Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2007

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2007:

An Illinois pol, if bill stands,

mandates school kids' washing of hands.

On heels of success--

'gainst smoke, trans fat--guess

here's glimpse at Big Mother's next plans...

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2007:

Headline:

"Bird Flue Vaccine Better Than Noting: Feds"

Bird flu?

Remember bird flu?

Seems some little avian scientists don't wanna lose the alarmist spotlight...

Plans are reportedly underway for a new professional women's soccer league. Which might seem to some to be a losing financial proposition...but, then again, there won't be a lot of overhead, considering there will be no need to build new stadiums, as any old high school's bleachers should suffice...

DL/S&Y Prediction:

When Posh Spice and...that guy--you know, the soccer player they're always telling us is world famous"... Anyway, once they fully integrate to Hollywood, they'll be divorced.

He'll no longer be famous enough for Posh.

And once they go Hollywood, the definition of "love" becomes...well, look what's happened to "reality"...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/1/2007:

A Letter was sent.

Deluged by spam, we accidentally deleted it.

We asked the letter writer to re-send it, realizing our error.

This is what we got:

> I don't have it anymore. Buuutttt.... it was in response to Nancy at

> Journalism Jobs.com giving you a rejection note with an emoticon attached to

> it. I said something like:

>

> Anyone who uses an emoticon in a pseudo-professional reply should be

> excommunicated, especially if she works for a writer's website. I have said

> my piece and counted to three.

>

> Accursed Mike

Actually, I had applied for an ad seeking blogs to syndicate and was rejected. Not to mention that limericks were bashed and "mature content" was pooh-poohed.

Our reader here found the emoticon the most dismaying part of the whole deal.

Maybe we're not deleting ENOUGH of our e-mail, come to think of it...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2007:

Began when Dems' shots seemed remote:

the push to get more folks to vote.

'Round world, for Vote folks fight--

if, here, you won't use right

"helping" you's a sad antidote.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2007:

Headline:

"Prince Charles: Ban McDonald's"

So... Why does anybody care about the opinions of a member of England's biggest welfare recipient family again?...

Setting that aside... Oh, that's right! New century! Time again for the elitist, do-gooder fascists to impose laws to protect adults from themselves, spur disastrous consequences and learn, again, that such laws never work...until 2100, when we'll do it all over again...

There's all this blather now about Britney Spears' recent shenanigans and how this spotlights the epidemic of post-partum depression and blah blah blah.

Not to make light of a serious problem but... Hell, we fully intend to make light, I suppose but... Anyway, I think the whole affairs spotlights another, deeper problem affecting our society, wasting lives, poisoning minds, threatening to destroy the very fabric of American culture:

Celebrity worship...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

As one who makes some peanuts emceeing live shows, I couldn't help but note that early press for a movie called, "The Host" dubs it "One of the greatest monster movies ever made."

MONSTER movie?

Perhaps it's my turn to be offended, seein' as that's perpetually all the rage and all...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/2/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Feathergun

I've seen them at least twice--and they rock. As I ponder my status as Worst Music Critic on the Planet, while also thinking on the concept of a band's music speaking for itself, I figure there are other things I can touch on to fill space here. A "Behind the Music"-esque glance only...not as interesting and a bit more focused on my nuts. Yeah, that's what I'll dub this crap... Ahem:

I do know that the bass player or...not sure, he's in another band, too, and in one of them he plays a stand-up bass. I do know that he's a multi-instrumentalist. A prodigy. A wonder. Or something. So there's SOMETHING on the actual music.

The last time I saw them, I fell victim to the ol' "Come on to Sloop hard and give him my phone number with no intention of calling back in order to make the drummer jealous" at the hands of a Feathergun fan named Jasmine. But, nonetheless, I won't hold it against them, as she did against me... Besides, I've been foiled by that trick so often now that it rolls off me, like hound dogs on Godzilla.

Anyway:

http://www.feathergun.com

And they have a MySpace, if you're fifteen (we trust you can find that).

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2007:

Now bondage, young chick longed to try

but had hard time finding right guy.

'Til she found one, buff

and bearing right stuff

and dubbed the boy, "fit to be tied."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2007:

Uh, Britney?

That is: Hello Britney, it's us, Daily Limerick.

Hmm... How to say this?... Best to be direct:

You shaved the WRONG END!

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2007:

Some say Brit Spears antics bring lesson--

spotlight on post-partum depression.

But fact we know stems it--

a diff epidemic:

our damn celebrity obsession!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2007:

With all the freakin' Letters today, not to mention the other Sunday extras... We can kinda get away with blowin' off the actual...ahem... "newsy" section, huh?...

Oh, anyway, so I have a renter/roommate, renting a spare room and living room in my place. (Not The Derelict, of Sunday Story Time fame.) I'm near 100 percent certain she's no Slapper Yapper Grasshopper, so I'll throw in this dubiously qualified slice of life vignette.

I overhear her watching "America's Next Top Model" and then, a little later, "calling about prices for personal trainers."

See... Well, you know... Hmm.

We'll just leave that at that.

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/4/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Porn With Others

Our first encounters with porn often entail a shared experience.

Now, before you go spittin' out, "Speak for yourself, pal," realize that I've heard the same tale of First Porn from countless other guys: A group of pals finds some ripped up, yellowed, weather-wrinkled, faded whack mag in a field/behind a tree/etc. and jostles for the privilege of ogling it, passing it around in shifts, etc., with one "lucky" boy who's unafraid to take it home ending up the Keeper of the Porn, for whatever reasons.

This common experience is the basis for my poem, "The Porn Fairy"--who leaves porn in fields and the like for young boys. But that's neither here nor in China.

This porn-finding feature of the Human Experience may be changing, what with the Internet and all, especially considering that most parents can't be bothered to figure out Internet filters and instead would rather harp to their legislators about the need to anally rape the Bill of Rights.

Point is: While circumstances may dictate that our first encounter with porn be of the group variety, that situation is to be avoided at all costs. Cast aside the ridiculous marketing of "marital" or "couples" flicks--porn, like meditation, is a solitary endeavor. It tends to give you raging wood, for Elvis' sake and... Well, raging wood is best shared with another, I suppose--but not among your guy friends! Unless, of course, you're... Well, I think you catch my drift.

Now, of course, there's the idea of watching porn with a partner. That's a whole 'nother thing, though. Let's just say there are unforeseeable pitfalls, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers. But a situation to explore, nonetheless.

I recall a period where I watched porn flicks semi-regularly with a couple friends--my first experience with the visual porn medium. Households, at the time, tended to have one VCR, if that, so when my one pal's mom was out of town, we somehow discovered that the local video store would allow us to rent X-rated fare which we could watch down in the living room.

Even then, the endeavor seemed awkward. But this was around my junior high-ish period and that was as close to dirty love as any of us was going to get for some time.

Once, as an adult, a video porn order arrived one day and I found my package as I entered my building with a few friends who were coming over to hang-out a bit. I tried to disguise what I'd received but... And the bastards talked me into popping one in!

Don't get it. Don't get it at all. In fact, at my own bachelor party, I was hit by an awkward bomb, causing me to question that whole endeavor.

Won't go into the Stripper Thing here. Paying ridiculous money for a high powered blue ball... Ahem.

There was supposed to be a "story" here, wasn't there? This being "Sunday Story Time" and all.

Well, I do recall my friend's brother, during a junior high-ish age group porn watch, asking, "Why's he hurtin' her?" in reaction to the poorly acted screams of ecstasy on the part of a carnal starlet.

We had a good laugh.

And it all came back to me when I read of that chowderhead who made news lately for busting into a neighbor's apartment to "save a woman from sexual assault"...only to find that the noises were coming from a porn flick.

There. Happy?

"Ooh" and "aah" and "(sigh)" at will. More Chicken Soup for the Pole...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/4/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: High potency

 

My hands redolent of her perfume.

I can't wash the scent out. I can only

raise them toward the sun,

smiling like an idiot.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/4/2007:

> SUBJECT: Mars Melt Hints at Solar, Not Human, Cause for Warming, Scientist Says

Hmm.

We're more worried about the fact that Daily Limerick's perceived by some fringe element to be a forum for scientific discourse.

Come to think of it, we're a bit frightened of Daily Limerick being perceived as a forum for much of anything.

And then this predictable missive rolls over the e-transom, on the heels of last Friday's "Entertain Yourself" section:

> Sloop-

> You're so hot right now!  Way hotter than Jay Mohr or even George Takei...

> Thanks for smothering us with your unique brand of rock sauce.

>

> Our love from out the Gun,

> Feathergun

George Takei? If you're gonna go all "Star Trek" on us, at least pick... Well, I guess George Takei is just as well.

But... "Rock sauce"? That could be put to use somehow, we think... "Babe, think of it as 'rock sauce'..." Ahem.

Believe it or not, there's more! And this one deals with Feathergun! Well, about as much as our, um, "feature" on Feathergun focused on Feathergun:

> I am in Hamburg. Tired from the flight. I love Like Hounddogs off

> Godzilla, You certainly can turn a phrase. Ed

We've been sitting here at the keyboard, staring, for about 10 minutes.

It seems we should have a reply for this last one. But we can't think of a damn thing.

Well, there is the idea of Godzilla, er...as our Chief Limericist, nursing at least a quarter gainer which... Yeesh.

Guess we've spent our rock sauce of witticism for the day...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2007:

Does Britney face untimely end?

She cries out for help--don't pretend!

The Sane Line--she's crossed it.

Head shearing? Spears lost it--

Yo Britney! You shaved the wrong end!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2007:

We've been going over old DL files, assembling a "Best Of" sorta thing and... We'll, if we must say so ourselves (and we must), some of those Limericks are pretty damn funny.

Okay, if I must say so myself--Chief Limericist, checking in, here--some are pretty damn funny.

Having said that, watch for Daily Limerick stock to shoot through the roof!

(Daily Limerick stock. Ha!)

But if you choose Daily Limerick stock over, say, chicken or beef stock, we assume no responsibility for the results...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/5/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Phallic Symbol Haiku

 

Token male member

Of a noted women's club

What a phallacy

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2007:

A women's pro soccer league's planned

and, though you'd think buzz would be bland,

low overhead's feature--

for old high school bleachers

can eas'ly accomm'date its fans!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2007:

We'd like to respond to a chowderhead going by "MP" at www.reason.com who, in reaction to a bill recently passed by the U.S. House to make union organizing easier, writes, "...Maybe it made sense 75 years ago when union organizers would be taken out behind the woodshed and beaten senseless by company thugs, but is that really such a concern nowadays?"

Well, MP, you're right that the scenario you mention isn't such a concern now. Literally, anyway--although, metaphorically, it may in fact be MORE likely today.

I guess it doesn't matter if you're outright fired--so long as you're not beaten behind a woodshed...

Keeping in mind that many have high hopes for new Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella, who, like many new managers coming to town before him, claims the Cubs Curse to be hooey, and that the Piniella-led Cubs have recently spent $300 million on new players... We present two headlines from different pages in our sports section:

"Lou's Rude Welcome: Piniella's Patience Already Wearing Thin as Cubs are Routed 13-2 by White Sox in Latest Sloppy Spring Performance"

and

"For $300M, Cubs Own This Town"

Hmm.

So, first we have a factual story of games gone wrong, followed by a wild, faith-based claim of great things to come.

Shouldn't we just declare Cubs fandom to be a religion, at this point?...

Stephan Grant is accused of murdering and dismembering his wife.

He curiously went missing and authorities found him sans coat and shoeless in a snowy Michigan state park.

According to the AP story: "He was in stable condition."

Now, we'll agree that anger directed at one's significant other is normal. Even intense anger.

But dismembering her and still being "stable"?...

(Allegedly)...

A weekend story about a newly discovered type of dinosaur describes the reptile as having "bony nubbins."

He hee.

You know... Aw, send in your own jokes and/or innuendoes about "bony nubbins." If we get started, next thing you know we'll have blown a whole afternoon...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/6/2007:

Mike, of Mike's Accursed Verse, er, fame, checks in with:

> I gotta say, I really look forward to David Sher's haikus every Monday. Wow,

> I'm a poet who writes for Daily Limerick commenting favorably on another

> poet who writes for Daily Limerick. How incestuous!

>

> Mike

Some call it "dippin' the pen in the company inkwell." Well...perhaps that's something different altogether.

So, I guess it's our turn:

We like... Ahem.

There's some good stuff through the Links, we suppose...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2007:

Can Cubs fandom be a decision?

Passed down through time--like circumcision?

Against logic, rooting;

each fall, left to brooding...

Why, Cubs fandom is a religion!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2007:

Yet ANOTHER headline on this freakin' theme:

"The Pause That Refreshes: Nap Can Make Your Afternoon More Productive"

The story under the headline also mentions yet ANOTHER book on the matter:

"Take a Nap! Change Your Life!" by Sara C. Mednick.

What is the deal with this Pro Napping Movement? Who's behind this? Does it have something to do with the aging of our population? Are cats behind this somehow?...

Headline:

"Valley of the Sleaze: Reality TV Hits New Low as..."

No need to finish this one.

But, sorry folks, "reality" TV CAN'T go any lower. For some time now, it's been at absolute zero on the Lowest Common Denominator Thermometer...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/7/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: It's National Salis...Er...

A new season of "South Park" starts tonight.

Unfortunately, however, we've declared the debut of its fall season to be "National Salisbury Steak Day." For that, of course, we encourage folks to accompany the meal with green beans, roll and milk. And while we don't ban mashed potatoes and corn as a side dish, we highly discourage it--instead urging them to be served with buttered noodles.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Make sure tonight to celebrate... National Buttered Noodles Day! And we encourage you to serve up those buttered noodles with green beans, roll, milk and...Salisbury steaks!

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2007:

Now seems most books, studies and stats

(which, these days, can prove this OR that)

cry, "Napping's the greatest!"

One answer might sate us:

Just who is behind this push?--Cats?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2007:

Real Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that DL/S&Y is against the death penalty.

We won't go into it. Tiptoe through the 'Chives if you need clarification.

However, lately we've been pondering some especially sinister crimes and...well, we've decided to make room for an exception to our philosophical moratorium:

Ass bastards who steal newspapers off the doorsteps of subscribers...

While we've avoided joining the media circus on the topic, as we so often do, in going through old editions to assemble "Best Ofs" and such we were reminded that quite a few Limericks and other piffles have mentioned Anna Nicole Smith.

Then again, if you feel you need MORE Anna Nicole Smith coverage, well... We're currently partial to the astro-nut!

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2007:

The critics still say of the shows:

"Real'ty TV's reached new low!"

But Common Denom'nator's

culture thermometer

for them hit "0" long ago!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2007:

The State of Colorado performed a major crackdown on immigrants. Which evidently worked--perhaps too well, leaving Colorado farmers with nobody willing to pick their crops and such for the going wage.

So now, Colorado prisoners are working the Colorado farm fields.

Keeping in mind that the majority of those in U.S. prisons are there for nonviolent offenses (hopeless War on Drugs and all), a Master Plan comes to light and things make a little more sense, now, don't they?...

"American Idol" is the lead-in program to the new show, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

We're having trouble coming up with a witty capper to this one but this situation, too, somehow makes perfect sense...

And while we're talking about situations that seem to lend themselves to wit, although the wit alludes us, here's a high school sports headline:

"Blazing Trojans Team Up, Steam Past H-F"

It does sound like a sexual encounter gone horribly, terribly wrong, doesn't it?

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/9/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Happy Butterfly Foot

The obvious joke here, and in presenting them as an emcee, pertains to insect foot fetishism. Of course.

Hmm.

Well, maybe it's not so obvious a joke. Hell, maybe it doesn't even QUALIFY as a joke.

Point is: Happy Butterfly Foot makes delightful music. For delightful people. With a hint of funk, a honkin' dollop of spunk and a helluva bass player, reminiscent of Billy Sheehan of the ol' Talas. (And yes, I realize that hardly anybody remembers Talas.)

Happy Butterfly Foot is also amusing and fun, with much of that fun coming from lead chick Rachel, who also serves up most of the spunk. (Oh, innuendo is calling on that one, sure--so help yourself. We're being careful to avoid overdosing.)

Is that enough for you to go on? Don't forget that I'm the Worst Music Critic on the Planet... Oh, and a word or two about HBF's fan base: They have great taste in men. Only indulged through window shopping, evidently, but just impeccable, nonetheless.

Aw, screw it! See:

http://www.happybutterflyfoot.com

(They've also got a MySpace, in case you're 15. We trust you can find it.)

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/9/2007:

Forwarded crap. But apparently not mass-forwarded, from what we can tell, and semi-interesting:

> The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like?

>

> Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a

> woman who weighs 320 looks like....

>

> Got it?

>

> Ready?

The missive proceeds to show pics of a seven-foot-something Danish chick who's actually well-proportioned and kinda hot. And then it closes with some crack about Americans not being too fat, only too short.

So... We've mentioned foot fetishism in one section and now we're dwelling in that giantess thing.

Daily Limerick was started, you know, simply to plug a Limerick Slam poetry competition. Simple little limerick a day, a short humor column. What, oh what have we become?...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2007:

A horny hillbilly named Lance

attended a fam'ly barn dance

and at the reunion

indulged in some poon fun...

Could say he had aunts in the pants!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2007:

Headlines:

"Salah Beat Terror Rap, So He's Going to Disney World"

and:

"Judge: No Disney For Accused Child Molester"

Yeesh.

When we dubbed our increasing societal P.C. madness "Disneyfication" a few years back, we were exaggerating... Well, we HOPED we were exaggerating...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/10/2007:

> Thanx for the kind words.

> It's never too early in the morning to hear the word spunk.

> shit, I'm late for class.

> hopefully we'll see you soon!

> Rachel K.

>

> PS: whose Talas??

This is Rachel of Happy Butterfly Foot, featured in Friday's "Entertain Yourself," checking in.

Talas, by the way, is a band from the...'80s, I guess, dwelling in metal, fronted more-or-less by bass player Billy Sheehan, who soloed and used pedals, etc. like a metal guitarist. He also played for David Lee Roth and some other band that attained fame in the '90s.

Actually, kinda crappy music. But the bass Tom fooleries were unique. Perhaps only exciting to bass players, however.

The rest of you will have to get your kicks from morning spunk.

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2007:

In Colorado, took a stand,

'gainst illegal immigrants' plans

so know, for crop yields,

have pris'ners work fields--

a vision of Drug War's Big Plan.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2007:

Eddie van Halen has entered rehab for alcohol abuse.

Again.

While he's there, he can perhaps take a look at his other rehab options. Throw out the "N" word? Just rehab it! Adultery? Just 'hab it!

Never mind that it...well, doesn't work for shit.

Of course, there's a slew of PR people--and an entire "treatment" industry--that begs differ...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/11/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Chasing Girls at the Beach

I remember, as a youngster--I suppose it was around later grade school--going to the beach with mom, the sister and my best friend. My father usually didn't go along, as he'd be working--he was an airline pilot and worked outside of 9 to 5 and we'd usually go on summer weekdays.

After one beach trip, I remember my mom telling dad about us going to the beach, saying, "John and Jimmy chased girls most of the day." My dad said something of a fun-making nature about that and my mom replied, "I'm sure YOU and your friends did the same thing when YOU were HIS age."

To which dad replied, "Yeah--but we CAUGHT some of them."

It was true that Jimmy and I were both extra shy. What we did, mostly, was follow girls from a distance, hoping, I guess, they might notice and give some unmistakable sign that they liked us--or perhaps turn around and start a conversation themselves.

So my dad was right: We didn't "catch" any girls.

As they say, the truth hurts--and it did sort of bother me to have my own father aggravate my Achilles Heel. I had friends, people found me funny, I earned decent grades in school and was above-average athletically... But I wasn't real smooth with girls.

Now, my father knew I was within hearing range of his comments. And while I did find them a bit cruel...that's not what I'm trying to do here today. "My father emotionally abused me!"--no, no, no. I think it was a form of that "When I was your age, we walked ten miles in the snow, barefoot, to school" stuff. A crutch for the middle-aged to whip-out for their progeny and thus cling to the belief that, although they're grown-up and "mature" and such now, at one point they were a kid who was stronger/smarter/smoother/etc.

I also got the distinct feeling that my dad felt bad about the comments, immediately after saying them. Don't recall why--facial expression, manner, whatever.

My dad seemed to semi-regularly poke fun at me for things I was less than savvy with and that he was good at. Perhaps there's some truth behind Freud's whole Oedipus thing after all. Mechanical, handy-man type stuff, for instance--I've always been a putz with those things and he, of course, excelled at them.

By the same token, though, I detected a distinct...jealousy, or something, about the things with which I excelled and he found skills lacking for. Spelling--in fact, the whole realm of writing and English-related skills--was a big one. Joke-telling. A knick for things artsy and creative.

Me and my father have a great relationship today. Oh, it's a typical guy thing, where I often feel we should have more heart-to-hearts, especially as he gets older--do more father/son stuff. And I sense he feels the same sometimes.

But we do those types of things more than we ever have and perhaps even more than average.

Funny thing is, while I've wasted time and energy fretting about the things HE could do that I couldn't--and vice versa--like most human beings, I rarely allow myself a pat on the back over the things I AM good at.

A friend of mine is married and now has two children. I knew him before my marriage, but once we were both married, the two of us and our wives were "couple friends." My marriage, of course, ended in divorce--but we're still good friends.

One day my friend and I were talking on the phone and the subject turned to performing and writing and stuff. I was talking about various projects and he said, "Man. I wish I could write a book. I wish I could do a Web site with content updated DAILY."

It was a compliment and I indeed felt flattered. But I thought to myself, "And I wish I had a wife and two kids."

I'm still optimistic that I will, one day not too far off, have a family. And at that point, I'll probably have fewer projects. Perhaps won't have time to always have a new book proposal in the mail or...whatever.

I'll never "have it all" at once--and none of us will. But it does one good to remember, while envying others accomplishments and talents, that somebody, in turn, envies ours.

I tried to end this on a non-sappy note; I really did. But I couldn't figure out exactly how...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/11/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Movie love?

 

I love the fantasy, I want the fantasy,

I need the fantasy. Let's fall in movie

love, with fountains as a backdrop. Birds

pirouetting midair above us, a swell of

symphonic sap ladeled out not too sweet.

 

It can go two ways then: either we'll fall

apart due to some hidden flaw, stumble

about for most of the picture and then

come back together, all grace and nobility,

the happiness burning in our hearts and

our genitals.

 

Or one of us will die. And the symphony

will bathe us in syrup. The lights will

tastefully dim on us, the doomed couple.

Those birds from the first

reel will be back, wheeling through

a rainy sky.

 

Either way, complete closure,

the undeniable frission of a life beautifully

photographed.

 

I have heard that there are men and women

who do their best with what they have, drop away

the guilts and doubts as they build a life together.

And I wonder how much of it is real,

and how much a fantasy for those seeking shelter.

And is it worth it, to feel all that and live all that,

if the houselights suddenly come back up,

and you find yourselves seated in red velvet chairs,

in a crowd of people slowly finding their bearings?

Then, will you both rise to leave? Or hold on

all the tighter.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/11/2007:

> Limerick on, I will!

>

> Thanks for featuring HBF in the Friday Entertain Yourself Section.  That was

> a pleasant surprise.

>

> I got your email... but I first received an email from my cousin Jeff

> Felshman who said he used to work with you.  Small world...

>

> Anyway... hope to see you at another Flabby show soon.

>

> Aaron

This is some sort of record.

TWO members of a band have now written in on TWO separate occasions to appreciate their appreciation within the steamy folds of Daily Limerick. E-folds, true, but indubitably steamy.

Thankfully, today's letter wasn't steamy. Seeing it was from Aaron and all. Not that... Well, you know.

Rachel's yesterday, of course, could've upped the steam. Little cold up here in the penny pinching Daily Limerick office tires. The main spire, of course. Yeah.

Steamy. When you think of Daily Limerick, just thing "steamy."

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2007:

Death penalty stand?--I won't taper.

'Gainst it, though there are evil capers--

such dark, heinous crimes...

For them, could be fine--

like stealing subscribers' newspapers!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2007:

Harvey Mackay pens a column on job-related issues that appears weekly in the Chicago Sun-Times; we believe it's syndicated.

Mackay is chairman of Mackay Envelope company and, we suppose, that's an acceptable background for one who dispenses advice on resumes and the like.

But Mackay's bio also identifies him as a "motivational speaker."

Thus, "Do what I say and you could end up a mover and shaker within the world of...envelopes some day!"

Now, we're not real clear on exactly what effects "motivational speakers" are supposed to have, other than on their own pocketbooks, but... Envelopes? Seems to us that listeners would be likely to just head home after his talk, load up a bong and pop in a videogame...

Sunday "Commentary" section headline:

"We Sometimes Forget How Much We Have"

It is a good point, for DL/S&Y, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers and the rest of us: Now and then, take time to quit critiquing our screwed up world and take stock in what we have to be grateful for.

But there's a time and place for that...and it's called the Christmas Season.

So...what to bitch about next?...

F'rinstance--Chief Limericist checking in, here--I'm itchin' to give somebody something I have that's...well, let's just say it's xiphoid.

And no, I'm not relying on my American Heritage Dictionary "Word-a-Day" calendar as a content crutch. No sir... No ma'am... No Slapper Yapper Grasshopper... (Did I get everybody there?)...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/12/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Palpatating Haiku

 

My heart goes pitter-

Pat in my breast.  I need a

Defibrillator

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/12/2007:

In reply to...we think...yesterday's Sunday Story Time:

> In Dubai. Crazy scene. Home Wednesday via Ha,burg. I liked this Auto-Bio issue

> of sloop, poetics included very much. Fast Eddy

Hmm.

DL/S&Y doesn't usually get kudos over its rare, melodramatic drivel. And from an...er, international audience!

But hey: Daily Limerick--come for the Limericks, stay for the sap!

Or something sticky, anyway...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2007:

So spring's almost here--launch confetti!

And soon to play out, slow and steady,

is baseball--'til fall!

As Cactus League calls

I just feel, well... Baseball? Already?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2007:

Headline:

"U.S. Must Reduce Drug Demand: Mexico"

Ahhh. Okay, we'll just reduce demand then, despite the fact that it has raged since the dawn of humanity and probably will until the end of time... Thanks for the tip!

Why, the Drug War is so simple it's...freakin' butt-assed stupid...

Headline:

"Comic Found Dead in Apparent Suicide"

One down...zillions to go!...

Okay, okay. That wasn't very nice.

And we certainly have no problem with Richard Jeni--in fact, he was one of the better comics around.

Guess I'm still coming to terms with Time Out Chicago labeling me a "comedian." (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

Oh, the shame! The dreaded "C"-word...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2007:

Both Anna Nicole and James Brown,

still worshipped, though no longer 'round,

had lives worth reflecting

but found disrespecting

with circus to lay them in ground!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2007:

Good Slapper Grasshoppers (if there is such a thing) know that we normally try to avoid the celebrity gossip beat here at DL/S&Y but... Well, c'mon! It's almost impossible to escape the stuff!

Anyway, lately it has occurred to us... Part of the alleged reasoning behind Brad Pitt losing Jennifer Aniston was his desire to have children, right?

So now... Well, is the old adage "careful what you wish for" being driven home yet, Brad? Smacking you right across the freakin' face, kickin' you in the nuts, steamrollerin' right over you and flattening your ass on the pavement?...

Mignon Fogarty is the woman behind an allegedly popular podcast called, "Grammar Girl."

And it's about just what you'd think it'd be.

Oh, the excitement.

As a light bulb appears over the head of the producer(s) of "Big Brother"...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/14/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Healing with Hot Peppers

In typing today's "Eat It!" headline, we realize that the healing properties of food have been a recurring topic here.

No matter.

Recently--Chief Limericist checking in, here--I found myself with a case of stomach upset, one that lasted most of my day. (Stomach upset is exceedingly rare for me--and upset that lasts more than a couple hours is...ridiculously rare, I guess.)

However, I'd been shipped a package of goodies from my mom which included 10 Vienna hot dogs (Chicago style and the best on earth), with all the appropriate trimmin's. And I needed to finish them off soon, while my eating schedule, with other leftovers, upcoming shows and the like (for which I usually eat out, on the run) made that day THE day to finish the Viennas.

(Truth be told, my mother ships me these goodies every Valentine's Day and they usually include a heart-shaped Chicago pizza, too. This occurs whether or not I have a Lady in my life...so there.)

So...what to do? I couldn't possibly eat the hot dogs mindful of my stomach--without onions and sport pepper! So I...well, I ate 'em. Bucking conventional digestive wisdom.

And I was fine. In fact, I think the onions and peppers actually helped me move past the tummy trouble.

So... Live life to the fullest or...well, fill in your own maxim.

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2007:

Brad Pitt wanted kids, that's the dish

on why he tossed Jen liked old fish.

But with Ang Jolie--

kids up to his knees!

(Just shows: Take care for what you wish!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2007:

Headline:

"The Trouble With Justin's Show"

Well, we may not have all the details but, most importantly, it starts with Justin...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2007:

The next step in Bush scandal journey

is firing of U.S. attorneys.

Defend him this time?

Must be part'san blind--

for cred long 'go left on a gurney.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2007:

A relatively new phenomenon has emerged: "sleep driving"--kinda like sleepwalking but...well, behind the wheel, ya' screwtoads!

Now, we could throw out some phrase along the lines of the old, "THAT explains some things." But... Can it really get that much worse out on our roads, at this point?...

Captain America died.

Didn't know that, did you? Aw, hell, I'm sure many Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers are raging geeks, so maybe you DID know.

Anyway... Sure ain't getting' the Anna Nicole Smith treatment, is he?

Can't imagine why. So, what if he's a comic book character? He's still just as real as Smith was...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/16/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Venice Gas House Trolley

While DL/S&Y has sounded off before about that cliche, "guy reading poetry over jazz" crap, these guys are making a noble effort to do something different with the form of Poetry Meets Music.

And in defense of my rep as Worst Music Critic on the planet, I see most of these musical acts while I'm emceeing shows, which makes it hard to fully concentrate on them--what with getting info from band members, watching each act's stage time, hopelessly hitting-up the drummer's girlfriend, etc.

So give 'em a listen.

Music was more rockin' than jazz. Poetry was actually pretty good--and one number had lyrics relating, and I paraphrase, the results of a lady "painting her toenails gold." Which I like. The lyrics AND the action, that is.

So:

http://www.flowpoetry.com/venicegashousetrolley.htm

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2007:

St. Paddy's Day--'cross land erupts

a mass of folks tippin' their cups.

For Irish, was founded,

but now it's just grounded

as day for all to liquor up.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2007:

Ryan Phillipe, who's famous for...something or other, reportedly threw a Whopper at paparazzi besieging him in a SoCal McDonald's.

Hey. We feel like tossing our "whopper" around in public all the time. But there are certain rules of civility within a society, dude...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/17/2007:

> Hiya Sloop--Thanks for the shout out for Venice Gas House Trolley on your site.

> I put a link up to you on www.flowpoetry.com (Wise Friends page).  I hope that

> is ok.  Keep on keepin' on and here's hoping we run into you again soon.

>

> peace and happiness--Adam Gregory Pergament

Yes. The link's okay. Apparently, you haven't seen our "Letters" before otherwise... Well, it's glaringly obvious that we don't discriminate in our readership.

Then again, our readers--aka Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers--obviously aren't too discriminating, either, so... We're a veritable Eden of compatibility!

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2007:

So Captain America's died

and it don't seem too many cry

as with Anna Smith--

he's comic book myth!

(But no less real, deep down inside.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2007:

Alan Greenspan, former (retired) Federal Reserve Big Cheeze, can't stop piping-in on the economy.

Hey, although he's retired, he's always known his stuff--and he still does. And the markets still listen.

Not that competence is necessary to earn respect in such a situation. I mean, look at the "American Idol" judges...

Lousiana chef John Folse and New York chef Terrance Brennan created the world's largest pot of fondue, weighing in at 2,100 pounds. The pot was then given to New York's City Harvest, a group engaged in feeding the needy.

Hmm.

There's no way to make a nice joke about the homeless and fondue, really. So... Ahem:

New York Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers be prepared for lines like, "Can you spare a hunk of bread, chief?"

Or:

Some might think the homeless would be taken aback when presented with a semi-exotic dish like fondue. But we're sure they'll take to it--after all, it DOES have some wine in it!.

Ahem.

Send in your own tasteless jokes on the matter! We have to stop, feeling almost physically DIRTY now...

This just in:

Those giant sunglasses that are oh-so-hip and Hollywood?

They make you look like a bug-eyed doofus.

Anybody.

Well... A hot starlet may still look hot in them. But that's only because they can afford a light doofusing...

Having performed comedy/poetry/emcee gigs for many years now, it's rare for me to actually be heckled. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

But it happens.

For instance, this week--by an older folk music fan.

Folk music fans. Pfft. The most unexciting crowd you could hope to assemble. Mild drinking. Virtually no smoking. Other forms of buzz?... Well, it'd be a fine excuse for sitting on their asses like statues all night, but there were no signs of such behavior.

So this hostile hippie (hostile hippie?) stands up while I'm doing my thing and yells, "Play some music." But when the next bands starts up, which was decidedly non-folk (although still a form of this "music" he was whining for), the ass bastard leaves.

A hostile, close-minded hippie.

Weren't you guys going to change the world?

Hmm. Thinking a little deeper on how a world moved by you schmucks might pan-out... Just go home, listen to your Peter, Paul & Mary, take your prescription drugs and watch TV. We'll let other people change the world, thank you, ya' folksy fucks...

But while I may not be hitting it big among the folksy crowd (Chief Limericist still checked in, here), a Slapper Yapper Grasshopper who recently visited Dubai informs me that he's gotten sheiks reading this dreck!

Can't be too good for international relations.

Then again... Can we fuck 'em up any more than Bushy already has, at this point?

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/18/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: Playground Laughter

I believe it was third or fourth grade when the incident occurred.

It was one of THOSE incidents. An early life experience that forever altered my personality and, thus, the experiences that would follow.

Now, I'll boldly admit that I lived a huge chunk of my life acting all whiny about it--and I will likely view it in at least a semi-melodramatic way until I die. Maybe this is an "artist thing"... I don't know.

It's funny because, as veteran Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers know, I'm quick to make merry at the expense of others' whining. "I once had a drinking problem and now I can't relate to normal social settings!"; "I was verbally abused as a child and now I hate all men!"; "I had no father figure growing up to teach me things so now I'm chronically unemployed"...blah blah freakin' blah.

Of course, there's a level of sympathy that's appropriate... But this is Daily Limerick, for Chrissakes! Look elsewhere for that crap! I'll also point out that I have "license to rip" most anyone, considering I spend a good deal of space here making fun of myself.

Okay, okay, on with the damn experience:

Andrea was one of the first girls in my class to grow boobs. I'm not a boob man and yet...well, liking women and all, I do enjoy mammaries. Andrea was new to the school, I knew I liked her and wanted to thus do..."things" to her but, of course, was still too young to know what those "things" might be, other than perhaps a kiss.

Maybe I view this experience as life- altering because it was...different from other youthful experiences with the female gender. I had a decent relationship with my mom, sister, girl cousins and girls my age in the neighborhood. I appeared to be off to a "normal" social start, although it's also normal to experience miscommunication and foibles with the other sex when one decides to pursue certain urges.

Hell, you don't need me, or 99 percent of bad comedians' acts, to inform you that inter-sex dealings throw us curveballs our entire freakin' lives!

Now, I know I probably should have started talking to Andrea, seeing how things played out over time. But then, it seemed that the best course of action was to tell her that I liked her and ask if she liked me.

So one day at recess, I decided I'd work up the guts to throw out the Little L-Word to Andrea. She was on the playground swing set--and I guess I must've had some abnormally strong balls at that age, because she was surrounded by all her girl friends, a group which, of course, included every pretty girl in my class--and so I made my way to the area and, after perhaps one or two "circlings" to work up the nerve, moseyed right up to her.

"Hi Andrea," I said. "I like you."

She didn't have a reply. Although she was smiling. So I asked, "Do you like me?"

She smiled, blushed ever so slightly and did that thing where one rubs just the ball of their foot back and forth in the dirt... She gave what I'd call a mere half-pause before answering:

"No."

Laughter erupted among the group. Some pointed at me while guffawing. Comments rang out like, "Can you believe that JOHN BIEDERMAN asked ANDREA if SHE liked HIM?" Andrea herself laughed, although she restrained herself from bolder teasing.

I was firmly locked into Dork Status from that point until...oh, later high school. (Although, really, I don't feel I've ever completely wipe the scarlet letter "D" from my chest.)

So... There's a whiny Sunday Story Time edition for ya'.

Bitch...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/18/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Picking his way among the petals

 

The doctor watches the patient's

vital signs on a monitor. In a separate

room, locked in a file cabinet,

a catalog of the man's progress.

Several large machines keep him company,

beeping and whirring by his side,

speaking a language of health

and renewed vigor on the horizon.

 

The language of flowers, too. A gift-shop

bouquet left on the table by a friend.

Tubes connect him to them and them to him.

Cautiously dying, by grades,

through each phase of restful sleep.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/18/2007:

> Catch Brook Kerr on The Apprentice, this Sunday March 18th, 2007 on NBC 10/9

> Central. For more information visit The Apprentice website.

>

> Also, be on the look out at safesearching.com for information on her upcoming

> Official Website!

Now, this is all fine, good and interesting, but we've gotta ask... Who the hell is Brook Kerr? And how the hell did we get on her mailing list?

Now, we can't afford to be too discriminating, so we're not asking to be OFF the mailing list but... Oh, well. Just curious. The photo of her on the site and all is pretty hot, we have a hard time believing that we can't remember meeting her. And an even harder time believing that she'd remember meeting us! Oh, what the hell:

Long live Brook Kerr!

(But it still ain't enough to get us to watch the Godawful show.)

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2007:

A hot new trend, "stars" down to masses:

Wearing big ol', honkin' sunglasses!

They ensure your mug

looks like a big bug--

"hip" so we'll gladly look like asses!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2007:

Headline:

"Which Heart Screening Test is Right for You?"

Subhead within story underneath headline:

"Usually Not Covered"

Oh, we have no healthcare crisis at'all. No, siree...

Our Sunday newspaper also carried an info-graphic relating college students' use of "potentially dangerous drugs" in recent years.

Oh, there's a bar for heroin and cocaine--even marijuana!

Curiously nothing for alcohol--or, for that matter, offerings from Big Pharma...

The soap opera "One Life to Live" is planning an upcoming episode featuring a parody of Tom Cruise's famous couch-jumping incident.

Wow. How timely.

Which reminds us... We really should get cracking on that Teapot Dome Scandal send-up we've been pondering...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/19/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Biological Haiku

 

Orgyanism

Scientific name for a

Party animal

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2007:

Certain drugs, per the FDA,

cause folks to "sleep drive"... "What?" you say?

It's true, if bizarre--

if you've driven car

ever, s'plains a lot, anyway.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2007:

Carol Burnett is suing the "Family Guy" people for portraying her old "Carol Burnett Show" janitor character in an unsavory light. Burnett evidently having little or no understanding of, or respect for, the First Amendment.

Yet another in a pitifully long line of comedians who have no sense of humor as it concerns themselves--and, thus, having their license to make fun of others revoked (as far aw we're concerned). (Of course, in Burnett's case, she's washed-up and not making fun of anybody anyway.)

All the "Family Guy" folks need is to prove their shot at Burnett falls under "parody" and to not end up with a clueless judge and/or jury.

Luckily, they need not prove the bit, or anything else on "Family Guy," is actually "funny"...

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

The other day I... Ended up running into the ex-M'Lady's twin sister.

Now, I hadn't actually seen this ex in...sheesh. About nine months!

So when the twin sister gave me a friendly hug it was...strange.

And strange thoughts, indeed, went through my mind.

For instance... Aw, I tend to forget that some people I know occasionally read this crack. And I get enough trouble without flat out ASKING for it, so let's just drop it right here...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2007:

Since paparazzi would not stop-er

Ryan Phillipe tossed his Whopper...

My "whopper"? No doubt,

if IT were whipped out

I'd get a visit from a copper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2007:

It looks like U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales might be booted from his position as fallout over the Bush team's attorney general firing fest. And other things. Really, there's no shortage of other things.

But to those who would celebrate this development well... Aw, go ahead and celebrate. Order a pizza. But be sure and order it with goat cheese.

Scapegoat cheese, that is...

There are "slow news days" and there are "slow news writer days."

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/21/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Leftovers

There are a lot of people out there who'll proclaim, "I don't eat leftovers."

They say this as if it's something they can't help, ala "I'm Asian" or "I'm allergic to citrus."

We'd be quick to call this one of the reasons the rest of the world hates America (or, more appropriately, love-hates us)--but we've often heard it from immigrants, claiming they're used to their mama getting the meet and spices fresh from the butcher and market and all that crap and thus, apparently, would suffer violent stomach explosions over food even gently heated in the microwave the next day.

Phooey.

There are people starving in China, folks.

But now we're getting a bit confused... We'd like to tell you to eat your damn leftovers, but know damn well that we wouldn't want you to jump off a bridge if someone told you too...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2007:

Al Greenspan continues to howl

'bout economy--oft cries, "Foul!"

Excelled, past career,

so deserves our ear

unlike, say, moron Simon Cowell.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2007:

McDonald's has revived a campaign to convince dictionary publishers that "McJob" shouldn't be considered an official word.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines "McJob" thusly: "An unstimulating, low-paid job with few prospects, esp. one created by the expansion of the service sector."

Wouldn't be prudent, I suppose, to ditch the army of ridiculously well-paid PR flaks and, oh, increase worker wages and/or benefits.

That would be silly...

A staffer at KPPX-TV, Phoenix, has been fired for splicing 30 seconds of pornography into a newscast.

Oddly enough, especially considering that we're talking LOCAL TV news, the brief porncast was just as likely to accidentally be newsworthy...

Kinda like that concept: "Porncast."

Our, er, interns are looking into it...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2007:

As students 'cross land 'round now take

sabbatical known as "Spring Break"

there's so damn much tokin',

bong lightin' and smokin'

that we oughta call it "Spring Bake"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2007:

Saw some ice dancing coverage on a TV playing in the background at a show I emceed lately. (Chief Limericist checking in, here.)

Why don't they just go ahead and give those males other men as partners--who they hell does anybody think they're fooling?...

As it's officially spring now, it's time for our annual reminder:

If you have ugly feet, leave the sandals at home. Or if you're male--unless, of course, you're a hippie, live in a desert, work as a professional gladiator and/or are a flaming, mincing homosexual...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/23/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Rebel Rouser (Part II)

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers may have noticed that we already featured Rebel Rouser in "Entertain Yourself."

But we had faulty information on their Web address. So we're just running the correct link today--and placing it in Sloop's Glantamerous Links. See the February 23 edition for the write-up, for what it's worth. Which ain't much.

We wouldn't go featuring a band or performer TWICE in this section. Unless, of course, favors are involved.

Just kidding. Journalistic integrity and all.

Now, if the favors entail cartwheels, a Sit-and-Spin, a fitting interpretation of the now-fictional sex act, "21 Shrimp Electric Trapeze Salute," and homemade pie... Ahem:

http://www.myspace.com/rebelrouserr

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/23/2007:

> Heeey, you're not in bed yet?

Only matters of great import are discussed herein by Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers.

Also... In response to yesterday's nugget about McDonald's pissed-offedness about the dictionary approved word, "McJob":

> McJob definition: The hardest way to afford a McMansion.

Not to mention McHealthcare.

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2007:

Short girlfriend rose just to Ed's waist.

One morn, Ed ran to john in haste.

In his way, she stood,

and his morning wood

knocked her out with smack to the face!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2007:

The latest in City of Chicago corruption news finds a former streets and sanitation member busted for allegedly giving city jobs to "political foot soldiers" and folks who did him favors, such as mowing his lawn and shoveling snow.

DL/S&Y being international and all, this might strike some Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers as irrelevant.

Except for the fact that the former commish is named Al Sanchez.

Thus Sanchez is dirty, so you can call him... Ahem.

He hee...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2007:

With "McJob" accepted def'nition

in dictionary, McD's mission?--

Pay for corp'rate shill team

to push def be wiped clean

and not for McHealthcare that's missin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2007:

Headline:

"Wife's Cancer Won't Stop Edwards: He'll Continue Bid Despite Incurable Diagnosis"

Interesting and somewhat heavy-handed metaphor but... It IS apt. I mean, c'mon! Jumping into the race despite Hillary and Obama both running? How can you not surmise an "incurable diagnosis" for Edwards' freakin' presidential campaign? Somebody oughta beat him, take the zillions of campaign dollars he's gonna blow and give it to the poor or something.

Oh... "Incurable diagnosis" refers to his wife's cancer.

Geez. We feel almost...bad about this nugget, now.

But not bad enough to strike it. Take time off too spend with your wife, Johnny. Ya' freakin' moron...

We recently overheard talk of a Dave Matthews Band tribute band.

We had to share, lest the onset of spring be nursing any silly thoughts of hope for the human race in Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers' heads...

Corey Haim, a famous sex symbol in the '80s (or so we're told), is embarking on a "reality" TV project with Corey Feldman called, "A Tale of Two Coreys."

We saw this described in some celebrity ass-kissing magazine as a "comeback."

"Reality" TV show? COMEBACK? More like a "Soontogoawayforgood"...

***

SUNDAY STORY TIME 3/25/2007:

A SPECIAL, TOUCHING SECTION APPEARING SUNDAYS ONLY

(Touching in some manner, anyway)

TODAY'S EDITION: My Poor Nephew

One of my two nephews is growing up to be a bit like his Uncle Sloop in many ways. We'll call him "Peepeye," since, well...since people like YOU read this drivel.

He's a hyperactive sort, as I was, although that's hard to believe for many who know me now. He's gregarious, as I was (again, hard to believe), at least around older relatives and family friends. He's curious, as most kids are, but...somehow, in a way that reminds me of my own, younger self. For instance, he decides he wants to learn about something and goes nuts with it. Regarding Asian culture, he's even checked out books in the library to learn Chinese words and checks the weather regularly, via the Internet, for Tokyo, Beijing, etc.

Peepeye spends a lot of time drawing and writing what he calls "books"--pieces of paper with drawings and some words assembled in book form. So he's artsy, which, again, isn't odd for a child his age (seven) but... Well, he has a penchant and determination toward it that's beyond average.

Of course, a lot can change over one's wee years, wherein kids change their minds regularly about what they're "gonna be when they grow up" but... Consider this:

My sister now reports that Peepeye's having...difficulties, of a sort, dealing with little girls his age.

Turn back now...er, Peepeye! Throw out the markers and get a "Junior CEO Kit" or whatever--before it's too late! Oh, the pain and disappointment and rejection and...and... (Sigh.)

Honestly, though. I can't help but take pride in Peepeye's artsy bent--and that's the predominant attitude I have about it.

Still... He does know enough basic math to start basic accounting exercises...

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/25/2007:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

 

TODAY'S POEM: Something big, something beautiful

 

I want to create something big,

something beautiful, something

you can drive down listening to

the radio -- something next to the

sea, something bright, something

wonderful, something made of snow;

something to live in, something to

read, something to watch, something

to pray for, something to feed,

something to take, something to

cherish, something to ponder ...

 

Something is awakening.

 

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at blksqul@sbcglobal.net. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/25/2007:

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

The e-mail arrived from:

"Jennifer Love Hewitt"

(Gulp.)

Figuring it must be a scam...I opened it anyway:

> Jennifer Love Hewitt for Hanes

So, it was a scam. Of sorts. But from JLH's PEOPLE, anyway, and not some nutty spamster trying to shill watches, Viagra or crap stock. Not to mention that, despite my informing JLH and said peeps about campaigns for her to pose nude and Playboy and such, they've ADDED DL TO THEIR E-MALING LIST!

It continued:

> Watch exclusive Behind the Scenes footage of the making of Jennifer Love

> Hewitt's latest ad campaign for Hanes. Check out her official website for more

> information: http://jenniferlovehewittonline.com/

Now, I've had fantasies related to Jennifer Love Hewitt and...clothing/accessories, shall we say. But not quite like this.

Nonetheless... She's comin' around. Just one step closer...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2007:

Ice dancing's on TV again

flamboyant clothes fit skaters' yens!

There're pirouettes double...

Aw, just have the couples

go 'head and pair up as two men!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2007:

Once again, the publishing world brings us help in the world of dating:

The "Shopaholic" books so helpfully label women to avoid hitting-up on.

Unless you're a rich guy. In which case you don't need dating advice anyway...

A Sunday newspaper ad insert brought us word of

"Self Esteem" (brand) hoodies.

Hmm.

Self esteem's a good thing and all, and we're not exactly experts on the topic...but we think there are probably better ways to achieve it than covering your face...

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" MONDAY"OPEN UP 'N' TAKE YOUR MEDICINE" HAIKU HEALTH SECTION 3/26/2007:

By David Sher

 

TODAY'S HAIKU: Danish Proverb Haiku

 

A stone deaf husband

And a blind wife are always

A happy couple

 

[If you'd like to contact the Haiku Doctor, e-mail him at davew9lya@juno.com.]

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2007:

Slap' Yapper Grasshopper's vacation

led him off to that Dubai nation.

He claims that now sheiks

read DL, which makes

us fear for our Mid East relations!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2007:

Ahh! Spring is in the air! The ladies are more friendly, dressing delightfully to show more skin... The birds are singing, daylight lasts longer, Iran captured 15 Brits and World War III is underway...

There's a menace eating away at the fabric of humanity. And yet few among us are willing to take the threat seriously, much less do anything to combat it.

Its ravages are all around us. Why, in our very newspaper today, as we type this, there's word of a couple that fell overboard from a cruise ship in the Gulf of Mexico. Cruise line officials, knowing full well the epidemic they're dealing with, claimed that they "did not know how they [the couple] fell overboard."

Knuckleheadism: The Not-So-Hidden Plague of Society...

A Web site, VoteForTheWorst.com, encourages folks to vote for the worst "American Idol" contestants as a way of derailing the show, which it calls a "giant karaoke contest."

We're torn concerning our opinion on this.

On one hand, they're dead right. And it's an amusing exercise, especially since it's worked the music-industry-ass-lickers producing the show into a frenzy. (And, of course, it's a toss-up as to whether cock roaches or music industry execs are lower forms of life.)

On the other hand... "Giant karaoke contest"? No prize for investigative reporting on that call, guys. Plus, in encouraging people to vote for the "worst"...they're still watching, and participating in, the show.

Told ya' Knuckleheadism was all around us...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2007:

To understate, I find them bland--

but there's...Dave Matthews tribute bands?

I just learned this "news"--

more reason to lose

my hope for the future of Man.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2007:

Headline:

"Anna Nicole OD'ed on Nine Prescription Drugs: Report"

She died using PRESCRIPTION drugs?

Crank up the PSA! "Just Say No"--and never mind the science; exaggerate, for the lies will be Noble Lies! Test employees for their use! Imprison the users--this is serious stuff! Cast aside their basic rights--seize their property, pre-trial! Oh, the menace! Why, we should... What's that?

Oh.

Prescription drugs bring us tax dollars? Their makers finance nearly all politicians' campaigns?

Oh. She just had a "disease," then. Nothin' dangerous about the drugs themselves.

Moving along...

***

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" WEDNESDAY "EAT IT!" SECTION 3/28/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: Beware the Culinary Surprise

Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know that I--Chief Limericist checking in, here--am an adventurous eater. Short of, say, eyeballs or recognizable organs, I'll try most anything. And rare is the dish that'll throw my stomach for a loop--I happen to admire alligators simply because they can digest some metals and aspire to such digestive strength!

But I do have a cautionary tale.

I was living in Southern California at the time and partook of an authentic Thai restaurant.

I ordered something called the "Seafood Surprise."

I've had squid, octopus, all sorts of shellfish. So I could identify MOST of what was therein, amid the noodles, vegetables and spices.

But I'm still not entirely sure of everything I ingested on that evening.

So carry this wisdom with you Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, wherever culinary adventures may take you:

Do not order something with the word "surprise" in it at any authentic foreign restaurant.

Actually, don't order anything with "surprise" in the name anywhere.

Actually, you probably didn't need me to tell you this.

Then again, maybe somebody should've told ME.

Oh, I didn't get sick. And I cleaned my plate, despite some interesting textures bouncing around my tastebuds.

But nonetheless... It is hard to truly enjoy a "surprise" dinner. Especially when you do, indeed, encounter a culinary surprise.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/28/2007:

Now THIS ONE's an actual, physical letter.

You know. The kind the comes in the mail. It happens to be addressed to:

"John 'Sloop' Biederman, c/o Daily Limerick"

(Chief Limericist checking in, of course, to open it. Well, with help from an, er, intern, to make sure it's not a bomb or something.)

> [Heart] Tyra Banks

(Gulp.)

No other writing. The greeting is scrawled on a photo of Tyra.

A private matter, really. Nosy bastards.

Okay, okay. This is a promotional shot, sent to us because, when we ripped her recently, we sent word of her being "featured" in DL through her Web site, ended up on a PR list and thus received the photo.

It's only of her face.

Nonetheless, Jennifer Love Hewitt AND Tyra Banks have both contacted Yours Truly in the past week. That's what I'm telling everybody. Further details are superfluous.

And Jen, Tyra--ladies! Please don't fight! There's enough of me to go around...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2007:

So Anna Nicole died of...drugs!

But Drug War just gives it a shrug

for they were prescription--

which fit pols' funds mission--

so line's: "Was diseased--like a 'bug'."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2007:

Some headlines:

"After Pair of Videotaped Beatings, Top Cop Cracks Down on Thug Officers--and Those Who Protect Them"

"$23.8 Million to CEO? United Unions Outraged"

"U.S. Shakes Fist at Iran, But That's All We're Likely to Do, Key Experts Say"

"Uncle Sam Squanders $100 Million"

"Midshipmen Accused of Groping"

And one more:

"Affordable Housing Bill Hit: Builder Says Plan Hinders Accurate Assessment of Costs"

Funny how "The News" doesn't really bring us word of much that's...well, "new"...

So, Sen. Joseph Lieberman is the only Democrat, at this point, urging continuation of the Iraq Quagmire.

Hmm. What Web site was the voice in the wilderness, back in 2000, suspicious of Al Gore largely because he named Lieberman his running mate? You know--that site nobody paid attention to, the one that called Joe not only a Democrat in name only--but not even an acceptable Republican (reminder: we're anti-partisan here and actually "conservative" on some issues), but a First Amendment-raping, might-as-well-be-frothing-at-the-mouth-over-Jesus sort? One who, when it boiled down to it, actually embodied the worst of what BOTH parties have to offer?

Hmm. What was that?... Does anybody remember what Web site that was?...

Since the Chicago Sun-Times (and, indeed, the entire Sun-Times News Group) published an editorial today urging the passage of an Illinois bill to salute secondhand science...er, ban "secondhand smoke"... Oh, we won't go into THAT topic yet again.

The beaten horse is beyond dead. The meat is falling off its bones, at this point.

But there's one particular of this modern day witch doctoring (and witch hunting) that especially disturbs us at this point:

Restaurants and bars--in EVERY state, EVERY case, each and EVERY time--fight these bans, claiming they'll lead to financial loss. Governments and their Big Mother backers not only call that assertion wrong--but say just the OPPOSITE holds true: Bans are GOOD for business.

So, we guess, these businesses--many or most of which have stood the test of time, remaining open and successful in a tough field--somehow don't know what the hell they're talking about. Despite competency on many business/financial issues, somehow they turn to idiot when judging monetary statistics, but only as they regard smoking.

Making the situation all the more curious is the fact that government, usually an entity that rightfully faces scrutiny in all it says (for good reason), is just assumed to be "right on" by The Media that is exists largely to investigate said government--and is given a Free Pass on, again, just this one particular issue. Odd, too, that this Free Pass isn't given always given for questionable statistics in the similar War on (Illegal) Drugs. Or that folks seem to be forgetting the lessons of Orwell, and others, regarding government diversionary tactics, as Big Pharma races to addict each and every citizen while fattening government wallets and... Sorry! Said we wouldn't digress from this point. So anyway:

Hmm... Government passes anti-smoking laws--and then, surprise surprise, produces statistics showing that their government work generates only positive effects, is much needed, blah blah fucking blah.

The underlying message? Government knows what's best for business--and all of us.

We don't give a shit what your individual opinion is on smoking, secondhand smoke, tobacco, etc.

But if you're comfortable with this... Might as well just bend over. And lube-up, while you're at it...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/29/2007:

We actually received this same message FOUR FREAKIN' TIMES, all apparently from separate chicks (with separate logins, anyway), but all named "Paris":

> H3Y BABE !!!...Cool myspace u got there.. was just browsing people who live near

> me and found ya..... Feel free to add me to your M~S~N or A~I~M (both are listed

> on my MS page..I prefer M`S`N as A'I'M freezes on me so I may not get ur

> messages...I jusst m0ved so try!ng to meeet sum new people.. xoxox chat soon

> cutie xoxoxo Paris

"Cool" MySpace page? Ours sucks! (Intentionally, though.)

Although we'll admit that, say, Honolulu is "near" us, "Paris," given the overall vastness of the universe and all...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2007:

One "Indy" Dem, still backs the War--

Joe Lieberman! Who knew the score--

which site, in '00

said, 'cause of that schmo,

it simply could not back Al Gore?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2007:

Eh... So, we toot our own horn today.

SOMEBODY'S gotta toot it...

Now, we could have put this under "Letters to the Idiot," and we've done such a thing before--but our latest policy is that something like this, being massed e-mailed, doesn't qualify.

Although we reserve the right to remain wishy-washy in our Letters policy.

Anyway, the subject read, "World Wide Lootery agent."

"Lootery"?

Sure, it's just a misspelling to avoid spam filters.

Nonetheless... Interesting how spam can offer such thoughtful, as well as truthful, commentary.

***

SPECIAL"PULL-OUT" FRIDAY ENTERTAIN YOURSELF SECTION 3/30/2007:

TODAY'S EDITION: The Third Movement

The Third Movement is an all-instrumental act in the tradition of, say... Tangerine Dream, I guess? (Whadday want from me, being the Planet's Worst Music Critic and all?) Only heavier.

Anyway... Rockin' and funky, with the Deep Purplish keyboard/organ. Why, I think it would make great porn music, 'cause it's got that kinda sound--but only cool, unlike, of course, actual porn music. In fact, if I ever film a porn, I'm enlisting 'em.

They also hail from my neck of the woods, McHenry County, Ill. (North-Midwest siiiiide!) And they asked me to be their manager! They were kidding, of course, but just the fact that they'd kid about such a thing... Anyway:

http://www.myspace.com/thirdmovement

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2007:

A girlie just so liked to score--

had boyfriend and yet wanted more--

brought so many guys

to bed, on the sly,

she installed revolving back door!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2007:

We've been holding onto this press release for some time, finding it delightfully amusing.

And considering we're now facing another Cheezy Saturday edition, it's been held long enough:

"Dr. Dolores Kent, professionally trained artist, M.D., OBGYN and cosmetic surgeon, uses her artistic ability, and passion for beauty, not only in her collage and paintings, which have sold out galleries, but also on the most delicate of mediums; the human body.

"Through procedures such as designer labiaplasty, body contouring and liposcultpure (SIC?), Dr. Kent redefines the art of science, and the science of art. Her patients are her canvas, her scalpel and laser are her brushes, and her living gallery consists of stunningly beautiful vaginas, derrieres and midriffs."

Word of the day: labiaplasty.

Just felt we had to give it lip service!

Ahem.

Could call it, "trimmin' the trim"!

He hee.

Enough! Enough! Too much thought on this topic--we're bushed!...

***

COMING SOON: The early single release, "Fireworks, Cheeze and Porn," from Sloop's upcoming CD, "Help Yourself to My Nuts"! To be downloadable here at Daily Limerick (Wow! Spell check recognizes "downloadable"!)--or directly from Sloop, at establishments with the crappy judgment to allow Sloop to perform!

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

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