Daily Limerick
Archives: July 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2007:

Now Germany's rage is unfettered

o'er actor play'n hero, go-getter.

Tom Cruise? Don't like pick.

Hatred of the prick--

rare force bringing nations together!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2007:

Eleven days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

A bust of online child predators went hopelessly awry in Murphy, Texas--with a suspect committing suicide, a city manager losing his job and no resultant prosecutions thanks that a tangled web of technicalities.

Strangely enough, that "America saving" segment of "Dateline," "To Catch a Predator," was involved...

So Leonardo DiCaprio is embarking on a project enlisting hip-hoppers and all that jazz to promote "green living" in our nation's inner cities.

Because, of course, the operative question on every inner-city mother's mind, between her kids being shot at and the scarcity of possible jobs and all, is "Where can I recycle?"...

Who-hoo!

The popular '80s musical sensation Asia is embarking on a 25th Anniversary tour!

Party!...

Ahem. That last nugget was a joke.

No offense to Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers who are truly into Asia or anything.

What the hell connection do they have to the continent of Asia, anyway?...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/1/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Who Killed Mr. Hammond?

In June, Sunday Story Time talked about some cassette tape audio drama/comedies I recorded with a friend as an adolescent and near-adolescent. Even with time having passed, those efforts strike me as entertaining--and I wish I still had copies of them.

Today, I'm going to talk about some even earlier efforts which, even with time having passed...are spotty, at best. But I DO have copies, of some offerings, anyway.

Some neighborhood kids and I eventually gravitated toward making audio episodes of shows we liked. For instance, I wrote a script for each typical cartoon showing within a "Mighty Mouse/Heckyl & Jeckyl Show," another kid wrote a "Dukes of Hazzard."

Yet we did produce some original fare. The kid on the corner penned a mess called, "John's Trip," which entailed a three day airplane ride across country, somehow.

My major effort was "Who Killed Mr. Hammond," a traditional whodunit mystery, complete with a butler and a murder occurring in a home at a social gathering, thus assuring the murderer to be "among us," as they say. The cast of actors included me, my sister and some neighborhood kids.

I put a lot into writing it. There was a red herring and a tough-to-finger killer, although it was altogether possible for a listener to solve when the tape instructed you to hit "pause," make a guess, and then resume listening as the detective announced the murderer.

I remember the giddy anticipation as we played the tape for The Adults, hit pause and waited to hear if they'd solve the murder correctly. After a seemingly endless segue of silence, their unanimous answer was... "Huh?"

Perhaps I should say that it was altogether possible for a READER to figure it out. The adults couldn't tell what the hell was going on. Which character was which. What the hell happened in the handful of scenes.

So the answer to the question on everybody's minds, "Who Killed Mr. Hammond?" was... "Who killed WHOM? Somebody was killed? What?"...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/1/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: A lot of froth

 

She closes the door, barely holding

the big bouquet just delivered. It's heavy.

Made to resemble a deep red strawberry margarita,

 

complete with glass, and for some reason,

a lot of froth. It must have cost him 70 dollars

at least. She is more annoyed

 

than touched. It reminds her

of their tenuous situation. This gift

is awkward. Uncalled for and

 

cumbersome. It makes her think

of the difference, the first days, when

they trailed sweet love notes everywhere,

 

when the phone burned with his voice, when

sharing books eagerly turned to sex. Now this

stilted, formal language that tears down

 

their communiques. Drained of playfulness,

brimming with hurt and cold simplicity.

She plops the monstrosity down on the table

 

and heads outside

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2007:

That "Dateline" bit, "To Catch a Predator,"

let Texas suspects loose, unfettered, fer

technicalities--

such things should not be

dealt with by reporters and editors!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2007:

Ten days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

Drinking game for you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

Follow me through a grocery store run when I'm in a hurry. Whenever, for whatever reason--from chowderheads blocking an entire aisle to lollygaggers on phones oblivious to the fact that they're in my way--I mutter, "Oh, for Chrissakes," well, drink.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/2/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: English Syntax Haiku

 

If the plural of

Tooth is teeth, is the plural

Of tollbooth tollbeeth?

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2007:

So Leo DiCaprio's deemed

his goal: Teach inner city "green."

'Mid poverty, joblessness,

Leo feels, 'spite the stress,

"green" is top goal of that scene!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2007:

Nine days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers have undoubtedly noticed... Ahem. Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noticed, but may have not, considering they're Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers and all, that S&Y has been a bit...paltry, as of late.

This is because things have been a bit stressful on my end. (Chief Limericist, checked-in. Here.) Job-related stress. Suffice it to say that, as of today, I'm back to freelance full-time for income, which carries its own flavor of stress, albeit a much more hopeful one than the previous situation.

As you should know, I avoid the blog stereotype of dwelling in personal stuff where I can, especially in a case like this, where the story isn't too exciting to outsiders and thus no good excuse for whippin' out the S&Y Psychiatric Couch.

But we'll be crawling back to the same old Thinking Man's Stupidity you've come to know and love. Or at least tolerate.

It's just that... When the going gets tough, some of the tough get...cheezy...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/3/2007:

> I was busy moving this weekend so I didn't catch your announcement until now.

> Congrats on leaving that job. What comes next?

So now that I've given the whole spiel, I'm supposed to answer the same question, essentially, from this ass clam?

It probably is a good question, though: What comes next? Should learn to think this Life thing through, I suppose...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2007:

Though penning Lim'ricks many mock,

this one-a-day can be tough--shocked?

Like any old writing--

when for ideas fighting,

though, we call the prob "writer's cock."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2007:

Eight days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

"Study: More than 30 percent of American adults have abused alcohol or suffered from alcoholism"

Keep telling yourself that all studies in the U.S. are completely objective and not funded by self-interested groups, as you contemplate this headline and the American Medical Association's discussion of excessive video game playing as "addiction"...

Happy Fourth of July, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers! And if you get carried away with the fireworks and something goes wrong... Big Rehab's probably working on your alibi as we speak!

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/4/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's the Fourth of July!

So, when presented with something, say, off the grill, and you're not quite sure just what it is... "Eat It!"

(This kind of advice is multi-purpose, too--and every bit as valid in non-food areas of life, including, say...dating!)

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2007:

It boldly announces it's there:

People mag's Paris Hilton fare.

To doubters, she claims

that she's really changed--

but won't answer, "Why should we care?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2007:

Seven days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

Headline:

"Gorilla Mom Focuses on Social Life, Neglects Baby"

Just who does this gorilla think she is? A human being?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2007:

New study designed to appall--

"one in three abuse alcohol"--

from, curiously,

Rehab Industry,

which seeks to rope-in one and all.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2007:

Six days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

So, folks are all shocked as hell that cell members behind the recent London/Glasgow terror plots are doctors, and not the stereotypical poor, disgruntled, uneducated whippersnappers.

Has anybody yet pointed out that...perhaps this is because, pre-9/11, the stereotypical ignoramus was necessary to blame Western civilization for all the Muslim world's problems--whereas the trumped-up Iraq war provides a legitimate basis for the intelligent to blame the U.S. for Muslim world instability?...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/6/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Ha!

"Entertain Yourself" is on vacation. Or something like it, anyway...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2007:

There once was a honkey named Davey

who screwed a black chick in the Navy--

quite used to black guys

she found him so dry

had to eat his white meat with gravy.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2007:

Five days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

So today we'll be treated to international performances by the likes of Lenny Kravits, Madonna and Al Gore, all in the name... Career Aid!...er, Career Earth... Make that Live Earth!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2007:

So many are scared and in shock

o'er Brit, Glasgow terror cell's docs.

It once was naive,

anti-U.S. griev-

ance but that was before Iraq!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2007:

Four days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

Word is that Angelina Jolie gave quite an impressive performance as, get this, an actress in the new movie, "A Mighty Heart."

Still, we caution her against quitting her day job, especially since it's brought her fame and fortune: Kid farming...

Matt Ringel, Commissioner of the World Series of Video Games, has a pet goal for the contest: changing the non-showering, slacker, socially retarded image of serious gamers.

Can't blame the guy. At 40-years-old, desperate measures are required in order to finally get laid...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/8/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: There's Always Next Week

Sunday Story Time has better things to do this week.

It will return to it's regularly scheduled hackery next week.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/8/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: To have made it

 

This poem is larger than me.

Layers in it live beyond my grasp.

When I have experienced enough to understand it

as intimately as bell tones, cups without handles,

reviewing my past through clearer lenses,

swimming up to touch shimmering faces,

I will be genuinely happy to lodge among its depths

and enormously sad.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2007:

Madonna, Len Kravitz did play

for Al Gore's "Live Earth" music day.

With that kind of roster

I think it should foster

a better name, like, "Career Aid."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2007:

Three days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

Today, the NAACP performs a ceremonial burial of "The N Word."

Celebrate! I had no idea, but apparently EVERY serious problem facing black America has been solved!...

An auxiliary site affiliated with MySpace is engaged in the airing of "minisodes." They're Cliff Notes-esque versions of TV shows clocking in at around 5 minutes each.

With that pesky "content" out of the way, we're but one step from creating the perfect, zombie consumer society!...

***

THE LAST SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 7/9/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Geographical Haiku

 

Are Maidenhead squares

Useful when looking for a

Gynecologist?

 

[This is apparently the last entry in this long-running feature. If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2007:

World Series of Video Games

commissioner's wanting to change

gamers' public image

so he'll get some trim-age

'cause, like the rest, his "life" is lame!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2007:

Two days until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

Former JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr was released on bail after a domestic disturbance involving his father and girlfriend.

Oh, these new charges are newsworthy and all, but it seems journalists covering it are dropping the ball by avoiding the real issue begging investigation here:

What in the hell is John Mark Karr doing with an adult woman as a "girlfriend"?...

A California lesbian has sued eHarmony.com claiming the site discriminates against gays and lesbians because it only dwells in heterosexual pairings.

Hmm.

You gotta figured the idea of Gay Rights is pretty mainstream when folks are fighting for the same right as heterosexuals to be found, chopped up, by a jogger in a forest preserve...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2007:

They've buried "N-Word" in the ground

which, honestly, me does astound,

for it seems they lack

real problems of blacks

to solve--bigotry's dead, they've found!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2007:

One day until Daily Limerick reaches Eight Years of, er, service!...

So, Canada has apparently beefed-up military presence in its oil-rich Northwest Passage, as smooth ol' Dubya's been mumbling about it being "international territory."

Hmm.

Canada... Weapons of mass destruction... Canada... Hmmm...

There's a brand of cigar called "Ram Rod."

Hmm, again.

Naw. Clinton jokes are just too dated...

Saw a blind man walking the streets of my fine city today.

Wearing an iPod.

You know... Pfft. Why bother, anymore?...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/11/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Birthday Must-'Cue

On my last birthday--on the actual birth date, mind you; the days around it were festive--I hadn't any plans. I realize that you have to be a blabbermouth about it, for weeks in advance, to ensure full-blown festivity, but have always felt weird about acting that way, so this wasn't a new birthday twist.

Springtime being late in coming, I had quite the urge to barbecue, so I walked to the grocery story and got some steaks, Portobello mushrooms and shrimp on skewers.

I came home, put the stuff in the fridge and found no messages on my phone or via e-mail, so I marinated the food. Delightfully, I might add. The Portobellos in Olive Oil and garlic, shrimp in sweet and sour sauce mixed with Thai chili paste. And the steak... You don't marinade fine steaks, Slapper Yapper grasshoppers--although you should lightly spice 'em.

Then I set up my charcoal grill and accoutrements--portable lawn chairs and such--and... The phone rings.

A friend of mine with word of a last-minute party, replete with folks I know. I tell him I'll consider it.

I headed back down to Grilling Alley with the lighter fluid and... The phone rings.

Another friend of mine with talk of a chickie party thing to which my friend and I were "wink-wink"-edly invited, "if we were in the neighborhood for [my] birthday." On the downside, is was a trendy, club-ish place they were hanging at.

Now, I know the wink-wink dame, see, and... Well, she's certainly attractive. And I've known her long enough to know...things about her, her personality, etc. Not necessarily "bad" or "good" things--more about chemistry. Anyway... Well.

I told this other friend that I had plans; the first friend assumed, from my tone and all, that I probably wouldn't go to that party.

For Elvis' sake, I had FINE MEATS MARINATING!

So I barbecued and chowed down. And even had some leftover, to heat up another day.

Now, I wish timing of things had been better. But it was a damn good birthday, in any event...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2007:

Today, Daily Limerick marks eight

years of helping Limerick urge sate.

Lims may prompt a chuckle

but, 'less your head's knuckled,

I'd not spew them on a first date!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2007:

Today's Daily Limerick's Birthday! Eight Years of, er, service!...

Today's Daily Limerick's birthday!

And we've lost the news. Somehow...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2007:

So John Mark Karr, fringe famous sicky

(pulled, "Hey I killed JonBenet" tricky),

nailed for a "disturbance"--

dad, girlfriend--cops curbed it.

But...what's he doing with grown chicky?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Organized religion, as you know, is a source of near-pure Good in the world. Only whack-job, fringe figures, like terrorists, subvert it and view other religions as "wrong."

Oh. Whaddaya know. A headline:

"Catholicism is the Only True Church, Vatican Declares"

Hmm.

Moving along...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/13/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Nope

Yesterday was Daily Limerick's birthday. We're busy entertaining ourselves through the weekend.

Masturbate and have a taco...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/13/2007:

> Happy birthday to eight years of .... stuff!

Thanks.

Now, does anybody want to help the Chief Limericist blow out his candle? Er, candleS?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2007:

Of her high-heeled sandals, chick said,

that, 'pon them, it was hard to tread.

Bejeweled and sexy,

though fashion sense-flexing,

they're meant for wear over the head!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

What's all this talk about "nose jobs"?

We're up for anything, we suppose. Seems a little hard to get off that way but, hey, we'd give it a whirl...

Next time we have sex, by the way, we're gonna go for "XXXX" lovin'.

We know XXX is the norm, and that pent-up folks often have X sex, or XX at best, but we're gonna shoot for that Fourth X...

Whaddaya know? Extra Cheeze (a second nugget) on an already Extra Cheezy Saturday!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2007:

Those terrorist putzes, in tryin',

screwed-up U.K way, upon pryin'.

Like shoe-bomber case--

our one saving grace

is that fundies ain't mental giants!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So, to "compete," or whatever, with the online video/slut presence of Obama Girl, Hillary's supporters have unleashed... Hott4Hill, which is, curiously, a woman.

Meaning, many find it hard to believe that a guy would... Ahem.

That line of reasoning isn't very nice. Which hasn't stopped us before and, well, didn't really stop us this time, when you think about it, because we trust you can figure out where it was going...

An Iowa couple was married in a NASCAR-themed ceremony Thursday.

Pretty much guaranteeing we'll see more of JF and Lori Halter--on the TV show "Cops"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/15/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: What the Hell?...

Sunday Story Time is taking the day off.

What with the Eighth Anniversary festivities and all, why not blow this off, too, for the week?

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/15/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: That up on a pedestal glow

 

In my dreams specks of mica glitter out

along the eroding shoreline,

little diamond-dull fragments.

They float in the wet sand and deeper out

they shine beneath the weight of the waves.

 

I trace them with my fingers,

the crystals and the smooth skinned rocks,

and stroke the jagged shoreline textures,

the paths worn by feet, the scrubby plants.

 

The feelings this evokes must be real,

something I have experienced before.

But I cannot place it upon waking.

I sit up in bed and listen to my room,

the traffic scooting past, the dwellers

waking, the first hunger of morning emerging

below this floor and on this floor.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/15/2007:

Regarding the Friday "Entertain Yourself" section's advising Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, upon taking the week off, to "masturbate and have a taco":

> I am not allowed to masturbate. My doctor forbids it. He does not want me to

> lift anything heavy.

>

> So I will have to settle for taco.

Well, just in case, we're a bit suspicious of that "salsa" you put on it...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2007:

Obama Girl brought a cheap thrill

unto Barack's Pres. campaign mill.

Is wonder why

they'd not pick a guy

when countering with "Hott 4 Hill"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Saw a sign on a building the other day:

"Nordstrom Rack"

Hey. We don't care if it's Target Rack, really... It all depends on the rack in question...

So, I was coming home from a show in a trendy part of town and a hot blonde chick yells at me, from a taxi, "Show me your penis!"

You see, now and then, especially in this day and age, women try to be as slimy as guys.

One difference? A guy would have meant it...

Another difference: Had I had shown her my penis, I would have been arrested...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2007:

A lez, seeking what gays "deserve,"

pissed eHarmony has the nerve

to block gays, has sued--

feels, for gays, right's due

to be found in forest preserve!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Became aware of a product called, "Rimmer," recently.

And although it's actually a "cocktail garnish," the salt involved in one variety brought a bit of a shudder...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2007:

A couple 'mid Iowa's crops

thought NASCAR-themed wedding'd be tops.

Unsure what portends

for folks wed such, friends--

but bet that we'll see them on "Cops."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So now even Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki says we can leave Iraq "any time we want." Leaving... What? Bush, Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and a couple of Fox News reporters still aboard the bloody boondoggle bandwagon?

Or does this mean... ANOTHER regime change?...

So there's another video from the YouTube Obama Girl, upping the ante by featuring her and some friends in a pillow fight against the Giuliani Girls.

We're all for this trend.

We're just waiting for some politician to throw out the "Offensive" Card.

A video of six girls having a pillow fight? Most politicians have to pay good money for that...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/18/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Popeye's Three Strips & Rings

Popeye's chicken, a delightful fast food option, if a riffraff magnet, had a special combo advertised in my area lately for "Three Strips & Three Rings." Rings, of course, being onion rings.

Three onion rings? THREE onion rings? Unless they're the size of wagon wheels, this goes beyond kid's meal and into "hamster meal" territory...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2007:

Now Iraqi gov'ment, it seems,

says we can go on, leave the scene.

Bush won't cop to blud'rin'--

instead, he's a wond'rin',

"Should we again change the regime?"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So, Dave Chappelle is the latest celebrity to enter the hospital suffering from "physical exhaustion."

See if your health insurance company covers that.

Really. Give 'em a call. Their customer service reps could use a good laugh to keep their day moving along, just like the rest of us...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2007:

So Dave Chapelle's latest to play

"Exhaustion Card"--stars' new foray.

Try running THAT by

your insurance guy--

the laugh just might make the grunt's day!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So, the Bush Administration is claiming that the capture of Khaled al-Mashhadani provides the "missing link" tying Iraq to Osama bin Laden and al-Qaida.

They curiously haven't bothered to explain how al-Mashhadani went back in time for Sept. 11 involvement, however...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/20/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: First Round Failure

I guess, since we're supposed to use labels, that FRF qualifies as "pop punk." Nonetheless, they have a distinctively melodic sound, a refreshing jokey presence onstage--and they wear ties. Which is a plus, somehow, coming from someone who typically hosts live music shows in a suit jacket while surrounded by rocked-out fashion.

And... Well, in my "notes" on the band, I jotted down "coddle me." Not sure if that was a song I liked or whether I don't remember the events of the evening so well or... Ahem:

http://www.myspace.com/firstroundfailure

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2007:

Guy hit-up a chick who had "issues"--

info he worked hard not to mis-use.

Said, "Cry on my shoulder,"

listened and did hold her--

soon more than tears called for the tissues!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Queen Latifah will be opening a Fat Burger fast-food restaurant in Miami. (The chain is omnipresent, but primarily on the West Coast.)

Nope. This is too easy. Even for an Extra Cheezy Saturday...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2007:

For "A Mighty Heart," Jolie did

prove her acting chops haven't slid.

Acting, a reminder,

is not left behind her

with her new career: Farming kids.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Former star Gary Player claims that golf is the next sport set for a steroids hunt.

Now, despite seeing this as a never ending cat-and-mouse game, DL/S&Y is against steroid use. But concerning golf... Well, think twice about cracking down on anything that might add some form of excitement to the game. Any form of excitement...

Speaking of sports, those of us football fans who almost can't wait to see chicks cover up some of that skin so the REAL sport can begin... Well, it's a while until the exhibition season, but at least we have the Summer Criminal Proceedings Season to tide us over...

Earlier this week, Massachusetts firefighters set-out to engage in some training on a house set for demolition--but instead cut a number of wall and ceiling holes in the wrong house. One that wasn't set for demolition.

The town this all occurred in is named Braintree.

As they say, sometimes reality IS stranger than fiction. And sometimes it has better punchlines, too...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/22/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Baby Brass Band

Recently, I've been writing about various childhood forays into audio cassette theater. Since my musical track should be up for download on the site at this point, I suppose it's appropriate to tell of my first band--another direct-to-audio cassette endeavor. (And, in this case, I still have the fruits of our labor. "Fruits" being just the right word, too.)

The name "Baby Brass Band" was, admittedly, a direct rip-off of a skit on "The Muppet Show," although the similarities ended there. I had the itch to be a rock star early, so I assembled my best friend, his brother and, occasionally, my sister.

(I also employed my sister as a "manager"--and when she wouldn't, say, help with my paper route, I'd "fire" her. Which only worked so long, as she eventually figured out the whole "position" was...well, lame. My mom often mimicked my favorite catchphrase of the time in gently ribbing us about the project, and my means to controlling my sister: "You're fired!" I could complain that Donald Trump stole my catchphrase--considering the lunatic actually tried to COPYWRITE it... But his show is even lamer than Baby Brass Band, so who cares?)

The main lineup included...oh, I don't even know, exactly. Somebody played slide whistle. There were boxes and such to bang on for percussion. I played the "squird"--my name for this "Make-A-Sound" toy, a series of plastic pipe-fittings for constructing your own glorified cheapo horn.

Our biggest, er, "hit" was "Blow Your Brains Out" on the first (and only) album, "Have a Cigar, Bub" (a phrase we evidently found amusing, heard in cartoons or something). And if I must toot my own squird, and I must, it was catchy enough that I caught my mom humming it while engaged in housework. Other favorites were "BryGuy," about our easy fun-making target neighbor, Brian, and "Big, Fat & Ugly," about this bully we knew from soccer camp.

We even "toured." That is, said we were going to "tour" the neighborhood, stood on a nearby street corner, the first stop, and played one of our tunes as best we could remember it--this not being a carefully produced endeavor--and then... I guess we realized how silly it all was and, not having accumulated any groupies, cut the tour short.

I still maintain that Baby Brass Band was a valid musical endeavor...at first. We filled both sides of a 60-minute cassette with songs and, by the end... Well, you could tell we were artistically burned-out. The entire second half of the tape, or B-Side, lacked squird--which was the backbone of our sound, if such a sound can indeed support a backbone. But we were in a hurry to finish it up.

At the very end of "Have a Cigar, Bub," we mentioned our allegedly upcoming second release, "Let's Get Gross," which was to include can't miss hits like, "Privately Pick Your Nose" and an, um, cover of "Great Green Gobs of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts."

That second album never came out.

And I'm not entirely sure whether I'm bummed or relieved that this all occurred before we could've easily slapped the stuff onto MySpace or YouTube for the world to experience...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/22/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Caught unawares

 

Big Headache Man

follow the drums down the stairs

where you are caught unawares.

 

Big Headache Man

you live in the sound of a song

It's getting tense in here tense in here

 

tense.

 

Ease apart with me

and you'll feel less alone.

(alarm alarm)

 

Walk the halls and see

there's nothing to it. Nothing to it.

 

Big Headache Man

we're crashing towards a realization.

It's playing on all the radio stations.

 

Big Headache Man

break apart into littler men

and then into sunbeams and credit cards.

 

Jump in.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/23/2007:

Bush says new arrest proves a fact:

al-Qaida is tied to Iraq.

More tired spin and blather--

it only would matter

if it linked them 'FORE we attacked!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/23/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are reportedly burying the hatchet on their 16th-minute, pop star feud--in order to release an album of lullabies.

You know... Why don't you guys dig that hatchet back up, if this is what's gonna come of "peace"...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/24/2007:

A Fat Burger franchise will be

Queen Latifah owned--Miami.

So... Wouldn't you know?

It... Joke just won't flow--

it's too easy, even for me!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/24/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So this new "Age of Love" show, a "Bachelor" rip-off wherein the lucky boinker chooses between one group of women in their 20s and another in their 40s, is already debunking stereotypes.

Mainly, that only younger women are stupid and attention addicted enough to participate in "reality" TV farces...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/24/2007:

In reply to the last Sunday Story Time, in which I related the tale of my direct-to-cassette tape band, Baby Brass Band, back in...sheesh. Grade school?:

> I want that "Baby Brass" album.

Hmm. That's a tough order. I still have it on cassette, and still have a cassette deck, but my second deck, for recording, isn't working and... The operative question here is:

What in the hell is wrong with you?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/25/2007:

Christina and Britney will bury

the hatchet and play non-contrary

to cut a CD--

stars' lullabies... Please

dig hatchet back up--and don't tarry!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/25/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

With Illinois becoming the 22nd state to pass a ban on indoor smoking, some pundits are, er, prescient enough to speak of a soon-to-come end to all tobacco use.

As many pundits predicted concerning alcohol use as Prohibition kicked in. And as ancient pundits predicted concerning narcotic use when B.C. China started the first, oh-so-successful War on Drugs...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 7/25/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Wendy's Late-Night Buzz Kill

It happened many moons ago, when I was still hitting the big Milwaukee role-playing convention, Gen Con, although I'd otherwise mostly turned-in my dice... Late '80s? Early '90s? Somewhere around then.

Anyway, I was still living with my parents, or was living back with the parents after a failed college stint, and I returned home from the convention late, having not reserved a hotel this time... It was 2 or 3 a.m. when I returned home, but I just had to wake my sister, had to tell somebody about the horrible, tragic, life-altering news I had learned:

Wendy's had discontinued their triple cheezeburger.

We'll just say that my sister didn't share my assessment of the news' relative importance.

Nonetheless, today, Wendy's has had its triple cheezeburger on the menu again for some time.

I'd like to think I played in the primo sandwich's return.

But know damn well I didn't.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/26/2007:

For all of us football fans needing

a fix--waiting for August feeding

with pre-season's start

we'll have to quell heart

by watching play'rs crim'nal proceedings!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/26/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

There's a photo in our newspaper of a cop, in full camouflage gear, tucked within a woodland hideaway waiting for--before you guess whom, keep in mind that this guy went into the line of work to protect people from murderers and rapists and such--waiting for... Pot farmers.

Now, we know this guy's job is to UPHOLD the law, not to pass judgment on it but... How freakin' complacent a society can we be? We're not the only folks who giggled upon seeing the shot...until we thought more about what it REALLY means...

We've really got to express our sincerest gratitude to all you cell phone companies that offer free incoming calls to customers.

Just can't get enough of those, "Heydudecallmeback (click)" calls...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Now, music is generally played in grocery stores. You can tell they're always trying to be hip, but not in a way that might frighten the Moron Majority. It's always evolving.

This week, I heard Barry White during my grocery experience.

Do they...WANT someone to be mounted near the rump roasts?

Or anywhere, I suppose.

Then again, it sorta would complement thumpin' the melons, pokin' the parsnips, eyein' the shrimp...

Huh?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/27/2007:

Next sport to see freak o'er steroids?

Some say that in GOLF they're employed!

Though steroids ain't cool

here's 'ception to rule:

Scandal might fill excitement void!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/27/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Hadn't read the news yet, curiously, but... Now, not only has the American Cancer Society found a complete cure for cancer (how else to explain it's full-page ads advocating "smoke-free-bar Big Mother" ads?)... It apparently has TOO much money and doesn't know what to do with it!

Hence, full-page ads not advocating such policy, as might be questionably argued to be important, but full-page ads after the fact of passage of such laws!

You can stop giving to them, now, folks... Mission accomplished!...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY "ENTERTAIN YOURSELF" SECTION 7/27/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Jeff Churchwell

Jeff describes himself, ridiculously aptly, as a "darker John Denver."

There's hints of bluegrass and banjo and... Hell. The World's Worst Music Critic can't top that, so:

http://www.jeffchurchwell.com

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/27/2007:

Comments are already...er, pouring in on the new, downloadable, Sloop Biederman and the Magnificent Musical Nut Wagon tune:

> I just listened to Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn, and I gotta say, I really

> liked it. It has a nice shambling rhythm, a funny nor-for-the-kids

> message and a great kazoo lick. More, please.

"Nor-for-the-kids message"?

Damn. Hope Sloop can still cancel that kindergarten class gig. Uh-oh. We think he already left...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/28/2007:

For Al, girl seemed to have a thing

but, one day, he noticed The Ring.

Which mattered a lot--

when she worked cum shot

with hand, poor Al's Johnson did sting!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/28/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

So, word's out that some NASA astronauts in the not-so-distant past went into outer space liquored out of their minds.

Which would seem a PR nightmare but... Well, if you're one Ms. Astro-Nut, it may sorta play alibi to that whole stalking-in-a-diaper deal...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/29/2007:

Now, "Age of Love"--"Bachelor"-esque hype

does rip chick age-group stereotypes.

Proves that "mature" chicks

can still be dip-shits

and ego-mad for TV tripe!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/29/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Due to events you may have heard about, Lindsay Lohan was a last-minute Leno cancellation the other night. So Rob Schneider came in and impersonated her, in drag and all.

Lindsay's mom issued a statement, to some venue that would listen, calling the stunt "mean" and such.

Now, this is arguably a touchy situation and all, what with the rehabs gone wrong (imagine that?) and the sympathy v. personal responsibility question.

I'd be pissed because... Well, no human being deserves to be impersonated by Rob Schneider, for the love of Elvis...

Special Sunday Newspaper In-Depth News Coverage Section:

He he. Fooled ya'...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 7/29/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Kicked-Out of A Bar (Again?)

I was kicked-out of a bar a week ago.

Now, a little background for those near-virginal Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers:

I don't drink anymore. Long story with an ugly ending, unless you're an optimist, in which case you'd figure a happy ending came with putting booze behind. You can probably Net search for keywords like "booze" or "liquor" or "drunk driving" or "sex with a small-town mayor's under-aged daughter," coupled with "Daily Limerick" or "Slappin' and Yappin'," to read some gems from our archives.

Attempted gems, anyway.

Furthermore, I am not prone to rowdiness, nor was I on the night in question, on a fluke or something. I am admittedly too mellow and low-key.

So why the hell was I kicked-out?

It's a joint around the corner from me. I've been working from home lately and need excuses to get out, this was a Friday night and there's no law stating I must imbibe alcohol. In fact, I have a Coke or something at bars all the time in my performing travails. (Actually, "travails" is a typo of sorts, as I'd meant originally to type "travels" but... Well, there you go.)

I was even festive enough to order an O'Douls. (I usually don't do the NA bear, as it doesn't taste as good as a pop and it mysteriously makes you whiz more than actual beer--or, seemingly, water.)

I just hung-out, chatted a bit. Mostly sat quiet, on the look-out for comely dames. I would change location every now and then--take a walk to pee, say, and look for open spots around hotter chicks than my previous station, or around chicks more likely to be available. Etc.

At one point, I walked toward the entrance area and the bouncer told me, "They told me at the bar that they've cut you off, so you're going to have to leave." I smiled, emitted a mild chuckle--hear it from bartenders all the time on my second or third coke, "We're gonna have to cut you off."

Then he said it again.

"Well, I HAVE had one whole O'Doul's," I said.

"I don't know; I'm just sayin' what they told me."

I was being booted from the establishment. I'd been booted out of two bars before--but in both of those cases, I was rather drunk. (Which reminds me--I'll pencil those in for future Sunday Story Times.)

There's only one side plot of the night in question, that I observed anyway, that even hits upon the general region of an explanation.

At some point, some guys--late 40s, maybe--came in. I noticed them because they were all duked-up (SIC?), reeking of cologne. That sorta scene. Not that I don't hit-up much younger women, but... I'm a Limericist. Bona fide occupational qualification. And at one point, this retirement-aged guy (or maybe he only LOOKED that old) was mixing with them, wearing some sort of goofy military hat. I mention him because a friend of mine knows the place and says that Goofy Hat Guy is the owner.

Now, at one point, three chicks enter--one delightfully hot, who seemed to check me out a bit. Upon entry the three happened to come over by me, needing to find a little nook from which to discuss their options for cozying in. My area wasn't the only convenient nook, so I took this as a possible sign.

I made some sort of comment about the scene to engage her in verbal intercourse. She replied in a friendly matter. There was laughter. But the ladies spied a couple of seats open at the bar, needed three, and settled-into an exact three-seat opening.

Then the Cologne Boys leaned-in for a near-huddle, talking while looking over at the Hottie's Trio. The dudes were dripping with trouble. They stood up and moseyed over by the Trio. Banter ensued. Watching it unfold, I imagined the guys offering the much younger ladies a ride on a yacht. The ladies seemed to be fighting back rolling their eyes, just polite enough to fall short of ridicule.

I was trying to play it cool. Keep to myself, let Hots commiserate with her friends, but occasionally make an excuse to talk with her. When the Cologne Boys retreated, I waited a bit, to avoid obviousness, then walked to the Hottie's Trio. Asked Hots what the suspicious bunch had said to them.

"They asked me if I came with YOU," she said.

I briefly thought she was joking. But, apparently, that's what those guys asked.

After exiting that chatter foray, I found another excuse to talk with her, a bit later. We exchanged "what we do for a livings." I was thinking that, after another de-icing or two, a phone number attempt might be in order.

But then I wandered toward the front and...I was informed of my bouncing.

I said, "Okay--but hold on one second..." He looked suspicious as I walked back over to the Trio. I told hots that I was being booted--and that I had no idea why. She was shocked--and sorta looked at ME suspiciously. (The earlier incident didn't sit quite right with her, I gleaned earlier and I can't fully blame her.)

Knowing I hadn't engaged in the proper amount of chatter yet, but having only this opportunity...I asked for her phone number. "I don't think so," she said, appearing somewhat ambivalent. But the bouncer was eyein' me and these were far from ideal hittin'-up circumstances.

Yet another in an improbable of circumstances where I came across looking studly publicly--and went home alone.

But the place is around the 3000 North block of Broadway in Chicago: Friar Tuck's. Should you wanna, oh, contact 'em somehow or something.

Those ass-clams...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 7/29/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: It's quiet for Elliott Smith

 

Broken slumber is fully realized

in each wavering wander of chord.

To the doorstep, then we'll go,

flying paper kites in electric storms

like the best of them, at night; so take my hand

and let's get going. Stop and admire

the trash and the treasure at your leisure

as you rush along the gutters. Why,

there is no storm here. The forecasters

were wrong again. But I'll hold onto

my memory of kite flying -- I admire its allure,

its springing step like the casual lives

you catalog along the edge of the river

collecting its edgeless voice.

 

[If you'd like to praise or berate the poet, e-mail him at mpchmielecki@gmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/29/2007:

> John,

> The Poe limerick is below, as my signature. I pretty sure I found

> in on Boing Boing last week (love that site!). I'm not necessarily

> very good at making up my own, I just like them!

>

> Jenn

>

> There once was a girl named Lenore

> And a bird and a bust and a door

> And a guy with depression

> And a whole lot of questions

> And the bird always says "Nevermore."

Hmm. There is only one Daily Limerick, as you can see.

But I've found some marvelous things myself, er, "on boing boing."

And then, letters keep pouring in about...things:

> hey john, have we met in person before?

> Thanks for linking me to ur site. :)

>

> peace peace

> sonicbids.com/robbi

> robbilives.com

That's Robbi. The rapper. Noticing she was linked two years ago.

So maybe it will be a while before those letters on the new song for download start pouring in...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/30/2007:

Seems astronauts drunkenly bent

for NASA off into space went.

PR nightmare but

for that astro-nut

explains diapered stalk incident!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/30/2007:

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Headline:

"Obama Worker Arrested on Outstanding Warrant"

There you go! No more talk about whether or not Obama is "black enough"...

Kidding. Just kidding...

Then again, so is this whole damn site...

Headline:

"Aquafina: PepsiCo Admission it's From Tap, Not Spring, Stuns Buyers"

And we're, in turn, still stunned that people are even BUYING water in bottles, sand in the desert, etc...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 7/30/2007:

Regarding yesterday's Sunday Story Time, relating how, despite my not drinking for years, I was tossed out of a bar recently (Chief Limericist checked in, here):

> I'm sorry you went through that lame-ass rigamarole at the bar.

> But, now that it's in the far distant future -- like, a week ago?

> OLD history -- you can just sit back and laugh.

Yes... But will I be laughing WITH me...or laughing AT me?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/31/2007:

Deceptive, sure, by any measure--

Aquafina's spring-bottled treasure

comes straight from the tap.

But consumer slap

is apt for buy'n "sand in the desert"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/31/2007:

E-mail readers: If you have spam blocker or something, realize that, in the near future, you'll be receiving this from missives@dailylimerick.net. So you might want to add that to your e-address book, or whatever you have to do...

Daily Limerick has reached Eight Years of, er, service (July 12, 2007)!...

Headline:

"Baghdad is Victorious"

There's more:

"Soccer Team Takes Asian Cup, 4 Killed by Celebratory Gunfire"

Why anybody would imagine us unable to bring lasting peace to that country is beyond us...

Headline:

"Company Rents Dogs as Part-Time Pets for Those Who Lack Time, Space"

Oh, if only our general commitments to personal responsibility could rise back to part-time... (Sigh)...

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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