)...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 2/23/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rebel Rouser

What a band!

As usual--Worst Music Critic in the Universe, checking in here--I don't remember and/or am unable to properly relate their musical stylings. Rockin', with an original twist, and delightful, of course--otherwise I wouldn't have jotted them down as an "Entertain Yourself" pick.

I do well recall, however, that Rebel Rouser brought out a copious, pulchritudinous, nubile crop of chick fans, the likes of which a local performer is blessed to see a mere handful of times in his life.

Or perhaps I exaggerate.

But... Weeeeeeeelllllll Doggies!

Ahem.

They also happened to bring out my own personal Annabel Lee. Who, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may ask? Well... Actually, that's a better idea for the coming Sunday Story Time--so look for it.

I also happened to see/emcee with them for their very first show. So I'm expecting big things from Rebel Rouser:

Er... The link is...not what we thought it was. We'll throw it in Sloop's Glantamerous Links when we've figured it out, and let you know, ya' mealy-mouthed ass bastards...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2007:

A girl snacked on a paczki donut.

One bite, and the jelly did flow. What

a sight, as she licked it!

An onlooker's dick lit

up and he quite nearly did blow nut!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2007:

Entered a public restroom on a train the other day and could almost cut the pungent odor with a spork.

Except it wasn't what you might expect. It was the olfactory essence of...bananas.

Sure, it could've been a helluva lot worse. But nonetheless alarmingly disturbing.

Did somebody... Oh, don't really want to think too hard on this one...

CORRECTION: In yesterday's e-mail edition of Daily Limerick, the "Entertain Yourself" section contained a bogus link to the band Rebel Rouser.

We do not have the correct link yet. But will let you know.

So I guess this really isn't a "correction," but it makes us sound better than, "FUCK-UP"...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2007:

Some chicks now get dressed in the morning

and so wish that spring would be born-ing

they dress spring--unjaded!

And thus I'm upgraded

from "lumber watch" to "lumber warning."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2007:

Wow!

Last night's "Saturday Night Live" opening bit made jokes about the Anna Nicole Smith saga and Britney Spears!

We're evidently missing the memos on what we're to be jesting and japing about...

From our newspaper:

"The Illinois House passed a proposal from state Rep. Mary Flowers (D-Chicago) that would require CPS [Chicago Public Schools] students to wash their hands with antiseptic before meals at school."

But, of course, Daily Limerick's been overreacting to New Liberalism lately in declaring a Big Mother movement afoot...

And, really, can we possibly, ever thank you anti-"secondhand smoke" do-gooder, uppity, elitist monkey-felching activists enough for what you've set in motion?...

Oh, and wanna tell Rep. Flowers what you think of her legislative proposal?:

Well, the Big Mother fascist doesn't list an e-mail, but you can call her at: 773-471-5200.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 2/25/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Annabel Lee

Her name is... Well, I probably shouldn't say because, unlike Poe's Annabel Lee, she's still alive. So her name's Annabel Lee, okay?

While I've dubbed her titularly (he hee) for the Poe verse, the situation is not as dire as the namesake's. No death occurred... Although, actually, that could've been the case with Poe's work as well, depending on whom the original referred to.

Operative point being that Annabel Lee "lived with no other thought/ Than to love and be loved by me" and that "we loved with a love that was more than love." Actually, my Annabel Lee probably did engage other thoughts and "love" was probably closer to "lust" but... Poetic license, okay? Sure, I'm engaging in a bit more than Poe, but mine's a derivative work, so I think playing the Art Card's especially in order here.

My Annabel Lee came to me as a coworker at a former place of employment. There was an immediate attraction--and that's an understatement of grand proportions. I was attracted to her with a rare fever of lust. She had a combination of body type and personality and just...oh, just a way about her--her actions, her words, her habits... A personalized lust, of sorts, grew in me, in that, while most other guys would certainly find her hot, few would find her soul-scorchingly hot in the way I did.

My Annabel Lee fit my receptors of female attractiveness in a few-times-in-a-lifetime kinda way, as least as it concerns girls who enter your life. All the more tragic is the fact that I've NEVER dated or fooled around with one who charged me so.

(Despite how that may read, that situation is not anything dire or abnormal--many of us have a vague "type" to those we're sexually attracted to, but we end up dating and even marrying outside of that type. It's not as if a man can only be attracted to a specific type of woman--generally, anyway--and, as with many factors behind initial attraction, many more particulars grow in importance as a relationship progresses. Thus many may effectively have "Annabel Lees"--partners who best dwell in fantasy, as finding workable love is a near-Sisyphusian exercise in satisfying the majority of compatibility facets making up a relationship as it is, without further complicating the matter with more facets arguably dubbed "superficial.")

In a manner I hadn't experienced since mid-hormone fest, pre-laid junior high/early high school, I, er... "thought" about My Annabel Lee almost nightly. And sometimes first thing in the morning or on a bathroom break, of sorts.

It is important, however, to note that my Annabel Lee came to me while I was married. It was toward the end of my marriage and the marriage was rather crappy by that point--although I was also not at a point to fully admit that situation to myself. But my Annabel Lee was in a relationship that had went on just as long as mine and she even said, in talking relationships one day, that "it's a LONG time to be in a relationship, isn't it?"

My Annabel Lee was, in case you haven't figured it out, rather flirtatious toward me. Oh, she didn't grab my loins or anything, but even as a major putz when it comes to interpreting feminine attentions, I had a strong inkling that, had I pursued it, I could've...made love to my Annabel Lee. ("Made love"? Don't worry Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--just trying to stay in poetic tone, channeling Poe, after all, and not Buddy Hackett.)

So, while a kinsman did not "shut her up in a sepulchre by the sea" as was Poe's, my Annabel Lee was beyond my reach thanks to the stone walls of my marriage, which was being slowly sealed in its own sepulchre.

When we officially threw in the towel on the marriage... As you may guess, I contacted my Annabel Lee. To no avail. (Which you also may have guessed--otherwise I wouldn't be dubbing her "Annabel Lee.") Months later I did, as well. Hell, I tried as recently as a couple months ago, although now I think I'm done with it.

I've seen her since--once. She came to see one of the bands in a show I emceed, at a venue in her neighborhood. She knew all along I hosted such shows, I wear a hat that isn't exactly standard hipster accoutrement and... Well, for many reasons, I'm entirely sure that she knew me when she saw me.

But not a word was exchanged. Hardly a glance exchanged--at least not with accompanying, acknowledging eye contact.

Although a part of me wishes I would've seen the dying throes of my marriage more clearly and I would have...er, made love to my Annabel Lee--nine ways 'til freakin' Sunday, in fact--well... I really don't wish that. If I had it all to do over again, I'd do the same damn thing. I'm not the type to cheat, especially in a marriage.

But bypassing the all too brief window of opportunity for some form of "love" with my Annabel Lee was the wind from the cloud that sent my Annabel Lee, so to speak, to the sepulchre.

But the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 2/25/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: My final poem

 

It will probably be a lot like this one.

Too small to move anybody from their chairs,

but large enough to hold me, before letting go.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at

. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/25/2007:

First came some links:

> Company Offers to Offset 'Your Cat's Flatulent Contribution to Global Warming'

> for $6

> <http://quote.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20670001&amp;refer=columnist_mukherjee&amp;sid=a6JuMPizIG6o>

>

> 'Global Warming Worries Keeps Children Awake At Night'...

> <http://www.gm.tv/index.cfm?articleid=24717>

Then, some commentary on said links:

> This Global warming stuff is getting a little crazy. When we were in school,

> teachers said it was a normal process of the earth to heat up and go into ice

> ages and that we were in a warming period now. Now it the cats, cows, cigars,

> and anything else they wish to say.

Hmmm... We at DL/S&Y have little doubt that humanity is messing up the environment, and that it can't hurt to take steps to improve our relationship with nature...yet, in the interests of wishy-washiness, are also certain that humanity is keeping with its inability to be moderate on anything, including global warming, and unnecessarily freaking out on an issue yet again but... Most importantly:

Shhh! Don't be giving Big City politicians any more ideas--you might have already started a San Francisco pol drafting a law about cigars and secondhand global warming!

And then there was this subject:

> Girl Scouts Cut Trans Fats From Cookies

There was forwarding, again (which we'll omit) and the following commentary:

> Thank God! Now their will be no more fat chicks.

Hmm.

You know... Hmm.

We'll leave it at that.

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2007:

To counter the winter snow musses

they should put plows on city buses.

The drivers already

can't drive straight and steady--

make that one of rare pub trans pluses!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2007:

Headlines sharing the same newspaper page:

"Va. Lawmakers Apologize for Slavery"

and

"Conference Fights Use of N-Word"

So.

We're pretty much JUST focusing now on semantics, huh?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 2/26/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Location Haiku

 

Better To be called

Over the hill, than to be

Found underneath it

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/26/2007:

> SUBJECT: Re: blog syndication post at JournalismJobs.com

>

> I'm sorry, but I can't think of any place in our feed where we might be able to

> use limericks.  Our subscribers are looking for informational and authoritative

> blog entries.  Also, we don't allow any "mature" language. ;)

>

> Regards,

> Nancy

Well.

You can't say we've sold out, we suppose...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2007:

'Mid "N-Word" discussions pedantic

Illiniwek's dance deemed too frantic.

Is problem of race

in a better place?...

Don't know, but we're on the semantics!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2007:

According to Dr. Sara Mednick, a researcher at the Salk Institute at the University of California, San Diego, not only would workers benefit from a workday nap but that companies should REQUIRE it.

In case your wondering, post-anti-smoking and anti-trans fat successes, where the Big Mother government movement may be heading...

With mayoral/aldermanic and other assorted elections coming tomorrow, Chicago Board of Election Commissioners are freaking out that many registered voters have not received notice of their polling places and are going out of their way to offer help to voters in finding them.

We're skipping the obvious cracks about people all over the world literally dying to vote while Americans view it as a chore, if that. (Although I guess we actually DID sneak in such an obvious crack.)

More importantly, this is more proof that the "make it easier to vote" crowd needs a new hobby.

If you can't make a call or Internet search or pick up a newspaper to find your polling place--which is usually the same venue it was last time around--we're fine with you not voting. Wee encourage you to stay out of the electoral process, actually.

In fact, judging by the folks we tend to elect (and keep in office) in the U.S., perhaps we should be brainstorming ways to discourage even more morons and lazy bastards to stay away from the polls...

Headline from Chicago Tribune e-mail update:

"Women a Mystery to Sex Scientists"

Hmmph.

So why SHOULD it be any different for you eggheads?...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2007:

The new expert "study" folks rap

says we should all take workday naps.

Oh, sure--that's just swell!

Will go o'er as well

as an intern sprawled 'cross my lap!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2007:

We're just beginning preparations for... The DLy's!

The DLy's--where we'll spend an entire edition congratulating ourselves and talking about ourselves and acting like we're better than everybody else!

What's more, we'll plan the event for next February, but real soon we'll start blathering them up. For example: "That was one hell of an entry March 12--it's already getting DLy buzz!" And we'll blather about them all year, but by mid-January, that's pretty much all we'll talk about!

The week of the DLy's? Forget about any other news.

So what if we have a monopoly on this forum year-round--we'll self-celebrate even more than usual one day and YOU will buy into it! Advertisers and the media will all accept the DLy's credibility at face value and... Hmm.

Don't think it'll fly, huh?

Well, then just how do they pull it off with the Academy Awards every year?...

Since yesterday brought a mayoral/aldermanic/county-wide election to Chicago, we discovered a new voters' tip:

We were in the polling booth and noted that three people were running for a certain office--and we had no idea whom to vote for.

Now, this kinda thing happens, even among those of us who do the daily newspaper grind and such. Some use it as an excuse not to vote...but if you otherwise generally keep up with things, it's best to vote on the offices you know little about, if for no other reason than sending a message to politicians that some of us ARE paying attention AND voting. (To bipartisan dismay.)

Anyway, when in the booth under such circumstances, ask yourself, "Did any of these candidates bother me with an annoying message on my answering machine/voicemail?"

If so, you've eliminated one candidate out of the three--and voiced your opinion on an unexpected matter!...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 2/28/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: KFC--Bring Back Chicken Little!

KFC, when it went by Kentucky Fried Chicken--before it was trying to be all instant-message cool (or whatever reason its zillion dollar consultants gave for going with the acronym)--once sold "Chicken Littles."

Delightful chicken sandwiches of a White Castle hamburger-esque size... They were under 50 cents a pop but were scrumptious as all hell.

Now they have these "Snackers," but the chicken ones run $2.99 or so and they're chicken strips stuffed uncomfortably on a big bun.

Chicken Littles had just the right ratio--bun to chicken, mayo to lettuce, etc. They bridged the missing link between snack and meal. They may have even incited world peace, had you given them a chance.

So bring 'em back, ya' bastards! And while we're at it, how 'bout a big PR campaign, with photos of an extended middle finger and a caption: "Yo! PETA!"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/28/2007:

> From: "Nastena" <gregory@adkfamilybusiness.com>

> Date: Tue, 2